Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman
(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)
White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.
FADE OUT: CREDITS
Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy
monologue. He wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless
shirt; the background is stark.
There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly
women are at a Catskills mountain
resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy,
the food at this place is really
terrible." The other one says, "Yeah,
I know, and such... small portions."
Well, that's essentially how I feel
about life. Full of loneliness and
misery and suffering and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
The-the other important joke for me
is one that's, uh, usually attributed
to Groucho Marx, but I think it
appears originally in Freud's wit
and its relation to the unconscious.
And it goes like this-I'm
paraphrasing: Uh... "I would never
wanna belong to any club that would
have someone like me for a member."
That's the key joke of my adult life
in terms of my relationships with
women. Tsch, you know, lately the
strangest things have been going
through my mind, 'cause I turned
forty, tsch, and I guess I'm going
through a life crisis or something,
I don't know. I, uh... and I'm not
worried about aging. I'm not one o'
those characters, you know. Although
I'm balding slightly on top, that's
about the worst you can say about
me. I, uh, I think I'm gonna get
better as I get older, you know? I
think I'm gonna be the-the balding
virile type, you know, as opposed to
say the, uh, distinguished gray, for
instance, you know? 'Less I'm neither
o' those two. Unless I'm one o' those
guys with saliva dribbling out of
his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria
with a shopping bag screaming about
Annie and I broke up and I-I still
can't get my mind around that. You
know, I-I keep sifting the pieces of
the relationship through my mind and-
and examining my life and tryin' to
figure out where did the screw-up
come, you know, and a year ago we
were... tsch, in love. You know, and-
and-and... And it's funny, I'm not-
I'm not a morose type. I'm not a
you know, I was a reasonably happy
kid, I guess. I was brought up in
Brooklyn during World War II.
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY
Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-
fashioned, cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near
the sofa, holding a cigarette and listening.
(To the doctor)
He's been depressed. All off a sudden,
he can't do anything.
Why are you depressed, Alvy?
Tell Dr. Flicker.
(Young Alvy sits, his
head down. His mother
answers for him)
It's something he read.
(Puffing on his
cigarette and nodding)
Something he read, huh?
(His head still down)
The universe is expanding.
The universe is expanding?
(Looking up at the
Well, the universe is everything,
and if it's expanding, someday it
will break apart and that would be
the end of everything!
Disgusted, his mother looks at him.
What is that your business?
(she turns back to
He stopped doing his homework.
What's the point?
with her hands)
What has the universe got to do with
You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding!
down at Alvy)
It won't be expanding for billions
of years yet, Alvy. And we've gotta
try to enjoy ourselves while we're
Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster
ride built over it. A line of cars move up and then slides
with great speed while out the window of the house a band
shakes a dust mop.
My analyst says I exaggerate my
childhood memories, but I swear I
was brought up underneath the roller-
Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a
comic book while his father sits on the sofa reading the
paper. The house shakes with every move of the roller coaster.
coaster in the Coney Island section
of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for
my personality, which is a little
nervous, I think.
Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three
military men representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines
arm in arm with a blond woman in a skirted bathing suit.
They all turn and run toward the foreground. The girl stops
before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign
over the concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold
Beer, "and the roller coaster is moving in full gear in the
You know, I have a hyperactive
imagination. My mind tends to jump
around a little, and have some trouble
between fantasy and reality.
Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping
into each other as Alvy father stands in the center of the
track directing traffic.
My father ran the bumper-car
(Alvy as a child moves
into the frame driving
a bumper car. He
stops as other cars
bombard him. His
father continues to
direct the traffic)
There-there he is and there I am.
But I-I-I-I used to get my aggression
out through those cars all the time.
Alvy backs up his car off screen.
INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY
The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing
in front of the blackboard. The chalk writing on the board
changes as each teacher lectures. While Alvy speaks, one of
the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.
"2 X 10 = 20" and other arithmetic formulas.
I remember the staff at our public
school. You know, we had a saying,
uh, that "Those who can't do, teach,
and those who can't teach, teach
gym." And... uh, h'h, of course,
those who couldn't do anything, I
think, were assigned to our school.
I must say-
A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned
schoolroom. The blackboard behind her reads "Transportation
Administration. The camera pans her point of view: a group
of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy as a child
sits in a center desk while all around him there is student
activity; there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking,
I always felt my schoolmates were
idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know,
fat little face, and Henrietta
Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the
time. And-and Ivan Ackerman, always
the wrong answer. Always.
Ivan stands up behind his desk.
Seven and three is nine.
Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances
over at him, reacting.
Even then I knew they were just jerks.
(The camera moves
back to the teacher,
who is glaring out
at her students)
In nineteen forty-two I had already
As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and
kiss a young girl. She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing
her cheek, as Alvy moves back to his seat.
Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.
That's the second time this month!
Step up here!
As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from
his seat and moves over to her. Angry, she points with her
hand while the students turn their heads to watch what will
What'd I do?
Step up here!
What'd I do?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy,
now an adult, sitting in the last seat of the second row.
ALVY (AS ADULT)
(First off screen,
then onscreen as
camera moves over to
the back of the
Why, I was just expressing a healthy
(The younger, Alvy
standing next to her)
Six-year-old boys don't have girls
on their minds.
(Still sitting in the
back of the classroom)
The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she
gestures and speaks.
For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud
speaks of a latency period.
Well, I never had a latency period.
I can't help it.
(With young, Alvy
still at her side)
Why couldn't you have been more like
(The camera pans over
to Donald, sitting
up tall in his seat,
then back to the
Now, there was a model boy!
ALVY (AS CHILD)
(Still standing next
to the teacher)
Tell the folks where you are today,
I run a profitable dress company.
Right. Sometimes I wonder where my
classmates are today.
The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting
behind their desks, the teacher standing in the front of the
room. One at a time, the young students rise u from their
desks and speak.
I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing
I sell tallises.
I used to be a heroin addict. Now
I'm a methadone addict.
I'm into leather.
Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk
show. He sits next to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy
man sits on his right. Static is heard throughout the
I lost track of most of my old
schoolmates, but I wound up a
comedian. They did not take me in
the Army. I was, uh... Interestingly
enough, I was-I was four-P.
Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.
Yes. In-in-in-in the event of war,
I'm a hostage.
More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval
INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP
Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table
peeling carrots and talking as she looks off screen.
You always only saw the worst in
people. You never could get along
with anyone at school. You were always
outta step with the world. Even when
you got famous, you still distrusted
EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY
A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones,
a school; people mill about, some strolling and carrying
bundles, others buried. The screen shows the whole length of
the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk beyond. As
the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable
in the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera,
recognizable, finally, as Alvy and his best friend, Rob,
deep in conversation. They eventually move past the camera
and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.
I distinctly heard it. He muttered
under his breath, "Jew."
No, I'm not. We were walking off the
tennis court, and you know, he was
there and me and his wife, and he
looked at her and then they both
looked at me, and under his breath
he said, "Jew."
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick
up on those kind o' things. You know,
I was having lunch with some guys
from NBC, so I said... uh, "Did you
eat yet or what?" and Tom Christie
said, "No, didchoo?" Not, did you,
didchoo eat? Jew? No, not did you
eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?
Ah, Max, you, uh...
Stop calling me Max.
Why, Max? It's a good name for you.
Max, you see conspiracies in
No, I don't! You know, I was in a
record store. Listen to this- so I
know there's this big tall blond
crew-cutted guy and he's lookin' at
me in a funny way and smiling and
he's saying, "Yes, we have a sale
this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,
Wagner- so I know what he's really
tryin' to tell me very significantly
Right, Max. California, Max.
Let's get the hell outta this crazy
Forget it, Max.
We move to sunny L.A. All of show
business is out there, Max.
No, I cannot. You keep bringing it
up, but I don't wanna live in a city
where the only cultural advantage is
that you can make a right turn on a
(Checking his watch)
Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you
gonna be late for meeting Annie?
I'm gonna meet her in front of the
Beekman. I think I have a few minutes
EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY
Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket
taker behind him just inside the glass doors. The sounds of
city traffic, car horns honking, can be heard while he looks
around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather jacket,
walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks
at him, then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and
turns around to look at Alvy again. Alvy looks away, then
back at the man. The man continues to stare. Alvy scratches
his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the
The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.
Hey, you on television?
(Nodding his head)
No. Yeah, once in a while. You know,
What's your name?
(Clearing his throat)
You wouldn't know it. It doesn't
matter. What's the difference?
You were on... uh, the... uh, the
Johnny Carson, right?
Once in a while, you know. I mean,
you know, every now-
What's your name?
Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more
and more people move through the doors of the theater.
I'm... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.
Alvy Singer. It was nice nice...
Thanks very much... for everything.
They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in
turn looks over his shoulder and motions to another man. All
excited now, he points to Alvy and calls out. Alvy looks
This is Alvy Singer!
Fellas... you know-Jesus! Come on!
This guy's on television! Alvy Singer,
right? Am I right?
(Overlapping 1st man)
Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a
break. Jesus Christ!
(Still ignoring Alvy's
This guy's on television.
I need a large polo mallet!
(Moving into the screen)
Who's on television?
This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.
Fellas, what is this-a meeting o'
the teamsters? You know...
(Also ignoring Alvy)
(Holding out a
Can I have your autograph?
You don't want my autograph.
Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.
Make it out to Ralph.
(Taking the matchbook
and pen and writing)
Your girl friend's name is Ralph?
It's for my brudder.
Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-
(To Alvy, overlapping
1st man's speech)
You really Alvy Singer, the... the
Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to
the curb of the sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking
over the traffic noise.
Alvy Singer over here!
A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves
over to it about to get in.
(Overlapping the two
men and stuttering)
I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.
(As Alvy opens the
cab door, the two
men still behind
him, Annie gets out)
Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of
the Panama Canal?
Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood,
Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the
ticket booth of the theater as they continue to talk.
Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast
of "The Godfather."
You're gonna hafta learn to deal
Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named
(They move into the
ticket line, still
talking. A billboard
next to them reads
'FACE TO FACE ,'LIV
Please, I have a headache, all right?
Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you-
you must be getting your period.
I'm not getting my period. Jesus,
every time anything out of the
ordinary happens, you think that I'm
getting my period!
They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of
them buying tickets and walking off screen.
A li-little louder. I think one of
them may have missed it!
(To the ticket clerk)
H'm, has the picture started yet?
It started two minutes ago.
(Hitting his hand on
That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go
Two minutes, Alvy.
No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We-
we've blown it already. I-you know,
uh, I-I can't go in in the middle.
In the middle?
(Alvy nods his head
yes and let's out an
We'll only miss the titles. They're
You wanna get coffee for two hours
or something? We'll go next-
Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in.
I'm going in.
She moves past the ticket clerk.
(Waving to Annie)
Go ahead. Good-bye.
Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.
Look, while we're talking we could
be inside, you know that?
(Watching people with
tickets move past
Hey, can we not stand here and argue
in front of everybody, 'cause I get
Alright. All right, all right, so
whatta you wanna do?
I don't know now. You-you wanna go
to another movie?
(Annie nods her head
and shrugs her
as Alvy, gesturing
with his band, looks
So let's go see The Sorrow and the
Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not
in the mood to see a four-hour
documentary on Nazis.
Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't... I-I-
I've gotta see a picture exactly
from the start to the finish, 'cause-
'cause I'm anal.
H'h, that's a polite word for what
INT. THEATER LOBBY.
A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the
theater, Alvy and Annie among them. A bum of indistinct
chatter can be heard through the ensuing scene.
MAN IN LINE
(Loudly to his
companion right behind
Alvy and Annie)
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best. It lacks
a cohesive structure. You know, you
get the feeling that he's not
absolutely sure what it is he wants
to say. 'Course, I've always felt he
was essentially a-a technical film
maker. Granted, La Strada was a great
film. Great in its use of negative
energy more than anything else. But
that simple cohesive core...
Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get
annoyed, while Annie begins to read her newspaper.
(Overlapping the man's
I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.
Well, stop listening to him.
MAN IN LINE
(Overlapping Alvy and
You know, it must need to have had
its leading from one thought to
another. You know what I'm talking
He's screaming his opinions in my
MAN IN LINE
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits
or Satyricon, I found it incredibly...
indulgent. You know, he really is.
He's one of the most indulgent film
makers. He really is-
Key word here is "indulgent."
MAN IN LINE
without getting... well, let's put
it this way...
(To Annie, who is
overlapping the man
in line who is still
What are you depressed about?
I missed my therapy. I overslept.
How can you possibly oversleep?
The alarm clock.
You know what a hostile gesture that
is to me?
I know- because of our sexual problem,
Hey, you... everybody in line at the
New Yorker has to know our rate of
MAN IN LINE
It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-
I admire the technique but he
doesn't... he doesn't hit me on a
I'd like to hit this guy on a gut
The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and
Stop it, Alvy!
(Wringing his hands)
Well, he's spitting on my neck! You
know, he's spitting on my neck when
MAN IN LINE
And then, the most important thing
of all is a comedian's vision.
And you know something else? You
know, you're so egocentric that if I
miss my therapy you can think of it
in terms of how it affects you!
MAN IN LINE
(Lighting a cigarette
while he talks)
Gal gun-shy is what it is.
(Reacting again to
the man in line)
Probably on their first date, right?
MAN IN LINE
(Still going on)
It's a narrow view.
Probably met by answering an ad in
the New York Review of Books.
"Thirtyish academic wishes to meet
woman who's interested in Mozart,
James Joyce and sodomy."
(He sighs; then to
Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?
I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal
for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual
problem! Okay, my sexual problem!
