"SCARY MOVIE 2"
Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Alyson Fouse, Greg Grabianski
Dave Polsky, Michael Anthony Snowden, & Craig Wayans
INT. HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
A party is winding down. Only a FEW GUESTS remain. They all
are gathered around the piano. A YOUNG PRIEST, FATHER HARRIS,
plays an old standard. Everyone sings along. A WOMAN in the
group, mid-40's, conservative, really getting into the song,
starts giving a soulful rendition, dropping to her knees ala
James Brown. The song ends. Everyone cheers. Father Harris
Who knows this one?...
"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!"
They all join in.
A YOUNG GIRL, MEGAN, enters the room. She watches the group.
The group notices Megan and slowly stops singing.
Megan. Her eyes seem vacant, almost like she is sleep walking.
She mutters something.
You're going to die.
The group looks confused.
The young girl pees on the floor.
A WOMAN in the group, mid-40's. She is the girl's MOTHER.
The mother apologizes to her guests.
I'm sorry. She's been really sick.
Megan. THWACK!! She is smacked on the head by a rolled
Mom holding the newspaper. She shoves Megan's head into the
pee and rubs her nose in it as she continues to whack her
with the newspaper.
No! Bad girl! Bad girl!
EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT
The street is covered in thick fog. The only light is by a
A taxi pulls into the frame. It reads "YELLOW CAB."
A TALL, DARK FIGURE gets out of the taxi.
CAB DRIVER (V.O.)
Hey you, pay your fare.
The figure takes off, running into the fog.
God damn priests always pull this
Cab drives off.
INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS
A doorbell RINGS. It plays the THEME to "THE EXORCIST."
The mother answers the door.
The dark figure lifts his head up, revealing that it's Father
Uh... I'm Father McFeely
Father, come in, please.
Father McFeely enters. The mother closes the door behind
I'm so glad you're here.
I came as fast as I could, but at my
age the little soldier needs a lot
more thumpin before it starts pumpin.
If I tickle my ass before...
It's okay. I understand.
How is she?
She's gotten worse, Father. She won't
eat, she won't talk. The child won't
even let me touch her.
Yes... Sometimes you have to give
The mother gives Father McFeely an odd look.
They are interrupted by Father Harris. He extends his hand
Not unless you have a paternity test
to prove it.
Harris looks confused.
No, I was sent by the church to assist
you. My name is Father Harris.
They shake hands.
Would you like to see the girl?
Soon. First, I must bless this house.
McFeely walks to a room and opens the door.
INT. ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Small bare walls. A window in the center wall.
McFeely closes the door. He sits and opens a bible and begins
The window. Flies begin to appear.
McFeely. He wipes sweat from his brow.
BACK TO THE WINDOW:
More flies. Their BUZZING is loud.
McFeely, now sweating, profusely. He begins to cough.
The window is now covered with flies. The BUZZING is
McFeely, coughing and gagging.
Lord, please help me to release this
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
He's on the toilet. He lets out a loud fart followed by
Thank you, Father.
A DEMONIC VOICE is heard.
DEMONIC VOICE (O.S.)
Get out!!! You fuckin' pig!!!
The room door swings open.
McFeely tries to flush the toilet. It bubbles over with black
goo ala "THE AMITYVILLE HORROR." He hustles out of the
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
McFeely staggers out. Father Harris rushes over.
Father, are you okay?
Yeah, but you might wanna light a
match before you go in there.
Did you bring my bag?
Then let us prepare.
Both priests walk up the stairs.
INT. MEGAN'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
McFeely and Harris enter.
Remember, don't ask her too many
Because she will lie?
No, because her breath smells like a
Megan lays tied to the bed post of her bed. Her face is cut
up and twisted, eyes an eerie red. She's hooked up to an
I.V. with a small tube running out of her nose. It's shaped
like a CRAZY STRAW with red fluid going through it. The straw
leads to a cup. "SLURPIE!" Megan is wheezing, heavily. She
wears a tee-shirt that reads, "I went to Hell and all I got
was this stupid t-shirt."
They go to opposite sides of the room. Megan stares straight
Father McFeely sees that next to Megan's bed are some get-
well cards, flowers, balloons, and a teddy bear. He picks up
one get-well card: It features a cheesy, happy cartoon dog
saying: "Heard You Were Possessed By The Devil"... He flips
the card open and reads the punch line: "He Picked One Hell
Of A Nice Girl!"
McFeely, shivering, his breath visible, takes the metal cross
from his pocket and kisses it. But it's so cold in the room
that his lips instantly stick to the metal.
He struggles to pull his lips off the cross and finally
manages to painfully tear it off his face.
McFeely makes the sign of the cross to Megan.
Shove it up your ass. You worthless
piece of shit!
Father McFeely tosses a mint in her mouth.
Look, my child. We've come to help
Harris looks at Megan. He sits down on a chair besides the
Your mother's in here with us, Harris.
Would you like to leave a message?
I'll see that she gets it.
If that's true, then you must know
my mother's name. What is it?
Megan keeps a sharp stare on Harris. Harris' smile turns to
an angry stare. He rises and moves to her bedside.
What is it?
Megan leans forward. BLANCHHHH!!! She vomits a disgusting
green bile in Harris' face. Harris wipes it off, coughing.
That's right. Blanche was my mother's
name. You are the devil.
Harris tosses holy water on Megan. She falls back, writhing.
It burns! It burns!
McFeely, holding his crotch.
Damn Tijuana hooker.
Harris and McFeely begin to pray.
Our Father who art in Heaven...
Your mother sucks cock in Hell,
Harris tries to ignore her.
Oh shit, you gonna take that?
What she said about your mother?
Harris fires back at Megan.
Oh, yeah, well your mama got one leg
and does jumping jacks like this.
He puts his feet together and jumps them from side to side
as he claps his hands over his head.
So, your mama's so fat when she walks
by my bed, it does this.
Her bed bounces and bucks off the floor.
What about your mama? Her butt is so
big, she wipes her ass like this.
He makes an exaggerated movement of putting his hand behind
his head then brings it up high and back down over his face.
The exchange continues with the possessed girl getting the
best of Harris.
Enough! Begone from this child of
God. I command you by the power of
the living and the dead...
Megan groaning, flicking her tongue wildly at McFeely.
...to leave the young servant so
that she may return to her...
McFeely responds back with the same gesture, then simulates
her giving head, then starts wildly thrusting his pelvis,
simulating sex. Megan falls back on her pillow and moans.
Harris shoots McFeely a hard look.
McFeely stops. Harris continues.
In the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit, I cast you out.
McFeely, coughing, hardly able to catch his breath.
Megan on the bed, laughing. Smoke billowing out of her mouth.
Harris rushes to McFeely.
Father, are you alright?
McFeely nods yes, revealing he's smoking a joint.
This is some good shit.
He offers a hit to Harris.
My holy water.
Harris gives him the bottle.
McFeely takes a swig.
Ahhh, that's better.
McFeely splashes some on Harris, playfully.
He clears his throat and starts again, taking turns splashing
the booze on her and taking sips from it.
The power of Christ compels you!
He splashes her again, then takes a sip.
She roars. Lights flicker. The scary, pale "DEATH HEAD"
flashes over her again. But this time, it's picking its nose.
The "DEATH HEAD" realizes it's seen and quickly pulls its
finger from its nose, trying to look all scary again.
The power of Christ compels you!
He splashes more booze on her and takes a sip. By this time,
Father McFeely is getting drunk.
The power of Chrishht compelshh yooo.
He's stumbling around, splashing the walls.
Power of compelshh Chrishhts you, or
Suddenly, the girl's straps break and she starts floating
Harris watches in awe. A MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT passes a hoop
David Blaine, kiss my ass.
The girl continues to float up into spinning blades out of
the ceiling fan. WHACK! The blades slam into her head, sending
her flying back down on to the bed.
Father, I think you should rest.
No, I'm fine.
He staggers over to the bed, kneels and starts to pray.
Harris exits the room to retrieve his medical bag. He returns
to find McFeely lying unconscious on the bed. Megan, sitting,
quiet looks at McFeely.
Harris rushes over to McFeely.
Harris grabs McFeely and throws him down to the ground.
McFeely's eyes open.
I must have dozed off.
Harris, caught up in the moment, is oblivious that McFeely
is okay. He starts pounding violently on his chest.
Harris knee-drops McFeely. His efforts to revive McFeely
resemble a WWF grudge match. Harris diving off of furniture,
slamming down on McFeely. Finally, he checks his pulse. He
thinks McFeely is dead. Harris shouts out at Megan.
Look what you've done!
Megan sits, quietly.
Harris dives on top of Megan and starts choking her.
Take me! Take me!
McFeely sits up, still drunk and disoriented. He notices
Harris on the bed.
He sees Father Harris on his hands and knees. His robe is
hiked above his waist exposing his naked ass.
Take me! God damn you, take me!
McFeely, now on his feet, smiles as he moves toward Harris.
It turns to shock and horror. He looks possessed as we hear
the sound of penetration.
Harris dives out the window.
McFeely watches as Harris tumbles down the long staircase.
Megan begins to giggle.
You failed, McFeely. Your weapons
are useless against me.
You're mistaken my child. The Lord
has greater weapons than me.
McFeely picks up his bible.
Hear the word of the Lord and be
McFeely lifts up a crucifix.
See the cross of the Lord and tremble!
If ye still not have faith, then...
McFeely reaches into his jacket and pulls out a .44 magnum.
...suck on this!!!
Megan's eyes widen.
THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.
SMASH CUT TO:
"SCARY MOVIE II"
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- DAY -- ESTABLISHING SHOT
The campus is alive as STUDENTS make their way to class.
A souped-up muscle car driving through the parking lot.
INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS
The driver, DWIGHT, a nerdy man between 25-30, glasses,
thinning hair line. He drives recklessly, shouting at the
people in his path as he honks his horn.
Come on. Move it.
A GUY ON CRUTCHES walks in front of the car.
Come on, peg legs. I ain't got all
Dwight whizzes past, causing the man to fall.
Dwight notices a girl in a short skirt.
Hey, sweetie, ever heard of a gym?
I've seen pool sticks bigger than
Dwight continues. He finds a parking space, whizzing before
another car that has been waiting to take the space.
Dwight yells at the irate motorist.
Sorry, but the fastest feet win.
Dwight shuts off the engine, and opens the door before he
exits. We see a wheelchair unfold. Dwight hops in. He is
paralyzed from the waist down. His legs dangle, lifeless. On
his feet, a new pair of Air Jordan sneakers.
Dwight wheels around to his trunk. He pops it open and removes
his briefcase and a Razor scooter. He places his feet on the
scooter and rolls the wheelchair with his hands. Off he goes.
EXT. CAMPUS -- LATER
In the middle of the campus quad, there is a distinguished
statue of Thomas Jefferson.
PAN DOWN TO REVEAL:
A black woman slave and a bunch of nappy-headed black kids.
A plaque reads: "Once you go black, you never go back"...
Sitting on the base of the statue are CINDY and SHORTY.
So, do you think you made it into
I don't know, but I sure hope so.
You could use the grade, huh?
Nah, I need a place to stay. So how
do you like being in college?
Okay, I guess. It's so intimidating.
You know being away from home, not
knowing anyone. I feel like such a
geek sometimes. Everyone's so cool
and I'm so not.
Aww, you ain't that bad. You just
need a little flava. First thing we
gotta do is get you some new gear.
Gear. You know, clothing.
Let's start with some rhythm. Sway
back and forth like this.
Shorty demonstrates. Cindy begins to mimic, clumsily.
Yeah, something like that.
Now, go left, right, left, right,
Shorty demonstrates. Cindy follows.
Left, right, left, right, crossover
Now you gotta learn the correct slang.
Shorty begins to demonstrate.
Yo! That jacket is tight.
Yeah, now go uhn, uhn, uhn!
Uhn! Uhn! Uhn!
Yeah, you feel that? Now put it all
Cindy now completely rhythmic and soulful, executes the
combination, just as a nicely dressed YOUNG FEMALE STUDENT
POW!!! Cindy connects with the student's jaw.
Another crunching blow.
Cindy smashes her foot to the face of the student. The student
falls to the ground.
Uhn! That jacket is tight. Now run
that shit, bitch.
The student nervously gives Cindy her nice leather jacket.
Cindy slaps Shorty high-five.
The student takes off running.
Cindy puts on the jacket and poses in a gangster lean.
Am I cool now?
Almost... Look, I gotta bounce. I'll
holla at you later.
Cindy gives Shorty a hug. They go their separate ways.
INT. MEN'S DORM -- RAY'S ROOM -- LATER
RAY, and his roommate, TOMMY, are getting dressed. Their
friend, BUDDY, waits impatiently.
Hey, man, you two boners aren't ready
yet? We're gonna miss the bus, Ray.
Coach says if our GPA drops below 2
we're off the squad.
Don't worry, we'll make it. Say,
what do you guys think, tucked in or
Ray, naked with his dick tucked between his legs, making it
look like he has a vagina.
No doubt. That's what I thought.
Ray and Tommy continue to get dresses. Buddy waits.
If you two hadn't been out partying
last night, you'd be ready by now.
It was awesome, dudes. We got fucking
wasted. I had like a whole keg. Dude,
I was so shitfaced. I woke up naked
in a tub of ice.
I woke up naked, too.
Hey, dude, you got a tattoo.
