"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 207

"City On The Edge Of Forever"

Written by

Trey Parker, Nancy Pimental



EXT. SOUTH PARK ROAD - DAY

The school bus drives up a snowy mountain road.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

Ms. Crabtree drives the bus as the kids all throw stuff and
yell and scream in the background.

MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET BACK THERE!!! These roads
are slick!

The kids quiet down a little bit.

STAN
Hey, Cartman.

Cartman leans around from his seat.

CARTMAN
What?

STAN
Are you gonna share any of that cake
with the rest of us?

CARTMAN
Hmmm, let me think... No.

KYLE
Come on, fat ass, you shouldn't be
eating all that cake anyway!

CARTMAN
Mmm... It's chocolatey and delightful.

STAN
Give us some, Cartman!

MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET BACK THERE!!!

KYLE
Woa, dude, the road is really snowy
out there.

STAN
Dude, the road is always snowy.

KYLE
I know, but it's REALLY snowy today.

CARTMAN
Mmmm... I can't possibly finish this
WHOLE cake... Yes I can!

STAN
SHUT UP, CARTMAN!

MS. CRABTREE
Okay that does, it!!

Ms. Crabtree stops the bus. She opens a small box, inside
there is a small rabbit and a gun.

Crabtree holds the rabbit by the ears and puts the gun to
it's head.

MS. CRABTREE
YOU ALL BE QUIET OR THE CUTE LITTLE
BUNNY DIES!!!

The kids are all horrified. They quiet down immediately.
Satisfied, Crabtree puts the bunny and the gun back in the
box and drives on.

STAN
Dude, she always tries to quiet us
down by threatening to kill that
bunny... But I wonder if she ever
would.

KYLE
Oh she would, dude. She would.

The bus comes to a stop again. Crabtree looks ahead to see
that the road in front of her is closed. A large sign on a
barricade reads 'ROAD CLOSED DUE TO AVALANCHE'.

MS. CRABTREE
Aaaahh. Oh, for Christ's sake, I
don't believe this!

Now she sees another sign, DETOUR, with an arrow pointing up
a very narrow, very steep, very dangerous road.

Crabtree takes the detour, and the bus makes its way up the
hill, heading for certain doom.

STAN
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake
now.

CARTMAN
I can not possibly eat one more bite
of its chocolatey goodness... Oh
wait, wait, wait, try --

Cartman takes a huge bite.

KYLE
DAMMIT CARTMAN!! YOU ARE SUCH A FAT
FUCK!!!

MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!

Crabtree looks up in the rearview mirror, and doesn't see
the big 180 degree turn in front of her.

MS. CRABTREE
OH OH!

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

The bus slips off the road, and flips over down the side of
the mountain.

INT. BUS -

The kids all yell and scream. Ms. Crabtree screams, as the
bus goes flipping over and over. Cartman tries, with
difficulty, to continue eating his cake.

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

The bus continues to do flips. Finally, it lands, right-side
up in a fast moving river.

INT. BUS -

KIDS
Aaah!!!

KYLE
I'M SCARED!!

MS. CRABTREE
BE QUIET KID!

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

The bus floats helplessly down the river. All the kids have
their heads out the windows, screaming.

The river is moving faster and faster, the bus goes an amazing
distance. Finally, it reaches a waterfall where it plunges.

EVERYBODY
AAAAHGHGhGH!!!!

EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY

A group of properly dressed bird watchers happily hike through
the forest.

BIRD WATCHER
And right up here, you can see a red
bellied chickadee. They're indigenous
to this area.

A couple old people snap some photos.

They give each other quizzical looks when a very strange
sound seems to be coming closer.

Just then, the school bus flips through frame. All the kids
on board screaming as they go. As quickly as it came, it
disappears.

OLD LADY
What was that?

BIRD WATCHER
What was what?

EXT. RIVER

The bus flips into yet another river, where it hurls further
into the unknown.

Finally, after several shots, the bus washes up onto a piece
of dry land, where it teeters dangerously over a huge abyss.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

Cartman shoves the last piece of cake into his mouth.

CARTMAN
All done!

Cartman turns around, and sees that all the other children
are catatonic. They don't blink. Their eyes are huge.

Ms. Crabtree wrenches herself out of her seat and looks over
the heavily damaged bus.

A few kids start crying and getting up.

MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!

But the kids are too panicked, they get louder.

MS. CRABTREE
I SAID QUIET OR ELSE I KILL THE
BUNNY!!

The kids all get quiet.

STAN
Where are we?

MS. CRABTREE
I have no idea.

STAN
I don't think we're in a very safe
spot.

KYLE
Yeah, what are we supposed to do?!

