"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 201

"Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus"

Written by

Trisha Nixon and Trey Parker



ACT ONE

NARRATOR
Since the last South Park, you've
waited four long weeks to find out
who the father of Eric Cartman is.
Now finally the shocking truth about
Cartman's lineage... Will not be
seen tonight so that we can bring
you the following Special
Presentation.

Black screen with super serious MOW music with the titles
rolling...

NARRATOR
Now, get ready for Canada's hottest
action stars. Terrance and Phillip.
The HBC movie of the week. Not Without
My Anus, based on a true story.

"TERRANCE AND PHILLIP PRESENT,

TERRANCE AND PHILLIP IN,

TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S "NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS."

FADE IN:

EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

It's a high, sweeping, super serious MOW shot.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The Prosecuting Attorney, SCOTT, is standing before a jury.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
Ladies and gentleman, before you
today sits a murderer. On the night
in question, this monster entered
the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and
struck him repeatedly in the head
with this hammer.

The Prosecutor holds up a hammer. It has blood and hair all
over it.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
That monster is sitting right over
there and his name is Terrance!

He points to the defense table where Terrance sits and shrugs
nonchalantly and then lifts his ass cheek to fart. His defense
attorney, Phillip, laughs.

PHILLIP
Oh, Terrance, you've farted in court.

TERRANCE
Yes, Phillip, I'm making a case for
our defense!

Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

The Prosecutor continues, pacing in front of the jury. He
has before him an endless table of physical evidence.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
All of these things link Terrance to
the murder. Hair fibers, blood
samples, nail clippings, a piece of
his shirt...

He holds up the fabric. Terrance casually covers the rip on
his sleeve and smiles at the jury.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
A watch with his initials on it, a
dayplanner with the murder
scheduled...

The prosecutor holds up the dayplanner page. It has a skull
and crossbones and says, "Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer 7:30.
Dinner with the McCullough's 8:15."

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
...a haiku called Time To Kill Dr.
Jeffrey O'Dwyer
(counting the syllables
on his hand as he
reads)
"Doctor O'Dwyer, Time to have your
head smashed in, with my new hammer."

Terrance shrugs.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon
but you're not God! Do you think
you're God?! J'accuse, Terrance!

With a big dramatic fingerpoint, we pan quickly over to
Terrance. He smiles at the jury, then farts.

TERRANCE
Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?

PHILLIP
Yes, please.

Terrance lifts his ass cheek and farts a different sounding
fart.

TERRANCE
That's called the monkey claw because
it feels like my colon is being ripped
apart by a thousand monkeys!

PHILLIP
The monkey claw is smelly!

Terrance laughs. The OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE smacks her gavel
and speaks in a slow, drowsy southern-Canadian drawl like a
hillbilly bear.

OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
Come on, get a move on. I ain't
gettin' any younger up here.

PHILLIP
My sentiments exactly, your honor. I
see from your accent that you're
Southern-Canadian.

OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
That is correct.

Phillip stands and addresses the jury.

PHILLIP
Good people of the jury. My client,
Terrance, is an innocent man.

Phillip farts.

TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, now you've farted during
the closing argument.

PHILLIP
I have, haven't I, Terrance?

He farts again. The jurors start to smile.

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT
Your honor, the defense is trying to
make a mockery of this court! They
think that farts are funny!! But
they're not!!

OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE
Sustained.

PHILLIP
Good people of the jury. My client,
Terrance, is no more a murderer than
you or me. He loves puppies and hates
mean things.

He shows a picture of Terrance giving a carrot to a llama.

PHILLIP
Would a murderer go to the zoo and
feed animals like this? Of course
not. So, in summation, find Terrance
innocent... Or else he'll KILL you!!

The jury gasps.

PHILLIP
Ha, ha! Just kidding!

Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

PHILLIP
The defense rests.

Phillip crosses to his chair. He stops and farts on the
Prosecutor again as he passes.

SCOTT
God dammit! That isn't funny!!

JUDGE
Madame foreperson, have you reached
a verdict so we can get hell out of
here?

FOREPERSON/WOMAN
We have, your honor. We have found
Terrance, in the above entitled action
of murder against Dr. Jeffrey
O'Dwyer...

Just then, Terrance lets a huge fart rip and it drowns out
the verdict. He and Phillip roar with laughter. Everyone
looks around confused.

JUDGE
You're gonna have to repeat that
verdict because we had some flatulence
issues.

