"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY"

Screenplay by

Ed Decter, John J. Strauss

and

Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly

Story by

Ed Decter & John J. Strauss

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT

October 21, 1997



FADE IN:

EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We
push through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid,
TED PELOQUIN.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
When I was sixteen years old I fell
in love...

CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and
a shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.

TED
Hey, Renise.

She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her
smoke.

RENISE
Hey.

TED
So what's up?

RENISE
Eh.

TED
Great. Great.
(beat)
So listen, uh, I was wondering if
maybe you wanted to go to the prom
you know, with me.

Renise looks unenthused.

TED
It's no big deal, whatever I mean,
if you want.

RENISE
See, the thing is, I heard a rumor
that this guy I like was gonna ask
me.

TED
Uh-huh.

RENISE
Yeah, so... I'm gonna wait and see
what happens there... But that sounds
great, yeah.

Ted nods, confused.

TED
Okay.
(beat)
So is that a yes or a no?

RENISE
I think I was very clear, Ted. If
everything else falls apart, maybe.

Renise throws down her butt and storms off.

TED
I'm gonna hold you to that.

CUT TO:

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT

ANGLE ON -- a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in
the school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't
have a bad bone in her body.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Her name was Mary. She'd moved to
our little Rhode Island town from
Minnesota two years earlier.

She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
Mary was very smart, and very cool,
and she had a faceful of eyes that
promised you a better life if you
could only know her.

As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching
her. He's sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.

FRIEND #1
Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the
prom with?

Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.

TED
Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna.
You know, not my style.

FRIEND #2
You have a style?

FRIEND #1
Why don't you be a gentleman and ask
Rosey?

TED
(perks up)
Who?

Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.

FRIEND #1
Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God
knows you spend enough fucking time
with her.

The guys LAUGH.

TED
(out of ammo but
doesn't know it)
Yeah, and who are you gonna take,
your own palm?

His friends stare at him.

FRIEND #1
Clever. I like the way you just spun
that around on me.

Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.

FRIEND #2
I wonder who she's going with.

FRIEND #1
Some guy named Woogie.

TED
Who?

FRIEND #1
Big guy -- goes to Barrington high
school.

This irks Ted.

TED
Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds
like a loser.

FRIEND #1
Loser? Woogie was all-state football
and and basketball and valedictorian
of his class.

FRIEND #2
I heard he got a scholarship to
Princeton but he's going to Europe
first to model.

This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.

FRIEND #3
Yeah and he's got a huge cock.

Everyone looks at him.

FRIEND #3
I heard.

Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.

FRIEND #1
Hey, check it out.

THEIR POV -- A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early
twenties and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS.
He approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?

CAR HOOD KID #2
No.

The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?

ON CAR HOOD KIDS

CAR HOOD KID #1
(to his buddies)
This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
(to Ear-Muff Guy)
Hey, buddy, come here, I think I
know where your ball is.

The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my baseball?

CAR HOOD KID #1
Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there,
she has it.

Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another
car talking to her large BOYFRIEND.

CAR HOOD KID #2
'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball.
She has another name for it...

CUT TO:

ON BUSTY GIRL -- The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
boyfriend.

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my pecker?

GIRL
What?!

EAR-MUFF GUY
You seen my pecker?

The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.

BOYFRIEND
You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your
ass!

The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is
about to pummel him when Ted intervenes.

TED
Take it easy, Smokey.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
This fucking pervert just came on to
Nance!

TED
All right, just be cool.
(under breath)
He looks like he's not all there,
you know what I mean?

A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
Get the fuck out of my way, man!

Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-
Muff Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.

MARY
What's going on here?

She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.

MARY
Are you all right?

EAR-MUFF GUY
Mary, you seen my baseball?

MARY
No, I haven't seen your baseball.
Jeez, Warren, you know you're not
supposed to leave the yard by
yourself.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
(to Mary)
You know him?

MARY
He's my brother.

BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
Oh.
(beat)
I didn't realize he was... you know...

At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward
the school, along with most of the crowd.

Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.

MARY
You okay?

HER POV -- Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and
brushes himself off.

TED
Oh yeah. Fine.

MARY
Thanks a lot, Ted.

CLOSE ON -- Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As
Mary helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
That she knew my name blew my mind.
Some of my best friends didn't know
my name.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING

Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.

MARY
Hey, you're limping. Did you just
hurt yourself?

TED
No, it's an old football injury.

MARY
Oh, are you on the team?

TED
No, a couple of the players and me
were joking around and, uh, I fell
off the school.

Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.

WARREN
Piggyback ride?

MARY
Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.

Warren pats his back again.

WARREN
Piggyback ride.

TED
(to Mary)
I don't mind. If you think he can
hold me.

MARY
Oh he can hold you. He weighs two-
hundred-and-thirty pounds.

TED
A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?

Ted hops onto Warren's back.

TED
Giddy-up.

Warren walks about five feet and stops.

WARREN
My turn now.

Off Ted's reaction, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - DAY

Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a
hill with Warren on his back.

TED
(straining)
We're here, Warren. You wanna get
off?

WARREN
Giddy-up.

Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary
looks on, amused.

MARY
So who you taking to the prom?

TED
Huh?

MARY
The prom -- you going?

TED
Oh, I don't know. I think proms are
pretty dumb.

MARY
'Cause I thought maybe you and I
could go if you weren't already taking
someone.

TED
I mean dumb in the sense that they
only happen once a year.

She smiles at this.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
From that moment on the guys at school
looked at me in a whole new light.

CUT TO:

CLOSE ON FRIEND #1

FRIEND #1
You're a fucking liar!

EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

PULLBACK TO REVEAL -- Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.

FRIEND #2
You expect us to believe you're going
to the prom with Mary? What about
Woogie?

TED
They broke up. She said he started
getting weird on her.

FRIEND #1
I got twenty bucks says you're full
of shit.

TED
Oh come on, why would I lie?

FRIEND #1
Because you're a loser, and in some
warped way this gives you a momentary
sense of worth.

FRIEND #2
Put me down for fifty.

FRIEND #3
I'm in.

As the others join in, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT

A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
wagon.

EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT

Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.

MARY'S DAD
Yeah? What do you want?

TED
Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here
to take Mary to the prom.

MARY'S DAD
Prom? You're about twenty minutes
late. She just left for the prom
with her boyfriend Woogie.

Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
MARY'S MOM.

MARY'S MOM
Charlie, that's mean. Come on in,
Ted. Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy
here. He's a joke a minute.

TED
Oh.
(relieved)
Oh, that's a good one.

INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT

Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the
den.

TED
Hey, Warren.

Warren doesn't look his way.

Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the
directors had really taken their time casting this role. Ted
can't believe his eyes.

MARY
Hi, Ted.

TED
Hi, Mary.

MARY'S MOM
Poor Teddy -- he's been getting it
both barrels from the Wisenheimer
here.

MARY
Dad, have you been busting Ted's
chops?

Mary's Dad shrugs.

MARY
Warren, did you say hi to Ted?

WARREN
(not looking up)
'Bout ten times.

TED
Hey, Warren, I think I know where
your baseball is.

This finally gets Warren's attention.

WARREN
You seen my baseball?

We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his
pocket and palm it in his hand.

TED
Well, if it's a big white one with
red stitching, I think I saw it right
behind your ear...

Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren
TAKES A SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.

MARY
Warren!!!

Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.

ON THE BASEBALL -- as it rolls under the couch, stopping
right next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.

BACK TO SCENE -- In a split second, Warren is up like a cat
and DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted
manages to free himself from the disabled man's clutches and
GETS WARREN IN A HEADLOCK.

MARY'S DAD
(to Ted)
What the hell are you doing?!

MARY'S MOM
Teddy, let him go!

TED
(out of breath)
I'm trying... tell him to... calm
down.

The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.

MARY'S DAD
(to Ted)
Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell
were you doing?!

TED
I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
baseball.

MARY'S MOM
What baseball? Where's a baseball?

Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.

TED
There was a ball. I had a ball,
honest.

As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and
his tie is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing
Warren back to the couch.

MARY
(to Ted)
I'm sorry. I should've told you,
he's got a thing about his ears.

TED
Oh. Okay. I gotcha.

MARY
Are you all right?

TED
Oh yeah.

MARY'S MOM
(to Mary)
Honey, now you're all wrinkled.

Mary looks down and frowns.

MARY
Ted, will you just give me one more
minute? I have to iron this thing.

Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head
back up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And
Warren.

Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.

TED
(to Mary's Dad)
May I use your bathroom?

INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT

Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet.
As he TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

TED'S POV -- two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.

Ted smiles...

...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their
love song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary,
and suddenly they fly away and we...

SNAP FOCUS

...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE
THE BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her
mother glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she
can only presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

ON TED...

...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the
bathroom, HORRIFIED.

PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

TED
YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

CUT TO:

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT

A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside
the bathroom.

MARY
(knocking gently)
Ted, are you okay?

TED (O.S.)
(pained)
Just a minute.

MARY'S MOM
He's been in there over half an hour.
(whispering)
Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

MARY
Mom!

MARY'S MOM
Well he was watching you undress
with a silly grin on his face.

TED (O.S.)
(pained)
I was watching the birds!

They all look at one another.

MARY'S MOM
Charlie, do something.

MARY'S DAD
All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming
in.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.

MARY'S DAD
What seems to be the situation here?
You shit yourself or something?

TED
I wish.

Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.

TED
I, uh... I got it stuck.

MARY'S DAD
You got what stuck?

TED
It.

MARY'S DAD
It?
(beat)
Oh it. All right, these things happen,
let me have a look. It's not the end
of the world.

Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...

MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

TED (O.S.)
Shhhhhh!

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARY'S DAD
(CALLS OUT)
Shirley, get in here! You gotta see
this!

TED
What?! No please, sir --

MARY'S DAD
She's a dental hygienist. She'll
know what to do.

Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.

MARY'S MOM
Teddy, hon, are you okay?
(moving closer, seeing
the situation)
OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

TED
Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear
us.

MARY'S MOM
Just relax, dear. Now, um... what
exactly are we looking at here?

TED
(dizzy)
What do you mean?

MARY'S MOM
(delicate)
I mean is it... is it...?

MARY'S DAD
(gruff)
Is it the frank or the beans?

TED
I think a little of both.

Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:

WARREN (O.S.)
Franks and beans!

Ted hangs his head.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.

MARY
(to Warren)
Shhhh.

MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
What the hell's that bubble?

Mary REACTS to this.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

TED
One guess.

MARY'S DAD
How the hell'd you get the beans all
the way up top like that?

TED
I don't know. It's not like it was a
well thought-out plan.

MARY'S MOM
Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin
coming through there.

MARY'S DAD
I'm guessing that's what the soprano
shriek was about, pumpkin.

MARY'S MOM
I'm going to get some Bactine.

TED
No, please!

Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom
window.

POLICE OFFICER
Ho there.

TED
(humiliated)
Oh God.

POLICE OFFICER
Everything okay here? Neighbors said
they heard a lady scream.

MARY'S DAD
You're looking at him. C'mere and
take a look at this beauty.

TED
No, that's really unneces --

But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside,
he turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.

POLICE OFFICER
Now I've seen it all. What the hell
were you thinking?

TED
(frustrated)
I wasn't trying --

POLICE OFFICER
Is that bubble what I think it is?

Mary's parents nod.

POLICE OFFICER
But... how... how'd you get the zipper
all the way to the top?

MARY'S DAD
Let's just say the kid's limber.

The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.

POLICE OFFICER
Well, there's only one thing to do.

TED
No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just
hang my shirttail out and work on it
in the morning.