MS. CRABTREE
Just keep your traps shut, I'll
consult the manual.

Crabtree grabs a HUGE manual. It says 'BUSDRIVERS MANUAL'.
She flips through the pages to find 'Stranded'.

ANGLE - BOOK

IT SAYS 'REFER TO VIDEO #35'

Crabtree throws down the book and opens a small cabinet where
a lot of videos are.

CARTMAN
Ms. Crabtree --

MS. CRABTREE
SHUT UP, KID! I have to watch a
training video!!

Crabtree slams the tape into a small VHS and watches a small
monitor.

ANGLE - MONITOR

The cheesy video begins. It is like an airline takeoff video.
** Note - maybe we should really shoot this, live action on
video **

NARRATOR
Hello, and welcome to tape seven of
the busdrivers video guidebook. 'What
to do if you become stranded'.

Now, we see the narrator, a VERY plastic looking man with a
fake smile.

NARRATOR
By now, you've calmed down the
children, and kept order by using
the 'Keep Quiet or I'll kill the
bunny' technique. Now it's time to
get help.

Crabtree watches intently.

NARRATOR
The most important thing to remember
is that the children will be safe as
long as they stay on the bus. So do
NOT, under any circumstances let any
children off the bus. The best way
to achieve this is to tell them
something like, 'a big scary monster
will eat you, if you step off the
bus'.

Crabtree turns to the kids.

MS. CRABTREE
KIDS! DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS! IF
YOU DO, A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT
YOU!

Stan and Kyle look at each other, a little scared.

Ms. Crabtree goes back to her video.

NARRATOR
That's right, with the children
properly subdued, you can leave the
bus and go out looking for assistance.
And remember your busdriver's code:
Sit down and shut up.

Crabtree grabs her coat and throws it on.

MS. CRABTREE
I'm going for help! I'll be back as
soon as I can. Remember, DON'T GET
OFF THE BUS OR A BIG SCARY MONSTER
WILL EAT YOU!!

With that, Crabtree steps off the bus and disappears. Then,
a little kid in a red shirt (think Star Trek) looks out the
window.

KID IN RED SHIRT
Hey, why doesn't the scary monster
eat HER?

KYLE
Cause, dumbass, scary monsters don't
eat big fat smelly bitches.

In the very far distance, we hear Crabtree's voice.

MS. CRABTREE (O.S.)
WHAT DID YOU SAYyyyy?!?!

Kyle sticks his head out the window.

KYLE
I SAID LARRY KING WON'T GRANT ME
THREE WISHES.

MS. CRABTREE (O.S.)
Oh.

STAN
Man, this is not good. She could
have at least left the heat on.

EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY

Ms. Crabtree climbs down some large rocks towards what she
hopes to be a road.

MS. CRABTREE
Had to happen to me, didn't it?

Finally, she gets to a road.

EXT./INT. TRUCK - NIGHT

A big, burly lecherous TRUCKER drives along the deserted
road, singing.

TRUCKER
(singing)
Looking for love in all the wrong
places. Looking for love in too many --

Suddenly, he notices Ms. Crabtree hitchhiking.

TRUCKER
Oooh, it's supper time. Come to papa.

He checks himself in the mirror, slicks back his hair and
pulls his rig over to Ms. Crabtree.

TRUCKER
Hello, little lady. Going my way?

MS. CRABTREE
Shut up and help me in to this thing.

The trucker is taken back by her abrasiveness.

TRUCKER
Oh, uh --

MS. CRABTREE
Come on. I haven't got all day.

TRUCKER
Uh, alright, sure. Of course.

He helps her into the cab.

The trucker looks down at Crabtree voluptuous thighs.

MS. CRABTREE
Take me to the nearest town and make
it snappy, you freak-ass crackpot.

The big, burly trucker now cowers under Ms. Crabtree's
assaults.

TRUCKER
Uh, yes ma'am. Right away, ma'am. So
uh... What's a fragile little doe
like yourself doing out on a night
like this?

MS. CRABTREE
Look mister, I've got a busload of
kids trapped up on that pass. I need
a crane, helicopters all that crap.
Here, let me have some of your
aspirin.

TRUCKER
Ma'am those are actually rufies.

MS. CRABTREE
Rufies, aspirin, right now I don't
give a rats ass.

Crabtree scarfs the rufies down.

MS. CRABTREE
How far to the nearest town?

TRUCKER
A ways...

EXT. ROAD - DAY

The truck drives on into the horizon.

EXT. BUS - DAY

The bus is still teetering dangerously on the side of the
cliff.

INT. BUS -

CARTMAN
You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't
come back, and we're all trapped
here forever?

