"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"A HARD DAY'S NIGHT"

Screenplay by

Alun Owen



EXTERIOR STREETS OUTSIDE RAILWAY TERMINAL DAY

The film opens with crowds of girls, shot in a sequence of
CLOSE-UPS, chasing after GEORGE, JOHN and RINGO. The boys
hare off just ahead of them. They take a turn down a back
alley way and the crowds of screaming girls are after them.

EXTERIOR TERMINAL

They rush on through the narrow cobbled passageway and into
the main station, quickly show their tickets at the barrier
for the London train, and get onto the platform as hordes of
yelling and screaming girls reach the closed gates.

EXTERIOR TERMINAL PLATFORM

We see the fans rushing to the few platform ticket machines,
and endless pennies being dropped and tickets torn out in
their haste to get onto the platform to see the boys.

NORM has been waiting for the boys and he hurries them to
where all their baggage, instruments and the drums are
waiting, piled up to be put into the guards' van. The boys
turn and see the oncoming stream of girls pushing through
the barriers and descending on them with yells and shouts.
They grab their instruments, RINGO makes for the drums.

NORM plugs into a handy transformer and using their
instruments like a gun volley to stop the onrush of females,
the boys blast fire into a number and start to sing. This
stops the girls in their tracks and they settle down on
whatever they can to listen to them playing.

As the boys are playing, we CUT BACK into the crowds. In the
centre we see PAUL struggling and pulling to fight his way
through the girls to join the other boys. He is dragging a
very reluctant old man behind him. The old man seems most
disgruntled and we can see by his gestures how unwilling he
is to be pulled and pushed forward through all the girls.

At last PAUL reaches the other boys. He sits the old man
down on a pile of cases and joins in the number to the squeals
of delight from the fans. The old man sits aloof and proud
ignoring the whole proceedings.

JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO look enquiringly at PAUL who gives a
noncommittal shrug of the shoulders as if to say, "it's not
my fault" and the number proceeds.

SHOT of sudden horror on JOHN's face. PAUL follows his eye
line only to see the old man has doffed his cap and is busily
collecting money from a disconcerted crowd. PAUL dives hastily
into the crowd, and with suitable apologies extracts the old
man and with a long suffering sigh drags him back to the
group. GEORGE and PAUL hold him firmly as they finish the
number, the old man standing there between them.

As the number finishes and the girls scream and shout with
delight, the guard blows his whistle. NORM and SHAKE grab
the instruments and the drums, and with the rest piles the
lot into the guards' van. The BOYS head into their reserved
compartment pursued by the fans but the train moves off.
They have successfully repelled all extra boarders.

THE BOYS stand and wave to the fans until out of sight line...
the girls running along to the end of the platform waving
and calling out.

INTERIOR RESERVED COMPARTMENT IN THE TRAIN

The boys relax, sitting down on one side of the compartment.
They are about to settle down and make themselves at home
when first RINGO nudges GEORGE who in turn nudges JOHN.
Opposite them is sitting the LITTLE OLD MAN. He is holding
himself stiff, erect and very aloof.

The three boys look at him enquiringly but with an elaborate
sniff he looks away from them and out of the window.

PAUL catches his eye and winks at the LITTLE OLD MAN. He
winks back at PAUL, scowls at the other three then looks
firmly out of the window again.

The boys turn on PAUL crowding around him.

JOHN
Eh... pardon me for asking but who's
that little old man?

PAUL
What little old man?

JOHN
(pointing)
That little old man.

PAUL
Oh, that one. That's me Grandfather.

GEORGE
That's not your Grandfather.

PAUL
It is, y'know.

GEORGE
But your Grandfather lives in your
house. I've seen him.

PAUL
Oh, that's me other Grandfather, but
this one's me Grandfather and all.

JOHN
How d'you reckon that one out?

PAUL
Well... everyone's entitled to two,
aren't they, and this is me other
one.

JOHN
(long suffering)
Well we know that but what's he doing
here?

PAUL
Well, me mother thought the trip 'ud
do him good.

RINGO
How's that?

PAUL
Oh... he's nursing a broken heart.

The lads all look intently at the GRANDFATHER.

JOHN
Aah... the poor old thing.

He leans across to GRANDFATHER.

JOHN
Eh, Mister... are you nursing a broken
heart then?

The GRANDFATHER nods soulfully glares at him, in a way that
indicates yes.

PAUL
(whispering)
You see, he was going to get married
but she threw him over for a butcher.

GEORGE
A butcher?

PAUL
Yeah, she was fickle.

JOHN
Aye and fond of fresh meat and all.

PAUL
(seriously)
No... it was his sweetbreads. She
was dead kinky for sweetbreads.
Anyroad, me mother thought it'ud
give him a change of scenery, like.

JOHN
Oh, I see.

He inspects GRANDFATHER carefully.

JOHN
(to PAUL)
Eh, he's a nice old man, isn't he?

PAUL
Oh yeah, he's very clean, y'know.

They all agree with PAUL.

JOHN has been examining GRANDFATHER. He now leans forward to
him.

JOHN
(in an over-friendly
voice)
Hello, Grandfather!

GRANDFATHER
Hello.

JOHN
(delightedly)
He can talk then?

PAUL
(indignantly)
Course he can talk. He's a human
being, like. Isn't he?

RINGO
(grinning)
Well... if he's your Grandfather,
who knows?

The lads all laugh.

JOHN
And we're looking after him, are we?

GRANDFATHER
I'll look after meself.

PAUL
Aye, that's what I'm afraid of!

JOHN
He's got you worried, then?

PAUL
Him, he costs you a fortune in breach
of promise cases. He's a villain and
a right mixer as well.

GEORGE
(disbelieving)
Gerron.

PAUL
No, straight up.

GRANDFATHER
The lad's given you the simple truth.
I'm cursed wid irresistible charm,
I'm too attractive to be let loose.

At this moment, SHAKE, a tall man who works with the BOYS,
pulls open the door of the compartment.

SHAKE
You got on all right then?

BOYS
Hi, Shake.

SHAKE
We're here. Norm'll be along in a
mo' with the tickets.

He sees GRANDFATHER.

SHAKE
Morning!
(whispers)
Who's that little old man?

GEORGE
It's Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE
Oh aye, but I thought...

JOHN
(cutting in)
No, that's his other one.

SHAKE
That's all right then.

JOHN
(displaying Grandfather)
Clean though, isn't he?

SHAKE
Oh yes, he's clean all right.

NORM the road manager appears behind SHAKE.

NORM
Morning, lads.

BOYS
Morning... Hi, Norm.

NORM
(checking them quickly)
Well, thank God you're all got here.
Now, listen, I've had this marvellous
idea... now just for a change, let's
all behave like ordinary responsible
citizens. Let's not cause any trouble,
pull any strokes or do anything I'm
going to be sorry for, especially
tomorrow at the television theatre,
because...

He looks sharply at JOHN who is polishing his nails.

NORM
Are you listening to me, Lennon?

JOHN
(off-hand)
You're a swine, isn't he George?

GEORGE
(disinterested)
Yeah... a swine.

NORM
(just as indifferent)
Thanks...

He sees the GRANDFATHER.

NORM
Eh...

BOYS IN CHORUS
...Who's that little old man?

NORM
Well, who is he?

RINGO
He belongs to Paul.

NORM
(accepting the
situation)
Ah well, there you go. Look, I'm
going down the diner for a cup of
coffee, are you coming?

PAUL
We'll follow you down.

GRANDFATHER rises.

GRANDFATHER
I want me coffee.

NORM
He can come with Shake and me if you
like.

PAUL
Well, look after him. I don't want
to find you've lost him.

NORM
Don't be cheeky, I'll bind him to me
with promises. Come on, Grandad.

GRANDFATHER joins SHAKE and NORM.

NORM
(over Grandfather's
head)
He's very clean, isn't he?

SHAKE and NORM collect GRANDFATHER and are in the process of
leaving the compartment when a fat upper class city
Englishman, JOHNSON, attempts to enter. There is a bit of
confusion and they get tangled up with each other.

JOHNSON
Make up your minds, will you!

At last SHAKE, NORM and GRANDFATHER sort themselves out and
JOHNSON enters with his case. The other three go to coffee.

JOHNSON puts his case up on the luggage rack, then sits down.
All his movements are disgruntled... he finally picks up his
copy of the Financial Times and burying himself behind it,
starts to read. After a moment he looks up, notices the
compartment window is open. He gets up and without so much
as a "by your leave" he closes it, glares at the BOYS and
sits down again.

The boys exchange looks as if to say... "Hello, Saucy!!"

PAUL
(politely)
Do you mind if we have it opened?

JOHNSON
(briefly)
Yes, I do.

JOHN
Yeah, but there are four of us, like,
and we'd like it open, if it's all
the same to you, that is.

JOHNSON
(rudely)
Well, it isn't. I travel on this
train regularly twice a week, so I
suppose I've some rights.

RINGO
Aye, well, so have we.

He disappears behind his paper before the BOYS can say another
word.

RINGO pulls a face at the raised paper and switches on his
portable radio. A pop number is playing.

JOHNSON puts down his paper firmly.

JOHNSON
And we'll have that thing off as
well, thank you.

RINGO
But I...

JOHNSON leans over and switches it off.

JOHNSON
An elementary knowledge of the Railway
Acts would tell you I'm perfectly
within my rights.

He smiles frostily.

PAUL
Yeah, but we want to hear it and
there's more of us than you. We're a
community, like, a majority vote. Up
the workers and all that stuff!

JOHNSON
Then I suggest you take that damned
thing into the corridor or some other
part of the train where you obviously
belong.

JOHN
(leaning forward to
him)
Gie's a kiss!

PAUL
Shurrup! Look, Mister, we've paid
for our seats too, you know.

JOHNSON
I travel on this train regularly,
twice a week.

JOHN
Knock it off, Paul, y' can't win
with his sort. After all, it's his
train, isn't it, Mister?

JOHNSON
And don't you take that tone with
me, young man!

GEORGE
But...

JOHNSON
(accusingly)
I fought the war for your sort.

RINGO
Bet you're sorry you won!

JOHNSON
I'll call the guard!

PAUL
Aye... but what? They don't take
kindly to insults you know. Ah, come
on, you lot. Let's get a cup of coffee
and leave Toby the manger.

The boys troop out of the door into the corridor. JOHNSON
smiles triumphantly. He is about to settle down to his paper
when there is a tap on the corridor window. He looks up and
we see pressed against the window a collection of hideous
Beatle faces.

PAUL
Eh, Mister... can we have our ball
back!

The man jumps to his feet.

INTERIOR OF THE CORRIDOR

The boys run away like a pack of school boys and disappear
round the corner.

INTERIOR OF THE TRAIN CORRIDOR

From the P.O.V. of the door leading to the restaurant car.

The boys come down the corridor in full flight, laughing
away like happy idiots. GEORGE and PAUL pull open the sliding
doors. The boys look inside.

INTERIOR RESTAURANT CAR

From their P.O.V. we see the car is half empty and at a table
in the centre SHAKE and NORM and GRANDFATHER are sitting. On
the table is a pile of photos of the boys. NORM and SHAKE
are arguing. NORM is being very aggressive, much to SHAKE's
discomfort.

NORM
Yeah, you want to watch it.

SHAKE
(unhappily)
It's not my fault.

NORM
Well, you stick to that story, son.

SHAKE
I can't help it, I'm just taller
than you.

GRANDFATHER
(To NORM slyly)
They always say that.

NORM
Yeah, well I got me eye on you.

SHAKE
I'm sorry Norm, but I can't help
being taller than you.

NORM
Well, you don't have to rub me nose
in it. I've a good mind to...
(he is about to thump
SHAKE.)

JOHN
(enjoying himself)
If you're going to have a barney
I'll hold your coats.

NORM
He started it.

SHAKE
No, I didn't you did...

GEORGE
Well, what happened?

SHAKE
The old fella wanted these pictures
and Norm said he couldn't have 'em,
all I said was 'aw go on, be big
about it.'

PAUL
And?

NORM
Your Grandfather pointed out Shake
was always being taller than me just
to spite me.

PAUL
I knew it, he started it, I should
have known.

NORM
Y'what?

PAUL
You two have never had a quarrel in
your life and in two minutes flat
he's got you at it. He's a king mixer.
Adam and Eve, meet the serpent.
Anthony and Cleopatra, there's your
asp. Divide and Conquer, that's this
one's motto. He hates group unity so
he gets everyone at it.

The BOYS, i.e., JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO, look at each other
then at PAUL.

PAUL
Aye and we'll have to watch it and
all.

GEORGE
I suggest you just give him the photos
and have done with it.

NORM
You're right. Here you are, old devil.

SHAKE and NORM leave. GRANDFATHER grins triumphantly and
collects them, then with a sweet smile he turns to PAUL.

GRANDFATHER
Would you ever sign this one for us,
Pauly?

PAUL does so automatically but in the middle of signing he
gets suspicious. GRANDFATHER smiles at him charmingly so
PAUL finishes signing.

JOHN
Come on let's get this coffee.

GRANDFATHER
Before you go, I think it's only
fair to warn you about me Grandson...
don't let our Paul have his own way
all the time, 'cos if you do he won't
respect you!

JOHN, RINGO and GEORGE take this up straight away. They all
pretend to be girls, RINGO jumps into PAUL's arms.

GEORGE
(coyly)
Oh, Paul, you can't have your own
way!!!

JOHN
(invitingly, in a
Marlene Dietrich
voice)
If I let you have your own way, you
little rascal, will you respect me?

PAUL
(choked)
I'll murder you, Grandfather!

JOHN waltzes PAUL down to an empty table and the lads sit
down.

GEORGE
Eh, look at that talent.

They all gaze across the aisle. From their P.O.V. we see two
very attractive young girls, RITA and JEAN, having coffee.

JOHN
Give 'em a pull.

PAUL
Shall I?

GEORGE
Aye, but don't rush. None of your
five bar gate jumps and over sort of
stuff.

PAUL
Now what's that supposed to mean?

GEORGE
(grinning)
I don't really know, but it sounded
distinguished, like, didn't it?

JOHN
George Harrison, The Scouse of
Distinction.

We follow PAUL as he crosses over to the two girls. He places
a bowler on his head.

PAUL
(in posh accent)
Excuse me, but these young men I'm
sitting with wondered if two of us
could join you; I'd ask you meself
only I'm shy.

