"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 206

"The Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri Lanka"

Written by

Trey Parker, Matt Stone



INT. T.V. SET

A TITLE comes up; 'HUNTIN' and KILLIN' with Jimbo and Ned'.

NARRATOR
And now back to Huntin' and Killin'
with South Park's favorite hunters
Jimbo and Ned!

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH - DAY

JIMBO
I'm Jimbo Kern and this here is Ned.
Say hi, Ned.

NED
Hi, Ned.

JIMBO
HAAAAA!!! HAA-HAA!!! Now isn't that
great?!

Jimbo looks to the camera guy who gives Jimbo a 'thumbs up'
As Jimbo talks, titles come up "Pussy Law #4: No animal shall
be harmed even in self defense, unless specific license and
season is in order. Self defense can only be justified by
extreme provable peril and or documented visible bodily harm.

JIMBO
We have a terrific show for you today.
We're gonna kill some Elk and we're
gonna kill some Mountain Goats. Now,
the new law passed by Colorado
legislature, which Ned and I call
pussy law number FOUR -- states that
we can no longer kill animals in
defense. In other words, our old
line of 'It's coming right for us'

NED
It's coming right for us.

JIMBO
-- No longer works. So now, we only
kill animals to quote: "thin out
their numbers". If we don't hunt,
then these animals will grow too big
in number and they won't have enough
food. So you see? We have to kill
animals or else they'll die.

Jimbo and Ned have to just think about this one. The camera
guy scratches his head.

JIMBO
Uhh... So roll the tape.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - FOREST - DAY

We see a video image of Jimbo and Ned in full hunting gear.

JIMBO (V.O.)
Here we are up at Schaeffer's
Crossing, looking for some animals.

Now we cut in to the video taped Jimbo and Ned.

JIMBO
Lookie there, Ned! There's some
deers!!

A delicate grouping of five deer stand around eating grass.

JIMBO
Quick, Ned! THIN OUT THEIR NUMBERS!!!

NED
THIN OUT THEIR NUMBERS!

Ned takes out his flame thrower and barbecues all five of
them. Their little deer skeletons fall to the ground.

JIMBO
Good work, Ned! Now they won't starve!

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH

Back to the set. The boys are horrified.

JIMBO
That sure was a great hunting trip.
We saved those deer from extinction.

NED
We're environmentalists.

JIMBO
Coming up next, were going to drop
some napalm on an unsuspecting family
of beavers. And also try to thin out
the numbers of some endangered
species.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Mr. Garrison walks over to the chalkboard and writes 'Vietnam'
in big letters.

Cartman raises his hand.

CARTMAN
Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?

MR. GARRISON
What's Vietnam... A question a child
might ask, but not a childish
question...

Garrison laughs. Stan and Kyle look at each other, confused.

MR. GARRISON
Children, for the next few days we'll
be learning all about Vietnam. Chances
are that somebody in YOUR OWN LIVES
was affected by this incredible war.

MR. HAT
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The
Vietnam war was sticky and icky.

Kyle raises his hand.

KYLE
Mr. Garrison... Were YOU in Vietnam?

Garrison gets a very serious look. ZOOM IN to his head, and
the sounds of guns, screaming and helicopters echo in his
mind. This is all done with archive footage of Vietnam.

The kids all watch, perplexed.

Garrison is in a trance, as the screaming and helicopter
sounds get louder and louder.

VOICE
Who's next to take a shower? Ooo!
Me!!!

Suddenly, the sounds all come to a halt. Garrison snaps out
of his trance, smiling.

MR. GARRISON
(matter-of-fact)
No, I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes
I like to pretend I was.
(pause)
Anyway, children, I'm going to assign
you all a paper.

The kids all moan.

MR. GARRISON
I want you all to find somebody in
your own life who was in Vietnam,
and interview them about it.

CLYDE
What if we don't know anybody who
was in Vietnam?

MR. GARRISON
Then you get an F, fail the third
grade, and have to get a job cleaning
septic tanks to support your drug
habit.

CLYDE
Oh.

Stan turns to Kyle.

STAN
Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam!

KYLE
Hey, yeah. He and Ned do that stupid
TV show.

INT. T.V. SET

JIMBO
And now, time for Jimbo's mysteries
of the unexplained. One of our loyal
viewers from South Park sent us some
eight millimeter film of what HE
claims to be... The Mexican Staring
Frog of Southern Sri Lanka!

A video still picture of an artists' rendition of the frog.

JIMBO
Now as you all know, the Mexican
staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka
can supposedly kill you with one
horrid gaze. If a person even so
much as looks into the frogs eyes,
they can be paralyzed or even die!
And this film proves that the frog
may very well exist!

