"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SCARY MOVIE 2"

Screenplay by

Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Alyson Fouse, Greg Grabianski

Dave Polsky, Michael Anthony Snowden, & Craig Wayans



FADE IN:

INT. HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

A party is winding down. Only a FEW GUESTS remain. They all
are gathered around the piano. A YOUNG PRIEST, FATHER HARRIS,
plays an old standard. Everyone sings along. A WOMAN in the
group, mid-40's, conservative, really getting into the song,
starts giving a soulful rendition, dropping to her knees ala
James Brown. The song ends. Everyone cheers. Father Harris
starts another.

HARRIS
Who knows this one?...
(singing)
"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!"

They all join in.

A YOUNG GIRL, MEGAN, enters the room. She watches the group.

The group notices Megan and slowly stops singing.

CLOSE ON:

Megan. Her eyes seem vacant, almost like she is sleep walking.
She mutters something.

MEGAN
You're going to die.

The group looks confused.

The young girl pees on the floor.

CLOSE ON:

A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's. She is the girl's MOTHER.

The mother apologizes to her guests.

MOTHER
I'm sorry. She's been really sick.

CLOSE ON:

Megan. THWACK!! She is smacked on the head by a rolled
newspaper.

REVEAL:

Mom holding the newspaper. She shoves Megan's head into the
pee and rubs her nose in it as she continues to whack her
with the newspaper.

MOTHER
No! Bad girl! Bad girl!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT

The street is covered in thick fog. The only light is by a
street lamp.

A taxi pulls into the frame. It reads "YELLOW CAB."

A TALL, DARK FIGURE gets out of the taxi.

CAB DRIVER (V.O.)
Hey you, pay your fare.

The figure takes off, running into the fog.

CAB DRIVER
God damn priests always pull this
shit.

Cab drives off.

CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS

A doorbell RINGS. It plays the THEME to "THE EXORCIST."

CLOSE ON:

The mother answers the door.

The dark figure lifts his head up, revealing that it's Father
McFeely.

FATHER MCFEELY
Uh... I'm Father McFeely

MOTHER
Father, come in, please.

Father McFeely enters. The mother closes the door behind
him.

MOTHER
I'm so glad you're here.

FATHER MCFEELY
I came as fast as I could, but at my
age the little soldier needs a lot
more thumpin before it starts pumpin.
If I tickle my ass before...

MOTHER
It's okay. I understand.

FATHER MCFEELY
How is she?

MOTHER
(sadly)
She's gotten worse, Father. She won't
eat, she won't talk. The child won't
even let me touch her.

FATHER MCFEELY
(reflecting)
Yes... Sometimes you have to give
them candy.

The mother gives Father McFeely an odd look.

They are interrupted by Father Harris. He extends his hand
to McFeely.

HARRIS
Father.

FATHER MCFEELY
Not unless you have a paternity test
to prove it.

Harris looks confused.

HARRIS
No, I was sent by the church to assist
you. My name is Father Harris.

They shake hands.

HARRIS
Would you like to see the girl?

FATHER MCFEELY
Soon. First, I must bless this house.

McFeely walks to a room and opens the door.

INT. ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Small bare walls. A window in the center wall.

McFeely closes the door. He sits and opens a bible and begins
to read.

CLOSE ON:

The window. Flies begin to appear.

CLOSE ON:

McFeely. He wipes sweat from his brow.

BACK TO THE WINDOW:

More flies. Their BUZZING is loud.

McFeely, now sweating, profusely. He begins to cough.

The window is now covered with flies. The BUZZING is
deafening.

McFeely, coughing and gagging.

FATHER MCFEELY
Lord, please help me to release this
demon.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

He's on the toilet. He lets out a loud fart followed by
plopping noises.

FATHER MCFEELY
Thank you, Father.

A DEMONIC VOICE is heard.

DEMONIC VOICE (O.S.)
Get out!!! You fuckin' pig!!!

The room door swings open.

McFeely tries to flush the toilet. It bubbles over with black
goo ala "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR." He hustles out of the
bathroom.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

McFeely staggers out. Father Harris rushes over.

HARRIS
Father, are you okay?

FATHER MCFEELY
Yeah, but you might wanna light a
match before you go in there.
(then)
Did you bring my bag?

HARRIS
Yes.

FATHER MCFEELY
Then let us prepare.

Both priests walk up the stairs.

CUT TO:

INT. MEGAN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

McFeely and Harris enter.

FATHER MCFEELY
Remember, don't ask her too many
questions.

HARRIS
Because she will lie?

FATHER MCFEELY
No, because her breath smells like a
horse's ass.

Megan lays tied to the bed post of her bed. Her face is cut
up and twisted, eyes an eerie red. She's hooked up to an
I.V. with a small tube running out of her nose. It's shaped
like a CRAZY STRAW with red fluid going through it. The straw
leads to a cup. "SLURPIE!" Megan is wheezing, heavily. She
wears a tee-shirt that reads, "I went to Hell and all I got
was this stupid t-shirt."

They go to opposite sides of the room. Megan stares straight
ahead.

Father McFeely sees that next to Megan's bed are some get-
well cards, flowers, balloons, and a teddy bear. He picks up
one get-well card: It features a cheesy, happy cartoon dog
saying: "Heard You Were Possessed By The Devil"... He flips
the card open and reads the punch line: "He Picked One Hell
Of A Nice Girl!"

McFeely, shivering, his breath visible, takes the metal cross
from his pocket and kisses it. But it's so cold in the room
that his lips instantly stick to the metal.

He struggles to pull his lips off the cross and finally
manages to painfully tear it off his face.

McFeely makes the sign of the cross to Megan.

MEGAN
Shove it up your ass. You worthless
piece of shit!

FATHER MCFEELY
Silence!!

Father McFeely tosses a mint in her mouth.

FATHER MCFEELY
Look, my child. We've come to help
you.

Harris looks at Megan. He sits down on a chair besides the
window.

MEGAN/DEMON
Your mother's in here with us, Harris.
Would you like to leave a message?
I'll see that she gets it.

HARRIS
If that's true, then you must know
my mother's name. What is it?

Megan keeps a sharp stare on Harris. Harris' smile turns to
an angry stare. He rises and moves to her bedside.

HARRIS
What is it?

Megan leans forward. BLANCHHHH!!! She vomits a disgusting
green bile in Harris' face. Harris wipes it off, coughing.

HARRIS
That's right. Blanche was my mother's
name. You are the devil.

Harris tosses holy water on Megan. She falls back, writhing.

FATHER MCFEELY
It burns! It burns!

CLOSE ON:

McFeely, holding his crotch.

FATHER MCFEELY
Damn Tijuana hooker.

Harris and McFeely begin to pray.

MCFEELY/HARRIS
Our Father who art in Heaven...

MEGAN
Your mother sucks cock in Hell,
Harris.

Harris tries to ignore her.

FATHER MCFEELY
Oh shit, you gonna take that?

HARRIS
What?

FATHER MCFEELY
What she said about your mother?

Harris fires back at Megan.

HARRIS
Oh, yeah, well your mama got one leg
and does jumping jacks like this.

He puts his feet together and jumps them from side to side
as he claps his hands over his head.

MEGAN
So, your mama's so fat when she walks
by my bed, it does this.

Her bed bounces and bucks off the floor.

HARRIS
What about your mama? Her butt is so
big, she wipes her ass like this.

He makes an exaggerated movement of putting his hand behind
his head then brings it up high and back down over his face.

The exchange continues with the possessed girl getting the
best of Harris.

HARRIS
Enough! Begone from this child of
God. I command you by the power of
the living and the dead...

Megan groaning, flicking her tongue wildly at McFeely.

HARRIS
...to leave the young servant so
that she may return to her...

McFeely responds back with the same gesture, then simulates
her giving head, then starts wildly thrusting his pelvis,
simulating sex. Megan falls back on her pillow and moans.

Harris shoots McFeely a hard look.

McFeely stops. Harris continues.

HARRIS
In the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit, I cast you out.

McFeely, coughing, hardly able to catch his breath.

Megan on the bed, laughing. Smoke billowing out of her mouth.

Harris rushes to McFeely.

HARRIS
Father, are you alright?

McFeely nods yes, revealing he's smoking a joint.

FATHER MCFEELY
This is some good shit.

He offers a hit to Harris.

HARRIS
No thanks.

FATHER MCFEELY
My holy water.

Harris gives him the bottle.

McFeely takes a swig.

FATHER MCFEELY
Ahhh, that's better.

McFeely splashes some on Harris, playfully.

He clears his throat and starts again, taking turns splashing
the booze on her and taking sips from it.

FATHER MCFEELY
The power of Christ compels you!

He splashes her again, then takes a sip.

She roars. Lights flicker. The scary, pale "DEATH HEAD"
flashes over her again. But this time, it's picking its nose.
The "DEATH HEAD" realizes it's seen and quickly pulls its
finger from its nose, trying to look all scary again.

FATHER MCFEELY
The power of Christ compels you!

He splashes more booze on her and takes a sip. By this time,
Father McFeely is getting drunk.

FATHER MCFEELY
(slurring)
The power of Chrishht compelshh yooo.

He's stumbling around, splashing the walls.

FATHER MCFEELY
(slurring)
Power of compelshh Chrishhts you, or
something...

Suddenly, the girl's straps break and she starts floating
up.

Harris watches in awe. A MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT passes a hoop
over her.

FATHER MCFEELY
David Blaine, kiss my ass.

The girl continues to float up into spinning blades out of
the ceiling fan. WHACK! The blades slam into her head, sending
her flying back down on to the bed.

HARRIS
Father, I think you should rest.

FATHER MCFEELY
No, I'm fine.

He staggers over to the bed, kneels and starts to pray.

Harris exits the room to retrieve his medical bag. He returns
to find McFeely lying unconscious on the bed. Megan, sitting,
quiet looks at McFeely.

Harris rushes over to McFeely.

HARRIS
Father!

Harris grabs McFeely and throws him down to the ground.

McFeely's eyes open.

FATHER MCFEELY
I must have dozed off.

Harris, caught up in the moment, is oblivious that McFeely
is okay. He starts pounding violently on his chest.

HARRIS
No!!!

Harris knee-drops McFeely. His efforts to revive McFeely
resemble a WWF grudge match. Harris diving off of furniture,
slamming down on McFeely. Finally, he checks his pulse. He
thinks McFeely is dead. Harris shouts out at Megan.

HARRIS
Look what you've done!

Megan sits, quietly.

Harris dives on top of Megan and starts choking her.

HARRIS
Take me! Take me!

NEW ANGLE:

McFeely sits up, still drunk and disoriented. He notices
Harris on the bed.

MCFEELY'S POV:

He sees Father Harris on his hands and knees. His robe is
hiked above his waist exposing his naked ass.

HARRIS
Take me! God damn you, take me!

McFeely, now on his feet, smiles as he moves toward Harris.

CLOSE ON:

Harris' face.

It turns to shock and horror. He looks possessed as we hear
the sound of penetration.

HARRIS
Nooooo!!!!!

Harris dives out the window.

McFeely watches as Harris tumbles down the long staircase.

Megan begins to giggle.

MEGAN
You failed, McFeely. Your weapons
are useless against me.

FATHER MCFEELY
You're mistaken my child. The Lord
has greater weapons than me.

McFeely picks up his bible.

FATHER MCFEELY
Hear the word of the Lord and be
humbled!

McFeely lifts up a crucifix.

FATHER MCFEELY
See the cross of the Lord and tremble!
If ye still not have faith, then...

McFeely reaches into his jacket and pulls out a .44 magnum.

FATHER MCFEELY
...suck on this!!!

Megan's eyes widen.

BLAM!!!

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.

SMASH CUT TO:

TITLE CARD

"SCARY MOVIE II"

CUT TO:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- DAY -- ESTABLISHING SHOT

The campus is alive as STUDENTS make their way to class.

CLOSE ON:

A souped-up muscle car driving through the parking lot.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

The driver, DWIGHT, a nerdy man between 25-30, glasses,
thinning hair line. He drives recklessly, shouting at the
people in his path as he honks his horn.

DWIGHT
Come on. Move it.

A GUY ON CRUTCHES walks in front of the car.

DWIGHT
Come on, peg legs. I ain't got all
day.

Dwight whizzes past, causing the man to fall.

Dwight notices a girl in a short skirt.

DWIGHT
Hey, sweetie, ever heard of a gym?
I've seen pool sticks bigger than
those thighs.

Dwight continues. He finds a parking space, whizzing before
another car that has been waiting to take the space.

Dwight yells at the irate motorist.

DWIGHT
Sorry, but the fastest feet win.

Dwight shuts off the engine, and opens the door before he
exits. We see a wheelchair unfold. Dwight hops in. He is
paralyzed from the waist down. His legs dangle, lifeless. On
his feet, a new pair of Air Jordan sneakers.

Dwight wheels around to his trunk. He pops it open and removes
his briefcase and a Razor scooter. He places his feet on the
scooter and rolls the wheelchair with his hands. Off he goes.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS -- LATER

In the middle of the campus quad, there is a distinguished
statue of Thomas Jefferson.

PAN DOWN TO REVEAL:

A black woman slave and a bunch of nappy-headed black kids.

A plaque reads: "Once you go black, you never go back"...

Sitting on the base of the statue are CINDY and SHORTY.

CINDY
So, do you think you made it into
the class?

SHORTY
I don't know, but I sure hope so.

CINDY
You could use the grade, huh?

SHORTY
Nah, I need a place to stay. So how
do you like being in college?

CINDY
Okay, I guess. It's so intimidating.
You know being away from home, not
knowing anyone. I feel like such a
geek sometimes. Everyone's so cool
and I'm so not.

SHORTY
Aww, you ain't that bad. You just
need a little flava. First thing we
gotta do is get you some new gear.

CINDY
Huh?

SHORTY
Gear. You know, clothing.

CINDY
Oh.

SHORTY
Let's start with some rhythm. Sway
back and forth like this.

Shorty demonstrates. Cindy begins to mimic, clumsily.

SHORTY
Yeah, something like that.
(then)
Now, go left, right, left, right,
crossover kick...

Shorty demonstrates. Cindy follows.

CINDY
Left, right, left, right, crossover
kick...

SHORTY
Now you gotta learn the correct slang.

Shorty begins to demonstrate.

CINDY
Yo! That jacket is tight.

SHORTY
Yeah, now go uhn, uhn, uhn!

CINDY
Uhn! Uhn! Uhn!

SHORTY
Yeah, you feel that? Now put it all
together.

Cindy now completely rhythmic and soulful, executes the
combination, just as a nicely dressed YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT
passes by.

CINDY
Left...

POW!!! Cindy connects with the student's jaw.

CINDY
POW!!!

Another crunching blow.

CINDY
Crossover kick...

Cindy smashes her foot to the face of the student. The student
falls to the ground.

CINDY
Uhn! That jacket is tight. Now run
that shit, bitch.

The student nervously gives Cindy her nice leather jacket.

Cindy slaps Shorty high-five.

The student takes off running.

Cindy puts on the jacket and poses in a gangster lean.

CINDY
Am I cool now?

SHORTY
Almost... Look, I gotta bounce. I'll
holla at you later.

Cindy gives Shorty a hug. They go their separate ways.

CUT TO:

INT. MEN'S DORM -- RAY'S ROOM -- LATER

RAY, and his roommate, TOMMY, are getting dressed. Their
friend, BUDDY, waits impatiently.

BUDDY
Hey, man, you two boners aren't ready
yet? We're gonna miss the bus, Ray.
Coach says if our GPA drops below 2
we're off the squad.

RAY
Don't worry, we'll make it. Say,
what do you guys think, tucked in or
out?

REVEAL:

Ray, naked with his dick tucked between his legs, making it
look like he has a vagina.

BUDDY/TOMMY
Out!!!

RAY
No doubt. That's what I thought.

Ray and Tommy continue to get dresses. Buddy waits.

BUDDY
If you two hadn't been out partying
last night, you'd be ready by now.

