"STALAG 17" Screenplay by Billy Wilder and Edwin Blum Based on a play by Donald Bevan and Edmund Trzcinski SHOOTING DRAFT SEQUENCE "A" FADE IN: BARBED WIRE AGAINST A WINTRY NIGHT SKY Beyond it, more barbed wire. Ice has formed on the strands. Now and then searchlight beams crisscross the pattern. As the CAMERA SLOWLY MOVES along the double fence, SUPERIMPOSE - THE CREDIT TITLES THE GREAT CAMP - (NIGHT) A wide expanse of barren ground checkered with clusters of barracks, sectioned off into compounds by double barbed-wire fences, nine feet high. Searchlights sweep over the barracks, the muddy ground with the snow patches, and the pine forest beyond the barbed-wire. The searchlights come from the goon towers -- little guard houses elevated on poles -- interspersed along the fences. COOKIE'S VOICE (with an occasional stammer) I don't know about you, but it always make me sore when I see those war pictures -- all about flying leather- necks and submarine patrols and frogmen and guerillas in the Philippines. I don't want to take anything away from those guys, but what gets me is that there never was a movie about P.O.W.s -- about prisoners of war. Now my name is Clarence Harvey Cook, -- they call me Cookie. I was shot down over Magdeburg, Germany back in 43. That's why I stammer a little once in a while, especially when I get excited and I always get excited when I talk about Stalag 17. I spent two and a half years in Stalag 17. Stalag is the Kraut word for prison camp and number 17 was somewhere near Krems on the Danube. There were about forty thousand P.O.W.s there, if... OUR COMPOUND In the foreground the big gate. Above it a sign: STALAG 17- D. On both sides of the gate German guards in heavy coats, rifles slung over their shoulders. They stomp about in enormous boots with high cork soles to keep warm. Beyond the gate about eight low barracks form a U about the Appell- ground. They are primitive one-story wooden structures all set up on stilts about two feet high. From one of the buildings -- the Administration Building -- flies the swastika. In between the barracks are the wash latrines. A road runs through the slushy compound to the compound beyond. ONE OF THE GOON TOWERS A couple of German guards up there, one at the machine gun, the other working the searchlight. COOKIE'S VOICE you bothered to count the Russians and the Poles and the Czechs. In our Compound there were about six hundred and thirty of us -- all American airmen, all shot down by the Krauts -- radio operators, gunners and engineers -- all sergeants. Now you put six hundred and thirty sergeants together and boinnnnng! -- you've got yourself a situation! There was more fireworks shooting off around that place! Take for instance the story about the spy we had in our barrack. It was about a week before Christmas in '44 and two of our guys -- Manfredi and Johnson to be exact -- were just getting set to blow the joint... THE HUNDEFUEHRER A German guard plodding along inside the barbed wire with four mean mastiffs straining at the leash. The light from the goon tower grazes over him. ONE OF THE BARRACKS The light sweeps slowly over the long shack. Catches the sign: BARACKE 4. Catches one of the doors, locked from outside with a heavy wooden bar. INSIDE BARRACK Bunks on both sides. Tripledecked bunks. In the bunks seventy- five American P.O.W.s huddled in blankets. In between the bunks, in the little space left to them, crude tables, an iron stove, makeshift stools. Every inch crowded with whatever they have. Up above and all the way down the barrack hangs their wash. Over all of it, the heavy stench of seventy-five men cooped up. From outside through the broken, patched windows the searchlight sweeps over the bunks. The men are all asleep. Or are they? THE FAR END OF THE BARRACK This is the strategic spot of the story. In the five tiers of bunks live our major characters. In the upper bunk lies HOFFY. Little fellow. Plenty of authority. The Barrack Chief. His eyes are wide open. He is studying his wristwatch, the phosphorescent numerals shining in the dark. In the other bunks lie the others, wide awake, tense: DUKE, big bellyacher. TRIZ, six-foot-three, ninety-eight pounds. PRICE, the barrack Security Chief. Quiet, touch of class. MANFREDI, no cover, fully dressed. HARRY, bug-eyed, cocky. BLONDIE, fair-skinned, boyish. JOHNSON, fully dressed like Manfredi. Scared. SEFTON, casual. In his mouth a cold cigar butt. Hoffy again. Still staring at the wristwatch. This is the moment. He lifts the metal dogtags off his chest and jiggles them. This is the signal. Duke instantly slides out of the bunk, grabs up his blanket and moves toward the window. A searchlight beam sweeps across. Duke goes flush on the ground. The light passes on. Duke gets up again and starts hanging the blanket over the window. Now the others go into action, silently, efficiently. Except for Manfredi and Johnson they are all in long winter underwear, some in slacks and socks. As for Sefton, he is lying in his bunk just watching them. Blondie hangs a blanket over the window. Triz swings one over the clothesline to shield off their end of the barrack. Hoffy and Price light a couple of handmade lamps: margarine in tin cans with the wick stuck inside. Manfredi and Johnson are putting on their leather jackets. Harry tries to awaken STOSH in the bunk above him. The wooden boards around Stosh's bunk are plastered with Betty Grable cheesecake. Harry pokes him. Stosh does not respond. Harry interlocks his fingers, puts them close to Stosh's ears and cracks them in a SHARP SALVO. Stosh opens his eyes, dazed. Harry pats Stosh's cheek. HARRY (in a whisper) Get up, Animal! Betty Grable's on the phone! Stosh gives him a dirty look. Gets out of the bunk. He and Harry move to the little iron stove. Triz is already dismantling the pipe above the stove. Harry and Stosh lift the stove and start inching it to one side. Hoffy moving to a large bucket of water. It is a trick job: a bucket within a bucket. He lifts out the shallow inner part with the water. Hidden underneath are some civilian clothes. He takes them out, crosses to Manfredi and Johnson. (All the dialogue in this scene in whispers, of course.) HOFFY Here's your civilian clothes, boys. MANFREDI Okay, Hoffy. Duke takes the clothes from Hoffy and starts stuffing them into a small barrack bag. HOFFY Bury your Army outfits before you get out of the forest. MANFREDI Okay. HOFFY The compass is the top button on your pants, Johnson. JOHNSON Okay. Sefton, propped up in his bunk, watches the proceedings with a pitying little smile. He eyes wander to Harry and Stosh. By now they have moved the stove some four feet to the side, and start carefully lifting some sawed-off planks out of the floor. Blondie is standing watch by the blanket-covered window, peeking out. Price slips a wire hook down into the crack between a bunk and the wall, fishes out a sheaf of papers and walks to Manfredi and Johnson. PRICE Anybody asks for your papers, you're French laborers. He hands them the papers. PRICE Your map -- your Kraut money -- Swiss francs. MANFREDI Roger. PRICE Now, let's hear it once more, boys. JOHNSON We've been over it a hundred times. HOFFY Let's hear it again. MANFREDI We stick to the forest going west until we hit the Danube -- PRICE Check. JOHNSON Then follow the Danube up to Linz -- PRICE Check. JOHNSON In Linz we hop a barge and go all the way to Ulm -- From OFF come the WEIRD SOUNDS of an ocarina being played. They turn. It's JOEY in his bunk playing the sweet potato. He's nuts all right. DUKE Stop it, Joey -- go to sleep! Joey hides the ocarina behind his back, afraid they may take it away. PRICE (to Johnson) Go on. You're in Ulm. JOHNSON Once in Ulm we lie low until night, then take a train to Friedrichshafen. MANFREDI Then once in Friedrichshafen we steal a rowboat, get some fishing tackle, and start drifting across the lake -- always south -- until we hit the other side -- Switzerland. Sefton has gotten out of his bunk, and is picking up the margarine lamp. SEFTON Bingo. Once in Switzerland, just give out with a big yodel so we'll know you're there. It's a breeze, boys. He lights his cigar butt with the margarine lamp. Manfredi and Johnson shoot him a nervous glance. HOFFY Stay out of it, Sefton. SEFTON Just one question. Did you calculate the risk? Harry and Stosh have by now removed the loose planks off the floor. A small black hole gapes below them. HARRY Ready. Hoffy, Price, Manfredi and Johnson move toward the trap door, Johnson carrying the barrack bag. Hoffy looks at his watch. HOFFY You got ten minutes to get through the tunnel. That'll bring you out just when the Jerries are changing shifts. (Turns to window) Blondie? Blondie gives him the high sign. HOFFY (to Manfredi and Johnson) Okay, boys -- peel off. There are handshakes, goodbyes and good-lucks. STOSH When you get going on those broads, think of me! HARRY Animal! Animal! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? A couple of guys are trying to escape and you're thinking of broads. Broads? He does a take. JOHNSON (with feeling) We'll miss you, you cruds. He turns and climbs down through the trap. Before Manfredi follows him, he turns away, goes down on his knee, crosses himself quickly. UNDERNEATH BARRACK 4 - (NIGHT) Johnson has already landed on the ground. Manfredi slips down. They look around and start crawling off in the direction of the latrine. INT. BARRACK 4 - (SHOOTING UP THROUGH TRAP) Stosh is peering after them, his head hanging down through the trap from above. Beyond him in the barrack, Hoffy, Price and Duke bend over Stosh, waiting for developments. UNDERNEATH BARRACK 4 - (NIGHT) From Stosh's point of view: Manfredi and Johnson have now reached the end of the barrack and are crawling into the compound towards the wash latrine some fifteen feet away. A searchlight sweeps dangerously towards them. INT. BARRACK Stosh pulls up from the trap, his eyes closed, his fingers in his ears. He doesn't want to see or hear the two out there get shot. The others stand petrified. No shots, no screams. So Stosh bends down into the trap again. EXT. BARRACK 4 - (NIGHT) Manfredi and Johnson just manage to fling themselves back under the barrack as the searchlight sweeps past. Then, they get on their feet again and dash to the wash latrine -- just ahead of another searchlight from the other direction. INT. WASH LATRINE - (NIGHT) A primitive, roofless structure, with wooden partitions shielding it from the outside. Above, a water tank with pipes running down to spigots over a trough. Under the trough, a wooden lattice to stand on. Manfredi and Johnson have reached first base. They stand breathless. Then Manfredi picks up the lattice, leans it against the trough, and lifts a dirt-covered trap leading into the tunnel. Johnson has tied the barrack bag to his own ankle. They HEAR BARKING. Freeze. THE HUNDEFUEHRER Leading the mastiffs past the wash latrine. One of the mastiffs is BARKING. He seems to smell something, but the other dogs pull him along. INT. WASH LATRINE - (NIGHT) Manfredi and Johnson wait until the BARKING fades in the distance. Johnson, the barrack bag tied to his ankle, jumps down into the narrow vertical shaft. Manfredi follows. He pulls the trap shut over his head in such a way that the lattice falls into place on top of it. THE TUNNEL A shaft about three feet square and five feet deep leads into a narrow, crudely shored-up tunnel. Johnson and Manfredi light their Zippo lighters and start worming their way through the tunnel, Johnson leading the way, the barrack bag dragging from his ankle. INT. BARRACK Harry and Stosh moving the stove back into place. Hoffy fixing up the trick bucket. Price pacing up and down. Sefton leaning against a bunk, smoking the cigar. HOFFY They ought to be under the barbed wire soon. BLONDIE (still covering the window) Looks good outside. STOSH I hope they hit the Danube before dawn. PRICE They got a good chance. This is the longest night of the year. TRIZ I bet you they make it to Friedrichshafen all right. STOSH I bet they get all the way to Switzerland! SEFTON And I bet they don't even get out of the forest. They all look at him. DUKE Now what kind of a crack is that? SEFTON No crack. Two packs of cigarettes say they don't get out of the forest. HOFFY That's enough, Sefton. Crawl back into your sack. HARRY He'd make book on his own mother getting hit by a truck! Sefton takes two packs of cigarettes from his pocket and throws them on the table. SEFTON Anybody call? HOFFY Go on, Sefton -- butt out! DUKE Wait a minute, Hoffy -- I want to back those kids. I'll cover ten of that. He starts shaking cigarettes out of his pack onto the table. TRIZ I'll take five. PRICE Eight. HOFFY Put me down for ten, you louse. DUKE (throwing two packs on the table) I'll call the whole pot. SEFTON Whatever you say. (calling off) Hey, Cookie -- get me some more cigarettes. COOKIE, a chipmunk of a kid, scrambles down from his bunk -- the one above Sefton's. Drags out a footlocker from under Sefton's bunk. The footlocker is chained to the bunk-post. Cookie opens it, starts taking cigarettes out. About twelve guys are around Sefton by now, making their bets. HARRY Here's two and a half. SEFTON No butts. Cookie comes over with a carton. COOKIE (With a stammer) W-w-will that do or do you want some m-m-m --? SEFTON That'll do. He rips open the carton. SEFTON Speak up, boys. Any more sports in the crowd? INSIDE TUNNEL Johnson and Manfredi crawling on, by the light of their Zippos. Johnson dragging the bag behind him. They are dripping with perspiration. From above comes a little shower of loose earth. Johnson stops as he comes to the end of the tunnel. There is another shaft leading up. He picks up a rusty can and starts digging at the earth above. 20. THE OPEN GROUND ABOVE - (NIGHT) In the pine forest some thirty feet outside the barbed wire. From the goon towers, the lights sweep over the camp and over the edge of the forest. The tin can thrusts through the ground as Johnson digs into the open. Then, when the opening is wide enough, he climbs out, his face covered with sweat and dirt. He helps Manfredi out. They lie on the ground for a moment, exhausted. Then Johnson starts untieing the bag from his ankle. MANFREDI Let's go. He rises. There is a SHARP BURST of MACHINE GUN FIRE. Manfredi falls instantly. Johnson, not knowing where the gunfire is coming from, tries to turn and run, the bag dragging behind him. From a hillock about thirty feet off a MACHINE GUN, manned by three German guards, is blasting away. A light from one of the goon towers picks up Johnson, running. The machine gun gets him, ripping his chest. He spins and crumples to the ground. The light swings to Manfredi. Bleeding, he tries to crawl back to the safety of the tunnel. There is another BURST of FIRE -- INSIDE BARRACK The men have all run to the window and look out. All except Sefton and Cookie. They stand at the table where the cigarettes are. And in back of them: Joey, sitting in his bunk, comprehending nothing. There is another BURST of FIRE. Then all is silent. The men turn back into the room, sickened. BLONDIE Filthy Krauts! DUKE What slipped up, Hoffy? HOFFY Don't ask me. Price was elected Security. DUKE (To Price) Okay, Security -- what happened? PRICE I wish I knew. We had everything figured out. To the last detail. STOSH Maybe the Krauts knew about that tunnel all the time! HARRY Shut up, Animal! STOSH Maybe they were layin' for 'em out there! SEFTON (casually) Yeah. Maybe. He gives Cookie a sign. Cookie pulls the front of his shirt out of his pants and holds it out against the edge of the table. Sefton sweeps the mass of cigarettes into Cookie's shirt. DUKE Hold it, Sefton. So we heard some shots -- so who says they didn't get away? SEFTON Anybody here wanna double their bet? No answer. He nods to Cookie again. Cookie carries the cigarettes to their bunks. Sefton follows him, kicks open the footlocker. Cookie dumps the loot in. The men are looking at them. Stosh sees a cigarette on the floor which Cookie has dropped. He picks it up and tosses it into Sefton's footlocker viciously. FADE OUT: END OF SEQUENCE "A" SEQUENCE "B" FADE IN: THE CAMP - DAWN Another miserable day has begun. The barracks loom in the murky light. From the Administration Building -- the one with the swastika -- come a dozen German guards, Lugers hanging from their belts. They spread out and cross the muddy compound toward the barracks, BLOWING WHISTLES shrilly. They lift the wooden bars off the doors and go inside. FELDWEBEL SCHULZ has arrived at Barrack 4. He is an enormous man, about fifty-five. His cauliflower ears make a good vegetable for his pig-knuckle face. He removes the bar, opens the door, stands there WHISTLING like a madman, enters. COOKIE'S VOICE Funny thing about those Krauts. They hated the sight of us yet they couldn't wait to look at us again. Every morning -- at six on the dot -- they'd have the Appell -- that's roll call to you. Each barrack had its own alarm clock. Our alarm clock was Johann Sebastian Schulz. I understand the Krauts had a composer way back with the Johann Sebastian in it -- but I can tell you one thing: Schulz was no composer. He was a Schweinehund. Oh, Mother -- was he ever a lousy Schweinehund! INT. BARRACK Schulz is marching down the barrack, beating the bunks with his stick. SCHULTZ Aufstehen, gentlemen! Appell! Raus! Hurry up! Men start sliding out of their bunks. Others roll over in their sacks, groaning. SCHULTZ You must get up for roll call! Raus, raus, gentlemen! Everybody aufstehen! Raus! MEN We heard you, Schulz! And good morning to you! Aw, break it off! Why don't you take that whistle and shove it! Tell the Kommandant I've got dysentery! Shut up, Schulz -- you're talking to sergeants of the United States Air Force! Look at this chilblain. Ain't it a beaut! SCHULTZ Raus! Raus! Aufstehen! Whacking