The film begins.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The camera shakes as if poorly hand-held. We see some trees.

JIMBO
Now watch carefully, you're going to
see the Mexican Staring Frog...

After a few more seconds, a very brief, very faint blur goes
through the corner of the screen.

JIMBO
THERE! THERE! DID YOU SEE IT?!?!

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH - DAY

JIMBO
ROLL THAT BACK AGAIN!!

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The same film, again we see the blur.

JIMBO
NOW FREEZE IT!!

It freezes into a bigger blur.

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH - DAY

JIMBO
Well, I'd like to know what all you
skeptics have to say NOW!! What do
you think Ned?

NED
I'm scared.

JIMBO
Well be sure to join us next time.
Until then...
(singing)
We're so glad you spent your time
with us, while we slaughtered our
way through nature's guts, come again
and stay a while, we'll kill a lot
more living things and make them
bleed.

NED
Good night!

The show ends.

CAMERAGUY
And we're... CUT! Great show guys.

Ned and Jimbo get up from their chairs and stretch.

JIMBO
Oh, lookie who's here! My little
nephew Stanly!

The boys walk over.

JIMBO
So, you're interested in your Uncle
Jimbo's big T.V. show, huh?

STAN
No. We have to do a stupid report on
Vietnam. You and Ned are the only
guys we know who were there.

JIMBO
Oh. Yeah, we sure were.

CARTMAN
Was it fun?

KYLE
Cartman! What kind of stupid ass
question is that?! Of course it was
fun!

JIMBO
Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not
like going to the circus fun. Or
flyfishing in Montana fun. No, Vietnam
was more like shoving shards of broken
glass up your ass and then sitting
in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.

STAN
Woa.

JIMBO
Yepper, that's where me and Ned
met....

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. VIETNAM CAMP - THIRTY YEARS AGO

PAN ACROSS a very cliché Vietnam scene. 60's music plays in
the background, as helicopters and troops walk around. It is
a scene reminiscent of Platoon. Except that as the PAN
continues, we see that there is also a merry-go-round, a
beautiful garden with flowers, and a jolly log ride.

JIMBO (V.O.)
I remember I had just gotten off the
Ferris wheel...

A younger Jimbo walks off a big colorful Ferris Wheel in the
middle of Camp.

JIMBO
Oh boy! What a gorgeous day!

A bird flies down and lands on Jimbo's shoulder. It whistles
a merry tune.

Jimbo whistles in return. (Like Snow White).

SARGEANT
KERNS! Get over here!

Jimbo walks over to a grouping of privates.

SARGEANT
The new privates are here. I'm
assigning one of them to you as a
trainee. NED Gerblanksi!

The privates part, and Ned steps out. He looks a little
different, he still has his arm and his beautiful voice.

NED
Ned Gerblanksi reporting, sir.

SARGEANT
Thanks Ned. The bad guys have been
spotted about ten clicks north of
here. I know that you and Kern are
best suited to take them out. Are
you up for it?

JIMBO AND NED
Sir yes SIR!

INT. HELICOPTER - VIETNAM

Ned and Jimbo are up in a helicopter.

JIMBO (V.O.)
Soon, it was all on just me and Ned
to win the war for America.

Jimbo is piloting.

JIMBO
Pass me some more cocoa, will you
Ned?

NED
Certainly. And would you like another
muffin as well?

JIMBO
Why the hell not, we're at war.

Ned lights up yet another cigarette.

JIMBO
Hey you know those things are bad
for your throat.

NED
No, that's all lies. I'll be fine.
CHARLIES AT TWO O' CLOCK!!

Down on the ground, THOUSANDS of Vietnamese scurry like ants.

JIMBO
I see 'em! Drop the bomb!

NED
THE BOMB'S NOT RELEASING!!

JIMBO
Oh no!

NED
It won't budge!!

JIMBO
Then we have only one option...

Jimbo points the chopper downward and zooms towards the
ground.

NED
What are you doing, man?

JIMBO
We have to take 'em out Ned! At all
costs!! Die you red commie bastards!!!

The chopper hurls towards the Vietnamese. Ned grabs Jimbo's
hand as death flies towards them. CRASH!!! The chopper slams
into a bunch of Vietnamese Soldiers.

Jimbo and Ned jump out from the wreckage, shooting in all
directions. Vietnamese die all over the place. Finally, Ned
is out of bullets. He pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin and
BAM!! It takes Ned's arm right off.

NED
YAAGHGH!!!

Jimbo empties his gun.

JIMBO
Oh, no! Out of ammo!

He draws a large elegant sword, then spots a mighty white
stallion.