TOMMY
It was awesome, dudes. We got fucking
wasted. I had like a whole keg. Dude,
I was so shitfaced. I woke up naked
in a tub of ice.

RAY
(laughing)
I woke up naked, too.

TOMMY
Hey, dude, you got a tattoo.

RAY
What does it say?

TOMMY
It says, "Ray."

RAY
(checks Tommy's back)
Sweet. Hey, you got a tattoo, too.

TOMMY
Get out?! What does it say?

RAY
"Fucked me."

TOMMY
Aww. Cool. Dude.

They read each other's tattoos ala "Dude, Where's My Car?"

TOMMY
"Ray!"

RAY
"Fucked me."

TOMMY
"Ray!"

RAY
"Fucked me."

TOMMY/RAY
"Ray fucked me."

TOMMY
Hey!

RAY
What?

Buddy gives Tommy a wedgy.

BUDDY
Wedgy moment.

TOMMY
Totally got me, fuck.

He tries to fix his underwear.

BUDDY
Come on, dude. We're gonna be late.

Ray grabs his stuff. He and Buddy exit.

RAY
See you later, man.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS -- DAY

Cindy passes several activity booths. She notices a YOUNG
PRETTY GIRL on the phone, obviously upset. Her name is ALEX.

ALEX
(into phone)
That's it! I don't want to be treated
like this anymore. It's over. Goodbye.
Have a nice life.

She hangs up the phone. Cindy approached.

CINDY
Are you okay?

ALEX
Yeah, I'm fine. I just broke up with
my boyfriend, that's all.

CINDY
That's always tough. How long were
you together?

ALEX
Well, we never made it official, so
I guess we were technically never
really boyfriend and girlfriend, but
I was seeing him in school. I saw
him at the mall about six months ago
and I was too nervous to introduce
myself so I followed him to his car,
and jotted down the license plate
number. It was registered to his
mother, so I went to her house. She
was so nice. I mean, she seemed like
she would be nice 'cuz I never really
spoke to her. I just waited til she
went to work then I climbed in through
her window and borrowed her phone
book. I say borrowed because I'm
going to give it back one day. But
anyway, I called everyone in it til
I found her son. He wasn't home when
I called so I left this message how
much in love I was with him. I was,
and how I wanted to have his children.
Just really opening up, and he never
called back. I'd call and call, and
anyway, six months and two restraining
orders later I just decided I deserved
better. What about you? Do you have
a boyfriend?

CINDY
No, I haven't dated in a while. My
last boyfriend's...

Alex interrupts, totally uninterested in Cindy's story.

ALEX
Hey, look there. My friend Brenda.

CLOSE ON:

BRENDA is on the financial aid line, standing before the
CASHIER.

CASHIER
Okay, here's your loan check. Your
grant check. Your disability check.
And oh, a block of government cheese.

BRENDA
Thanks.

She steps out of line. We see behind her a HOMELESS MAN,a
WELFARE MOTHER with KIDS, a CRACK ADDICT, etc.

Cindy and Alex approach.

ALEX
Hey, Brenda.

BRENDA
Do I know you?

ALEX
Well, actually, we've never met
officially, but I bumped into you at
the cafeteria and you were so sweet.
I said, "I'm sorry," and you said,
"Watch it, white bitch, or I'll put
my size eight in your ass." I thought
how cool. I wear a size eight, too.
Anyway, this is my best friend, Cindy.

CINDY
We already know each other. Hey,
Brenda.

BRENDA
Hey, Cindy. Your friend needs help.

CINDY
Actually, I just met her. This is
Alex.

BRENDA
Oh my god. Madam Elsa, my psychic,
told me I would meet somebody whose
name starts with a letter of the
alphabet today.

CINDY
Really? That's amazing.

BRENDA
Hey girl, that jacket is slamming.

CINDY
Thanks.

BRENDA
You better be careful. I heard some
girl got her ass whooped and jacket
stolen earlier today.
(off Cindy's look)
Hey, what class do we have next?

CINDY
Psychology.

ALEX
Me, too. 101?

BRENDA
In room "302" at ten o'clock?

ALEX
That's it.

BRENDA
Oh, this is too much. I'm gonna have
to play these numbers. Remind me to
pick up a Lotto ticket.

The girls take a few steps before Brenda grabs Cindy by the
arm just as they're about to pass an iron post between them.

BRENDA
Wait, don't split the pole. It's bad
luck.

Brenda walks around Cindy's side and they go on to class.

ALEX
You don't really believe that stuff.

Just then, TWO OTHER STUDENTS split the pole on either side
and are mowed down by a car.

BRENDA
Oh yes, girl. After my near-death
experience, I've become very
spiritual. I can feel my angels all
around me, Oh, look a penny...

Brenda picks up the penny. They walk past a fountain.

BRENDA
That's good luck. Wait, let me make
a wish and throw it in the fountain.
(closing her eyes)
I wish for a lot of money.

She tosses the penny into the fountain.

BRENDA
(opening her eyes)
Oh, look, it worked.

She reaches down in the fountain and grabs both hands full
of coins.

BRENDA
God is good, y'all

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A SHORT TIME
LATER

CUT TO:

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- CONTINUOUS

A STUDENT walks up a flight of steps through a set of swinging
doors.

He sees Dwight coming towards the doors in his wheelchair.

STUDENT
There you go my man.

DWIGHT
Hey, pal, I can handle a door by
myself.

STUDENT
Fine.

The student let the doors go. They swing, smashing into
Dwight, sending him flying. ANOTHER YOUNG STUDENT rushes to
help.

STUDENT #2
Are you okay? Let me help you to the
handicapped ramp.

DWIGHT
I am not handicapped! I can use the
steps like anyone else.

Dwight wheels himself over to the stairs. He successfully
navigates one step then goes tumbling violently down the
rest.

DWIGHT
That's one more than last week!

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING - PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S OFFICE - A SHORT
TIME LATER

Dwight and PROFESSOR OLDMAN, 50's, distinguished, are present.

DWIGHT
I finished all the interviews.

PROFESSOR
Let me see the files.

DWIGHT
They're on top of the bookshelf.
I'll get them.

Dwight wheels himself over to a bookshelf. As he attempts to
retrieve the folder, the professor moves to assist him.

PROFESSOR
Let me help you.

DWIGHT
I don't need your help. I'm perfectly
capable.

Dwight climbs the bookshelf, reaches the top, and lifts up
the folder. Just then, the bookshelf topples over on top of
Dwight. His hand extends from the mess, holding the folder.

DWIGHT
Here you go, Professor.

PROFESSOR
Are these all the subjects?

Dwight, disheveled, glasses bent, gets back in his wheelchair
and makes his way over to the Professor.

DWIGHT
Yes. The scored all over the Kiersey
Temperament Sorter just like you
asked for.

PROFESSOR
Any of them hot?

Dwight rolls his eyes.

DWIGHT
I also took the liberty of putting
those with near-death experiences on
top.

PROFESSOR
Good thinking, Dwight. Traumatized
co-eds are a sure thing.

DWIGHT
(dripping with contempt)
As I am sure you are aware, Professor,
subjects who are close to death are
statistically more likely to have
the suggestibility required for
paranormal investigation, which is,
of course, why I've given them special
consideration.

PROFESSOR
Look, whatever you say, kid, but the
more they're hurtin', the more they
need a squirtin', if you know what I
mean.
(then, off Cindy's
picture)
Ooh, I like her.

DWIGHT
Cindy Campbell. Classic abandoned
personality disorder. She seems
guarded, but willing to do this.

PROFESSOR
Willing? I like that.
(then, off Ray's
picture)
And, this one?

DWIGHT
That's Ray Williams. I couldn't quite
figure him out, but he seemed very
eager and excited when we met.

PROFESSOR
What's this?

Professor holds up another photo of Ray. In this one, he's
got his shirt off and his thumbs hooked in his jeans' pockets.

DWIGHT
Oh, that's the picture he sent me
after our interview.

The Professor continues looking at the pictures and files of
Shorty, Ray, Brenda, and Cindy.

PROFESSOR
Car accident, gun shot, multiple
stabbings, a hook through the back...
Where did you find these kids?

DWIGHT
They are the survivors of the
Steveston County massacre.

PROFESSOR
Fantastic. These kids are exactly
the kind of catalyst needed to awaken
Hell House.

DWIGHT
How are we going to get them all up
there?

PROFESSOR
I'll make it part of the class. We'll
tell them they're participating in a
study on sleep disorders.

DWIGHT
And what happens when all hell breaks
loose?

PROFESSOR
We record and document it. We're
gonna make history, Dwight. The first
documented, unrefuted evidence of
life after death. The book sales
alone will be worth millions. I'll
be rich, and you my friend, will
have one hell of a thesis paper.
Now, what time is orientation?

DWIGHT
In about fifteen minutes.

PROFESSOR
Remember, Dwight, not a word to
anyone.

CUT TO:

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

Buddy, Ray and a couple of other guys are horsing around.

Smiling, Buddy, flicks a guy's ear. Slaps ANOTHER'S hat.
They all take it good and naturally return the friendly abuse.

BUDDY
Whoa! Who laid one?

RAY
Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Buddy hits Ray in the chest.

BUDDY
Open chest.

Ray returns.

RAY
Loose nuts. You better hide them.

Ray stands grabbing the guy's crotch. Everyone stops laughing.

RAY
What? You guys don't know this game?

The girls walk past, interrupting the moment.

BUDDY
Dude, look out.

Ray turns. He and Cindy collide. Her books fall to the ground.
Ray, not recognizing her, bends down to help her with her
things. Their eyes meet. They are both shocked to see each
other.

CINDY
I'm sorry, I should have been watching
where I...

RAY
It's okay.

CINDY
Oh, my God, Ray! What are you doing
here?

RAY
It's the sequel.

CINDY
Oh, right.

RAY
Listen, no need for you to worry.
All that stuff that happened before
is behind us. Let's just try to move
on.

CINDY
I am. So just do me a favor and stay
away from me.

Cindy storms into class.

Brenda pushes through the guys. She sees Ray. Their eyes
lock.

RAY
Hello Brenda.

BRENDA
Hello Ray.

Though guarded, we can see they still have feelings for one
another.

Brenda hurries into the classroom.

CUT TO:

INT. PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS

The Professor addresses the class: Cindy, Alex, Brenda,
Shorty, Dwight, Ray, Buddy, and THEO.

PROFESSOR
Welcome everyone. I'm Professor
Oldman. All of you have been carefully
selected to be in this class. This
course is very unique in that each
semester my students take part in a
bona fide study for which they receive
an automatic grade of "A" upon
completion. This semester's study is
insomnia. All of you have some kind
of sleep disorder that we will attempt
to resolve or at least find the origin
to.

THEO, a striking looking woman who is drop-dead gorgeous,
with a body to match, raises her hand.

THEO
(standing)
Excuse me, but I don't have a sleep
disorder.

PROFESSOR
It's okay. You have a "D-cup." You're
in the right place.

Theo sits.

PROFESSOR
My assistant, Dwight, will be passing
out directions to everyone.

Dwight rolls over to the desk, picks up some papers, then
rolls over to a few steps.

CINDY
Would you like me to help you pass
them back?

DWIGHT
I don't need your help.

Dwight tips over in the wheelchair and falls hard against
the floor. Everyone is taken aback. Crawling, Dwight passes
out the papers. Everyone reaches down to collect one from
him.

PROFESSOR
You should arrive no later than 6PM
tonight, and plan to be there until
Monday. That's it for now. I'll see
you all this evening.

Class ends. Everyone exits. Buddy notices Cindy has left her
book. He grabs it and goes after her.

INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALL -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy catches up to Cindy.

BUDDY
Hey, you left your book back there.

CINDY
Thanks. I'm Cindy.

Buddy hands her the book. The cover reads "Dummies Guide to
the Paranormal."

BUDDY
So, I see you're really into spooks.

CINDY
No. I never date outside my race.

BUDDY
I meant you're into ghosts.

CINDY
Oh, yeah. I'm just curious about
that kind of stuff.

BUDDY
So it looks like we're going to be
spending the weekend together.

CINDY
Yeah.

BUDDY
Maybe we can study together or
something.

CINDY
I'm sorry, Buddy. You seem really
nice, but I'm just getting over a
really bad relationship, and I'm not
ready to start dating yet.

Buddy looks disappointed.

CINDY
But, hey, maybe we can be friends.

BUDDY
(excited)
Sure, that would be cool. Friends.

CINDY
(playfully)
Okay. See you later, friend.

She turns to walk away. Buddy notices the top of her panties,
grabs and yanks them up.

BUDDY
Wedgy!!!

Cindy hears the ripping sounds and feels the burn. She turns
to see Buddy running away.

BUDDY
Smell you later! Ha! Ha!

Cindy smiles.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY

A small car drives by.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy, singing along with the radio. She sounds terrible.
The song stops.

RADIO (V.O.)
Hey, will you shut the fuck up and
let me sing?!

Cindy, embarrassed, stops singing. The song starts up again.
Cindy checks the address as she drives up.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy's car makes it's way up a long driveway.

CUT TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy walks up carrying luggage.

CLOSE ON:

Door. Cindy grabs the knocker.

REVEAL:

The knocker is a set of balls hanging from a bronzed male
figure on the door. She slams them hard against the door.

No answer. She bangs the knocker again. Still no answer.
She pushed against the door. It opens, slowly.

CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy enters, walking through the house. She makes herself
at home, nosing into things she shouldn't and speaking in
general to no one.

CINDY
Hello?

She walks over to an answering machine and hits "play."

ANSWERING MACHINE
No new messages.

CINDY
Anybody home?

She puts that down and moves a couple of pieces on a chess
board.

CINDY
Checkmate. Hello?

She takes a bite off a half eaten sandwich and drinks the
last of a glass of milk.

CINDY
Hello?

She deliberately knocks over a domino and sets off an
elaborate carefully planned layout.

CINDY
Is anybody here?

She digs through the cushions of a chair and pockets some
change.

CINDY
I was told there'd be somebody here.

She opens a couple of pieces of mail and reads it, then...

CINDY
Hello? Your test results are in.

Cindy continues walking through a swinging door and finds
HANSON, a well-dressed man, middle-aged, with a short arm
and a little hand. He's in the middle of preparing food. He
holds a meat cleaver in his hand as he turns toward her.
Cindy is startled.

CINDY
Oh my God! I'm here with the...

HANSON
Yes, Professor Oldman's group. Forgive
me. I didn't mean to frighten you.

He puts down the cleaver, and moves his hand towards Cindy's
face.

HANSON
My aren't you a lovely child.

Hanson strokes her face. Cindy fakes a strained smile.

HANSON
(tapping her nose)
And what is your name?

Cindy, almost cross-eyed, watching his finger.

CINDY
I'm Cindy.

HANSON
(extending his hand)
I'm Hanson the caretaker.

Cindy reluctantly shakes his hand.

HANSON
I'll show you to your room. Let me
help you with that.

He grabs the luggage.

HANSON
Whoa, that's heavy. I better use my
strong hand.

He grabs the luggage with his little hand. The bag opens,
spilling all of Cindy's items over the floor.

HANSON
I'm so sorry. I'll get them.

As Hanson retrieves the items with his little hand; a
toothbrush, underwear, and other personal effects, Cindy
looks on in horror.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- LATER

A makeshift lab as been set-up with monitors and other high
tech equipment.

Dwight and the Professor discuss the project. Dwight is
wearing a brand new pair of roller blades.

DWIGHT
I have taken care of everything,
including medical supplies and blood
storage. We want to be safe.

PROFESSOR
Right. What about condoms?

DWIGHT
Professor!

PROFESSOR
Hey, you're the one who brought up
safety. I'm perfectly willing to go
in raw.

DWIGHT
Would you please focus?

PROFESSOR
Fine.
(then)
What's all this stuff?

DWIGHT
Well, this measures the amount of
thermal imbalance within a room down
to the tiniest molecular disturbances.

The Professor is distracted by a bank of monitors.

PROFESSOR
Are those cameras all throughout the
house?