The two girls giggle together.

JOHN and GEORGE are about to move over when GRANDFATHER
suddenly appears by their sides.

GRANDFATHER
(sternly)
I'm sorry, miss, but you mustn't
fraternise with my prisoners.

JEAN
Prisoners!!

GRANDFATHER
Convicts in transit to Wormwood
Scrubs. Typical old lags, the lot of
'em.

THE BOYS
Y'what!!!

GRANDFATHER
Quiet, you lot, or I'll give you a
touch of me truncheon.
(He points at Ringo)
That little one's the worst. If we
don't keep him on tablets he has
fits.

RINGO
(protesting)
Now look here!!

GRANDFATHER grabs two lumps of sugar from the table and forces
them into RINGO'S mouth.

GRANDFATHER
Get out while you can, ladies, his
time's coming round for one of his
turns.

The frightened girls scurry out of the restaurant car. The
boys look in amazement and horror at GRANDFATHER. They are
completely flabbergasted.

GRANDFATHER smiles at them benignly.

INTERIOR OF RAILWAY COMPARTMENT

SHAKE and NORM are seated. SHAKE is buried in a science
fiction book.

NORM looks at his watch, slightly worried.

NORM
He's been gone a long time.

SHAKE
(without looking up)
Who?

NORM
Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE
Oh, I didn't notice, where'd he go?

NORM
Down the... er...

SHAKE
Oh, down the... er...?

NORM
Yeah, down the... er...

SHAKE
Well, give a couple of minutes...

He resumes reading. But NORM goes on worrying.

INTERIOR OF ANOTHER RAILWAY COMPARTMENT

Grandfather is in full flight of conversation with a charming
elderly lady, AUDREY, who is listening intently.

GRANDFATHER
(proudly)
Yes, I'm their manager, I discovered
them.

LADY AUDREY
Did you indeed, Mr. McCartney?

GRANDFATHER
Now, Audrey, I told you, the name's
John. We show biz people are a
friendly lot.

AUDREY
Of course, John.

GRANDFATHER
Yes, they were playing the queues
outside the picture palaces of
Liverpool. Scruffy young lads, lacking
even the price of a jam roll. Orphans,
every Paddy's son of 'em. I saw their
potential at once although I had me
doubts about the little fella, a
savage primitive, that Ringo, but it
was him what gave in first. He picked
up a brick and heaved it at me and I
quelled him wid one fierce flash of
me eyes. "Mister, can you spare us a
copper?" he said. I was disarmed by
the grubby little outstretched
mauler... So, I took them under me
managerial banner.

AUDREY
The usual ten per cent?

GRANDFATHER
Oh, not at all, I let them have twenty-
five; sure aren't there four of them?

AUDREY
(her eyes lighting up)
How fascinating. Do go on...
(pause)
...John.

GRANDFATHER
...Oh, I'm all heart, Ma'am, all
heart... Well, I let...

INTERIOR CORRIDOR OF TRAIN

NORM and SHAKE meet with the BOYS as they are returning from
coffee.

NORM
Eh, have you got Paul's grandfather?

JOHN
Of course, he's concealed about me
person.

NORM
No... he's must have slipped off
somewhere.

PAUL
(accusingly)
Have you lost him?

NORM
Don't exaggerate.

PAUL
You've lost him.

SHAKE
Put it this way, he's mislaid him.

PAUL
You can't trust you with anything,
Norm, if you've lost him, I'll cripple
you.

SHAKE
He can't be far.

JOHN
I hope he fell off.

PAUL
(mildly)
Don't be callous.

RINGO
He doesn't like me, honest, I can
tell... It's 'cos I'm little.

GEORGE
You've got an inferiority complex,
you have.

RINGO
Yeah, I know, that's why I took up
the drums. It's me active compensatory
factor.

JOHN and PAUL run down the corridor. SHAKE and NORM turn
from the door and go in the opposite direction, GEORGE and
RINGO follow after the other two boys.

INTERIOR CORRIDOR OF TRAIN

PAUL and JOHN look into various compartments. CLOSE SHOT of
RINGO looking into compartments in the manner of Groucho
Marx. In one of the compartments we see from RINGO'S P.O.V.
the occupant, a glamorous woman, TANIA, with a small lap
dog.

She is beautifully and most expensively dressed. She looks
up and sees RINGO.

RINGO smiles at her and she smiles back. She then beckons
him to join her.

He looks around to see if she means someone else. She nods a
negative.

RINGO looks back enquiringly then points at himself as if to
say: "Who, me?"

TANIA smiles enthusiastically.

GEORGE has been watching all this.

GEORGE
Are you going in?

RINGO
No, she'll only reject me in the end
and I'll be frustrated.

GEORGE
You never know, you might be lucky
this time.

RINGO
No, I know the psychological pattern
and it plays hell with me drum skins.

He blows the glamorous lady a kiss, then moves sadly on.

INTERIOR FURTHER DOWN THE CORRIDOR

PAUL enters a compartment followed by JOHN. The TWO GIRLS,
RITA and JEAN, from the restaurant car are sitting there.

PAUL
Excuse me but have you seen that
little old man we were with?

The girls jump up, surprised.

JOHN
We've broken out, oh, the blessed
freedom of it all!
(he extends his hands
as if handcuffed)
Eh, have you got a nail file, these
handcuffs are killing me. I was
framed. I was innocent.

PAUL
Will you stop it! Sorry to disturb
you, miss...

He starts to drag JOHN after him.

JOHN
I was innocent. I was framed. I won't
go back.

JOHN is now by the door; he leers at the girls horribly.

JOHN
I bet you can guess what I was in
for.

He cackles like a maniac before disappearing, the door closing
after him.

A waiter carrying a tray with champagne and glasses on it
passes into one of the compartments with the blinds down.

PAUL
How about that one?

He moves towards the compartment.

PAUL
(to Ringo and George)
Did you look in here?

GEORGE
No. I mean, it's probably a honeymoon
couple or a company director or
something.

PAUL
Well, let's broaden our outlook.

PAUL opens the door of the compartment.

INTERIOR OF COMPARTMENT

From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER and the elderly
lady, AUDREY, sipping champagne and nibbling caviar on toast.

GRANDFATHER
(looking up)
Congratulate me, boys, I'm engaged.

PAUL enters and crosses over to him.

PAUL
Oh no, you're not. You've gone too
far this time... and who's paying
for all this?

GRANDFATHER
It's all taken care of. It's down on
our bill.

PAUL
Oh, well that's all right.
(realising)
What?

AUDREY
Young man, kindly moderate your tone
when you address my fiance.

PAUL
I'm sorry, Missus, but the betrothal's
off.
(he grabs GRANDFATHER
by the arm)
I'll refuse me consent, he's over-
age!

AUDREY grabs GRANDFATHER's other arm and pulls back.

AUDREY
Leave him alone, after all he's done
for you is this the way you repay
him?

A tug of war now starts between PAUL and AUDREY.

PAUL
(pulling)
Him? he's never done anything for
anybody in his life.

AUDREY
(pulling)
You dare to say that when even those
ridiculous clothes you are wearing
were bought when you forced him to
sell out his gilt edged Indomitables!!

JOHN and GEORGE jump on the seat egging PAUL and AUDREY on.

JOHN
Come on, Auntie, you're winning.

GEORGE
Get in there, Paul, she's weakening.

RINGO attempts to interfere.

RINGO
Look, Missus, this is all a
misunderstanding, you see, he's...

AUDREY
Keep away from me, you depraved lout,
I know all about your terrible past.

RINGO
Y'what?

She hits RINGO with her handbag and continues struggling
with PAUL for GRANDFATHER. RINGO grabs her handbag to stop
her hitting him.

RINGO
He's given me a bad character,
blackguarding me name to all and
sundry. He's got to be stopped. It's
not fair.

RINGO pushes out into the corridor, forgetting that he is
holding the woman's handbag.

A voice shouts off from outside.

VOICE OFF
That's one of them... stop thief!

INTERIOR CORRIDOR

From Ringo's P.O.V. we see down to the right the city man,
JOHNSON, approaching with a GUARD. RINGO turns the other way
to the left when he is joined by [the] three other boys.
From their P.O.V. down the corridor we see the two girls,
autograph books in hand, followed by ten girls from the same
school.

Both groups are closing in on the BOYS. There's no escape.

RINGO
(looking down at the
handbag in his hand)
Oh Mother!!

INTERIOR LUGGAGE VAN

Very dark, and behind bars we see GRANDFATHER. He is sitting
crouched up on a wooden box tea chest and looks pretty
miserable. He turns towards the CAMERA; in the foreground of
the SHOT we see PAUL standing.

In the background an impassive GUARD is reading a paper which
he does throughout the scene.

GRANDFATHER
(bitterly)
And to think me own grandson would
have let them put me behind bars!

PAUL
Don't dramatise.

The CAMERA PULLS BACK and we see GRANDFATHER in the luggage
compartment of the guards' van. In with him are a crate of
chickens and a dog. The chickens peck at him; GRANDFATHER
moves listlessly away.

PAUL
Let's face it, you're lucky to be
here. If they'd have had their way
you'd have been dropped off at
Stafford already.

GRANDFATHER proudly turns away from PAUL who dodges round so
he can still see his face.

PAUL
Well, you've got to admit you've
upset a lot of people. At least I
can keep my eye on you while you're
stuck in here.

GRANDFATHER turns away again.

PAUL
All right, how about Ringo? I mean...
he's very upset, you know... and as
far as your girlfriend, little
Audrey's concerned, she's finished
with men for the rest of her natural,
and another thing...

GRANDFATHER
A harmless bit of fun, aah, none of
you have any sense of humour left
these days.

PAUL
Oh, it's all right for you but those
two girls were scared to death!
Honest, Grandad, why? I mean, why do
you do these things?

GRANDFATHER
(cutting in)
You're left-handed, aren't you, Paul?

PAUL
Yeah... so what?

GRANDFATHER
Why do you always use your left hand?

PAUL
Well, don't be daft, I've got to.

GRANDFATHER
And I take a left-handed view of
life, I've got to.

PAUL grins. After a moment of looking at him, PAUL opens the
door of the luggage compartment and joins GRANDFATHER on a
box.

PAUL
Shove up!

GRANDFATHER produces a penny.

GRANDFATHER
Odds or evens?

PAUL sighs.

PAUL
Odds.

GRANDFATHER flips the coin.

The guards' van door opens and JOHN, GEORGE and RINGO come
in, with them are the girls, RITA and JEAN.

JOHN
(as he sees PAUL behind
the bars)
Don't worry, son, we'll get you the
best lawyer trading stamps can buy.

PAUL
Oh, it's a laugh a line with Lennon.
(to Ringo)
Anyroad up... It's all your fault.

RINGO
Me? Why?

GEORGE
Bag-snatcher.

GRANDFATHER
That's right; convict without trial...
Habeas corpus.

JOHN
(casually)
Every morning.

JOHN has been looking around the guards' van.

JOHN
Gaw, it's depressing in here, isn't
it? Funny...
(he pats the dog)
'cos they usually reckon dogs more
than people in England, don't they?
You'd expect something a little more
palatial.
(he shudders)
Come on. Let's have a little action.
Let's do something, then.

PAUL
Like what?

JOHN
Well, I've got me gob stopper.
(he produces his mouth
organ.)
Look, a genuine Stradivarius, hand
tooled at Dagenham.

And to RINGO's beat on a tea chest they are off, PAUL and
GEORGE improvising other sounds, much to the GIRLS' delight.
During the number, GRANDFATHER quietly lets the latch off
the chicken crate and chickens begin to wander through the
scene.

EXTERIOR TRAIN IN MOTION FROM ABOVE (NIGHT)

While the number is progressing, the train is getting nearer
and nearer to London.

EXTERIOR PLATFORM TERMINUS (NIGHT)

SHOTS of the station full of GIRLS waiting for the BOYS.

INTERIOR GUARDS VAN

By the time the number finishes the train pulls up with a
sharp halt that sends them all sprawling, BOYS and GIRLS.

NORM enters the guards' van.

NORM
Don't move, any of you. They've gone
potty out there. The whole place is
surging with girls.

JOHN
Please, can I have one to surge with?

NORM
No.

JOHN
Ah, go on, you swine.

NORM
No, you can't. Look, as soon as I
tell you, run through this door here
and into the big car that's waiting.

He points and we see a big car parked across the road.

The BOYS prepare to depart, lining up with GRANDFATHER at
the door.

EXTERIOR PLATFORM TERMINUS

Just as they are ready to go, a line of taxis draws up
parallel to the train and now separates them from the big
car waiting for them.

NORM
Oh no!

GRANDFATHER pushes past the BOYS, holding his coat closed.

GRANDFATHER
All right, lads, follow me.

And before NORM can stop him, he darts out of the door, PAUL
after him.

The fans further down the platform see PAUL and charge
forward... in a panic NORM and the others follow, JOHN just
having time to kiss both the girls.

JOHN
Vive l'amour!

NORM drags him away.

EXTERIOR RAILWAY STATION

The BOYS manage to follow GRANDFATHER by leaping onto a
motorized luggage carrier, GEORGE driving and the other three
posing as a frozen tableau on the back. GRANDFATHER has
arrived at a taxi door. He flings it open and runs through,
opening the other door, thus making a safe bridge to the
car.

The BOYS follow and manage to make it to the big car safely.
They run towards grandfather's taxi. The FANS have followed
the BOYS and we see streams of GIRLS piling through all the
taxis one of which contains JOHNSON the city man, opening
and shutting the doors to get through, much to the indignation
of the TAXI DRIVERS.

INTERIOR BIG CAR

NORM is sitting in front with the driver, FRANK. The four
BOYS and GRANDFATHER are squashed together in the back.

NORM
(to the driver)
Go like the clappers, son!

FRANK
(smoothly)
That was my entire intention, sir.

EXTERIOR STATION

The car moves off surrounded by the FANS; from a height we
see them converge on the car but it moves forcefully out of
the station and off.

It moves into the traffic in the main road and the journey
to the hotel begins.

INTERIOR HOTEL SUITE NIGHT

There is a reception room and off it lead rooms that are
presumably bedrooms, bathroom, etc. JOHN is lying sprawled
out on a settee listening to a transistor radio, demolishing
a basket of fruit. PAUL is sitting at an upright piano and
GRANDFATHER is mooching about the room.

