"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 208

"Summer Sucks"

Written by

Nancy Pimental & Trey Parker



EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

Establishing.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

Mr. Garrison stands in front of the students.

MR. GARRISON
Okay children, I know that today is
the last day of school, and that the
last day of school involves pranks...
But this is GOING TOO FAR!!

The kids all stare blankly.

Mr. Garrison is holding is right arm up, but nothing is on
it.

MR. GARRISON
Now what have you done with Mr. Hat?!

The kids don't move.

MR. GARRISON
CHILDREN! I WANT MR. HAT BACK RIGHT
NOW! THE PRANK IS OVER!!

The kids don't move.

MR. GARRISON
You think I can't get along without
Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't
live without him?! Well I can! He's
just a puppet! I don't need him! You
see? Watch...

Mr. Garrison folds his hands on his desk and tries to look
normal. But he's obviously shaking.

The kids just stare on.

Finally, Garrison breaks.

MR. GARRISON
GOD DAMMIT WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU
PUT MR. HAT?!?

The school bell rings.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, no you don't! The school year is
over, but Summer vacation doesn't
start for you little bastards until
Mr. Hat is BACK ON MY DESK! Now I'm
going to turn around, and when I
turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat
lying right here!

Garrison turns around. He sits with his back to us for several
seconds, then:

MR. GARRISON
Okay... I'm going to turn around
now.

Garrison turns back around to see that everybody is gone.
Except for Pip.

MR. GARRISON
SHIT!

PIP
Where did everybody go?

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

As the children race out of the building, the snow on the
ground melts away -- it's the last day of school and the
first day of summer in South Park.

CUT TO:

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY

A huge mound of snow melts and out emerges KEVIN, the same
little boy we saw earlier on the poster. Kevin's MOTHER and
FATHER run up to him.

KEVIN'S MOTHER
Oh golly Kevin, honey.

KEVIN'S FATHER
Good to see you again, son.

All three hug.

A MAN steps out of his house and breathes in the warm summer
air and then...

THE MAN
Looks like winter's right around the
corner. Better get some fire wood
ready!

The man pulls out a chainsaw and cuts down a tree.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

All the trees in the forest start dropping.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

The boys continue on, as school children run and play and
squeal with delight. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk past
Pip.

PIP
Oh, happy Summer, gentlemen!

STAN
Shut up, Pip.

PIP
Right-o. Uh, enjoy some of the summer
for me, would you?

KYLE
What do you mean?

PIP
Well, I have to spend my summer in
summer school, because I can't be
left alone. You see, my parents are
dead.

The boys just stand there, blinking, with nothing to say.
Finally, Cartman speaks up.

CARTMAN
Your parents are dead? God damn you
suck, Pip!

The boys walk off laughing.

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY

The boys walk down the street, passing a sign for 'Stu's
fireworks'.

STAN
Oh yeah, dude! It's summer, that
means we gotta buy fireworks!

KYLE
I saved up enough money to buy m-
80's this year.

STAN
I saw in this movie once where this
guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's
butt.

KYLE
Cool! Maybe we can do that to
Cartman's cat.

CARTMAN
AY! IF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH KITTY'S
ASS I'LL PUT FIRECRACKERS IN YOUR
NUTSACK AND BLOW YOUR BALLS ALL OVER
YOUR PANTS!!

STAN
Jesus, Cartman...

CARTMAN
Well, I'm just sayin' na, don't mess
with kitty, na.

INT. STU'S GIFTS/SOUVENIRS/FIREWORKS - DAY

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny enter the store.

STU, a big fat guy who breathes heavy and wears a shirt that
doesn't fully cover his belly, stands behind the counter.

STU
Hi, fellas.

THE BOYS
Hi, Stu.

STU
What can I do you for?

KYLE
We wanna buy m-80's.

STAN
The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's
ass.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny laugh.

CARTMAN
Okay! That does it! Screw you guys!
I'm going home!

Cartman walks away.

KYLE
What a baby.

STAN
So, we'll have ten m-80's please.

STU
I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?

STAN
Heard what?

STU
All fireworks have been banned in
Colorado.

KYLE
What'dya mean?

STU
It was in the paper this morning.

Stu shows them the paper. On the front page is a picture of
a LITTLE BOY who has no hands. Under the picture, the caption
reads, "NORTH PARK BOY LOSES HANDS IN FIRECRACKER ACCIDENT."

KYLE
Dude, just cuz some stupid North
Park kid blew his hands off, we don't
get to buy m-80's?!

STU
Right.

STAN
How can they do this to us? Doesn't
anyone believe in tradition anymore?

KYLE
Yeah, we've been playing with
firecrackers our whole lives.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY

Circa 1991. The boys are playing with firecrackers. They
look exactly the same, except they are tiny one-year olds.

Suddenly, a firecracker explodes and kills little baby Kenny.

BABY STAN
Goo, goo goo! killed Kenny!!

BABY KYLE
(shaking his fists)
Ooo bastards!