Ned, meanwhile, uses martial arts expertly to fend off his
Vietnamese attackers. Jimbo jumps onto the white steed and
starts chopping up victims with his sword. Ned is like Chuck
Norris.

Finally, all the Vietnamese lie dead.

JIMBO
WE DID IT, NED! WE KILLED THE ENTIRE
VIETCONG ARMY!

Ned looks over the horizon, where he see thousands of dead
bodies.

NED
Whoopee!

Ned lights a smoke.

JIMBO
Let's get back to base camp! We can
ride the log ride before it closes!

Ned jumps on the back of the horse and the two ride off into
the sunset.

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH

JIMBO
And that's the way it happened, boys.

STAN
Wow!

CARTMAN
Man, Vietnam was sweet!

PRODUCER
Great news guys! Your TV show ratings
have doubled!

JIMBO
WOW!

PRODUCER
They've gone from SIX people to
TWELVE!

JIMBO
Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!

EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCESS - DAY

People are getting ready to shoot on the Jesus and Pals set.

PRODUCER
We've got to do it, J. Your ratings
are being killed by the Jimbo and
Ned Hunting Show.

JESUS
But I don't really care about that.

PRODUCER
Well you BETTER care, Mr. Smarty
Pants. No ratings means no show. If
you want to keep reaching out to
people, you have to keep up with the
times.

JESUS
Oh, all right...

AD
Alright, we're 10 seconds to air
guys --

PRODUCER
Remember: big, Big, BIG!!!!

She runs off leaving Jesus looking pretty uncomfortable on
stage.

AD
AND 5...4...3...

A BAND kicks in with some funky music and spotlights circle
the studio. SLICK GRAPHICS spin into frame with a big WHOOSH!

ANNOUNCER
It's your hour of power on mid-day
mountain cable access. Put your hands
together and welcome, the ONLY man
in town who always has a FULLY stocked
wine cellar.... JESUS CHRIST!

The band ends with flourish. Fireworks go off behind the
set. Jesus looks around a little confused.

JESUS
Uh... hi.

The producer motions to Jesus to keep it going.

JESUS
Uh... yeah, okay --

Jesus reads straight from his note cards.

JESUS
-- Beginning today, we're taking the
show in a new direction. We've got
some VERY interesting people coming
on the show this week for YOU, our
viewers. Today's guest is TV's
Gilligan... MR. BOB DENVER!

A Tonight Show like entrance for happy jolly little Bob
Denver. They sit down.

ANNOUNCER
Here's Bob Denver.

JESUS
Hi Bob Denver.

BOB DENVER
Hi Jesus! Great to be here!

An awkward silence. LONG silence.

JESUS
So Bob... So you just get in town?

BOB DENVER
Yes. Just got in.

Another awkward silence.

JESUS
So... So what've you been up to?

BOB DENVER
Nothing. Nothing really at all.

Yet another long beat. The Producer makes a gesture and the
band starts playing 'Nothing from Nothing'. Jesus looks
around.

JESUS
Oh boy.

INT. CLASSROOM.

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are up in front of the class.
Stan reads from notecards.

STAN
...and after killing the entire
Vietcong army, they returned to base
camp. Once there, they rode the
Devil's drop roller coaster and ate
Cotton Candy. And ultimately, Ned
got the purple heart for his
courageous defense of the log ride.

Garrison rolls his eyes.

STAN
So was the horror of Vietnam. The
end.

BOYS
The end.

KYLE
Are there any questions?

Garrison raises his hand.

KYLE
Yes Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON
Yes, where in the fuck did you hear
this ridiculous load of bullshit?

STAN
From Vietnam veterans.

MR. GARRISON
Well boys, its obvious to me that
you didn't do your work, and then
you stayed up all night making up
some ridiculous lie.

STAN
No, no we didn't.

MR. GARRISON
You all receive an F. MINUS.

KYLE
F minus? Can he do that?

STAN
(shocked)
But we're not making it up...

MR. GARRISON
Stanly, the Vietnam war was a WAR!
There weren't galloping steeds or
singing birds or log rides.

KYLE
How do you know? You weren't even
there.

MR. GARRISON
Well that's it! All of you have
detention for the rest of the week.

BOYS
AWW!!

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK.

ACT II

INT. CAFETERIA - AFTER SCHOOL

Mr. Mackey sits at the front of the room with a big sign
that says "DETENTION: QUIET!!!!!" The boys sit with their
hands crossed and talk in a whisper.

MR. MACKEY
Welcome to detention, Mkay? Mr.
Garrison told me about your little
joke. It is important for you to
know WHY you are in detention for
you to obtain the full benefits from
it. You are here because you are
inferior, okay? You are here because
you are awkward, okay?...