The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks
I never read that. That was-that was
Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the
sequel to Turn of the Screw? My
MAN IN LINE
(Even louder now)
It's the influence of television.
Yeah, now Marshall McLuhan deals
with it in terms of it being a-a
high, uh, high intensity, you
understand? A hot medium... as
opposed to a...
(More and more
What I wouldn't give for a large
sock o' horse manure.
MAN IN LINE
...as opposed to a print...
Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and
stands facing the camera.
(Sighing and addressing
What do you do when you get stuck in
a movie line with a guy like this
behind you? I mean, it's just
The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience
MAN IN LINE
Wait a minute, why can't I give my
opinion? It's a free country!
I mean, d- He can give you- Do you
hafta give it so loud? I mean, aren't
you ashamed to pontificate like that?
And- and the funny part of it is, M-
Marshall McLuhan, you don't know
anything about Marshall McLuhan's...
MAN IN LINE
Wait a minute! Really? Really? I
happen to teach a class at Columbia
called "TV Media and Culture"! So I
think that my insights into Mr.
McLuhan- well, have a great deal of
Oh, do yuh?
MAN IN LINE
Well, that's funny, because I happen
to have Mr. McLuhan right here. So...
so, here, just let me- I mean, all
right. Come over here... a second.
Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in
line to the back of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a
large stand-up movie poster and pulls Marshall McLuhan from
behind the poster.
MAN IN LINE
(To the man in line)
I hear- I heard what you were saying.
You-you know nothing of my work. You
mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How
you ever got to teach a course in
anything is totally amazing.
(To the camera)
Boy, if life were only like this!
INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN
Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.
THE SORROW AND THE PITY CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972 MARCEL OPHULS,
ANDRE HARRIS, 1969 Chronicle of a French town during the
(Over credits and
June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the
German army occupies Paris. All over
the country, people are desperate
for every available scrap of news.
Annie is sitting up in bed reading.
Boy, those guys in the French
Resistance were really brave, you
know? Got to listen to Maurice
Chevalier sing so much.
M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask
myself how I'd stand up under torture.
You? You kiddin'?
(He moves into the
frame, lying across
the bed to touch,
Annie, who makes a
If the Gestapo would take away your
Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd
tell 'em everything.
That movie makes me feel guilty.
Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.
He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues
What-what-what-what's the matter?
I-you know, I don't wanna.
What-what-I don't... It's not natural!
We're sleeping in a bed together.
You know, it's been a long time.
I know, well, it's just that- you
know, I mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing
tomorrow night, so I have to rest my
It's always some kind of an excuse.
It's- You know, you used to think
that I was very sexy. What... When
we first started going out, we had
sex constantly... We're-we're probably
listed in the Guinness Book of World
(Patting Alvy's band
I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll
pass, it's just that I'm going through
a phase, that's all.
I mean, you've been married before,
you know how things can get. You
were very hot for Allison at first.
INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.
Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping
to talk to various people. Musicians, performers and
technicians mill about, busy with activity. Allison wears a
large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds
of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard,
occasionally, interrupted by chatter and applause from the
off screen audience. Allison stops to talk to two women;
they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.
(Looking down at the
Ma'am, you're on right after this
man... about twenty minutes, something
Oh, thank you.
Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the
shoulder; she turns to face him.
Excuse... excuse me, when do I go
(Looking down at the
Who are you?
Alvy... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.
Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh... you're
(Rubbing his hands
What do you mean, next?
Uh ... I mean you're on right after
No, it can't be, because he's a comic.
So what are you telling me, you're
putting on two comics in a row?
No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I
can't... I don't wanna go on after
No, because they're-they're laughing,
(He starts laughing
I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't
mind, I prefer-
Will you relax, please? They're gonna
love you, I know.
I prefer not to, because... look,
they're laughing at him. See, so
what are yuh telling me-
They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.
that I've got to... ah... ah...
They're gonna laugh at him for a
couple minutes, then I gotta go out
there, I gotta ... get laughs, too.
How much can they laugh?
They-they they're laughed out.
Do you feel all right?
As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts
to their point of view: a comedian standing at a podium in
front of huge waving pictures of Adlai Stevenson. The
audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in
clusters around the room.
The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage.
Alvy is swinging his hands nervously.
(Off screen, onstage)
Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the
background mill about.
(Above the chatter
Look, what's your- what's your name?
...General Eisenhower is not...
(Looking out at the
Yeah? Allison what?
(Still looking off
...a group from the ...
Thank you. I-I don't know why they
would have me at this kind of rally
(He clears his throat)
Excuse me, I'm not essentially a
political comedian at all.
The audience starts to laugh.
I... interestingly had, uh, dated...
a woman in the Eisenhower
Administration... briefly... and,
uh, it was ironic to me 'cause, uh...
tsch... 'cause I was trying to, u-u-
uh, do to her what Eisenhower has
been doing to the country for the
last eight years.
The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.
Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books
all over the room; a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls.
Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits on the edge of the bed.
Allison looks at him.
H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through
with this, because it-I can't get it
off my mind, Allison... it's obsessing
Well, I'm getting tired of it. I
need your attention.
Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around
the room, gesturing with his hands.
It-but it-it... doesn't make any
sense. He drove past the book
depository and the police said
conclusively that it was an exit
wound. So-how is it possible for
Oswald to have fired from two angles
at once? It doesn't make sense.
Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs.
He then snaps his fingers and starts walking again.
I'll tell you this! He was not
marksman enough to hit a moving target
at that range. But...
(Clears his throat)
if there was a second assassin... it-
Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as
Allison gets up from the bed and retrieves a pack of
cigarettes from a bookshelf.
We've been through this.
If they-they recovered the shells
from that rifle.
(Moving back to the
bed and lighting a
Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,
now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the
Warren Commission is in on this
Well, why not?
Yeah, Earl Warren?
(Moving toward the
Hey... honey, I don't know Earl
(Propping one knee on
the bed and gesturing)
L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a
politician. You know the ethics those
guys have? It's like-uh, a notch
underneath child molester.
Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?
(Nodding his head)
The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar
Hoover and oil companies and the
Pentagon and the men's-room attendant
at the White House?
Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed
and starts walking again.
I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-
You're using this conspiracy theory
as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
Oh, my God!
(Then, to the camera)
She's right! Why did I turn off
Allison Portchnik? She was-she was
beautiful. She was willing. She was
Is it the old Groucho Marx joke?
That-that I-I just don't wanna belong
to any club that would have someone
like me for a member?
EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY
Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned
exterior of a beach house in the Hamptons. As they continue
to talk, the camera moves inside the house. Alvy is picking
up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters crawling
on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and
bags of groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and
chairs near the refrigerator.
Alvy, now don't panic. Please.
Look, I told you it was a... mistake
to ever bring a live thing in the
Stop it! Don't... don't do that!
The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, holding
out a wooden paddle, tries to shove them onto it.
Well, maybe we should just call the
police. Dial nine-one-one, it's the
Come on, Alvy, they're only baby
ones, for God's sake.
If they're only babies, then you
pick 'em up.
Oh, all right. All right! It's all
She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the
tail. Laughing, she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward,
Don't give it to me. Don't!
Oooh! Here! Here!
Look! Look, one crawled behind the
refrigerator. It'll turn up in our
bed at night.
(They move over to
Alvy moves as close
to the wall as
possible as Annie,
covering her mouth
teasingly dangles a
lobster in front of
Will you get outta here with that
(Laughing, to the
Talk to him. You speak shellfish!
(He moves over to the
stove and takes the
lid of a large steamer
filled with boiling
Hey, look... put it in the pot.
I can't! I can't put him in the pot.
I can't put a live thing in hot water.
Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-
what's he think we're gonna do, take
him to the movies?
Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully
and drops it gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back
(Overlapping Alvy and
Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now
Okay, it's in. It's definitely in
All right. All right. All right.
She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another
lobster. Smiling, she places it on the counter as Alvy stands
beside the refrigerator trying to push it from the wall.
Annie, there's a big lobster behind
the refrigerator. I can't get it
out. This thing's heavy. Maybe if I
put a little dish of butter sauce
here with a nutcracker, it will run
out the other side, you know what I
Yeah. I'm gonna get my... I'm gonna
get my camera.
You know, I-I think... if I could
pry this door off... We shoulda gotten
steaks 'cause they don't have legs.
They don't run around.
Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks
up the paddle. Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up
knocking over dishes and hitting the chandelier. Holding the
paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.
Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of
Ooooh! These are... p-p-p-pick this
lobster up. Hold it, please!
All right! All right! All right!
All right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh
gonna take pictures now?
It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy,
it'll be wonderful... Ooooh, lovely!
(Picking up the lobster
Annie placed on the
All right, here! Oh, God, it's
Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking
out his tongue and making a face.
Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy,
please, one more picture.
picks up the lobster
again as Annie takes
Oh, oh, good, good!
EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.
The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.
So, so-well, here's what I wanna
(He clears his throat)
Am I your first big romance?
Oh... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.
Well, then, w-who was?
Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis,
from Chippewa Falls High School.
FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT
Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS'"
on the marquee. He looks at his watch as the younger Annie,
in a beehive hairdo, moves into the frame. They kiss quickly
and look at each other, smiling.
Dennis-right, uh, uh... local kid
probably, would meetcha in front of
the movie house on Saturday night.
Oh, God, you should've seen what I
looked like then.
(Off screen, laughing)
Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the
wife of an astronaut.
Then there was Jerry, the actor.
FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT
The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is
running his hand down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk
into the room, observing the younger Annie, in jeans and T-
shirt, with Jerry.
Look at you, you-you're such a clown.
I look pretty.
Well, yeah, you always look pretty,
but that guy with you...
Acting is like an exploration of the
soul. I-it's very religious. Uh,
like, uh, a kind of liberating
consciousness. It's like a visual
Is he kidding with that crap?
Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I
know exactly what you mean, when you
(Incredulous, to Annie)
Oh, come on-I mean, I was still
Hey, that was last year.
It's like when I think of dying.
You know how I would like to die?
I'd like to get torn apart by wild
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific
actor, and look at him, he's neat-
looking and he was emotional... Y-
hey, I don't think you like emotion
Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down
to the floor as she raises her foot toward his chest.
Touch my heart... with your foot.
I-I may throw up!
CUT BACK TO:
It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The
camera moves over the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy
and Annie are heard as they walk, the camera always one step
ahead of them.
He was creepy.
Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky
I came along.
Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!
La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever
told me that I would be taking out a
girl who used expressions like "la-
Oh, that's right. That you really
like those New York girls.
Well, no... not just, not only.
Oh, I'd say so. You married-
INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT
A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests
as Alvy and Robin make their way through the people. A waiter,
carrying a tray, walks past them. Alvy reaches out to pick
up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks it of the tray first.
There is much low-key chatter in the background.
two of them.
There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair
in history at Princeton. Oh, the
short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He
has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
Yeah, two more chairs and they got a
Why are you so hostile?
'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on
Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be
nice to the host because he's
publishing my book. Hi, Doug! Douglas
Wyatt. "A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-
They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one
hand, her arm draped in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.
(Taking Robin's hand)
I'm so tired of spending evenings
making fake insights with people who
work for Dysentery.
Oh, really, I heard that Commentary
and Dissent had merged and formed
No jokes-these are friends, okay?
Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on
Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the
New York Knicks.
Robin enters the room, slamming the door.
Here you are. There's people out
Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two
minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead
fourteen points, and now...
(Clears his throat)
they're ahead two points.
Alvy, what is so fascinating about a
group of pituitary cases trying to
stuff the ball through a hoop?
(Looking at Robin)
What's fascinating is that it's
physical. You know, it's one thing
about intellectuals, they prove that
you can be absolutely brilliant and
have no idea what's going on. But on
the other hand...
(Clears his throat)
the body doesn't lie, as-as we now
Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses
her and moves farther up on the bed.
Stop acting out.
She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-
No, it'll be great! It'll be great,
be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in
there, you know, like... discussing
models of alienation and we'll be in
here quietly humping.
He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself
Alvy, don't! You're using sex to
"Why-why do you always r-reduce my
animal urges to psychoanalytic
(Clears his throat)
he said as he removed her
(Pulling away again)
There are people out there from The
New Yorker magazine. My God! What
would they think?
She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and
moves toward the door.
Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness. Outside,
a siren starts blaring.
Oh, I'm sorry!
Don't get upset!
Dammit! I was so close.
She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side. Alvy
turns to her.
Jesus, last night it was some guy
honking his car horn. I mean, the
city can't close down. You know,
what-whatta yuh gonna do, h-have 'em
shut down the airport, too? No more
flights so we can have sex?
(Reaching over for
her eyeglasses on
the night table)
I'm too tense. I need a Valium. My
analyst says I should live in the
country and not in New York.
Well, I can't li- We can't have this
discussion all the time. The country
makes me nervous. There's... You got
crickets and it-it's quiet... there's
no place to walk after dinner, and...
uh, there's the screens with the
dead moths behind them, and... uh,
yuh got the-the Manson family
possibly, yuh got Dick and Terry-
Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks
I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn
She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the
Hey, come on, it's quiet now. We can-
we can start again.
My head is throbbing.
Oh, you got a headache!
I have a headache.
Oswald and ghosts.
He begins to get out of bed.
Where are you going?
Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in
a series of cold showers.
EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB.
Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door
of the locker room to the lobby. They are dressed in tennis
whites. They walk toward the indoor court.
Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to
Right, right, so g-get back to what
we were discussing, the failure of
the country to get behind New York
City is-is anti-Semitism.
Max, the city is terribly worried.
