"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"BEWITCHED: THE PHRASE IS FAMILIAR"

by

Jerry Mayer

Episode #187 10/30/69



CAST AND SET LIST

CAST:
SAMANTHA
DARRIN
ENDORA
TABITHA
LARRY
PROFESSOR PHIPPS
ARTFUL DODGER
H.B. SUMMERS
ELEVATOR BOY
BETTY
ADAM
HEAD WAITER

SETS:
INTERIORS
STEPHENS BEDROOM
KITCHEN
LIVING ROOM
ENTRY HALL
PATIO

MC MANN & TATE
OUTER OFFICE
HALLWAY
DARRIN'S OFFICE

RESTAURANT
PAY PHONE

EXTERIORS
STEPHENS HOUSE

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. STEPHENS KITCHEN - DAY

It is Morning and SAMANTHA, in apron, is sitting at table
with TABITHA. There are eight apples on the table. Samantha
pushes five to Tabitha, keeping three.

SAMANTHA
Now, Tabitha, if you have five
apples... and you get three more
apples...
(gives her three apples)
..how many apples do you have?

TABITHA
Eight apples.

SAMANTHA
Very good!

DARRIN enters and stands by door, unnoticed. He is dressed
for work and carries attaché case and a large ad layout. He
watches silently and proudly.

SAMANTHA
Now think carefully, Tabitha... take
away two of the apples, and how many
are left?

TABITHA
Take away two apples?... that's easy,
Mommy,
(she wiggles her nose
and two apples
disappear)
That leaves six apples.
(she giggles)

DARRIN
Sam, what's going on?

SAMANTHA
(hopefully)
New math?

DARRIN
(unimpressed)
All right, Tabitha, bring back the
apples.

SAMANTHA
That's right, Honey... those Winesaps
cost 39 cents a pound.

TABITHA
Okay.

She does her nose thing and two apples POP IN to Darrin's
hands.

DARRIN
(flat)
Thanks Tabitha.

TABITHA
You want more apples, Daddy?

DARRIN
No. no... that's fine,

Samantha rises.

SAMANTHA
Lessons' over, Tabitha.

Samantha crosses to Darrin.

SAMANTHA
She's really ready for kindergarten.

DARRIN
I think she's ready for the Ed
Sullivan show.

Suddenly ENDORA POPS IN.

ENDORA
(to Samantha)
Good morning, Sweetheart.
(kisses Tabitha)
Tabitha.

TABITHA
Hi, Grandmama.

ENDORA
Good morning, Durwood.

DARRIN
It was, wasn't it?

SAMANTHA
Mother, Darrin and I are having an
important discussion so if you don't
mind...

ENDORA
(interrupting)
Of course! What could be more
important than Tabitha's education?
Fortunately, I've solved your problem.

She makes a grand gesture.

ENDORA
May I present Professor Poindexter
Phipps.

There is a PUFF OF SMOKE and the PROFESSOR POPS IN. He is
dressed tweedily British, gray hair, mustache.

DARRIN
Forget it, Endora! Tabitha is not
going to have a warlock for a teacher.

ENDORA
Why not? She's got a witch for a
mother.

Darrin starts to resist as the Professor crosses to Tabitha.
She stands up.

PHIPPS
So here's my student, Tabitha. There's
a good girl, stand straight.

Phipps throws his shoulders back, then Tabitha does.

ENDORA
Professor, this is my daughter,
Samantha.

PHIPPS
How'd you do?...

He holds his hand out to Darrin.

PHIPPS
...you must be Durwood.

DARRIN
Try Darrin.

Phipps notices the apple in Darrin's hand.

PHIPPS
Oh, an apple for the teacher. Good
form... for a mortal.

He takes the apple, rubs it on his sleeve. Darrin crooks his
finger at Samantha, indicating she follow him into the hall.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

as an angry Darrin and a tentative Samantha enter.

SAMANTHA
Sweetheart, mother's just trying to
help.

DARRIN
Why is it whenever your mother's
trying to help me, I get the feeling
that someone else should be shaving
my head.

SAMANTHA
You will admit it's time Tabitha was
getting a formal education, won't
you?

DARRIN
Sam, don't start getting logical.

SAMANTHA
Why not?

DARRIN
Because around here after logic
usually comes disaster.

SAMANTHA
Sweetheart, who could be more
qualified to teach a young witch
thirsting for knowledge than a
warlock?

DARRIN
I guess it can't hurt to try... but
only if you promise the Professor
will teach Tabitha in a perfectly
normal, perfectly mortal way.