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

INT. STU'S GIFTS/SOUVENIRS/FIREWORKS - DAY

Back to the present.

STAN
A summer without firecrackers is
like... I don't know what it's like,
but it sucks ass.

KYLE
Yea, now what are we suppose to do?

Stu pulls out a bunch of lame Fourth of July paraphernalia.

STU
I can still sell snakes!

Stu lights the little black disc, and the short, stupid
uneventful ash snake comes out.

BOYS
Aww!!

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The mayor is sitting behind her desk, yelling into the phone.

MAYOR
(into the phone)
This is absurd! We need fireworks
for our Fourth of July celebration
at the lake.
(pause)
I don't care that some twerp blew
his hands off. We've got to have
fireworks for our picnic -- Hold on
I've got another call...

She switches over.

MAYOR
Hello?
(pause)
No I don't know where Mr. Hat is!
Jesus, Garrison I've got bigger
problems!!

She switches back.

MAYOR
Hello? Yes, now what am I supposed
to do about our Fourth of July Show
at the Lake?
(pause)
No, I don't want snakes! This is an
outrage! Get me the mayor!
(beat)
I know that, smart ass, I was being
ironic!

She slams down the phone.

Suddenly, Barbrady comes out from under the desk.

BARBRADY
I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't
find the little man in the boat.

MAYOR
Well, keep looking.

He disappears back under the desk.

MAYOR
(to herself)
This is ridiculous. We can't have a
celebration without fireworks. Who
ever heard of a Fourth of July picnic
with snakes?

BARBRADY
(From under the desk)
Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and
they grow and grow...

MAYOR
Wait a minute. That's it! I've got
it! This Fourth of July, South Park
will make history by having the
largest snake in the world! The press
will love it. I'll be on the front
page... Oooh.

BARBRADY
I found him.

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - NIGHT

Kyle, Cartman, Stan and Kenny are standing at the busstop.
There is no snow around them.

They just stand there, blinking.

STAN
Man, it's hot out here.

CARTMAN
What do you guys wanna do? We have
the whole summer to play!

KYLE
Dude, what are we supposed to do? We
always just played with fireworks.

STAN
I know! Let's go sledding!

KYLE
Yeah!

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY

Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting on a sled at the top of a
grassy hill. Cartman stands behind them.

STAN
Come on, Cartman, get on.

CARTMAN
Stan?

KYLE
Let's go, dude. We're ready.

STAN
What the hell are you waiting for,
Cartman?

CARTMAN
Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong
with this picture?

KYLE
Yea, your fat ass isn't on the sled!

Cartman reluctantly gets on the back of the sled.

CARTMAN
Whatever.

The sled slides down the grassy hill about an inch and then
stops.

The boys blink.

STAN
What the hell is going on?

Just then Jimbo and Ned drive up in Jimbo's hummer.

JIMBO
Hey there, boys!

STAN
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.

JIMBO
How come you're not out blowing things
up? It's summer?

KYLE
Didn't you hear? That outlawed
fireworks cuz a little boy blew off
his hands.

JIMBO
WHAT?!

STAN
Yeah, they're not even having them
at the lake this year.

JIMBO
Oh my God! Well, don't worry boys,
Uncle Jimbo is on the case!

Jimbo speeds away.

EXT./INT. JIMBO'S VAN - DAY

Jimbo and Ned are in the van heading South.

JIMBO
Buckle your seatbelt, Ned.

NED
Where are we going?

JIMBO
Mexico, my amigo.

NED
Why are we going to Mexico?

JIMBO
To buy fireworks. Just cuz some kid
blew off his hands, doesn't mean the
rest of us have to suffer, now does
it?

NED
Are fireworks legal in Mexico?

JIMBO
Hell, everything's legal in Mexico.
It's the American way.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The Mayor and her aides are listening to a presentation by
the DYNO-MIGHT firework company. The Mayor is sitting at her
desk with her fingers on her chin, as CHARLIE, the DYNO-MIGHT
owner talks with diagrams and a pointer.

CHARLIE
At the Dyno-might firework company,
we have a commitment to excellence.
Our focus is on safety while --

MAYOR
Just cut to the chase and tell us
about the snake!

CHARLIE
Oh, okay...

Charlie flips through a few of his presentation boards, past
the ones that say 'Introduction' and 'Safety Features' and
'We Value the Customer', and finally settling on one that is
a diagram of the huge disc itself.

CHARLIE
Now, the disc that we're making is
approximately 5,000 times bigger
than an average snake.

MAYOR
Ooh!

CHARLIE
We'll have to fly it in with three
Comanche Helicopters, and lower on
to the ground at the lake.

MAYOR
(scribbling)
Comanche helicopters...

Now Charlie flips the diagram to another one.

CHARLIE
Then, we'll need 57 flamethrowers,
all set up around the perimeter of
the disc, that are triggered to all
fire at the same time.

MAYOR
Flamethrowers... Triggered at the
same time.

CHARLIE
Once lit, the snake will grow...

