AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME
MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting
In his last adventure, Austin Powers,
a swinging spy from the Sixties, was
unfrozen in the Nineties to battle
his archenemy Dr. Evil. Austin foiled
Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear
warhead to the center of the earth
and banished him into space forever.
Or so he thought.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE)
SUPER: THE FRENCH RIVIERA
INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY
Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon
Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle.
INT. HOTEL SUITE
FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She
plays with his chest hair.
I love you, Mr. Powers.
And I love you, Mrs. Powers.
SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We
see Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING
FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss.
Let's go out on the terrace. It's a
beautiful night, we can look at the
EXT. HOTEL BALCONY
EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars.
Look how beautiful the night sky is.
Isn't that the big dipper?
Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.
Well, you know.
Hey, I've never seen that big star
Yeah, what is that?
Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look.
AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT
EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket.
INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE
This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I
have one more trick up my sleeve,
don't I Mr. Bigglesworth?
The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS.
The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's
rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out.
Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth
INT. HOTEL ROOM
Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door.
Oh well, I guess it was nothing.
A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which
obscure her face.
Care for some champagne?
Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy!
Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned.
Hello? Vanessa? What are you doing,
Just putting on my--
As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF
HER FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where
her mouth should be.
Vanessa, you're a Fembot!
They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out
of Vanessa's breasts.
Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss
PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY
Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO.
Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK.
Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She
rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail.
Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCT switch and hits it.
She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES.
Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed,
saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging
out of it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring.
MUSIC: VERY SAD PIANO
I can't believe Vanessa, my bride,
my one true love, the woman who taught
me the beauty of sharing your whole
life with another, the person who
taught me the meaning of love, was a
Fembot. How will I ever go on?
Wait a tic! That means I'm single!
INT. LOBBY - HOTEL
Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly,
Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his
bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase.
Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and
MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES PAN UP Austin's NAKED
body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as the camera reaches
that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE
MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we
EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA
European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind.
His bottom half is blocked by a bicycle. The bicycle moves
away. Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed-
A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around
to the camera and puts his hand to his mouth in an 'oh my!'
take and we FREEZE FRAME.
A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a
credit. Austin just laughs...crazy, man!
Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns,
followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND.
A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude
Beach". Austin enters from the left.
We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he
is about to appear from behind the sign, a...
CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis
lengthwise as he walks.
NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE
A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her
bare chest. Austin lays on his back beside her, trying to be
suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears.
The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl.
The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks her chest; the credit
"BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks into frame; the
"PRODUCTION DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest.
Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS
appear everywhere to block all possible combinations of
nudity. People leap in all directions to make saves, causing
CREDITS TO APPEAR at crazy angles.
A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are
blocked by the "WRITTEN BY" credit.
Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out
from his waist. Austin looks proud.
A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier
weight. A much longer credit sticks out from his waist: "AND
MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts.
Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit
"DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline and does the splits
FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING"
AD. Austin smiles crazily, his penis blocked by "JAY ROACH."
Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR.
Shaguar, baby, yeah!
CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar"
where it would normally read "Jaguar".
The car speeds off.
FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son,
a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and SCOTT EVIL all seated on
Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE
OVER THE WORLD" JERRY SPRINGER
If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil
and wants to take over the world". Now, Bobby, you had
something you wanted to share with your father before the
Dad, I know you're against race mixing
and all that, but I met someone...
Don't say it!
The crowd WHOOPS.
I met someone... and he's black.
The crowd goes crazy.
The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands.
Please welcome Tim.
A handsome Blair Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the
Klansman's son. The crowd screams.
JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL.
Now Scott, tell us about your father.
Share with us.
Well he's the head of an evil
organization that has aspirations
for world domination.
And where is your father right now?
He's in outer space, like frozen in
a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big
Boy rocket with his cat, Mr.
Really? Well, we have a surprise for
you, Scott. Let's bring out
father, Dr Evil.
Dr Evil enters.
Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"
Hello Scott, I'm back.
I can't believe you'd do this to me
on national television!
They offered me a free makeover.
Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the
fathers here today open up to their
sons, sons to the fathers. Is there
anything you'd like to share?
Yes, don't you have any secrets?
OK. I have a vestigial tail.
Everyone is a little grossed out.
It's more of a nub, really. The spine
just goes on a little longer than it
should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean,
perform fellatio once and you're a
poet, twice and you're a homosexual.
I remember once I was being fisted
by Sebastian Cabot- but here's where
the story gets interesting. He was
lactose-intolerant. He could eat red
meat all night long, but one sip of
milk and it was gastric hell. And I
remember we were caught in fragrance
delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you
can imagine my humiliation at having
Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no
teeth." One of my greatest
disappointments is that I never became
a song and dance man. I could have
been a quadruple threat, kind of
like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer,
singer, actor, and I would possess
nuclear weapons, the latter being
the most threatening of the four. I
once sat on a bus and tried to will
myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended
up with was a sense of failure and a
mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth
and perhaps a grudging respect for
the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage.
For the most part I distrust dogs. I
slept in a horse once. It was quite
roomy. On second thought, it was the
Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss'
and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I
wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the
Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I
also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy
of The Fonze while I was in coma
after smoking some Peruvian prayer
hash, but who at the end of the day
can honestly say they haven't done
The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once
What are you, some kind of freak?
Shut up, jagoff!
Studio audience whoops at this.
I'll kick your ass punk!
Crowd goes crazy.
No one talks to my boy that way!
Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him.
Security men, with headsets on, rush in to separate them.
I'm OK, I'm OK.
There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking
Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new
EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY
We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the
top of the building and we see a giant STARBUCKS LOGO and
the words: Starbucks World Headquarters.
INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM
The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks
paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full of beans,
and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is
Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and
lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott and a couple of NEW
HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot
Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman
of your organization, I seized upon
the opportunity to invest in a small
Seattle-based coffee company several
years ago. Today, Starbucks is a far-
flung empire with 2000 outlets
Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a
good cuppa joe.
If I may continue, I believe if we
shift our resources away from world
domination and focus on providing
premium quality coffee drinks, we
can increase our gross profits
Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY
MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip.
Right. Perhaps you've confused me
with someone who gives a shit. Might
I remind you that I run the show
here? I demand a little respect.
(indicating Dr. Evil's
Dr. Evil, I think you--
Silence! I will not tolerate your
insolence! Remember what happened
FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE)
Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit.
INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS
Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow.
May I add, I appreciate you
reinstating me after our little...
Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is einen?
We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before.
Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.
How are things?
I have come to embrace the love that
dare not speak it's name. To my right
is my lover.
We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous
Her name is Unibrau. I met her on
the LPGA Tour.
Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.
Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy
milk mustache even larger.
Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.'
(wiping it off,
Oh, I know. I know.
Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce the
Greek assassin, Oedipus.
We see a swarthy Greek army guy.
Welcome to my private army, Oedipus.
I could give a shit.
Kiss your mother with that mouth?
Of course you do.
Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his
control panel, but Number Two interrupts.
Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at
which you liquidate henchmen far
exceeds our ability to replace them.
I have so few pleasures left to me,
Number Two. The key to life is to
rotate your vices. One day it's
executions, another day it's creamy
French cheese. It's like frickin'
Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the
answer. While you were frozen, we
began a program to clone you.
We had a few glitches, but I think
you'll be pleased with the results.
Send in the clone!
MUSIC: dramatic sting We see the shadow of an approaching
figure. The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and
He is identical to you in every way,
except he is one-eighth your size.
We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL,
just like the creepy mini-Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr.
Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding
his tiny pinky to his tiny mouth.
Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini-
Mini-Me, you will sit to my right.
Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command
Come Mr. Bigglesworth!
The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's
lap. A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps into Mini-Me's
Mini-me, something to eat?
Tired. Gentleman, I have a plan. As
you know, the most powerful man in
the world is the President of the
United States. But he is just that-
a man, subject to temptations of the
flesh like any other man. Here's
what we do: we make it seem that the
President has had "extra-marital
oral relations" with- and this is
DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL.
With a White House intern!
Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me.
(clearing his throat)
What, that already happened?
Number Two nods.
This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well,
how about a frickin' time machine?
Does the president have a time
machine? Have I been scooped on that?