SAMANTHA
I promise... witches' honor.

He reacts. She kisses him quickly.

SAMANTHA
I mean, right. Come on, let's lay
out the ground rules for the
Professor.

As they exit. Samantha, eagerly -- Darrin with fear and
trepidation.

FADE OUT:

END TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - TWO SHOT - ENDORA AND PROFESSOR

ENDORA
I should have warned you, Professor
Phipps, Durwood is a little eccentric.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to include Samantha and Darrin.

PHIPPS
It's no matter. I'll be happy to
comply. Mr. Stephens, let me put it
this way... it's true I am a warlock.
But first I am an educator. I do not
teach witchcraft. I teach the arts...
music,literature, etc.

SAMANTHA
The mortal way.

PHIPPS
As you wish.
(to Tabitha)
I think the patio would be suitable
for the classroom.

He starts to exit. Tabitha does exit with Darrin following.

PHIPPS
(puts his hand up)
As long as we're laying down ground
rules, I've got one of my own. Parents
shall not be present. Especially
male patents.

DARRIN
Fair enough...
(picks up his layouts)
I'm due at the office anyway.

He starts to kiss Samantha as Phipps takes one of the layouts
and looks at it. It's a picture of a smiling cat kicking
over a bowl of milk while munching a tiny cupake. The caption
reads: "Don't cry over spilt milk... feed me Kitty Kakes
instead." Beside the cat is a box of Kitty Kakes and under
the box is a legend "Neat'n nourishing".

PHIPPS
Is this a sample of your work?

DARRIN
(proud)
Why, yes. That's a little campaign I
dreamed up.

PHIPPS
(ridiculing)
Don't cry over spilt milk"... "Neat'n
nourishing".
(woefully)
Your daughter is acquiring a tutor
none too soon.

SAMANTHA
It's not meant to be literature,
Professor. It's one of Darrin's
advertising campaigns.

DARRIN
And I might add, a highly successful
advertising campaign... Endora, normal
people like to identify with a
familiar phrase like "Don't cry over
spilt milk".

ENDORA
Why don't you call those "Phrases"
what they are...? Cliches!

PHIPPS
Mortal, verbal mediocrity.

Darrin starts to react. Samantha puts her hand on his arm.

PHIPPS
If you'll excuse me, I'll get on
with Tabitha's lessons.

He exits with Tabitha.

SAMANTHA
Mother, the art of creating familiar
phrases to catch the eye of the public
an important part of the advertising
business.

DARRIN
Sam, forget it. I'm late for the
office.
(pleasantly)
Goodbye Endora. I'm sorry I haven't
time to stay and chat but if you're
able to drop in tomorrow morning I
certainly hope not.

He gives Samantha a quick kiss and exits. Endora hisses after
him.

ENDORA
(thoughtfully)
Samantha, is it really true that if
Durwood could think up more of those
so-called... "Phrases" he would be
more successful doing whatever it is
he does.

SAMANTHA
Of course. Advertising men get paid
a lot of money to come up with clever
slogans.

ENDORA
(Cheshire smile)
Really.

SAMANTHA
(worried)
Now, mother.

Endora pops out.

CUT TO:

OMIT SCENES 4. 5. 6. 7.

INT. HALLWAY - MCMANN & TATE BUILDING - DAY

This is the same day.

ANGLE

an elevator doors as they open and Darrin starts out.

ELEVATOR BOY
Have a nice day, Mr. Stephens.

Suddenly he and the Elevator Boy FREEZE and Endora POPS IN
and incants.

ENDORA
"Spirits north and spirits south,
Let my spell control your mouth. Let
Durwood find to his dismay, That all
his words are now cliche".

She makes another gesture and POPS OUT as Darrin and the
Elevator Boy UNFREEZE.

DARRIN
Thanks Ted.
(as an afterthought)
But nothing comes easy. And the proof
of the pudding is in the tasting.
The trick is always to walk softly
and carry a big stick.

ELEVATOR BOY
(puzzled)
That's what they say.

DARRIN
(a little confused)
They sure do say that, don't they?

INT. MC MANN & TATE OUTER OFFICE - DAY

Darrin enters. BETTY is typing at her desk which is piled
high with papers.

DARRIN
Good morning, Betty. How's the girl?

BETTY
Busy, Mr. Stephens. Mr. Tate wants
all these reports finished by ten.

DARRIN
When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?

BETTY
It sure does.

DARRIN
But remember one thing, Betty, you
should thank your lucky stars because
idle hands are the devil's plaything
and a rolling stone gathers no moss.

