"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER"

Screenplay by

Robbie Fox

SHOOTING DRAFT



FADE IN:

OPEN ON:

MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SHOTS OF SAN FRANCISCO - DUSK

Over this we hear a recording of Jack Kerouac's poem, San
Francisco which is accompanied by a BE-BOP trio. Kerouac's
poetry coincides with the various shots of San Francisco. We
come to a sign for Jack Kerouac Street. We PAN OVER to "THE
CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE" and continue along to the ALLEYWAY
where there is a large high-contrast black and white sign
depicting Jack Kerouac in his famous "I'm looking into the
distance, having a brilliant thought" pose...

CHARLIE MACKENZIE, in his late twenties, wearing a flannel
shirt and torn jeans, walks INTO THE FRAME, right in front
of the picture of Jack Kerouac and inadvertently strikes the
exact same pose. We PULL BACK to reveal that Charlie has a
bag of garbage in his right hand, which he deposits in the
alleyway. We FOLLOW Charlie into...

INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE

We FOLLOW him through the store. By day he is the Assistant
Manager, by night he is a poet.

A MAN in his fifties, wearing a beret and a goatee is reading,
Charles Bukowski's, Playing The Piano Like a Percussive
Instrument, Until Your Fingers Begin To Bleed A Bit.

Charlie takes his place behind the cash register and resumes
writing in his handsome leather-bound poetry journal.

CHARLIE
(sotto)
O' SCOTLAND
YOUR SUCKLED TEET OF SHAME

CUSTOMER approaches.

CUSTOMER
Do you have the book On The Road by
Jack Kerouac?

Every day there is a steady stream of tourists who come in
to get copies of On The Road. Charlie is use to this and
without looking up he points to a huge, well marked display
of thousands of copies of On The Road. Another TOURIST COUPLE
approach.

TOURIST
Do you have a copy of On The Road by
Jack Kerouac?

Again not looking up, Charlie just points.

TOURIST
Thanks.

EXT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - NIGHT

Charlie puts the "CLOSED" sign on the door and proceeds to
walk home.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS

The sights and the sounds of the city are accentuated by the
BEBOP as he sees life, warts and all. As the streets become
less populated, he can now hear the sounds of his own
FOOTSTEPS and, a COUPLE BICKERING. The streets become even
more deserted. The night is closing in on him. A cat darts
out from an alleyway and startles him. He quickens his pace.
RUMBLINGS make him cross the street to avoid the danger.
Headlights of a slow moving car approach from the distance.
Charlie, frightened, turns another corner onto:

HIS STREET

He approaches a 3-story Victorian home, in which he has an
apartment on the second floor, he notices a light on in his
window. A CRASHING sound from within.

CUT TO:

HANDS

taking papers out of a desk drawer.

CUT TO:

CHARLIE

carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing
it. He reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand.
Sound of BREAKING GLASS from his apartment upstairs.

CUT BACK TO:

SHATTERED PICTURE FRAME

with a photo of Charlie and an angelic blonde.

CUT BACK TO:

CHARLIE

finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of
his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing.

CUT TO:

THE HANDS

clasp a jewelry box on the top of the dresser and stuff them
into a dufflebag; the jewelry is followed by CD's.

CUT TO:

CHARLIE

pushing open his apartment door in a mock SWAT maneuver,
then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in
the bedroom. He stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop
making a loud metal VITTSWINGGGG's sound. He freezes,
terrified.

CUT TO:

THE BEDROOM

where the HANDS, freeze.

CUT BACK TO:

CHARLIE

Like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats...
then springs Samurai style into...

THE BEDROOM

He freezes.

REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL

that the HANDS belong to the angelic blonde in the broken
picture. It's Charlie's girlfriend, SHERRI.

CHARLIE
Sherri! What are you doing?

SHERRI
I'm leaving you.

CHARLIE
Oh, thank God... I thought you were
robbing our own home, because frankly,
that's insane. I mean, what could
you possibly gain by robbing your
own home? I don't mean to meddle,
but isn't it better to rob other
peoples' homes? Start accumulating
their wealth as opposed to just
reaccumulating your own wealth.

SHERRI
That's not funny, Charlie. I'm really
leaving.

She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things.

CHARLIE
What?! Just because we had a fight
last night?

SHERRI
We've had a fight every night for
two months. Ever since I brought up
the subject of marriage, you've found
fault with everything I do. Why
couldn't we have gotten married,
Charlie?

CHARLIE
(beat)
I'm too young to get married.
(begins putting her
things back)
I'm only twenty-nine and a half. We
love living together.

SHERRI
It's been two years now. I need
something more.

CHARLIE
See, Sherri, this is frustrating for
me, okay. When we first started going
out I thought we agreed that we
weren't the sort of people who got
married.

SHERRI
That's like saying we're not the
sort of people who are going to grow
old. We're not going to fall into
that "growing old" trap. Face it,
you've got a problem with commitment,
Charlie. Take a look at your other
girlfriends. Every time you get close
to a commitment there's something
wrong with them.

CHARLIE
Hey, I broke up with them for good
reasons.

SHERRI
What about Sandy?

CHARLIE
Sandy was an alcoholic.

SHERRI
No-no-no. You thought she was an
alcoholic. She just drank more than
you drank. What about Jill?

CHARLIE
She hated my family.

SHERRI
You thought she hated your family.
Nobody hates your family. Everybody
loves your family. What about Julie?

CHARLIE
She smelled like soup.

SHERRI
What does that mean?

CHARLIE
She smelled exactly like Campbell's
Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty,
physically dirty.

SHERRI
Well, Charlie, I wonder what you're
gonna say were my problems? Are you
gonna tell your friends that I was a
junkie, that I wasn't supportive
enough or that I smelled like relish?
Charlie, I loved you. It could have
worked out.
(she goes to the door)
Think about it.

She leaves.

ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE'S CAR - DUSK

Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a
night on the town.

Tony is second generation Italian-American with very
Mediterranean features. They're listening to Teenage Fan
Club. They pass Ghierardeli Square.

CHARLIE
Tony, Teenage Fan Club, they're
Scottish you know?

TONY
Oh.

CHARLIE
I had that dream again.

TONY
Oh, is that the one where you suspect
that a fat man in a diaper, on a
lazy susan has interfered with your
plans for the evening?

CHARLIE
No, but I have had that one. No, in
this one I'm in love...

TONY
Yeah.

CHARLIE
And I say to myself, 'I've finally
found somebody that I'm truly
comfortable with.' You know when
you're so comfortable that you'll
let them put makeup on you to see
what you would look like if you were
a girl. Anyways you know what I do
in the dream next?

TONY
You propose?

CHARLIE
(after a pause)
No. I die.

TONY
But Charlie, you're a normal suburban
guy at heart, from a normal suburban
family. Didn't you tell me you always
wanted to get married and have a
family.

CHARLIE
Yes, but, I'm afraid, okay? There
are seven main rites of passage in a
man's life. Birth, first day of
school, last day of school. Marriage.
Kids. Retirement. Death. I'm at
marriage. I'm two rites of passage
away from death.

TONY
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Tony is doing three-sixties, scoping out beauties, when
suddenly his roving eyes lock on a police car directly behind
them. He slouches down into his seat.

TONY
Christ. It's the cops.

CHARLIE
Tony, you are a cop.

TONY
I know. Isn't it awful? I work with
those guys. They're assholes.

The police car passes.

INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

Tony and Charlie enter. There is a poet on stage. The club
is full of art tarts and college bohemians. They are greeted
by the club's owner, GIUSEPPI, an Italian man in his fifties.

TONY
Salve zio mio.

UNCLE
Allora? Che catzo fai, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Hi, Uncle Giuseppi.

UNCLE
Tony, come' stai bello il tuo pappa
e' in galera per la terza volta.

Tony's uncle shows them to a table.

UNCLE
I'll have the waitress bring you
cappuccino.

CHARLIE
What did your uncle say?

TONY
He says my Dad's back in jail again.

CHARLIE
Ah, I'm sorry, man.

TONY
You know, it's funny I don't even
feel related to my parents anymore.
I feel like your mom and dad are
more like my parents. I feel more
Scottish than Italian.

CHARLIE
Tony Spiletti, I don't think you
could get more Italian than that.
Unless of course your name was Tony
Italian Guy.

Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar.

CHARLIE
I'm so bummed. Sherri was great,
wasn't she? I'm an asshole, aren't
I?

TONY
Yes.

CHARLIE
You've got to help me get through
this night.

TONY
You've just got to get back on the
horse.

The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large
cups like they have in France.

CHARLIE
Waitress, I'm sorry, there seems to
be a mistake. I ordered the large
cappuccino.

Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange,
"This could be promising." looks.

CHARLIE
(to the girls)
Do you think these cups could be
larger? They're practically bowls.

The girls laugh again.

CHARLIE
I feel like I'm having Campbell's
Cuppuccino.

TONY
Join us in a cup of coffee? There's
enough room?

GIRLS
Sure!

The girls come over.

SUSAN
My name's Susan and this is June. We
think you're funny.

TONY
My name's Tony. This is my friend
Charlie.

CHARLIE
Look, Tony, I'm going home. See you
later, girls.

Tony grabs him and pulls him aside.

TONY
You really don't understand, do you?
When a girl comes over to your table
and says, 'I think you're funny.' It
means you've pretty much been given
the keys to the city. Charlie, this
is big.

CHARLIE
Perhaps you've confused me with
someone who gives a shit. Here's
what's gonna happen, Tony. We'll end
up going out with them tonight, maybe
even home with them. Well go out for
two months. Soon she'll move in,
we'll be happy, She'll want more of
a commitment. I'll be terrified and
I'll do something to ruin it. Just
like I did with Sherri.

He leaves. Tony is left with the two girls.

JUNE
Poor, guy... He seemed so nice.

TONY
(talking, choked up)
I just broke up with somebody as
well. She left me high and dry.

The girls try to comfort him.

INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT

Three quarters of the furnishings and items have disappeared
with Sherri. Charlie sits dejectedly on the floor over his
Poetry Journal. He is missing Sherri. We see...

CHARLIE'S FACE

He looks out and is struck by an idea and begins to write.

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

I AM LONELY

CHARLIE'S FACE

Again he looks out, finds his inspiration and continues to
write

IN THE JOURNAL

IT'S REALLY HARD

CHARLIE'S FACE

A gentle tear rolls down his left cheek. He pauses, then
finishes off the stanza.

IN THE JOURNAL

THIS POEM SUCKS

After the last line he scratches out the entire poem. He
closes the book and turns on the TV set to CNN to veg out.
The show is "What's Cooking! With Burt Wolf."

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET

Charlie is driving in his car. He drives slowly looking for
an address. Finds it, slips in to a parking spot in front.

EXT. BUTCHER'S SHOP - MEATS OF THE WORLD

Adorning the front are a "GRAND OPENING" sign and miniature
flags of the world. Charlie goes inside.

INT. BUTCHER'S SHOP

It's a small, hip shop selling specialty meats from around
the world. Charlie looks around. Suddenly, an attractive
woman in her late twenties, wearing a blood-stained smock
enters. It is HARRIET MICHAELS. She has a cleaver in one
hand and something bloody in the other.

HARRIET
(angry)
Goddamn shoplifter.
(conscious of Charlie's
presence; holding up
bloody meat)
But I got him!
(smiles)
You're next.

CHARLIE
(backing out the door;
terrified)
I've come at a bad time.

HARRIET
No stay!

CHARLIE
No, no, really... Obviously you've
got things you have to do. You've
got to dismember the rest of his
bloody torso. Dig a makeshift shallow
grave. Cover the body with quick
lime. Really so much to do, so little
time and I'm only in the way here,
I'm just gonna go. Good luck.

HARRIET
(referring to meat in
hand)
Oh, this! Oh, no, this is what he
stole. This isn't a piece of him or
anything. This is Icelandic Shank.

CHARLIE
I bet it goes well with a nice
Chianti. Fittfittfitt.

HARRIET
(laughs)
Can I help you?

CHARLIE
Yes. Do you have haggis?

HARRIET
Yes, we do. It's over here in our
Scottish Cuts section. One?

This is a section under glass flying a Scottish flag, with
haggis and various cuts of Scottish meat.

CHARLIE
Yes! I've never been able to find
haggis anywhere, except at my parents'
house. They're Scottish.

Harriet rounds the counter and wraps up the haggis. Behind
her is the large "PRUSSIAN VENISON" sign.

HARRIET
(ringing up his order)
That'll be fifteen, seventy-nine.
Will there be anything else?

CHARLIE
Yes. I know it's a long shot, but
you wouldn't by any chance happen to
have any Prussian Venison?

HARRIET
Now where in the world would I get
Prussian Venison?

Charlie's charmed.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET

Charlie is driving along listening to Kerouac. We absorb the
flavor of San Francisco as he drives down Lombard Street.

EXT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

An old crappie apartment building in San Francisco. Charlie's
car pulls up. We hear "SATURDAY NIGHT" by the Bay City
Rollers.

INT. OUTER HALLWAY OF CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

Charlie approaches a door.

CHARLIE
(calling up)
Mom, Dad, I'm here.

STUART (O.S.)
We're in here, son.

The apartment is a shrine to Scotland. Scottish paraphernalia,
miniature Scotty dogs, shortbread tins and, on wall, framed
pictures depict famous Scotsmen, Sean Connery, Jackie Stewart,
Alexander Graham Bell, James Doohan (Scottie from "Star
Trek"), Sheena Easton, Billy Connolly.

CHARLIE'S POV - AS WE ENTER THE LIVING ROOM

We see STUART, MAY, TONY, and little WILLIAM, Charlie's
fourteen year old little brother all singing:

ALL
(singing)
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y... NIGHT

STUART
(noticing Charlie)
Come give your old man a kiss or
I'll kick your teeth in.

The group are eating dinner on TV trays. Charlie walks over
and turns off the record.

MAY
Charlie, put on Charlie Pride, would
ya? Oh, I love Charlie Pride.
(begins singing; in
thick Scottish accent)
HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD...

STUART
May, shut it.

STUART MACKENZIE is in his late fifties, a butcher, with
Coke bottle glasses and thick head of black hair. His red-
haired wife, MAY, is in her fifties, attractive with a soft,
but tough appearance. Little WILLIAM, has a very large head
and a skinny neck. Like Charlie, he was born in America.