the bunks, Schulz has reached our end of barrack. Hoffy and Price are getting into their clothes. HOFFY Come on, sack rats -- cut the bitchin' and get up! Duke, Triz and Blondie start climbing out, yawning and scratching themselves. PRICE Say, Schulz -- you guys had machine gun practice last night? SCHULTZ (throwing up his hands) Ach, terrible! Such foolish boys. Such nice boys. I'd better not talk about it. It makes me sick to my stomach. DUKE You killed them, huh? Both of them? SCHULTZ Such nice boys! It makes me sick to -- DUKE Don't wear it out! Schulz moves to Joey. Joey is sitting in his bunk, TOOTLING on his ocarina. Schulz raps the sweet potato with his stick. SCHULTZ Outside! You, too! Put away the piccolo! Joey hides the sweet potato, staring at Schulz, frightened. Schulz jerks him off the bunk. SCHULTZ Los, los. Dummkopf! HOFFY (pushing in) Lay off, Schulz. He's got a sickness. He's krank. SCHULTZ Sometimes I think he is fooling us with that crazy business. HOFFY Yeah? How would you like to see the guts of nine pals splattered all over your plane? (to Joey) C'mon Joey -- don't be afraid. He helps him up and starts putting clothes on him. Schultz has approached bunk with Harry and Stosh. He pokes Harry with the stick. SCHULTZ Aufstehen, gentlemen! Please! You do not want to stay in bed on such a beautiful morning we are having today! HARRY Say, Schulz -- SCHULTZ Jawohl? HARRY Sprechen Sie deutsch? SCHULTZ Jawohl. HARRY Then droppen Sie dead! SCHULTZ (splitting his sides) Ja -- ja! Droppen Sie dead! Always mit the jokes! Droppen Sie dead! He pokes Stosh with the stick. SCHULTZ Aufstehen! Appell! He moves on. Harry bends over Stosh, shaking him. HARRY Get up, Animal. Come on! Stosh doesn't budge. Harry again gives him a knuckle-cracking salvo. Stosh opens his eyes automatically. HARRY (sweetly) Good morning, Animal! What'll it be for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with little sausages? Bacon and eggs sunny- side up? Griddle cakes? A waffle? STOSH Stop it, Harry! HARRY Coffee? Milk? Or how about a little cocoa? STOSH (grabbing him by the collar) Why do you do this to me every morning? HARRY (with sadistic speed) Hamburger and onions! Strawberry shortcake! Gefillte fish! Banana split! French fried potatoes! Chicken a la king! The last items are coming out with a gurgling SOUND as Stosh tightens the grip on Harry's neck. STOSH I'll kill you, Harry -- so help me! HARRY Let go, Animal! It's roll call! Hitler wants to see you! Sefton is standing near his bunk, getting dressed. Cookie is helping him to zip up his luxurious flyer's boots. SCHULTZ Good morning, Sefton. SEFTON Good morning, Schulz. And how's Mrs. Schulz? And all the little Schulzes? SCHULTZ Fine -- fine! He looks at the two bunks which were occupied by Manfredi and Johnson. Takes off his gloves. SCHULTZ Let us see. We have now two empty bunks here. (takes out pencil and notebook, writes) Nummer einundsiebzig und Nummer dreiundsiebzig in Baracke vier. PRICE Suppose you let those mattresses cool off a little -- just out of decency? SCHULTZ Ja, ja, gewiss! It is only that we are cramped for space with new prisoners every day. (to the whole barrack) Gentlemen! Outside! Please! Do you want me to have trouble with the Kommandant again! He starts herding them out the door. STOSH Hey, Schulz -- as long as you're going to move somebody in -- how about a couple of those Russian broads? SCHULTZ Russian women prisoners? HARRY Jawohl! SCHULTZ Some are not bad at all. STOSH Just get us a couple with big Glockenspiels. SCHULTZ Ja! Ja! Droppen Sie dead! Splitting his sides, he pushes them out, and follows. EXT. COMPOUND - COLD GREY MORNING Most of the P.O.W.s are out of their barracks by now. A mass of freezing, disheveled men. Some wear Army coats over their underwear, knitted caps pulled down over their ears. Some are huddled in blankets, their feet in wooden clogs. Only a few are fully dressed and shaven. A few are on crutches or bandaged up. They assemble before their respective barracks, forming a U facing the center of the compound. The barrack chiefs are assisting the guards in lining them up, fifteen abreast and five deep. Supervised by Schulz and Hoffy the last ones from Barrack 4 emerge. HOFFY All right, men -- fall in! From off comes: GERMAN OFFICER'S VOICE Ach-tung! Abzaehlen! The HUB-BUB dies down. The guards march down the front line of their barrack groups, counting the lines of five in German. As Schulz passes him, Blondie spots something in the middle of the compound. He nudges Duke. Duke nudges Price, Price Harry, Harry Stosh, Stosh Cookie. Cookie nudges Sefton who is putting on his wool gloves. The glove drops. They all look off in the same direction. In the center of the compound, right smack in the mud, lie the corpses of Johnson and Manfredi, covered with a blanket. You know it's them because Johnson's foot is sticking out, with the barrack bag still tied to it. A stir goes through the men of Barrack 4. They are hit hard. All but Sefton. He looks at the corpses for a moment, then bends down, picks up the glove and starts putting it on. In front of the Administration Building a German Lieutenant has been supervising a couple of guards as they lay narrow planks over the mud in a line leading to the middle of the compound. He turns now to the P.O.W.s. GERMAN LIEUTENANT Parade Atten-tion! The German guards come to rigid attention. The Americans just stand there, sullenly. The Lieutenant comes to a heil salute. Through the open door of the Administration Building steps the Kommandant, OBERST VON SCHERBACH, followed by another Lieutenant. Von Scherbach is a big erect officer of the Potsdam School. Over his shoulder hangs a furlined officer's coat. His boots shine like polished glass. He glances over the compound, then walks down the planks, followed by the two Lieutenants, marching through the mud on both sides of him. Von Scherbach stops at the end of the plank. In front of him lies a deep puddle. He clicks his heels and raises his hand in a heil salute. VON SCHERBACH Guten Morgen, Sergeants! A glowering silence from the men. Von Scherbach lowers his hand. VON SCHERBACH Nasty weather we're having, eh? And I so much hoped that we could give you a white Christmas -- just like the ones you used to know... Aren't those the words that clever little man wrote -- you know the one who stole his name from our capital -- that something-or-other Berlin? He waits until his nasty little joke sinks in. Schulz has come up to the Lieutenant, salutes and hands him the slips of paper with the prisoner count. VON SCHERBACH Look at that mud. Come spring -- and I do hope you'll still be with us next spring -- we shall plant some grass here -- and perhaps some daffodils -- He turns to the Lieutenant for the tabulations. VON SCHERBACH Ich bitte! LIEUTENANT (checking the papers) Melde gehorchsamst: 628 Gefangene. Zwei Mann fehlen in Baracke vier. VON SCHERBACH (to the P.O.W.s) I understand we are minus two men this morning. I am surprised at you, gentlemen. Here I am trying to be your friend and you do these embarrassing things to me. Don't you know this could get me into hot water with the High Command? They do not like men escaping from Stalag 17 - especially, not enemy airmen from Compound D. We plucked you out of the skies and now we must see to it you do not fly away. Because you would come back and blast our cities again. The High Command would be very angry with me. They would strip me of my rank. They would courtmartial me, after all these years of a perfect record! Now you wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you? Fortunately, those two men -- From the ranks of the men comes the EERIE DISSONANT SOUNDS of Joey's SWEET POTATO. Joey, in the second row of the Barrack 4 company, is playing on his ocarina, oblivious to what is going on. Stosh turns and quickly grabs the ocarina from Joey's mouth. Von Scherbach chooses to disregard the little musical interlude. VON SCHERBACH As I was saying: fortunately those two men did not get very far. They had the good sense to rejoin us again, so my record would stand unblemished. Nobody has ever escaped from Stalag 17. Not alive, anyway. He snaps his fingers in the direction of the guard who stands watch over the corpses. The guard pulls back the blanket in such a manner that all we can see is the barrack bag tied to Johnson's leg. The P.O.W.s however see the corpses. There is an ANGRY BUZZ. Hoffy marches up to Von Scherbach. HOFFY (saluting) Sergeant Hoffman from Barrack 4. VON SCHERBACH Yes, Sergeant Hoffman? HOFFY As the duly elected Compound Chief, I protest the way these bodies are left lying in the mud. VON SCHERBACH Anything else? HOFFY Yes. According to the Geneva Convention, dead prisoners are to be given a decent burial. VON SCHERBACH Of course. I'm aware of the Geneva Convention. They will be given the burial they deserve. Or perhaps you would suggest we haul in twenty-one