BETTY
(looks at him strangely)
I'll try to remember that Mr.
Stephens.

DARRIN
That's the old spirit.

Darrin walks briskly to his office.

CUT TO:

INT. STEPHENS PATIO - DAY

Professor Phipps is reading to Tabitha from a book which is
largely printed "OLIVER TWIST". There is a blackboard in
evidence.

PHIPPS
And there, in the back streets of
London, Oliver met the Artful Dodger,
the young ringleader of a gang of
boy thieves.

TABITHA
What did Artful look like?

PHIPPS
Well, he was About this tall... and
skinny... with a smudge on his nose...
and he wore a tall silk hat.

TABITHA
Was he handsome?

PHIPPS
I've got it... why don't I show you?

Phipps gestures and the ARTFUL DODGER POPS IN. He is right
out of Dickens, a ragamuffin wearing oversize cutaway coat,
vest, tattered hat, scarf, high shoes. He is about twelve
years old with cockney accent.

PHIPPS
Tabitha I'd like you to meet the
Artful Dodger.

DODGER
(bows deeply)
Charmed, m'dear.

Tabitha giggles.

CUT TO:

OMIT SCENE 11

INT. STEPHENS BEDROOM - DAY

Samantha and Endora are playing with the baby on the bed.

CLOSE ANGLE ON SMILING BABY.

SAMANTHA
He looks just like Darrin, doesn't
he?

ENDORA
Nonsense! Babies always have that
bewildered expression.

SAMANTHA
Mother! I'm going to sneak down and
take a peek at Tabitha's lesson...
coming?

ENDORA
In a moment, I want to play with my
grandson.

Samantha exits, as we:

CUT TO:

EXT. STEPHENS PATIO - DAY

DODGER
So me and Oliver and a nice gentleman
named Fagin went imto business
together... y'see Tabitha, m'dear?

Suddenly the Dodger points o.s. to divert Tabitha and Phipps.

DODGER
Upon my word!... what a beautiful
thrush.

As Tabitha and Phipps look o.s., the Dodger slips a silver
lighter into his coat pocket. At this moment, Samantha arrives
and takes it all in.

SAMANTHA
Professor!... who in the world is
this?

DODGER
(bowing and kissing
Samantha's hand)
The Artful Dodger at your service,
fair lady.

As he kisses Samantha's hand, he slips her ring off.

SAMANTHA
(hand out, palm up)
My ring, please.

DODGER
Ring?... What ring?

SAMANTHA
The one you just removed from my
finger.

DODGER
(opens hand, finds
ring)
Oh... so I did.
(looks at his
fingernail)
It must be this hangnail. It catches
everything.
(hands ring back)

PHIPPS
Isn't he wonderful, Samantha... a
page out of Dickens come to life.

SAMANTHA,
Professor. You promised us there
wouldn't be any witchcraft.

PHIPPS
I promised I wouldn't teach
witchcraft... and I haven't. The
Dodger here is merely a part of my
audio-visual technique.

SAMANTHA
I doubt if Darrin would see it that
way. Why don't we just return to the
pages of literature.

PHIPPS
(majestic)
I'll return my teaching aid from
whence he came when I decide this
lesson is over! Is that clear?

SAMANTHA
(not intimidated)
Now just a moment, Professor. I want
it clearly understood...

PROFESSOR
(very firm)
Is that clear?

SAMANTHA
(intimidated)
Oh, perfectly, Professor.

Samantha turns to the Dodger.

SAMANTHA
(firmly)
In the meantime, Mr. Dodger, would
you mind returning my lighter?

DODGER
Lighter?

SAMANTHA
You know, the one in your pocket...
(she twitches)

Dodger reacts startled, reaches into his pocket and brings
out the lighter, lit. He gingerly puts it down on the table.

DODGER
Ow!... me 'and!

SAMANTHA
(passes her hand into
the flame)
It isn't even warm. I just wanted to
teach you a lesson.

DODGER
(whining to Phipps)
She's worse than the magistrate.
'Ow'd she do that, governor?

CUT TO:

INT. DARRIN'S OFFICE - DAY

Darrin is working at his desk as LARRY enters carrying some
papers.

LARRY
Darrin, these sales figures for Kitty
Kakes are fantastic... thanks to
your slogan.
(he gestures toward
layout)

DARRIN
The public bought it hook, line and
sinker, didn't they?

LARRY
I'll say, you son of a gun and
Multiple Industries couldn't be
happier.

DARRIN
Tickled pink, huh?