What does it say?
It says, "Ray."
(checks Tommy's back)
Sweet. Hey, you got a tattoo, too.
Get out?! What does it say?
Aww. Cool. Dude.
They read each other's tattoos ala "Dude, Where's My Car?"
"Ray fucked me."
Buddy gives Tommy a wedgy.
Totally got me, fuck.
He tries to fix his underwear.
Come on, dude. We're gonna be late.
Ray grabs his stuff. He and Buddy exit.
See you later, man.
EXT. CAMPUS -- DAY
Cindy passes several activity booths. She notices a YOUNG
PRETTY GIRL on the phone, obviously upset. Her name is ALEX.
That's it! I don't want to be treated
like this anymore. It's over. Goodbye.
Have a nice life.
She hangs up the phone. Cindy approached.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just broke up with
my boyfriend, that's all.
That's always tough. How long were
Well, we never made it official, so
I guess we were technically never
really boyfriend and girlfriend, but
I was seeing him in school. I saw
him at the mall about six months ago
and I was too nervous to introduce
myself so I followed him to his car,
and jotted down the license plate
number. It was registered to his
mother, so I went to her house. She
was so nice. I mean, she seemed like
she would be nice 'cuz I never really
spoke to her. I just waited til she
went to work then I climbed in through
her window and borrowed her phone
book. I say borrowed because I'm
going to give it back one day. But
anyway, I called everyone in it til
I found her son. He wasn't home when
I called so I left this message how
much in love I was with him. I was,
and how I wanted to have his children.
Just really opening up, and he never
called back. I'd call and call, and
anyway, six months and two restraining
orders later I just decided I deserved
better. What about you? Do you have
No, I haven't dated in a while. My
Alex interrupts, totally uninterested in Cindy's story.
Hey, look there. My friend Brenda.
BRENDA is on the financial aid line, standing before the
Okay, here's your loan check. Your
grant check. Your disability check.
And oh, a block of government cheese.
She steps out of line. We see behind her a HOMELESS MAN,a
WELFARE MOTHER with KIDS, a CRACK ADDICT, etc.
Cindy and Alex approach.
Do I know you?
Well, actually, we've never met
officially, but I bumped into you at
the cafeteria and you were so sweet.
I said, "I'm sorry," and you said,
"Watch it, white bitch, or I'll put
my size eight in your ass." I thought
how cool. I wear a size eight, too.
Anyway, this is my best friend, Cindy.
We already know each other. Hey,
Hey, Cindy. Your friend needs help.
Actually, I just met her. This is
Oh my god. Madam Elsa, my psychic,
told me I would meet somebody whose
name starts with a letter of the
Really? That's amazing.
Hey girl, that jacket is slamming.
You better be careful. I heard some
girl got her ass whooped and jacket
stolen earlier today.
(off Cindy's look)
Hey, what class do we have next?
Me, too. 101?
In room "302" at ten o'clock?
Oh, this is too much. I'm gonna have
to play these numbers. Remind me to
pick up a Lotto ticket.
The girls take a few steps before Brenda grabs Cindy by the
arm just as they're about to pass an iron post between them.
Wait, don't split the pole. It's bad
Brenda walks around Cindy's side and they go on to class.
You don't really believe that stuff.
Just then, TWO OTHER STUDENTS split the pole on either side
and are mowed down by a car.
Oh yes, girl. After my near-death
experience, I've become very
spiritual. I can feel my angels all
around me, Oh, look a penny...
Brenda picks up the penny. They walk past a fountain.
That's good luck. Wait, let me make
a wish and throw it in the fountain.
(closing her eyes)
I wish for a lot of money.
She tosses the penny into the fountain.
(opening her eyes)
Oh, look, it worked.
She reaches down in the fountain and grabs both hands full
God is good, y'all
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS -- ESTABLISHING SHOT -- A SHORT TIME
INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- CONTINUOUS
A STUDENT walks up a flight of steps through a set of swinging
He sees Dwight coming towards the doors in his wheelchair.
There you go my man.
Hey, pal, I can handle a door by
The student let the doors go. They swing, smashing into
Dwight, sending him flying. ANOTHER YOUNG STUDENT rushes to
Are you okay? Let me help you to the
I am not handicapped! I can use the
steps like anyone else.
Dwight wheels himself over to the stairs. He successfully
navigates one step then goes tumbling violently down the
That's one more than last week!
INT. SCIENCE BUILDING - PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S OFFICE - A SHORT
Dwight and PROFESSOR OLDMAN, 50's, distinguished, are present.
I finished all the interviews.
Let me see the files.
They're on top of the bookshelf.
I'll get them.
Dwight wheels himself over to a bookshelf. As he attempts to
retrieve the folder, the professor moves to assist him.
Let me help you.
I don't need your help. I'm perfectly
Dwight climbs the bookshelf, reaches the top, and lifts up
the folder. Just then, the bookshelf topples over on top of
Dwight. His hand extends from the mess, holding the folder.
Here you go, Professor.
Are these all the subjects?
Dwight, disheveled, glasses bent, gets back in his wheelchair
and makes his way over to the Professor.
Yes. The scored all over the Kiersey
Temperament Sorter just like you
Any of them hot?
Dwight rolls his eyes.
I also took the liberty of putting
those with near-death experiences on
Good thinking, Dwight. Traumatized
co-eds are a sure thing.
(dripping with contempt)
As I am sure you are aware, Professor,
subjects who are close to death are
statistically more likely to have
the suggestibility required for
paranormal investigation, which is,
of course, why I've given them special
Look, whatever you say, kid, but the
more they're hurtin', the more they
need a squirtin', if you know what I
(then, off Cindy's
Ooh, I like her.
Cindy Campbell. Classic abandoned
personality disorder. She seems
guarded, but willing to do this.
Willing? I like that.
(then, off Ray's
And, this one?
That's Ray Williams. I couldn't quite
figure him out, but he seemed very
eager and excited when we met.
Professor holds up another photo of Ray. In this one, he's
got his shirt off and his thumbs hooked in his jeans' pockets.
Oh, that's the picture he sent me
after our interview.
The Professor continues looking at the pictures and files of
Shorty, Ray, Brenda, and Cindy.
Car accident, gun shot, multiple
stabbings, a hook through the back...
Where did you find these kids?
They are the survivors of the
Steveston County massacre.
Fantastic. These kids are exactly
the kind of catalyst needed to awaken
How are we going to get them all up
I'll make it part of the class. We'll
tell them they're participating in a
study on sleep disorders.
And what happens when all hell breaks
We record and document it. We're
gonna make history, Dwight. The first
documented, unrefuted evidence of
life after death. The book sales
alone will be worth millions. I'll
be rich, and you my friend, will
have one hell of a thesis paper.
Now, what time is orientation?
In about fifteen minutes.
Remember, Dwight, not a word to
INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER
Buddy, Ray and a couple of other guys are horsing around.
Smiling, Buddy, flicks a guy's ear. Slaps ANOTHER'S hat.
They all take it good and naturally return the friendly abuse.
Whoa! Who laid one?
Whoever smelt it, dealt it.
Buddy hits Ray in the chest.
Loose nuts. You better hide them.
Ray stands grabbing the guy's crotch. Everyone stops laughing.
What? You guys don't know this game?
The girls walk past, interrupting the moment.
Dude, look out.
Ray turns. He and Cindy collide. Her books fall to the ground.
Ray, not recognizing her, bends down to help her with her
things. Their eyes meet. They are both shocked to see each
I'm sorry, I should have been watching
Oh, my God, Ray! What are you doing
It's the sequel.
Listen, no need for you to worry.
All that stuff that happened before
is behind us. Let's just try to move
I am. So just do me a favor and stay
away from me.
Cindy storms into class.
Brenda pushes through the guys. She sees Ray. Their eyes
Though guarded, we can see they still have feelings for one
Brenda hurries into the classroom.
INT. PROFESSOR OLDMAN'S CLASSROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The Professor addresses the class: Cindy, Alex, Brenda,
Shorty, Dwight, Ray, Buddy, and THEO.
Welcome everyone. I'm Professor
Oldman. All of you have been carefully
selected to be in this class. This
course is very unique in that each
semester my students take part in a
bona fide study for which they receive
an automatic grade of "A" upon
completion. This semester's study is
insomnia. All of you have some kind
of sleep disorder that we will attempt
to resolve or at least find the origin
THEO, a striking looking woman who is drop-dead gorgeous,
with a body to match, raises her hand.
Excuse me, but I don't have a sleep
It's okay. You have a "D-cup." You're
in the right place.
My assistant, Dwight, will be passing
out directions to everyone.
Dwight rolls over to the desk, picks up some papers, then
rolls over to a few steps.
Would you like me to help you pass
I don't need your help.
Dwight tips over in the wheelchair and falls hard against
the floor. Everyone is taken aback. Crawling, Dwight passes
out the papers. Everyone reaches down to collect one from
You should arrive no later than 6PM
tonight, and plan to be there until
Monday. That's it for now. I'll see
you all this evening.
Class ends. Everyone exits. Buddy notices Cindy has left her
book. He grabs it and goes after her.
INT. SCIENCE BUILDING -- HALL -- CONTINUOUS
Buddy catches up to Cindy.
Hey, you left your book back there.
Thanks. I'm Cindy.
Buddy hands her the book. The cover reads "Dummies Guide to
So, I see you're really into spooks.
No. I never date outside my race.
I meant you're into ghosts.
Oh, yeah. I'm just curious about
that kind of stuff.
So it looks like we're going to be
spending the weekend together.
Maybe we can study together or
I'm sorry, Buddy. You seem really
nice, but I'm just getting over a
really bad relationship, and I'm not
ready to start dating yet.
Buddy looks disappointed.
But, hey, maybe we can be friends.
Sure, that would be cool. Friends.
Okay. See you later, friend.
She turns to walk away. Buddy notices the top of her panties,
grabs and yanks them up.
Cindy hears the ripping sounds and feels the burn. She turns
to see Buddy running away.
Smell you later! Ha! Ha!
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY
A small car drives by.
INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy, singing along with the radio. She sounds terrible.
The song stops.
Hey, will you shut the fuck up and
let me sing?!
Cindy, embarrassed, stops singing. The song starts up again.
Cindy checks the address as she drives up.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy's car makes it's way up a long driveway.
EXT. HELL HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER
Cindy walks up carrying luggage.
Door. Cindy grabs the knocker.
The knocker is a set of balls hanging from a bronzed male
figure on the door. She slams them hard against the door.
No answer. She bangs the knocker again. Still no answer.
She pushed against the door. It opens, slowly.
INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy enters, walking through the house. She makes herself
at home, nosing into things she shouldn't and speaking in
general to no one.
She walks over to an answering machine and hits "play."
No new messages.
She puts that down and moves a couple of pieces on a chess
She takes a bite off a half eaten sandwich and drinks the
last of a glass of milk.
She deliberately knocks over a domino and sets off an
elaborate carefully planned layout.
Is anybody here?
She digs through the cushions of a chair and pockets some
I was told there'd be somebody here.
She opens a couple of pieces of mail and reads it, then...
Hello? Your test results are in.
Cindy continues walking through a swinging door and finds
HANSON, a well-dressed man, middle-aged, with a short arm
and a little hand. He's in the middle of preparing food. He
holds a meat cleaver in his hand as he turns toward her.
Cindy is startled.
Oh my God! I'm here with the...
Yes, Professor Oldman's group. Forgive
me. I didn't mean to frighten you.
He puts down the cleaver, and moves his hand towards Cindy's
My aren't you a lovely child.
Hanson strokes her face. Cindy fakes a strained smile.
(tapping her nose)
And what is your name?
Cindy, almost cross-eyed, watching his finger.
(extending his hand)
I'm Hanson the caretaker.
Cindy reluctantly shakes his hand.
I'll show you to your room. Let me
help you with that.
He grabs the luggage.
Whoa, that's heavy. I better use my
He grabs the luggage with his little hand. The bag opens,
spilling all of Cindy's items over the floor.
I'm so sorry. I'll get them.
As Hanson retrieves the items with his little hand; a
toothbrush, underwear, and other personal effects, Cindy
looks on in horror.
INT. BASEMENT -- LATER
A makeshift lab as been set-up with monitors and other high
Dwight and the Professor discuss the project. Dwight is
wearing a brand new pair of roller blades.
I have taken care of everything,
including medical supplies and blood
storage. We want to be safe.
Right. What about condoms?
Hey, you're the one who brought up
safety. I'm perfectly willing to go
Would you please focus?
What's all this stuff?
Well, this measures the amount of
thermal imbalance within a room down
to the tiniest molecular disturbances.
The Professor is distracted by a bank of monitors.
Are those cameras all throughout the
Yes, I thought that it would be best.
Even in the bathroom?
Dwight gestures to a monitor.
So, if one of our little chickadees
is taking a shower which one of these
buttons do I press to get a close-
After dinner, you and I will take
shifts throughout the night. I don't
want to chance miss anything.
Excuse me, sir, but the students
have started to arrive. Dinner will
be ready shortly.
I'm the caretaker, not the handyman.
(off Dwight's footwear)
Nice skates. Be careful. You don't
want to fall and break something.
Hanson exits before Dwight can respond.
I'm going to change for dinner.
I'll see you shortly.
Sounds good. I'm just going to run
up to my room. Hop in the shower.
