"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SERIAL MOM"

by

John Waters

Second Draft: July 22, 1992



Film opens with prologue title: "This is a true story. The
screenplay is based on court testimony, sworn declarations,
and hundreds of interviews conducted by the film-makers".

FADE OUT:

Fade in to second prologue title: "Some of the innocent
characters' names have been changed in the interests of a
larger truth".

FADE OUT:

Fade in to final prologue title: "No one involved in the
crimes received any form of financial compensation".

FADE OUT:

Establishing shot of upper-middle class suburban home. We
hear on the soundtrack the daily morning chatter of a family
rushing to get to work and school.

Subtitle appears: "2815 Calverton Court. The Sutphin Family".

FADE OUT:

Second subtitle fades in: "Friday, September 18th, 1992.
7:08am".

FADE OUT:

Interior cheery, bright SUTPHIN kitchen. CREDITS BEGIN.

MOM, BEVERLY, a trim, fortyish, pretty Betty Crocker of the
90's, grabs the toast as it pops up and butters it. She waves
cheerfully out the kitchen window to the passing GARBAGEMEN
on the back of a Baltimore County garbage truck and then
turns to her husband and children and expertly begins to
serve breakfast.

DAD, EUGENE, the ultimate nice guy and a dentist by trade,
divides the morning paper up between himself and son CHIP, a
cute semi-hip kid who is still in high-school. Daughter,
MISTY, a pretty and slightly overweight college student,
frantically prices the junk she plans on selling at the flea
market after classes while gulping down a light breakfast.

MOM
Who wants fruit salad?

MISTY
I do, please.

MOM
(Hesitating)
That's not gum in your mouth, is it?

MISTY
(Removing it)
It's sugarless.

MOM
(Gently)
You know how I hate gum, Misty. All
that chomping and cheesing...
(Begins serving her)

MISTY
Sorry, Mom. Thanks.
(To her brother, as
she prices a record
album)
Hey, Chip, think I could get 50c for
Vanilla Ice.

CHIP
I wouldn't give ya a nickel.

MISTY
(Dreamily)
Carl can't believe how much I make
at swap meets.

MOM
(Rolling her eyes
good-naturedly)
And who may I ask is Carl?

MISTY
Just a boy. He's picking me up this
morning.

CHIP
Here we go again.

MISTY
He's really cute!

MOM
(Watching the cute
little birds nibbling
seed from the bird-
feeder in kitchen
window)
Cute is not enough, Misty. You know
that.

CHIP
She sure can pick 'em!

MISTY
(Exasperated)
He goes to college with me!

DAD
Leave her alone, Chip.
(To MOM)
I think it's great she has a new
beau, Beverly.

MOM smiles kindly, picks up a box of cereal in each hand and
turns to the family.

MOM
Cereal anybody?

Title "SERIAL MOM" appears on the screen.

DAD
Just a little, please. Bad for the
teeth.

CHIP
Always the dentist.

MOM
Chip, honey?

CHIP
Thanks, Mom.

As MOM serves the cereal, she spots a lone fly as it lands
on the butter dish. Without letting on to her family, she
grabs a flyswatter and begins stalking the fly with a
terrifying intensity, its buzzing enough to make MOM's head
explode.

DAD
(Reading paper)
Look at this!
(Reading out loud in
disgust)
"Hillside Strangler gets his college
degree in prison!"

MOM
(Preoccupied, stalking
fly)
That's nice.

DAD
Nice?! He should have been executed!

MISTY
He killed people, Mom.

MOM
(To herself)
We all have bad nights.
(Gets ready to swat,
but fly buzzes off)

CHIP
(To MISTY)
You'd probably date him!
(Mimicking her)
He's cu-uuute! Hey, Dad, did you
ever see "Henry, Portrait of a Serial
Killer?"

DAD
I certainly did not.

MISTY
You've been working in that video
shop too long.

DAD
And all that gore better hadn't be
interfering with your schoolwork.

MOM stalks fly as it lands on CHIP's toast as the rest of
the family remains oblivious to MOM's building anger.

CHIP
I do great in school, Dad.
(Eats toast as fly
buzzes off)

A sickened and rage-filled MOM stalks the fly to DAD's orange
juice glass where it secretes on the rim in closeup.

DAD
Well, your mother's going to PTA
today. We'll see what your teacher
has to say.
(Takes a big gulp as
fly buzzes away)

CHIP
(Giving a pleading
look to MOM as the
buzzing of the fly
builds in intensity
on the soundtrack)
Aw, Mom! I hate Mr. Stubbins!

MOM
(Moving in for the
kill, hissing the
words in a rage)
Don't say the word "hate", honey.
"Hate" is a very serious word!

MOM swats violently and we see fly splat in bloody closeup.
("Directed by John Waters" credit appears).

Family is suddenly silent as they uneasily look up in surprise
at MOM's ferocious attack.

MOM quickly wipes up squashed fly and smiles back at her
family.

MOM
There. All better.
(Suddenly all innocence)
Anybody for scrambled eggs?

END OF CREDITS.

A loud banging is heard on the back door. MOM jumps up
guiltily.

DAD
(Getting up from table)
Who on earth...?

MOM opens door to two police detectives in plain clothes.
DETECTIVE MOORE is younger and more rugged than the older
more world-weary DETECTIVE BRADFORD.

DET. MOORE
Mrs. Sutphin?

MOM
(Nervously)
Yes?

DET. MOORE
(Shows badge)
I'm Detective Moore and this is
Detective Bradford.

Subtitle appears "7:26am" and then fades out.

DAD
(Taking over)
I'm Dr. Eugene Sutphin. What's the
trouble, officer?

CHIP
(Excitedly)
Is there a killer loose?

DET. MOORE
No son, nothing that exciting.

MOM
This is my son, Chip... and my
daughter, Misty.

MISTY
(Inappropriately making
eyes at the younger
cop)
Hi!

CHIP
(Seeing MISTY flirting)
Jeeezzz!

MOM
Det. Bradford, I'm sorry but we don't
allow gum chewing in this house.
(Hands him a paper
napkin)

DET. BRADFORD
(Spitting his gum
into paper napkin)
Sorry, ma'am.
(To MOM and DAD, taking
out an envelope)
We're investigating obscene phone
calls and mail threats to a certain
Mrs. Dottie Hinkle.

MOM
I know Dottie!

DAD
She lives right down the street.

DET. BRADFORD
Could you take a look at this...

DET. MOORE
...And tell us of anybody who might
be responsible?

DET. BRADFORD
(As he hands note to
MOM and DAD)
I should warn you... this note
contains LANGUAGE.

MOM and DAD open note. In cut-out letters from a magazine it
reads: "I'LL GET YOU PUSSY FACE!"

MOM
(Recoiling)
Oh God, really!
(Hands it back to cop)
This is the limit!

CHIP
Let me see!

DAD
Sorry, son.
(In disgust)
This is a matter for adults.

MOM
Officers, I've never said the P-word
out loud, much less written it down!

DAD
No woman would!

MOM
(Seeing cute little
bird land on window
feeder)
Look officers! Life doesn't have to
be ugly.
(In baby-talk)
See the little birdie? Listen to his
call.
(Imitating bird call)
Peter Pan! Peter Pan! Peter Pan!

CHIP and MISTY roll their eyes in embarrassment as bird calls
back to MOM.

BIRD
Peter Pan! Peter Pan! Peter Pan!

DAD smiles proudly as detectives look at MOM in amazement.

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

A convertible pulls into driveway driven by CHIP's best
friend, SCOTTY BARNHILL, a handsome but sullen red-necky
teen. Next to him is CHIP's girlfriend, BIRDIE STUART, a
sexy tom-boy with lots of savvy.

Subtitle appears: "7:41am" and then fades out.

INTERIOR SUTPHIN KITCHEN.

MOM
Chip, your ride is here.

DAD
(Looking at his watch)
Hey, I'm late for work. Bye, honey.
(Kisses MOM goodbye)

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

All exit.

DET. MOORE
Thanks for your time, everybody.

MISTY
(Sighing)
Bye, Detective Moore.

BIRDIE
(Leaping out of
convertible)
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Sutphin.

DAD
(To cops, getting
into his car)
That's Birdie. She's a horror nut
just like my son.

MOM
(Fondly)
Good morning, Birdie. This is
Detectives Moore and Bradford.

BIRDIE
(Overdramatic, feigning
horror)
I didn't do it! I swear! Don't lock
me up! I'll take a lie detector!
(Kisses CHIP)
(Good-naturedly to
COPS)
Hi ya, boys!

MOM
(Sarcastically to a
sullen SCOTTY in car)
Good morning Scotty!

SCOTTY guiltily looks up from vintage Betty Page pin-up mag
he's reading and toots horn defiantly in response as MOM
grits her teeth.

BIRDIE
Hey Misty, look what I got!
(Pulling it out of
bag)
A Pee Wee Herman Doll. Can you sell
it for me at the flea market?

MISTY
(Impressed)
Wow! Still in the box! I sure can!
(Looks up and sees a
Trans Am speeding
towards the house)
Oh God, here comes Carl!

DAD pulls off in his car and almost collides with CARL as he
aggressively manoeuvres his car up the driveway.

CARL PADGETT, a handsome jock climbs out of his car.

CARL
(To MOM)
You must be Mrs. Sutphin. I'm Carl
Padgett.

MOM
Misty's date...

CARL
More of a friend really...

MISTY looks hurt.

MISTY
(To CARL)
See what Birdie gave me to sell at
the flea market?

CARL
(Sneering at Pee-Wee)
That guy's a weirdo.

MOM'S smile freezes on her face as CHIP and BIRDIE hop in
SCOTTY's convertible.

MOM
(Pointing to SCOTTY
and calling out to
COPS as they get
into their car)
Now there's something you should be
interested in, detectives. A grown
boy who doesn't wear his seat belts!

SCOTTY gives MOM a hateful look and peels out.

DISSOLVE TO SUBURBAN STREET.

DET. MOORE and DET. BRADFORD sit in their unmarked police
car, drinking coffee and filling out police reports.

DET. BRADFORD
(Once again chewing
gum)
Christ, that one was Beaver Cleaver's
mother.
(Imitating her)
Peter Pan! Peter Pan! Peter Pan!

DET. MOORE
(Good-naturedly)
Oh, leave her alone. Mrs. Sutphin's
about as normal and nice a lady we're
ever going to find.

INTERIOR BEVERLY AND EUGENE SUTPHIN'S BEDROOM.

MOM is sitting on bed, dialing phone with a determined
expression on her face.

Subtitle appears: "9:37am" and fades out.

In split screen, DOTTIE HINKLE, the harassed middle aged
neighbor, looks at her ringing phone in her living room with
suspicion and finally answers.

DOTTIE
(Angrily)
Hello.

MOM
(Speaking in disguised
voice)
Is this the Cocksucker residence?

DOTTIE
(Rising to the bait
every time)
Goddamn you! STOP CALLING HERE!

MOM
Isn't this 4215 Pussy Way?

DOTTIE
(Furious)
You bitch!

MOM
Let me check the zip - 212 Fuck you?

DOTTIE
The police are tracing your call
right this minute.

MOM
Well, Dottie, how come they're not
here then, Fuck-Face?

DOTTIE
(Red with rage)
FUCK YOU!
(Slams down phone)

MOM giggles to herself like a little kid and immediately
redials the phone.

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE. BACK DOOR.

ROSEMARY ACKERMAN, MOM's frumpy, brittle, busy-body next
door neighbor, is knocking on door, carrying a sewing basket.

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Calling out)
Beverly? Beverly darling? You home?
(She lets herself in)
I know you are...

INTERIOR MOM'S BEDROOM.

MOM is laughing to herself listening to ringing phone while
MRS. HINKLE, on split-screen, tries not to answer. Finally
she lunges for it.

DOTTIE
(Answering)
FUCK YOU TOO, YOU ROTTEN WHORE!!

MOM
(Disguising her voice
in prim manner)
I beg your pardon?

DOTTIE
(Horrified but
suspicious)
Who is this?

MOM
Mrs. Wilson from the telephone
company. I understand you're having
problems with obscene calls.

DOTTIE
(Mortified)
Yes, I am... I'm sorry Mrs. Wilson...
It's driving me crazy... I've changed
my number twice already... Please
help me!

INTERIOR SUTPHIN KITCHEN.

ROSEMARY ACKERMAN walks through kitchen, wipes a finger on
window ledge to check for dust and calls out Beverly's name.

INTERIOR MOM'S BEDROOM.

MOM doesn't hear MRS. ACKERMAN as she continues her phone
conversation with MRS. HINKLE.

MOM
(Still the fake
telephone company
representative)
What exactly does this sick individual
say to you?

DOTTIE
I can't say it out loud. I don't use
bad language.

INTERIOR MOM'S LIVING ROOM.

MRS. ACKERMAN looks up at huge oil portrait of MOM in ornate
frame hanging over couch and calls out Beverly's name. Hearing
muffled voices behind MOM'S closed bedroom door at the top
of the steps, MRS. ACKERMAN begins to creep up the steps.

INTERIOR MOM'S BEDROOM.

Split screen with MOM and DOTTIE HINKLE.

MOM
(Still impersonating)
I know it's hard but we need the
exact words.

DOTTIE
Alright, I'll try...
(Primly)
"Cocksucker". That's what she calls
me.

MOM
(Laughs hideously,
begins speaking in
her scary voice)
Listen to your dirty mouth, you
fucking whore!

DOTTIE
(Ballistic)
GODDAMN YOU!

INTERIOR HALLWAY OUTSIDE MOM'S BEDROOM.

MRS. ACKERMAN hears muffled shouts and reaches for door
handle.

INTERIOR BEDROOM. SPLIT SCREEN BETWEEN MOM AND DOTTIE.

DOTTIE
MOTHERFUCKER!!

MOM
COCKSUCKER!
(Slams down phone)

MRS. ACKERMAN barges right in bedroom, almost catching MOM
who expertly snaps back to normal without missing a beat.

MRS. ACKERMAN
Beverly, are you alright?

MOM
Rosemary, honey. Good morning. I'm
fine.
(Taking the sewing
basket)
Thanks for remembering.

MRS. ACKERMAN
It's the least I could do.
(Suspicious)
I heard shouting.

MOM opens sewing box to reveal a pair of gleaming sewing
scissors.

MOM
(Slamming it shut)
Just the damn cable TV company. You
know how they are. Did you hear about
Dottie Hinkle?

MRS. ACKERMAN
Yes, I did. It's terrifying! The
police were at my house this morning.

MOM
Who on earth would want to harass
poor Dottie Hinkle?

EXTERIOR DOTTIE HINKLE'S SUBURBAN HOUSE.

DOTTIE HINKLE, still angry and occasionally cursing to
herself, digs in her prize flower garden out front of her
house behind ornamental wishing-well on front lawn. Subtitle
appears: "2:15pm" and then fades out.

Cut to MOM, driving happily by in her station wagon as she
waves to DOTTIE.

DOTTIE sees MOM, tries to look cheerful and waves back.

Cut back to MOM who looks in her rear view mirror, sees she's
not being followed and suddenly screeches car into a U-turn
as MOM's "Psycho Theme" plays on soundtrack MOM's face turns
to stone as ripple flashback effects dissolve to that fateful
day in the mall when MOM pulled up to parallel park and DOTTIE
HINKLE stole her place from behind.

Ripple effects dissolve to the present as the wheels of MOM'S
car skid to a stop. The car door opens and MOM's sensible
shoes step out as "Mom Psycho Theme" builds.

MOM closes car door quietly, watches DOTTIE HINKLE up the
street undetected and then takes the scissors from her purse
and hides them up her sleeve.