LARRY
(rubbing his fingers)
The color is more like green...
(puts arm around Darrin)
Mr. Phrasemaker... and some of that
green will be a bonus for you.

DARRIN
A bonus? That'll be a sight for sore
eyes.

LARRY
(beginning to notice)
Right!... anyway, H.B. Summers,
Multiple's head of marketing, wants
you to create a slogan for their
farm machinery division. How do you
like that?

DARRIN
I don't.

LARRY
You know, the acoustics are lousy in
this room. I could have sworn you
just said...

DARRIN
I already have a campaign worked out
for the farm machinery. What's good
for the goose, doesn't necessarily
mean it'll be good for the gander.

LARRY
Darrin, this gander wants slogans,
and if we don't come up with some
our goose is cooked.

DARRIN
We should put this in the think tank
awhile.

LARRY
(suspiciously)
What's the matter with you? You sound
like an encyclopedia of cliches.

DARRIN
You can't judge a book by its cover,

LARRY
There you go again!

DARRIN
(realizing, eyes
narrowed)
You're right.
(trying to laugh it
off)
Cliches are like popcorn. Once you
get started, you can't stop.
(feeble laugh)

LARRY
Pull yourself together, Darrin.
Multiple Industries makes everything
from safety pins to bull dozers. All
we need is a few good slogans and
we're in.

Larry hands him a piece of paper.

LARRY
Here's a list of all their products...
can you come up with something by
noon?

DARRIN
Larry, I don't like to blow my own
horn.

LARRY
That's perfect!

DARRIN
For what?

LARRY
Their Musical Instruments Division.

Darrin grabs his attache case and starts out,

LARRY
Where are you going?

DARRIN
Uh... home sweet home. You know,
when the cat's away, the mice will
play.

LARRY
Huh?

DARRIN
What I meant was, I left something
at home.
(opening door)
I'd forget my head if it wasn't
fastened on.

LARRY
All right, but be quick about it...
we have a lunch date with Summers at
the Blue Boar at one.

DARRIN
Larry... I'll be there to grab the
bull by the horns, before any more
water passes under the bridge.

He exits. Larry stares after him bewildered.

FLIP TO:

OMIT SCENE 15

INT. STEPHENS ENTRANCE HALL - DAY

Darrin bursts in and slams door behind him.

DARRIN
Sam!!

Samantha is in living room, dusting.

SAMANTHA
Hi, Sweetheart... what's the matter?

DARRIN
What's the matter? I'll try to keep
a civil tongue in my mouth and at
the same time talk turkey... I smell
a rat.

SAMANTHA
Darrin, why are you talking so funny?

DARRIN
Because someone put a spell on me!
And I'll bet dollars to donuts I
know who did it.

SAMANTHA
(calling o.s.)
Mother!

Endora breezes in from kitchen.

ENDORA
Yes, Sweetheart.

SAMANTHA
Did you put a spell on Darrin?

ENDORA
(innocently)
I cannot tell a lie... I did place a
friendly little spell on Durwood.
But I was just trying to be helpful.

DARRIN
A friendly spell. Boy, with friends
like you who needs enemies? There I
go again. Every other word that comes
out of my mouth is a cliche.

ENDORA
But I thought that was the idea, in
your noble profession. The more
cliches, the merrier.

DARRIN
That's the last straw. You tell her
to button her lip!

SAMANTHA
All right, Mother... your so-called
joke is over. Now remove the spell.

Professor Phipps enters, disturbed at the noise.

PHIPPS
Would it be presumptuous of me to
request just a little silence during
school hours?

SAMANTHA
Sorry, Professor, we'll try to be
quieter
(whispering
threateningly)
Mother... if you don't remove that
spell...!!

The Artful Dodger enters.

DODGER
...Oh, I say, a handsome gentleman.
Me hand, sir.
(he shakes Darrin's
hand)

DARRIN
Sam.... who's this?

SAMANTHA
One thing at a time Sweetheart. The
spell, remember?

Samantha directs the Dodger and Phipps toward the patio. As
she goes:

SAMANTHA
Mother!

ENDORA
Very well. I'll take the spell off.
Hmm! Try to do someone a good turn.

Endora gestures and we hear a weird sound as Samantha returns,

SAMANTHA
Okay, Sweetheart... say something.

DARRIN
I'll say something. Who is that
English kid in there?...
(noticing his watch
is missing)
...and where is my watch?!

SAMANTHA
I think your second question answered
your first question... he's the Artful
Dodger from Oliver Twist... one of
the Professor's audio-visual
techniques. Cute huh?