One of the doors opens and GEORGE enters followed by RINGO,
none of the BOYS are wearing coats.

RINGO
I don't snore.

GEORGE
You do -- repeatedly.

RINGO
(to John)
Do I snore?

JOHN
(eating a banana)
You're a window rattler, son.

RINGO
Well, that's just your opinion. Do I
snore, Paul?

PAUL
(stopping playing)
With a trombone hooter like yours
it'd be unnatural if you didn't.

GRANDFATHER
Don't mock the afflicted, Pauly.

PAUL
Oh for Pete's sake, It's only a joke.

GRANDFATHER
Well, it may be a joke, but it's his
nose. He can't help having a horrible
great nose, it's the only one he's
got. And his poor little head's
trembling under the weight of it.

NORM enters with three piles of fan mail and places them in
front of JOHN on a table. RINGO is almost in tears, examining
his nose in a mirror.

NORM
Paul, John, George -- get at it.

JOHN
Hello the income tax have caught up
with us at last.

PAUL and GEORGE gather round the low table. RINGO is left
out of it.

RINGO
None for me, then?

NORM
Sorry.

John hands RINGO a single envelope.

JOHN
That'll keep you busy.

GRANDFATHER
It's your nose, y'see. Fans are funny
that way. Take a dislike to things.
They'll pick on a nose...

RINGO
You go and pick on your own.

SHAKE enters with a stack of mail about three times larger
than all the others put together.

JOHN
Is that yours?

SHAKE
For Ringo.

He dumps it in Ringo's arms who staggers into an armchair.
The BOYS send him up.

JOHN
That must have cost you a fortune in
stamps, Ringo.

GEORGE
He comes from a large family.

RINGO
(dumping the letters)
Well.

RINGO opens his letter and reads it. It contains a large
embossed card.

RINGO
Eh, what's Boyd's Club?

The lads gather round him and PAUL takes the card from him
and reads.

PAUL
"The Management of Boyd's takes
pleasure in requesting the company
of Mr. Richard Starkey, that's you,
in their recently refinished gaming
rooms. Chemin de Fer. Baccarat,
Roulette, and Champagne Buffet."
Blimey!

RINGO
(surprised)
And they want me?

JOHN
Oh, it's got round that you're a
heavy punter.

NORM
(snatching the card)
Well you're not going.

RINGO
Ah.

GRANDFATHER
(taking card from
Norm)
Quite right, invites to gambling
dens full of easy money and fast
women, chicken sandwiches and cornets
of caviar, disgusting!

He pockets the card himself.

RINGO
That's mine.

NORM
Have done, and you lot get your pens
out.

BOYS
Why?

NORM
It's homework time for all you college
puddings. I want this lot
(he indicates the fan
letters)
all answered tonight.

The BOYS all protest.

NORM
I'll brook no denial!

JOHN
It's all right for you, you couldn't
get a pen in your foot, you swine.

NORM
Come on, Shake, we'll leave 'em to
their penmanship.

He goes followed by SHAKE.

There is a pause and JOHN deliberately rises slowly and
crosses to his coat. He puts it on and walks to the door.

JOHN
While the swine's away the piglets
can play. Well, come on, what are we
waiting for?

With a whoop PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO collect their coats and
head for the door.

GRANDFATHER
What about all these letters?

BOYS
Read 'em!

They disappear. After a moment GRANDFATHER takes out Ringo's
card.

C.U. GRANDFATHER

GRANDFATHER
And a free champagne buffet.

He grins to himself. At this moment a WAITER enters with a
tray. He is clad in tails and GRANDFATHER eyes them longingly,
measuring himself the while alongside the startled waiter.
He leaves us with no doubt in our minds what he wants, i.e.,
the waiter's suit.

INTERIOR DANCING CLUB NIGHT

The club is the latest in modern decor and full of teenagers
all enjoying themselves. The CAMERA wanders around the club
till it finally picks out JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE and RINGO all
crowded around one small table. The music is blaring away
from a juke box and the BOYS join the dancers. They are
recognised and given smiles and nods of encouragement by all
the other customers. During this scene we

CUT AWAY:

INTERIOR BOYD'S CLUB NIGHT

The whole atmosphere is of quiet elegance and loud wealth.
Around the baccarat table the rich, bored customers sit barely
moving a face muscle as they languidly murmur "suivez" and
"banco" to the dealer as he operates the shoe. The manager
of the club is beaming with satisfaction as he surveys his
customers. One of these customers is clad in evening dress
and he has his back to us. The rest of the players (male)
are in suits. By each of them is standing a lush lady with a
bored sophisticated face that looks as if it has been painted
on. From the REVERSE of the LAST SHOT we now see the solitary
evening dress player is GRANDFATHER. He looks around him and
wipes off his look of enjoyment and elaborately out-bores
everyone in the room.

DEALER
Alors, M'sieur?

GRANDFATHER
(nonchalant)
Souflée.

He turns to the buxom BLONDE, who is dripping over him.

GRANDFATHER
I bet you're a great swimmer. My
turn? Bingo!

CROUPIER
Pas "Bingo," M'sieur... Banco.

GRANDFATHER
(taking)
I'll take the little darlings anyway.

He takes up the cards and can't understand that they are
unnumbered.

GRANDFATHER
Two and one is three, carry one is
four.

The buxom BLONDE leans over him.

BLONDE
Lay them down.

GRANDFATHER
(disturbed by his
eyeline)
Eh?

BLONDE
Lay them down.

GRANDFATHER
We'd be thrown out.

BLONDE
Your cards... lay them down... face
up.

He does so.

CROUPIER
Huit à la pointe... et sept.
(He pushes chips and
box to Grandfather.)

BLONDE
You had a lovely little pair, y'see.

GRANDFATHER
I did?

CROUPIER taps impatiently on box (shoe).

BLONDE
They're yours.

GRANDFATHER
They are?

BLONDE
The cards... you're bank.

INTERIOR DANCING CLUB

The BOYS are having a rare old time and the place is really
moving.

INTERIOR BOYD'S CLUB

GRANDFATHER is playing and a waiter is checking the
requirements of the players.

GRANDFATHER
Bingo!

CROUPIER
(wearily)
M'lord dit "Bingo."

WAITER
(to Grandfather)
A little light refreshment.

GRANDFATHER
(lordly)
A glass of the old chablis to wash
down a gesture of giblets wouldn't
go amiss.
(He resumes his game.)
Souflée, chop chop.

The CROUPIER uses the spatula to pick up a card. GRANDFATHER
grabs it and scoops some sandwiches off a passing tray.

INTERIOR DANCING CLUB

The BOYS are at their table again laughing and enjoying
themselves, when suddenly their faces freeze.

From their P.O.V. we see NORM standing glowering down at
them. With him is SHAKE. Reluctantly the BOYS arise and follow
NORM out.

INTERIOR BOYD'S

GRANDFATHER is looking worried at the call of the card he
loses and we see that all his chips have gone. He notices
the waiter delivering snacks and champagne to a couple, so
quick as a flash, he places a handkerchief over his arm and
writing a bill out on a piece of paper, presents it to the
couple and collects payment in chips. He then resumes playing.

INTERIOR HOTEL ROOM

Waiter is sitting on chair in underclothes, reading. He hears
a noise, says "The manager!" and hides in outer clothes
closet. NORM and the BOYS enter saying:

NORM
Now get on with it.

JOHN
We were going to do it.

NORM
Aye, well, now!
(He goes through
bedroom)

RINGO goes to hang up coat in closet. He does so, then crosses
to rest.

RINGO
Any of you lot put a man in that
cupboard?

ALL
A man? No.

RINGO
Well somebody did.

GEORGE goes to cupboard. We see the WAITER from his P.O.V.
He closes door, returns to group.

GEORGE
He's right, y'know.

BOYS
(disinterested)
Ah well, there you go.

SHAKE enters front door, goes to hang up coat and drags WAITER
out.

SHAKE
Eh, what's all this?

PAUL
Oh, him... He's been lurking.

JOHN
Aye, he looks a right lurker.

SHAKE
(to WAITER)
You're undressed. Where are your
clothes?

WAITER
The old gentlemen borrowed them to
go gambling at Boyd's.

PAUL
No!

RINGO
Oh, he's gone to my club, has he?

PAUL
(turning on Ringo)
Yeah, It's all your fault, getting
invites to gambling clubs. He's
probably in the middle of an orgy by
now.

JOHN
Well, what are we waiting for?

SHAKE
Aye, come on, honest, that grandfather
of yours is worse than any of you
lot.

INTERIOR BOYD'S

GRANDFATHER is drinking champagne in locked arms with BLONDE.

WAITER
Encore de champagne, Monsieur?

GRANDFATHER
Yes, and I'll have some more champagne
as well.

He takes another swig of his glass.

MANAGER
(beaming)
Lord John McCartney, he's the
millionaire Irish Peer, filthy rich
of course.

CUSTOMER
Oh I don't know, looks rather clean
to me.

The MANAGER comes to grandfather's side.

MANAGER
Play is about to resume, m'lord.

GRANDFATHER
(handing him a chip)
Lead me to it, I've a winning itch
that only success can pacify.

He takes his place at the table. The MANAGER watches for a
moment then moves away from the table towards the club
reception desk.

INTERIOR RECEPTION DESK BOYD'S CLUB

JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, NORM and SHAKE are trying to gain
entrance.

ATTENDANT
I'm sorry sir, members and invited
guests only.

PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO, JOHN
I've got to get in.
It's urgent and important.
I've had an invite.
Take me to your leader.

NORM
Shurrup.

The BOYS do and meanwhile the MANAGER has walked into SHOT.
He recognises the BOYS and welcomes them with false
enthusiasm. They all start to enter the main room.

NORM
All we want to know is have you got
a little old man in there?

MANAGER
(pleasantly)
Do you mean Lord McCartney?

CLOSE-UP PAUL

PAUL
He's at it again. Look, I'm his
grandfather... I mean...

BLONDE
(standing next to
Grandfather)
Oh, it must be the dolly floor show.

JOHN
Stay where you are everybody this is
a raid and we want him.

GRANDFATHER
Who are these ruffians?... I've never
seen them before in my life!...
(etc.)


They grab the protesting GRANDFATHER and drag him into the
reception area. He keeps trying to return to BLONDE and table.
GEORGE and RINGO each take an end of the velvet cord hanging
between the two stanchions.

They exchange ends and re-hook it, thus encircling GRANDFATHER
by the entrance desk. They then go to settle up.

MANAGER
(with false charm)
Before you go, gentlemen, there's
the small matter of the bill.

He snaps his fingers and a waiter hands him the bill.

NORM
(taking it)
I'll settle that.

He glances at it.

NORM
A hundred and eighty pounds!

MANAGER
(icily)
I beg your pardon, guineas.

At that moment a WAITER appears with a tray full of pound
notes.

WAITER
Your winnings, my lord, one hundred
and ninety pounds.

The MANAGER tears up the bill and takes the money.

GRANDFATHER
How about me change?

MANAGER
Cloak room charge.

He hands GRANDFATHER his old mackintosh.

RINGO
(brightly)
Ah well, easy come, easy go.

The others glower at him.

RINGO
Well.

INTERIOR BIG CAR (MOVING ON WAY TO STUDIOS)

The BOYS have settled down.

JOHN
Should I say it?

GEORGE
Follow your impulse.

RINGO
It'll only get you into trouble.

JOHN
(to RINGO)
Aah, shurrup, misery!

JOHN slouches forward.

JOHN
(urgently)
O.K. Driver, follow that car!!

The driver [Frank] is an urbane young man in a handsome grey
uniform.

FRANK
(indicating the traffic)
Would you like to be a little more
precise, sir?

JOHN
Well, that's the wrong line for a
start.

FRANK
Sorry?
(meaning: "I beg your
pardon.")

GEORGE
Oh, don't pay any attention to him,
he was just fulfilling a lifelong
ambition.

FRANK
I see.

JOHN
Yeah, you know, "O.K. Buster, follow
that car, there's a sawbuck in it
for you if you get real close!"

FRANK
Oh, yes, now I'm with you.
([he changes his
accent])
But, gee, Mister, I've got my license
to think of... we're doing a hundred
now...

The car is stopped in traffic behind a bus. JOHN gets out of
car and walks to the front. JOHN leans in window delightedly,
he flashes his wallet.

JOHN
Ever seen one of these before?

FRANK
Ah... a shamus, eh?

JOHN
I see you go to the night court.

FRANK
I've made the scene.

JOHN
Well, remember, its Leathery Magee
up ahead in that convertible, so
cover me in the stake-out.

GEORGE
I don't think that bit's right.

JOHN
What do you expect from an ad lib...
Raymond Chandler?

EXTERIOR STREET

As the big car overtakes a Company Director's Rolls. JOHN
lowers his window and the boys let out an imaginary hail of
bullets at the Executive in the back. He reacts violently
and starts to shout at them.

As he does so, he presses the button of his window, so that
we hear only part of it. But what we do is unpleasant. He
immediately presses the button and the window rises.

RINGO and PAUL jump out of the car. RINGO takes two drumsticks
from his coat pocket and, using them as banderillas, inserts
them with style into the radiator grill (V.O. "Ole" from the
BOYS). PAUL, then, using his coat as a matador's cloak, does
a butterfly pass at the car which has just started up,
narrowly missing him, but he keeps in the matador position.

INTERIOR CAR

NORM
Will you all stop it, you're like a
gang of school kids. I knew this was
going to happen one day.

JOHN
(as Ringo and Paul
climb in)
Well, you shouldn't have had bacon
for your breakfast, you cannibal.

FRANK
(to Norm)
We're nearly there, sir.

JOHN
Eh... don't call him sir, he's got
enough delusions of power as it is.

CLOSE SHOT of a long suffering NORM.

NORM
And I was happy in the bakery. I'll
never know why I left.

EXTERIOR OF AN OLD VICTORIAN MUSIC HALL THEATRE

Which has been converted to the T.V. studios.

There are a few groups of GIRL FANS standing outside the
front of the theatre, but against the kerb of the pavement
is a night-watchman's canvas hut and brazier.

The car approaches.

INTERIOR OF THE CAR

NORM
Get ready John, open the door and as
it draws up, out you go and straight
in.