As MOM sneaks up street towards DOTTIE, intercut are
obsessional flashbacks of details of the traumatic parking
place incident; MOM'S POV of DOTTIE pulling into space,
DOTTIE'S maddening nonchalance as she snottily gets out of
her car and trots right past MOM without the slightest
apology, MOM'S sputtering face paralyzed with anger when she
realizes there is nowhere else to park.

Back in the present, MOM starts walking faster and faster as
she sees DOTTIE begin to pack up her gardening tools to go
back inside her house.

Arriving just a second too late as DOTTIE closes the door
behind her, MOM spots a can of gasoline near DOTTIE's
lawnmower. Thinking fast, MOM dumps gas on DOTTIE's mail in
the mailbox on porch, lights it on fire and runs from the
flames, happily throwing a coin into DOTTIE's wishing well
as an afterthought.

MOM walks as fast as possible back to her car, gets in and
pulls off. Smiling evilly to herself, she drives by and sees
DOTTIE HINKLE screaming in horror and trying to beat the
fire out with a broom.

EXTERIOR TOWSON SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

Parking lot is filled and the few last parents are entering
the building for PTA meeting. MOM speeds into lot and gets
out of car. Subtitle appears: "3:06pm" and fades out.

INTERIOR CLASSROOM.

MR. STUBBINS, Chip's teacher, is winding down a one-on-one
meeting with another mother, who is in tears.

MRS. TAPLOTTER
But, Mr. Stubbins, my son studies
every night! He's trying as hard as
he can...

MR. STUBBINS
Some teenagers just aren't college
material, Mrs, Taplotter. It's nothing
to cry over. Now, there are other
parents waiting.
(Smugly)
...thank you for taking the time to
come to PTA.

INTERIOR SCHOOL HALLWAY. OUTSIDE MR. STUBBINS' CLASSROOM.

Parents are seated in folding chairs waiting to be called in
to conference. MOM comes rushing down corridor and other
parents greet her.

MRS. STERNER
Hi, Beverly.

MOM
Hi, Betty. Oh, I love your outfit.

MRS. STERNER
Thanks.
(Snobbily)
It's a Liz Claiborne.

MR. STERNER
Mrs. Sutphin, where's that husband
of yours?
(Making a bad dental
joke and pointing to
his teeth)
Feeling "down in the mouth"?!
Hohohohohoho!

MOM
(Smiling through her
teeth)
You're soooo funny, Ralph...

MR. STUBBINS leans his head out of classroom and looks at
roll book as MRS. TAPLOTTER leaves, dabbing her tears with a
handkerchief.

MR. STUBBINS
Mrs... Sutphin?

MOM
(Excited)
Right here!

MOM goes in classroom with him.

INTERIOR CLASSROOM.

MR. STUBBINS
Mrs. Sutphin, I'm Paul Stubbins,
Chip's math teacher.

MOM
(Shaking hands)
Nice to meet you, Mr. Stubbins.
(Handing him a tin)
A little something I baked.

MR. STUBBINS
(Peeking inside)
Oooohh! A fruit cake. Thank you,
Mrs. Sutphin. Have a seat.

MOM
Bon Appetit!

They sit on opposite sides of his desk.

MR. STUBBINS
Chip is off to a fine start this
year.
(Checking his roll
book)
Focused... conscientious...
participates actively in classroom
discussion.

MOM
(Proudly)
He's a good boy.

MR. STUBBINS
(Suddenly serious)
There is one big problem though.

MOM'S smile freezes on her face ever so subtly

MOM
What is it, Mr. Stubbins?

MR. STUBBINS
(Spitting out the
words)
His unhealthy obsession with sick
horror films.

MOM
(Relieved)
He is assistant manager of a video
shop...

MR. STUBBINS
(Cutting her off)
That's no excuse for a morbid
imagination. I caught him drawing
this in class last week.
(Unfolds lurid drawing
of woman getting her
tongue pulled out
with the title, "Blood
Feast")
Is there a problem at home?

MOM
(Shocked)
Certainly not!

MR. STUBBINS
Divorce? An alcoholic relative?
(Knowingly)
Tell me, did Chip torture animals
when he was young?

MOM
(Furious)
No, he did not! We are a loving
supportive family, Mr. Stubbins.

MR. STUBBINS
Well, you're doing something wrong,
Mrs. Sutphin. I'd recommend therapy
for your son.
(Rising from his chair)
Thank you for taking the time to
come to PTA.

WIPE TO EXTERIOR HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT.

MOM sits behind wheel of station wagon wearing a scary smile.
Subtitle appears: "3:32pm" and fades out.

MOM sees MR. STUBBINS exit school carrying her tin of fruit
cake. "Mom's Psycho Theme" starts on soundtrack and she puts
her car in gear.

Closeup of wheels of MOM's car beginning to creep forward
MOM waves innocently to other parents as she stalks MR.
STUBBINS to his car in isolated faculty parking lot.

A trashy teen girl, LU-ANN, sneaks a joint behind a bush
unnoticed.

Shot of MOM's face staring at MR. STUBBINS in vengeance.

Over the shoulder shot of MR. STUBBINS walking directly in
MOM's path.

Closeup of MR. STUBBINS looking up and seeing MOM. He takes
a stick of gum from his pocket, unwraps it, and pops it in
his mouth.

MOM's face turns to stone at the last straw of seeing MR.
STUBBINS chewing gum.

MOM's POV of MR. STUBBINS waving to her.

Shot of accelerator being floored by MOM.

Shot of MOM's car peeling out headed straight for MR.
STUBBINS.

MOM's POV of MR. STUBBINS' suddenly terrified expression.

MR. STUBBINS' POV of MOM'S car speeding at him.

MOM's car hits MR. STUBBINS and sends him flying up on car
hood.

Shot of fruit cake tin hitting ground and rolling.

LU-ANN, the trashy teen girl screams in horror. MOM turns on
windshield wipers to wipe away blood but they only smear the
blood worse.

MOM hits windshield wiper fluid button.

MR. STUBBINS' POV SHOT OF MOM's insanely happy face through
bloodied water.

Suddenly MR. STUBBINS grabs on to side-view mirror and
attempts to grab MOM through side window.

LU-ANN watches in horrified amazement and throws down joint
like it's a hot coal.

MOM starts swerving car but MR. STUBBINS holds on for dear
life, grabbing at MOM, pulling her hair.

MOM struggles and bites his hand like a snapping turtle.

Shot of sign "SLOW-SPEED BUMPS".

MOM hits speed bump and MR. STUBBINS flies over roof and
lands in a heap behind her.

MOM screeches to a stop.

MOM's POV, through rearview mirror of MR. STUBBINS, still
alive, struggling to his knees.

MOM smiles sweetly.

Closeup of automatic gear shift being thrown into reverse.

MOM's car backs up swerving in speed towards MR. STUBBINS.

Low-level MR. STUBBINS' POV of rear of car coming at him.

MOM'S POV of MR. STUBBINS' desperate struggle to get out of
her path.

Car runs directly over him - THUHP - and chewed up wad of
gum flies out of MR. STUBBINS' mouth.

MOM smiles to herself.

LU-ANN, the only eye-witness, runs away in fear.

MOM peels out and once in main parking lot resumes waving
innocently to other parents as she flees.

MOM swerves car into car wash.

INTERIOR CHIP'S BEDROOM.

On CHIP's large video screen plays the ridiculously dated
but still appalling scene from "BLOOD FEAST" where the madman
with the corny, madeup eyebrows rips a girl's tongue out of
her mouth in hokey special effects.

Subtitle reads "4:22pm" and fades out.

CHIP and BIRDIE are hooting and hollering and eating popcorn
as SCOTTY looks up from his vintage nudist-camp magazine to
watch in real horror and nausea.

BIRDIE
It's a sheep's tongue!

SCOTTY
Man, I just ate. Turn it off.

CHIP
Rewind it! Let's see it again!

SCOTTY
No! That shit is sickening! Put on
pussy!

BIRDIE
(Torturing SCOTTY)
Look, Dick-Head!
(Gore scene replays)
SLOW-MOTION!

SCOTTY starts to gag and tries to hide it,

BIRDIE
(Looking at screen)
BLOOD FEAST!

CHIP
(Proudly)
The "Citizen Kane" of gore movies.

SCOTTY looks at gore on video, jumps up to run to bathroom,
yanks open bedroom door and screams when he sees MOM standing
there with a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

MOM
I don't know what it is about today,
but I FEEL GREAT!

SCOTTY
(Gagging)
Excuse me, Mrs. Sutphin.

He runs past her to the bathroom.

CHIP
Hi, Mom.

BIRDIE
Hi, Mrs. Sutphin.

MOM looks at TV monitor and sees madman taking out heart of
girl. MOM smiles inappropriately.

MOM
(Giggles)
You kids. Now Birdie, I want you to
have a cookie and then run along
home.

CHIP
But Mom, the video's not over.

MOM
No "but mom" for you, young man.
Mr. Stubbins seems to think these
silly movies are interfering with
your studies.
(Turns off video with
remote)

BIRDIE
(Rolling her eyes)
Oh, boy!
(Getting ready to
leave)

CHIP
Mom, Mr. Stubbins is a nimrod!

SCOTTY comes back in room feeling better.

SCOTTY
Man, that one made me puke!

MOM
(Picking up SCOTTY's
nudist camp magazine
and handing it back
to him like it's
poison)
You forgot something...

SCOTTY
(Looking around
confused)
Are we leaving?

MOM
Yes you are.

SCOTTY guiltily takes back magazine as BIRDIE drags him out.

BIRDIE
Bye, Mrs, Sutphin.

CHIP
(Affectionately)
Bye, bird-brain. See ya, Scotty.

MOM
Bye, Birdie.
(Sitting down next to
CHIP on his bed)
Chip, honey... I know it's hard being
a teenager but I understand... I'm
your mother and I love you.

CHIP
Oh Mom...

MOM
(Suddenly his buddy)
Can we watch that scene again? You
know, where he rips out her heart?
(Giggling scarily)
PLEEEASE?

CHIP looks back at his MOM in sudden confusion.

SUTPHIN KITCHEN.

SPIN-WIPE to tomato sauce topped meatloaf being taken out of
the oven by MOM. Subtitle appears "6:30pm" and fades out.

SUTPHIN DINING ROOM.

DAD, MISTY and CHIP sit around dining room table. MOM enters
with the meatloaf and a smile.

MOM
(Jokingly)
Ladies and gentlemen, the perfect
meatloaf!

CHIP
Looks good, Mom!

DAD
Nothing like a home cooked meal,
honey.

MOM
Misty, I made your favorite sesame
broccoli...
(Passes it to her)

MISTY
Yummy. Carl says if I lose ten pounds,
he'll take me to the University of
Maryland Fall Mixer.

MOM
(Appalled)
Misty, if you want to lose weight go
ahead, but do it for yourself, not
for some boy you barely know.

CHIP
Carl's a jerk!

DAD
He certainly drives like a jerk.

MISTY
(Getting upset)
Carl makes me happy and that threatens
this family, doesn't it?

DAD
Doesn't threaten me, honey. I'm happy.

MOM
I'm happy too and we want you to be
happy.

CHIP
(Mockingly)
I'm so happy I could shit.

MOM
CHIP! You know how much I hate the
brown word!

Suddenly a scream from outside is heard.

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

ROSEMARY ACKERMAN, the busy-body next door neighbor is running
across lawn from her house to the Sutphins.

MRS. ACKERMAN
Beverly! Beverly!

INTERIOR SUTPHIN DINING ROOM.

Family is getting up from table in alarm.

MOM
That's Rosemary. Something's wrong!

CHIP and MISTY look at one another and stick fingers down
their throats at mention of MRS. ACKERMAN'S name.

ROSEMARY ACKERMAN runs in from kitchen in hysterics.

MRS. ACKERMAN
Turn on the news!
(To CHIP)
A teacher at your school has been
murdered!

MISTY
(Appalled)
Murdered?

CHIP
Who?

MRS. ACKERMAN
A Mr. Stubber... or Stubbins.

CHIP
(Horrified)
MR. STUBBINS? That's my math teacher!

INTERIOR SUTPHIN LIVING ROOM.

DAD runs in and turns on TV as family and MRS. ACKERMAN follow
and watch under MOM's framed portrait on wail.

DAD
What channel?

MRS. ACKERMAN
It's on all of them!

Phone rings. CHIP grabs the receiver.

CHIP
Hello.

We see BIRDIE in split screen.

BIRDIE
(Excited)
Did you hear?

CHIP
What happened?

BIRDIE
This is so cool! It's just like a
horror movie.

ANNOUNCER comes on TV.

CHIP
It's on! I'll call you back!
(Hangs up)

ANNOUNCER
...Police claim the driver of the
hit and run vehicle ran down the
teacher in cold blood and then backed
up over his body to finish off the
job. Mr. Paul Stubbins was thirty-
eight years old...

DAD
(Mad)
Whoever did it should get the death
penalty!

MOM yawns absentmindedly.

ANNOUNCER
...So far only one eyewitness has
surfaced.

MOM looks up in sudden fear as LU-ANN, the trashy pot-smoking
girl who witnessed murder appears on screen.

LU-ANN
It was a blue car... I know that
much!

CHIP
That's Lu-Ann Hodges!

MISTY
She's a pothead!

LU-ANN
...A blue station wagon...

MRS. ACKERMAN
That's like your car, Beverly,

MOM
(Glaring at MRS.
ACKERMAN)
I'm not that bad a driver.
(Disapprovingly at TV
screen)
Look at her hair!
(To CHIP)
Turn it off, honey.

CHIP
(He does)
(In shock)
I can't believe Mr. Stubbins is dead.

MISTY
You said you hated him.

CHIP
Well... he was an asshole... but he
didn't deserve to die!

SUTPHIN MASTER BEDROOM.

Wipe to MOM finishing a silent prayer kneeling next to bed
as DAD reads a spy novel under the covers. Subtitle appears:
"10:45pm" and fades out.

DAD
(Putting down his
book as MOM climbs
in)
I can't stop thinking about that
poor teacher.
(Turning out light on
his side of bed)
Goodnight, honey. Don't read late,
we've got a big day with the birds
tomorrow.

MOM
(Picking up and leafing
through "The
Encyclopedia of Birds")
I've identified every little birdie
we're going to watch tomorrow on the
Eastern Shore.

We see that underneath the cover of the bird book, MOM is
reading "Helter Skelter". She lightly caresses a picture of
Manson and closes the book and turns out her light.

DAD
Goodnight, honey.

MOM
Don't I get a kiss?

DAD
(Moving closer)
I just thought with all the sadness...
you wouldn't want...

MOM
(Snuggling up)
We have to concentrate on life,
Eugene.

DAD
(Kissing her)
It's fine with me, Beverly.
(Kisses her again
more passionately)
You want to, honey? You think the
kids are asleep?

MOM
We can be real quiet...

DAD
(Getting on top of
her)
I love that you're my wife.

MOM
(Getting turned on)
You're not bad yourself, coo-coo
bird...

DAD
(Gently making love
to her)
You bring me such peace...

MOM
Oohhhh, Eugene!

DAD
Shhhh..

MOM
(Getting louder)
Oooohhhh.

DAD
Don't wake the kids...

MOM
(Even louder)
Ooohhhh!

MISTY'S BEDROOM.

We see MISTY, hair in curlers, pricing junk for flea market,
stop and listen to sounds coming from parents' bedroom.

SUTPHIN BEDROOM.

MOM and DAD are having romantic monogamous sex.

MOM
Oooohhh! Yeah! Yeah!

DAD
(Really turned on)
You're hot tonight, honey... but be
quiet! Shhhh! The kids!

CHIP'S BEDROOM.

CHIP looks up from reading "Fangoria Magazine" and listens
in horror to his mother's distant moaning.

SUTPHIN BEDROOM.

MOM is panting wildly, a suburban sex machine. DAD is amazed
but hardly complaining.

