"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 202

"Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut"

Written by

Trey Parker and David Goodman



ACT I

INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

NARRATOR
Previously, on 'South Park'...

The scene is just as we had left it on episode 113.

NARRATOR
An air of sobriety fills the
laboratory as the men of South Park
gather to find out which one of them
fathered this boy --

ANGLE CARTMAN

Cartman bites into a doughnut and sips at a drink.

NARRATOR
Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the
end of tonight's episode, you WILL
KNOW the answer!!

ROLL SOUTH PARK OPENING SEQUENCE

EXT. MEPHESTO'S LAB - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

Everyone is gathered around in Mephesto's office, waiting in
anticipation.

MEPHESTO
And now... To continue, the father
is indeed someone in this room!

CARTMAN
Man, this feels like the longest
minute of my life!

Stan and Kyle stand there waiting. Kenny suddenly appears
next to them.

STAN
(Confused)
Oh, hey Kenny...

Mephesto takes out the card and reads it.

MEPHESTO
Gentlemen, the father is...

Everyone's eyes get big. Music SWELLS.

But then, suddenly, the lights go out!

MR. GARRISON
(In darkness)
Hey, what the hell's going on?

JIMBO
It's a power outage!

Suddenly, we hear BANG! BANG! BANG-BANG!

The lights come back on, and everyone looks around.

CHEF
Is everybody okay? That sounded like
a gunshot!

OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh my God! LOOK!!

Mephesto is lying on the floor, bleeding from gunshot wounds.

KENNY
(Oh my God! They've
killed Mephesto!)
Mph mm Mrm! Mrphph mrph MrphMprhMrph!!

KYLE
You bastards!

MR. GARRISON
Mephesto's been shot!!

Everyone rushes over to Mephesto's body.

CHEF
Is he dead?!

JIMBO
Hey, this window is shot out, too!
That means the killer was NOT somebody
in this room!

MR. GARRISON
Then who was it?!

Suddenly, the narrator's voice bursts in again.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school
counselor?
(As pictures fly past)
Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it --

CARTMAN
Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find
out who my father was!

NARRATOR (V.O.)
(Pictures continue)
Or was it Ms. Broslofsky?

Chef is leaning down by Mephesto.

CHEF
Wait! He's still breathing! He's not
dead!

A few people help Chef lift up Mephesto and lead him towards
the door. Cartman gets in Mephesto's face.

CARTMAN
GOD DAMMIT! WHO'S MY FATHER?!

But Mephesto is not conscious.

CHEF
We have to get him to the hospital!

CARTMAN
You've got to be kidding me!!!!

CHEF
Come on, children!

The boys follow Chef out the door.

CARTMAN
Oh!

MR. BROVLOFSKI
Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell
for him going through all this.

Ms. Cartman is standing right next to him. When she hears
this, she lowers her head and walks away.

JIMBO
There's a murderer free in South
Park! We have to find out who it is
before they kill again!

MR. GARRISON
Yeah, God only knows who they'll
kill next?

NARRATOR
Who will they kill next? Will it be
Jimbo?
(Slides again)
Barbrady? The Denver Broncos...?

INT. CHEF'S CAR - NIGHT

Chef drives with Cartman in the front seat and the boys in
back, with an unconscious Mephesto in the way back.

CARTMAN
Is he awake yet?

KYLE
He's bleeding pretty bad back here.

CHEF
Don't let him bleed on my Meredith
Baxter Birney memorial towel.

KYLE
What's a Meredith Baxter Birney
Memorial towel?

CHEF
I actually was with Meredith Baxter
Birney in this very car, and
afterwards, we used that towel to...
Wait a minute, why am I telling you
this?

Meanwhile, Stan is looking incredibly sick.

STAN
Could you pull over so I can get
out?

CHEF
What? We have to get to the hospital!

STAN
I have to get out first, I'm not
gonna make it. I can't stand
hospitals!

CHEF
Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop
Mephesto off, and then we can get
out of there, alright?

KYLE
Man, it's really starting to snow, I
hope they don't close the roads.

CARTMAN
They can't! Mephesto can't die!!!

KYLE
Maybe it's better you don't know who
your father is, Cartman.

CARTMAN
No way dude, I can't stand to leave
things unfinished. It's like when
you hear the first part of that song
"Come Sail Away" by Styx. If I hear
the first part I have to finish it.

Everybody looks at each other, confused.

KYLE
Really?

CARTMAN
Yeah. I can't do anything until it's
done.