DWIGHT
Yes, I thought that it would be best.

PROFESSOR
Even in the bathroom?

Dwight gestures to a monitor.

PROFESSOR
So, if one of our little chickadees
is taking a shower which one of these
buttons do I press to get a close-
up?

DWIGHT
(annoyed)
That one.

PROFESSOR
After dinner, you and I will take
shifts throughout the night. I don't
want to chance miss anything.

HANSON
Excuse me, sir, but the students
have started to arrive. Dinner will
be ready shortly.

DWIGHT
Thanks, handyman.

HANSON
I'm the caretaker, not the handyman.
(off Dwight's footwear)
Nice skates. Be careful. You don't
want to fall and break something.

Hanson exits before Dwight can respond.

PROFESSOR
I'm going to change for dinner.
I'll see you shortly.

DWIGHT
Sounds good. I'm just going to run
up to my room. Hop in the shower.
Jump into my jogging suit, and I'll
be right there.

The Professor exits.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT

Cindy enters. Ray, Shorty, Professor, Dwight, Alex, Brenda
and Buddy are all already gathered.

CINDY
(excitedly)
Hi guys.

GROUP
(barely noticing Cindy)
Hey. What's Up? Uh huh.

Theo enters the room. Everyone stares.

THEO
Hey guys!

GROUP
(excited)
Hi Theo!

Buddy approaches Cindy.

CINDY
(smiling)
Hi Buddy.

BUDDY
Open chest!!!

Buddy punches her in the chest. Cindy goes flying.

BUDDY
Gotta be quicker than that, "A-cup!"

Cindy staggers to her feet.

THEO
Well, are you boys just gonna stand
there with your mouths open, or is
somebody gonna offer me a seat?

Cindy sits just as Buddy unknowingly grabs the chair from
under her to give to Theo.

Cindy crashes to the floor.

THEO

Many chairs are pushed in front of her including Dwight's
wheelchair.

REVEAL:

Dwight sitting on Ray's lap.

DWIGHT
(referring to his
wheelchair)
It's the best seat in the house. I
warmed it up for you.

RAY
Second best.

Theo sits next to the Professor.

Cindy and Dwight reseat themselves.

CINDY
Professor, is this the same house
that a young girl was possessed by a
demon or something?

PROFESSOR
Yes, it was reported, but never
substantiated.

SHORTY
Yeah, just like that charges regarding
me and that blind Haitian girl.

BRENDA
Pass me the salt.

Brenda tosses a handful of salt over her shoulder. It goes
into Dwight's face.

DWIGHT
Hey, what are you doing?

BRENDA
Keepin' evil spirits away. And if
that don't work I always got this.

Brenda pulls out a gun and cocks it.

PROFESSOR
Not to worry. There's been no reported
activity in the house for over twenty
years.

DWIGHT
Let's not forget, folks, this is a
study on sleep disorders.

PROFESSOR
Ah, yes, which reminds me, who here
thinks they'd wake up if somebody
snuck into their room and started
sniffing between their legs?

Hanson rolls in a cart filled with a variety of food,
including a huge turkey.

BUDDY
Enough spooky stuff. Let's eat.

BRENDA
Well ain't we gonna bless this food
first?

ALEX
Allow me... God is good, God is great,
but not all the time. Sometimes he
could be a real asshole, because it
seems as though every time I try to
establish a relationship with him,
he never returns my calls. I've been
praying for twenty-four years and I
haven't heard his voice yet. Not one
message on my answering machine.
Your miracles don't impress me. It's
your quality time I want. So, if you
hear me, and I know you're up there,
thanks for the food. It's the least
you can do. In Jesus' name, don't
let me get started on him, Amen.

Alex looks up to see everyone staring in awe.

HANSON
Anyone care for appetizers?

Everyone chimes in their request.

Hanson removes the long napkin draped over his arm, revealing
his short arm and little hand with its stubby fingers. He
uses this hand to hold the tray of appetizers. He offers
some to the Professor.

HANSON
Finger food?

Hanson walks around the table with the tray, offering.
Everybody reaches to take one. They realize that the
appetizers look creepily like Hanson's fingers. Cindy breaks
the tension and reaches for a roll.

CINDY
How about these buns?

RAY
Yeah, they're so warm and soft.

BUDDY
Ray!!!

Ray pulls his finger from Buddy's ass. POP!

RAY
Oh, my bad.

HANSON
Sure, I'll just set them down and
you can help yourself.

Everyone grabs a roll. Cindy takes a big bite.

CINDY
Ummm!! They smell delicious.

HANSON
Thanks. I made them by hand.

Everyone drops their rolls. Cindy spits a mouthful into her
napkin.

HANSON
The potatoes are just about ready.
Let me just go whip them up real
good.

He whips the potatoes. His knuckles dip into the bowl,
covering them with potatoes. Hanson licks his knuckles.

HANSON
Ah, that's good. Dig in.

Hanson places the bowl on the table.

HANSON
And now for the turkey.

RAY
Say, what do you say you let me do
that? You just relax. You've done
enough.

HANSON
Oh, nonsense. It's my pleasure.

Hanson raises a large knife, then rests his little hand on
the turkey to hold it steady.

HANSON
You know, making a turkey is a real
art. The trick is in the stuffing. A
lot of people are afraid to get their
hands dirty. Not me. When I stuff
it, I like to get the whole hand up
in there. And you know I use a secret
ingredient in the stuffing...

Hanson pulls out a box of "HAMBURGER HELPLESS" with a crippled
white glove on the box.

Everyone moans. Their appetites, ruined as Hanson continues
to tear up the turkey.

HANSON
Who's first? Anyone like a wing?

DWIGHT
Yours, or the turkeys?

HANSON
I supposed you'd like a leg. How
about two?

DWIGHT
That's it. I'm gonna put my food in
your ass. I should warn you, I'm a
black belt in karate.

Dwight pulls out a picture of himself in karate outfit lying
on the floor with one leg up in a pose.

HANSON
You don't scare me. I was a Golden
Gloves champion.

Hanson pulls out his own picture of himself, shirtless in a
boxing pose with a regular glove and a miniature glove on
his little hand.

PROFESSOR
Relax, Dwight.
(then)
I got an idea.
(to Hanson)
Is there anything you didn't make?

HANSON
Well, the dessert. I ordered out.

PROFESSOR
Great. What do you say we just skip
the heavy stuff and go straight to
the dessert?

HANSON
Well, I guess if that's what you all
wish.

Hanson goes to retrieve the dessert. He returns with a large
cream pie.

Everyone smiles. Hanson cuts a piece, slowly. Everyone watches
to see if he'll put his hands in it. He doesn't.

Hanson places the pie on Cindy's plate.

Cindy smiles. She's about to take a bite when Buddy sticks
his finger in the pie.

BUDDY
My germs!

He takes the pie from Cindy, but before he can take a bite
Dwight sticks his finger in the pie.

DWIGHT
My germs! Ha, ha!

Everyone laughs.

The professor reaches to cut himself a piece of pie when...

Hanson shoves his finger in the pie.

HANSON
My germs! Ha, ha!

Everyone tosses down their napkins and gets up from the table.

HANSON
(licking his fingers)
Funny, I always win that game.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

Everyone gathers around the fireplace, enjoying after dinner
beverages.

THEO

She stands behind the bar, mixing drinks for the guys.

THEO
What can I get for you, boys?

SHORTY
Yo, I'll take a "Sex on the Beach."

THEO
Professor?

PROFESSOR
Make mine a "Screaming Orgasm."

THEO
Ray, what do you want?

RAY
Balls on My Chin...
(off their reactions)
What, you out of "Bacardi?" Fine,
give me a "Mud Slide."

Theo gets behind the bar and begins to entertain everyone
with a nice display of bottle tossing. She is flipping bottles
of alcohol behind her back, under her arms, between her legs.
She then jumps on top of the bar and lays on her back and
starts spinning the bottles on her big tits!

CINDY
Professor, what's the history of
this house?

PROFESSOR
I'm glad you asked. It actually makes
for a pretty good bedtime story.

The Professor picks up a children's book. "This Old Haunted
House." He sits in front of the fireplace.

PROFESSOR
Gather around.

Everyone gathers around the fireplace.

PROFESSOR
This house was built in 1898 by a
man named Archibald Keaton as a gift
to his wife, Cora.

BRENDA
Yes, I feel their spirits. Cora...
Keaton... I am here to communicate...

PROFESSOR
No, they sold the house in 1920 to a
millionaire, Uriah Bloodworth.

BRENDA
Yes, of course, Uriah. I feel his
evil presence.

PROFESSOR
No, he lost the house after the stock
market crash.

BRENDA
But he could still be haunting the
house. He's angry that he had to
leave.

PROFESSOR
He's not dead, you idiot. He lives
in Florida. Now, shut up and let me
finish.

Brenda, sheepishly, sits down. NEW ANGLE:

GHOST'S POV of the group.

It moves slowly towards them.

PROFESSOR
Anyway, the last owner was a very
rich man who built his empire off
the blood and sweat of the people in
this town. He lived like a king until
one day the servants of the house
killed him.

A log in the fireplace snaps, startling everyone.

BRENDA
I think there's more to the story.
I can feel something evil in the
house. It's all around. In the wall,
the floor, this piano...

She strums the wire keys. One snaps and smacks her in the
head.

BRENDA
Ouch!!

CINDY
Brenda, are you okay? Come sit.

BRENDA
No, you don't understand. It's here
in these statues...

She touches two statues, holding lights. They smash her in
the head. She staggers over to a Cuckoo clock.

BRENDA
This clock...

The clock strikes twelve. The bird shoots out and pecks her
in the face. She falls into a mirror.

BRENDA
This mirror...

Her own reflection punches her in the face.

Brenda sails against the wall. She sees a collection of swords
and knives displayed on the wall.

BRENDA
These...

The knives start to rumble.

GROUP
NO!!!

BRENDA
You're right. Not in the knives.

She turns to see on the adjacent wall, antique guns.

BRENDA
It's in the guns.

BLAM! The gun fires. Brenda goes down.

DWIGHT
My God! Is she dead?

PROFESSOR
No, they're just powder burns, thank
God. They were empty. Get her
upstairs.

ALEX
Maybe this house is possessed.

PROFESSOR
No such thing. What you all witnessed
was psychosomatic, purely self-induced
reactions brought on by hysteria.
Now I want everyone to get some rest.
We will start our testing in the
morning.

CUT TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT

The wind howls. Doors and windows rattle. A full moon shines
overhead.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- NIGHT

The Professor speaks into a tape recorder.

PROFESSOR
The group responded beyond
expectation. Cindy and Brenda seemed
most susceptible to the suggestion
of horror. Brenda exhibiting both
delusion and hysteria. Group fear
should manifest itself and intensify
as the night progresses.

Dwight is reviewing the video tapes from earlier. He notices
an image on the tape.

DWIGHT
Professor, I think you should see
this.

PROFESSOR
What is it? Some tits? A beaver shot?
What?

DWIGHT
No, these are the tapes from the
living room. Check this out.

Dwight rewinds the tape. We see Brenda being attacked.

DWIGHT
The image there.

PROFESSOR
Are you sure it's not the tape?

DWIGHT
I don't think so. It's on all the
cameras, and check this out. The
thermal readings inside the house
dropped ten degrees when the image
was recorded.

PROFESSOR
Congratulations, Dwight, it's begun.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- LATER

Cindy walks past a bird cage. She notices the little bird is
dead.

CINDY
Oh no, little bird.

Cindy gently removes the bird from his cage.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy enters, lifts up the toilet seat, and is about to flush
the little bird when Shorty walks in holding a cigar box.

SHORTY
Oh, my bad.

He notices the bird.

SHORTY
Aww, the little bird died.

CINDY
Yeah, I didn't know what else to do.

SHORTY
(looking at the cigar
box)
Hey, I got an idea.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER

CLOSE ON:

Open cigar box.

We see little bones being tossed into the box.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL:

Cindy and Shorty eating the fried bird.

CINDY
That was a great idea, Shorty.

SHORTY
I told you it would taste just like
chicken.

Cindy and Shorty finish eating, and toss the final bones in
the box. Cindy closes the box, She notices something strange
in the kitchen.

NEW ANGLE:

All the cabinet doors are open and the chairs are stacked on
the table.

CINDY
(to Shorty)
Did you do that?

SHORTY
Uh, uh.

CINDY
You better go get Dwight and the
Professor.

Shorty exits.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty returns with the Professor and Dwight.

Cindy finishes drawing something on the floor.

PROFESSOR
Alright, Cindy, what's so important?

CINDY
Professor, you guys gotta see this.
Dwight, come here.

Cindy grabs Dwight's chair, places him in a circle on the
floor. In front of the circle are arrows pointing to the
wall.

DWIGHT
What the hell are you doing?

CINDY
Just wait, you'll see.

A BEAT

Dwight's chair moves by itself, slamming Dwight head first
into the wall.

CINDY
(excited)
Yippie! Wasn't that amazing?

PROFESSOR
It's some kind of energy field. We
better record this.

CINDY
Got my camera right here.

Professor grabs Dwight's chair. Dwight is still dazed as he
is placed back in the circle. Again, his chair flies forward,
slamming him into the wall.

CINDY
I got it!

PROFESSOR
That's fantastic. Our first
phenomenon. This is going to be a
great weekend. You guys better get
some sleep. Dwight and I will take
over from here.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK HALLWAY -- LATER

GHOST POV:

It moves through the hallway to Theo's room.

INT. THEO'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Ghost CAM finds Theo sitting at the vanity table removing
her makeup.

Theo senses something. She looks around.

THEO
Hello, hello?

She shrugs and continues to remove her make-up.

Theo notices a pimple.

THEO
Damn.

SPLAT!!! Goo hits the mirror as she pops the pimple.

GHOST'S REACTION.

Theo reaches for a brush. As she looks down the mirror is
tipped-up by the ghost. She doesn't notice.

Theo looks up and notices something else. There's a booger
in her nose.

THEO
Oh, my. How long has that been there?

She picks her nose and flicks the booger.

The booger lands on the ghost. We see it shaking wildly as
the ghost tries to get it off.

Theo lifts her foot up and cracks her toes. She examines her
feet.

THEO
Oh, I need a pedicure.

She looks on the table for something.

THEO
Shit, forgot my clippers. Aw, fuck
it.

She raises her foot to her mouth and bites her toenail.

GHOST (V.O.)
Ugh.

THEO
Huh? Who said that?

Theo gets up and locks her door.

Not knowing the ghost is behind her, she turns and faces
him.

GHOST POV:

Theo unhooks her bra.

CLOSE ON:

The bra. As it hits the floor we see two false breasts fall
out.

REVEAL:

Theo's real breasts are saggy.

Theo scratches her breasts under, on top, and around the
nipples until she's satisfied.

THEO
Ahhh, that's better.

She walks past the ghost still scratching, this time under
her arm.

THEO
Whew, not fresh are we?

By now, the ghost is ready to give up. From his POV we see
he doesn't follow Theo.

Theo bends over to get something out of her bag.

GHOST POV:

Theo's perfect ass.

He makes his move.

The Ghost CAMERA moves in on Theo's ass.

Just as he's about to attack, Theo farts, loudly, releasing
a translucent green gas that makes the ghost sickened face
visible for an instant.

The Ghost, waving in front of his nose.

THEO
Whew. I was holding that one in all
day.

She stands and turns. We see she's holding a box of tampons.

That's it. The ghost takes off running, slamming the door
behind him.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT

Cindy is walking to her bedroom.

Suddenly, she hears someone whispering her name.

VOICE
Cindy... Cindy Cindy.

She stops and listens.

VOICE
Cindy... Cindy...

CINDY
Who is it? Who are you?

VOICE
Help us Cindy. Help us.

CINDY
Help you how?

VOICE
Check the music room.

The voice disappears.

CINDY
Where are you?

NEW ANGLE:

Buddy, walking down the hallway, tossing a football in the
air, sees Cindy.

BUDDY
Hey Cindy.

She turns.

BUDDY
Think fast.