MOM
Yeah! Oohhhh! Get it!

DAD
Ooh, honey, I'm ready! Now! Now!

MOM
(In orgasm, wildly
thrashing)
Oohhhhh! Yeah! Yeah!

HALLWAY BETWEEN CHIP AND MISTY'S BEDROOMS.

CHIP and MISTY open bedroom doors simultaneously, hear their
parents climaxing and look at one another in complete horror.

Fade to black.

Slow fade in to EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

Birds are heard greeting the sunrise with their happy
chirping. Subtitle appears "Saturday, September l9th, 5:30am"
and fade out.

INTERIOR SUTPHIN BEDROOM.

MOM, dressed for bird-watching day-trip, watches the cute
little chickadees nibbling seed out of her birdfeeder on
lawn through binoculars from bedroom window. DAD, half-awake,
stirs in his bed.

MOM
(Tracking a
particularly cute
bird)
There's Dede! He's my favorite
chickadee! He's here every morning
for breakfast.

DAD
(Groggy)
Well, honey, chickadees breed in
Alaska, you know. No wonder Dede's
hungry. It's a long trip all the way
to Baltimore.

MOM continues tracking the bird in her binoculars until she
freezes in horror at the sight of MRS. ACKERMAN running her
mouth next door to DETECTIVES MOORE and BRADFORD and pointing
to MOM's car.

Suddenly the phone rings with jangling intensity. MOM jumps.

DAD
Hello...

On split screen is obnoxious man from PTA, MR. STERNER,
holding his jaw in pain.

MR. STERNER
Eugene, it's Ralph Sterner. Got a
dental emergency here!
(Moans in pain)
I mean this goddamn tooth is killing
me!

DAD
Well, Mr. Sterner, if you call my
office, I'm sure we can see you
Monday.

MOM starts shaking her head "No" to DAD just in case.

MR. STERNER
MONDAY?

MRS. STERNER, his wife, grabs the phone.

MRS. STERNER
Eugene, this is Betty Sterner, He'll
die by Monday! The roots are infected!
He might have a heart attack!

DAD
(Wearily)
All right, Mrs. Sterner... Nine
o'clock.

MOM's face changes to purple rage as she turns to hide her
anger from DAD.

DAD
(Hangs up)
I'm sorry, honey. But the birds will
still be there next week.

MOM
(Turning to face DAD,
suddenly stoic)
It's Ok, Eugene. I understand...
I'll go fix breakfast.
(Exits calmly)

INTERIOR HALLWAY OUTSIDE SUTPHIN'S BEDROOM.

MOM's calm turns to immediate rage as she closes bedroom
door and storms her way downstairs as "Mom's Psycho Theme"
blares on soundtrack.

CHIP'S BEDROOM

CHIP is sound asleep. MOM enters in a fury.

MOM
(In his ear, loudly)
CHIP!!

CHIP
(Jumping up in fear
from sleep)
God, Mom!
(Looking at her scary
face)
What's the matter?

MOM
(Back to normal,
sweetly)
Time to get up, that's all. You'll
be late for work.

CHIP
You scared me.

INTERIOR SUTPHIN KITCHEN.

MISTY is sobbing in fury as she sits forlornly with boxed up
flea-market junk. MOM enters and is startled to see her.

MOM
Honey, what's the matter?

MOM looks out back window in alarm to see DET. MOORE snooping
through her box of recycled newspapers as DET. BRADFORD noses
around her station wagon.

MISTY
I'm stoodup! I'll kill that bastard!

MOM
Don't say words unless you mean them,
Misty.
(Starts fixing
breakfast)

COPS bang loudly on door. MOM jumps.

MISTY
It's him!

MOM
No, honey, it's the police.
(Opens back door)
Hello, officers.

Subtitle appears "7:10am" and then fades out.

DET. BRADFORD
Good morning, Mrs. Sutphin.

MISTY
(Subtly unbuttoning
her blouse one button)
Hi, Detective Moore.

DET. MOORE
(Embarrassed)
Morning, Misty.
(All business)
Mrs. Sutphin, I presume you heard of
the death of Mr. Stubbins.

MOM
A fine man. A good teacher...

DET. BRADFORD
(Reading from notes)
Contusions... fractures... rupture
of numerous vital organs...

MOM
(In sympathy)
What a mess.

MOM sees SCOTTY pull up in driveway with BIRDIE in his
convertible.

MOM
(Seeing MISTY's eyes
light up at hearing
a car)
No, honey, it's just Scotty.
(To COPS)
Scotty, who doesn't wear his
seatbelts!

DAD and CHIP enter kitchen as BIRDIE and SCOTTY barge in
back door.

DAD
Good morning, Detectives.

BIRDIE
(Dramatically)
Nightmare on Calverton Court!

SCOTTY
The Maryland Teacher Massacre!

DET. MOORE
That's not funny, son.

DET. BRADFORD
Did you drive your car to the PTA
meeting yesterday, Mrs. Sutphin?

MOM
(Buttering toast)
Yes, I did.

DAD
(To cops, getting
angry)
Detectives, what is this about?

DET. MOORE
I know this sounds weird, Mr. Sutphin,
but the Department of Motor Vehicle's
computer shows only one blue station
wagon registered to a parent of any
of Mr. Stubbins' pupils.

DAD
Surely you don't think Beverly was
involved!

SCOTTY
(Hamming it up,
pointing to MOM)
SHE DID IT! Aimed the car right at
Mr. Stubbins and mowed him down!

MOM
(Quickly staring
daggers at SCOTTY
before patiently
addressing COPS)
From what I understand, the eye-
witness is a drug user.

MISTY
I got somebody you could run over,
Mother!

DAD
Misty, that's a terrible thing to
say!
(Putting his arm
protectively around
MOM)
Detectives, it's time for you to
leave. My wife knows nothing about
this terrible... accident.

MOM
(Correcting him)
Murder, honey.

SCOTTY
(Picking up a "People"
magazine with Ivana
Trump on the cover)
Now, here's a babe!

COPS see magazine cover with the "P" in "People" cut out as
in threatening note sent to Mrs. Ackerman.

DET. MOORE
(Suspiciously)
Let's see that, young man.

MISTY
(Whispering to BIRDIE
as she ogles him
from behind)
Nice buns!

DET. BRADFORD
"P" as in...

MOM
(Glaring at SCOTTY)
...People who don't mind their own
business.

DAD looks at MOM suddenly, for the first time showing slight
suspicion.

MOM
(To DAD)
It's Mrs. Ackerman's magazine, honey.
(To COPS)
Look at the subscription label if
you don't believe me.
(Proudly)
I recycle my magazines.

Wipe to EXTERIOR MRS. ACKERMAN'S HOUSE.

MRS. ACKERMAN is dumping all her bottles and newspapers into
the rest of her garbage without the slightest thought of
recycling. Subtitle appears "10:06am" and fades out.

Cut to GUS and SLOPPY, two Baltimore County sanitation workers
as they pick up bags of neighbors' recycled trash and scowl
in hatred at the environmentally incorrect MRS. ACKERMAN.

INTERIOR SUTPHIN KITCHEN.

MOM, now alone, is happily separating her cans and plastic
trash into proper recycle bins as she rocks out singing along
with the Barry Manilow record "Daybreak" that spins on her
high-fi set.

MOM
(Singing and dancing
in place as soulfully
as possible for her)
"It's Daybreak" If you want to believe
It can be Daybreak!..."

MOM looks out through her kitchen window and sees MRS.
ACKERMAN dumping styrofoam packing chips in with the rest of
her un-recycled garbage. Freezing in horror, MOM then lunges
for MRS. ACKERMAN's gleaming sewing scissors in borrowed
sewing basket and begins to run out door.

Suddenly MOM sees the friendly GARBAGEMEN waving to her from
truck. She quickly puts back the scissors, grabs her recycle
bags, locates two "miniatures" of liquor hidden in kitchen
cabinet and runs out back door.

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

MRS. ACKERMAN goes back inside her house as MOM charges out
to meet GARBAGEMEN with her recyclables.

MOM
Don't forget me, boys!
(Holding up blue bags)
All rinsed and ready to recycle!

GUS
Morning, Mrs. Sutphin.

MOM
Morning, Gus. Hello, Sloppy.
(Sneakily handing
them miniatures)
Here you go. You work hard for the
environment. A little drink never
hurt anybody.

SLOPPY
Thanks, ma'am.
(Takes a big swig)
Damn! Good stuff.
(Looking at MRS.
ACKERMAN's garbage)
Do you believe that goddamn
litterbugger?

MOM
(Fingering a tin can)
I've told her! It takes ninety to
one hundred years for a tin can to
decompose but she still won't recycle.

GUS
(Also taking a guzzle)
Cost taxpayers millions of dollars
last year but she don't care about
the national budget!

MOM
(Deadly serious)
I HATE Mrs. Ackerman.

"Mom's Psycho Theme" begins building on soundtrack.

GUS
(Drinking, encouraging
her)
I hate her too.

SLOPPY
(Getting tipsy, joining
the bull session)
I HATE HER GUTS!
(Egging MOM on,
laughing)
Somebody ought to kill her!

GUS
(Joking and drinking)
Yeah, hack her up and recycle her!

MOM
(Not kidding, in a
trance)
For the sake of this planet, SOMEBODY
JUST MIGHT!

"Mom's Psycho Theme" climaxes on soundtrack.

INTERIOR ROSEMARY ACKERMAN'S HOUSE.

MRS. ACKERMAN is serving brunch to DOTTIE HINKLE as they
drink beer together and watch "The Joan Rivers Show" on TV
as JOAN interviews a fat woman in her 20's.

JOAN
(On TV)
...But your boyfriend was convicted
of killing twelve people

HAG
I don't judge him.

TV audience groans.

JOAN
How can you love a mass-murderer?

HAG
Easy! He's handsome. He's famous.
AND WE GET CONJUGAL VISITS!

JOAN
(To camera)
SERIAL HAGS! Woman Who Love Men Who
Mutilate! We'll be right back after
this!

DOTTIE
Turn it off.

MRS. ACKERMAN does.

MRS. ACKERMAN
Violence is everywhere these days

EXTERIOR MRS. ACKERMAN'S HOUSE.

MOM runs up to window in a frenzy and freezes at the sight
of DOTTIE HINKLE inside.

INTERIOR MRS. ACKERMAN'S HOUSE.

DOTTIE looks over and sees MOM in window and screams.

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Looking up)
Oh, it's just Beverly.

DOTTIE
She scared me.

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Going to door)
Come in, Beverly. Have some coffee

MOM
(Entering, back to
normal, being so-o-o-
o nice)
Just a half-a-cup.
(To DOTTIE)
Hello, Dottie. I'm so sorry to hear
of your troubles...

DOTTIE
It's not fair!!

MOM
(To MRS. ACKERMAN,
noticing her flower
arrangement)
Are those pussy-willows?

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Fixing the coffee)
Dried ones. Aren't they pretty?

DOTTIE freezes in horror when she recognizes the P-word in
MOM's voice.

DOTTIE
(Alarmed)
What did you just say?

MOM
(Evily baiting DOTTIE
under her breath)
PUSSY-willows, Dottie!

MOM purposely knocks MRS. ACKERMAN's Franklin Mint Faberge
Egg off table and sends it crashing to the floor.

MOM
Dottie! Watch what you're doing!

DOTTIE
(Horrified to see MOM
is blaming her)
I didn't do it!

ROSEMARY
(Crying out, rushing
to pick up pieces)
My Franklin Mint Faberge Egg!

MOM
(Helping MRS. ACKERMAN)
Dottie didn't mean to be a clumsy
ox. She's sorry, Aren't you, Dottie?

DOTTIE
(Pleading)
Rosemary, I didn't break your egg -
she did!

MRS. ACKERMAN
You could at least apologize, Dottie.
I collect Franklin Mint!

MOM
And we're going right to the flea
market to get another one! Misty
tells me there's a whole booth of
Franklin Mint stuff. Dottie, you
lock up.
(Evilly)
I'll take care of poor Rosemary!

DOTTIE
(Stammering in fear
to MRS. ACKERMAN)
But... but... she... Rosemary, I
heard her voice! It's her, I tell
you, IT'S HER!

INTERIOR DAD'S DENTAL EXAMINATION ROOM.

DAD attempts to do dental work on RALPH STERNER, the
"emergency" patient who lets out a blood curdling scream
every time DAD gets the drill anywhere near his mouth.

DAD
Mr. Sterner, you've lost a tiny
filling. I have to drill deeply enough
to remove all the decay.

MR. STERNER
(Whimpering)
Alright... go ahead... but be careful,
it really hurts!
(Opens mouth)

DAD begins to drill again.

MR. STERNER
OWWWWW'! Goddamn you! You're hurting
me on purpose!

DENTAL WAITING ROOM.

MRS. STERNER, reading an old issue of Newsweek, with Jeffrey
Dahmer on the cover, jumps up and runs to her husband past
the RECEPTIONIST.

INTERIOR DAD'S EXAMINATION ROOM.

MRS. STERNER
(Running in)
Are you ok, Ralph?

DAD
Mrs. Sterner, please stay in the
waiting room!

MR. STERNER
Help me, Betty! He's worse than the
dentist in "The Marathon Man"!

RECEPTIONIST
(Poking her head in)
Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Sutphin, but
there's two police detectives here
to see you...

INTERIOR DAD'S TINY OFFICE.

DET. MOORE and DET. BRADFORD wait grim-faced in the office.
Subtitle appears "10:35am" and fades out.

DAD
(Entering)
What is it, officers? My patient is
waiting.

DET. MOORE
Dr. Sutphin is your wife a big reader?

DAD
Bird books mostly...

DET. BRADFORD
Like these we found in her garbage?
(Showing him the book)
"Urge To Kill". "Mass Murder in
Houston"?

DAD
I'm sure those are my son, Chip's
books.

DET. MOORE
No, they're your wife's. We checked,
She bought them down at "The Browse
and Learn Bookshop" along with a few
other titles...

DET. BRADFORD
(Reading from notes)
"Helter Skelter", "Hunting Humans",
Master Card reference number 7876.
Dated June 5th.

DAD
(Seeing their
suspicions of MOM
are serious)
THIS IS RIDICULOUS!!

DET. BRADFORD
Dr. Sutphin, is you wife mental?

OUTDOOR FLEA MARKET. EDMONSON DRIVE-IN THEATER.

Cut to MOM's face, seemingly in the middle of a frenzy as
she jumps around like a crazy person. Camera pulls back and
we see that she is swatting away a persistent bee as she
sits with MISTY at her flea market table.

Subtitle appears "11:20am" and then disappears.

MOM
Damn these yellow-jackets! I hate
'em!

MISTY
(Angrily)
Always something isn't it?
(To CUSTOMER)
Can I help you?

CUSTOMER
Just looking.
(Walks away)

MISTY
Thanks for not buying anything!

MOM
Misty, lighten up. It's not the
customer's fault Carl stood you up!

MOM looks over two rows and sees CARL walking through the
flea market with a SEXPOT DATE. Her face turns to stone but
she doesn't let on to MISTY.

Cut to MRS. ACKERMAN shopping passionately at the nearby
Franklin Mint booth.

MRS. ACKERMAN
(To VENDOR)
Young man, this Faberge Egg is
chipped.

VENDOR
Yes, ma'am, it is.

MRS. ACKERMAN
I'll give you fifty cents.

VENDOR
That's a Franklin Mint piece. Eight
dollars.

MRS. ACKERMAN
Eight dollars?! Franklin Mint or
not, it's damaged goods!
(Puts it back)

MRS. ACKERMAN bends over grumbling and sees a fire poker
marked with a price tag of $6.00. Sneakily she switches price
tag of $3.00 from another item.

MRS. ACKERMAN
I'll take this instead.