POLICE OFFICER
Look, son, this'll only hurt for a
second.

The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

TED
No, no, please!

MARY'S MOM
Teddy, be brave.

WARREN (O.S.)
Beans and franks!

MARY (O.S.)
Warren, shhh.

Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.

POLICE OFFICER
It's just like pulling off a Band-
aid. A-one and a-two and...

CUT TO:

PARAMEDIC
We got a bleeder!

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher.
Mary runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while
a THIRD PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's
Mom and Dad are out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four
POLICE CARS, and a crowd of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

PARAMEDIC
(to Mary)
Keep pressure on it!

Mary does as she's told.

MARY
(running along)
Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to
be okay?

TED
(irrational cockiness)
You betcha!

He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the
ambulance.

INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS

The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts
to WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY

Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.

TED
...Anyway, school ended a few days
later and that July her father got
transferred to Florida.

The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS
EMPTY.

Ted has been telling all this to no one.

TED
It took me half the summer to pay
off all those bets.
(sighs)
I never did see Mary again. That was
about twelve years ago.

Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-
toes back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of
mustard on his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin
tucked into his collar.)

PSYCHIATRIST
Uh-huh. Interesting.

The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his
chin, then tosses it aside.

TED
Anyway, it's not something you exactly
forget about, but I guess I must've
blocked it out of my head. Then about
a week ago I'm driving on the highway
and I got to thinking about Mary and
suddenly I couldn't breathe... I
couldn't keep up with the flow of
traffic anymore I felt like I was
going to die. I pulled into a rest
area, parked the car, and just started
shaking.

The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.

PSYCHIATRIST
You know... rest areas are homosexual
hang-outs.

TED
Huh?

PSYCHIATRIST
Highway rest areas -- they're the
bathhouses of the nineties for some
gay men.

Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.

TED
What are you saying?

PSYCHIATRIST
(checking wristwatch)
Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve
into that next week.

Off Ted's look, we

CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.

DOM
Gay? He said you were gay?

TED
He implied it.

DOM
Well you're a writer, and a lot of
writers are gay. Look at Truman
Capote.

TED
Yeah, but he was successful.

DOM
Let me ask you this: When you smoke
a cigar, do you ever pretend it has
balls?

Ted appears to think about this.

TED
Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.

DOM
I'm going to fix you up with my new
assistant.

TED
What's he like?

Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.

DOM
You're leaving it out. Finish your
swing.
(beat)
You're going to like this one --
she's half Asian, half American.

TED
Good-looking?

DOM
I just told you, she's half Asian.
half American. They're all good
looking. You could mate Don Rickles
and Yoko Ono and they're going to
have a gorgeous kid. It's a foolproof
combo.

Ted thinks about it.

TED
What's the point? Let's face it,
Dom, I'm in a slump.
(SIGHS)
Lately I've been feeling like...
well... like a loser.

DOM
Loser? You?

Ted shrugs.

DOM
Give me a break. Remember five years
ago, when your kidneys failed? If
you were a loser would they have
been able to find a donor with an
exact tissue match? What are the
odds of that, one in a million?

TED
Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother
got killed in an explosion?

DOM
I never said that. I'm saying your
lucky those kids found his kidneys.
(beat)
Besides, your brother Jimmy never
gave a shit about you.

Ted gives him a look.

DOM
You know, you're a real glass-is-
half-empty guy. You got a fucking
guardian angel, man.

Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.

TED
I gotta take this, it might be my
boss.
(flips phone open)
Ted here.

GARBLED VOICE
(on phone)
You're a cocksucking motherfucking
piece of puke!

Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the
phone and puts it back in his pocket.

TED
Yep.

EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY

Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front
steps.

We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot
basketball hoop, dolls, etc.

DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.

DOM'S WIFE
I thought you guys might like these
with your beers.

DOM
Thanks, baby.

She goes back inside.

TED
See, that's what I want. I don't
need these bimbettes you got me
chasing. I want what you have. A
family.... Someone to... you know...
love.

These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets
a little embarrassed.

TED
It must be great with a wife like
that.

DOM
Each day is better than the next.
(beat)
Have you ever been, you know... in
love with someone?

TED
Nah.

DOM
Never?

TED
Well once. Mary.

Dom SIGHS.

DOM
Mary again.

TED
Look, I admit it was brief, but it
was definitely love. Crushes don't
last twelve years.

DOM
Whatever happened to Mary?

TED
I told you, her family moved to Miami.

DOM
I mean since then.

TED
I don't know.

DOM
Well why don't you look her up?

TED
(sarcastic)
Yeah, right.

DOM
Why not?

TED
Because I guarantee she's married
and has a couple kids. Girls like
Mary don't stay single.

DOM
What if you're wrong? You just said
she's the only girl you ever loved,
what have you got to lose by calling
her?

TED
I did try calling her.
(sheepish)
A few years ago. She wasn't listed.

DOM
So that was it? One bump in the road
and you gave up?

TED
I also called Unsolved Mysteries.

DOM
You're kidding? What did they say?

TED
They told me they don't help out
stalkers.
(beat)
Look, maybe they're right, it's been
a long time.

DOM
I got it -- you hire a private eye,
fly him out there, he follows her
around a couple days, she'll never
know a thing.

Ted considers this.

TED
No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.

Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.

DOM
Wait a second. There's a guy named
Healy in my office who might be able
to help you out. He's a claims
investigator and he goes to Miami
every couple weeks.

As Ted thinks about this, we

CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A BIG INSURANCE COMPANY - MORNING

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING

Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.

TED
I don't know about this, Dom.

DOM
Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A
couple years ago he got in a jam up
in the Boston office; some bullshit
about padding his resume -- like we
haven't all done that. Anyway, they
were going to let him go but his
mother wrote a tear-jerker letter
that ended up on my desk.

TED
His mother?

DOM
Yeah, I guess he still lives with
her. Seemed like a sweet lady -- got
diabetes or something -- so I went
out on a limb and got him transferred
down to Providence.

TED
And you think he could find out her
number for me?

DOM
He'll do better than that. I'll send
him down to Miami on business, you
throw him a couple bucks on the side,
and he'll track her down.

Ted thinks about this.

DOM
Just let me warn you -- This guy
runs a little hot, but he gets the
job done.

CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING

Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from
PATRICK HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-
piece suit.

Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
investigator.

HEALY
So, Dom tells me you're looking for
some lady-friend you knew in high
school.

TED
Uh-huh.

HEALY
Any idea where I might start looking?

TED
She moved to Miami Beach twelve years
ago. I checked directory assistance
down there and she's not listed. She
might've moved ten times since then.

HEALY
(skeptical)
All you want is a phone number?

TED
Well, I know you're busy...

HEALY
Don't play games with me, Ted.

TED
I don't know, maybe you could poke
around for a half day and see if she
has five kids and a Labrador.

HEALY
I don't buy it.

TED
You don't buy what?

Suddenly Healy is in his face.

HEALY
Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots
from the hip. Now I want you to level
with me: Did you knock this skirt
up?

TED
(indignant)
No.

HEALY
She's blackmailing you, right?

TED
(more indignant)
No.

HEALY
You want her dead, don't you?

TED
You can't be serious.

HEALY
Do you really expect me to believe
this is a straight stalker case?

TED
I'm not a stalker! She's a friend of
mine.

HEALY
Sure she is. That's why she got an
unlisted number and you haven't heard
squat from her in a dozen years. Oh
you're good, Ted. You're a real piece
of work.

TED
(stands)
Look, let's forget it. Let's forget
the whole thing.

HEALY
I get one hundred a day plus expenses.

TED
(LAUGHS at Healy's
nerve)
You get fifty a day, period. It's a
business trip, they'll pay for your
expenses.

Healy thinks about it.

HEALY
Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this
chick turns up with a toe tag, I'm
rolling over on you.

CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach

EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY

Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a
GREAT DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him.
The driver, SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his
thirties.

SULLY
Healy you dog!

HEALY
(checking out car)
Fucking Sully! Look at you!

SULLY
(Boston accent)
You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY

The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands
Healy a packet.

SULLY
Here's the info you asked for.

HEALY
Thanks.

SULLY
You should thank me -- that girl was
not easy to find. What'd she scam
you out of-some insurance dough?

HEALY
Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks
to track down his high school
girlfriend.

SULLY
Stalker, huh?

HEALY
Big time.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY

This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of
South Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.

HEALY
Very nice.

SULLY
I'm doing okay.
(checks watch)
I gotta get ready for work.

Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the
apartment.

HEALY
Okay? With this pad, the killer
wheels? Looks like you really cleaned
up your act.

SULLY (O.S.)
What can I tell you? It's a healthier
lifestyle down here, and it's easier
to succeed when your head's clear.
Those guys I worked with back in
Boston, they were a bad influence.

HEALY
Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you
say we go grab a couple drinks.

SULLY (O.S.)
Not for me, buddy. I don't drink
anymore.

HEALY
Yeah, and you don't drink any less,
right?

Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.

HEALY
What the...?!

Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.

SULLY
Take it easy, that's Bill.

HEALY
Tell Bill to get the fuck off!

SULLY
(smiling)
Relax, he just ate.

Healy just stares at his friend.

SULLY
(proudly)
Nineteen months I been sober.

HEALY
What are you talking about? You were
never an alky, you were a cokehead.

SULLY
Yeah, well when you quit blow, you
gotta quit the booze, too.

HEALY
Is that right? Well good for you,
Sull, I'm proud of you.

Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.

HEALY
Here, just have one of these then.

SULLY
Healy, what I just tell you?

HEALY
This is a light beer. You can't have
a light beer?

SULLY
No I can't.

Healy stares at him, baffled.

HEALY
Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for
Christ sakes.
(holds up beer)
Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get
ya.

Sully stares at the beer, weakening.

HEALY
I'm worried about you, man. You better
learn to have a pop once in a while
or you're gonna fall off the wagon.
You're being a fanatic and that ain't
healthy.

SULLY
Am I?

HEALY
Bet your ass you are. Now I don't
want to hear anymore of your happy
horseshit. You gotta learn how to
bend a little or believe me... you're
gonna break.

Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and
then sips.

SULLY
Jesus, you know what? This shit
doesn't even taste good to me anymore.

HEALY
Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy.
What are you, spotting?

Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we

CUT TO:

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN

Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE
MICROPHONE attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.

Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones -- Healy's
jolted awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims
the binoculars toward...

HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET

Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment.
The music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in
bed and shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured
cold water over her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary
hops out of bed, wearing only her panties, and though she's
a little older now, she still looks well cast.

CLOSE UP -- ON HEALY -- he's become extremely interested in
his work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a
job to do -- he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:

HEALY
(into recorder)
Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her
current address, two-niner-eight
Euclid Avenue, Miami Beach. Husband,
negative. Children and Labrador,
negative. Extremely nice ass,
affirmative.

INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY

Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman,
MAGDA, sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO
SCANNERS.

MARY
Have you been up all night again?

MAGDA
Bet your ass I have. It's an important
job, Neighborhood Watch is.

MARY
Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you
call listening in on stranger's phone
conversations?

MAGDA
These ain't strangers, they're
neighbors. This only picks up signals
in a half-mile radius.

MARY
Meaning?

MAGDA
Meaning these are the people you
live amongst, you got a right to
know if they're creeps. For instance,
did you know there's a guy down the
hall cheating on his wife?

MARY
(feigning shock)
You picked that up on the scanner.
We gotta move.

MAGDA
I confirmed it on the scanner. I
knew something was up because Puffy
used to bark like hell whenever he
saw him and you know Puffy only barks
at bad people.

Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.

MARY
Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.

MAGDA
That's because there's a lot of bad
people out there. Hey, Puffy tried
to warn you about that Steve guy you
was seeing -- he was a fucking asswipe --
but you had to find out for yourself,
didn't you?

MARY
Okay, you win. Now try to get some
sleep, huh.

Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.

CUT TO:

MUSIC MONTAGE -- as Healy follows Mary around town.

EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING

Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world.
There is a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips
him an apple, then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING

Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.

ON HEALY -- watching from the parking lot.

HEALY
(into mic)
Looks like we got an athlete on our
hands.

EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING

Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE.
Finally the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF
FOOD.

PAN TO Healy watching from his car.

HEALY
(into mic)
Well, from her figure and her
appetite, I'm guessing she's either
got a bowel disorder or we've got a
hurler on our hands.

EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING

Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch
out front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.

Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.

MARY
Get in line. One at a time.

A fat patient, GARY, approaches.

GARY
Can I have two, Mary?

MARY
Yeah, you can have two halves, just
like everyone else.

GARY
Thanks.

Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and
then bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.

FREDDIE
Will you marry me, Mary?

MARY
Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
Dolores?

Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.

FREDDIE
Would you marry us both, Mary?

MARY
Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
wouldn't it?

Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
inconspicuous.

MARY
Wow, this is weird. There was somebody
who looked just like you here a minute
ago.

Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.

CLOSE ON Healy.

HEALY
(into mic)
Ixnay on the big appetite.
(beat)
She's just got a big heart.

EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY

Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and
her friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table
under an umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in
South Beach Magazine.

LISA
Listen to this one -- 'Seeking
sensitive Wasp doctor to share
candlelit dinners, long walks in
Coconut Grove, marriage.'

BRENDA
What does this girl want, a corpse?
You gotta be more specific: 'Seeking
deaf mute with three pound cock and
trust fund.'

JOANIE
No, it should be 'a hockey player
with great pecs.'

MARY
Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of
those guys with a fish-net shirt and
a banana hammock.

PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
conversation.

BRENDA (O.S.)
(to Mary)
I suppose you wouldn't like someone
with a washboard stomach like Brad
Pitt?

BACK ON Mary and friends.

MARY
I'm just saying I don't mind a guy
with a bit of a beer belly. It means
he's a guy. You can have those pretty
boys who hang out in a gym all day
staring at their reflections.

ON HEALY

HEALY
(quietly into mic)
A girl after your own heart, Ted.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

JOANIE
I can live with those reflections.

MARY
I'm sick of these calorie-countin'
pansies. Give me a guy who likes
kielbasa and beer and playing thirty-
six holes and still has enough energy
to take me and Warren out to a
ballgame.

JOANIE
(sarcastic)
Jeez, I don't know where you're ever
going to find a guy like that.

MARY
But here's the rub. The guy I'm
talking about has got to be self-
employed.

LISA
You mean, like an architect or
something?

MARY
Architect, yeah.

BRENDA
You mean creative, but not poor.

MARY
No, it's not the money. Creative,
yeah, that's good, but it's the
freedom I'm talking about. See, this
guy has to have a job he could do
anywhere. That way we could just up
and leave at the drop of a hat.

LISA
And where would you and your beer-
bellied architect be leaving to?

MARY
I don't know. The Super Bowl, New
Orleans Jazz Festival... maybe a
couple months in Nepal.

JOANIE
Yeah, and you'd probably dump the
poor guy halfway to Katmandu.

MARY
What's that supposed to mean?

JOANIE
It means you're too hard on guys.

MARY
No I'm not.

JOANIE
Oh come off it, Mare. What about
what's-his-name... Steverino? You
could've at least passed the baton
on that one.

The girls LAUGH.

MARY
Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
awhile.

JOANIE
All right for awhile? The guy's good-
looking, rich, witty. He was a god.

LISA
At one point you were talking about
marrying him. Come on, why'd you
dump him?

Mary thinks about this.

MARY
I don't know, it was complicated.
He's in San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
(dodging question)
Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated
him.

JOANIE
Is that old crab still with you?
Mary, you said you were putting her
up for a month -- it's been a year
and a half.

MARY
Ah, she's okay.

LISA
Mary, cut the crap, what really
happened with Steve?

MARY
Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
(sighs)
Warren.

JOANIE
What? Steve seemed to put up with
Warren.

MARY
I don't want someone who'll put up
with him. I want someone who will
enjoy him, the way I do. Do you know
what he told my friend Tucker? He
said he would've popped the question
a lot earlier if Warren wasn't in my
life.
(beat)
Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
lucky to have him. The hell with
Steve.

Everyone is touched by this. Then:

BRENDA
Well, that's the last time I blow
him behind your back.

As the girls LAUGH, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to
get home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone
answers but doesn't speak.

HEALY
Hello...? Sully...?
(beat)
Sully, that you?

SULLY (V.O.)
(over phone)
Who the fuck is it to you?

HEALY
Sully, it's Healy. What's going on
over there?

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform,
a ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered
with beer cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a
pile of cocaine and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table.
The dog and the snake are in the doorway looking at him with
concern.

SULLY
(into phone, sloshed)
Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think
your shit don't stink. Well I got
news for you -- you're goddamn right
it don't! How the hell are ya?!

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy looks at the phone, concerned.

HEALY
Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you
know I'll have your car back in a
couple hours, I'm still staking out
this girl's apartment.

SULLY (V.O.)
You found my car?!

Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides
down in his seat.

ON MARY -- she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands
him the bag.

HOMELESS MAN
Thanks, Mary.

MARY
You watch out for yourself, Herb.

As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we HOLD ON the
Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda out of
the bag.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her
radio scanner, listening intently.

MAGDA
Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this --
some cop's staking out this broad's
apartment.

MARY
No time, Magda, my show's starting.

BACK ON HEALY...

...he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE
EQUIPMENT pointed at Mary's place.

MAGDA (V.O.)
This is a good one, Mare. Sounds
like his partner's all lubed up.

HEALY
(quietly into phone)
Call you back.

SULLY
(over phone)
God, I miss ya, ya fuck --

Healy hangs up abruptly.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGDA
Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.

Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the
tube just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is
playing. Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts
watching.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.

ON HEALY -- he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.

HEALY
Fucking Barney... he never learns...

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands
and starts to UNDRESS for bed.

BACK ON HEALY -- he sits up, very interested now.

HEALY
(into mic)
Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the
money shot.

Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.

ON HEALY -- he cringes.

HEALY
Oooof. First chink in the armor,
Teddy Boy....

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV -- He moves his view up from the tits
to reveal...

MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.

ON HEALY -- He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV -- moving over to the next window we
see...

Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.

ON HEALY -- as he starts to drool.

HEALY
Oh sweet Jesus

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
approaches.

HEALY
I've got some very, very good news
for you, my friend.

TED
Really?
(perking up)
Very, very?

Healy sits down and motions for a beer.

HEALY
I think your life's about to change.

TED
So you found Mary?

HEALY
Right there in Liberty City. And you
were right, she's really something.

TED
(smiles)
So she hasn't changed?

HEALY
That I couldn't say. Let me ask you
something: Was she a little big-boned
in high school?

TED
No, not at all.

HEALY
Well she must've packed on a few
pounds over the years.

This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.

TED
Mary's a little chubby, huh?

HEALY
I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a
half. Not bad.

Ted's smile starts to fade.

HEALY
But you know, you shit out a bunch
of kids, you're going to put on a
few pounds.

TED
So she's married?

HEALY
Nope. Never been.

TED
Huh?

HEALY
Four kids, three different guys.

TED
Three different guys?

HEALY
Well I'm guessing. There's a black
kid, two whites, and a midget.

TED
Oh my.

HEALY
Hyperactive little fuckers, too.
Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair,
I bet.

TED
She's in a wheelchair?!

Ted looks completely drained.

HEALY
Don't look so shocked, it's been a
long time. I bet you've changed a
lot over the last twelve years,
haven't you?

TED
(shrugs)
It's just that... Mary. I wouldn't
have thought...

HEALY
Anyway, the good news is I have all
the information you need. Got it
from her bookie -- nice guy. You
should definitely call her, Ted. I
mean she's a real sparkplug, that
one. She seems determined to get
those rugrats off welfare and with
your help I'll bet she does it.

Ted stands and starts moping away.

TED
Thanks, Healy. Good work.

HEALY
Ted? Don't you want the name of the
housing project?

TED
Uh, that's okay.

HEALY
You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd
love to hear from you before her
mastectomy!

As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits
back.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake
in bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment
next door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser.
As he flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-
up Kleenex, a few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up
the wallet and opens it.

TED'S POV -- Inside is an an old high school photo of a
smiling Mary.

As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

ON HEALY'S CUBICLE -- Healy's taking his last boxload of
crap out of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck
back in but Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted
approaches.

TED
What are you doing?

HEALY
Oh, uh, I resigned.

Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.

TED
Miami?

HEALY
Yeah, this insurance business is too
slow for me. I'm going to go down
and try my hand at jai alai.

TED
Jai alai?

HEALY
Yeah, I don't know why but I always
felt at home in the fronton.

Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy
is having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.

TED
Look, uh, I've been thinking about
everything you told me.

HEALY
Good good.

TED
Well I think you're right, I should
look her up.

HEALY
Rollerpig? Are you nuts?

TED
But you said she was a sparkplug...?

HEALY
I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.

TED
All the same, I still want to call
her. I know it sounds crazy -- Mary
sure has a lot of troubles in her
life -- but, I don't know, maybe I
can help her out.
(sighs)
The poor thing's had it tough --
she's in a wheelchair for Godsakes.

HEALY
It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.

TED
Oh. I thought
(beat)
That's not it anyway. I know this
doesn't make any sense to you, but I
just can't turn it off that fast. I
still feel something for her.

Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.

HEALY
Okay, tell you what: I'll get her
number for you just as soon as she
gets back from Japan.

TED
Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

HEALY
You've heard of mail-order brides?
Well they go that way, too.

Ted is devastated.

TED
Mary's a mail-order bride?

HEALY
Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't
forget, it's the Sumo culture, they
pay by the pound there. Sort of like
tuna.

Off Ted's look, we

CUT TO:

EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.

TED
That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll
never procrastinate about anything
again. Life is too fucking short.

DOM
Hey, look on the bright side --

TED
(interrupting)
What's that, Dom? What's the bright
side?

DOM
Well... at least now you know.

TED
I think it was better when I didn't.
It was kind of inspiring to know
there was someone so pure in the
world.

As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.

TED
What's so funny?

DOM
I'm sorry, it's just that you're
taking this all wrong, pal. Don't
you see? You're liberated. I feel
liberated. I mean here you've been
in therapy thinking you blew it with
the greatest girl ever, and it turns
out that getting your dick stuck in
your zipper was the best thing that
ever happened to you!

Ted flinches at this.

TED
Wait a second, I never told you that.

DOM
Christ, Ted, I was only four towns
away.

Ted thinks it over.

TED
Maybe you're right. I should look on
the bright side. I mean, I've still
got my health...
(checks watch)
I'm out of here. I've got to get up
at six a.m. to move my boss's brother
into his apartment.

DOM
What? On your day off? Do you even
know the guy?

TED
Never met him.

DOM
Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish
that damn novel so you can quit that
stupid magazine.

TED
Amen to that.

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and
strolls jauntily to...

GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S

Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops
the ball and it dribbles about ten yards.

HEALY
Hit a house! Bite bite!
(to Mary)
Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth
backswing, and

HEALY
Hey, can you give me some tips here?