FOREPERSON/WOMAN
I said, we find Terrance...

Terrance lets another one rip. We still can't hear the
verdict. He and Phillip laugh their asses off and fart. The
forewoman screams in between farts.

FOREPERSON/WOMAN
We find Terrance... Not guilty!

Terrance hugs Phillip.

PHILLIP
Did you hear that, Terrance. You're
not guilty!

TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, you've saved me from
the GAS chamber!!

Terrance and Phillip think aboot this for a long time...
Then finally break out laughing.

PHILLIP
Oh, HA HA HA!!!

They laugh, fart and hug. Scott, the prosecuting attorney,
broods.

EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - LATER

Phillip and Terrance walk down the steps toward the parking
lot. We can see the big, Canadian flag behind them. Lots of
REPORTERS and PROTESTERS are gathered out front.

TERRANCE
That sure was fun Phillip, let's go
home and eat Kraft Dinner!

PHILLIP
Here, here!

Scott, the Prosecuting Attorney, emerges.

SCOTT
Well, looks like you got you got
away with it, Terrance and Phillip!

PHILLIP
Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings,
right ol' pal?

SCOTT
There ARE hard feelings!! THIS ISN'T
OVER!! I'M GOING TO SEE TO IT THAT
YOU BOTH PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?!?!

PHILLIP
'Cause you're a dick?

SCOTT
NO! Because I hate you! You think
farting is so funny! Well it isn't!
Fart jokes are the lowest form of
comedy, and --

Phillip farts, they laugh.

SCOTT
AGH!!! I hate you both!! I've hated
you ever since I can remember, I
hate you, and I wish you both had
cancer.

PHILLIP
Cancer?

SCOTT
Yes. In the head.

TERRANCE
Head cancer?

SCOTT
This is NOT the end TERRANCE AND
PHILLIP! YOU'LL RUE THIS DAY!!!

Scott walks away.

TERRANCE
Wow! Scott really hates us, Phillip.

PHILLIP
Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance thinks.

TERRANCE
But we're not gay, Phillip.

PHILLIP
We're not?

TERRANCE
Well, let us board the subway and
return home. There we can eat Kraft
dinner.

PHILLIP
Yes, It's been a long day. And only
Kraft dinner can calm my nerves.

INT. CANADIAN SUBWAY

Terrance and Phillip sit side by side on the subway as it
goes in and out of tunnels. Going light to dark to light
again...

Ta-chink, ta-chink, ta-chink...

Finally, Phillip rips a fart, and both Terrance and Phillip
laugh hysterically.

TERRANCE
Say Phillip, why does Scott always
try to convict me of murder? He does
it every week.

PHILLIP
He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder
what he'll try to do next?

TERRANCE
God only knows.

PHILLIP
The subway certainly is wonderful
Terrance.

TERRANCE
It sure is. Let's look for treasure.

PHILLIP
Yes, let's look for treasure.

Terrance and Phillip look around their immediate area. Half-
assedly turning over seat covers.

INT. SCOTT'S HOUSE

Scott answers his ringing phone.

SCOTT
Hello?

SADDAM
Hello, is this Scott from Canada?

SCOTT
Yes.

SADDAM
You're a journalist, right?

SCOTT
Yes, I'm a television critic for
magazines.

VOICE
I understand that you hate Terrance
and Phillip.

SCOTT
Yes, Yes I do! They think that fart
jokes are a sophisticated form of
comedy, but they're not!

VOICE
Well, what if I were to help you get
rid of them once and for all?

SCOTT
Who IS this?

VOICE
Let's just say...

INT. SADDAM'S PRESIDENTIAL PALACE

SADDAM
That I'm someone who can help you,
if you help me. Just call me your
ol' pal Saddam Hussein.

SCOTT
Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?!

SADDAM
Hey, relax guy. I'm just your average
Joe. Take a rest.

SCOTT
What do you want?

SADDAM
You want Terrance and Phillip OUT of
Canada, I want you to bring me and
my friends IN to Canada. That sounds
like a fair trade doesn't it. Super,
let's get started.

SCOTT
I'm not sure that I should trust
you.

SADDAM
Hey, relax, guy! Trust me

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

EXT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - DAY

The men walk towards their humble home.

TERRANCE
Well, it's too bad we didn't find
any treasure on the subway, Phillip.

Just then, another character who looks JUST LIKE Terrance
and Phillip walks in.