Jump into my jogging suit, and I'll
be right there.
The Professor exits.
INT. DINING ROOM -- NIGHT
Cindy enters. Ray, Shorty, Professor, Dwight, Alex, Brenda
and Buddy are all already gathered.
(barely noticing Cindy)
Hey. What's Up? Uh huh.
Theo enters the room. Everyone stares.
Buddy approaches Cindy.
Buddy punches her in the chest. Cindy goes flying.
Gotta be quicker than that, "A-cup!"
Cindy staggers to her feet.
Well, are you boys just gonna stand
there with your mouths open, or is
somebody gonna offer me a seat?
Cindy sits just as Buddy unknowingly grabs the chair from
under her to give to Theo.
Cindy crashes to the floor.
Many chairs are pushed in front of her including Dwight's
Dwight sitting on Ray's lap.
(referring to his
It's the best seat in the house. I
warmed it up for you.
Theo sits next to the Professor.
Cindy and Dwight reseat themselves.
Professor, is this the same house
that a young girl was possessed by a
demon or something?
Yes, it was reported, but never
Yeah, just like that charges regarding
me and that blind Haitian girl.
Pass me the salt.
Brenda tosses a handful of salt over her shoulder. It goes
into Dwight's face.
Hey, what are you doing?
Keepin' evil spirits away. And if
that don't work I always got this.
Brenda pulls out a gun and cocks it.
Not to worry. There's been no reported
activity in the house for over twenty
Let's not forget, folks, this is a
study on sleep disorders.
Ah, yes, which reminds me, who here
thinks they'd wake up if somebody
snuck into their room and started
sniffing between their legs?
Hanson rolls in a cart filled with a variety of food,
including a huge turkey.
Enough spooky stuff. Let's eat.
Well ain't we gonna bless this food
Allow me... God is good, God is great,
but not all the time. Sometimes he
could be a real asshole, because it
seems as though every time I try to
establish a relationship with him,
he never returns my calls. I've been
praying for twenty-four years and I
haven't heard his voice yet. Not one
message on my answering machine.
Your miracles don't impress me. It's
your quality time I want. So, if you
hear me, and I know you're up there,
thanks for the food. It's the least
you can do. In Jesus' name, don't
let me get started on him, Amen.
Alex looks up to see everyone staring in awe.
Anyone care for appetizers?
Everyone chimes in their request.
Hanson removes the long napkin draped over his arm, revealing
his short arm and little hand with its stubby fingers. He
uses this hand to hold the tray of appetizers. He offers
some to the Professor.
Hanson walks around the table with the tray, offering.
Everybody reaches to take one. They realize that the
appetizers look creepily like Hanson's fingers. Cindy breaks
the tension and reaches for a roll.
How about these buns?
Yeah, they're so warm and soft.
Ray pulls his finger from Buddy's ass. POP!
Oh, my bad.
Sure, I'll just set them down and
you can help yourself.
Everyone grabs a roll. Cindy takes a big bite.
Ummm!! They smell delicious.
Thanks. I made them by hand.
Everyone drops their rolls. Cindy spits a mouthful into her
The potatoes are just about ready.
Let me just go whip them up real
He whips the potatoes. His knuckles dip into the bowl,
covering them with potatoes. Hanson licks his knuckles.
Ah, that's good. Dig in.
Hanson places the bowl on the table.
And now for the turkey.
Say, what do you say you let me do
that? You just relax. You've done
Oh, nonsense. It's my pleasure.
Hanson raises a large knife, then rests his little hand on
the turkey to hold it steady.
You know, making a turkey is a real
art. The trick is in the stuffing. A
lot of people are afraid to get their
hands dirty. Not me. When I stuff
it, I like to get the whole hand up
in there. And you know I use a secret
ingredient in the stuffing...
Hanson pulls out a box of "HAMBURGER HELPLESS" with a crippled
white glove on the box.
Everyone moans. Their appetites, ruined as Hanson continues
to tear up the turkey.
Who's first? Anyone like a wing?
Yours, or the turkeys?
I supposed you'd like a leg. How
That's it. I'm gonna put my food in
your ass. I should warn you, I'm a
black belt in karate.
Dwight pulls out a picture of himself in karate outfit lying
on the floor with one leg up in a pose.
You don't scare me. I was a Golden
Hanson pulls out his own picture of himself, shirtless in a
boxing pose with a regular glove and a miniature glove on
his little hand.
I got an idea.
Is there anything you didn't make?
Well, the dessert. I ordered out.
Great. What do you say we just skip
the heavy stuff and go straight to
Well, I guess if that's what you all
Hanson goes to retrieve the dessert. He returns with a large
Everyone smiles. Hanson cuts a piece, slowly. Everyone watches
to see if he'll put his hands in it. He doesn't.
Hanson places the pie on Cindy's plate.
Cindy smiles. She's about to take a bite when Buddy sticks
his finger in the pie.
He takes the pie from Cindy, but before he can take a bite
Dwight sticks his finger in the pie.
My germs! Ha, ha!
The professor reaches to cut himself a piece of pie when...
Hanson shoves his finger in the pie.
My germs! Ha, ha!
Everyone tosses down their napkins and gets up from the table.
(licking his fingers)
Funny, I always win that game.
INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT
Everyone gathers around the fireplace, enjoying after dinner
She stands behind the bar, mixing drinks for the guys.
What can I get for you, boys?
Yo, I'll take a "Sex on the Beach."
Make mine a "Screaming Orgasm."
Ray, what do you want?
Balls on My Chin...
(off their reactions)
What, you out of "Bacardi?" Fine,
give me a "Mud Slide."
Theo gets behind the bar and begins to entertain everyone
with a nice display of bottle tossing. She is flipping bottles
of alcohol behind her back, under her arms, between her legs.
She then jumps on top of the bar and lays on her back and
starts spinning the bottles on her big tits!
Professor, what's the history of
I'm glad you asked. It actually makes
for a pretty good bedtime story.
The Professor picks up a children's book. "This Old Haunted
House." He sits in front of the fireplace.
Everyone gathers around the fireplace.
This house was built in 1898 by a
man named Archibald Keaton as a gift
to his wife, Cora.
Yes, I feel their spirits. Cora...
Keaton... I am here to communicate...
No, they sold the house in 1920 to a
millionaire, Uriah Bloodworth.
Yes, of course, Uriah. I feel his
No, he lost the house after the stock
But he could still be haunting the
house. He's angry that he had to
He's not dead, you idiot. He lives
in Florida. Now, shut up and let me
Brenda, sheepishly, sits down. NEW ANGLE:
GHOST'S POV of the group.
It moves slowly towards them.
Anyway, the last owner was a very
rich man who built his empire off
the blood and sweat of the people in
this town. He lived like a king until
one day the servants of the house
A log in the fireplace snaps, startling everyone.
I think there's more to the story.
I can feel something evil in the
house. It's all around. In the wall,
the floor, this piano...
She strums the wire keys. One snaps and smacks her in the
Brenda, are you okay? Come sit.
No, you don't understand. It's here
in these statues...
She touches two statues, holding lights. They smash her in
the head. She staggers over to a Cuckoo clock.
The clock strikes twelve. The bird shoots out and pecks her
in the face. She falls into a mirror.
Her own reflection punches her in the face.
Brenda sails against the wall. She sees a collection of swords
and knives displayed on the wall.
The knives start to rumble.
You're right. Not in the knives.
She turns to see on the adjacent wall, antique guns.
It's in the guns.
BLAM! The gun fires. Brenda goes down.
My God! Is she dead?
No, they're just powder burns, thank
God. They were empty. Get her
Maybe this house is possessed.
No such thing. What you all witnessed
was psychosomatic, purely self-induced
reactions brought on by hysteria.
Now I want everyone to get some rest.
We will start our testing in the
EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT
The wind howls. Doors and windows rattle. A full moon shines
INT. LAB -- NIGHT
The Professor speaks into a tape recorder.
The group responded beyond
expectation. Cindy and Brenda seemed
most susceptible to the suggestion
of horror. Brenda exhibiting both
delusion and hysteria. Group fear
should manifest itself and intensify
as the night progresses.
Dwight is reviewing the video tapes from earlier. He notices
an image on the tape.
Professor, I think you should see
What is it? Some tits? A beaver shot?
No, these are the tapes from the
living room. Check this out.
Dwight rewinds the tape. We see Brenda being attacked.
The image there.
Are you sure it's not the tape?
I don't think so. It's on all the
cameras, and check this out. The
thermal readings inside the house
dropped ten degrees when the image
Congratulations, Dwight, it's begun.
INT. LIVING ROOM -- LATER
Cindy walks past a bird cage. She notices the little bird is
Oh no, little bird.
Cindy gently removes the bird from his cage.
INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy enters, lifts up the toilet seat, and is about to flush
the little bird when Shorty walks in holding a cigar box.
Oh, my bad.
He notices the bird.
Aww, the little bird died.
Yeah, I didn't know what else to do.
(looking at the cigar
Hey, I got an idea.
INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Open cigar box.
We see little bones being tossed into the box.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL:
Cindy and Shorty eating the fried bird.
That was a great idea, Shorty.
I told you it would taste just like
Cindy and Shorty finish eating, and toss the final bones in
the box. Cindy closes the box, She notices something strange
in the kitchen.
All the cabinet doors are open and the chairs are stacked on
Did you do that?
You better go get Dwight and the
INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER
Shorty returns with the Professor and Dwight.
Cindy finishes drawing something on the floor.
Alright, Cindy, what's so important?
Professor, you guys gotta see this.
Dwight, come here.
Cindy grabs Dwight's chair, places him in a circle on the
floor. In front of the circle are arrows pointing to the
What the hell are you doing?
Just wait, you'll see.
Dwight's chair moves by itself, slamming Dwight head first
into the wall.
Yippie! Wasn't that amazing?
It's some kind of energy field. We
better record this.
Got my camera right here.
Professor grabs Dwight's chair. Dwight is still dazed as he
is placed back in the circle. Again, his chair flies forward,
slamming him into the wall.
I got it!
That's fantastic. Our first
phenomenon. This is going to be a
great weekend. You guys better get
some sleep. Dwight and I will take
over from here.
INT. DARK HALLWAY -- LATER
It moves through the hallway to Theo's room.
INT. THEO'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Ghost CAM finds Theo sitting at the vanity table removing
Theo senses something. She looks around.
She shrugs and continues to remove her make-up.
Theo notices a pimple.
SPLAT!!! Goo hits the mirror as she pops the pimple.
Theo reaches for a brush. As she looks down the mirror is
tipped-up by the ghost. She doesn't notice.
Theo looks up and notices something else. There's a booger
in her nose.
Oh, my. How long has that been there?
She picks her nose and flicks the booger.
The booger lands on the ghost. We see it shaking wildly as
the ghost tries to get it off.
Theo lifts her foot up and cracks her toes. She examines her
Oh, I need a pedicure.
She looks on the table for something.
Shit, forgot my clippers. Aw, fuck
She raises her foot to her mouth and bites her toenail.
Huh? Who said that?
Theo gets up and locks her door.
Not knowing the ghost is behind her, she turns and faces
Theo unhooks her bra.
The bra. As it hits the floor we see two false breasts fall
Theo's real breasts are saggy.
Theo scratches her breasts under, on top, and around the
nipples until she's satisfied.
Ahhh, that's better.
She walks past the ghost still scratching, this time under
Whew, not fresh are we?
By now, the ghost is ready to give up. From his POV we see
he doesn't follow Theo.
Theo bends over to get something out of her bag.
Theo's perfect ass.
He makes his move.
The Ghost CAMERA moves in on Theo's ass.
Just as he's about to attack, Theo farts, loudly, releasing
a translucent green gas that makes the ghost sickened face
visible for an instant.
The Ghost, waving in front of his nose.
Whew. I was holding that one in all
She stands and turns. We see she's holding a box of tampons.
That's it. The ghost takes off running, slamming the door
INT. HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Cindy is walking to her bedroom.
Suddenly, she hears someone whispering her name.
Cindy... Cindy Cindy.
She stops and listens.
Who is it? Who are you?
Help us Cindy. Help us.
Help you how?
Check the music room.
The voice disappears.
Where are you?
Buddy, walking down the hallway, tossing a football in the
air, sees Cindy.
Buddy fires the football.
BONK!!! The ball beans Cindy right in the head. She goes
Dude, you suck.
Cindy staggers to her feet.
You know, Buddy, about this friendship
Yeah, it's great, isn't it. I think
it's so cool... have a girl as a
That's just it, Buddy. I'm a girl.
You can't be so rough with me.
Then what kinda stuff can we do?
Gentle stuff like talking, sharing
thoughts and ideas, secrets and past
experiences. Stuff like that, you
It sounds gay, but guess since you're
a girl it's okay, huh?
Yeah, it will be fine. I wanna check
something out. Will you come with
Sure. We can practice talking.
INT. MUSIC ROOM -- SHORT TIME LATER
Cindy and Buddy enter. Buddy's in the middle of a story.
So, this hot Spanish chick is licking
my balls and I'm fingerbanging her,
right, just then...
Wait, I'm just about to tell you the
Cindy notices something on the floor.
Oh my God. Look.
Dude, somebody's on the rag.
Buddy and Cindy follow the footsteps.
They lead to a secret passage.
Cindy opens it to REVEAL a secret room.