cannons from the Eastern Front and give them a twenty-one gun salute? Hoffy turns on his heel and walks back to his men. Von Scherbach, without even looking at the corpses, snaps his fingers. The guard throws the blanket back over the bodies. VON SCHERBACH For the last time, gentlemen, let me remind you: any prisoners found outside the barracks after lights out will be shot on sight. Furthermore, the iron stove in Barrack 4, the one camouflaging the trap door, will be removed. And so that the men from this barrack will not suffer from the cold, they will keep warm by filling in the escape tunnel. Is that clear? The men just stand there, in frustrated anger. Stosh clenches the ocarina in his first. VON SCHERBACH All right, then, gentlemen. We are all friends again. And with Christmas coming on, I have a special treat for you. I'll have you all deloused for the holidays. And I'll have a little tree for every barrack. You will like that. Stosh, with a quick underhand flip, throws the sweet potato in the direction of Von Scherbach. It lands smack in the middle of the puddle in front of Von Scherbach and splashes his boots with mud. VON SCHERBACH (stiffening) Who did this? Absolute silence. VON SCHERBACH I will give the funny man exactly five seconds to step forward. He looks about the compound. Five seconds pass. Nobody moves. VON SCHERBACH Then you shall all stand here if it takes all day and all night. From the ranks of the men of Barrack 4, Stosh steps forward. VON SCHERBACH That is better! But his triumph is short-lived, for almost instantly Harry steps forward alongside Stosh. Then Duke and Blondie and Cookie. Spontaneously, men from all the other barracks follow until all the P.O.W.s have moved forward one step. VON SCHERBACH I see! Six hundred funny men! ...There will be no Christmas trees! But there will be delousing. (to Schulz) With ice water from the hoses! He wheels about and marches back up the plank and into the Administration Building. His Lieutenants after him. Two of the guards start picking up the planks again. SCHULTZ (shouting, to the P.O.W.s) Dismissed! The men break ranks, going off in all directions, some back to the barracks, some toward the latrines. Only Joey stands where he stood, his eyes fastened on the puddle. Slowly he walks toward it. He bends down and fishes out his sweet potato, dripping with mud. It is broken. He wipes the pieces off on his coat and hides them inside his jacket. INT. WASH LATRINE Packed with men from Barrack 4, about two dozen of them. Others waiting outside for their turn. At the trough washing: Hoffy, Price, Duke, Stosh, Harry, Cookie and Sefton. No soap. A couple of worn-out towels. Except for Sefton: He's got soap, towel and tooth brush. STOSH (imitating von Scherbach) 'We will remove the iron stove -- the one that was camouflaging the trap door.' HARRY I'm telling you, Animal, these Nazis ain't Kosher. STOSH You can say that again! HARRY I'm telling you, Animal -- these Nazis ain't Ko -- STOSH (grabbing him) I said say it again. I didn't say repeat it. Triz reaches for Sefton's soap, but gets a sharp rap on the knuckles. SEFTON Private property, bub. DUKE How come the Krauts knew about that stove, Security? And the tunnel? How come you can't lay down a belch around here without them knowing it? PRICE Look -- if you don't like the way I'm handling this job -- HOFFY Kill it, Duke. It's got us all spinning. DUKE I just want to know what makes those Krauts so smart. STOSH Maybe they're doin' it with radar. Maybe they got a mike hidden some place. HARRY Yeah. Right up Joey's ocarina. DUKE Or maybe it's not that they're so smart. Maybe it's that we're so stupid. Maybe there's somebody in our barracks that's tipping 'em off! One of us! HOFFY Come again? DUKE You betcha. I said one of us is a stoolie. A dirty, stinkin' stoolie! SEFTON Is that Einstein's theory? Or did you figure it out yourself? A P.O.W. sticks his head into the doorway. P.O.W. (breathless) New dames in the Russian compound! Stosh lets go with a SCREAM. He takes off like shot from a cannon, Harry after him. Instantly the wash latrine is emptied of the men, wet as they are. Nobody is left but Price, Hoffy, Duke, Sefton and Cookie. EXT. COMPOUND It's a stampede. P.O.W.s are rushing across the compound toward the Russian compound. Stosh, charging like a bull, gets tripped and falls flat on his puss right into a mud puddle. Harry zooms past him. Stosh picks himself up and runs after him, his winter underwear dripping with mud. THE BARBED WIRE FENCE dividing the American and Russian compounds. P.O.W.s rush in from all sides, about a hundred of them. They go as far as they are permitted; to a low warning wire, running parallel to the big fence some fifteen feet away. To cross the warning wire is verboten. The German guards up in the goon towers insure that. There is great excitement among the P.O.W.s. Some give out with cat-calls and wolf-whistles; others just stand there staring. Beyond the fence a new batch of Russian prisoners has just been brought in. German guards are counting some sixty prisoners, about twenty of them women. They all are in uniforms and wear boots, a bedraggled lot. The women are big buxom dames, not exactly Golden Circle material, but this is war. The Americans jump up and down trying to attract the women's attention. They throw cigarettes, chewing gum, chocolate. One guy is dancing the Kazatski, two of his pals holding him up. P.O.W.S Yee-ow! Tovarich! Tovarich! Oh you sweethearts! Let's open the third front! Hey, Minks -- Pinsk! How about some borscht -- the two of us! Stosh and Harry push right up to trip wire. Stosh, plastered with mud, goes completely berserk. STOSH Hey -- Russki -- Russki! Look at those bublichkis! Over here! HARRY Comrade! Comrade! Otchi Tchorniya -- Otchi Tchorniya! Stosh puts two fingers in his mouth and tries to whistle. He gets his mouth full of mud. Spits out the mud. Searches madly through his pockets and throws whatever he can find across the fence. STOSH Chewing gum -- chewing gum! Some of the Russian women break the ranks to pick up the goodies that come flying over. The German guards push them back. The women smile at the Americans and wave. STOSH (at the top of his lungs) Look at me! I'm your baby! (to Harry) Get a load of that blonde one! Built like a brick Kremlin! HARRY Hey -- Comrade! Over here! This is Harry Shapiro -- the Volga Boatman of Barrack four! STOSH Lay off! The blonde is mine! The women are being led away by the guards. STOSH (screaming) Hey, Olga -- Volga -- wait for me! He takes off blindly toward the women, trips immediately over the warning wire and falls flat on his face in the mud again. Up in the goon tower the guard swivels the machine gun and yells down. GUARD Zurueck oder wir schiessen! Zurueck! Harry frantically grabs Stosh by the feet and pulls him back, under the wire. STOSH Let me go! Let me go! HARRY They'll shoot you, Animal! He lies right on top of him, holding him by the wrists. STOSH I don't care! Let me go! From OFF come the SOUNDS of a dishpan being beaten and shouts of "Chow!" Some of the P.O.W.s start to go back to the barracks. HARRY It's chow, Animal! Chow! STOSH Who wants to eat? I just wanna get over there! HARRY No you don't! You don't want any broads with boots on! STOSH I don't care if they wear galoshes! HARRY You want Betty Grable! STOSH Let me go! HARRY (yelling) Betty Grable! Stosh's face lights up. HARRY Animal! When the war's over, remember I told you I'd fix you up with Betty Grable! STOSH Yeah? How you going to fix me up with Betty Grable? HARRY How? We go to California. I got a cousin that's working for the Los Angeles Gas Company. That's how we get the address, see? Isn't that clever? I take you up to her house and ring the doorbell and say, 'Congratulations, Miss Grable. We have voted you the girl we'd most like to be behind barbed wire with, and I'm here to present the award'. STOSH What's the award? HARRY What d'ya think, jerko! You're the award! STOSH Me? What if she don't want me? HARRY If she don't want you, she don't get anything. STOSH (grabbing him) You're teasing me again! HARRY (gagging) Let go, Animal! It's chow! We'll miss chow! Stosh relaxes his hold and drops him like a limp rag. They scramble to their feet and run off towards Barrack 4. INT. BARRACK Chow time. Most of the men sit around eating. Only a few are still in line. They stand before a washtub, from which Triz ladles out a thin brew. Then each man gets a pitiful slice of sawdust bread, cut by Blondie at the table. 1ST G.I. (in chow line) What's this stuff anyhow? Manicure water? 2ND G.I. This is what I like -- a hearty meal. 3RD G.I. They finally found the formula: an Ersatz of an Ersatz. Hoffy, back in the line with Joey, carrying both chow cans. HOFFY What's holding up the parade? 