Buddy fires the football.

BONK!!! The ball beans Cindy right in the head. She goes
down.

Buddy approaches.

BUDDY
Dude, you suck.

Cindy staggers to her feet.

CINDY
You know, Buddy, about this friendship
thing...

BUDDY
Yeah, it's great, isn't it. I think
it's so cool... have a girl as a
friend.

CINDY
That's just it, Buddy. I'm a girl.
You can't be so rough with me.

BUDDY
Then what kinda stuff can we do?

CINDY
Gentle stuff like talking, sharing
thoughts and ideas, secrets and past
experiences. Stuff like that, you
know.

BUDDY
It sounds gay, but guess since you're
a girl it's okay, huh?

CINDY
Yeah, it will be fine. I wanna check
something out. Will you come with
me?

BUDDY
(sweetly)
Sure. We can practice talking.

CINDY
(smiling)
Okay.

INT. MUSIC ROOM -- SHORT TIME LATER

Cindy and Buddy enter. Buddy's in the middle of a story.

BUDDY
So, this hot Spanish chick is licking
my balls and I'm fingerbanging her,
right, just then...

Cindy, annoyed.

CINDY
Buddy...

BUDDY
Wait, I'm just about to tell you the
best part.

Cindy notices something on the floor.

CINDY
Oh my God. Look.

Bloodied footprints.

BUDDY
Dude, somebody's on the rag.

CINDY
Shhh!

Buddy and Cindy follow the footsteps.

They lead to a secret passage.

Cindy opens it to REVEAL a secret room.

CUT TO:

INT. SECRET STUDY -- CONTINUOUS

It's an old, dark creepy study. Shelves of dust covered with
books, several paintings on the wall, an old wooden desk.

CINDY
It must be a private study, or
something.

Cindy finds an old newspaper.

Headline: "Servants Kill Hugh Kane." There's a picture of
HUGH KANE and an article on the killing.

CINDY
There's more to the story of this
house than the Professor told us. It
says here that Hugh Kane had a wife
who died mysteriously a week before
the servants killed him.

Buddy looks at the painting on the wall. He wipes away the
dust exposing the face.

The painting is of a woman. It looks like Cindy. She's wearing
a pendant around her neck.

BUDDY
Whoa, check this out. She looks like
you.

CINDY
Wow, she's beautiful. You really
think she looks like me?

BUDDY
Her hair doesn't have as many split
ends at yours. Her skin isn't as
oily as yours, either. Also, sometimes
your eyes get kinda squinty and they
look like you might have Down's
Syndrome or something. Otherwise the
resemblance is uncanny.

Cindy is feeling terrible about herself now. For a moment we
think the criticism is done.

BUDDY
Oh yeah... another difference is she
looks more sophisticated and classy.
More feminine. And her tits are
perfect. Not pointy and funny looking,
or spaced too far apart...

CINDY
(annoyed)
Alright!

Cindy finds a small chest, ornately decorated. The name
"Carolyn" inscribed on it.

CINDY
Buddy, look at this. I think it
belonged to her.

Suddenly, a loud noise.

Cindy and Buddy nearly jump out of their skin.

REVEAL:

A BLACK CAT.

BUDDY
Come on, let's get out of here.
This place is giving me the creeps.

Cindy grabs the chest and they exit.

INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

The room is dark. The only light is the moonlight. Brenda
stirs in bed. Ray is next to her.

RAY
Shhh... It's okay.

BRENDA
Ray, have you been here all this
time?

RAY
I just wanted to make sure you were
okay.

BRENDA
I'm fine. Just a few bruises.

RAY
So, I guess I can go now.

BRENDA
No, stay.

RAY
You sure?

BRENDA
Yeah, I think I'll feel better
sleeping in the arms of a strong
man.

RAY
Yeah, me too.

Brenda gives a confused look.

BRENDA
I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be
right back.

Brenda exits.

Ray sits on the bed for a moment. He notices a clown doll
sitting in a rocking chair across the room. The moonlight
gives the clown face an eerie glow.

Ray takes off his shirt and tosses it at the clown, covering
its face an causing the chair to rock.

Ray gets down and does a few push-ups.

CLOSE ON:

The door. A fog-like mist comes into the room. Ray feels a
chill and checks the thermostat.

RAY
Damn, it's cold.

Ray goes to retrieve his shirt. He notices the clown is gone.

Ray looks around and doesn't see the clown doll anywhere.

Suddenly, a rustling noise comes from under the bed.

Ray's breathing, quickens. He knows where he must now look.
Ray slowly lowers himself head first to the floor of the
bed, in preparation to look under it.

He very, very carefully lifts the dust ruffle and lets the
top of his head touch the rug. Ray is upside-down as he looks
into the darkness under his bed.

Under the bed. The clown is there, face to face with him,
smiling sardonically.

In the split-second it takes for a child to draw a breath
and let it out through the vocal chords, the clown wraps its
five foot extension arms around Ray's neck, cutting off half
his air.

WIDE ANGLE HIGH.

Struggling now for his life, Ray is dragged helplessly under
the bed and out of sight. Under the bed we hear a struggle,
followed by the evil laugh of the clown.

CLOWN DOLL (V.O.)
Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!

RAY (V.O.)
Oh, you want to play!

We hear more struggling.

CLOWN DOLL (V.O.)
Hey, stop that? Homey don't play
that.

The clown attempts to climb from under the bed, only to be
dragged back under by Ray. Now we hear Ray laughing,
maniacally.

RAY (V.O.)
Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!

CLOWN DOLL (V.O.)
No! No! Noooooo!!!

INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Brenda enters to find Ray out of breath, and buckling his
pants.

BRENDA
Are you okay? I thought I heard
screaming.

RAY
Oh, I'm fine... just clowning around.

ANGLE ON:

The clown doll. His pants are down by his ankles. His head
turns to the camera. His smile is gone, replaced by a frown.
A single tear is running down his face.

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

The window blows open. Curtains flutter in the wind.

Alex sleeping. Her head back, her mouth open. She snores,
lightly, unaware of the presence in the room. A breeze brushes
past her causing her hair to move. Alex remains asleep.

CLOSE ON:

ALEX

The ghost pulls up her t-shirt to reveal a pair of perfect
breasts.

Her breasts get squeezed at the base, and bulge out like
water balloons, but she still doesn't wake up.

The GHOST continues kissing her neck.

Alex moans, still sleeping.

CLOSE ON:

ALEX'S FACE

Her mouth opens wider. We see a growing indentation in her
cheek as if something is going in and out of her mouth.

Suddenly, Alex's eyes open. She sits up and tries to speak.

ALEX
Mmph! Mmph!

The back of her head stretches to the shape of a penis.

Alex struggles with the force, finally breaking free.

ALEX
Somebody help! Help!

The ghost pins her to the bed and attacks her. Throwing her
arms over her head, Alex screams.

ALEX
(startled)
Ah!

Then throwing her legs behind her head, she screams again.

ALEX
Oh! Okay.

The ghost starts fucking Alex. He's very rough and dominate.

ALEX
(intrigued)
Oh, my God. Yes! Yes!

The ghost drags her up the wall and over a portrait of a
solemn looking man.

Then Alex's butt slides over his face and the man is now
smiling.

The ghost drags her across the ceiling and crashes her head
into the light fixture.

The sexual Olympics continue as she spider-walks down the
wall and is dragged across the floor, smoke comes up from
beneath her.

ALEX
Oooh. Oooh. Rug burn. Rug burn.

The ghost gets Alex back to the bed and flips her over to
reveal tire skid marks down her back.

Still the sexcapades continue.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS

The bedroom window is totally fogged over when Alex's hand
hits it and slides down the glass ala TITANIC.

CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Suddenly, it stops as quickly as it begun.

Alex lays disheveled on the bed.

ALEX
(desperate)
Call me.

The door slams.

Alex lights a cigarette.

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Cindy, sitting in bed, trying to open the chest. She is
startled by the sound of the door creaking open.

CINDY
(nervous)
Who's there?

The black cat enters. Cindy gives a sigh of relief.

CINDY
Hey, kitty, kitty. How you doin'
girl?

The cat pauses and gives her the finger by flicking his claw
out with the gesture.

CINDY
Huh?

Suddenly, the cat attacks grabbing and scratching her throat.

Cindy tosses the cat off and jumps to her feet.

The cat lands and pounces right back.

Cindy catches it and throws it down harder, sending it
crashing into a table which smashes into pieces.

Cindy and the cat circle each other.

The cat grabs a bottle from the table, breaks it, holding
the jagged side out towards Cindy.

The cat jumps on Cindy, knocks her to the floor, pinning her
down. The cat tries to shove the broken bottle into Cindy's
face.

Cindy, desperately, holds back the cat's paw. Her teeth
gritting with effort.

Cindy slowly turns the bottle towards the cat, who now looks
worried.

Cindy makes her move, flipping the cat over. Now, she's on
top pushing the bottle close to the cat's throat.

The cat gives a huge effort and shoves Cindy off of itself.

Fighting dirty, the cat reaches into its litter box and throws
some of the sand in Cindy's eyes. The cat then picks up a
chair and breaks it over Cindy's head, then jumps on her
back and tries to strangle her with piano wire. But Cindy
manages to flip the cat forward over her shoulder.

Cindy runs into the bathroom and locks herself inside.

CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Kitty's paws reach for her from beneath the door.

REVEAL:

His eye peeking through the keyhole.

Suddenly, an ax chops through the door making a big enough
hole for the kitty to reach in and turn the knob.

CINDY
(screaming)
Somebody help me!

Cindy is desperate. She looks for anything that might save
her. Cindy grabs a ball of yarn.

CINDY
Here, kitty, kitty. Look...

Cindy plays with the yarn.

The cat can't resist. He wants the yarn.

CINDY
Go get it.

Cindy tosses the ball of yarn, it flies out the window. The
cat leaps after it, falling to its death.

CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy staggers out of the bathroom, bloodied clothes torn.

Theo rushes to her.

THEO
Are you okay?

CINDY
I think so.

THEO
Come on. We better get you cleaned
up.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT -- SHORT TIME LATER

Theo tends to Cindy's wounds. The professor pours a cup of
tea.

CINDY
I'm telling you, it was possessed.

PROFESSOR
Theo, did you see the animal?

THEO
No, I just heard the commotion, and
when I got there I guess it was gone.

CINDY
What, you think I did this to myself?

PROFESSOR
No, I'm just saying cats are known
to be very territorial animals, and
it is likely it did attack, but it
doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe
the two of you should sleep together.

CINDY
What are you getting at, Professor?

PROFESSOR
Only that if this cat did attack,
he's less likely to come back if the
two of you were, let's say, together.
Come on, it's college. Time for you
two to experiment.

THEO
Cindy, I don't think we're going to
get any help here.

PROFESSOR
Actually, I'd be more than willing
to walk you through it.

THEO
Come, Cin, I'll make sure you're
tucked in.

Theo and Cindy rise to exit.

PROFESSOR
Good idea, and don't forget to give
her a good-night kiss.

CINDY
There's something going on in this
house. I'm not crazy.

CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy enters and says good-night to Theo.

THEO
Good-night, Cin. I'll be next door
if you need me.

CINDY
Thanks, I'll be fine.

Cindy closes the door and walks to her bed. She notices a
picture has fallen off the night stand.

Cindy places it back on the nightstand.

Cindy turns to climb into bed when she hears the picture
fall again. This time the frame breaks, revealing a key hidden
in the frame.

Cindy examines the key. She gets an idea.

Cindy retrieves the chest she found in the secret study form
beneath her bed. She places the key in the hole and turns
it.

The chest opens.

Cindy finds several items.

Pictures of Carolyn.

A diary.

An old fashioned dildo.

The pendant worn by Carolyn in the photos.

Cindy walks to the mirror, slowly placing the pendant around
her neck. She looks up into the mirror. Her eyes have a
strange look. She slowly turns and looks at the bedroom door.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- LATER THAT NIGHT

The refrigerator door opens. We see the Professor looking
for a snack. He grabs an apple.

REVEAL:

Cindy wearing a sexy red dress ala "Michelle Pfeiffer."

CINDY
Hello, Professor.

He smiles.

PROFESSOR
Hello, Cindy...

She shakes her head.

CINDY
Forbidden fruit.

She takes the apple.

CINDY
Got a problem with that?

PROFESSOR
Yeah, bitch, give me my apple. What's
gotten into you?

He snatches the apple back.

Cindy walks over to a basket of fruit on the counter and
picks up a banana.

Provocatively, she peels it and, looking deep in his eyes,
she slips the banana into her mouth, sliding it in and out
simulating a blow job. Suddenly, the banana breaks off in
her throat and she starts to choke on it. She turns red,
gagging and coughing.

CINDY
Gock -- gock -- gock...

Finally, realizing that something is wrong, the Professor
runs over to her and does the Heimlich on her. She finally
spits up a big chunk of banana and it plops on the floor.

Recovering, she sits back down on the stairs, continuing her
seduction. She picks up a whole pineapple and starts licking
it sexually and finally shoves the whole thing in her mouth,
again simulating a blow job.

ANGLE ON:

THE PROFESSOR

He's getting back in the mood, getting turned on again.

PROFESSOR
Ooo, yes.

ANGLE ON:

CINDY

She drops the pineapple and picks up a watermelon, shoving
that in her mouth -- stretching out her mouth and face,
insanely. She slides it in and out of her mouth.

ANGLE ON:

THE PROFESSOR

PROFESSOR
Ohh... mmm...

Satisfied that the Professor is well turned on, Cindy drops
the watermelon. She then grabs a lit candle and struts to
the kitchen steps where she sits and places the candle between
her legs.

The Professor watches, seductively.

Cindy spreads her legs, lifts the front of her dress. A strong
gust of air comes from between her legs, blowing out the
candle. The wind is so strong, it begins to blow papers and
the Professor back.

CINDY
There. That's better.

Cindy gets up and walks over to the Professor. Only the desk
stands between them. Cindy grabs him by his tie, choking him
as she pulls him up onto the table.

PROFESSOR
I take it you're not mad at me.

CINDY
I wouldn't go that far.

She grabs his belt and pulls him into her, then holds the
apple to his mouth. He takes a bite and she mashes it hard
into his mouth, then pulls it out along with his dentures.

He quickly pops them back into his mouth.

Cindy rips open his shirt to reveal unusually large nipples
for a man.

Then unbuckling his belt and pants to reveal an adult diaper
underneath.

She pushes him back onto the desk and straddles him.

PROFESSOR
I don't like this, this...

CINDY
(pinning him down)
Why don't you shut up, Professor?
Just relax.

Cindy reaches her hand down the Professor's pants. She feels
something then stops and stares deeply into the Professor's
eyes.

CINDY
I think she's starting to suspect
something?

PROFESSOR
(Confused)
Who?

Suddenly, Cindy's face turns into RAY'S FACE.

RAY
Your wife!

The Professor screams, then pushed RAY off him. He gets up
from the desk and starts fixing his pants and runs out of
the room.

ANGLE ON:

Cindy's face as it morphs back.

CINDY
Oh, my God. It happened right here.
She came home. She saw them.

PROFESSOR
Saw who?!

CINDY
Don't touch me!!

Cindy passes out.

Dwight rushes in, sees the Professor, his pants by his ankles,
and Cindy unconscious on the floor.

DWIGHT
What the hell?!

PROFESSOR
It's not what is looks like. She's
having a breakdown. Help me get her
to her room.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- THE NEXT DAY

Clouds and an overcast sky set a dark mood over Hell House.
The grey skies tell us a storm is brewing.

CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy, coming down the main stairs notices the Professor
duck behind a door.

Buddy investigates, following the Professor.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy slowly creeps down the steps. He peeks around the
corner, keeping the Professor in sight. Buddy sees the
Professor enter the lab.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT
Professor, we need to talk.

PROFESSOR
What is it, Dwight?

DWIGHT
I think we should consider cutting
the experiment short.

PROFESSOR
What?