No, not that I'm aware of.
Alright, time machine it is. As you
know, every diabolical scheme I've
hatched has been thwarted by Austin
Powers. And why is that, ladies and
Because you never kill him when you
get the chance and you're a dope?
Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott
Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel.
Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott
and GIVES HIM THE FINGER.
No, because Austin Powers has "mojo".
Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force,
the essence, the libido, the "right
It's what the French call a certain
'I don't know what.'
If you've got a time machine, why
don't you just go back and kill Austin
Powers when he's a baby or something?
No, no, no.
Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to
use your knowledge of the future to
play the stock market? We could
literally make trillions.
(smug laugh to himself)
Why make trillions when we could
Why think small is all I'm saying.
A trillion is more than a billion,
Zip it. Unveil the time portal!
A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the
time portal. As you know, Austin
Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore,
I time travel to 1969, two years
after he was frozen. Security will
be lax and I'll strike when he is
First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination
of the world.
Can I come?
No, Scott, Daddy has a score to
settle. Austin Powers is the snake
to my mongoose, or the mongoose to
my snake. Either way it's bad, I
don't know animals. But I do know
this: This time it's personal. Frau,
Number 2, I'll see you both in 1969.
Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him
perfectly. They enter the portal.
There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in
INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR -
Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal
into a NEW LAIR. It is a large hollowed-out volcano room
dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces. A
younger Frau sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in
Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number
Two, you look very youthful and
(turning to Frau)
And Frau you look...right.
As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise
from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but Dr. Evil gets
caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He is
frightened. One of the rising chairs hits him in the crotch.
OK, people, we now officially have a
chair problem. If another one of
these chairs hits me in the nuts,
I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want
you to meet Number Two.
Mini-me says nothing.
Mini-me still says nothing.
Shy. Low blood sugar.
Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I
have an operative inside the Ministry
of Defense. By this time tomorrow,
Austin Powers' mojo will be mine.
Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window.
EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND -
We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of
a Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr. Evil carved into the
side of a volcano on a tropical island.
DR. EVIL (V.O.)
INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM -
We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it,
we see two digital clocks. One reads:
CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN:
NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY
FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers).
We've had reports that there's a spy
in the Ministry of Defense. The
contents of this room are vital to
the country. Be on special alert.
(thick Scottish accent)
Those bastards will have to kill me
before I let anything happen to this
wee naked hairy popsicle, sir!
Very good. And try and lose some
weight for God's sake!
They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits.
(sotto after the
I outta smash your teeth out with a
Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel
The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor
comes out of them, filling the room.
The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious.
He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech
syringe type device with an LED graph on the side. He places
it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from red to green,
indicating FULL MOJO.
EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY
Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS
COFFEE and listening to the Jag's in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly
Austin DROOPS. The car starts to sputter. The fuel gauge
Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's
funny, I just filled the Shaguar up
Austin hits a button on the dashboard.
BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash.
(on picture phone)
Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of
You always are, Basil. Listen, the
weirdest thing just happened, I've
run out of petrol.
We'll send a man around immediately.
How was your honeymoon?
Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She
was a Fembot!
Ah women, who can understand them?
Moving on, let's discuss your new
New case? Very shagadelic, Basil!
You'll be doing a photo shoot. We
know that one of the models is an ex-
KGB agent selling top secret material
to the highest bidder.
That sounds easy enough, you know
what they say: all work and no
shagging makes Austin a dull boy,
INT. SKI LODGE
Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in
classic Heffner- bear skin rugs, leather chairs, roaring
Tres chic, baby.
REG, the photo assistant, enters.
Austin, the models are ready.
Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks.
Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies?
Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making
The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS,
say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and also one MODEL we
It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin
Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.'
One at a time, girls. One. At. A.
Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.
Of course you haven't had "The
Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah!
How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca.
(indicating the photo
Your equipment is quite impressive.
Thank you. Your breasts are amazing.
Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular.
And what's your name, baby?
(thick Russian accent)
Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
And I vanna toilet made of solid
gold but it's just not in the cards,
now is it?
Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the
Now, which one is the Russian spy?
Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin...
or Ivana Humpalot? Think, man, think!
Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a
photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc.
Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and
pout for me baby! Smashing!
Cindy gets on all fours.
Great, darling. Give me some shoulder.
Yes, yes, yes.
FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out.
Show me love. Smashing! You're an
animal. You're a tiger. Be a tiger,
baby! You're great! You're Grrrrrr-
eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes,
baby, be frosted. Now be a lemur,
baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur.
Rebecca looks confused.
A small mammal native to the African
savannah. C'mon baby, you know. Like
OK, predator coming! Now, burrow,
burrow! You're a lemur. It's all
I take it back. Be a tiger again.
FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic.
And... done! I'm spent!
Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it.
Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana.
I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot
and I are going to have a 'private
Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana
are left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and the lights dim. He
CLAPS again and the fire goes up.
MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH
When did you get "The Clapper"?
November, 1964, Dutch East Indies,
Are you cold, Mr. Powers?
I once had a bad experience with
frostbite. I had to dip my tadger
into a brandy snifter.
Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby.
Do you know how we keep warm in
I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
I guessed wrong.
It takes a keen intelligence to play
chess. Of course, you know what they
say about men with big brains, don't
They wear large hats?
No, they make better lovers.
Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in
The Thomas Crowne Affair).
I assume you know how to play.
She runs the bishop across her lips sexily.
Of course. The... horsey... moves
in an L shape.
Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece.
Let's stop playing games with each
other... especially difficult ones.
May I ask you a question, Miss
Do I make you horny? Do I?
Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug.
I'll tell you anything you want to
know, just make love to me.
She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair.
You are hairy, like an animal!
(growling and barking)
Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug.
Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf!
(covers the bear's
Wait a tick, I don't want him watching
me while I'm on the job!
Make love to me, monkey man.
We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted
wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops.
So does the music.
What's the matter?
MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE
A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag
is lowered to half mast. A giant redwood falls in a forest.
A hot air balloon deflates and falls. An actual scientific
diagram of a penis in the refractory period.
Crikey, I've lost my mojo.
EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE)
An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING.
EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
SUPER: "MINISTRY OF DEFENSE"
INT. MOD - HALLWAY
Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS.
Where is he? In here?
INT. MOD - LAB
Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin
lies in bed hooked up to lots of monitoring equipment.
Austin, I came as soon as I heard.
There must be some kind of mistake,
Basil. Maybe I was drunk and I didn't
Austin holds his neck very stiffly.
What's wrong with your neck, Austin?
(turning stiffly to
I took a Viagra and it got caught in
my throat. I've had a stiff neck for
hours. Basil, is it true? Have I
lost my mojo?
We're going to run a few tests,
Austin. Don't worry, old friend,
we'll get to the bottom of this.
INT. MRI MACHINE
Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI
machines: the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo meter reads VERY LOW.
INT. MOD LAB
MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks
transform the room into a love lair: A pair of Latex-gloved
hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable.
Examination lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is
brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH EDUCATIONAL FILM."
Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed
reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY STRIPE NURSE enters, very
pretty, in a tight outfit.
Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to
give you a sponge bath before we
begin the test.
(not paying attention
Alright, miss, just let me finish
this article on the Suez crisis.
An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters.
What's going on?
Alright, everyone, we're done.
But the test hasn't even started!
Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin.
Not only were you actually reading
an article in that Playboy, but a
candy-stripe nurse offering to give
you a sponge bath didn't so much as
turn your head.
Wait, I can explain, man! I was going
to shag her but the article was so
I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's
true: you've lost your mojo.
Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY.
Without my mojo, I'm useless to the
Ministry and to Her Majesty. I think
it's time to retire.
I'm afraid that's not possible,
Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has
INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM
Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the
largest room you've ever seen in your life.
We have evidence that Dr. Evil has
developed a time machine.
Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous
villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and Donald Trump.
Our researcher noticed that these
photos from the archives have changed.
That means Dr. Evil is traveling
back in time and creating alliances
with each decade's most despised
Austin tries to read them and gets queasy.
I can't read in the car. I get a bit
Austin burps and swallows it.
Got it. I almost gipped.
BASIL EXPOSITION (V.O.)
Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is
in the year 1969. Luckily, we also
have a time travel device. After
years of research we've developed a
machine that will transport you back
to the Sixties.
A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new
VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up psychedelic by
But Basil, isn't that the new
That's what they'd like you to
So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969
and I was frozen in 1967, I could go
look at my frozen self. But, if I'm
still frozen in 1967, how could I
have been unthawed in the 90's and
traveled back to the Sixties?
Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
I suggest you don't worry about those
things and just enjoy yourself.
Austin gets into the car and turns it on.
This is smashing Basil. I'll go back
to the Sixties, recharge my mojo,
defeat Dr. Evil and be back in time
Good luck, Austin.
Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil.
Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and
smashes some equipment.
Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby,
The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS,
leaving flaming tread marks.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - LONDON -
The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches
to a stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a hukka watches. He throws
the hukka down. Austin hops out.
I feel better already, man!
Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being
TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd gathers around the car.
EXT. PARK - LONDON
Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see
that Austin is being watched through binoculars by a big
PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN
watching both of them. From this distance we can't tell who
A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of
all descriptions dance to the music of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND.
The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA."
Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig!
Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of
the scene. The lead singer of the band invites him on stage
and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song:
Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number
begins involving the outdoor crowd a la Bob Fosse's Sweet
Charity or Hair.
'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION, YOU
CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR. PEOPLE
SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS AND THEY
JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE.
Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically.
HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES... YOU MAKES
US BORED! THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER
THAN THE SWORD
Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM
SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT.
THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION AND YOU
AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET PEOPLE SHAGGING
IN THE CLUBS AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET
Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT.
HEY SQUARE WORLD THE END IS NIGH.
WHEN WE SAY HUMP YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?'
Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines
for the big finale. The assassin and the mysterious woman
are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin. All we
see of the woman are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE
SO GO MAKE LOVE OR MASTURBATE--
SEXUAL FREEDOM WILL NEVER BE
OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE!
Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms
The dancers crouch-walk towards the camera.
IT'S THE SIXTIES!
The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with
their arms outstretched, panting. Austin breathes heavily
and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.
We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is
the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching Austin's ass. She SMILES
behind the binoculars hiding her face.
37 EXT. CARNABY ST.
Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM.
Sitting in a parked Citroen watching him is the ASSASSIN.
The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street.
The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg.
The business man nods to a BOBBY.
The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.
The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME.
The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup.
The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof.
The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF.
The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR.
The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD.
The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR
on a double-decker bus.
The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER.
The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by.
The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole
nodding sequence was a circular waste of time.
EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES
Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at
him. He dives out of the way and takes off running. He rounds
a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a
wall by hugging himself.
The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his
Austin turns as he hears a car HONK.
It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps
We see her in her entirety for the first time, and what a
sight it is. She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing
suit, unzipped just enough to show the female symbol
She is FELICITY SHAGWELL.
MUSIC: FELICITY'S THEME
Care for a ride?
That's my Beetle, baby.
It was your Beetle. Get in.
Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off.
INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION)
Felicity drives expertly.
Austin Powers, I presume?
Powers by name, Powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by
name, Shag-very-Well by reputation.
(turning to camera)
The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind
The assassin FIRES.
Felicity turns around to look.
Grab the wheel, would you?
Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns
and FIRES out the window.
The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and
he jumps out as it goes over.
EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN
The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three
times before it EXPLODES.
The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls.
EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN
Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and
tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it, too,
Well, Austin, I think this time you
may have met your match.
Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and
I'll beat him again.
I was talking about me.
She smiles, turns, and walks away.
INT. AUSTIN'S PAD
The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing
illumination. Suddenly, Austin and Felicity rise on an
elevator into the middle of the spotlight.
Welcome to my shag pad, baby.
Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi-
fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin.
Austin blows DUST off a table.
Care for something to drink?
Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a
Or perhaps something to read?
Austin walks seductively over to the real wetbar and hits a
button. It revolves to reveal a bookcase.
How about a hot cup of coffee?
Yes, I rather fancy a grind.
Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a
MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM
Would you like a... mas-sage? A
Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the
floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed; red gels slide into
place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a
reel-to-reel; an end table revolves to reveal a selection of
Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her.
How does that feel, baby?
(lowering his voice)
HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY?
They laugh. Austin continues to massage her.
Wait, something's itching me.
She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening
dress, revealing her naked back.
Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on
Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on
(talking to his crotch)
Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do
it for England.
Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked.
Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity
stretches very sexily.
Would you 'like to see my etchings?
I think I'm ready for bed.
She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of
I'll get you some PJs.
No, I'm ready for bed.
She moves over to him. He avoids her.
Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth
Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally
grabs him and pins him to the bed.
No, I want to have sex with you,
I've studied everything about you-
your methods, your accomplishments,
your preferences. You're the reason
I became a spy. Now, I've waited two
years to meet you, so I say we get
busy making up for lost time.
Austin sits up.
Felicity, I used to think that way,
too, but I guess... I guess I've
changed. Not to make a short story
long, or to ramble on and on, or to
keep talking in a repetitive manner
ad infinitum until it becomes
impossible to remember what I was
talking about in the first place,
but- where was I?
MUSIC: SAD INSTRUMENTAL
Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you.
I've lost my mojo.
I thought coming back to the Sixties
would bring it back, but it hasn't.
Austin, don't worry. I know just the
man to help you. He's my guru. Ringo
recommended him and he's the best.
I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby!
EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET
Austin's plane in flight.
EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE
Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen
projection of India.
It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and
DISCIPLES. Austin and Felicity enter.
There he is. That's my guru.
We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a
bright red sari.
Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin
How are you baby?
My chakras are aligned and I am in a
perfect state of equipoise.
Good on ya. I don't know what that
means but it sounds fab.
Guru, we need some advice.
Hold your horses and any other beasts-
of burden. I must lead my disciples
in meditation and then I will help
The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples
sink to their knees.
My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a
spiritual teacher and I have combined
many disparate disciplines into a
unified movement of human potentiality
and equipoise that I learned from my
guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste
man who died mysteriously of a disease
that strangely had all the hallmarks
of syphilis. He would say to me,
Sparky, love is all, life is breath.
Now, perhaps you are wondering where
I got the nickname Sparky. Well,
when we were young we used to play a
game called "Stinkmop". We would
urinate into a bucket, dip a mop
into it, and play tag. I did not
care for "Stinkmop" and a very wise
old man said to me 'oh lighten up,
Sparky', and I don't know, the name
kind of stuck.
Now, the reason I am a spiritualist
instead of a therapist is that
'therapist' often becomes 'the rapist'
and that will not help us attain
potentiality. Now what is
potentiality? It is the ability to
achieve those goals that we wish to
achieve for ourselves. People often
say to me that they feel "nowhere",
and I am going to change that to
The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!"
And you have many assumptions about
your goals, but when you "assume"
You make an "ass" out of "u" and
Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME."
The being, or that which we call
'ourselves', is not the tinker. It
is not the taughts. It is the Gap
between the tinker and the taughts!
We are not our mind, we are not our
body, we are the Gap!
Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT
THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font.
The heart of the matter is that you
are the heart of the matter. There
is no "I" in "team". Beer before
liquor, never sicker. Don't take a
wooden nickel. If your pipe is short
and your pump is weak, you better
stand close or you'll piss on your
feet. He who goes to bed with itchy
bum wakes up with smelly finger.
Finally, the path to spiritual
awakening requires the death of ego.
Leggo of my ego! Let us end with the
mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay
Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu.
Om Ay Vant Yu Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu
Uh... Mo Ay Vant Yu Hu.
The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo.
Go with God, and pay at the door
The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach.
How can I help you?
Guru, I'm having trouble performing.
What do you mean?
You know- my bits and pieces are a
I'm not understanding.
I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy-
Still not clear.
My flag's at half mast and no one
will salute it.
My Willie don't work.
Why are you beating around the bush?
That's my problem.
Ohhhhh, I get it.
No, I don't get it.
Felicity and I were all set for some
hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for
Oh, yes, I see.
You have no idea what I'm saying, do
Not a word.
Guru, I've lost my mojo.
Oh, mojo! You should have said so.
Well, you've lost your mojo because
your chakras are misaligned. You
have lost love.
Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa?