Charlie gives his Mom a hug, his father a kiss.

CHARLIE
Hey, William.

WILLIAM
(on his stomach on
the floor; watching
TV)
Hey, Charlie.

STUART
SCORES! MAGIC GOAL!

On the television, Stuart's team, Glasgow Celtic, has scored.

TONY
Aye -- magic.

STUART
Let's have a look at the re-play.
William, move your head. Look at the
size of that ooy's heed. I'm not
kidding. It's like an orange on a
tooth pick.

MAY
Stuart, you're going to give the boy
a complex.

STUART
I'm not kidding. That's a huge
noggin'. It has it's own weather
system. It's a virtual planetoid.
(shouting to William)
Heed! Move!

We see the re-play of the goal on TV. Tony sits down and May
brings over a plate of stew and three types of potatoes,
piled very high.

MAY
Is that enough potatoes, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Enough to recreate Devil's Tower in
"Close Encounters".

STUART
(sniffs the air)
Do I smell haggis?

CHARLIE
Aye, you do.

MAY
(taking it)
I'll put it in the frig.

Charlie notices Tony reading some papers. He realizes it's
literature from the Lyndon H. LaRouche Society.

CHARLIE
Dad, what are you doing to Tony now?
Why do you abuse his mind like this?

STUART
That's the latest report from Lyndon
H. LaRouche, outlining how the Queen
and the Rothschilds masterminded the
Soviet overthrow, so that they could
reclaim lands they had annexed during
the Holy Roman Empire.

TONY
(goading Charlie)
You know a lot of this makes sense.

CHARLIE
I think you're suffering from the
Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages
start to relate to their captors.

STUART
Listen, Sonny Jim, it's a known fact
there's a society of the five
wealthiest people in the world, called
the Pentaverate, who run everything
and meet three times a year at a
secret country mansion in Colorado,
known as "The Meadows."

CHARLIE
(sarcastic)
And that's obviously why we haven't
heard about it in the newspapers.

STUART
(inappropriately angry
& loud)
That's right. They fuckin' own the
papers, smartass. And everything
else. Why do you think Scotland's
not been able to get independence?
Because the Queen the Pentavirate
and those English dome heads in West
Minster won't have it.

CHARLIE
Who are the other members of this
pentaverate?

STUART
The Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys,
the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders
before he went tits up. Oh, I hated
the Colonel with his wee beady eyes.
And that smug look on his face.

CHARLIE
Dad how can you hate "the Colonel?"

STUART
Because the Colonel puts an addictive
chemical in it that makes you crave
it fortnightly.

CHARLIE
Interesting... coo-coo

MAY
Would anyone like a juice? Charlie,
did I tell you, we bought a Juice
Tiger?

CHARLIE
A Juice Tiger?

MAY
Aye, it's a juicer. It's part of my
National Enquirer, Garth Brooks diet.
Would you like potato juice?

CHARLIE
Thank you, no.

MAY
Sherri's late.

CHARLIE
Yeah, uh, Sherri and I broke up.

MAY
Oh, you didn't. Sherri was the
daughter your father was never able
to give me.

CHARLIE
I'm just not ready for marriage. I'm
twenty-nine and my poems haven't
even been published yet.

STUART
But it's not just the poetry is it
son? You're afraid if you get married
you'll lose your muse. Look at me, I
was a strapping young butcher, at
the height of my creative powers.
When it came to de-boning a side of
beef, there was nobody that could
touch me. Then I married your mother.
And people would still stand in awe
as I filleted a shoulder of lamb.

MAY
Maybe it's just as well not to get
married, look at the news. Where did
I put it?

STUART
Heed. Move that melon of yours into
the bathroom and get the paper for
your mother.

William gets the National Enquirer and brings it back.

CHARLIE
That's not news, Dad. That's bullshit.
I wouldn't wipe my ass with that
paper.

STUART
What are you talking about? It's the
fifth highest circulating paper in
the United States, I'll have you
know.

MAY
Oh, here it is. Mrs. X. The Honeymoon
Murderer. She marries men under fake
identities, and then murders them.
She killed some German martial arts
expert, and some plumber named Ralph
Elliot. Her whereabouts are unknown.

There's another goal on the TV set.

STUART
Scores! Two nil. Magic!

TONY
Ah, beautiful goal. We HOLD on the
TV set.

Time passes. The TV set

CROSS FADES:

TO THE END OF THE GAME

The two teams are shaking hands. And the final scores chyron
shows Celtic beating Rangers three nothing. We see Charlie
and Tony are leaving. Stuart is blind drunk.

STUART
(singing Rod Stewart's
song)
YOU'RE IN MY EYES, YOU'RE IN MY
DREAMS...
YOU'RE CELTIC, UNITED
AND BABY I'VE DECIDED...

MAY
Ah, you're steaming.

She meets Charlie and Tony at the door and kisses him good-
bye. She turns to kiss Tony, and holds on the kiss far too
long.

TONY
(pulling away)
See you later, Mrs. MacKenzie.

MAY
Oh, you've turned into a sexy Italian
bastard.

CHARLIE
See you later, mom.
(calling out)
See you later, Dad.

STUART
Fine. Go! You've stayed your hour.

Charlie and Tony leave and enter...

THE HALLWAY

where they find William sitting on the stairs waiting for
them.

WILLIAM
Take me with you.

EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD - LATE AFTERNOON

Charlie's drives by and notices Harriet, who's unwinding the
store awning in Dutch national costume. The banner announces
"DUTCH WEEK." "MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES DUTCH MEAT."

Charlie slows down to look at her. She looks great in her
little Dutch costume.

INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY

Charlie is again writing at the counter. Another PERSON
enters.

MAN
Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to
have...

Charlie again points to the Kerouac section without looking
up.

MAN
Thanks.

ON THE PAD

Charlie writes...

OH MEAT MAID,
IF THE CATTLE HAD HAD A CHOICE, THEY WOULD HAVE SLAUGHTERED
THEMSELVES
WILLINGLY
FOR A CHANCE
TO BE TOUCHED
BY YOUR FINGERS

CUT TO:

CHARLIE'S FACE

She's on his mind.

EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

Charlie's car pulls up. The sign reads, "WELSH WEEK" "MEATS
OF THE WORLD SALUTES WELSH MEATS"

INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

The store is very busy. There is a line at the meat counter
seven people deep. Charlie takes his place at the end of the
line.

We see a montage of a persons hands chopping a rack of lamb
into lamb chops, and carving meat with surgical efficiency.

HARRIET
(spotting Charlie in
the crowd)
Oh, hi haggis, right?

CHARLIE
It was a big hit.

HARRIET
(finishing up with a
customer)
I remember you told me you were
Scottish, but do you really like
haggis.

CHARLIE
No. I think it's repellent in every
way. In fact, I think most Scottish
cuisine is based on a dare.

Harriet laughs.

HARRIET
(to the next customer)
Can I help you?
(to Charlie)
Sorry, I'm really busy.

CHARLIE
Look, um, my dad's a butcher, do you
need a hand?

HARRIET
Well, actually, Yes.

Charlie puts on a very stylish butcher smock and crosses
behind the counter.

HARRIET
Can you get me four Belgian
porterhouses? Do you know what a
porterhouse looks like?

CHARLIE
I'm meat literate.

Time passes we see a montage of Harriet and Charlie serving
customers. Ending on a customer's POV of Charlie.

CUSTOMER (O.S.)
Yes, do you have any fresh blubber?

CHARLIE
I'll check.
(pause)
You want blubber, right?

CUSTOMER
Yeah.

We see Charlie's POV of an Eskimo with a "lower forty-eighth"
accent.

CUSTOMER
My parents are coming to town. You
know how parents are. They'll drive
you nuts.

The Eskimo exits, there are no customers left.

HARRIET
Look, I'm really grateful. Can I
offer you some meat as payment?
Please, help yourself to some meat.

CHARLIE
I'm trying to be a vegetarian.

HARRIET
Trying to be a vegetarian?

CHARLIE
Yeah, the problem is I really love
hot-dogs.

HARRIET
I think the meat industry invented
hot-dogs to stop people from becoming
vegetarians. There's got to be
something I can do to repay you.

CHARLIE
You could take me to a nice romantic
dinner.

EXT. PIER - NIGHT

Charlie and Harriet are eating hot-dogs. As Charlie puts the
relish on, he smells the relish.

CHARLIE
(sniffing the relish)
This reminds me of my ex-girlfriend.

HARRIET
I hate talking about old
relationships.

CHARLIE
Then let's not and say we did.

HARRIET
(she laughs)
That was easy -- What a nice guy.
You've probably never done a mean
thing in your life.

CHARLIE
You'd be surprised.

HARRIET
I'd like to hear.
(to his confused look)
Name me something bad you've done in
your life.

CHARLIE
Are you kidding me?

HARRIET
No. Did you ever steal anything? You
ever hit someone?

CHARLIE
Well, I've been in fights. Let me
think.

HARRIET
(as Charlie thinks)
Not one bad thing, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Tell me something bad you've done.
And it better be bad. I mean, evil.

HARRIET
How evil?

CHARLIE
Really evil.
(thinks)
Like how many people have you brutally
murdered?

HARRIET
"Brutal" is such a subjective word.
I mean, what's brutal to one person
might be totally reasonable to
another.

Next to them is a German couple, speaking German, looking
through a coin-operated binocular. He says something which
causes her to cry.

CHARLIE
This just reminded her of that scene
in "Brian's Song".

HARRIET
Actually, he just proposed to her.
Those are tears of joy.

She lifts her soda to toast them.

HARRIET
Prost.

The man and woman smile and nod.

MAN
Danke, Fraulein.

CHARLIE
You're very smart. It's a shame I'm
going to have to destroy you.

HARRIET
Do bright women intimidate you?

CHARLIE
No, not at all.

HARRIET
Really, what do you look for in women
you date?

CHARLIE
(thinks)
Well, I know everyone always say
"sense of humor", but I'd have to go
with breast size.
(she laughs)
How about you? In a guy.

HARRIET
Income of course, and then...
(thinks)
...savings.

He smiles at her.

CHARLIE
Me likey how you thinkey.

INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The lights turn on, and then they enter a very bohemian
apartment. There is artists paraphernalia strewn around. A
small bar separates the living area from the kitchen. She
smiles and walks off into the kitchen.

HARRIET
I'll make us some tea.

He checks out her apartment. On the wall there is a huge
poster of the BOARDWALK IN ATLANTIC CITY.

CHARLIE
Hey, you know what this apartment
needs? A really large oversized poster
of Atlantic City.

HARRIET
I used to live there. That's where I
had my first supermarket job.

On his way out, he peeks into the bedroom, where he finds a
bed that is facing neither parallel nor perpendicular with
the wall. It is just kind of "there".

HARRIET (O.S.)
(coming into room)
I only have chamomile. I hope that's
all right.

He looks at her and then at the "Oddly-placed" bed.

HARRIET
It's North-South.
(to his confused look)
For health reasons. See... I had
this friend, he was a martial arts
expert. Anyways, he used to sleep
North-South. I don't know... It's a
martial arts thing and it just sort
of became a habit with me.

CHARLIE
(walking into living
room)
You know Scotland has it's own martial
arts. It's called FUCKU. It's mostly
head butting and kicking people when
they're on the ground.

Harriet starts laughing. Then so does Charlie. They lean
into each other. Pretty close. Too close even, and when it
seems like they're going to kiss, Charlie suddenly gets
uncomfortable and looks at his watch.

HARRIET
Late?

CHARLIE
No. No. Not for me.

HARRIET
Who for then?

CHARLIE
Who for then what?

HARRIET
Well, you looked at your watch and
said it wasn't late for you... I
wondered who it was late for.

CHARLIE
Not me. No, Sir. Not here.
(after a pause;
checking watch)
Maybe it is late.

She gets him his coat. He starts to leave.

CHARLIE
Look, the truth is, yes, I had a
great time, and I'd like to kiss
you, but if we do kiss, then we'll
kiss on the couch and if we kiss on
the couch, then we'll kiss in the
bedroom, and once you're in the
bedroom -- Well, the thing is, I
always rush it. And this time I feel
like maybe I should wait. Maybe we
should let it build naturally and
grow, instead of just immediately
spending the night together.

HARRIET
I want to spend the night together.

CHARLIE
(sold)
I have no problem with that.

THE BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

They are both fast asleep. She is curled up in his arms.
Suddenly, she begins to speak.

HARRIET
Yes! Yes!

Charlie's eyes open. He smiles.

HARRIET
Yes Ralph. I will. Ralph.

Charlie's smile fades. He sits up and looks at her. She is
lying completely still on the bed, her eyes closed, and still
sleep-talking.

HARRIET (O.S.)
Now now Ralph!

CHARLIE
(waking her)
Harriet...? Harriet...?
(as her eyes open)
You were having a dream, or...? You
kept saying the name Ralph.

HARRIET
Ralph?

CHARLIE
Ralph. I heard you say it.

HARRIET
(sleepily)
That's odd. Just today I was thinking
about, her. She's a friend.

CHARLIE
(starting to leave)
Is she nice --? Ralph...

HARRIET
Yeah. She's great.

DISSOLVE INTO:

INT. HARRIET'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Charlie is sleeping alone in the bed, and the sound of RUNNING
WATER is heard off in the distance. His eyes slowly open, he
looks around, remembers where he is. He puts on his shorts
and walks towards the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

Through the steam we can just make out Harriet in the shower
washing her hair. Charlie walks over.

CHARLIE
You know... with this drought in
California total strangers are urged
to shower together.

He opens the curtain. It's not Harriet. The woman, ROSE,
calmly looks at him and closes the curtain.

ROSE
Go away.

CHARLIE
Oh God. I'm sorry. Jesus. Excuse me.

He backs out of the room.

INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT

The door opens and a hurriedly dressed Charlie emerges. Before
he gets to the door he once again encounters Rose. She's
completely dressed. Even her hair is dry.

CHARLIE
Hi. I'm really sorry. I must have
scared the... I'm Harriet's friend,
Charlie, and you must be...
(hopefully)
Ralph?

ROSE
I'm Harriet's sister, Rose. And this
is Harriet's note.

He reaches for it, but she reads it aloud to him.