KYLE
I'm sailingg awayyy...

CARTMAN
No! Don't!

KYLE
Set an open course for the Virgin
Sea...

Kyle stops abruptly. Cartman sits and shakes. He turns red
like he's trying desperately to hold back. Finally, his mouth
opens and it comes bursting forth.

CARTMAN
-- Cause I've got to be free to carry
on. Duh-dun (and so on)

KYLE
Woa, dude!

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

Chef's car speeds up the mountain road.

A small, single snowflake falls from the sky and lands on
the sign that reads 'Hell's Pass Hospital - 35 miles'

OMINOUS MUSIC STING.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Everyone is gathered in the Mayor's Office. She tries to
calm them down.

JIMBO
What are we going to do, Mayor? This
killer is on the loose!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
We can't even leave our homes for
fear of our children's safety!

STAN'S MOTHER
Uh... Where are our children?

Everyone looks around.

MAYOR
Officer Barbrady... Let's pretend
for one second that we had a competent
law enforcer in this town. What would
HE do?

BARBRADY
Hmm... That's a good question,
Mayor... Let me get right on that
with thinking.

Barbrady goes into a trance.

Suddenly, a crew of people carrying film equipment rush in.

DIRECTOR
Mayor! Mayor!

MAYOR
The press is here!

DIRECTOR
My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the
director from Los Angeles for
'America's Most Wanted'.

MAYOR
You certainly made it up here quickly.

DIRECTOR
We're desperate for stories.
(Catching himself)
AND this one is so compelling!

MAYOR
Really?

DIRECTOR
Sure! This story has everything!
People... furniture... talking...
It's a real American story.

BARBRADY
Hey, I thought of something!
(Pause)
Er... No wait, that's subtraction...

MAYOR
(Ignoring this)
Mr. Director person, what exactly do
you want to do?

JIMBO
Mayor, shouldn't we be focusing on --

MAYOR
Shh!

DIRECTOR
We just want to do a recreation of
the story for our show. Then we'll
flash a number on the screen that
people can call if they have any
information regarding the identity
or location of the shooter. That's
it. You win. We win. America wins.

MAYOR
Are you sure this wouldn't make our
little town look dangerous?

DIRECTOR
Don't worry, Mayor, America's Most
Wanted is not about violence, it's
about family.

CAMERA GUY
It is?

MAYOR
Well, in that case, I guess it's
okay.

DIRECTOR
Great! We'll get started with
auditions immediately. What part
should we cast first?

Again the Narrator's voice bursts in.

NARRATOR
WHO WILL THE DIRECTOR CAST FIRST?!
WILL IT BE MR. GARRISON? OFFICER
BARBRADY? CHEF...?

EXT. UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY

The snow falls on this small, humble clinic.

MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
I want to have an abortion.

INT. UNPLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY

SOCIAL WORKER
Oh, well we can do that. This must
be a very difficult time for you
Mrs...

MS. CARTMAN
Cartman... Yes, It's such a hard
decision. But I just don't feel I
can raise a child in this screwy
world.

SOCIAL WORKER
Yes, Ms. Cartman, if you don't feel
fit to raise a child, an abortion
probably is the answer. Do you know
the actual time of conception?

MS. CARTMAN
About eight years ago.

The Social Worker looks confused.

SOCIAL WORKER
I see... So the fetus is...

MS. CARTMAN
Eight years old.

SOCIAL WORKER
Ms. Cartman, eight years old is a
little late to be considering
abortion.

MS. CARTMAN
Really?

SOCIAL WORKER
Yes, this is what we would refer to
as the FORTIETH trimester.

MS. CARTMAN
But I just don't think I'm a fit
mother.

SOCIAL WORKER
Well, but we prefer to abort babies
a little earlier on. In fact, there's
a law against abortions after the
second trimester.

MS. CARTMAN
Well... I think you need to keep
your laws off of my body.

SOCIAL WORKER
Hmmm... I'm afraid I can't help you,
Ms. Cartman. If you want to change
the law, you'll have to speak with
your congressman.

MS. CARTMAN
(A little pissed)
Well, then that's EXACTLY what I
intend to do! Good day!

EXT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

Chef's car pulls up. Snow is falling heavily.

CHEF
Come on children, we gotta find a
doctor!

Stan stops at the door.

STAN
I can't do it, dude!

KYLE
Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all
that bad.

CARTMAN
Yeah, stop being a wuss.

INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Chef and the children enter to find a doctor and nurse
standing over a patient in the ER.

CHEF
Doctor!

DOCTOR
One moment please! NURSE! I need
twenty CCs of sodium pentothal, STAT!!

The nurse runs over to the surgical tray. She has no arms,
however, and must pick up the syringe with her teeth.

KYLE
Woa, dude, she doesn't have any arms!

DOCTOR
We're an equal opportunity employer
here, son.

The nurse spits the syringe into the doctor's hands.

CHEF
Doctor, we've got a shot cracker
outside!

DOCTOR
I'll be with you right after I inject
this man with a long needle.

STAN
Oh man, I'm gonna be sick...

DOCTOR
There, there, young man. Medical
science is nothing to be afraid of.

To remove the air from the syringe, the doctor squirts out a
long stream of pentothal.

STAN
UGH!

The doctor injects the patient.

NURSE GOODLY
Oooh, I think you're hitting the
bone!!

STAN
(Turning blue)
AAGHH!

DOCTOR
Yeah, I can hear the needle scraping
against the bone inside!

Sccccrrrreeeee...

DOCTOR
Oop, he's hemorrhaging!

A long, thick arc of blood squirts through the air and hits
the ground next to Stan.

Now, for absolutely no reason, the patient's head falls off
and hits the ground.

DOCTOR
Oop! His head fell off!

STAN
I'm gettin' outta here!!!

KYLE
Stan!

DOCTOR
Well, some people just have a weak
stomach.

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Establishing.

AMW has not set up a little trailer, but a huge complex with
a sign: AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: SOUTH PARK HEADQUARTERS

INT. AUDITORIUM

The Director sits in the dimly lit theatre seats, listening
to actors as they audition for parts.

A sign on the small stage reads 'America's Most Wanted
Auditions'

A very average looking man, wearing Mephesto's Hawaiian shirt
is on the stage, reading from a script.

MEPHESTO ACTOR
And the father of Eric Cartman is...
BANG! Ugh!! Jimminy! I've been shot!!

DIRECTOR
Oh, thank you very much, we'll get
back to you.

The actor leaves.

DIRECTOR
I think I've seen enough genetic
engineers. Let's move on to the
auditions for the part of...
(Looking at papers)
Mr... Garrison.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!!

A young actor comes out with a sock on his hand.

ACTOR
Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric
Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
(As Mr. Hat)
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.

DIRECTOR
Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on
the top pile. Next!

Mr. Garrison walks out.

MR. GARRISON
I sure hope that I am not Eric
Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
(As Mr. Hat)
You can say that again Mr. Garrison.

DIRECTOR
Thank you -- NEXT!

MR. GARRISON
What?

DIRECTOR
NEXT!

Garrison looks puzzled and walks away.

A very good looking actor takes his place.

GOOD LOOKING ACTOR
I sure hope that I am not Eric
Cartman's father Mr. Hat.
(As Mr. Hat)
You can say that again Mr. Garrison.

DIRECTOR
PERFECT! YOU GOT IT!!

Mr. Garrison exchanges looks with Mr. Hat.

DIRECTOR
Let's move on to the Chefs!

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ms. Cartman is lying naked in bed with a clean cut gentleman,
who is smoking a cigarette.

MS. CARTMAN
And so you see Congressman O'Riley,
that's why I think abortion laws
should be changed.

CONGRESSMAN
Well, all I know is that third
trimester abortions are illegal. I
don't really know anything about
fortieth.

MS. CARTMAN
But the lady at Unplanned Parenthood
said you were who I had to talk to
about changing the law.

CONGRESSMAN
No, No, I think you gotta talk to
the Governor about that stuff.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh dear.

EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

We see Chef's car being buried by the heavy snowfall.

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

Chef and Cartman and the boys stand around a bed where
Mephesto is lying, hooked up to all kinds of machines.

DOCTOR
Well, this is about all I can do for
him.

CARTMAN
Can't you get him to talk? I have to
know who my father is!!

DOCTOR
Sorry, son, it might be a while.

Cartman jumps up on Mephesto and starts slapping him in the
face.

CARTMAN
WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

CHEF
WOA!

DOCTOR
(Pulling him off)
Now, son, that's not gonna do him
any good. I'll let you know if there's
a change in his condition.

CARTMAN
I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE!! WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!

KYLE
Hey, Cartman...

CARTMAN
What?

KYLE
I'mmmmm sailinngg aw --

Kyle stops. Cartman's eyes grow wide. He starts to shake.