4TH G.I. Are you supposed to drink this stuff or shave? DUKE (next in line) Drink. (tastes the stuff) Shave. Hoffy gets the two cans filled, gives one to Joey. This is the end of the line. TRIZ Anyone else want potato soup? No answer. He takes out a homemade washboard and a pair of socks, puts them in the tea and starts scrubbing. Through the door, Stosh and Harry come running. STOSH (out of breath) Chow! Where's the chow! He dashes to his bunk, gets his chow can and is about to dip it into the tub, when he sees what Triz is doing. STOSH Take your socks outa my breakfast! Triz takes the socks out. Stosh dips in his chow can. HARRY No, Animal. STOSH No? HARRY No. Your eyeball goes. The top of your head. Gotta wind up with athlete's stomach. Stosh pours back his tea, a miserable man. His eyes fall on the door. An electric shock goes through him. He grabs Harry's arm. They look off: Sefton has come into the barrack and is crossing toward the iron stove. In his hand is the incredible -- more beautiful than all the Kohinoors in the world: an egg. Harry and Stosh stand there with their eyes bulging. They start forward, drawn by the egg. Cookie is at the stove, tending a can of boiling water. He sees Sefton and puts a makeshift skillet (the banged-up top of a tin can) with a dab of margarine in it, on the fire. Sefton takes some keys out of his pocket, tosses them to Cookie. SEFTON Set 'er up, Cookie. I'm starved. Cookie goes towards Sefton's bunk. Sefton cracks the egg into the skillet. Stosh and Harry move in, their eyes bulging at sight of the sizzling beauty. HARRY Easy, Animal! Easy! STOSH Where'd that come from? SEFTON From a chicken, bug-wit. STOSH A chicken? HARRY Don't you remember, Animal? A chicken lays those things. STOSH It's beautiful! (to Sefton) You goin' to eat it all yourself? SEFTON Uh-huh. The yellow and the white. He flips the egg over in the skillet. Harry and Stosh cover their eyes and yelp in panic. To their relief they see that the egg has landed safely. The aroma of the frying egg has brought about six P.O.W.s down from their bunks. They crowd around, their mouths watering. STOSH Is it all right if we smell it? SEFTON Just don't drool on it. HARRY You're not going to eat the eggshells? SEFTON Help yourself. He tosses him the eggshells. Harry gives one half to Stosh. STOSH (grateful) Thanks. You're a real pal! (on second thought) What're we goin' to do with it? HARRY Plant it, Animal, and grow us a chicken for Christmas. Cookie, at Sefton's bunk, has taken from one of the footlockers three cans, a china cup with a broken handle, a fork, a spoon, and a salt-and-pepper shaker. He slams the locker shut with his foot and sets everything up on the other footlocker. Hoffy, Duke and Price, seated at the table eating chow, eye him with disgust. From the stove comes Sefton carrying the skillet and the can of boiling water. The other P.O.W.s, including Harry and Stosh, follow him, hypnotized by the egg. Sefton walks to his bunk, sits down on a little stool, puts salt and pepper on the egg. Cookie meanwhile has opened the cans. From one of them he measures out a spoonful of instant coffee into the cup and pours the boiling water over it. Sefton takes two lumps of sugar out of the other can and some Zwieback from the third can. The guys around him sniff the royal breakfast. The situation is tense. HOFFY If I were you, Sefton, I'd eat that egg some place else. Like for instance under the barrack. SEFTON (sipping the coffee, to Cookie) A little weak today. Cookie puts another half a spoonful of instant coffee into the cup. DUKE Come on, Trader Horn! Let's hear it: what'd you give the Krauts for that egg? SEFTON (eating away) Forty-five cigarettes. The price has gone up. STOSH That wouldn't be the cigarettes you took us for last night? SEFTON What was I going to do with them? I only smoke cigars. DUKE Nice guy! The Krauts shoot Manfredi and Johnson last night and today he's out trading with them. SEFTON Look, this may be my last hot breakfast on account of they're going to take away that stove. So will you let me eat it in peace? STOSH Ain't that too bad! Tomorrow he'll have to suck a raw egg! HARRY He don't have to worry. He'll trade the Krauts for a six-burner gas range. Maybe a deep freeze too. SEFTON What's your beef, boys? So I'm trading. Everybody here is trading. Only maybe I trade a little sharper. So that makes me a collaborator. DUKE A lot sharper, Sefton! I'd like to have some of that loot you got in those footlockers! SEFTON You would, would you? Listen, Stupe -- the first week I was in this joint somebody stole my Red Cross package, my blanket and my left shoe. Well, I wised up since. This ain't no Salvation Army -- this is everybody for himself. Dog eat dog. DUKE You stink, Sefton! He goes after him. HOFFY Come off it! Both of you! A couple of P.O.W.s hold Duke back. SEFTON Now you've done it. You've given me nervous indigestion. (he gets up) Anything else bothering you, boys? PRICE Just one little thing. How come you were so sure Manfredi and Johnson wouldn't get out of the forest? SEFTON I wasn't so sure. I just liked the odds. He picks up the skillet with the half-eaten egg. SEFTON And what's that crack supposed to mean? PRICE They're lying dead in the mud out there and I'm trying to find out how come. SEFTON I'll tell you how come. (pointing at Hoffy) The Barrack Chief gave them the green light. And you, our Security Officer, said it'd be safe. That's how come. He crosses to Joey who has been sitting on the edge of the bunk looking on blankly and puts the skillet with the egg on his lap. Turns back to the others. SEFTON What're you guys trying to prove anyway? Cutting trap doors! Digging tunnels! You know what the chances are to get out of here? And let's say you do get all the way to Switzerland! Or say to the States? So what? They ship you to the Pacific and slap you in another plane. And you get shot down again and you wind up in a Japanese prison camp. That's if you're lucky! Well, I'm no escape artist! You can be the heroes, the boys with the fruit salad on your chest. Me -- I'm staying put. And I'm going to make myself as comfortable as I can. And if it takes a little trading with the enemy to get me some food or a better mattress or a woman -- that's okay by Sefton! He strikes a match on the sleeve of Duke's leather jacket and lights himself a cigar. DUKE Why you crud! This war's going to be over some day -- then what do you think we'll do to Kraut-kissers like you? He lunges forward and there is a fracas, the others trying to hold them back. From off comes: MARKO'S VOICE At ease! At ease! MARKO, the Inter-barrack Communications officer, has entered from the compound, followed by a one-legged P.O.W., THE CRUTCH. Marko gets up on a stool a piece of paper in his hand. MARKO (yelling) AT EASE! HOFFY Break it off, boys! At ease for the news! The ruckus subsides. MARKO Today's Camp News! (reading) Father Murray announces that due to local regulations the Christmas midnight Mass will be held at seven in the morning! STOSH You can tell Father Murray to -- MARKO At ease! He also says, quote: All you sack rats better show up for the services and no bull from anybody. Unquote. At ease! Monday afternoon a sailboat race will be held at the cesspool. See Oscar Rudolph of Barrack 7 if you want to enter a yacht. Next: Jack Cushingham and Larry Blake will play Frank deNotta and Mike Cohen for the pinochle championship of the camp. HARRY That's a fix. MARKO At ease! Tuesday afternoon at two o'clock all men from Texas will meet behind the north latrine. Boos and cheers. MARKO At ease! Next: A warning from Kommandant von Scherbach. Anybody found throwing rocks at low-flying German aircraft will be thrown in the boob. At ease! At ease! (then in a lower voice) Are the doors covered? He looks around to make sure. MARKO (to The Crutch) Okay, Steve. Give 'em the radio. The Crutch, leaning against the edge of the table, pulls up the empty pant leg. Attached there is a small radio, a makeshift set with tubes showing. Also a pair of earphones. Blondie starts getting it out. MARKO (to Hoffy) You can keep it for two days. HOFFY Two days? We're supposed to have it for a week! MARKO You're lucky to get it at all. The boys are afraid the Jerries'll find it here. This barrack is jinxed. PRICE Don't worry. We'll take care of it. HOFFY (to Stosh and Harry) Take some men and get the antenna going. Let's see if we can catch the BBC. In the background, Harry gets a volley ball from under the bunk, Stosh picks up a roll of chicken wire from a corner of the barrack, and the two lead six other P.O.W.s out into the compound. MARKO What about those guys last night? What gives in this barrack anyway? DUKE Just a little sickness. Somebody around here's got the German measles. SEFTON He oughta know. He went to Johns Hopkins. He used to be a bedpan. MARKO What's the gag? SEFTON (imitating him) At ease! At ease! Marko shrugs and turns to Hoffy. MARKO Be sure to put down the news. Looks like the Germans have started a counter-offensive and the other barracks want to know. Marko