DWIGHT
The force in this house is far greater
than I anticipated. In one night I
recorded cold spots, shifting magnetic
fields, the E.U.P. is picking up
white sounds everywhere.

PROFESSOR
That's why we came here, remember?

DWIGHT
Yes, but I've seen the tapes. This
poltergeist is becoming increasingly
more violent. We all could be in
danger. I say we pull the plug.

PROFESSOR
Whoa, Dwight, I say when we pull the
plug. Get a hold of yourself. Dwight,
we're on the verge of greatness and
I'm about this close to getting laid.
Now, the bus will be here on Monday.
Until then no one leaves.

CLOSE ON:

BUDDY

He's been listening to everything.

PROFESSOR
Now, here are the keys to the gate
and the cell phone. No one gets access
to either, understand?

Dwight nods yes.

CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty is watering the seed plant. It is a tremendous size.
It's as tall as a tree.

Shorty closes a window, and climbs into bed.

He reached over and sets his digital alarm clock to wake him
at "C.P. Time."

Next, he pulls back the covers on his bed and pops a gold
tooth out of his mouth. He then places it in a little
drawstring bag marked "Tooth Fairy" and puts it under his
pillow.

Finally, he closes his eyes.

Suddenly, he's awakened by the sound of rattling chains and
creaking floors.

SHORTY
I can't sleep like this.

He pops a tape marked "Ghetto Lullabies" into his radio and
pushes the play button.

The sounds of gun fire, police sirens, and a WOMAN screaming
are heard.

WOMAN (V.O.)
They done killed my baby! Why Lord?!
Why?

SHORTY
Ah, that's better.

Shorty tries to sleep, but just tosses and turns.

SHORTY
I know what I need.

Shorty finds a joint and lights up.

CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Alex is now pacing the floor, smoking a cigarette, pissed
off. She goes over to her "Ouija Board" and begins to try
summoning the ghost.

ALEX
(moving the arrow
along the board)
Hello?... Ghost?... Baby, are you
there?... I've been waiting on you
for almost ten minutes now! Where
are you?

CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty, sitting up, totally stoned, talking to a "Wilson"
volleyball.

The rest of this scene to come.

CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Alex is now sitting on her knees in the middle of a circle
of candles. She's chanting as she rocks back and forth.

ALEX
Oh, ghost of the night, I beseech
thee. Oh fickle fleeting ghost of
the night, I beseech thee.

Still no response.

ALEX
(pissed)
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

She begins to tear up the room.

Smashing lamps and vases against the wall.

Ripping his portrait down and kicking it with her foot.

Tearing the feathers out of her pillows with her bare hands.

CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty lies in his bed, totally paranoid. His eyes wide with
fear. Every sound makes him jump.

Suddenly, there's a bolt of lightning, and it begins to rain.

SHORTY
Ahhh!!!!!!

Shorty jumps out of bed and runs around the room looking for
the volleyball.

SHORTY
Wilson! Wilson! Wilson!

CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Alex is sitting in a corner, her hair a mess, her make-up
running. An empty wine bottle and glass, along with an ashtray
filled with half-smoked cigarettes are at her feet.

MUSIC CUE:

THE SOUNDTRACK FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY" PLAYS.

Alex, staring straight ahead, flicking the light on and off.
She is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."

CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty, still counting, is interrupted by another flash of
lightning, and rumbling of thunder. The lightning illuminates
the weed plant, giving it an ominous shape.

Shorty, terrified, clutches the volleyball.

SHORTY
One one thousand. Two one thousand.
Three one thousand.

Suddenly, the weed plant comes to life. Its limbs smash the
window as it reaches in and grabs Shorty.

Shorty screams.

Ray, Buddy, and Brenda enter.

They see the plant using the sheet like rolling papers rolling
Shorty into a human joint.

They all rush to help him.

CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy is reading Carolyn's journal.

CAROLYN (V.O.)
Tonight, Hugh and I made love for
the first time. Ha, ha, ha, talk
about little. I can't take living
with him any longer. He's becoming a
monster. Darkness is all around us.
Poor Hanson died today; burned alive
in the furnace. They say it was an
accident, but...

Cindy closes the journal.

CINDY
Oh, my God!

Suddenly, her door slams.

CLOSE ON:

Cindy's closet. A bright light begins to glow inside. Cindy
sees the light. She sits up. Suddenly, her bedroom door slams
shut.

A huge wind starts to suck the items in the room into the
closet.

Cindy grabs the headboard at the bed and starts to yell for
help.

CINDY
Help! somebody help!

CUT TO:

INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

A bolt of lightning strikes the tip of the human joint,
lightning the tip on fire.

SHORTY
Help! Help! He's trying to smoke me,
son!

Ray and Buddy grab Shorty and pull him to safety, just as
the plant is sucked out of the window, into the night.

Just when they think it's over, they hear the sound of Cindy
screaming.

BRENDA
Oh my God, Cindy!

CUT TO:

INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy clings for dear life to the bed as BAM! Alex kicks in
the door just as Cindy's panties slide down to her ankles.

ALEX
You cheating son of a bitch! Touch
her and I'll make sure that's the
last piece of possession you have.
(ALTERNATE)
You son of a bitch! Oh, what you
gonna play like this? I know you
didn't do that!

The wind stops, dropping an unconscious Cindy to the bed.

ALEX
What, one woman isn't enough for
you? Must you channel every girl in
this house? How would you like it if
I fucked another ghost, huh?

Heavy invisible footsteps make their way to the door.

ALEX
Where do you think you're going?
This isn't finished. That's just
like you, every time things get
serious you disappear.

The door opens and slams shut as Alex continues to scream
after him.

ALEX
Don't forget! I know where you rot!
(then to herself)
Selfish bastard. All you entities
are the same.

Enter Buddy and Dwight.

BUDDY
What happened here?

ALEX
Ask your poltergeist stealing whore!

Alex storms out.

DWIGHT
She's in shock. We have to get her
in a tub of water.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Buddy places Cindy in the tub, turns on the water, and
splashes some in her face.

Dwight checks her pulse.

DWIGHT
She's okay. She won't be able to
move for awhile. Her body has to
recover from the trauma. Just leave
her here.

Buddy and Dwight exit.

CLOSE ON:

The tub faucet still running.

CLOSE ON:

The drain plug. It closes shut. The tub starts to fill with
water.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy is still in the tub. As her eyes open. Terror crosses
her face.

The bath water is rising above her chest.

CLOSE ON:

Cindy's hand. She can barely move a finger.

CLOSE ON:

Cindy's foot. she wiggles it over to the chain holding the
plug.

The bath water is now at Cindy's mouth.

Cindy lifts the chain with her foot, then slams down her
heel up-ending the drain plug.

Relief... until she realizes the water is still rising.

Her foot digs down the drain and pulls out a clump of hair.

Water at her eyes and still rising.

Her foot hops out of the tub and grabs a plunger.

The foot plunges the drain. Still nothing. Water rising.

Cindy, head tipped back. All we see is nostrils.

Water spills out of the tub and onto the floor.

Cindy's foot grabs a pen and paper, writes a note, stuff it
in a bottle, and then tosses the bottle into the spilled
water.

The bottle floats away.

CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- (OR WHATEVER ROOM EASIEST TO DO THIS GAG) --

Water pours in the room around the group's feet.

RAY
I say we leave now.

Everyone agrees.

BRENDA
Wait. I'm sensing someone else in
danger.

CRASH!!! A bottle smashes across Brenda's head.

SHORTY
(holding a broken
bottle)
Don't start that shit again!

The note falls out of the bottle.

ALEX
Look, a note.

BUDDY
(reading note)
"Help, I'm drowning -- Cindy."

GROUP
Cindy!!!

They all rush to the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy, totally submerged, staring fare to face with a whale.
Suddenly, she is lifted out of the tub.

BUDDY
You okay?

Cindy nods "yes."

BUDDY
Now we got everybody. Let's get out
of here.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- A SHORT TIME LATER

ALEX

She sings a happy tune as she cooks breakfast.

Cindy, Ray, Theo, and Brenda gather around the island. Shorty
enters.

SHORTY
Damn, it smells good.

He reaches for a piece of bacon. Alex slaps his hand.

ALEX
That's for someone special.

SHORTY
I'm glad somebody got laid.

Alex smiles.

ALEX
I never kiss and tell.

ANGLE ON:

THE ISLAND

Shorty joins the group.

(Note: During this scene, no one is paying attention to Alex)

SHORTY
Yo, there's some freaky shit in this
house. Y'all hear that loud banging
and screaming?

ALEX
(giggles)
Sorry about that.

CINDY
Brenda was right. There's more to
the story than the Professor told
us. I found a secret room. It had
all these news clippings about Hugh
Kane. He was a very evil man.

ALEX
(talking to the sky)
Ah, they just don't know you the way
I do.

CINDY
I found a picture of his wife.

ALEX
Wife?!

Alex grabs the plates of food and throws them in the trash.

ALEX
Let that bitch make you breakfast.

Cindy passes the picture to Theo.

THEO
Wow! She looks just like you... except
she doesn't have as many split ends
as you and her skin isn't as oily.

Theo passes the picture to Ray.

RAY
Yeah, and sometimes your eyes get
all squinty and it looks like you
got Down's Syndrome.

Brenda takes the picture from Ray.

BRENDA
Yeah, girl, damn near twins... except
she's more sophisticated and classy.
You got that cute, trailer park look.

Brenda shows the picture to Shorty.

SHORTY
No doubt... and her tits are perfect,
not at all pointy or funny looking.
You got them National Geographic
orangutan titties.

Cindy snatches the picture back.

CINDY
Okay, I get the point.

THEO
So, whatever happened to her?

CINDY
She killed herself a week before he
died.

ALEX
Oh, he was a widower. Why didn't you
say that?...
(addressing the sky)
Don't worry, sweetie, I can whip up
a new batch in a flash.

CINDY
I think he wants me.

ALEX
Ha! Right bitch!

Everyone looks at Alex.

THEO
Cindy, that does sound a little crazy.

Buddy enters.

BUDDY
She's not crazy. I saw the picture,
and I'll tell you guys something
else, the Professor is up to
something. Him and Dwight got a whole
lab set up in the basement. We're
here for an experiment, alright, but
it ain't insomnia. I heard Dwight
tell the Professor there's a
poltergeist in this house and we
could be in danger.

THEO
What? I'm getting outta here.

BUDDY
We can't leave. The gates are locked
and Dwight is the only one with the
keys.

THEO
Don't worry. Give me five minutes
alone with Dwight. I'll get the keys.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- LATER

Dwight, working on equipment, is distracted. Theo, standing
in the doorway, dressed very sexy.

THEO
Hello Dwight.

DWIGHT
Hi.

Theo swaggers over to Dwight.

THEO
What are you working on?

DWIGHT
Just a little experiment.

Theo rubs his shoulders.

THEO
Work, work, work. Is that all that
you do?

DWIGHT
Well, there's a lot riding on this
project.

Theo straddles Dwight.

THEO
The Professor might have everyone
else fooled, but I know who the real
brains of the operation is.

DWIGHT
You do.

THEO
That's what turns me on about you,
Dwight. You're so smart.

DWIGHT
And sexy.

THEO
Of course. So sexy.

She runs her fingers through his hair.

THEO
Ooh, you hair is so soft and silky.
What do you use on it?

DWIGHT
Just a little Rogaine.

Theo notices clumps of Dwight's hair has fallen out into her
hands. She wipes it on his shirt.

THEO
And those sexy eyes.

She removes Dwight's glasses.

CLOSE ON:

Dwight's eyes, both looking in different directions. He has
no muscle control.

Theo quickly puts on his glasses.

THEO
What do you say we put on some music?

Theo turns on the radio.

She turns to a station.

SONG ONE "WALK ON BY..."

She quickly changes the station.

SONG TWO "WALK THIS WAAAY!..."

Again, she changes the station.

SONG THREE "THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING..."

Theo turns off the radio.

THEO
What do you say we make our own music?

She kneels in front of Dwight stroking his thighs.

THEO
You know, Dwight, I hear you're the
only one who has the key to the gate.

DWIGHT
That's right.

THEO
What if I wanted to borrow those
keys?

DWIGHT
Oh, I couldn't do that.

Theo unbuttons Dwight's pants.

THEO
Sure you can, baby. Look, you help
by giving me the keys, and I'll help
by giving you...

She pulls his dick out and is about to give him a blow job.

DWIGHT
I don't need your help. I can do it
myself.

Dwight starts sucking his own dick.

Theo looks on in shock. Dwight is going to town on himself.
Theo grabs an object and smashes Dwight in the head, knocking
him out cold. She rifles through his pockets and takes the
keys.

She exits.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

The group is gathered in the living room. Shorty watches TV.
Theo rushes back to the group.

THEO
(dangling keys)
I got 'em.

BUDDY
Great! We should leave before it
starts to rain.

Suddenly, lightning and thunder. Rain pours against the
window.

THEO
I say we wait till the rain lets up,
then we make a break for it.

ANGLE ON:

NEWSCASTER on TV.

NEWSCASTER
This just in... Heavy rains will
continue to plague the region for
the next two days.

BRENDA
We'll just call a taxi.

NEWSCASTER
Now, an update on the recent taxi
strike. No progress in sight.

CINDY
Hey, we can take my car.

NEWSCASTER
There's been a major recall on all
Japanese made cars. Auto makers warn
when exposed to rain the cars explode.

LOUD BOOM and FIREBALL out window.

RAY
Fuck it. We'll hike if we have to.

NEWSCASTER
The bodies of six hikers were found
today torn to shreds by wild animals.

SHORTY
I know, we can build a plane and fly
outta here.

NEWSCASTER
Now, that's just fucking stupid.

Buddy shuts off the TV.

BUDDY
Alright then, we'll just hunker down
for tonight. Maybe we'll get a break
by morning.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

The Professor enters and finds Dwight with his head in his
lap.

PROFESSOR
Dwight, what the hell are you doing?
Dwight?

No answer.

The professor lifts Dwight's head and sees what he was doing.

PROFESSOR
Now that's a talent. Dwight, wake
up.

Dwight slowly comes to.

DWIGHT
(groggy)
I can do it myself.

PROFESSOR
Yeah, I can see that. Later I want
you to teach me that trick, but right
now we have a job to do.

DWIGHT
The keys. She took the keys.

The Professor notices Buddy on the monitor, unplugging the
cameras.

PROFESSOR
Shit. They're onto us. Keep an eye
on them. I'll take care of this little
shit.

The Professor exits.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Buddy climbs down off a chair and joins Ray.

BUDDY
I think we got the one's up here.

RAY
I think it's time we had a little
talk with the Professor.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT -- MOMENTS LATER

The Professor exits the lab and heads for the stairs.

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of a beautiful
female ghost in flowing white robes. She illuminates a
brilliant white light.

PROFESSOR
Hello?... Have we met?... Hi...

The ghost lures the Professor down the corridor.

NEW ANGLE:

We are in a different section of the hallway.

The Professor continues to follow the ghost. He has a bit of
trouble keeping up.

PROFESSOR
(calling after)
Ummmm... Hello?... Umm...

The Professor follows into yet another area of hallway.

NEW ANGLE:

The ghost tempts the Professor into a pitch black corridor.

PROFESSOR
Ummm... Are you Mrs. Hanson?
(ALTERNATE)
Ummm... Who are you, you gorgeous
creature?

The Professor disappears into the darkness.

He takes out a lighter to illuminate his way.

PROFESSOR
Hello?... Hello? Are you hiding?
(ALTERNATE)
Where are you, sexy pants?

A horrific look crosses the Professor's face. The beautiful
spirit morphs into Hugh Kane's Ghost.

The Professor takes a beat.

PROFESSOR
(resigned)
What the hell? I've done worse.

The Professor walks into the darkness.

(REST OF SCENE TO COME)

CUT TO:

INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Alex sits in front of her vanity mirror, wearing a sexy robe
and nightgown. She brushes her hair, humming to herself
happily, full of anticipation.