INT. SECRET STUDY -- CONTINUOUS
It's an old, dark creepy study. Shelves of dust covered with
books, several paintings on the wall, an old wooden desk.
It must be a private study, or
Cindy finds an old newspaper.
Headline: "Servants Kill Hugh Kane." There's a picture of
HUGH KANE and an article on the killing.
There's more to the story of this
house than the Professor told us. It
says here that Hugh Kane had a wife
who died mysteriously a week before
the servants killed him.
Buddy looks at the painting on the wall. He wipes away the
dust exposing the face.
The painting is of a woman. It looks like Cindy. She's wearing
a pendant around her neck.
Whoa, check this out. She looks like
Wow, she's beautiful. You really
think she looks like me?
Her hair doesn't have as many split
ends at yours. Her skin isn't as
oily as yours, either. Also, sometimes
your eyes get kinda squinty and they
look like you might have Down's
Syndrome or something. Otherwise the
resemblance is uncanny.
Cindy is feeling terrible about herself now. For a moment we
think the criticism is done.
Oh yeah... another difference is she
looks more sophisticated and classy.
More feminine. And her tits are
perfect. Not pointy and funny looking,
or spaced too far apart...
Cindy finds a small chest, ornately decorated. The name
"Carolyn" inscribed on it.
Buddy, look at this. I think it
belonged to her.
Suddenly, a loud noise.
Cindy and Buddy nearly jump out of their skin.
A BLACK CAT.
Come on, let's get out of here.
This place is giving me the creeps.
Cindy grabs the chest and they exit.
INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
The room is dark. The only light is the moonlight. Brenda
stirs in bed. Ray is next to her.
Shhh... It's okay.
Ray, have you been here all this
I just wanted to make sure you were
I'm fine. Just a few bruises.
So, I guess I can go now.
Yeah, I think I'll feel better
sleeping in the arms of a strong
Yeah, me too.
Brenda gives a confused look.
I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be
Ray sits on the bed for a moment. He notices a clown doll
sitting in a rocking chair across the room. The moonlight
gives the clown face an eerie glow.
Ray takes off his shirt and tosses it at the clown, covering
its face an causing the chair to rock.
Ray gets down and does a few push-ups.
The door. A fog-like mist comes into the room. Ray feels a
chill and checks the thermostat.
Damn, it's cold.
Ray goes to retrieve his shirt. He notices the clown is gone.
Ray looks around and doesn't see the clown doll anywhere.
Suddenly, a rustling noise comes from under the bed.
Ray's breathing, quickens. He knows where he must now look.
Ray slowly lowers himself head first to the floor of the
bed, in preparation to look under it.
He very, very carefully lifts the dust ruffle and lets the
top of his head touch the rug. Ray is upside-down as he looks
into the darkness under his bed.
Under the bed. The clown is there, face to face with him,
In the split-second it takes for a child to draw a breath
and let it out through the vocal chords, the clown wraps its
five foot extension arms around Ray's neck, cutting off half
WIDE ANGLE HIGH.
Struggling now for his life, Ray is dragged helplessly under
the bed and out of sight. Under the bed we hear a struggle,
followed by the evil laugh of the clown.
CLOWN DOLL (V.O.)
Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!
Oh, you want to play!
We hear more struggling.
CLOWN DOLL (V.O.)
Hey, stop that? Homey don't play
The clown attempts to climb from under the bed, only to be
dragged back under by Ray. Now we hear Ray laughing,
Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!
CLOWN DOLL (V.O.)
No! No! Noooooo!!!
INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Brenda enters to find Ray out of breath, and buckling his
Are you okay? I thought I heard
Oh, I'm fine... just clowning around.
The clown doll. His pants are down by his ankles. His head
turns to the camera. His smile is gone, replaced by a frown.
A single tear is running down his face.
INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
The window blows open. Curtains flutter in the wind.
Alex sleeping. Her head back, her mouth open. She snores,
lightly, unaware of the presence in the room. A breeze brushes
past her causing her hair to move. Alex remains asleep.
The ghost pulls up her t-shirt to reveal a pair of perfect
Her breasts get squeezed at the base, and bulge out like
water balloons, but she still doesn't wake up.
The GHOST continues kissing her neck.
Alex moans, still sleeping.
Her mouth opens wider. We see a growing indentation in her
cheek as if something is going in and out of her mouth.
Suddenly, Alex's eyes open. She sits up and tries to speak.
The back of her head stretches to the shape of a penis.
Alex struggles with the force, finally breaking free.
Somebody help! Help!
The ghost pins her to the bed and attacks her. Throwing her
arms over her head, Alex screams.
Then throwing her legs behind her head, she screams again.
The ghost starts fucking Alex. He's very rough and dominate.
Oh, my God. Yes! Yes!
The ghost drags her up the wall and over a portrait of a
solemn looking man.
Then Alex's butt slides over his face and the man is now
The ghost drags her across the ceiling and crashes her head
into the light fixture.
The sexual Olympics continue as she spider-walks down the
wall and is dragged across the floor, smoke comes up from
Oooh. Oooh. Rug burn. Rug burn.
The ghost gets Alex back to the bed and flips her over to
reveal tire skid marks down her back.
Still the sexcapades continue.
EXT. HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS
The bedroom window is totally fogged over when Alex's hand
hits it and slides down the glass ala TITANIC.
INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Suddenly, it stops as quickly as it begun.
Alex lays disheveled on the bed.
The door slams.
Alex lights a cigarette.
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Cindy, sitting in bed, trying to open the chest. She is
startled by the sound of the door creaking open.
The black cat enters. Cindy gives a sigh of relief.
Hey, kitty, kitty. How you doin'
The cat pauses and gives her the finger by flicking his claw
out with the gesture.
Suddenly, the cat attacks grabbing and scratching her throat.
Cindy tosses the cat off and jumps to her feet.
The cat lands and pounces right back.
Cindy catches it and throws it down harder, sending it
crashing into a table which smashes into pieces.
Cindy and the cat circle each other.
The cat grabs a bottle from the table, breaks it, holding
the jagged side out towards Cindy.
The cat jumps on Cindy, knocks her to the floor, pinning her
down. The cat tries to shove the broken bottle into Cindy's
Cindy, desperately, holds back the cat's paw. Her teeth
gritting with effort.
Cindy slowly turns the bottle towards the cat, who now looks
Cindy makes her move, flipping the cat over. Now, she's on
top pushing the bottle close to the cat's throat.
The cat gives a huge effort and shoves Cindy off of itself.
Fighting dirty, the cat reaches into its litter box and throws
some of the sand in Cindy's eyes. The cat then picks up a
chair and breaks it over Cindy's head, then jumps on her
back and tries to strangle her with piano wire. But Cindy
manages to flip the cat forward over her shoulder.
Cindy runs into the bathroom and locks herself inside.
INT. CINDY'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Kitty's paws reach for her from beneath the door.
His eye peeking through the keyhole.
Suddenly, an ax chops through the door making a big enough
hole for the kitty to reach in and turn the knob.
Somebody help me!
Cindy is desperate. She looks for anything that might save
her. Cindy grabs a ball of yarn.
Here, kitty, kitty. Look...
Cindy plays with the yarn.
The cat can't resist. He wants the yarn.
Go get it.
Cindy tosses the ball of yarn, it flies out the window. The
cat leaps after it, falling to its death.
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy staggers out of the bathroom, bloodied clothes torn.
Theo rushes to her.
Are you okay?
I think so.
Come on. We better get you cleaned
INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT -- SHORT TIME LATER
Theo tends to Cindy's wounds. The professor pours a cup of
I'm telling you, it was possessed.
Theo, did you see the animal?
No, I just heard the commotion, and
when I got there I guess it was gone.
What, you think I did this to myself?
No, I'm just saying cats are known
to be very territorial animals, and
it is likely it did attack, but it
doesn't mean it was possessed. Maybe
the two of you should sleep together.
What are you getting at, Professor?
Only that if this cat did attack,
he's less likely to come back if the
two of you were, let's say, together.
Come on, it's college. Time for you
two to experiment.
Cindy, I don't think we're going to
get any help here.
Actually, I'd be more than willing
to walk you through it.
Come, Cin, I'll make sure you're
Theo and Cindy rise to exit.
Good idea, and don't forget to give
her a good-night kiss.
There's something going on in this
house. I'm not crazy.
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Cindy enters and says good-night to Theo.
Good-night, Cin. I'll be next door
if you need me.
Thanks, I'll be fine.
Cindy closes the door and walks to her bed. She notices a
picture has fallen off the night stand.
Cindy places it back on the nightstand.
Cindy turns to climb into bed when she hears the picture
fall again. This time the frame breaks, revealing a key hidden
in the frame.
Cindy examines the key. She gets an idea.
Cindy retrieves the chest she found in the secret study form
beneath her bed. She places the key in the hole and turns
The chest opens.
Cindy finds several items.
Pictures of Carolyn.
An old fashioned dildo.
The pendant worn by Carolyn in the photos.
Cindy walks to the mirror, slowly placing the pendant around
her neck. She looks up into the mirror. Her eyes have a
strange look. She slowly turns and looks at the bedroom door.
INT. KITCHEN -- LATER THAT NIGHT
The refrigerator door opens. We see the Professor looking
for a snack. He grabs an apple.
Cindy wearing a sexy red dress ala "Michelle Pfeiffer."
She shakes her head.
She takes the apple.
Got a problem with that?
Yeah, bitch, give me my apple. What's
gotten into you?
He snatches the apple back.
Cindy walks over to a basket of fruit on the counter and
picks up a banana.
Provocatively, she peels it and, looking deep in his eyes,
she slips the banana into her mouth, sliding it in and out
simulating a blow job. Suddenly, the banana breaks off in
her throat and she starts to choke on it. She turns red,
gagging and coughing.
Gock -- gock -- gock...
Finally, realizing that something is wrong, the Professor
runs over to her and does the Heimlich on her. She finally
spits up a big chunk of banana and it plops on the floor.
Recovering, she sits back down on the stairs, continuing her
seduction. She picks up a whole pineapple and starts licking
it sexually and finally shoves the whole thing in her mouth,
again simulating a blow job.
He's getting back in the mood, getting turned on again.
She drops the pineapple and picks up a watermelon, shoving
that in her mouth -- stretching out her mouth and face,
insanely. She slides it in and out of her mouth.
Satisfied that the Professor is well turned on, Cindy drops
the watermelon. She then grabs a lit candle and struts to
the kitchen steps where she sits and places the candle between
The Professor watches, seductively.
Cindy spreads her legs, lifts the front of her dress. A strong
gust of air comes from between her legs, blowing out the
candle. The wind is so strong, it begins to blow papers and
the Professor back.
There. That's better.
Cindy gets up and walks over to the Professor. Only the desk
stands between them. Cindy grabs him by his tie, choking him
as she pulls him up onto the table.
I take it you're not mad at me.
I wouldn't go that far.
She grabs his belt and pulls him into her, then holds the
apple to his mouth. He takes a bite and she mashes it hard
into his mouth, then pulls it out along with his dentures.
He quickly pops them back into his mouth.
Cindy rips open his shirt to reveal unusually large nipples
for a man.
Then unbuckling his belt and pants to reveal an adult diaper
She pushes him back onto the desk and straddles him.
I don't like this, this...
(pinning him down)
Why don't you shut up, Professor?
Cindy reaches her hand down the Professor's pants. She feels
something then stops and stares deeply into the Professor's
I think she's starting to suspect
Suddenly, Cindy's face turns into RAY'S FACE.
The Professor screams, then pushed RAY off him. He gets up
from the desk and starts fixing his pants and runs out of
Cindy's face as it morphs back.
Oh, my God. It happened right here.
She came home. She saw them.
Don't touch me!!
Cindy passes out.
Dwight rushes in, sees the Professor, his pants by his ankles,
and Cindy unconscious on the floor.
What the hell?!
It's not what is looks like. She's
having a breakdown. Help me get her
to her room.
EXT. HELL HOUSE -- THE NEXT DAY
Clouds and an overcast sky set a dark mood over Hell House.
The grey skies tell us a storm is brewing.
INT. FOYER -- CONTINUOUS
Buddy, coming down the main stairs notices the Professor
duck behind a door.
Buddy investigates, following the Professor.
INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS
Buddy slowly creeps down the steps. He peeks around the
corner, keeping the Professor in sight. Buddy sees the
Professor enter the lab.
INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS
Professor, we need to talk.
What is it, Dwight?
I think we should consider cutting
the experiment short.
The force in this house is far greater
than I anticipated. In one night I
recorded cold spots, shifting magnetic
fields, the E.U.P. is picking up
white sounds everywhere.
That's why we came here, remember?
Yes, but I've seen the tapes. This
poltergeist is becoming increasingly
more violent. We all could be in
danger. I say we pull the plug.
Whoa, Dwight, I say when we pull the
plug. Get a hold of yourself. Dwight,
we're on the verge of greatness and
I'm about this close to getting laid.
Now, the bus will be here on Monday.
Until then no one leaves.
He's been listening to everything.
Now, here are the keys to the gate
and the cell phone. No one gets access
to either, understand?
Dwight nods yes.
INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Shorty is watering the seed plant. It is a tremendous size.
It's as tall as a tree.
Shorty closes a window, and climbs into bed.
He reached over and sets his digital alarm clock to wake him
at "C.P. Time."