She was an evil robot minion of Dr.
Evil. I couldn't have loved her.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt,
buddy. You will only get your mojo
back when you surround yourself with
Oh, I get what you're saying now!
He's talking about free love, baby!
Tune in, turn on, and drop out!
I am talking about true love. You
must stay and study until you are
No way, man. The only way to surround
yourself with love is to throw a
swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah!
INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR
Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as
FAT BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and when he swears he is
Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have
First things first, where's your
shitter? I've gotta bleepin, turtle
head pokin' out.
Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you
don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard
I've got a lot of demons kickin'
around in my noggin, but weight issues
ain't one of them.
The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the
incorrect weight for my height and I
was born out of wedlock, hence the
moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not
kiddin'. I've got a crap on deck
that could choke a donkey.
Fat Bastard, the mojo?
Where's my (bleeping) money?
A gentlemen never discusses money.
Fine, you can take your (bleep)in'
money and shove it up your (bleep),
you stupid (bleeping) prick! While
you're at it you can suck my greasy,
Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.
Right. Bring in the money.
Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded
with gold bars.
Alright, here it is.
Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of
Dr. Evil is mesmerized.
Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives
it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and places it on a SPECIALLY
NUMBER TWO enters.
Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin
Powers is back in the Sixties. One
of our best assassins spotted him
but he got away.
This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have
There is another. Felicity Shagwell,
Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL.
Scott, what are you doing here?
I don't know, I was sitting around
watching the tube and The Courtship
of Eddie's Father came on Nick at
Nite, you know, and I was just
listening to that theme song--
(hums/sings the theme)
Anyway it made me think that maybe
we could try and work things out.
You know, you are my Dad and I need
You had your chance, Scott. I already
have someone created in my image.
He's evil, he wants to take over the
world, and he fits easily into most
overhead storage bins.
Has anyone seen Mini-Me?
Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver?
Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a
frickin' bell on him or something?
Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil
hits a button and a model moon and a model earth descend.
Gentlemen, phase three. We place a
giant laser on the moon. Let me
Where's my laser?
Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model
laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his mouth
Mini-Me, don't chew my laser.
Not feeling well. He has an ear
infection, but tit's OK.
(back to model)
Anyway, the laser is powerful enough
to destroy every city on the planet
at will. We'll turn the moon into
what I like to call a "Death Star".
What did you call me?
(pretends to sneeze)
Bless you? Anyways, since my "death
star" laser was invented by the noted
Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I
thought we'd name it in his honor--
the Alan Parsons Project.
Scott SNICKERS again.
The Alan Parsons Project was a
progressive rock band from 1982.
Why don't you just name it Operation
Wang Chung, ass?
When you get your own evil empire,
you can call it whatever you want.
Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate
the awesome lethality of the Alan
Parsons Project. Fire the laser!
A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White
House, causing it to explode.
Everyone is shocked by the laser's power.
My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the
Wihite House with no warning!
Actually, that was just footage from
the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture
Independence Day, but it would be a
lot like that. What do you think,
Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was
I'm nineteen, I don't-
Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh-
shh! It's Morse code.
Let me decipher... it says 'shhhhh!'
You are so lame-
(like Electric Company)
Dr. Evil, what are we going to do
Fat Bastard, in addition to being
extremely rotund, you're a vicious
Take care of it.
It'll be my pleasure.
It's an easy job. Without his mojo,
Powers will be...powerless?
INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT
A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in
full swing. A girl dances in an oversized birdcage.
This shag-in is gonna blow your mind,
The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to
Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and
smoking. He gently lifts her drink and cigarette away from
You'll thank me later, baby.
Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing.
Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?
We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair.
Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen
and the king laughed because he had
Let's split up and scope the scene.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at
least not without me.
Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off.
Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick.
You're very exotic, baby. Do you
have a little English in you?
Would you like to?
An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy.
ALAN ZEUS GUY
(rolling his eyes)
This is ridiculous!
A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs.
Have you ever been picked up by the
No, but I bet it really hurts.
A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides
through the party and falls over.
Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS
The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary
defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty
An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka.
I don't get it.
The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are
Those are skin tight. How do you get
into those pants, baby?
Well you can start by buying me a
Austin does a spit take.
Felicity with a VIKING.
You were great last night. By the
way, I'm Thor.
You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly
Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's
Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed.
Last night I had German-Chinese food.
An hour later I was hungry- for power.
Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a
handful of F-off pills?
Did you hear about the contortionist
who was engaged to be married?
Yeah, I heard she broke it off.
Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take.
ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant.
Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid!
Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV,
which is totally fuzzy. He looks over and sees what appears
to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle.
Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a
girl in a flesh-colored dress. In between her and Austin
were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass
filled with a Cosmopolitan.
Cut to Austin and Felicity together again.
Look at that.
She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are
That's not a pretty sight. Who is
Until recently he worked security
for the MOD, but we think he might
be a double agent, possibly for Dr.
How do you know?
We've noticed that his lifestyle has
changed dramatically. He's made a
lot of cash purchases, he's hanging
out with foxes half his age, and
he's becomes quite a fixture on the
London party circuit.
Who's the girl?
I don't know, but it looks like he's
Fat Bastard exits.
I'll follow him. You see what you
can get out of the girl. We'll
Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his
way over to the girl.
Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party.
Who are you today, baby?
Robin. Robin Swallows.
Swallows? That's an interesting name.
Are you English?
German, actually. My maiden name is
Well which is it, baby, Spitz or
Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure.
The pleasure is mine.
She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he
shakes, her cleavage undulates like jello. Austin is
transfixed and keeps shaking far too long.
Charmed, I'm sure.
(still shaking, her
How do you do?
I always enjoy meeting new people.
How's your mum? Good.
I love shaking hands.
Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in
danger of popping out of her dress.
(snapping out of it)
So, who was your friend?
His name is Fat Bastard.
It suits him.
He's my lover.
Austin is grossed out.
OK. Would you happen to know if he's
in business with a man named Mr.
I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin
does a smug take.
Something to drink? Would you like a
Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.
Really? I said Mister Pepper.
Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls
You're a groovy boy, I'd like to
strap you on sometime.
ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO
ALAN ZEUS TYPE
EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT
Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his
...and I'll have a fried-prawn
sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two
whole chickens, a kidney pie, a toad
in the hole, bubble and squeak,
bangers and mash, 3 orders of fish
and chips, and... a Fresca. No ice.
We pan to see Felicity beside him.
I love a man with a large appetite.
And I love a woman with big (bleeps),
so let's shut up and get to
Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile.
INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT
Can I ask you a question?
Well, what's the question?
Oh, yes. Would you like to shag?
I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come
right... over... here.
Robin moves Austin into place as they dance.
You're a bit of alright.
Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION
OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to throw a knife.
Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and
USES HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the knife squarely in the
Oedipus... use the revolver.
Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues
to use Robin AS A SHIELD. She takes six hits. Oedipus runs
out of bullets.
Oedipus... use the machine gun.
Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert
Rodriquez- like flurry of events, Austin dodges while still
USING HER AS A SHIELD.
Oedipus throws down his gun and charges Austin. Austin uses
Robin's body to block Oedipus's head butt, but his momentum
pushes all three of them through a PLATE GLASS WINDOW of his
second story loft.
As they fall, Austin turns Robin around so that she is between
him and the ground.
EXT. OUTSIDE AUSTINIS FLAT
They land with a THUD. Robin cushions Austin's fall. Oedipus
is dead on the pavement.
Sorry baby, too late. He's as dead
You can't win, Powers. Dr. Evil has
your mojo and it's only a matter of
time before he kills you and takes
over the world.
Tell Fat Bastard I'll miss him...
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Felicity is in bed, naked under the sheets, smoking a
cigarette. We hear strange sounds offstage.
We pan over to reveal she's IN BED WITH A NAKED FAT BASTARD!
He is eating a huge turkey leg, his face covered in food.
I always get (bleep)in' hungry after
I get my end away!
I never would have thought that a
man of such tremendous girth could
be such a, um, creative and sensuous
You want some chicken? I have more!
He rolls over to reveal his HUGE NAKED ASS.
Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse, looks around
for a place to plant it. She sees his enormous butt cleavage
and realizes that there's only one place for the thing to
ANGLE on FAT BASTARD'S face. He is delighted.
