"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

FADE IN:

EXT. ANDY'S FRONT PORCH - DAY

OPIE lies on his stomach, listening to Andy reading Sunday
comics aloud. Andy wears an open shirt and his Sunday
trousers. Opie is still in his pajamas and bathrobe.

ANDY
And Orphan Annie she says: "Jumpin'
Jehosaphat. The crooks are headin'
for that nice Mr. Deacon's ranch!!...
We better go tell the Chief of
Police!!..." And Sandy, her dog,
says "Arf."

OPIE
What?

ANDY
"Arf"... You know, when he agrees
with her he says "Arf."

OPIE
Oh... Paw, how old is Little Orphan
Annie?

ANDY
Oh, about forty-two, forty-three, I
reckon.

OPIE
(startled)
Little Orphan Annie??

ANDY
No, the comic strip's that old.
Little Orphan Annie's about your
age, I guess.
(continues to read)
So anyway, the dog Sandy says "Arf"
and...

AUNT BEE sticks her head out the door.

AUNT BEE
Opie! You should be getting dressed.
And Andy... you're not going to sit
there reading the paper. We should
get started.

ANDY
Aunt Bee, preachin' don't begin till
eleven o'clock.

AUNT BEE
But we want to get a good seat. And
it's bound to be crowded with that
visiting preacher.

ANDY
Just 'cause he's from New York?

AUNT BEE
It's because he's famous, and
everybody's read his book.

ANDY
I ain't.

AUNT BEE
Well, you. All you read...

ANDY
Aunt Bee, I hold with Reverend Tucker.
He's good enough for me.

AUNT BEE
Andy...

ANDY
We been takin' from Reverend Tucker
a good many years now, and I ain't
about to change.

AUNT BEE
Andy, they're on the same side.
Reverend Tucker invited him. And he
wants a big turnout so we'll make a
good impression. Opie, go get dressed
now.

Opie obeys.

AUNT BEE
--Andy... You, too.

ANDY
All right.

With resignation, he drags himself up.

AUNT BEE
I'll tell Clara we'll pick her up.
I want to find out what she's going
to wear.

ANDY
Now you know what she's going to
wear.

AUNT BEE
(crossing to door)
I know, but I want to find out if
she's going to wear it.

Andy considers the logic of this, find none. Aunt Bee shoos
him into the house.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Aunt Bee is on the telephone. She is dressed for church and
wears a hat and pearl earrings, and caries gloves. Andy is
coming down the stairs, wearing his Sunday suit.

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
... she didn't... But how could she
deny it? Everyone knows she's been
henna-rinsing for years... Oh, natural
red-head my foot. Why, she's been
rinsing so long her temples are henna-
colored.

ANDY
Aunt Bee... You still on with Clara?

Opie comes down stairs. He, too, is all slicked up.

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
Let's see, what was it I called you
about? Oh yes... We're going to
church and we'll pick you up. By
the way, Clara, what are you going
to be wearing?

ANDY
Come on Aunt Bee...

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
Clara, what do you think about
earrings? Do you think they're too
much?

ANDY
Come on Aunt Bee.

AUNT BEE
(ignoring him)
Of course, it is Sunday. But this
preacher's from New York.

ANDY
Come on Aunt Bee.

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
Well I haven't been there either,
but I always imagine them with
earrings.

ANDY
Aunt Bee, let's go.

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
Well, I don't want to wear them if
you're not going to wear them.

ANDY
Me and Opie ain't wearin' any.

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
Well, what do you think? I know
Reverend Tucker wants us to make a
good impression.

ANDY
Play it safe and just wear one.

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
You're right. And if we see the
others don't, we'll go behind the
bushes and take them off. Now what
about perfume?

ANDY
Aunt Bee! You can talk it over at
church--if you ever get there!

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
Excuse me, Clara. Andy's shouting
at me.

She turns to Andy.

ANDY
I'm goin' to preachin'. You coming?

