"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"GREAT FALLS"

(released as "AMERICAN PIE")

by

Adam Herz

PRODUCTION DRAFT

7/7/98



INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PAN across details in a bedroom... we see discarded shirts...
pants... socks... and hear

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, yeah. Oh, baby, you're so good.

JIM (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm the best, baby.

Now we see a TV... but the picture isn't clear. Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in and
out. Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional glimpses
of what looks like --

JIM (O.S.)
...oh -- that was a tit, tits...

As most high-school guys know (but few will admit), it is
possible to watch the pay channels while they're scrambled.
You just need a decent imagination to fill in the rest of
the picture. We PULL BACK to see JIM -- 17, short, horny.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Give it to me! Yes!

JIM
Oh yeah, baby, I'll give it to you.

Jim is, uh, physically involved with the scrambled babe.

We TILT DOWN to see a small multimedia presentation next to
Jim on his bed. "Cosmopolitan" is open to a sexy model... a
yearbook is open to the "girl's swim team" section... and a
dictionary next to Jim, open to the "Vagina" listing,
accompanied by a big vagina diagram.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Don't you love my sexy body?!

JIM
I do, baby, I do.

He frantically looks around... and grabs a tube sock off the
floor.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
You're so big!

JIM
Yeah, that's right.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
(deep macho voice)
Ohhh, tell me you're a nasty girl!

Jim is thrown off.

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
Yeahhh, you been bad, real bad!

JIM
Man, shut up!

Suddenly there's a KNOCK at the door, immediately after which
JIM'S MOM enters. Jim scrambles and quickly covers himself
and the dictionary with a pillow. She's oblivious to his
doings.

JIM'S MOM
Hey, Jimmy. I just wanted to say
sweet dreams.

JIM
Yep, okay Mom, 'night.

JIM'S MOM
(leans in to Jim)
Kiss goodnight.

Jim is revolted. Very reluctantly he gives her a kiss.

She turns to leave, and notices the TV.

JIM'S MOM
Is something wrong with the reception?

JIM
Yeah. Damn cable. There's this nature
show that I'm trying to watch.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Fuck me! Yes!

JIM
Uh...

He hurriedly tries to change the channel with the REMOTE,
but instead the VOLUME GOES UP.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
BLOW YOUR WAD ON MY TITS!!

Jim panics as his mom reacts, shocked.

JIM
(choking)
Must... be... broken...

JIM'S DAD enters.

JIM'S DAD
What the heck is this?

JIM
Nothing!

JIM'S MOM
I think he's trying to watch one of
the illegal channels.

JIM
Jesus, Mom! They're not illegal!
They're pay channels. How could a
television channel be illegal?!
God, get a clue!

JIM'S DAD
James, don't speak that way to your
mother!

PORNO-CHANNEL STUD (V.O.)
Play with my hairy balls!

JIM'S DAD
Turn that garbage off! Give me that!

Jim's Dad grabs for the remote, which is sitting on the pillow
that's been covering Jim. The pillow gets brushed aside --
revealing the Big Vagina Diagram, Jim with his shorts down,
and a very strategically placed tube sock.

JIM'S MOM
Oh my God!

JIM'S DAD
Honey, why don't you let me handle
this one.

He ushers her out. Jim's Dad is stuck there with his half-
naked son. Horrible, awful embarrassment. A long, strained
beat.

JIM'S DAD
Jesus Christ. The dictionary? Hell,
son, I'll buy you some dirty
magazines.

Jim's Dad exits, shaking his head. Jim sits agape, humiliated.

PORNO-CHANNEL CHICK (V.O.)
Oooh, spank me, daddy, spank me!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS - DAY

We see a Honda Accord drive by a sign at the city limits:

"Welcome to East Great Falls, Michigan -- A Great Place To
Be"

EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL - DAY

The front of the school. KEVIN drives up in his Accord.

He's a good-humored, good-enough-looking high school senior.
VICKY rides shotgun -- pretty, smart, confident.

She's holding a large, thick envelope, with a big "Vanderbilt"
return address on it.

KEVIN
It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky.
You got in.

VICKY
You think so?

She tears it open. Pulls out a course catalog, various forms,
and a letter which she hands to Kevin.

KEVIN
"Dear Ms. Hughes. We're sorry, but
after keeping you on the wait list
for the past couple months, we've
decided you are now rejected. Enclosed
is a 100-page, full-color brochure
on how rejected you are."

VICKY
Kevin, this is serious!

KEVIN
You got in.

Vicky SCREAMS in excitement, like a girl at a Beatles concert.
Then she LAUGHS, and gives Kevin a big kiss and hug.

VICKY
I love you!

She hugs Kevin tighter -- as he looks a little frazzled,
almost perfunctorily returning the hug.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - MORNING

Jim has met up with CHRIS OSTREICHER -- "OZ" -- a cocky senior
with a football-player build. He cradles a ball in a lacrosse
stick.

OZ
Illegal channels? Shit, if there's
any channel that should be illegal,
it's whatever that women's channel
is. Lifetime Supply of Pantyhose, or
some shit.

JIM
Yeah -- hey, did you see The Little
Mermaid on TV the other night? That
Ariel, whew.

OZ
She's a mermaid, dude.

JIM
(trumping him)
Yeah, Oz, but not when she's on land.

OZ
She's a cartoon, dude.

JIM
A hot cartoon.

OZ
Is there anything you don't jerk off
to?

JIM
C-Span?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Jim and Oz, now joined by Kevin, walk down the hall. Oz
bounces the lacrosse ball off a locker, catching it again.
Kevin speaks a little distantly, unnerved.

KEVIN
Then she said -- she loves me.

OZ
Oh shit dude, the L-word!

JIM
And you said...

KEVIN
Nothing, I just hugged her back.

JIM
You think she was serious?

KEVIN
I couldn't tell -- She could've meant
like, "I love you grandma" or "I
love you Vanderbilt."

OZ
Just don't bring it up, hang low,
maybe she won't mention it again.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

The guys pass by a GROUP OF BAND DORKS, most notable of which
is MICHELLE, who proudly polishes her flute.

MICHELLE
And what we should do today, in band?
Instead of playing our instruments
regularly? We should play them
backwards! That'll be so funny!

The Band Dorks LAUGH and agree, "hilariously" attempting to
play their instruments from the wrong end. The guys shudder.

OZ
(to Jim)
You guys got the Latin homework?

JIM
No -- Kevin, you?

KEVIN
(offended)
Please.
(then)
We're all golden, we're college bound.
I figured it out -- I can get a c-
minus in every class, and it's not
gonna make a difference. U of M,
here I come.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL NEAR POP MACHINE -
DAY

Vicky is talking with JESSICA, a friend of hers, getting a
pop (we're in the Midwest now, gang) from the machine.

VICKY
Vanderbilt's not that far from U of
M.

JESSICA
Yeah right.

VICKY
What? We both have cars.

JESSICA
Yeah but, no offense, you're talking
about a post-high school, long-
distance relationship, and you and
Kevin haven't even done it yet.

VICKY
That's not why we're going out.

JESSICA
What the hell are you expecting him
to drive to Vanderbilt for? Milk and
cookies?

VICKY
Jessica! He'll drive there for me,
and I'll drive to Ann Arbor for him.
We're going to have sex when he's
ready and I'm ready. It's got to be
completely perfect. I want the right
place, the right time, the right
moment.

JESSICA
Vicky, it's not a space shuttle
launch, it's sex. So did you do the
physics write-up?

VICKY
(offended, a la Kevin)
Please.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are still walking down the hall.

PAUL FINCH, preppy, eccentric, is sitting on a bench.

JIM
There's our man.

KEVIN
Finch, you got the Latin homework?

FINCH
Non habeo. Canis meus id comedit.

The guys keep staring. A beat.

KEVIN
Whatever.

Someone is HOLLERING down the hall. Running towards Oz

is STEVE STIFLER -- very clean-cut and preppy, he's a maniac,
a jackass, much worse than Oz. Not really part of the group.

STIFLER
(yelling)
NOVA!!

OZ
Stifler!!

Stifler runs full-force into Oz, grabbing him in a bear hug.

STIFLER
You coming to party tonight,
Ostreicher, ya fuckface?

OZ
Depends if my date wants to stop by.

STIFLER
That junior chick?

OZ
Nah, gave her the Heisman. I'm working
on something new.

STIFLER
Yeah right. I got an idea for
something new. How 'bout you guys
actually locate your dicks, remove
the shrink wrap, and fuckin' use
'em.

OZ
Dude, it's gotta happen -- she's a
college chick!

STIFLER
Bullshit. From where?

OZ
She works part-time at my dad's store.

STIFLER
Hah! Yeah, Oz, I bet it's more like
your dad works at her store.

OZ
Dude, he does not.

KEVIN
Really, Stifler. He's the manager.

Oz gives a little nod, avoiding the issue.

STIFLER
Hey, man, I'm not making fun. I'm
fuckin' impressed. I mean, "Footlong
or six-inch, white or wheat," that's
some serious shit to master.

Oz musters a little LAUGH.

KEVIN
(half-joking)
Stifler, you're such an asshole.

STIFLER
Meyers, what's the deal with you and
Vicky, anyway? You've been going out
since Homecoming and all she'll do
is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like
a steaming turd.

FINCH
Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of
stool?

STIFLER
(momentarily puzzled)
I do when I'm throwing them at your
mom, you damn freak.
(then)
Alright then, see you guys tonight.
I'll look for you in the No Fucking
section.

The guys all take this little too seriously to have a
comeback. Stifler just LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY as he walks off.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone. Hanging near his closet is a tuxedo.
INTERCUT with KEVIN'S OLDER BROTHER -- 25, on his cell phone,
traveling down a California road.

KEVIN'S BROTHER
You called me to ask me how to get
laid?

KEVIN
What was I gonna do, call dad? I
don't even know his number.

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Just dial 976-Asshole.

KEVIN
Yeah, well anyway... I thought you
might have some advice, brother to
brother. I mean, I think tonight she
might, we might really, there's a
chance that -- you know.

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Have you ever heard of the bible?

KEVIN
What? Not the Bible?

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Well, that's not really the name,
but we always called it that.

KEVIN
Does it tell me how to get laid?

KEVIN'S BROTHER
You know what, nevermind. You're not
ready.

KEVIN
Ready for what?

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Whoop, you're fading out. Good luck
at that party.

INT. DOG DAYS - LATE AFTERNOON

A small, nostalgia-themed dive. Despite the theme, CLASSIC
ROCK plays. Kevin, Oz, Jim and Finch sit at a table. They
munch on hot dogs piled high with condiments.

KEVIN
You ever hear of something called
The Bible?

OZ
Once, in church, dude.

Jim is paging through Great Falls' equivalent of the LA
Weekly.

JIM
Ooh, here's an easy one: "Attractive
SWF, fun loving and a youthful mind
seeks outgoing companion." Okay...
"Attractive"... ugly.

OZ
"Fun loving" -- insane.

KEVIN
Unlisted age, plus "youthful mind,"
equals old.

JIM
No, "Charming" is old. "Older" is
really old. "Youthful mind" is dead.

FINCH
Perhaps you should consider actually
answering an ad.

JIM
Finch, you can be the one to date a
nearly-dead insane chick. Eat your
damn imitation hot dog.

FINCH
("for the hundredth
time")
This is no imitation. Removing the
hot dog from the Ultradog yields a
better dog. Behold -- Ultradog, no
dog.

Finch displays the cross-section on his hot dog. It's all
condiments. The guys react with rehearsed offense.

KEVIN
(checks his watch)
Alright... I'm shooting for a nine
o'clock ETA. Beer in hand by five
after.

JIM
You can crash at Stifler's?

KEVIN
It's all good.
(He pulls out some
gum)
Breath check.

He hands out a stick of gum to each guy, automatically
skipping Finch, who pulls out a small, hotel-bottle of Scope.
Gargles with it. Spits it into his drink cup.

OZ
(repulsed)
Dude, I wish you wouldn't do that.

KEVIN
You got something up your sleeve for
tonight, Finch?

FINCH
A foolproof plan, my friend. You
shall see.

Oz has tuned into the song in the background -- "Blinded by
the Light" [the original Springsteen version, not the Manfred
Mann remake].

OZ
(sings along)
And little hurly-burly came by in
her curly-wurly, and asked me if I
needed I ri-hide --

KEVIN
How the hell do you know all these
random songs?

OZ
It's early Springsteen, dude, this
is classic. This was before the cheesy
remake.

JIM
This was remade? Into what?

OZ
(chiming in as the
chorus hits)
Bli-hinded by the light -- cut loose
like a deuce, another runner in the
night, blinded...

KEVIN
At least now I know what the hell
they're saying.

JIM
So, does my hair look better --
(flips a small lock
of hair onto his
forehead)
like this, or...
(flips it back up)
like this?

OZ
Who cares?