But the- I'm not discussing politics
or economics. This is foreskin.
No, no, no, Max, that's a very
convenient out. Every time some group
disagrees with you it's because of
Don't you see? The rest of the country
looks upon New York like we're-we're
left-wing Communist, Jewish,
homosexual, pornographers. I think
of us that way, sometimes, and I-I
Max, if we lived in California, we
could play outdoors every day, in
Sun is bad for yuh. Everything our
parents said was good is bad. Sun,
milk, red meat, college...
INT. TENNIS COURT
Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding
tennis rackets and balls. They are chattering and giggling.
I know, but ooh- here he comes.
Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women.
Rob kisses Janet and makes introduction.
You know Alvy?
Oh, hi, Alvy.
How are yuh?
You know Annie?
I'm sorry. This is Annie Hall.
Annie and Alvy shake hands.
(Eager to begin)
Who's playing who here? Alvy Well,
uh... you and me against them?
Well... so... I can't play too good,
I've had four lessons!
The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie
moving to the other side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing
where they are. They start to play mixed doubles, each taking
turns and playing well. At one point in the game, Annie starts
to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward
(Hitting the ball
Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag. One knee is on
the bench and his back is turned from the entrance. Annie
walks toward the entrance door dressed in street clothes and
carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder. Seeing Alvy, she
stops and turns.
Hi. Hi, hi.
(Looking over his
Hi. Oh, hi. Hi.
(Hands clasped in
front of her, smiling)
Well, bye. She laughs and backs up
slowly toward the door.
(Clearing his throat)
You-you play... very well.
Oh, yeah? So do you. Oh, God, whatta-
(Making sounds and
whatta dumb thing to say, right? I
mean, you say it, "You play well,"
and right away... I have to say well.
Oh, oh... God, Annie.
(She gestures with
Well... oh, well... la-de-da, la-de-
She turns around and moves toward the door.
(Still looking over
Uh... you-you wanna lift?
(Turning and aiming
her thumb over her
Oh, why-uh... y-y-you gotta car?
No, um... I was gonna take a cab.
Oh, no, I have a car.
You have a car?
(Annie smiles, hands
folded in front of
(Clears his throat)
I don't understand why... if you
have a car, so then-then wh-why did
you say "Do you have a car?"... like
you wanted a lift?
I don't... Geez, I don't know, I've...
I wa- This... yeah, I got this VW
(Laughing and gesturing
toward the door)
What a jerk, yeah. Would you like a
(Zipping up his bag)
Sure. W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?
Me? Oh, downtown!
Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.
Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.
Uh, well, you just said you were
Yeah, well, I'm, but I...
Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns
his bag around, the handle of the tennis racket hits Annie
between the legs.
I mean, I can go uptown, too. I live
uptown, but... uh, what the hell, I
mean, it'd be nice having company,
you know I mean, I hate driving alone.
They walk out the door.
EXT. NEW YORK STREET- DAY
Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street
near the East River.
So, how long do you know Janet?
Where do you know her from?
Oh, I'm in her acting class.
Oh - you're an actress.
Well, I do commercials, sort of...
She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way.
A horn blows.
I, uh... well, you're not from New
No, Chippewa Falls.
Uh, you're driving a-
Uh, don't worry, I'm a very-
(A car moves closer
to the VW, almost on
top of it in the
Annie swerves away
at the very last
a very good driver.
(Alvy rubs his head
out the window as
Annie speeds along)
So, listen-hey, you want some gum,
Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.
No, no thanks. Hey, don't-
Well, where is it? I-
No, no, no, no, you just... just
watch the road. I'll get it-
They both fumble around in her pocketbook. Alvy looks up to
see the entire front of a truck in Annie's windshield. She
swerves just in time.
Okay, that's good.
Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down
the city streets.
I'll getcha a piece.
Yeah... so, listen-you drive?
Do I drive? Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta
problem with driving.
Oh, you do?
Yeah. I got, uh, I got a license but
I have too much hostility.
(A bit rapidly)
You keep it nice.
(He pulls a half-eaten
sandwich out of her
Can I ask you, is this-is this a
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds
I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!
There's a parking space!
With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the
parking spot. Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his
shoulder as he leaves the car.
That's okay, you... we-we can walk
to the curb from here.
Don't be funny.
You want your tennis stuff?
Huh? Oh... yeah.
You want your gear? Here you go.
Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis
equipment. He hands her her things. People pass by on the
Yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot. Well...
Well, thanks, thank you. You-you're
a wonderful tennis player.
Alvy shakes hands with Annie.
You're the worst driver I've ever
seen in my life... that's including
any place... the worst... Europe,
United... any place... Asia.
And I love what you're wearin'.
Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.
Oh, you do? Yeah? Oh, well, it's
uh... this is, uh... this tie is a
present, from Grammy Hall.
Annie flips the bottom of the tie.
Who? Grammy? Grammy Hall?
(Laughing and nodding
Yeah, my grammy.
You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did
you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell
Yeah, I know.
I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?
Jesus, my-my grammy... n-never gave
gifts, you know. She-she was too
busy getting raped by Cossacks.
Well... thank you again.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll see yuh.
Hey, well, listen... hey, you wanna
come upstairs and, uh... and have a
glass of wine and something? Aw, no,
I mean... I mean, you don't have to,
you're probably late and everything
No, no, that'll be fine. I don't
No, I got time.
Sure, I got... I got nothing, uh,
nothing till my analyst's appointment.
They move toward Annie's apartment building.
Oh, you see an analyst?
Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years.
Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one
more year and then I'm goin' to
Fifteen-aw, come on, you're... yeah,
INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT
Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment. There are lots
of books, framed photographs on the white wall. A terrace
can be seen from the window. He picks up a copy of Ariet, by
Sylvia Plath, as Annie comes out of the kitchen carrying two
glasses. She hands them to Alvy.
Interesting poetess whose tragic
suicide was misinterpreted as
romantic, by the college-girl
Right. Well, I don't know, I mean,
uh, some of her poems seem - neat,
Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is
nineteen seventy-five, you know that
"neat" went out, I would say, at the
turn of the century.
Who-who are-who are those photos on
(Moving over to the
Oh... oh, well, you see now now, uh,
that's my dad, that's Father-and
that's my... brother, Duane.
Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is
Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.
Well, who's Sadie?
Sadie? Oh, well, Sadie...
Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through
Grammy's brother George. Uh, George
was real sweet, you know, he had
that thing. What is that thing where
you, uh, where you, uh, fall asleep
in the middle of a sentence, you
know-what is it? Uh...
Narcolepsy, right, right. Right.
So, anyway, so...
George, uh, went to the union, see,
to get his free turkey, be-because,
uh, the union always gave George
this big turkey at Christmas time
because he was...
(Annie points her
fingers to each side
of her head,
was a little crazy)
shell-shocked, you know what I mean,
in the First World War.
she opens a cabinet
door and takes out a
bottle of wine)
Anyway, so, so...
(Laughing through the
George is standing in line, oh, just
a sec... uh, getting his free turkey,
but the thing is, he falls asleep
and he never wakes up. So, so...
so, he's dead ...
he's dead. Yeah. Oh, dear. Well,
terrible, huh, wouldn't you say? I
mean, that's pretty unfortunate.
Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her
Yeah, it's a great story, though, I
mean, I... I... it really made my
day. Hey, I think I should get outta
here, you know, 'cause I think I'm
imposing, you know...
Oh, really? Oh, well... uh, uh, maybe,
uh, maybe, we, uh...
...and... uh, yeah, uh... uh, you
They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the
glasses, Annie the wine. They stand in front of the railing,
Annie pouring the wine into the held-out glasses.
Well, I mean, you don't have to, you
No, I know, but... but, you know,
I'm all perspired and everything.
Well, didn't you take, uh... uh, a
shower at the club?
Me? No, no, no, 'cause I never shower
in a public place.
'Cause I don't like to get naked in
front of another man, you know-it's,
Oh, I see, I see.
You know, I don't like to show my
body to a man of my gender-
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see. I guess-
'cause, uh, you never know what's
(Sipping her wine and
Fifteen years, huh?
Fifteen years, yeah.
Yeah. Oh, God bless!
They put their glasses together in a toast.
You're what Grammy Hall would call a
(Clearing his throat)
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, well... you- She hates Jews.
She thinks that they just make money,
but let me tell yuh, I mean, she's
the one yeah, is she ever. I'm tellin'
(pointing toward the
apartment after a
So, did you do shoot the photographs
in there or what?
(Nodding, her hand on
Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around,
Annie's thoughts pop on the screen as she talks: I dabble?
Listen to me-what a jerk!
They're... they're... they're
wonderful, you know. They have...
they have, uh... a... a quality.
As do Alvy's: You are a great-looking girl
Well, I-I-I would-I would like to
take a serious photography course
Again, Annie's thoughts pop on: He probably thinks I'm a yo-
Photography's interesting, 'cause,
you know, it's-it's a new art form,
and a, uh, a set of aesthetic criteria
have not emerged yet.
And Alvy's: I wonder what she looks like naked?
Aesthetic criteria? You mean, whether
it's, uh, good photo or not?
I'm not smart enough for him. Hang in there
The-the medium enters in as a
condition of the art form itself.
I don't know what I'm saying-she senses I'm shallow
Well, well, I... to me-I... I mean,
it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you
know. I mean, I just try to uh, feel
it, you know? I try to get a sense
of it and not think about it so much.
God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a shmuck like the others
Still, still we- You need a set of
aesthetic guide lines to put it in
social perspective, I think.
Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax.
They're quiet for a moment, holding wine glasses and sipping.
The sounds of distant traffic from the street can be heard
on the terrace. Annie, laughing, speaks first.
Well, I don't know. I mean, I guess-
I guess you must be sorta late, huh?
You know, I gotta get there and begin
whining soon... otherwise I- Hey...
well, are you busy Friday night?
Me? Oh, uh.
(Putting his band on
Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have
something. Well, what about Saturday
Oh... nothing. Not-no, no!
Oh, you... you're very popular, I
Gee, boy, what do you have? You have
Well, I mean, I meet a lot of...
jerks, you know-
Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.
what I mean?
think that's, uh-
But I'm thinking about getting some
cats, you know, and then they... Oh,
wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean
oh, shoot! No, Saturday night I'm
gonna sing. Yeah.
You're gonna sing? Do you sing? Well,
no, it isn't
this is my first time. Oh, really?
Where? I'd like to come.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No, I'm
Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning
sort of at club. I don't-
No, so help me.
it's my first time.
That's okay, 'cause I know exactly
what that's like. Listen-
you're gonna like night clubs, they're
really a lotta fun.
INT. NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT
Annie stands on center stage with a microphone, a pianist
behind her. A bright light is focused on her; the rest of
the club is in darkness. There are the typical sounds and
movements of a nightclub audience: low conversation, curling
smoke, breaking glass, microphone hum, moving chairs, waiters
clattering trays, a ringing phone as Annie sings "It Had to
EXT. CITY STREET-NIGHT.
Alvy and Annie walk quickly down the sidewalk.
I was awful. I'm so ashamed! I can't
Oh, listen, so the audience was a
Whatta you mean, a tad restless?
Oh, my God, I mean, they hated me.
No, they didn't. You have a wonderful
No, I'm gonna quit!
No, I'm not gonna letcha. You have a
Really, do you think so, really?
Yeah, you know something? I never
even took a lesson, either.
They stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Alvy turns Annie
around to face him.
Hey, listen, listen.
Gimme a kiss.
Yeah, why not, because we're just
gonna go home later, right?
And-and uh, there's gonna be all
that tension. You know, we never
kissed before and I'll never know
when to make the right move or
anything. So we'll kiss now we'll
get it over with and then we'll go
Oh, all right.
And we'll digest our food better.
So now we can digest our food.
They turn and start walking again.
We can digest our-
Annie and Alvy sit down in a booth. The deli is fairly well
lit and crowded. Conversation, plates clattering, can be
heard over the dialogue. The waiter comes over to them to
take their order.
(To the waiter)
I'm gonna have a corned beef.
(To the waiter)
Yeah... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a
pastrami on white bread with, uh,
mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce.
makes a face as the
Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left
you and, uh, were you depressed about
Nothing that a few mega-vitamins
Oh. And your first wife was Allison?
My first... Yes, she was nice, but
you know, uh, it was my fault. I was
just... I was too crazy.
INT. DARKENED BEDROOM-NIGHT
Alvy and Annie in bed together.
M'm, that was so nice. That was nice.
As Balzac said...
"There goes another novel."
Jesus, you were great.
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.
(She turns and looks
at Alvy, then laughs)
You're a wreck.
Really. I mean it. I-I'll never play
the piano again.
(Lighting a joint and
You're really nuts. I don't know,
you really thought it was good?
Good? I was-
No, that was the most fun I've ever
had without laughing.
Here, you want some?
No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any
major hallucinogenics because I took
a puff like five years ago at a party
I tried to take my pants off over my
Oh, I don't know, I don't really. I
don't do it very often, you know,
just sort of, er... relaxes me at
(He pushes himself up
from the bed and
looks down at Annie)
You're not gonna believe this, but-
Annie and Alvy browsing in crowded bookstore. Alvy, carrying
two books, "Death and Western Thought" and "The Denial of
Death", moves over to where Annie is looking.
I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I
think, because I-I think you should
read them. You know, instead of that
(Looking at the books
Alvy is bolding)
that's pretty serious stuff there.
Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm,
I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with
death, I think. Big-
big subject with me, yeah.
They move over to the cashier line.
I've a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if
we're gonna go out, you know. I-I-I
feel that life is-is divided up into
the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories...