Next, he pulls back the covers on his bed and pops a gold
tooth out of his mouth. He then places it in a little
drawstring bag marked "Tooth Fairy" and puts it under his
Finally, he closes his eyes.
Suddenly, he's awakened by the sound of rattling chains and
I can't sleep like this.
He pops a tape marked "Ghetto Lullabies" into his radio and
pushes the play button.
The sounds of gun fire, police sirens, and a WOMAN screaming
They done killed my baby! Why Lord?!
Ah, that's better.
Shorty tries to sleep, but just tosses and turns.
I know what I need.
Shorty finds a joint and lights up.
INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Alex is now pacing the floor, smoking a cigarette, pissed
off. She goes over to her "Ouija Board" and begins to try
summoning the ghost.
(moving the arrow
along the board)
Hello?... Ghost?... Baby, are you
there?... I've been waiting on you
for almost ten minutes now! Where
INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Shorty, sitting up, totally stoned, talking to a "Wilson"
The rest of this scene to come.
INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Alex is now sitting on her knees in the middle of a circle
of candles. She's chanting as she rocks back and forth.
Oh, ghost of the night, I beseech
thee. Oh fickle fleeting ghost of
the night, I beseech thee.
Still no response.
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
She begins to tear up the room.
Smashing lamps and vases against the wall.
Ripping his portrait down and kicking it with her foot.
Tearing the feathers out of her pillows with her bare hands.
INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Shorty lies in his bed, totally paranoid. His eyes wide with
fear. Every sound makes him jump.
Suddenly, there's a bolt of lightning, and it begins to rain.
Shorty jumps out of bed and runs around the room looking for
Wilson! Wilson! Wilson!
INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Alex is sitting in a corner, her hair a mess, her make-up
running. An empty wine bottle and glass, along with an ashtray
filled with half-smoked cigarettes are at her feet.
THE SOUNDTRACK FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY" PLAYS.
Alex, staring straight ahead, flicking the light on and off.
She is Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction."
INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Shorty, still counting, is interrupted by another flash of
lightning, and rumbling of thunder. The lightning illuminates
the weed plant, giving it an ominous shape.
Shorty, terrified, clutches the volleyball.
One one thousand. Two one thousand.
Three one thousand.
Suddenly, the weed plant comes to life. Its limbs smash the
window as it reaches in and grabs Shorty.
Ray, Buddy, and Brenda enter.
They see the plant using the sheet like rolling papers rolling
Shorty into a human joint.
They all rush to help him.
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Cindy is reading Carolyn's journal.
Tonight, Hugh and I made love for
the first time. Ha, ha, ha, talk
about little. I can't take living
with him any longer. He's becoming a
monster. Darkness is all around us.
Poor Hanson died today; burned alive
in the furnace. They say it was an
Cindy closes the journal.
Oh, my God!
Suddenly, her door slams.
Cindy's closet. A bright light begins to glow inside. Cindy
sees the light. She sits up. Suddenly, her bedroom door slams
A huge wind starts to suck the items in the room into the
Cindy grabs the headboard at the bed and starts to yell for
Help! somebody help!
INT. SHORTY'S BEDROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
A bolt of lightning strikes the tip of the human joint,
lightning the tip on fire.
Help! Help! He's trying to smoke me,
Ray and Buddy grab Shorty and pull him to safety, just as
the plant is sucked out of the window, into the night.
Just when they think it's over, they hear the sound of Cindy
Oh my God, Cindy!
INT. CINDY'S BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy clings for dear life to the bed as BAM! Alex kicks in
the door just as Cindy's panties slide down to her ankles.
You cheating son of a bitch! Touch
her and I'll make sure that's the
last piece of possession you have.
You son of a bitch! Oh, what you
gonna play like this? I know you
didn't do that!
The wind stops, dropping an unconscious Cindy to the bed.
What, one woman isn't enough for
you? Must you channel every girl in
this house? How would you like it if
I fucked another ghost, huh?
Heavy invisible footsteps make their way to the door.
Where do you think you're going?
This isn't finished. That's just
like you, every time things get
serious you disappear.
The door opens and slams shut as Alex continues to scream
Don't forget! I know where you rot!
(then to herself)
Selfish bastard. All you entities
are the same.
Enter Buddy and Dwight.
What happened here?
Ask your poltergeist stealing whore!
Alex storms out.
She's in shock. We have to get her
in a tub of water.
INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Buddy places Cindy in the tub, turns on the water, and
splashes some in her face.
Dwight checks her pulse.
She's okay. She won't be able to
move for awhile. Her body has to
recover from the trauma. Just leave
Buddy and Dwight exit.
The tub faucet still running.
The drain plug. It closes shut. The tub starts to fill with
INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy is still in the tub. As her eyes open. Terror crosses
The bath water is rising above her chest.
Cindy's hand. She can barely move a finger.
Cindy's foot. she wiggles it over to the chain holding the
The bath water is now at Cindy's mouth.
Cindy lifts the chain with her foot, then slams down her
heel up-ending the drain plug.
Relief... until she realizes the water is still rising.
Her foot digs down the drain and pulls out a clump of hair.
Water at her eyes and still rising.
Her foot hops out of the tub and grabs a plunger.
The foot plunges the drain. Still nothing. Water rising.
Cindy, head tipped back. All we see is nostrils.
Water spills out of the tub and onto the floor.
Cindy's foot grabs a pen and paper, writes a note, stuff it
in a bottle, and then tosses the bottle into the spilled
The bottle floats away.
INT. FOYER -- (OR WHATEVER ROOM EASIEST TO DO THIS GAG) --
Water pours in the room around the group's feet.
I say we leave now.
Wait. I'm sensing someone else in
CRASH!!! A bottle smashes across Brenda's head.
(holding a broken
Don't start that shit again!
The note falls out of the bottle.
Look, a note.
"Help, I'm drowning -- Cindy."
They all rush to the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy, totally submerged, staring fare to face with a whale.
Suddenly, she is lifted out of the tub.
Cindy nods "yes."
Now we got everybody. Let's get out
INT. KITCHEN -- A SHORT TIME LATER
She sings a happy tune as she cooks breakfast.
Cindy, Ray, Theo, and Brenda gather around the island. Shorty
Damn, it smells good.
He reaches for a piece of bacon. Alex slaps his hand.
That's for someone special.
I'm glad somebody got laid.
I never kiss and tell.
Shorty joins the group.
(Note: During this scene, no one is paying attention to Alex)
Yo, there's some freaky shit in this
house. Y'all hear that loud banging
Sorry about that.
Brenda was right. There's more to
the story than the Professor told
us. I found a secret room. It had
all these news clippings about Hugh
Kane. He was a very evil man.
(talking to the sky)
Ah, they just don't know you the way
I found a picture of his wife.
Alex grabs the plates of food and throws them in the trash.
Let that bitch make you breakfast.
Cindy passes the picture to Theo.
Wow! She looks just like you... except
she doesn't have as many split ends
as you and her skin isn't as oily.
Theo passes the picture to Ray.
Yeah, and sometimes your eyes get
all squinty and it looks like you
got Down's Syndrome.
Brenda takes the picture from Ray.
Yeah, girl, damn near twins... except
she's more sophisticated and classy.
You got that cute, trailer park look.
Brenda shows the picture to Shorty.
No doubt... and her tits are perfect,
not at all pointy or funny looking.
You got them National Geographic
Cindy snatches the picture back.
Okay, I get the point.
So, whatever happened to her?
She killed herself a week before he
Oh, he was a widower. Why didn't you
(addressing the sky)
Don't worry, sweetie, I can whip up
a new batch in a flash.
I think he wants me.
Ha! Right bitch!
Everyone looks at Alex.
Cindy, that does sound a little crazy.
She's not crazy. I saw the picture,
and I'll tell you guys something
else, the Professor is up to
something. Him and Dwight got a whole
lab set up in the basement. We're
here for an experiment, alright, but
it ain't insomnia. I heard Dwight
tell the Professor there's a
poltergeist in this house and we
could be in danger.
What? I'm getting outta here.
We can't leave. The gates are locked
and Dwight is the only one with the
Don't worry. Give me five minutes
alone with Dwight. I'll get the keys.
INT. BASEMENT -- LATER
Dwight, working on equipment, is distracted. Theo, standing
in the doorway, dressed very sexy.
Theo swaggers over to Dwight.
What are you working on?
Just a little experiment.
Theo rubs his shoulders.
Work, work, work. Is that all that
Well, there's a lot riding on this
Theo straddles Dwight.
The Professor might have everyone
else fooled, but I know who the real
brains of the operation is.
That's what turns me on about you,
Dwight. You're so smart.
Of course. So sexy.
She runs her fingers through his hair.
Ooh, you hair is so soft and silky.
What do you use on it?
Just a little Rogaine.
Theo notices clumps of Dwight's hair has fallen out into her
hands. She wipes it on his shirt.
And those sexy eyes.
She removes Dwight's glasses.
Dwight's eyes, both looking in different directions. He has
no muscle control.
Theo quickly puts on his glasses.
What do you say we put on some music?
Theo turns on the radio.
She turns to a station.
SONG ONE "WALK ON BY..."
She quickly changes the station.
SONG TWO "WALK THIS WAAAY!..."
Again, she changes the station.
SONG THREE "THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING..."
Theo turns off the radio.
What do you say we make our own music?
She kneels in front of Dwight stroking his thighs.
You know, Dwight, I hear you're the
only one who has the key to the gate.
What if I wanted to borrow those
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Theo unbuttons Dwight's pants.
Sure you can, baby. Look, you help
by giving me the keys, and I'll help
by giving you...
She pulls his dick out and is about to give him a blow job.
I don't need your help. I can do it
Dwight starts sucking his own dick.
Theo looks on in shock. Dwight is going to town on himself.
Theo grabs an object and smashes Dwight in the head, knocking
him out cold. She rifles through his pockets and takes the
INT. LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
The group is gathered in the living room. Shorty watches TV.
Theo rushes back to the group.
I got 'em.
Great! We should leave before it
starts to rain.
Suddenly, lightning and thunder. Rain pours against the
I say we wait till the rain lets up,
then we make a break for it.
NEWSCASTER on TV.
This just in... Heavy rains will
continue to plague the region for
the next two days.
We'll just call a taxi.
Now, an update on the recent taxi
strike. No progress in sight.
Hey, we can take my car.
There's been a major recall on all
Japanese made cars. Auto makers warn
when exposed to rain the cars explode.
LOUD BOOM and FIREBALL out window.
Fuck it. We'll hike if we have to.
The bodies of six hikers were found
today torn to shreds by wild animals.
I know, we can build a plane and fly
Now, that's just fucking stupid.
Buddy shuts off the TV.
Alright then, we'll just hunker down
for tonight. Maybe we'll get a break
INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS
The Professor enters and finds Dwight with his head in his
Dwight, what the hell are you doing?
The professor lifts Dwight's head and sees what he was doing.
Now that's a talent. Dwight, wake
Dwight slowly comes to.
I can do it myself.
Yeah, I can see that. Later I want
you to teach me that trick, but right
now we have a job to do.
The keys. She took the keys.
The Professor notices Buddy on the monitor, unplugging the
Shit. They're onto us. Keep an eye
on them. I'll take care of this little
The Professor exits.
INT. DINING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Buddy climbs down off a chair and joins Ray.
I think we got the one's up here.
I think it's time we had a little
talk with the Professor.
INT. BASEMENT -- MOMENTS LATER
The Professor exits the lab and heads for the stairs.
Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of a beautiful
female ghost in flowing white robes. She illuminates a
brilliant white light.
Hello?... Have we met?... Hi...
The ghost lures the Professor down the corridor.
We are in a different section of the hallway.
The Professor continues to follow the ghost. He has a bit of
trouble keeping up.
Ummmm... Hello?... Umm...
The Professor follows into yet another area of hallway.
The ghost tempts the Professor into a pitch black corridor.
Ummm... Are you Mrs. Hanson?
Ummm... Who are you, you gorgeous
The Professor disappears into the darkness.
He takes out a lighter to illuminate his way.
Hello?... Hello? Are you hiding?
Where are you, sexy pants?
A horrific look crosses the Professor's face. The beautiful
spirit morphs into Hugh Kane's Ghost.
The Professor takes a beat.
What the hell? I've done worse.
The Professor walks into the darkness.
(REST OF SCENE TO COME)
INT. ALEX'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT
Alex sits in front of her vanity mirror, wearing a sexy robe
and nightgown. She brushes her hair, humming to herself
happily, full of anticipation.
She takes her perfume -- "Obsession" -- and dabs some on her
neck, behind her ears, inside her thighs. Then she puts the
bottle to her mouth and -- glug, glug, glug -- drinks the
whole thing down like Gatorade.
Alex applies hot wax to a waxing strip then to her legs,
tearing it off. Satisfied her legs are smooth, she does her
underarm. She then applies a wax-soaked strip between her
legs then tears it off.
She checks the strip to reveal her pussy lips stuck to the
She puts them back between her legs.
She rises and walks over to the old 19th century-style
portrait of the supposed ghost, which once hung prominently
downstairs. It now sits propped up in a corner of her room
with a shrine set up all around it consisting of candles,
little "I love you" hearts, and her vibrator.
