"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 105

"AN ELEPHANT MAKES LOVE TO A PIG"

by

Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Dan Sterling



EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

The boys patiently wait for the bus.

CARTMAN
Hey Stan, where'd you get that black
eye?

STAN
Nothing... I mean, I mean, nowhere.

CARTMAN
Your sister beat you up again, huh?

STAN
NO!

CARTMAN
(laughing)
Yup, your sister kicked your ass.

STAN
She's just pissed off 'cause she got
head gear at the dentist. She's taking
it out on me.

KYLE
Yeah, but that sucks you get your
butt kicked by a girl Stan.

CARTMAN
I would NEVER let a woman kick my
ass! If she tried anything, I'd be
like 'HEY! You get your bitch ass
back in the kitchen and make me some
pie!!'

STAN
My parents don't even believe that
she beats me up. They think she's
all innocent and sweet. But I know
that she's an evil bitch.

CARTMAN
Be a man, Stan. Just say 'HEY WOMAN!
YOU, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE
BABIES!'

Stan rolls his eyes.

STAN
Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?

ZOOM OUT to reveal that Kyle has a full-grown African Elephant
on a leash.

KYLE
You mean this one?

STAN
Yeah.

KYLE
He's my new pet elephant.

CARTMAN
Whoa, dude, where'd you get a pet
elephant?

KYLE
I got it mail order from Africa. The
ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks,
but it only took three.

STAN
Wow, that's cool!

KYLE
No it's not cool! My mom won't let
me keep him in the house. She says
he's too big. And that its poop is
bigger than our couch.

CARTMAN
That's why MY mom got ME a pot bellied
pig. 'Cause it's poop is small.

Cartman gestures with his hands.

KENNY
Mmmh mph mhhph mmmam nmmm.

KYLE
Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart
like elephants.

The bus pulls up to pick up the kids. The door flies open
and Mrs. Crabtree spots Kyle's Elephant.

MS. CRABTREE
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS THAT
THING?!

Kyle and Stan look at each other.

KYLE
(Whispering)
Uh, oh this is the new retarded kid.

The elephant blinks.

MS. CRABTREE
Oh, I'm sorry, little girl...
(Pause)
But you still can't get on. You have
to take the special Ed bus.

WHIP PAN to the special Ed. bus. A little bus filled with
handicapped children (*NOTE -- This is REALLY funny.)

KYLE
Boy, it looks like you're not welcome
anywhere elephant. See ya.

The boys get on the bus, leaving the elephant behind.

CARTMAN
If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd
say 'HEY! YOU GO DO MY LAUNDRY And...

MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN, KID!!

CARTMAN
Yes, ma'am.

INT. SCHOOL - DAY

The boys are in class.

MR. GARRISON
And now, children, our friend Mr.
Hat is going to tell us all about
Genetic Engineering.

MR. HAT
That's right, Mr. Garrison, Genetic
Engineering is an exciting new
science. You can splice the DNA from
some animals and make them better.

Kyle seems incredibly intrigued.

KYLE
Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON
Yes, Kyle.

KYLE
With genetic engineering, can you
make a elephant smaller?

MR. GARRISON
Well uh... Yes I suppose you could.

You could splice elephant genes with a dog or cat or pot
bellied pig genes.

KYLE
That's it! I'm going to combine my
elephant with a pot-bellied pig and
make... POT BELLIED ELEPHANTS!

The class gasps.

KYLE
They'd be smart like elephants but
small like pigs!

STAN
That'd be cool!

BEBE
I wanna pot-bellied elephant!

PIP
Yes, I'll pay $50 for one.

Terrance, ungroomed and nerdy, pipes up.

TERRANCE
That's stupid!

KYLE
Shut up Terrance, we can genetical
engineer anything we want.

TERRANCE
Oh yea! I bet I can genetically clone
a WHOLE HUMAN BEING before you
crossbreed an elephant and a pig.

KYLE
I bet you can't!

TERRANCE
Watch me plebeian!

MR. GARRISON
Well, spank my ass and call me
Charlie. Isn't this exciting, two A+
students in a cloning war!