She smiles. He glares. She sours.

DARRIN
That settles it. I said no witchcraft,
and he used witchcraft. The Professor
goes, Sam.

ENDORA
Now, wait a minute, Durwood.

DARRIN
Endora, you've been a busy little
bee... now buzz off!

ENDORA
(incensed)
Really!

Endora SNAPS HER FINGERS and POPS OUT.

SAMANTHA
I hope mother's going to be a good
sport about this.

They both look around with some concern.

EXT. CHIMNEY OF STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY

Endora sits an top of chimney, scheming.

ENDORA
So, I'm a busy little bee, am I? All
right I can sting too! I said I'd
take off the spell, but I didn't say
I'd leave it off... and this time,
I'll add something to make it a lot
more interesting.

FADE OUT:

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY

It is a few moments later and Darrin is putting some papers
in his attache case as Samantha enters carrying his watch.

SAMANTHA
Here's your watch, Sweetheart. The
Dodger has this problem with a
hangnail.

DARRIN
(putting watch on)
I'll bet! Sam if I don't leave now,
I'll be late for my lunch meeting...
but I want it clearly understood
that when I return, the Professor
and that Kleptomaniac will be out of
here.

SAMANTHA
It's as good as done, Sweetheart.

They cross to the door and he kisses her and exits.

EXT. STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY

As Darrin closes front door and starts to walk toward car.

EXT. CHIMNEY OF STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY

Endora, sitting an chimney, angrily looking down at Darrin.

ENDORA
Ah, there goes my little pigeon.
(she makes a gesture)

ANGLE - DARRIN

He FREEZES.

ANGLE ON ENDORA

ENDORA
(incanting)
"The spell, I renew, you boorish
lout. Your cliches will be few, But
you'll act them out!

She smiles and laughs silently.

ANGLE ON DARRIN

as he's RELEASED from the FREEZE, reacts slightly and then
moves off toward the car.

ANGLE ON ENDORA

laughing.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Its lush appearance, despite the cheap construction, is a
tribute to the genius of Bob Purcell. Darrin enters and moves
toward the HEAD WAITER.

DARRIN
Has Mr. Tate arrived?

HEAD WAITER
Yes... he and another gentleman have
been here for a few minutes. I'll
take you to their table.

DARRIN
(looking at his watch)
It's one fifteen already. Time sure
flies.

At this, Darrin's WATCH FLOATS off his wrist and INTO the
air in front of him and the Waiter. He grabs it out of the
air and puts it back on. The Waiter stares unbelieving. Darrin
is puzzled.

HEAD WAITER
How did you do that?

DARRIN
Sorry, It's a family secret. Will
you tell Mr. Tate that Mr. Stephens
called to say he couldn't make it.

Darrin starts to leave.

LARRY'S VOICE
There you are, Darrin.

Larry enters SHOT.

LARRY
Come on, Summers is anxious to meet
you,

He pulls him inside the restaurant.

CUT TO:

ANGLE - LARRY'S TABLE

Larry and Darrin walk up to table. H.B. SUMMERS, a middle-
aged businessman rises as they arrive.

LARRY
H.B. Summers, meet Darrin Stephens,
better known as "The Slogan King".

H.B.
(shaking Darrin's
hand)
My pleasure Stephens... I'm a great
admirer of yours.

DARRIN
Thank you, Mr. Summers.

H.B.
H.B. to my friends. Your my kind of
ad man, Stephens. Your campaigns are
clever... they hit the nail right on
the head.

LARRY
Right, H.B. Darrin has the genius to
get through to the common man.

H.B.
Now, Tate was telling me about your
latest slogan.

He blows an imaginary trumpet, moving fingers.

H.B.
"Blow your own horn". I think it's
a...
(feins punch toward
Darrin)
...knockout.

DARRIN
Thanks H.B.... I wish I could see
eye to eye...

Darrin's eyes CROSS.

Larry reacts as Darrin hits his head with his hand and his
eyes come back to NORMAL.

DARRIN
...with you,

Darrin looks around the room, puzzled.

LARRY
Darrin, are you all right?

DARRIN
Sure, sure, I was just attempting to
point out that slogans can be
overdone. Now I have a campaign worked
out for your farm machinery division.

H.B.
(interrupting)
Forget it!! Now, I have a little
idea myself for our Bulldozer
Division. What do you think of this?
"Make molehills out of mountains."
Get it... it's kind of a twist.

LARRY
Of course we get it, H.B., and it's
a...
(feins punch)
...knockout. Right Darrin?