JOHN nods and opens the door. The FANS start to swarm 'round
them. To escape, the BOYS dash into the night-watchman's
canvas hut, pick it up and run with it to the stage door,
revealing the night-watchman, staring in astonishment.

At the door the BOYS put the hut down and enter the theatre.

INTERIOR STAGE DOOR ENTRANCE

As the BOYS enter, two P.R.O. men in dark suits, stiff white
collars and old school ties step forward and smile menacingly.

FIRST P.R.O. MAN
(menacingly)
Press conference, they're waiting
for you.

NORM
(jovially)
Give us a couple of shakes to get
our breath.

FIRST P.R.O. MAN
(more menacingly)
They're waiting now!

And without more ado they grab an arm each and march the
protesting NORM towards the stairs that lead to the dress
circle.

PAUL
Eh this lot means it. They're even
taking hostages.

The BOYS, SHAKE and GRANDFATHER rush after the rapidly
disappearing NORM, who by now is half way up the stairs.

INTERIOR OF DRESS CIRCLE LOUNGE BALLROOM

It is empty except for two barmaids poised ready to serve,
standing behind trestle tables full of drinks and sandwiches.
The dark suited MEN enter with NORM and close behind them
follow GRANDFATHER, SHAKE and the boys. The group arrives at
the centre of the lounge and have time to look about and see
the food but before they can get to it, from all directions
NEWSPAPERMEN and PHOTOGRAPHERS converge upon them.

Now begins an elaborate tug-of-war between various
PHOTOGRAPHERS using their flash attachments and REPORTERS to
capture a Beatle and in the midst of this running battle a
man with a portable recorder is trying to interview them.
Together and singly the BOYS are pushed about the room and
while this goes on a hard core of NEWSPAPERMEN are busily
devouring sandwiches and pouring themselves drinks, to the
annoyance of the BARMAIDS.

Every time one of the BOYS attempts to get a sandwich or a
drink, it is either too late, the plate is empty, or they
are intercepted. The single and constant thing we see in the
scene is the pushing and pulling, heavy impersonal handling,
the boys are just things to be placed like still life in one
advantageous position after another.

During the scene these individual exchanges take place:

SOUND REPORTER
What's your philosophy of life?

JOHN
I'm torn between Zen and I'm all
right, Jack.

REPORTER
Has success changed your life?

RINGO
Yes.

REPORTER
Do you like playing the guitar?

GEORGE
Next to kissing girls it's favourites.

PAUL is surrounded by newspapermen.

PAUL
No, actually, we're just good friends.

HIGH SHOT of the press reception and we see the BOYS ease
their way out until they get to the curtained entrance to
the dress circle; completely unnoticed, they slip through.

INTERIOR THEATRE DRESS CIRCLE

The BOYS come up the stairs into the Dress Circle proper.
GRANDFATHER and SHAKE are sitting there having a picnic of
beer and sandwiches.

PAUL
(ironically)
Anything to spare?

GRANDFATHER
We've just finished, Pauly. Hey
George, write us your John Henry on
this picture.

GEORGE
Sure.
(He does so)

PAUL
Ah well. Eh, look!

He points, and from PAUL'S P.O.V. we see on stage, the setting
up of the show, scenery and lights, cameras and sound
equipment are being put into position by a small army of
studio staff. DANCERS and SINGERS are milling about as well.

PAUL
Let's go and muck in.

JOHN
Aye, before anyone stops us.

They exit to rows of the dress circle and go through the
entrance down the narrow stairs to the stalls and on to the
stage that is built and extended right into the stalls, which
are partly covered up.

INTERIOR STAGE

Everyone is so busy that they hardly notice the BOYS, who
wander about and examine the studio equipment. A load of
three drum sets are being brought on stage and a voice shouts
out:

VOICE
Here, what about these electric
guitars?

SHAKE
Where are they?

VOICE
Back here, mate.

SHAKE
(going towards the
voice)
I'm coming.

RINGO is busy setting up his drums, and men are setting up
the other sets. He drops a stick and the FLOOR MANAGER
retrieves it and is about to tap the drum. The FLOOR MANAGER
is a languid young man.

RINGO
Leave them drums alone.

FLOOR MANAGER
Oh, surely one can have a tiny touch.

RINGO
If you so much as breathe heavy on
them, I'm out on strike.

FLOOR MANAGER
Aren't you being rather arbitrary?

RINGO
That's right retreat behind a smoke
screen of bourgeois cliches. I don't
go round messing about with your ear-
phones, do I?

FLOOR MANAGER
Spoil sport!

RINGO
Well!

RINGO fusses like a mother hen clucking over his drums. The
FLOOR MANAGER is furious.

GEORGE
He's very touchy about those his
drums, they loom large in his legend.

RINGO gives his drums a defiant crash and JOHN and PAUL stop
whatever they are up to and hurry over.

PAUL
What's up?

GEORGE
(pointing)
He's sulking again.

JOHN
I'll show him.

He picks up a set of drum sticks and bashes back at RINGO,
who does a more complicated drum roll. GEORGE now joins in
and to PAUL'S encouragement a drum duel starts completely
naturally and improvised.

During this encounter the work proceeds around them and the
guitars are brought on and SHAKE sets them to working order.
PAUL first, then JOHN and GEORGE take up their own instruments
and out of the drum duel emerges one of their numbers.

INTERIOR RAMP

As the number finishes a baldheaded man (he is the T.V.
director) storms down the ramp that leads from the control
box under the dress circle.

DIRECTOR
(with over-exaggerated
calm)
All right I'm sorry and let's hear
no more about it. If that's your
opinion, you're probably right. Look,
if you think I'm unsuitable let's
have it out in the open, I can't
stand these back-stage politics.

By the end of this speech he is standing in front of JOHN
who takes the scene in his stride.

JOHN
Aren't you tending to black and white
this whole situation?

DIRECTOR
Well, quite honestly I wasn't
expecting "a musical arranger" who
would question my ability... picture-
wise.

JOHN
(to the others)
I could listen to him for hours.

PAUL
Heave to, what's all this about a
musical arranger?

DIRECTOR
Mr. McCartney Senior!

The BOYS have a giggle at the very idea and at this moment
GRANDFATHER appears from behind the DIRECTOR.

GRANDFATHER
Hey Pauly, they're trying to fob you
off wid this musical charlatan but
I've given him the test.

DIRECTOR
(bravely)
I'm quite happy to be replaced.

GRANDFATHER
(indicating the
director)
He's a typical buck-passer.

DIRECTOR
I won an award.

JOHN
A likely story.

DIRECTOR
It's on the wall in my office.

At this moment NORM comes on the stage, confident, cigar in
mouth and serene.

NORM
Hello our lot, everyone happy?

The BOYS, the DIRECTOR, FLOOR MANAGER and GRANDFATHER turn
on him and stare silently.

NORM
All right, all right. If you don't
need this lot, I'll lock 'em up in
the dressing room till you do.

DIRECTOR
Please do, I'll not need them for
fifteen minutes. Thank you.

He glares at GRANDFATHER who glares right back. The DIRECTOR
walks away with the FLOOR MANAGER pacifying him.

DIRECTOR
Give me a bottle of milk and a packet
of Oblivion. Oh, it's a plot, I see
it now, it's all a plot.

They go left towards the back-stage.

NORM
(producing key)
Now, come on, I've got the key.

He leads the lads off right. RINGO is last as he is putting
his drum sticks down safely.

NORM and the BOYS turn on him.

NORM
Let's have you.

JOHN
Come on speedy!

PAUL
Ringo!

GEORGE
Wake up!

RINGO glares at them and follows quickly. As the BOYS move
off after NORM, they pass the next act waiting for rehearsal.
It is an elegant man in full-tail suit meticulously adjusting
his cuff-links. Beside him is a free-standing sign reading
"Leslie Jackson and his ten disappearing doves." The BOYS
pass him and go through the door.

GRANDFATHER stops and looks at the performer with respect.

GRANDFATHER
I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed
your act.

He slaps the man on the back with happy camaraderie. There
is the sound of a dove, a few feathers fall out of the sleeve
of the man's coat and he and GRANDFATHER look down at the
floor. The man glares at GRANDFATHER, takes out a pen from
his pocket, crosses out "10" on his sign, and writes "9" in
its place, puts the pen back in his pocket and starts towards
the centre stage putting on a false performer's smile as he
does.

INTERIOR THEATRE BACK-STAGE CORRIDOR

The BOYS move down the narrow stairs, and out of the ground
floor dressing rooms stream a steady flow of costumed actors
and actresses.

They engulf the lads and force them against the wall -- the
actors are all making for the stage door. As the actors push
past the boys we see the boys' excited faces, their mouths
watering for the costumes. JOHN touches the costume on one
actor.

JOHN
(to actor)
Gear costume!

ACTOR
(eyeing him)
Swap?

NORM
Right, first floor and no messing
about.

NORM, leading the way, goes up the stairs but as they turn
the first corner they are confronted by a group of girls, a
game of manners starts, "after you," "No, after you." NORM
who is ahead of the group looks down on them in disgust.

NORM
Lennon, leave them girls alone or
I'll report you.

The BOYS let the GIRLS pass and resume the journey, always
surrounded by people.

INTERIOR DRESSING ROOM AND CORRIDOR

RINGO'S attention is caught by a door. He crosses and opens
it, looking out to a fire escape. The others join him and
the four boys step through the door and onto the fire escape.

EXTERIOR TOP OF FIRE ESCAPE

From the BOYS' P.O.V. we see down below into the property
yard behind the theatre. It is a long narrow yard full of
old coaches, motor cars and all the general debris of hundreds
of sets from past theatre shows.

Through the piles of heaped high junk there are a couple of
narrow alleyways.

The BOYS scamper down the fire escape.

When they reach the bottom of the alleyways, there is a large
door.

They open it and look through.

From their P.O.V. we see a large green field quite empty.
The boys step through the doorway into the field. We now see
from a HELICOPTER SHOT the four BOYS standing together
surrounded by space.

It is the first time they have been alone and unconfined all
day.

They look at each other and grin... then first GEORGE and
PAUL let out a whoop and run towards the centre of the field,
after a moment JOHN and RINGO follow them. The BOYS pick up
some loose straw and insert it under JOHN'S cap and sleeves,
turning him into a scarecrow.

The four BOYS dash about madly calling out to one another
and generally horsing around. Out of this emerges an imaginary
game of soccer and although there is no ball the game is
fast and furious. After a few moments the long shadow of a
man falls across the grass.

MAN'S VOICE
(off)
I suppose you know this is private
property.

The boys freeze.

From their P.O.V. we see a big burly middle-aged man glowering
at them.

The boys exchange rueful glances and, under the big man's
eye, mooch back towards the gateway they came in by. JOHN is
the last to go through. He turns to the man.

JOHN
Sorry if we hurt your field, Mister.

INTERIOR CORRIDOR BACK-STAGE

GRANDFATHER is sneaking down the corridor, a pile of photos
under his arm.

INTERIOR T.V. THEATRE UNDERNEATH THE STAGE

Under the stage the usual set of wooden columns that support
the stage with lots of furniture and a single light is on;
it is placed by the orchestra's entrance to the orchestra
pit. GRANDFATHER comes down the stairs and winds his way
through the columns until he finds himself a safe little
cubby hole and settles himself under the light. He spreads
the signed photos of the BOYS in front of him and, adjusting
an old-fashioned pair of glasses, ball-point pen in hand
begins to copy the BOYS' signatures on to the fresh photos,
tutting at his failures and chuckling at his successes. After
a moment, there is a sound of someone coming down the stairs.
GRANDFATHER darts into a dark patch out of sight.

The menacing shadows appear on the stairway.

NORM (VOICE OFF)
There's no one here.

SHAKE (VOICE OFF)
This is the only way they could have
gone.

We now see GRANDFATHER holding himself stiffly in, he is on
some sort of raised platform and he fidgets and in doing so
he knocks a lever of some sort. Slowly GRANDFATHER ascends
out of shot with a light that grows bigger above him.

INTERIOR T.V. THEATRE STAGE

A rehearsal of the toast scene from a Strauss Operetta. The
entire stage is full of SINGERS, glasses in hand they are
singing away at each other but in true opera tradition they
are addressing out to the audience. Slowly in-between the
leading man and leading woman, who are about to embrace, a
stage trap opens and a blinking, surprised, GRANDFATHER
appears. Here we INTERCUT to the T.V. Control Room for amazed
reaction shots of the DIRECTOR and control room CREW.

Back now on the stage the toast song reaches its climax and
the leading man and woman rush into each other's arms,
GRANDFATHER sandwiched between them.

INTERIOR CORRIDOR AS BOYS PASS THRU ON WAY TO DRESSING ROOM

JOHN is behind them. JOHN, BOYS and MILLIE are walking towards
each other.

MILLIE
(as all pass)
Hello.

JOHN
(stopping... the boys
carry on past, not
noticing her)
Hello.

MILLIE
Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me
you're...

JOHN
No, not me.

MILLIE
(insistently)
Oh you are, I know you are.

JOHN
No, I'm not.

MILLIE
You are.

JOHN
I'm not, no.

MILLIE
Well, you look like him.

JOHN
Oh do I? You're the first one who
ever said that.

MILLIE
Oh you do, look.

JOHN looks at himself in the mirror.

JOHN examines himself in the mirror carefully.

JOHN
My eyes are lighter.

MILLIE
(agreeing)
Oh yes.

JOHN
And my nose...

MILLIE
Well, yes your nose is. Very.

JOHN
Is it?

MILLIE
I would have said so.

JOHN
Aye, but you know him well.

MILLIE
(indignantly)
No I don't, he's only a casual
acquaintance.

JOHN
(knowingly)
That's what you tell me.

MILLIE
(suspiciously)
What have you heard?

JOHN
(blandly)
It's all over the place, everyone
knows.

MILLIE
Is it? Is it really?

JOHN
Mind you, I stood up for you, I mean
I wouldn't have it.

MILLIE
I knew I could rely on you.

JOHN
(modestly)
Thanks.

MILLIE touches his arm then walks away. After a moment she
turns.

MILLIE
You don't look like him at all.

JOHN winks at her and she winks back.

INTERIOR DRESSING ROOM

NORM and SHAKE enter the room. The BOYS' TAILOR is there
waiting for the BOYS.

SHAKE
Oh they've probably gone to the
canteen, cup of tea, like.

NORM
That's too easy for Lennon.

He crosses to door leading to fire escape.