ROSE
(reading)
'Dear Charlie, I didn't want to wake
you, make yourself at home, thanks
for making me smile.' Harriet.

CHARLIE
That's a very nice note.

ROSE
I'll make you some breakfast.

CHARLIE
Gee, I'd love to but I'm running
late.

ROSE
What would you say to blueberry
pancakes, bacon, fresh squeezed grape
juice and Kona coffee?

INT. KITCHEN - LATER

Charlie and Rose sit at the table each eating a bowl of dry
cereal.

ROSE
I'm sorry I didn't have any of those
other things.

CHARLIE
Hey, that stuff'll kill you while
Fruit Loops are light and probably
reasonably high in Fiber. I like
Apple Jacks too.

ROSE
Got 'em.

CHARLIE
So this is your apartment?

Rose starts sketching Charlie.

ROSE
Yes. She's been here the past three
months... ever since she came back
from Miami. I used to visit her
occasionally. She didn't speak of
me?

CHARLIE
(shakes his head, no)
She told me about a martial arts guy
and there was some discussion about
Ralph...

ROSE
She spoke of them...?

CHARLIE
She spoke of the martial arts guy
and screamed about Ralph...

ROSE
(affectionately)
Well, you know Harriet.

CHARLIE
Actually, I really don't.

ROSE
(puzzled)
But you did have sex with her?

CHARLIE
(taken aback)
Hello.

ROSE
Yet you still don't know her.
(contemplates this)
See, that's the problem with sex.
It's not very revealing.

CHARLIE
My, look at the time.

He stands up.

ROSE
(after a pause)
You should be careful, Charlie.

CHARLIE
I am... usually. I just... You should
know, this is very unusual that I
would do this so soon, in this day
and age particularly, but... We just
really hit it off. We did. And...

ROSE
I'm gonna go now. I won't tell Harriet
that anything happened.

CHARLIE
But... nothing did happen.

ROSE
Exactly. Or she would be jealous.
And when she gets jealous, we both
know what she's capable of.

CHARLIE
No, we don't. You do, like I said, I
just met her.

ROSE
You'll be okay, Charlie. Just be
careful.

She leaves. Charlie is baffled.

INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY

As Charlie walks by, FRED, a lanky customer in his late teens
is buying a book.

FRED
Hey, Charlie. How you doin'?

CHARLIE
Good. Good. Look, Fred...
(leaning in)
You got a lot of girlfriends, right?
You know any girls named Ralph?

FRED
Ralph? Gee, Charlie. Isn't that a
guy's name?

CHARLIE
Well, not necessarily, but... Never
mind. Thanks, Fred.

Charlie catches the store manager, PENNY, on her way into
her office.

CHARLIE
Hey Penny, I wanted to ask you --
you know some girls named Ralph,
right? I mean, that's a girl's name
also, isn't it?

PENNY
(confused)
I don't think so, Charlie... Uh...

CHARLIE
(walking away)
Forget it. Thanks.

She walks into her office totally confused.

EXT. DOCKSIDE - ALCATRAZ TOUR KIOSK - MAINLAND - DAY

Tony and Charlie are waiting in line.

AERIAL VIEW OF BOAT

as they travel to the island.

TONY (V.O.)
You know I've lived in this city all
my life and I've never been to
Alcatraz.

ALCATRAZ

We open on the LOUD BANGING of a CELL DOOR. We find our tour
group in the holding area. The PARK RANGER is a beefy man in
his late fifties and talks with emotionless, military
precision.

PARK RANGER
Hello, everyone I'm a park ranger
and I will be leading you on the
tour. All the park rangers here at
Alcatraz were at one time guards,
myself included. My name is John
Johnson, but everyone here calls me
Vicki. Will you please follow me?

They are led out. We see that Alcatraz is a sinister place.
Cold and unforgiving. The Park Ranger leads them to the center
of a cell block.

TONY
You're glowing, Charlie. The man's
in love.

CHARLIE
Sssh... Stop it. I'm trying to listen.

PARK RANGER
This is the main cell block area.
Home to such famous criminals as Al
Capone, Micky Cohen, Joseph "Dutch"
Critzer, and Robert Stroud, the famous
Bird Man of Alcatraz. Follow me,
please.

The Park Ranger leads them past the famous visiting rooms,
the mess hall, all the way to the solitary confinement area.

A CELL

PARK RANGER
This is the cell for solitary
confinement, that over the years has
come to be known as Times Square.

Tony and Charlie are at the back of the tour group.

TONY
So did you and Harriet?... you know...

CHARLIE
(grinning)
Sssh I don't want to talk about it.

TONY
With that look, you don't have to
talk about it. The grin alone could
get you five to seven years.

CHARLIE
Tony, get your mind out of the gutter.
All you need to know is that she's a
sweet, kind and loving person.

PARK RANGER
Now this is something none of the
other tour guides will tell you. In
this particular cell block Machine
Gunn Kelly had, what we call in the
prison system, a "bitch." And one
day, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a
makeshift knife, or "shiv," and cut
out his "bitch's" eyes.

CHARLIE
Look, what can I tell you. I'm
smitten. I'm in deep smit. I dunno.
I just don't wanna talk about it,
because then I start analyzing and
that's not good for me.

TONY
Good. I think that's good. Just let
it happen.

CHARLIE
Exactly. That's what's gonna be
different this time. Something strange
happens, let it go. It's not my
business... Like Ralph. She says
Ralph in her sleep.

TONY
Who's Ralph?

CHARLIE
I don't know who Ralph is. Moreover,
I don't want to know.

TONY
Good.

PARK RANGER
And as if blinding his "bitch" wasn't
enough retribution for Kelly, the
next day he and four other inmates
took turns pissing into the "bitch's"
ocular cavity.

Tony and Charlie look at each other. They're a little queasy.

CHARLIE
Exactly.
(beat)
Tony, I'm happy. Don't let me screw
this one up.

INT. EL TORO - IN THE MISSION - DAY

They are eating Bay burrites.

ROSE
Did you have a nice date last night?

HARRIET
Rose, I don't really --

ROSE
He disturbed me while I was naked in
the shower this morning.

HARRIET
Yeah, he stayed over?

ROSE
I didn't mind. Charlie and I laughed
about it over breakfast.

HARRIET
That's good.

ROSE
He said you had great sex last night.

HARRIET
He did?
(a beat)
Yeah.

ROSE
He seems really stuck on you. I hope
for you that it lasts.

HARRIET
Rose he's a sweet, kind and loving
person. We like each other, but I
don't want to think any further.
It's taken me a long time to get
back to dating, and I want to take
things real steady this time.

ROSE
Well, you can trust me not to tell
him anything.

HARRIET
He was quite happy not to talk about
the past.

ROSE
I did a sketch of him.

Rose shows the sketch to Harriet.

HARRIET
(looking at the picture)
That's good.

ROSE
Think I've caught him?

HARRIET
The eyes are good.

ROSE
Charlie really liked it.

HARRIET
It's a good likeness.

ROSE
Boy, I really hope it works out.

HARRIET
Rose, I don't wanna screw this one
up.

EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Charlie enters the building, holding a handful of poetry
books. He passes a UNIFORMED DELIVERY GUY coming out. The
guy nods and Charlie nods back.

INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS

Charlie gets three feet down the hallway. Stops in his tracks
and heads back to the front door. He opens it and yells to
the delivery guy:

CHARLIE
Hey, uh... Ralph...?

DELIVERY GUY
(turning around)
I'm Gilbert.

CHARLIE
Shit.

HARRIET'S DOOR - MOMENTS LATER

She opens the door enough to see that she is wearing only a
blouse that goes below her hips. She looks fantastic. He
hands her the poetry books.

HARRIET
(teasing him)
Charlie, they're beautiful. I'll put
them right in water.

He follows her inside and puts the books on the bureau. He
goes over and kisses her.

CHARLIE
You look great.

HARRIET
I was just getting dressed.
(picking up skirt off
couch)
What do you think of this skirt?

CHARLIE
Honestly?
(pulls her close)
I'd leave it off.

HARRIET
So then you think I could go to a
poetry concert like this?

She drops the skirt and stands there. She's fantastic.

CHARLIE
Let's forget the poetry concert.
It's already been nine hours since I
last made love to you.

HARRIET
(smiling; walking
away)
Come on we're meeting your best
friend. I wanna look good. The second
I go to the ladies room he's gonna
tell you what he really thinks of
me.

He follows her to the bedroom door, constantly trying to
kiss her.

HARRIET
Come on, Charlie. We have to be there
in fifteen minutes.

CHARLIE
(following her into
bedroom)
Fifteen minutes. Perfect.

She closes the door on his face.

CHARLIE
(through door)
Maybe later.

ROSE (O.S.)
I thought of calling you.

CHARLIE
(startled)
Aaaahhh!

Charlie turns on his heel. Rose has appeared out of nowhere.

ROSE
(after a pause)
To warn you, Charlie.
(after a pause)
There are just some things you should
know, about Harriet.

CHARLIE
About Harriet?

ROSE
About her past.

CHARLIE
I don't wanna know. I mean, look
everyone has some skeletons in their
past. I only care about the future.
Not the past.

ROSE
Here's the thing. I may have to tell
Harriet.

CHARLIE
Tell her what?

ROSE
That we're lovers.

CHARLIE
We're not lovers.

ROSE
I know, and it's a damn shame.

Harriet walks in the room, fully dressed, and fully dazzling.

HARRIET
I hope I'm not interrupting.

CHARLIE
(feeling weird)
No, not at all. We were just talking
about... Rose and I met yesterday,
so...

HARRIET
So I heard.

Harriet hugs Rose and then stands right next to her.

HARRIET
So, don't you think we look alike?

ROSE
Oh, we do not. Harriet was always
prettier than me. And a heck of a
lot more popular. She always had
boyfriends. The only thing I ever
got was good grades.

CHARLIE
(slightly uncomfortable)
Good grades are good.

HARRIET
She's just being kind. Show Charlie
one of your photographs, Rose. Rose
is a great artist.

ROSE
No, Harriet. I don't want to. They're
not good.

HARRIET
You're so modest. If I weren't here
to brag for you, I just don't know...
(taking out a
posterboard from
cabinet)
Show it to him, Rose. Do it.

He turns it over and there is a picture there. A collage of
unrelated images put together. And it is beautiful.

But it's very abstract. Violent perhaps. Confused definitely.
He likes it.

CHARLIE
It's beautiful...

ROSE
Thanks.

CHARLIE
What is it?

ROSE
I dunno.

CHARLIE
What do you call it?

ROSE
I dunno.

CHARLIE
A lot artists don't like to title
their work. They feel it biases the
viewer.

ROSE
It is titled. It's called "I dunno".

Charlie looks at it again, then at Rose, then at Harriet.
It's all a little bizarre, but in a funny way he feels for
Rose. A hidden talented overshadowed by her sister's beauty.

HARRIET
We should get going, Charlie. Thanks,
Rose... See you later.

ROSE
Bye, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Rose, great to see you. We should
all go out together some time. The
three of us. That would be great.
That would be... interesting.

Charlie and Harriet walk out.

EXT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT

Charlie and Harriet wait in line with bohemian types and
poetry lovers from the suburbs, and all walks of life.
Directly behind them are TWO OLD LADIES. The marquee reads:
"POETRY FESTIVAL - TONIGHT ALLEN GINSBERG."

CHARLIE
I think you're going to love Alan
Ginsberg. He's great.

HARRIET
Oh, I know all about him.

TONY (O.S.)
Hey Charlie!

Tony is getting out of a cab accompanied by Susan, the girl
from Spiletti's Coffee House. He approaches Charlie.

TONY
Sorry we're late.

Tony throws his arms wide open and hugs one of the Little
Old Ladies on the other side of Charlie.

TONY
You must be Harriet. I've heard a
lot about you.

CHARLIE
(to Tony; re: Harriet)
This is Harriet.

TONY
Oh. Sorry. Of course.
(whispering to Harriet)
I apologize. Charlie described you
as much older. And heavier.

HARRIET
(smiling)
Oh, he did...?

CHARLIE
Thank you, Tony. This is my best
friend.

TONY
And this is Susan. Charlie, you
remember her from Uncle Giuseppi's.

CHARLIE
Yes, I do.

SUSAN
You're funny...

Then she GIGGLES. The girls start inside, Tony lags back
with Charlie.

TONY
(whispers to Charlie)
I give Susan one night.

INT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT

ALLEN GINSBERG is on stage. He is brilliant. Tony, Charlie,
and Harriet are all amused. Susan is bored stiff. Charlie is
looking at Tony. Tony glances over at Susan and gives Charlie
an "Oh, well." look. Then he looks at Harriet and nods in
approval of her.

EXT. FISHERMAN'S WHARF - NIGHT

The four of them walk along the wharf. Charlie is at one of
those arcade games where you throw bean bags at the puppets
and try and knock them down. Charlie knocks two down.

ARCADE MAN
One more and you get your pick.

CHARLIE
(to Harriet)
You do it.

HARRIET
No, Charlie. I'm the worst.

TONY
Come on, you'll be great...

The arcade man turns around to watch. Harriet winds up and
throws the bean bag directly into his neck.

ARCADE MAN
Hey!

HARRIET
Sorry... I told you Charlie.

CHARLIE
No, no, you're okay, you're just
having control problems.

They both start laughing. He puts his arm around her. In the
b.g. the wounded arcade man is being led away by a co-worker.

They continued down the boardwalk stand in front of a House
of Horrors.

It looks somewhat run down and Harriet looks questioningly
at Charlie.

CHARLIE
I know this is really, really cheesy,
but in a way this is one of the places
in San Francisco I'm most proud of.

HARRIET
Yeah, let's go in.

Tony nods agreement. Susan looks bored. They go inside the

HOUSE OF HORRORS

it's as low rent as Charlie described. The "KEEPER OF THE
THRESHOLD" so described in a poorly written sign, is an
overweight man in his late twenties, wearing jeans and a
denim jacket and a little bit of scary makeup. He looks like
a roadie for the band, KISS. He stands at a podium, smoking
and reading a paper. As Charlie, Tony, Harriet and Susan
pass the Threshold Keeper, he takes a casual drag of his
cigarette, lets out a little smoke and with zero commitment
utters:

THRESHOLD KEEPER
Boo.