He flips to yet another diagram. This one a drawing of the
snake emerging happily from the disc.

CHARLIE
And good times will be had by all.

The aide flips to a photo of Abe Vigoda tipping his hat and
smiling. The Mayor and her aides applaud.

AIDE #2
Wonderful.

AIDE #1
Spectacular.

MAYOR
Well, you see? The fireworks at the
lake will not only go on, but perhaps
be the best ever!
(suddenly)
Wait a minute! We're gonna need an
orchestra to play the Stars and
Stripes!

AIDE #2
Hey! How about the elementary school
orchestra! They did a great version
of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' at their
last concert.

MAYOR
Yes! Get the school Principal on the
phone! And we need somebody to dress
up like Uncle Remus!

AIDE #1
Uh, mayor, I think you mean Uncle
Sam?

MAYOR
OF COURSE I DO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY

The boys are building a "snowman" out of rocks, sticks and
dirt.

KYLE
(singing)
Dusty the dirtball...

STAN
Why does everything have to suck so
bad in summer?

Mr. Garrison walks up. He looks like total shit. He is
unshaven and shaking.

KYLE
Hey look, it's Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
Hello children. How is your summer
going.

STAN
Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.

KYLE
Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?

MR. GARRISON
Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost
forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr.
Hat.

STAN
That's good.

MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat is just a puppet.

KYLE
Yup.

MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat isn't real.

STAN
Right.

Mr. Garrison just stands there and blinks for a long time.

Finally, he just walks away.

The boys go back to their snowman.

CARTMAN
Hey you guys, my mom signed me up
for swimming lessons at the community
pool. You wanna come?

Stan, Kyle and Kenny crack up laughing.

STAN
Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the
lamest thing I've ever heard.

CARTMAN
It is not!

STAN
Everyone knows that the first graders
pee in the community pool.

KYLE
Yea, Cartman, you're swimming around
in first grader pee.

CARTMAN
AY! I am not swimming around in pee!

STAN
Whatever, dude.

CARTMAN
My mom says that if I take swimming
lessons, I could be in the Olympics
someday.

KYLE
Yea, the Fat Ass Olympics.

CARTMAN
I'm trying to make the best out of a
bad situation! I don't need to hear
crap from a bunch of hippie freaks
living in denial!!

CARTMAN
Screw you guys, I'm going home!

STAN
But Cartman...

CARTMAN
Uh. Screw you guys... home.

Cartman storms off.

STAN
What does he mean 'living in denial'?

KYLE
Dude, it's Cartman, he's just being
a dumbass like always.

They stick a carrot-nose in the snowman's dirt head.

STAN
There, how does that look?

KYLE
Like a big hunk of dirt with a carrot
sticking out of it.

STAN
Ah, crap!

EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY

A few children play and frolic in the pool.

Cartman is standing outside the pool in his swimming trunks,
but still wearing his little blue hat.

Cartman walks up slowly to the edge of the pool and sticks a
toe in.

CARTMAN
AGH!

He runs further away.

The LIFEGUARD, dressed in a red swimsuit, blows her whistle.

LIFEGUARD
Okay kids, everyone in the pool!

A few more kids jump in. Cartman is left alone at the other
end.

LIFEGUARD
Come on, Eric we're gonna start now!

CARTMAN
Nuh-uh.

LIFEGUARD
Just jump in.

CARTMAN
I don't wanna.

LIFEGUARD
It's not going to hurt you, hon,
just do it.

Cartman takes a deep breath, then jumps into the water.

CARTMAN
BLAH! UGH!!

LIFEGUARD
There you go! Now just let the first
graders swim by you, and then head
towards us.

CARTMAN
Huh? First Graders???

Just then, three little FIRST GRADERS merrily swim by. They
pause in front of Cartman, and some of the water turns yellow.

CARTMAN
HEY!! AW!!!! WEAK!! WEAK!!

The first graders swim on by.

CARTMAN
Oh, you sons a bitches!!

ACT II

EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY

South Park residents are hanging balloons, setting up food
tents and building bleachers for the big event.

MAYOR
(checking her watch)
Where the hell is our firework?! We
only have 24 hours!

AIDE
I'm sure it will be here any second.

MAYOR
Shut up!

AIDE
Copy that.

Meanwhile, the boys are all on a small stage with the rest
of their classmates. They are all with musical instruments.

The music teacher steps up with a little baton.

MR. ROMERO
Okay, children, I'm sure we're a
little rusty -- Where is Eric Cartman?

STAN
He's taking swimming lessons.

MR. ROMERO
Oh dear, how are we supposed to sound
good without our French Horn section?
Well, let's try some scales first --
C scale first. And --

Mr. Romero conducts his arms, and the kids start playing the
most God awful mix of noises you've ever heard.

Finally, they stop.

MR. ROMERO
Okay, that was pretty good. Let's
play Mozart's symphony number 5...

Mr. Romero lowers his hands. The kids play the same God awful
sound.