DARRIN
Truthfully, no. It doesn't really
ring the bell.

At this we hear the loud ringing of bells. Darrin's eyes
widen in realization.

H.B.
Speaking of bells. What was that?

DARRIN
Two bells and all's well. It's an
old custom here. That reminds me,
I've got to call home.

LARRY
Do you have to do it now?

DARRIN
Yes. Just order me a club sandwich,
Larry, I'll be back quicker thin you
ran say Jack Robinson.

LARRY AND H.B.
(together)
Jack Robinson!!

DARRIN
(laughing nervously)
That's very good.

Darrin exits.

H.B.
(to Larry)
Why did we say that?

LARRY
I don't know. Maybe it's catching.

FLIP TO:

INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY

Samantha at phone.

SAMANTHA
I warned you... mother's very
sensitive about being told to "buzz
off".

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Darrin in phone booth.

DARRIN
There aren't as many cliches, now,
but when I do say one... it comes
true.

INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY

SAMANTHA
Now calm down, Sweetheart. I'll find
mother.

Samantha listens as we hear:

DARRIN'S VOICE
(filtered)
You're right, Sam. I've got to get a
grip on myself.

We hear the sound of the receiver falling on the other end
of the line, Samantha reacts with concern,

SAMANTHA
Darrin, are you all right?

CUT TO:

INT. PAY PHONE - DAY

CLOSE SHOT - of receiver dangling as we hear:

SAMANTHA'S VOICE
(filtered)
Darrin?... Darrin?

We WIDEN SHOT and PAN UP to SEE Darrin struggling with the
"grip he has on himself". His hands are clutching, his upper
arms. He struggles for a moment, pulls one hand free, and
with that one, frees the other hand and picks up the receiver.

DARRIN
Hello.

SAMANTHA
What happened?

DARRIN
I'll tell you later. Just track down
your Mother, fast.

Larry arrives on SCENE.

DARRIN
(seeing Larry)
'Bye, Sam.
(hangs up phone)

LARRY
Darrin! You can't insult a man's
brainchild and then walk away. What's
bothering you?

DARRIN
I couldn't begin to tell you.

LARRY
Well, get a grip an yourself.

DARRIN
I already tried that.

They exit.

INT. LARRY'S TABLE - DAY

As Larry and Darrin enter SCENE and sit down.

DARRIN
Sorry for the interruption... now
back to the problem of slogans... I
devote a lot of my time keeping in
touch with the public. You might
say, keeping my ear to the ground.

At this moment we hear a weird, whining sound and Darrin's
HEAD is DRAWN to the floor until his EAR touches the GROUND.
He tries to get up, but he can't.

LARRY
(to H.B.)
Another one of those clever
demonstrations, H.B.
(sotto to Darrin)
Would you like to get up now, Darrin?

Darrin is straining to get up and after a beat we hear a
loud hollow popping sound and Darrin's EAR is RELEASED from
the floor. He laughs.

DARRIN
Gentlemen, I don't think I feel
well... I'd better go home.

H.B.
Was it something I said?

DARRIN
Not at all, H.B. but I'd better shake
a leg.

Darrin EXTENDS one LEG and SHAKES it violently. Larry and
H.B. stare at him peculiarly. Darrin RECOVERS.

DARRIN
So if you don't mind, I'll just bow
out.

We hear a BOING and Darrin DOUBLES OVER AND BACKS OUT of the
room BOWING.

H.B.
How come all the creative ones have
a screw loose upstairs?

LARRY
H.B., as of this moment, Stephens is
off your account.

H.B.
Why? Stephens may be a ding-a-ling
but he's got the magic touch.

LARRY
Exactly and that's why he'll be with
you as long as you want him.

H.B. gives him a peculiar look as we...

FLIP TO:

INT. STEPHENS ENTRY HALL - DAY

Darrin bursts into the door.

DARRIN
(calling)
Sam!... Sam, where are you?

SAMANTHA'S VOICE
I'm in the nursery... be right down.

DARRIN
Did you reach your Mother? I don't
know whether I'm coming or going.

At this Darrin quickly WALKS FORWARD a few steps, puts down
his case, then, by REVERSING FILM picks up case and quickly
WALKS BACKWARDS out of door. (UNDERCRANK). At this point
Samantha walks downstairs holding empty feeding bottle, finds
no Darrin.

SAMANTHA
Darrin?

Darrin enters through door again.

SAMANTHA
I thought I heard you come in.

DARRIN
You did. But your Mother's spell is
at work.