MR. HAT
Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering
let's us correct God's horrible,
horrible mistakes... like German
people. You know you boys might want
to visit the genetic engineering
ranch outside of town for some help.
And you could both use this for your
science fair projects next month.

The bell RINGS. The kids all pile out the door.

KYLE
Genetic engineering ranch?! Sweet!

STAN
Wait, wait, we still need a pig.

KYLE
We can use Cartman's pig.

Cartman's eyes bulge.

CARTMAN
Hey!! You leave Fluffy out of this!

KYLE
We're not gonna hurt her. We just
need some of her blood.

CARTMAN
You're not using any of Fluffy's
blood! Else I'll kick you in the
nuts.

Kyle and Kenny leave.

CARTMAN
Kyle... Kyle! No!

Cartman storms off. Stan starts to follow him but Mr. Garrison
stops him.

MR. GARRISON
Uh, uh Stanley, Can I talk to you
for a minute?

STAN
Okay...

MR. GARRISON
I couldn't help but notice that black
eye you have. Are there problems at
home?

STAN
(hanging his head)
Yes.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, dear... Here, Stanly, sit down,
have some cocoa, and tell your friend
Mr. Hat all about it.

Garrison pours some hot cocoa and hands it to Stan gently.

MR. HAT
I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You
can tell me ANYTHING. Now, who hits
you? Is it your father or your mother?

STAN
Oh, neither, it's my sister.

Mr. Garrison pulls Mr. Hat away.

MR. GARRISON
Your sister? Oh, for Pete's sake,
don't be such a little wuss! Stop
wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy
little foo foo problems... and give
me back my cocoa!

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Stan opens the door slowly. He peeks his head in.

After he sees the coast is clear, he steps in and closes the
door behind him. When he turns around, his big sister, SHELLEY
stands looming over him.

SHELLEY
Hey!

STAN
Hi Shelley.

SHELLEY
Are you looking at my head gear?

STAN
Head gear? What head gear?

SHELLEY
Are you looking at my head gear?

STAN
Oh, gosh. I didn't really notice.

Shelly moves towards Stan.

SHELLEY
You little liar!

STAN
No! I think it looks terrific! It
matches your --

Shelley picks him up and starts whacking him against the
wall. Stan howls! She hurls him toward the basement stairs
and we hear SCREAMS and a THUD-THUD-THUD CRASH.

A bruised, mangled Stan comes crawling up the stairs on his
hands and knees.

Shelly picks him up again and throws him out the front window.
The glass CRASHES and he lands out on the front lawn where
Kyle, Kenny and Cartman stand waiting.

KYLE
Ready to go Stan?

Stan looks up from the broken glass.

STAN
Go where?

KYLE
To the genetical engineering ranch!
We got Cartman's pig so we can splice
its genes with my elephant.

CARTMAN
NOBODY'S SPLICING NOTHING FROM
FLUFFY!!

Kyle helps Stan up.

SHELLEY
I swear I'm going to kill you Stan!

KYLE
Why is your sister so mean to you,
dude?

CARTMAN
Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to
kick my ass I'd be all like, 'HEY,
LISTEN MISSY!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO
KNIT ME A SWEATER BEFORE I SLAP YOU
IN THE FACE!!!!'

SHELLEY (O.S.)
Who said that?!

The kids all look toward the house, scared. Cartman points
at Kenny. Kenny's eyes pop.

EXT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT

The boys stand outside an ominous building, Kyle with his
elephant and Cartman with his pig. The sign out front reads
"SOUTH PARK GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH." Below, in smaller
letters, it reads "Splicin' n' Dicin' fresh DNA since 1965."

They stare at the building. Thunder and lightning crash.

KYLE
This must be it.

CARTMAN
Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess
we should come back some other time.

KYLE
No Cartman! We're going in there and
splicing Fluffy and my elephant
together.

Fluffy whines a little.

CARTMAN
It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them
hurt you.

KYLE
It's just a stupid pig.

STAN
Yeah, quit being such a baby.

CARTMAN
Baby? Well, at least I don't get my
ass kicked by a girl!

Kenny laughs.

STAN
Least I'm not a little pig-#$%@er!