PHILLIP
Oh hello, ugly Bob.

UGLY BOB
Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.

TERRANCE
My God you're looking hideously ugly
today, Ugly Bob.

UGLY BOB
How come you guys say stuff like
that?

TERRANCE
Because you're God damned ugly, Bob.

UGLY BOB
I know, but --

PHILLIP
Ugly Bob, your face looks like
somebody tried to put out a forest
fire with a screwdriver.

UGLY BOB
I can't help how I look. Besides,
it's not what's on the outside that
matters, it's what's on the inside.

TERRANCE
No it isn't.

Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

TERRANCE
Wanna see what's on the inside of
me?

Terrance farts. They laugh.

PHILLIP
Wait, wait! I've got an idea! Why
don't you put this paper bag over
your head, Ugly Bob?

Phillip pulls out a large brown paper bag.

TERRANCE
Yes, if people can't see your face,
they won't know how wretchedly ugly
you are!

UGLY BOB
Really?

Ugly Bob puts the paper bag over his head.

UGLY BOB
Hey, thanks you guys. Maybe now I
can score with chicks.

TERRANCE
Sure you can, Ugly Bob, if they can't
see how horribly disfigured you are,
they'll want to sleep with you.

UGLY BOB
Thanks, you guys.

Ugly Bob leaves, Terrance and Phillip head into their house.

INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE

The men walk in.

PHILLIP
Hello, Barkie! Hello, Purry!

Terrance and Phillip's dog and cat bark and meow respectively.

PHILLIP
Say, Terrance, I was just aboot to
make some Kraft dinner. Would you
like some?

TERRANCE
You know I never turn down Kraft
Dinner, Phillip.

Terrance crosses the room.

TERRANCE
I'm going to go put on a pirate
costume.

The doorbell rings, Phillip answers it.

A DELIVERY MAN enters with a letter.

DELIVERY MAN
Special delivery for Terrance.

TERRANCE
I'll take that.

DELIVERY MAN
Sign here. And here. And here. And
here. And here...

Terrance signs. The Delivery Man points to another place on
a form.

DELIVERY MAN
And here.

He takes the form, gives Phillip the letter, and exits.

PHILLIP
Oh Terrance! You got a letter!

Terrance walks in.

TERRANCE
Shiver me timbers Phillip! At this
rate, I'll never get to my Kraft
dinner!

Terrance opens the letter and reads it.

TERRANCE
Oh my God!

PHILLIP
What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?

TERRANCE
No, it's Sally. She's being held
captive in Iran!

PHILLIP
Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance!
Why Sally? God, why?!

BIG MUSICAL SWELL. THEN

PHILLIP
Say, Terrance... Who's Sally?

TERRANCE
My daughter.

PHILLIP
I never knew you had a daughter,
Terrance.

TERRANCE
Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me
hearties?

PHILLIP
No, you never did, Terrance.

TERRANCE
Oh. Well, it all began fifteen years
ago...

CUT TO:

EXT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE

A TITLE reads 'FIVE HOURS LATER'.

CUT TO:

INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE

PHILLIP
My God! What a fascinating story,
Terrance! Especially the part aboot
Celine Dion.

TERRANCE
Yes, indeed. But now my little Sally
is being held captive in Iran. And I
will have to go and find her.

PHILLIP
Then I will go with you, Terrance.

TERRANCE
You are such a good friend, Phillip.

PHILLIP
Well, you know what they say; 'A
friend in need is a friend with Kraft
Dinner'.

TERRANCE
A lass there maties!

EXT. CELINE DION'S HOUSE

DING DONG -- Celine Dion answers the door.

TERRANCE
Hello, Celine Dion.

CELINE DION
Terrance. This is quite a surprise.

TERRANCE
You're looking well.

CELINE DION
And you.

TERRANCE
Celine, where is our daughter Sally?

CELINE DION
She's in the middle east, studying
Anthropology, why?

TERRANCE
Wrong. She's been taken hostage, and
is now being held prisoner.

CELINE DION
What?!

TERRANCE
Phillip and I are going to Iran to
find her, but we may never return.

CELINE DION
Oh Terrance, what happened to us?

TERRANCE
We just grew apart Celine Dion.

CELINE DION
Please bring our daughter home safe,
Terrance.

Terrance farts.

TERRANCE
Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

INT. CANADIAN AIRPORT

Terrance and Phillip walk up to the airport ticket counter.