We hear a car stop. Samantha and Darrin peek out window.

SAMANTHA
It's Larry.

Darrin indicates for Samantha to be quiet.

DARRIN
(whispering)
We're not home.

OMIT SCENE 34

EXT. STEPHENS FRONT DOOR - DAY

Larry and H.B., in hats and overcoats, are impatiently ringing
door bell.

LARRY
You wanted the slogan king you'll
get the slogan king if I have to
bring him in in a net.
(calling and trying
door knob)
Darrin!...
(nothing -- calls
again)
Darrin!!

He turns embarrassed to H.B. then walks to living room window
which is partially open and opens it all the way,

H.B.
Tate, what are you doing?

LARRY
(embarrassed)
Darrin and I have an understanding.
If he doesn't answer the doorbell
I'm supposed to crawl in the window.

H.B. stares at him oddly.

INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY

As Larry climbs through the window.

LARRY
There you are, Darrin.
(turns to open window)
Come on in, H.B.

A rather befuddled H.B. climbs through the window.

DARRIN
Oh, hi Larry. I was just going to
open the door.

LARRY
(a might miffed)
Yeah, quicker than I could say Jack
Robinson... Sam, thank goodness you're
here, Maybe you can talk some sense
into your husband.

DARRIN
Sorry, Larry. I won't have anything
to do with a campaign based on
slogans!

LARRY
Darrin, I don't know what you have
against slogans. Some of them contain
a lot of wisdom... Remember the one
that goes "A fool and his job are
soon parted"?

H.B.
Come on Stephens... we're grown men.
Why don't we reach a compromise.

DARRIN
All right, H.B... if you'll play
ball with me, I'll play ball with
you.

At this, first H.B., then DARRIN POP INTO METS BASEBALL
UNIFORMS. The POPPING takes place on "me", and "you". Darrin,
Larry and H.B. stare unbelieving. At this moment, Samantha
steps in and TWITCHES. THE THREE MEN FREEZE.

SAMANTHA
(angrily)
Mother! Come here this instant!

Samantha stands waiting, frustrated.

FADE OUT:

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY

It is a few moments later. Samantha stands waiting angrily
for Endora. The THREE MEN ARE STILL FROZEN in the b.g.
Samantha is shaking her fist skyward.

SAMANTHA
Mother!... Mother!! You'd better
materialize, and fast!

Endora POPS IN.

ENDORA
That isn't a very affectionate way
to summon one's mother.

SAMANTHA
After what you've done to Darrin,
what do you expect, "The Witches
Love Call"?

ENDORA
(looking at the men)
Well... to coin a mortal phrase, it
looks like they bored each other
stiff.

SAMANTHA
Very amusing, Mother... but just
undo your thing.

ENDORA
If you insist.

She waves her hand and Darrin and H.B. change back to NORMAL
CLOTHES. They remain FROZEN.

ENDORA
Now, I'm off to Oxford. I've entered
a new class that should help me
understand Durwood a little better.

SAMANTHA
Marvelous, Mother.

ENDORA
Yes, it's a course in Anthropoid
Behavior... Ta, Ta.

Before Samantha can retort Endora waves her hand and POPS
OUT. Samantha twitches and Darrin UNFREEZES. He reacts to
the two men FROZEN.

DARRIN
Sam, what happened?

SAMANTHA
Never mind what happened. Let's worry
about what's going to happen.

DARRIN
(realizes)
Yeah. How am I going to explain those
baseball uniforms.

SAMANTHA
(snapping her fingers)
You don't have to. Take off their
top-coats while I make a couple of
drinks.

DARRIN
Sam, would you mind telling me what...

SAMANTHA
We've got a lot to do, I'll tell you
as we go.

Samantha heads for the bar. Darrin starts to take Larry's
top-coat off. Larry's arms are extended a little and he's
having difficulty getting the coat off.

DARRIN
Are you sure he won't break?

SAMANTHA
(as he's making the
drinks)
Of course not. Just put the hats on
the TV and the coats over the
banister.

DARRIN
(looks at her making
drinks as he gets
the coats off)
Samantha, couldn't you Just ZAP up a
couple of drinks?

SAMANTHA
Certainly not! I promised no
witchcraft.

Darrin shakes his head in bewilderment, puts the coats over
the banister and the hats on the TV. Samantha puts the drinks
on the coffee table and helps Darrin escort the trance-like
figures over to the couch and sits them down. During this:

SAMANTHA
We'll just get them comfortable on
the couch and I'll bring them to,
and we'll just be chatting as if
everything were normal.