KYLE
We couldn't get trapped here forEVER,
Cartman, we'd die after a couple of
days.

All the kids start crying.

STAN
Dude!

KYLE
What?

CARTMAN
I don't wanna die on this bus with
you assholes! You guys suck!

STAN
Will you just relax? We've been in a
lot worse situations than this and
come out of it just fine.

KYLE
Worse than this?

STAN
Well, sure, don't you remember that
time that the aliens kidnapped your
little brother Ike? Now THAT was
scary...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - NIGHT

(From episode 101)

KYLE
How come the visitors aren't coming
for him?

STAN
I think we need to signal them
somehow.

Cartman farts a fireball.

CARTMAN
Owwwww!

WENDY
Hey, he's like Rudolph!!

KYLE
Yeah, all you have to do is fart
some more, Cartman, and the visitors
are sure to come!

CARTMAN
Really, uh, I don't think I have to
fart anymore tonight.

KYLE
Sure you do.

STAN
Come on Cartman, fart.

CARTMAN
I don't wanna!

STAN
He can't hold it in forever.

KYLE
Fart, damn you!

CARTMAN
Okay! That does it! Now listen! Why
is it that everything today has
involved things either going in or
coming out of my ass?!

Just then, a huge ice cream truck comes out of Cartman's
ass.

KYLE
Woa, look at that?

CARTMAN
It's completely immature.

KYLE
Hey, it's happening again.

STAN
It's a ice cream truck! Now do you
believe us, Cartman?

CARTMAN
You guys can't scare me.

STAN
Cartman there's an ice cream truck
sticking out of your ass.

Now a bunch of UFOS land near Cartman. The aliens quickly
get off and go to the ice cream truck.

KYLE
Hey, look! The aliens are getting
ice cream!

STAN
Wow, I guess everything's gonna be
okay!

Stan turns to Wendy and kisses her full on the mouth,
passionately.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL BUS

The boys are gathered around listening to the story.

STAN
Now THAT was what I call a sticky
situation.

The boys laugh. Kyle seems a little confused.

KYLE
You can say that again.

CARTMAN
(Really subtle)
Was that how it happened?

EXT./INT. TRUCK - NIGHT

Ms. Crabtree is still in the truck. She notices a town.

MS. CRABTREE
Stop! Let me off, you turd.

TRUCKER
Hey, I wanna help you. I care a lot
about that busload of... What was it
again?

MS. CRABTREE
Children.

TRUCKER
Yeah, right, let me come with you.

Ms. Crabtree jumps out of the truck. The Trucker follows
her. The back of the truck reads 'Red's Rufies -- They're a
knock out!' The town is deserted except for one building
with a bright, flashing neon sign that reads "Pauly Shore's
Funny Pit Tonight: Carrot Ass".

MS. CRABTREE
What the hell is this crap?

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

Ms. Crabtree stands in the club. A HACK COMIC is on stage.
The audience is bored.

HACK COMIC
I hate flying. Talk about something
I hate, its flying.

The HACK COMIC guffaws at his own joke. The audience sits in
silence.

TRUCKER
Say, uh... Are those rufies kicking
in yet?

MS. CRABTREE
Well, I don't think so.

TRUCKER
Damn.

HACK COMIC
Do you guys like impressions?

AUDIENCE
No!

HACK COMIC
Here's my impression of Robert DeNiro.
(bad Robert DeNiro)
Hey yous. Yous guys. Shut up yous.

MS. CRABTREE
You suck!

The audience blinks for a beat, then bursts out laughing.

HACK COMIC
(bad Robert DeNiro)
Yous guys shut up.

MS. CRABTREE
Sit down and shut up.

The audience laughs hysterically.

Ms. Crabtree isn't trying to be funny, she's just being
herself.

HACK COMIC
(as Barney the dinosaur)
Come on, lady. I love you, you love
me.

MS. CRABTREE
I SAID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

The audience falls out of their chairs, laughing.

The HACK COMIC pees his pants and runs off stage, crying. A
TALENT SCOUT approaches Ms. Crabtree.

TALENT SCOUT
Baby, you're wonderful. You're a
natural. You're the funniest comic
I've seen in years.

MS. CRABTREE
Why don't you just shut the hell up?
I've got to get some assistance to
my broken down bus.

The talent scout laughs, thinking this is all part of her
act.

TALENT SCOUT
Broken down bus! That's great! Great
angle.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

Kyle has his head stuck out the window.

STAN
Do you see her, dude?

KYLE
Nope.

CARTMAN
God dammit, how long is this gonna
take?

The kid in the red shirt is sweating heavily.

KID IN RED SHIRT
She's never coming back! Don't you
get it?! She's left us here to die
like pigs!