PHILLIP
Hello, Ugly Bob.

Bob is behind the ticket counter with the bag on his head.

UGLY BOB
Hi guys.

TERRANCE
How's the paper bag working out?

UGLY BOB
People seem to really like it. I
even have a date this Friday.

TERRANCE
Terrific. We need two tickets for
Teheran, please.

UGLY BOB
Iran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't
go there.

PHILLIP
(slamming the desk)
Dammit, man! Danger or no, I'm going
to help my friend find his daughter!!!

Terrance laughs in the background.

UGLY BOB
Alright, then, there's a flight
leaving today.

PHILLIP
Oh, good...

Bob types up the ticket on his computer.

PHILLIP
Well, I certainly am going to miss
Canada, Terrance.

TERRANCE
Indeed, Phillip.

PHILLIP
Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran...
Please bring my body back to Canada
and bury it in a box with a side of
Kraft dinner.

TERRANCE
Same here, Phillip.

PHILLIP
(singing)
Oh Canada! Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons
command.

Now Terrance joins in.

TERRANCE
(singing)
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

Now ugly Bob, and some people next to him join in.

UGLY BOB
(singing)
From far and wide, O Canada, We stand
on guard for thee.

Now absolutely everyone in the airport stops what they're
doing, stands up, and joins in.

EVERYONE
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Now Scott leans in from behind a wall.

SCOTT
Scott to Red Dragon. Come in Red
Dragon.

INT. STRANGE ROOM

Saddam Hussein is sitting at his desk with a couple of guards.

SADDAM
Go ahead gug. This is Red Dragon.

SCOTT
The plan is working perfectly.
Terrance and Phillip have taken the
bait.

SADDAM
Excellent. My buddies and I are ready
to come to Canada, has everything
been arranged?

INT. CANADIAN AIRPORT

SCOTT
Yes. Everything's proceeding according
to plan. Now you promised that when
Terrance and Phillip arrive they
will be ripped into pieces and shot
several times.

SADDAM
Hey, relax guy! I'm gonna keep my
side of the bargain!

SCOTT
Roger, red dragon. Scott out.
(under his breath)
I've got you now, you fart loving
fart lovers...

INSERT - WORLD MAP

We see a map of the World. With Indiana Jones type music
playing, a red line shows the path of the airplane.

We watch as the line leaves it's home in Canada (The map
says only Canada) and slowly makes its way towards Iran.

Meanwhile, we HEAR Terrance and Phillip FARTING and LAUGHING
during the long trip.

EXT. IRAN

Terrance and Phillip walk down the crowded, insane Iranian
streets.

TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, how will I ever find my
fugitive daughter in this daunting
place? We don't speak the language,
we are unwelcome strangers, and we
have no idea where to begin!

They walk a little further.

TERRANCE
Oh look, there she is.

In the midst of Iranian people, little Sally, who is white,
stands out like a sore thumb.

PHILLIP
Oh, good.

They walk over to Sally.

SALLY
Who? Where?

TERRANCE
I'm here, Sally. It's your father,
Terrance. I'm here to save you from
your smelly Iranian captors.

SALLY
Papa!

Terrance and Sally hug.

PHILLIP
Say, she looks a lot more like Celine
Dion than you, Terrance.

Sally rips a fart and laughs.

PHILLIP
OH, NOW I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!!

TERRANCE
Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.

EXT. PLANE

We see the plane heading back the other way.

EXT. CANADIAN AIRPORT

TERRANCE
Well, now that I have my bastard
daughter back, I feel like going
back to Celine Dion's house and asking
her to marry me again.

PHILLIP
Oh Raspberries, looks like I'm losing
a friend.

TERRANCE
No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.

PHILLIP
OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS?!?!

Terrance and Phillip look around, and see that Canada has
completely changed.

Most everything has been colored red, and large paintings of
Saddam Hussein hang everywhere.

PHILLIP
Is this Canada?

TERRANCE
It seems to have changed...

PHILLIP
THIS IS MADNESS!!!

DRAMATIC MUSIC.

ACT II

EXT. CANADA - DAY

Terrance and Phillip walk down a Canadian street, where most
of the buildings have been painted red. Huge framed pictures
of Saddam are everywhere.

TERRANCE
What's going on, Terrance? How could
Canada have changed so much whilst
we were gone?

PHILLIP
I don't know, Terrance. And who is
that smelly person in all these
pictures?