MAYOR
Oh, we're doomed. Our fourth of July
celebration is going to have no
fireworks and a bunch of tone deaf
little shits playing -- wait a minute --

Just then, a distant chopping sound is heard. The Mayor looks
up.

MAYOR
It's the snake!

EXT. SOUTH PARK LAKE - DAY

Three Comanche helicopters fly over South Park. It's got the
gigantic snake attached to it.

South Park residents hoot and holler as they watch the
helicopter fly overhead.

EXT. SOUTH PARK LAKE - DAY

Officer Barbrady stands in front of the townspeople who are
watching the helicopter.

OFFICE BARBRADY
Let's move along, people. If you've
seen one giant snake thingy firework,
you've seen them all.

MAYOR
CALL EVERYBODY!! THE SHOW'S BACK
ON!! COME ON, WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE DAY
TO PREPARE!!

EXT. FIREWORKS STORE (MEXICO) - DAY

Jimbo and Ned walk into the crappy little Mexican store.

JIMBO
Buenos Dias, mi amigo. You soy una
Americana Spectacular.

MEXICAN OWNER
Que?

JIMBO
Yo necissito el fireworko
spectacularrrrr.

MEXICAN OWNER
Nessecita Firework grande?

NED
No moleste el gato spectacularrrrr.

The Owner hands them a large box with whatever the Spanish
word for DANGER is printed on it.

Jimbo opens the box.

JIMBO
Would you look at that, Ned? That's
a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies
have enough power to blast a fiery
hole right through the ozone.

NED
They're spectacularrrrrr.

JIMBO
Ned... It's our job to get these to
children all over America for the
Fourth of July. We'll be like Santa
Claus on Christmas Morning!

NED
Bueno.

INT. MR. GARRISON'S HOUSE

Mr. Garrison is just sitting in his chair, doing nothing.
Mr. Hat is still nowhere to be seen.

Finally, the phone rings. Garrison reaches over and answers
it immediately.

MR. GARRISON
HELLO?!

VOICE
(sounds suspiciously
like Mr. Mackey)
Hello, is Mr. Hat there?

Mr. Garrison thinks.

MR. GARRISON
Is this some kind of joke?!

VOICE
(laughing)
Yes.

MR. GARRISON
You go to hell! You go to hell and
you DIE!!

The voice just keeps laughing.

MR. GARRISON
I'm gonna find out who you are!

VOICE
I don't think you can, mmkay...

The line goes dead.

MR. GARRISON
God Dammit!

Garrison grabs the remote and turns on the television. He
flips through the channels.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

The title reads 'Shari Lewis and Friends!'

Shari Lewis appears wearing her hand puppet, Lambchop.

SHARI LEWIS
So, Lambchomp, what would you like
to do today?

LAMBCHOMP
Well, I'd like to sing you a song!

SHARI LEWIS
Hey, let's sing one TOGETHER!

Music begins.

ANGLE - GARRISON

He's resting his head on his hand and looking really pissed
off.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Shari and Lambchop sing.

SHARI AND LAMBCHOP
(singing)
As long as we're together we can do
anything! We can take on the whole
darn world!

ANGLE - GARRISON

Just sitting there, pissed.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

SHARI AND LAMBCHOP
We're happy as clams! With plenty of
pearls! Through thick and thin, we've
always been to-geth-er!

ANGLE - GARRISON

ZOOM IN on Garrison's face -- into his thoughts...

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Now, as Shari and Lambchop continue to sing, Garrison appears
next to them.

He grins an evil grin, then pulls out a hatchet.

He chops off Shari's arm with the hatchet. She screams. He
takes lambchomp from the severed hand, and throws it on a
nearby grill.

SHARI LEWIS
NOO!! LAMBCHOP NOOO!!!

Lambchop lies dying on the hot grill.

LAMBCHOP
Shari... Help me...

LAMBCHOMP
It burns!!! It burns!!!!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. GARRISON'S HOUSE

Garrison is back sitting in his chair, with a huge smile on
his face, as the stupid singing continues from the television.

EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY

Cartman is standing in the shallow end of the pool, looking
at all the other kids and the lifeguard at the deep end of
the pool.

LIFEGUARD
Eric, you have to get in the deep
end sooner or later.

CARTMAN
Later's fine.

LIFEGUARD
Just do your side stroke.

CARTMAN
I only know how to do it doggie style.

LIFEGUARD
That's doggie-PADDLE, Eric. Now come
over here!

CARTMAN
Can I do it doggie style?

LIFEGUARD
Okay.

Cartman starts to waddle towards the deep end.

LIFEGUARD
That's it! That's it! You can do it!

CARTMAN
Sweet...

But again, just then, the first graders come giggling and
swimming by.

They swim by and turn the water around Eric yellow again.

CARTMAN
AW! DAMMIT!! AAGHAGH NOT AGAIN!!

Cartman scrambles around back to the shallow end.

LIFEGUARD
Come on, Eric!

CARTMAN
NO WAY!! THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!...
I'M GOING HOME

INT. SOUTH PARK NEWS ROOM - DAY

CHET, a newscaster, sits behind a desk.