CARTMAN
AY!! I'm taking my pig and screw you
guys, I'm going home. This whole
idea is stupid anyway!

KYLE
What the hell would you know, you
fat sweaty mongoloid!? You never get
higher than a D!

CARTMAN
AY!! Why don't you go back to San
Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!

KYLE
There's no Jews in San Francisco you
retard!!! --

CARTMAN
I'll kick you in the nuts!!

The door suddenly FLIES open and Mr. Mephesto stands there.

MR. MEPHESTO
Can I help you?

The boys reel back in fear from Mephesto's presence.

KYLE
Uh... Yeah... We want to cross breed
an elephant with a pig.

MR. MEPHESTO
Brilliant idea! Huge, elephant-sized
pigs!

KYLE
No no no, we want to make little
potbellied elephants that people can
keep in their houses as pets!

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh, that's an even better idea! Come
on in!

INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT

The boys follow Mephesto through the creepy lab.

MR. MEPHESTO
I'm so pleased that you children are
interested in genetic engineering...

CARTMAN
It's okay fluffy... Nobody's going
to hurt you...

MR. MEPHESTO
It's thanks to the wonder of genetic
engineering that soon there will be
an end to hunger, disease, pollution,
even war. I've created things that
will change the world for the better --
(pointing)
-- For instance, here is a monkey
with four asses.

In a cage is a medium sized monkey with four asses that looks
pissed off.

KYLE
(To Stan)
How does that make the world better?

Stan shrugs. Mephesto shows them more pissed-off animals.

MR. MEPHESTO
And here, of course, is my four-assed
ostrich, and my four-assed mongoose.

The Boys look increasingly confused.

STAN
Do you have anything besides just
animals with four asses?

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh, well, I suppose so... Ah yes,
over here --

Mephesto points to some odd-looking animals.

MR. MEPHESTO
Here I have rats spliced with ducks...
And gorillas spliced with mosquitos.
And here I have rabbits spliced with
fish to make little bunny fish!!

In a tank, four fish with bunny ears swim around. Cartman
looks at them closely and notices that the bunny ears have
little strings attached to them.

CARTMAN
Hey... These bunny ears are tied on
with little strings!

MR. MEPHESTO
And over here is swiss cheese spliced
with chalk... And a beard.

The boys look at the bearded swiss cheese with chalk.

KYLE
Well what about our pot-bellied
elephant?

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh... well I'm sorry children, but
pig and elephant DNA just won't
splice. Haven't you ever heard that
song by Loverboy?

KYLE
Which song is that?

MR. MEPHESTO
"Da'n Do-A, Pig and Elephant D-N-A
Just Won't Splice?".

The kids look at each other.

MR. MEPHESTO
However maybe I could help you add a
few asses to that swine of yours.

CARTMAN
You can keep your hands off of
Fluffy's ass!

Suddenly, Mr. Mephesto grabs a syringe and SHOVES it into
Stan's arm and takes a blood sample.

MR. MEPHESTO
You know it's amazing what we can do
with a little blood sample these
days.

STAN
-- Ow!

Mephesto quickly hides the syringe behind his back.

MR. MEPHESTO
Hmm? What? Oh excuse me.

KYLE
Wait, what are you taking Stan's
blood for?

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh, pardon me, I tripped. Could I
have some hair please?

Mephesto reaches for Stan's head.

KYLE
Watch out Stan, genetic engineers
are crazy!!!

CARTMAN
Come on Fluffy!!!

The kids scramble out the door, knocking Mephesto down.

1ST COMMERCIAL BREAK

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The boys are on line for food. A little English boy, dressed
in knickers and a hat gets in line behind the boys.

CARTMAN
Oh, I sure am hungry.

PIP
'Allo gentlemen. Any of you blokes
know what's for lunch today? Lunchie
munchies Hmmm?

CARTMAN
Go away, Pip, nobody likes you.

STAN
Yeah, what kind of name is Pip,
anyway?

PIP
Well, my father's family name being
Pirrip and my Christian name Phillip,
my infant tongue --

CARTMAN
God Damnit would you shut the hell
up?! Nobody gives a rat's ass.