VENDOR
Nice one, huh? Winter's coming.
(Looking at price
momentarily hesitating)
Three dollars?... I guess that's
what I marked it...

MRS. ACKERMAN smirks and pays him.

MRS. ACKERMAN comes back to MISTY's booth carrying fire poker.

MOM
(Seeing MRS. ACKERMAN1s
purchase, but still
watching CARL and
SEXPOT DATE in
distance)
Did you find your Franklin Mint egg,
Rosemary darling?

MRS. ACKERMAN
I saw one, but it was ridiculously
overpriced!

MOM
(Seeing MRS. ACKERMAN's
fire poker)
You want me to keep that under the
table for you?

MRS. ACKERMAN
If you wouldn't mind...
(Gives it to her)
It was on sale.

Cut to CARL browsing at same Franklin Mint booth that MRS.
ACKERMAN was shopping in earlier. SEXPOT DATE is drooling
over chipped Faberge Egg and batting her eyes at CARL.

SEXPOT DATE
(In baby talk)
Honey, pleeease? For my little knick-
knack shelf?

CARL
(To VENDOR)
Wrap it up for the little lady.

Cut to MOM with the fire poker partially concealed under her
coat as she stalks CARL and SEXPOT DATE to baseball
memorabilia booth. MOM pretends to shop nearby as CARL buys
Oriole pennant for himself.

MOM follows them to concession stand where CARL excuses
himself for a quick trip to the men's room. SEXPOT DATE
adjusts her cleavage as she waits, much to the embarrassment
of YOUNG BOY walking by.

Realizing the coast is clear, MOM darts into men's room
following CARL.

INTERIOR MEN'S ROOM.

CARL is at urinal. Subtitle appears "11:57am" and fades out.
MOM rushes in unnoticed and tries to enter first booth and
finds it locked. She scurries to next booth and enters.

A male PERVERT in locked booth is drawing dirty pictures on
the wall. He looks down and sees MOM's shoes under the stall
and starts moaning sexually as he writes "EAT ME" with a
magic marker.

Closeup of CARL's face as he pisses like a racehorse.

PERVERT looks through peep-hole between booths and sees MOM
and moans in silent orgasm.

MOM pulls fire poker out from under her coat.

PERVERT zips up in a panic and flees bathroom in fear.

Suddenly MOM runs from her booth with fire poker drawn and
skewers CARL in the back at the urinal.

CARL screams in horror as MOM pulls out fire poker with his
liver skewered on the end.

CARL collapses to his knees, his head landing in urinal.

MOM looks horrified at the liver and tries to shake it off
poker, panicked that someone will come into men's room.

Closing her eyes in revulsion, she pulls off liver with her
fingertips and throws it on floor.

Running from men's room, she slips in gore, catches her
balance, looks back at CARL's head in urinal, hesitates and
finally runs back to flush toilet before escaping undetected.

MISTY'S FLEA MARKET TABLE.

A hip young couple are buying a hideous amateur oil painting
of Don Knotts from MISTY.

BOY
I can't believe it! Fuckin' Don
Knotts!

GIRL
(Happily)
It's beyond ugly!

MISTY
(Giving them back
change)
There you go...

Cut to MOM approaching, looking happy and composed with fire
poker concealed under her coat.

MOM
(Calling out)
Misty, honey, look!
(Holding up a set of
cereal bowls)
I made a killing!

INTERIOR MEN'S ROOM.

A MACHO MAN enters nibbling lamb off a shishkabob. He sees
CARL's body and screams in the best Fay Ray tradition.
Subtitle appears "l2:llpm" and then fades out.

MISTY'S FLEA MARKET TABLE.

MOM is showing MISTY her new cereal bowl as MRS. ACKERMAN
returns.

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Upset)
I went back to get my Faberge Egg
and some idiot bought it!

Sirens are heard in the distance.

MOM
(Caressing fire poker
back under table,
threateningly)
It's just not your day, is it
Rosemary?

MISTY
(Seeing cop cars and
ambulance enter flea
market as customers
start running towards
concession stand)
Watch the booth! I'll be back!
(Runs off to join the
crowd)

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Spotting a small
hunk of gore stuck
to bottom of MOM's
shoe)
Beverly, honey, you've got some...
(Wrinkles up her nose)
...do-do on your shoe.

MOM
Ewwww!
(Wipes it off on grass)
Thank you, Rosemary.

MRS. ACKERMAN notices stain with odd unease.

EXTERIOR CONCESSION STAND.

COPS are holding back CARL'S sobbing and hysterical SEXPOT
DATE as she clutches her Faberge Egg while PARAMEDICS remove
CARL'S body from the mens room on a stretcher.

DET. MOORE and BRADFORD are roughly frisking bathroom PERVERT.

PERVERT
There was a lady in the men's room!
I swear! A pretty little lady in the
stall right next to me!

MISTY pushes her way through rubbernecking crowd until she
finally sees CARL'S face right before the PARAMEDICS give
the final zip to the body bag. She lets out a blood-curdling
scream.

DET. BRADFORD looks up into MISTY's horror filled face and
turns in suspicion to DET. MOORE only to see his partner
making eyes with SEXPOT DATE, who in between sobs, is flirting
back with all her might.

MISTY'S BOOTH.

MRS. ACKERMAN is looking in revulsion at what appears to be
dried blood on the end of her fire-poker stored under the
flea market table as MOM happily sells Pee-Wee Herman doll
to New York dealer.

MOM
That's one-hundred fifty-eight
dollars.

DEALER
Will you take a New York check?

MOM
Certainly.

MRS. ACKERMAN reaches down and touches the end of fire poker
and almost faints when she sees red on her fingertips.

MISTY hysterically returns to booth, crying and screaming.

MISTY
Mother! It's Carl! He's dead!

MRS. ACKERMAN looks in sudden fear at MOM.

MOM
0h, that's horrible, honey.
(Suddenly cheerful)
I sold the Pee-Wee Herman doll!!

MISTY
(Appalled)
Mother! Did you hear me?! Someone
murdered Carl in the mensroom! I saw
his dead body!

MOM
(Quietly, sweetly)
You got your wish.

MISTY
(Stunned)
But...
(Backs away)
I didn't wish... I didn't want him
DEAD!

MRS. ACKERMAN gulps in horror.

INTERIOR MOM'S BEDROOM.

DAD is frantically searching through MOM's stuff and finds a
scrapbook which is filled page after page with newspaper
clippings about famous mass murderers. He gasps in horror
and then looks between mattress and box-springs and finds a
stack of letters and a few cassette tapes. He looks in shock
at return address of first letter - "Richard Speck,
Statesville Correctional Center, Joliet, Illinois 60434". He
tears open envelope and out falls an 8xl0 glossy photo of a
naked Richard Speck with the inscription "To Beverly. Love,
Richard Speck". Shaking his head in horror, DAD puts cassette
in tape player and pushes play button. The voice on the tape
booms out in bedroom, "Beverly, it's me, Ted Bundy. It's
late at night six days before my execution and it's lonely
here on death row..." DAD lunges for machine to push OFF
button and accidentally turns on the radio.

NEWS ANNOUNCER
...Updating the top story of the
hour, the young man brutally murdered
a short time ago in the mens room of
the Edmonson Flea Market has been
identified as 22 year old Carl Padgett
of Towson...

DAD slams down OFF button on radio and sobs in shock.

INTERIOR "SUBURBAN CULT VIDEO SHOP".

CHIP on duty as manager, along with BIRDIE and SCOTTY and a
few other horror-nut customers watch on large video monitor
Joan Crawford get off a train in William Castle's "Straight
Jacket". The suspense builds as Joan on video spies through
a window at her husband with another woman, picks up an ax
and cuts off his head. Suddenly MISTY runs into video shop
in hysterics.

MISTY
Chip! Our mother is Charles Manson!

All the kids laugh uproariously as Joan screams on video
"I'm not guilty" while struggling in a straight jacket.

MISTY
(Grabbing the remote
and turning off the
video)
(To CHIP)
I'm not kidding. Carl stood me up
this morning and then he was murdered
at the flea market....

CHIP
MURDERED?!!

MISTY
Yes murdered! You said you hated
your teacher yesterday and he was
murdered too. I don't know... maybe
Mom's nuts!

CHIP
It's a cool idea, Misty! Let's make
a gore movie about Mom! Better yet,
a TV series!

BIRDIE
Can I borrow your mother? My aunt is
coming over to dinner tonight and
she's always on my nerves.

KID
My step-father is an asshole! She
could kill him!

CHIP
(Baiting MISTY)
How about Mrs. Ackerman? We both
hate her!
(Playfully)
Should she be the next victim?

MISTY
No! Stop it! It's not funny. Mom
might do it!
(Sobbing)
Someone else might die.

SCOTTY
(Comforting her)
I believe you, Misty. Your mother
could kill - I've seen that look in
her eyes!
(Timidly)
Is there a reward or anything?

DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR SUTPHIN DINING ROOM.

MOM comes through kitchen door and serves a fancy tuna
casserole.

MOM
Dinner's served!

Subtitle appears "6:01pm" and then fades out.

MISTY looks at her mother in terror. DAD treats MOM with kid
gloves. CHIP is completely oblivious to their concern.

DAD
Let's say grace and pray that we
have the strength to understand the
terrible tragedies of the last few
days.

MOM
Amen to that.
(Happily)
It's been a crazy day, hasn't it?!

MISTY pales, DAD looks at MOM in fear.

MRS. ACKERMAN'S LIVING ROOM.

DET. MOORE and several other COPS are taking down every word
MRS. ACKERMAN says in notebooks and on tape recorders.

MRS. ACKERMAN
...Dottie Hinkle was right - IT IS
BEVERLY SUTPHIN! I tell you I saw
blood right on the bottom of her
shoes! Not exactly blood - it was
GORE! Hanging right there like a
runny nose!!

INTERIOR DOTTIE HINKLE'S LIVING ROOM.

DET. BRADFORD and several other POLICE OFFICERS are taking
her statement and trying to calm her down,

DOTTIE
Nice as pie she was to me and then I
hear her say it!

DET. BRADFORD
Say what, ma'am?

DOTTIE
"Are those..."
(Giving up)
I can't say the word out loud.

DET. BRADFORD
(Trying to comfort
her)
Could you tell a policewoman the
exact words she used?

DOTTIE
(Being pitiful)
Maybe...

A huge galute of a POLICEWOMAN sits next to DOTTIE and pats
her hand.

POLICEWOMAN
It's ok... nobody's gonna hurt you.
(Whispering)
Come on, let it out...

DOTTIE
(Yelling loudly,
startling all the
cops in the room)
"PUSSY" she says to me! "PUSSY
WILLOWS!"

INTERIOR SUTPHIN DINING ROOM.

The family is eating in uneasy silence.

CHIP
(Excited, happy)
You know Mom, Scotty thinks you're
the killer!

MISTY chokes on her food, DAD laughs unconvincingly.

MOM
(Laughs)
Does he?
(Smiling to CHIP)
For a boy who doesn't wear seat belts,
Scotty's awfully nosy.
(Getting up)
Excuse me a second.
(Exits into kitchen)

The whole family sits in awkward silence.

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

ROOKIE COP sits in cop car on surveillance duty watching the
Sutphin house in eery silence.

SUTPHIN DINING ROOM.

Family is squirming in their seats in nervous silence. MISTY
suddenly bolts from table and runs towards kitchen.

SUTPHIN KITCHEN.

MISTY runs in. No one is there. On blackboard, written in
chalk is "WENT TO THE 7-11, MOM".

MISTY
She's gone!

CHIP and DAD rush in.

MISTY
(Blurting it out)
She's gonna kill Scotty!

DAD
(No longer pretending)
BOTH OF YOU! GET IN THE CAR!

CHIP
(Horrified)
DAD! YOU DON'T THINK SHE DID IT??!

MISTY
I DO! Mom's gone crazy!

DAD
(To CHIP)
Your mother may have some problems,
that's all, Chip.
(To both)
C'mon! Hurry!

EXTERIOR SUTPHINS.

MOM peels out in her station wagon like a bat out of hell.

ROOKIE COP looks up in shock, clumsily throws the car in
gear and takes off behind her. Subtitle appears "6:36pm" and
then fades out.

INTERIOR MOM'S STATION WAGON.

MOM is driving like a lunatic. She sees the red light of
pursuing police car in rear-view mirror and floors it as she
hits play button of tape deck in car and begins singing along
loudly and scarily to her favorite song, Barry Manilow's
"Daybreak",

MOM
"...Ain't no time to grieve And it's
Daybreak!!! Let it shine, shine,
shine, All around the world!!"

INTERIOR COP CAR.

ROOKIE COP is sweating bullets speeding after MOM's car and
grabs police radio.

ROOKIE
MAY DAY!! MAY DAY!!

INTERIOR MOM'S CAR.

MOM is "dancing" in place and gyrating to the beat as she
belts out the finale of "Daybreak" and suddenly turns the
steering wheel violently to the right.

EXTERIOR MRS. HINKLE'S HOUSE.

MOM's car veers across lawn and flattens Mrs. Hinkle's entire
flower garden as she plows her way back to street.

DET. BRADFORD comes running out of house and jumps out of
way as ROOKIE COP's car skids around corner and smashes into
Mrs. Ackerman's wishing well decoration in her front yard.

DOTTIE HINKLE is held back by burly POLICEWOMAN on porch as
she curses MOM in the distance.

DOTTIE
You rotten mother-fucker! You lousy
cock-sucker!

INTERIOR DAD'S CAR.

DAD is at the wheel driving with MISTY in front and CHIP in
the back.

MISTY
(To DAD)
Turn right on Timonioum Road. Hurry,
Dad!

CHIP
(Scared for the first
time)
If Mom's a psycho, Scotty will still
be ok, won't he?

DAD
We hope so, son. And no matter what
your mother is, we'll love her anyway.

INTERIOR DETECTIVE MOORE'S CAR.

DET. MOORE
(Following the
Sutphins, into police
radio mike)
Suspect's family is headed east on
Calverton....

INTERIOR MOM'S CAR.

MOM turns off tape player and pulls to a stop on a quiet
suburban street. She fixes her hair in rear view mirror,
smiles, then takes out rubber dish-washing gloves and slips
them on her hands.

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S BEDROOM AT HIS PARENTS' HOUSE.

SCOTTY lies in bed, surrounded by vintage sexploitation movie
posters that decorate his walls ("Garden of Eden", "Mud-
Honey", "There She Blows"), and watches on video the
ridiculous 70's trash film "Double-Agent '73" starring Chesty
Morgan.

In the credit sequence he sees Miss Morgan "photographing"
men with her humongous breasts that supposedly have cameras
implanted inside. SCOTTY is getting turned on. He runs to
lock bedroom door, closes curtain on window and then hops
under a blanket to commit the sin of self-abuse.

EXTERIOR SCOTTY'S PARENTS' HOUSE.

DAD, MISTY and CHIP pull up, run to front door and pound on
it.

DETECTIVE MOORE pulls up at a safe distance behind them and
watches from police car. Subtitle appears "7:01pm" and
disappears.

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S BEDROOM.

SCOTTY is watching Chesty Morgan on video roll about in
hideous hot pants and insane 1970's platform shoes as he
concentrates on her gigantic breasts and touches himself off
camera. He hears banging at door, curses whoever it is, and
decides to ignore them.

EXTERIOR SCOTTY'S PARENTS' HOUSE.

DAD jiggles the door unsuccessfully until CHIP slithers
through an open window and lets MISTY and DAD inside.

INTERIOR DETECTIVE MOORE'S POLICE CAR.

DET. BRADFORD
(into police radio
mike)
Suspect's family is entering house.
Send backup to 2l14 Sycamore Street.
I've got a feeling old Mom's inside.
I'm goin' in!