and The Crutch go off. EXT. BARRACK The men are setting up the chicken wire, attaching one end to the barrack, and the other to a tall post: it becomes a volley ball net, and in turn, an antenna. Stosh is slipping a wire through the window into the barrack. They divide into two teams, Stosh and Harry on opposite sides, and start playing volley ball. In the background, Marko and The Crutch are seen walking away. INT. BARRACK Triz has connected the antenna wire to the radio on the t able. Blondie is sitting there with the earphones on, working the dials, Price sitting next to him with pencil and paper. The others stand around waiting. PRICE Getting anything? BLONDIE Getting too much. I'm tryin' to unscramble. SEFTON If you can't get the BBC, how about getting Guy Lombardo? HOFFY Are we boring you? BLONDIE Hold it... Quiet... He repeats what he hears over the earphones while Price writes it down. BLONDIE ...has driven across Luxemburg... The second German wedge is reported fourteen miles west of Malmedy where tank columns cut the road to Bastogne... the Allied Air Force is grounded by poor visibility... The boys don't like what they hear. EXT. BARRACK The volley ball game is in fine progress, the ball popping back and forth across the antenna. A German guard approaches, puzzled over the sports activity on this lousy winter day. He is a singularly grim fellow. He starts circling them. Harry and Stosh, to appear nonchalant, break into the SCHNITZELBANK SONG. The guard moves dangerously close to the window. Quickly Harry flips the ball over the net at him. The guard slaps it back across the net. Again Harry pops it at him ... and slowly the guard finds himself sucked into the game. HARRY Wunderbar! Isn't he wunderbar! STOSH He's the grrrrreatest! The guard permits himself a smile as he goes on playing. INT. BARRACK The boys around the radio. BLONDIE (Repeating what he hears) ...five Panzer divisions and nine infantry divisions of von Rundstedt's army have poured into the wide breach... meanwhile two of Patton's tank units have been diverted toward Bastogne and are trying to -- It's jammed again. Blondie fiddles with the dials. HOFFY Come on! BLONDIE Static! DUKE Static is right! The radio's static, Patton's static, we're static! SEFTON Maybe it's going to be a longer war than you figured -- eh, Duke? Triz, who has been standing watch at the door, now sees: EXT. COMPOUND Marching toward Barrack 4 are four German soldiers headed by Schulz. INT. BARRACK Triz reaches up and snaps a string. All the wash in the barrack jumps up and down. That's the signal. Immediately the boys jump into action. Triz and Blondie disconnect the wires. Hoffy takes the radio off the table and they all start dispersing. EXT. BARRACK Schulz and the four German soldiers are about to enter the barrack. Schulz pauses as he sees the guard playing volley ball enthusiastically. Schulz taps him on his back. The guard wheels around, freezes, clicks his heels. Schulz gives him a disapproving look. Then he leads the four soldiers into the barrack. Harry, Stosh and the other P.O.W.s follow, worried. Schulz and the soldiers enter the barrack, followed by Harry, Stosh and the other players. The guys have just assumed innocent positions. A little too innocent maybe. SCHULTZ Did I interrupt something, gentlemen? STOSH Yeah. We were just passing out guns. SCHULTZ (laughing) Always joking. Always making wisecrackers! HARRY Wisecrackers? Where did he pick up his English? In a pretzel factory? SCHULTZ You always think I am a square. I have been to America. (he shows them his cauliflower ears) I wrestled in Milwaukee and St. Louis and Cincinnati. And I will go back! The way the war is going I will be there before you! HARRY You should live so long. Schulz has taken a wallet out of his pocket, shows a photograph to them. SCHULTZ This is me in Cincinnati. STOSH Who's the other wrestler? The one with the mustache? SCHULTZ That is my wife. STOSH (taking the photograph) Look at all that meat. Isn't she the bitter end! SCHULTZ (snatching it from him) Give it back. You must not arouse yourselves. HARRY Hey, Schulz! I got a deal for you. Suppose you help us escape. We'll go home and have everything ready for you in Madison Square Garden. For the world championship! Schulz, the Beast of Bavaria versus Halitosis Jones! SCHULTZ Droppen Sie dead! (to the German soldiers) Raus mit dem Ofen. Los! Los! The soldiers move toward the stove. As the scene proceeds they dismantle the stove and ultimately carry it out. SCHULTZ (to the P.O.W.s) All right, gentlemen! We will now all go outside for a little gymnastic and take some shovels and undig the tunnel which you digged. STOSH Why don't we just plug up that tunnel -- with the Kommandant on one end and you on the other. SCHULTZ It is not me. It is the orders. I am your friend. I am your best friend here. DUKE Cut out the guff, Schulz. We're on to you. You know everything that's happening in this barrack. Who's tipping you off? SCHULTZ Tipping me off? I do not understand. HOFFY You're wasting your time, Duke. (to the others) Outside, everybody! Let's get it over with. PRICE Wait a second, Hoffy. Schulz says he's our best friend. Maybe he can give us a little hint. DUKE Come on, Schulz! Spill it! How did you get the information? About Manfredi and Johnson? About the stove and the tunnel? Who's giving it to you? Which one of us is it? SCHULTZ Which one of you is what? PRICE Which one of us is the informer? SCHULTZ You are trying to say that an American would inform on other Americans? DUKE That's the general idea. (looking at Sefton) Only it's not so general as far as I'm concerned. SCHULTZ You are talking crazy! SEFTON (taking the cigar out of his mouth) No use, Schulz. You might as well come clean. Why don't you just tell 'em it's me. Because I'm really the illegitimate son of Hitler. And after the Germans win the war you'll make me the Gauleiter of Zinzinnati. SCHULTZ You Americans! You are the craziest people! That's why I like you! I wish I could invite you all to my house for a nice German Christmas! HARRY (to Stosh) Why don't we accept, Animal? The worst that can happen is we wind up a couple of lamp shades. SCHULTZ (jovially) Raus! Raus! All of you! By this time most of them have put on their warm clothes, caps and gloves and are filing out. Schulz starts to follow them, but stops short as he sees: The electric light bulb hanging by a wire from the ceiling. Just the bulb. No shade. The wire is tied up into a slip knot. Schulz reacts to what he has seen. he watches the last of the P.O.W.s leave, and the Germans carry the stove out of the barrack. He closes the door. His entire attitude has changed. He is serious and efficient. He walks over to the chess set on the table. Out of his pocket he takes a chess piece -- a black queen -- and exchanges it with the black queen from the set. He puts it in his pocket. Steps over to the light bulb, pulls the slip knot free and exits. The light bulb hangs straight now, swaying gently in the empty barrack. EXT. COMPOUND The men from Barrack 4 are lined up between the latrine and the barbed wire, starting to dig up the tunnel. They are supervised by German guards. In the background, Schulz is crossing from the barrack towards the Administration Building. As the men dig, they look off at: COOKIE'S VOICE He was the Beast of Bavaria all right, as we pieced it together later. And there was a stoolie in our barrack, just as Duke said. They had a very simple communications system -- Schulz and the stoolie... An open German half-truck driving toward the big gate, carrying two crude wooden coffins. COOKIE'S VOICE That's how the Krauts knew about the tunnel, from the day we started digging. Those poor suckers Manfredi and Johnson! They got out of Stalag 17 sure enough, only not quite the way they wanted to go. The men have stopped digging. As the CAMERA goes down the row they take off their caps. Joey does not comprehend. Blondie, standing next to him, takes the cap off for him. The CAMERA PULLS PAST Cookie who has taken his cap off, and now STOPS on Sefton. He has seen the coffins. He has seen the others take off their caps. He takes the cigar out of his mouth, snuffs it out, puts it into his pocket, and slowly pulls off his cap. COOKIE'S VOICE As for the stoolie, I just wish he had German measles because when you get the measles you break out all over in red spots, and we could have pegged him easy. As it was it could have been anybody in our outfit -- Duke or Hoffy or Price or Goofy Joey or Harry or the Animal or maybe Sefton. Sergeant J.J. Sefton. I guess it's about time I told you a few more things about that Sefton guy. If I was anything of a writer I'd send it in to the Reader's Digest for one of those 'Most Unforgettable Characters You've Ever Met'... DISSOLVE: END OF SEQUENCE "B" SEQUENCE "C" EXT. COMPOUND - (DAY) A circle about 15 feet in diameter is drawn on the barren ground with white lime. Around