KYLE
Calm down dude, you're upsetting
Kenny!

Kenny shoots Kyle a quizzical look.

KID IN RED SHIRT
I can't take it anymore! I have to
get out of here!

The kid walks to the front of the bus.

STAN
No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree
said! There's a big black scary
monster out there!

KID IN RED SHIRT
Well, I'm not going to sit here and
wait to die with the rest of you!

The kid opens the bus doors.

KID IN RED SHIRT
If I make it back, I'll send help.

KYLE
Don't do it, kid.

But the kid steps off the bus.

The boys all run to the windows to get a look.

EXT. SCHOOL BUS

They see the kid look left, then right, then start walking
straight ahead.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

STAN
Hmmm... Maybe Ms. Crabtree DID make
up the stuff about the big black
monster --

The kid stops by some trees, turns around and waves at the
he kids on the bus.

MONSTER
GWAAAASGHGHH!!!!

KID IN RED SHIRT
AAAGGHGHGHhH!!!

EXT. SCHOOL BUS

The boys watch on, horrified, as a HUGE, horrible monster
scoops up the kid in the red shirt with one enormous claw.

KYLE
HOLY CRAP, DUDE!!

The beast raises the screaming child up to its mouth, and
swallows it whole. Then the beast scurries back into the
forrest.

INT. BUS -

The children continue to watch, horrified. Suddenly, there
is a loud splitting noise followed by a THUD against the
windshield of the bus.

ANGLE ON THE SIDE WINDOW:

A small skeleton with a red shirt slides down the glass.

KIDS
AAAGHGAH!!!

BEBE
Gross!

INT. SCHOOL BUS

Back on the bus, the children are all silent and wide-eyed.
Slowly, and quietly, they make their way back to their seats.
Finally, Stan speaks.

STAN
Well, I guess nobody else will be
getting off the bus.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT II

"A New Hope"

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Ms. Cartman is in the kitchen, wearing her apron and mixing
up a bowl of yummy, taking a sheet of cookies out of the
oven, and so forth. The phone rings and Ms. Cartman answers
it.

MS. CARTMAN
Hello?

STAN'S MOM
Oh hello, Ms. Cartman, it's Sharon,
Stan's mother.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh yes, Sharon how are you?

STAN'S MOM
Ms. Cartman is your son at home?

MS. CARTMAN
Hold on dear... Let me check.
(calling out)
Hon, I made Beefy logs!

A long pause.

MS. CARTMAN
I made cookie dings!

No answer.

MS. CARTMAN
No, he's not here.

STAN'S MOM
Well now I am worried... I've tried
all the houses and nobody knows where
they are.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh, dear.

They hang up.

EXT. DENVER - DAY

Establishing of the Denver skyline.

WHIP PAN to a large building with 'TALENT AGENCY' written on
it.

INT. TALENT AGENCY - DENVER - DAY

The talent scout is pitching Ms. Crabtree to an older agent.

TALENT SCOUT
I'm telling you, Marty this woman is
a natural, I haven't seen a funnier
person since Maury Povich.

AGENT
What's her angle?

TALENT SCOUT
I can't even explain it. You have to
see it.

AGENT
Alright, this better be good.

The talent scout smiles and runs over to the door, which he
opens.

TALENT SCOUT
Come on in, come on in.

In walks Ms. Crabtree with her trucker friend.

MS. CRABTREE
What the HELL did you bring me to
Denver for, you brain depraved
fecalpheliac?!?!

TALENT SCOUT
Mr. Jonas, this is Ms. Crabtree.

AGENT
Pleasure to meet you.

The agent smiles.

MS. CRABTREE
YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT THAT
JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!!

TALENT SCOUT
What did I tell you?

AGENT
She's fantastic.
(to Crabtree)
How would you like to make a million
dollars baby?

MS. CRABTREE
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!

AGENT
Let's get started right away.

The trucker walks up and puts a hand on Crabtree's shoulder.

TRUCKER
You gonna be all right?

MS. CRABTREE
DON'T TOUCH ME!

TRUCKER
I'm sorry. Do you need anything?

MS. CRABTREE
No... I just...

TRUCKER
What?

MS. CRABTREE
I can't help but feel like I've
forgotten something...

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

The bus still hangs perilously over the cliff. Crickets CHIRP.

INT. BUS - NIGHT

The kids all shiver and moan as they wait for their busdriver
to return.

STAN
What time is it?

Kenny checks his watch.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm.

KYLE
On Wednesday or Thursday?

STAN
Dude, I think it's Saturday now.

CARTMAN
WHAT?! I'M MISSING THE NEW FANTASY
ISLAND!!