...you know, they're- The-the horrible
would be like, uh, I don't know,
terminal cases, you know?
And blind people, crippled...
I don't-don't know how they get
through life. It's amazing to me.
You know, and the miserable is
everyone else. That's-that's all. So-
so when you go through life you should
be thankful that you're miserable,
because that's- You're very lucky...
...to be miserable.
It's a beautiful sunny day in Central Park. People are sitting
on benches, others strolling, some walking dogs. One woman
stands feeding cooing pigeons. Alvy's and Annie's voices are
heard off screen as they observe the scene before them. An
older man and woman walk into view.
Look, look at that guy.
When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach,
there, you know?
(Over Annie's laughter)
He's the latest! just came back from
the gin-rummy farm last night. He
M'hm. Yeah. Yeah.
The camera shows them sitting side by side relaxed on a bench.
(Watching two men
approach, one lighting
Look at these guys.
Oh, that's hilarious. They're back
from Fire Island. They're... they're
sort of giving it a chance-you know
what I mean?
Oh! Italian, right?
Yeah, he's the Mafia. Linen Supply
Business or Cement and Contract, you
know what I mean?
No, I'm serious.
(Over Annie's laughter)
I just got my mustache wet.
(As another man walks
And there's the winner of the Truman
Capote look-alike contest.
Alvy and Annie walk almost in silhouette along the dock, the
New York City skyline in the background. Alvy has his arm
around Annie and they walk slowly.
No one else is around.
You see, like you and I...
You are extremely sexy.
No, I'm not.
Unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are.
Because... you know what you are?
You're-you're polymorphously perverse.
Well, what does-what does that mean?
I don't know what that is.
Uh... uh, you're-you're exceptional
in bed because you got -you get
pleasure in every part of your body
when I touch you.
They stop walking. Holding Annie's arms, Alvy turns her to
face him. The South Street Bridge, lit up for the night, is
in the background.
You know what I mean? Like the tip
o'your nose, and if I stroke your
teeth or your kneecaps... you get
Yeah. You know what? You know, I
like you, I really mean it. I really
do like you.
You- Do you love me?
Do I love you?
That's the key question.
I know you've only known me a short
Well, I certainly... I think that's
very- Yeah, yeah...
yeah. Do you love me?
I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a
word for what...
I love you.
(Over Annie's laughter)
You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you.
(Over Annie's laughter)
I-I have to invent- Of course I love
(Putting his arms
around her neck)
Don't you think I do?
They kiss as a foghorn sounds in the distance.
INT. ALVY'S APARTMENT
Alvy, somewhat distraught, is following Annie around his
apartment, which is filled with boxes and suitcases, clothes
and framed pictures. They both carry cartons.
Whatta you mean? You're not gonna
give up your own apartment, are you?
(Putting down the
Yeah, bu-bu-but why?
Well, I mean, I'm moving in with
you, that's why.
Yeah, but you-you got a nice
I have a tiny apartment.
Yeah, I know it's small.
(Picking up the
suitcases and walking
into the bedroom)
That's right, and it's got bad
plumbing and bugs.
(Picking up some
pictures and following
Annie into the bedroom)
All right, granted, it has bad
plumbing and bugs, but you-you say
that like it's a negative thing. You
know, bugs are-are-uh, entomology is
tosses the suitcases
and some loose
clothing onto the
bed. She sits down
on the edge, looking
away. Alvy walks in,
pictures and carton
in band, still talking)
...rapidly growing field.
You don't want me to live with you?
How- I don't want you to live with
me? How- Whose idea was it?
Ye-ah. Was it... It was yours
actually, but, uh, I approved it
I guess you think that I talked you
into something, huh?
(putting pictures on
No-what, what...? I... we live
together, we sleep together, we eat
together. Jesus, you don't want it
to be like we're married, do yuh?
He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and
reaches in. He starts tossing books off screen.
(Looking up at Alvy)
How is it any different?
It's different 'cause you keep your
(Holding a book, he
starts walking around
Because you know it's there, we don't
have to go to it, we don't have to
deal with it, but it's like a-a-a
free-floating life raft... that we
know that we're not married.
He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window
(Still sitting on the
That little apartment is four hundred
dollars a month, Alvy.
(Looking at Annie)
That place is four hundred dollars a
Yes, it is.
It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Jesus, I'll-My accountant will write
it off as a tax deduction, I'll pay
(Shaking her head)
You don't think I'm smart enough to
be serious about.
Hey, don't be ridiculous.
Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.
Then why are you always pushing me
to take those college courses like I
was dumb or something?
(Putting his hand to
'Cause adult education's a wonderful
thing. You meet a lotta interesting
professors. You know, it's
EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY
Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse.
The camera moves with them as they pass a house with a lighted
window, blooming foliage. There is no dialogue, but it is a
comfortable quiet. Classical music plays in the background.
INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT
Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom,
is browsing through a school catalogue. Alvy lies in bed
Does this sound like a good course?
Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh,
or, uh-let's see now... maybe I
should, uh, take "Introduction to
Just don't take any course where
they make you read Beowulf.
Hey, listen, what-what do you think?
Do you think we should, uh, go to
that-that party in Southampton
Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.
No, don't be silly. What-what do we
need other people for?
(He puts his arms
around her neck,
kissing her, Annie
making muffled sounds)
You know, we should-we should just
turn out the lights, you know, and
play hide and seek or something.
Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna
get a cigarette, okay?
(Yelling out to her
as she leaves the
Yeah, grass, right? The illusion
that it will make a white woman more
like Billie Holiday.
Well, have you ever made love high?
Me, no. You... I-I-you know, if I
have grass or alcohol or anything I
get unbearably wonderful. I get too,
too wonderful for words. You know, I
don't-I don't know why you have to,
uh, get high every time we make love.
(Moving back into the
room and lighting a
It relaxes me.
Oh, you-you have to be artificially
relaxed before we can go to bed?
(Closing the door)
Well, what's the difference, anyway?
Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium
pentothal. You can sleep through it.
Oh, come on, look who's talking.
You've been seeing a psychiatrist
for fifteen years.
(She gets into bed
and takes a puff of
You should smoke some o' this. You'd
be off the couch in no time.
Oh, come, you don't need that.
Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes
the weed from her.
What are you doing?
No, no, no, what... You can once,
you can live without it once. Come
Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please.
(Laughing and making
M'm, wait, I got a great idea.
(He gets up and goes
over to the closet,
taking out a light
bulb. He goes back
to the bed and turns
out the lamp on the
Hang in there for a second. I got a
little-little artifact. A little
erotic artifact, that-that I brought
up from the city, which I think, uh,
is gonna be perfect.
(He turns the lamp
back on, having
replaced the bulb
with the red one
from the closet)
I just... there... There's a little
Old New Orleans... essence. Now-now
we can go about our business here
and we can even develop photographs
if we want to. There, now there.
(He undresses and
crawls into bed,
taking Annie in his
M'mmm. M'mmm. Hey, is something wrong?
I don't know. You- It's like you're-
No, I'm fine.
As Annie speaks, her inner self (ghostlike, moves up from
the bed and) sits down on a chair, watching.
I don't know, but you seem sort of
Let's just do it, all right?
(Kissing and caressing
Is it my imagination or are you just
going through the motions?
Alvy, do you remember where I put my
drawing pad? Because while you two
are doing that, I think I'm gonna do
You see, that's what I call removed.
Oh, you have my body.
Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.
I want the whole thing.
Well, I need grass and so do you.
Well, it ruins it for me if you have
(Clearing his throat)
because, you know, I'm, like, a
so if I get a laugh from a person
who's high, it doesn't count. You
know-'cause they're always laughin'.
Were you always funny?
Hey, what is this-an interview? We're
supposed to be making love.
A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office
building. Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room.
The agent, chewing a cigar, sits behind his desk talking to
one of his clients, a comedian, who stands with his hands in
his pockets. A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair nearby
This guy is naturally funny. I think
he can write for you.
(Buttoning his jacket)
Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me
you're really good. Well, lemme
explain a little bit o' how I work.
You know, you can tell right off the
bat that I don't look like a funny
guy when I come-you know, like some
o' the guys that come out. You know,
they're gonna tell yuh their stories,
you're gonna fall down, but I gotta
be really talented. Material's gotta
be sensational for me 'cause I work,
you know, with very, very... Come
on, I'm kinda classy, you know what
I mean? Uh... uh... lemme explain.
For instance, I open with an opening
song. A musical start like
and I walk out
"Place looks wonderful from here and
you folks look wonderful from here!
"And seein' you there With a smile
on your face Makes me shout This
must be the place." Then I stop right
in the middle and then I open with
some jokes. Now, that's where I need
you, right there. For instance, like
I say, "Hey, I just got back from
Canada, you know, they speak a lotta
French up there. The only way to
remember Jeanne d'Arc means the
light's out in the bathroom!"
(He laughs. Seated
Alvy looks up smiling)
"Oh, I met a big lumberjack..."
Jesus, this guy's pathetic.
(To himself while the
comic continues his
Look at him mincing around, like he
thinks he's real cute. You wanna
throw up. If only I had the nerve to
do my own jokes. I don't know how
much longer I can keep this smile
frozen on my face. I'm in the wrong
business, I know it.
"'Cherie, come back. I love you.
(Shaking his lips and
But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with
this, uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie,
sometime you make me so mad."'
Oh, they scream at that. Now, write
me somethin' like that, will yuh?
Kinda French number, can yuh do it?
INT. THEATER - NIGHT
The darkened auditorium is filled with college students
applauding and cheering, excited, as Alvy stands on
spotlighted stage holding the microphone.
W-where am I? I-I keep... I have to
reorient myself. This is the
University of Wisconsin, right? So
I'm always... I'm tense and... uh,
when I'm playin' a col- I've a very
bad history with colleges. You know,
I went to New York University and,
uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my
freshman year... for cheating on my
metaphysics final. You know, I looked
within the soul of the boy sitting
next to me-
(The audience laughs;
they're with him)
and when I was thrown out, my mother,
who's an emotionally high-strung
woman, locked herself in the bathroom
and took an overdose of mah-jongg
(More applause and
And, uh, tsch, I was depressed. I
was... in analysis, I-I, uh, was
suicidal; as a matter of fact, uh, I
would have killed myself but I was
in analysis with a strict Freudian
and if you kill yourself... they
make you pay for the sessions you
INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.
Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for
autographs. Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering
Alvy, you were... Alvy, you were
just great, I'm not kidding. It was-
You were so neat.
C-c-coll- College audiences are so
Yeah. Yeah. And you know something?
I think that I'm starting to get
more of your references, too.
Well, the twelve o'clock show is
completely different than the nine.
May I have your autograph?
(Over lapping above
(To Annie, while
You're so sure about it.
Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward
to tomorrow. I mean, you know, I
think that it'll be really nice to
meet Mother and Father.
They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture
of Alvy with a flash camera as they walk through the crowd.
Yeah, I know, they'll hate me
(To one of his fans)
No, I don't think so. No, I don't
think they're gonna hate you at all.
On the contrary, I think-
It's Easter. You know, we'll have a
nice dinner, we'll sit down and eat.
I think they're gonna really like
EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY
The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-
manicured green lawn, then cuts to:
INT. DINING ROOM.
Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner. The sun is
pouring through a big picture window, shining on a large,
elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one end, rubbing his
nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.
and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.
(Holding her wine
It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.
(Smiling at Duane)
Oh, yeah. Grammy always does such a
A great sauce.
(Smacking his lips)
It's dynamite ham.
Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter
dislike. Alvy tries not to notice.
(To Dad Hall, smoothing
We went over to the swap meet. Annie,
Gram and I. Got some nice picture
We really had a good time.
Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the
long black coat and hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with
mustache and heard.
(Lighting a cigarette
and turning to Alvy)
Ann tells us that you've been seeing
a psychiatrist for fifteen years.
(Setting down his
glass and coughing)
Yes. I'm making excellent progress.
Pretty soon when I lie down on his
couch, I won't have to wear the
Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning.
Grammy continues to stare.
Duane and I went out to the boat
We were caulkin' holes all day.
Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.
Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember
Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the
choir with you.
Oh, yes, yes.
Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the
(To the audience)
I can't believe this family.
(Making chewing sounds)
Annie's mother. She really's
beautiful. And they're talkin' swap
meets and boat basins, and the old
lady at the end of the table
(Pointing to Grammy)
is a classic Jew hater. And, uh,
they, they realty look American, you
know, very healthy and... like they
never get sick or anything. Nothing
like my family. You know, the two
are like oil and water.
The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family -
his mother, father, aunt and uncle-busily eating at the
crowded kitchen table. They eat quickly and interrupt one
another loudly. On the left the Halls in their dining room.
Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.
Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his
His wife has diabetes!
Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse?
The man is fifty years old and doesn't
have a substantial job.
(Putting more meat on
her husband's plate)
Is that a reason to steal from his
Whatta you talkin' about? You don't
know what you're talking about.
Yes, I know what I'm talking about.
George, defend him!
(Over Alvy's father's
No Moskowitz he had a coronary.
You don't say.
Stupid Thelma Poindexter... to the
My God, he's the new president of
the El Regis. Let me tell you, the
man is somethin' else.
That's Jack's wife. We used to make
that outta raisins.
Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see
the new play?
Oh, you remember her, Annie.
Yes, I do.
The two families start talking back and forth to one another.
The screen is still split.
How do you plan to spend the holidays,
Yeah, no food. You know, we have to
atone for our sins.
What sins? I don't understand.
Tell you the truth, neither do we.
INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT
Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open
Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?
This is my room.
(He clears his throat)
Can I confess something?
Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser.
Duane's face is big lighted by a single lamp.
I tell you this because, as an artist,
I think you'll understand. Sometimes
when I'm driving... on the road at
night... I see two headlights coming
toward me. Fast. I have this sudden
impulse to turn the wheel quickly,
head-on into the oncoming car. I can
anticipate the explosion. The sound
of shattering glass. The... flames
rising out of the flowing gasoline.
(Reacting and clearing
Right. Tsch, well, I have to-I have
t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due
back on the planet earth.
He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.
INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM.
Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room; Annie is with
Now, don't let it be so long, now.
And look up Uncle Bill, you promise.
Oh, he's adorable, Annie.
You think so? Do you really?
We're going to take them to the
Oh, no-Duane can. I haven't finished
Yes, Duane is. I'll be right-
I just have time to get the, uh-
She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.
EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead. It is raining
very hard, the windshield wipers are moving quickly. The
headlights of another car brightens the interior of Duane's
car as the camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then Alvy
tensely staring straight ahead.
EXT. STREET- DAY
The camera holds on a quiet New York City street; the
buildings, brownstones. It's a warm day-people sit on front
stoops, window boxes are planted. Annie walks into the frame
first, then Alvy, who is walking to her right. They walk
quickly, side by side, their voices heard before they move
into the frame.
You followed me. I can't believe it!
I didn't follow you!
You followed me!
Why? 'Cause I... was walkin' along a
block behind you staring at you?
That's not following!
Well, what is your definition of
Following is different. I was spying.
Do you realize how paranoid you are?
Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You
got your arms around another guy.
That is the worst kind of paranoia.
Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying.
I-I thought I'd surprise yuh. Pick
you up after school.
Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the
relationship flexible, remember?
It's your phrase.
Oh, stop it. But you were having an
affair with your college professor.
That jerk that teaches that incredible
crap course "Contemporary Crisis in
"Existential Motifs in Russian
Literature"! You're really close.
What's the difference? It's all mental
(Stopping for a moment)
Oh, well, now we're finally getting
to a subject you know something about!
She walks away.
(Catching up to her)
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's
sex with someone I love.
(Continuing to walk
We're not having an affair. He's
married. He just happens to think
(Still walking next
"Neat"! There's that- What are you-
twelve years old? That's one o' your
Chippewa Falls expressions! "He thinks
Who cares? Who cares?
Next thing you know he'll find you
keen and peachy, you know? Next thing
you know he's got his hand on your
They both stop in the middle of the street.
You've always had hostility toward
David ever since I mentioned him!
David? You call your teacher David?
It's his name.
Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's
a biblical name. Right? W-What does
he call you? Bathsheba?
He walks away.
(Calling after him)
Alvy! Alvy! You're the one who never
wanted to make a real commitment.
You don't think I'm smart enough!
We had that argument just last month,
or don't you remember that day?
Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen cuts to the
scene of last month's argument. Annie's voice is heard.
Oh, yeah? How'd it go?
(Comes into the kitchen
and puts down a bag
of groceries on the
Oh, it was...
really weird. But she's a very nice
And I didn't have to lie down on the
couch, Alvy, she had me sitting up.
So I told her about-about the-the
family and about my feelings toward
men and about my relationship with
And then she mentioned penis envy...
Did you know about that?
Me? I'm-I'm one of the few males who
suffers from that, so, so... you
G-go on, I'm interested.
Well, she said that I was very guilty
about my impulses toward marriage,
And then I remembered when I was a
kid how I accidentally saw my parents
Tsch. Rea- All this happened in the
That's amazing. I-I-I... I've been
goin' for fifteen years, I-you know,
I don't got... nothing like that in-
Oh, I told her my dream and then I
You cried? I've never once cried.
from the bag)
I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.
In-in... Alvy, in my dream Frank
Sinatra is holding his pillow across
my face and I can't breathe.
Yeah, and he's strangling me...
and I keep, you know, it's-
(Taking a bottle of
juice and some celery
from the bag)
Well, well, sure... because he's a
singer and you're a singer, you know,
so it's perfect. So you're trying to
suffocate yourself. It-it makes
perfect sense. Uh, uh, that's a
perfect analytic... kind of insight.
(Pointing her finger
She said, your name was Alvy Singer.
(Turning to Annie)
Whatta you mean? Me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in
the dream... I break Sinatra's
(Putting his band to
Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra
had glasses. So whatta you saying
that I-I'm suffocating you?
(Turning, ajar in her
Oh, and God, Alvy, I did... this
really terrible thing to him. Because
then when he sang it was in this
real high-pitched voice.
Tsch, what'd the doctor say?
(Putting away some
Well, she said that I should probably
come five times a week. And you know
something? I don't think I mind
analysis at all. The only question
is, will it change my wife?
Will it change your wife?
Will it change my life?
Yeah, but you said, "Will it change
No, I didn't.
I said, "Will it change my life,"
You said, "Will it change..." Wife.
Will it change...
(Yelling out, angry)
Life. I said, "life."
Alvy turns toward the camera.
(To the audience)
She said, "Will it change my wife."
You heard that because you were there
so I'm not crazy.
And, Alvy... and then I told her
about how I didn't think you'd ever
really take me seriously, because
you don't think that I'm smart enough.
She walks out of the room.
(To Annie's back,
Why do you always bring that up?
Because I encourage you to take adult-
education courses? I think it's a
wonderful thing. You meet wonderful,
Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her
gesturing as people and cars move by.
Adult education is such junk! The
professors are so phony. How can you
A bit rapidly. I don't care what you
say about David, he's a perfectly
David! David! I can't believe this!
And what are you doing following me
around for, anyway?
I'm following you and David, if you-
I just think we oughta call this
Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.
That's fine. That's fine. That's
(He turns toward the
camera as the cab
Well, I don't know what I did wrong.
I mean, I can't believe this.
Somewhere she cooled off to me!
(He walks up to an
older woman walking
down the street
Is it-is it something that I did?
WOMAN ON THE STREET
Never something you do. That's how
people are. Love fades.
She moves on down the street.
(Scratching his head)
Love fades. God, that's a depressing
thought. Have to ask you a question.
(He stops another
Don't go any further. Now, with your
wife in bed, d-d-does she need some
kind o' artificial stimulation like-
MAN ON THE STREET
We use a large vibrating egg.
He walks on.
(Continuing to walk)
Large vibrating egg. Well, I ask a
psychopath, I get that kind of an
answer. Jesus, I-I, uh, here...
(He moves up the
sidewalk to a young
arms wrapped around
You-you look like a really happy
couple. Uh, uh... are you?
Yeah! So... so h-h-how do you account
Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I
have no ideas and nothing interesting
And I'm exactly the same way.
I see. Well, that's very interesting.
So you've managed to work out
Oh, well, thanks very much for talking
He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves
into the street. A mounted policeman comes by and stops near
him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if to speak.
You know, even as a kid I always
went for the wrong women. I think
that's my problem. When my mother
took me to see Snow White, everyone
fell in love with Snow White. I
immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs. The Wicked Queen, resembling
Annie, sits in the palace before her mirror. Alvy, as a
cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of
We never have any fun anymore.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
How can you say that?
Why not? You're always leaning on me
to improve myself.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
You're just upset. You must be getting
I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon
character. Can't I be upset once in
Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other
side of the Wicked Queen.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB
Max, will you forget about Annie? I
know lots of women you can date.
CARTOON FIGURE ALVY
I don't wanna go out with any other
CARTOON FIGURE ROB
Max, have I got a girl for you. You
are going to love her. She's a
The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked
Queen; the screen dissolves into the interior of a concert
ball. Rob's voice carries over from the cartoon scene as the
screen shows Alvy with the female reporter. It's very crowded,
noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands
with his hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.
CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER
for Rolling Stone.
I think there are more people here
to see the Maharishi than there were
to see the Dylan concert. I covered
the Dylan concert... which gave me
chills. Especially when he sang "She
takes just like a woman And she makes
love just like a woman Yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman But
she breaks just like a little girl."
(They move toward the
aisles as a guard
holds up his hands
to stop them)
Up to that I guess the most
charismatic event I covered was Mick's
Birthday when the Stones played
Madison Square Garden.
Man, that's great. That's just great.
You catch Dylan?
Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it
that ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.
You have a raccoon?
Tsch, a few.
The only word for this is trans-
plendid. It's trans-plendid.
I can think of another word.
He's God! I mean, this man is God!
He's got millions of followers who
would crawl all the way across the
world just to touch the hem of his
Really? It must be a tremendous hem.
I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
I can't get with any religion that
advertises in Popular Mechanics.
(The Maharishi, a
small, chunky man,
walks out of the
men's room, huge
him while policemen
bold back the crowds)
there's God coming outta the men's
It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I
was at the Stones concert in Altamount
when they killed that guy, remember?
Yeah, were yuh? I was-I was at an
Alice Cooper thing where six people
were rushed to the hospital with bad
INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT
The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her
hand. Alvy, lying next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his
(Looking down at him)
I hope you don't mind that I took so
long to finish.
Oh, no, no, don't be... tsch... don't
be silly. You know,
I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get
some feeling back in my jaw now.
Oh, sex with you is really a
Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.
I mean that as a compliment.
I think-I think there's too much
burden placed on the orgasm, you
know, to make up for empty areas in
Who said that?
(Rubbing his chin and
Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have
been Leopold and Loeb.
(The telephone rings.
Alvy picks it up,
rising up slightly
from the bed,
concerned, as he
Hello. Oh, hi... Uh, no, what-what's
the matter? What-what-what? You sound
terrible... No, what- Sure I- Whatta
yuh what kind of an emergency?...
No, well, stay there. Stay there,
I'll come over right now. I'll come
over right now. Just stay there,
I'll come right over.
He hangs up. The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the
INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY
Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to
What's- It's me, open up.
(Opening the door)
Are you okay? What's the matter?
(They look at each
other, Annie sighing)
Are you all right? What-
There's a spider in the bathroom.
There's a big black spider in the
That's what you got me here for at
three o'clock in the morning, 'cause
there's a spider in the bathroom?
My God, I mean, you know how I am
I can't sleep with a live thing
crawling around in the bathroom.
Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with
you? Don't you have a can of Raid in
(Shaking her head)
Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move
into the living room.
I told you a thousand times you should
always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.
You never know who's gonna crawl
I know, I know, and a first-aid kit
and a fire extinguisher.
Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine.
I- 'cause I'm a little tired.
(While Annie goes of
to find him a
magazine, Alvy, still
around the apartment.
He notices a small
book on a cabinet
and picks it up.)
You know, you, you joke with-about
me, you make fun of me, but I'm
prepared for anything. An emergency,
a tidal wave, an earthquake. Hey,
what is this? What? Did you go to a
Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd
you like it? Was it-was it, I mean,
did it... was it heavy? Did it achieve
total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...
It was just great!
(Thumbing through the
Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a
wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the
guy who took you to the rock concert,
we'll call him and he can come over
and kill the spider. You know, it's
He tosses the book down on the cabinet.
I called you; you wanna help me...
or not? H'h? Here.
She hands him a magazine.
(Looking down at the
What is this? What are you, since
when do you read the "National
Review"? What are you turning in to?
(Turning to a nearby
chair for some gum
in her pocketbook)
Well, I like to try to get all points
It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha
get William F. Buckley to kill the
(Spinning around to
Alvy, you're a little hostile, you
know that? Not only that, you look
thin and tired.
She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.
Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock
in the morning. You, uh, you got me
outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't
get a taxi cab. You said it was an
emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up
the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more
attractive when the evening began.
Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you
going with a right-wing rock-and-
roll star? Is that possible?
(Sitting down on a
chair arm and looking
up at Alvy)
Would you like a glass of chocolate
Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you
mean? I-I came over to --
(Touching his chest
with her hand)
I got the good chocolate, Alvy.
Yeah, where is the spider?
It really is lovely. It's in the
Is he in the bathroom?
(Rising from chair)
Hey, don't squish it, and after it's
dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?
And flush it a couple o' times.
(Moving down the
hallway to the
Darling, darling, I've been killing
spiders since I was thirty, okay?
(Upset, hands on her
(Coming back into the
Very big spider.
Two... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble.
There's two of 'em.
Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.
(Opening a closet
Yep. I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider. You got a
broom or something with a-
Oh, I-I left it at your house.
snow shovel or anything or something.
I think I left it there, I'm sorry.
Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis
(Holding the racquet)
Okay, let me have this.
Well, what are you doing... what are
you doing with-
Honey, there's a spider in your
bathroom the size of a Buick.
He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.
Well, okay. Oooh.
Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in
one band, rolled magazine in the other. He looks over at the
shelf above the sink and picks up a small container. He holds
it out, shouting off screen to Annie.
Hey, what is this? You got black
It's for my complexion.
Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel
(Alvy turns and starts
swapping the racquet
over the shelf,
knocking down articles
and breaking glass)
(He continues to swat
the racquet all over
the bathroom. He
finally moves out of
the room, hands close
to his body. He walks
into the other room,
where Annie is sitting
in a corner of her
bed leaning against
I did it! I killed them both. What-
what's the matter? Whatta you-
(Annie is sobbing,
her band over her
whatta you sad about? You- What'd
you want me to do? Capture 'em and
(Sobbing and taking
Oh, don't go, okay? Please.
(Sitting down next to
Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta-
whatta what's the matter? Whatta you
expecting termites? What's the matter?
Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you.
She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm
around her shoulder and leans back against the wall.
Oh, Jesus, really?
(Leaning on his
Oh, yeah. Oh.