She cracks her shot long and straight.

MARY
Yeah, don't talk in someone's
backswing.

HEALY
Thanks.

Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.

HEALY
I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?

MARY
(annoyed)
No thanks.

Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.

HEALY
Oh cripes. Do you have change for a
dollar? All I have is these stupid
Nepalese coins.

MARY
(interested)
Nepal? Have you been?

HEALY
Not in months. I don't even know why
I bought the damn place.

MARY
You own a home there?

HEALY
Well... it's just a condo really.
Right outside Katmandu.

MARY
Wow. That's a place I've always wanted
to go. Is it true the mountains are
so tall you can't see the tops?

HEALY
Not 'til you get about three hundred
yards from the summit. That's been
my experience anyway.

She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch.

HEALY
You know, I should just get going.
I'll work on my game next week.

He flips her a coin.

HEALY
Here. Spend it on your trip to
Katmandu.

MARY
(smiles)
Thanks.

Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will
she ever see this guy again?

MARY
(CALLS after him)
It was nice meeting you!

Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand
and gives her a little wave.

Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...

EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY

Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to
Mary's Honda Civic.

He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out
the door and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary
tosses her golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying
his shoes. A second chance.

MARY
Well, it was nice meeting you, again.

HEALY
Same here again.

MARY
By the way, what's your name?

HEALY
Pat Healy.

There's an uncomfortable pause... Why doesn't this guy ask
the usual questions?

MARY
Don't you want to know my name?

HEALY
I already know it, Mary.

MARY
(surprised)
How'd you know that?

HEALY
It's right there on your golf bag.

Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes.
Suddenly, rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary
bends over to help Healy pick them up.

MARY
What are you doing with all these
blueprints?

HEALY
Some buildings I'm working on.

MARY
Are you... an architect?

HEALY
Well, just until I get my PGA Tour
card.

Mary stares at him, mouth agape.

HEALY
I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could
call me an architect -- it's just a
job really, a way to keep me moving.
My real passion is my hobby.

MARY
What's that?

HEALY
I work with retards.

MARY
(taken aback)
I beg your pardon?

HEALY
You know...
(flaps lips with
fingers)
...the guys who ride the short bus.

MARY
(put off)
Isn't that a little politically
incorrect?

HEALY
The hell with that. No one's gonna
tell me who I can and can't work
with.

MARY
No, I mean

HEALY
-- There's this one kid, we call him
Mongo on account of he's a mongoloid.
He got out of his cage once and --

MARY
-- He's in a cage?!

HEALY
Well it's more of an enclosure really.

MARY
They keep him confined? That's
bullshit!

HEALY
That's what I said, so I went out
and got him a leash you know, one of
those clothesline runners for the
backyard. He's got plenty of room
out there to dig. The kid's really
blossomed. Now I can take him to
ball games, movies -- you know, happy
stuff.

MARY
That sounds like fun.

HEALY
Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's
heaven for me.
(getting emotional)
Those goofy bastards are just about
the best thing I have in this crazy
old world.
(checks watch)
Ooh, hey, I gotta run.

MARY
(won back over)
Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we
should go have dinner sometime.

Healy smiles at this and we

CUT TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.

A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS
his way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
catches up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic
who needs to use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not
to scratch that thing, huh?

TED
(straining)
What?

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
You heard me. You already put a
fucking nick in my piano.

TED
(biting tongue)
I'll try to be more careful.

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
S'matter with you? You look like
you're fading.

TED
The thing's kind of heavy.

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give
to know what heavy feels like, you
insensitive prick.

TED
No, I just meant...

BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner
to get a cup of coffee.

The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and
ZIPS AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step.
Rests.

ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
Hey you!

Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS
CREW on her heels.

T.V. NEWS REPORTER
Do you know that you're parked in a
handicapped spot?

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR.
LALONDE, an old high school pal, palpates his spine.

DR. LALONDE
(smirking)
So... I see you made the news.

TED
(angry and embarrassed)
It wasn't my truck -- I was helping
out a guy in a wheelchair.

DR. LALONDE
(dubious)
Uh-huh. Where was he?

TED
Out getting coffee.

DR. LALONDE
Yeah, that's more or less what the
others said, too. Out getting
coffee... supposed to meet him here...
picking up my grandma...

Ted turns and GLARES at him.

DR. LALONDE
I'm just saying... They sure made
you look dumb.

Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.

TED
Bob, do you remember Mary?

DR. LALONDE
Who?

TED
Mary.

DR. LALONDE
From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw
her about six months ago at a
convention in Las Vegas.

Ted sits up.

TED
A convention? How'd you see her at a
convention?

DR. LALONDE
I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
orthopedic surgeon.

The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.

DR. LALONDE
What a babe...

Ted sits up on his elbows.

TED
Babe?

CUT TO:

INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed
look on his face.

TED
Mary's a babe!

DOM
What?

TED
My Mary -- she's not in Japan, she's
single, and she's got no rugrats.
She does have a little gambling
problem, she plays the football cards
a bit too much, but she's a babe, a
surgeon babe!

DOM
Huh? But why did Healy?

TED
Well think about it.

Ted folds his arms.

DOM
No You mean...?

TED
Uh-huh.

DOM
The lazy fuck just didn't bother to
look her up.

TED
(nodding)
That sneaky prick was probably
practicing his jai alai.

Dom shakes his head. Then:

DOM
Well then you've got to call her,
man.

TED
Fuck calling her. I'm going down
there.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of
the radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy
on her lap.

MAGDA
So who's the lucky guy?

MARY
Name's Patrick, I met him at the
driving range.

MAGDA
Good lookin'?

MARY
He's no Steve Young.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.

MAGDA (V.O.)
What's he like?

MARY (V.O.)
I don't know. He's kind of a mook.

MAGDA (V.O.)
What's a mook?

MARY (V.O.)
You know, a mookalone, a schlep.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

MAGDA
Then why you going out with him if
he's a schlep?

MARY
Come on, Magda
(SIGHS)
It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

MAGDA
I don't watch the new ones.

MARY
This one's almost thirty years old.
It's about a young kid and an old
lady who fall in love.

MAGDA
That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
anymore -- it's bullshit! Why the
hell would an old lady go for a young
kid?

Mary smiles at this.

MARY
The point is, love isn't about money
or social standing or age, it's about
connecting with someone, having things
in common kindred spirits.

MAGDA
Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
here's gonna tell you all you need
to know about this guy in about two
seconds flat. If he starts yapping,
he's a loser; if Puffy's relaxed...
well, you got yourself a keeper.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

As Healy thinks about this, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Healy enters the building.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through
the mail slot.

HEALY'S POV -- Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.

Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY
TREAT. Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center,
examines it, then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER
ONE.

Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail
slot and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his
watch, then sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for
the drugs to kick in.

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda
look on in amazement.

HEALY
(baby talk)
Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-
tum rubbed, doesn't he now?

MARY
Wow, I've never seen him like this.
He doesn't usually like guys.

MAGDA
You mean he doesn't like bad guys.

HEALY
'That right?

MAGDA
He can tell you're an animal nut.
You are, aren't ya?

HEALY
Truth is I usually get along better
with animals than with people. In
Nepal the villagers call me 'Kin-tan-
tee', which means 'man who is loved
by many animals...
(babbling)
...who love him a lot, too... and so
on.'

Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.

MAGDA
Would you like a glass of tea or
something?

HEALY
You got a brew?

MARY
Sure.
(noticing Magda's
trance)
Uh, Magda, why don't you get some
more cheese and crackers...?

MAGDA
Oh, yeah, of course, dear.

The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet
the MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A
LITTLE TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks
at his watch to time the rate.

MARY (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like
vodka?

HEALY
(CALLING out)
Great.

He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy
goes into action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING
DOGGIE CPR.

One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.

MAGDA (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Would you like a little clam-dip,
honey?

HEALY
(CALLING out)
No, thanks.
(panicking)
Love a little bundt cake if you have
some!

INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME

Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.

MAGDA
Bundt cake?

MARY
(shrugs)
Must have a sweet tooth. See if you
can find some cookies.

As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...

INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME

A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
now.

Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....

HEALY
(quietly, desperately,
to Puffy)
Come on, man, stay away from the
light!

Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.

Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.

ZZZZZTTTTTT -- the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch
as SPARKS FLY.

Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more
with the LIVE WIRES.

ZZZZZTTTTT -- Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE
IN FLAMES.

When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He
grabs a vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING
DOG.

With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!

MAGDA
All I had was some Funny Bones --
how does that sound, honey?

Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket
as Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.

HEALY
(petting dog)
Fine. Fine.

MARY
Here you go.
(sniffs)
What's that smell?

Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT

Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into
the courtyard area by the main building.

HEALY
The museum? I thought we were going
out to dinner?

MARY
We will, but first I have a surprise.

HEALY
A surprise?

MARY
The architecture exhibit! My friend
Tucker is going to be here. He's an
architect, too. You guys will have
tons to talk about.

CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.

INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT

Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the
room for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.

MARY
I know he's around here someplace.

HEALY
(chipper)
What say we get outta here and go
crush a bucket?

MARY
We just got here thirty seconds ago.
Isn't this stuff great?

Mary points to an architectural model.

MARY
Is this one art deco or art nouveau?

HEALY
Deco.

MARY
Would you call that a portico or a
vestibule?

HEALY
That...? Vestibule.

MARY
How about -- ?

HEALY
When you look at architecture, try
not to concern yourself with the
pieces -- look at the building in
its totalitarianism.

Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of
invisible sixshooters at her.

HEALY
Stone crab time! Come on, let's get
outta here, goofy.

He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.

MARY
Tucker!

Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a distinguished-
looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog that's
being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.

TUCKER
(still hugging)
Come on, like you mean it.

Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:

MARY
Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.

Healy and Tucker shake hands.

TUCKER
Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.

HEALY
Same here.

MARY
Pat's an architect, too.

TUCKER
Hey, no kidding? Where are your
offices?

HEALY
(keeping cool)
Mainly I work out of Boston.

TUCKER
Boston, huh? Did you get your degree
up there?

HEALY
Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.

TUCKER
Harvard?

HEALY
You bet.

TUCKER
(pleased)
Did you study under Kim Greene?

HEALY
Among others.

TUCKER
Kim and I are close friends!

HEALY
Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.

TUCKER
You mean him.

Beat.

HEALY
Well... that's debatable.

Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is
in doubt.

TUCKER
Really? But he's been married for
twenty years -- they've got six kids.

HEALY
Nice smokescreen, isn't it?

Tucker can hardly believe his ears.

MARY
Pat does projects all over the world.

TUCKER
(impressed)
Where would I have seen your work?

HEALY
Have you been to
(thinking hard)
Let's see -- Santiago, Chile?

TUCKER
Absolutely! I was there twice last
year. Which building is yours?

HEALY
Do you know the... soccer stadium?

TUCKER
Did you build the Estadio Olympico?

HEALY
No... just down the street, the Amigo
Tower.

TUCKER
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it.
What style?

HEALY
Uh, sort of nouveau Deco... with a
big vestibule. Check it out next
time you're up there.

Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.

TUCKER
You know, I really should take your
card.

HEALY
(noticing something)
Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse
me a minute, Tucker?

Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking
at an exhibit.

HEALY
(to Man)
Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the
hell are ya?

MAN
My name's Mel.

HEALY
Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you
look just like Jim Dubois?

MAN
The sheepfucker?

Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.

INT. TOYOTA TERCEL

A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-
car.

He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the
seat beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL
BAG between his legs.

HITCHHIKER
Thanks for picking me up.