She takes her perfume -- "Obsession" -- and dabs some on her
neck, behind her ears, inside her thighs. Then she puts the
bottle to her mouth and -- glug, glug, glug -- drinks the
whole thing down like Gatorade.

Alex applies hot wax to a waxing strip then to her legs,
tearing it off. Satisfied her legs are smooth, she does her
underarm. She then applies a wax-soaked strip between her
legs then tears it off.

ALEX
Ouch!

She checks the strip to reveal her pussy lips stuck to the
strip.

ALEX
Oops.

She puts them back between her legs.

She rises and walks over to the old 19th century-style
portrait of the supposed ghost, which once hung prominently
downstairs. It now sits propped up in a corner of her room
with a shrine set up all around it consisting of candles,
little "I love you" hearts, and her vibrator.

Alex walks over to the portrait, regards it lovingly for a
moment, and then kisses the figure sweetly on the lips. Then
she works her way down the portrait -- hungrily kissing,
nibbling, and licking. When she pulls back, seductively, the
cobwebs, dust and spiders that were clinging to the portrait
are now all over her face. She doesn't care, she simply
brushes them aside -- she's in love.

CLOSE ON:

RADIO

D.J. (O.S.)
This one goes out to that someone
special from Alex over at the Hell
House. She says that even though you
two have only known each other for a
short time now, she feels a certain
connection to you that she's never
felt with any man alive. And even if
it doesn't work out between you two,
she wants you to know that there
will always be a special place for
you in the heart. So, Poltergeist,
this one's for you.

Alex climbs into bed and spreads rose petals all around.
Everything's ready. She sits back and waits.

While she waits, she puts the time to good use by doing some
sexual calisthenics. She lies flat on her back, sticks her
legs in the air, and stretches them wide apart a few times.

One-two-three-, one-two-three.

Then she gets on all fours and does a few stick-your-ass-
high-in-the-air stretches. One-two-three.

Then she does the simulated oral sex gesture, first with the
right hand, then with the left, making sure her forearms are
nice and loose. One-two-three, one-two-three.

A few facial and mouth exercises and she's done.

ALEX
Well, I'm going to sleep now. So, if
there's some ghostly man out there
who wants to take advantage of me,
there's probably nothing that I will
be able to do about it because I'm
really a heavy sleeper! Okay, here I
go.

Alex gets under the covers and pretends to fall asleep.

A beat and Alex opens her eyes and looks around.

ALEX
I'm asleep now. I really am.

She closes her eyes.

A count of ten and she sits up.

CUT TO:

INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

Just as the GANG is about to leave the house, a LOUD RUMBLE,
along with a violent wind, all the doors and windows lock.

Everyone desperately tries to open a door or break a window.

CINDY
He won't let us go. He's going to
kill us.

DWIGHT
Quick, everyone to the lab.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS -- MOMENTS LATER

Dwight leads everyone to the basement door. He opens it. A
long flight of concrete steps.

DWIGHT
Those steps look kind of hard. I'm
gonna need some help.

By now, the group is so used to Dwight going down steps,
they simply give him a push.

Dwight goes tumbling down the hard steps. The gang running
behind him.

Dwight lands hard at the bottom of the steps. The group
tramples him as they rush by.

DWIGHT
(heroic)
Don't mind me. Save yourselves.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

Everyone assembled inside. Dwight finally catching up, his
wheels slightly bent and his glasses, a mangled mess.

DWIGHT
Quick. Lock the door.

BUDDY and SHORTY lock the door.

CINDY
What are we gonna do?

DWIGHT
We have to destroy him.

RAY
How we gonna destroy what we can't
see?

SHORTY
I got it! We shave off our pubic
hairs and use the shampoo for ten
days. What? Ya'll never had crabs?

Dwight rolls over to a complex machine with a circle marked
on the floor in front of it.

DWIGHT
Ghosts are just energy fields. We
can capture that energy. We can
dissipate it! But in order to do
that, we've got to get him in here.
On that spot.

BUDDY
That's great Einstein. How are we
gonna do that? There's a powerful
force out there ready to render us
helpless, tear on our flesh, and
penetrate our bodies.

RAY
He's right. I should go first.

BRENDA
He's so brave.

Dwight rolls over to a supply cabinet, opens it and starts
to hand out equipment.

Dwight is arming the teenagers, giving them each a strange
looking gun.

DWIGHT
These are highly experimental guns
that emit a bolt of concentrated
energy able to damage ectoplasmic
cells, giving it the ability to injure
or even destroy a ghost. There is no
ammunition. You only get three shots
a piece, so use it very wisely.

Goofing with his gun, shorty fires it at Brenda's butt,
burning it.

BRENDA
Hey!

Shorty laughs.

DWIGHT
Conserve your ammunition!

SHORTY
Sorry... right, right...

Shorty is startled by a cockroach and shoots it.

DWIGHT
The only way we're going to track
down these ghosts is if we're all
wearing one of these...

Dwight pulls out a DICK PUMP! They all look at him crossed.
Dwight realizes what he's holding in his hand.

BUDDY
A dick pump?

DWIGHT
I mean these!

Dwight holds up a pair of goggles.

DWIGHT
These are thermo-goggles.

The kids are putting on their goggles, trying them out.

DWIGHT
These can be used to track the ghosts.
These goggles work on the principle
of body heat. They're so powerful,
they'll even show where body fluids
of any kind have been recently, even
if it been wiped clean.

The kids look at each other and notice Dwight has goo in his
face.

DWIGHT
He may be invisible, but we have the
advantage of being armed with the
most innovative and complex high-
tech equipment known to man.

BRENDA
How are we gonna stay in touch with
one another? Do we have walkie-talkies
or something?

DWIGHT
No, we have these.

Dwight brings out several sets of two paper-cups with a string
attaching the two. The string is only about 10-15 feet long.

DWIGHT
All the money was spent on the guns
and the goggles.

He hands them out.

DWIGHT
Let's get that bastard!

Alex points her gun at the group.

ALEX
No, I won't let you do it.

CINDY
Alex, what are you doing?

ALEX
Shut up, you slut. You think you can
take him from me? Well, over my dead
body.

Alex runs out of the lab. Cindy tries to stop her. Theo steps
in the way.

THEO
Let her go, Cin.

CINDY
But he'll kill her!

THEO
That means more screen time for us.

DWIGHT
Alright, let's split up.

BRENDA
Every time some scary shit goes down
and we need to stick together, you
white folks always say "Let's split
up."

THEO
She's right. We should stick together.

DWIGHT
Alright. Come on, you guys.

All four of the white people take off, leaving Ray, Shorty
and Brenda behind.

SHORTY
Ain't that some shit?

Ray, Shorty, and Brenda head off in the other direction.

CUT TO:

INT. SECRET STUDY/FOYER/LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM --
CONTINUOUS

Alex exits the basement, frantically searching for the ghost.
She runs into the secret study.

ALEX
Huey, where are you?

GHOST POV:

The ghost, in the foyer, catches sight of Alex and tries to
hide. Alex sees him and starts for the foyer.

ALEX
Huey, Huey, baby, we have to talk!

To protect himself and do harm to her, the ghost hurls a
chair at Alex in the foyer.

ALEX
Baby?

He hurls a statue at her.

Massive boulders come tumbling down the steps in hope of
crushing her.

Alex runs into the music room, smashing through a television.

ALEX
Come on, baby, we can work this out.

She takes a few steps and trips over the carpet.

ALEX
If we just stick together no one can
hurt us, love!

The piano flies up, landing on Alex.

ALEX
(in pain)
I think we have to get a little
therapy, Hun.

She crawls from under the piano.

As Alex heads for the dining room, the door slam shut.
Immediately, several knives come flying at her. The knives
form Alex's outline in the door.

Alex swings the doors open and enters the dining room.

Almost immediately, she's pulled (by the ghost) across the
dining room table, eventually landing full force to the floor.

As she lies there, the chandelier drops from the ceiling,
pinning her down.

Alex is dying.

Theo enters.

THEO
Oh my god! Alex!

Theo cradles Alex's head.

ALEX
I think I'm dying, Theo... I just
want you to know, you're the best
friend I've ever had...
(she coughs, pained)
Do you remember that time we met?

Theo nods, sadly.

ALEX
And remember the time in the sixth
grade, at the dance? We wore the
same dresses, but that didn't stop
us from having the best time ever.

Theo looks confused.

THEO
Um... we --

Alex coughs some more.

ALEX
And remember that trip we took to
Africa? That safari was so wonderful.
Me, you... best of friends... forever.

THEO
Uh, Alex, we've only know each other
one day.

ALEX
Oh... I guess I'll die now.

THEO
Okay... maybe that would be best.

Alex closes her eyes, seemingly dying. Theo starts to get
up. Suddenly, Alex opens her eyes...

ALEX
Oh, remember that time I got my
training bra and you --

THEO
Never happened!

Theo looks at her watch, impatiently.

ALEX
Right... well, bye.

Alex lays her head down and seemingly dies again. Theo starts
to leave. Alex sits up again.

ALEX
My favorite memory was when we --

THEO
Would you die already?!

Theo looks around and grabs a pillow, finally smothering
Alex to death.

Theo slowly gets up, surveying the scene.

AS SHE EXITS, WE CUT TO:

INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- LATER

THEO AND DWIGHT

DWIGHT
You check down here, I'll check
upstairs.

Theo looks confused as Dwight crawls upstairs, dragging his
wheelchair.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- MOMENTS LATER

Shorty, astray from the rest of the group, tries to find Ray
and Brenda.

SHORTY
(loud whisper)
Ray! Brenda!

Shorty takes a breather. He takes a seat and enjoys a blunt.

SHORTY
Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about.
Fuck this ghost hunting shit. I don't
know where to look for no ghost.

Shorty exhales the smoke, REVEALS the ghost sitting next to
him.

GHOST
(menacing)
Boo!

Shorty screams and jumps to his feet.

SHORTY
Yo, son, why me? What you want with
me?

Shorty blows out more smoke in an effort to reveal the ghost
as he bucks away. It works. Another puff and the ghost's
face appears again.

GHOST
Boo!

SHORTY
Leave me alone. Stay away from me.

Shorty continues the process of toking the blunt and blowing
the smoke.

Finally, Shorty takes a huge pull, blows the smoke out, and
the menacing Ghost face appears. Shorty curls in fear.

The ghost approaches Shorty. It's apparent that Shorty is a
dead man. The ghost brings his face very close to Shorty's.

GHOST
(playfully)
Boo.

The ghost laughs, hysterically, obviously high.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS

Ray and Brenda.

BRENDA
You hear that?

She notices Shorty is gone.

BRENDA
Where's Shorty?

RAY
I don't know. He was right behind
us. Wait here. I'll be right back.

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS

Shorty and the ghost are joking it up.

SHORTY
(singing)
THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR
HOOD...

GHOST
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?

SHORTY/GHOST
GHOSTBUSTERS!!

SHORTY
Hey, shotgun.

Shorty blows smoke in the ghost's face. They inhale. It
appears that Shorty has inhaled the ghost.

A count of two. Shorty exhales, blowing the ghost out.

GHOST
That was awesome.

The ghost runs straight at the wall, and goes through it.
He peeks his head through.

GHOST
You try.

Shorty takes a hit off the blunt then charges at the wall.

SLAM!!! Shorty knocks himself unconscious.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT FURNACE ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Cindy and Buddy enter the furnace room.

BUDDY
Where the hell are we?

CINDY
It looks like the furnace.

BUDDY
Let's get outta here.

CINDY
Wait, I want to check something.
Give me a hand.

Buddy helps Cindy open the large furnace door.

CLOSE ON:

The inside of the furnace. Black ashes is all that can be
seen.

Cindy picks up an iron poker and pokes around the ash.

BUDDY
What are you doing?

Cindy sees something. She stops.

CINDY
I found Hugh Kane's wife's diary.
It said Hanson the caretaker died in
the furnace.

Cindy clears away the ashes to REVEAL a human skeleton.

BUDDY
Well, if that's Hanson, then who's
the guy with the hand?

CINDY
Hugh Kane.

Suddenly, the skeleton comes to life. It rises from the ashes.

Buddy and Cindy run. The skeleton follows.

CINDY
Let's split up and meet at the other
end.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON:

Brenda. She hears someone yelling.

Brenda peeks around the corner. She sees Cindy running towards
her. Cindy is screaming for help. Brenda ducks behind the
wall.

CINDY
Help!

BRENDA
Now, why that bitch gotta bring that
shit this way? I hope she didn't see
me.

Brenda peeks around the corner. Cindy trips and falls. The
skeleton gets closer.

BRENDA
Good! I hope that shit kills her and
just leaves. God is looking out for
me.

Cindy is back to her feet and hauling ass. Brenda ducks back
behind the wall. She is now nervous and shaking. The screams
get closer. Brenda begins to pray.

BRENDA
Lord, if I die, I'm going to fuck
this bitch up for getting me involved.

Cindy rounds the corner to discover the dead end.

CINDY
Oh my God! We're dead!

BRENDA
It would've just been you, if you
would've kept your mouth shut.

They hear the footsteps getting close.

CINDY
It's coming!

BRENDA
What?! What is it, a monster?!

The skeleton turns the corner. Cindy sees him first.

CINDY
Aahhh! There it is!!!

Brenda turns and sees the skeleton. Her fear subsides.

BRENDA
Aw, shit girl. This what you're
running from? He ain't nothing but a
skeleton. His skinny little ass can't
hurt anybody.

Brenda just stands her ground. This skeleton runs up and
grabs Brenda by the arm. Brenda makes a face as if she's not
very impressed.

BRENDA
What?... this ain't shit.

With the skeleton still gripping her arm, Brenda raises her
arm, effortlessly lifting the skeleton off the ground. It
hangs there, looking worried and looking down at it's feet
dangling.

BRENDA
(to Cindy)
It's just a bunch of old bones. No
muscle, no strength. He hardly even
weighs anything.

She flicks the skeleton off her arm. It hits the ground.
Dazed, it gets back on it's feet. Brenda stomps her feet and
moves like she's going to jump at it. The skeleton cowers,
throwing up its arms and looking scared.

BRENDA
What you gonna do?

As the skeleton tries to run, Brenda plucks off its head.
Cindy smiles, realizing the skeleton poses no threat.

SKELETON HEAD
Hey, give it back.

Brenda and Cindy play Keep-Away with the skull. The skeleton's
headless body running back and forth between them, arms
flailing, trying desperately to get its head back.

Finally, Cindy catches the skull, moves aside and sticks her
leg out, tripping the body. It tumbles to the wall and lies
there.

Brenda reaches down and grabs the bottom section of the
skeleton's spine, destabilizing the body. Like a house of
cards, all of the bones crash down into a heap.

Brenda holds a bone to her head.

BRENDA
Hey, look, I'm Wilma Flintstone.

CINDY
Hey, I have an idea...

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT AREA -- FEW MOMENTS LATER

The skeleton is put back together, but completely messed up.
It's hopping on one hand, it's head stuck on its tail bone,
one leg sticking balanced on top of the rib cage, etc.

BRENDA
Go on, get out of here.

The skeleton goes hopping along the hallway, humiliated.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- LATER

Buddy joins Cindy and Brenda.

BUDDY
You guys okay?

BRENDA
Yeah, it takes more than a bag of
bones to scare me.

Suddenly, Buddy is lifted off his feet, his arms and legs
swinging wildly.

CINDY
Oh my God, the ghost has Buddy!
Brenda do something!

BRENDA
Okay.

Brenda takes off running. Cindy watches, confused.

BUDDY
Help!

Cindy fires at the pipes, one burst. The steam REVEALS the
ghost.

Cindy has a clean shot. She takes it.

The ghost is hit. He drops Buddy and flees.

Buddy falls, bangs his head.

CINDY
(rushing to Buddy)
Are you okay?

Buddy checks his head.

BUDDY
Yeah, I think I'm bleeding.

CINDY
Come on. There's a first aid kit in
the lab.

Cindy helps Buddy to his feet. They head to the lab.