Heroic music blares on soundtrack as he leaps from car and
pulls gun. Subtitle appears "7:24pm" and then fades out.

CUT to MOM staring evilly through plate glass window from
outside a suburban house.

Reverse angle shows not Scotty, but the dental emergency
couple, THE STERNERS, as they sit in their dining room eating
a dinner of cornish game hens.

MOM zeros in on the game hens and flashes back to "Dede" and
the other cute birds in her bird-feeder at home.

As the couple viciously slice apart the game hens and stuff
the meat in their mouths, MOM breaks a small pane of glass
in back door to gain entry.

MRS. STERNER
What was that?

MR. STERNER
I didn't hear anything. Got any
dessert?

MRS. STERNER
Dr. Sutphin said no sweets for you.

MR. STERNER
What's he know?

MRS. STERNER
How to send a bill!!

They both laugh uproariously at her bad joke.

STERNER KITCHEN.

MOM is listening in disgust, notices a limp plant, waters it
thoughtfully and then jumps out of the way to hide as MRS.
STERNER comes into kitchen to get a large chocolate pie.

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S BEDROOM.

SCOTTY has the whole bed vibrating noisily as he watches
Chesty Morgan on video in hideous green plaid bell bottoms
as she "photographs" evidence with her breasts.

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S PARENTS' HOUSE. HALLWAY.

DAD, MISTY and CHIP creep up the steps towards SCOTTY's
bedroom.

EXTERIOR SCOTTY'S PARENTS' HOUSE.

DET. BRADFORD signals the newly arrived DET. MOORE and a
small swat team in battle gear to follow him quietly to
Scotty's front door.

INTERIOR STERNER'S DINING ROOM.

MR. STERNER cuts himself a second piece of chocolate pie and
pigs it down.

INTERIOR STERNER'S BEDROOM.

MRS. STERNER
(Yelling downstairs)
Ralph, "Wheel of Fortune"'s on!!

As MRS. STERNER continues to watch TV we see her get ready
for bed.

We see her change from her shoes to bedroom slippers from
under the bed.

We see her brush her hair from behind the mirror.

We see her open her drawer and take out birth-control foam
from inside the bureau.

We see her go to closed curtains moving ominously in the
breeze and close the window from the other side.

MRS. STERNER
(Calling out)
Ralph, you're missing it!

MRS. STERNER takes off her dress to reveal monstrous white
all-in-one bra and girdle and moves to closet door.

She opens closet door and hesitates.

We see shoe in bottom of closet move slightly.

Suddenly a mouse scurries out of shoe and runs across floor
as MRS. STERNER screams,

STERNER DINING ROOM.

MR. STERNER
(As chocolate oozes
in his mouth)
What is it, Betty?

STERNER BEDROOM.

MRS. STERNER
(Still shaking)
We have mice! I mean it, Ralph! I
saw one!

MRS. STERNER reaches for nightgown and pulls it off hanger
to reveal MOM's insane face. Suddenly MOM stabs MRS. STERNER
viciously in the stomach with MRS. ACKERMAN's scissors.

MOM
(Scarily)
Always brush after every meal!

MRS. STERNER opens her mouth in a silent scream as MOM pulls
out the scissors and stabs her again and again as a large
rat in the closet runs out and begins biting MRS. STERNER's
ankle at the same time.

STERNER DINING ROOM.

MR. STERNER burps in front of empty plate and hears loud
thud from upstairs. He gets up from table.

MR. STERNER
(Calling upstairs)
Betty?

STERNER BEDROOM.

MRS. STERNER is dead on the floor with scissors sticking out
of her as MOM attempts to clean up the blood with the
household product, "SHOUT".

HALLWAY STERNER HOUSE.

MR. STERNER runs up stairs, suddenly alarmed.

MR. STERNER
Betty? Betty, answer me!

STERNER BEDROOM.

MOM looks up from cleaning and smiles as MR. STERNER runs
in, sees the grisly sight and screams in horror.

MOM
(Holding up bottle of
"SHOUT" and doing
mock TV-ad)
"SHOUT IT OUT".

MOM suddenly pulls scissors out of MRS. STERNER's stomach
and expertly throws them like a knife at MR. STERNER's head.
He ducks in the nick of time and the scissors stick in the
wall.

MR. STERNER turns and runs in fear as MOM gives chase,
grabbing the scissors out of the wall.

HALLWAY. STERNER HOUSE.

MR. STERNER runs down the steps screaming as MOM runs after
him. She throws the scissors at him again, but just misses
him.

Thinking fast, MR. STERNER grabs scissors from wall and throws
them back at MOM. She ducks in the nick of time and her face
goes purple with rage.

MOM
You'll pay for that, Ralph Sterner!!

As MR. STERNER runs to back door, MOM charges back up the
steps to bedroom.

STERNER BEDROOM.

MOM rushes in and watches MR. STERNER from above from bedroom
window as he runs out of house.

STERNER LAWN.

MR. STERNER runs across lawn screaming.

MR. STERNER
Help! POLICE!!

STERNER BEDROOM.

MOM is rocking air conditioner in window back and forth until
she gets it loose. Seeing him right below, MOM shoves it out
window with all her might.

STERNER LAWN.

MR. STERNER looks up at air conditioner falling from above
and screams the second before he is crushed like an insect.

SCOTTY'S BEDROOM.

SCOTTY is moaning in orgasm as he watches ludicrous Chesty
Morgan "Secret Agent" breast footage on video screen.

OUTSIDE SCOTTY'S BEDROOM DOOR.

DAD, MISTY and CHIP look at one another in horror thinking
SCOTTY's moans are cries of pain and they break down his
door to save him.

SCOTTY'S BEDROOM.

SCOTTY stares in complete mortification as the Sutphin family
catch him in the middle of an orgasm.

When DETECTIVES MOORE and BRADFORD and their ridiculously
overprepared SWAT TEAM flood the bedroom, screaming "FREEZE"
and "HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD", SCOTTY fumes in anger as MISTY
and CHIP giggle in relief and DAD turns red in embarrassment.

Wipe to EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

DAD's car pulls up and the relieved Sutphin family hops out
and runs to house. Subtitle appears "9:02pm" and fades out.

DAD
Home Sweet Home! Everything's fine,
kids!

MISTY
(Laughing)
I can't believe I thought my own
mother was a murderess!

CHIP
I'm disappointed she isn't!
(In wonder)
For a while there, it was like being
in a movie!

SUTPHIN DINING ROOM.

MOM is seated happily at table. DAD, MISTY and CHIP enter.

MOM
(Beaming happily)
Anybody for dessert? M-m-m-m-m,
strawberries!

Fade to black.

Fade in to ST. TIMOTHY'S EPISCOPAL CHURCH.

Sign out front announces the service: "11:00am. Holy Eucharist
Service. Sermon: 'Capitol Punishment and You'". Families
stream into church. Subtitle appears "10:37am, Sunday
September 20th" and fades out.

EXTERIOR SUTPHIN HOUSE.

MOM, DAD, CHIP and MISTY walk out front door dressed in their
Sunday finest. Suddenly their wholesome smiles freeze on
their faces.

Cop cars are everywhere watching MOM's every move. DETECTIVES
MOORE and BRADFORD smile hatefully at MOM, pressuring her
with their high-visibility surveillance.

The family nervously gets in their car and DAD turns the
ignition.

Cop after cop after cop start up their engines.

As DAD pulls out of the driveway in his car the cops file
into a procession of intimidation behind him.

INTERIOR DET. MOORE AND DET. BRADFORDS' CAR.

DET. BRADFORD
(Talking into police
radio)
...Sutphin family proceeding west on
Seminary Avenue. Beverly ain't goin'
nowhere this time.

INTERIOR SUTPHIN CAR.

MISTY
(Scared)
Dad, I thought it was ok. Make them
go away. This is embarrassing.

DAD
Just ignore the police. It's all a
terrible mistake.

He turns on radio to music.

CHIP
Think we'll get on "A CURRENT AFFAIR"?

INTERIOR DET. MOORE AND BRADFORD'S CAR.

DET. MOORE
She's headed for church.

DET. BRADFORD
(To police dispatcher
on radio)
I say we nail her!

DISPATCHER
(On radio)
Negative. D.A. says no bust until
lab report is back matching suspect's
fingerprints on true-crime book with
those on scissors and fire poker.

DET. BRADFORD
(To DET. MOORE)
She may be Beaver Cleaver's mother...
but Jim Jones and the entire People's
Temple just fucked her!

INTERIOR SUTPHIN CAR.

MISTY, CHIP and DAD listen in appalled silence to news report
on radio as MOM seems unfazed.

ANNOUNCER
...the senseless killing last night
of Towson couple, Ralph and Betty
Sterner, brings to a total of four
murders police feel may have been
committed by Baltimore's first serial
killer...

DAD looks at MOM in stunned disbelief.

DAD
Beverly! Not the Sterners!

MOM
(Calmly)
It's a shame. But they should brush
their teeth, honey.

ANNOUNCER
(On radio)
This just came in. Police Lieutenant
Ronald Habbler has publicly named a
suspect in the serial killer case
and it's a shocker! She, that's right,
she has been identified as Beverly
R. Sutphin of 2815 Calverton Court...

MISTY
Oh God!
(In despair)
Now I'll never get a boyfriend!

DAD
(Nervously)
Beverly, I've been reading all about
it... is it menopause?

MOM
Oh, honey!

CHIP
Tell me the truth, Mom! It's ok with
me, really! Are you a serial killer?

MOM
Chip, the only cereal I know about
is Rice Krispies.

Sutphin car pulls to a stop at a red light next to car full
of churchgoers. MOM turns to smile at them and all the
churchgoers scream in horror at the sight of her face.

DAD
(Lovingly, painfully)
Don't worry, Beverly. We're going to
get you good psychiatric help.

EXTERIOR ST. TIMOTHY'S EPISCOPAL CHURCH.

MRS. ACKERMAN and MRS. HINKLE look up in amazement as they
see the Sutphins pull into church parking lot followed by
string of police cars.

The Sutphins nervously get out of car and walk towards church
as the good Christian families glare at them and gossip with
a vengeance.

DAD tries to be brave, MISTY hangs her head in mortification,
CHIP is excited by all the attention and MOM smiles happily
to appalled worshippers.

GUS and SLOPPY, the two garbagemen, dressed in their shabby
church clothes wave to MOM in secret admiration.

BIRDIE's eyes light up at seeing CHIP but her suddenly
forbidding parents hold her back when she tries to join him.
She mouths "I love you" to him as CHIP looks back to her
parents with hurt and confusion.

As the SUTPHIN family reaches the church door, a reporter
runs towards them with his cameras drawn.

REPORTER
(To MOM)
So, Mrs. Sutphin! Tell me! Are you
"Serial Mom"?

MOM
Who?

DAD
(Blocking his face
from strobing flash)
No comment!

CHIP
(To himself)
"Serial Mom"?
(He looks at his MOM
who is perversely
enjoying the attention)
WOW!

MISTY, who can't help but notice that the REPORTER is
strikingly handsome, gives him an obviously flirtatious smile
before DAD yanks her into church with the rest of them.

INTERIOR ST. TIMOTHY'S CHURCH.

FATHER STONE, a mild and kind looking Episcopal priest has
just begun the service.

FATHER STONE
(On altar)
Blessed be God, Father, Son and Holy
Spirit...

ALL
And blessed be His kingdom, now and
forever. Amen...

The SUTPHINS take their place in a half filled pew next to
appalled young MARRIED COUPLE as a still mortified SCOTTY
glares in hatred and vengeance from a pew in the back of the
church.

BIRDIE's face is covered in tears as she sits with her parents
helplessly.

MISTY turns in her seat and searches the hostile crowd for
the face of the cute REPORTER. When she spots him secretly
snapping her photo, she subtly gives him a sexy pose.

EXTERIOR CHURCH.

DETECTIVES MOORE and BRADFORD wait with other COPS outside
their cars as voice comes over police radio.

CAPTAIN JOHNSON
This is Captain Johnson from Homicide.
Lab reports confirm Sutphin latent
print of index finger on true-crime
book matches those latent prints
lifted from murder weapons. Bingo,
boys! Bust the bitch!

COPS smile in silent victory as they immediately spread out
and approach the church.

INTERIOR CHURCH.

FATHER STONE is giving the sermon in a kindly tone.

FATHER STONE
...Jesus said nothing to condemn
capital punishment as he hung on the
cross, did He?!

MRS. ACKERMAN and MRS. HINKLE nod in pious agreement.

FATHER STONE
...If ever there was a time to go on
record against the death penalty,
WASN'T IT THAT NIGHT?!...

DAD gulps and lovingly takes MOM's hand as MISTY and CHIP
look at one another appalled while MOM continues her defiant
smile.

FATHER STONE
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT is already the
LAW in the State of Maryland!...

DETECTIVES MOORE and BRADFORD and all the COPS begin
infiltrating the church, taking places in pews and then moving
forward to other pews closer to MOM.

SCOTTY beams at police presence and eagerly scoots over to
let DET. BRADFORD and DET. MOORE sit with him on their way
to nail MOM.

GUS and SLOPPY, the garbagemen, scowl at the police and look
with loyalty to poor MOM.

FATHER STONE
...SO WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR, FELLOW
CHRISTIANS?! LET'S JUST DO IT!!

ALL
AMEN!

FATHER STONE
Now, let us pray and humbly confess
our sins unto Almighty God.

As CONGREGATION prays along with FATHER STONE, COPS flood
the church and move towards MOM.

CONGREGATION
...Most merciful God, we confess
that we have sinned against thee...

CHIP AND MISTY
...by what we have done...

BIRDIE AND PARENTS
...and by what we have left undone...

DAD
...we are truly sorry and we humbly
repent...

MOM
(Praying piously, but
beginning to sniffle
a sneeze)
...so that we may delight in thy
will...

A BABY in the arms of a MOTHER in pew in front of MOM stares
back at MOM.

MOM
...And walk in the ways to the
glory...
(Starts to sneeze and
catches herself)
...of Thy name...

ALL
Amen!

MOM sneezes and a hunk of phlegm flies out and hits BABY
square in face.

BABY'S MOTHER screams in horror at seeing her BABY's face
and the entire congregation1 thinking she's been attacked by
MOM, dives to the floor in terror.

COPS draw guns and leap over pews as complete pandemonium
breaks out in church.

Just as DET. MOORE and DET. BRADFORD are about to grab MOM,
GUS and SLOPPY punch the COPS in the mouth and MOM runs off.

DAD looks for MOM in a panic and realizes she has vanished.

CHIP cringes in fear as hordes of COPS surround his family
until he is relieved to see that MOM has escaped.

MISTY gives "dramatic" poses of "fear" and "horror" as cute
REPORTER snaps her picture excitedly.

BIRDIE escapes her parents, runs to CHIP, embraces him and
together they take off.

FATHER STONE stares out from altar in shock as worshippers
scream and trample each other trying to get out of church as
police try to restore order.

SCOTTY, trying to be macho, fights his way towards front of
church and for a split-second sees CHIP, BIRDIE and MOM
running out back door of sacristy in escape.

SCOTTY
THERE SHE IS!!

MOM blows a quick kiss to GUS and SLOPPY who beam in happiness
at helping her escape.

EXTERIOR CHURCH PARKING LOT.

CHIP and BIRDIE are "hot-wiring" SCOTTY's car as MOM lies
hidden out of view on back seat of car.

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S CAR.

CHIP
We'll show 'em, Mom. We'll go on "60
Minutes"!

The car engine starts up.

BIRDIE
Alright
(To MOM)
You're bigger than Jason or Freddie
now!
(In wonderment)
Only you're a real person!

MOM
(Innocently)
Do you think I'll need a lawyer?

CHIP
(Putting on his seat
belt)
You need an AGENT!