TED
No prob, I could use the company.
I've been on the road going on fifteen
hours straight.

HITCHHIKER
I know how you feel -- I been standing
in the same spot for the last five
hours. You know it's against the law
to pick up a hitchhiker in this state.

TED
That must make it tough.

HITCHHIKER
Sucks. So what's up? You some kind
of salesman or something?

TED
Nah. I'm... I'm nothing.

HITCHHIKER
Oh. Well I am.

TED
Hm?

HITCHHIKER
A salesman -- that's what I am. I
mean, I'm gonna be anyway. I'm
starting my own company -- video
sales -- just as soon as I get enough
seed money.

TED
'That right? Good for you.

HITCHHIKER
Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea --
it's a home run. You ever hear of
Eight-Minute Abs?

TED
The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen
it on T.V.

HITCHHIKER
Two million copies it sold last year.
Two million, man. But not next year --
my idea's gonna blow them outta the
water. Get this:
(dramatic pause)
Seven-Minute Abs.

Beat.

TED
I see where you're going.

HITCHHIKER
(big smile)
Think about it. You walk into a video
store and you see Eight-Minute Abs
and right next to it you see Seven-
Minute Abs -- which one you gonna
spring for?

TED
I'd go with the seven.

HITCHHIKER
Bingo. Especially since we guarantee
you'll get every bit as good a work-
out.

TED
How do you guarantee that?

HITCHHIKER
Well it's the company motto: 'If you
ain't happy we'll send you the extra
minute.'

TED
Huh. That sounds great.
(beat)
Unless someone else comes out with
Six-Minute Abs.

Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.

TED
(unaware)
I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a
leak.

EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT

The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks
into the bushes to whiz.

ON TED -- as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly
he TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.

TED
What the -- ?

Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH -- several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN
scurrying to pull their pants up all around him.

POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
THIS IS A RAID!

ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE
GUY.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
CREW.

TED
(deer caught in
headlights)
Wait a second, it's not what you
think.

A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.

PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!

Ted glares at him.

TED
No! I was pissing!

POLICE OFFICER
Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come
on, in the truck.

As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we PAN
TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
unfold.

The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the
cops.

Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS
AWAY INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of
the men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT
FOR TED who is extremely visible.

TED
(to Cop)
Okay, take it easy, you don't have
to push.

REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching
this on their television.

DOM
Oh my God. Is that...?

DOM'S WIFE
(matter-of-fact)
Told you he was gay.

BACK ON THE TELEVISION -- The COPS struggle to get the feisty
Ted into a police van.

TED
I was taking a leak!

T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We'll be right back with more of our
special edition of COPS -- LIVE IN
THE BIBLE BELT!

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT

Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date.
Healy is eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking
a beer.

HEALY
That grandmother of yours -- she's
really something.

MARY
Magda? She's not my grandmother --
actually she rents the apartment
right next to mine. Her husband passed
away a couple years ago so she doesn't
like to be alone.

HEALY
And it doesn't cramp your style?

MARY
Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.

HEALY
Lint?

MARY
Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers
running around on the rug all day --
just makes for a lot of lint. Look
at this...

Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.

MARY
See? That's just one day.

Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.

HEALY
You know, sometimes I wish I could
be like Magda and not go home. I'd
like to just bounce around for awhile,
do a little traveling...

MARY
Why bounce when you have your own
condo in Nepal to go to?

It's clear Healy forgot about that one.

HEALY
Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a
new place, quit the architect game,
slow things down, read more books,
see more movies...

MARY
You're a movie buff?

HEALY
Try to be. It's tough going with the
crap they make today. If Dumb and
Dumber's the best they've got to
offer I say thanks but no thanks.

MARY
Have you seen it?

HEALY
No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay
Carr hated it.

MARY
A fucking moron.

HEALY
Huh. I guess I just wish they made
them like they used to. You know,
something like The Heartbreak Kid...
or Harold and Maude.

Mary can't believe her ears.

MARY
Harold and Maude is my all-time
favorite movie.

HEALY
Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops.
I know it's corny, but I do love it.

MARY
Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think
it's the greatest --

HEALY
-- Love story of our time.

Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?

MARY
Yeah.

HEALY
Wow. I thought I was the only one.

They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
awkward.

MARY
So...

HEALY
Yeah... I guess this is it, huh?

MARY
I guess.

HEALY
Well, I'll see ya.

Healy turns to go but stops.

HEALY
Mary ah, forget it.

MARY
What?

HEALY
No, forget it, it was stupid.

MARY
Come on, what were you going to say?

HEALY
Nah, really, it was moronic.

She grabs him by the shirt playfully.

MARY
Just say it.

Healy takes a deep breath.

HEALY
Could I feel your bosoms before I
go?

Mary just stares at him.

MARY (BEAT)
Knock yourself out.

Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her,
she doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:

HEALY
Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?

She smiles and as Healy walks away we

CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation
room.

PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-
way mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
Man, they never look like you'd
expect.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
That's probably how he got the victim
to drop his guard.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
Where'd they find the body?

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
In a big red bag on the front
passenger seat. All hacked up --
fucking gruesome -- a real psycho,
this one.

The Detectives ENTER the room.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.

TED
(agitated)
I'm telling you, I did not solicit
sex! I was just stopping to go the
bathroom, next thing I know I tripped
over something -- well someone --
and, POOF, there's cops and lights
and--

DETECTIVE FRANEK
Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe
you.
(beat)
The problem is we found your friend
in the car.

As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him.
Finally Ted thinks he gets it.

TED
Oh. The hitchhiker.
(CHUCKLES)
That's what this is all about.

Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.

TED
Isn't that just my luck -- I get
caught for everything.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
So you admit it?

TED
Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna
play games with you. I could give
you a song and dance but what's the
point? I did it and we all know it.
(laughs)
The hitcher himself told me it's
illegal. The irony...

The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

TED
Jeez, I didn't catch it.

The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
So he was a stranger? It was totally
random?

TED
(confused)
He was the first hitcher I saw, what
can I tell you? Now cut to the chase,
how much trouble am I in?

The Detectives look at one another.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
First tell us why you did it.

TED
Why I did it?
(scoffs)
I don't know. Boredom? I thought I
was doing the guy a favor.

The Detectives look at each other.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
This wasn't your first time, was it,
Ted? How many we talking?

TED
Hitchhikers? I don't know -- fifty...
a hundred maybe -- Who keeps track?

Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and
enters the building.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL -- Healy is parked in his
car. His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's
office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT
standing near the coffee maker.

MARY
Mornin', Jane.

MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
Good morning, Doctor. Your friend
Tucker's in your office to see you.

Mary nods and heads toward her office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her
desk.

(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)

TUCKER
What's up, Doc?

MARY
Tucker, you look different some how.
Did you do something with your hair?

MARY'S POV -- Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his
upper lip making him look like a walrus.

TUCKER
The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em
capped.

ON MARY -- smiles.

MARY
Oh yeah, they look great.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.

TUCKER (V.O.)
You don't think they're too big?

MARY (V.O.)
No no, the bigger the better.
(beat)
But I must say, they could be a little
brighter. Nothing's sexier than a
mouthful of pearly whites.

Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and
laughs. He stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past
him he gives her a kiss on the cheek.

TUCKER
You ever been laid in this office?

Mary pushes past him.

MARY
Behave yourself, Tucker.
(smiles)
Come on, what are you doing here?

She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.

TUCKER
I wanted to talk to you about your
friend Patrick.

EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Healy almost flies out of his seat.

MARY (O.S.)
He's a nice guy, isn't he?

TUCKER (O.S.)
Well that's what I'm trying to figure
out. How long have you known him?

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker has a look of concern.

MARY
Not long at all, but I really like
him.
(off Tucker's look)
Okay, I know he's a little different,
Tucker, but that's what I like about
him. He's a guy. A real guy. He
dresses like a dork and eats corndogs
and he isn't always politically
correct and he probably farts, too.
And that's okay with me.

TUCKER
That's what you've been looking for --
a farter?

MARY
I've been looking for a guy -- not
one of these South Beach pussies.

TUCKER
(SIGHS)
Look, it's just that something about
him struck me as odd last night. He
gave me this funny vibe. Anyway, I
called some friends back east. They
don't know of any architect named
Patrick Healy and he's not listed as
a Harvard alumnus.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.

HEALY
Fuck!!

MARY (O.S.)
Huh... that's strange.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

TUCKER
I thought so. Anyway, I hope you
don't think I'm being meddlesome. I
just think you should be careful
with this guy.

MARY
(concerned)
No no no, Tucker, thank you.

TUCKER
I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
beautiful, you've got money, you
trust people -- I'm just saying,
there's a lot of psychos out there.

MARY
(small smile)
I appreciate you looking out for me.

CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

CLOSE ON -- Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful-looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
On behalf of the entire South Carolina
law enforcement community, I would
like to offer our heartfelt apologies
for any pain or temporary
inconvenience we may have caused
you, Mr. Peloquin.

REVERSE ANGLE -- reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.

INT. PRISON HALLWAY

The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the
hallway.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
At exactly 10:48 this morning a man
was apprehended not far from where
you were arrested. He was identified
as an escaped mental patient and
subsequently confessed to the murder
that you were being held for. Lab
tests confirmed a fingerprint match
on the bag.

TED
(fragile)
So... I'm free to go?

Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.

DETECTIVE CAVALLO
No harm, no foul?

TED
(stunned)
I guess.

Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes
toward the door.

DETECTIVE FRANEK
By the way, there's somebody here to
see you.

CUT TO:

INT. TED'S CAR - DAY

Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger
seat.

DOM
You are one lucky sonofabitch, you
know that?

TED
I am?

DOM
Didn't they tell you? That hitcher
was just about to cut your throat
when you stopped to take a leak. You
got a fucking horseshoe up your ass,
man.

TED
Yeah feels like it.

Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.

TED
How the hell did you get here anyway?

DOM
Flew.
(beat)
Told my wife I was going to a Promise
Keepers convention.

Ted gives him a look.

DOM
I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I
have some bad news for you.

Ted SIGHS.

TED
(resigned)
Shoot.

DOM
Remember our friend Healy? Well, I
didn't know where to mail his last
paycheck so I sent my assistant by
his mother's apartment. Turns out
there is no diabetic mom. Landlord
said she's been dead for ten years.

TED
And this adversely affects me how...?

DOM
Don't you see? -- Healy lied to us
about everything! The landlord said
when he got back from Miami he kept
talking about falling for some doctor
named Mary!

Ted is stunned.

TED
Huh? What? No... My Mary? Mary
wouldn't go for him... would she?

Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.

DOM
His address in Miami. You know, when
you think about it, we really don't
know the first thing about this guy.

Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.

TED
Jesus Christ what have I done?

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment
while Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.

LISA
You're not seriously thinking about
going out with this guy again?

JOANNIE
Mary, he sounds like a psycho!

MAGDA
Would you hens quit ya cackling and
let her do what she wants to do.
Puffy liked him and Puffy's never
wrong.

The girlfriends roll their eyes.

BRENDA
Mary, the guy's full of shit.

MARY
What if he's not? What if Tucker
just made an honest mistake?

LISA
What if he didn't?

It's clear that Mary is torn.

MARY
I don't know how I can bail now,
he's going to be here any minute.

JOANNIE
Well then blow him off when he gets
here.

MARY
But you didn't meet him. He seems so
I don't know... perfect... kind of.

BRENDA
He has a big cock, doesn't he?

Mary shoots Brenda a look.

MAGDA
Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last
name was?

MARY
Healy.

Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.

MAGDA
I think you better listen to this.

Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly
hear Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her
girlfriends gather around.