CUT TO:

INT. SECRET STUDY -- LATER

THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS SHOT ENTIRELY FROM THE GHOST'S POV:

The Ghost enters to see that the room is no longer a mess,
but has been cleaned with a woman's touch.

First, he spots a teddy bear sitting in his chair.

He sees flowers placed around his portrait.

A vase of roses on his desk.

There are a pair of woman's panties on the desk lamp. He
picks them up to inspect them. Disgusted, he throws the
panties on the floor.

The ghost then catches sight of a three-layered wedding cake
set on a table.

Finally, he sees that Alex has pasted a photo of her face,
over the face of his beloved Carolyn in her portrait. This
sends him into a tirade.

He smashes the vase of flowers to the floor, before doing
the same to the wedding cake.

The ghost smashes the mirror.

Finally, he tears Alex's photo from the painting.

As he backs away, we:

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER

Cindy is tending to Buddy.

BUDDY
Cindy, I've been thinking about this
whole friend thing. I never had a
friend that cares for me the way you
do... I mean, there's Ray, but he
cares for me in a different way. You
know, bringing me flowers. Running
my bath water. And then there's nights
I wake up screaming and I look over
and Ray's in my bed. Holding me. And
seeing that tonight might be our
last night together, I was thinking...

CINDY
That we should take our friendship a
little further?

BUDDY
Yes...

CINDY
Oh, Buddy, I was thinking the same
thing. It might be our last night in
this house. And I think we should
take full advantage of it.

BUDDY
(excited)
I was thinking the same thing.

He pops a mint in his mouth and unbuckles his pants.

CINDY
(lost in thought)
We should act out our inner most
fantasies.

BUDDY
Great!!!

CINDY
Like, I've always wanted to walk on
the moon.

BUDDY
Huh?

Cindy turns around and does a slow motion imitation of an
astronaut.

CINDY
What about you, Buddy?

BUDDY
Well, I was hoping to get my balls
licked.

They hear a noise.

CINDY
He's here.

BUDDY
Shit!

Cindy gets an idea. She runs in the freezer, and grabs several
bags of blood.

Suddenly, she hears a noise.

Cindy stops and looks around. She sees nothing.

Cindy begins to open bags of blood and pours them on the
floor. She empties out all of the blood.

Suddenly the phone rings. She answers.

CINDY
Hello?

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- SAME TIME.

A DOCTOR is on the phone talking with Cindy. A DYING LITTLE
BOY lays in the hospital bed with his PARENTS standing over
him, crying.

DOCTOR
Yes, this is Doctor Peterson. I'm
calling for Dwight Hartman. He was
storing some blood over there for
me. It's for a little boy who's in
desperate need of a blood transfusion.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS

Cindy, on phone looks down at all the blood spilled out on
the floor, shocked.

CINDY
(Mexican accent)
Dwight Hartman, no live here.

Cindy slams down the phone.

She watches the blood carefully, looking for footprints.
She sees nothing. Behind her, she hears a noise.

She turns and is slapped hard in the face by the ghost.

She raises her gun, but the ghost is too quick. He smacks it
from her hand.

NEW ANGLE:

The ghost smacks Cindy, sending her flying into the freezer.

Cindy falls hard, hitting her head, and dazing her for a
brief moment.

Buddy attacks the ghost.

The ghost is strong and easily punches Buddy around.

Buddy is thrown into the freezer. He's hurt.

Cindy gets up and rushes to help Buddy.

INT. FREEZER -- CONTINUOUS

Suddenly, the door locks and is bolted shut.

CLOSE ON:

The temperature gauge is broken. The temperature begins to
drop.

Cindy rushes to the door. Through the window, she sees the
ghost leave.

BUDDY
We gotta call for help.

Cindy holds up her cup and talks into it.

CINDY
Hello? Do you read me? Come in...
It's useless. They don't work in
here... must be the walls or
something.

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT

Dwight is looking for the ghost. Dwight sees the ghost through
his goggles. The ghost is playing hide-and-seek with Dwight.

DWIGHT
(angry)
Come on you coward! Show yourself!
Fight me like a man.

Suddenly, Dwight's wheelchair is rammed by another wheelchair
driven by the ghost.

Dwight takes off. The ghost follows.

Dwight and the ghost zigzag down the hallway bumping and
cutting each other off.

SLOW-MOTION SHOT:

The wheels of the two chairs lock together sending them into
a 360 degree spin.

Dwight, his hair is flowing.

Matching shot of the ghost.

The chair crashes into the banister. It breaks the back of
Dwight's charm which dangerously hangs over the edge.

Dwight gains control. As the ghost chair approaches, Dwight
speeds towards the ghost.

Just before the chairs pass each other, Dwight leaps out and
hangs on the side, firing his gun at the ghost.

The ghost ducks and the shot misses him.

Dwight is dragged painfully through the hallway smashing
into open doors, statues, cupboards. Finally, Dwight leaps
back into the chair.

Not a moment to soon. The ghost chair whips in front of
Dwight.

Dwight thinks fast. He uses a broken table as a ramp. He
catches some good air.

Dwight lands, slams on the brakes, sending his chair tipping
forward. Dwight shows his skills by spinning his chair as it
balances on the front wheels.

Dwight and the ghost chair now are at opposite ends of the
hall.

The scene plays very dramatic and in SLOW-MOTION. Dwight in
his wheelchair at one end of the hall and the ghost in his
wheelchair at the other end. WHITE DOVES begin to flutter
through the hallway ala a "JOHN WOO" movie.

One of the doves flies by in slow motion. It plops right on
his face.

The tires of Dwight's wheelchair begin spinning and squealing,
burning rubber and causing smoke to come from the tire.

The ghost's wheelchair tires burn rubber and starts barreling
toward Dwight at full (wheelchair) speed. Dwight starts
rolling with all his might toward the ghost in his wheelchair.
Coming towards each other like the motorcycle scene in "MI:2".

ANGLE ON:

THE GHOST'S WHEELCHAIR

It speeds towards Dwight.

ANGLE ON:

DWIGHT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR

He speeds toward the ghost in his chair. Dwight is going so
fast that his hair is blowing back and bugs start splattering
up against his face and sunglasses.

Like two speeding trains, Dwight and the ghost are headed
right towards one another.

ANGLE ON:

DWIGHT'S WHEELCHAIR

One of his tires blows out. We see that it reads "FIRESTONE."

Dwight still races towards the ghost. Right when they are
about to collide head on, Dwight leaps up out of his
wheelchair and the ghost leaps out of his wheelchair.

The two wheelchairs impact and EXPLODE!!!

Dwight goes to grab the ghost, but he goes right through it
and goes crashing out of the window at the end of the hallway.

DWIGHT
Noooo!!!!!

EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT

Dwight, dangling from a statue on the house exterior. He's
slipping, losing his grip.

Suddenly, in the window above, appears Hanson. He extends
his little arm out to Dwight.

HANSON
Here. Take my hand.

CLOSE ON:

Hanson's nubby little hand.

HANSON
Come on. Take it.

Dwight can't bring himself to touch the little hand. He looks
at the ground below. It's sure death if he falls.

Hanson reaches further. We see his fingers as they touch
Dwight's hand.

DWIGHT
Ahhhh!!!

Dwight lets go and falls to his death.

INT. FREEZER -- MOMENTS LATER

Frost has built up on the window. Icicles hang off of our
heroes.

BUDDY
(practically frozen
stiff)
What are we gonna do? I'm cold. I
can't move, I'm so cold.

CINDY
(rubbing his legs)
Can you feel that?

BUDDY
No. Try a little higher.

Cindy starts rubbing his thighs.

CINDY
Feel that?

BUDDY
(enjoying it)
No. Keep rubbing.

Cindy starts rubbing harder.

BUDDY
Better try a little higher.

CINDY
(catching on)
Now, come on -- you know I'm not
ready for that kind of --

BUDDY
Cindy, please! It's a matter of life
and death. I'm asking you a friend.

CINDY
Well... okay... but only as a friend.

Cindy makes ready to start rubbing Buddy's dick. Buddy leans
back, getting ready to enjoy it. He puts his arms around his
head, but then realizes that this whole thing depends on
Cindy believing that he can't move his arms, so he quickly
puts them back where they were before Cindy realizes what
he's done.

Cindy is still rubbing Buddy's crotch.

BUDDY
I'm coming!

BUDDY EXPLODES

Cindy, eyes wide as she looks down. She jumps back just as
the goo flies towards her.

CLOSE ON:

The goo. It freezes in mid-air.

Cindy knows there's no more time to waste.

She desperately scrambles for a way out. She tries the door,
but it's bolted shut. She looks over to see some loose nuts
and bolts, a wire and a defibrillator. She goes to work
piecing something together, MacGyver-style.

Quick cuts of her snapping a wire loose.

She magnetizes the nuts and bolts.

She turns on the defibrillator.

We pull back to reveal Cindy has built with the loose scraps
a CAT BULLDOZER.

Cindy helps Buddy out of the freezer.

CINDY
You stay here. I've got to warn the
others.

Cindy exits.

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER

CINDY
(into her cup)
Come in somebody. Can you hear me?

RAY (V.O.)
This is Ray. What's up? Where are
you?

CINDY
The ghost is close. He almost got
us. Buddy is hurt.

RAY (V.O.)
What's your location? I repeat, what's
your location?

CINDY
Right behind you.

REVEAL:

Cindy standing behind Ray.

RAY
Roger that we're on our way over.

Ray turns to Cindy.

CINDY
Where's Shorty?

RAY
I don't know. He was right behind me
a minute ago.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- LATER

MUSIC: The same gentle piano music as in "Hannibal."

Cindy walks into the kitchen and sees Shorty seated at he
table, strapped to a chair. Hanson is nearby, grilling
something on a portable grill and conversing amiably with
Shorty.

Alarmed, Cindy grabs a snow globe.

ANGLE ON SNOW GLOBE:

Cindy hides the snow globe behind her back.

HANSON
Ah, Cindy. Sit down, dear. Dinner's
almost ready.

Cindy manages a smile and nears the table.

HANSON
Oh, and the little weapon you're
hiding? Put it on the table.

Caught, Cindy sheepishly places the snow globe on the table
and moves to sit.

HANSON
Come now, give it up.

Cindy pulls a heavy little statuette from under her shirt
and clunks it down next to the snow globe.

Hanson shakes his head no and gestures for her to come clean
with what else she has.

Cindy keeps pulling out more weaponry, tossing it on the
table. A bear-trap, a crowbar, a medieval battle axe, a
crossbow, case of dynamite, and a Star Wars lightsaber, which
she turns on and tosses onto the pile.

Cindy sits. Hanson goes back to his cooking.

CINDY
(whispering)
Shorty, are you alright? Speak to
me!

Shorty is slumped and dazed, drooling on himself. Cindy
notices some hypodermic needles, chloroform and a rag.

CINDY
(to Hanson)
Morphine? chloroform? Horse
tranquilizers? You've drugged him!

HANSON
No, actually, I found him like this.
That's his stuff.

With growing alarm, Cindy notices a cookbook on the table:
"Martha Stewart's Easy Brain Recipes", featuring a picture
of a pleasantly smiling Martha Stewart on the cover, her
mouth and chin soaked in blood and gore, clutching a chewed
brain in her hand.

HANSON
Sit down and join us, Cindy.

SHORTY
(to Cindy)
Yeah, I always wanted to watch you
eat.

CINDY
She'd have to be really pretty and
I'd have to be very drunk.

SHORTY
(delirious)
I'm going to work in Washington,
Cindy.

CINDY
Are you?

SHORTY
That's where my best customers are.
Marion Berry, George Bush, the
Redskins. I'd like to offer you a
job, Cindy. Can you type? Take
dictation? Swallow balloons filled
with cocaine?

HANSON
Now you're being rude, Shorty.

SHORTY
Washington is full of cornpone country
pussy -- just ask Jesse Jackson.

Hanson puts down his spatula and steps to Shorty.

HANSON
Alright! Everyone ready for the main
course?

Hanson pulls off Shorty's sweatband and take a can opener to
Shorty's head, running it all the way around the crown as
Cindy looks on in horror.

Cindy gasps as Hanson lifts off the top of Shorty's head,
revealing his brain. It's a sad sight. Small and
underdeveloped, it's surrounded by smoke. Corroded and half
smoked away. There's a small band-aid on it.

Hanson puts the top of Shorty's skull on his own head, hair
and all.

HANSON
(a la Shorty, gesturing
with a little hand)
Yo son, check this out.

SHORTY
Dog, you look hot.

Hanson grabs a knife and goes to carve the brain.

CINDY
Hanson, please.

HANSON
Don't worry Cindy, the brain itself
feels no pain.

Hanson cuts into it. The brain screams in fright and shrinks
away from the knife, compressing itself into a corner of
Shorty's skull.

Hanson stabs over and over, the brain gracefully avoiding
being cut, moving from corner to corner of the skull. It
trembles.

Hanson watches and aims carefully, finally sticking the knife
into the brain.

HANSON
It's such a fascinating organ.

Hanson points out a section.

HANSON
This part here controls intelligence.
Watch what happens when I touch it.

Hanson touches it.

SHORTY
(suddenly smart, with
a British accent)
Salutations, offspring. The fecal
matter is infirm. By the by, I do
not wish to monopolize the
conversation, but I believe I've
just figured out the cure for cancer.
It's really quite simple --

Hanson takes his finger off the brain and points out another
section:

HANSON
And this part controls a person's
manners.

Shorty starts to belch and fart uncontrollably, wetting his
pants.

CINDY
Stop touching his brain!

HANSON
Um, I'm not touching anything.

SHORTY
Sorry, y'all. My bad.

HANSON
Shorty, why don't you say grace?

SHORTY
Me? Grace? Okay -- Dear God --

Just as Shorty bows his head, the little brain plops out
onto the table. Hanson picks it up and puts it back in.

SHORTY
Amen.

Hanson now carves a little section of the brain.

HANSON
This part removes the sense of humor.

SHORTY
I am Tom Green, I am Tom Green.
Daddy want some sausage, sausage.
Daddy want some sausage...

Hanson drops the piece of brain on the frying pan.

Cindy looks over and looks at the grill Hanson is using. A
logo in the side reads: "the George Foreman Brain Grill",
with a picture of George Foreman's smiling head next to the
words. The top of George Foreman's head is missing, revealing
his brain.

Hanson takes the brain tidbit off the pan -- it has grill
marks now, and serves it to Shorty.

Shorty starts hooking up the piece of brain with the hot
sauce, pepper, salt, "A-1" steak sauce, melted velveta cheese,
etc...

Hanson starts scraping the leftovers off the dishes into
Shorty's head.

Cindy grabs the snowglobe and goes after Hanson, but Hanson
grabs her just as it's about to strike and slams her back
against the refrigerator, getting in her face, locking her
hair in the door and breaking off the handle.

HANSON
Tell me, Cindy. Would you ever tell
me "Stop. If you loved me you'd stop."

CINDY
Not in a thousand years.

Hanson leans in and presses a kiss against Cindy's lips.

CINDY
(muffled)
Stop! --

HANSON
(pulling away)
Made you say it!

Suddenly OFF SCREEN we hear handcuffs clicking closed.

Pull back and reveal that she's handcuffed his small hand to
her. The handcuff is extremely loose on his hand.

OFF SCREEN Hanson hears Brenda and Theo approaching. Looking
around, he grabs a cleaver. Then he slams his and Cindy's
cuffed hands on the kitchen counter.

HANSON
It looks like I'll have to give you
something to remember me by... This
is really going to hurt.

Cleaver come down hard.

CU of Cindy screaming in SLO-MO.

REVEAL Hanson's crooked penis on the counter, the foreskin
cut-off.

HANSON
I've been meaning to do this since
my Bar Mitzvah... Here.

Hanson hands her the piece of foreskin.

As she stares at in horrified shock, Hanson slips his baby
hand out of the cuffs, no problem, and runs off.

Cindy runs after him, hair still caught, dragging the
refrigerator after her.

Theo and Brenda arrive.

BRENDA
Cindy, what's going on?