TERRANCE
I must take my bastard daughter back
to Celine Dion, and she what she has
to say.

Terrance and Phillip walk up to Celine's door and knock.

TERRANCE
Celine, I've brought our daughter
Sally back. And I want to tell you
that --

CELINE DION
Terrance... Uh... Could you come
back a little later?

PHILLIP
Why?

CELINE DION
Uh... I'm just a little busy right
now...

TERRANCE
You've got a MAN over, don't you
Celine Dion!!

CELINE DION
Well, I --

Ugly Bob walks up to the door. The brown paper bag is still
on his head.

UGLY BOB
Hi guys.

PHILLIP
Oh my God! It's Ugly Bob!!

TERRANCE
What the hell are you doing here?!

UGLY BOB
I'm doing Celine Dion, what's it
look like?

TERRANCE
Oh Celine Dion, what have you done?!
I was going to make us a family again
but now you've slept with ugly Bob!

CELINE DION
What do you mean? Why are you calling
him 'Ugly Bob'?

PHILLIP
Because that's his name, you stupid
bitch!

CELINE DION
(to Bob)
You told me your name was Handsome
Bob.

TERRANCE
Look at him, Celine Dion!

Terrance grabs the paper bag and rips it off. Bob still looks
just like Terrance and Phillip.

CELINE DION
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHHH!!!!

As Celine screams, there is a Hitchcock perspective zoom on
her face.

PHILLIP
Behold his horrible face!!

CELINE DION
OH MY GOD!! HE IS HEINOUSLY UGLY!!
AND I AM PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD!!!

TERRANCE
WHAT?! NOOOoooo!!

CELINE DION
I'm going to have a freak baby!!

PHILLIP
Oh, the humanity!!

INT. STRANGE ROOM

Saddam is sitting at his desk. Scott walks in.

SCOTT
Hey Saddam, you helped me get rid of
Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate
that... But why are framed pictures
of you going up all over Canada?

SADDAM
Huh? Oh, that. Don't worry guy, you
just need a rest.

SCOTT
No I don't need a rest! I want to
know what this is all aboot!

SADDAM
Hey, relax fella, I'm just making it
so that Terrance and Phillip can
never come back to Canada again. I
just need a couple of things, and
then I'm gonna head back to Iran.

SCOTT
I thought you were from Iraq.

SADDAM
Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the
difference? Relax, guy.

Scott thinks.

INT. CANADIAN STREET - DAY

A huge, Iraqi army marches past Terrance and Phillip.

Terrance farts, and they laugh merrily.

TERRANCE
Phillip, I'm convinced that something
very very not good is happening to
Canada.

PHILLIP
Yes, I agree whole fartledly.

Just then Scott walks up.

SCOTT
Hey! What the hell are you guys doing
here?

TERRANCE
Oh, hello Scott.

SCOTT
You're not supposed to be here! You're
supposed to be in Iran looking for
your kidnapped -- Uh... I mean, uh...
How are you today?

PHILLIP
Wait, what were you saying?

SCOTT
Nothing. Why?

TERRANCE
Hey Scott, guess what?

SCOTT
What?

Terrance farts.

SCOTT
Ah! I hate you more you more than
ever Terrance and Phillip! I
absolutely abhor you both!

Scott holds both his hands towards Phillip.

PHILLIP
What are you doing, Scott?

SCOTT
I'm wishing cancer upon you.

PHILLIP
Cancer?

SCOTT
That's right! I'm trying to give you
cancer with my mind.

TERRANCE
Agh! Stop that!

Terrance tries to hide behind Phillip.

PHILLIP
Hey! Don't give me cancer!

INT. STRANGE ROOM

Some American Generals come in (*NOTE - Since the generals
are American, they should be drawn in South Park style).

GENERAL
Mr. Hussein, the U.S. government is
becoming worried.

SADDAM
Worried? About what? Take a load
off. Relax.

GENERAL
You seem to be... Taking over Canada.

SADDAM
Taking over Canada? Me? Hey, you
need a rest fella. I'm not hiding
any bombs!

GENERAL
We didn't say anything about bombs.

SADDAM
Oh... You didn't? Hey, relax.

GENERAL
We're giving you just three years to
clear your forces out of Canada.
After that, we're going to bomb all
of Iran.

SADDAM
I'm from Iraq.

GENERAL
Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?

The Americans leave.