Mr. Mackey continues.

CARTMAN
Well Stan, thanks a lot for having
such a cool uncle that got us all
detention for a week.

KYLE
Yeah dude, your uncle Jimbo sucks
ass!

MACKEY
Ssshh, okay?!

Mackey shushes the boys. They wait a beat.

STAN
Why would he just invent a story
instead of just telling us the truth?

CARTMAN
Well, let's see maybe 'cuz he's an
old drunk hillbilly dick!

MACKEY
SSSSHH, okay?!

KYLE
We got to get him back dude.

CARTMAN
Totally.

STAN
How?

KYLE
Well, he screwed us by making
something up... I say we do the same
thing.

STAN
Well, what do you mean?

KYLE
Did you ever see that one Brady Bunch
where the guy...

CARTMAN
Oh yeah sweet, sweet!

The boys all lean in to hear Kyle's whispering.

ACT II

ANGLE - TELEVISION

ANNOUNCER
And now back to 'Huntin' and Killin''
with South Park's favorite hunters --
Jimbo and Ned!

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH

Jimbo and Ned are on camera again.

JIMBO
Welcome hunters! Boy have we got a
show for you today! We have just
received a tape from ANOTHER viewer
who filmed the Mexican Staring Frog
of Southern Sri Lanka RIGHT HERE IN
SOUTH PARK!!

NED
Agh!

JIMBO
Yes, now we're about to roll the
film, but remember, if you look the
Mexican Staring Frog in the eyes,
you can go catatonic. We don't know
if this applies to PICTURES of the
frog or not, but who wants to take
chances? So when we roll this film,
be sure to look away.

Jimbo and Ned cover their eyes and look away from the video
screen.

JIMBO
Okay, roll the film, Tom!

FOOTAGE of an obviously fake little frog sitting on a front
porch. It just sits there. For a long time. It doesn't move.

Jimbo and Ned keep their eyes off of it. The camera guy looks
away as well.

JIMBO
Is it over?

Jimbo sneaks a look at the screen just as the image
disappears.

JIMBO
Okay, it's over.

Everyone goes back to normal.

JIMBO
Well, there you have it. Undeniable
PROOF that the Mexican Staring Frog
of Southern Sri Lanka exists!!!! And
you saw it HERE on the Jimbo and Ned
show!

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

The boys are all on the couch watching the show.

KYLE
Dude! I can't believe they fell for
it!

STAN
Yeah what a couple of dumbasses!

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm!

The boys all laugh.

STAN
Yeah!

KYLE
Come on, we gotta go make another
one!

The boys all head out the door.

CARTMAN
Lying kicks ass!

INT. JESUS AND PALS SET

The crew is down during a commercial break.

PRODUCER
Jesus!

JESUS
Yeah?

Jesus is getting his face powdered.

PRODUCER
We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned
show made up some ridiculous staring
frog story and jumped another two
points in the ratings!

JESUS
Oh, oh. So what are we supposed to
do?

PRODUCER
I don't know. We'll have to continue
with the changes we've made, and
then go even further...

CAMERAGUY
And we're back in FIVE, FOUR, THREE...

PRODUCER
Remember, BIG BIG BIG!!!

Riki lake music starts as the Jesus and Pals logo glides
past the frame.

Jesus is in the audience a la Riki.

JESUS
If you're just joining us, we've
been listening to Michelle's
incredible story of survival. Go on,
Michelle.

WOMAN GUEST
(in tears)
Well, as I was saying, I tried and
tried but the overturned car just
wouldn't budge. My husband was trapped
for twelve hours.

JESUS
And yet somehow he managed to survive.

WOMAN GUEST
That's right. He's a very brave man
and I love him very much.

The man guest smiles at the woman. His head is flat like a
pancake and his arm sticks out of his back.

MAN GUEST
I mov oo too.

JESUS
Well, let's see if the audience has
any questions.
(beat)
Yes, you over there --

Jesus trots over to a large ugly woman.

WOMAN
I think she needs to kick him to the
curb, baby!

Jesus looks confused.

JESUS
Kick WHO to the curb?

WOMAN
Her no good husband!! She's gotta
lose that zero and get herself a
hero!!!

The crowd goes wild.

JESUS
But --

Another woman stands up next to her.

WOMAN 2
He wants to have his cake and eat it
too! He's gotta dump that trash,
girlfriend! It's all about respect!
You gotta have respect for yourSELF!

The woman guest looks extremely confused.

JESUS
Uh... I think we've somewhat missed
the point here, let's go to somebody
else...

Jesus goes to another audience member.

JESUS
Yes, your comments?