JIM
Nadia does, that Czechoslovakian
chick, she might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she'd prefer --
(flips hair down again)
Cool Hip Jim...
(flips it back up)
or Laid Back Jim?

KEVIN
The difference is so phenomenal, I
can't decide.

EXT. DOG DAYS - MAGIC HOUR - CONTINUING

They exit the restaurant.

JIM
What about you? You're the one with
the girlfriend and you're still
stranded on third base.

KEVIN
You know, I've never got that shit.
What exactly constitutes third base?

OZ
(holds up a couple
fingers)
Contact, dude.

KEVIN
Then where does a blowjob figure in?

They ponder this for a moment.

OZ
Shortstop. 'Course, you don't make
it to third, and you're out.

JIM
So let's say you get there... what's
uh, third base feel like?

KEVIN
Oh, man, that's kind of sad.

Jim shrugs, embarrassed.

OZ
Feels like warm apple pie, dude.

JIM
Apple pie...
(then)
McDonald's or homemade?

They just look at him. Finch hops on his scooter.

FINCH
Gentlemen, see you at the Bacchanalia.

He MEEPS his horn and buzzes away.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT

For a high-school party, it's pretty good. The house is
peppered with ALL TYPES OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS. MUSIC blends
with the din of excited conversation.

Kevin and Jim are drinking beers. Around them, students mingle
and flirt. CHUCK SHERMAN comes up.

SHERMAN
What's up, fellas?

JIM
Hey Sherman. Scopin' the babes.

SHERMAN
Indeed. Some fine ladies here, boys.
Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
is high. Sherman is moving to DefCon
Two, full strategic arsenal ready
for deployment.

JIM
You've got something going?

SHERMAN
Did you see that Central chick?
Brunette?

KEVIN/JIM
No.

SHERMAN
She's around. Seems that she's taken
a liking to me. Fellas, it's time
that she experienced -- The
Sherminator.

KEVIN
Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.

SHERMAN
I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
back through time... to change the
future for one lucky lady.

KEVIN
Yeah man, right on!

Sherman saunters off into the party.

KEVIN
(shakes his head)
Hopeless.

Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
EXCHANGING GREETINGS. Jim spots NADIA across the room.

She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

JIM
Oh, shit! There she is. Nadia.

VICKY
You like her? Her sponsor family
lives on my block. Why don't you
talk to her?

JIM
What would I say?

VICKY
Just tell her what's on your mind.
And smile, you've got a good smile.
(then to Kevin)
Come on.

KEVIN
(to Jim)
Gotta go.

JIM
But --

Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim sees
Nadia approaching him. He freaks.

JIM
Kevin, get back here!

But he's gone. And Nadia is now in front of him. With no
other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

NADIA
(with a really sexy
accent)
You are in my English class, no?

Jim smiles.

JIM
(barely)
Yes.

NADIA
I thought so.

Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid. A beat.

NADIA
So you are having fun?

Jim nods, still smiling away. Staring right through her head.

NADIA
I said, you are having fun?

A little SQUEAK escapes his throat. Jim is on mental vacation.

NADIA
Me too.

A beat. Jim's expression is now plasticized. Eyes vacant. A
frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is confused.

NADIA
Well... I am going to get another
beer. You want one?

Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

JIM
No... you... go... ahead.

NADIA
Okay.

She walks off. Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a huge
burden is now off of him. He wipes his brow. Then, realizing --

JIM
Oh, shit. No! Shit!

He pounds his head with his fist.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

A group of band dorks is on the porch, including Michelle.
Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them in disbelief.

MICHELLE
We're here for the party?

STIFLER
What party? There's no party.

MUSIC blares from inside. A drunken HAND reaches through the
door and ruffles Stifler's hair.

PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Stiff-lerrr! Par-tyyy!!

The hand disappears back into the house. A beat.

STIFLER
Try the house down the street.

Stifler slams the door. The dorks wait a moment.

BAND DORK
Ring the bell again.

MICHELLE
Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
just go in.

We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

VICKY
Oh, Kev.

KEVIN
Vicky -- do you think, maybe... it's
time for us to take the next step in
our relationship?

VICKY
Tonight?

KEVIN
Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
Isn't this how you've always pictured
it?

PARTY GUY (O.S.)
(yelling)
Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!

PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
Go take a shit or something!

Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

KEVIN
Or not.

Vicky pushes him onto his back.

VICKY
Just relax.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK. She's attractive and older-
looking (from a high-school perspective). They are parked
near the river that flows through downtown Great Falls.

OZ
Great evening, isn't it?

COLLEGE CHICK
Sure.

OZ
There's something about the spring
that's just cool. Like the smell of
fresh rain or something.

At this, she snuggles up to him. Oz smiles confidently.

OZ
Suck me, beautiful.

The College Chick backs off, confounded.

COLLEGE CHICK
What did you just say?

OZ
(not so confidently)
Suck me... beautiful?

The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief. She tries to
keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.

COLLEGE CHICK
What?!

Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just had
the rug pulled from under him.

OZ
Uh... you know, my friends call me
Nova -- as in Casanova.

COLLEGE CHICK
You need some work, buddy!

She bursts into laughter. Oz is ill.

OZ
Well... jeez, don't laugh at me.

Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.

COLLEGE CHICK
Look, Chris. There are just some
things you need to learn, that's
all.

OZ
Like what?

She sees that he's lost. Almost feels sorry for him.

COLLEGE CHICK
Alright, well... you've got to tone
it down. You don't need to go to
Lookout Point and spout cheeseball
lines to be romantic.

OZ
...okay...

COLLEGE CHICK
You have to pay attention to a girl.
Be sensitive to her feelings.
Relationships are reciprocal.

OZ
I'm not good in math.

She's trying not to laugh again.

COLLEGE CHICK
Come on, I'll drop you off at your
friends'.

Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME

Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
Stifler, and some guys.

STIFLER
(hysterical, toppling
over)
You actually said that?! Haaaah!!

OZ
Shut the fuck up.

JIM
Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.

OZ
Oh that's really reassuring. And
don't call me Nova anymore. I'm a
fraud.

STIFLER
This is pathetic. I'm gonna find me
a little hottie.

Stifler strides into another room.

STIFLER (O.S.)
(yelling)
Suck me, beautiful!

Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Vicky is pleasuring Kevin... you know.

VICKY
(brief pause)
Let me know.

KEVIN
Okay, don't stop.

She resumes. A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
lose it.

KEVIN
Oh -- Now!

With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin frantically
searches for a receptacle. He grabs a nearby cup of beer.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg. A fresh beer foams out
into the cup.

GUY #1
There we go.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS
LATER

Vicky is buttoning up her shirt. Kevin tentatively sets down
the beer and buttons his pants. Suddenly the DOOR BURSTS
OPEN. Stifler is standing there. A coat hanger sticks out of
the doorknob.

STIFLER
SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!

KEVIN
God dammit, Stifler!

STIFLER
Check-out time! Please vacate the
room.

VICKY
Stifler, you're such a jerk.

She runs out, grabbing her clothes. Kevin runs after her.

KEVIN
Vicky, wait!

Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
CHICK behind him. He closes the door.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
God, I can't believe there are so
many cool people at this party.

STIFLER
Yep.

SOPHOMORE
And you got a keg, too, wow.
(realizing)
Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.

Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.

He hands it to her.

STIFLER
Here, babe.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
Thanks.

She's about to take a sip.

STIFLER
(gazing into her eyes)
You're really beautiful.

Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
Really?

STIFLER
Uh huh.

She's totally enthralled. Nervous, she raises the beer again
to take a sip. Then Stifler moves in. Takes the beer from
her and sets it down. Starts kissing her. She breaks it off.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
I don't know if I want to be doing
this.

STIFLER
(sighs)
Doing what?

Stifler looks inconvenienced. He picks up the beer, annoyed.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
You know. If we hook up, tomorrow
I'll just be some girl you go telling
all your friends about.

STIFLER
(shifty)
No way.

Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

SOPHOMORE CHICK
(a little angry)
Steve! You could at least look at me
when you say that.

Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.

Lowers it. Stares her in the eye.

STIFLER
Look...
(searching, remembers)
...Sarah. I wouldn't go telling
stories or whatever about you. I
promise.

Smiling, he raises the beer...

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

JIM
What the hell? I should be able to
talk to chicks. I'm articulate. I
got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
(starts listing off
words)
Copious. Verisimilitude.

A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

JIM
(unaffected)
Intransigence.

A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs. The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes running
through the kitchen. SCREAMING. And indeterminate stain is
on her shirt. She bolts out the door and into the night. A
moment passes.

JIM
Regurgitation.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet. Jim and a
few other guys rush in.

GUY #1
Oh, gross.

JIM
Jesus, what did you eat?

Stifler just keeps hurling. Kevin enters, holding the remains
of the tainted beer.

KEVIN
Stifler, how's the man chowder?!

Stifler barfs even more violently.

EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg. Nadia
waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

VICKY
He likes it.

JESSICA
Of course he does. What about you?
Have you just never had one with
Kevin -- or have you never had one,
period?

VICKY
I think I've had one.

JESSICA
Well that's a no. No wonder you're
not psyched about sex.
(starts filling Vicky's
beer)
You've never even had one manually?

VICKY
...I've never tried it.

JESSICA
Are you kidding? You've never double-
clicked your mouse?

Vicky shrugs.

JESSICA
Hell, just a pair of tight pants
will set me off.
(noticing Nadia next
to them, she passes
the tap along)
Am I right or what, Nadia?

NADIA
(no bones about it)
You are right. The hands are not
always necessary.

JESSICA
(to Vicky)
See?

NADIA
In fact -- I should teach you my own
special method. I developed it myself
at the ballet institute in Prague.
You use nothing but the muscles of
the inner thigh.

Nadia walks off.

JESSICA
No wonder she never pays attention
in class.

Vicky nods, traumatized.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER

Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM on
the wall. Very attractive, late 30's.

JIM
Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
like this produced a guy like Stifler.

TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

FRESHMAN GUY
Dude! That chick -- is a MILF!

FRESHMAN GUY #2
What the hell is that?

FRESHMAN GUY
M-I-L-F! Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches. Sherman pokes
his head out.

SHERMAN
(hushed, to guys)
Don't you think you fellas could try
a little tact? I've got company.
Know what I mean?

In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central Girl.
Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there, dumbstruck.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT

Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

KEVIN
(snapping)
Dammit! If Sherman has sex before I
do, I'm gonna be really fucking
pissed.

They turn the corner into the kitchen.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

KEVIN
Man, I just gotta get laid already!
This blowjob thing is bullshit!

He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him.

Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Hurt. OTHER STUDENTS watch,
silently. Kevin doesn't know what to say.

VICKY
Jessica, can you drive me home?

JESSICA
Sure.

The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

KEVIN
Vicky, wait.

VICKY
Not for you.

The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in shock.

PARTY GUY (O.S.)
Yeti! I am the Yeti!

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY

The next morning. The party is long over. Plastic beer cups
and various bottles litter the house, but it's not trashed.

Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He
stumbles over a body. It's Kevin.

KEVIN
Ow, what the hell?

JIM
Sorry, I thought you were dead.

They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is sitting
on the couch.

FINCH
Good morning gentleman.

JIM
Finch! Where were you last night?
What happened to the foolproof plan?

FINCH
I thought a fashionably late entrance
would enhance my appearance.
(off their looks)
When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
over and the nymphs had left.

Oz wanders in, still sullen. Takes a seat, sulking.

KEVIN
Feeling better, Oz?

OZ
I'm such a loser.

KEVIN
That's the spirit.

We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs. It's the CENTRAL
GIRL. She wears a "Central" sweatshirt. Sherman follows behind
her. The guys watch in disbelief as Sherman and the girl
speak hushed, intimately.

SHERMAN
(snippets of
conversation)
...I'll never forget... thank you.

The Central Girl smiles. Notices the other guys watching.
Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

CENTRAL GIRL
Bye.

She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang.

Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys.

JIM
You did it.

SHERMAN
Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
the boy. I am now a man.

The guys are shocked and amazed.

SHERMAN
I highly recommend you join the club.

KEVIN
I -- I don't get it, how the hell
did you do that?

SHERMAN
It was just my time, fellas, it was
just my time. Best of luck to you,
boys.

Sherman exits. Silence. The guys look like they just lost
the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats, ruined.

KEVIN
I put in months of quality time with
Vicky. Sherman meets a chick for one
night and scores? This is just wrong.

OZ
No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
How the hell am I gonna become this
Mr. Sensitive Man?

JIM
Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
as virgins. They've probably got
special dorms for people like us.

A long beat as they give this serious consideration.

Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the group.

KEVIN
Alright, I got an idea. But it stays
between us. Agreed?

They do.

KEVIN
Okay. It's really simple. We make an
agreement -- no wait, more than an
agreement.

JIM
Like a bet?

KEVIN
No, a pact. No money involved. This
is more important than any bet. Now
here's the deal: We all get laid
before we graduate.

BEAT

OZ
Dude, it's not like I haven't been
trying to get laid.