Frisky are we? Alright lets have
She is horrified.
INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM
Dr. Evil at his table with Frau, Scott, and Number Two.
Get me the President of the United
The PRESIDENT appears on Dr. Evil's video screen with his
ADVISORS behind him.
INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)
Dr. Evil, what do you want?
Not what I want Mr. President, but I
will receive. In 12 hours I will
destroy Washington, DC with a giant
Dr. Evil reveals a giant laser. Mini-Me is humping it like a
OK, Mini-Me, why don't you and the
laser get a frickin' room. Honestly.
I will destroy another major city
every hour- that is, unless you
One hundred billion dollars!
The President and his advisors LAUGH.
Dr. Evil that's more than the entire
federal budget for 1969.
Don't play games with me. The capitol
will disappear if I don't receive
One hundred billion dollars!
His advisors LAUGH.
That much money simply doesn't exist.
I don't think l00 billion is even a
number. It's like saying I want a
kajillion bajillion dollars.
His advisors LAUGH.
Come on, Mr. President...
"Show me the money!"
Dr. Evil looks around smugly. No one laughs.
"Show me the money!"
He looks around again, expectantly.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
You know, kwan? Show me the money?
It's 1969. That movie won't come out
for another 30 years, ass. They
don't know what you're talking about.
Right. OK, see if you understand
this: give me the money or I'm going
to blow you to frickin' bits, OK?
The President and his advisors MURMUR.
(making 'stop' gesture)
Talk to the hand!
Dr. Evil signs off.
I did love that, though. Cuba Gooding
Jr. was outstanding. Oscar speech,
Scott looks at him with disgust.
Okay, everybody clear the room!
Everyone leaves and he walks over to a panel bearing his
logo. He presses a button, the panel opens up to reveal... A
SECRET SHRINE TO AUSTIN POWERS!
In it we see a huge full-length photo of Austin Powers, and
various magazine covers.
He presses a button and an Austin wig descends from the
ceiling landing perfectly on his bald head. A backless mockup
of Austin's suit rises from the floor. He puts on a pair of
glasses. He has become Austin Powers.
Dr. Evil cautiously tastes the mojo.
Yeah, baby. Very shagedelic.
This isn't working. I don't feel
We PUSH IN towards Dr. Evil's head.
FLASH CUT TO:
DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE
A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil. Zoom in on
his head which explodes into 30 other small Dr. Evil heads
which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of flowers. The flowers
sprout the word "EVIL'.
A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses
smashes the flowers, changing the words from "EVIL" to "VILE"
and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE".
Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth
coming out of their stomachs drop penis rockets that have
the word "GREED" written on the shaft, smashing the "LOVE"
flowers into "IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns
into submarines, which becomes yellow penises of huge, goose-
stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a rain of
urine that falls on the Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred
Austin Powers citizens. They each open an umbrella that says
"LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST". The urine turns into a stream
that flows into the mouth of a huge head of Dr. Evil.
FLASH CUT BACK TO:
INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - AUSTIN SHRINE
Pull back from Dr. Evil's head. He looks dazed and confused.
Just then, Number Two re-enters the room, catching Dr. Evil
with all his Austin paraphernalia.
Dr. Evil, one last thing. I-- oh.
I was just... right. Would it kill
you to frickin' knock?
EXT./INT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
Austin and Felicity walk along the street.
Austin, tell me about the Nineties.
You know I can't tell you details
about the future, baby, it could
Not details, just what it's like.
You know, what's the scene? Where's
There've been a lot of advances in
the Nineties, baby. The economy is
stable, people take better care of
their health concern for the
environment is on the rise and, um,
let's see, there's an entire
television channel dedicated to golf.
It's not so bad once you get used to
it. The Nineties are about
responsibility. You know, having
respect for yourself and other people.
I even got married.
You? Married? What about the sexual
Well, it turns out there were some
casualties, baby. Don't you think
you'll ever get married?
No, not until I get a little more
'experience' under my belt.
Suddenly Austin notices something outside and puts his hand
to his mouth in fear.
Oh my God!
Felicity is immediately on her guard. She pulls her gun.
What is it! Is it Fat Bastard?
No, written here on my hand, see?
Austin turns his hand around to show her. He has written 'oh
my God' on his hand with the pen.
Says 'Oh my God!'
Austin and Felicity duck into a CAMERA SHOP and come out an
instant later with SUPER-8 CAMERAS.
They run down the street filming each other.
AUSTIN AND FELICITY - SUPER-8 MONTAGE
This is a Richard Lester-like sequence shot on grainy film
from Austin and Felicity's POVs.
There's lots of SPEEDED UP stuff and POPPING IN AND OUT of
frame like the MONKEES TV show.
BACK ON THE STREET
Felicity, I haven't had this much
fun since I worked undercover in
Amsterdam-- '66 I think it was.
1965, actually. You posed as a Dutch
cheese expert to stop Dr. Evil from
poisoning the world's water supply.
Austin is impressed.
I've studied your file, Austin. I
want to be a trailblazer, just like
you. The Seventies are right around
the corner. It's going to be a
glorious time for fashion and music
and technology-- it won't be long
before every flying car has its own
Austin starts to say something, then bites his tongue.
The CIA has always been a boy's club
until now. Well move over, this
chick's taking over.
Austin, your voice!
Yes, I think I'm coming down with
Austin and Felicity stop at an ICE CREAM MAN with his
I'll get some ice cream. Would you
(hoarse, to ice cream
Could I have two scoops of Vanilla,
ICE CREAM MAN
Right away, governor. Would you like
ICE CREAM MAN
Will you have any whipped cream?
I will, thank you.
ICE CR@ MAN
ICE CREAM MAN
ICE CREAM MAN
Here's your change, sir. Oh, and
We cut back to the ICE CREAM MAN to see him pulling off a
very fake beard. It is BASIL (though it was clearly another
(now with phlegmy
Hello, Austin. What's wrong with
(still phlegmy throat)
I just had ice cream. Listen to me,
I have dairy throat. "Mary had a
little lamb and it was always
gruntin'. She tied it to a five bar
gate and kicked it's little-
Austin! Things are heating up, so I
thought it best to contact you in
disguise. Felicity, your plan worked.
You and Austin track Fat Bastard
back to Dr. Evil.
But how can we track Fat Bastard?
I planted a homing device on him
Yes, and we're starting to pick up
the signal now.
Basil hands Felicity a tracking device that BEEPS.
How did you get close enough to plant
a homing device?
I shagged him, I shagged him rotten.
Austin and Basil are confused and grossed out at the same
You... him? Just like that?
Yes, Austin, we needed that
Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity,
we now know that-
Did you use an elaborate set of
pulleys? A block and tackle?
Anyway, you two follow the signal
back to Dr. Evil's headquarters and
I just can't get my head around it,
baby. You're so small and he's so
... not small. The sheer mechanics
of it are mindboggling!
Never mind, Austin, you two have
work to do. You must find Dr. Evil.
We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen built into the
I got it! A Chinese basket with a
counter-weighted ballast. That's
how you did it, right?
Austin, it almost sounds like you're
Who, me? That's not possible, baby!
(beat, to himself)
Just then a-car pulls beside them. Two Dr. Evil Private Army
guys pull machine guns and start SHOOTING.
Felicity ducks. Austin reaches back and pulls ROBIN SWALLOWS
from the back seat and USES HER AS A SHIELD.
We're obviously on the right track.
(re: tracking screen)
It looks like Fat Bastard is-on an
island in the middle of the ocean.
EXT. DR. EVIL'S ISLANDNIGHT
We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen.
EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - NIGHT
The Beetle comes from under the water and lands on the beach.
We still hear the BEEP-BEEP.
EXT. TENT - WOODS - NIGHT
Austin and Felicity have set up a tent with a view of the
Dr. Evil Mt. Rushmore face. Austin is looking at the mountain
through a pair of binoculars which hang around his neck.
According to the readings, Dr. Evil's
headquarters is over the next ridge.
Can I have a look?
Austin hands her the binoculars. Unfortunately the strap is
still around his neck, pulling his face into her cleavage.
Question is, how do we get in?
Austin, did you hear me?