He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.
Was there somebody in your room when
I called you?
W-w-whatta you mean?
I mean was there another- I thought
I heard a voice.
Oh, I had the radio on.
I'm sorry. I had the television set
had the television-
Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.
INT. ALVY'S BED
Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her
elbow looking down at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.
Alvy, let's never break up again. I
don't wanna be apart.
Oh, no, no, I think we're both much
too mature for something like that.
Living together hasn't been so bad,
It's all right for me, it's been
terrific, you know? Better than
either one of my marriages. See,
'cause... 'cause there's just
something different about you. I
don't know what it is, but it's great.
You know I think that if you let me,
maybe I could help you have more
fun, you know? I mean, I know it's
hard and... Yeah.
I don't know.
Alvy, what about... what if we go
away this weekend, and we could-
Tsch, why don't we get... why don't
we get Rob, and the three of us'll
drive into Brooklyn, you know, and
we show you the old neighborhood.
Okay, okay. Okay.
That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you
Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.
Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her, Alvy
in the back seat leaning forward so that his head is between
them. They're driving down the highway.
-me, my God, it's a great day!
Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch
Yeah, watch the road!
You'll total the whole car.
Hey, you know, I never even visited
I can't wait to see the old
Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be
We can show her the schoolyard.
Right. I was a great athlete. Tell
her, Max, I was the best, I was all
Yes, I remember.
He was all schoolyard. They threw
him a football once, he tried to
Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses
EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK.
Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster on the
screen. The area's deserted. Sea gulls are heard.
Oh, look, look, there's that... that's
that's my old house. That's where we
used to live.
You're lucky, Max-where I used to
live is now a pornographic equipment
I have some very good memories there.
What kind of good memories, Max?
Your mother and father fighting all
Yeah, and always over the most
FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S HOUSE.
Alvy's father sits in his chair. His mother is polishing a
door while Alvy lies on the floor playing. Annie, adult Alvy
and Rob quietly walk into the scene to watch.
You fired the cleaning woman?
She was stealing.
But she's colored.
So the colored have enough trouble.
She was going through my pocketbook!
They're persecuted enough!
Who's persecuting? She stole!
Alvy's father gets up and gets his hard hat. He sits back
down and starts polishing it.
All right-so we can afford it.
How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
She has no money! She's got a right to steal from us! After
all, who is she gonna steal from if not us?
(Yelling into the
You're both crazy!
They can't hear you, Max.
Leo... I married a fool!
Hey, Max! Who's that?
As the three friends watch Alvy's old living room, the scene
has suddenly shifted. A huge crowd stands around the room,
laughing, eating, chatting and vibrating with the turns of
the roller-coaster ride.
It-it-it's the welcome-home party in
nineteen forty-five, for my cousin
Look, look, there's-there's that one
over there, that's Joey Nichols, he
(Young Alvy stands
next to Joey Nichols,
who's sitting in one
of the easy chairs.
They smile at each
other; people and
noise all around)
father's friend. He was always
bothering me when I was a kid.
See. Nichols. See, Nichols!
(Joey shows young
Alvy his cuff links
and a tie pin, which
are made from nickels,
as Alvy stands with
hands on hips,
then slaps his band
to his forehead and
puts a nickel on his
Yuh see, nickels! You can always
remember my name, just think of Joey
That's me. Joey Five Cents!
Joey grabs Alvy's cheeks and pinches them.
What an asshole!
A group of women stands near a buffet table eating and
listening to Alvy mother and her sister, Tessie, and a young
girl, as the three friends watch.
I was always the sister with good
common sense. But Tessie was always
the one with personality. When she
was younger, they all wanted to marry
She touches Tessie's shoulder. Tessie starts to laugh.
(Pointing, to Rob)
Do you believe that, Max? Tessie
Moskowitz had the personality. She's
the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
(To the young girl)
She was once a great beauty.
Tessie nods her head "yes."
Tessie, they say you were the sister
(Addressing the young
I was a great beauty.
Uh, how did this personality come
(Grabbing the young
I was very charming.
There were many men interested in
(To the young girl)
Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
Tessie gyrates back and forth imitating a dancer while Annie
and the adult Alvy lean on each other laughing.
That's pretty hard to believe.
Alvy and Annie walk contentedly down a street; Alvy's arm is
draped around Annie. People walk by them on the street as
they move toward their apartment building.
Well, I had a really good day, you
know that? It was just a real fine
way to spend my birthday.
Ah? Oh, well, your birthday's not
till tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell
Yeah, but it's real close.
Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
Oh, darn it.
Annie and Alvy sit on the sofa. Annie's unwrapping a gift
while Alvy watches.
She pulls out flimsy black lingerie from the box.
What is this? Is this a... Present?
Are you kidding?
Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?
Uh, yeah, uh... t-t-this is more
like a present for you, yeah, but
Try it... it'll add years to our sex
(Looking up at Alvy
Uh huh. Yeah. Forget it.
Alvy leans over and hands her another box as she puts down
Here's a real present.
(Opening the gift)
Check it out.
Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway?
Let me see. Okay, let's... oooh,
(She takes out a watch
from the box)
Oh, you knew I wanted this...
God, it's terrific, God!
Yeah, I know. Just-just put on the
watch, and-and... that thing, and
Oh! My God!
Alvy kisses Annie.
INT. NIGHT CLUB.
Annie, spotlighted onstage, stands in front of the microphone,
smiling. She looks downward and sings "Seems Like Old Times."
The audience applauds loudly as the music fades out.
Alvy sits at the bar, clapping and staring at Annie as she
walks over to him and sits down. The low murmur of the night
club is surrounding them.
You were-you were sensational. I
mean, I-you know, I-I told yuh that
if yuh stuck to it, you would be
great, and-and, you know, I-I-you-
you were sensational.
(Looking at Alvy,
Yeah, well, we have the, I mean,
they were just a terrific audience,
I mean, you know, it makes it really
easy for me, because I can be...
Tony, a famous record personality, pushes through the crowd,
moving toward Alvy and Annie. An entourage follows him as he
makes his way to their table.
He shakes hands with Annie, smiling.
Hi, I'm-I'm Tony Lacey.
Uh, we just wanted to stop by and
say that we really enjoyed your sets.
Oh, yeah, really, oh!
I though it was... very musical, and
I liked it a lot.
Oh, neat... oh, that's very nice,
gosh, thanks a lot.
Are you... are you recording? Or do-
Are you with any label now?
No, no, no, not at all.
Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you
about that sometime, if you get a
Seated Alvy looks the other way, reacting.
Oh. What about?
...of possibly working together.
(Looking for the first
time at Alvy)
Well, hey, that's, that's nice. Uh.
Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer.
Do you know Alvy? Uh... and... uh...
No, I don't-I don't know, but I-I
know your work. I'm a big fan of
Tony reaches over and shakes hands with Alvy. The nightclub
crowd surrounds them all with their low chatter and cigarette
Thank you very much. It's a pleasure.
(Turning to introduce
This is, uh, Shawn, and, uh... Bob
Hi, hi, Bob...
Uh... w-we're going back to the
Pierre. We're staying at the Pierre...
and we're gonna meet Jack and
Angelica, and have a drink there,
and... if you'd like to come, uh,
we'd love to have you.
And we could just sit and talk...
nothing. Uh, not a big deal, it's
just relax, just be very mellow.
Annie and Tony and his entourage turn to look at Alvy.
(Fingers to his mouth,
Remember, we had that thing.
(Staring at Annie and
clearing his throat)
Don't you remember we-we-we discussed
that thing that we were-
yes, we had, uh...
(Looking at Alvy,
Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing...
Annie turns, looks at Tony as he smiles and gestures with
Oh, well, I-if it's inconvenient,
eh, we can't do it now... that's
fine, too. W-w-w-we'll do it another
Maybe if you're on the Coast, we'll
get together and... and we'll meet
He shakes hands with Annie.
It was a wonderful set.
I really enjoyed it.
(Looking at Alvy)
Nice to have metcha. Good night.
Nice to see you... bye. Yeah. Bye.
She turns and looks at Alvy.
What's... you... well, what's the
matter, You w-wanna go to that party?
(Looking down at her
hands, then up at
I don't know, I thought it might be
kind of fun, you know what I mean,
it'd be nice to meet some new people.
I'm just not... you know, I don't
think I could take a mellow eve-
'cause I-I don't respond well to
mellow, you know what I mean, I-I
have a tendency to... if I get too
mellow, I-I ripen and then rot. You
know, and it's-it's not good for
All right, all right, you don't wanna
go to the party, so uh, whatta you
INT. MOVIE THEATER.
The screen is projecting the beginning of "The Sorrow and
the Pity": a street filled with fleeing cars, belongings
tied on top and piled in the back seats. Subtitles pop on:
"The Jewish warmongers and Parisian plutocrats tried to flee
with their gold and jewels" as a narrator explains in German.
Split screen: Annie and her psychiatrist on the left; Alvy
and his on the right. Annie, talking, sits in a white molded
chair, as does her doctor.
The office is very modern: stark, white and chrome. Alvy,
talking to his psychiatrist, lies on a deep leather sofa,
the doctor seated away from him.
This office looks more like a well-worn den: bookcases
overflowing, dark wood.
The dialogue is separated in each screen, though no one talks
(To her doctor)
That day in Brooklyn was the last
day I remember really having a great
(To his doctor)
Well, we never have any laughs
anymore, is the problem.
Well, I've been moody and
How often do you sleep together?
Do you have sex often?
Hardly ever. Maybe three times a
Constantly! I'd say three times a
week. Like the other night, Alvy
wanted to have sex.
She would not sleep with me the other
night, you know, it's-
And... I don't know... I mean, six
months ago I-I woulda done it. I
woulda done it, just to please him.
I mean... I tried everything, you
know, I-I-I put on soft music and my-
my red light bulb, and...
But the thing is-I mean, since our
discussions here, I feel I have a
right to my own feelings. I think
you woulda been happy because... uh,
uh, I really asserted myself.
The incredible thing about it is,
I'm paying for her analysis and she's
making progress and I'm getting
I don't know, though, I feel so guilty
because Alvy is paying for it, so,
you know, so I do feel guilty if I
don't go to bed with him. But if I
do go to bed with him, it's like I'm
going against my own feelings. I
don't know I-I can't win.
You know... it's getting expensive
my analyst... for her analyst. She-
she's making progress and I'm not
making any progress. Her progress is
defeating my progress.
Sometimes I think-sometimes I think
I should just live with a woman.
Alvy and Annie sit close together on the sofa in some friends'
apartment. Their friends, another couple, stand behind the
sofa in the background.
Excited, they talk almost all at once.
Wow, I don't believe it... you mean
to tell me you guys have never snorted
Well, I always wanted to try, you
know, but, uh, Alvy, uh... he's very
down on it.
Hey, don't put it on me. You kn- Wh-
what is it, I don't wanna put a wad
of white powder in my nose 'cause
the-the nasal membranes...
They all start talking at once.
You never wanna try anything new,
(Counting on his
How can you say that? I mean,
who said I-I-I-I said that you, I
and that girl from your acting class
should sleep together in a threesome.
Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's
new. You know, you didn't say it
couldn't be sick.
Annie laughs, chatters.
Just come on, Alvy.
(All four are now
sitting on the sofa.
The male friend starts
to prepare lines of
cocaine; Alvy and
Annie look at each
Do your body a favor. Try it, come
Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.
(Moving forward on
Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause
the Incas did it, you know, and-and
they-they-they were a million laughs.
Alvy, come on, for your own
experience. I mean, you wanna write,
It's great stuff, Alvy. Friend of
mine just brought it in from
Oh, do you know something-I didn't
tell yuh, we're going to California
...I'm thrilled. As you know, uh...
uh, on my agent's advice I sold out,
and I'm gonna do an appearance on
No, no, no that's not it at all.
Alvy's giving an award on television.
Gee, he talks like he's violating a
moral issue sitting here.
It's so phony, and we have to leave
New York during Christmas week, which
really kills me.
Alvy, listen, while you're in
California, could you possibly score
some coke for me?
(Over Annie's laughter)
Sure, sure, I'll be glad to. I-I'll
just put it in a-a-a h-h-hollow heel
that I have in my boot, you know.
(Alvy picks up the
small open gold case
of cocaine base the
man placed on the
coffee table and
looks at it, reacting)
H-h-how much is this stuff?
It's about two thousand dollars an
Really? And what is the kick of it?
Because I never...
He puts his finger into the drug, smells it and then sneezes.
The powder blows all over the room as the man, woman and
Annie react silently.
CALIFORNIA. BEVERLY HILLS STREET-DAY
It's a warm, beautiful day. Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's
convertible are moving past the spacious houses, the palm
trees. The sunlight reflects off the car. Annie, excited, is
taking the whole place in. Background voices sing Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas, We
wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish
you a Merry Christmas, And a Happy
(Over the singing)
I've never been so relaxed as I have
been since I moved out here, Max. I
want you to see my house. I live
right next to Hugh Hefner's house,
Max. He lets me use the Jacuzzi. And
the women, Max, they're like the
women in Playboy magazine, only they
can move their arms and legs.
You know, I can't get over that this
is really Beverly Hills.
We wish you a Merry Christmas, And a
Happy New Year.
Yeah, the architecture is really
consistent, isn't it? French next to-
(Singing over the
Oh, Christmas... tree, Oh, Christmas
tree, How bright and green Our...
Spanish, next to Tudor, next to
God, it's so clean out here.
It's that they don't throw their
garbage away. They make it into
Aw, come on, Max, give us a break,
will yuh? It's Christmas.