Kyle is looking out the back window -- It's a long drop to
the ground below.

KYLE
Oh man, I don't think it's very safe
to be on this bus.

STAN
Well we can't go anywhere or else
that big scary monster outside will
get us.

CARTMAN
What do you think it is?

STAN
I don't know, it's a big scary
monster.

KYLE
Hey! Maybe it's that thing
Scuzzlebutt!

STAN
What?

KYLE
Don't you remember? That time we
were up camping with your Uncle Jimbo
and Ned...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MOUNTAIN DAY

The boys are standing there with Jimbo and Ned from episode
3.

JIMBO
That lava's coming right for us.

CARTMAN
Heeeelp!!!

JIMBO
Jiminy POKE! It's the real
scuzzlebutt!!

CARTMAN
WHAT?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!

KYLE
Oh my God! Look at his leg!

LEG
Hi kids, I'm T.V.'s Brent Musburger.

STAN
Dude! He's got Brent Musburger for a
leg!!

ALL
AGHAGAHGAH!!!!

JIMBO
Quick Ned, Shoot it!!

NED
Oh no, out of ammo!!

STAN
Hey look!

Scuzzlebutt furiously starts whipping things together.

KYLE
Dude! He's making ice cream!!

Scuzzlebutt hands the boys large ice cream cones.

CARTMAN
Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BUS -

KYLE
Now that's what I call a STICKY
situation!

The boys all laugh.

STAN
Okay, so we can agree that the monster
outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, 'cause
Scuzzlebutt's nice...

CARTMAN
HEY! Maybe it's our teacher! Mr.
Garrison!!

KYLE
Don't be stupid, Cartman! Our teacher
wouldn't be out lying in the forest
waiting to kill us!

CARTMAN
Oh no? Don't you remember the time
he went crazy and tried to kill Kathie
Lee Gifford?

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SOUTH PARK - STAGE - DAY

From episode 2.

MAYOR
Here she comes.

The crowd goes nuts as Kathie Lee is driven in on her Pope
Mobile.

Garrison is up the book depository, waiting to get a good
shot.

INT. BOOK DEPOSITORY -

MR. GARRISON
Come on you little bitch...

MAYOR
It is with great pride and honor
that I'd like to welcome Mrs. KATHIE
LEE GIFFORD to South Park!!

KATHIE LEE GIFFORD
Thank you.

Stan and Wendy burst into the room.

STAN
Mr. Garrison, STOP!

MR. GARRISON
Leave us! We must finish what we
have begun.

WENDY
But Mr. Garrison --

MR. GARRISON
She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford.
She's some kind of Alien.

Garrison turns back to the window.

EXT. STAGE -

CATHY LEE
Thank you, how I love you all...

BANG!! The bullet hits Cathy Lee right between the eyes. The
back of her head blows apart, and her body is sent flying
backwards and an Alien comes out of her body.

The crowd GASPS!!

Mr. Garrison fires off a few rounds, killing the alien.

MR. GARRISON
See? I told ya.

Stan and Wendy shrug. Stan grabs Wendy and kisses her
passionately.

MAYOR
Well, this is going to put a damper
on the day... LET'S HAVE ICE CREAM
EVERYONE!!

The crowd cheers.

Cartman is wearing a pink Tank Top, and is totally buff and
muscular.

CARTMAN
BEEFCAKE!!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL BUS

CARTMAN
Now that's what I call a STICKY
situation!

The boys all laugh.

STAN
But the monster outside couldn't be
Mr. Garrison, because Mr. Garrison
used a gun...

CARTMAN
Oh yeah...

INT. TELEVISION

The opening of 'The Tonight Show' with Jay Leno.

NARRATOR
Live from Burbank, it's the tonight
show with Jay Leno! Tonight, Jay's
special guests include washed up
actress from a Sit com! And the comedy
of Ms. Crabtree! And now, here's
your host Jayyyyyy Leno!!

Jay comes out on stage, his chin dragging on the floor.

INT. BACKSTAGE AT NBC

Ms. Crabtree stands in the wings with the talent scout. The
trucker stands off to the side.

TALENT SCOUT
Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna
kill out there.

MS. CRABTREE
Kill who?

TALENT SCOUT
(laughing)
That's great! Use that!

The trucker walks up to Ms. Crabtree, just as she lets out a
big sigh.

TRUCKER
Hon, do you need anything?

MS. CRABTREE
Just gimme another one of them rufies.

TRUCKER
Sure.

The trucker holds 'em out like altoids. Crabtree pops one in
her mouth.

INT. SCHOOL COUNSELORS OFFICE - NIGHT

The boys parents along with some other parents have gathered.