IRAQI SOLDIER
OOH! I HATE AMERICANS!!! PLEASE LET
ME KILL THEM!!!

SADDAM
No, no, you need to relax, guy.
Remember the plan, first we take
over Canada, then we'll have the
best of the Female Pop Vocalists.
After that, we'll take over the U.S.,
then Europe, Then China, Then
Newfoundland, THEN THE WORLD!!!!!

Saddam laughs maniacally. Suddenly, Scott barges in.

SCOTT
What's so funny?

SADDAM
Nothing. Relax, buddy.

SCOTT
Saddam! Terrance and Phillip are
back in Canada!

SADDAM
Oh, really?

SCOTT
You promised me they'd be gone for
good! That was your part of the
bargain!

SADDAM
I changed my mind. Pray that I don't
change it any further.

Dramatic music. Scott looks afraid, and steps out.

SCOTT
This deal is getting worse all the
time.

INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - DAY

PHILLIP
Hey, Terrance let's watch American
television!

TERRANCE
Yes! We can get satellite feed from
the U.S. and watch all of their stupid
T.V. shows!

Phillip hits the remote control.

PHILLIP
Oh look, here's a show --

It's Jerry Springer.

PHILLIP
God damn their TV shows are lame!

He changes the station to 'South Park.'

PHILLIP
Look at their silly American heads!

TERRANCE
They look like groundhogs!

He changes the station to CNN.

NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news, it appears that
Saddam Hussein has finally signed an
agreement to let the US inspect his
military operations. When asked if
he would uphold his side of the
agreement, Hussein replied, quote
'Hey, relax fella, you need a rest,
guy'.

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, isn't that the smelly
gentleman we've seen in pictures all
over town?

PHILLIP
Yes it is, Terrance. According to
that newsy, he's some kind of Turkish
dictator!

TERRANCE
Well we can't just sit here and eat
Kraft Dinner and let Canada been
overrun by the Turks.

Just then, the phone rings.

PHILLIP
That fart sounded just like a ringing
phone Terrance.

TERRANCE
It sure did Phillip.

The phone rings again.

TERRANCE
Oh wait, that is the phone. Hello?

SCOTT
Terrance, this is Scott.

TERRANCE
Oh.
(to Phillip)
Hey, it's Scott.

PHILLIP
Tell him he's a smelly bastard.

TERRANCE
Phillip says hello, Scott.

SCOTT
Just shut up and listen. You've
unleashed a monster onto Canada and
only you can get rid of him. Even
though I hate you, and I wish you
had cancer.

TERRANCE
You are such a dick, Scott.

SCOTT
YOU'RE a dick.

TERRANCE
YOU'RE a dick.

SCOTT
YOU'RE a dick.

TERRANCE
YOU'RE a dick.

SCOTT
...

TERRANCE
...

SCOTT
YOU'RE a dick.

TERRANCE
YOU'RE a dick.

SCOTT
The two of you are the most annoying
dicks in Canada! You give other
Canadians a bad name... and if I
had...

TERRANCE
Oh, I'm sorry Scott, could you hold
on a minute?

SCOTT
Sure.

Terrance puts the phone down to his ass and blows a huge
fart into it.

Scott reacts as if it hurt his ear.

Back on the phone --

TERRANCE
Ahhh!! How do you like that, Scott?!

SCOTT
You son of a bitch! I'll get you if
it's the --

TERRANCE
Oh, wait, I have another call, Scott,
can you hang on?

SCOTT
Sure.

Terrance again puts the phone to his ass and blows a huge
fart.

PHILLIP
OHH!! That was Sir Smelley! He says
hello!!

SCOTT
GOD DAMMIT!!

TERRANCE
Oh, wait a second, Scott.

SCOTT
Sure... I mean No! You listen to me!
If you want to save Canada, you'll
meet me at Karl's Kraft Dinner
Restaurant in half an hour.

Click. Scott hangs up.

EXT. CELINE DION'S HOUSE - DAY

Celine and Ugly Bob are lying in bed, smoking. Ugly Bob still
has a paper bag over his head.

CELINE DION
Oh, ugly Bob... I'm so confused. I
love your personality, but you are
so wretchedly ugly.

UGLY BOB
Maybe the baby will have your face
instead of mine.

CELINE DION
We can only hope... I suppose we'll
be okay, as long as you keep that
bag on your head.

Suddenly, there is horrible commotion. A group of Iranian
soldiers break into the room. Saddam follows close behind.