Alex walks over to the portrait, regards it lovingly for a
moment, and then kisses the figure sweetly on the lips. Then
she works her way down the portrait -- hungrily kissing,
nibbling, and licking. When she pulls back, seductively, the
cobwebs, dust and spiders that were clinging to the portrait
are now all over her face. She doesn't care, she simply
brushes them aside -- she's in love.
This one goes out to that someone
special from Alex over at the Hell
House. She says that even though you
two have only known each other for a
short time now, she feels a certain
connection to you that she's never
felt with any man alive. And even if
it doesn't work out between you two,
she wants you to know that there
will always be a special place for
you in the heart. So, Poltergeist,
this one's for you.
Alex climbs into bed and spreads rose petals all around.
Everything's ready. She sits back and waits.
While she waits, she puts the time to good use by doing some
sexual calisthenics. She lies flat on her back, sticks her
legs in the air, and stretches them wide apart a few times.
Then she gets on all fours and does a few stick-your-ass-
high-in-the-air stretches. One-two-three.
Then she does the simulated oral sex gesture, first with the
right hand, then with the left, making sure her forearms are
nice and loose. One-two-three, one-two-three.
A few facial and mouth exercises and she's done.
Well, I'm going to sleep now. So, if
there's some ghostly man out there
who wants to take advantage of me,
there's probably nothing that I will
be able to do about it because I'm
really a heavy sleeper! Okay, here I
Alex gets under the covers and pretends to fall asleep.
A beat and Alex opens her eyes and looks around.
I'm asleep now. I really am.
She closes her eyes.
A count of ten and she sits up.
INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER
Just as the GANG is about to leave the house, a LOUD RUMBLE,
along with a violent wind, all the doors and windows lock.
Everyone desperately tries to open a door or break a window.
He won't let us go. He's going to
Quick, everyone to the lab.
INT. BASEMENT STAIRS -- MOMENTS LATER
Dwight leads everyone to the basement door. He opens it. A
long flight of concrete steps.
Those steps look kind of hard. I'm
gonna need some help.
By now, the group is so used to Dwight going down steps,
they simply give him a push.
Dwight goes tumbling down the hard steps. The gang running
Dwight lands hard at the bottom of the steps. The group
tramples him as they rush by.
Don't mind me. Save yourselves.
INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS
Everyone assembled inside. Dwight finally catching up, his
wheels slightly bent and his glasses, a mangled mess.
Quick. Lock the door.
BUDDY and SHORTY lock the door.
What are we gonna do?
We have to destroy him.
How we gonna destroy what we can't
I got it! We shave off our pubic
hairs and use the shampoo for ten
days. What? Ya'll never had crabs?
Dwight rolls over to a complex machine with a circle marked
on the floor in front of it.
Ghosts are just energy fields. We
can capture that energy. We can
dissipate it! But in order to do
that, we've got to get him in here.
On that spot.
That's great Einstein. How are we
gonna do that? There's a powerful
force out there ready to render us
helpless, tear on our flesh, and
penetrate our bodies.
He's right. I should go first.
He's so brave.
Dwight rolls over to a supply cabinet, opens it and starts
to hand out equipment.
Dwight is arming the teenagers, giving them each a strange
These are highly experimental guns
that emit a bolt of concentrated
energy able to damage ectoplasmic
cells, giving it the ability to injure
or even destroy a ghost. There is no
ammunition. You only get three shots
a piece, so use it very wisely.
Goofing with his gun, shorty fires it at Brenda's butt,
Conserve your ammunition!
Sorry... right, right...
Shorty is startled by a cockroach and shoots it.
The only way we're going to track
down these ghosts is if we're all
wearing one of these...
Dwight pulls out a DICK PUMP! They all look at him crossed.
Dwight realizes what he's holding in his hand.
A dick pump?
I mean these!
Dwight holds up a pair of goggles.
These are thermo-goggles.
The kids are putting on their goggles, trying them out.
These can be used to track the ghosts.
These goggles work on the principle
of body heat. They're so powerful,
they'll even show where body fluids
of any kind have been recently, even
if it been wiped clean.
The kids look at each other and notice Dwight has goo in his
He may be invisible, but we have the
advantage of being armed with the
most innovative and complex high-
tech equipment known to man.
How are we gonna stay in touch with
one another? Do we have walkie-talkies
No, we have these.
Dwight brings out several sets of two paper-cups with a string
attaching the two. The string is only about 10-15 feet long.
All the money was spent on the guns
and the goggles.
He hands them out.
Let's get that bastard!
Alex points her gun at the group.
No, I won't let you do it.
Alex, what are you doing?
Shut up, you slut. You think you can
take him from me? Well, over my dead
Alex runs out of the lab. Cindy tries to stop her. Theo steps
in the way.
Let her go, Cin.
But he'll kill her!
That means more screen time for us.
Alright, let's split up.
Every time some scary shit goes down
and we need to stick together, you
white folks always say "Let's split
She's right. We should stick together.
Alright. Come on, you guys.
All four of the white people take off, leaving Ray, Shorty
and Brenda behind.
Ain't that some shit?
Ray, Shorty, and Brenda head off in the other direction.
INT. SECRET STUDY/FOYER/LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM --
Alex exits the basement, frantically searching for the ghost.
She runs into the secret study.
Huey, where are you?
The ghost, in the foyer, catches sight of Alex and tries to
hide. Alex sees him and starts for the foyer.
Huey, Huey, baby, we have to talk!
To protect himself and do harm to her, the ghost hurls a
chair at Alex in the foyer.
He hurls a statue at her.
Massive boulders come tumbling down the steps in hope of
Alex runs into the music room, smashing through a television.
Come on, baby, we can work this out.
She takes a few steps and trips over the carpet.
If we just stick together no one can
hurt us, love!
The piano flies up, landing on Alex.
I think we have to get a little
She crawls from under the piano.
As Alex heads for the dining room, the door slam shut.
Immediately, several knives come flying at her. The knives
form Alex's outline in the door.
Alex swings the doors open and enters the dining room.
Almost immediately, she's pulled (by the ghost) across the
dining room table, eventually landing full force to the floor.
As she lies there, the chandelier drops from the ceiling,
pinning her down.
Alex is dying.
Oh my god! Alex!
Theo cradles Alex's head.
I think I'm dying, Theo... I just
want you to know, you're the best
friend I've ever had...
(she coughs, pained)
Do you remember that time we met?
Theo nods, sadly.
And remember the time in the sixth
grade, at the dance? We wore the
same dresses, but that didn't stop
us from having the best time ever.
Theo looks confused.
Um... we --
Alex coughs some more.
And remember that trip we took to
Africa? That safari was so wonderful.
Me, you... best of friends... forever.
Uh, Alex, we've only know each other
Oh... I guess I'll die now.
Okay... maybe that would be best.
Alex closes her eyes, seemingly dying. Theo starts to get
up. Suddenly, Alex opens her eyes...
Oh, remember that time I got my
training bra and you --
Theo looks at her watch, impatiently.
Right... well, bye.
Alex lays her head down and seemingly dies again. Theo starts
to leave. Alex sits up again.
My favorite memory was when we --
Would you die already?!
Theo looks around and grabs a pillow, finally smothering
Alex to death.
Theo slowly gets up, surveying the scene.
AS SHE EXITS, WE CUT TO:
INT. DOWNSTAIRS FOYER -- LATER
THEO AND DWIGHT
You check down here, I'll check
Theo looks confused as Dwight crawls upstairs, dragging his
INT. BASEMENT AREA -- MOMENTS LATER
Shorty, astray from the rest of the group, tries to find Ray
Shorty takes a breather. He takes a seat and enjoys a blunt.
Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about.
Fuck this ghost hunting shit. I don't
know where to look for no ghost.
Shorty exhales the smoke, REVEALS the ghost sitting next to
Shorty screams and jumps to his feet.
Yo, son, why me? What you want with
Shorty blows out more smoke in an effort to reveal the ghost
as he bucks away. It works. Another puff and the ghost's
face appears again.
Leave me alone. Stay away from me.
Shorty continues the process of toking the blunt and blowing
Finally, Shorty takes a huge pull, blows the smoke out, and
the menacing Ghost face appears. Shorty curls in fear.
The ghost approaches Shorty. It's apparent that Shorty is a
dead man. The ghost brings his face very close to Shorty's.
The ghost laughs, hysterically, obviously high.
INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS
Ray and Brenda.
You hear that?
She notices Shorty is gone.
I don't know. He was right behind
us. Wait here. I'll be right back.
INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS
Shorty and the ghost are joking it up.
THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?
Shorty blows smoke in the ghost's face. They inhale. It
appears that Shorty has inhaled the ghost.
A count of two. Shorty exhales, blowing the ghost out.
That was awesome.
The ghost runs straight at the wall, and goes through it.
He peeks his head through.
Shorty takes a hit off the blunt then charges at the wall.
SLAM!!! Shorty knocks himself unconscious.
INT. BASEMENT FURNACE ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER
Cindy and Buddy enter the furnace room.
Where the hell are we?
It looks like the furnace.
Let's get outta here.
Wait, I want to check something.
Give me a hand.
Buddy helps Cindy open the large furnace door.
The inside of the furnace. Black ashes is all that can be
Cindy picks up an iron poker and pokes around the ash.
What are you doing?
Cindy sees something. She stops.
I found Hugh Kane's wife's diary.
It said Hanson the caretaker died in
Cindy clears away the ashes to REVEAL a human skeleton.
Well, if that's Hanson, then who's
the guy with the hand?
Suddenly, the skeleton comes to life. It rises from the ashes.
Buddy and Cindy run. The skeleton follows.
Let's split up and meet at the other
INT. BASEMENT AREA -- CONTINUOUS
Brenda. She hears someone yelling.
Brenda peeks around the corner. She sees Cindy running towards
her. Cindy is screaming for help. Brenda ducks behind the
Now, why that bitch gotta bring that
shit this way? I hope she didn't see
Brenda peeks around the corner. Cindy trips and falls. The
skeleton gets closer.
Good! I hope that shit kills her and
just leaves. God is looking out for
Cindy is back to her feet and hauling ass. Brenda ducks back
behind the wall. She is now nervous and shaking. The screams
get closer. Brenda begins to pray.
Lord, if I die, I'm going to fuck
this bitch up for getting me involved.
Cindy rounds the corner to discover the dead end.
Oh my God! We're dead!
It would've just been you, if you
would've kept your mouth shut.
They hear the footsteps getting close.
What?! What is it, a monster?!
The skeleton turns the corner. Cindy sees him first.
Aahhh! There it is!!!
Brenda turns and sees the skeleton. Her fear subsides.
Aw, shit girl. This what you're
running from? He ain't nothing but a
skeleton. His skinny little ass can't
Brenda just stands her ground. This skeleton runs up and
grabs Brenda by the arm. Brenda makes a face as if she's not
What?... this ain't shit.
With the skeleton still gripping her arm, Brenda raises her
arm, effortlessly lifting the skeleton off the ground. It
hangs there, looking worried and looking down at it's feet
It's just a bunch of old bones. No
muscle, no strength. He hardly even
She flicks the skeleton off her arm. It hits the ground.
Dazed, it gets back on it's feet. Brenda stomps her feet and
moves like she's going to jump at it. The skeleton cowers,
throwing up its arms and looking scared.
What you gonna do?
As the skeleton tries to run, Brenda plucks off its head.
Cindy smiles, realizing the skeleton poses no threat.
Hey, give it back.
Brenda and Cindy play Keep-Away with the skull. The skeleton's
headless body running back and forth between them, arms
flailing, trying desperately to get its head back.
Finally, Cindy catches the skull, moves aside and sticks her
leg out, tripping the body. It tumbles to the wall and lies
Brenda reaches down and grabs the bottom section of the
skeleton's spine, destabilizing the body. Like a house of
cards, all of the bones crash down into a heap.
Brenda holds a bone to her head.
Hey, look, I'm Wilma Flintstone.
Hey, I have an idea...
INT. BASEMENT AREA -- FEW MOMENTS LATER
The skeleton is put back together, but completely messed up.
It's hopping on one hand, it's head stuck on its tail bone,
one leg sticking balanced on top of the rib cage, etc.
Go on, get out of here.
The skeleton goes hopping along the hallway, humiliated.
INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- LATER
Buddy joins Cindy and Brenda.
You guys okay?
Yeah, it takes more than a bag of
bones to scare me.
Suddenly, Buddy is lifted off his feet, his arms and legs
Oh my God, the ghost has Buddy!
Brenda do something!
Brenda takes off running. Cindy watches, confused.
Cindy fires at the pipes, one burst. The steam REVEALS the
Cindy has a clean shot. She takes it.
The ghost is hit. He drops Buddy and flees.
Buddy falls, bangs his head.
(rushing to Buddy)
Are you okay?
Buddy checks his head.
Yeah, I think I'm bleeding.
Come on. There's a first aid kit in
Cindy helps Buddy to his feet. They head to the lab.
INT. SECRET STUDY -- LATER
THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS SHOT ENTIRELY FROM THE GHOST'S POV:
The Ghost enters to see that the room is no longer a mess,
but has been cleaned with a woman's touch.
First, he spots a teddy bear sitting in his chair.
He sees flowers placed around his portrait.
A vase of roses on his desk.
There are a pair of woman's panties on the desk lamp. He
picks them up to inspect them. Disgusted, he throws the
panties on the floor.
The ghost then catches sight of a three-layered wedding cake
set on a table.