CINDY
It's Hanson, he's evil. Let's get
him!

The girls free Cindy and they run off. Cindy's hair is frozen
stiff in the air with a pork chop stuck to it. They leave
Shorty behind, passed out at the table.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- LATER

Ray and Buddy are scoping out the area.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.

As the knob begins to turn, Buddy and Ray take aim.

The door opens. A very disheveled Dwight, on his hands and
knees, appears.

DWIGHT
Ouch...
(ALTERNATE)
Mommy...

Buddy and Ray help Dwight into a chair.

BUDDY
Dwight, are you okay?

DWIGHT
I can't feel my legs.

RAY
You never could feel your legs.

DWIGHT
What do you know about it?!... Listen,
the ghost is too powerful. The only
chance we have is to use this machine.
(to Buddy)
I need you to go get the others and
meet us upstairs.

BUDDY
Okay...

Buddy runs out.

DWIGHT
(hesitantly)
Alright... I might need your help.

RAY
My help?

DWIGHT
A little bit... Give me your belt.

RAY
I'm not even wearing any drawers.
Forget about a belt.

DWIGHT
Okay, give me my belt.

Ray checks Dwight's pants.

RAY
You're not wearing a belt.

DWIGHT
Alright, go to the belt store...

As they continue, we:

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY --NIGHT

Cindy, Brenda, and Theo start to lose articles of clothing.

Cindy removes a pin and lets down her hair.

MUSIC CUE: INDEPENDENT WOMAN

REVEAL:

Our girls now resemble "Charlie's Angels."

Hanson comes upon a locked gate and cartwheels between it.

Brenda and Theo brace their hand and help Cindy over the
gate.

Cindy leaps over the fence and grabs a chain hanging from
the ceiling and swings toward the Hanson. She kicks him in
the chest. He falls to the floor.

Cindy drops from the chain as Brenda and Brenda climb the
gate in cat-like fashion.

Hanson rises to his feet and strikes a defensive pose.

It's Cindy and Hanson. She takes a running leap and kick at
Hanson ala Cameron Diaz in "Charlie's Angels." She slowly
moves through the air at him until Hanson picks up a bat.

Cindy sees this and begins to back peddle, but it's too late.
Hanson swings and connects. SWACK!! He beans her in the head
and she goes flying.

The girls gather again on the other side in front if a
fountain and assume the famous "Charlie's Angels" pose with
Theo and Brenda holding one leg up as Cindy squats in the
middle. Now with the fountain behind them, it appears all
girls are taking a piss.

NEW ANGLE:

The girls are closing in. Hanson knows it.

THEO
Brenda!

Hanson snatches one of Brenda's braids and runs it under his
nose smelling it like the villain in "Charlie's Angels."

Brenda, angry, assumes a fierce, expert looking Kung Fu pose --
but then breaks into a girlish schoolyard fighting technique,
arms pin-wheeling, etc.

Hanson then takes on Theo. She runs to back wall, flips and
roundhouse kicks him.

Hanson throws Theo into a wall.

Her boobs expand and break her fall.

It's now just Cindy and Hanson. Cindy begins to display
different Kung Fu fight techniques.

CINDY
The Crane style!

She does CRANE-like fighting moves --

CINDY
The Crouching Tiger style!

She does TIGER-like fighting moves --

CINDY
The Drunk Monkey!

Cindy starts stumbling around the room, acting drunk and
making monkey noises.

CINDY
The Mad Cow!

Cindy frowns, making a mad face and starts "mooing" like a
cow!

CINDY
The Horny dog!

Cindy begins humping Hanson's leg wildly. Then she gets
carried away with her impressions of different animals, a
deer, a bear, etc. Hanson watches her totally entertained.

CINDY
The Camel Toe!

This move disgusts Hanson.

Cindy does the "Crouching Tiger" tornado-spin upwards and
land on a higher level, (JOKE TO COME).

Cindy finishes her moves and backs-up as Hanson starts to
short circuit.

The girls run in and they all watch the ghost starting to
combust.

Buddy runs up from the hall to the fence.

BUDDY
You gotta get out of there!

He holds open the gate as the girls run down the hall.

They give one last look back as Hanson explodes.

Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo run to the lab.

CUT TO:

INT. LAB -- MOMENTS LATER

Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo enter to find Ray and Dwight
there.

DWIGHT
There's only one thing left to do.
You guys, go upstairs and get the
machine ready!

CUT TO:

INT. MUSIC ROOM/FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

The group is gathered. Dwight is strapped to Ray's back.

DWIGHT
Someone is going to have to lure him
onto the platform.

CINDY
I'll go.

BUDDY
Cindy, let me...

CINDY
No, Buddy, I'm the one he wants.

BUDDY
Actually, I was going to say let me
have your computer if you die.

Cindy moves to the foyer.

DWIGHT
Cool, but remember, as soon as he
gets on the platform you gotta get
out of there.
(ALTERNATE:)
Nobody wants to go.

CINDY
Alright, let's take a vote...

Rest to come...

Cindy crosses into the foyer. Buddy, Ray, Dwight, and Theo
stand in the doorway.

The machine is gathered at the bottom of the steps. Cindy
moves about, yelling to the ghost.

CINDY
Hugh Kane, it's me you want, come
get me! I'm not afraid anymore! Show
yourself!

Suddenly, the foyer windows explode. The ghost breaks through
the window. Coming down the steps, he trips and falls. The
ghost rises into frame, stepping on the machine.

GHOST
Prepare to die!
(ALTERNATE LINE:)
Now you will be mine forever!

Cindy stands in the circle.

Buddy throws the switch.

A digital read-out... 10... 9... 8... 7...

BUDDY
Cindy, get outta there. You'll be
killed.
(ALTERNATE:)
Do something, Dwight!

DWIGHT
I can't, she's still on the platform.
If I throw the switch she'll die.
Ahh! No!!!

RAY
I'll get her.

With no concern for his safety, Ray, still with Dwight
strapped to his back, bolts towards Cindy.

CLOSE ON:

Ray. He's running in dramatic slo-mo.

THEO
Why is he running so slow?

Brenda shrugs.

BRENDA
Ray, run faster.

RAY
Okay.

Ray looks back and nods. He breaks outta slo-mo and speeds
towards Cindy.

Digital read-out... 3... 2... 1... Ray tackles Cindy, hurling
her out of the way just as the machine's energy field zaps
the ghost.

Cindy, Ray and Dwight hit the ground with a bone-jarring
impact.

CINDY
Ray, you saved my life. Are you okay?

RAY
Yeah, I broke my fall.

Dwight, all wuzzy, complains.

The force-field turns on and the ghost is instantly in agony.
He screams.

Cindy manages to drag herself to the ghost.

CINDY
Don't fight it. Let it go. It's time
for you. Rest time. Peace. Carolyn
is waiting for you on the other side.

These words make the ghost relax. His evil expression changes.

CINDY
Yes, go to her. You will be together
with her for eternity.

A brilliant, heavenly light ala the final scene in "GHOST."

Syrupy music begins to play.

The ghost smiles. He places his hand against Cindy's as a
kind of gesture of good-bye.

Music swells.

Ghost rises towards the light.

CINDY
Goodbye, Hugh Kane.

GHOST
Take care of yourself, Cindy.

Suddenly, another ghost appears. It's Alex. Ray, Dwight and
Cindy turn their heads from the bright light.

ALEX
There you are, my love. I've been
looking for you. Now we can be
together forever.

The ghost's expression changes to fear. He begins to leave...

ALEX
Don't you float away from me.

GHOST
No! No!

ALEX
Don't you run from me!... I'm coming
my love!

In a flash, both Alex and the Ghost are sucked into the light
and disappear.

CUT TO:

INT. FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

As the Ghost goes off to his wretched eternal fate with Alex
in the afterlife, the kids look around at each other. Outside
the window, dawn is beginning to break. Birds are chirping.

RAY
We did it, you guys! We made it!

The gang -- Cindy, Brenda, Ray, Buddy, Theo and Dwight --
hug. Shorty wanders into the room.

SHORTY
Hey, y'all! What's going on?

CINDY
Shorty! You're alive!! But... what
about your head?

SHORTY
That turned out to be a good thing!
It's gonna make smuggling a whole
lot easier. Remember that weed? I'm
about to get paid.

Cindy and Shorty hug.

CINDY
(triumphant)
Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.

Suddenly, the door opens. A ray of blinding sunlight floods
the room. Father McFeely enters with some COPS and EMTS.

FATHER MCFEELY
I'm afraid we're too late.

The kids watch, confused, as the priest and the officers
rush past without acknowledging they're even there. The kids
look bewildered.

Cop #1 walks up to Cop #2.

COP #2
I found one in the kitchen.

COP #3 runs up to Cop #1 and Cop #2, very excited.

COP #3
There's ass, blood and guts
everywhere!

Cop #1 gives them the "thumbs up" and walks away without
saying a word. Cop #2 and Cop #3 walk away. On the back of
each of their jackets reads "DIRECTOR'S RELATIVE." Then Cop
#1 walks away revealing the back of his jacket, "JUST AN
EXTRA."

Cindy runs up to Father McFeely.

CINDY
Father!

MCFEELY
My child, you're alive!

CINDY
Yes, we made it!

MCFEELY
We? What do you mean... we?

CINDY
Me and my friends... You see there
was this ghost. He came out of nowhere
and....

MCFEELY
My child you are the only survivor.

CINDY
No, my friends are right here!

The kids stand in a group behind Cindy, but McFeely looks
right through them.

MCFEELY
I'm sorry.

CINDY
Father, I don't understand. Tell me
what happened?

MCFEELY
Soon, but first I must bless this
house.

McFeely walks off.

Ray and Dwight, still strapped to each other, watch the entire
scenario. They look at the others.

RAY
You mean to tell me we're dead!

DWIGHT
I guess so.

Ray undoes his belt and Dwight falls of his back. Dwight
tries to stand up, but even though he's dead, his legs don't
work.

CINDY
Noooooooo!

Suddenly, a bus (or car) drives through, smashing Cindy.

THE END

POSTSCRIPT

VERSION #5

INT. DORMROOM -- DAY

Cindy sits at her desk talking to someone off screen.

CINDY
Now that we're out of the house and
back at school, I know that
everything's going to be okay. I'm
doubly lucky that I made it out of
the house with you...

Reveal Cindy is talking to the bird.

BIRD
Will you just shut up? Shut the fuck
up!

The PHONE RINGS.

CINDY
Hello? Oh hi Dad. Yeah, I'm so happy
to be back in college. I love my new
roommate, but I have to say I was a
little nervous at first because she's
so religious.

Show Megan fucking herself with a crucifix.

MEGAN
Let Jesus fuck me!

Megan's head spins around, then she spews green vomit and
piss everywhere.

CINDY
And I got the cutest little parrot.
Birds are such clean animals, he's
no trouble at all!

BIRD
Uh, what do they put in this birdseed?

The bird sprays shit out his ass all over her wall.

CINDY
Sorry to bother you about this, Dad
but I need you to send me some more
money. For some reason, the college
wouldn't accept the cash you sent
for my tuition.

She looks at a stack of 100's that are obviously counterfeit
smeared ink, "One Hundred Dollars" spelled wrong, Ben Franklin
in dreadlocks.

Cindy loads some items into a care package; a copy of "The
Hurricane," a shank, a zip gun, a file, a carton of
cigarettes.

CINDY
Keep checking your mailbox, I'm
sending you a care package. Oh, and
I'm putting in a little something
for your bitch Dwayne.

She puts an industrial-size bottle of "Ass-troglide" into
the box.

There's a knock at the door.

CINDY
There's Buddy! Gotta go! Bye Dad!

Cindy opens the door, and Buddy is waiting there with a bunch
of flowers. Cindy smiles, then punches him through the
flowers, in the chest.

CINDY
Open chest!

Buddy is sprawled on the floor with the wind knocked out of
him, flowers everywhere.

CINDY
Gotta be faster than that, thimble
dick!

Cindy and Buddy exit.

Megan keeps spewing and swearing.

REGAN
Fuck me! Fuck me!

BIRD
Girl, I wouldn't fuck you if I was
lying in the desert dying of thirst,
with buzzards all around, and your
ass was a water fountain.

CUT TO:

INT. DORM HALLWAY -- DAY

Tommy is pacing up and down the hall, shaking uncontrollably.
Ray walks up.

RAY
Yo' Tommy, what up, man?

TOMMY
I'm totally freakin' dude. I keep
having these nightmares, then I wake
up screaming with these awful back
spasms. I can't take it anymore,
man.

RAY
Aww, man. You just need to chill
out. Come on, there's this party
tonight it's gonna be fun. Lot's of
alcohol and honeys.

TOMMY
Alright, but I ain't drinking. and
you're gonna have to look after me.

RAY
Don't worry, I got your back.

Ray puts his arm around Tommy and they walk off down the
hall.

We see a TATTOO "RAY FUCKED ME." on his back. Ray moves his
hand and we see another tattoo that says... "AGAIN!"

CUT TO:

EXT. DORM BUILDING ENTRANCE - A LITTLE LATER

Buddy and Cindy exit the dorm. Buddy stops Cindy on the steps.

BUDDY
There's something I really want to
share with you.

CINDY
There's something I want to share
with you too. Here, smell this.

Cindy swipes her finger under Buddy's nose. Buddy reacts,
and Cindy runs off.

EXT. PARK - A LITTLE LATER

Cindy and Buddy are sitting under a tree together.

BUDDY
Cindy, about this whole friendship
thing...

CINDY
Yeah, I know, I just love having a
guy for a friend.

BUDDY
I know, but I've been thinking --

CINDY
(interrupting)
I know, but I've been thinking --

BUDDY
Listen to me I --

CINDY
(interrupting)
Listen to me I --

BUDDY
Look, what I'm trying to say --

CINDY
(smiling, fucking
with him)
Look, what I'm trying to say --

Buddy slaps Cindy in the back of the head.

BUDDY
Stop it! I'm just trying to say I
think we should take our friendship
to the next level.

CINDY
Oh.

BUDDY
I don't want to be your friend like
this anymore.

CINDY
Then what are we going to do?

BUDDY
You know, walking on the beach,
holding hands, kissing, making love...

CINDY
That sounds kinda gay, but since
you're a guy, I guess it's okay.

BUDDY
Let's get a hot dog.

They get up and start walking. Buddy sees a bee and protects
her from it.

BUDDY
Hey, look out, a bee!

CINDY
(charmed)
Oh, Buddy, I've never had someone be
so protective of me!

BUDDY
That's what your man is supposed to
do.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPUS -- CONTINOUS

Cindy and Buddy come upon an ICE CREAM VENDOR busy working
on his cart.

BUDDY
Hey, wanna' share a soda?

CINDY
Oh, Buddy, that's so romantic.

BUDDY
Yeah.
(then)
Can I borrow five bucks?

Cindy pulls the cash out of her pocket.

CINDY
What should we get?

BUDDY
I don't care. You pick.

CINDY
Hot dogs.

The vendor turns to reveal it's Hanson.

CINDY
Oh my God! Buddy, what are we going
to do?

No response. Cindy turns to see Buddy sprinting across the
campus.

CINDY
It was you...

HANSON
Yes, it was me all along. I killed
Hugh Kane and his mistress.

CINDY
Both of them?

HANSON
Didn't I just say that? Fucking
listen. Anyway, I did it all for
Carolyn. He never appreciated her,
but I worshipped that woman and still
she rejected me. So, I came back for
you. Just like I did for Carolyn.

CINDY
This can't be happening?

HANSON
Now you'll be mine, Cindy.

Hanson moves toward Cindy.

CINDY
Noooo!!!

HANSON
Yes!!!!

BLAM! Hanson is blindsided by a car which misses Cindy by
mere inches, but kills him dead.

INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS

SHORTY is driving the car, surprised by the thud.

SHORTY
What?

A girl with a BAG over her head (the ghoul), lifts her head
up off his lap, revealing a hole in the bag through which
she was blowing him, as we...

FADE OUT.

THE END

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