CARTMAN
...way set an open course on the
Virgin Sea.
(continues)

STAN
Okay, okay. Let's get out of here
now.

KYLE
I don't know if that's gonna be too
easy...

Kyle is looking out the window, where the blizzard has
intensified. Chef's car is completely buried.

DOCTOR
My God, that's a hell of a storm.

STAN
Oh, weak...

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

Snow has started to fall in South Park.

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

The director is looking out the window at the falling snow.

DIRECTOR
God I hate mountains. This better
not push back our shooting schedule.

Now the director steps back, and we see that he is next to a
huge facade of Mephesto's lab. Movie cameras and lights
abound.

A full cast is on hand, with actors dressed up as all the
main characters.

DIRECTOR
Okay people, let's rehearse the
reenactment from the top before we
shoot it.

Everyone takes their places.

DIRECTOR
Who's that?

Eric Roberts is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and walking around.

ASSISTANT
Oh that's T.V.'s Eric Roberts, we
were able to get him to play the
part of the little monkey guy.

DIRECTOR
Oooh, talk about washed up, huh?
(To Eric, louder)
Great to have you, Eric!

Eric waves.

DIRECTOR
Here we go... And... ACTION!!

MEPHESTO ACTOR
I want to announce who the father is --

DIRECTOR
BANG!

MEPHESTO ACTOR
Oh! I've been shot!

BARBRADY ACTOR
Nobody move! I'm a law officer!

CHEF ACTOR
My God... I think he's gone into
cardiac arrest.

BARBRADY ACTOR
You seem somewhat unnerved by this,
Chef.

CHEF ACTOR
Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because
if you are, accuse! Don't hide behind
your clever riddles.

BARBRADY ACTOR
Our differences must be set aside
for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man.
A man trying to do my job.

The South Park townspeople are watching from behind the
cameras.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Woa, this is a good movie!

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

Chef and the boys are sitting in the waiting room, bored,
with a plethora of injured people waiting to get attention.

Stan looks to his left where a man is holding his stabbed
arm with the knife still in it.

He grimaces and looks to his right where a woman is bleeding
out her jugular.

CARTMAN
Sail away with meeee!!!!

Cartman takes a deep breath, satisfied.

STAN
Ohhh, dude, when can we get out of
here?

The doctor rushes in and starts tending to the next patient.

JUGULAR WOMAN
Doctor! I can't focus!

DOCTOR
We're doing the best we can, ma'am.
They've closed the pass and none of
the other doctors can get through.
For now it's just me and Nurse Goodly.

Nurse goodly fumbles around for a stethoscope sans arms.

CHEF
Wait a second, they've closed the
pass?

DOCTOR
Yes. I'm afraid we're critically
understaffed. Unless we get help
soon, all these people in here are
completely fucked.

The patients all look at the doctor with worry. A hush falls
over them.

DOCTOR
(To them)
Metaphorically speaking, that is.

CARTMAN
What about Mephesto?! Are you taking
care of him?!

DOCTOR
He's on full life support and
breathing fine. He shouldn't need
any help... So long as the power
doesn't go out.

The power goes out.

Everyone just stands there in complete darkness.

DOCTOR
Whoof, who didn't see that coming a
mile away, huh?

ACT II

ROLL AMERICA'S MOST WANTED INTRODUCTION SEQUENCE

MUSIC. A sequence of chase and arrest scenes, flashing lights
and running cops and robbers.

NARRATOR
Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a
shooter is on the loose in Colorado,
and the residents are up in arms!
Here's your host John Walsh.

JOHN WALSH
Good evening and welcome to America's
Most Wanted. Tonight, terror invaded
the small mountain community of South
Park Colorado when Dr. Alphonse
Mephesto was gunned down in his
laboratory. America's Most Wanted
has reconstructed this heinous crime
in hopes that your calls can solve
the case.

INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB SET - NIGHT

Thunder and lightning blast outside as we see all the actors
in their respective costumes.

MEPHESTO ACTOR
I've been shot!!

MR. GARRISON ACTOR
My God, Mr. Hat, get some help.

MR. HAT ACTOR
(A tall, handsome
actor)
Right away, Mr. Garrison.

ERIC ROBERTS
No! Noo!! My lifetime partner and
friend. Gone, taken away in the wink
of an eye! Oh, fortune! How you mock
me!

DIRECTOR
What the?! Eric Roberts is improving
lines again!