Annie starts snapping pictures of the view.
Can you believe this is Christmas
Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas
They pass a large house with spacious lawn. Sitting on the
lawn is a Santa Claus complete with sleigh and reindeer.
Voices continue to sing Christmas carols; Annie continues to
You know, it was snowing-it was
snowing and really gray in New York
Right-well, Santa Claus will have
Max, there's no crime, there's no
There's no economic crime, you know,
but there's-there's ritual, religious-
cult murders, you know, there's wheat-
germ killers out here.
While you're out here, Max, I want
you to see some of my TV show. And
we're invited to a big Christmas
They continue driving, now in a less residential area, passing
a hot-dog stand. "Tail-Pup" concession; people mill about
eating hot dogs.
(Singing, louder now)
Remember Christ our Savior Was born
on Christmas day To save us all...
from Satan's power As we were gone
They pass a theater, the marquee announcing "House of Exorcism
Messiah of Evil. Rated R. Starts at 7:15."
INT. TV CONTROL ROOM.
Several monitors line the wall in front of an elaborate
console. Rob and Alvy, along with Charlie, the technician,
stand in the small room watching the screens showing Rob as
a television star on a situation comedy. They chatter,
analyzing the footage, over the sounds of the taped television
Look, now, Charlie, give me a big
ROB ON TV SCREEN
A limousine to the track breakdown?
A little bigger.
TV monitors go black as the technician turns of the monitors
to fix the laugh track.
Do you realize how immoral this all
Max, I've got a hit series.
Yeah, I know; but you're adding fake
Technicians turn the monitors back on, showing Rob on the
screen with another character, Arnie.
Oh, I'm sorry.
ROB ON TV SCREEN
(Turning to the
Give me a tremendous laugh here,
Loud laughter from the TV monitors.
We do the show live in front of an
Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause
your jokes aren't funny.
Yeah, well, that's why this machine
ROB ON TV SCREEN
You better lie down. You've been in
the sun too long.
(To the technician)
Yeah... uh, now give me a like a
medium-size chuckle here... and then
a big hand.
The sounds of laughter and applause are heard from the TV.
(Removing his glasses
and rubbing his face)
Is there booing on there?
The monitors show a woman on the screen.
We were just gonna fix you up with
my cousin Dolores.
(Overlapping the TV)
Oh, Max, I don't feel well.
What's the matter?
I don't know, I just got-I got very
I feel dizzy, Max.
Well, sit down.
You all right?
I don't know, I mean, I-
Alvy, looking at him)
You wanna lie down?
No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt
queasy all morning. I just started
How about a ginger ale?
Oh, Max... no, I maybe I better lie
INT. HOTEL ROOM.
Alvy lies in bed, one elbow propped up, a doctor sitting
next to him looking concerned. The doctor holds out a plate
of chicken; Alvy listlessly stares at it. Annie, in the
background, is on the phone.
(Talking into the
(Holding out the food)
Why don't you just try to get a little
of this down? This is just plain
(Taking a piece of
chicken and holding
Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this.
(He gasps and makes
If you could-if you could just give
me something to get me through the
next two hours, you know I-I have to
go out to Burbank... and give out an
award on a TV show.
(On the phone,
overlapping the doctor
Well... H-h huh... Oh, good... Yes,
I'll tell him.
Well, there's nothing wrong with you
actually, so far as I can tell. I
mean, you have no fever, no... no
symptoms of anything serious. You
haven't been eating pork or shellfish.
Annie hangs up and moves over to Alvy.
(Sitting on the edge
of the bed)
Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Doctor. Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the
show. They said everything is fine.
They found a replacement, so they're
going to tape without you.
(He sighs and gasps)
Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the
Reacting, Alvy puts up his band in disgust, then starts eating
the piece of chicken he has been holding. The doctor and
Annie watch him, reacting.
Yeah. Listen, Doctor, I'm worried.
Now, Mrs. Singer, I can't find
Nothing at all?
No, I think I can get a lab man up
(Grabbing the rest of
the chicken from the
Oh, jesus. Can I have the salt,
What do you mean? Do you think he's-
(Handing the salt to
Yes, excuse me.
Perhaps it would be even better if
we took him to the hospital for a
day or two.
Alvy begins to eat.
Uh-huh... Oh, hospital?
Well, otherwise, there's no real way
to tell what's going on.
(Making sounds, gasping)
This is not bad, actually.
EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET RESIDENTIAL AREA - DAY
Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's car pull into a long circular
driveway as an attendant walks over to the car. A sprawling
house is seen to the right; a couple moves toward the front
door, and the driveway is crowded with other parked cars.
Loud music is heard.
(Getting out of the
Hey, don't tell me we're gonna hafta
walk from the car to the house. Geez,
my feet haven't touched pavement
since I reached Los Angeles.
A Hollywood Christmas party is in session, complete with
music, milling people, circulating waiters bolding out trays
of drinks. It's all very casual. French doors run the entire
width of one wall; they are opened to the back lawn, guests
move from the room to outside and back in. It is crowded;
bits of conversation and clinking glasses can be heard. Two
men, California-tanned, stand by the French doors talking.
Well, you take a meeting with him,
I'll take a meeting with you if you'll
take a meeting with Freddy.
I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy
took a meeting with Charlie. You
take a meeting with him.
All the good meetings are taken.
FULL GROUP SHOT
A man stands talking, people in groups behind him. Two born
like gadgets are attached to his shoulders; he's wearing a
bizarre space costume.
Right now it's only a notion, but I
think I can get money to make it
into a concept... and later turn it
into an idea.
Alvy and Rob stand near the French doors leading to the back
lawn, eating and drinking and watching the people walking in
and out of the house.
You like this house, Max?
I even brought a road map to get us
to the bathroom.
Whee, you shoulda told me it was
Tony Lacey's party.
What difference does that make?
Alvy looks into the room, where Annie and Tony Lacey are
having an animated conversation.
I think he has a little thing for
Oh, no, no, that's bullshit, Max.
He goes with that girl over there.
Rob nods his head toward a tall woman dressed all in white
conversing with a group of people close-by.
The one with the V.P.L.
Visible panty line. Max, she is
Yeah, she's a ten, Max, and that's
great for you because you're-you're
used to twos, aren't you?
There are no twos, Max.
Yeah, you're used to the kind with
the- with the shopping bags walking
through Central Park with the surgical
masks on muttering.
How do you like this couple, Max?
A couple moves over toward Rob and Alvy. The man's arm is
around the woman; they stand very close. In the background,
Annie and Tony are still talking.
And I think they just came back from
Masters and Johnson.
Yeah, intensive care ward.
(Watching the woman
My God-hey, Max, I think she's... I
think she's giving me the eye.
As Rob and Alvy observe the guests, the woman in white starts
walking toward them.
If she comes over here, Max, my brain
is going to turn into guacamole.
I'll handle it. I'll handle it. Hi.
GIRL IN WHITE
You're Alvy Singer, right? Didn't we
meet at EST?
EST? No, no, I was never to est.
GIRL IN WHITE
Then how can you criticize it?
Oh, he-he didn't say anything.
No, no, I came out here to get some
shock therapy, but there was an energy
crisis, so I... He's my-my food
taster. Have you two met?
(Shaking his head)
Hi. How do you do.
GIRL IN WHITE
Do you taste to see if the food's
Yeah, he's crazy.
The girl in white laughs.
(Looking at Rob and
Hey, you guys are wearin' white. It
must be in the stars.
Uri Geller must be on the premises
We're gonna operate together.
Rob and the girl walk of together as the camera moves in on
Tony and Annie standing by the buffet table.
We just need about six weeks, in
about six weeks we could cut a whole
I don't know, this is strange to me,
Just... that's all you need. You can
come and stay here.
There's a whole wing in this house.
Oh yeah, stay here? U-huh.
You can have it to use. Why-why are
I don't know. I don't know.
She picks up an hors doeuvre.
The two men still talking about meetings surrounded by other
groups of people milling about.
Not only is he a great agent, but he
really gives good meetings.
Tony, band in band with the girl in white, is leaving the
party room with Alvy and Annie to show them the rest of the
This is a great house, really.
Everything. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three
tennis courts. You know who the
original owners were? Nelson Eddy,
then Legs Diamond. Then you know who
Annie and the girl in white laugh.
Right before his un-American thing.
They stop in a den-like screening room. A man is slouched
back on one of the comfortable sofas that fill the room. It
is much quieter in here; a contrast to the noise and crowd
Yeah, this place is great.
Uh, you guys are still-uh, you're
still New Yorkers.
Yeah, I love it there.
Well, I used to live there. I used
to live there for years. You know,
but it's gotten-it's so dirty now.
I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
Boy, this is really a nice screening
room. It's really a nice room.
Oh, and there's another thing about
New York. See... you-you wanna see a
movie, you have to stand in a long
It could be freezing, it could be
And here, you just-
GIRL IN WHITE
We saw "Grand Illusion" here last
ALVY AND ANNIE
MAN ON THE SOFA
(Looking over his
shoulder at the group)
That's a great film if you're high.
(The group laughs,
looking down at the
man on the sofa. He
looks up at them,
smiling, a joint in
his hand, and offers
them a cigarette)
(Shaking his head no)
Come and see our bedroom. We did a
fantastic lighting job. Okay?
Oh, good. Okay.
Tony and the girl in white leave the room, Annie and Alvy
(Taking Alvy's arm)
It's wonderful. I mean, you know
they just watch movies all day.
Yeah, and gradually you get old and
die. You know it's important to make
a little effort once in a while.
Don't you think his girl friend's
Yeah, she's got a great-lookin' fa-
A pat on the androgynous side. But
They pass a man talking on the phone in the hallway.
MAN ON THE PHONE
Yeah, yeah. I forgot my mantra.
As they come down stairs the party is still in big gear.
People are looser now; conversations are more animated, some
talk quietly in more intimate corners, some couples are
dancing. Alvy stands alone sipping a drink near the huge
Christmas tree. A tall woman, passing by, shakes his hand,
then leaves. He continues to sip his drink, alone, watching
Tony and Annie in the center of the room dancing.
The screen shows a plane in flight, Los Angeles far below,
Annie and Alvy sit, the stewardess behind them serving other
passengers. Annie stares out the window holding a coffee
cup; Alvy reads. Both are preoccupied, thinking their own
That was fun. I don't think California
is bad at all. It's a drag coming
Lotta beautiful women. It was fun to
(As she sips coffee)
I have to face facts. I-I adore Alvy,
but our relationship doesn't seem to
(An open magazine
lies in his lap)
I'll have the usual trouble with
Annie in bed tonight. Whatta I need
If only I had the nerve to break up,
but it would really hurt him.
If only I didn't feel guilty asking
Annie to move out. It'd probably
wreck her. But I should be honest.
He looks over at Annie.
(Looking back at Alvy)
Alvy, uh, let's face it. You know
something, don't think our
relationship is working.
Tsch, I know. A relationship, I think,
is-is like a shark, you know? It has
to constantly move forward or it
And I think what we got on our hands
(Clearing his throat)
is a dead shark.
INT. ALVY'S LIVING ROOM-DAY
A lighted Christmas tree stands in the middle of boxes, books,
and the general disarray of packing and figuring out what
belongs to whom as Alvy helps Annie move out.
(Holding up a book)
Whose "Catcher in the Rye" is this?
(Walking into the
room with an armload
Well, let's see now... If it has my
name on it, then I guess it's mine.
Oh, it sure has... You know, you
wrote your name in all my books,
'cause you knew this day was gonna
(Putting down the
books and flipping
back her hair)
Well, uh, Alvy, you wanted to break
up just as much as I do.
(Riffling through the
There's no-no question in my mind.
I think we're doing the mature thing,
without any doubt.
(Holding a framed
picture and moving
Now, look, all the books on death
and dying are yours and all the poetry
books are mine.
(Looking down at a
This "Denial of Death". You remember
This is the first book that I got
Annie goes over to Alvy. They both look down at the book;
the fireplace, burning nicely, is behind them.
Remember that day?
Right. Geez, I feel like there's a
great weight off my back. M'mmm.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, you
know, no, no, no, I mean, I think
it's really important for us to
explore new relationships and stuff
She walks away.
There's no-there's no question about
that, 'cause we've given this... uh,
uh, I think a more than fair shot,
He tosses the book into the carton.
Yeah, my analyst thinks this move is
keen for me.
Yeah, and I-I tru- you know, I trust
her, because my-my analyst recommended
(Walking in with
another armload of
Well, why should I put you through
all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
Right. And you-and you know what the
beauty part is?
(Holding a small box
We can always come back together
again. Because there's no-there's no
problem. 'Cause... Right.
Exactly, but... exactly. Ooooh!
You know, I-I-I don't think many
couples could handle this. You know,
they could just break up and remain
(Taking a button from
Hey, this one's mine, this button.
This one, you rem-
I guess these are all yours. Impeach,
uh, Eisenhower... Impeach Nixon...
Impeach Lyndon Johnson... Impeach
EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET-DAY
People milling about on the sidewalk as Alvy walks out of a
store and moves toward the foreground.
(Into the camera, to
I miss Annie. I made a terrible
A couple, walking down the street, stops as the man talks to
MAN ON THE STREET
She's living in Los Angeles with
Oh, yeah? Well, if she is, then the
hell with her! If she likes that
lifestyle, let her live there! He's
a jerk, for one thing.
MAN ON THE STREET
He graduated Harvard.
Yeah. He may- Listen, Harvard makes
mistakes too, you know. Kissinger
The couple strolls away as an older woman walks up to Alvy
while others walk by.