STAN
Yeah, go away Pip.

PIP
Right-o.

Pip leaves.

CARTMAN
God, French people piss me off.

TERRANCE
Hey dumbasses!

The Boys turn around to see Terrance and the gang.

TERRANCE
You morons give up on your stupid
science fair project yet?

KYLE
No, we're already half-way done!

TERRANCE
Half-way?
(laughing)
Then all you've got is a stupid pig!

NERDS
Yeah a gay pig too! Stupid gay pig.

KYLE
It's more than you've got.

TERRANCE
Wrong! We've already got our human
clone well underway!

Fosse unveils... a human foot! He places it on the floor and
it starts walking around.

KYLE
Oh my God! They cloned a foot!

CARTMAN
Hey, I'll kick your ass.

TERRANCE
By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole
human being. Good luck with your
stupid little pig.

The nerds walk away, laughing.

CHEF
Hello there, children.

STAN
Hey, Chef.

CHEF
How're you doing?

KYLE & STAN
Bad.

CHEF
Why bad?

KYLE
We need to genetically engineer a
pig and an elephant, but their genes
won't splice.

CHEF
Aw, of course they wont splice
children. Haven't you ever heard
that song by Loverboy. "Da'n Do-A,
Pig and Elephant D-N-A Just Won't
Splice.

The boys look confused.

CHEF
A pig-elephant? Say, now that's a
not a bad idea.

KYLE
I told you guys.

CHEF
Imagine, a pint-sized elephant that
you could keep in the house...
Children, we could make a fortune
with this!

KYLE
You hear that, dudes? We'll be rich!

CHEF
But forget all that genetic
engineerwhoosa-fudge... If you want
to combine a pig and an elephant,
just get them to make sweet love.

CARTMAN
What?!

STAN
I don't think an elephant would make
love to a pig.

CARTMAN
(insulted)
I don't think my pig would wanna
make love to that stupid elephant!!

CHEF
Sure they would... But you're gonna
have to get 'em in the mood.

STAN
Well how do we do that?

CHEF
Do what I do... get 'em good and
drunk.

EXT. BUS STOP - DAY

The boys get off the bus.

STAN
Hey, uh you guys wanna come over to
my house?

KYLE
We've got work to do Stan. I think
it takes a while for an elephant to
get drunk.

STAN
Really? You guys don't want to come
over just for a little bit?

CARTMAN
Why, your sister gonna kick your ass
again?

STAN
Shut up Cartman!

KENNY
Mprh mmprh nmph!

KYLE
Yeah Stan, she's just a girl.

CARTMAN
Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my
ass I'd be like 'HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
STOP DRESSING ME UP LIKE A MAILMAN
AND MAKING ME DANCE FOR YOU WHILE
YOU GO AND SMOKE CRACK IN YOUR BEDROOM
AND HAVE SEX WITH SOME GUY I DON'T
EVEN KNOW ON MY DADS BED!"

Kyle turns around to face Stan.

STAN
Cartman, what the hell are you talking
about?

CARTMAN
I'm just saying you're just a little
wuss. That's all.

KYLE
Stan, you can use family love as a
weapon against Shelley. The next
time she's going to kick your ass
just tell her 'Shelley, you're my
sister and I love you.'

KENNY
Mph mph mph.

STAN
Sick dude! She's my sister!

KYLE
Try it. We'll see you in a while,
we've got to go get Cartman's pig.

CARTMAN
No you don't gotta get Cartman's
pig. You leave Fluffy out of this!

KYLE
Come on Kenny!

Kyle walks off with Kenny.

CARTMAN
Kyle NO!! Seriously!! NO ELEPHANT IS
GOING TO MAKE LOVE TO MY FLUFFY.
Kyle I would kick you in the nuts.

Cartman storms off leaving Stan alone.

STAN
Crap.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Stan timidly enters the living room. She has her head gear
on, and now, in addition, an extremely unsightly back brace.

SHELLEY
Are you staring at my neck brace?

STAN
No. I mean yes, I mean, what neck
brace?

Shelley wraps her hands around Stan's throat, ready to pummel,
when Stan recalls Kyle's advice.