CHEF ACTOR
I'm going to get the man to a
hospital. Who will help me?

ERIC ROBERTS
This is not a world I want to live
in! It is an angry world.

DIRECTOR
Dammit!!

Just then, all the power goes out.

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

A tree has blown over on the power lines. They spark in the
falling snow.

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

DIRECTOR
What the hell is this?!

CAMERA GUY
We've lost the feed to L.A.!

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS IN L.A.

John Walsh is still standing there, but with all the screens
static.

JOHN WALSH
Uhh... We seem to have lost our linkup
to the South Park crew... So I guess
we'll be going to our feature movie,
Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

ANNOUNCER
Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo?
Mr. Garrison? Chef?

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

DIRECTOR
Somebody go see why we lost the
hookup!

Just then, the door blows open and snow flies everywhere.

JIMBO
Holy smokes! That blizzard is gettin'
crazy!

EXT. HOSPITAL OF DOOM - NIGHT

The snow has absolutely buried the hospital. The eerie
moonlight makes the place look like something out of 'The
Shining'

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

The emergency lights have come on, but are noticeably dimmer.

All the patients are screaming and running around in horror.

NURSE GOODLY
Don't panic, anybody. The power lines
are down, but the backup generator
is running fine.

The doctor pops out from the E.R.

DOCTOR
Nurse! I could use some help in here!

NURSE GOODLY
Coming!

But as the nurse heads towards the doctor, Cartman steps in
front of her.

CARTMAN
Lady, is Mephesto going to be okay?

NURSE GOODLY
Yes... For now. But I'm afraid the
generator won't run for long. The
batteries run out in half an hour.
Time is very short.

DOCTOR
Nurse, PLEASE! I need another pair
of HANDS in here!!
(Beat)
Oh... Sorry.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - NIGHT

In a very immaculate bedroom, Ms. Cartman is again lying
naked next to a naked older looking man.

MS. CARTMAN
Don't you see, Govenor? I should
have a right to have an abortion if
I want one.

GOVENOR
Mmm... I don't know I might need
some more convincing.

He rolls over and puts his arm around her.

MS. CARTMAN
I mean, what right do I have bringing
another child into this overpopulated
world? Then again, I should have
thought of that before having sex...
Then again... Oh, I just don't know!

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Stan and Kyle are back with Chef, who is talking to the
doctor.

DOCTOR
Please, Mr. Chef, I have over a
hundred people to tend to here, and
only myself and Nurse Goodly.

CHEF
What do you want me to do?

DOCTOR
Do you know anything about surgery?

CHEF
I used to watch Quincy.

DOCTOR
WHAT?! Why the hell didn't you say
so! Put on some scrubs!!

The doctor turns to the boys.

DOCTOR
Boys, I'm making you all honorary
doctors! You can help us save these
people's lives!

Stan gets a very, very worried look on his face.

STAN
No way, dude!

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

The snow is piled high all around America's Most Wanted.
Everything is absolutely covered.

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

Jimbo opens the front door. A huge mound of snow rushes in,
and blowing snow flies in his face.

JIMBO
Well, we're not going anywhere for a
long time.

DIRECTOR
We're snowed in?

MAYOR
Yes... We're TRAPPED.

MR. GARRISON
Like sailors on a submarine.

Garrison looks at the Director.

MAYOR
My God, this is the worst storm I've
ever seen.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Ohh, I have to get out of here, I
haven't eaten since breakfast.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry too.

JIMBO
I hope you all realize what we might
be facing here...

Everyone looks at Jimbo.

JIMBO
Our only option might be to EAT EACH
OTHER to stay alive!

MUSIC STING. Everybody GASPS.

DIRECTOR
Uhh... It's only been like four hours.
Aren't you resorting to cannibalism
a little quickly?

JIMBO
That's the law of the land, Mr.
Director. I know it ain't pretty,
but if a few of us might die so that
the rest can stay alive so be it.

MAYOR
But how do we decide... who?

JIMBO
Well, we draw straws.

DIRECTOR
(Hysterical)
Now wait a minute! We all had a big
breakfast, can't you people go without
eating for a little --

JIMBO
CALM DOWN, SOLDIER!! WE NEED EVERY
PERSON HERE TO KEEP HIS HEAD!!

Barbrady, fetch some straws.

DIRECTOR
Well who the hell made you the boss
anyway?!

Jimbo opens his mouth to answer, when --

ANNOUNCER
Who the hell made Jimbo Boss? Was it
Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Garrison?