COUNSELOR
Uh, ok, let's try to calm down, okay?
This type of thing happens all the
time.

STAN'S MOM
What do you mean? How often does an
entire third grade class go missing?

COUNSELOR
Well, 99 percent of the time, when a
child is missing it's because they've
runaway, okay?

The crowd gasps and murmurs.

STAN'S MOM
Runaway?

KYLE'S MOM
Oy. I knew I shouldn't have made
Kyle eat that gafagahaga.

STAN'S FATHER
How do we get our runaway children
back?

COUNSELOR
Well, we just need to make some
posters, okay? Hand out brochures,
okay? That way the public can know
what the children look like and can
call in if they are spotted, okay?

STAN'S MOM
Let's get started right away!! They
could be halfway to L.A. by now!

KYLE'S MOM
It's only a matter of time before
they're selling their bodies and
buying smack!

EXT. SOUTH PARK

The parents are busily nailing and taping up "HAVE YOU SEEN
ME?" posters all around town.

Kyle's dad nails a sign Kyle's picture on it to a tree.

Stan's dad tapes one of Stan to the busstop sign.

Cartman's mom hands out brochures in a bikini on main street.
A crowd of men surround her.

Posters of other kids go up as well. Clyde, Bebe, Pip, etc.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

The kids all still patiently waiting on the bus.

STAN
What was that?!

KYLE
What was what?

STAN
Dude, I think the scary monster is
right outside the bus!

KYLE
What could it be?! If only we knew
what we were up against!

KENNY
Mph mph mph... mph mprmh mprm rm?

KYLE
Oh yeah, I remember that.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph, rmphm rm rmpmh...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SOUTH PARK ROAD - DAY

Death is chasing the boys down South Park Avenue. (From
episode 106)

The boys run screaming down South Park avenue. Death pursues
them on a tricycle.

Grandpa is pursuing Death in his wheelchair.

GRANDPA
Come back here you pompous son of a
panzy!

Slowly, Death catches up to the boys, he stretches out his
bony hand...

STAN
AAGH!!

KYLE
Don't let him touch you! You die if
he touches you!!

GRANDPA
I'm over here you son of a whore!

Death reaches out to touch Kenny, but Kenny grabs on to
Death's cloak, pulls him off the tricycle, and beats the
shit out of him.

Kenny kicks death in the ribs until death is a bloody, pulpy
mass.

STAN
OH MY GOD!! KENNY KILLED DEATH!!

KYLE
YOU BASTARD????

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL BUS

Back on the bus, the kids are listening to the story.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph a mphy mrmphation!
(now that's what I
call a sticky
situation!)

The kids all laugh merrily.

STAN
Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't
be death... Because death only touches
you, it doesn't eat you.

KENNY
Mph...

KYLE
Well, who really cares what that
monster is outside? As long as we
stay on the bus it can't hurt us,
right?

Just then, a huge hole is ripped from the roof of the bus.
The kids all SCREAM as a giant, clawlike hand scoops up Kenny
and hauls him up through the whole.

STAN
Oh my God! He's killing Kenny!

KENNY
YOU BASTARD!!

Just like the first time, the monster runs off, leaving the
kids alone in the silence.

STAN
Oh boy, we're are in BIG trouble...

CARTMAN
Hey you guys, can we order a pizza?

INT. NBC STUDIOS - NIGHT

Ms. Crabtree is on stage doing her act.

MS. CRABTREE
What the hell are you all staring
at?!

The audience laughs merrily.

MS. CRABTREE
Stop laughing you whores!!

They laugh harder.

MS. CRABTREE
I SAID SHUT UUUUUPPP!!!!

The audience goes silent for a few seconds... Then bursts
out laughing.

Crabtree shakes her head and walks off the stage.

JAY LENO
Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree! What
an up and comer!!

Crabtree walks over to the Trucker.

TRUCKER
That was great, ma'am.

MS. CRABTREE
Was it? Does it even matter?

TRUCKER
What do you mean?

MS. CRABTREE
Success is hollow, Mitch. Hollow
like a dead tree. I think it's time
for me to give it up.

TRUCKER
Are you sure?

MS. CRABTREE
I'm sure... Let's get a cup of coffee.

The trucker smiles and walks out with Ms. Crabtree.

EXT. PERILOUS CLIFF - DAY

Now it's daytime, and the kids are all still sitting on the
bus, with a huge hole ripped off the top.

CARTMAN
I wonder when the monster's gonna
come back to feed again!

The kids all exchange looks.

KYLE
We've just got to stick together.

STAN
(thinking)
Yeah, there's got to be a way out of
this...

KYLE
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!!

STAN
What?

KYLE
Remember that time... Fonzie jumped
over the busses with his motorcycle?