I seem to be stuck in your dirty
Where are the topographical maps
that Basil drew up?
I think they're in the tent.
He and Felicity enter the tent. A LIGHT is on inside casting
shadows of Austin and Felicity on the side of the tent. From
the outside it appears the shadow Austin is leaning over
with his back to-the shadow Felicity, who appears to have
her hands up his butt.
Have you got it out yet?
Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things
do you put in there?
The shadow Felicity appears to be tugging a string of sausage
links from his ass.
Oh, anything that catches my fancy.
How do you manage to fit it all in?
Oh, it stretches to fit.
The shadow Felicity appears to pull a tennis racket out of
Are you almost done? I can't hold it
We see that Austin is leaned over holding part of the tent.
Felicity is rummaging through a duffel bag across the tent.
Here we go, one hammer. It's amazing
how much this duffel bag will hold.
INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR
We see Dr. Evil playing a piano. We pan to see Mini-Me on
top of the piano, himself playing a miniature baby grand.
'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?
JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?'
We see that Number Two and Frau are the audience. They
Dr. Evil, that was fantastic, but I
do have some bad news. Powers' is
on the island.
Don't worry, Dr. Evil, we can get to
him by using the girl.
I have the perfect weapon. Frau?
Bring in the He-Bots!
MUSIC: It's Rainina Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS Three HE-BOTS
enter in unison. They are robotic studs in Logan's Run type
Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots.
What kind of woman could resist these
perfect specimens of masculinity?
Their clothes are stylish, their
posture is ramrod straight, and their
buttocks are tight, like tigers.
And, each He-Bot is armed with a
ANGLE ON THE FIRST HE-BOT.
A nozzle flips up from his codpiece and white smoke pours
NUMBER TWO (O.S.)
ANGLE ON THE SECOND HE-BOT.
A gun barrel flips out form his crotch and FIRES machine-gun
NUMBER TWO (O.S.)
ANGLE ON THE THIRD HE-BOT.
A nozzle flips up from his crotch and yellow liquid drizzles
out onto the floor, where it smokes.
NUMBER TWO (O.S.)
And deadly acid.
Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one.
Right. I object to the last one on
aesthetic grounds, but I don't care
how you get Powers, just bring him
Ready Mini-Me? A one and a two and...
ME, AND MY SHA-DOW STROLLING DOWN
WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T A ROAD
WASN'T A BOULEVARD
(dancing in step)
ME, AND MY SHA- OW ALL ALONE AND FEE-
We see the shadows again. It now looks like Felicity is
putting things into Austin's ass.
Do you want everything to go back
Yes. Listen, Felicity, about Fat
It's my job, Austin. You of all people
should understand that. Marakesh,
1962. Rome, 1964. Tokyo, 1966. I
know your record backwards and
forwards. You've had more sex on
the job than a Swedish stewardess.
The shadow Felicity tries to cram the tennis racket into
what appears to be Austin's ass.
You're right, Felicity, I can't deny
it. But the world changed, and I
Pull back to reveal that THE HE-BOTS are watching. Felicity
shoves the tennis racket extra hard.
Austin stands up rapidly.
My back hurts.
Are you OK?
I'm fine, just keeping packing.
The He-Bots shrug their shoulders and march towards the tent.
INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 60'S
Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott, Number Two and Frau are seated.
Christ Almighty, it smells terrible
It's the volcanic sulphurous
emissions. We've put up some air
Great, now it smells like someone
took a shite in a pine tree.
Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded
into the rocket. You're ready for
I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis.
I have so few pleasures, you know.
Austin and Felicity are brought in at gunpoint by Private
Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome
to my hollowed-out volcano.
We meet again, Dr. Evil.
Yes, the only reason I'm keeping you
alive is so you can feel the agony
of watching my plan unfold.
Dr. Evil your plan will never--
Austin trails off as he spots his MOJO in the beaker behind
Oh, is that yours?
You know what they say: finders
keepers, loser weepers.
Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?
Of course. Why?
Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls.
Now you've got a couple of achers.
Oww! My stomach hurts!
I don't care if he is evil, you don't
give a man a shot in the pills. It's
just not cricket, baby.
Take them away.
The guards lead Austin and Felicity away.
She just hoofed you in the sack and
you're going to leave them alone in
a jail cell with one inept guard?
They'll escape, dipshit. You do this
You're going the right way for a
smacked bottom, young man.
You don't own me!
I do actually.
(pulling out paper)
It's complicated. Usually it's illegal
but this buddy of mine... but I
digress. Fat Bastard, I'm leaving
you in charge. I'm going up the moon
to hold the world ransom with my
giant laser, I shouldn't be long.
What about Powers?
He's tucked away safely in his cell.
He's harmless without that mojo.
Guard it with your life.
(to Number Two)
Number Two, begin the countdown.
The area around Dr. Evil's command chair, including the time
portal behind it, is enclosed by a circular door, becoming
part of the rocket. Steam begins billowing, etc.
Five, four, three...
EXT. VOLCANO ISLAND (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)
NUMBER TWO (V.O.)
Two, one, liftoff!
The rocket lifts off from the volcano into the night sky.
EXT. NIGHT SKY (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)
The rocket in flight.
FULL SCREEN - NORAD TRACKING SCREEN
The rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a
INT. TRACKING ROOM
Colonel, you better have a look at
What is it, son?
I don't know, sir, but it looks like
INT. COCKPIT - JET
Take a look out of starboard.
Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
He raises his binoculars.
Over there. A rare red-billed
(looks over with
What sort of bird is that? Oh
goodness, it's not a bird, it's-
EXT. ARMY BASE
Privates! We have reports of an
Unidentified Flying Object. It has a
long, smooth shaft, complete with-
EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND
Two balls! No strikes.
What is that? It looks just like an
CUT BACK TO:
INT. RADAR ROOM
Get on the horn to British
Intelligence and let them know about
INT. JAIL CELL
Austin and Felicity are in a bare cell with cement walls.
The huge metal door has a window with bars in it.
How are we going to get out of here?
Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard
Austin, that is it! I don't know
what happened to you in the Nineties,
but I'm still here, in the Sixties,
and I still swing! Don't try to lay
your hang-ups on me just because you
lost your mojo! That one hurts.
Ouch, baby, very ouch. I'm wounded.
I'm sorry, Austin, that was a cheap
No, baby, you're right. I was wrong
to judge you. I guess I am... jealous.
But the Austin Powers I knew was
wild and crazy and free. He could
never be jealous.
That Austin is gone. I've changed. I
knew someone, not long ago, a very
special woman. She taught me that
life isn't about jumping into the
sack with whoever comes along, it's
about caring and responsibility. And
while it is true she turned out to
be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil,
I suppose I really did... love her.
Was that your wife?
Felicity is touched.
Listen, Austin, I can't pretend to
understand everything you've gone
through, but I trust you. I'll make
you a deal: if we get out of here
alive, I'll give monogamy a try.
We need to lure the guard inside and
get his key.
Alright, what if I pretend to be
desperately ill with food poisoning?
The guard, drawn by my cries of pain,
will come to investigate. Meanwhile,
you dig a pit and line it with
makeshift punji sticks made from
sharpened toothbrushes. The guard
falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've
got the key. What do you think?
That might work, but how about this?
Felicity charges towards the window in the door, ripping
open her blouse as she goes, showing her breasts to the guard.
We, however, can't see them.
(giving a wolf whistle)
What do you think of these, my man?
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CELL
The guard is mesmerized by Felicity.
He unlocks the door and enters.
INT. JAIL CELL
The guard enters an apparently empty cell. We see that Austin
is wedged spread-eagle above the door, ready to pounce.
(seductive, to guard)
It's very hot in here, don't you
The guard follows her into the cell.
It's very hot in here, don't you
The guard advances on her.
I'm very firmly wedged.
If you want something done...
She PUNCHES the guard right in the face and he collapses.
Almost... got it!
Austin falls flat on his face with a THUMP and pops back up.
Let's go get my mojo!
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE
It is a stark, steel girder and glass structure. Dr. Evil is
trying to look dignified but he is FLOATING AWAY. He grabs
at the railing of his chair as his feet float up.
Has anyone seen my gravity booties?