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT

The doctor is standing over a patient, who is lying on an
operating table.

DOCTOR
This man's appendix has burst. I
have no choice but to operate now,
with our limited power. I need you
all to be strong for me.

Chef and the boys are wearing scrubs and holding their hands
in the air. Stan is absolutely green with nausea.

DOCTOR
Okay. Nurse Goodly will take care of
anaesthesia. Chef, you'll act as her
arms. Boys, you have to help with
suction and bandages. Ready?

STAN
No.

DOCTOR
Okay, first I'll make an incision on
the chest over the heart.

STAN
Oh, boy.

We see the scalpel cut open a good sized hole. Blood pours
out. Stan immediately pulls his mask off and barfs directly
into the patient's chest.

KYLE
Dude, you barfed into the incision!

CARTMAN
Sweet!

DOCTOR
(Jumping up and down)
Suction!

Kenny pulls the suction cup over the incision. SSSSLLLUURRPP.

Suddenly, the lights begin to dim.

CARTMAN
Hey, who's screwing with the lights?!

The narrator pops up.

NARRATOR
Who IS screwing with the lights?
(Pictured:)
Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the
1991 Denver Broncos?

CARTMAN
That is really starting to piss me
off.

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

Everyone is gathered around and drawing straws from Officer
Barbrady.

JIMBO
Alright, so far everybody has a long
piece of straw. We'll keep drawing...

Jimbo pulls his straw out... It's pretty long. He sighs
relief.

Mr. Garrison pulls his straw out... It's pretty long. He
sighs relief.

The Mayor pulls a straw... It's pretty long. She sighs relief.

Barbrady is left with the last piece... He opens his hand...
And there's ANOTHER long piece of straw.

JIMBO
Whew!

MR. GARRISON
Whew!

OFFICER BARBRADY
Whew!

JIMBO
Wait a minute... Where the hell is
the short one?

OFFICER BARBRADY
The short what?

JIMBO
Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws
you're supposed to have one of 'em
short, that's how you decide who
loses!

Barbrady thinks.

OFFICER BARBRADY
That's not how I played it.

MR. GARRISON
Ugh... Could we hurry this up, my
stomach's growling!

INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - NIGHT

The doctor enters with large blueprints of the hospital. Dim
back up lights are flickering.

DOCTOR
I found a map that shows the location
of a backup generator!

He rolls out the blueprints.

DOCTOR
Apparently they built a large, self-
sustaining generator for just this
kind of emergency. But it's out and
away from the hospital!

CHEF
So how do we get to it?

DOCTOR
We must split up into two teams.
Team A and Team B.

Everyone gathers around and listens closely.

DOCTOR
Team A will consist of myself, Stan,
Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly.
Team B will consist of Kenny.

Kenny's eyes grow wide.

DOCTOR
(To Kenny)
Now listen closely, team B. Your
goal will be turn on the backup
generator. To do this, you must brave
the storm outside and get into this
sewage duct.

He points to these various areas on the blueprint.

DOCTOR
Meanwhile, team A will go to the
holding area... HERE. Where there is
a television and some cocoa. We will
drink the cocoa and watch family
programming until Team B makes it
through the sewage duct.

Kenny looks suspicious.

DOCTOR
By that time, team B (remember, that's
you Kenny) should reach the outer
core of the generator. It will be a
cold and dangerous climb to the top,
and there could be velociraptors
HERE.

Kenny panics.

DOCTOR
Once you reach the top, you should
be able to get a clear view through
THIS window, of us drinking cocoa
and watching television. Then you
can proceed down into the generator
and power it on. Are there any
questions?

CARTMAN
No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.

DOCTOR
Right then, let's DO IT!! GO TEAM!!!

KENNY
Hmph?

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

Everyone is lying on the dimly lit floor, looking as if they
haven't eaten for weeks.

MR. GARRISON
C... Can't go on... S-So H-hungry...

MAYOR
We're all going to die in this
horrible place.

JIMBO
We have to have energy to make it
through the night... We have to eat.

DIRECTOR
How can we? How could we live with
ourselves?

JIMBO
There's only one answer... Eat Eric
Roberts.

Eric Roberts panics.

MAYOR
Yes... Of course. Nobody gives a
shit about Eric Roberts.

MR. GARRISON
Eat Eric Roberts...

ERIC ROBERTS
No!

Everybody closes in on Eric Roberts.

ERIC ROBERTS
No, PLEASE!!