INT. WAX MUSEUM - DAY

Harriet and Charlie enter Bill's Wax Museum. The OWNER of
the wax museum greets them.

OWNER
Hi. I'm Bill, welcome to my wax
museum.

They walk over to the exhibits. There are exhibits of Abraham
Lincoln, Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton. As they look more
closely they notice that the faces are exactly the same as
Bill's. They laugh.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Pouring rain. THUNDER. Charlie and Harriet, wrapped in each
others arms, walking through the rain.

HARRIET
I feel so safe with you right now.
You're never going to leave me, are
you? I feel like I could be here
forever.

CUT TO:

TIGHT SHOT OF RAIN HITTING CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE

MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

THE REFLECTION OF RAIN ON CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE

PULL BACK to see Charlie in bed. He lies awake on his side,
his back up to Harriet's. She is sound asleep. Suddenly:

HARRIET
(sleeptalking)
Ralph! No, Ralph!

Charlie sighs, then just shrugs and tries to fall asleep.
What can he do.

FADE IN:

INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Charlie and Harriet wait outside his parents' door.

CHARLIE
Well, this is it.

HARRIET
It'll be fine.

They enter the door.

INT. CHARLIE'S PARENT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We again move along the hallway. We pass the Scottish wall,
of fame, Scottie from "Star Trek", Sir Walter Scott, Sir
Harry Lauder, Sheena Easton, Al Pacino, Billy Connolly, then
the CAMERA BACKTRACKS to Pacino, where it HOLDS MOMENTARILY.

CHARLIE
Mom, Dad, we're here.

May comes up, wearing a fancy country and western outfit.

MAY
Ah, Charlie is this the wee Harriet.
Ah, she's beautiful.

HARRIET
Thank you.

MAY
She's so sweet. I hope you keep her.
(calling)
Stuart, come out here. You tube.

When he comes up, Stuart is wearing only a shirt with his
boxer shorts.

STUART
Ah, it's the wee Harriet.

MAY
Stuart, put your pants on.

STUART
Hold your horses.
(calling to William)
Heed! Pants!

William comes around the corner with his pants.

CHARLIE
Dad, what's Al Pacino doing on the
Scottish wall of fame?

STUART
Oh, that's for Tony. So, Charlie
tells me you're a butcher. Let's
talk meat.

CHARLIE
Dad, no one wants to talk shop.
Especially butcher shop.

STUART
Come here.

Stuart gets him in a half-Nelson.

CHARLIE
Ah! Dad, dad I have a back zit, man
it kills.

Charlie struggles to free himself. Stuart turns to greet
Harriet. As he reaches out his hand.

Totally instinctively, Harriet grabs Stuart's hand and twists
it behind his back. Charlie is startled, as his date has
just gotten Stuart into a Half-Nelson.

HARRIET
(releasing his hand)
I'm sorry. I just... You just
surprised me. I'm sorry.

STUART
I like this one Charlie. She's quite
a filly.

HARRIET
I'm really embarrassed.

STUART
Don't be embarrassed about having a
good strong butcher's grip. Do you
link your own sausage?

MAY
Oh, ignore him. Come have a look at
some photos of Charlie when he was a
wee'n.

CHARLIE
Oh Mom, don't start with the pictures.

MAY
Ah, Charlie, lighten up. You've got
a pickle up your ass.

CHARLIE
(whispering to Harriet)
I'm gonna use the bathroom. You be
okay alone with them?

HARRIET
(kissing)
Fine. Don't worry about it. Hurry.

They smile as he leaves the room.

STUART
Make sure there's paper, Charlie.

Charlie picks up the pace, scared of what he might hear next.

MAY
Make sure you leave the seat down.

CHARLIE
(shutting her up)
Ma, just show her the pictures.

STUART
And light a match.

MAY
(to Harriet)
He always leaves the seat up. He's
gotta learn.

INT. BATHROOM AT PARENTS' - NIGHT

He closes the door, and shakes his head. What can he do?
Those are his parents. On the wall opposite the toilet is a
well-used dart board with pictures of the Queen Mother and
Colonel Sanders. Hooked to the magazine caddie is a small
container of darts.

INT. THE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

May excitedly shows Harriet family photo albums.

MAY
This is Charlie with his Uncle Ecky.
He's a policeman in Canada. And our
cousins Ruth and Jack. He's just got
a restraining order from his wife.
She's a lovely girl. This is Billy.
He's a member of parliament. He
drinks.

HARRIET
What a nice family you have.

CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM

He doesn't seem in any hurry to leave either. He listens
through the door to Harriet enthusiastically looking through
old photos.

Charlie glances down at a stack of National Enquirers on the
magazine rack. He flips through a few.

He sees one of the absurd headlines: "ALIEN UFO SEX DIET"
Charlie shakes his head.

HARRIET (O.S.)
(through door)
Charlie was the cutest baby.

STUART (O.S.)
(through door)
You okay in there, Charlie? You didn't
fall in, did you?

CHARLIE
(through door)
Jesus...

Charlie then looks down at another article in the Enquirer
and reads:

"WHO'S NEXT FOR MRS. X - THE HONEYMOON KILLER?"

It is the article about Mrs. X -- the axe-murderer who kills
her husbands on their honeymoons and then marries again under
a different identity.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

May is quickly flipping through a photo album, pointing out
pictures of relatives as she goes:

HARRIET
I can't believe the resemblance
between you and Charlie, Mrs.
MacKenzie.

INT. CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM

With Harriet speaking in the b.g., Charlie continues reading,
now absorbed in the article about the 3 victims:

HARRIET (O.S.)
(through door)
You have the same smile. It's so
incredible.

"VICTIM #1 - THE GERMAN MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT FROM MIAMI"

"VICTIM #2 - THE LOUNGE SINGER FROM ATLANTIC CITY"

"VICTIM #3 - THE SAN FRANCISCO PLUMBER - RALPH ELLIOT"

INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - NIGHT - C.U. - HARRIET'S FACE

Sitting in the front seat of Charlie's car, smiling, content,
a great meal, a great night out with Charlie and a nice
evening with his parents.

Slowly PAN across the front seat to Charlie. A nervous anxious
"what the hell am I getting myself into" look on his face.

CHARLIE
So, that was some move you put on my
Dad, there. Did you study Karate,
or...?

HARRIET
No. Not officially. I dated a guy
for a while who ran a studio.

CHARLIE
Oh, the martial arts expert. The
north-south guy. Here in San
Francisco?

HARRIET
Actually, Miami.

He looks straight ahead, trying to act unfazed. But, he's
very phased -- his expression is covered in it.

CHARLIE
Was that before Atlantic City, or
after?

HARRIET
Oh, that was years ago. Atlantic
City was recent. I didn't care for
Atlantic City. A town full of gamblers
and lounge singers.

He keeps driving.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Charlie walks through the precinct towards Tony's office,
holding the National Enquirer in his hand.

DESK SERGEANT
Hey Charlie!

CHARLIE
Is Tony back there?

The Sergeant nods and Charlie heads back to the office.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

CAPTAIN
O.K., Tony. Do you have the K673
form completed yet, that street vendor
incident on Powell Street?

TONY
(really bummed)
Yes, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Tony, do you mind my saying that you
seem a little down?

TONY
Captain. It's about my work. About
being a policeman.

CAPTAIN
Tony, if there's anything wrong, I'm
here to listen.

TONY
I know. And that's what's irritating,
you're too nice.

CAPTAIN
Too nice!?

TONY
Yes, You're my captain for gods sakes.
You should be constantly on my case,
like the captain on Starsky and Hutch.
Once a week you should routinely
haul my ass into your office, accuse
me of being a maverick and complain
to me that you're sick and tired of
defending my screwball antics to the
commissioner.

CAPTAIN
Well, as you may know, Tony. I don't
report to a commissioner. I report
to a committee, some of whom are
appointed, some elected and the
remainder co-opted on a bi-annual
basis. A quorum --

TONY
Police work should be all about
running around, following up crazy
hunches that turn out to be right,
going out on a limb.

CAPTAIN
Well Tony, I've never seen it that
way. For me police work is all about
following procedure and remaining
accountable to the general public.

TONY
(exasperated)
Captain! When I joined the police
force, I thought I was going to be
Serpico and unfortunately I ended up
being Toma. I would have settled for
Beretta.

CAPTAIN
That's interesting Tony. I'm perturbed
that you should be so disillusioned.

Charlie enters.

CHARLIE
Hey, Tony, I gotta talk to you.

CAPTAIN
Oh, hello, Charlie. Look, I'm in the
way here. You guys probably have
something you want to talk about,
and Tony, if you've still got stuff
you want to sort out, please, you
know where the suggestion box is.

The Captain exits.

CHARLIE
Nice guy. Hey, what's up?

TONY
I'm having doubts about being a cop
again. It's not like how it is on
cop shows. All I do is fill out papers
and reports.

CHARLIE
Let me get this straight, your Captain
hasn't threatened to have you up on
charges so fast you won't know what
hit you?

TONY
No! He's never once said to me that
he was going to "throw the book at
me so hard it'll knock my ass from
here till Tuesday." Anyways what's
up?

Charlie pulls out the National Enquirer (the one on MRS. X,
the Honeymoon Killer).

CHARLIE
Have you heard of this case? Mrs. X?
She murders her husbands on their
honeymoons and then changes her
identity and marries again.

TONY
I never heard of it. So what?

CHARLIE
Curious, that's all. I read about
it, and...
(after a pause)
I think I'm dating Mrs. X.

TONY
(after a pause)
Two words, Charlie. Get therapy.
They have doctors that deal
specifically with this illness.

CHARLIE
Everything's adding up, Tony. One of
the victims was a martial arts expert.
Last night at dinner, she put a
martial arts move on my dad.

TONY
There about twenty thousand people
in San Francisco who are martial
arts experts. Should I arrest all of
them too?

CHARLIE
If they also say Ralph in their sleep
I think it'd be a good start.
(showing him paper)
Ralph Elliot. A plumber from San
Francisco. Missing since his
honeymoon.

TONY
You're just getting scared. Like the
dream, you feel Harriet could be the
one, so you start to suspect her of
things, 'cause deep down you're scared
that if she is the one, you'll marry,
and marriage to you is death.

CHARLIE
Hey, don't analyze my dreams, okay?
They're my dreams. Analyze your own
dreams.
(a beat)
It's not a marrying thing, Tony.
It's a murdering thing.
(showing him paper)
Harriet lived in Atlantic City, right?
Well so did this guy, right around
the same time she left town.

TONY
(reading article)
"Larry Leonard, a crooner who made a
name for himself for being able to
sing in six different languages the
song "Only You".
(putting paper down)
Does she know the song "Only You?"

CHARLIE
I don't know. It hasn't come up yet.

TONY
Charlie, move past it. You're running
your life by the National Enquirer.

CHARLIE
(defensively)
What? It's the fifth highest
circulating newspaper in the United
States.
(taking paper back)
Mrs. X. Please. Look it up.

COMPUTER ROOM AT POLICE STATION - MINUTES LATER

Charlie and Tony are in the back with KATHY, a stocky black
woman in uniform, who works in the files department.

KATHY
There's no record of any deaths. All
three of these guys were reported
missing around the time of their
honeymoon, but so were the wives. No
pictures of any of the brides. For
all we know they just picked up and
moved away.

CHARLIE
And Ralph Elliot, too?

TONY
Charlie, you're talking about three
guys over a seven year span. That's
hardly news. No deaths. Elopement in
this state, as of this day, is still
not illegal.

CHARLIE
(re: the article)
Yeah well murder is. And this article
says that these men were murdered by
the same woman.

KATHY
Mr. MacKenzie, we've found that,
most National Enquirer articles are
actually based on our own police
reports. They take the facts and
fabricate a story around them.

TONY
It's true, Charlie. You gotta realize
that. I mean, personally, I would
lie to you, but Kathy... has this
crazy notion of always telling the
truth.
(patting his back)
You feel better now?

CHARLIE
It guess so. It's just... if I had a
photo of Harriet, I could show it to
the relatives or friends of Mrs. X's
victims to identify her.

TONY
Charlie, listen to me! There is no
Mrs. X! Drop it! Okay?

INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - EVENING

Charlie knocks on the door. Rose answers.

ROSE
(thrilled)
You're back. But Harriet's not here
yet.

CHARLIE
Maybe I could wait.

ROSE
Sure. That would be fine.

She then starts to slowly close the door. He props it open
with his hand.

CHARLIE
Inside? I was hoping...

ROSE
(letting him in)
I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to
be so forward. I mean, if you're
waiting inside, then you feel
obligated to entertain me and keep
up the conversation just to be polite,
and really your head might be totally
elsewhere and then there's the chance
that you would really want to talk
and it's me who'd be busy, but in an
attempt not to be rude, I sit there
and listen to some story that you
don't really want to tell and I don't
really have time to hear. You know?

CHARLIE
I couldn't agree with you more.

ROSE
I think about a lot of things.

CHARLIE
Look, if you have work to do, you go
right ahead.
("ah, here's an angle")
I mean, to tell you the truth, I'd
love to see your work.

ROSE
Okay! What would you like me to do?

CHARLIE
No, I don't want to see you work. I
was talking about your work. Your
photographs. That one that I saw was
so, wonderful, and...

ROSE
Harriet's far more talented than I
am.

CHARLIE
Well, I'm sure it's so subjective
anyway and...
(out of patience)
Rose, show me your photos.

CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPHS

There are two kinds. Beautiful travel pictures and very erotic
black and white portraits of young men and women. All with a
slight sadomasochistic quality. At the bottom of every photo
is says: "Seasons Greetings".

CHARLIE
Hey, these are some interesting photos
here. Very impressive. Nice shots of
Sauselito and... some good bondage
shots. A lot of people wouldn't think
to mix the two subjects, but they're
really a natural together.
(new thought)
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any
pictures of Harriet by chance, would
you?

ROSE
(re: her cards)
Well, I don't think she'd wanna do
this sort of...

CHARLIE
No, no, not that. Just, in general
some photos. Any little snapshot
would do.

ROSE
I doubt I'd have any. Harriet hates
being photographed.

The sound of a key in the door as Harriet enters the
apartment.

HARRIET (O.S.)
Rose -- did I see Charlie's car out
in front?