BLACK MAN
Montel, I think we're forgetting
something very important in all of
this. Okay, sure he touched some
children, but the man is a great
singer and he has entertained us for
so many years.

JESUS
What are you talking about?

BLACK MAN
Michael Jackson. All this bad mouthing
and putting the man down. Maybe he
did touch some children now and then,
but come on! It's Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson!

People applaud. Jesus pulls the mic away from the man.

JESUS
Uh... We'll be back right after these
messages...

EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - DAY

Kyle has a video camera.

STAN
Ready you guys?

KYLE AND CARTMAN
Ready!

STAN
Okay? ACTION!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - CAMERA - DAY

Through an unsteady videocamera, we see a blurry picture of
a small bush in the forest.

Suddenly, it starts to shake slightly. Then, a dark blur
appears at one side of the screen behind the bush. It hops a
couple of times. Cartman is holding a stupid little plastic
frog on a string by the end of a stick.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Rrrrrr. I am the deadly Mexican
Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka.
I am very scary and dangerous!

STAN (O.S.)
CUT!

EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - DAY

STAN
Cartman!

CARTMAN
What?!

STAN
It's supposed to be a frog!

CARTMAN
I know that!

STAN
Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?

CARTMAN
It's a Sri Lankan frog!

KYLE
Der, Cartman!

CARTMAN
Der yourself, hippie!

KYLE
JUST DO IT AGAIN, CARTMAN, AND DON'T
MAKE IT TALK!!

STAN
Ok, here we go. Ready?

KYLE
Are you ready, Cartman?

CARTMAN
I'm ready, Steven Spielberg!

STAN
Action!

Cartman sloppily bounces his little frog up and down.

CARTMAN
Rrrr... Screw you guys...

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

CARTMAN
Why do I have to dress up like the
old lady?!

Indeed, Cartman has a little gray wig and a dress on. Kyle
has a video camera.

KYLE
Cuz old lady's are fat and you are
too!

CARTMAN
Ech, Goddammit!

STAN
Come on Cartman, the way we're
shooting this, nobody will ever know
it's you.

CARTMAN
They better not!

STAN
Okay, when I yell action, you start
to walk this way, then Kenny's going
to pull the plastic frog in front of
you and you have to be scared --

CARTMAN
Scared? Of a plastic frog?

STAN
It's ACTING Cartman. You have to
pretend you're really scared then
the Mexican Staring Frog will look
you in the eyes, then you fall down
like you're dead, okay? Ready?

CARTMAN
Man this is stupid.

STAN
Good, and... ACTION!

EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S

JIMBO
Well, it appears as though a lot of
you SKEPTICS thought that the film
we showed of the Mexican Staring
Frog Of Southern Sri Lanka was a
FAKE. They say it didn't HARM
anybody... Well, it just so happens
that we just received ANOTHER film
from ANOTHER anonymous viewer! ROLL
IT!

The shitty little film that the boys made appears on the
screen. The stupid plastic frog bounces through frame. It
then cuts to Cartman, as the old lady who sees the frog, and
then passes out. Then we see Kenny moon the camera.

JIMBO
There you go! PROOF that not only is
this frog REAL, but it is doing harm
to people of South Park AS WE SPEAK!!

NED
Damn that frog.

JIMBO
Well that does it! All this week Ned
and I will be risking life and limb
as we go on location to HUNT THE
MEXICAN STARING FROG OF SOUTHERN SRI
LANKA! Join us won't you?

INT. JESUS AND PALS SET

Jesus' producer is watching the Jimbo and Ned on her monitors,
her head falls into her hands.

PRODUCER
Oh no, no, no! This is the biggest
publicity stunt I've ever seen. Damn
those hunters are clever!

JESUS
Uh... Clever?

PRODUCER
It's genius, it really is. Hell, I
even want to watch them hunt the
Mexican Staring Frog! Unless...

JESUS
Unless what?

PRODUCER
Unless we can prove to the world
that the whole thing is a sham. If
we prove that the Mexican Staring
Frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just
something made up by Jimbo and Ned,
we can have them taken off the air.
Perhaps even KILLED!

JESUS
Look, why don't we stick to our own
show. People will watch again.

PRODUCER
Oh J... You are so Omnipotent and
yet so naïve... We'll launch a full
investigation. And in the meantime
we can cash in on the video tapes.

JESUS
What video tapes?

INT. JESUS AND PALS SET

Jesus is sitting at his chair.

JESUS
Yea, my children. I am the way and
the light. Let's get to our next
guest...

As Jesus continues, a loud voice over begins.

NARRATOR
You've seen Jesus and Pals... Now
you've got to get the video! Jesus
and Pals too hot for TV!