ACT III

INT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

Eric Roberts, now nothing but a carcass, lies off to the
side. Everyone is quietly huddled around the fire.

MAYOR
Well, there's no going back now...
We're cannibals. God save us.

JIMBO
God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Well, I have to admit, Eric Roberts
was much juicer than I expected.

DIRECTOR
Aw!

MR. GARRISON
This snow just isn't letting up.
We're going to die here, I know it.

JIMBO
What time is it, Barbrady?

BARBRADY
(Checking his watch)
It's almost midnight.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, I can't go on...

JIMBO
We'll give the storm another hour.
After that... We might have to eat
again...

DRAMATIC MUSIC.

DIRECTOR
What?! Christ, are you people diabetic
or something?!

EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Kenny crawls out of a small duct, covered with sewage. The
horrible storm blows around him in all directions, Kenny can
barely see.

The doctor's voice blasts over Kenny's walkie talkie.

DOCTOR
Team B... Come in, Team B.

KENNY
Mph mh mphm B.

DOCTOR
Listen, Team B, we've found another
path to the generator. There's
actually a nice, heated walkway to
it, so you don't need to walk through
all that sewage.

Kenny looks down at his sewage covered body.

KENNY
(Pissed)
Mph rmph rm rmphm!!!

DOCTOR
Oh... Well forget I said that then.
Listen, team B, you should be seeing
a large drift of snow with some metal
sticking out of it just to your
left...

KENNY
Mph, mpmh mphmh mm.

Kenny spots the snow covered backup generator.

DOCTOR
Good heads towards it, Team A out.

CARTMAN
What if Mephesto never wakes up and
I never find out who my father is?

Little Kenny bravely treads through the deep snow, just as
the shadow of a velocoraptor runs by with a cry.

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

Everyone appears to be eating somberly. We see Eric Roberts's
nearly skeletal corpse, and next to it, the corpses of the
director and his assistant.

The Mayor forks over some meat off of the assistant director.

MAYOR
My God what a harrowing tale of human
drama this is! All of us doing what
we must to survive.

JIMBO
It is amazing what people can do
under stress. Just look at the
pyramids nobody knows how they built
those. Or who.

NARRATOR
Who built the pyramids? Was it the
Babylonians? Officer Barbrady?
Samaritans?

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Everyone is gathered around Mephesto's bed. The power appears
to still be draining, as the lights dim, and electrical sounds
wurr down...

EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

KENNY
(On his walkie)
Mmmph mmm mph.

INT. HOSPITAL

DOCTOR
Roger Team B. He's reached the backup
generator. Team B can you see the
two copper nodes?

EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

KENNY
(On his walkie)
Mmmph mmm mph.

INT. HOSPITAL

DOCTOR
Good, now is there a wire connecting
them?

EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

KENNY
Mmm npm.

INT. HOSPITAL

DOCTOR
Damn. The wire connecting the nodes
is gone. We need to complete the
circuit between them or we're screwed.

KYLE
Do you have any wire here?

DOCTOR
There's no time. Once these lights
flicker out. All the patients on
life support are going to die.

EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

KENNY
Mrmp mmme mrph.

INT. HOSPITAL

DOCTOR
No Kenny you can't. There must be
some other way. He's going to make
the connection himself with his hands.

KYLE
No, he'll die!

CARTMAN
Go Kenny.

DOCTOR
Kenny... Nooooooo......

EXT. BACK UP GENERATOR

Kenny connects the lines with his hands and we see him light
up like a Christmas tree.

INT. HOSPITAL

STAN
Oh my God they've killed Kenny!

KYLE
You bastards!

Suddenly the power comes on!!!

CHEF
The power!!

DOCTOR
Quickly, get the scanner running
again!!

Everybody converges on Mephesto.

DOCTOR
We've got a chance, now!!

EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE ESTABLISHING

INT. PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM

PRESIDENT
Well okay Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize
fortieth trimester abortions for
you.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh thank you, thank you.

PRESIDENT
We'll have the pregnancy terminated
immediately.

MS. CARTMAN
Terminated?

PRESIDENT
Oh yes, that's what an abortion is.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh no, I didn't mean that. I meant
the other thing you can do. What's
that other "A" word?

PRESIDENT
Adoption?

MS. CARTMAN
Yes, that's what I mean. Adoption.

PRESIDENT
Well that's pretty different.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh I should just tell my son the
truth about everything myself. Good
day Mr. President.

EXT. SOUTH PARK

The sun begins to rise.