CELINE DION
What's this?!

SADDAM
Hey, there. My name's Saddam. I'm a
big fan of Polo. I've been searching
a long time for you Celine Dion.

UGLY BOB
Oh no you don't! She's my bitch!

SADDAM
Who are you?

UGLY BOB
I'm Bob. But my friends call me ugly
Bob, because I have the features of
a deformed burn victim.

SADDAM
Really? I thought all Canadians looked
alike. Let me see...

Ugly Bob lifts his paper bag. Everyone in the room screams
horribly. Even Celine Dion.

SADDAM
Wow, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I
could cure that face of yours.

UGLY BOB
You could?

SADDAM
Sure, I just need a favor. There's a
Canadian football game tomorrow. The
Ottawa Roughriders against the
Vancouver Roughriders. It's at that
game that I will officially turn the
Canadian flag over to my Iranian
one.

CELINE DION
What? Why?!

SADDAM
Hey, don't worry about that. Take a
load off. Don't think about it. Look
over here. All I need is for Celine
Dion to sing our Iranian National
Anthem at the game, to finalize my
hostile takeover of Canada. What'dya
say?

UGLY BOB
Did you say hostile takeover of
Canada?

SADDAM
No, no, relax there, fella.

EXT. CANADA - KARL'S KRAFT DINNER PALACE - DAY

Terrance and Phillip are waiting in front of the Palace.

TERRANCE
Well, Scott said to meet him here,
but now he's not showing up.

Phillip farts, they laugh.

PHILLIP
Well, while we're waiting, why don't
we search for treasure?

TERRANCE
Oh, good idea! Let's search for
treasure!

Terrance and Phillip again look around their immediate area
for treasure. But find none.

Finally, Scott walks up.

SCOTT
What are you idiots doing?

TERRANCE
We're looking for treasure!

SCOTT
Is that some kind of metaphor for a
kind of search that can't be
described?

Terrance and Phillip think.

PHILLIP
No... We're searching for treasure.

SCOTT
Listen, I have an inside scoop.
There's an Iraqi dictator who is
quietly and slowly taking over Canada.

TERRANCE
Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly. We saw
him on the tele.

SCOTT
Well, what are you two gonna do aboot
it?

PHILLIP
What do you mean?

SCOTT
It's YOUR fault that he's here! YOU
brought the Iraquis back with you on
your plane when you rescued your
kidnapped daughter.

Terrance and Phillip GASP!

PHILLIP
You mean WE are to blame?!

SCOTT
That's right, and now you must make
amends. Tomorrow Saddam will try to
finalize his takeover of Canada at
the Roughriders/Roughriders football
game. All his soldiers will be there.
It will be your only shot at wiping
them all out. Here, take this.

PHILLIP
What is it?

SCOTT
It's a bomb. You must strap it to
yourselves, go to the game, and
sacrifice your lives to take out
Saddam's minions.

TERRANCE
That sounds scary.

SCOTT
Well, you must do it, for Canada.

PHILLIP
For Canada, Terrance.

TERRANCE
For Canada, Phillip.

Terrance and Phillip walk away, and Scott is left alone.

SCOTT
Yes... Yes... Terrance and Phillip.
And when the dust has settled, Canada
will be rid of both the Iraqis...
AND your immature fart humor!

DRAMATIC MUSIC.

ACT III

INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Terrance and Phillip are sitting on their couch.

TERRANCE
Well, Phillip I am very sad that we
have to die for Canada.

PHILLIP
Yes, this bomb will blow us both to
smithereens. But we really have no
choice. Only our deaths can bring
Canada life.

Terrance farts. They laugh.

PHILLIP
Wait a minute... Terrance that fart
gives me pause...

TERRANCE
Why is that?

PHILLIP
That smelly Saddam Hussein, he uses
germ and chemical warfare, does he
not?

TERRANCE
Yes, apparently he does.

PHILLIP
Terrance, get the phone book! We
must call every Canadian we can!

TERRANCE
Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have
an idea.

PHILLIP
I do Terrance
(picking up the phone)

EXT. CANADIAN FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY

We see the last play of the second quarter.

ANNOUNCER
And the Roughriders are really giving
the Roughriders a run for their money.
All else aside, I must say the
Roughriders are simply out matched
by these Roughriders.

The play ends. The clock runs out. The referee blows his
whistle.