TOM
Fourth of July is finally here, and
with a Statewide ban on fireworks,
people from all over Colorado are
flocking to South Park. Here with a
special report is a normal looking
guy with a funny name.

EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY

People are partying and celebrating.

A newscaster is standing among the partying people. His name,
CREAMY GOODNESS, is printed at the bottom of the screen.

CREAMY GOODNESS
Thanks, Tom. It looks like the
firework ban won't be putting a damper
on one town's festivities tonight...

Creamy walks through scores of people who are having fun and
mugging for the camera.

CREAMY GOODNESS
I'm here at Stark's Pond in South
Park, where the crowd of residents
and scores of tourists anxiously
await the lighting of the largest
snake in human history.

Chet pulls out a package of traditional snakes.

CREAMY GOODNESS
Now as most of you will probably
remember, snakes are these little
round discs that you light, and they
spew out a little 'snake' of black
ash. Well, the South Park's snake is
over half a mile in diameter and
twenty stories high...

The camera cuts to the massive disc, as final preparations
are being made to it.

CREAMY GOODNESS
I'm told that this event won't begin
until the sun goes down and night is
upon us.

The sun quickly goes down. It's now dark.

CREAMY GOODNESS
Alrighty then, looks like we're ready.

EXT. SOUTH PARK LAKE - NIGHT

The boys are assembled with the band. They're all wearing
tuxedos.

STAN
How are your swimming lessons going,
Cartman?

CARTMAN
Fine...

KYLE
I heard you won't even get in the
deep end.

CARTMAN
Well, you heard WRONG, hippie!!

ANGLE ON THE MAYOR:

She stands before the townspeople.

MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen. Good citizens
of Colorado. It is my pleasure to be
the first person to wish you all a
Happy Fourth of July. Let's start
with our school band playing the
Stars and Stripes!!

MR. ROMERO
(nervous)
This is it... And a one and a two
and a --

The kids all start playing The Stars and Stripes. It is barely
recognizable.

The large crowd holds their hands over their ears.

Mr. Romero continues to conduct as if he's in front of the
Boston Symphony Orchestra.

The Mayor is terrified.

MAYOR
What the fuck is that?

MAYOR'S ASSISTANT
I think it's the Stars and Stripes.

MAYOR
Oh hell. LIGHT THE SNAKE!!

The crowd goes wild.

Four men with big torches light the snake as the crowd cheers.

ANGLE ON THE BOYS:

They try to get a glimpse of the snake and play at the same
time.

ANGLE ON THE SNAKE:

As it continues burning, a pillar of hard black ash emerges
from the top, and starts to grow!

TOWNSFOLK
Ooh!

The column of ash grows up towards the sky.

TOWNSFOLK
Ahh!

EXT. MEXICO - NIGHT

Jimbo's hummer drives down the highway towards some lights.

INT. JIMBO'S HUMMER - MOVING

JIMBO
Alright, Ned, now we're coming up to
the American border. They can't know
that we have fireworks in the trunk.
Just let me do the talking.

Jimbo thinks about what he just said a laughs a little.

JIMBO
I guess that goes without saying,
doesn't it...

Jimbo laughs. Ned doesn't.

A uniformed American Border Patrol officer holds his hand
out Jimbo stops his Hummer.

BORDER PATROL GUY
Good evening, gentlemen.

JIMBO
Hello there, fellow American. We're
just anxious to get back to our
homeland.

BORDER PATROL GUY
Alright, I just need to ask you a
few questions.

JIMBO
Fire away, we have nothing to hide.

BORDER PATROL GUY
Is anyone other than the two of you
traveling in this vehicle?

JIMBO
No sir.

BORDER PATROL GUY
Do you have any firearms or explosives
in the car.

JIMBO
Yes.

Ned looks at Jimbo, horrified.

JIMBO
I mean NO!! NO!!

BORDER PATROL GUY
Open your trunk please sir.

The border patrol guy heads to the back. Jimbo snacks his
head repeatedly against the steering wheel.

JIMBO
DAMN DAMN!! I ALWAYS GET THAT QUESTION
WRONG!!

EXT. STARK'S POND - SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

The tourists are in still in awe, basking in the brilliant
glow of the continually growing snake. It is reaching epic
size.

The kids are now in the second movement of the Stars and
Stripes. Romero still conducts happily, and Cartman turns
pages of sheet music as if he's reading it.

The Mayor stands next to Charlie with a huge smile on her
face.

MAYOR
My God, it's beautiful. It never
fails to amaze me how I manage to
overcome adversity!

The Mayor watches as the huge column of hardened, black ash
continues to belch forth from the black disc.

After QUITE A WHILE, the Mayor finally starts to lose her
smile.

MAYOR
Say, uh, Charlie, when does that
thing die out?

CHARLIE
Die out?

MAYOR
Yes, you know, expire, end.

Charlie looks at her for a long time.