AUNT BEE
(into phone)
I have to go, Clara. Call me later
in the week, Clara. Oh, no! I'll
be seeing you. We'll be right over.

She puts the phone down.

ANDY
(wearily)
Can we go now?

AUNT BEE
Well, I've been sitting here waiting
for you.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CHURCH - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - CHURCH BILLBOARD

From the church come the voices of the CONGREGATION singing
a hymn, accompanied by the organ. The billboard reads:

ALL SOULS CHURCH

Rev. Hobart M. Tucker, D.D.

Sermon:

"What's Your Hurry?"

Dr. Harrison Everett Breen

of New York City

INT. CHURCH - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW

Barney is next to the aisle, sharing a hymnal with Andy.
Beside them in the pew are Opie, Aunt Bee, and Clara. Behind
them is Gomer. All are singing earnestly. Clara nudges
Aunt Bee and points across the aisle, without pausing in her
singing. Aunt Bee turns to look.

MED. SHOT - PEW ACROSS AISLE - AUNT BEE'S POINT OF VIEW

An ACQUAINTANCE smiles and nods to Aunt Bee, and in pantomime
compliments her on her hat--without missing a word from the
hymn.

CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW

Aunt Bee smiles in acknowledgment, and return the compliment.
Barney is distracted by a woman across aisle, loses his place
in hymnal. Andy helps him find it.

OMITTED

OMITTED

OMITTED

MED. SHOT - DR. TUCKER

Dr. Tucker, the local minister, has crossed to the lectern.
He is easy-going, benign. Congregation sits.

DR. TUCKER
We are greatly honored today. It is
out happy privilege to welcome to
our midst a very dear friend of mine,
Dr. Harrison Everett Breen, of New
York City.

He turns to bow to DR. BREEN, who is seated at one side of
the chancel. Dr. Breen nods and smiles. He is younger than
Dr. Tucker, and a more forceful type.

DR. TUCKER
Dr. Breen has interrupted his vacation
to join us in worship this morning
and to bring us, I know, an inspiring
message. Dr. Breen...

Dr. Breen rises and crosses to the pulpit, as Dr. Tucker
withdraws.

CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW - BARNEY AND ANDY

Barney is about to applaud. Andy catches his hand and shakes
his head.

MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN

Dr. Breen enters the pulpit, grasps it with both hands, and
pauses impressively.

CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW - ANDY AND AUNT BEE

Andy and Aunt Bee slap at a fly that is annoying them, then
settle back to give Dr. Breen their earnest attention. Aunt
Bee fans herself with her program.

MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN

He waits for the throat-clearing to stop and the congregation
to settle down. Then he begins. His delivery is dynamic.
Every word is significant. He makes the pauses count, too.

DR. BREEN
As I stood here, during the singing
of the hymn, I asked myself, "What
message have I to bring to these
good people of Mayberry?" And I was
reminded of an incident. A young
man came to me recently, and said
he, "Dr. Breen... what is the meaning
of it all?" And I said to him, "Young
man... I'm glad you asked!"

TWO SHOT - AUNT BEE AND ANDY

They turn to each other and nod. Aunt Bee notices a bit of
lint on Andy's lapel and picks it off, then turns back to
give he attention to Dr. Breen. During this:

DR. BREEN
(over congregation)
My friends, I wish more of us found
the time to ask that question!

MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN

DR. BREEN
Whither? Whither are we headed?
And why? Why this senseless rush,
this mad pursuit, this frantic
competition, this pace that kills?
Why do we drive ourselves as we do?

TWO SHOT - ANDY AND BARNEY

Andy turns to Barney and nods emphatically. Barney is caught
in the midst of a yawn, but he stifles it and nods in
agreement. Andy frowns, but the yawn is contagious, and he
struggles with it himself. This bounces it back to Barney,
who lets go with a real jaw-stretcher. Andy frowns again
and shakes his head. Barney pantomimes his innocence.
Through all this the voice of Dr. Breen continues:

DR. BREEN
(over congregation)
In our furious race these days to
conquer outer space, are we not,
perhaps, neglecting inner space?
Shall we hope to find the secret of
the universe by hurtling through it?
Shall we find the true meaning of
life by fleeing from it?