STAN
Shelley, before you beat my face
into a bloody pulp again, I just
want you to know that -- that you're
my sister, and -- I love you.

Shelley's face is taken over by a quizzical look. Stan looks
hopeful, believing he might just have reached her.

Suddenly Shelley's eyebrows turn sharply downward.

THWACK! Shelley bitch-slaps Stan clear across the room, then
starts beating him furiously.

STAN
OW! Someday, Shelley, I'm gonna be
bigger than you, and you're gonna
wish you'd never done any of this to
me.

SHELLEY
You'll never be bigger than me, Stan.
NEVER!

INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - NIGHT

Mr. Mephesto looks into a giant INCUBATOR.

MR. MEPHESTO
Beautiful! It's absolutely beautiful!!

PULL BACK TO REVEAL a strange larva growing. Through the
larva casing, we can make out a large, embryonic form, clad
in a familiar blue hat with a red pompom.

MR. MEPHESTO
My son, I think we've finally done
it!

PAN across the room to reveal... Terrance, Bill and Fosse!

TERRANCE
Yes we have, dad! My very own HUMAN
CLONE!!!

BILL & FOSSE
Hope he's not a gay clone... Ha Ha.
yeah! That was so stupid, stupid.

The boys high-five.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

The boys and Fluffy are in the same clearing that the UFOs
were in, in ep. 102. The boys are feeding malt liquor to the
elephant from a keg they towed in on a red wagon.

KYLE
Come on, Elephant! Keep drinking!

The elephant tiredly slurps down the beer. It belches and
stumbles a little.

STAN
Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to
be to make sweet love to the pig?

The elephant looks at Fluffy. From the elephant's POV:

A blurred image of an ugly pig. The elephant cringes and
quickly starts drinking more beer.

KYLE
Dammit! This is never gonna work!!

Chef happens along.

CHEF
Hello children. I thought I'd check
and see how our little entrepreneurial
venture is going.

KYLE
Rotten! They're both really drunk,
but they won't have sex.

CHEF
Oh, children. You can't just stick a
drunk pig with a drunk elephant and
expect them to do the mattress mambo.
You need to set the mood.

Chef pulls out a huge boom-box with a microphone attached.
He presses play, and very sexy, seductive music kicks in.
Landau and Fluffy prick up their ears.

CHEF
Let me show you boys what I'm talking
about.
(singing)
Tonight is right for love, you know.
I wanna touch you where the lights
don't go -- Tonight is right for
love, love gravy. Expressing love so
sweet, I wanna keep you burning like
a dog in heat. Tonight is right for
love, love gravy. Ladies and gentlemen
Mr. Elton John...

ELTON JOHN
Ooh tonight, all is right, ooh tonight
is right for love, love gravy.

CHEF
Thank you Elton... Tonight is right
for love, love gravy.

MONTAGE: SOUTH PARK HUMPING SEQUENCE

EXT. SOUTH PARK - CONTINUOUS

As we hear Chef's music, we see through a window of a house,
a male and female silhouette gettin' busy.

KYLE
Hey, look! It's working!

Landau drunkenly gets up on top of Fluffy.

CHEF
Now children, gather 'round and watch
the wonders of life, the beauty of
mother nature.

The boys all gather around Chef. From the expressions on
their faces, and the horrible NOISES that emerge, it is
apparent that Landau and Fluffy have started screwing.

STAN
Oh, sick!

CARTMAN
(crying)
Fluffy!!!

CHEF
Hmmm, now I know how all those white
women must have felt.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH

Mr. Mephesto looks in the incubator. The larva is hatching!

MR. MEPHESTO
Ooh! How luscious! Our creature has
come to fruition, boys!

The creature rips through the casing, revealing itself to be
A GIANT, STRANGE, STAN!

TERRANCE
Dad, you're the best!

Mephesto notices that the Big Stan only has one ass.

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh my God! He only has one ass! He's
of no use to me, I'll have to burn
the room!

Big Stan frowns when he hears this. He starts pounding on
the incubator wall. He kicks the incubator door open!

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh no, this entire experiment is
turning out very bad.

BIG STAN
Me Bad?