A REALLY LONG TIME. He just sits there, staring at her,
thinking.

Finally, the Mayor gets impatient.

MAYOR
Hello? I'm asking you when it stops.

CHARLIE
Uh... I'm not sure, I never made one
this big.

The snake is growing and growing to monstrous proportions.

CHARLIE
I guess we didn't quite think this
through, did we...

MAYOR
WHAT?!

The boys continue to play, but their eyes are fixed on the
their growing snake.

KYLE
Dude, that thing is huge!!

STAN
Yeah, they need to shut it off.

CARTMAN
HEY! YOU GUYS ARE SCREWING UP THE
SONG!!

Now all the tourists and residents start to look concerned.
As the snake spirals up to the sky, and finally collapses
under its weight!

Everybody runs screaming as the huge pillar of ash heads for
the ground.

TOWNSFOLK
(screaming)
Somebody stop it! It's out of control!

THE BOYS
Aaaaah!!

Stan, Kyle and Cartman dive out of the way. Kenny isn't as
quick.

KYLE
Kenny! Watch out!

Right in the nick of time, however, Kenny jumps out of the
way and ducks under the bleachers. Everyone is relieved.

But the bleachers collapse and kill him.

STAN
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

KYLE
(shaking his fists at
the bleachers)
You bastards!

The boys immediately go back to playing.

ANGLE ON THE ROGUE SNAKE:

The growing snake continues to grow and spew.

MAYOR
OH MY GOD!!!
(grabbing Charlie)
YOU TELL ME HOW MUCH LONGER THIS
THING IS GONNA LAST!!

CHARLIE
(with pen and paper)
Uh... Let's see... a normal size
snake lasts three minutes...

Charlie quickly scribbles down some numbers.

MAYOR
SO WHEN DOES IT RUN OUT?!

CHARLIE
November. Of next year.

MAYOR
Oh hell.

As black ash falls all around, and people everywhere run
screaming, Kyle starts playing 'Nearer My God To Thee' on
his violin. The other kids all join in a la The Titanic.

EVERYBODY
AAAAAGHGHGH!!!

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

The huge, massive snake slithers its way through Downtown,
knocking over each building slowly, as it goes

EXT. STARK'S POND - MORNING

The Snake continues to grow. The lake area is all but
abandoned but for the reporter Creamy Goodness.

CREAMY GOODNESS
Well, we're coming up on nine hours
and the giant snake of South Park
shows no signs of stopping. Residents
have tried everything from firehoses
to yelling at it, to make the snake
stop, but nothing seems to work.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

NEWSGUY
Thanks, Creamy, police are advising
all citizens to stay indoors, not
breathe the ashen air, and not ever
light any giant snakes in the near
future.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

The boys walk down the blackened, destroyed streets as the
huge snake bulldozes another building.

STAN
Man, this sucks.

A few people run screaming by them.

KYLE
What should we do, dude? That big
snake keeps growing! It's gonna
demolish the whole state soon!

STAN
We should do what we always do; ask
Chef for help.

CARTMAN
Where is Chef?

EXT. BAHAMAS - DAY

Chef is lying on a nice lounger, surrounded by beautiful,
busty women, drinking a Mai Tai One is massaging his
shoulders.

CHEF
(singing)
Baby, you know you're the girl for
me. And all that I want to be is.
You and me, and her simultaneous.
You and me and you and you
simultaneous loving, baby! 2 or 3
simultaneous Ooh that's right...

One woman pours Chef a drink. Another takes his towel and
replaces it with a new.

Just then the phone rings.

Chef picks the phone up and puts it to his ear, and the women
continue doing what they were doing.

CHEF
Hello? ... What? ...Oh, hello,
children.

Chef smiles at the ladies.

CHEF
It's a what?... A giant snake?...
Killing everybody?... Growing bigger?!

Chef looks again at the ladies.

CHEF
Children, you know I rarely say this
but... Well, futch ya.

And he hangs up the phone.

CHEF
(sack to singing)
Simultaneous. You and me and you and
you simultaneous loving, baby! 2 or
3....

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

Stan is on a pay phone He hangs it up.

KYLE
What'd he say?

STAN
Dude, I think he told us to go fuck
ourselves.

CARTMAN
Wow.

KYLE
How is that gonna help?

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

The newscaster sits at his desk.

NEWSCASTER
ALL OVER AMERICA, THE EFFECTS OF THE
GIANT ASH SNAKE OF SOUTH PARK CAN BE
SEEN!!

EXT. UTAH - DAY

A title tell us we are In UTAH.

Several white clothed white people are dipping a young man
in a large pool of water.

MORMON #1
Yea! Let the spirit of Heavenly Father
be blessed upon you.

MORMON #2
From this day on, all will be well!

The newly baptized Mormon smiles broadly.

BAPTIZED MORMON
I already feel like things are getting
better.

Just then, the large black snake oozes itself through the
congregation. They all scream and die like the worthless
mother fuckers they are.