CLOSE SHOT - GOMER

Gomer is sound asleep. He lets out a loud snore. Opie turns
around to look. The man next to Gomer, whose head has been
nodding too, snaps it up. He jabs Gomer with his elbow.
Gomer comes to with a start and almost falls out of his seat.
Through this the voice of Dr. Breen continues without
interruption:

DR. BREEN
(over shoulder)
Consider how we live our lives today.
Everything is "run, run, run!" We
bolt our breakfast, we scan the
headlines, we race to the office.
The full schedule and the split second--
these are the gauges of success. We
drive ourselves from morn to night.

MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN

DR. BREEN
My friends, we've forgotten the
meaning of the word, "Relaxation!"

He pauses to survey the congregation, and slows down his
tempo. His delivery becomes soothing and mellifluous.

DR. BREEN
What has become of the old-fashioned
ways... the simple pleasures of the
past? Who can forget, for example,
the old-fashioned band concert at
twilight on the village green? The
joy and serenity of just sitting and
listening?

OMITTED

LONG - SHOT - SHOOTING OVER THE CONGREGATION TO PREACHER

Andy folds his arms and leans back reminiscently, with his
eyes on the ceiling. Barney's head is nodding.

DR. BREEN
This is lost to us today, and this
we should strive to recapture. A
simple, innocent pleasure. And so I
say to you dear friends: "Relax,
slow down, take it easy. What's
your hurry? What, indeed, friends,
is your hurry?..."

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CHURCH - DAY

Inside, the organ is still playing the recessional. Dr.
Tucker stands at the door, with Dr. Breen, greeting the
parishioners as they come out. Gomer leads Opie off.

AUNT BEE
A lovely service, Dr. Tucker. Just
lovely.
(turns to Breen)
And I thought the sermon was
magnificent.

CLARA
Simply magnificent.

DR. BREEN
Well, thank you.

DR. TUCKER
Dr. Breen, may I introduce Sheriff
Taylor... his Aunt Bee... Mrs. Johnson
and Deputy Fife.

They ad lib greetings and shake hands.

AUNT BEE
Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such
a wonderful lesson for us.

ANDY
Yes, sir, you really hit the nail
right on the head there.

BARNEY
Yes, sir, that's one subject you
just can't talk enough about... SIN.

They all look at him. Barney shifts uneasily.

DR. BREEN
Well, thank you.

AUNT BEE
Will you be around long? We'd be
very honored to have you come to
dinner.

DR. BREEN
I wish I could but I did promise to
drive over to Mt. Pilot this afternoon
to preach a service. But on my way
back this evening, I'll stop and
have coffee with you, if I may.

AUNT BEE
Oh, we do hope you will.

ANDY
Oh, that'd be mighty nice. We'll
look forward to seeing you.

DR. BREEN
Bye.

Ad lib goodbyes. They start out. Bee and Clara comment
about Dr. Breen to themselves. As Andy and Barney pass
Camera:

ANDY
Talk about sin!

BARNEY
Huh?

They exit shot.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. ANDY'S FRONT PORCH - DAY

Andy and Barney seated in rocking chairs.

BARNEY
Man, we really packed it away, didn't
we?

ANDY
Yeah, boy.

BARNEY
(pats tummy)
Fortunately, none of mine goes to
fat. All goes to muscle.

ANDY
Does, huh?

BARNEY
It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything
we eat goes to muscle.
(pats tummy)
See there?

ANDY
I see.

BARNEY
My mother was the same way. She
could eat and eat and eat...

ANDY
Never went to fat...

BARNEY
(nods)
Know where it went?

ANDY
Muscle?

Barney nods.

BARNEY
It was a mark of us Fifes...