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. AL'S DINER - HAPPY DAYS - DAY

Everybody is gathered in the parking lot of Al's. Fonzie is
dressed like Evil Kneival on his motorcycle.

Fonzie revs the engine.

JOANIE
GO FONZIE!!

FONZIE
Ayyyyyy.

The boys cheer Fonzie on.

CARTMAN
YOU CAN DO IT, FONZIE!

STAN
WE BELIEVE IN YOU FONZ!!

FONZIE
Ayyyyy.

Fonzie gives a THUMBS UP, then puts on his helmet. He revs
the engine some more, and then hauls ass towards a large
ramp in front of the busses.

Fonzie JUMPS! He clears the busses!

Everybody cheers!

But when Fonzie lands, his bike spins out of control! Fonzie's
bike flies into Kenny, crushing him instantly.

FONZIE
Ayyyyy,

Fonzie pulls out an ice cream cone and starts eating it.

STAN
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

KYLE
You bastard!!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL BUS

CARTMAN
Now that's what I call a sticky
situation!

Cartman laughs, but this time by himself. Stan and Kyle are
just staring at him.

STAN
You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the
way it happened!

KYLE
Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight
hours ago from that monster! How
could he have died back then too?

Cartman thinks.

CARTMAN
Oh yeah... I guess that doesn't make
sense...

CrANK!!! The boys all look around in a panic as the bus starts
to TILT downward!!

STAN
OH NO!!

KIDS
AAAGHGH!!!

EXT. SCHOOL BUS

The bus slides a few feet, and tilts further down into the
chasm!

INT. SCHOOL BUS

KYLE
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!?!?!

END OF ACT II

ACT THREE

"A Bridge Too Far"

EXT. BUS - NIGHT

Again night has fallen. The bus goes CREEEEK as it tilts
further down the slope.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

The kids are running up and down the isles, changing seats.

STAN
Now we need more weight in the back!!!

Some of the kids run to the back.

STAN
No, that's too much!!

Some of the kids run to the front. The bus balances itself.

KYLE
There, I think we got it...

STAN
I don't know how much longer we can
keep this up, dude.

KYLE
Don't worry, everything's going to
work out. It always does.

CARTMAN
It does?

KYLE
Sure, remember that time that the
kid in the red shirt decided to go
off on his own...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BUS -

(From earlier in this show)

KID IN RED SHIRT
Well, I'm not going to sit here and
wait to die with the rest of you!

The kid opens the bus doors.

KID IN RED SHIRT
If I make it back, I'll send help.

KYLE
Don't do it, kid.

But the kid steps off the bus.

The boys all run to the windows to get a look.

EXT. SCHOOL BUS

They see the kid look left, then right, then start walking
straight ahead.

INT. SCHOOL BUS

STAN
Hmmm... Maybe Ms. Crabtree DID make
up the stuff about the big black
monster -- GWAAAASGHGHH!!!!

KID IN RED SHIRT
AAAGGHGHGHhH!!!

EXT. SCHOOL BUS

The boys watch on, horrified, as a HUGE, horrible monster
scoops up the kid in the red shirt with one enormous claw.

KYLE
HOLY CRAP, DUDE!!

The beast raises the screaming child up to its mouth, and
swallows it whole. Then it pulls out a large scooper and a
box.

KYLE
Hey look! It's got ice cream!!

KIDS
Hooray!!

A huge hole is ripped in the top of the bus, and ice cream
cones are dropped all around.

The kids all merrily eat the ice cream.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BUS - NIGHT - PRESENT

KYLE
Now that's what I call a STICKY
situation!

The boys all laugh.

EXT. LILY COVERED POND - DAY

Ms. Crabtree and Marcus sit on a fallen tree, holding hands
and looking out over the beautiful scenery.

MS. CRABTREE
Wow... This is gorgeous. I don't
think I've ever seen anything so
beautiful.

MARCUS
From a distance this place looks
like a cold, damp marsh, but once
you get inside it... You realize
that it has an inner beauty far
surpassing others.

Ms. Crabtree stares at Marcus.

MARCUS
Thank you for sharing your time with
me Ms. Crabtree.

MS. CRABTREE
Please... Call me muffin.

MARCUS
I'm having a nice time, muffin.

MS. CRABTREE
Me too Marcus. I've forgotten all
about my cares in the world...

INT. BUS

CARTMAN
Aww, damn man, now I'm missing the
new Barnaby Jones!

KYLE
Hey, Ms. Crabtree had that little
T.V. for the training video. Maybe
we can watch TV on IT!

STAN
Hey yeah!

Cartman walks up to the small television and turns it on.

Static.