SULLY (V.O.)
So where the hell are you, Healy?

HEALY (V.O.)
Ah, I got a date tonight with that
Mary girl I told you about.

SULLY (V.O.)
The sawbones?

HEALY (V.O.)
Yep.

The girls all look at one another.

BRENDA
We hit the motherlode.

MARY
We shouldn't be listening to this.

LISA AND JOANNIE
Shhh.

SULLY (V.O.)
She still think you're a fucking
architect?

HEALY (V.O.)
Oh yeah.

SULLY (V.O.)
Dumbshit.

LISA
Mr. Perfect, huh?

Mary starts to feel like a fool.

MARY
(edgy)
Turn it up, Magda.

HEALY (V.O.)
Hey, watch your mouth -- she's a
great gal. I'm the dumbshit for lying
to her.

SULLY (V.O.)
Why didn't you just tell her the
truth?

HEALY (V.O.)
I don't know. I guess... it just
seems that women today are more
impressed by the mighty buck than by
some schmo who spent the last
seventeen years scraping by on Peace
Corp wages.

The girls all seem moved by this.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT
in the other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:

SULLY (V.O.)
But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special
as you say, she's going to want to
hear about the things you did.

HEALY
(dismissing this)
Ahh.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME

A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch
in his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE
on the table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.

In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl
and the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely
moving.

SULLY
(reading)
Come on, you could tell her about
the irrigation ditches you dug in
Sudan, the orphan babies who cried
in your arms in Romania...
(does a line of blow)
...the hope you gave Freddie the
leper in Calcutta...

Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS
TO EAT IT.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

JOANNIE
(welling up)
I love this man.

Magda folds her arms and gloats.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

HEALY
Look, I did all those things for
myself. I'll be honest with you, I'm
a selfish prick. I get a high from
helping all of God's creatures. An
honest to goodness high.

Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and
instinctively squashes it.

ON SULLY -- he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.

Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.

SULLY
(winging it)
That's bullshit, man you, uh, you
were on the front line. Remember
the, uh, malaria the, uh, typhoon
fever that vicious strain of genital
herpes?

ON MARY AND FRIENDS -- they flinch at this.

ON HEALY -- he stares at the phone, horrified.

HEALY (V.O.)
Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
illnesses in third-world countries.

ON MARY AND FRIENDS -- as they let out a sigh.

HEALY
The bottom line is, I'm not going to
use my philanthropy as some form of
currency... especially after what I
did.
(SIGHS)
I lied to this poor girl. Lied, man.
She deserved better.

SULLY (V.O.)
Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
things.

HEALY (V.O.)
You said it, mister.
(choking up)
I gotta go.

ON SULLY -- as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line,
we PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle,
before finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor
Bill. Bill glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE,
and wiggles his way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after
the snake, we

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can,
the door suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.

HEALY
(startled)
Oh Mary. Look, there's something I
have to tell you. I'm not...

Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths
meet in a passionate KISS.

DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING

-- As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren
and a few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying
a little too hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm
shiver to his defender and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-
ARM. When Healy gets into the end zone he spikes the ball
and starts talking trash to another defender.

-- Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile
and she reacts uncertainly.

-- Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing
for a night on the town.

MARY
All set.

HEALY
You look great.
(beat)
Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the
back of these pants?

When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets
fly a THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed,
but Healy just LAUGHS.

-- Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in
a romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story
but he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of
food are spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has
to BOB AND WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.

-- Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk.
In the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a
palm tree.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.

TED
Fuck me.
(sighs)
Let's go home.

DOM
No! You've gone through way too much
to back down now. Get over there and
do something -- I can't stand watching
this.

BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and
Mary has to break it off.

MARY
Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?

Healy LAUGHS.

HEALY
How's my stomach taste, she says.
(shakes head)
Hey thanks for picking up the lunch
tab, Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet.
I feel like a dog.

MARY
Forget it. It was... fun.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted recognizes Warren.

TED
Holy shit, there's Warren.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN

Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.

WARREN
Franks and beans!

ON TED AND DOM

TED
Jesus, I think her brother spotted
me.

They both duck down in their seats.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY AND WARREN

WARREN
Beans and franks.

MARY
Give it a rest, War. You just ate.

HEALY
Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a
big appetite.
(to Warren)
Am I right?

Healy winks at Mary.

WARREN
Huh?

Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.

HEALY
I said you've got a big app --

Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.

HEALY
Urrggghh...

MARY
Warren!

ON TED AND DOM -- as they flinch.

DOM
Attaboy!

BACK ON MARY et al -- Healy holds his throat, clearly in
pain.

MARY
Are you okay?

HEALY
(raspy, to Mary)
Not to worry. So... see you tonight,
right? Right?

MARY
(cornered)
Sure.

Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car
and drives off.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted stares gazily.

DOM
Well? What are you waiting for?

TED
I don't know what to say.

DOM
Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow
the schmuck out of the water.

TED
Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho
on her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
(stares at Mary)
She's even more beautiful than I
remember.

THEIR POV -- Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.

DOM
Get over there, you pussy! She's
leaving!

Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns
around and sees Ted.

TED
You asshole, what are you --
(CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
Mary! Is that you?

MARY
(squinting)
Who's that?

Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward
Mary.

TED
It is you! It's me... Ted. From Rhode
Island Ted.

Finally she recognizes him.

MARY
Oh my God... Ted.
(big smile)
What are you...? I can't believe
this. I haven't seen you since --

TED
Yup, that's right. Junior prom...
kinda.

MARY
And did everything -- ?

TED
Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible
scars.

Mary LAUGHS.

TED
How are you doing, Warren?

WARREN
Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?

TED
I'm gonna take a rain check.

Mary is stunned.

MARY
I can't believe he remembered you.
He never remembers anybody.
(beat)
You know I tried to call you for
weeks after that.

TED
Really? I never got a message.

MARY
That's weird. I talked to your brother
Jimmy five or six times.

Ted is devastated to hear this.

MARY
By the way, how's he doing?

TED
He's dead.

MARY
(taken aback)
Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.

TED
(bitter)
No, it was a good thing.
(off her look)
I mean, good in that it was very
quick.

Ted pantomimes an explosion.

MARY
Oh. So... what brings you down here?

TED
Funny story. You see, me and a buddy
of mine decided to... ah... you
know... just... drive down.

She stares at him.

MARY
Well you look great. Are you married,
do you have kids?

TED
Nope, nope -- dodged a few bullets.
(smiles)
God, I cannot believe I'm standing
here with Mary Jenson.

MARY
Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.

TED
(taken aback)
Oh... are you... ?

MARY
Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
(off his look)
There was this guy back in college
who was bothering me... got kind of
ugly -- a restraining order, the
whole bit. Anyway, when I got out of
Princeton I changed my name as a
precaution.

TED
Jeez... that sounds awful. Hey, what
do you say we go out to dinner
tonight, catch up on old times?

Beat.

MARY
Didn't we just do that?

Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.

MARY
I'm kidding. I'd really love to,
Ted, but the thing is I already have
plans. How about tomorrow night?

TED
Mary, we haven't seen each other in
twelve years.
(beat)
Don't make me wait another day.

Mary seems touched by this.

MARY
Tell me where you're staying. I'll
pick you up at eight.

Ted finally smiles and we

CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT

A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment,
absently listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he
reads the newspaper.

MAGDA (V.O.)
I'm buying bananas tonight.

MARY (V.O.)
Why?

MAGDA (V.O.)
Back when I was your age I always
used to make myself a big banana
split after sex. I think you're gonna
need one tonight.

MARY (V.O.)
Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
probably need it before I will.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on
the couch.

MAGDA
Don't bet on it. Last time I had a
pap smear the guy needed leather
gloves and an oyster shucker.

MARY
So maybe I could find a nice gentleman
to take you to the movies.

MAGDA
Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause
you're in love doesn't mean everyone
else has to be.

MARY
Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it
love.

MAGDA
Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like
this since you broke ninety on the
Blue Monster.

BACK ON HEALY -- he's reveling in it all.

MARY (V.O. )
Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into
a guy today I hadn't seen since high
school.

Healy loses the smile and sits up.

MAGDA (V.O.)
An old flame?

MARY (V.O.)
Kind of. Ted Peloquin -- one of the
sweetest guys in the world.

Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.

ON MARY

MARY
He was so shy and clumsy... I had a
major crush on him.

BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof.
He grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on
it.

HEALY
No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MARY
We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
reminds me, I've got to call what's-
his-face and cancel.

ON MARY

MAGDA
Do I sense a chill in the air?

Mary sits down.

MARY
Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the
way of my love life. I always pick
guys on what I feel in here.
(pats heart)
But with this Pat guy my head kept
saying "Grow up, Mary. You have a
lot in common with this one, you'll
grow to feel something for him." But
it never happened.

ON HEALY -- he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his
cellular phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR
RINGS.

Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.

HEALY
(jovial voice)
Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed
ya, but I'm out rustling up some
champagne and roses in preparation
for the greatest birthday of my life.
Hope you and yours are having a good
day, too.

Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.

ON MARY -- she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.

MARY
Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted
to say I'm... looking forward to
tonight.

She hangs up.

MAGDA
You vicious bitch, how do you sleep
at night?

MARY
I can't do it -- I just found out
it's his birthday.
(sighs)
I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.

ON HEALY -- he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun.
Then he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE.
But then he hears something that concerns him -- a KNOCK on
the door and the dog YAPPING.

ON MARY -- she puts down the phone and answers the door.
It's Tucker, the architect.

MARY
(surprised)
Tucker... come on in.

BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional
roller coaster heading downhill.

MAGDA (V.O.)
Well look who's here.

BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT -- Tucker is carrying an unopened
BOTTLE OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off
his ankles.

TUCKER
There she is -- I brought you a little
thirst-quencher, Mag.

MAGDA
Oh, you are sweet.

TUCKER
No, I'm not. I just want to get you-
drunk so you'll pass out and I can
have my way with Mary.

Everyone LAUGHS.

MARY
Can I pour you one?

TUCKER
Thanks, but I've got to be going.
Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a
social visit.

Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.

MARY
What's up?

TUCKER
Well... I've got a little more news
about your friend Healy.

Mary seems relieved.

MARY
I know what you're going to say, but
he already told me everything. I
know he's not an architect.

Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.

TUCKER
I think you'd better sit down.

MARY
Tucker, I appreciate you doing all
this, but I'm really strapped for
time here and --

TUCKER
Mary, the man's a killer.

ON HEALY -- he can't believe his ears.

BACK ON MARY -- as she lowers herself onto the couch.

MARY
(stunned)
What...?

TUCKER
I've got a friend in the Boston police
department. He faxed me this this
morning. I'll just give you the
highlights.
(reading from rap
sheet)
After a short stint as a petty thief,
Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed
robbery by the age of fourteen. At
sixteen he committed his first murder --
a pretty teacher's aid named Molly
Pettygrove. He was incarcerated until
age twenty-two when, despite a grim
psychological profile, the state was
forced to release him. In his mid-
twenties and again in his early
thirties he was suspected of homicides
in the states of Utah and Washington.
Unfortunately, the bodies were so
badly decomposed that there wasn't
enough evidence to hold him, and on
and on and so forth and so on.

Mary looks like she's going to throw up.

ON HEALY -- he listens intently, his face ashen.

MARY (V.O.)
Holy shit...

MAGDA (V.O.)
Puffy, get over here.

We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor,
then a LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.

ON MARY

MARY
Magda!

MAGDA
The little shit lied to me about
that guy!

Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.

MARY
(growing emotional)
I can't believe this is happening.
I'm supposed to be meeting him in an
hour.