ANDY
You know what I believe I'll do?
Run down to the drugstore and get
some ice cream for later.

BARNEY
You want me to go? I'll go.

ANDY
No, I'll go.

BARNEY
I don't mind going.

ANDY
I don't either. I can go.

BARNEY
You're probably tired... Why don't
you let me go?

ANDY
No, I'm not tired. I'll go.

BARNEY
I sure don't mind going.

ANDY
Why don't we both just go?

BARNEY
Okay.

ANDY
You ready?

BARNEY
Uh huh.

Now both rise slowly.

BARNEY
Where we goin'?

ANDY
Down to the drugstore to get some
ice cream for later.

Aunt Bee comes out on porch.

AUNT BEE
Andy, where you boys going?

ANDY
We thought we'd run down to the
drugstore to get some ice cream for
later.

AUNT BEE
Well, why do you want to run to the
drugstore, as if it can't wait...

ANDY
Huh?

AUNT BEE
That's exactly what the preacher was
talking about this morning. Seems
as if nothing can wait. Everything
is rush rush rush!

Both sit down.

GOMER
(over shoulder)
Hey Andy!

Andy spies Gomer over shoulder.

ANDY
Hey Gomer! Where are you headed?

Now Gomer comes up on porch, his jacket slung over his
shoulder.

GOMER
Oh, I just thought I'd run over to
Cousin Goober's and watch him wash
his car.

AUNT BEE
See? There's another example. Run
run run. Exactly what Dr. Breen was
talking about this morning. People
just don't know how to relax.

ANDY
She's right, you know that?

BARNEY
Yeah.

ANDY
Sit down, Gomer!

GOMER
Crazy. I guess I just wasn't
thinking.

ANDY
'Member when we used to have them
band concerts Dr. Breen was talkin'
about?

AUNT BEE
(reminiscing)
Yes, that was relaxing, wasn't it?
Sitting around on a Sunday evening
listening to music...

ANDY
Yeah... I'm kind of sorry we don't
have the town band anymore.

BARNEY
Sure wish we had it again.

AUNT BEE
(beat)
Andy, do you think you could?

ANDY
Could what?

AUNT BEE
Organize the band again?

ANDY
Well, I don't know.

AUNT BEE
I bet you could if you put your mind
to it.

ANDY
You know, the boys might enjoy getting
together again.

BARNEY
Of course they would.

AUNT BEE
Uniforms need a bit 'o repairin',
but I could call Clara to help me
fix them up.

ANDY
I'd hafta get the boys together.

AUNT BEE
Fine.

ANDY
Well, the band stand's all busted
and layin' over there in the junk
heap. It'll need some carpenterin'.

GOMER
I'll lend you a hand with it.

ANDY
(inspired now)
You know the way we're talkin', we're
talkin' about gettin' up a band
concert by tonight.

AUNT BEE
Why not?

BARNEY
Yeah, why not? If we all pitch in,
Gomer'n me'll get started on the
stand.

GOMER
I'll borrow us some tools.

AUNT BEE
I'll call Clara. We can get started
on the uniforms.

ANDY
I'll just go out to the garage and
get my horn.

Now they are all up and buzzing with excitement over their
new project.

AUNT BEE
(on way to the door)
Oh, we're actually gonna have a band
concert tonight.

And they scurry to their tasks in different directions, as
we,

FADE OUT

- END OF ACT ONE -

- ACT TWO -

FADE IN

EXT. AREA BEHIND SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY

The bandstand is a smallish platform, big enough to
accommodate about six musicians. Andy is sawing a two-by-
four. Barney walks into scene carrying a large poster.
Andy wipes brow.

BARNEY
Bandstand's gonna be a lot more work
than we thought, huh?

ANDY
Yeah, but if we stick with it, we
can get 're done. Then we'll just
haul 're over to the square... Whatcha
got?

BARNEY
Poster I made to put on the back of
the squad car. You know--let folks
know.