KEVIN
This is different. This is better.
Think of when you're working out,
Oz. You need a partner, someone to
spot you. Someone to keep you
motivated.

Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues, arms
outspread.

KEVIN
That's what we are, we keep each
other on track. Prior to this day,
we've postured. We've procrastinated.
We've pretended. We've -- well I
can't think of other p-words, but
we've probably done them too.

JIM
Pontificated.

KEVIN
(ignoring him)
Separately, we are flawed and
vulnerable. But together, we are the
masters of our sexual destiny!

JIM
(kung fu voice)
Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
but our dragon style will defeat it!

OZ
(going on)
The Sha-lin masters from east and
west must unite!

KEVIN
Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
fucking moment here. Now think about
it --

Kevin jumps up on a chair.

KEVIN
No longer will our penises remain
flaccid and unused! From now on, we
fight for every man out there who
isn't getting laid when he should
be! This is our day! This is our
time! And, by God, we're not gonna
let history condemn us to celibacy!
We will make a stand! We will succeed!
We will get laid!

Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on top,
in between them -- it's a pact! They break with a CHEER. Woo-
hoo!

STIFLER
(wandering down from
upstairs)
What the hell are you losers doing?

They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste.

FINCH
If I might ask, when you brush your
teeth, do you spit or swallow?

Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green and
heads back upstairs.

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The guys are finishing up breakfast. Hot dogs & eggs.

KEVIN
Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
consensual sex. No funny stuff. And
no prostitutes, if you were thinking
about that, Finch.

Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"

KEVIN
So, I'm thinking prom is basically
our last big chance.

OZ
Dude, prom sucks.

KEVIN
I know, but think about it -- At the
parties that night. Chicks are gonna
want to do it.

JIM
Yeah, it's like tradition or
something.

KEVIN
Right. That gives us...

JIM
Exactly three weeks to the day.

They take this in with some trepidation.

KEVIN
Alright then. It's official. Any
questions?

There are none. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

KEVIN
To the next step.

The guys raise their drinks.

ALL
To the next step.

They toast. And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING FOR
SEX MONTAGE:

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow pages.
Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together, which
Kevin takes. They part ways.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
confusion. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they paint
pottery with little sponges. Oz looks dubious.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is unpacking his lunch. He carefully unfolds a napkin
to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than that, he's
doing absolutely nothing.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera attached
to his computer. The computer screen reads, "E- DATE: We
Make Love Happen." As Jim fiddles with the camera, a window
on the screen shows his real-time image.

He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" -- the
image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.

The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE. We see he's in the
"Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different bibles.
No luck.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch pulls out a small mustard packet. He neatly snips the
end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a tube of
toothpaste, economically dispensing every last bit of mustard.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim is on his computer. The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
REPLIES." Jim is nonplussed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's locker,
holding their backpacks open. Kevin holds a big shopping
bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms falls out. He
hands it over to Jim... and we see that the guys' packs are
full of various condom boxes.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
examining them.

And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

JIM
(shoving the rubbers
into his night table)
Just a minute!

He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there.

JIM'S DAD
(trying not to look
inside)
Can I come in?

JIM
Yeah, sure.

JIM'S DAD
You're not... busy?

JIM
Dad, come in.

Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.

He takes a seat on Jim's bed.

JIM'S DAD
(fatherly attempt)
Sit down, Jim. Let's talk.

Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

JIM
Okay.

JIM'S DAD
These are for you. From father to
son.

Jim looks at the bag. Uncomfortable. Hesitantly, he takes
it. Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of PERFECT 10.

JIM
Uh... dad...

Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

JIM'S DAD
Go ahead son, there's more.

Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. Cringes.

Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

JIM'S DAD
Now, that one's a little more... a
little more... graphic.

JIM
I know, Dad.

JIM'S DAD
Oh, okay. Here's let me show you.

Jim's Dad takes the bag back. Pulls out a copy of SHAVED.

JIM'S DAD
This, son, is your more exotic dirty
magazine.

JIM
Dad! I know!

JIM'S DAD
Do you know about the clitoris?

JIM
(through clenched
teeth)
Yes dad.

JIM'S DAD
Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
locate.

JIM
(interrupting, hand
up)
Thank you, dad, I got it.

JIM'S DAD
Okay, well that about covers it.

Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

JIM'S DAD
Now, let's put these somewhere where
your mother won't find them.

Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open Jim's
night table. Jim freaks.

JIM
Wait!

But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
unraveled prophylactics. He sours.

JIM'S DAD
(beaten)
I'll have to save this speech for
another day. I'm too worn out.

Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY

Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

KEVIN
Did you get the flowers?
(no response)
What about the poem?

She doesn't care.

KEVIN
Vicky, please don't do this.

Vicky stares him right in the eye. Strong.

VICKY
I'll think about it.

She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby.

She's overheard.

JESSICA
Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
That's easy, she likes you. What you
need to do is learn to press a girl's
buttons. You gotta give her what
she's never had.

KEVIN
What?

JESSICA
I'll give you a hint.
(hot, orgasmic)
"Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
(flat)
Comprende?

KEVIN
You mean... and orgasm?

JESSICA
You got it, stud.

KEVIN
Well... I'm pretty sure I've --

JESSICA
(interrupts
authoritatively)
No you haven't.

KEVIN
But that one time --

JESSICA
(shaking head)
No.

KEVIN
Well of course I'd want to give her
that. I mean, what do you think, I
don't care about her?

JESSICA
Do you?

KEVIN
Of course.

JESSICA
Do you love her?

Kevin squirms.

KEVIN
I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
that.

JESSICA
Well, if you want to get her in the
sack, tell her you love her. That's
how I was duped.

KEVIN
I don't want to dupe her, Jessica.
If I say it, I have to be sure I
mean it.

JESSICA
Well it's up to you. The Big L, or
the Big O.

Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

STIFLER
Dickhead! You gotta see this.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT
LATER

The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those doo-
wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").

Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He's not doing
too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various vocal
jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little waves.

Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
auditorium, listening.

JIM
This is unexpected.

STIFLER
What did you cocks do to him? Shit,
if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
kick Oz off the team on principle
alone.

The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys.

OZ
Hey guys, you came to watch me in
action?

JIM
Yeah, I think you sounded pretty
good.

STIFLER
I think you need your balls
reattached.

OZ
Keep it down, dude.

STIFLER
What the fuck are you doing here?

OZ
This place is an untapped resource.
Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
girls are hot.

ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom is
HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
singing with us.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
his forehead.

HEATHER
I think he's got a nice voice.

VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
(ribbing her)
Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
him how to read.

Heather shakes her head. BACK TO:

STIFLER
You dipshit, you're expecting to
score with some goody-goody choir-
girl priss?

OZ
Dude, watch me work. They go for
sensitive studs like me.

Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER

Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.

Kevin and Jim approach.

KEVIN
This is your plan, Finch?

FINCH
Yep.

He turns a page. Skims the articles. A beat.

KEVIN
This. Right now.

FINCH
Uh-huh.

JIM
You're just gonna sit there and drink
your coffee?

FINCH
Mochaccino.
(then)
Actually, in the spirit of the pact,
I do need to ask for your cooperation
in one small matter.

KEVIN
Of course, Finch. What?

FINCH
Whatever you hear about me, you agree.

KEVIN
What are we gonna hear?

FINCH
You'll see. Gotta go. Sixteen minute
round trip.

JIM
Finch, don't you think it's about
time you learned to take a dump at
school?

FINCH
When was the last time you looked at
the facilities here?

KEVIN
Fifteen minutes ago.

Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand there,
dumbfounded. An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
Uh, guys? Was that Paul Finch?

KEVIN
Yeah.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
You guys have like, seen him in the
locker room, right?

KEVIN
Yeah.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
Is it true that he's really... huge?

JIM
I have no idea. Finch showers in a
bathing suit.

KEVIN
(forced)
No -- it's true. He is... really...
big.

JIM
(loving it)
Yeah, enormous.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
Woah. Does he have a date for prom
yet.

JIM
Definitely not.

ENTHRALLED GIRL
No way!

She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.

They all seem very interested.

KEVIN
(dumbfounded)
Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
he's got girls lining up already.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
Say that again, Kevin?

KEVIN
Uh... I thought you might know a
trick or something. To make her, you
know...

INTERCUT WITH

INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY

Kevin's brother is on his cell phone. A SUSHI CHEF prepares
food behind the counter.

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Orgasm?

The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin's Brother turns away.

KEVIN
Yeah.

SUSHI CUSTOMER
(to Kevin's Brother)
What's good here?

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

KEVIN
What?! How do I do that?

KEVIN'S BROTHER
Uh -- forget that. Look, is that all
you're interested in? Ways to get
your girlfriend into bed?

KEVIN
Well, no. I think... I guess it would
be good to be able to return the
favor. I mean, it would be nice to
know she enjoys things as much as I
do.

KEVIN'S BROTHER
That's good, that's what I needed to
hear. Now you qualify.

KEVIN
Qualify for what?

KEVIN'S BROTHER
You've just inherited The Bible.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section. He carefully
looks about, making sure nobody's watching.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
It originally started as a sex manual,
this book that some guys brought
back from Amsterdam in the early
eighties. What to do with your tongue,
things like that. And each year, it
got passed on to one East student
who was worthy of it.

Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
bibles on the bottom shelf.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
After a couple years, guys started
adding their own techniques. Things
they figured out themselves.

Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom shelf.
Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of the shelf.
Slides it out.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
You have to keep it a secret, and
return it at the end of the year.
So, now you know. Good luck.

There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of
notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking the
binding. The original title is now obscured -- over it,
someone has written "The Bible."

Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue? It's like
that right now.

Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through it.
Full of details. Explicit diagrams. Anecdotes. And atop each
handwritten page is a year, indicating the date it was added.

Kevin reaches the last page. It's blank. He lightly runs his
hand down the empty page.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his shoulder.

JIM
(yells)
Mom?! I'm home!

No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a fresh-
baked pie on the counter. Next to it is a note: "Jimmy -
Apple, your favorite. I'll be home late. Enjoy! Love Mom."

Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma. Then stops... as a
quizzical look spreads across his face.

After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the pie.
Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in his
head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like it's...
well, not a pie.

EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.

His face drops, appalled.

JIM'S DAD
Jim?

JIM
It's not what it looks like!

CUT TO:

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at the
table. Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim's dad is
crushed. You've never seen such disappointment... but he's
trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.

In the middle of the table is the pie. It's decimated. Mushed
up, ruined... violated.

JIM'S DAD
(fighting back tears)
I guess... we'll just tell your
mother... that we ate it all.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Late. Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the Bible.

If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this book,
we'd have a nation of geniuses. He's scrutinizing it. Turning
it sideways and upside down as if trying to decipher cave
paintings.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song. Oz is singing along,
really making it look like he's into it. He closes his eyes,
singing with even more enthusiasm. As the song ends, Oz
continues just a moment more with his shtick -- a little,
heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the number. The thing is, it
actually sounds really good.

Oz opens his eyes... to see the whole group -- especially
the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.

The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

CHOIR TEACHER
What the hell was that?

OZ
Sorry.

CHOIR TEACHER
No, it was good.

OZ
Oh, well...
(noticing Heather
looking at him, he
acts "sensitive")
It came from the heart.

CHOIR TEACHER
Well then keep it coming.
(to everyone)
Alright, people, good work! Keep it
up and we'll do great at the state
competition.

Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

HEATHER
Not bad, Chris.

OZ
(surprised himself)
Really? Hey, thanks -- Heather, right?

HEATHER
Yeah... so... you've got this sort
of... Bobby McFerrin thing going
there.

OZ
(no idea)
Yeah. Right, uh-huh.
(then, back into it)
I feel like I've discovered this
whole new side of me. Music is so
expressive.

HEATHER
(amused)
Okay.
(then)
I mean, I agree, but... aren't you
supposed to be out, like, trying to
decapitate someone with your lacrosse
stick or something?

Oz "gets serious" at this.

OZ
Oh sure. I know what people think.
It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
lacrosse player -- I also play
football, by the way -- But that's
like... not all that I am.

HEATHER
Of course, I didn't --

OZ
(cutting her off)
I mean it really bothers me when
people try to pigeonhole me like
that.

HEATHER
(sparking to this)
You? You think I don't get that?
God, it's like just because I don't
get drunk and barf every weekend,
people say "Oh, here's this goody-
two-shoes choir-girl priss."

Of course, this is what Stifler said about her. And for a
moment, this catches Oz off guard.

OZ
Yeah... so like, what else do you
do?

HEATHER
(offended)
Well the same things you do. Hang
out with friends and stuff, you know,
whatever.
(then)
What do you think I do?

OZ
(genuine)
I just -- realized that I didn't
know anything about you. I was
interested.

HEATHER
Oh... well that's okay. Cool.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY

Kevin is walking home with Vicky. He's a couple paces behind
her, almost tagging along.

KEVIN
I was being selfish. And majorly
insensitive. And I'm a total idiot.