Finally, he sees that Alex has pasted a photo of her face,
over the face of his beloved Carolyn in her portrait. This
sends him into a tirade.
He smashes the vase of flowers to the floor, before doing
the same to the wedding cake.
The ghost smashes the mirror.
Finally, he tears Alex's photo from the painting.
As he backs away, we:
INT. LAB -- A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Cindy is tending to Buddy.
Cindy, I've been thinking about this
whole friend thing. I never had a
friend that cares for me the way you
do... I mean, there's Ray, but he
cares for me in a different way. You
know, bringing me flowers. Running
my bath water. And then there's nights
I wake up screaming and I look over
and Ray's in my bed. Holding me. And
seeing that tonight might be our
last night together, I was thinking...
That we should take our friendship a
Oh, Buddy, I was thinking the same
thing. It might be our last night in
this house. And I think we should
take full advantage of it.
I was thinking the same thing.
He pops a mint in his mouth and unbuckles his pants.
(lost in thought)
We should act out our inner most
Like, I've always wanted to walk on
Cindy turns around and does a slow motion imitation of an
What about you, Buddy?
Well, I was hoping to get my balls
They hear a noise.
Cindy gets an idea. She runs in the freezer, and grabs several
bags of blood.
Suddenly, she hears a noise.
Cindy stops and looks around. She sees nothing.
Cindy begins to open bags of blood and pours them on the
floor. She empties out all of the blood.
Suddenly the phone rings. She answers.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- SAME TIME.
A DOCTOR is on the phone talking with Cindy. A DYING LITTLE
BOY lays in the hospital bed with his PARENTS standing over
Yes, this is Doctor Peterson. I'm
calling for Dwight Hartman. He was
storing some blood over there for
me. It's for a little boy who's in
desperate need of a blood transfusion.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. LAB -- CONTINUOUS
Cindy, on phone looks down at all the blood spilled out on
the floor, shocked.
Dwight Hartman, no live here.
Cindy slams down the phone.
She watches the blood carefully, looking for footprints.
She sees nothing. Behind her, she hears a noise.
She turns and is slapped hard in the face by the ghost.
She raises her gun, but the ghost is too quick. He smacks it
from her hand.
The ghost smacks Cindy, sending her flying into the freezer.
Cindy falls hard, hitting her head, and dazing her for a
Buddy attacks the ghost.
The ghost is strong and easily punches Buddy around.
Buddy is thrown into the freezer. He's hurt.
Cindy gets up and rushes to help Buddy.
INT. FREEZER -- CONTINUOUS
Suddenly, the door locks and is bolted shut.
The temperature gauge is broken. The temperature begins to
Cindy rushes to the door. Through the window, she sees the
We gotta call for help.
Cindy holds up her cup and talks into it.
Hello? Do you read me? Come in...
It's useless. They don't work in
here... must be the walls or
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY -- NIGHT
Dwight is looking for the ghost. Dwight sees the ghost through
his goggles. The ghost is playing hide-and-seek with Dwight.
Come on you coward! Show yourself!
Fight me like a man.
Suddenly, Dwight's wheelchair is rammed by another wheelchair
driven by the ghost.
Dwight takes off. The ghost follows.
Dwight and the ghost zigzag down the hallway bumping and
cutting each other off.
The wheels of the two chairs lock together sending them into
a 360 degree spin.
Dwight, his hair is flowing.
Matching shot of the ghost.
The chair crashes into the banister. It breaks the back of
Dwight's charm which dangerously hangs over the edge.
Dwight gains control. As the ghost chair approaches, Dwight
speeds towards the ghost.
Just before the chairs pass each other, Dwight leaps out and
hangs on the side, firing his gun at the ghost.
The ghost ducks and the shot misses him.
Dwight is dragged painfully through the hallway smashing
into open doors, statues, cupboards. Finally, Dwight leaps
back into the chair.
Not a moment to soon. The ghost chair whips in front of
Dwight thinks fast. He uses a broken table as a ramp. He
catches some good air.
Dwight lands, slams on the brakes, sending his chair tipping
forward. Dwight shows his skills by spinning his chair as it
balances on the front wheels.
Dwight and the ghost chair now are at opposite ends of the
The scene plays very dramatic and in SLOW-MOTION. Dwight in
his wheelchair at one end of the hall and the ghost in his
wheelchair at the other end. WHITE DOVES begin to flutter
through the hallway ala a "JOHN WOO" movie.
One of the doves flies by in slow motion. It plops right on
The tires of Dwight's wheelchair begin spinning and squealing,
burning rubber and causing smoke to come from the tire.
The ghost's wheelchair tires burn rubber and starts barreling
toward Dwight at full (wheelchair) speed. Dwight starts
rolling with all his might toward the ghost in his wheelchair.
Coming towards each other like the motorcycle scene in "MI:2".
THE GHOST'S WHEELCHAIR
It speeds towards Dwight.
DWIGHT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR
He speeds toward the ghost in his chair. Dwight is going so
fast that his hair is blowing back and bugs start splattering
up against his face and sunglasses.
Like two speeding trains, Dwight and the ghost are headed
right towards one another.
One of his tires blows out. We see that it reads "FIRESTONE."
Dwight still races towards the ghost. Right when they are
about to collide head on, Dwight leaps up out of his
wheelchair and the ghost leaps out of his wheelchair.
The two wheelchairs impact and EXPLODE!!!
Dwight goes to grab the ghost, but he goes right through it
and goes crashing out of the window at the end of the hallway.
EXT. HELL HOUSE -- NIGHT
Dwight, dangling from a statue on the house exterior. He's
slipping, losing his grip.
Suddenly, in the window above, appears Hanson. He extends
his little arm out to Dwight.
Here. Take my hand.
Hanson's nubby little hand.
Come on. Take it.
Dwight can't bring himself to touch the little hand. He looks
at the ground below. It's sure death if he falls.
Hanson reaches further. We see his fingers as they touch
Dwight lets go and falls to his death.
INT. FREEZER -- MOMENTS LATER
Frost has built up on the window. Icicles hang off of our
What are we gonna do? I'm cold. I
can't move, I'm so cold.
(rubbing his legs)
Can you feel that?
No. Try a little higher.
Cindy starts rubbing his thighs.
No. Keep rubbing.
Cindy starts rubbing harder.
Better try a little higher.
Now, come on -- you know I'm not
ready for that kind of --
Cindy, please! It's a matter of life
and death. I'm asking you a friend.
Well... okay... but only as a friend.
Cindy makes ready to start rubbing Buddy's dick. Buddy leans
back, getting ready to enjoy it. He puts his arms around his
head, but then realizes that this whole thing depends on
Cindy believing that he can't move his arms, so he quickly
puts them back where they were before Cindy realizes what
Cindy is still rubbing Buddy's crotch.
Cindy, eyes wide as she looks down. She jumps back just as
the goo flies towards her.
The goo. It freezes in mid-air.
Cindy knows there's no more time to waste.
She desperately scrambles for a way out. She tries the door,
but it's bolted shut. She looks over to see some loose nuts
and bolts, a wire and a defibrillator. She goes to work
piecing something together, MacGyver-style.
Quick cuts of her snapping a wire loose.
She magnetizes the nuts and bolts.
She turns on the defibrillator.
We pull back to reveal Cindy has built with the loose scraps
a CAT BULLDOZER.
Cindy helps Buddy out of the freezer.
You stay here. I've got to warn the
INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY -- MOMENTS LATER
(into her cup)
Come in somebody. Can you hear me?
This is Ray. What's up? Where are
The ghost is close. He almost got
us. Buddy is hurt.
What's your location? I repeat, what's
Right behind you.
Cindy standing behind Ray.
Roger that we're on our way over.
Ray turns to Cindy.
I don't know. He was right behind me
a minute ago.
INT. KITCHEN -- LATER
MUSIC: The same gentle piano music as in "Hannibal."
Cindy walks into the kitchen and sees Shorty seated at he
table, strapped to a chair. Hanson is nearby, grilling
something on a portable grill and conversing amiably with
Alarmed, Cindy grabs a snow globe.
ANGLE ON SNOW GLOBE:
Cindy hides the snow globe behind her back.
Ah, Cindy. Sit down, dear. Dinner's
Cindy manages a smile and nears the table.
Oh, and the little weapon you're
hiding? Put it on the table.
Caught, Cindy sheepishly places the snow globe on the table
and moves to sit.
Come now, give it up.
Cindy pulls a heavy little statuette from under her shirt
and clunks it down next to the snow globe.
Hanson shakes his head no and gestures for her to come clean
with what else she has.
Cindy keeps pulling out more weaponry, tossing it on the
table. A bear-trap, a crowbar, a medieval battle axe, a
crossbow, case of dynamite, and a Star Wars lightsaber, which
she turns on and tosses onto the pile.
Cindy sits. Hanson goes back to his cooking.
Shorty, are you alright? Speak to
Shorty is slumped and dazed, drooling on himself. Cindy
notices some hypodermic needles, chloroform and a rag.
Morphine? chloroform? Horse
tranquilizers? You've drugged him!
No, actually, I found him like this.
That's his stuff.
With growing alarm, Cindy notices a cookbook on the table:
"Martha Stewart's Easy Brain Recipes", featuring a picture
of a pleasantly smiling Martha Stewart on the cover, her
mouth and chin soaked in blood and gore, clutching a chewed
brain in her hand.
Sit down and join us, Cindy.
Yeah, I always wanted to watch you
She'd have to be really pretty and
I'd have to be very drunk.
I'm going to work in Washington,
That's where my best customers are.
Marion Berry, George Bush, the
Redskins. I'd like to offer you a
job, Cindy. Can you type? Take
dictation? Swallow balloons filled
Now you're being rude, Shorty.
Washington is full of cornpone country
pussy -- just ask Jesse Jackson.
Hanson puts down his spatula and steps to Shorty.
Alright! Everyone ready for the main
Hanson pulls off Shorty's sweatband and take a can opener to
Shorty's head, running it all the way around the crown as
Cindy looks on in horror.
Cindy gasps as Hanson lifts off the top of Shorty's head,
revealing his brain. It's a sad sight. Small and
underdeveloped, it's surrounded by smoke. Corroded and half
smoked away. There's a small band-aid on it.
Hanson puts the top of Shorty's skull on his own head, hair
(a la Shorty, gesturing
with a little hand)
Yo son, check this out.
Dog, you look hot.
Hanson grabs a knife and goes to carve the brain.
Don't worry Cindy, the brain itself
feels no pain.
Hanson cuts into it. The brain screams in fright and shrinks
away from the knife, compressing itself into a corner of
Hanson stabs over and over, the brain gracefully avoiding
being cut, moving from corner to corner of the skull. It
Hanson watches and aims carefully, finally sticking the knife
into the brain.
It's such a fascinating organ.
Hanson points out a section.
This part here controls intelligence.
Watch what happens when I touch it.
Hanson touches it.
(suddenly smart, with
a British accent)
Salutations, offspring. The fecal
matter is infirm. By the by, I do
not wish to monopolize the
conversation, but I believe I've
just figured out the cure for cancer.
It's really quite simple --
Hanson takes his finger off the brain and points out another
And this part controls a person's
Shorty starts to belch and fart uncontrollably, wetting his
Stop touching his brain!
Um, I'm not touching anything.
Sorry, y'all. My bad.
Shorty, why don't you say grace?
Me? Grace? Okay -- Dear God --
Just as Shorty bows his head, the little brain plops out
onto the table. Hanson picks it up and puts it back in.
Hanson now carves a little section of the brain.
This part removes the sense of humor.
I am Tom Green, I am Tom Green.
Daddy want some sausage, sausage.
Daddy want some sausage...
Hanson drops the piece of brain on the frying pan.
Cindy looks over and looks at the grill Hanson is using. A
logo in the side reads: "the George Foreman Brain Grill",
with a picture of George Foreman's smiling head next to the
words. The top of George Foreman's head is missing, revealing
Hanson takes the brain tidbit off the pan -- it has grill
marks now, and serves it to Shorty.
Shorty starts hooking up the piece of brain with the hot
sauce, pepper, salt, "A-1" steak sauce, melted velveta cheese,
Hanson starts scraping the leftovers off the dishes into
Cindy grabs the snowglobe and goes after Hanson, but Hanson
grabs her just as it's about to strike and slams her back
against the refrigerator, getting in her face, locking her
hair in the door and breaking off the handle.
Tell me, Cindy. Would you ever tell
me "Stop. If you loved me you'd stop."
Not in a thousand years.
Hanson leans in and presses a kiss against Cindy's lips.
Made you say it!
Suddenly OFF SCREEN we hear handcuffs clicking closed.
Pull back and reveal that she's handcuffed his small hand to
her. The handcuff is extremely loose on his hand.
OFF SCREEN Hanson hears Brenda and Theo approaching. Looking
around, he grabs a cleaver. Then he slams his and Cindy's
cuffed hands on the kitchen counter.
It looks like I'll have to give you
something to remember me by... This
is really going to hurt.
Cleaver come down hard.
CU of Cindy screaming in SLO-MO.
REVEAL Hanson's crooked penis on the counter, the foreskin
I've been meaning to do this since
my Bar Mitzvah... Here.
Hanson hands her the piece of foreskin.
As she stares at in horrified shock, Hanson slips his baby
hand out of the cuffs, no problem, and runs off.