Clip of Jesus watching a man spray whipped cream on a topless
woman.

NARRATOR
Things get a little outta control!
You won't believe your eyes!!

Two women in bikinis take off their tops as "TOO HOT" censor
bars cover their chests.

NARRATOR
Order now, only $19.95!! Remember,
this is stuff you CAN'T see on TV!!!!

A number and address to call appears on the screen. The
commercial ends.

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

The Jimbo and Ned crew is driving in the van.

JIMBO
Anonymous tip?

CAMERA GUY
Yeah, it was left on our answering
machine. All it said was that they
saw the Mexican Staring Frog just
south of Stark's pond this morning.

JIMBO
Hey Ned, remember that time we got
an anonymous tip back in Nam?

CAMERA GUY
You were in Nam? Where were you
stationed?

NED
DeNang.

CAMERA GUY
With the log ride?

JIMBO
Yup.

CAMERA GUY
Man, I was in Tet. We had a badass
roller coaster. But all we ever wanted
was a log ride... We waited and we
waited... But they never built us
one.

Jimbo and Ned look sad as they listen to the tale.

CAMERA GUY
I think Danforth wanted a log ride
more than anybody but he... He had
to settle with that lame dinosaur
water adventure ride...

The cameraguy breaks down and starts crying. Jimbo puts a
hand on the cameraguy's shoulder.

JIMBO
That war was hell on everybody.

PRODUCER
(talking on his cell
phone)
Good... Okay, okay. Bye.
(hanging up)
Great news everybody! This weeks
ratings are through the roof! We're
up to TWENTY people!

JIMBO
Wow! Do we get more money?

PRODUCER
No, but I do! We're now THE highest
rated show on Mountain Cable Access!
God bless the Mexican Staring Frog!!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK - FOREST - DAY

The boys are gathered in the forest. Kyle puts the little
plastic frog on a large rock in the middle of a clearing.

KYLE
Dude, they are gonna look SO stupid!

CARTMAN
Totally!

STAN
They deserve it for lying to us dude.

CARTMAN
Revenge is so very, very sweet.

The ROAR of an engine.

STAN
They're here! Hurry and hide!

The boys jump behind a bush as Jimbo and Ned and the camera
crew pull up.

JIMBO
Let's hunt!

PRODUCER
We'll start with a two-shot of you
and Ned getting your equipment
together and --

NED
-- Jimbo, look.

Ned points to a rock behind them all where the little plastic
frog sits motionless.

JIMBO
HIT THE DECK!!!

Everybody jumps to the ground.

PRODUCER
What is it?

JIMBO
It's him! The Mexican Staring Frog
of Southern Sri Lanka! He's right
over there on that rock!

PRODUCER
He is?

The producer peers up over the rock. Jimbo quickly yanks his
head back down.

JIMBO
Dumbass! You've GOT to keep your
eyes away from him! STAY DOWN! Ned,
you take flank position, I'll try
and keep it turned away from you.

NED
Roger that.

JIMBO
(into camera)
Hello fellow hunters. Have we got a
show for you today! The Mexican
Staring Frog is sunning itself on a
rock directly behind us.

Ned runs around and hides behind a tree, making sure the
whole time not to look at the little plastic frog.

JIMBO
We've got to take the frog by
surprise.

Jimbo takes out a grenade.

JIMBO
I'm going to create a diversion using
this incendiary device, while Ned
will ambush him from the rear.

Jimbo throws the bomb over his shoulder. BOOOOM! It blows a
huge hole in the ground right next to the little plastic
frog.

JIMBO
NOW NED! HE'S NOT LOOKING!!!

Ned rushes in with the flamethrower.

JIMBO
QUICK NED! HIT HIM WITH THE SHOTGUN!
NOW NED!!!

Nothing. No sound.

JIMBO
Ned?!... Ned????

Jimbo peeks over to the rock. Ned stands a few feet from the
frog, not moving.

JIMBO
Oh no...

Ned is caught in the gaze of the frog. Little concentric
circles surround his eyes. He drops his gun.

NED
Zzzzzz...

JIMBO
Come on Ned buddy, snap out of it!

But Ned is catatonic. He can't move at all.

JIMBO
Come back to me buddy!!

PRODUCER
(to cameraguy)
You getting all this?

The camera guy nods.

JIMBO
(to camera)
Hold onto your butts...

Jimbo jumps up with his gun and BLASTS the little plastic
frog off the rock.

JIMBO
TAKE THAT YOU DEMON FROG!!!

Ned is still catatonic. Jimbo shakes him.

JIMBO
Ned?! Ned?! Can you hear me?! Quick!
Somebody call an ambulance! This man
is catatonic!