Big Stan grabs one of the four-assed animals and hurls it
against a wall!

MR. MEPHESTO
Egads!! He's out of control! We'll
have to destroy him.

TERRANCE
But he's our science fair project!

BIG STAN
Bubba chewy chomp!!!

MR. MEPHESTO
He's too dangerous, son!

TERRANCE
(stomping his feet)
But Dad! I wanna a HUMAN CLONE!!

Terrance opens the door and lets Stan free.

MR. MEPHESTO
Son! No!!!

Big Stan immediately crashes through a window. Everybody
watches the Giant Stan run down toward South Park.

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh, son! You've made a horrible
mistake! You've put all the people
of South Park in jeopardy!

TERRANCE
They're all stupid anyway!! Come on
guys, let's go!!

NERDS
Yeah... they're all gay.

The boys take off.

EXT. BARN - MORNING

The boys and Chef watch eagerly, waiting for Landau and Fluffy
to wake up.

CARTMAN
Aren't they ever gonna wake up?

CHEF
Oh, they will. But it's gonna be one
ugly sight!

STAN
I thought you said the wonder of
mother nature was a beautiful thing.

KYLE
Yeah. When does mother nature go
from "beautiful" to "ugly"?

CHEF
Usually about 9:30 in the morning,
children.

Landau groggily opens his eyes and yawns.

CHEF
Uh oh! Here we go!

Landau seems to be okay, until he rolls over and sees the
pig that he slept with last night. He SCREAMS wildly!

CHEF
(very sympathetic)
Yeah, there's nothing worse than
getting all drunk and waking up the
next morning next to a pig, or a big
fat elephant.

Now Fluffy wakes up. When she sees that she is in bed with
an elephant, she slaps her forehead with her little hoof and
sighs.

KYLE
Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?

CHEF
Well, boys, we might not know that
for a couple of days.

KYLE
A couple of days? But Terrance is
going to have his human clone by
tomorrow!

CARTMAN
Well good job Einstein! Why don't we
just build a rocket in the mean time?!

Kyle WHACKS Cartman.

Mr. Mephesto appears suddenly.

MR. MEPHESTO
Oh thank Bhudda, I've found you boys.
You must tell me, have you seen
anything odd lately?

STAN
Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with
a pig.

MR. MEPHESTO
No, no I said "odd."

CHEF
Hey, you're that crazy cracker from
up on the hill.

MR. MEPHESTO
Sir! If making mutant animals spliced
with humans is crazy, then... uh...
never mind.

Chef takes this in for a moment, then

MR. MEPHESTO
I'm afraid there's been a bit of an
incident at the ranch. You see, I've
created a large, mutant clone of
that little boy there, and he's broken
free.

The kids eyes open wide!

KENNY
Mph mph mmph.

STAN
A big mutant version of me?!

KYLE
Is he bigger than a regular clone?!

MR. MEPHESTO
He's terribly dangerous. His brain
is identical to yours. I need you to
help me find him!

Stan has a huge smile on his face.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

Big mutant Stan is wreaking havoc in downtown South Park.

He's destroying buildings. People run and scream in terror.
Big Stan picks up a car and tosses it like a football. Mr.
Garrison comes around a corner.

MR. GARRISON
Stan, are you wearing a different
hat?

BIG STAN
Cha waaha waah.

The Stan thing grabs Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
HEY! I know a certain young man who
is itching for detention!

BIG STAN
Haa Cheww weee.

Big Stan throws Mr. Garrison through Jimbo's Gun shop window.

Meanwhile, Stan leads the other boys in the search for Big
Stan.

STAN
How big do you think he is? I bet he
weighs FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS!

KYLE
Come on, Stan! Don't you even know
where you would go?

KENNY
(pointing)
Mmph! Mpm nmnm!

KYLE
Oh my God!

The boys see Big Stan carrying a few innocent people. He
disappears around a corner.

INT. T.V SET - DAY

NEWSMAN
It appears that the horrible,
destructive creature is actually
eight year old Stan Marsh of South
Park.

A picture of innocent little Stan is put up.