NORM
(dramatically)
He's out there somewhere, causing
trouble just to upset me.

SHAKE
You're imagining it. You're letting
things prey on your mind.

NORM
Oh no... this is a battle of nerves
between John and me.

SHAKE
But John hasn't got any.

NORM
What?

SHAKE
Nerves.

NORM
I know, that's the trouble.

He puffs nervously at his cigarette.

NORM
Oh, I've toyed with the idea of a
ball and chain but he'd only rattle
them at me... and in public and all.
Sometimes I think he enjoys seeing
me suffer.

He hears something.

NORM
Get behind that door, they're coming.
Someone's coming. Quick, hide!

The two men hide behind the door. The boys enter the room,
as JOHN is last he shuts the door and faces SHAKE and NORM.

JOHN
What are you doing there?

SHAKE
Hiding.

JOHN
I think you're soft or something.

NORM
We weren't hiding.

TAILOR
Now?

NORM
Now. We were trying to catch you
redhanded. I thought I told you lot
to stay here?

RINGO
Well...

NORM
When I tell you to stay put, stay
put.

JOHN
(down on his knees)
Don't cane me, sir, I was led astray.

NORM
Oh shurrup and come on John. They're
waiting for you in the studio.

RINGO
Oh dear, I feel like doing a bit of
work.

NORM
Good lad, Ringo.

PAUL
Oh, listen to teacher's pet.

GEORGE
You crawler.

JOHN
He's betrayed the class.

RINGO
Oh, leave off!!!

JOHN
Temper! Temper!

RINGO
Well...

CLOSE-UP on NORM's long suffering face.

NORM
Will you all get a move on! They're
waiting for you!

By this time the TAILOR has his tape stretched between his
hands to measure GEORGE's shoulders. But since GEORGE has
moved away, he is measuring space. JOHN takes up his scissors
and cuts the tape.

JOHN
I now declare this bridge open.

The BOYS run out the door.

INTERIOR BACKSTAGE AREA

Five beautiful MODELS are standing about in costume. One is
knitting a loose wool sweater which is almost completed.
There is the sound of a juggling act's music off and a few
of the girls are looking off towards the centre stage. At
the edge of frame is a collapsible table covered with green
baize. On it are three spaced white plates.

From the door off stage, above which is a sign "To Canteen
and Production Offices", GRANDFATHER enters eating a plate
of spaghetti on toast. The knitting GIRL sees him and, in
mime, asks him to stand still so that she can measure the
sweater against him. GRANDFATHER, eager to help, puts his
plate of food on the green table between plates two and three.
He goes to be measured with the sweater.

From the onstage area, a juggler's ASSISTANT (pretty girl)
in costume backs up and with the usual theatrical flourishes
picks up, without looking, plate number ONE and throws it
off screen towards centre stage. There is a drum roll from
orchestra. She then throws plate number TWO. We CUT on stage
to the JUGGLER now balancing the two spinning plates on two
poles, one in each hand. He has another pole in his mouth
and nods to his ASSISTANT, asking for the THIRD plate.

We CUT BACK to the ASSISTANT who, still not looking, throws
plate THREE which is GRANDFATHER's. There is the sound of an
orchestra raggedly stopping and all the hangers-on in the
scene look off interestedly.

We hear the DIRECTOR's voice.

DIRECTOR (V.O.)
All right, hold it, hold it... O.K.
John, wipe him down and we'll carry
on with the next act.

WE CUT TO:

centre stage. The JUGGLER is as before but the spaghetti is
covering his head, having slipped off the third plate.

The FLOOR MANAGER is bustling around, trying to help.

We CUT BACK to back-stage. GRANDFATHER has finished being
measured and goes to the green table where he put his plate
down. He picks up the only remaining plate, looks at it,
wondering where his food has gone, shrugs and heads back
towards the exit door as we hear the DIRECTOR's VOICE.

INTERIOR T.V. STUDIO FLOOR

CLOSE-UP on the distraught DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR
Where are they? I said, where are
they? Where are they?

FLOOR MANAGER
(placating)
They're coming, I promise you.

DIRECTOR
(fiercely)
Now look, if they're not here on
this floor in thirty seconds there's
going to be trouble... understand
me... trouble!!!

Two STAGE HANDS are walking disinterestedly past, they look
at the DIRECTOR.

1ST STAGE HAND
What's he on about, Taff?

WELSH STAGE HAND
Well... he's being the director. Of
course, he lives in a world of his
own, mind.

At this moment the boys, NORM, SHAKE and GRANDFATHER appear.
The BOYS grab their instruments and prepare to play.

JOHN
(to the director)
Standing about, eh? Some people have
it dead easy, don't they?

The director is about to blow his top but manages to hold on
and mutter to the heavens.

DIRECTOR
(to himself)
Of course, once you're over thirty,
you're finished. It's a young man's
medium and I just can't take the
pace.

RINGO
Are you as young as that, then?

BOYS
Shurrup!

GRANDFATHER
Isn't it always the way? Picking on
us little fellas.

PAUL
(to Shake)
Shove the gentleman jockey in the
make-up room or something and keep
your eye on him, will you?

SHAKE
I'm an electrician, not a wet nurse,
y'know.

PAUL
(threateningly)
I'll set John on you!

SHAKE
(hastily)
Oh, anything you say, Paul.

He leads GRANDFATHER away.

The BOYS are placed in position, instruments ready. The boom
moves in near them. There is a mike hovering just over JOHN'S
head. JOHN starts attacking it.

DIRECTOR'S VOICE
(over Tannoy)
Run through the number and try not
to jiggle out of your positions.

The BOYS start the number, as the stage hands adjust their
settings.

When they've finished, they stand about spare.

INTERIOR T.V. CONTROL ROOM

The room is crowded with the usual personnel, P.A., elecs,
racks, etc.... make-up supervisor and wardrobe mistress.

DIRECTOR
That was more or less all right for
me. I'll give them one more run
through then leave them alone until
the dress...
(to make-up woman)
Oh how about make-up?

MAKE-UP WOMAN
Not really, they don't need it any.
We'll just powder them off for shine.

DIRECTOR
Good. Norm, get them along to make-
up will you?

NORM
(rising)
Sure.

DIRECTOR
(looking into the
monitor)
And hurry, they're not looking too
happy.

From the director's P.O.V. we see into the monitor. The boys
crowding around RINGO. We cut through the monitor into the
same position in the studio.

INTERIOR T.V. STUDIO FLOOR

PAUL
(to Ringo)
What's the matter with you? You were
bashing away like a madman.

RINGO
(briefly)
You were twanging too loud.

JOHN
How'd you like a dirty great drum
roll giving you a clout right in the
middle of your solo?

GEORGE
You're getting out of hand. I don't
know what's come over you today.

RINGO
That's right. It's always me, isn't
it?

JOHN
Since you ask, yes.
(he laughs)
Aah, come on, Ring, we love you.

He puts his arm around Ringo's shoulder.

RINGO
Well!

JOHN
He'll get over it.

NORM appears down the ramp speaking as he approaches.

NORM
All right, our lot, make-up.

INTERIOR MAKE UP ROOM

A smallish room with a line of chairs facing a wall mirror
and a long table. Each place is clearly marked and above
each mirror a girl's name: Betty, Angela, Deirdre, Jenny.

SHAKE and GRANDFATHER are sitting in splendid isolation.
They are staring each other out.

SHAKE
You blinked!

GRANDFATHER
I never did, you did.

The BOYS enter.

SHAKE
Hello, he's not talking to me. He's
having a sulk.

GEORGE
Well, it must be catching. He's given
it to the champ here.

He indicates RINGO who ignores him.

NORM
Stop picking on him.

RINGO
I don't need you to defend me, y'know,
Norm.

JOHN
Leave him alone, he's got swine fever.

NORM
Sit down, the lot of you.

At this moment several actors come into the room. They are
all dressed in the uniform of officers in Wellington's army.
Together with the boys they sit down, Beatles and soldiers
all mixed up.

Now a group of several pretty make-up girls make an entrance
and the boys herald their arrival with a chorus of "aye aye's"
and wolf whistles. JOHN meanwhile has helped himself to a
big beard and the other lads are generally messing about
with assorted make-up things.

HEAD MAKE UP GIRL
Oh, this is impossible! We'll never
get you all done in time.

ACTOR
Well, you'll just have to do us
first... It makes no difference to
them whether they're made up or not.
(sees John with beard)
And who's me, then?

JOHN
(charmingly)
My name's Betty...
(pointing to the name
on the mirror)
Do you want a punch up your frogged
tunic?

NORM fights his way to JOHN.

NORM
Now listen, John, behave yourself or
I'll murder you and, Shake, take
that wig off, it suits you.

SHAKE has a long blond girl's wig on. With the assistance of
the girls, NORM gets the boys seated into the chairs nearest
the door. For some reason RINGO now has a Guardsman's busby
wedged down almost over his eyes and is sitting with it under
a hair drier, reading a copy of "Queen" Magazine.

NORM
(to Ringo)
What do you think are you're up to?

RINGO
Someone put it on me.

JOHN
Excuses, that's all we get and you
know you fancy yourself in the
Coldstreams.

The GIRLS now move in and put make up bibs on the BOYS and
start to powder them off.

JOHN
You won't interfere with the basic
rugged concept of my personality,
will you, girl?

PAUL
Eh, don't take out me lines.

GEORGE
Yeah, they give him that "Je ne sais
quoi" rakish air.

The lads laugh with pleasure.

RINGO decides to try a little joke.

RINGO
(indicating the busby
he is still wearing)
Short back and sides, please.

The other look at him with mock disgust.

PAUL
Behave...

JOHN
Foreign devil ...

GEORGE
Control yourself...

GRANDFATHER has been watching the powdering process.

GRANDFATHER
In my considered opinion you're a
bunch of sissies.

JOHN grabs a powder puff from his girl.

JOHN
You know you're only jealous!

And dabs the old man liberally with the powder much to
GRANDFATHER's annoyance.

NORM
Leave him alone, Lennon, or I'll
tell them all the truth about you.

JOHN
You wouldn't!

NORM
I would though.

NORM goes out.

PAUL
What's he know?

JOHN
Nothing, he's trying to brainwash me
and give me personality doubts...
oh, he's a swine but a clever swine,
mind.

GRANDFATHER
(impatiently)
Lookit, I thought I was supposed to
be getting a change of scenery and
so far I've seen a train and a room,
a car and a room and a room and a
room. Well, that's maybe all right
for a bunch of powdered gee-gaws
like you lot but I'm feeling decidedly
strait-jacketed. This is no life for
a free-booting agent of my stamp.
I'm a frustrated man and that class
of McCartney is a dangerous McCartney.

GIRL
(admiringly)
What a clean old man.

GRANDFATHER
(touchingly)
You're too young for a fella of my
cosmopolitan tastes, so don't press
your luck.

JOHN
He's sex-obsessed, the older
generation are leading this country
to galloping ruin.

NORM returns leaving the door open, the boys hear the sound
of music coming from the studio.

NORM
They're nearly ready for you. They're
just finishing the band call.

JOHN
(jumping from his
seat)
Gear! Come on, girls, let's have a
bit of a dance.

JOHN'S GIRL
I don't think its allowed.

JOHN
Well... it wouldn't be any fun if it
was!

The BOYS drag the make-up GIRLS out of the room and into the
studio.

The GIRLS are still trying to finish making the BOYS up.

As the BOYS and MAKE-UP GIRLS dance past, we see one of the
"Strauss" singers combing his long hair straight back. Two
STAGE HANDS swing a wind machine past him and his hair is
blown straight forward into a Beatle cut.

JOHN
(passing him)
Never.

During dance, GEORGE takes off wig and places it on dummy,
revealing identical hair underneath.

INTERIOR T.V. STUDIO FLOOR

The work is still going on and the music is up full blast,
the BOYS enter and with the GIRLS [and] they start a wild
dance, hippy, shake, zulu, blue beat, the lot. LIONEL and
DANCERS are doing their routine on one side of the stage...
it becomes a challenge dance between both groups. JOHN swings
his GIRL onto the motorized CAMERA, Western style, and starts
to track through the GROUP. GEORGE is on another CAMERA.

INTERIOR CONTROL ROOM

The whole control room crew are watching the dance on all
the monitors.

The DIRECTOR is about to stop the boys but his GIRL P.A.
glares at him, with a shrug he lets the dance go on.

We now cut between the dancers on the monitors and the boys
actual dancing down on the studio floor. When the recorded
music stops, they grab their instruments and go into a number.

So we can watch every aspect of their work and with so many
monitors it gives the impression that there are many more
boys than just four.

When the number finally ends we are back in the studio on
the floor.

INTERIOR T.V. STUDIO FLOOR DIRECTOR'S VOICE OVER TANNOY

Thank you gentlemen, you can break now while we push on with
the show.

The boys acknowledge this with a quaver of guitar chords and
a drum roll.

NORM is on them at once.

NORM
That was great, you've got about an
hour but don't leave the theatre.

JOHN grabs the arm of a sexy girl dancer.

JOHN
She's going to show me her stamp
collection.

PAUL
(grabs a showgirl)
So's mine.

NORM
John, I'm talking to you. This final
run through is important. Understand?
Important.

JOHN
(like a pig)
Oink! Oink!

They dash off with the two beauties.

GRANDFATHER is hovering in the background with SHAKE.

GRANDFATHER
I want me cup of tea.

NORM
Shake.

SHAKE
I'm adjusting the decibels on the
inbalance.

NORM
Clever.
(he turns)
George.

But GEORGE is disappearing out of the door.

NORM turns to RINGO.

NORM
Look after him.

RINGO
But...

NORM
Do I have to raise me voice?

RINGO
(choked)
Oh, all right. Come here, Grandad.

And the two of them walk off, Ringo leading.

INTERIOR BACKSTAGE

A man, whose act is playing tunes by hitting himself on the
head, is swallowing a handful of aspirin tablets. He starts
rehearsing his act, which consists of throwing his head back
and slapping his cheeks. Next to him, a JUGGLER is practising
with four table tennis balls.

GRANDFATHER passes him and bumps his arm slightly. Only 3
balls come down. There is the sound of coughing off.

WE CUT TO:

THE HEAD-PLAYER being patted on the back. The ball drops out
of his mouth and bounces slowly on the studio floor.