ROSE
We're in here, Harriet.

HARRIET
(walking in)
What are you guys doing?

CHARLIE
(covering up)
Oh, nothing. Just looking through
some of Rose's work.

ROSE
...Charlie wanted a photo of you.

CHARLIE
And that. That too.

HARRIET
Why of me, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Well, sentimental reasons. Something
to remind me of you when we're not
together.

She takes him in her arms and gives him a knee buckling kiss.

HARRIET
There, can you remember that?

CHARLIE
Okay, it's just, I was gonna give
one to my parents, too, and...
(getting nowhere)
Another time would be fine. It's
hardly a matter of life and death.

TV SET - PLAYING THE EVENING NEWS

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
In the news tonight, regarding a
Beverly Hills Jeweler, Morris Cohan,
who died last week, police are now
suspecting that Morris's partner,
Lawrence Sachs, may have murdered
him with an untraceable poison.

Reveal: we are in...

INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Charlie is on a Stair Master, as Harriet walks in wearing a
robe. The TV is on in the b.g.

CHARLIE
Where you been?

HARRIET
Downstairs. I have a surprise for
you.

CHARLIE
Great. I just wanna do a quick twenty
minutes on the Stair Master before
bed.

Harriet drops her robe, and from over her shoulder we see
that Charlie prefers what he sees to working out.

CHARLIE
I'll do forty tomorrow.

HARRIET
(getting into bed)
I got something much healthier for
you than that.

She pulls out a milkshake from behind her back.

CHARLIE
What is it?

HARRIET
It's a health shake. Eggs, malt,
cinnamon, oranges. It's great. I
mixed it up downstairs.

THE TV SET

continues on about poisons and poisoners. Charlie glances at
it.

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Poisoning has become the second
leading method of murder in recent
years, due to...

Charlie watches the TV, looking a bit disturbed. Harriet
offers him the shake.

CHARLIE
Oh, look, I'm full. Dinner and...
No...

HARRIET
You'll like it Charlie.

CHARLIE
No, really, thanks.

HARRIET
(putting it up to his
lips)
You won't try it. I spent twenty
minutes making it.

He takes it. Lifts it to his mouth... then puts it on the
table.

CHARLIE
(sniffing it)
Ummm. Smells good. Maybe I'll take
some to the office tomorrow.
(running into bathroom)
I'm gonna brush my teeth. Be right
back.

Charlie goes into the bathroom.

CHARLIE'S BATHROOM

Harriet comes into the bathroom and lays the empty glass
down on the counter.

HARRIET
I'm gonna take a quick shower.

Charlie notices the empty glass on the counter.

CHARLIE
Harriet, where did the shake go?

HARRIET
What do you care? I drank it.
(getting into shower)
You could have at least tried it.
You make me feel bad sometimes,
Charlie. I don't know why.

With her in the shower, he sneaks back into the bedroom and
checks the trash can. Nothing. Then he runs around the bed
to the other trash can. Nothing.

He looks thoroughly confused as she enter the bedroom, wearing
a towel. She takes the towel off as she slips underneath the
covers. He gets into bed next to her. She gives him a kiss.

HARRIET
Sorry. I'm a little sensitive. You
didn't want to drink my milkshake.
So what -- right?

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Regarding the murder between the two
partners, we talked to Toxicologist
Dr. Show on the issue.

Charlie and Harriet are watching the news show. DOCTOR SHOW
is patched in via the Anchorman's close circuit TV.

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Doctor, is it possible that one could
be poisoned with no trace at all?

DOCTOR SHOW
(ON TV)
Certainly. There are plants that
grow very commonly in our own backyard
that could easily be fermented into
poison. Take for instance the...

CHARLIE
(getting nervous;
blocking out TV)
Harriet, why don't we shut the light
off.

NEWS ANCHORMAN
(ON TV)
Really? And how easy it that to do?

DOCTOR
(ON TV)
Scarily enough, quite simple. You
merely take the...

CHARLIE
(blocking out the TV
again)
Maybe we should turn the light back
on. Yeah that's better.

HARRIET
Charlie, what's the matter?

CHARLIE
Nothing.

HARRIET
Charlie...

CHARLIE
Well, it's just...
(re: the TV)
The TV. You can't even watch the
news these days without getting
depressed.

HARRIET
I know, Charlie. And it's not just
that. Look at the things people are
doing. Partners killing each other...
I mean, you hear a story like that,
and... who can you really trust these
days?

CHARLIE
What do you mean?

HARRIET
It's like, have you ever stood with
someone at the edge of a cliff, or
the edge of a subway platform, and
you think, just for a split second,
"What if I pushed him?"

CHARLIE
Well, I don't really take the subway
ever, so...

Charlie turns over on his side, she cuddles up behind him.

HARRIET
I'm just making a point of how many
times we trust people with our lives.
I mean, look at us. If you didn't
trust me, you would never be able to
fall asleep.

CHARLIE
Why do you say that?

HARRIET
Look at you, you're sleeping. Look
how vulnerable you are. I mean, I
could do anything at that point.

CHARLIE
(nervous)
What could you do?

HARRIET
(sweet and innocent)
Anything. You're lying on your side,
asleep, I could... stick a needle in
your ear.

CHARLIE
(grabbing his ear at
the thought)
Aahhh!

HARRIET
I'm just making a point of what a
good relationship we have. Goodnight,
sweetheart.

He looks very uneasy. She kisses him and shuts off the light.
The moon gives the room an eerie glow.

HARRIET
Well, good night.

CHARLIE
Good night.

She doesn't close her eyes. He's scared to close his. Pause.

CHARLIE
Well... good night.

HARRIET
(smiling)
Good night.

They both look over at each other. She closes her eyes. He
takes a deep breath and then closes his eyes.

And covers his ear with his hand.

INT. BART PLATFORM - DAY

Charlie is on the crowded platform. Next to him is an old
lady with a lot of shopping bags. Three kids on skateboards
whiz by and accidentally knock bags out of her hands. Cat
toys and cans of cat food go everywhere. Charlie bends down
and starts to help her gather her stuff.

LADY
Thank you very much, young man. I've
gotta get all this stuff back to my
children.

CHARLIE
Your children?

LADY
When I say my children I mean my
cats. You see my children moved out
years ago, so all I've got is my
cats. I have over one hundred of
them.

CHARLIE
That's a lot of cats.

HARRIET (O.S.)
Charlie.

Charlie looks up and sees Harriet waving to him from the
subway stairs. He waves back and motions. "I'll be there in
a second", and continues to help the old lady. She watches
from the stairs.

LADY
You see this red toy? That's for the
Captain, he's finicky. and this blue
one? That's for Marco Polo.

Two train headlights are seen off in the distance.

CHARLIE
Do you have a name for all of your
cats?

LADY
Oh, yes.

Charlie glances over at Harriet, who slowly makes her way
down the platform towards him.

LADY
Let me see! There's Winston Churchill,
Reda Sovine, Thomas Edison, Andrew
Carnegie...

The train is getting closer and closer, and so is Harriet.

CHARLIE
...He was Scottish.

Harriet moves forward a step, Charlie moves back a step.

LADY
Wasn't he Irish?

As Harriet seems to get closer Charlie continues to back up,
picking up cat toys. Charlie realizes he has no where else
to turn. so he side steps down the platform, never stopping
his conversation with the lady.

CHARLIE
Actually he was Scottish. Trust me,
I know these things.

Harriet is moving in on him. Charlie steadily makes his way
down the platform, feigning accidentally kicking cat food
down the platform. The old lady is unsure what is going on,
she tries to keep up with him.

LADY
Now that you say it, he was Scotch.

Charlie runs out of platform. Harriet is very close to him.
The train is closer, so is Harriet. Charlie lets out a scream.

CHARLIE
Noooooo!

Charlie is standing at the edge of the platform, Harriet is
a good six or seven feet away as the train passes by. Charlie
is safe. People are all staring at Charlie curiously,
including Harriet and the old lady. Charlie is embarrassed.

CHARLIE
(embarrassed)
Nooooooo, Scotch is a drink. Scots
are a people. Sorry, that just always
bugged me.

No one knows what is going on.

LADY
I'm sorry, I didn't know it meant so
much to you.

CHARLIE
Hi, Harriet.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE BUILDING - DAY

INT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENTS DESK.

WE SEE A LONG DESK WITH DIFFERENT SIGNS THAT READ; BIRTHS,
DEATHS, AND MARRIAGES.

We find Charlie at the marriage counter.

ASSISTANT
Yes, Sir, can I help you?

CHARLIE
I'd like to put in an announcement
of my parents forty-fifth wedding
anniversary.

ASSISTANT
Sure, it's $4.50 per word, and you've
got a choice of standard or bold.

CHARLIE
Bold, and here, I've written it out.

Charlie looks over to the deaths counter. He overhears two
obituary assistants having a conversation.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
Hi, Frank, busy week?

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
I've only got two. It's dead around
here.

Both assistants laugh. Charlie is mildly bemused.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Well, I've got this one guy, a
tourist. He had a heart attack on a
cable car.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
Looks like he left his heart in San
Francisco.

MARRIAGE ASSISTANT
Hey, that's a real person you're
talking about.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You're right, I'm sorry.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Well, there's this other guy Elliot,
Ralph. Plumber, disappeared four
months ago. Body found in a sewer.
(pause)

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(despite himself)
I guess he took his work too
seriously, and his life went down
the drain.

CHARLIE
Did they mention anything about his
wife?

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(crest fallen)
You're right, I feel bad. Point taken.
I'm mean, these are real people we're
talking about.

CHARLIE
No, I'm serious. Did he mention the
wife?

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
You made your point. I was wrong to
make a joke about a person's life.

CHARLIE
I really want to know about his wife.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
(crying and shouting)
O.K., you win. I'm a bad, bad person.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2
Frank take it easy.

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
No, he's right!
(pounding his head
with his fists)
I'm for shit, I'm one insensitive
asshole.

CHARLIE
Is there any mention of the wife? At
all?

OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1
NO! THERE'S NO MENTION OF THE WIFE!
YOU HAPPY!?

Charlie exits.

EXT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENT OFFICE - DAY

Charlie stands outside the announcement office, terrified.

INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD

Harriet is talking to a CUSTOMER.

HARRIET
Hi.

CHARLIE
I'm sorry.
(beat)
I think you're a terrific woman.
(beat)
I just don't think we should see
each other anymore.

She moves around to Charlie. She lifts his chin so that he
is looking directly into her eyes.

HARRIET
Why not? And tell me the truth.

CHARLIE
The truth. Okay. The truth is...

She is so close to him, and so very beautiful, it's
distracting.

CHARLIE
The truth is... I'm afraid that you
are...
(he can't)
You're going to laugh.

HARRIET
I don't think so.

CHARLIE
Okay... the truth is that I'm afraid
you're going to ki... leave me.

HARRIET
I'm going to "cleave you?" What does
that mean?

CHARLIE
Leave me. Not "cleave me." Reject
me. And so I decided to take matters
into my own hands and get it over
with by...

HARRIET
Rejecting me.

CHARLIE
(he feels awful)
Purely preventive... It's not anything
you've done.

HARRIET
I know that... So why are you leaving
me?

CHARLIE
(heartbroken)
Harriet, maybe I'm not meant to be
in a relationship.

A single tear runs down her cheek. She brushes it away
quickly.

CHARLIE
I never wanted to hurt you.

HARRIET
You haven't. At least you left early
on.
(she's crying)
So, that's it, then. I've got a lot
of work to do.
(to Customer)
Now, where were we?

Charlie goes.

INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

Charlie lies on the bar head down. Tony rushes in, looks
around and sees Charlie.

CHARLIE
(without lifting head)
Two hours and four minutes. Tony, I
need you, and two hours and four
minutes later you show up.

TONY
Sorry. I know it was irresponsible
to stay at the drug bust until it
was over, but... What happened?

CHARLIE
(slowly sitting up)
I'm gonna tell you, but when I do,
just say nothing. Don't judge me.
Just be my friend. Okay?

TONY
Fine. Okay.

CHARLIE
I broke up with Harriet.

TONY
You're an asshole.

CHARLIE
What's your point?

TONY
I'm sorry, I just... why?

CHARLIE
Tony, she's a killer. The...
everything.

TONY
But nothing's proven. The only thing
you're actually sure she did so far
is she's treated you like a King.

CHARLIE
I dunno, Tony, I just...

TONY
Besides, everyone has something going
on with them. I mean, you can't find
everything in one person. I mean,
she's bright, she's funny, she's
independent. So maybe, and it's really
just a maybe, she kills her husbands.
Marriage is give and take, Man. You
take the good with the bad.

INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Charlie lies in bed. He's writing in his journal. He stares
out into space. Inspired, he writes...

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

DON'T BE DISILLUSIONED BY THE SCOTTISH SON AS HE FLIES, IN
BAT-LIKE UNISON

CHARLIE

pauses a moment to reflect, then writes...

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

UNTRUST-ING
UNKNOW-ING
UNLOV-ING

CHARLIE

Thinks of something else and writes...

ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL

THIS POEM SUCKS

His hand reaches across and scratches it out.

EXT. HAIGHT-ASHBURY STREET - DAY

Charlie is exiting a vintage record store. Suddenly he finds
himself face to face with Sherri. She's accompanied by a
handsome young man.

SHERRI
Hey, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Hi. How're you doing.
(he glances at her
friend)
Good, huh?

SHERRI
I'm okay. This is Michael. Michael,
this is Charlie MacKenzie.

YOUNG GUY
I know. Why don't you two talk. I'm
going over there to buy some
magazines.

He walks over to a magazine stand.

CHARLIE
That good looking and he can read!

SHERRI
I'm teaching him. I heard you have a
new girlfriend.

CHARLIE
We broke up. There were problems.

SHERRI
Problems?

CHARLIE
Difficulties.

SHERRI
Let me guess...
(smiles)
She's a murderer.

For a moment, Charlie is too stunned to respond. Then...

CHARLIE
Why did you just say that?

SHERRI
(laughs)
What else is left?

INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - EARLY EVENING

He's on the Stair Master, stepping very lethargically. The
TELEPHONE RINGS: He goes to answer.

CHARLIE
Hello...

TONY
(through phone)
Not that it matters anymore, but I
thought you should know -- someone
just turned themselves in for the
murder of Ralph Elliot.