NEWSMAN
When asked why he was wreaking such
havoc on his home town, the little
boy replied simply 'Me Stan, bu chomp
ba chewy chomp ba chewy chomp'...
Back to you in the studio.

T.V. ANCHOR
Thanks Tom, police are requesting
that if you see this little eight
year old boy, you immediately kill
him and burn his body. That's all
for now.

NARRATOR
And now back to Jesus and Pals!!

JESUS
Yea, the way is paved with gold for
ye who seek truth and --

Suddenly, evil Stan rips through the set.

BIG STAN
Ba chomp Ba chewy chomp.

JESUS
Jesus!

EVIL STAN
BA CHOMP!! BA CHEWY CHOMP!!

Stan tears the set apart.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

Officer Barbrady directs traffic amidst the chaos. The kids
run up to him.

STAN
Officer Barbrady! My evil genetic
clone is destroying the town! We
have to find him!

OFFICER BARBRADY
You boys have been watching the X
files too much. There's no such thing
as --

Suddenly, the evil Stan grabs Barbrady by the throat and
tosses him into Starks' Pond.

KYLE
Come on! Let's go!

Suddenly, Jimbo comes up behind Stan and grabs his shoulder.

JIMBO
There you are! Stanly, you tore up
my entire gun shop! You better have
a GOOD explanation for this Mister!

STAN
It wasn't me, Uncle Jimbo, it was my
evil genetic clone.

Mr. Garrison appears.

MR. GARRISON
Stanly! What the hell has gotten
into you? You have got severe
lunchroom duty Mister!

JIMBO
I'm gonna have a word with your father
Stanley.

MR. GARRISON
Yeah, you wait 'till your father
hears about this.

KYLE
Wait Stan! There he goes!

Evil Stan starts to walks away.

STAN
STOP!!

The Stan thing turns and looks at Stan oddly.

BIG STAN
Bubba chomp...

KYLE
He recognizes you, dude.

STAN
That's good, that's good dude, just
calm down.

Evil Stan now turns his head. He rests and sits down.

BIG STAN
Ba chewy chomp.

KYLE
What should we do with him?

Stan smiles.

STAN
Stan... How would you like to go
home and meet your sister?

Evil Stan smiles.

BIG STAN
Haa Ba Chew

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

STAN
(to Big Stan)
So remember, Shelley's the one with
a big wire coming out of her mouth
and a metal plate on her back. When
you see Shelley, KICK HER ASS. Shelley
bad! Shelley very bad!!

Big Stan's wide eyes turn to extreme fear.

BIG STAN
Me bad?

He thinks Stan is calling him bad. He goes berserk! Big Stan
starts wrecking the place! He knocks over book cases, the
china cabinet, tables, chairs.

STAN
No! SHELLY Bad! YOU GOOD!!

KYLE
He's tearing up the house. Stop him!!!

Kenny lunges at Big Stan, but Big Stan sends him flying
through the air... and right into the large microwave.

The door slams shut and the power goes on.

Big Stan continues to rip the place to shreds. All the boys
are SHOUTING and jumping on him, but he keeps throwing them
off, sending them in all directions.

Finally, Big Stan turns around and finds himself face to
face with Shelley.

SHELLEY
What the hell do you want?

They size each other up for a second and then Shelley hauls
off and belts him with overwhelming force. Big Stan goes
down.

BIG STAN
Ba chewy chewy chomp... Uh.

Mr. Mephesto rushes in.

MR. MEPHESTO
Boys, boys, I'm lusciously sorry for
everything!

Terrance, Bill and Fosse burst in.

TERRANCE
Hey! They've got our clone! He belongs
to us!

MR. MEPHESTO
No, son! This beast is a disgrace to
genetic engineers everywhere.
(to the Boys)
Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such
inconvenience. I tried to play God
and I failed --

Mr. Mephesto pulls out a gun and SHOOTS a hole right through
Big Stan's head! The blood splatters in Terrance's face. Big
Stan falls to the floor dead.

TERRANCE
Daddy! NOOOOOOO!!!

MR. MEPHESTO
All I've ever wanted was to
genetically engineer something useful.
(starting to weep)
But I've failed. Perhaps we shouldn't
be toying with God's creations.
Perhaps we should just leave nature
alone to it's simple one assed
schematics.