Honestly, all I wanted was a frickin'
moon base. Hello, we're on the moon,
Mini-Me? Are you alright?
ANGLE ON THE TOP OF THE ROOM.
Mini-Me is stuck to the top of the ceiling along with a lot
My frickin' mascot is stuck to the
ceiling, OK? Not good. Papa not happy.
A couple of henchmen place BOOTS on Dr. Evil. He drops to
Somebody get the stick. Hold on,
He's interrupted by terrible FEEDBACK. Dr. Evil taps and
blows on the mic.
Worse FEEDBACK. He holds it farther away.
Begin laser ignition sequence.
The laser's coils begin to glow RED.
Lunar alignment in 6 hours.
FULL FRAME - LUNAR TRACKING MODEL
A NORAD-type screen showing the current position of the moon
and where it needs to be before the laser can fire.
INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM
Austin and Felicity run into the Main Room. It is strangely
dark and quiet.
Where's your mojo, Austin?
I'm not sure.
MUSIC: It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS Suddenly, the
lights dim. The three He-Bots descend from the ceiling on
trapezes and acrobatic rings, their muscles rippling.
Watch out, baby, He-Bots!
The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like
a perfect Olympic dismount. Their crotch nozzles flip up one
I can't fight them without my mojo.
Who said anything about fighting?
MUSIC: seductive music Felicity does a very seductive dance,
with hip thrusts and bumps and grinds. The He-Bots EXPLODE,
succumbing to her mojo.
Smashing, Felicity, you were making
me very horny, man! Extremely randy,
FAT BASTARD (O.S.)
C'mon, give the lads a show. Take of
your top. Put 'em on the glass! Make
'em bounce. Let's have a look at
Austin and Felicity turn to see Fat Bastard lurking in the
Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
Fat Bastard, holds the beaker and is flanked by a dozen
private army men.
Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!
I give the orders, (bleep) for brains.
Guards, take them back to their cells.
Hold on, let me ask you one question.
Alright, I guess I owe you that much
for a night of carnal ecstasy.
Austin is grossed out.
Are you happy?
What kind of stupid ass question is
that? I'm (bleep)in' rich and I'm up
to my tits in clean stinky.
You didn't answer my question, are
It's about my girth isn't it? Sure I
could lose a few pounds, but I could
Are you happy?
Of course I'm not happy. Look at me,
I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger
titties than you do! I've got more
(bleep)in' chins than a Chinese phone
book. I've got more crack cheese
than a (bleep)in' dairy. I've nay
seen ma willie in two years. That's
enough time to declare it legally
deed! I can't stop eating. I eat
because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy
because I eat.
(starts to cry)
I'm caught in a cycle and there's no
Maybe inside that Fat Bastard there's
a thin bastard, trying to get out
Maybe there's big crap inside me
trying to get out, jack-ass! Enough
of your (bleep)in' new age aphorisms.
Listen, I've run the gamut of self-
help books. "Food isn't love", right,
but how do you get it from the page
to the (bleep)in' fork? I'm so weak,
I hate myself. I'm for shite. Here,
take the mojo.
Fat Bastard hands over the mojo.
I appreciate you trying to reach me,
no one can do it for me, I know this
now. There's a hole in my soul that
food won't fill. This is the beginning
of a new me. I'm gonna go to the gym
everyday. If you'll excuse me, there's
someone I have to get in touch with
and forgive... myself.
Sorry. I farted.
It's a long road ahead.
EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - DAY
Austin and Felicity run up to the Beetle.
Hold on, I have something very
important to do.
Austin drinks the mojo.
How do you feel?
Sound as a pound, my spuds are
boiling. Fancy a shag?
Austin, we don't have time.
C'mon, luv, let's hop on the good
foot and do the bad thing!
Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the
moon. The world is in danger.
Right, the moon. I think I know
someone who can give us a lift.
EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)
The Apollo ready for lift-off.
There's been some sort of delay in
the launch of Apollo 11, Walter, but
we understand that America's first
manned mission to the moon will be
blasting off shortly.
Pan across Austin in a spacesuit, then Felicity in her
spacesuit, then CAMEO ASTRONAUT in his space suit. They are
surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons and meters.
Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket
scientist to figure this stuff out.
I am a rocket scientist.
A technician closes the hatch and the countdown begins.
MISSION COMMANDER (V.O.)
We will have lift-off in T minus 10
seconds... 9... 8... etc.
Felicity, if you get frightened,
just hold my hand.
EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL (STOCK FOOTAGE)
The rocket lifts off.
MISSION COMMANDER (V.O.)
We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has
cleared the tower and is heading for
a rendezvous with the moon.
INT. APOLLO CAPSULE
The G-forces during lift-off are incredible. Austin's face
is pulled into a contorted mask which bares his teeth. His
hair sticks straight up and his glasses are twisted.
Austin is terrified. He clutches Felicity's hand, then grabs
on to the astronaut beside him.
Felicity, however, loves it.
EXT. SPACE - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)
The stages separate.
INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM
Basil sits at the console with NASA technicians.
Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit.
How was that lift-off?
INT. CAPSULE - APOLLO ROCKET (INTERCUT)
To be honest it was terrifying. It
felt like sitting on top of a bomb.
As I punched through the atmosphere,
I said 'Oh my God!' and I soiled
Happens all the time in that
No, I mean I soiled myself just now
when I said oh 'my God!'
Basil, it was amazing!
Prepare for moon landing. We only
have one hour until Dr. Evil fires
EXT. MOON LANDING (STOCK FOOTAGE)
The lunar module settles on the moon.
Mission control, the swinger has
EXT. LUNAR MODULE - SURFACE OF THE MOON
Austin and Felicity step out in their spacesuits.
This is one small step for man, but
a giant step for shagging. Can you
imagine it, baby, weightless? The
permutations are mind-boggling.
Austin plants a UNION JACK on the moon.
God Save the Queen.
INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM
The MISSION COMMANDER shakes his head.
The Queen? This is an American show,
goddammit. Let's roll that footage
we shot last week in the studio.
INT. 1960'S AMERICAN HOME (STOCK FOOTAGE)
A family gathers around the TV, watching Neil Armstrong's
'real' moon landing.
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE
Dr. Evil walks all the way around a TUBULAR HALLWAY-- up the
walls, across the ceiling upside down, and back again,
settling into his chair. It is like that shot in 2001 SPACE
Position the laser.
The laser shifts into place. An ALARM goes off and LIGHTS
WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!
Get me the President.
THE SCREEN FLICKERS ON:
Mr. President, your time is up. This
is your last chance to pay 100 billion
dollars or see Washington DC
WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!
The ALARM continues to blare.
INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)
The President at his desk.
What? I can't hear you.
Pay me 100 billion dollars or see
Washington DC destroyed!
The ALARM BLARES.
I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.
How about now?
The Capital will be destroyed-
The ALARM BLARES.
Sorry! I just can't- I think it's
Could someone shut off that frickin'
alarm? I'm trying to hold the free
world hostage here. Honestly.
WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS
YOU PAY ME-
The ALARM SHUTS OFF but Dr. Evil is still shouting.
100 BILLION DOLLARS!
His yelling startles even himself.
Please Dr. Evil, be reasonable. That's
more money than is in the entire
Oh well, I guess you have one minute
to- "show me the money"!
I still don't know what that means.
I can't show you the money because
we don't have the money.
Then I suppose you're up shit's crick
without a paddle.
INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM
A white room with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a
tracking screen. Basil, several GENERALS, and other VIPs
look anxiously over the shoulder of the MISSION CONTROL
Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the
moon. We'll soon know whether he has
succeeded or whether the world will
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - HALLWAY
Austin and Felicity enter through a hatch and step out of
Let's find Dr. Evil.
Suddenly, Austin notices something.
He points. We see a profile through a sheet of frosted glass.
It is Dr. Evil's distinctive profile, with a machine gun.
Austin takes careful aim and FIRES. We see the SHADOW take
the hit, and fall.
Austin, you've done it! You got Dr.
Of course I did, baby, I got my mojo
Austin, I'm going ahead. Cover my
Felicity runs ahead. Austin runs over to where the shadow
came from. He sees that it was not Dr. Evil, but MINI-ME,
carrying a little gun. Austin is ashamed.