CHIP peels out.

EXTERIOR CHURCH PARKING LOT.

REPORTER has chased DAD and MISTY to their car, still taking
pictures as COPS flood the area looking for MOM.

DAD
NO COMMENT! PLEASE! My wife is
missing! I'm worried sick about her!
(Gets in car)

REPORTER
Hey, Misty! Just a few more shots,
Ok? I'm Hank Hawkins from the
Baltimore Sun.

MISTY
(Flirting boldly and
posing)
Hi, Hank.

DAD
(Appalled, opening
passenger door from
inside)
MISTY SUTPHIN, GET IN THIS CAR!!

EXTERIOR "SUBURBAN CULT VIDEO" SHOP.

CHIP and BIRDIE hurry MOM from car and run to door of shop
as CHIP fumbles for his keys to open up.

INTERIOR "SUBURBAN CULT VIDEO" SHOP.

CHIP and BIRDIE hustle MOM into the shop and lead her to the
"Gore" section and open a door covered with violent video
display boxes to reveal a small closet.

CHIP
In here, Mom...

MOM
But, Chip...

CUSTOMER begins banging on door.

CHIP
Get in, Mom! I have to open.

MOM
This is so silly.
(Gets in)

CHIP closes door behind her and then inserts cassette into
VCR and pushes "Play" button. On video in shop we see
"Leatherface" in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" jump out from
behind a bush and hack up a male victim.

BIRDIE lets in the first customer of the day, a middle aged
battle-ax, MRS. JENSON.

BIRDIE
Good morning, Mrs. Jenson.

MRS. JENSON
(Scowling at video
screen where
"Leatherface" chases
a girl to house where
he "chainsaws" his
way through door as
the victim screams
in terror)
Haven't you had enough violence,
Chip Sutphin? Turn that filth off!

CHIP
(Turning it off)
Sorry, ma'am.

MRS. JENSON
Do you have the musical, "Annie"?

CHIP
(Rolling his eyes and
getting the cassette)
Sure do. Did you bring back "Ghost
Dad"?

MRS. JENSON
(Rooting in her purse
and handing CHIP the
cassette)
There you go. I love Bill Cosby
pictures.

CHIP
(Looking at cassette
in frustration)
Mrs. Jensen, I've told you. You have
to rewind the tapes before returning
them!

MRS. JENSON
(Belligerently)
Why?

CHIP
Because it's the rules!

MRS. JENSON
(Defiantly)
I don't feel like rewinding it!

MOM's face turns to stone in closet.

CHIP
(Exasperated)
You see the sign! It's a dollar fine
for not rewinding and this time I'm
gonna charge you! $2.99 plus one
dollar is $3.99!

MRS. JENSON
(Slamming money down
and grabbing video)
Keep the change, you son of a psycho!

MRS. JENSON stomps to door and slams it behind her as MOM's
face twists in rage as she listens.

BIRDIE
What a bitch!

CHIP
It's the influence of all those family
films.
(Turning to closet)
Right, Mom?
(No answer)
Hey, Mom??...
(Still no answer)

BIRDIE
(Nervously)
Mrs. Sutphin?

CHIP
Mother?
(Opens door to reveal
empty closet)

BIRDIE
0h, shit!

CHIP
You don't think...

BIRDIE
She wouldn't...

BIRDIE runs to back of shop and sees opened door to street.

CHIP
(Panicked)
What's Mrs. Jenson's address?

BIRDIE runs to files and starts going through them.

BIRDIE
...Jenner... Jenson, Emy Lou Jenson.
3511 Clark Avenue!

CHIP
That's right up the street! Come on!
Just in case!

EXTERIOR "SUBURBAN CULT VIDEO" SHOP.

CHIP and BIRDIE exit in a panic and run up the street.

Hidden behind his "borrowed" car across the street is SCOTTY
who has been watching them all along. He takes off on foot
after them.

INTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S KITCHEN.

A carving knife slices through leg-of-lamb on kitchen table.
Camera pans up to MRS. JENSON's happy face as she fixes
herself a leg-of-lamb sandwich and exits to living room.

INTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S LIVING ROOM.

MRS. JENSON kicks off her shoes, excitedly pops videocassette
into her VCR and climbs into her recliner for a relaxing
afternoon of video pleasures. She takes a big bite out of
her sandwich, twangs the remote to start the video and smiles
excitedly at hearing the overture to "Tomorrow" begin over
the credit sequence to "Annie", her favorite musical.
Subtitle appears "12:09pm" and fades out.

INTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S KITCHEN.

The door handle jiggles ominously.

INTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S LIVING ROOM.

A large DOG rises up next to MRS. JENSON.

MRS. JENSON
What is it, Sylvester, a bird? Shhhh.
Mommy's watching "Annie".

INTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S KITCHEN.

MOM looks over her shoulder to make sure no one is watching
and then slowly lets herself in kitchen door. Her eyes
immediately go to gleaming butcher knife on table.

INTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S LIVING ROOM.

The DOG growls.

MRS. JENSON
Quiet, Sylvester. Nobody's there.
Shhh... Lick Mommy's feet.
(Wiggles toes at DOG)
Come on! Get 'em all wet!
(Starts singing along
with video)
"The sun comes out Tomorrow..."

DOG growls and heads toward kitchen.

EXTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S HOUSE.

CHIP and BIRDIE stand outside looking up at house in fear.

CHIP
(To BIRDIE)
Come on!

They sneak to side of house.

Cut to SCOTTY watching them from a distance.

INTERIOR JENSON KITCHEN.

MOM is down on floor with mean DOG getting him to roll over
and "beg" for her with gusto as "Annie" soundtrack blares
from living room.

INTERIOR JENSON LIVING ROOM.

MRS. JENSON is bellowing out the lyrics to "Tomorrow" along
with the soundtrack.

MRS. JENSON
"The sun comes out Tomorrow And you've
got to Hang on to Tomorrow Come what
may..."

INTERIOR KITCHEN.

MOM grabs butcher knife.

EXTERIOR MRS. JENSON'S HOUSE.

CHIP and BIRDIE are below window to her TV room. CHIP gives
BIRDIE a leg-up so she can see inside. BIRDIE'S POV shot of
MRS. JENSON singing along.

MRS. JENSON
"Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love you
Tomorrow You're only a day away!"

GARAGE ROOF NEARBY.

SCOTTY has climbed up and has a direct view over CHIP and
BIRDIE into MRS. JENSON'S window.

INTERIOR JENSON KITCHEN.

Hand held camera follows MOM clutching knife out of the
kitchen into living room as she sneaks up on a singing MRS.
JENSON.

GARAGE ROOF.

SCOTTY looks horrified to see a figure sneaking up on MRS.
JENSON through window.

INTERIOR JENSON LIVING ROOM.

MOM changes her mind, puts down knife and goes back into
kitchen.

GARAGE ROOF.

SCOTTY sighs in relief.

EXTERIOR JENSON HOUSE.

BIRDIE gives CHIP a leg-up and he gets a glimpse of the
singing MRS. JENSON building to the finale of "Tomorrow".

MRS. JENSON
"Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I
love you..."

JENSON KITCHEN.

MOM picks up entire leg-of-lamb by the bone as her eyes light
up in homicidal glee. She leans down, kisses the DOG on the
lips, and exits back to living room.

INTERIOR JENSON LIVING ROOM.

MRS. JENSON is practically leaping our of her recliner singing
along with the finale to "Tomorrow" on the credits to "Annie"
as MOM creeps up behind her with leg-of-lamb.

MRS. JENSON
"...Tomorrow! You're only a day...
AWAAAAAY!!!"

MOM bludgeons MRS. JENSON with the leg-of-lamb on the final
note of the song.

Blood splatters the happy scene on the TV screen. MRS. JENSON
tries to struggle up from the floor but MOM hits her over
the head again with leg-of-lamb and finishes her off.

MOM zaps the off button and softly sings to herself in the
sudden silence.

MOM
"Tomorrow!... Tomorrow!... Tomorrow!
I love you...

MOM bludgeons her one more time and then pushes the REWIND
button in revenge.

GARAGE ROOF.

SCOTTY lets out a terror-filled scream.

INTERIOR JENSON LIVING ROOM.

MOM looks out window in search of scream and zooms right in
on SCOTTY's horrified face.

EXTERIOR JENSON HOUSE.

CHIP and BIRDIE look at each other in panic after hearing
SCOTTY scream and seeing him run away behind them.

INTERIOR JENSON LIVING ROOM.

The DOG is devouring the leg-of-lamb on the floor.

MOM grabs butcher knife, and takes off after SCOTTY.

EXTERIOR JENSON HOUSE.

CHIP is giving BIRDIE a frantic leg-up.

BIRDIE POV shot of MRS. JENSON's battered corpse.

The DOG lunges at BIRDIE in window.

BIRDIE screams in horror and falls to the ground.

BIRDIE
I saw blood! And it's brown! Not red
like in horror movies, but brown!!

CHIP
(Terrified)
Is MOM... in there?

BIRDIE
No!
(Obsessed)
It wasn't like gore movies at all!
(Bursting into tears)
IT WAS REAL!

CHIP grabs her arm and they run.

EXTERIOR JENSON HOUSE - OTHER SIDE.

MOM comes running out front, sees SCOTTY running in the other
direction and charges after him like a bat out of hell.

UP THE STREET.

SCOTTY runs, looking over his shoulder, horrified to see MOM
chasing him with a butcher knife.

MRS. JENSON'S NEIGHBORHOOD.

BIRDIE and CHIP run in fear across suburban back lawns.

BIRDIE
Oh God, I think I'm going to be
sick...

BIRDIE vomits into the hot coals of somebody's outside cooking
grill as horrified HOUSEWIFE looks out her window at her,
about to begin cookout and screams in revulsion.

CHIP grabs BIRDIE and they run away.

EXTERIOR "SUBURBAN CULT VIDEO" SHOP.

SCOTTY's convertible awaits him as he races towards it with
MOM gaining on him with every stride.

SCOTTY lunges for door handle, fumbles with key and hops in
just in time.

MOM plunges butcher knife through convertible top as he puts
key in ignition.

MOM
WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! IT'S THE LAW!!

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S CAR.

SCOTTY starts engine as he ducks the repeated knife jabs
through his convertible top.

SUBURBAN STREET.

SCOTTY peels out, showering MOM with gravel.

A van pulls to a stop. Inside are two BURGLARS; one white,
the other black. They are surrounded by obvious loot: VCR's,
cameras and silverware.

MOM turns to them with knife.

BURGLAR A
What the fuck is that?

BURGLAR B
Betty Crocker gone psycho!

MOM yanks open van door and points knife inside.

MOM
(Primly)
Give me your fucking van before I
kill you!

BURGLAR A
(Hopping out of
driver's seat)
Yes, ma'am. It's all yours.

BURGLAR B
(Hopping out as MOM
hops in and pulls
off)
Drive carefully!
(To fellow BURGLAR A)
White people sure are something!

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S CAR.

SCOTTY is speeding along, relieved to get away.

SCOTTY
(To himself out loud)
Dear God... I promise I'll never
watch a sex film again... I promise,
I promise....

INTERIOR STOLEN VAN.

MOM switches gears like Evil Knievel and skids around corner
in hot pursuit.

INTERIOR SCOTTY'S CAR.

SCOTTY checks rearview mirror and sees a van speeding up
behind him.

SCOTTY
Oh shit!
(He floors it)

SUBURBAN INTERSECTION.

CHIP and BIRDIE are running down street.

DAD and MISTY are driving in other direction looking for
MOM. Seeing CHIP and BIRDIE, DAD screeches on the brakes and
the kids run to car in relief and jump in.

Suddenly SCOTTY roars by in his car with MOM in hot pursuit.
She sees DAD and family and blows them a lunatic kiss.

DAD
Hold on, kids!

DAD takes off after MOM in car.

A COP sees the speeding caravan as it careens around a corner.

COP
All units! SERIAL MOM headed south
on York Road. Proceed with caution!
SHE'S ARMED AND FUCKIN' NUTS!!

EXTERIOR "HAMMERJACKS". Huge Rock 'n' Roll Palace.

Large signs announce "SUNDAY ROCK-A-THON. IN PERSON - 'CAMEL
LIPS'"

SCOTTY careens into parking lot in his convertible. Subtitle
appears "2:47pm" and fades out.

INTERIOR HAMMERJACKS.

On stage, "CAMEL LIPS", an all-female grunge-punk-metal band,
dressed in their trademark skin tight slacks that gave the
group their name, perform their hit song "Gas Chamber". The
monstrous but beautiful LEAD SINGER bellows and snarls the
lyrics as the DRUMMER, a brain dead drug idiot, hits herself
on head with drumstick in between beats as criminal looking
biker-chick GUITARIST plays her instrument and mock-humps it
with sexual abandon.

The audience of on-the-edge kids goes berserk, guzzling beer
and slam dancing with frightening intensity

EXTERIOR HAMMERJACKS.

MOM speeds into parking lot.

SCOTTY is looking over his shoulder in fear as he nears the
entrance waiting in line with grunge-metal kids.

DOORMAN
(To SCOTTY)
I.D.?

SCOTTY
(Panicked)
Can I give it to you inside?

DOORMAN
Hey, buddy. NOBODY gets inside without
I.D.

SCOTTY fumbles for his wallet.

MOM is hurrying across parking lot staring at SCOTTY with a
vengeance.

DAD and the kids speed into parking lot and jump out of car.

DOORMAN
(Looking at Scotty's
I.D.)
Birthdate?

SCOTTY
(Straining to remember
information on his
fake I.D.)
Uh... December 14th, 1975.
(Pleading)
Please!

DOORHAN
Ok, go ahead.

SCOTTY snatches back I.D. and rushes inside.

As horde of cop cars with lights blinking and sirens blaring
screech into parking lot, MOM pushes her way up in line and
greets startled kids who recognize her.

MOM
Hi! I know your mom...

KID A
It's her!

KID B
Who?

MOM
Excuse me.
(Pushing her way up
in line)
Age before beauty...

KID C
The murder lady! The one on TV!

KID B
Cool! Is she in a band?

MOM
(Butting ahead)
Sorry... the police are after me...

DOORMAN
(Recognizing her)
Hey, you're Serial Mom!

MOM
(Modestly)
I guess I am.

DOORMAN
(Looks up and sees
her family and COPS
rushing towards her)
Come on in lady. Quick!
(Hands her a badge)
Here, take this. A backstage VIP
pass.
(Proudly)
Welcome to Hammerjacks, "Serial Mom"!

MOM
Thank you so much, you kind, kind
creature.

INTERIOR HAMMERJACKS.

A parents' nightmare. Grunge-punk hell. "CAMEL LIPS" is
undulating suggestively on stage screeching out the chorus
of "Gas Chamber" as they mock gasp for breath, dodge beer
bottles thrown from audience and punch out male groupies who
rush the stage past brutish bouncers.

SCOTTY pushes his way through slam dancing crowd as he is
picked up and bodily tossed through the air by frenzied mob
of "body-surfing" dancers.

MOM is racing to catch up with SCOTTY.

MOM
Excuse me... coming through...
(Snatches beer bottle
out of boy's hand)
Bill Flowers! You're underage!

BILL
(Laughing)
Don't kill me, Serial Mom!

MOM
(Snatching joint out
of hophead girl's
lips)
Just say NO! And COMB YOUR HAIR,
young lady!

GIRL
(Stoned)
Wow! It's her!
(Proudly)
AND SHE'S A HEAVY METAL MANIAC!!!

DAD looks horrified as he politely maneuvers his way through
crowd as CHIP, MISTY and BIRDIE take over and begin "slamming"
their way through crowd opening up a crowd for DAD.

The COPS flood the place. DET. MOORE sees MOM in the distance,
grabs DET. BRADFORD and they begin to fight their way through
crowd after her.