VICKY
I think "shithead" really says it.

KEVIN
Yes! I'm a shithead! I'm a complete
and total shithead!

She cracks a little smile.

KEVIN
And I want to try to make it up to
you.

VICKY
How?

Vicky stops walking. Looks at Kevin.

EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY

Vicky's perfect suburban home... as we hear VICKY MOANING IN
ECSTASY.

VICKY (V.O.)
Oh... ungghhhhh!

KEVIN (V.O.)
Shhhh. Your parents are downstairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

VICKY
Oh Kevin -- don't stop!

KEVIN
Just a second!

We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor. Vicky's legs are
to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting the
bible, which is hidden beneath the bed. It's open to a page
titled "The Tongue Tornado."

Kevin resumes, out of frame. Vicky goes nuts.

VICKY
(a little too loudly)
Oh, God!

Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow. She squeezes it over her
face, moaning into it.

VICKY
Moly shmmmt! Fmmkkkk!

Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously pulls
out The Bible from under the bed. Sets it next to her. He
constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and back again.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta. On the fridge, we see a
collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait, National
Honor Society certificate, a report card.

VICKY'S MOM
(yells to Vicky's Dad)
Hon? Can you tell Vick to come on
down for supper?

VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper. He gets up
with a GRUNT.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky can barely control herself. She SCREAMS into the pillow.

KEVIN
Vicky, shhh, you know there's no
lock on your door.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY

Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy. Groans. Kevin keeps
referencing The Bible. Whatever he's doing, it's working.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is about to explode. She pulls the pillow off her face,
gasping.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.

VICKY (O.S.)
I'M COMING!

Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back downstairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Jim's door opens... he winces... REVERSE to see Jim's dad
looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the hallway
outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's door.

JIM
Hey, dad. Did you knock?

Jim's dad continues to study the picture. A beat. Then he
turns around, like he just realized the door was open.

JIM'S DAD
Oh, Jim! I'm looking at the ol' family
portrait, here. Yep. It's a good
one.

Jim can only shrugs in response. He goes into the hall and
looks at the portrait. A beat.

JIM'S DAD
Son, I wanted to talk to you about
what I think you were trying to do
the other day.

Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.

JIM'S DAD
(continuing with his
prepared speech)
Now, you may have tried it in the
shower, or maybe in bed at night,
and not even known what you were
doing. Or perhaps you've heard your
friends talking about it in the locker
room.

Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.

JIM
Dad, please stop. Please. I'm sure I
know what you're talking about.

JIM'S DAD
Sure you know, son, but I think you've
been having a little problem with
it. It's okay, though. What you're
doing is perfectly normal. It's like
practice. Like when you play tennis
against a wall. Some day, there'll
be a partner returning the ball.
(a beat)
You do want a partner, don't you
son?

JIM
(through clenched
teeth)
Yes.

JIM'S DAD
That's great. Now remember, it's
okay to play with yourself. Or, as I
always called it --
(elbows Jim)
"Stroke the salami!"
(chuckles)
Ho-ho, Jim. There's nothing to be
ashamed of. Hell, I'm fifty-two, and
I still enjoy masturbating. Uncle
Mort masturbates. We all masturbate.

Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
back into his room. He SMACKS the doorframe. Keeps going,
slamming the door behind him. A beat.

JIM'S DAD
Poor guy thought he was the only
one.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.

East Great Falls is battling Central. It's a rough game,
muddy, brutal. We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing very
tough.

On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up. She's watching
the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's agility and
domination. Oz runs up the field, cradling the ball in his
stick. A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to check him. Heather
cringes with each impact, and is then excited to see Oz dodge
his opponents.

Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL. Heather CHEERS
with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate each other.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

After the game. Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
sidelines. He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL snags
him --

COACH MARSHALL
Good work, Ostreicher.

OZ
Thanks coach.

COACH MARSHALL
You're a killer, Ozzy!

OZ
(trying to get away)
-- Thanks, coach --

FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in mud.

OZ
Hey, what're you doing here?

HEATHER
Just enjoying my exhilarating first
lacrosse experience. You like, "kicked
butt."

A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's skirt.

OZ
(brushing it off her
skirt)
Whoops, excuse me...

Oz wipes the mud from his hands. A beat. Heather has something
to say that's not quite coming out.

HEATHER
Um... Chris --

OZ
You can call me Oz.

HEATHER
Do I have to?

OZ
You can call me Ostreicher.

HEATHER
What's your middle name?

OZ
Forget it.

HEATHER
Come on! I won't tell.

OZ
Neither will I.

HEATHER
Okay.
(pause)
So I had this... thought, and...
this may seem like it's out of left
field, and I don't know if you can,
but since I'm not going with anyone --

Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and excited.

STIFLER
Hah! Central sucks!
(noticing Heather)
Choir Chick? What the hell are you
doing here?

HEATHER
Well, I uh, I was --
(decides to stand her
ground)
I was asking Chris to prom.
(turns to Oz)
So do you wanna go?

Oz is surprised at her directness. Impressed.

OZ
Yeah!

STIFLER
Well, just don't expect Oz to pay
for the limo.

OZ
Stifler, fuck --
(noticing Heather,
"sensitive")
...man, you don't have to be so
insensitive.

A beat.

STIFLER
What??
(he dismisses it)
Whatever -- look uh, don't forget --
my cottage after prom. On Lake
Michigan.

Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.

OZ
Alright, cool. I gotta hit the
showers, but... I think this'll be
really good.

HEATHER
Yeah, me too, okay, cool.

They share a smile. Then Heather walks off towards her car.
Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse guys.

STIFLER
My man Oz, working it with the choir
babes?

LACROSSE BUDDIES
(cheering, slapping
him)
Yeah, go Oz! etc.

Oz laughs, embarrassed.

OZ
(pandering to them)
Hey, you know, what can I say, I dig
those cute little sweaters she wears.

STIFLER
I'll bet you do, you little horndog,
she's givin' you fuckin' stiffies,
right?

Stifler goes into what can only be described as the Spank-Me-
And-Fuck-Me-Like-A-Whore-Dance.

STIFLER
Yeah! Sing for me! yes!

The other guys LAUGH. Oz joins in, laughing in spite of
himself. They all high-five.

And from the other side of the field, we see Heather peering
over at them. Hardly believing it as Oz joins in the laughter.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY

English class. The TEACHER is wrapping up a lecture.

TEACHER
So once Hal becomes king, he has to
take on the responsibilities of
leadership, and turn his back on his
old, drunken friend, Falstaff. You
see, Hal was going through a rite of
passage, much like you all are. Make
the most of the time you've got left
together. You'll miss it later.

Jim, Kevin, and Oz sit in the back of the classroom in one
corner.

OZ
So does your tongue cramp up?

KEVIN
Nah, you get kind of dizzy though.

JIM
Wow, that's amazing, she's probably
gonna want to do it soon.

Kevin shrugs as the BELL RINGS. Sherman passes by.

SHERMAN
Still questing after the holy grail,
eh guys?

He CHUCKLES and exits. The guys stand up, exiting the
classroom.

JIM
Hey, where's Finch?

KEVIN
Went home to shit.

JIM
I don't get it. How does a guy like
that get this sudden reputation?

OZ
What reputation?

KEVIN
Observe.

He taps a passing RANDOM CUTE GIRL on the shoulder.

KEVIN
Excuse me. Do you know who Paul Finch
is?

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Of course! Have you guys seen his
tattoo?

KEVIN
...Yes?

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Is it cool? I heard it was like an
eagle, blazing in fire and stuff.

JIM
(nods, loving it)
Actually, it's an eagle and this big
python.

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Really?!

JIM
Yeah, see it's on his stomach, here,
and the eagle -- the eagle is actually
grasping the python in its talons,
so the snake is like his --

KEVIN
(interrupting)
That's good, Jim.

RANDOM CUTE GIRL
Woah, no way! That guy is so cool!

She hurries off to tell her friends. The guys exit the
classroom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR HIGH LOCKERS -
CONTINUING

OZ
Okay, explain.

KEVIN
I can't, I have no idea how he's
doing it. And that leaves you
trailing, Jim. You gotta get your
act together.

JIM
(a little aggravated)
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.

Jim turns around -- to find Nadia is standing right in front
of him. Jim says nothing. Stuck. Staring. Oz elbows him. Jim
gives a startled GRUNT.

NADIA
You are very good in the world history
class, yes?

JIM
(gulps)
Me?

Jim looks over to Kevin and Oz, who excitedly give him
encouraging looks and gestures.

JIM
(trying to decipher
the guys' signals)
Yes. No. Yes.

NADIA
Perhaps you can help me with my
studies?

The guys nod, "Yes! Yes!"

JIM
Okay... that would be cool sometime.
(sees the guys
gesticulating)
How 'bout tomorrow?

NADIA
Well, I do have ballet practice.
Perhaps I can come by your house
afterwards. I can change clothes at
your place?

JIM
(barely, overwhelmed)
I suppose that would be okay.

Nadia walks off. Jim collapses into Oz's and Kevin's arms,
like a marathon runner at the end of a race. They pat him
heartily in congratulations.

EXT. RAST GREAT FALLS - SIDE OF SCHOOL - DAY

After school. Oz is there as Heather pulls up in a new Saab.

OZ
Nice car.

HEATHER
I'm glad you think so.

OZ
You don't like it?

HEATHER
No, I like the car.
(then, direct)
By the way, though, about prom? That
was like a bad idea. Sorry I invited
you.

She hastily walks towards the school.

OZ
What?!

HEATHER
Oh, please. I asked you because I
thought you might actually be worth
going with. But you are just a jock.
No wait. You're a jerk.

OZ
What? No I'm not.

HEATHER
I saw you making fun of me with your
lacrosse buddies.

OZ
I wasn't making fun of you.

HEATHER
Give me a break, you're so full of
it.

She hurries up more, breaking off from Oz, and enters the
school. After a moment, he slowly heads in.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - LATER

Oz and Heather are singing with the group, at opposite ends
of the room. It's a pop, contemporary arrangement of "HOW
SWEET IT IS." It sounds jazzy, cool.

Oz looks dazed, like the wind's taken out of him. He sings
along, distant. Heather, almost defiantly, sings clearer and
better than ever. Oz watches her, though she never looks his
way. At the bride of the song, Heather breaks into a solo.
She sings beautifully. Oz is hooked.

The Choir Teacher halts the song.

CHOIR TEACHER
Okay, Heather, that was good, but I
want to thicken up that solo. Michigan
State is this Saturday, and I want
that part to smoke.

HEATHER
I know, my timing's off.

CHOIR TEACHER
A little, but I think it'll work
better as a duet. With a tenor part.

OZ
(interrupting)
I'll do it.

A beat as the Choir Teacher is impressed and Heather looks
indifferent.

OZ
I'll do it.

CHOIR TEACHER
Okay then. The rest of you okay with
that?

The rest of the choir agrees, as Heather looks to Oz with
skepticism.

CHOIR TEACHER
Great. See you tomorrow.

The group starts packing up.

HEATHER
(annoyed)
Why are you doing this?

OZ
Because I want to.

HEATHER
Yeah? Well you can't fake your way
through this. You better practice.

She leaves.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - LIBRARY - DAY

Jim, Kevin, Oz, and Stifler.

STIFLER
Fuck me! You're gonna have a naked
Eastern-European chick in your house,
and you're telling me you're not
gonna take advantage of that?

JIM
What am I gonna do, broadcast her
over the internet?

OZ
You can do that?

JIM
(off their looks)
Oh -- no way. I can't do that to
her.

STIFLER
Dammit, Jim, get some fucking balls.
If you don't have the guts to
photograph a naked chick in your
room, how are you ever gonna sleep
with one? Now all you gotta do is
set up some sort of private link or
whatever on the net, and tell me the
address.

The guys ponder this.

KEVIN
You can send me the address too.

JIM
Well... dammit, if I'm doing this,
how the hell am I gonna watch?

KEVIN
I'll save you a seat.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is setting the computer camera on top of the monitor.

The computer BINGS.

COMPUTER VOICE
"You have established an internet
connection."

Jim sits. Types a quick E-mail. It reads: "OH YEAH!
128.220.27.102/tempt/NadiaVision. ENJOY!"

Jim scrolls through his list of E-mail addresses.

Highlights a listing. Clicks "Send."

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Finch sit in front of a computer. Kevin is unloading
beer and chips from a grocery bag.

We see an image of Jim's bedroom on the computer screen.

It's a little strobed, but easily watchable. Suddenly Jim's
face pops into frame. He's adjusting the camera.

KEVIN
There we go.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

We see the same image on Jim's screen. Jim turns off just
the monitor. It looks like the computer is off -- the ruse
is undetectable.

Jim's dad enters with Nadia. She's in sweats and a leotard,
carrying a duffel bag over her shoulder. Jim's dad is
delighted, fidgety, almost giddy.

JIM'S DAD
Son. This lady's here for you.