it, some forty G.I.s. In the center, Cookie, holding a cardboard box. To one side, standing on a wooden crate, Sefton. In front of him, a makeshift bookie's desk, a heap of loose cigarettes on top. G.I.s are crowding around, making wagers in cigarettes. Hanging off one side of the desk, the odds board: NO. HORSE ODDS 1. Whirlaway 3:1 2. Seabiscuit 5:1 3. Equipoise 1:1 4. Twenty Grand 4:1 5. Schnickelfritz 10:1 COOKIE'S VOICE ...he was a B.T.O., Sefton was. A Big Time Operator. Always hustling, always scrounging. Take for instance the horse races. Every Saturday and Sunday he would put on horse races. He was the sole owner and operator of the Stalag 17 Turf Club. He was the Presiding Steward, the Chief Handicapper, the Starter, the Judge, the Breeder and his own bookie. He was the whole works, except that I was the stable boy for ten smokes a day. SEFTON Step up, boys! The horses are at the post! G.I.S Five on Equipoise! Give me Equipoise -- ten on the nose! Two on Twenty Grand! Schnickelfritz for me. Five smackers! Equipoise -- one solid pack! LAST G.I. (an unkempt bum) Five on Seabiscuit! Pay you when the Red Cross parcels come in. SEFTON No credit. UNKEMPT BUM Have a heart, Sefton! SEFTON Sorry. It's against the rules of the Racing Commission. (calling out) Already? Any more bets? Shake 'em up, Cookie! Cookie shakes the cardboard box, puts it face down on the ground in the center of the circle. SEFTON Let 'er go! They're off and running at Stalag 17! Cookie has lifted the box. There are five mice of various colors with numbers 1 to 5 attached to their backs. The mice start spreading hesitantly in all directions. The P.O.W.s YELL and SCREAM, rooting for their horses to reach the circle line first. Among the P.O.W.s Stosh and Harry. Stosh, with a bundle of mutuel tickets in his hand, screaming his head off. STOSH Equipoise! Oh, you beauty! This way! This way! Equipoise, No. 3, pulls in front and is only a few feet from the edge of the circle. HARRY Equipoise! Equipoise! What did I tell you, Animal? STOSH Come on, baby! Daddy's going to buy you a hunk of cheese! Equipoise, now only a foot from the finish line, suddenly stops and goes into a dizzy spin. The other mice gain rapidly. STOSH AND HARRY Straighten out, you dog! This way! That's no horse -- that's a dervish! Please! This way! Come to Daddy! In a turmoil of SCREAMING G.I.s, Schnickelfritz passes Equipoise, still spinning like a top, and crosses the line. SEFTON The winner is No. 5: Schnickelfritz! Stosh grabs Harry. STOSH Schnickelfritz! I told you Schnickelfritz! Why'd you make me bet on Equipoise! HARRY I clocked him this morning. He was running like a doll. STOSH (choking him) You clocked him! Why don't I clock you? SEFTON (calling out) The next race will be a claiming race for four months old and upward which have not won since November 17th. While Sefton pays off the winners, Cookie puts up a new odds board. New bettors start lining up on the other side. Among them, Harry and Stosh. COOKIE'S VOICE It's a good thing nobody ever asked for a saliva test. Because I wouldn't have put it past Sefton to stiff a horse once in a while -- especially when the betting was heavy. DISSOLVE: INT. BARRACK 4 - (DAY) Near Sefton's bunk, the distillery is set up: a Rube Goldberg contraption of old tin cans and a maze of piping, a margarine lamp burning under the boiler. The whole thing SPUTTERS and HISSES. Behind a makeshift wooden shelf -- the bar -- stands Cookie, pouring drinks for some eight customers, among them Harry and Stosh, crocked. In Stosh's hand is the big Betty Grable cheese-cake photo from his bunk. COOKIE'S VOICE Another one of his enterprises was the distillery. Believe it or not, he ran a bar right in our barrack, selling Schnapps at two cigarettes a shot. The boys called it the Flamethrower, but it wasn't really that bad. We brewed it out of old potato peels and once in a while a couple of strings off the Red Cross parcels, to give it a little flavor. STOSH (in a crying jag) It's not fair, Harry. I'm telling you, it's not fair! She's been married for over a year! My Betty! She had a baby! Didn't you hear it on the radio! HARRY C'mon, Animal! Pull yourself together! (off) Hey, Cookie! Belt us again! He pushes their little condensed milk cans, serving as jiggers, across the bar, counts out four cigarettes. STOSH Look at her! Isn't she beautiful! Married an orchestra leader! HARRY So what? There's other women! STOSH Not for me! Betty! Betty! HARRY Cut it out. Animal! I'll fix you up with a couple of those Russian women! STOSH (sarcastically) You'll fix me up! HARRY Sure, Animal! I'll get you over there! STOSH How? Pinky Miller from Barrack 8 tried to get over there and they shot him in the leg! HARRY It takes a gimmick, Animal, and I figured us a little gimmick. STOSH You did? HARRY (tapping his forehead) Sharp. Sometimes I'm so sharp it's frightening. Cookie slides over the two tin jiggers. Harry picks them up, hands one to Stosh. HARRY (toasting) To the Brick Kremlin! STOSH (his eyes on the cheesecake photo) She'll never forgive me! HARRY Bombs away! They both drink it down in one gulp, Harry holding his nose. It's terrible stuff and hits them hard. Stosh goes into a violent fit of coughing, pulling his barrack cap down over his eyes. HARRY (to Cookie) What are you serving today? Nitric acid? COOKIE I only work here. Talk to the Management. He points to Sefton, who is taking inventory of the cigarettes in his footlocker: cartons, packages, loose ones. He is tabulating the amounts on a piece of paper. HARRY All right, Management. What are you trying to do? Embalm us while we're alive? SEFTON Exactly what did you expect for two cigarettes? Eight year old Bottled- In-Bond? All the house guarantees is that you don't go blind. (to Cookie) Don't ever serve 'em again. STOSH Blind! Harry! Harry! He staggers around, not realizing his cap is pulled down over his eyes. STOSH Harry -- I'm blind! HARRY (pushing up his cap) Blind? How stupid can you get, Animal? I drank the stuff myself. Suddenly he seems not to see too well himself. He gropes around in panic. HARRY Animal! Animal! Where are you, Animal? DISSOLVE: INT. BARRACK 4 - (DAY) A big telescope, about seven feet long, is set up on a tripod at the window pointing toward the Russian Compound. The telescope is made of various-sized cans soldered together. It's run by Cookie, behind a table, piled with cigarettes and chocolate bars. Bent down peering through the telescope, panning it slowly, is a P.O.W. Across the barrack stretches a long line of impatient customers, all the way to the open door and out of it. Cookie taps the peeker to indicate his time is up. The next in line pays his cigarette and peeks COOKIE'S VOICE The killer-diller, of course -- the real bonanza -- was when Sefton put up the Observatory. He scrounged himself some high-powered Kraut lenses and a magnifying mirror and got Ronnie Bigelow from Barrack 2 to put the whole shebang together for a pound of coffee. On a clear day you could have seen the Swiss Alps, only who wanted to see the Swiss Alps? It was about a mile away, that Russian delousing shack, but we were right on top of it. It cost you a cigarette or a half bar of chocolate a peek. You couldn't catch much through that steam, but believe you me, after two years in that camp just the idea what was behind that steam sure spruced up your voltage. RUSSIAN DELOUSING SHACK - (THROUGH THE TELESCOPE) About a dozen Russian women, wrapped only in blankets, waiting in line. The telescope pans across a couple of windows. They are completely steamed-up by the disinfecting vapors. INT. BARRACK The P.O.W. is glued to the telescope. Cookie taps him on the shoulder. COOKIE Let's go! Thirty seconds to a customer. Without moving his eye from the telescope, the P.O.W. fishes another cigarette from his pocket and gives it to Cookie. Sefton stands at the open barrack door, a cold cigar in his mouth. He surveys the landoffice business, both inside and out, for beyond him a line of about forty more P.O.W.s stretches into the compound. P.O.W. (from rear of line) Hey, Sefton -- what's snarling up the traffic? By the time we get to look they'll be old hags! SEFTON Simmer down, boys. There'll be a second show when they put the next batch through. Hoffy, Price and Duke come in from the compound. Hoffy cases the situation and pulls Sefton to the side. HOFFY What's the big idea, Sefton? Take that telescope out of here. SEFTON Says who? HOFFY Says me. SEFTON You take it out. Only you're going to have a riot on your hands. HOFFY Every time the men get Red Cross packages you have to think up an angle to rob them. PRICE When the Krauts find that gadget they'll throw us all in the boob. SEFTON They know about that gadget. I'd worry more about the radio. DUKE I suppose they also know about your distillery and the horseraces? SEFTON That's right. DUKE Just what makes you and them Krauts so buddy-buddy? SEFTON Ask Security. (to