PRODUCER
Get the Flight for Life helicopter!

The kids all climb out of the bushes.

STAN
Holy crap, dude.

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Establishing.

INT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Jimbo is sitting beside Ned's bed reading a book. Ned is
still catatonic. The Producer is standing off to the side.

JIMBO
(reading)
But Pony Boy was beat up pretty bad.
He kept saying 'Stay Gold'.

Jimbo closes the book.

JIMBO
Aw, Ned... If you can hear me... You
gotta snap out of it. 'Cause if you
don't, I'll never forgive myself.

Ned is still catatonic.

The boys walk in to find Jimbo drying his tears.

JIMBO
Oh, Stanly! He's gone! My only friend
in the world is gone!

STAN
Dude! He's okay! That frog wasn't
even real! Look --

Stan holds up another plastic frog.

JIMBO
AGH!! What the hell are you doing?!
I almost looked right at that!!

STAN
Dude, it's just a plastic frog. It's
not real. Check it out --

He hands the frog to Jimbo. Jimbo examines it.

JIMBO
...What?

STAN
We shot all those videos and sent
them in.

KYLE
Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It
was all just a really really funny
joke.

JIMBO
You sent in those videos?!!!!

PRODUCER
Oh, this is not good.

JIMBO
My best friend is a vegetable and
I'm going to be the laughing stock
of South Park!

KYLE
Aw come on! Ned's faking it! That
frog was just a piece of plastic.

STAN
Yeah, come on Ned, quit faking!

JIMBO
You boys don't understand. Ned was
so freaked out by the idea of the
Mexican Staring Frog that he must
have sent himself into a deep coma!

Stan and Kyle look at each other concerned.

VOICE (O.S.)
It's a psycho-somatic response.

We PAN over to the doorway where the Jesus and Pal's producer
who is standing just outside the room holding one of those
telescopic microphones that is used in football games.

PRODUCER
I couldn't help overhearing your
conversation just now.

The producer walks in.

KYLE
Who are you?

PRODUCER
I produce a little TV show called
Jesus and Pals. You might have heard
of it. Your story is AMAZING! Full
of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing
and bitterness!

JIMBO
Uh... thanks?

PRODUCER
How would you like to share your
remarkable story with us on tomorrow's
show?

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO

CHEEZY MUSIC. Lights search the crowd. Superimposed titles
read "Tots in Trouble!"

Jimbo and the boys are on stage. Ned sits next to Jimbo still
catatonic.

JESUS
We're back with Jimbo and his nephew
Stan. These kids can't stop lying,
can they?

JIMBO
That's right Jesus. No respect for
their elders. As some of you may
know, I host a local show on hunting --

A smattering of applause.

JIMBO
Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican
Staring Frog for a week based on
some video footage we received from
a viewer. Well, it turns out that
these kids FAKED the footage!

JESUS
Is this true, Stan?

STAN
It was just a joke. We didn't think
it would hurt anybody.

Jesus looks at the producer who signals for a commercial.

JESUS
We'll find out more about this
debauchery when we return!

Music kicks in and the camera BOOMS off of Jesus.

AD
And we're... OUT!

Producers rush the stage.

PRODUCER
You're corpses up here!! We need A
LOT more action from everybody!

JIMBO
Like what?

PRODUCER
Like go ahead and tell how your nephew
Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.

JIMBO
Satan. Got it.

STAN
Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship
Satan! That's lying!

JIMBO
Give you a taste of your own medicine
you little fibber!

PRODUCER
And you kids! I didn't bring you on
this show to be boring! Somebody get
pissed and throw a chair at Ned here.

CARTMAN
Dibs!

PRODUCER
Remember, you all start to fight
after the chair is thrown. That's
your cue!

JIMBO
Righty.

Music kicks in. The audience goes wild.

JESUS
Welcome back to Jesus and Pals! Jimbo,
why do you think little Stanly lies?

JIMBO
I'll tell you why... Because he's on
drugs and he worships the devil!!!

The crowd GASPS! Stan sits in shock.

AUDIENCE
JESUS!!! JESUS!!!! JESUS!!!

JESUS
Wow. Now Stanly, it sounds like your
uncle is really worried about you.

STAN
Well... I only did it because he
molested me!!!

GASP!!! Jesus' jaw drops. Two producers high-five behind the
camera.

JIMBO
Why you little piece of crap!

STAN
You big piece of crap!!

CARTMAN
That's it, now I'm all pissed off!!!

Cartman picks up a chair and wings it at Ned. It hits him on
the head but he doesn't move an inch.

CARTMAN
Take that hippie!

JIMBO
HEY!!!