INTERIOR T.V. STUDIO CANTEEN

The canteen is about half full of actors many of which are
dressed as Nazi soldiers, with mock blood bandages and arm
bands. Also there are a sprinkling of T.V. people. At a table
sits GRANDFATHER and RINGO. RINGO is deeply engrossed in a
book and GRANDFATHER has a near empty cup of tea in front of
him. The old man is bored and looks about him slyly. He then
looks at Ringo who is innocently occupied, a malicious gleam
comes into GRANDFATHER's eye. He decides to have a go at
RINGO and sits staring at him. RINGO gradually becomes aware
of the stare and shifts uncomfortably then tries to continue
reading his book.

GRANDFATHER
(disgustedly to no
one in particular)
Will you ever look at him, sitting
there wid his hooter scraping away
at that book!

RINGO
Well... what's the matter with that?

GRANDFATHER
(taking the book from
him)
Have you no natural resources of
your own? Have they even robbed you
of that?

RINGO
(snatching back his
book)
You can learn from books.

GRANDFATHER
Can you now? Aah... sheeps' heads!
You learn more by getting out there
and living.

RINGO
Out where?

GRANDFATHER
Any old where... but not our little
Richard... oh no! When you're not
thumping them pagan skins, you're
tormenting your eyes wid that rubbish!

RINGO
(defiantly)
Books are good!

GRANDFATHER
(countering)
Parading's better!

RINGO
Parading?

GRANDFATHER
(marching up and down
the canteen)
That's it, parading the streets...
trailing your coat... bowling along...
living!

RINGO
Well, I am living, aren't I?

GRANDFATHER
You're living, are you? When was the
last time you gave a girl a pink-
edged daisy? When did you last
embarrass a sheila wid your cool
appraising stare?

RINGO
Eh... you're a bit old for that sort
of chat, aren't you?

GRANDFATHER
At least I've a backlog of memories,
but all you've got is that book!

RINGO
Aaah... stop picking on me... you're
as bad as the rest of them.

GRANDFATHER
So you are a man after all.

RINGO
What's that mean?

GRANDFATHER
Do you think I haven't noticed... do
you think I wasn't aware of the drift?
Oh... you poor unfortunate scuff,
they've driven you into books by
their cruel, unnatural treatment,
exploiting your good nature.

RINGO
(not too sure)
Oh... I dunno.

GRANDFATHER
(confidingly)
And that lot's never happier than
when they're jeering at you... and
where would they be without the steady
support of your drum beat, I'd like
to know.

RINGO
Yeah... that's right.

GRANDFATHER
And what's it all come to in the
end?

RINGO
(defensively)
Yeah... what's in it for me?

GRANDFATHER
A book!

RINGO
Yeah... a bloomin' book!

He throws the book down.

GRANDFATHER
When you could be out there betraying
a rich American widow or sipping
palm wine in Tahiti before you're
too old like me. A fine neat and
trim lad the class of you should be
helping himself to life's goodies
before the sands run out. Being an
old age pensioner's a terrible drag
on a man and every second you waste
is bringing you nearer the Friday
queue at the Post Office.

RINGO
Yeah... funny really, 'cos I'd never
thought of it but being middle-aged
and old takes up most of your time,
doesn't it?

GRANDFATHER
(nodding)
You're only right.

RINGO
(nodding back)
I'm not wrong.

There is a pause, then RINGO rises and crosses to the door.

GRANDFATHER
Where are you off to?

RINGO
I'm going parading before it's too
late!

RINGO leaves and GRANDFATHER laughs at what he has done,
then realizes its full meaning and looks worried.

INTERIOR CORRIDOR AND STAIRWAY

RINGO comes along the corridor then down the narrow stairs.
Half-way down he comes face to face with GEORGE who is coming
up the stairs.

GEORGE
Eh, Ringo, do you know what happened
to me?

RINGO
(passing him)
No. I don't.

As he goes round the corner RINGO turns on the surprised
GEORGE.

RINGO
You want to stop being so scornful,
it's twisting your face.

INTERIOR T.V. THEATRE NEAR STAGE DOORMAN'S OFFICE

JOHN and PAUL are chatting up a couple of girls, when they
see RINGO approaching they break off the conversation.

JOHN
Here he is, the middle-aged boy
wonder.

RINGO looks at JOHN hard.

PAUL
Eh. I thought you were looking after
the old man.

RINGO
(with simple dignity)
Get knotted!

PAUL and JOHN gape at him. For good measure Ringo takes a
quick photograph of them before he leaves them flabbergasted
and walks off into the street.

PAUL
We've got only half an hour till the
final run-through. He can't walk out
on us.

JOHN
Can't he? He's done it, son!

GEORGE runs towards them.

GEORGE
Eh, I don't know if you realise it,
but...

PAUL
We do.

GEORGE
Yes. Your grandfather's stirred him
up.

PAUL
He hasn't.

GEORGE
Yes, he's filled his head with notions
seemingly.

PAUL
The old mixer, come on we'll have to
put him right.

The three of them go into the street.

EXTERIOR T.V. THEATRE STAGE DOOR ENTRANCE

The boys look up and down but RINGO has completely
disappeared.

PAUL
We'll split up and search for him,
he can't be far.

They now all start to go off in the same direction, they
pause, there are three roads they can take but each time
they begin to move they all go the same way.

JOHN
It's happened at last, we've become
a limited company.

GEORGE
I'll look in here again.

PAUL gives him a push to the left and GEORGE to the right
and going straight ahead himself they part and go their
separate ways.

EXTERIOR STREET

RINGO is walking along taking photographs with his camera
when some girls recognise him and start to follow him. They
quicken their pace and RINGO runs ahead of them. He turns
and comes into another street.

He sees a second-hand clothes shop with a sign saying "We
Buy Anything" and enters the shop just before the pursuing
girls come round the corner. The girls stand about looking
in all directions. After a moment RINGO comes out of the
shop. He is wearing a long mackintosh and a natty cap pulled
well down. He is ignored by the girls who don't recognise
him. Realising this he goes back and ogles one of them. She
glares at him.

RINGO
Hello.

GIRL
Get out of it, short house!

CLOSE-UP on Ringo's secret but happy smile as he walks briskly
down the road.

EXTERIOR TOW PATH CANAL

RINGO kicks at a brick. He kicks stylishly but misses so
tries again, misses again, but finally kicks the stone which
doesn't budge so he bends down and pulls it out of the ground.
It is quite big. Three quarters of it being below the surface.
Having got it he now decides to throw it away. As he does so
the same POLICEMAN rides past on a bicycle.

POLICEMAN
Ain't you got no more bleeding sense
than to go round chucking bricks
about.

Before RINGO has time to answer the man has disappeared.

RINGO
(shouting after him)
Southerner!

He looks at the canal water moodily; at this moment a large
lorry tyre rolls down the incline and bashes him slap in the
back, sprawling him on the path, the tyre on top of him. A
small boy appears after the tyre and stands over the prostrate
RINGO.

BOY
Here, mate, that's my hoop, stop
playing with it.

RINGO
Hoop, this isn't a hoop, it's a lethal
weapon. Have you got a licence for
it?

BOY
Oh don't be so stroppy!

RINGO
(getting up)
Well! A boy of your age bowling "hoop"
at people. How old are you anyway?

BOY
(aggressively)
Nine.

RINGO
Bet you're only eight and a half.

BOY
(countering swiftly)
Eight and two thirds.

RINGO
Well, there you are and watch it
with that hoop.

BOY
Gerron out of it, you're only jealous
'cause you're old.

RINGO
Shurrup!

BOY
I bet you're
(searching for an age)
-- sixteen!

RINGO
Fifteen and two thirds, actually.

BOY
Well --

RINGO
All right, take your hoop and bowl.

He moves off and the BOY follows.

BOY
Oh you can have it, I'm packing it
in -- it depresses me.

RINGO
Y'what?

BOY
You heard, it gets on my wick.

RINGO
Well that's lovely talk, that is.
And another thing, why aren't you at
school?

BOY
I'm a deserter.

RINGO
(smiling in spite of
himself)
Are you now?

BOY
Yeah, I've blown school out.

RINGO
Just you?

BOY
No, Ginger, Eddy Fallon and Ding
Dong.

RINGO
Ding Dong? Oh Ding Dong Bell, eh?

BOY
Yeah, that's right, they was supposed
to come with us but they chickened.

RINGO
Yeah? And they're your mates are
they?

BOY
(sighing)
Yeah.

RINGO
Not much cop without 'em, is it?

BOY
(defensively)
Oh, it's all right.

RINGO
(disbelievingly)
Yeah?

BOY
Yeah.

RINGO
What they like?

BOY is glad to have something to talk about.

BOY
(enthusiastically)
Ginger's mad, he says things all the
time and Eddy's good at punching and
spitting.

RINGO
How about Ding Dong?

BOY
He's a big head and he fancies himself
with it but you know it's all right
'cos he's one of the gang.

RINGO nods his head understandingly and they mooch on
together.

BOY
Why aren't you at work?

RINGO
I'm a deserter, too.

BOY
Oh.

At this moment a child's voice shouts out "Charley" and from
RINGO'S P.O.V. we see three kids. RINGO turns to the BOY and
looks at them enquiringly.

BOY
(to Ringo)
See you.

The BOY runs off to join his mates. As he joins them they
punch and scuffle together. They are obviously a gang. RINGO
is left alone.

INTERIOR CORRIDOR T.V. THEATRE

GEORGE comes round the corner, looking for RINGO, then grins
and walks past a sign saying "Canteen and Production Office
Opposite." He comes to the exit door, crosses to a modern
building across from the theatre.

He enters [the] building.

INTERIOR OFFICE

It is the reception room that leads to an inner office. Behind
a desk sits a smart young woman typing busily as GEORGE
enters. He is surprised when he sees the girl; she looks up
and speaks to him at once.

SECRETARY
Oh, there you are!

GEORGE
Oh, I'm sorry, I must have made a
mistake.

SECRETARY
(tartly)
You haven't, you're just late.
(She rises and crossing
over to him examines
him critically.)
Oh, yes, he's going to be very pleased
with you.

GEORGE
Is he?

SECRETARY
Yes, you're quite a feather in the
cap.
(She crosses to the
desk and picks up
the inter-office
phone.)
Hello, I've got one... oh, I think
so... yes, he can talk... Well... I
think you ought to see him.
(she smiles)
Of course, right away.

She crosses to the inter-office door. On the door is written
SIMON MARSHAL... she opens it.

SECRETARY
Well... come on.

GEORGE
Sorry.

He follows her quickly in.

INTERIOR THE INNER OFFICE

A large room, part production office with models and sets,
drawing board with ground plans, the other part of the room
a mixture of Pop and Queen's magazine decor.

Behind a large desk sits SIMON MARSHAL, a bland but slightly
irritable young man of about thirty-five. He is wearing the
ultimate in the current smart set fashion. He is attended by
a couple of underlings ADRIAN and TONY and behind him on the
wall is a poster of a girl.

Across the poster is printed, "Way Out, your own T.V. Special
with Susan Campey. Director, Simon Marshal."

SECRETARY
(proudly)
Will this do, Simon?

SIMON
(looking at George)
Not bad, dolly, not really bad.
(he motions to George)
Turn around, chicky baby.

GEORGE does so.

SIMON
Oh yes, a definite poss. He'll look
good alongside Susan.
(he indicates the
girl on the poster)
All right, Sunny Jim, this is all
going to be quite painless. Don't
breathe on me, Adrian.

ADRIAN has recognised GEORGE and is trying to stop SIMON.

GEORGE
Look, I'm terribly sorry but I'm
afraid there's been some sort of a
misunderstanding.

SIMON
(sharply)
Oh, you can come off it with us. You
don't have to do the old adenoidal
glottal stop and carry on for our
benefit.

GEORGE
I'm afraid I don't understand.

SIMON
Oh, my God, he's a natural.

SECRETARY
(anxiously)
Well, I did tell them not to send us
any more real ones.

SIMON
They ought to know by now the phonies
are much easier to handle. Still
he's a good type.

He now speaks to GEORGE in the loud voice that the English
reserve for foreigners and village idiots.

SIMON
We want you to give us your opinion
on some clothes for teenagers.

GEORGE
Oh, by all means, I'd be quite
prepared for that eventuality.

SIMON
Well, not your real opinion,
naturally. It'll be written out and
you'll learn it.
(to secretary)
Can he read?

GEORGE
Of course I can.

SIMON
I mean lines, ducky, can you handle
lines?

GEORGE
I'll have a bash.

SIMON
Good. Hart, get him whatever it is
they drink, a cokearama?

GEORGE
Ta.

SIMON
Well, at least he's polite. Tony
Show him the shirts, Adrian.

A collection of shirts are produced and GEORGE looks at them.
While he is doing this SIMON briefs him.

SIMON
Now, you'll like these. You really
"dig" them. They're "fab" and all
the other pimply hyperboles.

GEORGE
I wouldn't be seen dead in them.
They're dead grotty.

SIMON
Grotty?

GEORGE
Yeah, grotesque.

SIMON
(to secretary)
Make a note of that word and give it
to Susan. I think it's rather touching
really. Here's this kid trying to
give me his utterly valueless opinion
when I know for a fact within four
weeks he'll be suffering from a
violent inferiority complex and loss
of status if he isn't wearing one of
these nasty things. Of course they're
grotty, you wretched nit, that's why
they were designed, but that's what
you'll want.

GEORGE
But I won't.

SIMON
You can be replaced you know, chicky
baby.

GEORGE
I don't care.

SIMON
And that pose is out too, Sunny Jim.
The new thing is to care passionately,
and be right wing. Anyway, you won't
meet Susan if you don't cooperate.

GEORGE
And who's this Susan when she's at
home?

SIMON
(playing his ace)
Only Susan Campey, our resident
teenager. You'll have to love her.
She's your symbol.

GEORGE
Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets
everything wrong?

SIMON
I beg your pardon?

GEORGE
Oh, yes, the lads frequently gather
round the T.V. set to watch her for
a giggle. Once we even all sat down
and wrote these letters saying how
gear she was and all that rubbish.

SIMON
She's a trend setter. It's her
profession!

GEORGE
She's a drag. A well-known drag. We
turn the sound down on her and say
rude things.

SIMON
Get him out of here!!

GEORGE
(genuinely surprised)
Have I said something amiss?

SIMON
Get him out of here. He's knocking
the programme's image!!