Mephesto starts to sob.

TERRANCE
You cheating bastards! This isn't
over! Just wait until tomorrow!!

The nerds leave. Utterly depressed, Mephesto follows.

The microwave dings and a crispy, moist Kenny falls out and
onto the floor with a squish.

KYLE
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
(shaking his fist at
the microwave)
You bastard!!

STAN
Mom and Dad are home. My house is a
disaster. You guys gotta help me!!!

CARTMAN
I ain't helping crap! I wanna eat
some pie!

STAN
You can't just leave me here alone!

CARTMAN
Oh yeah? Watch me!

KYLE
Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if
Cartman's pig is pregnant or not.
See ya!

Kyle and Cartman bolt.

STAN
Thanks a lot!!!

SHELLEY
Oh boy, you are gonna GET IT now!!!

Stan looks through the window. He looks back in total shock.

Shelley approaches Stan menacingly. Stan starts to sob.

STAN
It isn't fair! Everybody hates me!
The whole town wants me killed!
(Crying)
Mom and Dad are gonna send me away!

Shelley stops in her tracks and watches her pitiful brother
cry.

STAN
I don't wanna be sent away! I want
to stay here! WAAAGGHH!!!

The door opens. In walk Stan's mild-mannered parents.

STAN'S DAD
STANLY!! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING?!

STAN'S MOM
EVERYBODY IN TOWN IS UPSET WITH YOU
YOUNG MAN! WHAT'S GOING ON?! ARE YOU
ON DRUGS?!

The parents approach Stan, but Shelley steps in their way.

SHELLEY
It's not Stan's fault.

DAD
Huh?

SHELLEY
It wasn't Stan, he was... he was
with me the whole time.

Stan looks utterly shocked.

DAD
Oh... Well, Stan we're... We're sorry
we jumped to conclusions...

MOM
Oh honey, please forgive us son.

The parents hug Stan and walk away. Stan is still in shock.

Finally, Stan snaps out of his daze.

STAN
Shelley, you -- you saved my life!

Shelley stares blankly at Stan.

STAN
And yet, you've done so much more
than that. Today, you've taught me
the meaning of family.

Shelley continues to stare blankly at Stan.

STAN
Sure, families don't always get along.
But when the forces of evil descend
upon us, we conquer them. By sticking
together.

Shelley continues to stare. Stan goes to hug his sister.

SOCK! Shelley decks Stan right in the mouth. She proceeds to
give him the beating of a life time.

Rats pull Kenny apart.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT II

EPILOGUE

EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MR. GARRISON
Everyone, let's give Casey and his
weed a big hand. Okay, Kyle we're
ready to see your science project.

KYLE
Well, our pig hasn't given birth
yet, but she should any time now.

MR. GARRISON
Oh well then I guess you get an F.

Okay Terrance I know the class can hardly wait to see your
science fair project.

TERRANCE
Thank you Mr. Garrison.

Fosse and Bill wheel in a large cage covered by a cloth.

TERRANCE
Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students.
For our science fair project, Bill,
Fosse and I have spawned a creature
genetically far superior to man. I
present to you --

Fosse and Bill rip away the cloth.

TERRANCE
...The five-assed monkey!

Inside the cage is the formerly four-assed monkey, now with
a fifth ass. The ape now looks absolutely furious.

Everyone APPLAUDS. Terrance and the boys bow.

MR. GARRISON
Oh Mr. Hat isn't it beautiful.

KYLE
Wait, Wait, the pig just gave birth,
it had a baby!!!

Cartman and Kyle carry in a large cage, but we can't quite
see what's inside. The class gathers around to look. Many
"Oohs" and "Wow's are heard.

KIDS
What's it look like?

KYLE
Does it look like a pig or an
elephant?

CARTMAN
Hey, it kinda looks like Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, gee. Isn't that an amazing
coincidence? What are the odds of
that?

STAN
Hmmn!

MR. GARRISON
You boys get first prize!

Fluffy stands proud of her offspring. Cartman looks down at
her with a little glow around his head.

CARTMAN
That'll do pig.

THE END

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