Andy turns poster around and reads:

"CONCERT TONIGHT-

RELAX TO

MUSIC UNDER THE STARS."

BARNEY
Ya like that? I made it up.

ANDY
Good...
(looks up at sky)
Might be cloudin' up, though.

BARNEY
Well... I could change it to "Music
Under the Clouds"?

Andy shakes his head.

BARNEY
"Music Under the Sky"?

ANDY
It's outdoors... That's obvious.

BARNEY
How about I just leave that part out
altogether?

ANDY
Well, what have ya got left here:
"Concert Tonight Relax To"?

BARNEY
How about just "Concert Tonight"?

ANDY
When they hear the music, they'll
know it's a concert.

BARNEY
And they'll know it's tonight too,
right?

ANDY
Right.

BARNEY
Forget the poster, huh?

ANDY
I would.

Now Gomer comes into scene carrying hammer and saw.

ANDY
You get Goober?

GOMER
Goober wouldn't come, but he borrowed
us these tools. Only thing is I'm
the only one can use 'em. He don't
want strangers usin' 'em. Only a
relative.

BARNEY
(rolls eyes)
Oh, brother.

GOMER
No... it don't hafta be. Can be a
cousin like me.

BARNEY
I meant--oh, skip it.

ANDY
Why wouldn't Goober come? He still
washin' his car?

GOMER
(nods)
I begged him but him and his maw are
goin' visitn', and he said he wouldn't
put his mother in a dirty car.

ANDY
(shakes his head)
Just like Dr. Breen said--everything's
rush, rush, rush.

GOMER
Goober says hey, though.

ANDY
(disgruntled)
Hey to Goober... Come on, grab hold.
Lend us a hand.

GOMER
Grab hold o' what?

Andy crosses to the bandstand.

ANDY
Well, we've got to prop up those
timbers, and get that sag out o' the
middle.

BARNEY
Yeah, if she's goin' to go, that's
where she goin' to go.

ANDY
Have to crawl in under there somehow
and heave up on those timbers, so's
to wedge this in.

He indicates the two-by-four he has cut.

BARNEY
Why don't we use a jack. We got one
in the car.

ANDY
Barn! That's an inspiration! Here,
I've got to go see how Aunt Bee's
comin' with the uniforms. I promised
I'd get her another sewing machine.
Take charge here.

Andy departs, and Barney takes over. He folds his arms and
leans against the bandstand, prepared to supervise.

BARNEY
Okay, Gomer, you heard what Andy
said. I'm in charge. Let's get
cuttin' here... You crawl in under
there, and I'll go get the jack.

Gomer squats down and peers dubiously under the bandstand.

GOMER
Damp under there. Could be spiders.

BARNEY
(impatiently)
Now what makes you think there's
spiders under there?

GOMER
Cause... if I was a spider, that's
where I'd go.

BARNEY
Gomer, there are no spiders under
there. Now let's get movin'.

GOMER
(hesitant)
I don't know. Sure looks spidery to
me.

BARNEY
There are no spiders under there.
Now will ya stop worryin'?

GOMER
But, Barney, if I crawl under there...

BARNEY
Look... Are we gonna do this or ain't
we? We all agreed we wanted to have
a band concert tonight. Well, it
ain't gonna happen if you just stand
around. Now let's get moving.

GOMER
But, Barney, I'm sure that...

BARNEY
Gomer, get down there with them
spiders and start workin'!

QUICK DISSOLVE TO

EXT. ANDY'S PORCH - DAY

Andy enters to go into house. He carries a portable sewing
machine.

INT. ANDY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Aunt Bee and Clara are busily and noisily engaged in fitting
uniform on a model. They part as Andy enters and we see
they have been covering Opie, who stands on a footstool acting
as a model. Opie wears a jacket that reaches to his ankles,
also a cap that covers his eyes.

ANDY
Somebody I know under there?

He lifts cap off Opie's eyes.