TUCKER
Okay, just calm down. It's going to
be okay.

Tucker puts his arms around her.

MAGDA
Why you two never hooked up is beyond
me.

Mary looks fondly at Tucker.

MARY
Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have
you in my life.

TUCKER
Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll
give me a big head.
(smiles)
The important thing, Doctor, is you've
got to distance yourself as much as
possible without pissing this psycho
off.

MARY
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know
what to do. I'll call him right now.

BACK ON HEALY -- he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS.
He stares at it, then picks it up.

HEALY
Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
roses... and I'm really happy. Leave
a message. BEEP.

MARY (V.O.)
(nervous)
Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed.
You're not going to believe this --
well, you'll believe it, there's no
reason not to -- but I just got beeped
for emergency surgery. Well, um,
sorry, but I'm going to have to bail
on you.

As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks
off down the sidewalk.

ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET -- on Healy, his steely gaze fixed
on Tucker.

HEALY
(under breath)
You're gonna pay, fucker.

Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his
car.

BACK ON TUCKER -- He continues down the sidewalk, looking
back once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then
stops next to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously
again. Then Tucker DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES
OFF. Healy pulls into traffic and follows.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.

TED
Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't
know if I'm ready for this, man.

DOM
Just relax. Have you hit the cash
machine?

TED
(pats his back pocket)
Got cash.

DOM
Car clean? Plenty of gas?

TED
Check.

DOM
Mints?

TED
Copped a tin of Altoids at the car
wash.

Dom nods, satisfied.

DOM
Okay, sounds like you're all set.
Just clean the pipes and it's a go.

TED
Hm?

DOM
You know, clean the pipes.

TED
Pipes? What are you talking about?

DOM
You jerk off before all big dates,
right? Tell me you jerk off before
your big dates.

Ted just stares at him.

DOM
(incredulous)
You don't jerk off before -- ?! Are
you crazy?! That's like going out
there with a loaded gun. No wonder
you're nervous!

Ted considers this.

DOM
Think about it: After you've had sex
with a girl and the two of you are
laying in bed, are you nervous?

TED
No.

Dom shrugs... Duh.

DOM
Why's that?

TED
I'm usually too tired to be.

Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.

DOM
Wrong. It's because you ain't got
the baby batter in your brain any
more. That'll fuck with your head,
that stuff will.

TED
(starting to believe)
Huh.

DOM
The most honest moment in a man's
life is the five minutes after he's
blown a load. That's a medical fact.
And it's because you're no longer
trying to get laid. You're actually
thinking like a girl. They love that.

TED
Jesus Christ you're right.

DOM
You bet your ass I'm right. You don't
go out with a loaded gun, you empty
the barrels!

TED
(shakes his head)
Holy shit, I've been going out with
a loaded gun!

DOM
People get hurt that way.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - EVENING

Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and
Mary gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as
she walks past him.

INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME

Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the
bra ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side
view.) We see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several
frantic strokes, he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly
EXHALES, clearly having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.

He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes
to clean up.

But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks
his hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances
at the ceiling, with no luck.

The Load IS MISSING!!!!

That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more
HORRIFIED.

As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky
reconnaissance of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted
reluctantly goes to answer it.

INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as
lovely as ever.

TED
Hey.

MARY
Hi, Ted.

TED
You look great.

MARY
Thanks.

She notices something.

MARY
What's that?

TED
Hm?

MARY
On your ear, you've got something.

MARY'S POV -- a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe
like a drop earring.

MARY
It looks like a gob of...

Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.

MARY
(making face)
Is that.... hair gel?

Beat.

TED
Sure.

MARY
Oh great, I ran out.

Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and
WIPES IT IN HER BANGS.

CUT TO:

EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker
stops in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out
carrying a pizza and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.

Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON
HIM.

HEALY
You motherfucker, you're a dead man!

Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.

TUCKER
(cowering)
Okay, Pat, take it easy -- don't do
anything stupid.

HEALY
Who the fuck do you think you are
making up that bullshit about me?!

Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.

TUCKER
Whoa, whoa -- I don't know what you're
talking about.

HEALY
Maybe this'll jog your memory.

Healy SLAPS him across the face.

HEALY
I'll give you a hint -- it's got
something to do with me being a
murderer.

Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.

TUCKER
Okay, okay, I might've gotten some
bad information.

Healy grabs him by the collar.

HEALY
That stalker Ted got to you, right?
You're working for him, aren't you,
you little shit?

TUCKER
Who?

Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport
coat.

HEALY
This is your last chance, you fuck.
Now either you come clean or I'm
going to kick your ass from here to
Tallahassee.

Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.

TUCKER
I LOVE HER, OKAY?!

Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at
him.

HEALY
You what?

TUCKER
You heard me, goddamnit. I... I love
her.

Healy slowly lets go.

TUCKER
I'm a phony -- just like you, man.

HEALY
What do you mean?

TUCKER
I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
architect. Don't be a putz -- who's
been to Santiago twice in a year?
(scoffing)
Estadio Olimpico -- please!

HEALY
But... but you knew people at Harvard.

TUCKER
I knew shit. The only thing I knew
was that you were a fake and I made
up everything else.
(sighs)
My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.

HEALY
Bullshit!

Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE,
with him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy
let's this sink in, we

CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a
sip, nods his approval.

TED
Thanks, that's great.

The WAITER turns to Mary.

WAITER
Madame?

ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE
WAVE up front.

MARY
Thank you.

The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.

TED
Now by killer, you mean...?

MARY
I mean he murdered someone and did
time back in Boston. The guy's a
freak.

TED
(stunned)
Jeez, Mary... I'm...

MARY
Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank
God I have friends like Tucker.
(beat)
Look, I'm sick of talking about
stalkers.
(big smile)
Let's talk about you.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT

Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.

TUCKER
...So then in '94 I went back to
Dade Community College for a semester
and when the Wal-Mart cashier job
fell through I hooked up with the
Pizza Barn.

HEALY
And you met Mary how?

TUCKER
Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to
her one night and she answered the
door in her nightgown -- that was it
for me. I went home that night, shaved
my beard, and a week later I was
laid out in her office with a broken
back.

HEALY
How'd you manage that one?

TUCKER
(matter-of-factly)
Friend. Baseball bat.

HEALY
Nice.

TUCKER
Oh yeah, the plan was going along
just fine until you showed up.

HEALY
Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who
started telling bald-faced lies about
the competition -- that's crossing
the line!

TUCKER
What line? The day you first laid
your oily rap on my future wife you
started a war!

HEALY
Future wife? Get real, man -- you're
nothing more than a glorified brother
in her eyes.

TUCKER
Why you son of a --

Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.

HEALY
Okay, calm down, calm down -- the
bottom line is neither of us are
going to get her if we don't do
something about that headcase she's
with now.

As Tucker slowly releases him, we

CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.

MARY
You hit the ball pretty good for a
fourteen.

TED
(shrugging)
No short game.

She smiles.

MARY
We should play some time... I mean,
if you can afford to lose some money.

TED
(smiling)
What are you?

MARY
Twenty-two.

TED
Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry
a one-iron -- don't sandbag me, lady.

Mary smiles coyly.

MARY
Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.

TED
That's more like it.
(to Counter-Man)
Two more nitrate-sicles please.

COUNTER-MAN
You got it.

Mary is amused by this.

MARY
Nitrate-sicles -- I like that.

TED
I say they should put more meats on
a stick, you know? They got a lot of
sweets on sticks -- popsicles,
fudgesicles, lollipops -- but hardly
any meat.

MARY
I agree there should be more.

The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.

TED
You know what I'd like to see? Meat
in a cone. You could put corned beef
hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

MARY
I like it. And think of the toppings --
cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly

TED
Not to mention ketchup and hot
peppers.

They smile at one another.

MARY
It's too bad you don't live down
here, Ted.

TED
(pleased)
Yeah?

MARY
We've got a lot in common.

Ted takes a chance.

TED
Well... why don't you move back?

MARY
Ah, my roots here are too deep. I
love my practice, the people I work
with, Warren's got a nice thing going
(joking)
Why don't you just move down here
and marry me?

Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS... perhaps a little too hard.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.

MARY
So you're a writer?

TED
Trying to be.

MARY
Well good for you. I bet it works
out for you.

TED
We'll see. If it doesn't, what the
hell, at least I gave it a shot.

MARY
That's right. And the good thing is
you can do it anywhere.

TED
What about you, Mare? How the hell'd
you manage to stay single?

MARY
I don't know... My friends think I'm
too picky. I think I'm just a weirdo
magnet. I did come close once --
just last year, in fact. There was
this guy he lived in San Francisco.

ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker
SPYING ON THEM from the shadows.

TUCKER
(WHISPERING)
That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!

HEALY
Fucking sickening.

Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT

Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR
WINDOW.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch
with a watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her
feet.

Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on
the rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat.
He sniffs it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands
beside him and he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME

Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.

HEALY
How many is that?

TUCKER
Four.

HEALY
That seems like a lot of speed for a
little pooch -- you sure it won't
kill him?

TUCKER
I never said that.

As Tucker throws another...

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up.
Magda looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE
DRINK!

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME

Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little
reflective.

MARY
...and then it was all over.
(SIGHS)
We haven't spoken since.

TED
(sincere)
Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost
perfect.

MARY
Yeah... almost.
(beat)
You want to come up and watch
Sportscenter?

TED
Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out
while I'm ahead.

Mary looks a little disappointed.

MARY
Ted... you're not that far ahead.

TED
Look, Mary, the truth is... I'll be
in town for a while now but I don't
think we should see each other for a
few weeks.

MARY
(alarmed)
Why not?

TED
Well... to be honest... I'm really
crazy about you and it's making me
nervous and when I get nervous I'm
not myself and I'm afraid I'm going
to doing something really dumb before
we get started so I think I should
just lay back until I regain my
composure.

Mary sort of smiles.

MARY
That's really sweet, Ted, but you
should save it for one of your books.

TED
All right, let's go.

Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH
with one hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.

Mary doesn't know what to make of it.

MARY
Magda, what are you doing?

Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled
with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.

MAGDA
Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.

MARY
Where's Puffy?

MAGDA
Ah, he was being a pest so I put him
in the bathroom.

As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP
THE TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.

MARY
(to Ted, concerned)
Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda --
would you let the dog out of the
bathroom.

TED
Yeah, sure.

Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING
SOUND until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is
MUCH LOUDER now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM
HESITATE.

TED'S POV - the bottom part of the door is being DENTED
OUTWARD from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.

TED
(CALLING out)
Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?

MARY (O.S.)
(CALLING out)
Toy poodle!

Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.

BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's
jugular!

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up
dog ON HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the
floor, and fights for his life.

Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor.
Ted tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF
OF HIS PANTS.

DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into
the room.

Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.

MAGDA
Stop it, you're hurting him!

TED
(out of breath)
Tell him... to calm down.

Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops
him.

Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.

They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted
SMACKS HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start
and LEAPS AT TED'S NECK.

Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY

MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE

-- Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE.
Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.

Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a sissy.
Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren decides to go for
it and Ted follows.

-- At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge
pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks
around... no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives underwater
and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a GASPING Warren.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

-- Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of his
mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass a
shop Warren points to the window excitedly.

THEIR POV

In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-Hero
outfit, i.e. a generic superman.

Warren then pulls Ted into the store.

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in the
Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and a few
steps later Warren excitedly points to another shop window.

THEIR POV

In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy outfit,
i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps, vest, boots,
spurs, etc.)

Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She turns
and reacts amused.