Poor little bugger. He's so small,
he's like a dog or something.
Austin chokes back a tear.
Poor little bugger.
Felicity, be careful! Dr. Evil is
still alive! Felicity?
Austin runs after her.
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM
Austin rounds the corner and comes upon Dr. Evil.
(holding his gun on
Alright, slap-head, turn around.
Aren't you forgetting something?
A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing FELICITY,
enclosed in a glass tube.
(to Dr. Evil)
What have you done to her?
Don't worry, she's not dead... yet.
Brightly colored GAS starts to fill the glass chamber.
(muffled through glass)
Don't worry about me Austin. You've
got to save the world!
It looks like you have a choice,
Powers: save the world, or save your
Austin is torn. He looks back and forth between Felicity and
the laser which is on the other side of the room.
I've got my mojo back, man, I can do
We'll see. Fire the laser!
The woman manning the laser's joystick begins to MOVE IT.
Austin leaps across the room and reaches her just in time.
Hands off my joystick, baby.
He wrestles with her a moment and then KNOCKS IT ASKEW.
The laser beam hits the Big Boy Rocket in the crotch and Big
Boy's eyes cross in pain.
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM
Damn you, Powers!
Dr. Evil hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button. An ALARM blares.
Warning! Self-destruct sequence
The base is rocked by EXPLOSIONS.
See, Dr. Evil I told you I could do
Perhaps you spoke too soon.
Austin looks over. Felicity has slumped over in the tube.
Austin BANGS on the glass with his fists.
Felicity! Felicity. Wake up! Wake
up! Please God, don't take her away.
It is too late. Dr. Evil runs through the TIME PORTAL and
Felicity, you have to understand, I
thought I had my mojo back. This
Austin looks up to the heavens. We see a quick--
FLASHBACK - MONTAGE
of moments they shared, Austin making her laugh, their first
kiss, of Felicity being her beautiful and free-spirited self.
A tear runs down his cheek. Austin presses his face against
the glass as if trying to reach her.
I love you, Felicity! I know I
couldn't say it before, but I really
do love you!
Dr. Evil, I'll kill him!
Austin starts to chase him, but THREE PRIVATE ARMY MEN block
his path. Austin is like an animal.
He charges toward the first soldier, RIPS HIS HEART OUT, and
takes a bite out of it.
Then Austin turns to the second soldier and RIPS HIS SPINE
OUT like in Mortal Kombat. The soldier slumps to the ground.
The last soldier is terrified. Austin swings both fists
simultaneously, crushing the guy's head which EXPLODES LIKE
Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC". He runs
INT. ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC
An orgy is taking place. Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel
with two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him grapes.
You make love to your wife out of
duty, your mistress for pleasure,
and a Roman boy for ecstasy.
He runs away as Austin appears through the TIME PORTAL. Austin
follows Dr. Evil into another TIME PORTAL marked "1975".
EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD -
Austin emerges from the TIME PORTAL to see Dr. Evil getting
into a car. Austin waves his hands and a 1974 RED FORD TORINO
with a white stripe pulls over.
I have to commandeer this vehicle.
Hey, aren't you Hutch?
We see PAUL MICHAEL GLASER (STARSKY).
PAUL MICHAEL GLASER
Austin jumps in and the Torino speeds off. Dr. Evil's car
disappears into a car wash which is a TIME PORTAL. The Torino
A sign at the car wash reads: "1911"
EXT. DECK OF THE TITANIC -
Passengers in period garb walk past a lifesaver with "Titanic"
stenciled above it. Dr. Evil enters through a portal with
Austin hot on his heels.
Iceberg, dead ahead!
Suddenly the ship tilts at a radical angle. LEONARDO DICAPRIO,
KATE WINSLET, and JAMES CAMERON slide by.
I'm king of the world!
Dr. Evil and Austin slide backwards into the TIME PORTAL
they just came from.
EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY -
Dr. Evil runs into the street with Austin chasing him. In
SLO-MO Austin dives for a ridiculously long time, and TACKLES
Dr. Evil, pinning him.
I'm going to kill you, you bastard!
Before you do that, know this: Austin,
I am... your... father.
MUSIC: DRAMATIC STING
No. I can't back that up. I was just
grasping at straws. I had nothing.
But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers,
you really have become a product of
You're more interested in your job
as glorified policeman than you are
in love. You won the battle, but I
won the war. Love means nothing,
you've proved it.
I didn't think that Felicity was
going to die, man.
What a cowardly response. I'm
disappointed really. You have the
power to go back in time and save
her, but it means letting me go.
Austin looks over and sees a TIME PORTAL. Through it he can
glimpse the lair, and Felicity.
Well, Mr. Powers, which is it going
to be? Me or the girl?
Austin runs through.
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - 60'S
We see the scene from a moment ago. Felicity is in the glass
tube and the BRIGHTLY COLORED GAS is starting to fill it.
It looks like you have a choice:
save the world, or save your
I choose love, baby.
Austin runs over to the glass tube and SMASHES HIS FIST
through it. The glass SHATTERS and Austin pulls Felicity
out. She gasps for air.
Felicity, I love you.
But I thought-
That was another place and another
Austin kisses her for a long time. She starts to twitch.
She struggles. She hits him in the head and he finally stops
Sorry, baby, I got a little over-
Fire the laser!
What do we do?
Use your mojo!
I don't have it!
Trust me, you do!
Austin turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom. The
woman arming the laser stumbles backwards into the directional
control just as it FIRES.
The Big Boy Rocket spins to avoid the laser as it passes
INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM
He did it, he saved the world!
Of course, I thought he might.
INT. DR, EVILIS MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM
Austin, you did it!
I think I just got my mojo back.
Austin, you had it all along. No one
can take your, mojo away from you!
Good-bye, Mr. Powers, for the last
Dr. Evil hits the SELF-DESTRUCT button and climbs aboard the
rocket, which blasts off.
EXT. SPACE (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN EFFECT)
Dr. Evil's escape rocket in flight.
FULL SCREEN - RADAR
Dr. Evil's rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette
of a flying penis.
INT. RADAR ROOM
Sir, you better have a look at this
What is it?
don't know, sir. It's hard to
describe. It's... it's-
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Just a little prick!
The kid CRIES.
(out the window)
Good lord, what is that? If I didn't
know better I'd say it's a-
INT. CHINESE COMMUNIST CLASSROOM
One of the STUDENTS, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching
a red book is caught looking out the window.
I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher.
(pointing out window)
was distracted by that enormous flying-
(pointing to sky)
It looks like a giant-
OLD LADY TEACHER
(pointing to her chart)
The male reproductive organ. Also
known as tallywhackers, wankers,
INT. NASA CONTROL
Any word from Austin?
We've picked up his signal, but the
lunar base seems to self-destructing.
Austin, if you can hear me, use the
time portal! There's no time to get
to the lunar module! Use the time
INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE
Austin stumbles. Felicity looks at him.
Austin, you have to get to the time
Come with me, Felicity! It's the
only way out!
Austin, will I fit in the Nineties?
If I did, anyone can. Let's go, baby!
The TIME PORTAL is fifty feet away. Austin and Felicity run
towards it. In the foreground, are a stack of conveniently
placed barrels. As they run behind the barrels, an obvious
AUSTIN STUNT DOUBLE and an obvious FELICITY STUNT DOUBLE
emerge in their place.
The stunt doubles grab a winch hanging above them and cross
over to the TIME PORTAL in a dramatic series of acrobatic
flips and stunts.
The stunt doubles run behind another conveniently placed
pile of barrels. Austin and Felicity emerge in their place
and run through the TIME PORTAL. The TIME PORTAL reads "1999".
FADE TO BLACK:
INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - 1999 - DAY
It is the most up-to-date modern apartment you've ever seen
in your life. There is a large screen TV, a DVD player etc.
Movers move in tasteful modern furniture and various other
accouterments of moving. Felicity puts a CD on an old style
Don't worry baby it takes some getting
used to. Let me ask you Felicity, do
you feel any side effects from the
Felicity smiles broadly, revealing that she now has TERRIBLE
TEETH like Austin's.
I'm as healthy as a horse.
I love you, Felicity.
And I love you.
Do you want to get married?
FADE TO BLACK.
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