OPIE
(wearily)
Paw, can I go now? I'm tired of
bein' a tailor's dummy.

AUNT BEE
In a little while... Land sakes,
don't be so impatient.

ANDY
Got ya another machine over at Louise
Palmer's

AUNT BEE
Well, I hope it'll do some good.

ANDY
Whatsa matter?

AUNT BEE
These uniforms are in terrible shape.
But we'll do the best we can.

ANDY
You need me for anythin' else. Aunt
Bee? I got to get on with band
rehearsal.

AUNT BEE
No, you run along.

ANDY
Call me if ya need anything.

He exits. Clara comes to her.

CLARA
Bee, I think we're going to have to
restitch every one of those seams.
Cheap thread, that's what it is.

Clara holds up jacket.

CLARA
And will you look at that: mildew.
You can't expect me to do anything
about mildew.

AUNT BEE
(testy)
Well, don't blame me for it. It's
not my fault these uniforms are in
such bad condition. I didn't store
them, you know.

CLARA
Well, neither did I, Bee.

AUNT BEE
I didn't say you did... But we aren't
going to get any work done if we
stand around arguing like this.

CLARA
We have been working, Bee. We just
can't perform miracles.

OPIE
Can I go now, Aunt Bee?

AUNT BEE
(turning on him)
No you cannot! Now just hold still!

And they fall to work again.

QUICK DISSOLVE TO

INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY

Andy is in front of desk playing tuba faces four musicians
seated in front of music stands. They are just finishing
"The Skater's Waltz," which is hardly recognizable. At finish
Andy sighs.

ANDY
I knew we was outa practice, But I
didn't know we was that much outa
practice.
(to saxophonist)
Luther, you're a little late now and
then.

LUTHER
(cups hand)
What say?

ANDY
(louder)
I say you're late... you're draggin'.

LUTHER
Sounded real good to me, too.

ANDY
No... it was off, way off.

LUTHER
(hand to ear)
How's that?

ANDY
It was off. Boys, we just got to
get with it. Let's take "The Skater's
Waltz" once more. And let's do it
better this time.

LUTHER
What'd ya say, Andy?

ANDY
(patiently, louder)
I say let's do it again, and do it
better...

LUTHER
Sounded real good to me.

ANDY
Ready? One, two...

They play. It sounds horrible. Andy stops. He waves his
hands to stop the others. Intent on their music, and unable
to hear him, they keep right on.

ANDY
Hold it!... Whoa!... Fellers!

All stop except saxophonist, who blissfully plays on.

ANDY
(shouts)
Luther! Hold it! Hold it!

Luther stops. Looks around.

LUTHER
What'd ya say, Andy? What'd ya stop
us for? We was goin' real good that
time.

ANDY
We got the spirit all right. We
just got to get together on the tune.

CLARINETIST
I'm together. It's him.

He points to the trombonist.

TROMBONIST
(indignantly)
Don't tell me! I'm playing what's
wrote here. Look at the notes!

CLARINETIST
You read 'em. You're the one that's
missin' 'em.

TROMBONIST
Don't tell me!

Ad lib argument. During this Aunt Bee and Clara enter arguing
as they come in. Aunt Bee holds the torn, mildewed jacket.

CLARA
Bee, I told you before we started,
we couldn't do it.

AUNT BEE
I know what you told me, Clara. But
it didn't hurt to try, did it?

CLARA
If you ask me, it was just a waste
of time.

AUNT BEE
Well, I don't think so.

ANDY
Wait a minute, ladies, wait a minute.
Whatsa matter?

AUNT BEE
Oh, it's no use, Andy. These uniforms
are just too far gone. Look at this.
(holds up jacket)
And the others are even worse.

CLARA
I told you it was a waste of time.

AUNT BEE
Yes, I know you said that, Clara.
(to Andy)
We worked and worked, but we just
couldn't do it.

ANDY
That's a shame, boys... looks like
no uniforms.