ANNOUNCER
And that's going to take us to
halftime. Be sure to stick around
for the halftime show, Saddam and
the Electric Iraqi's in a salute to
hostile takeovers.

Terrance and Phillip are sitting in the stands.

TERRANCE
Well, I guess it's time, old friend.

PHILLIP
Yes... Prepare the alert!

A lame marching band takes to the field. They are cheesy and
gay.

A quick stage is made, where Saddam and his friends appear.

SADDAM
Hello to my Canadian friends.
Everybody relax, take a rest, put
your feet up, those dogs are barking.

The audience looks confused.

SADDAM
You may have noticed some changes to
your country. Don't worry about that,
the changes will continue. I am here
to announce once and for all --

ZOOM IN on Saddam.

SADDAM
THAT CANADA WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS NEW
BAGHDAD! KOO LOOK KA LOOK!!

Iraqi guards lower the Canadian flags and raise Iraqi flags
in their place.

The audience GASPS!

SADDAM
YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO ME AS YOUR
RULER!! YOU WILL OBEY MY LAWS OR YOU
WILL BE KILLED!!! HA HA HAAH HAA!!

Celine Dion and Ugly Bob take the stage.

SADDAM
AND NOW YOU WILL SING THE IRAQI
NATIONAL ANTHEM -- OR YOU WILL BE
STABBED IN HEAD!!!

Celine walks up to the mic and starts to sing.

CELINE DION
(sadly)
Shtood makalek svtdot inka inka
broost...

MUSIC starts. A guard puts the tip of his gun in Celine's
back and makes her take the stage.

TERRANCE
Now, Phillip?

PHILLIP
Now, Terrance!!

Terrance and Phillip pull out gas masks. Terrance put a mighty
Canadian Horn to his lips.

Terrance blows the horn. Brrr ba ba BRRR!!!!

Suddenly, every audience member in the stadium puts on a gas
mask.

SADDAM
What the hell is this?

CELINE DION
(still singing)
barak a shtood, kalak a shtood...

Now all the audience members, with their gas masks, bend
over and point their asses at the field.

With one mighty ROAR all of the Canadians FART!! Blowing hot
noxious gas onto the Iraqis.

SADDAM
(Choking)
NOOOO!!!!

GUARD
They're using chemical warfare! How
could they?!

Just then Celine Dion and Ugly Bob put on their gas masks.

They fart along with everyone else. Until the entire stadium
is one big smelly dust cloud.

Terrance and Phillip, meanwhile, are laughing their asses
off at all the farts.

Finally all the dust settles, the air clears, and we see
that all the Iraqis lie dead or near death on the field.

All the Canadians remove their gas masks and celebrate by
cheering and jumping up and down.

TERRANCE
WE DID IT, PHILLIP! WE'VE DESTROYED
THE TURKS!!

PHILLIP
OH GLORIOUS DAY!!

Everybody happily takes to the field.

Terrance and Celine Dion embrace. 'Don't you forget about
me' from the Breakfast Club starts to play.

CELINE DION
Terrance! Terrance! You've saved
Canada!

TERRANCE
Oh, it was all Phillip's idea!

UGLY BOB
God bless you, Phillip.

PHILLIP
Don't touch me, ugly Bob.

Just then Scott walks up.

SCOTT
What the hell happened! You were
supposed to be blown up!

PHILLIP
We came up with a better plan. You
see Scott, after all your criticism
it was farting that saved Canada!

SCOTT
Oh! That is SO JUVENILE!!!

TERRANCE
Hey Scott, do you like apples?

SCOTT
Of course.

Terrance farts a huge wet one of Scott's head.

TERRANCE
How do you like THEM apples?!

Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

SCOTT
I HATE YOU TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!!

TERRANCE
Oh, Celine Dion... You never finished
that National Anthem.

CELINE DION
You're right Terrance, You're right...

Celine steps up to the mic and sings:

CELINE DION
OH CANADA! OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND!
TRUE PATRIOT LOVE IN ALL OUR SONS
COMMAND!!

EVERYONE
WITH GLOWING HEARTS WE SEE THE RISE
OUR TRUE LOVE STRONG AND FREE. WITH
GLOWING HEARTS OH CANADA WE STAND ON
GUARD FOR THE. GOD KEEP OUR LAND
GLORIOUS AND FREE OH CANADA WE STAND
ON GUARD FOR THEE. OH CANADA WE STAND
ON GUARD FOR THEE.

THE END

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