EXT. CITYSCAPE - DAY

ANOTHER TITLE SAYS 'NEW YORK'

With slow JAZZ MUSIC playing, we establish at a skyscraper.

INT. PSYCHOLOGISTS - DAY

MR. GARRISON
And I can't sleep or think... Where
would he have gone? Why would he
leave?

Sitting across from Mr. Garrison is DR. KATZburg with his
fingers on his chin, and shaking.

DR. KATZBURG
Well... let me ask you this. Why...
Where... Where do you think Mr. Hat...
went?

MR. GARRISON
How the fuck should I know, if I
knew that I wouldn't be seeing a
fucking psychiatrist would I?!

DR. KATZBURG
Well, I... guess I see what you're
saying. Yeah.

MR. GARRISON
At first I was sure one of the
children took him, but then I
remembered that Mr. Hat and I had
actually had a fight that morning --

DR. KATZBURG
Um, are you gay?

MR. GARRISON
WHAT?!?!

DR. KATZBURG
It's... It's just a question.

MR. GARRISON
Are you propositioning me?!

DR. KATZBURG
No.

MR. GARRISON
Well, I can tell you that I am 100
percent NOT gay!

DR. KATZBURG
Well, I believe you. I absolutely
believe you.

MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat, on the other hand...

DR. KATZBURG
Mr. Hat was gay?

MR. GARRISON
Sometimes he fantasies about same
sex relations.

DR. KATZBURG
I see.

MR. GARRISON
Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend
he was in a Sauna with Brett Farvre
and a bottle of Thousand Island
dressing.

DR. KATZBURG
That I did not need to know.

MR. GARRISON
Well, I'm just sayin'.

DR. KATZBURG
Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat
was actually YOUR gay side trying to
come out... You see it's, it's you
that's gay, but, but you're in denial,
so you act out your gay persona with
a homosexual puppet.

Mr. Garrison just sits there and thinks.

DR. KATZBURG
What do you think about that?

MR. GARRISON
I think YOU'RE the loony one in this
room.

The giant snake bursts through the glass, killing Katzburg
instantly.

MR. GARRISON
Serves you right you gay bashing
homo.

EXT. TEXAS - DAY

A title card tells us we are in 'Texas'. There is a single
building, which reads 'Texas Prison'.

INT. TEXAS PRISON - DAY

Jimbo and Ned are sitting on the prison floor looking bored.

JIMBO
Well, Ned, looks like we missed fourth
of July again.

NED
Yup.

JIMBO
Dammit! Those poor kids must have
been so disappointed to have nothing
but them stupid wussy snakes to light.

NED
Well, better luck next year.

JIMBO
Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try
again...

Ned reads a small index card.

NED
(reading)
Is anyone other than the two of you
traveling in this vehicle?

JIMBO
No.

NED
(reading)
Do you have any firearms or explosives
in the car?

Jimbo thinks.

JIMBO
Yes?

Ned shakes his head.

JIMBO
DAMMIT I GOT IT WRONG AGAIN?! What's
the answer again?

But just then, another branch of the giant snake blasts
through the cell wall.

JIMBO
HOLY SMOKES! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

NED
IT LOOKS LIKE MY X-WIFE!

JIMBO
Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The
hummer's outside!!

EXT. WISCONSIN - DAY

A title card now says 'Green Bay Wisconsin'. We ZOOM IN on a
green & yellow building that says 'Sports Spa'.

INT. SPORTS SPA - DAY

We are inside a foggy Sauna. As the fog clears, we see Mr.
Hat perched on one of the sauna seats.

We HEAR a DOOR OPEN, and in walks BRETT FARVRE wearing only
a towel and his Packer's Jersey. He takes off the Jersey and
sits down next to Mr. Hat.

BRETT FARVRE
Hi. I haven't seen you in here before.

CLOSE UP on Mr. Hat, he glances at Farvre.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

A new reporter, this one more professional and sophisticated
stands out front of the blackened Mayor's office.

REPORTER
As more and more cities are affected
by the growing ash, and the death
toll rises to three thousand, People
from all over the country are looking
to the Mayor of South Park for
answers.

People start bustling. The Mayor's aides walk down the steps.

REPORTER
And it appears as if the Mayor is
going to explain matters now!

The Mayor's assistants take their places at a podium.

ASSISTANT
Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor
of South Park regrets that she cannot
be here herself, but she is... sick.

The reporters are outraged. Everybody SHOUTS AND JEERS.

NEWSGUY
SICK?! WHAT KIND OF LAME EXCUSE IS
THAT?!

NEWSGUY #2
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!

NEWSGUY
Oh this is ridiculous!

NEWSGUY #2
We want answers.

ASSISTANT #2
She's having her period.

Suddenly, everyone gets quiet.

NEWSGUY
Oh.

ASSISTANT
We do, however, have an official
statement for all the concerned cities
about the matter with the giant snake
that we can't seem to put out.

The assistant nudges the other assistant, who takes out a
piece of paper and reads it.

ASSISTANT #2
We're sorry. Our bad.

He folds the paper back up.