JIM
(like it's no big
deal)
I know. Hey Nadia.

NADIA
Hello James. Ready to study.

JIM'S DAD
Oh, you bet he is. Jim's quite the
bookworm.

JIM
Dad.

JIM'S DAD
Oh, no, not too much of a bookworm.
He's a good little kid. Er, guy.
Man.

JIM
Dad!!

JIM'S DAD
Okay, okay. I'll let you hit those
books.

Jim's dad gives a knowing look and exits.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

STIFLER'S YOUNGER BROTHER, 11, a monster, is tugging at
Stifler, who sits at the computer, watching Jim's room.

STIFLER'S BROTHER
Steve! Steve! It's my computer and I
wanna use it!

STIFLER
Shut up and watch this, you might
learn something.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

JIM
So you need to change, right?

NADIA
Do you mind? This fabric is so
uncomfortable.

She sets her duffel on Jim's bed.

JIM
No, go right ahead and get dressed.
I'll just be downstairs, studying
up. Get me when you're ready.

Jim exits, closing the door behind him.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

KEVIN
Here we go.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

He's off! Jim sprints down the hall. Thunders down the stairs.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim's Mom and Dad are sitting downstairs. Jim bolts through
the room.

JIM
Be back in a sec!

He practically crashes through the door on his way out.

JIM'S MOM
Jim? Honey, where are you going?

She turns and looks at her husband. Both perplexed.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUING

Jim runs like hell.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Nadia unzips her duffel, pulling some clothes out.

EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Jim trucks across the lawn to the door.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Finch are watching the computer screen.

KEVIN
Want a beer?

Finch simply waves off the question. He's glued to the screen.

Jim bursts into the room, breathless.

JIM
Did I miss anything?!

KEVIN
Just in time.

Jim grabs a seat by the computer. All three guys watch,
transfixed. Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.

JIM
Woah!

Nadia's leotard is off. Bra and panties. Outstanding body.

INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the
computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.

Nadia pauses. Looks in Jim's full-length mirror.

Admiring her body.

KEVIN
Oh, man! This is incredible.

And... yes! Nadia peels off her sportsbra. Supple breasts.
The guys are awestruck.

KEVIN
I can't believe Oz had to work.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area. He
sighs, leafing through some sheet music. It's as quiet and
boring as can be.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

Stifler and his brother are awestruck.

STIFLER'S BROTHER
This is like the coolest thing I've
ever seen.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

JIM
Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful
day.

Nadia still primps in the mirror. Then she looks around.

Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's night
table.

JIM
Hey! You can't touch my stuff!

Nadia opens the night table. Stops. Jim flushes. Nadia
delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.

JIM
Oh no no no.

She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.

KEVIN
Nice collection there, Jim.

Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE. Starts thumbing through it.

She sits on Jim's bed. Lingering on some pages. Getting
aroused.

JIM
Dear God -- she's -- she's -- she's --

Welcome to every man's fantasy. Nadia's hand wanders into
her panties.

JIM
Gentlemen, I'd like to make an
announcement. There is a gorgeous
woman masturbating on my bed.

The guys watch, completely blown away. Nadia's lost herself.

KEVIN
You know, Jim... you could go back
there... and...

FINCH
(nodding)
Seduce her.

JIM
But, but -- what would I do?

KEVIN
Anything! Just tell her it looks
like she needs an extra hand or
something.

JIM
That's stupid.

KEVIN
No, you're stupid. Get going! Right
now! She's primed!

JIM
Oh... oh... oh, shit!

He BOLTS across the room.

EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY

Jim sprints across the lawn.

EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim leaps over a row of bushes. Wipes out. Gets up and keeps
running.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered
parents.

JIM
Hey mom hey dad!

He rushes up the stairs. Jim's Dad looks hopeful.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath. He can hear
FAINT MOANING from inside. He's hesitating.

JIM
Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

KEVIN
Come on, Jim. Where are you?

The PHONE RINGS. Kevin answers.

KEVIN
(into phone)
Hello? Hey Sherman... what?! How did
you know?

INT. SHERMAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

Sherman sits in front of a computer.

SHERMAN
(into phone)
Jim must've addressed that E-mail
wrong. It went out to every mailbox
in the East High directory. God, how
juvenile.

INT. COMPUTER NERD'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer. Watching NadiaVision.
Mouth open. Braces shining.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page. A LITTLE MONKEY hops
around in a cage.

STONER #1
Whoa.

STONER #2
Kind.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

Jim still waits outside his bedroom door. Takes a deep breath.
Looks upwards to the sky.

JIM
Please, God. Let this be it.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN
He's going in!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

We see a bedroom full of GUYS.

GUY #1
There's somebody going in there!

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

STONER #1
Hey, that guy's in my trig class.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim stands there, bewildered. Nadia hasn't noticed him, eyes
closed, still pleasuring herself. Jim stands there, watching,
faltering. Gathers his courage. Finally, he rolls his eyes
and says --

JIM
Looks like you could use an extra
hand.

Nadia's eyes flash open.

NADIA
(chastising)
James! You have come in here on
purpose?!

JIM
Well... uh...

NADIA
Shame on you!

JIM
Uh... yeah... sorry.

NADIA
Well. You have seen me. Now it is my
turn to see you. Strip.

JIM
Strip?

NADIA
Yes, slowly.

Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.

JIM
You mean like, strip strip?

NADIA
(irresistably sexy)
For me?

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

FINCH
What do you suppose they're saying?

KEVIN
No idea.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio. Turns it on. We hear
COUNTRY MUSIC. She flips the dial, and we hear A FEW STATIONS
FLIP BY. Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.

NADIA
Perfect.

She turns to Jim.

JIM
Uh...

NADIA
Move with the music.

JIM
Um... okay...

He struts clumsily back and forth. Takes his shirt off.

Swings it in a circle around his head... and lets go of it,
aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.

NADIA
No, no, you must put your whole body
into it.

JIM
Nadia, I can't --

NADIA
Can't what? Do you not want to be
with me? I wish to be entertained,
James.

Jim nods eagerly. Concentrates on the music... as we see the
shirt slide off the camera. Jim starts writhing to the beat.
Like a hyperactive chicken.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

STIFLER
What the fuck is this?

INT. SHERMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

SHERMAN
The horror, the horror.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim is into it now. Possibly the worst dancer in the world.
No rhythm. No soul.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

STONER #2
God, what a buzzkill.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.

GIRL IN BEDROOM
Work it, baby!

The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.

NADIA
(turned on)
More sexy, Jim, more sexy.

Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding. He does some
pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them
around his chest and neck.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.

DISINTERESTED GIRL
He's no Paul Finch.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.

FINCH
This is truly revolting.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair
back, in his boxers and shorts.

NADIA
(getting really turned
on)
More, more, you bad boy!

Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to the
computer.

GUY #1
Ugh... God...

INT. JIM'S COMPUTER - DAY - CONTINUING

NADIA
Now! Hames, come to me.

JIM
Oh yeah!

Jim dances over to her. She pulls him onto the bed. Kisses
his neck. Takes his hand. Places it on her thigh.

NADIA
Be gentle.

Jim GULPS.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN
Ho-lee shit.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

STIFLER
This just got a hell of a lot better.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg. She does the same to him.
Blows in his ear. Her hand is about to enter his shorts.

And Jim is done. Bang. That's it.

He looks down at himself in terror. Nadia sees. Backs away.

NADIA
Jim...

JIM
Oh no.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN
Oh no.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

The stoners look... well, stoned.

STONER #1
Bummer.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

The girls are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY

STIFLER'S BROTHER
What happened?! What happened?!

STIFLER
He blew it. Literally.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Nadia is getting dressed.

NADIA
You are done, James. Perhaps I should
be going now.

JIM
No, no, I'm not done! I've got
reserves! Nadia, please please please.
I'm begging you.

She sees the desperation in his eyes. Thinks about it.

Smiles.

NADIA
I do like your dirty magazines.

Jim digs into the stack of pornos. Grabs SHAVED.

JIM
Did you see this? This is your more
exotic dirty magazine.

NADIA
Yes... James, it is knowing that
these beautiful women arouse you
that arouses me...

JIM
Oh yes. Very arousing women. They
arouse me very much. But not as
arousing as you.

She goes for this line. Gives in.

NADIA
Oh Jim...

She grabs him. Starts caressing his body.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN/FINCH
Yes!!

INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

STONER #1
Alright, dude!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

GUY #1
He's re-engaging!

A CHEER goes up as the guys CELEBRATE.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Groping. They're tangled in each other. Nadia backs off for
a moment. Slowly, teasing, she hooks her thumbs in the sides
of her panties. Starts sliding them down.

NADIA
So, "shaved" is the expression?

CLOSE UP on Jim as his eyes bug out. Yep, it is, and she is.

JIM
(mutters)
Holy shit.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN
Holy shit!

INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

ALL THE GUYS
(unison)
HOLY SHIT!

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim is stuck. Staring at Nadia. She moves towards him.

Nadia is inches from his face.

NADIA
Touch me Jim... here.

Jim is trembling, straining with himself. A shudder runs
through him.

And it's over, again.

INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

The girls are LAUGHING again.

GIRLS
Again?

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

KEVIN
Not again.

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

JIM
No, not again.

NADIA
(sighs)
I am sorry, Jim. I suppose we will
not be doing any studying now.

JIM
No! I've got... reserve reserves!

Nadia starts getting dressed. Jim is whimpering.

NADIA
It is too bad. I was at first hoping
you would ask me to the prom. But...

She gathers her things. Eyes Jim over.

NADIA
You should change your shorts.

JIM
...okay.

Jim is stunned. Ruined. Nadia exits. CLOSE on Jim's tormented
face as we hear...

COMPUTER VOICE
"You have lost your internet
connection. Click 'okay' to
reconnect."

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Jim is walking through the courtyard, a bit dazed. A COUPLE
GIRLS pass by him, giggling. He trudges along... noticing a
CLIQUE OF GIRLS staring at him as he passes by... and Stoner
#1 giving him a peace sign... and the Computer Nerd staring
at him like a celebrity...

Jim's pace slows. He hears a SNICKER behind him... he slows
even more, taking very careful steps... as he sees a GIRL
doing a really strange dance -- and his eyes pop out as he
sees that, yes, it's his dance. He stops. ALMOST EVERYONE is
staring at him. Jim pulls his coat up over his face and
hurries off into the school, like a fugitive avoiding the
media. People APPLAUD and LAUGH.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALLWAY - DAY

Kevin and Oz catch up to Jim. Here and there, people still
give Jim funny looks.

KEVIN
Hey, minuteman.

JIM
Shut up. You're supposed to be
supportive.

OZ
You've still got a chance with Nadia,
right?

JIM
No. Her sponsors here saw the thing
on the net. I don't think they liked
it.

KEVIN
How do you know that?

JIM
She's already on a plane back home.

Kevin winces.

JIM
You know, maybe I'm just not good
with girls, period. Like I was born
without that part of the brain. I
mean, I can't talk to girls. And
when I do talk to them, I screw it
up.

KEVIN
Yeah? Well come prom night, those
excuses aren't going to do you much
good.

JIM
Jesus, Kevin, rub it in.

A nearby OLD JANITOR starts GUFFAWING at Jim as he walks by.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CLASSROOM - DAY

Jim sits, waiting for class to start. Miserable. Some students
are obviously talking about him in the background. Others
study and chat.

Next to Jim is Michelle -- the reject, band dork that we've
seen earlier. She's got a flute case on her desk.

She's blabbering to Jim. The kind of blabbering where every
other sentence sounds like a question, even though it isn't.

MICHELLE
And so, one time? I was at band camp?
And we weren't supposed to have pillow
fights? But we had a pillow fight!
And it was so much fun!

Jim couldn't care.

MICHELLE
And one time, we all lost our music?
And we were supposed to play this
song? But we didn't know it. So we
just made it up! And we kept playing
and playing but the conductor didn't
know what we were doing and it was
so funny!

Jim looks wistfully over at Nadia's empty desk.

MICHELLE
So you're pissed about something,
huh? You know what I do when I'm
angry? I just play some Bach on my
flute. It's so relaxing. I learned
to do that at band camp.

Jim perks up the slightest bit.

JIM
Hold on. You have no idea why I'm
angry?

MICHELLE
Is it because we have a test tomorrow?
Sometimes I get cranky when I know I
have a big test to study for.

JIM
Yeah, that's pretty much it.

MICHELLE
I thought so. Because, one time? I
was at this --

JIM
(interrupting)
What was your name again?

MICHELLE
Michelle.

JIM
Okay. Michelle, do you want to be my
date for the prom?

MICHELLE
Really? You seriously want to go
with me?

JIM
(so forced)
Yes. Seriously.

MICHELLE
Are we going to Steve Stifler's party
afterwards? That would be so cool.

JIM
Whatever you want.

MICHELLE
Cool! We're gonna have so much fun!
It's like this one time, at band
camp...

