"THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY" Screenplay by Ed Decter, John J. Strauss and Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT October 21, 1997 FADE IN: EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED PELOQUIN. MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) When I was sixteen years old I fell in love... CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera. TED Hey, Renise. She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke. RENISE Hey. TED So what's up? RENISE Eh. TED Great. Great. (beat) So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to the prom you know, with me. Renise looks unenthused. TED It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you want. RENISE See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that this guy I like was gonna ask me. TED Uh-huh. RENISE Yeah, so... I'm gonna wait and see what happens there... But that sounds great, yeah. Ted nods, confused. TED Okay. (beat) So is that a yes or a no? RENISE I think I was very clear, Ted. If everything else falls apart, maybe. Renise throws down her butt and storms off. TED I'm gonna hold you to that. CUT TO: EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT ANGLE ON -- a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a bad bone in her body. MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two years earlier. She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school. MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she had a faceful of eyes that promised you a better life if you could only know her. As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS. FRIEND #1 Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom with? Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary. TED Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You know, not my style. FRIEND #2 You have a style? FRIEND #1 Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey? TED (perks up) Who? Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion. FRIEND #1 Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you spend enough fucking time with her. The guys LAUGH. TED (out of ammo but doesn't know it) Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own palm? His friends stare at him. FRIEND #1 Clever. I like the way you just spun that around on me. Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS. FRIEND #2 I wonder who she's going with. FRIEND #1 Some guy named Woogie. TED Who? FRIEND #1 Big guy -- goes to Barrington high school. This irks Ted. TED Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like a loser. FRIEND #1 Loser? Woogie was all-state football and and basketball and valedictorian of his class. FRIEND #2 I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton but he's going to Europe first to model. This takes the wind out of Ted's sails. FRIEND #3 Yeah and he's got a huge cock. Everyone looks at him. FRIEND #3 I heard. Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something. FRIEND #1 Hey, check it out. THEIR POV -- A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood. EAR-MUFF GUY You seen my baseball? CAR HOOD KID #2 No. The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group. EAR-MUFF GUY You seen my baseball? ON CAR HOOD KIDS CAR HOOD KID #1 (to his buddies) This guy must be in the 'tard squad. (to Ear-Muff Guy) Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where your ball is. The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car. EAR-MUFF GUY You seen my baseball? CAR HOOD KID #1 Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she has it. Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car talking to her large BOYFRIEND. CAR HOOD KID #2 'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She has another name for it... CUT TO: ON BUSTY GIRL -- The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her boyfriend. EAR-MUFF GUY You seen my pecker? GIRL What?! EAR-MUFF GUY You seen my pecker? The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar. BOYFRIEND You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass! The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about to pummel him when Ted intervenes. TED Take it easy, Smokey. BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY This fucking pervert just came on to Nance! TED All right, just be cool. (under breath) He looks like he's not all there, you know what I mean? A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more. BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY Get the fuck out of my way, man! Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear- Muff Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them. MARY What's going on here? She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground. MARY Are you all right? EAR-MUFF GUY Mary, you seen my baseball? MARY No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez, Warren, you know you're not supposed to leave the yard by yourself. BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY (to Mary) You know him? MARY He's my brother. BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY Oh. (beat) I didn't realize he was... you know... At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the school, along with most of the crowd. Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown. MARY You okay? HER POV -- Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes himself off. TED Oh yeah. Fine. MARY Thanks a lot, Ted. CLOSE ON -- Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren. MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of my best friends didn't know my name. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping. MARY Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt yourself? TED No, it's an old football injury. MARY Oh, are you on the team? TED No, a couple of the players and me were joking around and, uh, I fell off the school. Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back. WARREN Piggyback ride? MARY Warren, come on, leave Ted alone. Warren pats his back again. WARREN Piggyback ride. TED (to Mary) I don't mind. If you think he can hold me. MARY Oh he can hold you. He weighs two- hundred-and-thirty pounds. TED A real Clydesdale, huh Warren? Ted hops onto Warren's back. TED Giddy-up. Warren walks about five feet and stops. WARREN My turn now. Off Ted's reaction, we CUT TO: EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - DAY Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill with Warren on his back. TED (straining) We're here, Warren. You wanna get off? WARREN Giddy-up. Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks on, amused. MARY So who you taking to the prom? TED Huh? MARY The prom -- you going? TED Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty dumb. MARY 'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go if you weren't already taking someone. TED I mean dumb in the sense that they only happen once a year. She smiles at this. MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) From that moment on the guys at school looked at me in a whole new light. CUT TO: CLOSE ON FRIEND #1 FRIEND #1 You're a fucking liar! EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY PULLBACK TO REVEAL -- Ted is leaning against his locker surrounded by a group of guys. FRIEND #2 You expect us to believe you're going to the prom with Mary? What about Woogie? TED They broke up. She said he started getting weird on her. FRIEND #1 I got twenty bucks says you're full of shit. TED Oh come on, why would I lie? FRIEND #1 Because you're a loser, and in some warped way this gives you a momentary sense of worth. FRIEND #2 Put me down for fifty. FRIEND #3 I'm in. As the others join in, we CUT TO: EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station wagon. EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers. MARY'S DAD Yeah? What do you want? TED Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take Mary to the prom. MARY'S DAD Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She just left for the prom with her boyfriend Woogie. Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing MARY'S MOM. MARY'S MOM Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted. Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a joke a minute. TED Oh. (relieved) Oh, that's a good one. INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den. TED Hey, Warren. Warren doesn't look his way. Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe his eyes. MARY Hi, Ted. TED Hi, Mary. MARY'S MOM Poor Teddy -- he's been getting it both barrels from the Wisenheimer here. MARY Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops? Mary's Dad shrugs. MARY Warren, did you say hi to Ted? WARREN (not looking up) 'Bout ten times. TED Hey, Warren, I think I know where your baseball is. This finally gets Warren's attention. WARREN You seen my baseball? We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket and palm it in his hand. TED Well, if it's a big white one with red stitching, I think I saw it right behind your ear... Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground. MARY Warren!!! Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table. ON THE BASEBALL -- as it rolls under the couch, stopping right next to the OTHER MISSING BALL. BACK TO SCENE -- In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A HEADLOCK. MARY'S DAD (to Ted) What the hell are you doing?! MARY'S MOM Teddy, let him go! TED (out of breath) I'm trying... tell him to... calm down. The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up. MARY'S DAD (to Ted) Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you doing?! TED I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a baseball. MARY'S MOM What baseball? Where's a baseball? Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight. TED There was a ball. I had a ball, honest. As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to the couch. MARY (to Ted) I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a thing about his ears. TED Oh. Okay. I gotcha. MARY Are you all right? TED Oh yeah. MARY'S MOM (to Mary) Honey, now you're all wrinkled. Mary looks down and frowns. MARY Ted, will you just give me one more minute? I have to iron this thing. Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren. Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood. TED (to Mary's Dad) May I use your bathroom? INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left. TED'S POV -- two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch. Ted smiles... ...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and suddenly they fly away and we... SNAP FOCUS ...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only presume to be a leering Peeping Tom. ON TED... ...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom, HORRIFIED. PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and TED YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER! CUT TO: EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the bathroom. MARY (knocking gently) Ted, are you okay? TED (O.S.) (pained) Just a minute. MARY'S MOM He's been in there over half an hour. (whispering) Charlie, I think he's masturbating. MARY Mom! MARY'S MOM Well he was watching you undress with a silly grin on his face. TED (O.S.) (pained) I was watching the birds! They all look at one another. MARY'S MOM Charlie, do something. MARY'S DAD All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters. MARY'S DAD What seems to be the situation here? You shit yourself or something? TED I wish. Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges. TED I, uh... I got it stuck. MARY'S DAD You got what stuck? TED It. MARY'S DAD It? (beat) Oh it. All right, these things happen, let me have a look. It's not the end of the world. Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on. EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in... MARY'S DAD (O.S.) OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! TED (O.S.) Shhhhhh! INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS MARY'S DAD (CALLS OUT) Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this! TED What?! No please, sir -- MARY'S DAD She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what to do. Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her. MARY'S MOM Teddy, hon, are you okay? (moving closer, seeing the situation) OH HEAVENS TO PETE! TED Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us. MARY'S MOM Just relax, dear. Now, um... what exactly are we looking at here? TED (dizzy) What do you mean? MARY'S MOM (delicate) I mean is it... is it...? MARY'S DAD (gruff) Is it the frank or the beans? TED I think a little of both. Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door: WARREN (O.S.) Franks and beans! Ted hangs his head. EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door. MARY (to Warren) Shhhh. MARY'S DAD (O.S.) What the hell's that bubble? Mary REACTS to this. INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS TED One guess. MARY'S DAD How the hell'd you get the beans all the way up top like that? TED I don't know. It's not like it was a well thought-out plan. MARY'S MOM Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming through there. MARY'S DAD I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek was about, pumpkin. MARY'S MOM I'm going to get some Bactine. TED No, please! Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window. POLICE OFFICER Ho there. TED (humiliated) Oh God. POLICE OFFICER Everything okay here? Neighbors said they heard a lady scream. MARY'S DAD You're looking at him. C'mere and take a look at this beauty. TED No, that's really unneces -- But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES. POLICE OFFICER Now I've seen it all. What the hell were you thinking? TED (frustrated) I wasn't trying -- POLICE OFFICER Is that bubble what I think it is? Mary's parents nod. POLICE OFFICER But... how... how'd you get the zipper all the way to the top? MARY'S DAD Let's just say the kid's limber. The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves. POLICE OFFICER Well, there's only one thing to do. TED No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my shirttail out and work on it in the morning. POLICE OFFICER Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second. The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper. TED No, no, please! MARY'S MOM Teddy, be brave. WARREN (O.S.) Beans and franks! MARY (O.S.) Warren, shhh. Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst. POLICE OFFICER It's just like pulling off a Band- aid. A-one and a-two and... CUT TO: PARAMEDIC We got a bleeder! EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd of about thirty NEIGHBORS. PARAMEDIC (to Mary) Keep pressure on it! Mary does as she's told. MARY (running along) Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be okay? TED (irrational cockiness) You betcha! He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance. INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we DISSOLVE TO: INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch. TED ...Anyway, school ended a few days later and that July her father got transferred to Florida. The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY. Ted has been telling all this to no one. TED It took me half the summer to pay off all those bets. (sighs) I never did see Mary again. That was about twelve years ago. Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip- toes back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his collar.) PSYCHIATRIST Uh-huh. Interesting. The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin, then tosses it aside. TED Anyway, it's not something you exactly forget about, but I guess I must've blocked it out of my head. Then about a week ago I'm driving on the highway and I got to thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't breathe... I couldn't keep up with the flow of traffic anymore I felt like I was going to die. I pulled into a rest area, parked the car, and just started shaking. The Psychiatrist scratches his chin. PSYCHIATRIST You know... rest areas are homosexual hang-outs. TED Huh? PSYCHIATRIST Highway rest areas -- they're the bathhouses of the nineties for some gay men. Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink. TED What are you saying? PSYCHIATRIST (checking wristwatch) Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into that next week. Off Ted's look, we CUT TO: EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets. DOM Gay? He said you were gay? TED He implied it. DOM Well you're a writer, and a lot of writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote. TED Yeah, but he was successful. DOM Let me ask you this: When you smoke a cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls? Ted appears to think about this. TED Come on, that wouldn't make me gay. DOM I'm going to fix you up with my new assistant. TED What's he like? Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball. DOM You're leaving it out. Finish your swing. (beat) You're going to like this one -- she's half Asian, half American. TED Good-looking? DOM I just told you, she's half Asian. half American. They're all good looking. You could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's a foolproof combo. Ted thinks about it. TED What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm in a slump. (SIGHS) Lately I've been feeling like... well... like a loser. DOM Loser? You? Ted shrugs. DOM Give me a break. Remember five years ago, when your kidneys failed? If you were a loser would they have been able to find a donor with an exact tissue match? What are the odds of that, one in a million? TED Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got killed in an explosion? DOM I never said that. I'm saying your lucky those kids found his kidneys. (beat) Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a shit about you. Ted gives him a look. DOM You know, you're a real glass-is- half-empty guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man. Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS. TED I gotta take this, it might be my boss. (flips phone open) Ted here. GARBLED VOICE (on phone) You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of puke! Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and puts it back in his pocket. TED Yep. EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps. We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball hoop, dolls, etc. DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar. DOM'S WIFE I thought you guys might like these with your beers. DOM Thanks, baby. She goes back inside. TED See, that's what I want. I don't need these bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what you have. A family.... Someone to... you know... love. These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a little embarrassed. TED It must be great with a wife like that. DOM Each day is better than the next. (beat) Have you ever been, you know... in love with someone? TED Nah. DOM Never? TED Well once. Mary. Dom SIGHS. DOM Mary again. TED Look, I admit it was brief, but it was definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve years. DOM Whatever happened to Mary? TED I told you, her family moved to Miami. DOM I mean since then. TED I don't know. DOM Well why don't you look her up? TED (sarcastic) Yeah, right. DOM Why not? TED Because I guarantee she's married and has a couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay single. DOM What if you're wrong? You just said she's the only girl you ever loved, what have you got to lose by calling her? TED I did try calling her. (sheepish) A few years ago. She wasn't listed. DOM So that was it? One bump in the road and you gave up? TED I also called Unsolved Mysteries. DOM You're kidding? What did they say? TED They told me they don't help out stalkers. (beat) Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long time. DOM I got it -- you hire a private eye, fly him out there, he follows her around a couple days, she'll never know a thing. Ted considers this. TED No. No fucking way. That's too creepy. Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers. DOM Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in my office who might be able to help you out. He's a claims investigator and he goes to Miami every couple weeks. As Ted thinks about this, we CUT TO: ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A BIG INSURANCE COMPANY - MORNING INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway. TED I don't know about this, Dom. DOM Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston office; some bullshit about padding his resume -- like we haven't all done that. Anyway, they were going to let him go but his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that ended up on my desk. TED His mother? DOM Yeah, I guess he still lives with her. Seemed like a sweet lady -- got diabetes or something -- so I went out on a limb and got him transferred down to Providence. TED And you think he could find out her number for me? DOM He'll do better than that. I'll send him down to Miami on business, you throw him a couple bucks on the side, and he'll track her down. Ted thinks about this. DOM Just let me warn you -- This guy runs a little hot, but he gets the job done. CUT TO: INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three- piece suit. Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance investigator. HEALY So, Dom tells me you're looking for some lady-friend you knew in high school. TED Uh-huh. HEALY Any idea where I might start looking? TED She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago. I checked directory assistance down there and she's not listed. She might've moved ten times since then. HEALY (skeptical) All you want is a phone number? TED Well, I know you're busy... HEALY Don't play games with me, Ted. TED I don't know, maybe you could poke around for a half day and see if she has five kids and a Labrador. HEALY I don't buy it. TED You don't buy what? Suddenly Healy is in his face. HEALY Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from the hip. Now I want you to level with me: Did you knock this skirt up? TED (indignant) No. HEALY She's blackmailing you, right? TED (more indignant) No. HEALY You want her dead, don't you? TED You can't be serious. HEALY Do you really expect me to believe this is a straight stalker case? TED I'm not a stalker! She's a friend of mine. HEALY Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted number and you haven't heard squat from her in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted. You're a real piece of work. TED (stands) Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the whole thing. HEALY I get one hundred a day plus expenses. TED (LAUGHS at Healy's nerve) You get fifty a day, period. It's a business trip, they'll pay for your expenses. Healy thinks about it. HEALY Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over on you. CUT TO: ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver, SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties. SULLY Healy you dog! HEALY (checking out car) Fucking Sully! Look at you! SULLY (Boston accent) You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser. INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a packet. SULLY Here's the info you asked for. HEALY Thanks. SULLY You should thank me -- that girl was not easy to find. What'd she scam you out of-some insurance dough? HEALY Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track down his high school girlfriend. SULLY Stalker, huh? HEALY Big time. INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around. HEALY Very nice. SULLY I'm doing okay. (checks watch) I gotta get ready for work. Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment. HEALY Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels? Looks like you really cleaned up your act. SULLY (O.S.) What can I tell you? It's a healthier lifestyle down here, and it's easier to succeed when your head's clear. Those guys I worked with back in Boston, they were a bad influence. HEALY Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go grab a couple drinks. SULLY (O.S.) Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore. HEALY Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right? Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap. HEALY What the...?! Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform. SULLY Take it easy, that's Bill. HEALY Tell Bill to get the fuck off! SULLY (smiling) Relax, he just ate. Healy just stares at his friend. SULLY (proudly) Nineteen months I been sober. HEALY What are you talking about? You were never an alky, you were a cokehead. SULLY Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta quit the booze, too. HEALY Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm proud of you. Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully. HEALY Here, just have one of these then. SULLY Healy, what I just tell you? HEALY This is a light beer. You can't have a light beer? SULLY No I can't. Healy stares at him, baffled. HEALY Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ sakes. (holds up beer) Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya. Sully stares at the beer, weakening. HEALY I'm worried about you, man. You better learn to have a pop once in a while or you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're being a fanatic and that ain't healthy. SULLY Am I? HEALY Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You gotta learn how to bend a little or believe me... you're gonna break. Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then sips. SULLY Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't even taste good to me anymore. HEALY Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are you, spotting? Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we CUT TO: INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours, food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE attached to a pair of BINOCULARS. Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones -- Healy's jolted awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the binoculars toward... HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed, wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she still looks well cast. CLOSE UP -- ON HEALY -- he's become extremely interested in his work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to do -- he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER: HEALY (into recorder) Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue, Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass, affirmative. INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA, sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS. MARY Have you been up all night again? MAGDA Bet your ass I have. It's an important job, Neighborhood Watch is. MARY Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call listening in on stranger's phone conversations? MAGDA These ain't strangers, they're neighbors. This only picks up signals in a half-mile radius. MARY Meaning? MAGDA Meaning these are the people you live amongst, you got a right to know if they're creeps. For instance, did you know there's a guy down the hall cheating on his wife? MARY (feigning shock) You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta move. MAGDA I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew something was up because Puffy used to bark like hell whenever he saw him and you know Puffy only barks at bad people. Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head. MARY Magda, Puffy barks at everybody. MAGDA That's because there's a lot of bad people out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you about that Steve guy you was seeing -- he was a fucking asswipe -- but you had to find out for yourself, didn't you? MARY Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep, huh. Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom. CUT TO: MUSIC MONTAGE -- as Healy follows Mary around town. EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple, then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off. EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls. ON HEALY -- watching from the parking lot. HEALY (into mic) Looks like we got an athlete on our hands. EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD. PAN TO Healy watching from his car. HEALY (into mic) Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm guessing she's either got a bowel disorder or we've got a hurler on our hands. EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves. Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins. MARY Get in line. One at a time. A fat patient, GARY, approaches. GARY Can I have two, Mary? MARY Yeah, you can have two halves, just like everyone else. GARY Thanks. Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her. FREDDIE Will you marry me, Mary? MARY Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about Dolores? Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie. FREDDIE Would you marry us both, Mary? MARY Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you, wouldn't it? Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be inconspicuous. MARY Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who looked just like you here a minute ago. Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin. CLOSE ON Healy. HEALY (into mic) Ixnay on the big appetite. (beat) She's just got a big heart. EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach Magazine. LISA Listen to this one -- 'Seeking sensitive Wasp doctor to share candlelit dinners, long walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.' BRENDA What does this girl want, a corpse? You gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute with three pound cock and trust fund.' JOANIE No, it should be 'a hockey player with great pecs.' MARY Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana hammock. PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their conversation. BRENDA (O.S.) (to Mary) I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a washboard stomach like Brad Pitt? BACK ON Mary and friends. MARY I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy. You can have those pretty boys who hang out in a gym all day staring at their reflections. ON HEALY HEALY (quietly into mic) A girl after your own heart, Ted. BACK ON Mary and friends. JOANIE I can live with those reflections. MARY I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies. Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer and playing thirty- six holes and still has enough energy to take me and Warren out to a ballgame. JOANIE (sarcastic) Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going to find a guy like that. MARY But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking about has got to be self- employed. LISA You mean, like an architect or something? MARY Architect, yeah. BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor. MARY No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah, that's good, but it's the freedom I'm talking about. See, this guy has to have a job he could do anywhere. That way we could just up and leave at the drop of a hat. LISA And where would you and your beer- bellied architect be leaving to? MARY I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans Jazz Festival... maybe a couple months in Nepal. JOANIE Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy halfway to Katmandu. MARY What's that supposed to mean? JOANIE It means you're too hard on guys. MARY No I'm not. JOANIE Oh come off it, Mare. What about what's-his-name... Steverino? You could've at least passed the baton on that one. The girls LAUGH. MARY Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for awhile. JOANIE All right for awhile? The guy's good- looking, rich, witty. He was a god. LISA At one point you were talking about marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him? Mary thinks about this. MARY I don't know, it was complicated. He's in San Francisco, I'm in Miami. (dodging question) Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him. JOANIE Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you said you were putting her up for a month -- it's been a year and a half. MARY Ah, she's okay. LISA Mary, cut the crap, what really happened with Steve? MARY Nothing. I mean, you know my brother. (sighs) Warren. JOANIE What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren. MARY I don't want someone who'll put up with him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the way I do. Do you know what he told my friend Tucker? He said he would've popped the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't in my life. (beat) Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn lucky to have him. The hell with Steve. Everyone is touched by this. Then: BRENDA Well, that's the last time I blow him behind your back. As the girls LAUGH, we CUT TO: EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers but doesn't speak. HEALY Hello...? Sully...? (beat) Sully, that you? SULLY (V.O.) (over phone) Who the fuck is it to you? HEALY Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over there? INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake are in the doorway looking at him with concern. SULLY (into phone, sloshed) Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit don't stink. Well I got news for you -- you're goddamn right it don't! How the hell are ya?! INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT Healy looks at the phone, concerned. HEALY Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know I'll have your car back in a couple hours, I'm still staking out this girl's apartment. SULLY (V.O.) You found my car?! Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in his seat. ON MARY -- she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him the bag. HOMELESS MAN Thanks, Mary. MARY You watch out for yourself, Herb. As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda out of the bag. INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio scanner, listening intently. MAGDA Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this -- some cop's staking out this broad's apartment. MARY No time, Magda, my show's starting. BACK ON HEALY... ...he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT pointed at Mary's place. MAGDA (V.O.) This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his partner's all lubed up. HEALY (quietly into phone) Call you back. SULLY (over phone) God, I miss ya, ya fuck -- Healy hangs up abruptly. INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT MAGDA Ah, Christ, I lost 'em. Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing. Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching. DISSOLVE TO: INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and GIGGLING away in bed. ON HEALY -- he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too. HEALY Fucking Barney... he never learns... INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and starts to UNDRESS for bed. BACK ON HEALY -- he sits up, very interested now. HEALY (into mic) Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money shot. Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger, MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS. HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest, saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet. ON HEALY -- he cringes. HEALY Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy Boy.... HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV -- He moves his view up from the tits to reveal... MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed. ON HEALY -- He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window. HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV -- moving over to the next window we see... Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt. ON HEALY -- as he starts to drool. HEALY Oh sweet Jesus DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy approaches. HEALY I've got some very, very good news for you, my friend. TED Really? (perking up) Very, very? Healy sits down and motions for a beer. HEALY I think your life's about to change. TED So you found Mary? HEALY Right there in Liberty City. And you were right, she's really something. TED (smiles) So she hasn't changed? HEALY That I couldn't say. Let me ask you something: Was she a little big-boned in high school? TED No, not at all. HEALY Well she must've packed on a few pounds over the years. This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm. TED Mary's a little chubby, huh? HEALY I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half. Not bad. Ted's smile starts to fade. HEALY But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids, you're going to put on a few pounds. TED So she's married? HEALY Nope. Never been. TED Huh? HEALY Four kids, three different guys. TED Three different guys? HEALY Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two whites, and a midget. TED Oh my. HEALY Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet. TED She's in a wheelchair?! Ted looks completely drained. HEALY Don't look so shocked, it's been a long time. I bet you've changed a lot over the last twelve years, haven't you? TED (shrugs) It's just that... Mary. I wouldn't have thought... HEALY Anyway, the good news is I have all the information you need. Got it from her bookie -- nice guy. You should definitely call her, Ted. I mean she's a real sparkplug, that one. She seems determined to get those rugrats off welfare and with your help I'll bet she does it. Ted stands and starts moping away. TED Thanks, Healy. Good work. HEALY Ted? Don't you want the name of the housing project? TED Uh, that's okay. HEALY You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to hear from you before her mastectomy! As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back. INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled- up Kleenex, a few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens it. TED'S POV -- Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling Mary. As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too. INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY ON HEALY'S CUBICLE -- Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches. TED What are you doing? HEALY Oh, uh, I resigned. Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk. TED Miami? HEALY Yeah, this insurance business is too slow for me. I'm going to go down and try my hand at jai alai. TED Jai alai? HEALY Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at home in the fronton. Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't. TED Look, uh, I've been thinking about everything you told me. HEALY Good good. TED Well I think you're right, I should look her up. HEALY Rollerpig? Are you nuts? TED But you said she was a sparkplug...? HEALY I said buttplug. She's heinous. Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY They walk across the lot toward Healy's car. TED All the same, I still want to call her. I know it sounds crazy -- Mary sure has a lot of troubles in her life -- but, I don't know, maybe I can help her out. (sighs) The poor thing's had it tough -- she's in a wheelchair for Godsakes. HEALY It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal. TED Oh. I thought (beat) That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't make any sense to you, but I just can't turn it off that fast. I still feel something for her. Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk. HEALY Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number for you just as soon as she gets back from Japan. TED Japan? What's she doing in Japan? HEALY You've heard of mail-order brides? Well they go that way, too. Ted is devastated. TED Mary's a mail-order bride? HEALY Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget, it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the pound there. Sort of like tuna. Off Ted's look, we CUT TO: EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog. TED That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never procrastinate about anything again. Life is too fucking short. DOM Hey, look on the bright side -- TED (interrupting) What's that, Dom? What's the bright side? DOM Well... at least now you know. TED I think it was better when I didn't. It was kind of inspiring to know there was someone so pure in the world. As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING. TED What's so funny? DOM I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here you've been in therapy thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you! Ted flinches at this. TED Wait a second, I never told you that. DOM Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away. Ted thinks it over. TED Maybe you're right. I should look on the bright side. I mean, I've still got my health... (checks watch) I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six a.m. to move my boss's brother into his apartment. DOM What? On your day off? Do you even know the guy? TED Never met him. DOM Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn novel so you can quit that stupid magazine. TED Amen to that. CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls jauntily to... GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball and it dribbles about ten yards. HEALY Hit a house! Bite bite! (to Mary) Haven't swung the wrenches in a while. Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing, and HEALY Hey, can you give me some tips here? She cracks her shot long and straight. MARY Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing. HEALY Thanks. Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club. HEALY I'm gonna get a soda, you want one? MARY (annoyed) No thanks. Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket. HEALY Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar? All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins. MARY (interested) Nepal? Have you been? HEALY Not in months. I don't even know why I bought the damn place. MARY You own a home there? HEALY Well... it's just a condo really. Right outside Katmandu. MARY Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to go. Is it true the mountains are so tall you can't see the tops? HEALY Not 'til you get about three hundred yards from the summit. That's been my experience anyway. She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch. HEALY You know, I should just get going. I'll work on my game next week. He flips her a coin. HEALY Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu. MARY (smiles) Thanks. Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she ever see this guy again? MARY (CALLS after him) It was nice meeting you! Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and gives her a little wave. Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well... EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's Honda Civic. He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A second chance. MARY Well, it was nice meeting you, again. HEALY Same here again. MARY By the way, what's your name? HEALY Pat Healy. There's an uncomfortable pause... Why doesn't this guy ask the usual questions? MARY Don't you want to know my name? HEALY I already know it, Mary. MARY (surprised) How'd you know that? HEALY It's right there on your golf bag. Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly, rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to help Healy pick them up. MARY What are you doing with all these blueprints? HEALY Some buildings I'm working on. MARY Are you... an architect? HEALY Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card. Mary stares at him, mouth agape. HEALY I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call me an architect -- it's just a job really, a way to keep me moving. My real passion is my hobby. MARY What's that? HEALY I work with retards. MARY (taken aback) I beg your pardon? HEALY You know... (flaps lips with fingers) ...the guys who ride the short bus. MARY (put off) Isn't that a little politically incorrect? HEALY The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with. MARY No, I mean HEALY -- There's this one kid, we call him Mongo on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out of his cage once and -- MARY -- He's in a cage?! HEALY Well it's more of an enclosure really. MARY They keep him confined? That's bullshit! HEALY That's what I said, so I went out and got him a leash you know, one of those clothesline runners for the backyard. He's got plenty of room out there to dig. The kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him to ball games, movies -- you know, happy stuff. MARY That sounds like fun. HEALY Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven for me. (getting emotional) Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I have in this crazy old world. (checks watch) Ooh, hey, I gotta run. MARY (won back over) Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go have dinner sometime. Healy smiles at this and we CUT TO: EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M. A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.) BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to scratch that thing, huh? TED (straining) What? BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER You heard me. You already put a fucking nick in my piano. TED (biting tongue) I'll try to be more careful. BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER S'matter with you? You look like you're fading. TED The thing's kind of heavy. BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know what heavy feels like, you insensitive prick. TED No, I just meant... BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a cup of coffee. The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests. ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE Hey you! Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on her heels. T.V. NEWS REPORTER Do you know that you're parked in a handicapped spot? CUT TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE, an old high school pal, palpates his spine. DR. LALONDE (smirking) So... I see you made the news. TED (angry and embarrassed) It wasn't my truck -- I was helping out a guy in a wheelchair. DR. LALONDE (dubious) Uh-huh. Where was he? TED Out getting coffee. DR. LALONDE Yeah, that's more or less what the others said, too. Out getting coffee... supposed to meet him here... picking up my grandma... Ted turns and GLARES at him. DR. LALONDE I'm just saying... They sure made you look dumb. Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck. TED Bob, do you remember Mary? DR. LALONDE Who? TED Mary. DR. LALONDE From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her about six months ago at a convention in Las Vegas. Ted sits up. TED A convention? How'd you see her at a convention? DR. LALONDE I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an orthopedic surgeon. The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling. DR. LALONDE What a babe... Ted sits up on his elbows. TED Babe? CUT TO: INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on his face. TED Mary's a babe! DOM What? TED My Mary -- she's not in Japan, she's single, and she's got no rugrats. She does have a little gambling problem, she plays the football cards a bit too much, but she's a babe, a surgeon babe! DOM Huh? But why did Healy? TED Well think about it. Ted folds his arms. DOM No You mean...? TED Uh-huh. DOM The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look her up. TED (nodding) That sneaky prick was probably practicing his jai alai. Dom shakes his head. Then: DOM Well then you've got to call her, man. TED Fuck calling her. I'm going down there. INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her lap. MAGDA So who's the lucky guy? MARY Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving range. MAGDA Good lookin'? MARY He's no Steve Young. INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this. MAGDA (V.O.) What's he like? MARY (V.O.) I don't know. He's kind of a mook. MAGDA (V.O.) What's a mook? MARY (V.O.) You know, a mookalone, a schlep. INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT MAGDA Then why you going out with him if he's a schlep? MARY Come on, Magda (SIGHS) It's like that movie Harold and Maude. MAGDA I don't watch the new ones. MARY This one's almost thirty years old. It's about a young kid and an old lady who fall in love. MAGDA That's exactly why I don't watch 'em anymore -- it's bullshit! Why the hell would an old lady go for a young kid? Mary smiles at this. MARY The point is, love isn't about money or social standing or age, it's about connecting with someone, having things in common kindred spirits. MAGDA Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy here's gonna tell you all you need to know about this guy in about two seconds flat. If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if Puffy's relaxed... well, you got yourself a keeper. INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT As Healy thinks about this, we CUT TO: EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Healy enters the building. INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the mail slot. HEALY'S POV -- Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING. Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT. Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it, then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE. Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick in. CUT TO: INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on in amazement. HEALY (baby talk) Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum- tum rubbed, doesn't he now? MARY Wow, I've never seen him like this. He doesn't usually like guys. MAGDA You mean he doesn't like bad guys. HEALY 'That right? MAGDA He can tell you're an animal nut. You are, aren't ya? HEALY Truth is I usually get along better with animals than with people. In Nepal the villagers call me 'Kin-tan- tee', which means 'man who is loved by many animals... (babbling) ...who love him a lot, too... and so on.' Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten. MAGDA Would you like a glass of tea or something? HEALY You got a brew? MARY Sure. (noticing Magda's trance) Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more cheese and crackers...? MAGDA Oh, yeah, of course, dear. The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch to time the rate. MARY (O.S.) (CALLING out) Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka? HEALY (CALLING out) Great. He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR. One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him. MAGDA (O.S.) (CALLING out) Would you like a little clam-dip, honey? HEALY (CALLING out) No, thanks. (panicking) Love a little bundt cake if you have some! INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop. MAGDA Bundt cake? MARY (shrugs) Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can find some cookies. As Magda starts to go through the cupboards... INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now. Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth.... HEALY (quietly, desperately, to Puffy) Come on, man, stay away from the light! Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest, with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS. Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest. ZZZZZTTTTTT -- the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as SPARKS FLY. Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with the LIVE WIRES. ZZZZZTTTTT -- Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN FLAMES. When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG. With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR! MAGDA All I had was some Funny Bones -- how does that sound, honey? Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary. HEALY (petting dog) Fine. Fine. MARY Here you go. (sniffs) What's that smell? Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we CUT TO: EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the courtyard area by the main building. HEALY The museum? I thought we were going out to dinner? MARY We will, but first I have a surprise. HEALY A surprise? MARY The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker is going to be here. He's an architect, too. You guys will have tons to talk about. CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic. INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room for her friend. Healy's face is ashen. MARY I know he's around here someplace. HEALY (chipper) What say we get outta here and go crush a bucket? MARY We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't this stuff great? Mary points to an architectural model. MARY Is this one art deco or art nouveau? HEALY Deco. MARY Would you call that a portico or a vestibule? HEALY That...? Vestibule. MARY How about -- ? HEALY When you look at architecture, try not to concern yourself with the pieces -- look at the building in its totalitarianism. Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible sixshooters at her. HEALY Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta here, goofy. He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S. MARY Tucker! Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a distinguished- looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace. TUCKER (still hugging) Come on, like you mean it. Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then: MARY Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy. Healy and Tucker shake hands. TUCKER Pleasure to meet you, Patrick. HEALY Same here. MARY Pat's an architect, too. TUCKER Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices? HEALY (keeping cool) Mainly I work out of Boston. TUCKER Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up there? HEALY Yes yes, I did get my degree up there. TUCKER Harvard? HEALY You bet. TUCKER (pleased) Did you study under Kim Greene? HEALY Among others. TUCKER Kim and I are close friends! HEALY Well, I'll tell her I ran into you. TUCKER You mean him. Beat. HEALY Well... that's debatable. Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in doubt. TUCKER Really? But he's been married for twenty years -- they've got six kids. HEALY Nice smokescreen, isn't it? Tucker can hardly believe his ears. MARY Pat does projects all over the world. TUCKER (impressed) Where would I have seen your work? HEALY Have you been to (thinking hard) Let's see -- Santiago, Chile? TUCKER Absolutely! I was there twice last year. Which building is yours? HEALY Do you know the... soccer stadium? TUCKER Did you build the Estadio Olympico? HEALY No... just down the street, the Amigo Tower. TUCKER I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What style? HEALY Uh, sort of nouveau Deco... with a big vestibule. Check it out next time you're up there. Tucker starts to look a little suspicious. TUCKER You know, I really should take your card. HEALY (noticing something) Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a minute, Tucker? Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an exhibit. HEALY (to Man) Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell are ya? MAN My name's Mel. HEALY Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look just like Jim Dubois? MAN The sheepfucker? Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera. INT. TOYOTA TERCEL A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a- car. He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG between his legs. HITCHHIKER Thanks for picking me up. TED No prob, I could use the company. I've been on the road going on fifteen hours straight. HITCHHIKER I know how you feel -- I been standing in the same spot for the last five hours. You know it's against the law to pick up a hitchhiker in this state. TED That must make it tough. HITCHHIKER Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of salesman or something? TED Nah. I'm... I'm nothing. HITCHHIKER Oh. Well I am. TED Hm? HITCHHIKER A salesman -- that's what I am. I mean, I'm gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own company -- video sales -- just as soon as I get enough seed money. TED 'That right? Good for you. HITCHHIKER Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea -- it's a home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute Abs? TED The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on T.V. HITCHHIKER Two million copies it sold last year. Two million, man. But not next year -- my idea's gonna blow them outta the water. Get this: (dramatic pause) Seven-Minute Abs. Beat. TED I see where you're going. HITCHHIKER (big smile) Think about it. You walk into a video store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and right next to it you see Seven- Minute Abs -- which one you gonna spring for? TED I'd go with the seven. HITCHHIKER Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll get every bit as good a work- out. TED How do you guarantee that? HITCHHIKER Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't happy we'll send you the extra minute.' TED Huh. That sounds great. (beat) Unless someone else comes out with Six-Minute Abs. Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused. TED (unaware) I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak. EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into the bushes to whiz. ON TED -- as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND. TED What the -- ? Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH -- several huge SPOTLIGHTS illuminate the area revealing TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all around him. POLICE OFFICER (O.S.) THIS IS A RAID! AN