Cindy runs after him, hair still caught, dragging the
refrigerator after her.
Theo and Brenda arrive.
Cindy, what's going on?
It's Hanson, he's evil. Let's get
The girls free Cindy and they run off. Cindy's hair is frozen
stiff in the air with a pork chop stuck to it. They leave
Shorty behind, passed out at the table.
INT. LAB -- LATER
Ray and Buddy are scoping out the area.
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.
As the knob begins to turn, Buddy and Ray take aim.
The door opens. A very disheveled Dwight, on his hands and
Buddy and Ray help Dwight into a chair.
Dwight, are you okay?
I can't feel my legs.
You never could feel your legs.
What do you know about it?!... Listen,
the ghost is too powerful. The only
chance we have is to use this machine.
I need you to go get the others and
meet us upstairs.
Buddy runs out.
Alright... I might need your help.
A little bit... Give me your belt.
I'm not even wearing any drawers.
Forget about a belt.
Okay, give me my belt.
Ray checks Dwight's pants.
You're not wearing a belt.
Alright, go to the belt store...
As they continue, we:
INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY --NIGHT
Cindy, Brenda, and Theo start to lose articles of clothing.
Cindy removes a pin and lets down her hair.
MUSIC CUE: INDEPENDENT WOMAN
Our girls now resemble "Charlie's Angels."
Hanson comes upon a locked gate and cartwheels between it.
Brenda and Theo brace their hand and help Cindy over the
Cindy leaps over the fence and grabs a chain hanging from
the ceiling and swings toward the Hanson. She kicks him in
the chest. He falls to the floor.
Cindy drops from the chain as Brenda and Brenda climb the
gate in cat-like fashion.
Hanson rises to his feet and strikes a defensive pose.
It's Cindy and Hanson. She takes a running leap and kick at
Hanson ala Cameron Diaz in "Charlie's Angels." She slowly
moves through the air at him until Hanson picks up a bat.
Cindy sees this and begins to back peddle, but it's too late.
Hanson swings and connects. SWACK!! He beans her in the head
and she goes flying.
The girls gather again on the other side in front if a
fountain and assume the famous "Charlie's Angels" pose with
Theo and Brenda holding one leg up as Cindy squats in the
middle. Now with the fountain behind them, it appears all
girls are taking a piss.
The girls are closing in. Hanson knows it.
Hanson snatches one of Brenda's braids and runs it under his
nose smelling it like the villain in "Charlie's Angels."
Brenda, angry, assumes a fierce, expert looking Kung Fu pose --
but then breaks into a girlish schoolyard fighting technique,
arms pin-wheeling, etc.
Hanson then takes on Theo. She runs to back wall, flips and
roundhouse kicks him.
Hanson throws Theo into a wall.
Her boobs expand and break her fall.
It's now just Cindy and Hanson. Cindy begins to display
different Kung Fu fight techniques.
The Crane style!
She does CRANE-like fighting moves --
The Crouching Tiger style!
She does TIGER-like fighting moves --
The Drunk Monkey!
Cindy starts stumbling around the room, acting drunk and
making monkey noises.
The Mad Cow!
Cindy frowns, making a mad face and starts "mooing" like a
The Horny dog!
Cindy begins humping Hanson's leg wildly. Then she gets
carried away with her impressions of different animals, a
deer, a bear, etc. Hanson watches her totally entertained.
The Camel Toe!
This move disgusts Hanson.
Cindy does the "Crouching Tiger" tornado-spin upwards and
land on a higher level, (JOKE TO COME).
Cindy finishes her moves and backs-up as Hanson starts to
The girls run in and they all watch the ghost starting to
Buddy runs up from the hall to the fence.
You gotta get out of there!
He holds open the gate as the girls run down the hall.
They give one last look back as Hanson explodes.
Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo run to the lab.
INT. LAB -- MOMENTS LATER
Buddy, Brenda, Cindy and Theo enter to find Ray and Dwight
There's only one thing left to do.
You guys, go upstairs and get the
INT. MUSIC ROOM/FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER
The group is gathered. Dwight is strapped to Ray's back.
Someone is going to have to lure him
onto the platform.
Cindy, let me...
No, Buddy, I'm the one he wants.
Actually, I was going to say let me
have your computer if you die.
Cindy moves to the foyer.
Cool, but remember, as soon as he
gets on the platform you gotta get
out of there.
Nobody wants to go.
Alright, let's take a vote...
Rest to come...
Cindy crosses into the foyer. Buddy, Ray, Dwight, and Theo
stand in the doorway.
The machine is gathered at the bottom of the steps. Cindy
moves about, yelling to the ghost.
Hugh Kane, it's me you want, come
get me! I'm not afraid anymore! Show
Suddenly, the foyer windows explode. The ghost breaks through
the window. Coming down the steps, he trips and falls. The
ghost rises into frame, stepping on the machine.
Prepare to die!
Now you will be mine forever!
Cindy stands in the circle.
Buddy throws the switch.
A digital read-out... 10... 9... 8... 7...
Cindy, get outta there. You'll be
Do something, Dwight!
I can't, she's still on the platform.
If I throw the switch she'll die.
I'll get her.
With no concern for his safety, Ray, still with Dwight
strapped to his back, bolts towards Cindy.
Ray. He's running in dramatic slo-mo.
Why is he running so slow?
Ray, run faster.
Ray looks back and nods. He breaks outta slo-mo and speeds
Digital read-out... 3... 2... 1... Ray tackles Cindy, hurling
her out of the way just as the machine's energy field zaps
Cindy, Ray and Dwight hit the ground with a bone-jarring
Ray, you saved my life. Are you okay?
Yeah, I broke my fall.
Dwight, all wuzzy, complains.
The force-field turns on and the ghost is instantly in agony.
Cindy manages to drag herself to the ghost.
Don't fight it. Let it go. It's time
for you. Rest time. Peace. Carolyn
is waiting for you on the other side.
These words make the ghost relax. His evil expression changes.
Yes, go to her. You will be together
with her for eternity.
A brilliant, heavenly light ala the final scene in "GHOST."
Syrupy music begins to play.
The ghost smiles. He places his hand against Cindy's as a
kind of gesture of good-bye.
Ghost rises towards the light.
Goodbye, Hugh Kane.
Take care of yourself, Cindy.
Suddenly, another ghost appears. It's Alex. Ray, Dwight and
Cindy turn their heads from the bright light.
There you are, my love. I've been
looking for you. Now we can be
The ghost's expression changes to fear. He begins to leave...
Don't you float away from me.
Don't you run from me!... I'm coming
In a flash, both Alex and the Ghost are sucked into the light
INT. FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER
As the Ghost goes off to his wretched eternal fate with Alex
in the afterlife, the kids look around at each other. Outside
the window, dawn is beginning to break. Birds are chirping.
We did it, you guys! We made it!
The gang -- Cindy, Brenda, Ray, Buddy, Theo and Dwight --
hug. Shorty wanders into the room.
Hey, y'all! What's going on?
Shorty! You're alive!! But... what
about your head?
That turned out to be a good thing!
It's gonna make smuggling a whole
lot easier. Remember that weed? I'm
about to get paid.
Cindy and Shorty hug.
Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
Suddenly, the door opens. A ray of blinding sunlight floods
the room. Father McFeely enters with some COPS and EMTS.
I'm afraid we're too late.
The kids watch, confused, as the priest and the officers
rush past without acknowledging they're even there. The kids
Cop #1 walks up to Cop #2.
I found one in the kitchen.
COP #3 runs up to Cop #1 and Cop #2, very excited.
There's ass, blood and guts
Cop #1 gives them the "thumbs up" and walks away without
saying a word. Cop #2 and Cop #3 walk away. On the back of
each of their jackets reads "DIRECTOR'S RELATIVE." Then Cop
#1 walks away revealing the back of his jacket, "JUST AN
Cindy runs up to Father McFeely.
My child, you're alive!
Yes, we made it!
We? What do you mean... we?
Me and my friends... You see there
was this ghost. He came out of nowhere
My child you are the only survivor.
No, my friends are right here!
The kids stand in a group behind Cindy, but McFeely looks
right through them.
Father, I don't understand. Tell me
Soon, but first I must bless this
McFeely walks off.
Ray and Dwight, still strapped to each other, watch the entire
scenario. They look at the others.
You mean to tell me we're dead!
I guess so.
Ray undoes his belt and Dwight falls of his back. Dwight
tries to stand up, but even though he's dead, his legs don't
Suddenly, a bus (or car) drives through, smashing Cindy.
INT. DORMROOM -- DAY
Cindy sits at her desk talking to someone off screen.
Now that we're out of the house and
back at school, I know that
everything's going to be okay. I'm
doubly lucky that I made it out of
the house with you...
Reveal Cindy is talking to the bird.
Will you just shut up? Shut the fuck
The PHONE RINGS.
Hello? Oh hi Dad. Yeah, I'm so happy
to be back in college. I love my new
roommate, but I have to say I was a
little nervous at first because she's
Show Megan fucking herself with a crucifix.
Let Jesus fuck me!
Megan's head spins around, then she spews green vomit and
And I got the cutest little parrot.
Birds are such clean animals, he's
no trouble at all!
Uh, what do they put in this birdseed?
The bird sprays shit out his ass all over her wall.
Sorry to bother you about this, Dad
but I need you to send me some more
money. For some reason, the college
wouldn't accept the cash you sent
for my tuition.
She looks at a stack of 100's that are obviously counterfeit
smeared ink, "One Hundred Dollars" spelled wrong, Ben Franklin
Cindy loads some items into a care package; a copy of "The
Hurricane," a shank, a zip gun, a file, a carton of
Keep checking your mailbox, I'm
sending you a care package. Oh, and
I'm putting in a little something
for your bitch Dwayne.
She puts an industrial-size bottle of "Ass-troglide" into
There's a knock at the door.
There's Buddy! Gotta go! Bye Dad!
Cindy opens the door, and Buddy is waiting there with a bunch
of flowers. Cindy smiles, then punches him through the
flowers, in the chest.
Buddy is sprawled on the floor with the wind knocked out of
him, flowers everywhere.
Gotta be faster than that, thimble
Cindy and Buddy exit.
Megan keeps spewing and swearing.
Fuck me! Fuck me!
Girl, I wouldn't fuck you if I was
lying in the desert dying of thirst,
with buzzards all around, and your
ass was a water fountain.
INT. DORM HALLWAY -- DAY
Tommy is pacing up and down the hall, shaking uncontrollably.
Ray walks up.
Yo' Tommy, what up, man?
I'm totally freakin' dude. I keep
having these nightmares, then I wake
up screaming with these awful back
spasms. I can't take it anymore,
Aww, man. You just need to chill
out. Come on, there's this party
tonight it's gonna be fun. Lot's of
alcohol and honeys.
Alright, but I ain't drinking. and
you're gonna have to look after me.
Don't worry, I got your back.
Ray puts his arm around Tommy and they walk off down the
We see a TATTOO "RAY FUCKED ME." on his back. Ray moves his
hand and we see another tattoo that says... "AGAIN!"
EXT. DORM BUILDING ENTRANCE - A LITTLE LATER
Buddy and Cindy exit the dorm. Buddy stops Cindy on the steps.
There's something I really want to
share with you.
There's something I want to share
with you too. Here, smell this.
Cindy swipes her finger under Buddy's nose. Buddy reacts,
and Cindy runs off.
EXT. PARK - A LITTLE LATER
Cindy and Buddy are sitting under a tree together.
Cindy, about this whole friendship
Yeah, I know, I just love having a
guy for a friend.
I know, but I've been thinking --
I know, but I've been thinking --
Listen to me I --
Listen to me I --
Look, what I'm trying to say --
Look, what I'm trying to say --
Buddy slaps Cindy in the back of the head.
Stop it! I'm just trying to say I
think we should take our friendship
to the next level.
I don't want to be your friend like
Then what are we going to do?
You know, walking on the beach,
holding hands, kissing, making love...
That sounds kinda gay, but since
you're a guy, I guess it's okay.
Let's get a hot dog.
They get up and start walking. Buddy sees a bee and protects
her from it.
Hey, look out, a bee!
Oh, Buddy, I've never had someone be
so protective of me!
That's what your man is supposed to
EXT. CAMPUS -- CONTINOUS
Cindy and Buddy come upon an ICE CREAM VENDOR busy working
on his cart.
Hey, wanna' share a soda?
Oh, Buddy, that's so romantic.
Can I borrow five bucks?
Cindy pulls the cash out of her pocket.
What should we get?
I don't care. You pick.
The vendor turns to reveal it's Hanson.
Oh my God! Buddy, what are we going
No response. Cindy turns to see Buddy sprinting across the
It was you...
Yes, it was me all along. I killed
Hugh Kane and his mistress.
Both of them?
Didn't I just say that? Fucking
listen. Anyway, I did it all for
Carolyn. He never appreciated her,
but I worshipped that woman and still
she rejected me. So, I came back for
you. Just like I did for Carolyn.
This can't be happening?
Now you'll be mine, Cindy.
Hanson moves toward Cindy.
BLAM! Hanson is blindsided by a car which misses Cindy by
mere inches, but kills him dead.
INT. CAR -- CONTINUOUS
SHORTY is driving the car, surprised by the thud.
A girl with a BAG over her head (the ghoul), lifts her head
up off his lap, revealing a hole in the bag through which
she was blowing him, as we...
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