The underlings hustle GEORGE to the door.

GEORGE
(smiling)
Sorry about the shirts.

He is ejected through the door.

SIMON
Get him out.
(he stops in mid-shout)
You don't think he's a new phenomenon,
do you?

SECRETARY
You mean an early clue to the new
direction?

SIMON
(rummaging in his
desk)
Where's the calendar?
(he finds it)
No, he's just a trouble maker. The
change isn't due for three weeks.
All the same, make a note not to
extend Susan's contract. Let's not
take any unnecessary chances!

EXTERIOR STREET PUB ON THE CORNER

The sign on the pub is Liverpool Arms. RINGO is standing
looking up at it. He decides to go in and does so.

INTERIOR T.V. CONTROL ROOM

The atmosphere is tense. GRANDFATHER is standing miserable
in front of the DIRECTOR, the criminal confronted by the
judge. SHAKE and NORM are flanking him grimly.

GRANDFATHER
I'm sorry lads, I didn't mean it,
honest.

DIRECTOR
If he says that again, I'll strike
him.

SHAKE
(unconvincingly)
They'll be back, they're good lads,
they'll be back.

DIRECTOR
(disgusted)
Yes? Well they've got only ten minutes
to the final run-through.

GRANDFATHER
I meant no harm. I was only trying
to encourage little Ringo to enjoy
himself.

NORM
(grimly, C.U.)
God knows what you've unleashed on
the unsuspecting South. It'll be
wine, women and song all the way
with Ringo once he's got the taste
for it.

INT. PUB PUBLIC BAR

CLOSE-UP on RINGO. He is eating a bone dry sandwich that
curls up at the end. He puts it down with disgust. He has a
lager glass in his hand.

BARMAID
(accusingly)
That was fresh this morning.

We now see the pub is full of enormous cockney workmen downing
pints.

RINGO is very much alone. He moves away from the bar towards
a group that is standing together, they've an average height
of over six-foot.

There is a group at a dart board. Another group is playing
bar skittles and a third group is around a pin-ball table.

Near the bar is a shove-halfpenny board with two players.
There is a caged parrot nearby.

BARMAID
(to Ringo)
That'll be two and nine...

RINGO fumbles some change out of his pocket. A few coppers
fall from his hand on to the shove-halfpenny board just as
the crucial point has been made. The men glare at him.
Embarrassed, he moves away and without looking, places his
glass on the skittles table just as a player swings the
string, which hits Ringo's glass. More embarrassed, RINGO
backs away, unfortunately into the pin-table just as a winning
score is about to be reached. He bumps it very slightly, but
enough to cause it to TILT. He then moves to the dart board.
By this time most of the pub is staring at him. With great
style he takes the darts. The first throw goes into a cheese
sandwich which a man is pointing in demonstration.

The second we see arrive into a pint of bitter and then we
see RINGO shoot the third dart and hear the sound of the
parrot shouting angrily, off. The BARMAID has had enough.

BARMAID
Right... On your way!

RINGO
Y'what?

BARMAID
You heard, on your way, troublemaker!

Now the centre of attention, RINGO backs out of the pub,
followed by every eye in the place, the BARMAID and a few
players following him to the door...

EXTERIOR STREET OUTSIDE PUB

RINGO comes out and crosses road, watched by the POLICEMAN
who is now quite suspicious.

EXTERIOR STREET

PAUL comes down the street looking about him for RINGO. In
the street is an old building, the sort of place that is
highly favoured for TV rehearsals. There is a sign on the
door, "TV Rehearsal Room." As PAUL draws near, a load of
actors and extras, etc. are leaving, they are in costume,
they are the ones who earlier had been going to a word
rehearsal. When PAUL gets near the entrance he decides to go
inside.

INTERIOR HALL

PAUL enters and wanders about. He reaches a door, pushes it
open and looks in. He sees a GIRL clad in period costume.
She is moving around the room and obviously acting. PAUL
watches her for a moment and then decides to go in.

INTERIOR REHEARSAL ROOM

PAUL goes into the room. The GIRL is in mid-flight. She is
very young and lovely and completely engrossed in what she
is doing. The room is absolutely empty except for PAUL and
herself. She is acting in the manner of an eighteenth-century
coquette, or, to be precise, the voice English actresses use
when they think they are being true to the costume period...
her youth however makes it all very charming.

GIRL
If I believed you, sir, I might do
those things and walk those ways
only to find myself on Problem's
Path. But I cannot believe you, and
all those urgings serve only as a
proof that you will lie and lie again
to gain your purpose with me.

She dances lightly away from an imaginary lover and as she
turns she sees PAUL who is as engrossed in the scene as she
was.

GIRL
(surprised)
Oh!

PAUL
(enthusiastically)
Well... go 'head, do the next bit.

GIRL
Go away! You've spoilt it.

PAUL
Oh, sorry I spoke.

He makes no attempt to go. He simply continues to look
steadily at the girl; then he smiles at her. She is undecided
what to do next.

GIRL
Are you supposed to be here?

PAUL
I've got you worried, haven't I?

GIRL
I'm warning you, they'll be back in
a minute.

PAUL
D'you know something, "They" don't
worry me at all. Anyroad, I only
fancy listening to you... that's all
but if it worries you... well...

GIRL
You're from Liverpool, aren't you?

PAUL
(ironically)
How'd you guess?

GIRL
(seriously)
Oh, it's the way you talk.

PAUL
(innocently)
Is it... is it, really?

GIRL
(suspiciously)
Are you pulling my leg?

PAUL
(looking her straight
in the eye)
Something like that.

GIRL
(unsure)
I see.
(airily)
Do you like the play?

PAUL
Yeah... I mean, sure, well, I took
it at school but I only ever heard
boys and masters saying those lines,
like, sounds different on a girl.
(smiles to himself)
Yeah, it's gear on a girl.

GIRL
Gear?

PAUL
Aye, the big hammer, smashing!

GIRL
Thank you.

PAUL
Don't mench... well, why don't you
give us a few more lines, like?

GIRL pouts.

PAUL
You don't half slam the door in
people's faces, do you? I mean, what
about when you're playing the part,
like, hundreds of people'll see you
and ...

GIRL
(cutting in)
I'm not...

PAUL
Oh, you're the understudy, sort of
thing?

GIRL
No.
(aggressively)
I'm a walk-on in a fancy dress scene.
I just felt like doing those lines.

PAUL
Oh, I see. You are an actress though,
aren't you?

GIRL
Yes.

PAUL
Aye, I knew you were.

GIRL
What's that mean?

PAUL
Well, the way you were spouting,
like....
(he imitates her)
"I don't believe you, sir..." and
all that. Yeah, it was gear.

GIRL
(dryly)
The big hammer?

PAUL
(smiling)
Oh aye, a sledge.

GIRL
But the way you did it then sounded
so phony.

PAUL
No... I wouldn't say that... just
like an actress... you know.

He moves and stands about like an actress.

GIRL
But that's not like a real person at
all.

PAUL
Aye well, actresses aren't like real
people, are they?

GIRL
They ought to be.

PAUL
Oh, I don't know, anyroad up, they
never are, are they?

GIRL
(teasingly)
What are you?

PAUL
I'm in a group... well... there are
four of us, we play and sing.

GIRL
I bet you don't sound like real
people.

PAUL
We do, you know. We sound like us
having a ball. It's fab.

GIRL
Is it really fab or are you just
saying that to convince yourself?

PAUL
What of? Look, I wouldn't do it unless
I was. I'm dead lucky 'cos I get
paid for doing something I love doing.

He laughs and with a gesture takes in the whole studio

PAUL
...all this and a jam butty too!!

GIRL
I only enjoy acting for myself. I
hate it when other people are let
in.

PAUL
Why? I mean, which are you, scared
or selfish?

GIRL
Why selfish?

PAUL
Well, you've got to have people to
taste your treacle toffee.

She looks at him in surprise.

PAUL
No, hang on, I've not gone daft. You
see, when I was little me mother let
me make some treacle toffee one time
in our back scullery. When I'd done
she said to me, "Go and give some to
the other kids." So, I said I would
but I thought to meself, "She must
think I'm soft." Anyroad, I was eating
away there but I wanted somebody
else to know how good it was so in
the end I wound up giving it all
away... but I didn't mind, mind,
'cos I'd made the stuff in the first
place. Well... that's why you need
other people... an audience... to
taste your treacle toffee, like.
Eh... does that sound as thickheaded
to you as it does to me?

GIRL
Not really but I'm probably not a
toffee maker. How would you do those
lines of mine?

PAUL
Well, look at it this way, I mean,
when you come right down to it, that
girl, she's a bit of a scrubber,
isn't she?

GIRL
Is she?

PAUL
Of course... Look, if she was a
Liverpool scrubber...
(Paul starts acting a
Liverpool girl, he
minces about then
turns, extending his
leg)
Eh, fella, you want to try pulling
the other one, it's got a full set
of bells hanging off it... Y'what?...
I know your sort, two cokes and a
packet of cheese and onion crisps
and suddenly it's love and we're
stopping in an empty shop doorway.
You're just after me body and y'can't
have it... so there!!

GIRL
(shattered)
And you honestly think that's what
she meant?

PAUL
Oh, definitely, it sticks out a mile,
she's trying to get him to marry her
but he doesn't want... well... I
don't reckon any fella's ever wanted
to get married. But girls are like
that, clever and cunning. You've got
to laugh.

He laughs.

GIRL
Well, it's nice to know you think
we're clever.

PAUL
(grinning)
And cunning.

GIRL
And what do you do about it?

PAUL
Me? Oh, I don't have the time, I'm
always running about with the lads...
no, we don't have the time.

GIRL
Pity.

PAUL
(not noticing the
invitation)
Aye, it is but as long as you get
by, it's all right, you know... bash
on, happy valley's when they let you
stop. Anyroad, I'd better get back.

GIRL
Yes.

PAUL
(going)
See you.

GIRL
Of course.

PAUL stands at the doorway, shrugs then goes out.

EXTERIOR STREET

In the street, workmen are collecting shovels, drinking tea
and doing all the things people do around building sites.
RINGO mooches around.

In the road is a hole with a diameter of about 3 feet, and
at least 6 feet deep. RINGO looks down and a man is busily
working at the bottom of the hole. He glares at RINGO. After
a moment RINGO turns away. We now see a very elegant young
lady coming towards RINGO. She is daintily avoiding a series
of puddles. RINGO has an idea and does a Sir Walter Raleigh
with his large Mac spreading it over one of the puddles. The
girl walks across it smiling graciously. RINGO proceeds with
the coat to the next puddle and to the next backing gradually
towards the hole.

At last he spreads the coat, without noticing what he is
doing, over the hole. The girl steps onto the coat and
disappears sharply. RINGO looks down the hole where the girl
is held in the workman's arms. The workman rises out of the
manhole until he is waist height. At this point an elegantly
dressed gentleman appears (the girl's husband) he looks at
his wife in the workman's arms and hits the workman. RINGO
backs away through the puddles, and is nicked by the
POLICEMAN.

[Scenes 75 and 76 deleted in revision.]

INTERIOR T.V. THEATRE NEAR STAGE DOOR

The DIRECTOR is pacing up and down the corridor. NORM is
also walking up and down, SHAKE is leaning against the wall
quite unconcerned. NORM gives SHAKE a push.

NORM
Worry, will you!

SHAKE adjusts his features to a worrying expression.

DIRECTOR
(bitterly)
Well, that's it, two minutes to the
final run-through... they're bound
to miss it...

NORM
I'll murder that Lennon.

DIRECTOR
But I suppose we can survive a missed
run-through as long...

SHAKE
...as they head up for the show. Oh
yes, well I mean it'ud be a pity to
miss the show, wouldn't it like.

NORM
Shurrup, cheerful.

The horrible prospect hits the DIRECTOR.

DIRECTOR
You don't think...

NORM
(reassuring him)
They'll be here.

DIRECTOR
Oh now, they can't do that to me.
(turning on Norm)
It's all your fault.
(overriding Norm)
Oh yes it is and if they don't turn
up I wouldn't be in your shoes for
all the...

SHAKE
(helping out)
...tea in China. Oh you're right,
neither would I.

He steps away from NORM and stands near the DIRECTOR.

NORM
Traitor!

SHAKE nods his agreement to this assessment of his character.

SHAKE
Of course.

At this moment JOHN, GEORGE and PAUL enter from the stage
door. They are completely unconcerned and walk past the
DIRECTOR, SHAKE and NORM.

JOHN
(as he passes by)
Hi Norm!

NORM
(preoccupied)
Hi, our lot!

The BOYS walk on when after a moment NORM snaps to.

NORM
Our lot!

GEORGE
(mildly)
Did you want something.

NORM
(beaming with delight)
I could eat the lot of you.

JOHN
You'd look gear with an apple in
your gob.

DIRECTOR
(accusingly)
Do you realise you could have missed
the final run-through?

GEORGE
Sorry.

SHAKE
Eh, there's only three of them.

PAUL
Aye, we were looking for Ringo. But
we realised he must have come back.

DIRECTOR
Do you realise we are on the air,
live, in front of an audience, in
forty-five minutes and you're one
short.

JOHN
Control yourself or you'll spurt.
He's bound to be somewhere.

NORM
Aye, let's try the dressing room.

Everyone starts along the passage. NORM and PAUL last.

PAUL
Eh, where's my grandfather?

NORM
Don't worry about him. He can look
after himself.

PAUL
Aye, I suppose so.

They run after the others.

EXTERIOR T.V. THEATRE CLOSE-UP

GRANDFATHER
Here they are, personally signed and
handwritten by your own sweet boys.
The chance of a lifetime. Be the
envy of your less fortunate sisters!

The CAMERA PULLS back and we see GRANDFATHER is surrounded
by girls who have broken from the queue and are doing a brisk
trade with the old man. He has a large sign on which is
written: "Get your genuine autographed Beatles photographs."
On the edge of the crowd two POLICEMEN are trying to force
the girls back into the queue. Finally they wade through the
girls and confront GRANDFATHER. They look at the old man
quizzically; he stares back coldly. They indicate he should
hop it and quick but GRANDFATHER defiantly glares back at
them. So with a sigh, they grab an arm each and escort the
old man off.

INTERIOR POLICE STATION

It is the reception desk and behind it is the DESK SERGEANT.
After a moment RINGO is dragged in by the POLICEMAN we saw
him with before.