Price) You tell him, Price. You've got me shadowed every minute of the day. Or haven't you found out yet? PRICE Not yet. HOFFY Answer the question. How do you rate all those privileges? SEFTON I grease the Kraut guards. With ten percent of the take. DUKE And maybe a little something else? SEFTON A little something what? He strikes a match on Duke's dogtag and lights his cigar. DUKE (lunging at him) Maybe a little information! Hoffy and Price hold back Duke. HOFFY Break it off! DUKE How much more do we have to take from him? HOFFY There'll be no vigilante stuff. Not while I'm Barrack Chief. From the window come excited shouts. G.I. VOICES Hey, look at them! It's Harry and the Animal! Look what they're doing! Everybody in the barrack is dashing toward the window giving out on the Russian Compound. Hoffy, Price, Duke, and Sefton follow after. The window is packed by G.I.s staring out. More crowding in. G.I.S Those crazy jerks! They won't get away with it! The Krauts will shoot them! EXT. COMPOUND - (DAY) This is Harry's little gimmick: He and Stosh are painting a white line down the middle of the road leading towards the Russian Compound. Stosh carries the bucket and Harry, moving backwards, wields the brush. They are very close now to the barbed wire fence dividing the compounds. A bespectacled German guard is standing in front of his sentinel house. They crouch as low as they can as they paint themselves through the gate past the guard and up the road toward the Russian delousing shack. The guard gives them a glance. It looks okay to him. He starts stamping about at the open gate. INT. BARRACK G.I.s at the window, watching in great excitement. G.I.S They're past the fifty yard line! Quarterback sneak! Look at them go! SIX G.I.S (in chorus) We want a touchdown! We want a touchdown! We want a touchdown! HOFFY Those idiots! They'll paint themselves into their graves! EXT. RUSSIAN COMPOUND Harry and Stosh are doing dandy as they paint up the highway. Harry gets his bearings: the delousing shack is some twenty- five feet off the road. He paints a very elegant turn off the highway. THE GATE BETWEEN THE COMPOUNDS The German guard is stamping up and down. Suddenly he does a double take as he sees: EXT. RUSSIAN COMPOUND The white line leading down the middle of the highway veers off idiotically over the terrain towards the shack. THE GERMAN GUARD He stands there perplexed, then takes off after them. EXT. DELOUSING SHACK Harry and Stosh have now painted up to the window of the shack. Without even stopping, they paint right up the wall and around the window. As they paint, they peer in through the thick steam (through which we cannot distinguish anything). Now, they paint down the building on the other side of the window and toward the doorway. Into their pathway come the boots of the German guard. They paint right over the boots. Then they see the butt of the guard's rifle. They look at each other. They are in trouble. They stop painting and straighten up slowly. GERMAN GUARD Was ist denn hier los? Sie sind verhaftet! Harry gives the guard's eye-glasses a couple of quick strokes of paint. Dropping paint and brush, Stosh and he run like mad back toward the gate. The guard stands there struggling with his glasses. The Russian women, huddled in blankets, giggle their heads off. FADE OUT: END OF SEQUENCE "C" SEQUENCE "D" FADE IN: INT. BARRACK 4 - (DAY) About twenty P.O.W.s lazing about. The sack rats in their bunks. Triz and Price playing chess, Joey looking on blankly. Sefton, a towel around his neck, is sitting in a chair being shaved by Cookie. Stosh, in his bunk, is carving a new ocarina for Joey out of wood. CAMERA MOVES SLOWLY to: The electric light bulb, hanging straight and innocent on its wire. COOKIE'S VOICE Now let me see, what came next? Oh, yes. Next came those new prisoners. 'Twas two days before Christmas when all through the camp, not a creature was stirring, not even that lamp. MARKO'S VOICE At ease! At ease! Marko, carrying a handful of letters and a book, has entered, followed by The Crutch. MARKO Mail call! The whole barrack springs to life, everyone moving towards Marko with whistles, screams and hoorays. Joey, who keeps staring at the chess board. Sefton and Cookie go on with the shave. MARKO At ease! At ease! First, the Kommandant is sending every barrack a little Christmas present. A copy of Mein Kampf. In the words of Oberst von Scherbach: 'Now that a German victory is in sight, all American prisoners are to be indoctrinated with the teachings of der Fuehrer. Unquote. In my own words: (he lets go with a belch) Unquote. He tosses the book into the air. Duke catches it. DUKE That's the wrong direction. He flings it at Sefton. It sails past Sefton's head. Cookie ducks. Sefton doesn't even bat an eyelash. SEFTON You must have been some tail gunner! (to Cookie) Go ahead, Cookie. STOSH Come on, let's get that mail. Anything for Stanislaus Kuzawa? MARKO At ease! At ease! As Marko calls out the names he hands out the letters. Some of the men open them immediately. Others go to their bunks to read. MARKO Martin. Shapiro. Price. Trzcinski. McKay. Shapiro. Shapiro. Manfredi. There is an awkward pause, then Marko puts Manfredi's letter in his pocket. MARKO Shapiro. Musgrove. McKay. Peterson. Cook. Cookie comes up for his letter. So do Duke and Blondie. (Their names are Musgrove and Peterson.) MARKO Pirelli. Coleman. Agnew. Shapiro. STOSH (in a little voice) Nothing for Kuzawa? MARKO Shapiro. Shapiro. STOSH (to Harry) Just what makes you so popular? HARRY (fanning the letters) Frightening, isn't it? Fifty million guys floating around back home and all those dames want is Sugar-lips Shapiro. MARKO McKay, Agnew. Here, Stosh. He holds out a letter. STOSH (revitalized) Yeah? MARKO Give this to Joey, will you? STOSH Oh. Marko has now distributed all the letters. MARKO At ease! At ease! Here's a little something from Father Murray. One to each barrack. He has knelt down in front of The Crutch and pulls out from the empty pant's leg a little Christmas tree. MARKO And he says he wants you cruds to cut out all swearing during Yuletide. G.I. How'd he get those trees? MARKO I don't know. Prayed, I guess. They grew out of his mattress. Marko sticks the tree into one of the margarine cans. G.I. What'll we use for decorations? MARKO For that you got to pray yourself. He goes, followed by The Crutch. Stosh sits next to Joey at the table, reading his letter to him. STOSH '...and we do hope that you will finish that last year of law school when you come back home...' (looks up at Joey) Law school?! You don't want to be a stinking lawyer with a stinking brief case in a stinking office, do you, Joey? Joey just sits there. Stosh goes on reading. STOSH '...And do keep writing, son. Your letters are very dear to us. With all our love, Dad.' Here, Joey, take it. Joey doesn't move. STOSH It's from your Dad, Joey. He shoves the letter into Joey's pocket. STOSH The next time we write to your folks, Joey, you know what you're going to say? You're going to say you don't want to be a lawyer any more. You want to be a musician -- like play the flute, maybe -- eh, Joey? There is a fleeting smile on Joey's face. Triz, in his bunk, a crumpled letter in his hand, is mumbling to himself. TRIZ I believe it! I believe it! G.I. You believe what? TRIZ My wife. (Reading) 'Darling, you won't believe it, but I found the most adorable baby on our doorstep and I have decided to keep it for our own. Now, you won't believe it, but it's got exactly my eyes and nose...' Why does she always say I won't believe it? I believe it! Blondie is reading his letter, several G.I.s around him, among them Duke. BLONDIE This is from my mother. (he reads) 'I saw a wonderful article on German prison camps in one of the magazines. They showed pictures of the tennis courts and they also say that in the winter they freeze them over so you boys can ice skate...' DUKE Anything about us grouse hunting in the Vienna woods? BLONDIE (continues to read) '...In a way I'm glad you're not in America right now -- with everything rationed here, like gas and meat.' DUKE Heart-rendering, ain't it? Why don't we send them some food parcels? Harry is busy with all his mail. He has opened six of his letters and is now working on the last. Stosh comes into the SHOT and peeks over his shoulder. STOSH What do those broads say? HARRY What do they always say? STOSH That's what I wanna hear. HARRY (hiding the letters) It's not good for you, Animal. Stosh grabs one of the letters from him. STOSH Hey! This is with a typewriter! It's from a finance company! HARRY So it is from the finance company. So it's better than no letter at all. So they want the third payment on the Plymouth. (showing him five more letters) So they want the fourth, the fifth, the sixth and the seventh. So they want the Plymouth. STOSH Sugar-lips Shapiro! Frightening, ain't it? HARRY (holding up the last letter) This is a good one!