ASSISTANT
Thank you, that is all.

The assistants quickly run back upstairs.

Again the reporters burst out into shouts and Jeers.

EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY

CARTMAN
Okay, no first graders around. I can
swim to the deep end... I can do
it... I can do it... I can, I'm gonna
make it...

EXT. EARTH - DAY

From space, we can actually see the giant snake, in it's
branching out state taking over the U.S.

EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY

The boys are sitting by the giant disc watching it continue
to grow with bored expressions.

One SOLITARY GUY stands next to them, holding a sign that
says 'This is it! repent your sins! The end is upon us!'

The guy with the sign looks just as bored as the boys do.

STAN
How many days left in summer?

KYLE
A lot I think.

STAN
Dammit! I just want it to snow again!

KYLE
I don't think it matters, dude. This
giant snake is gonna kill everyone
soon.

Jimbo's big ass hummer screeches to a halt in front of the
boys.

JIMBO
BUENOS GRACIAS, BOYS!!

STAN
(bored)
Hi uncle Jimbo.

JIMBO
Oh now, why the long faces?

KYLE
We're bored!

STAN
There's nothing to do.

Jimbo looks at the twisting, burning snake.

JIMBO
Well... I don't think those are
problems that some TIJUANA BOTTLE
ROCKETS CAN'T SOLVE!!!

Jimbo holds out the box.

BOYS
HOORAY!!!!

Jimbo and Ned hand out the large bottle rockets to the boys.

JIMBO
Careful with those, now, those are
dangerous.

Everybody holds a Tijuana Bottle Rocket. Jimbo takes out a
lighter and lights the ends.

JIMBO
Point 'em away from your eyes, now.

KYLE
Wow! These are HUGE!

As the fuses burn, Jimbo walks over to Ned and puts one arm
around him.

JIMBO
Aw, look at them Ned. Look how much
happiness a little firepower can
bring to a child...

Suddenly, the bottle rockets all FLY OUT!! Into the SKY!!

BLAM!!!! The rockets explode on the snake, blasting it into
flakes of ash.

The ash falls all around the base of the snake and puts out
the fire!!

STAN
HEY, LOOK! WE BLEW UP THE SNAKE!!

Suddenly, a small crowd of townspeople gather around.

TOWNSPERSON
All the ash from the snake is putting
the flame out!

JIMBO
Well, how do you like that? Bottle
rockets SAVED the Fourth of July!

BOYS
HOORAY!!

EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY

CARTMAN
I'm gonna make it... I'm gonna make
it to the deep end. I did it!!! I
did it!!! I made it to the deep end.
Hooray for me.

LIFEGUARD
(off camera)
The snake's been destroyed. The pool's
open.

A hand reaches in and yanks off the sign. The first graders
all jump into the empty pool and it turns yellow with their
pee.

CARTMAN
Huh?... Oh no... you sons of bitches!
Ahh sons of bitches.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

The black ash continues to fall all around. Everything is
slowly turning black.

TOWNSPERSON
LOOK! THEY PUT OUT THE SNAKE!!

The townspeople all cheer.

MAYOR
Uh... Yes! Apparently my plan to
blow up the snake worked perfectly!

KYLE
Hey look!

Kyle points to the flakes of blackened ash that falls from
the sky.

KYLE
It's snowing!!!

JIMBO
Well, it's snowing black ash, but
what the hell!

All the children in the area cheer.

Within seconds it becomes a festive, wintery scene. As
Christmas music plays, the kids all play in the black "snow"
having snowball fights, building snowmen and making snow
angles.

STAN
WINTER'S BACK!!

Just then Mr. Garrison appears. He has a new, strange puppet
attached to his hand. It's just a stick with a shirt on it.

MR. GARRISON
Wow! It's a black blizzard!

KYLE
Mr. Garrison... where's Mr. Hat?

MR. GARRISON
Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a
two timing whore. From now on
children, you're all going to be
learning from Mr. TWIG!

Mr. Garrison holds up a twig with a purple shirt on that has
a pink triangle on in.

MR. GARRISON (AS MR. TWIG)
That's right children, I'll see you
in the fall!!

STAN
(sarcastically)
I can hardly wait.

EPILOGUE

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

Chef's car pulls up from over the hill. Chef gets out of his
car and looks around. He can't believe what he's seeing.

From Chef's POV, we see the all black town of South Park.
Kids are still playing in the black ash as if it was snow.

Chef looks over and sees the boys building a black snow man.
They are absolutely black themselves. In fact, their faces
look like they're in black-face.

CHEF
Hey children, everybody.. I'm back,
I'm back from Aruba. What the...

STAN
Hey Chef!

CARTMAN
How's it going?

Chef looks to his left and sees a group of townspeople, also
all in blackface, cleaning up the streets.

TOWNSPERSON
Howdy Chef! How was your summer
vacation?

Chef's jaw is dropped wide open.

CHEF
Okay, everybody get in a line so I
can WHOOP ALL YOUR ASSES!

THE END

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