He picks up his chair and throws it at Stan. Stan ducks and
it hits a lady in the crowd.

AUDIENCE
JESUS!!! JESUS!!!!

JESUS
Okay, okay. That's enough!

She dashes up and attacks Jimbo.

LADY IN THE CROWD
TAKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE!!!

LADY IN THE CROWD
What the fuck was that?!

JESUS
Uh, let's watch the language people --

JIMBO
BRING IT ON YOU BITCH!!!

CARTMAN
HEY GET OFF OF HIM YOU FUCKIN' NUT
SACK!!!

Cartman jumps on them. The crowd jumps on the boys. A huge
melee ensues.

KENNY
Mrph mrph!!

Two angry crowd members have Kenny between them in a tug of
war. They tug and tug.

JESUS
Let's all make our way back to our
seats.

KENNY
MMMMRPPH!!

They RIP him in half, killing him instantly.

STAN
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!

KYLE
YOU BASTARDS!!!

JESUS
Let's all make our way back to our
seats.

No one notices. The fights continue. Full-on chaos. The
dialogue is a continuous BLEEEP.

JESUS
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

Silence. Everyone looks at Jesus.

JESUS
Jesus, what is wrong with you people!?

People look ashamed. Everyone disentangles themselves from
their respective piles.

JESUS
Look around you Stanly. Look at all
the pain and suffering your lie has
caused.

STAN
Well we only did it because Jimbo
lied to us first. We had this report
on the Vietnam War for school and we
interviewed Jimbo about it. He made
up all this stuff about Vietnam and
he got us in trouble!!

JIMBO
Hey now, everything that I told you
about the war actually happened!

STAN
Mr. Garrison said there was no way
that you could have defeated the
entire Viet Cong by yourself.

The audience gets really silent.

JESUS
The ENTIRE Vietcong army?

Jimbo looks around nervously.

JIMBO
I, uh... Well okay, I might have
EMBELLISHED the truth a little, but
that's different.

JESUS
Is it?

JIMBO
Well sure, I mean... well no, I guess
not.

JESUS
And as for you Stan, I think you
need to kick your drug habit and --

STAN
Wait a second, I don't take drugs!
That was a lie!

JESUS
Wait, Jimbo made that up?

STAN
No, your producer did. She made Jimbo
tell everybody that I did drugs.

Jesus smiles drops.

JESUS
What?!

STAN
During the break. Your producer came
over and told Jimbo what to say about
me. She told him to lie!

JIMBO
It's true, she did. I'm such a tool.

JESUS
Oh really?

Jesus looks over at his producer who is trying to hide behind
a small plant.

KYLE
Yeah, then she told us to throw a
chair at Ned!

CARTMAN
Yeah, I didn't want to do it Jesus!
They made me do it!!

The crowd gets up and starts to bail.

MAN IN THE CROWD
Screw this show! I thought this was
all real!

The whole crowd walks out the door, right by Jesus.

JESUS
Wait everybody! Come back!

But they all leave. Jesus drops the mike.

BLACK MAN
Don't feel too bad Montel. We all
want to touch children sometimes,
it's only natural...

COMMERCIAL BREAK - EPILOGUE

EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO

Jesus, Jimbo, Ned and the boys stand outside the studio.

JIMBO
I'm sorry Stan, I was just trying to
tell a good story. I never meant for
you boys to get in trouble.

STAN
We're sorry too Uncle Jimbo. We're
sorry for making you look stupid in
front of the whole world.

KYLE
Yeah, and we're sorry for turning
Ned into a vegetable.

JIMBO
Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take
him home and show him some good hard-
core porn and he'll snap out of it.
Won't you Ned?

Jimbo slaps Ned on the back. He falls over on his face.

Jesus walks in.

JESUS
I want to apologize to all of you
for what happened in there. in our
competition for ratings we all lost
sight of why we got into show business
in the first place.

JIMBO
Yeah, titties and beer.

JESUS
Actually I was referring more to the
pursuit of truth but... Well anyway,
I can't wait to get back to my old
show without all the glitz and ratings
and producers...

STAN
Wait a sec. Where IS your producer?

JESUS
I sent her away.

CARTMAN
Sent her away where?

INT. HELL - DAY

The producer is horrified as she walks around the flames of
hell with pitchforks stabbing her ass.

PRODUCER
WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

SATAN
Welcome to my dominion.

PRODUCER
Aaaah...

The producer looks confused.

SADAM HUSSEIN
Eh, take a load off, put your feet
up! Me and Satan were just aboot to
go shopping for furniture. Come on
Satan.

SATAN
Okay honey.

They walk off hand in hand.

The producer looks up to the heavens.

PRODUCER
NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!

THE END

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