TROMBONIST
Well, I wished I'd a known, Andy. I
sure can't play without a uniform.

CLARINETIST
You sure can't play with one.

TROMBONIST
That supposed to be funny?

Ad lib argument. During it, Barney and Gomer enter,
quarreling.

GOMER
Wasn't my fault. It was you and
your jack.

BARNEY
Oh, pipe down, Gomer. Just pipe
down!

The others have stopped their argument and now turn to Barney
and Gomer.

ANDY
Don't tell me you got bad news, too.

BARNEY
Well, it's about the bandstand.

ANDY
What about it?

BARNEY
You tell him. You did it.

GOMER
I didn't do nothin'.

BARNEY
You and Goober's hammer.

GOMER
You and your jack! I told you I
heard somethin' give.

Ad lib argument between them.

ANDY
Wait... Hold it! What happened?

GOMER
Well, was was under there, see, and
you know how dark it is. Spiders
and all...

BARNEY
(to Andy)
I don't know what he hit, but it
musta' been holdin' up the whole
shebang.

GOMER
I didn't go to hit nothin'! Just
took a whack at a spider. I told ya
there was spiders under there.

BARNEY
Anyways, she begun to creak and
rumble... and
(makes a crashing
sound)

ANDY
(appalled)
The whole thing?

Barney nods.

ANDY
(desperately)
Well, is there any chance of proppin'
it up again?

GOMER
It's a whole day's work, and I'm
just too pooped to start.

BARNEY
Well, I'm too pooped, I'll tell you
that. I don't see how you're going
to have a band concert without a
bandstand.

AUNT BEE
And then, I've no uniforms.

CLARA
Oh, I knew they weren't going to
have uniforms.

Now all parties fall to arguing with each other. Andy tries
to stop them.

ANDY
(shouting)
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold
it! We can still practice! Listen!

LUTHER
Practice? You ready to go again,
Andy?

And Luther starts to play his saxophone to add to the din.
Andy sags defeated.

FADE OUT

- END OF ACT TWO -

- TAG -

EXT. ANDY'S PORCH - DAY

Opie lying on stomach with one arm hanging over the edge of
porch. Barney sits soaking feet in a pail of water. Aunt
Bee sits exhausted fanning herself. Clara is there. Andy
is spread out on chair and rubs salve in palms of his hands.
Gomer sits on top step with head propped against porch post.
He rubs his neck.

ANDY
Well... nobody can say we didn't at
least try to have a band concert.

BARNEY
Sure can't say that.

Gomer is looking at his hand.

GOMER
Spider bite!
(he looks at Barney
about to say something--)

At this point Dr. Breen drive into driveway, gets out, crosses
to porch.

DR. BREEN
Good evening, folks...

All ad lib greetings.

DR. BREEN
Well, I said I'd stop by on my way
back and have coffee with you, but
now I'm afraid I won't even be able
to do that.

AUNT BEE
Oh--what a shame!

DR. BREEN
(surveying them)
Well, it seems as if my sermon this
morning had some effect.

ANDY
Scuse me?

DR. BREEN
Look at you all... nice and relaxed.
A picture of contentment. Yes, you
all look as serene and relaxed as
if... as if you just finished
listening to a pleasant band
concert... yes.

All look at each other.

DR. BREEN
Good, good... I'm happy to see it.
Well, if you'll all excuse me, I
have to rush back to New York now...
Goodbye, again...

He starts toward car. Gomer calls after him.

GOMER
Oh, reverend, we ain't relaxed. As
a matter of fact, we're pooped...
See, we tried to organize a--

ANDY
Gomer!

Dr. Breen has stopped and taken a step back to them.

DR. BREEN
I beg your pardon?

ANDY
Oh, nothin', Reverend... Gomer was
uh... Gomer was just sayin: "What's
your hurry?"

DR. BREEN
Hm?... Oh... Yes... yes.

He smiles, slows his move to the car, as all wearily wave
goodbye.

FADE OUT

THE END

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