Don't tell me you're jealous?
Yeah, jealous. A little bit like
Medea. Lemme, lemme-can I show you
(He takes a small
item from his pocket
to show the woman)
What I have here... I found this in
the apartment. Black soap. She used
to wash her face eight hundred times
a day with black soap. Don't ask me
Well, why don't you go out with other
Well, I-I tried, but it's, uh, you
know, it's very depressing.
RECENT FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S COUNTRY KITCHEN
Alvy's arms and legs fill the screen as he slowly gets up
from the floor holding up a live lobster. He puts it on a
(Pointing to the
This always happens to me. Quick, g-
go get a broom.
His date, a girl wearing short shorts, leans against the
sink and lights a cigarette. She makes no move to help.
What are you making such a big deal
(As she talks, the
lobster drops from
the tray to the floor.
Alvy jumps away,
then gingerly scrapes
the tray toward the
They're only lobsters. Look, you're
a grown man, you know how to pick up
(Looking up in stooped-
I'm not myself since I stopped
(Still leaning against
the sink, her hand
on her hip)
Oh, when'd you quit smoking?
He gets up of the floor with the lobster on the tray.
Sixteen years ago.
Whatta you mean?
You stopped smoking sixteen years
ago, is that what you said? Oh, I-I
don't understand. Are you joking, or
A solitary Alvy walking along the FDR Drive where he had
walked with Annie. The New York skyline is still in the
background, the sea gulls go by, the fog horn blows. He walks
slowly, moving off screen.
INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM - DAY
Alvy sits on his bed talking on the phone.
Listen, honey, Central Park's turning
green... Yeah, I sa-I saw that lunatic
that we-where we used to see... with
the, uh, uh, pinwheel hat and, you
know, and the roller skates?...
Listen, I-I want you to come back
here... Well, I-I-then I'm gonna
come out there and getcha.
An airborne plane.
EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT.
People milling about as Alvy, in the outside phone-booth
Whatta you mean, where am I? Where
do- where do you think I am? I'm-I'm
out... I'm at the Los Angeles Airport.
I flew in...
Tsch, I-well, I flew in to see you...
Hey, listen, can we not debate this
on-on the telephone because I'm, you
know, I-I feel that I got a
temperature and I'm-I'm getting my-
my chronic Los Angeles nausea. I-I
don't feel so good.
Alvy's conversation is still heard as the screen shows him
behind the wheel of a car on a busy street; he causes a near-
accident by jerking the car too slowly toward an intersection.
Well, where-wherever you wanna meet,
I don't care. I'll-I'll drive in. I
rented a car I'm driving... that...
Whatta you mean? What-why is that
such a miracle? I'm driving myself --
EXT. OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY
People sit at umbrellaed tables with checkered tablecloths
at a Sunset Boulevard outdoor cafe. Street traffic goes by
while they dine. There's a mild California breeze. The
restaurant is somewhat crowded as Alvy makes his way around
the tables looking about. He finally sits down at an empty
table; nearby sits a woman with a younger man. A waitress
brings Alvy a menu and waits for his order.
(To the waitress)
I'm gonna... I'm gonna have the
alfalfa sprouts and, uh, a plate of
Annie, wearing a flowered dress and wide hat, moves into
view. Alvy, noticing her, watches as she walks over to his
table. He rises and they shake hands.
Alvy wipes at his nose as he stares. He smiles, the street
traffic moving behind him. Annie smiles back.
You look very pretty.
Oh, no, I just lost a little weight,
(Alvy adjusts his
glasses, not exactly
knowing where to
start; a bit uneasy)
Well, you look nice.
(Nodding his head)
You see, I-I've been thinking about
it and I think that we should get
Oh, Alvy, come on.
Why? You wanna live out here all
year? It's like living in Munchkin
Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's
perfectly fine out here. I mean,
Tony's very nice and, uh, well, I
meet people and I go to parties and-
and we play tennis. I mean, that's...
that's a very big step for me, you
know? I mean...
(Reacting, Alvy looks
down at his hands,
I'm able to enjoy people more.
So whatta you... You're not gonna
come back to New York?
What's so great about New York? I
mean, it's a dying city. You read
"Death in Venice."
Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice"
till I bought it for yuh.
That's right, that's right.
You only gave me books with the word
"death" in the titles.
(Nodding his head and
That's right, 'cause it's an important
Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying
life, you know that? I mean, your
life is New York City. You're just
this person. You're like this island
(Toying with his car
I can't enjoy anything unless I...
unless everybody is. I-you know, if
one guy is starving someplace,
that's... you know, I-I... it puts a
crimp in my evening.
(Looking down at his
So wanna get married or what?
No. We're friends. I wanna remain
(Louder, to the
Check, please. Can I -can I...
Can I... Can I...
You're mad, aren't you?
(Shaking his head)
Yes, of course I'm mad, because you
love me, I know that.
Alvy, I can't say that that's true
at this point in my life. I really
just can't say that that's true. I
mean, you know how wonderful you
are. I mean, you know... you're the
reason that I got outta my room and
that I was able to sing, and-and-
and, you know, get more in touch
with my feelings and all that crap.
Anyway, look, I don't wanna- Listen,
listen, listen, uh
h'h, so whatta you up to anyway,
The usual, you know. Uh, tryin' t'
write. I'm workin' on a play.
Jesus. So whatta yuh saying? That
you're not comin' back to New York
He nods his head in disbelief.
Look, I gotta go.
She starts to rise.
You mean that...
(He gets up and starts
following her past
diners at other tables)
I-I-I-I flew three thousand miles to
Air miles, you know. I mean, you
know what that does to my stomach?
They move down the steps of the cafe toward the parking lot.
If you must know, it's a hectic time
for Tony. The Grammys are tonight.
The Grammys. He's got a lotta records
up for awards.
You mean they give awards for that
kind o' music?
I thought just earplugs.
Annie gets into her car. Alvy moves over to his rented
Just forget it, Alvy, okay? Let's
just forget the conversation.
She closes the door, starts the motor.
(Yelling after her)
Awards! They do nothing but give out
awards! I can't believe it. Greatest,
greatest fascist dictator, Adolf
Annie drives away. Alvy gets behind the wheel, starts the
motor. Putting the car in gear, he inadvertently moves
forward, hitting a bunch of trash cans with a loud crash.
Putting the car in reverse, Alvy notices a beige car that
has just turned into the parking lot. For a brief moment,
the screen shows a flashback of the bumper-car ride at the
Brooklyn amusement park. Alvy's father is on the Platform
directing traffic; young Alvy is in a small car bumping others
right and left. Alvy, hack in the parking lot, backs up his
convertible, purposefully smashing the side of the beige car
as another flashback of bumper-car ride appears, this time-
as, Alvy's father directs traffic- a Marine in a small car
hits the back end of a soldier's car, and Alvy, back in the
parking lot, moves his car over to another parked car and
bits it full force.
Another flashback appears. People in the small cars really
racing around the track now, bumping into one another over
and over again, Alvy's father directing the flow, as the
film cuts back to the parking lot, where Alvy reverses the
convertible and rams it into the front end of yet another
He sits behind the wheel as people rush out of various cars
and as sirens start blaring, coming closer and closer,
stopping finally as a motorcycle cop gets off beside Alvy's
car and walks over to him.
(Getting out of the
Officer, I know what you're gonna
say. I'm-I'm not a great driver, you
know, I-I have some problems with-
May I see your license, please?
(Searching, he finally
fishes his license
out of his pocket)
just don't-don't get angry, you know
what I mean? 'Cause I-I have - I
have my-my license here. You know,
it's a rented car. And I've...
He drops the license and it falls to the ground.
Don't give me your life story
(Looking at the piece
of paper on the ground)
just pick up the license.
Pick up the license. You have to ask
nicely 'cause I've had an extremely
rough day. You know, my girl friend-
Just give me the license, please.
Since you put it that way.
It's hard for me to refuse.
(He leans over, picks
up the license, then
proceeds to rip it
up. He lets the pieces
go; they float to
...have a, I have a terrific problem
with authority, you know. I'm...
it's not your fault. Don't take it
INT. JAIL-CELLS CORRIDOR.
A guard moves down the ball to the cell where, Alvy stands
with other inmates. He unlocks the door and opens it, letting
So long, fellas. Keep in touch.
He walks down the corridor off screen.
EXT. A STREET IN FRONT OF THE COURT HOUSE - DAY
Policemen are walking up and down the courthouse steps as
Alvy and Rob move out the door of the building, down the
steps to the street.
Imagine my surprise when I got your
(Carrying his jacket
over his shoulder)
Yeah. I had the feeling that I got
you at a bad moment. You know, I
heard high-pitched squealing.
They walk over to Rob's convertible and get in.
(Starting the car)
Twins, Max. Sixteen-year-olds. Can
you imagine the mathematical
You're an actor, Max. You should be
doing Shakespeare in the Park.
Oh, I did Shakespeare in the Park,
Max. I got mugged. I was playing
Richard the Second and two guys with
leather jackets stole my leotard.
He puts on an elaborate helmet and goggles.
(Looking at Rob's
Max, are we driving through plutonium?
Keeps out the alpha rays, Max. You
don't get old.
INT. REHEARSAL HALL OF A THEATER.
An actor and actress sit on hard wooden chairs in a sparse
They face each other. The actress resembles Annie; the actor,
You're a thinking person. How can
you choose this lifestyle?
What is so incredibly great about
New York? It's a dying city! You-you
read "Death in Venice".
You didn't read "Death in Venice"
till I gave it to you!
Well, you only give me books with
the word "death" in the title.
The camera pulls back, showing Alvy sitting with two men at
a table set up near the actors. A mirror, running the whole
width of the wall, reflects the two actors, a script lying
on the table between them. It is obvious now that they are
rehearsing a scene that Alvy wrote.
(In mirrored reflection)
It's an important issue.
(In mirrored reflection)
Alvy, you are totally incapable of
The camera moves back to actual actor and actress.
You're like New York. You're an
(Rising with emotion)
Okay, if that's all that we've been
through together means to you, I
guess it's better if we just said
goodbye, once and for all! You know,
it's funny, after all the serious
talks and passionate moments that it
ends here... in a health food
restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
The actor begins to leave as the actress jumps up from her
Wait! I'm-I'm gonna... go with you.
(The actor comes back.
I love you.
The camera cuts to Alvy, who turns and looks straight into
(To the audience,
Tsch, whatta you want? It was my
first play. You know, you know how
you're always tryin' t' get things
to come out perfect in art because,
uh, it's real difficult in life.
Interestingly, however, I did run
into Annie again. It was on the Upper
West Side of Manhattan.
Annie, singing "Seems Like Old Times," overlaps Alvy's speech
and continues over the next scene, where Alvy, standing in
front of a Manhattan theater, shakes hands with Annie and
her escort. The theater marquee reads "OPHULS PRIZE FILM:
'THE SORROW AND THE PITY'."
(Over the theater
scene and, Annie's
She had moved back to New York. She
was living in SoHo with some guy.
And when I met her she was, of all
things, dragging him in to see "The
Sorrow and the Pity." Which I counted
as a personal triumph. Annie and
(Alvy's voice continues
over the scene shot
through a window of
Manhattan cafe showing
Alvy and Annie sitting
at a table, laughing
...we had lunch sometime after that,
and, uh, just, uh, kicked around old
A series of flashbacks following in quick succession while
Annie continues to sing:
Annie and Alvy going up the FDR Drive, the day they met
playing tennis, Annie driving, Alvy bolding up partially
Annie and Alvy in the Hamptons house kitchen, Annie banding
a live lobster to Alvy, who drops it in the pot on the stove.
Annie and Alvy walking side by side by the shoreline.
Alvy at the tennis club, packing his bag, as he looks over
his shoulder and sees Annie, hands on her face, then clapping,
as she offers him a ride home in her car.
Annie opening the door to Alvy the night he came over to
kill the spider; Annie and, Alvy in the bookstore buying the
"Death" titles; Annie and, Alvy in their Hamptons house,
Annie reading a school catalogue, the night Alvy puts in the
The memories continue to flash on the screen: Annie and Alvy
at a friend's house, Alvy blowing the cocaine all over the
sofa; Annie and Alvy playing tennis; Annie and Alvy having a
picture taken backstage at the college performance in Annie's
hometown; Alvy bolding Annie close, the night he came over
to kill the spider.
And continue: Annie carrying her luggage and clothes into
Alvy's bedroom, Alvy following, the day she first moved into
his apartment. Annie holding up her sexy birthday present
from Alvy, then leaning over and kissing him; Annie and Alvy
walking down a city street, holding each other close; sitting
on the park bench, observing the people; and kissing, on the
FDR Drive, the New York City skyline behind them. The music
Returning to the present, the camera, focusing through the
cafe window, shows Annie and Alvy across street. They look
about at the city traffic. Lunch is over; it's time.
Alvy and Annie shake hands and kiss each other friendly like.
Annie crosses the street, Alvy watching her go. Then he turns,
and slowly walks down the street off screen. His voice is
heard over the scene:
After that it got pretty late. And
we both hadda go, but it was great
seeing Annie again, right? I realized
what a terrific person she was and-
and how much fun it was just knowing
her and I-I thought of that old joke,
you know, this- this-this guy goes
to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc,
uh, my brother's crazy. He thinks
he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor
says, "Well, why don't you turn him
in?" And the guy says, "I would, but
I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's
pretty much how how I feet about
relationships. You know, they're
totally irrational and crazy and
absurd and... but, uh, I guess we
keep goin' through it because, uh,
most of us need the eggs.
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