All over South Park, we see snow slowly melting as the sun's
rays drift over the land.

A few birds come out and start singing as the light shows us
the town of South Park, half buried in snow.

INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Mephesto's room, now lit by sunlight seems much more pleasant.

DOCTOR
Well, we made it. The power is on,
the snow is melting and your friend
Mephesto is doing fine.

Just then, Mephesto blinks his eyes open.

MEPHESTO
Where... Where am I?

CHEF
You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto.
You were shot. Now we don't know who
tried to shoot you, but --

MEPHESTO
Oh, I'm sure it was my brother again.
He tries to shoot me every month.

CHEF
Oh.

DOCTOR
Where is the little fat boy? He'll
be delighted that Mephesto is awake.

CHEF
He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

Cartman, Stan and Kyle are on their knees in the snow.

STAN
He was a good friend, and I'll miss
him.

KYLE
He was very brave... He risked his
life so that Mephesto could live.

CARTMAN
Yeah, and now he's a freezie-pop.

Now we see that Kenny is standing in front of the boys, frozen
like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

STAN
Dude, do you think if we hit him
with a shovel he'd shatter?

KYLE
I dunno, let's find out.

EXT. AMERICA'S MOST WANTED HEADQUARTERS

A shovel appears through the snow. Jimbo squeezes his way
out and takes a deep breath of the crisp, morning air.

One by one, the townspeople all step out of the building and
look up at the warm sun.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, it's over... We're free!

OFFICER BARBRADY
Yes. But at what cost, Mr. Garrison?
At what cost?

A guilty hush falls over everyone.

JIMBO
Listen everybody, we did what we had
to in there.

MAYOR
But... How will we live with ourselves
now?

NED
One day at a time, Mayor... One day
at a time.

The camera PULLS BACK up and over the snow capped mountains
as Aaron Neville sings 'Ave Maria'

AARON NEVILLE
Aaaa... Ve Mariiiiii-aaaaa...

MR. GARRISON
Well, I'm bringing home some Eric
Roberts in a doggie bag, does anybody
else want some?

FADE OUT:

EPILOGUE

INT. HELL'S PASS HOSPITAL - DAY

Everyone is gathered in Mephesto's room much like they were
in the very first scene.

MEPHESTO
I'm glad you all could come... I can
finally reveal who the father of
Eric Cartman is... But first, I want
to thank Kenny McCormick for
sacrificing his life...

CARTMAN
JUST TELL US ALREADY!!!

MEPHESTO
Alright, Alright, Alright. The father
of Eric Cartman is... Say did anybody
see that Terrance & Phillip special
last month? Wasn't that just the
funniest thing ever?

CARTMAN
Goddamnit! Tell me who my father is!

Everyone looks around nervously.

MEPHESTO
Alright, as I said before, the father
is somebody in this room... The father
is --

Cartman's eyes grow wide.

MEPHESTO
MRS. CARTMAN!!!!

HUGE STING - Everybody gasps, then looks confused.

CHEF
What?!

MS. CARTMAN
Yes... It's true.

MR. GARRISON
No, that doesn't make sense.

MEPHESTO
Yes, it took quite a while for me to
understand as well. You see, Mrs.
Cartman is a hermaphrodite.

MR. GARRISON
Meaning what?

MEPHESTO
Meaning that she has both male and
female genitals.

MS. CARTMAN
It's true.

Everybody looks sick. Cartman's head is reeling.

CHEF
You mean that at the drunken barn
dance... When we all got together
with her she was a HE?

MEPHESTO
No, no, not exactly, but she did
have a penis.

Everybody in the room throws up.

MEPHESTO
The fact of the matter is,
hermaphrodites cannot bear children,
so Ms. Cartman's DNA match with Eric
can only mean that SHE is his father.
And she got another woman pregnant
at the drunken barn dance.

CARTMAN
Oh man this is fuckin' weak!!

STAN
DUDE, you're a big fat ass, AND your
mom's a hermaphlight!!

MS. CARTMAN
I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. I
just thought maybe it would be a
little shocking to you.

CARTMAN
(Sarcastic)
Oh wow, gee wiz you think so Ma?!

MEPHESTO
Well, that's that. Thank you all for
playing.

Everybody starts walking away, dazed.

CARTMAN
No No! Wait a minute! If she's my
dad, then who's my mom?

Pause...

NARRATOR
Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it --
Ms. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The
Mayor?

CARTMAN
OH FORGET IT!!

THE END

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