CHARLIE
Really? Did she confess to the other
murders?

TONY
Just the plumber so far, but she'll
come along.
(after a pause)
A little old lady from Pacific
Heights. Said he overcharged her on
a leaking sink.

CHARLIE
Really. Leaky sink, huh?

TONY
Anyway, crime to stop. Gotta go.
I'll catch you later.

Tony hangs up. Charlie stops pedaling on the bike. Now he
really feels like shit. Harriet's not a killer. Sherri's not
a cheater.

He races out of the bedroom.

Moments later he appears, puts on a pair of pants over his
exercise shorts, then races out the door again.

EXT./INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - EARLY EVENING

Charlie races along towards Harriet's house.

EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT DOOR - DAY

He races up to the door and starts to bang and knock and
ring...

CHARLIE
(through door)
Harriet, it's me, Charlie.

HARRIET (O.S.)
Go away, Charlie.

CHARLIE
I've gotta talk to you, cause I miss
you, and I made a mistake... and if
you give me another chance I'll
change. I will. I promise. I'll get
help, or therapy, or... Yeah, that'll
be great. Therapy. Even twice a week.
I'll check with my insurance to see
if I'm covered, but forget that.
Harriet...

The chain opens on the door.

HARRIET
You really hurt me.

CHARLIE
I'll make it up to you, can we at
least talk.

HARRIET
Sure, talk.

Rose steps up behind Charlie.

ROSE (O.S.)
Hi, Charlie.

CHARLIE
AAAhhhhhh.

ROSE
(as she now proceeds
to be let in by
Harriet)
Trust your first instincts, Charlie.
You never do. It's your big mistake.
That and the haircut.

Once again, baffled by Rose, Charlie touches his hair, shakes
it off and looks Harriet right in the eye.

CHARLIE
I don't want to lose you.

HARRIET
You didn't lose me. You rejected me.

CHARLIE
I'm unrejecting you.

HARRIET
How do I know you won't reject me
again?

CHARLIE
I love you.

HARRIET
(after a long pause)
I love you. But you blew it, Charlie,
you blew it.

She goes into the house. Charlie stands there dejected. He
knows he's blown it.

INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Harriet is doing a load of laundry consisting of bloodied
work clothes. Suddenly she can hear the sound of MUSIC, very
loudly.

Annoyed, she goes out her front door to tell her neighbors
off. Just as she's about to knock on the door, she realizes
it's not the source of the music. At that moment her neighbor,
who is a STEWARDESS, comes out in nightclothes.

STEWARDESS
I don't mean to be a pain, but I'm a
stewardess, and I have an early flight
out in the morning. Can you please
keep your music down?

HARRIET
I thought it was coming from here.

STEWARDESS
But someone keeps shouting your name
over and over.

Puzzled, Harriet rushes back to her own balcony.

EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - BALCONY - NIGHT

Harriet rushes out and smiles as she sees the source of the
noise. Charlie serenades Harriet in the street below,
accompanied by a TRUMPETER with a MUTE, a DOUBLE BASS PLAYER
AND A GUY ON A SNARE.

CHARLIE
HARRIET, HARRIET HARD-HEARTED
HARBINGER OF HAGGIS
BEAUTIFUL, BEMUSED BELLICOSE BUTCHER
UNTRUST-ING
UNKNOW-ING
UNLOV-ING
HE WANTS YOU BACK HE SCREAMS INTO
THE NIGHT AIR LIKE A FIREMAN GOING
TO A WINDOW THAT HAS NO FIRE EXCEPT
THE PASSION OF HIS HEART
I AM LONELY,
IT'S REALLY HARD
THIS POEM SUCKS

A crowd has gathered in the street and spectators group on
their balconies. They break out into APPLAUSE. Charlie proudly
takes the applause and bows to Harriet. She throws him a
flower. He's won her back.

INT. BATHTUB - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Romantic with candles surrounding the tub. Harriet and Charlie
are bathing together. Wherever one of them moves, the water
extinguishes a candle and Charlie lights it. This is keeping
him pretty busy.

HARRIET
I've been there for almost a year. I
only planned on stay with her for a
few weeks, but she gets upset every
time I say I'm moving.

CHARLIE
You were close as kids?

HARRIET
I pretty much raised her. You know
the scene. Depressed mother...
withdrawn father.
(she remembers)
My dad was a photographer too.

CHARLIE
Really?

HARRIET
He hated it. Trudging off to those
weddings every Saturday night. Other
people's celebrations he called it.
He said sometimes they didn't even
offer him a glass of soda. He had a
small studio, and every year at
Christmas he'd take a picture of me
and Rose and put it in the window on
a little card that said "Seasons
Greetings." Awful pictures. It's
like... I could see his pain in my
face. Anyway, me and my sister worked
with our "childhood issues" in
different ways. She became a
photographer and I became phobic
about having my picture taken. It's
quite a family.

CHARLIE
Where are they now? Your parents?

HARRIET
Dead. Car accident.

There is a RING at the door.

ROSE (O.S.)
Harriet, its for you.

INT. HARRIET'S LIVING ROOM

Charlie comes out of the bathroom in a robe.

HARRIET
Charlie, I want you to meet a friend
of mine. Say hi to Ralph.

CHARLIE
(shocked)
Ralph?

A plain looking lady in her thirties, RALPH, is sitting by
the window.

CHARLIE
(delighted)
Oh, like Ralph, the lady carpenter
in Green Acres!

HARRIET
This is Charlie.

CHARLIE
I love you!

RALPH
It's nice to meet you.

CHARLIE
(ecstatic)
Nice? It's more than nice. It's great
to meet you. It's fantastic to meet
you. I just, I can't tell you how
glad I am. Ralph. Really. I am.

RALPH
Well, thank you, I've heard a lot of
nice things about you too, and...

He rushes over to hug her.

CHARLIE
Oh, Ralphie, I love you.

Swept up in his enthusiasm his towel falls off. Harriet is
shocked, but amused.

HARRIET
I'll leave you guys alone. Have a
great time.

Charlie realizes he is naked. His arms are still wrapped
around Ralph.

CHARLIE
I'm naked, aren't I?

HARRIET
Why, yes, you are.

CHARLIE
I should really get dressed now.

He hurriedly puts his towel back on, bolts to the bedroom
door. Just before he enters, he pauses and turns to Ralph.

CHARLIE
(to Ralph)
Call me.

He leaves.

RALPH
(to Harriet; a little
confused)
Friendly guy.

CUT TO:

A KITCHEN DOOR OPENS...

and Charlie's mother, MAY, shoulders her way through the
door, carrying a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CAKE with a big 45 written
on it.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE ARE IN:

INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT

May and Stuart's 45 year anniversary party. UNCLE ANGUS is
at the piano playing "Happy Anniversary" as Charlie's parents,
all their friends and Harriet all sit around the piano
SINGING:

THE GROUP
Happy Anniversary to you...
(Etc.)

The song ends. May and Stuart blow out the candles.

MAY
Okay, everyone come and get a piece
of cake and some milk.

CHARLIE
Hey Dad, I got an anniversary present
for you...

Stuart looks up, and Charlie gets him in a headlock and pins
him to the ground.

STUART
I'm proud of you, son. I'm proud of
you.
(Stuart addresses the
group)
I just wanna propose a toast. To my
wife. Forty five years ago today May
and I got married. Some of you were
there, some of you weren't born yet,
some of you are now dead, but... We
both said, "I do" and we haven't
agreed on a single thing since. But,
I'm glad I married you May cause...
It could have been worse and
besides... I still love you.

They kiss and everyone APPLAUDS. Uncle Angus breaks into,
"Stand By Your Man." May and Stuart start to dance. Charlie
looks at another young couple who are touched by this sincere
display of love. He looks over at Harriet. Stuart and May
feed each other cake. Charlie approaches Harriet.

CHARLIE
Harriet, I wanna talk to you.

HARRIET
Boy, you really made some impression
with Ralph. She can't get over you.

CHARLIE
(stalling; nervous)
I'm just so happy for you to have
friends like Ralph. What a great
friend to have.

HARRIET
Is everything all right, Charlie?
You're perspiring.

CHARLIE
Harriet... marry me.

HARRIET
What?

CHARLIE
I want to have a wedding. With you.

HARRIET
No.

CHARLIE
Please.

HARRIET
I don't know, Charlie. It's so good
like it is. Why don't we just live
together first?

CHARLIE
Because, I love you and I want you
to marry me and be with me for 45
years. I want you to have my children,
and I want to have your children. I
know that sounds like a lot of
children, and they might not all get
along, but... I'm finally ready to
trust you and to make a commitment.
Marry me, Harriet, please. Be my
wife.

Harriet flinches slightly at the word "Wife", but Charlie is
too wrapped up in the moment to notice. Stuart addresses the
group.

STUART
I'd like to thank Charlie for throwing
us this party. I hope some day you
have the same great 45 years that
we've had.

People clap and smile. Harriet looks at Charlie. He has tears
in his eyes.

HARRIET
Yes.

At first it doesn't register. Then...

CHARLIE
You will?

She smiles.

HARRIET
Let's get married, Charlie.

They kiss.

MAY
(from across room)
Harriet, come here a minute. I want
you and Uncle Angus to play a song
together.

Harriet and Charlie kiss one last time and she goes to the
piano.

Charlie stays in the corner, and Tony comes over.

TONY
Hey, sorry I'm so late. What's
happening?

CHARLIE
Nothing. Nothing at all. Just two
little things...
(as Tony looks in)
That woman over there in the corner...
She's Harriet's friend, and her name
is Ralph.

TONY
No shit.

CHARLIE
And secondly... That woman over
there...
(Re: Harriet)
That's Harriet, and we're getting
married.

TONY
(excited)
Fantastic... What did I tell you.
She's a great girl. And the last
thing in the world she'd be is a
murderer.

And then Harriet begins singing at the piano.

HARRIET
(singing)
ONLY YOU...
CAN MAKE THIS WORLD SEEM RIGHT...
ONLY YOU...
CAN MAKE THIS DARKNESS LIGHT..."

Tony and Charlie look at each other. "Only you?" Then Charlie
looks at his bride with confidence.

He walks over and joins her. She sings to him. It's a moment.

INT. JEWELRY STORE - DAY

Charlie and Harriet pick out a diamond ring.

INT. TRAVEL AGENCY

Charlie and Harriet point to brochures of the different cities
they could go to on their honeymoon. They decide on a picture
of the "DRY CREEK LODGE" in Oregon.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

They are getting their blood tests back. Harriet looks at
hers, casually. Charlie is nervous. Reluctantly he opens the
file and looks at it. He is pleased with the results and
does a victory dance.

EXT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH - ESTABLISHING

INT. SCOTTISH PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH

Charlie and Harriet are being married. Harriet is in a
beautiful wedding gown. Charlie is wearing a kilt. Tony is
the best man. He also wears a kilt. Stuart, also kilted,
May, the whole family along with a hundred well-wishers are
in attendance. The SCOTTISH MINISTER presides. Rose is in a
kilt.

SCOTTISH MINISTER
Now, Mr. MacKenzie, if you will take
this woman to be your wife, through
thick and thin, for better or for
worse, please say: "I do"...

CHARLIE
I do...

SCOTTISH MINISTER
Now Harriet, if you will take this
man, through good times and bad, for
ever and ever, as your husband, please
say "I Do"...

Harriet starts to speak; but right before the words come
out, she stares into Charlie's eyes and STOPS. Charlie looks
nervous. So does the Scottish Minister. So does Tony. So
does everyone.

HARRIET
(after a long pause;
finally:)
I do.

SCOTTISH MINISTER
Now Charlie... Kiss the beautiful
bride!

Charlie and Harriet kiss. We can see (though Charlie can't)
Harriet has a strange unsure expression on her face. Tony
notices it though and can't figure it out.

STUART
Let's get pissed.

The wedding march kicks in being played by a drunken Scotsman
on BAGPIPES.

INT. RECEPTION HALL

A Scottish accordionist and a Drummer play SCOTLAND THE BRAVE.
Some OLDER SCOTTISH AUNTIES are CLAPPING and HOOTING LOUDLY
along with the tune. Some young girl COUSINS in traditional
Scottish costume, dance the sword dance along to SCOTLAND
THE BRAVE.

We pass the buffet which we see is catered by "Meats Of The
World." Then we pass a very drunken Stuart in a heated
discussion with four other people.

STUART
You know Golden Gate park was designed
by a Scotsman, MacClaren, which is
who MacClaren park was named after.

The others agree heartily.

May and Tony are dancing. May is dancing uncomfortably close.
She keeps sliding her hand down to his ass, which he then
has to move back to his shoulder.

Then we come to William, who's reluctantly at the children's
table. All his little cousins are queuing up for a chance to
feel his head.

We find Charlie in a corner. One of the hooting Scottish
aunties is trying to get him to have another Scotch.

AUNTIE MOLLY
(proffering the Scotch)
Charlie, get this down your neck.

CHARLIE
Auntie Molly if I have another one
I'll end up underneath the table
with my kilt over my head.

Tony joins them.

TONY
Where's Harriet?

CHARLIE
I don't know. Oh, there she is.

She's in the corner by herself looking weird and ominous.
She has enough food in front or her for three people.

She eats ravenously and incessantly. Charlie goes over to
her.

CHARLIE
A little hungry, were you?

At that moment, a FLASH goes off. Harriet looks up angrily.

HARRIET
What are you...!

Then she realizes it's Rose. She calms down and smiles.
Charlie looks at her, a little peculiarly, but Harriet regains
her composure.

HARRIET
Sorry. The flash just...

The band kicks into a new dance. A YOUNG BOY comes up to the
bagpipe man with a shot of whiskey and whispers into his
ear. The bagpipe man stops the song, downs the whiskey and
then breaks into Rod Stewart's "IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY." From
across the room we hear Stuart singing.

STUART
(full volume; singing)
IF YOU THINK I'M SEXY...
AND YOU WANT MY BODY...
COME ON BABY LET ME KNOW.

Stuart gives the Bagpiper the thumbs up. The young people in
the room start to jam, and then one by one the other guests
start getting into the swing of things. The bagpipe man
continues playing. It is clear that he is far too drunk to
play. He slowly keels over, drunk. And as he falls over face
first, he lands on his Bagpipes. The bagpipes let out an
ATONAL DEFLATING SOUND like the last dying throes of a
tortured animal. The BAGPIPE WAIL extends into the next scene.