"CAMEL LIPS" incites the crowd from the stage to fight back
against the police.

SCOTTY is running toward stage in terror, looking over his
shoulder and seeing MOM gaining on him.

DAD gets caught in a mob of slam dancers and is lifted off
his feet and tossed through the air by the crowd.

MISTY, CHIP and BIRDIE see DAD airborne and start slamming
into the crowd to save him. MISTY and CHIP slam into big
BIKER below DAD and DAD is knocked back to the ground safely.

When BIRDIE sees a slam dancer with a trickle of blood running
from his nose, she starts gagging at the sight of real blood.

SCOTTY is at the edge of the stage. He sees MOM almost on
top of him and leaps onto stage and runs for his life, dodging
bouncers and beer bottles being thrown from audience.

MOM looks furious that SCOTTY has escaped but then looks up
at theatrical light rigging overhead and then back down at
SCOTTY's face as "CAMEL LIPS" tries to hit him with their
instruments. MOM looks over her shoulder and sees DET. MOORE
and DET. BRADFORD advancing on her. Ducking behind a giant
speaker, out of view of the crowd MOM pulls butcher knife
from purse, cuts supporting rope and sends whole set of lights
crashing down on SCOTTY's head.

The crowd goes wild thinking it's more of "CAMEL LIPS"
sickening theatrics.

A gang of heavy-metal chicks slam into DET. MOORE and DET.
BRADFORD and knock them to the ground.

MOM's eyes light up in fury when she sees SCOTTY still alive,
crawling out from under the lights, semi-conscious and
bleeding.

BIRDIE faints at the sight of more blood.

Thinking fast, MOM swipes a hairspray can sticking out of a
girl's purse and uses her VIP pass to go backstage as CAMEL
LIPS reaches its deafening crescendo of musical mayhem.

As SCOTTY crawls to side of stage, MOM jumps out from a piece
of backstage scenery and aims hairspray can at him.

MOM
(Hissing)
Buckle up, Scotty!

MOM lights the spray from the hairspray can and ignites
SCOTTY's clothes in lethal flames without anyone seeing her.

SCOTTY runs across the stage ablaze as "CAMEL LIPS" plays
the final deafening note of their song and the crowd gives a
screaming ovation, all holding up lit lighters, thinking
SCOTTY on fire is all part of the act.

DET. MOORE and DET. BRADFORD look to the stage in horror.

DAD gasps in fear. MISTY and CHIP stare speechless as SCOTTY
falls to his knees and keels over. BIRDIE comes to and then
faints again.

The LEAD SINGER thinks it's a joke, pours a little Jack
Daniels on the smoldering corpse and then jumps back in comic
over-reaction when the flames light up again.

MOM, now caught in the front row of laughing slam-dancing
spectators, turns to her dumb-struck family, smiles and sticks
fingers in her ears, mimicking that the music is much too
loud.

DET. MOORE and DET. BRADFORD slamdance MOM from both sides
and knock her to the ground and handcuff her.

DAD puts his arms around CHIP, MISTY and BIRDIE as they hang
their heads in sorrow.

"CAMEL LIPS" and the entire audience of grunge-punks boo and
jeer the police as they drag MOM out as she smiles innocently
in suburban lunacy.

Slow fade to black.

Slow fade from black to EXTERIOR TOWSON COURTHOUSE. WINTER.

DAD, CHIP, BIRDIE, MISSY and her new boyfriend, the REPORTER
get out of folksy lawyer, HERBIE HEBDEN'S car and follow him
through crowd of hostile press-trial groupies, and MOM's
punk-grunge fans, feeling the full heat of MOM's serial killer
infamy. DAD wears a "Say No to the Gas Chamber" button and
BIRDIE has turned hippy, wearing tie-dye clothes covered in
peace signs. CHIP, on the other hand, looks cooler, wears
L.A. styled outfit and carries copy of Variety. MISTY is
obviously very much in love and the REPORTER seems to feel
the same way about her. Subtitle appears "Four months later,
Monday, January 18th, 9:46am" and then fades out.

PRESS A
Mr. Sutphin! How does your wife feel?

DAD
(Grim-faced)
Beverly is devastated by the charges
against her.

INTERIOR PRISON BUS.

Female criminals are handcuffed and seated around MOM on
their way to court as MOM leads them in a joyous and Disney-
esque rendition of "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". MOM
sings out with insane happiness and glee.

INTERIOR COURTHOUSE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF COURTROOM.

A "COURT TV" reporter is interviewing trial groupies as they
wait in line to go through metal detectors to attend MOM's
trial.

COURT TV
...And you, ma'am, how long have you
been waiting to get in?

LADY A
(Beaming at the
attention)
Since 5:00am. But it's gonna be worth
it! I know she's guilty!

HUSBAND A
(Leaning into the
shot)
We've been to famous trials all over
the country!

WIFE A
(Getting into the act)
..Manson... Watergate...
(To Lady A)
Didn't I see you at Hinkley?

LADY A
(Proudly)
I was there! My husband thought I
was crazy but...
(Seeing Sutphin family
getting off elevator)
LOOK! HERE THEY COME!! That awful
family!

The hostile crowd starts craning their necks and screaming
in recognition as if rock stars are making their entrance.
DAD is blinded by the press's flashbulbs as HERBIE HEBDEN
tries to stop CHIP from signing autographs as BIRDIE hands
out "Stop the Violence" handbills. REPORTER BOYFRIEND gives
MISTY the signal and she starts crying for his exclusive
news shots.

INTERIOR COURTROOM.

Packed with spectators, press and security officers. The
middle-class jury of seven woman and five men take their
place in the jury box as Sutphin family take their seats in
front row behind HERBIE HEBDEN at his defense table.

TIMOTHY NAZLEROD, the prosecutor, studies evidence photos of
victim's bodies at the District Attorney's table on other
side of the courtroom. He looks up in disgust as MOM makes
her apple-pie entrance. Escorted by two stern-faced police
matrons. Subtitle appears "10:00am" and fades out.

MOM
(Happily waving to
DAD)
Hi, honey!

DAD smiles back pitifully.

MOM
(To CHIP, BIRDIE &
MISTY)
Kids, did you do your homework?

They give her a weak smile and nod "Yes".

JUDGE
Quiet in the courtroom! Court is now
in session!

MOM
(To JURY)
Hello, jury people. My name's Beverly
Sutphin.
(To startled woman
juror)
I like your jacket!

JUDGE
(Losing patience)
Mrs. Sutphin, I SAID QUIET! You are
accused of mass murder! This is a
court of law, not a coffee klatch!
(Bangs gavel)
Mr. Nazlerod, your opening statement.

MR. NAZLEROD
Thank you, your honor.
(Approaches JURY)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, my
name is Timothy Nazlerod...
(Smarmily)
...and I hope we can be friends!
(JURY stares back
impartially)
...I warn you, this is not a pretty
case... Beverly Sutphin is a woman
evil to the core...
(JURY POV shot of
innocent-looking MOM
staring back at them)
...a rotten apple, if you will...
(DAD gulps in sorrow)
...who beyond a reasonable doubt
killed five innocent people!!

SPECTATORS scowl hatefully at MOM.

CHIP
(Whispering to BIRDIE,
making excuses)
Well... they sort of deserved it...

BIRDIE pales over the mere thought of violence.

DAD
(To CHIP)
Shhhhh!

He looks over and sees MISTY and REPORTER BOYFRIEND are
holding hands and glares at them to stop.

MR. NAZLEROD
...THAT'S RIGHT! SHE MURDERED THEM!...
WITH A SPEEDING CAR... A FIRE POKER...

MOM subtly motions to MALE JUROR that he has something in
his nose.

MR. NAZLEROD
...A PAIR OF SCISSORS...

JUROR self-consciously feels around his nostrils in
embarrassment.

MR. NAZLEROD
...A TOPPLED AIR CONDITIONER!

MOM signals to JUROR that the problem is still there.

MR. NAZLEROD
...THE LETHAL FLAMES FROM AN AEROSOL
CAN... EVEN A LEG OF LAMB!!

JUROR blows his nose. MOM smiles happily to him that the
problem is solved.

MR. NAZLEROD
...Beverly Sutphin is not a woman!...

MISTY and REPORTER are watching and move even closer together
to snuggle.

MR. NAZLEROD
...SHE IS A MONSTER!!

MOM's smile turns to horror as JUROR #8 on end of second row
crosses her legs and MOM zeros in on her hideous white summer
shoes.

Wipe to a disheveled HERBIE HEBDEN, the ultimate liberal
defense attorney, as he paces back and forth before JURY
wiping his brow.

HERBIE HEBDEN
...Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Herbie
Hebden and you and I have a tough
job ahead of us...

MOM is still staring insanely at JUROR's shoes.

HERBIE HEBDEN
...I have known the Sutphin family
for sixteen years...

MOM is frantically scribbling a note to her attorney on a
legal pad.

HERBIE HEBDEN
...Dad, Eugene, is my dentist...

DAD self-consciously smiles to JURORS.

HERBIE HEBDEN
...Chip and Misty played with my own
children...

CHIP smiles to MOM's few heavymetal supporters as REPORTER
BOYFRIEND puts his arm around MISTY.

HERBIE HEBDEN
...but I've found out I don't know
Beverly Sutphin at all!

He is trying to ignore MOM as she passes him a note that
says "Juror #8 is wearing white summer shoes!"

HERBIE HEBDEN
...No one really knows Beverly
Sutphin...

MOM writes angrily "AFTER LABOR DAY!!"

HERBIE HEBDEN
...You see...
(He reads note to
humor MOM)
...Beverly Sutphin is INSANE!!

MOM
(Suddenly defiant)
I AM NOT!

Courtroom spectators gasp as DAD's mouth falls open.

HERBIE HEBDEN
(Trying to make his
point)
Yes, she committed these terrible
crimes...
(Pleading)
...but that doesn't make her a bad
person.

MOM
(Standing)
Your honor, I have a motion. I would
like to fire my attorney, and defend
myself!

Sutphin family looks at one another, shocked at MOM's change
of plans.

HERBIE HEBDEN
Beverly Sutphin is not guilty, by
reason of INSANITY!

MOM
Oh shut up, Herbie!
(To JUDGE)
I have the right to defend myself,
your honor. I've read the lawbooks!
"Ware vs. State, 1964", and "Schutte
vs. State, 1962".

JUDGE
Mrs. Sutphin, a defendant who has
herself for a lawyer has a fool for
a client...
(To attorneys)
Approach the bench!

MOM smiles at DAD who looks bewildered as CHIP, MISTY and
REPORTER BOYFRIEND give MOM the thumbs-up sign as BIRDIE
nervously flashes her the peace sign.

JUDGE
(As bench conference
breaks up)
Mrs. Sutphin, I have no legal choice
but to allow you to take over as
your own attorney.

DAD looks worried and unsure.

HERBIE HEBDEN
(Sulking out of
courtroom, to MOM)
You'll get my bill, I mean it! A big
one!

JUDGE
(To MOM)
How do you plead?

MOM
(Proudly)
NOT GUILTY, your honor!

Courtroom and press buzz intently at MOM's new plea.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Furious)
I call to the stand, Dottie Hinkle!

A vindictive and hostile, DOTTIE HINKLE enters the courtroom
and eagerly takes the stand. As she is sworn in, MOM watches
her with an evil smile.

MR. NAZLEROD
Mrs. Hinkle, did you ever receive
obscene telephone calls?

DOTTIE
(Staring right at MOM)
I certainly did.

MR. NAZLEROD
Did you recognize the voice of the
caller?

DOTTIE
Not at first, but then I heard the
same inflection in a voice at a social
gathering and I put two and two
together.

MR. NAZLEROD
Who's voice was it, Dottie?

DOTTIE
(Pointing to MOM)
It was her! Beverly Sutphin! Sittin'
right there!
(Dramatically to JURY)
I'm lucky I'm not DEAD!!

Wipe to MOM approaching DOTTIE HINKLE for cross-examination.

MOM
Mrs. Hinkle... do you drink?

DOTTIE
(Haughtily)
No, I don't.

MOM
So you weren't drunk when you received
those alleged obscene phonecalls?

DOTTIE
I certainly was not!

MOM
You mean to tell me the day I came
over to Mrs. Ackerman's... the day
you claim you recognized my voice...
you weren't drinking?

DOTTIE
(Flustered)
One beer with lunch is hardly
"drinking".

MISTY, CHIP and BIRDIE smile at MOM's legal skills.

MOM
So you do drink?

DOTTIE
Socially... I'll have a beer.

MOM
So you admit you just lied?

MR. NAZLEROD
Objection! Argumentative!

DOTTIE
(Rising to the bait)
NO I DON'T, YOU BITCH!

JUDGE
Sustained.
(To DOTTIE)
Watch your mouth, Mrs. Hinkle.

Press scribbles frantically, beginning to doubt witness's
credibility.

MOM quickly and sneakily mouths "FUCK YOU" to DOTTIE without
the JUDGE or anyone else in the courtroom besides DOTTIE
seeing.

DOTTIE
(Shocked, to JUDGE)
Did you see her?! She just said "Fuck
you" to me!

MOM
(Innocently, to JUDGE)
Let the record show I'm just standing
here.

DOTTIE
FUCK YOU TOO, YOU WHORE!

JUDGE
I'm warning you, Mrs. Hinkle. One
more obscenity and I'll charge you
with contempt of court.

DAD watches, amazed at his wife's cunning.

MOM
(Dramatically)
Mrs. Hinkle, are you insane?

DOTTIE
NO I'M NOT, YOU MOTHER-FUCKER!

Police matrons lunge at DOTTIE as she leaps from witness box
to attack MOM.

JUDGE
(Bangs gavel)
Mrs. Hinkle, I find you guilty of
contempt of court and sentence you
to a thousand dollar fine and five
days in jail!
(To MATRONS)
Lock 'er up!

DOTTIE
(To MOM, being dragged
out)
YOU COCK-SUCKER! YOU LOUSY PIG-FUCKER!

MOM smiles at JURY and turns to wink at her amazed family as
spectators watch, willing to give MOM, for the first time,
the benefit of the doubt.

FADE OUT:

Fade in to COURTROOM HALLWAY. MORNING.

CHIP is pacing up and down yelling into a mobile phone outside
MOM's trial as long line of spectators wait to get in.
Subtitle appears "Tuesday, January 19th, 10:05am" and then
fades out.

CHIP
(On phone)
...Well, you tell "Geraldo" to go to
hell! I don't care what Jeffrey
MacDonald's people got - he's old
news! We fly first class or we don't
do the show!

A YOUNG MAN angrily approaches CHIP.

YOUNG MAN
Are you Chip Sutphin?

CHIP
(Into phone)
Hold on...
(To YOUNG MAN)
Yeah I am, but you'll have to speak
to my agent...

YOUNG MAN
Your mom killed my brother!

He punches CHIP in the mouth.

CHIP
(Getting up, rubbing
his jaw)
That's cool... hey look, you're Carl's
brother, right?

YOUNG MAN
That's right.

CHIP
I'm sorry he's dead, but... have you
signed off yet?

YOUNG MAN
(Suddenly all business)
You mean for TV or print?

CHIP
TV, man! Farrah Fawcett's interested
in playing my mother!

YOUNG MAN
(Impressed, eyes
lighting up)
Farrah Fawcett?! Who's gonna play my
brother? Is Jason Priestly available?

INTERIOR COURTHOUSE.

LU-ANN HODGES, pot-head witness from PTA murder is on the
stand testifying for the prosecution.

MR. NAZLEROD
Miss Hodges, could you describe the
car... the one you saw run over Mr.
Stubbins in cold blood?

LU-ANN
(Giggling)
I seen that movie!... On cable!