They have them on the couch now. Samantha crosses Larry's
legs as Darrin puts a drink in each one of their hands. During
this:

DARRIN
What are we chatting about?

SAMANTHA
About how nice it was that they
dropped in and...

DARRIN
(getting ahead)
...and how pleased I am that H.B.
finally agreed to go for my campaign
instead of the slogans.

Samantha sits an the sofa with the two men and Darrin sits
in the chair in front of the fireplace. They're all settled
and Samantha ZAPS them into consciousness. They react a little
bewildered at their surroundings. Samantha is giggling.

SAMANTHA
Oh Mr. Summers, you have a delightful
sense of humor.

Larry looks over at Darrin wondering what happened. R.B.
looks toward Larry wondering what happened as he tries to
acknowledge Samantha with a smile at the same time. They
both react to the drinks in their hands.

DARRIN
So you really feel, H.B., that my
idea is a...
(gestures)
...knockout.

H.B. and Larry both sniff their drinks and look at each other.

H.B.
I don't understand... the last I
remember I was standing over there
in a baseball suit...

SAMANTHA
(surprised)
Baseball suit? Mr. Summers, you are
joking.

LARRY
(to Darrin)
Listen, didn't we climb in through
the window... and then...

DARRIN
Climb through the window... come on
Larry. Are you trying to gaslight
me?

Larry laughs hollowly.

LARRY
Just another little joke.

He takes a sip of his drink. H.B. does the same.

DARRIN
But back to our discussion about my
idea for your farm machinery.

SAMANTHA
Personally, I love Darrin's idea.

Larry and H.B. both turn to look at Samantha in unison.

SAMANTHA
(brightly)
I don't count, of course. It's that
you like it so much, Mr. Summers,
that matters.

DARRIN
Well Larry, how about you. You're
the only one we haven't heard from.

H.B. and Larry turn in unison to Darrin. Larry has a very
peculiar look on his face, half-smiling.

LARRY
Well, if H.B. likes it I... I like
it, too. I mean...
(turns to H.B.)
...you do like it, don't you?

H.B.
(vacant enthusiasm)
It's a... knockout... isn't it?

LARRY
(a basket case)
Certainly.

R.B
(shakes his head
slightly and rises)
I'm sorry. I suddenly have a severe
headache. I think I'll go back to my
office and take a nap.

Samantha and Darrin and Larry rise. As they cross to the
hall.

DARRIN
Larry, why don't you stay here and
you and I can go over the idea in a
little more detail so that...

LARRY
(interrupting)
Never mind, Darrin... just write it
out and have it on my desk first
thing in the morning, then we'll
discuss it.

R.B.
Come on, Tate.
(nods to Samantha)
Mrs. Stephens, thanks for your
hospitality.

He finishes his drink. They start to get into their coats.

DARRIN
Larry you didn't see any baseball
uniforms, did you?

LARRY
(quickly)
No, not me.

Larry finishes his drink.

R.B.
Well I for the record... I didn't
actually see any baseball uniforms
either... in case it ever comes up.

Phipps and Dodger enter with Tabitha.

PHIPPS
Lessons are over. We'll be leaving
for the day.

SAMANTHA
Oh, Larry... Mr. Summers, this is
Professor Phipps and Master Dodger
...Tabitha's tutors.

DODGER
Yes, y'see, we're the tutors and
Tabitha 'ere is the tutee.

SAMANTHA
He's a cute little dickens, isn't
he?

PHIPPS
(preparing to gesture
for a POP OUT)
Well, good day.

DARRIN
(quickly)
Professor! Don't you want to leave
by the front door.

PHIPPS
If you're going to get huffy...

Phipps exits and as Dodger follows, he swings past Larry and
H.B. and shakes hands.

DODGER
It's a pleasure to meet you fine
gentlemen. Take care now.

They exit. As they go, they AD LIB good-byes. With Larry and
H.B. gone, Samantha and Darrin look at each other and Let
out a loud sigh of relief. Suddenly the door opens again.
it's H.B.

H.B.
(holding cuffs out)
I seem to have lost my cuff links.
Call me if you find them.

DARRIN
(realizing where
they've gone)
Uh... sure, H.B.

H.B. exits.

DARRIN
Sam it looks like H.B.'s cuff links
have found a place in literature.

SAMANTHA
Well, that'll be a new "Twist".

Darrin smiles dourly.

SAMANTHA
Sorry, Sweetheart.

They both laugh and kiss as we...

FADE OUT:

THE END

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