EXT. HIGH ABOVE COAST - DAY

CHARLIE (V.O.)
Wait 'til you see this place, Harriet.

INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - DAY

They drive along the beautiful coast. Harriet is still eating.
They're listening to TEENAGE FAN CLUB.

CHARLIE
This is Teenage Fan Club. They're
from Scotland.

HARRIET
They're great.

CHARLIE
We'll have the whole lodge to
ourselves practically.

HARRIET
I can't wait, Charlie.

CHARLIE
I wish you could be me, so you could
know how great it feels to be with
you.

HARRIET
It sounds wonderful

CHARLIE
Do you think that would be a good
line for a poem?

HARRIET
Honestly? It sounds a little Hallmark.

CHARLIE
Yeah, it's a little Seals and Croft.
I have a habit of sabotaging
relationships, and there were a
million times during me and you that
I could have blown this, and I just
thank God that I didn't...

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Tony is at his desk. The captain kicks open the door, knocking
Tony's feet off the desk. The captain is now dressed in
suspenders, a loosened tie, and a shirt with pit stains.

CAPTAIN
O.K., Spiletti, I got word from
upstairs that you been pokin' your
nose into that Ralph Elliot case.

TONY
Yes, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Don't "yes, Captain" me, Spiletti.
You're outta line. This is strictly
homicide.

TONY
Captain, I got this friend...

CAPTAIN
Friend? Yeah, we all got friends,
Spiletti. I'm warning you, Stay away
from this one. Back off, Italian
boy. You're getting too close to
this one.

TONY
Captain, I know what I'm doing. Trust
me. What's the news.

CAPTAIN
I can't believe I'm doing this, but
that girl who confused to Ralph
Elliot's murder also confessed to
other murders.

TONY
I knew she would! I knew it!

CAPTAIN
Yeah, apparently she also confessed
to killing Abe Lincoln, Julius Caesar,
and Warren G. Harding. She's a nut,
Spiletti!

TONY
(getting up)
Oh, my god! I gotta go!

CAPTAIN
Yeah, screw this one up Spiletti and
you'll be writing parking tickets
for the rest of your days.

TONY
I won't let you down, Captain.

Tony exits for a beat, then pokes his head in the doorway.

TONY
That's much better Captain.

CAPTAIN
(nice again)
You think so? Well, thank you very
much.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Tony hurries to his car.

EXT. GAS STATION ALONG THE COAST - DAY

They stop at a gas station with a small mini-mart. As Charlie
is filling the tank he notices Harriet slipping the key out
of the ignition before she walks to the mini-mart for more
food.

HARRIET
You want anything?

CHARLIE
Lamb chops, creamed spinach, stuffed
tomatoes and a Hershey Bar.

Harriet arrives at the little Ma and Pa type mini-mart and
smiles to Charlie.

CHARLIE
If they don't have all that, I'll
just take the Hershey bar.

EXT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Tony stands at the door, buzzing the buzzer to no response.

INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - EARLY EVENING

They are still driving along the coast. Charlie is eating
his Hershey Bar. Harriet's eyes are becoming a bit glazed
now, her movements a little static. She keeps looking behind
them and out the window.

CHARLIE
What do you keep looking behind us
for?
(joking)
Is someone following you, or...?

HARRIET
They were. I think they're gone.

CHARLIE
(curious; pausing)
What do you mean, they were?

HARRIET
The gas station guy. I thought he
was chasing us for a while, but I
guess he stopped.

CHARLIE
The gas station guy? Why would the
gas station guy chase us.

HARRIET
I don't know, Charlie. I guess for
not paying.

CHARLIE
What do you mean not paying? You
didn't pay him for the gas.

HARRIET
I forgot to pay... I didn't want to
be away from you for any longer.

CHARLIE
So, you just left.

HARRIET
Yes. And you're an accomplice.

He stops mid-bite on his Hershey Bar. He's confused.

CHARLIE
I'm not sure I understand.

HARRIET
Look, Charlie, don't you get it?
We're a team.

CHARLIE
(going with it)
I can play that game. I'll get the
next gas station. Like Bonnie & Clyde.

He and Bonnie continue on the winding road and pass a sign
that reads: "DRY CREEK LODGE - 40 MILES"

INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - DAY

Tony knocks. No answer. He picks the lock and enters.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Rose is tied up and lying in a pool of blood. Tony stops for
a beat, draws his gun and slowly walks over to her. Just as
he gets there, a SHUTTER CLICKS.

ROSE
Oh, hi!

TONY
(practically hysterical)
What is it with the women in your
family?

ROSE
I was just doing a murder series in
honor of the wedding.

TONY
Hey, this is real blood.

ROSE
Yes, Harriet, give it to me. She's a
butcher.
(Tony reacts)
...She owns a butcher shop.

TONY
I need a picture of Harriet.

ROSE
Sorry. No can do.

TONY
You took a picture at the party. I
saw it.

ROSE
It didn't come out.

TONY
Look, Rose. I need a photo.

ROSE
The picture didn't come out.
(he waits)
It was unflattering. In made her
look ten pounds heavier.
(he waits)
She's my sister.

TONY
She's been implicated in a crime. I
need the photo to eliminate her as a
suspect.

ROSE
And if she's not innocent. If she's,
you know, "quirky?"

TONY
If she's "quirky" we'll save Charlie's
life.

Rose pulls out a photograph -- Charlie and Harriet. Looking
young and in love.

EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - LATE IN THE DAY

A beautiful old Colonial Mansion, nestled in the mountains
and forests of the North-West. Romantic and from another
day. Charlie and Harriet pull up in front of it.

The Valets open the door for them.

HARRIET
It's like a castle, Charlie. It's so
beautiful.

VALET
Welcome to the Dry Creek. You just
beat the rainstorm. Two hours later
and the roads'd probably be closed.

CHARLIE
Great. If you could help us with the
luggage, we have these two in the
back seat and...

As they deal with the luggage, Harriet starts to walk away
from the hotel, away from the car, rain falling on her head.
She walks straight at the CAMERA, so only we can see her
expression. Her expression is one of simply "losing it".

CHARLIE
Harriet? What are you doing honey?

Harriet turns around and smiles at Charlie. He smiles back.

INT. LOBBY OF DRY CREEK LODGE - EVENING

Charlie and Harriet stand at the desk. Harriet is not quite
paying attention. Her attention span has slipped to none.
She's fidgety. She looks around suspiciously at everything
and everyone.

DESK CLERK
Welcome, Sir. We have you with us
for four nights, Mr. MacKenzie. Dinner
reservations are at eight-thirty.

CHARLIE
Great. Sounds terrific.

DESK CLERK
Also, you might wanna prepare some
candles by the bed. We're expecting
the rainstorm to get even worse. We
might even lose the power tonight.

CHARLIE
Did you hear that, Harriet? A storm.
I can't think of anything more
romantic than the two of us trapped
in our room in the middle of a rain
storm.
(noticing her)
You okay, Harriet?

HARRIET
Just a little head-ache.
(to clerk)
Excuse me, is there a drug store in
the hotel? I want to get some aspirin.

DESK CLERK
Right beyond those trees, Ma'm.
Anything you need.

HARRIET
Thanks. Don't go anywhere. I'll be
right back.

Harriet walks off to the lobby store, backwards, looking at
Charlie. Charlie watches her walk off. The Desk Clerk sits
staring at Charlie.

DESK CLERK
You think she's really got a head-
ache?

CHARLIE
What?

DESK CLERK
Ah, nothing. Here's your key. You're
in the Oak Room.

Charlie looks back at the drug store, where Harriet is
shopping. She waves to him. Charlie looks back at the Desk
Clerk and grabs the key.

CUT TO:

FAX OF THE PHOTO OF CHARLIE & HARRIET

coming out of a fax machine.

INT. WALTER'S PLUMBING - EARLY EVENING

WALTER, the owner of the Plumbing store, dressed in overalls
takes the Fax out and then picks up the phone.

WALTER
That's Ralph Elliot's wife, alright.
She had shorter hair in those days.

INT. MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO - NIGHT

MASTER CHO, the new owner of the studio, dressed in a gee,
looks at the same fax.

MASTER CHO
(into phone)
Mrs. Richter gain much weight since
then, but it's definitely her.

INT. THE LIZARD'S LOUNGE - ATLANTIC CITY

RANDY ROMANO, the owner, talks into the phone, holding up
the faxed photo of Charlie and Harriet.

RANDY
That's his little lollipop, alright.
Boy he loved her. I'll tell you, she
was a lot of fun. Smart. A doll face
to boot.

INT. TONY'S CUBICLE - NIGHT

Tony is on the phone. Kathy, seen before at the police
station, stands with him.

TONY
Circuits are out from the storm.

Tony gets to the police station door and opens it. Kathy
follows him.

TONY
(to Kathy)
Keep trying the hotel. Tell the chief
I just chartered a plane up to Oregon.

The Police Captain enters.

CAPTAIN
(points to his hair)
See that Spiletti -- A gray hair!
Every day, Spiletti, I find another
one. And that's all due to you. Get
out there, and catch me some bad
guys!

TONY
Not now, Captain.

CAPTAIN
(nice again)
Sorry.

Tony dashes out of the police station and into his car.

INT. CHARLIE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

A beautiful suite, with a fireplace burning a big stack of
wood, with another stack next to it, with an AXE in it. Music
is playing softly on the stereo. And Charlie and Harriet
have just finished making love underneath the covers,
illuminated just by the light of the fireplace.

CHARLIE
This is the best honeymoon I could
ever imagine, Harriet. If we had to
pack and go home right now, I'd still
think it was the greatest honeymoon
ever.

Harriet doesn't respond. Her head is turned from his.

CHARLIE
Don't you agree, Harriet? Harriet?

He pulls the sheets away from her face to see that she is
crying.

CHARLIE
(wiping her tears)
What? What are you crying? What is
it?

HARRIET
It's nothing. It's just... I was
just thinking... We're married now.
And I always wanted to try and have
kids, and...

CHARLIE
So do I. Look, there's nothing more
I'd like to do than have, kids, or...

HARRIET
It's just, I get scared that certain
things will happen, or...

CHARLIE
What are you talking about? You're
gonna be a great Mom. I know you
will.

HARRIET
It's not that, Charlie.

CHARLIE
What then?

HARRIET
You're gonna laugh.

CHARLIE
Tell me. Of course I'm not gonna
laugh. Kids is a big thing. It's
hard. I'm sure I have the same fears.

HARRIET
If we have kids, Charlie, things
happen. Kids are healthy and fine,
and some aren't, and I don't know if
I could live with myself if I gave
birth to a child with webbed feet.

Charlie stops to think about this. Webbed feet?

CHARLIE
Webbed feet?

HARRIET
You're laughing.

CHARLIE
No, I'm not laughing.

HARRIET
You think that's silly?

CHARLIE
No, no. That's a natural fear. I've
thought about that fear.

HARRIET
It really worries me, Charlie.

CHARLIE
(quite confused)
Well, look, they have, doctors -- I
assume -- that deal, only with, webbed
feet. And, God Forbid, and I'm talking
strictly hypothetically, should that
happen, we'll find one.

HARRIET
(kissing him; happy
now)
You're the greatest Charlie.

CHARLIE
(confused, to say the
least)
Thanks. We should get ready for
dinner.

EXT./INT. CHARTERED CESSNA - NIGHT

A small plane flies through the clouds. It's just Tony and
DENNIS the pilot.

Dennis never really realizes this is more than a sightseeing
tour, and constantly points out scenic points along the way.

DENNIS
Out your left side, you can see the
Sierra Nevada, which is the largest
mountain range west of the Rockies...

TONY
Great. Rockies. I don't care. Oregon.
Move.

INT. CHARLIE'S HOTEL ROOM AT DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT

Charlie is dressed very sharply in sport coat and tie. He
yells into the bathroom where we can see part of Harriet
from behind.

CHARLIE
You almost ready? The first seating
is in five minutes.

HARRIET
(from other room)
I just wanna look good for you,
Charlie. That's all.

CHARLIE
I'm sure you look great. I'm sure
you look...

Harriet turns the corner, wearing a nice dress. Her hair
looks okay. She's wearing perfume. The only problem is, she
has two lines of mascara running down her cheeks. She's been
crying. Charlie looks curious.

HARRIET
Do I look okay, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Yes. Well...

Charlie points to his own eye.

HARRIET
What's wrong?

CHARLIE
Nothing. You kind of look like Tammy
Faye Baker right now.

She looks in the mirror.

HARRIET
Oh, yeah.

She goes back into the bathroom.

EXT. CESSNA - NIGHT

The plane descends towards the runway. The rain comes down
hard.

DENNIS (V.O.)
As we prepare to land, we can see
off to our left Lake Shanony, which
is...

TONY (V.O.)
Just land. Don't worry about Lake
Shanony. I don't give a shit about
Lake Shanony.

The plane touches down.

EXT. DRY CREEK LODGE - NIGHT

Rain pours fantastically on the gothic castle. Wind blows
hard.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
A toast to our new friends, Charlie
and Harriet...

INT. BEAUTIFUL FRENCH RESTAURANT IN HOTEL - NIGHT

A beautiful dining room with a small dance floor. Charlie
sits at an intimate table for two with Harriet. A small band
plays in the b.g., as the BAND LEADER is making the toast.
The five or six other couples in the restaurant also hold up
their glass.

BAND LEADER
...we're honored to be here for this
very special day in...

The CONCIERGE at this point interrupts to bring Charlie a
TELEPHONE. Everyone stops and watches and waits.

CONCIERGE
I'm sorry to interrupt, Sir. There's
a phone call for you from town.
(Charlie takes phone)
They say it's quite urgent.

The toast, as well as the entire room, stops -- almost like
an E.F. Hutton commercial, waiting for Charlie's phone call
to finish.

CHARLIE
(curious)
Hello?

INT. AIRPORT IN OREGON - EARLY EVENING

Tony speaks into the phone frantically.

TONY
Charlie, you okay?

INTERCUT PHONE CALL

CHARLIE
Great. Couldn't be better.