RINGO
Look, I'm Ringo Starr... I've got a
show to do in a few minutes you've
got to let me go... I'm Ringo...

POLICEMAN
Sure, they all say that these days...
Anyway... I don't care who you are...
you can save that for the stipendary.
Here you are, Sarge.

SERGEANT
What is he?

POLICEMAN
(reeling off the list)
I've got a little list here. Wandering
abroad. Malicious intent. Acting in
a suspicious manner. Conduct liable
to cause a breach of the peace. You
name it, he's done it.

SERGEANT
Oh, a little savage, is he?

POLICEMAN
A proper Aborigine.

RINGO
(on his dignity)
I demand to see me solicitor.

SERGEANT
What's his name?

RINGO
Oh, well if you're going to get
technical --

At that moment there is a loud series of noises off camera,
furious shouting and dull crashes of wood.

SERGEANT
Hello, it's going to be one of those
nights, is it?
(to policeman)
Sit Charley Peace down over there.

The POLICEMAN takes RINGO to a bench and sits him down as
GRANDFATHER and the two POLICEMEN who were with him enter.
The sign is tattered and is being lugged after them.

GRANDFATHER
Well, you got me here so do your
worst but I'll take one of you with
me.
(kicks the nearest
policeman)
Oh, I know your game, get me in the
tiled room and out come the rubber
hoses but I'll defy you still.

SERGEANT
Is there a fire, then?

GRANDFATHER leans across the desk and hisses at the SERGEANT.

GRANDFATHER
You ugly, great brute you, you have
sadism stamped all over your bloated
British kisser.

SERGEANT
Eh?

GRANDFATHER
I'll go on a hunger strike. I know
your caper.

The kidney punch and the rabbit-clout. The third degree and
the size twelve boot ankle-tap.

SERGEANT
What's he on about?

GRANDFATHER
(squaring up)
I'm soldier of the Republic, you'll
need the mahogany truncheon for this
boyo. A nation once again.

SERGEANT
(to policemen)
Get Lloyd George over there with
that mechanic in the cloth cap while
I sort this lot out.

The POLICEMEN hurtle GRANDFATHER firmly but gently over to
the bench on which RINGO is sitting and then return to the
desk for a whispered conference with the SERGEANT. Meanwhile
in full conspiratorial fashion GRANDFATHER talks to RINGO
out of the side of his mouth.

GRANDFATHER
Ringo, me old scout, they grabbed
yer leg for the iron too, did they?

RINGO
Well I'm not exactly a voluntary
patient.

GRANDFATHER
Shush! Have they roughed you up yet?

RINGO
What?

GRANDFATHER
(whispering)
Keep your voice down, this lot'll
paste you, just for the exercise. Oh
they're a desperate crew of drippings
and they've fists like matured hams
for pounding defenceless lads like
you.

RINGO
(disturbed)
Have they?

GRANDFATHER
That sergeant's a body-blow veteran
if ever I measured one. One of us
has got to escape. I'll get the boys.
Hold on son, I'll be back for you.

RINGO
(horrified)
Me!

GRANDFATHER
And if they get you on the floor
watch out for your brisket.

RINGO
(hopefully)
Oh, they seem all right to me.

GRANDFATHER
That's what they want you to think.
All coppers are villains.

SERGEANT
(calling)
Would you two like a cup of tea?

GRANDFATHER
You see, sly villains.

RINGO
(miserable)
No thanks, Mr. Sergeant, sir.

We now have a CLOSE SHOT of POLICEMEN around the sergeant's
desk.

SERGEANT
So you just brought the old chap out
of the crowd for his own good.

POLICEMAN
Yeah, but he insisted on us bringing
him to the station.

SERGEANT
Well, he can't stop here.

Shot of GRANDFATHER watching POLICEMEN intently and muttering
words as he does.

RINGO
What are you doing?

GRANDFATHER
Lip reading.

RINGO
What are they saying?

GRANDFATHER
Nothing good.

The POLICEMEN make a move towards GRANDFATHER and RINGO.

GRANDFATHER
Well son, it's now or never.

He jumps to his feet and scurries towards the door.

GRANDFATHER
All right, you paid assassins. Johnny
McCartney'll give you a run for your
threepence ha'penny.

He dashes out of the door followed by the POLICEMAN who has
his pile of photos.

SERGEANT
Now, what's he up to?

RINGO
He's allergic to Bobbies, especially
English Bobbies.

The POLICEMAN with the photos returns.

POLICEMAN
(Irish accent)
Your man disappeared like a leveret
over a hill.

RINGO
Turncoat!

The POLICEMEN turn on RINGO and walk towards him.

CLOSE-UP RINGO

RINGO
Mother!

EXTERIOR STREET

GRANDFATHER is running at top speed down the street. He is
breathing heavily and runs as if pursued by the hounds of
hell. The street however is entirely empty and no one is
even in sight. As he reaches the top of the street he pauses
and turning, looks around him. From his P.O.V. we see just
how empty the street is and heaving a sigh of relief
GRANDFATHER cackles to himself. His triumph is short lived.
At this precise moment down the street comes a parade of
police vehicles, a Black Maria, an escorting police motor
bike patrol and an ordinary squad car. The procession draws
up and the street is full of policemen getting out of the
Black Maria and squad car and off motor bikes.

CLOSE-UP GRANDFATHER's horrified face.

GRANDFATHER
Be God, they've called up
reinforcements, the dragnet's out!

He dashes off wildly in the general direction of the theatre.
He has been completely unnoticed by the policemen who are
lining up for a last minute inspection by the inspector in
charge. The inspector is like a commander-in-chief of a spear-
head attack force.

They smartly march off in the direction taken by GRANDFATHER.

INTERIOR T.V. THEATRE CONTROL ROOM

DIRECTOR
(watching the clock)
Only half an hour and you're on!

GEORGE
Can I say something?

The director clutches at any straw.

DIRECTOR
(hopefully)
Yes, anything.

GEORGE
(earnestly)
It's highly unlikely we'll be on...
I mean the law of averages are against
you and it seems that, etc., etc....

But his speech is drowned by the pitiful moans of the
DIRECTOR.

EXTERIOR T.V. THEATRE STAGE DOOR

The four little boys from the canal are being driven away by
the security guard.

GUARD
(going back into
theatre)
I'll have the hides off of you lot.

The kids retreat as GRANDFATHER pants into shot, ignoring
the kids he enters the stage door but in a second he is out
again, grasped firmly by the collar by the security guard.

GUARD
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Go home!

GRANDFATHER
I must see Pauly.

GUARD
Go home then and see him on the telly.

The GUARD re-enters the stage door.

GRANDFATHER looks around him and sees the four kids. He
hustles over and after a whispered conference we hear his
offer.

GRANDFATHER
Can you fix him for me?

BOYS
Yeah.

GRANDFATHER
Sixpence.

BOY
Each?

GRANDFATHER is about to argue.

GRANDFATHER
Oh, all right.

BOY
And in advance.

GRANDFATHER
(disgusted)
Mercenary!

But he hands over the money. The kids rush in the stage door
and after a moment the furious GUARD chases them out and
down the alley.

GRANDFATHER, chuckling, nips in the door.

INTERIOR T.V. CONTROL ROOM ON STAGE

GRANDFATHER is being chased by several studio attendants; he
is dodging behind equipment. He finally gets on a sound boom
trolley and uses it as a weapon to keep his pursuers at bay.

INTERIOR T.V. CONTROL ROOM

The DIRECTOR, BOYS, and NORM and SHAKE see GRANDFATHER on
the monitors.

They dash out of the room and on to the stage.

DIRECTOR
(shouting)
It's all right, leave him alone.

PAUL
Grandad, where's Ringo?

GRANDFATHER
The police have the poor unfortunate
lad in the Bridewell.

BOYS
The police station.

GRANDFATHER
He'll be pulp by now.

JOHN
What are we waiting for?

GEORGE
Come here.

PAUL, JOHN and GEORGE rush off.

CLOSE-UP DIRECTOR

DIRECTOR
We've only got twenty minutes.

EXTERIOR STREET OUTSIDE POLICE STATION

PAUL, JOHN and GEORGE come running down the street in single
file, their knees high in the air, they skid to a halt at
the police station and without pausing they dash inside.
After a moment they reappear -- only this time RINGO is behind
them. They dash off down the street.

They are followed at once by ten POLICEMEN also in single
file. They are also pounding along knees high in the air.
The BOYS and the coppers disappear around the corner. At
once, they reappear from the other direction, then run down
the street still followed by the policemen.

When they reach the police station another group of police
bars their way so they are forced to run up the stairs and
inside.

INTERIOR POLICE STATION

The DESK SERGEANT is standing behind his desk looking very
surprised.

At this moment the boys run in and stand panting in front of
the desk.

Before the SERGEANT can start speaking the pursuing POLICEMEN
arrive.

They, too, are out of breath.

SERGEANT
What is all this?

JOHN
(heaving and panting)
Hold on until we get our breath.

The BOYS and POLICEMEN pant on until JOHN seems to have
recovered.

SERGEANT
All right now?

JOHN
Sure.
(to boys)
Ready?

The BOYS nod and without further ado they turn and run through
the surprised rank of POLICEMEN and out into the street.

EXTERIOR STREET

THE CHASE CARRIES ON.

Shots of BOYS being pursued (still in single file) by police,
including the sergeant with one shot where the BOYS are
chasing the POLICEMEN.

Finally, as they approach the theatre, they are seen by the
girl fans who swarm around the police, over running them.
The boys grin to each other and are about to make off when
from their P.O.V. we see the INSPECTOR and POLICEMEN blocking
it.

JOHN
Ah well, it was worth a try.

INSPECTOR
(calling to Sergeant)
What do you think you're up to?

SERGEANT
Arrest those boys, sir.

INSPECTOR
That's all we need to start a real
riot!
(to Boys)
Come on lads, they're waiting for
you.

INTERIOR THEATRE BACKSTAGE

The Inspector now hustles the BOYS through the crowds and in
through the main entrance of the theatre where SHAKE and
NORM are waiting. NORM looks suspiciously at RINGO who is
still wearing his cap. RINGO whips it off and NORM delightedly
hugs him. The BOYS dash through the stalls entrance and on
stage. The DIRECTOR sees them and bursts into tears with
relief. NORM hustles the lads into the wings to be changed
into their show costumes. All around them last-minute
preparations are going on.

DIRECTOR
Boys, you don't know what this means
to me. If you hadn't come back it
would have been the epilogue or the
news in Welsh for life.

NORM
Aren't you supposed to be in that
box?

The DIRECTOR gives NORM a final glare and dashes off.

PAUL
And another thing, where's that old
mixer?

GRANDFATHER
Here, Pauly.

And sitting on a box sadly chastened sits GRANDFATHER.

PAUL
Well, I got a few things to say to
you, two-faced John McCartney.

JOHN
Aw, leave him alone Paul, he's back,
isn't he? And it's not his fault
he's old.

PAUL
(hotly)
What's old got to do with it?

JOHN
You needn't bother.

PAUL
Y'what?

JOHN
Practising to be thick-headed, you're
there already.

PAUL
Look he's a mixer and a trouble maker!

JOHN
That's right, but he's only asking
us to pay attention to him, aren't
you?

From JOHN's P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER. He looks what he is,
a tired old man.

JOHN
You see.
(to Grandad)
You know your trouble -- you should
have gone West to America. You'd
have wound up a Senior Citizen of
Boston. As it is you took the wrong
turning and what happened, you're a
lonely old man from Liverpool.

GRANDFATHER
(fighting back)
But I'm clean.

The BOYS giggle and slap him on the back.

INTERIOR TV THEATRE AUDITORIUM

We see the audience of girls streaming in and settling down
in their places for the show. There is the usual business of
getting the show ready and we see SHOTS of the girls' faces,
then JOHN, PAUL, RINGO and GEORGE looking at them. At last
on cue from the floor manager the BOYS start their act to
the audience's screams.

During the number we constantly CUT away to the audience
with various SHOTS of the ecstatic girls. In the middle of
these shots we see NORM standing at the side of the audience
his face glowing with satisfaction. We follow his gaze and
from NORM'S P.O.V. we see GRANDFATHER handcuffed to SHAKE,
but in spite of this, the old man is enjoying himself.

The BOYS now perform a medley of numbers, i.e., a little of
all the songs we have heard during the story. This gives the
impression of a full set and we finish after their bows.
While they are doing so they look again in the general
direction of SHAKE and GRANDFATHER and from their P.O.V., we
see SHAKE is beating time to the music but from his wrist
dangles an empty set of handcuffs. GRANDFATHER has gone again.

As the BOYS are reacting to GRANDFATHER's disappearance once
again, the trap door on the stage opens and GRANDFATHER
appears in the centre of the group as they finish their act
and take their final bows.

INTERIOR STUDIO CORRIDOR

NORM is waiting for the boys. With him are two studio
attendants carrying the boys' luggage. As the BOYS excitedly
appear he speaks to them.

NORM
I've got the stuff. Come here.

PAUL
Aren't we...

NORM
No, we're not!

He hurries them along.

NORM
The office was on the phone, they
think it'd be better if we pushed
straight to Wolverhampton.

JOHN
Tonight? We can't make it...

NORM
You've got a midnight matinee.

JOHN
Now, look here, Norm...

NORM
No, you look here, John. I've only
one thing to say to you.

JOHN
What?

NORM
You're a swine. So hurry up... we're
travelling!

NORM turns down a side exit where the door is open to the
field. In it is an eight-passenger helicopter.

EXTERIOR STAGE DOOR T.V. THEATRE

The BOYS and NORM come out of the building and start to run
towards the helicopter.

PAUL
(looking behind him)
Where's my grandfather?

NORM
(arriving at helicopter
door)
Don't start. Look.

The boys look in the passenger bay and there is GRANDFATHER.
He is still handcuffed to SHAKE but clutching his pile of
photos.

GRANDFATHER
(beckoning them in
with his free hand
which holds the photos)
Come on, you're hanging up the parade.

The boys shout "Get rid of those things, etc."

EXTERIOR FIELD

The final shot is of the helicopter rising up (SHOT FROM
BELOW). As it disappears, a shower of photos come from its
window.

We cut to a CLOSE-UP of one signed photo as it hits the ground
and SUPER the closing credits over it.

THE END

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