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - HALLWAY - A LITTLE LATER

Heather is walking down the hall. She turns to go into the
Little Auditorium -- and through the window in the door she
sees Oz. She stops.

Oz is singing, working through the solo. Determined to get
it right. He bounces his lacrosse ball off the floor, in
rhythm, keeping time. There's one point that he keeps getting
stuck at and going back over. Heather watches this, softening
as she sees that Oz is actually putting his heart into it.
Finally he's frustrated --

OZ
Dammit!

He whips the lacrosse ball at the wall. Heather recoils,
still watching, unseen by Oz. After a moment, Oz cools off.
He gets the ball, and diligently starts up again.

Heather is impressed.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is doing calculus homework, as Kevin looks on, rubbing
her shoulders.

KEVIN
You're not doing the extra credit
problems.

VICKY
No, I'm not. I'm writing a sequence
of random numbers that look like I'm
doing the extra credit problems. Mr.
Bender doesn't bother to check
homework past April.

KEVIN
That's my trick!

VICKY
It's everyone's trick, Kevin.
(she turns to him)
But I did pick it up from you.

She gives him a little kiss on his hand, continuing with her
work. Kevin keeps rubbing her back, more serious.

KEVIN
We've come a long way since
Homecoming.

VICKY
(playful)
Yeah, we have. You corrupted my four-
point into a three-nine-five.

KEVIN
Indeed I did. But, our relationship.
It's progressed a lot. It's time for
us to... express ourselves in new
ways.

Vicky stops working and turns, sitting up on the desk, facing
him. Her mood has shifted, more romantic.

VICKY
Like how?

KEVIN
Well, I feel that... things are
getting to that point in a
relationship. When two people share...
a special moment between them.

VICKY
I think you're so right, Kevin.

KEVIN
(pause)
You want to do it?

VICKY
Yes --

She takes his hand. Readies herself, and declares.

VICKY
I love you.

Kevin falters. This is definitely not what he was expecting.
He's caught. Trying to formulate a response.

VICKY
Kevin? Do you not love me?

KEVIN
No, I don't not love you. I like, I
know that we've definitely got
something between us. Something good.
Something special.

VICKY
But you don't love me.

KEVIN
I didn't say that. I mean, love,
it's like a term that gets thrown
around. People say things, they get
married, have kids, and then what?
It's like they call it off, going "I
was wrong."

A beat. Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.

VICKY
Kevin... you're not your dad. The
two of us, we're not your parents.

KEVIN
I know, Vick. I'm just not ready
yet, okay?

VICKY
Okay.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT

Oz is closing up the store. He looks up to see Heather at
the door. Oz goes and opens it, surprised, embarrassed. The
air is awkward between them.

HEATHER
Hi...

OZ
How did you know I was here?

HEATHER
Stifler told me.

OZ
You talked to Stifler?

HEATHER
Well... I needed to find you. We are
gonna have to practice that song.

OZ
...okay. Cool then. I'm um, I'm glad
you came by. I mean, really.

She smiles. Oz lets her in.

HEATHER
So you like, work nights?

An uncomfortable moment for Oz.

OZ
Uh... my dad's the manager.

HEATHER
Really? Cool. Tell him his subs are
great.

OZ
Ah, he's always too heavy on the
vinegar. If you really want a good
one, you gotta let me make it.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

Oz is behind the counter. Heather walks down the other side
as Oz assembles a sub.

OZ
My dad's always here running the
store, busy and stuff... and I fill
in once a week so he can get a night
off.

HEATHER
(pause)
That's nice.

OZ
(shrugs)
So you're going to Michigan?

HEATHER
Yeah, well my parents wanted me to
go to Northwestern. I didn't want to
write all those extra essays they
make you do -- I mean, how am I
supposed to know what my "most
emotionally significant moment" was?
So when my U of M acceptance came in
December, I said the hell with it.

OZ
Onions?

HEATHER
What?

OZ
You want onions?

HEATHER
Oh, yeah. So what're you gonna major
in?

OZ
Well, State's got a good business
school. And I can probably walk onto
the lacrosse team. Green peppers?

HEATHER
Yeah. So wow, you've got it figured
out.

OZ
(dismissive)
Well, I mean, business is okay, and
lacrosse is awesome, but what am I
gonna be, a pro lacrosse player? I
really have no idea.

HEATHER
Oh thank God, I thought I was the
only one.

OZ
Well, you're not. Oil and vinegar?

HEATHER
Yeah. You know, people are always
like, "What're you gonna major in?"
And I don't know. And they're like,
"You'll figure it out." Yeah? When?

OZ
I know. Salt and pepper?

HEATHER
Sure.

Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a
tray.

HEATHER
So we're gonna be close next year?

OZ
You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East
Lansing and Ann Arbor.

HEATHER
(smiles)
...yeah.

A beat... a little uncomfortable, but nice.

OZ
Wanna swap your chips for cookies?

EXT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - LATER

The remains of a couple subs are on a table. Oz and Heather
are doing their song... it's rough, but they're working
through it. And when they're in sync, they sound really good
together. We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing into the night.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MURAL STAIRCASE - DAY

A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
I'm sorry, I really can't go with
you... I'm holding out for someone
else.

STIFLER
You gotta be fucking kidding.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
I know it's a long shot, but I figure
Paul Finch might ask me.

STIFLER
FINCH? SHITBREAK?!!

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you
look okay... I mean you can't even
tell...

Flustered, she heads down the stairs. Stifler, entirely
confused, heads off into the second floor. As the Girl Holding
Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with her.

KEVIN
Hey... what was that all about?

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
He's still embarrassed because Finch
kicked his ass. Knocked out a tooth,
but you can't see it.

KEVIN
Right, and who told you that?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Kevin is talking to GRETA. She points offscreen.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK. Taking notes.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - OUTDOOR MURAL - DAY

Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL. We see that his notepad
is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked with arrows.
They all point to one girl's name in the center of the page --
Jessica.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.

JESSICA
No comment.

KEVIN
No comment?! Are you kidding me?!
I've never seen someone's image change
so... so drastically!

JESSICA
Thanks. It was my idea.

KEVIN
Did you guys hook up or something?

JESSICA
Are you kidding? No.

KEVIN
Then what the hell are you talking
about?

JESSICA
Well... I guess it's okay for me to
tell you now. That reputation of his
isn't going anywhere.
(then)
Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica,
I need help with this, blah blah,
etcetera." So I told him, pay me two-
hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple
girls that you're dynamite in bed.
So he did, and I did.

KEVIN
I don't get it, that really works?

JESSICA
Duh. Of course. Naturally, I
embellished a little bit. Hey, did
you hear that Finch had sex with an
older woman?

Kevin is speechless.

JESSICA
No? Damn, that one was my favorite.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY

Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
FALLS LACROSSE CHANT. They exit frame, and we remain on the
showers, to hear --

OZ
(singing happily)
...I needed the shelter of someone's
arms... there you were -- woo-hoo-
hoo...

He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to Stifler.

OZ
(still singing)
...I needed someone to understand my
ups and my downs, oh baby there you
were...

Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.

STIFLER
Oh my fucking God. You're gay.

OZ
(cheery)
Come on, you know the words, sing
along.

STIFLER
No thanks, you've been singing that
shit all week. If you try that at
MSU this Saturday, I'm pretending I
don't know you.

Oz stops.

OZ
Our last game is this Saturday.

STIFLER
No shit.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER

Heather is studying outside. Oz stands before her, breathless,
his hair still wet.

OZ
...I've got this lacrosse game. It's
really important, it's our last game.
And you know, Central almost beat us
last time, so I really want to kick
their ass, and it's like cool because
we're gonna get to play at State,
which means that after the game I
might be able to stop by...

HEATHER
(pause)
You can't sing at the competition.

OZ
I'm sorry, I totally spaced. I just...
I didn't realize it...

HEATHER
(upset but trying to
be cool)
...it's okay, you should do whatever
makes you happy.

OZ
Alright... yeah... thanks for
understanding.
(a beat)
So I guess... I'll see you later.

An uncomfortable moment. Oz walks off. Heather looks let
down.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS -
DAY

Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class. Stifler
comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.

STIFLER
Kevin! You seen Shitbreak lately?

KEVIN
(immediately sensing
danger)
Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?

STIFLER
Me? Nothing. I'm the one whose ass
he kicked.
(off Kevin's look)
I'll tell you one thing, though. I
don't think he's gonna have a problem
shitting in school anymore.

Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION LAXATIVE,
maniacally LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper. Kevin comes
tearing around the corner and runs up to him.

KEVIN
Finch! Get to the bathroom! Now!

FINCH
Easy, tiger. What's in there?

KEVIN
Just go!

FINCH
Why is this?

KEVIN
You're gonna shit your pants!

FINCH
Charming.

KEVIN
Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped
some sort of laxative in your Mocash-
chino or whatever. It's fast acting.
I mean really fast.

FINCH
First of all, it's Mochaccino, and
secondly... Oohhhh!

Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING

We FOLLOW with Finch. We see Stifler down the hall, holding
open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.

STIFLER
This way, sit.

Finch darts into the bathroom. Stifler LAUGHS hysterically.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch has stopped. He's staring down at the toilet. It looks
entirely uninviting. But he's straining, struggling, starting
to dance around, moaning as he cramps up.

He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
it. Then another, and another. Sweat drips off his forehead.

FINCH
Come on come on come on...

He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of toilet
paper. Notices a spot where there's still bare toilet seat.
He tears off one square of toilet paper, placing it on the
spot. He steps back and looks it over, still wriggling to
contain his bowels.

FINCH
Okay. You can do this.

He unbuckles his pants. Sits down -- just as we hear someone
enter the bathroom. Finch, still restraining, listens for a
moment... only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK of heels.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal symbol
for "Women." Stifler is there, LAUGHING even harder.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is terrified. Through the crack between the stall door
and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright colored skirts
and dresses. He grits his teeth, straining.

And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach. His eyes bulge.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl Holding
Out for Finch, fixing their hair.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
You know it's just gonna be some
crappy band and stupid decorations.

GIRL #2
You're just saying that cause prom's
a week away and you don't have a
date.

GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
No, I don't want a date...
(increasingly dreamy)
Finch is going stag... and so am
I... the guy is like so... debonair.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is in hell. Desperately trying not to shit. Holding it
in for all he's worth.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

GIRL #2
Do you think that "older woman" thing
is true?

GIRL #3
Of course, it was Stifler's mom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Pure agony. Finch is sweating badly. Every muscle in his
body is tensed. Tears stream from his fiercely shut eyes.

A gastric RUMBLING. Finch's eyes flash open in terror.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

We hear another, deeper RUMBLING. Girl #2 turns to her friend
in surprise.

GIRL #2
Joanie, was that you?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

Finch is struggling. Rocking back and forth. But it's no
use. He's at his limit.

FINCH
Aaaaaaarrrgghhhh!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

The girls at the mirror freeze -- and we hear what can only
be the SOUND OF DIARRHEA exploding into a toilet bowl.

The girls run out SCREAMING and LAUGHING.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY - MOMENTS LATER

Finch exits the stall with trepidation, pulling up his pants.
Slowly, slinking, he approaches the door. Grabs the handle.
Composes himself. And like nothing ever happened, he opens
it.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

Finch comes out of the bathroom. Stops. His eyes register
complete disbelief.

A SEMI-CIRCLE OF GIRLS, including the ones we have seen
gossiping about him, has crowded around the door. All staring
at him with complete repugnance, open-mouthed.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

Oz is playing in the final lacrosse game. The team scores --
they're beating Central. Everyone cheers, except Oz. We see
Jim and Kevin in the stands, CHEERING.

EXT. MUSIC HALL (MSU) - DAY

Establishing. The campus of Michigan State University.
Students pass in front of an older, impressive university
building.

A sign out front reads, "MICHIGAN STATEWIDE VOCAL
COMPETITION."

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY

Heather and the rest of the vocal jazz group are behind the
curtain.

They all wear flashy, borderline cool outfits. Heather looks
worried, lost. Looking to the door, as if Oz might come
running in.

VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
Okay. Albert, you ready?

ALBERT steps next to Heather. He's kind of funny-looking,
with an overly-suave attitude that comes off as plain weird.

ALBERT
No problemo.

He SINGS a couple lines. Way too melodramatic and cheesy.
Heather looks trapped.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

A scoreboard shows that East is leading by five goals.

Oz is running up the field, towards the goal, cradling the
ball in his stick. He seems to have a good lead.

Suddenly he is tumbling, falling, losing the ball.

Someone has checked him. He lays stunned on the ground, as
Stifler recovers the ball and scores.

The players run back to the sidelines to reset for the face-
off, and gather around the coach.

COACH MARSHALL
Alright! Good hustle, guys, but we
can still lose. You all saw what
happened to Oz out there. I don't
ever want to see you guys thinking
you're gonna score. You don't score
until you score, period.