TONY
Charlie, listen to me! It's her!
Harriet is Mrs. X! She killed Ralph
and the two other men!

Charlie looks up across the table at Harriet who is completely
caught up in the event of seeing how long she can keep her
hand in the candle before it hurts.

She puts it in, smiles then takes it out. She shakes her
hand, and repeats the process.

CHARLIE
(talking softly)
Look, that's great -- it just so
happens though, that I met...
(louder than he had
hoped)
Ralph, and much to my delight, not
only is she alive, but she's female.
I thought I told you.

Harriet looks at Charlie, very suspiciously. He looks back
at her, and tries to smile, pretending that he is having a
pleasant, and completely irrelevant conversation.

TONY
Rose had a picture. It checked out.
It's her, Charlie. She is the
murderer.

HARRIET
Charlie, your food is getting cold.

Charlie waves "One Minute" to Harriet, as she watches.

CHARLIE
So, what do I do?

TONY
I called the police. All the roads
are closed, but they're on their
way. In the mean time just...

The line goes DEAD.

CHARLIE
Hello?
(pressing receiver)
Hello?

HARRIET
What's a matter, Charlie?

CHARLIE
(to concierge)
The phone just went dead. I was on
the phone and it went dead.

CONCIERGE
That's quite common, sir. I'm sure
the lines'll be out in the whole
city 'til tomorrow. Enjoy your meal,
Sir.

The Concierge takes the phone away. Charlie turns slowly to
Harriet, genuinely scared.

HARRIET
What happened, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Nothing... Nothing happened. Just
the lines are down. Phone lines.

Suddenly, the band leader continues with his toast.

BAND LEADER
(over microphone)
...so to these two young people, we
wish them a long and happy life
together and would like to play their
song. The Platters -- "Only You".

The band starts to play "Only You".

People APPLAUD. Harriet and Charlie just stare at each other.
He knows.

The older couple at the next table, MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN,
lean over to their table.

MR. LEVENSTEIN
How about the traditional Bride &
Groom dance?

Another couple walks by and pulls them literally out of the
their seats and onto the dance floor.

OTHER COUPLE
Come on. It's a tradition.

Charlie finds himself in the middle of the dance floor dancing
slowly with Harriet. He's scared out of his mind. The music
plays in the background. Harriet smiles strangely at him. He
tries to smile back, checking all the Exits, planning an
escape.

Then suddenly, call it luckily, MR. LEVENSTEIN, interrupts:

MR. LEVENSTEIN
Excuse me. Could I cut in on your
dance?

CHARLIE
Of course. Sure...

Charlie gives her hand away to Mr. Levenstein. He takes Mrs.
Levenstein's hand and starts to dance towards the EXIT, when
suddenly the ELECTRICITY GOES OUT. The MUSIC is out. The
LIGHTS ARE OUT.

In the dimmest of lights provided from the cloud covered
moon outside, Charlie runs across the dance floor, fighting
for an exit to the outside.

He arrives in someone's arms on his way.

CHARLIE
I need your help! You have to help
me! I've married a...!

The LIGHTS GO BACK ON and Charlie is in HARRIET'S ARMS again.
Her face is near menacing now. She smiles a very disturbed
grin. He doesn't know what to say.

HARRIET
(much too pleasant)
Hello, Charlie.

Charlie and her are squared off. Neither speak. Suddenly
both of them are lifted into the air. They look down and see
the waiters and busboys picking them up onto chairs, throwing
them up in the air again and again. The MUSIC plays along
loudly.

Harriet watches Charlie very closely, as Charlie looks scared.
Then, the people start to carry them out of the room and
down the hallway.

WAITER
Let's take 'em to their room.

CONCIERGE
Yeah, I'm sure they've had enough of
these crowds for one night.

CHARLIE
My dinner. I didn't finish my dinner
yet.

HARRIET
Smile, Charlie. Act like you're having
a good time.

INT. OREGON AIRPORT - SAME/NIGHT

Tony is talking to an attractive young girl behind the airport
Rent-A-Car booth.

RENT-A-CAR GIRL
I'm sorry, Sir. The roads are all
closed. We can't rent any cars this
evening.

TONY
You have to rent me something. I've
gotta get up there. My friend's in
danger...

INT. CHARLIE & HARRIET'S ROOM - NIGHT

The other hotel guests threw them inside. The room is all
made up, the sheets are pulled down, the firewood is cut,
the AXE is in the wood.

CONCIERGE
Have a good night, you two.

CHARLIE
Come on in. Stay for a nightcap.

BELLBOY
No, you two wanna be alone. See you.

CHARLIE
(demanding)
Stay for a nightcap!

BELLBOY
Sir, I really don't think I should

CHARLIE
(shouting)
STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!

The bellboy is frightened and runs away.

CHARLIE
(shouting down the
hall after him)
STAY FOR A NIGHTCAP!

Harriet pulls Charlie back into the room, frightened that
he's leaving.

HARRIET
Don't go, Charlie.

EXT. AIRPORT - NIGHT

Tony runs out of the airport terminal where he sees a man in
his forties who's just entered his four wheel drive jeep.

TONY
(flashing his badge)
Excuse me, Sir, I'm with the San
Francisco Police Department. I'm on
official business and I'm afraid I
have to commandeer your vehicle.

MAN
(unfazed)
No.

TONY
What do you mean no?!

MAN
I happen to know for a fact that you
don't have the power to commandeer
my vehicle.

TONY
This is true.
(pause)
Please can I commandeer your vehicle?

MAN
Well, where are you going?

TONY
To The Dry Creek Lodge.

MAN
I'll give you a lift.

TONY
Well, I don't want a lift, I really
want to commandeer the vehicle. Please
just let me commandeer the vehicle.

MAN
Why don't you just let me drive you
there? Really, I don't mind, it's on
my way.
(pause)

TONY
You're not going to bend on the
commandeering thing are you?

MAN
No.

TONY
Well, if we get stopped will you at
least let me say that I commandeered
the vehicle, but I let you drive?

MAN
I'm uncomfortable with that.

TONY
Please?

MAN
All right.

INT. CHARLES AND HARRIET'S ROOM

Charlie & Harriet are all alone. The voices trail off down
the hallway until they disappear. Charlie and Harriet stare
at each other. Harriet blocks the door. Charlie looks around
the room. The Axe. The Corkscrew. The letter opener. The
fountain pen. At this point, everything in the room looks
like a potential weapon. Harriet takes the axe.

HARRIET
I heard you on the phone before,
Charlie. There's something I've got
to tell you.

CHARLIE
(frightened)
Harriet, I...

HARRIET
I've been married before.

CHARLIE
I already know.

HARRIET
About my husbands?

CHARLIE
Yes. And I was meaning to have a
word with you. We could get an
annulment.

HARRIET
(screams)
AAAhhhhhhh!

Suddenly the power goes off again. They're both in the dark.
A scuffle. Charlie has restrained Harriet, throws her in a
walk-in closet and locks it. From behind the door, we hear
Harriet WAILING. Which continues.

Charlie picks up the axe, looks at it, relieved at his lucky
escape. He rushes to the door to escape. He opens it and
standing there is Rose.

CHARLIE
Aaaaah, Rose, I never thought I'd be
so glad to see you.

Rose smiles. Charlie puts down the axe. The lights flicker
back on.

CHARLIE
(going to the phone)
Maybe the phones are working again
by now.

He listens for a dial tone. Beside the phone he sees a note.
He starts to read is:

CHARLIE
'Dear, Harriet. I just can't handle
the commitment. I'm leaving you.'
Signed, 'Charlie.'

And behind him Rose approaches with the axe raised.

CHARLIE
What the hell is this? I didn't write
this?

And at that moment he turns to find the AXE BEING FLUNG
THROUGH THE AIR AT his head. He ducks just in time.

CHARLIE
What the fuck?!

She takes another swing and she hits the lamp off the desk
and the room is in complete DARKNESS.

ROSE
Charlie. Why did you marry Harriet?
I warned you not to marry her, didn't
I? I warned all of them. But none of
them listened to me. They all went
ahead and married her. She's the
pretty one. Where's Harriet? What
have you done with my sister, Harriet?

CHARLIE
Nothing, Rose.

ROSE
If you've done something to my sister,
Harriet, I swear to God I'll kill
you.

We stay in Charlie's hip pocket as he tries to get away from
what he can't see. He stays very silent.

HARRIET
(from the closet)
Where are you, Charlie? What's going
on?

Then Rose strikes a match. She lights a candle and comes
toward him. He looks around. The window is open. And Charlie
is gone.

INT. COMMANDEERED CAR - NIGHT

Tony and the commandeered man drive through the swampy,
winding road on the way up to the hotel. Tony is drumming on
the dash.

MAN
Could you stop doing that please?

EXT. CASTLE-LIKE ROUND TOWER/LEDGE OF TOWER - NIGHT

Charlie tightropes along the ledge of the building. The storm
continues. Rose comes out on the ledge and starts to chase
him. He rounds the bend. Charlie looks into one room and
sees MR. & MRS. LEVENSTEIN there. There's loud OPERA MUSIC
playing in the room

CHARLIE
Call the police!

INT. THE LEVENSTEIN'S ROOM - NIGHT SAME

The Levensteins prepare for bed. Charlie races by their
window. Then Rose races by.

CHARLIE
Call the police!

Mr. Levenstein closes the curtains. He can't hear.

EXT. LEDGE - NIGHT

Charlie races along the slippery ledge, almost falling at
several points. Rose then appears on the roof holding the
Axe, still.

ROSE
(mostly to herself;
slurring most words)
Charlie, did you like your note? I
thought it was pretty accurate. I
did all the husbands' notes. I can
forge anyone's handwriting, I can
write in anyone's style. See, I'm an
artist. Harriet isn't an artist.
Sure she could get a husband, but
she could never have done this. And
you know what I'm most proud of?

CHARLIE
What's that, Rose?

ROSE
Harriet never knew. She thought they
all just left her. I protected her.
She's my sister.

Charlie turns and runs. Rose chases him.

INT. BEDROOM

Tony breaks into the room with his gun drawn.

TONY
(shouting)
Charlie!

HARRIET
(from closet)
Tony, is that you? It's me, Harriet.
I'm in here.

Carefully, Tony opens the closet door.

HARRIET
Tony, Rose is trying to kill Charlie.
They're out on the ledge.

TONY
(not believing)
Get on the floor and put your hands
behind your back.

Harriet willingly goes on the floor.

HARRIET
Sure, anything. You've got to save
Charlie.

Tony slaps cuffs on her and takes her to the window.

INT. BEDROOM

Tony is standing with his back to the window, between it and
Harriet. She looks out of the window and screams.

HARRIET
Look! It's Charlie!

From Harriet's POV we see Charlie on the ledge edging along.
He stops in horror when he sees Harriet, glances back to the
pursuing Rose, and rushes off.

Tony looks behind him out the window. Nobody is there.

TONY
Nice try.

HARRIET
I swear to you... It was Charlie...
Look! Now there's Rose!

Rose looks into the room, with the axe in her hand.

TONY
No you don't.

HARRIET
I beg you... Look! It is Rose.

TONY
Oh no, not again.
(he glances at the
window)
Aaaaah! Rose.

INT. LEVENSTEIN'S WINDOW

There is opera music playing. Charlie rushes by, past the
window. There is a beat and he comes back, staring inside in
amazement.

REVERSE ANGLE

Mr. Levenstein is in a Viking outfit. Mrs. Levenstein is in
full Norse Regalia.

INT. LEVENSTEIN'S WINDOW

Charlie gulps and rushes on, hastily pursued by Rose.

INT. THE ROOF

Rose pulls the Axe back and swings, and the momentum of the
swing pulls her feet out from under her, and on the slippery
icy roof she falls and starts to slide.

Just as she's about to go off the fifty foot high roof,
Charlie climbs down the roof. He stands over her. She's about
to slip. Her hands are losing strength. Her fingers are
slipping. The rain is falling harder and harder.

Charlie walks over to the cage where she's hanging on for
life.

He leans down to help her up, but just as he grabs on to her
hand, the drainpipe she's holding onto slips.

She is now dangling from the roof, the rain falling harder
and harder. Charlie now is nowhere near her. He then gets
down on his knees on the roof and starts to climb down the
side of the drainpipe to get her.

Rose looks up helplessly at him. Not really asking for his
help. Not denying it. She's accepted her fate.

Policemen, ambulances and spectators have gathered below in
bunches as Charlie climbs down the drainpipe, he himself
hanging on for dear life.

He just reaches out far enough to grab her hand, and just as
he does, her drainpipe tears and falls into the crowd below.
Charlie, then with all his strength -- his "where has this
strength been my whole life" strength -- pulls her up to the
roof next to him.

Several policemen make their way onto the roof and come over
to where Charlie is detaining Rose. The police take her,
handcuff her and cart her away. From the corner of the roof
appears Tony.

TONY
I hate to bother you on your
honeymoon, Charlie, but...

Charlie looks beyond Tony and sees Harriet standing in the
doorway. He goes over and puts his arm around Harriet.

CHARLIE
Thank God. I'm sorry I doubted you,
but I thought you were the killer,
but you were acting pretty strange?

HARRIET
I thought you were going to leave
me, like the others. Thank God they
were just murdered. I thought they
were always leaving me.

Below, Rose is put into a police car and taken off. The SIRENS
disappear. So do the crowds.

DISSOLVE INTO:

THE SOUND OF A CROWD IN A CLUB:

INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE

Charlie is on stage looking very beatnik. He's reading his
poetry, but we can't hear it. He nods to someone off stage.
Harriet is in the audience, also looking very beatnik with
their three year old son, STUART, a miniature beatnik version
of Charlie.

CHARLIE (V.O.)
My dad was right. You don't lose
your muse once you're married. Nothing
changed, except I gained a great
son, Stuart.

SOUND UP on Charlie's poetry.

CHARLIE
MARRIED MAN
MOST MERRY
AND IN CONCLUSION

CROWD AND CHARLIE
THIS POEM SUCKS.

The crowd goes crazy.

CHARLIE
Thank you very much.

HOUSE MUSIC kicks on. It's Saturday Night by the Bay City
Rollers.

BAY CITY ROLLERS
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT

Charlie comes off stage and joins his wife and child at their
table. He is very happy.

FADE OUT:

THE END

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