MOM stares in shock at JUROR #8 who has the nerve to give
MOM a friendly smile back while wearing yet another hideous
pair of white summer shoes. Trying to suppress her rage, MOM
turns to spectator section and happily notices the faces of
GUS and SLOPPY smiling back to her in support.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Annoyed at his witness)
PLEASE, Miss Hodges!

DAD looks up at the unconvincing witness from reading "The
Case Against Capital Punishment".

LU-ANN
(Obviously stoned)
'Scuse me...
(Giggles)
...Well, like I told you, it was
blue. The car, not the driver...
(Laughs like a lunatic)
Just blue... you know... like blue!

EXTERIOR COURTHOUSE.

MISTY has set up a flea market table and with the help of
her REPORTER BOYFRIEND, is doing a brisk business hawking
"Serial Mom" T-shirts to trial spectators.

MISTY
Get your "Serial Mom" T-shirts while
they last! $19.95 plus tax! Master
Card or Visa!

LADY D
I'll take two. I wish they'd had
something like this at the Kennedy
kid trial!...

MISTY
(Processing the charge
on portable printer)
Thanks, ma'am. Signature here and
home phone.

INTERIOR COURTHOUSE.

DET. BRADFORD is on the witness stand.

MR. NAZLEROD
...And these books...
(Holding up "Urge to
Kill", "Mass Murder
in Houston")
...these disgusting books that so
lovingly describe the sadistic acts
of serial killers... Where did you
find these books?

DET. BRADFORD
(Looking at MOM
hatefully)
In Beverly Sutphin's trash can.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Smugly to MOM)
You may cross-examine, Mrs. Sutphin.

MOM takes over and smiles in conspiracy at GUS and SLOPPY
who giggle in excitement about what is to come.

MOM
(To NAZLEROD)
Thank you.
(To DET. BRADFORD)
Detective Bradford, if I was to look
through your trash can, what reading
material would I find?

MR. NAZLEROD
Objection! Immaterial!

JUDGE
You may answer.

DET. BRADFORD
..."Time"... "Newsweek". My wife
gets "Ladies Home Journal"...

MOM
(Smiling)
Well, this magazine was found in
your trash just last night...
(Holds up porno
magazine)
...It's called "Chicks with Dicks".

DET. BRADFORD
(Turning bright red)
GODDAMN YOU! THAT'S TRESPASSING!

The entire courtroom bursts into laughter except for his
partner, DET. MOORE, who looks at him in shock. GUS and SLOPPY
laugh the loudest.

MOM
Don't judge people by what they read,
Detective.
(Smugly)
Your witness, Mr. Nazlerod.

MOM winks to SLOPPY and GUS.

DET BRADFORD
(Sputtering, purple
with rage)
I'm a married man!!

BAILIFFS forcefully remove him from the stand.

DET. BRADFORD
(Yelling to MOM)
I hope you get the gas chamber!

JUDGE
The jury is instructed to ignore the
outburst of the witness.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Furious at MOM's
cross-examination)
I call to the stand Rosemary Ackerman!

Wipe to MRS. ACKERMAN on the stand holding the fire poker
murder weapon tagged as evidence.

MR. NAZLEROD
...and did you ever see the fire
poker again after you left it with
Mrs. Sutphin?

MRS. ACKERMAN
Yes! Thirty minutes later it was
covered with blood and gore and Carl
Padgett was dead!

MR. NAZLEROD
No further questions.

MOM
(Standing to cross-
examine)
Mrs. Ackerman, when you left me at
the flea-market, where did you go?

MRS. ACKERMAN
...Browsing.

MOM
Did Carl Padgett buy something you
wanted?

MRS. ACKERMAN
I didn't want that Faberge egg - it
was chipped!

MOM
Carl Padgett died for the Franklin
Mint, didn't he?!

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Shocked at the
suspicion being
pointed at her)
NO! I could never hurt anyone!

Spectators buzz.

MOM
(Not letting up)
That was your People magazine with
the letters cut out, wasn't it?

MRS. ACKERMAN
Yes, but I lent it...

MOM
(Cutting her off)
And those were your scissors found
sticking out of Mrs. Sterner's
stomach, weren't they?

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Stuttering, panicked)
Yes... but... I didn't...

MOM
(Suddenly, dramatically)
Mrs. Ackerman, do you recycle?

MRS. ACKERMAN
(Horrified at the
sudden silence in
court as everyone
stares at her in
hostility)
No...
(Weakly)
I don't have room in my kitchen...

GUS, SLOPPY and all the spectators let out a howl of
disapproval. Even the JUDGE scowls at the witness in disgust.

EXTERIOR COURTHOUSE.

REPORTER BOYFRIEND is unpacking stack of the "instant" book
he wrote "Serial Mom - The Real Story" and autographing them
for a line of housewives.

HOUSEWIFE A
(To RALPH)
Could you sign it: "To a future Serial
Mom"?

REPORTER
(Signing)
Sure. You think she did it?

HOUSEWIFE B
I have reasonable doubt.

HOUSEWIFE C
(Buying a book)
I feel like killing a couple of people
myself!

All the HOUSEWIVES in line begin booing and jeering MRS.
ACKERMAN as she runs in terror from courthouse with GUS and
SLOPPY chasing after her.

INTERIOR COURTHOUSE.

DET. MOORE is on witness stand being examined by the
prosecution.

MR. NAZLEROD
Detective Moore, did you then proceed
to the stage area inside
"Hammerjacks"?

DET. MOORE
Yes, I did. Scotty Barnhiil was on
fire and he fell to his knees in
flames.

BIRDIE looks up from reading "Ghandi" biography and gags as
prosecutor hands DET. MOORE a gory 8x10 glossy photo of
victim.

MR. NAZLEROD
Would this be what you saw?

DET. MOORE
Yes, sir. A real barbecue.

Suddenly a buzz starts in the courtroom and all heads turn
to the back of the spectator section where the real life
star, FARRAH FAWCETT is entering with an entourage to
"observe" Serial Mom.

MOM acknowledges MS. FAWCETT with a dignified nod as DAD
looks on in amazement.

DET. MOORE, the JURY, even the JUDGE crane their necks to
get a better look at FARRAH FAWCETT.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Ignoring FARRAH
FAWCETT, trying to
continue)
Your honor!
(Impatiently)
May the photo be entered in as
evidence and passed to the jury?

JUDGE
Huh?... oh yeah... YES.

DET. MOORE
(Star-struck)
Jeeeeze! It really is Farrah Fawcett!

JUDGE
(Blurting out, unable
to contain himself)
I loved you in "The Burning Bed"!

MR. NAZLEROD
(Furious at JUDGE)
No further questions!
(Smugly looking at
MOM)
I call to the stand, Marvin Pickles.

MOM looks back in sudden fear at the prospect of this mystery
witness.

INTERIOR COURTHOUSE MEN'S ROOM.

MARVIN PICKLES, the pervert from the flea market bathroom
has locked himself in a stall and is scrawling "I SNIFF
JURIES' UNDERPANTS" on wall.

A POLICE OFFICER enters men's room, frantically banging on
bathroom doors.

COP
MR. PICKLES! MR. MARVIN PICKLES!

MARVIN
Be right out.

COP
The Judge is waiting for you!

INTERIOR COURTROOM.

MARVIN PICKLES hurriedly enters as all heads turn to follow
him to the stand. CHIP, who has joined BIRDIE and his family
looks at MOM and sees her worried expression.

MR. NAZLEROD
State your name, please.

MARVIN
Marvin A. Pickles.

MR. NAZLEROD
Were you in the men's room at the
Edmonson Drive In Flea Market on
Saturday, September 19th?

MARVIN
Yes, I was.

FARRAH FAWCETT answers a ringing mobile phone in her purse.

MR. NAZLEROD
Did you see anybody in the booth
next to you?

MARVIN sinks down lower in witness chair so he can get a
better view up MOM's skirt.

MARVIN
I... um...
(Turned on)
uh...

MOM looks at him confused, still unaware of his lechery.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Getting testy)
Mr. Pickle! Did you see anybody in
the booth next to you?

MARVIN
I... I'm not sure...
(Really turned on,
starting to moan)
...I... oohhh... Excuse me...

MR. NAZLEROD
(Outraged)
What do you mean, you're not sure?!

MOM suddenly realizes MARVIN is looking up her skirt. In a
brilliant legal maneuver she begins inching her skirt up a
little higher under the table out of view of the rest of the
courtroom, giving MARVIN a better view and hoping to change
his damning testimony.

MARVIN
(Eyes popping out of
head)
There was nobody next to me!

Housewife trial groupies start buzzing wildly in newfound
support of MOM.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Losing it)
Mr. Pickles, you testified before
the Grand Jury that you looked down
and "saw a pair of lady's shoes" in
the stall next to you.

MOM smiles like the perfect saint as she begins flapping her
legs back and forth under the table, flashing MARVIN her
very prim nun-like undergarments out of view of the rest of
the courtroom.

MARVIN
(Lost in his own
perverted glory)
Ohhhh! I just said what you told me
to!

DAD looks over at MISTY and REPORTER BOYFRIEND who have
rejoined the family in court and is horrified to see them
with their arms wrapped around each other, cuddling.

MR. NAZLEROD
PERJURY IS A SERIOUS OFFENCE, MR.
PICKLES!!

MOM is flapping her legs back and forth double time as MARVIN
goes into his own private orgasm.

MARVIN
Ooohhhhhh! I made it all up! I never
saw Beverly Sutphin in my life!

MR. NAZLEROD
(Absolutely furious)
You'll pay for this, Marvin A.
Pickles!
(Returning to seat)
I'm turning your file over to the
vice-squad!!
(Sitting down)
The prosecution rests, your honor.

MOM
(Giving MARVIN her
version of a sexy
smile as he leaves
stand)
The prosecution has proven nothing,
your honor.
(To the JURY)
The defense also rests!

The spectators burst into spontaneous applause as DAD looks
at the kids in fear at the upcoming verdict.

Wipe to HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF COURTROOM.

FARRAH FAWCETT is giving an impromptu press conference to
the throng of adoring reporters.

FARRAH FAWCETT
...I feel that Beverly Sutphin is an
innocent woman, wrongly accused. A
normal housewife trapped in a
nightmare of circumstantial
evidence...

INTERIOR COURTROOM.

TIMOTHY NAZLEROD is giving the prosecution's closing argument.

MR. NAZLEROD
(Pointing to MOM)
...That's her! Henrietta Lee Lucas!
Joan Wayne Gacy! A new face in the
deck of serial killer trading cards...
Find her guilty of all five counts
of first degree murder...!

HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF COURTROOM.

FARRAH FAWCETT is still pontificating for the press.

FARRAH FAWCETT
...I only hope that I can portray
"Serial Mom"'s life on the TV screen
with the proper dignity that this
feminist heroine deserves.

INTERIOR COURTROOM.

MOM
(Addressing the jury
with calm
believability)
Look at me! I'm a normal person just
like you are!

DAD wipes away a tear as CHIP looks at a preliminary design
for mini-series showing FARRAH FAWCETT done up as MOM.

MOM
...But I've been framed by the
police...

MISTY and REPORTER BOYFRIEND are now openly making out in
courtroom.

MOM
...and perjured against by the very
people I thought were my friends...

BIRDIE looks out of courtroom window and sees a bird eating
a worm and shudders in horror as CHIP pats her hand
affectionately.

MOM
...All I ask is that you have the
courage to find me innocent of these
terribly untrue charges...

HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF COURTROOM.

FARRAH FAWCETT is "reenacting" MOM's closing argument for
the enthralled press corp.

FARRAH FAWCETT
(Hammily)
...All I ask is that you find me
innocent of these terribly untrue
charges...

INTERIOR COURTROOM.

Dissolve to stern-faced JURORS filing back into jury box,
not looking at MOM. Subtitle appears "Two days later.
Thursday, January 21st. 3:20pm" and then fades out.

JUDGE
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury,
have you reached a verdict?

FOREMAN
Yes we have, your honor...

JUROR #8 gives MOM a smile.

FOREMAN
...We find the defendant not guilty
of all charges.

Courtroom erupts in pandemonium, FARRAH FAWCETT cheering the
loudest. MOM turns to family who sit stunned in seats.

MOM
I'm coming home!!

DAD forces a weak smile as he turns white as a ghost.

JUDGE
(Bangs gavel in disgust)
Court adjourned!

DAD
(Whispering to a
shocked CHIP and
MISTY)
...What should I do?

CHIP
(Suddenly nervous)
Bring her home... I guess.

BIRDIE
(Mumbling to herself)
No more violence... No more
violence...

REPORTER BOYFRIEND
Think she'll like me?

MISTY
(Worried)
Just be nice to her. And try... just
try not to get on her nerves.

MOM rushes over to DAD, free at last and gives him a big hug
as press, fans, even the jury cheer her victory.

INTERIOR COURTROOM HALLWAY.

The stunned Sutphin family exits as MOM raises fists like
"Rocky" to cheers of her supporters.

MOM
(Graciously accepting
flowers, signing
autographs, posing
for the press)
I love you! Thanks for coming!
(Slows a kiss to news
team)
Hi Los Angeles!
(Looking into another
camera)
Hello Cleveland!
(And another)
And you too, New York!

Down the hall, inside a bank of old fashioned wooden phone
booths is JUROR #8, excitedly talking on pay phone.

JUROR #8
(Proudly)
We did it! We set her free! I knew
she was innocent right from the
beginning!...

Without warning, MOM slams her way into phone booth, hangs
up the call and grabs receiver out of JUROR #8's hand.

MOM
(Snarling scarily)
You can't wear white shoes after
Labor Day!

JUROR #8
(Stammering in open-
mouthed terror)
No... please... that's not true
anymore.

MOM
Oh yes it is!
(In homicidal fury)
Didn't your mother ever tell you?!

MOM suddenly bludgeons JUROR #8 over the head with the
telephone receiver.

MOM
Well, now you know!

JUROR #8, stunned by the blow, struggles to stay conscious.

JUROR #8
(Staggering in pain)
But... fashion has changed...

MOM
(Enraged)
No it hasn't!

MOM immediately hits JUROR #8 over the head again with the
telephone receiver.

As JUROR #8's screams are drowned out by the passing PRESS
MOB, MOM hits her again and again with the telephone receiver
until JUROR #8 collapses to the ground, her white summer
shoes turned red with her own blood.

Cut back to Sutphin family, holding on to each other for
dear life as the mob of supporters swell around them.

DAD
(Realizing MOM is
missing in the
confusion)
Beverly? Beverly?

MOM flies out of phone booth wearing a big smile, not missing
a beat.

MOM
Right here, honey.

PRESS
Mrs. Sutphin, can we get a shot with
you and Farrah Fawcett?

MOM
Certainly.

FARRAH FAWCETT barges in and takes over.

FARRAH
Hello, Beverly. I'm Farrah Fawcett
(Pulling MOM rudely)
You stand here...
(To PRESS)
Ok, boys, a medium two shot...

MOM
(Trying to get on
other side of FAWCETT)
...but please... if I could just...

FARRAH
(Rudely shoving MOM
back in place)
Stay there, Beverly.
(Posing)
Smile, Serial Mom!

Flashbulbs explode.

MOM
(Hissing to FARRAH in
the scariest, most
threatening voice
yet)
THAT'S MY BAD SIDE, FARRAH FAWCETT!!

A JUROR down the hall screams in horror as she opens phone
booth door and a bloody white shoe pops out.

FARRAH FAWCETT looks back at MOM in sudden fear.

MOM glares back with the face of a madwoman.

Freeze frame.

Dissolve to epilogue title card: "Beverly Sutphin is a free
woman."

CREDIT ROLL.

THE END

Contact | Disclaimer
Copyright © WeeklyScript.com | Scripts Copyright © their respective owners