The team is getting into it. Shouts of "Hell yeah!" But Oz's
got a quizzical look on his face.

INT. BACKSTAGE (MSU) - DAY

Heather waits with the group to go onstage. Albert paces
like a Shakespearean actor, psyching himself.

ALBERT
Focus on the music. Think melody.
Let the music be my guide.

HEATHER
That would be a start.

EXT. LACROSSE FIELD (MSU) - DAY

Oz shows some emotion peeking through. Confused.

COACH MARSHALL
It all boils down to today. For you
seniors, this marks the culmination
of your past four years. Think of
what that means to you. Are you guys
gonna look back on your days at East
and know that you made the most of
the time you had?

A wave of realization washes over Oz. He stands up tall.

COACH MARSHALL
Now that's the attitude, Ostreicher!

Oz collects himself. Takes a deep breath.

OZ
Good luck, guys.

He sets his lacrosse stick down and starts to leave.

COACH MARSHALL
Christ! I didn't say you were out of
the game!

OZ
Sorry, coach.

COACH MARSHALL
What the fuck is this? You got
someplace more important to be?

Coach Marshall is fuming. The entire team is staring at Oz.

OZ
Yeah.

He runs off.

ANGLE ON JIM AND KEVIN IN THE STANDS

A beat of confusion. Then they stand up.

EXT. MSU CAMPUS - DAY

Oz runs through a gate.

INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

The vocal jazz group is on their feet, lined up, waiting to
go onstage. Oz bursts into the room, still in his lacrosse
gear.

VOCAL JAZZ GUYS
Oz -- You're back -- Yeah --

ALBERT
-- Oh, great.

Oz rushes up to Heather. She's happy but confused.

HEATHER
What about the game?!

OZ
I'm not playing.

HEATHER
You're missing the game for us?!

OZ
No. I'm missing the game for you.

Heather melts. Oz pulls her close. And they kiss.

VOCAL JAZZ TEACHER
Okay, okay. You guys got about a
minute to go. Spend it warming up,
not making out. This ain't the prom
yet.

Oz and Heather share a smile.

INT. MUSIC HALL STAGE - DAY

The vocal jazz group is belting their hearts out, singing
"How Sweet It Is." Oz sings with them now in his vocal jazz
outfit... we TILT DOWN to see he's still wearing his cleats.
He and Heather sound great, backed by the vocal jazz group.
They sail through their duet, join hands, and finish
perfectly. The audience APPLAUDS with enthusiasm -- and we
Kevin and Jim, WHOOPING AND CLAPPING, loving it, like they're
at a rock concert.

JIM
Yeeeeeeeaaaawwwwww!

KEVIN
(gives that "You rock!"
hand sign)
You fuckin' rule!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS - CLASSROOM - DAY

Class has just ended, students are filing out of the
classroom. A teacher grades papers in the back of the room,
routinely writing "A, A-, A, A-" on each paper.

Vicky is studying a pull-down map hanging over the chalkboard.
Kevin comes up next to her.

KEVIN
Hey...

VICKY
Did you know that it's... 450 miles
from Ann Arbor to Nashville?

KEVIN
It's like a six or seven hour drive.
That's easy, I don't mind driving.

A beat. Kevin looks back over his shoulder to the inattentive
teacher. Moves closer to Vicky.

KEVIN
About the other day... I've been
thinking.

VICKY
So have I. And I know you want to
make things perfect for me. And I
understand that you really wouldn't
tell me that until you were 100%
comfortable with it.

Vicky looks over to the teacher, who COUGHS. She steps closer.
Kevin, somewhat nervous, takes the bottom of the map,
fidgeting with it a little.

VICKY
And I want to make things perfect
for you. You're right, Kev, we do
have something good... and special.

KEVIN
Yeah, we have something great, Vick.

VICKY
Kevin...
(very close, whispered)
I want to have sex with you.

The map goes FLAPPING upwards. The teacher looks up.

KEVIN
(almost frightened)
Now?!

VICKY
No... I know the perfect time...

She looks to the calendar on the wall... and taps next
Saturday -- "Prom." Kevin can't believe it... MUSIC UP for
PRE-PROM MONTAGE --

INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY

Jim is trying on a tux. He shrugs, like it fits well enough.

He turns to see Oz trying on his -- Oz is fidgeting, trying
on different ties, vests, shoes, very sincere and focused.

INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Vicky is trying on a rather elegant dress, looking to Jessica
for support, showing it off. Jessica jokingly does the same,
showing off her shorts and T-shirt, as if she could care.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Finch sits alone. Not like alone. More like Forrest Gump.

INT. TUXEDO LAND - DAY

Jim is paying for his tux. We see Oz trying to decide on a
cumberbund. There are about ten of them scattered around him
that he's already tried. In the background, an ATTENDANT
looks impatient.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

Finch still sits. His head is cocked at a different angle.

INT. JIM'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jim's dad fixes Jim's bow tie.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (END MONTAGE)

Kevin is in his tux. He's staring at himself in the mirror.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

The parking lot is full. VARIOUS FORMALLY DRESSED STUDENTS
make their way into the school. One group piles out of a
stretch limo. We see a STEALTHY STUDENT slip a bottle of
liquor into his tux. A FLUSTERED GUY struggles to re-attach
his date's corsage.

This is the prom.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT

The gym is decorated in a clashingly festive manner. Like a
combination of Mardi Gras, New Year's Eve, and somebody's
bar mitzvah. A CRAPPY BAND plays CRAPPY IMITATION ROCK MUSIC.

Most students mill about, talking, generally bored. The only
people who are enjoying themselves are the OBVIOUSLY DRUNK
STUDENTS, slam-dancing with the obviously drunk Stifler in a
corner. CHAPERONE PARENTS try to calm them down, futilely.

The band breaks into a CHEESY BALLAD. Couples lock together
and sway back and forth like zombies.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

They're dancing at arm's length. Jim is not enthused.

MICHELLE
You know, at band camp? We have dances
like this. Only they're way funner.
Don't you think prom is just highly
overrated?

JIM
Highly, highly overrated.

ANGLE ON KEVIN AND VICKY

They dance. Both looking a little nervous. Anxious.

ANGLE ON OZ AND HEATHER

Dancing much slower than anyone else. Tight embrace.

Heather's got her head on his shoulder, eyes closed.

ANGLE ON STIFLER

Dancing with the Girl Holding out For Finch.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - A CORNER OF THE GYM - NIGHT

Kevin, Oz, Jim, and Finch are hanging out. Finch is drunk.

FINCH
Okay. I'm here for your dumb... dumb
meeting.

Sherman passes by.

SHERMAN
I'm on the offensive, boys. The
Sherman Tank is going back in.

The guys are impassive. Sherman indicates the Central Girl
nearby.

SHERMAN
Locked on target, flying in stealth
mode under enemy sex radar. Ready to
drop the payload... again.

Sherman confidently walks off.

KEVIN
Alright, how do you guys stand? Well,
Finch, I know where you are, but you
can't use that as an excuse. Jim?

JIM
My date's a flute-toting band dork.
That answer your question?

KEVIN
Oz, how about you and Heather? Now
you guys are a couple or something?

OZ
(getting ticked)
Dammit, Kevin, what's with the
attitude?

KEVIN
Attitude? Me? I think that you guys
should be more enthusiastic. Shit,
we've been trying to get laid forever,
and tonight's the night we've been
waiting for. We're in this together.
Don't back out on me now!

JIM
Back out? You don't need us to get
laid. You afraid or something?

KEVIN
No, but come on guys, we made a pact!

OZ
Kevin, it was just a --

KEVIN
It was a pact. You break it and there
are no excuses. You guys have to --

JIM
(interrupting, pissed)
I don't have to do shit! Forget it
already!

Kevin is taken aback.

JIM
I'm tired of all this bullshit
pressure! I mean, I've never even
had sex and already I can't stand
it! I hate sex! I don't want it,
I've never wanted it, and I'm not
gonna sit here busting my balls over
something that just isn't that damn
important! So fuck this stupid pact,
fuck you, and fuck sex! Now, I'm
gonna go hang out with that geek
over there, 'cause at least she's
got something else to talk about
besides sex! God damn!

Kevin storms off. A beat.

FINCH
At least I learned how to shit in
school.

Jessica approaches. She's dressed well, but not lavishly.

JESSICA
Hey, Finch. Wanna dance?

Finch looks to the guys. They shrug. We FOLLOW WITH Jessica
and Finch as they dance out onto the floor.

FINCH
How come you have no date?

JESSICA
I like to keep my options open. And
let me just clarify that you have no
chance of scoring with me, Finch.

FINCH
No, of course not, don't be
ridiculous.

ANGLE ON VICKY AND CENTRAL GIRL

VICKY
So, I guess you and Sherman are pretty
close. You met at that party a while
back?

CENTRAL GIRL
Yeah, we were up the whole night
together. We had one of those
amazingly deep conversations, where
you really feel like you get to know
someone.

VICKY
(nudge, nudge)
"Deep conversation," huh? Is that
what you guys call it?

CENTRAL GIRL
What else would I call it?

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

Kevin sits on the steps into the school, depressed.

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GYM - NIGHT

The Central Girl has taken over the band's microphone.

CENTRAL GIRL
Excuse me, everyone, sorry to
interrupt.

Her voice reverberates throughout the gym. A couple WOLF-
WHISTLES.

CENTRAL GIRL
I just wanted to let you all know
this: Chuck Sherman is a liar. I
never had sex with him. He's never
had sex with anyone -- I know because
he told me. Once, he tried to screw
a grapefruit, but that's it. Oh, and
he also told me that sometimes when
he gets nervous he wets his pants.
Thank you for your attention.

Girls around the gym CHEER and APPLAUD.

ANGLE ON SHERMAN

Pissing his pants.

ANGLE ON JIM

Shocked. He looks back to Oz, who shares his expression.

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NIGHT

Kevin still sits there. Jim, Oz, and Finch come out of the
school. Slowly they walk up to Kevin.

OZ
...Guess what?

KEVIN
I don't care.

JIM
Kevin, come on, the bus to Stifler's
is gonna be here soon.

KEVIN
I'm not going.

A beat as the guys don't know what to say. Kevin's speech is
halting, downbeat.

KEVIN
This isn't how I wanted things to
turn out. Making the pact wasn't
just about getting laid. It was about
doing one last thing with you guys
before we graduated. But now I've
just wasted my last few weeks here
trying to do what? I don't even know.
All I managed to do was fuck up our
friendship.

A beat. Oz shrugs.

OZ
I still think you're okay.

JIM
So do I, Kev.

FINCH
Me too. For the most part.

KEVIN
Nah. Fuck, you guys are right, I
don't know what I'm doing. I mean
I'm acting like I've got it all
together tonight. But I know Vicky
is gonna ask me if I love her. And I
don't know what I'm gonna say. So
now it's like, maybe I'll just wimp
out on the whole thing.

JIM
Come on man. Tonight is the night.
We're finally going to a post-prom
party on the lake. We've been waiting
to do this for the last four years.
Why else are we still friends with
Stifler? You gotta go.

A beat as Kevin ponders this.

OZ
And by the way, Sherman didn't even
get laid.

KEVIN
He didn't?

FINCH
Nope. He pissed himself.

The guys LAUGH as Kevin is puzzled. THEY are suddenly
illuminated by the glare of headlights. A charter bus pulls
in front of the school.

JIM
There it is. I want to grab my bag.
Oh, and my date.

OZ
Come on, Kevin. Vicky's looking for
you.

Jim holds out a helping hand. Kevin looks at it. Grabs it,
and Jim pulls him up.

EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

A beautiful cottage on the shore of Lake Michigan.

Students are filing out of the charter bus.

Jim and Michelle are walking up to the cottage.

JIM
Stifler's mom got it in the divorce.

MICHELLE
It reminds me of this one time --
(changing thoughts)
Hey, can I ask you a question? How
come you don't have any stories?
I've got lots of stories, and you
don't have any.

JIM
Oh, I've got stories, believe me.
They're a little more risque than
tales of Band Camp.

MICHELLE
Are they gross or something, like
guy stuff? Tell me.

JIM
Okay. You want a story? Here's a
story. Stifler finds this beer, right?
And...

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM

Kevin leads Vicky into the bedroom. A large bay window
overlooks moonlit Lake Michigan.

KEVIN
See -- this is the nicest room.

VICKY
Wow, Kev... it's perfect.

Vicky opens a closet -- to find Stifler's Little Brother
inside, grinning.

STIFLER'S BROTHER
You guys are gonna fuck, aren't you!?

KEVIN
No! Get out of here!

STIFLER'S BROTHER
(running out of the
room)
Fuckers fuckers fuckers fuckers!

Stiflers brother is gone. They LAUGH... and Vicky closes the
door.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather are walking down the beach. Holding hands.
Deep in the background, we see kids partying.

OZ
There's something I've been meaning
to tell you, Heather.