HER POV

Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a humiliated
Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting Super-hero outfit.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

-- Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER
where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda and
Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's company. Ted
is on top of the world, feeling good, looking good-right up
until he gets the HOOK IN HIS MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED
OUT OF FRAME.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

-- Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN
has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE HOOK.
Mary looks on, concerned.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY

-- Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each HOLDING A
COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A BODYCAST. Ted
PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts putting the groceries in
the back seat.

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

-- Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. As Ted
gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that PUFFY IS
STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY before Mary notices.

EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY

-- Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE while
Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into the cage,
SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE, and MOVES WARREN
A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.

-- A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him,
Mary comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND
COMPLETELY CLOSED.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF
FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting
on the couch.

TED
(chipper)
Hey.

Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.

TED
The flowers are for you and the ball's
for Warren. I had a friend of mine
Fedex it to me -- it's signed by
Tony Conigliaro.

Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.

MARY
Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me
around?

Ted tries to hide his horror.

TED
(lamely)
What do you mean?

Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to
him.

Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.

MARY
It's not true... right, Ted?

Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.

TED
Well, funny story there. You see,
uh, it started out as a uh... yeah...
it's true.

Mary stands up.

MARY
Get out.

TED
Wait, hold on, Mary -- it's not as
bad as it sounds. I certainly didn't
know --

MARY
That you put a murderer on my trail?

TED
Well yeah, I didn't know much about
him. I just thought --

MARY
What did you think, Ted? That you
could spy on me and trick me into
thinking you were someone I could...
really go for?

Mary starts to get emotional.

TED
Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to
trick you.

MARY
Then what the fuck did you do it
for?

TED
I did it because because I'd never
stopped thinking about you and if I
didn't find you I knew my life would
never be good again.

Mary looks away.

MARY
(softly)
Please leave.

TED
(devastated)
Mary, come on...

MARY
Go!

TED
(beat)
Okay.

And so Ted does.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back
and forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems
to grow angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds
a SLIP OF PAPER.

TED'S POV -- the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address -- 229
Court Street, apt. 43.'

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to
apartment 43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He
tries the handle and THE DOOR OPENS.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY.
DOG SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers
across the carpet.

TED
Hello...?

No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he
ducks behind the door.

Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks
when they see the MESS.

HEALY
Ho-ly shit.

TUCKER
Hey, this is a pretty nice place.

HEALY
Sully...! What the fuck happened
here?!

Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs
Healy by the collar.

HEALY
(alarmed)
Hey, hey, hey!

TED
Surprised?

TUCKER
Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash
now.

TED
(to Tucker)
Who the fuck are you?

HEALY
He's in love with Mary, too.

Ted releases Healy and glares at him.

TED
You fucked me, man? Why would you do
that?

HEALY
(righteous)
What do you mean 'why'?

TED
Answer the question, shitball.

TUCKER
I think everybody could use a drink.

Tucker goes into the kitchen.

HEALY
Look, you asked me to follow your
girl around, and I did and I started
to like her, and then I realized I
just couldn't in good conscience do
it.

TED
(amazed)
Do what?

HEALY
Turn her over to a stalker.

TED
What?! You're calling me a stalker?

HEALY
That's right -- if you weren't you
would've looked for her yourself!

Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa
slithering into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP
in his midsection.

HEALY
(sickened)
Oh Christ... poor dog.

TED
You're a sick man, you know that?

HEALY
Yeah well fuck you! You just can't
stand the fact that it was my turn.

TED
Your turn?

HEALY
(getting emotional)
That's right, hot shot! My turn.
What's the matter with me, huh? Why
can't I ever get the great girl?
Give the big pig with the B.O. to
Healy, right? Well I was sick of it,
man! No more -- it was my turn. It
was time for me... time for me... to
be happy.

This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits
down, runs his fingers through his hair.

TED
Well you didn't have to blow us both
out of the water. Jesus Christ, just
because she found out about you,
why'd you have to take me down with
you?

HEALY
I don't know what you're talking
about.

TED
I'm talking about the letter, asshole.

HEALY
What?

Ted stares at him.

TED
Are you telling me you didn't send
Mary a letter outlining our deal?

HEALY
Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be
screwing myself.

The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the
kitchen with a drink. They turn their attention to him.

HEALY
You little fuck.

TUCKER
What?

HEALY
You fucking prick, we had a deal --
you said you wouldn't fuck me and I
wouldn't fuck you until we had this
fuck out of the fucking picture.
(moves in on Tucker)
You crossed the line, man.

Tucker backs away nervously.

TUCKER
Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy
now. Why would I cross the line --
what do you think I got no pride?

Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.

TUCKER
I swear! I didn't tell her nothing!
You probably did it yourself, you
piece of shit.

HEALY
Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why
would I rat myself out?

TUCKER
Like I'm going to try to figure out
a guy who's idea of courting is
blowing farts in the chick's face

HEALY
You were following us?

TUCKER
Don't flatter yourself -- I was
following her, I always do. How the
hell you think I got rid of Mary's
boyfriend Steve?

This gets Ted's attention.

TED
You mean... Steve didn't say all
that stuff about Warren?

TUCKER
Are you shitting me -- Mr. Goody-Two-
Shoes? He was like a fucking eagle
scout. You two should be kissing my
balls -- if it wasn't for me, she
might've married that schmuck!

Ted thinks about this.

TED
The hell with you both -- I'm out of
here.

Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare
each other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of
the bedroom with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does
a double-take, then looks back at the snake.

HEALY
(sadly)
Oh... Sully.

TUCKER
Look, if it wasn't you who sent the
letter, and it wasn't me who sent
it?

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.

MARY
Woogie? What are what are you doing
here?

REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.

DOM
Did you get my letter, Mare? The one
about Ted?

MARY
You sent that?

DOM
Uh-huh. I was worried about you.

MARY
Well... thank you. But... you know
you're not supposed to be within
four hundred yards of me.

DOM
(excited)
That's what I want to tell ya. I've
been through two years of extensive
psychotherapy and you know what? You
were right -- I needed help.

MARY
(cautious)
That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're
better -- you seem... good --but...
you put me through quite an ordeal,
you know.

Dom nods aggressively.

MARY
I had to move, go to court, change
my last name -- you stole all my
shoes!

Dom stands up.

DOM
Look at me.

Mary turns her head.

DOM
Look at me, Mary. On my mother's
soul, on God above, on everything
that is holy to me, I did not steal
your shoes.

MARY
Woogie, I caught you red-handed.

DOM
All right, I did, but I was in a
weird place then.

He approaches her.

DOM
Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!

Mary backs into the living room.

CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY

Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO
THIS CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.

MARY (V.O.)
Woogie, please, you're starting to
scare me.

HEALY
Who the hell's Woogie?

Tucker just shrugs.

BACK ON MARY AND DOM.

MARY
I'm asking you to leave.

DOM
(gentle)
Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this
all wrong.
(beat)
I'm not leaving...

BACK IN HEALY'S CAR

DOM
...Not until I get a little something
to remember you by.

MARY (V.O.)
(clearly struggling)
Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!

Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE
BUILDING.

CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they
see.

THEIR POV -- Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his
arms and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him
back.

MARY
Stop it!

DOM
Just one pair! You owe me that much,
you heartless bitch!

Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.

HEALY
Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over
your friend Ted like that.

DOM
What? You fucked him over, too.

HEALY
He's no friend of mine.

Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-
eaten BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after
her, sporting a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.

MAGDA
What the hell's going on here?

At first no one knows what to say. Then:

HEALY
We're in love with your roommate.

MAGDA
Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna pack my bags and go back
to my own place.

Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.

MARY
Tucker, where are your crutches?

Tucker is stumped for a second, then:

TUCKER
(British accent)
Interesting query, Mary...

Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.

HEALY
Shut the fuck up and tell her the
truth.

Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.

TUCKER
Well isn't this nice -- now we've
got the whole gang together.

Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.

TED
Dom? What are you?

DOM
You stole her from me. Now I want
her back.

MARY
(rolling eyes)
Woogie and I went out for awhile in
high school.

TED
(stunned)
You're Woogie?

DOM
Dom Wooganowski. Duh.

TED
But but you're married. You have
kids a great wife.

DOM
If you're so happy with them, please,
be my guest.

HEALY
If I may, I have a proposal.

Everyone turns to Healy.

HEALY
I say none of us leave this room
until our young Mary here stops
jerking us around and decides once
and for all who she wants. Now Mary,
I know this is difficult but you
really will be doing them all a favor
to tell them the truth about us.

MARY
Are you crazy? Why would I pick you?
You're a murderer.

Healy glares at Tucker.

TUCKER
Uh, well... not exactly. You see, I
exaggerated a little there.

MARY
You mean he's not a criminal?

HEALY
God no!
(pleased)
I'm just a pathological liar!

Mary looks at Tucker, confused.

MARY
Tucker... not you, too?

Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.

TUCKER
Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano
with my folks.

MARY
Oh Jesus...

Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers
quarterback ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside
him. Everyone is stunned.

MARY
Brett...?

BRETT FAVRE
Hi, Mary.

HEALY
What the hell is Brett Favre doing
here?

BRETT FAVRE
We're in town to play the Dolphins.

TED
I called him. I told him to pick up
Warren and get over here.

Everyone turns their attention to Ted.

TED
Mary, I found out that your buddy
Tucker there lied to you about Brett.

Tucker lowers his head.

TED
Brett never said anything bad about
Warren. He loves Warren... and from
what he just told me on the phone,
he loves you, too.
(beat)
He's the guy you should be with.

BRETT FAVRE
That's right, Mare. And you know
I'll always be true to you.

DOM
Aw shit, this isn't fair.

Mary manages a smile.

TED
(to Mary)
I realized something tonight. I'm no
better than any of these guys. None
of them really love you... they just
fixated on you because of how you
made them feel. But that's not real
love... Thank you for letting me see
that. Now I can get on with the rest
of my life.

Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.

TUCKER
Oh please...

DOM
Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a
ploy.

HEALY
You are so full of shit, Strohman.
Are you going to stand here and tell
us that you aren't in love with this
girl?

Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.

TED
Yeah... that's what I'm telling you.
(winks)
See you, Mare.

Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.

TED
(as he passes Warren)
See you, Warren.

WARREN
Huh...?

Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.

TED
See you, Warren.

WARREN
Bye, Ted.

Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in
silence for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.

DOM
Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you
to autograph one of these pumps for
me?

CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running
down the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

MARY
Ted!

Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his
eyes, hopeful.

TED
What what are you doing here?

MARY
You forgot your keys!

She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.

TED
(deflated)
Oh. Thanks.

They remain across the street from one another.

MARY
Did you mean what you said back there,
Ted?

Ted starts to well up again.

MARY
Ted...?

TED
(looking down)
I... I just want you to be happy,
Mary.

MARY
But I think I'd be happiest... with
you.

Ted just stares at her.

TED
You're fucking with me, right?

Mary smiles.

TED
(wiping eyes)
But but what about Steve?

MARY
Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun --
the guy doesn't even drink beer or
gamble.

Now Ted smiles.

MARY
Get over here.

TED
Really?

MARY
Really.

The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a
BUS WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around
under the bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the
back end and TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.

Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to
gather.

MARY
Ted, no, no...!

She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.

Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps.
The crowd winces.

MARY
Somebody hold up traffic!
(beat)
Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're
going to be okay.

Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.

TED
Mary... Oh Mary, I love you.

Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.

MARY
I love you too, Ted.
(beat)
I think I always have.

As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:

LADY
Over here! I found his foot! It was
in the storm drain!

ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.

MARY
All right, everyone, let's fan out
and look for the penis!

As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and

FADE OUT:

THE END

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