HEATHER
What's that?

OZ
It's gonna sound really bad, but I
want you to know.

She nods. They stop walking. Oz swipes his feet around in
the sand.

OZ
See, uh, I'm a virgin. And me, Kevin,
Jim, and Finch, we all made this
pact. That we would... lose our
virginity... before high school was
over.

Heather is listening.

OZ
And, see, tonight is supposed to be
the night we all do it.

HEATHER
This isn't the best way to proposition
me.

OZ
No, that's not what I mean. I mean --
look. You know what made me leave
that game? Coach was giving this
speech, about not slacking off when
you see the opportunity to score.

HEATHER
This isn't any better, Chris.

OZ
No, see Heather, what I realized is
that... with you, it's not like I'm
running towards the goal, trying to
figure out the best way to score.
And this may sound corny, but --

He takes her hand.

OZ
I feel like I've already won.

Heather softens, taken off guard.

OZ
And, well, I really care about you.
A lot. And I want you to know that.

HEATHER
Oz, it's okay, I know.

OZ
You called me Oz.

HEATHER
Well, that's what your friends call
you. I mean... I feel like I'm one
of your friends now... and also...
your girlfriend.

Oz seems truly touched.

OZ
Dieter. My middle name is Dieter.

Heather nods, and speaks pensively.

HEATHER
Hmm. You know that's
(cracking up)
really a shitty middle name!

OZ
(laughing)
I know, it sucks!

Through their laughter, they kiss. After a moment, it grows
more passionate. Lost in each other.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

The party rages in the rest of the cottage, but the basement
is empty. STIFLER'S MOM sits in the corner, smoking a
cigarette. She's as attractive as her photo we once saw, but
the divorce has replaced her sexy smile with a bitter smirk.

Finch stumbles in.

FINCH
Ah, Stifler's mom! Thank you for
letting us have a great party.

STIFLER'S MOM
(dry)
As if there were any alternative in
the matter. Are you enjoying yourself?

FINCH
I'm three sheets to the wind, ma'am!

STIFLER'S MOM
(deadpan)
I'm so happy for you. Takes the edge
off, doesn't it? And where might
your date be?

FINCH
Oh no, no date. Bathroom incident.

STIFLER'S MOM
Pardon me?

Finch pauses a moment. He's got an idea.

FINCH
...Nevermind. You have anything to
drink?

STIFLER'S MOM
I believe the kegs are upstairs.

FINCH
No, no, that's what the cretins drink.
I mean alcohol, liquor -- good stuff.

She considers him as she drags off her cigarette.

STIFLER'S MOM
All right, I got some scotch.

FINCH
Single malt?

STIFLER'S MOM
Aged eighteen years.
(she gives him a look)
Why don't you get the glasses. Behind
the bar.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT

It's a great party. Stifler is with a group of guys drinking
a beer, which he inspects very carefully before every sip.

ANGLE ON JIM AND MICHELLE

Both drinking and talking, almost enjoying themselves.

MICHELLE
That is a nasty story!

JIM
I told you.

MICHELLE
You wanna hear a nasty story of mine?
It's kind of sexual.

Ding! A light goes off in Jim's head.

JIM
Yeah, bring it on!

MICHELLE
Well, this one time? At band camp?
We were playing this game, I don't
know if you know it? But it's called
spin the bottle? And I had to kiss
this guy named Marc Wander on the
lips? And...

Jim's expression sinks.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

The lights are down. Vicky and Kevin are in bed.

KEVIN
You comfortable?

VICKY
Yeah, are you?

KEVIN
Yeah.

A beat.

VICKY
You sure you're comfortable?

KEVIN
Yeah. Are you sure?

VICKY
Yeah.

KEVIN
Me too.

VICKY
Okay.
(a beat)
Did you bring a condom?

KEVIN
Yeah, right here.

He pulls out a condom. A beat as they contemplate it.

KEVIN
So, do you want to be -- I mean, how
do you want to do it?

VICKY
I don't know. How do you?

KEVIN
Like, normal style. The... missionary
position.

VICKY
Okay.

moment as they realize there's nothing left to do, but --

VICKY
Kevin...

KEVIN
Yeah Vick?

VICKY
I want to hear you say it.

KEVIN
Okay.

Kevin swallows hard. And says --

KEVIN
Victoria... I love you.

VICKY
I love you.

They both take a deep breath.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather lay in a secluded spot in the dunes, surrounded
by tall beach grass that swishes in the spring breeze. Stars
and a lustrous moon above.

The silence speaks. We can see it in their eyes. Yearning.

OZ
I can't think of anything to say
that's not cheesy.

HEATHER
Then don't.

They kiss. It's time.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

A brief moment of uncertainty. Kevin shifts around a bit,
trying to position himself. Vicky's hand goes under the
sheets.

VICKY
Here.

We know what she's doing. They both maintain eye contact...

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Heather and Oz are re-inventing the idea of passion.

Discovering love. This is the stuff that you thought only
existed in romance novels. Seriously.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - PARTY ROOM - NIGHT

Jim is trying to stay interested in Michelle's drivel.

JIM
So, the end of the story is... you
had to kiss the guy for twenty
seconds?

MICHELLE
Yes! And he was such a dork! And
everyone laughed at me, but I didn't
care? Because it was so funny!

JIM
(flat)
Okay, I get it.

MICHELLE
Oh! And then this one time? At band
camp? I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim CHOKES on his beer. Michelle considers her revelation no
big deal, watching with some amusement as Jim struggles to
recover.

JIM
...excuse me?!

MICHELLE
What, you think I don't know how to
get myself off? Hell, that's what
half of band camp is! Sex ed!

Jim is ga-ga. He watches in disbelief as she lets her hair
down. And wouldn't you know it, she's pretty cute.

MICHELLE
So are we gonna screw soon? I'm
getting kind of antsy.

Jim pauses in disbelief. Then --

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door. A toy basketball
hoop falls off the back of the door. They are standing in a
cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room.

One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs from
the ceiling, flying in circles.

JIM
This'll do.

MICHELLE
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them
both, it'll desensitize you. I don't
want you coming so damn early.

JIM
Why, uh, what makes you think that I --

MICHELLE
Come on. I saw you on the net. Why
do you think I accepted this date?
You're a sure thing!

Jim heartily agrees.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

The scotch bottle is almost empty. Stifler's Mom and Finch
are smoking cigarettes.

FINCH
So... would you object if I said
you're quite striking?

STIFLER'S MOM
Mister Finch -- are you trying to
seduce me?

FINCH
Yes ma'am, I am.

One look between them, and we know it's all over.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kevin and Vicky. Silently doing it. Curious looks on their
faces. The look you get when your waiter delivers your food
in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the creation on the
plate, and secretly you're not sure if it's really what you
ordered. But you don't say anything, and you just eat it.

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz and Heather. Souls entwined. Making love.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of
HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:

-- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.

-- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.

-- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.

-- One of the legs on the bed breaks.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR - NIGHT

The Basement door is closed. We hear from the inside...

STIFLER'S MOM (O.S.)
I had no idea you'd be this good!

FINCH (O.S.)
Neither did I!

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Michelle going at it. Again, we HEAR but can't see
them. The room is more trashed than before. And as we PAN
across the disaster area they've created --

JIM (O.S.)
Are you gonna do what I think you're
gonna do?

MICHELLE (O.S.)
Don't you want me to?

JIM (O.S.)
Oh yeah! Put it in your mouth!

MICHELLE (O.S.)
Okay!

We see her... on top of Jim. She clears her throat. And then
we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to her lips --
and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG. On cue, Jim chimes
in --

JIM
Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders
and best!

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

Oz could be coming. Heather could be coming. But it's all so
darn passionate that the whole thing looks like one big orgasm
anyway.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and
each others' clothing. Exhausted, gasping.

And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack.

It swings open. Standing there is Stifler's Little Brother.
Jaw hanging.

STIFLER'S BROTHER
That was awesome!

Jim and Michelle are stunned.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera. We can't see
it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC MOANING.

What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling. The chair
falling out of place. And the door opening as Stifler walks
in. He stops, horrified.

STIFLER
Ugh... oh no...

He looks like he's going to barf. Instead, he passes out.

EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE - ESTABLISHING

The sun rises over Lake Michigan. A brand new day.

Various students are passed out here and there.

EXT. BEACH - DAY

Oz holds Heather in his arms. Completely peaceful.

SEAGULLS CALL to each other. WAVES BREAK on the shore.

Oz has lost all pretense. Smiling to himself, or maybe to
the world.

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim wakes up in bed, alone. He looks around.

JIM
She's gone.

He considers this.

JIM
Oh my God. She used me.

He considers this further. Smiles.

JIM
Wow! I was used! Cool!

He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...

JIM
Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail!
to the conquering heroes, hail...

INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at
the ceiling. Though they're trying to conceal it, we can see
a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking through.

KEVIN
That was a great night.

VICKY
Yeah.

A beat.

KEVIN
I can't believe we just had our senior
prom.

VICKY
Yeah, the time went by so fast.

KEVIN
It did.

Another beat.

VICKY
Kevin, next year... with you in Ann
Arbor, and me in Nashville... it's
not gonna work, is it.

KEVIN
Don't say that, we can do it somehow.
It might not be perfect, but --

VICKY
(interrupting)
No, Kevin --
(she sits up)
That's the whole thing, that's what
I've been realizing. That nothing's
perfect, that you can't plan
everything.

Kevin thinks this over.

KEVIN
It is far away... and we'll be on
our own... meeting new people...

A moment as they think this over.

KEVIN
Vicky... last night... I wasn't lying.

VICKY
I know.
(a beat)
Let's go. Don't you have something
to tell your friends?

KEVIN
What?

VICKY
Your little pact. Jessica told me
all about it.
(hits him lightly)
Way to go, Kev!

Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOG DAYS - DAY

A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"

INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs. Kevin's
LAUGHING.

KEVIN
(to Jim)
I guess we'll call you two-ply.

OZ
Yeah. So you want double condiments
on that?

JIM
No, no that's fine.
(then, to Kevin)
So you doing okay?

KEVIN
(a wistful smile)
Yeah.

FINCH
I'll tell you, I've learned one thing:
women, like wine, get better with
age.
(a beat)
Of course, I have no frame of
reference for this comparison.

KEVIN
So Oz, you almost made it, huh?

OZ
(smiles)
I'll just say that we had a great
night together.

JIM
Hang in there, buddy, you'll get
there.

OZ
I know.

KEVIN
Wow. You two really have something
going, don't you?

OZ
I think we're falling in love.

They GROAN. Oz just smiles.

KEVIN
You know what the coolest thing is?
This, right now.

They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.

OZ
It's true. I mean, after this,
everything'll be different.

JIM
After getting laid?

OZ
After high school.

KEVIN
Yeah, but we'll still see each other.

OZ
Fuck yeah we will.

A beat. Kevin raises his Pepsi.

KEVIN
To the next step.

ALL
To the next step.

They all toast.

INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

Kevin is on the phone.

KEVIN
(into phone)
Hey. I got another question for you.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
What's that?

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

Kevin arrives in the back of the library. Kneels down to put
the bible back.

KEVIN (V.O.)
Um... I'm sort of wondering about...
love.

We hear Kevin's Brother CHUCKLE knowingly.

KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
That's the next book, Kevin. That's
the next book.

He puts the bible back without the reverence he once had for
it. Stands up with some new confidence. We FOLLOW WITH HIM
as he walks out of the library... and enters the courtyard,
crowded with students. He disappears into them as we...

FADE TO BLACK:

ROLL CREDITS

INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

Jim's dad sits across from Jim.

JIM'S DAD
(eyes tearing)
Son. That's the best damn story I
ever heard.

Jim beams proudly.

JIM'S DAD
You know, after I graduated high
school, my parents let me do some
traveling...

INT. A HOTEL HALLWAY

SUPER: "PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC"

A WAITER ascends a beautiful, red-carpeted staircase, carrying
a tray with bottle of champagne and a rose. He arrives in
front of a hotel door. KNOCKS. A BELLBOY passes by, noticing
the waiter. And HE SPEAKS TO HIM IN AUTHENTIC, THICK CZECH.

BELLBOY
(subtitled)
Another bottle?

WAITER
(subtitled)
He knows how to treat a woman.

The door opens -- to reveal Jim, sweaty but not the least
bit tired, tying on a robe.

JIM
Thanks guys.

A pair of arms wraps around him from behind. And --

Nadia peeks her head over Jim's shoulder.

NADIA
Come back to bed, James.

Jim smiles to the guys and takes the tray, as Nadia pulls
him back in and closes the door.

WAITER
(subtitled)
That is one lucky man.

BELLBOY
(subtitled)
Funny -- I swear I have seen those
two somewhere before. The boy is
some sort of dancer.

They head off.

FADE TO BLACK:

THE END

Contact | Disclaimer
Copyright © WeeklyScript.com | Scripts Copyright © their respective owners