INT. TELEVISION SET - DAY

NEWS GUY
All over America, kids are turning
to the streets and running away.
Tonight, a very special message from
the parents of some runaway children.
It hopes that their young will hear
their cry.

INT. DARKLY LIT STAGE - DAY

Stan's dad steps up to a microphone.

STAN'S DAD
Hello, Stanly... It's me, papa. Gosh
your mother and I miss ya. And I
hope that, wherever you may be...
You'll hear this message...

Cheesy music begins to play. At the last second before the
singing begins, Stan's Dad steps in front of the microphone.

STAN'S DAD
(singing)
Little lamb, lost in this great big
world. Runaway, finding the streets
so cold.

INT. BUS -

The kids are all laughing.

KYLE
Dude! Your dad's a retard!

INT. TELEVISION SET - DAY

Kyle's dad steps in.

KYLE'S DAD
Please come home, Kyle...
(singing)
You left home, looking for something
new, but all you need is right here
waiting for you --

INT. BUS -

Kyle looks embarrassed.

STAN
Ha, ha!

INT. TELEVISION SET - DAY

The MUSIC is continuous. The South Park parents, all wearing
"Runaway Come Home" T-shirts, are on risers wearing
headphones. Microphones hang down to record them.

QUINCY JONES stands in front of them, conducting as they
sing the chorus:

PARENTS
Runaway come home, we love you just
as you are. Runaway come home, we're
sorry things went this far.

INT. BUS -

The kids now all look embarrassed.

STAN
Dude, did it ever occur to them to
just LOOK for us?

CLYDE
I hope my dad doesn't sing.

INT. BUS - DAY

The kids are all waiting around like before.

Nobody says anything for a long time. Finally, Cartman speaks.

CARTMAN
Hey... Do you guys remember the time
I found out who my father was?

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

STAN
Boy, do I...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HOSPITAL -

MEPHESTO
Now, as I said before, the father is
somebody in this room...

Everybody looks nervous.

MEPHESTO
The father is... JOHN ELWAY!!

Everybody gasps!!

CARTMAN
SWEEEET!!!

JOHN ELWAY
Oh, oh.

CARTMAN
THIS KICKS ASS YOU GUYS!! JOHN ELWAY
IS MY FATHER!!!
(singing)
My father is John ELLLWAY MY father
is John ELLLWAY! Get down, get down

JOHN ELWAY
Come on, son, I'll buy you some ice
cream.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SCHOOL BUS

CARTMAN
Now that's what I'll call a....

KYLE
(skeptical)
Wait a minute... I thought your father
was your mother 'cause she had a
penis.

CARTMAN
What? HEY!! YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS!!

Cartman rushes Kyle.

STAN
Cartman, NO!

As Cartman makes his way down the isle, the weight of the
bus shifts and --

CRACK!!

KIDS
AAAGHGHGGHG!!!

STAN
THE BUS IS GOING OVER!!!

KYLE
Oh, no!!

The kids all scurry around as the front end of the bus raises
itself.

EXT. BUS

***MAKE THIS LIKE TITANIC***

It slides off the cliff and spirals towards the ground. We
can see the children's horrified faces as they plunge to the
depths.

KIDS
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

EPILOGUE

The bus falls and falls, and finally lands in a HUGE container
of ice cream!

The kids all sit there stunned for a minute...

STAN
HEY! WE LANDED IN ICE CREAM!!

KIDS
HOORAY!!!

CARTMAN
Wait, wait, wait... this doesn't
make sense... This whole thing doesn't
make any sense... I must be...

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - MORNING

Cartman jolts awake.

CARTMAN
AGAHGHAGH!!!

Cartman catches his breath and looks around.

CARTMAN
Oh man, what a weird dream!

CARTMAN'S MOM
Are you okay, hon?

CARTMAN
Mom... I just dreamt that me and
Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped
on our bus. And we were talking about
everything that happened to us, except
that it was all wrong. And everything
ended with us eating ice cream.

CARTMAN'S MOM
Oh... well... would you like some
beetles for breakfast?

CARTMAN
Yes, please.

Cartman and his mother start scarfing down crunchy, live
beetles.

CARTMAN
Mme.!

MS. CRABTREE
Beetles are good with ice cream!

Mom takes out some ice cream, just as we --

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - MORNING

Stan jolts awake.

STAN
AAAGHGHGH!!!

Stan looks around.

STAN
Oh, dude! What a nightmare!

Stan picks up the phone near his bed and dials.

KYLE
Hello?

STAN
Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.

KYLE
Really?

STAN
Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt
that we were all trapped on a bus
and then he dreamt that we talked
about things that had happened only
they were all wrong, and then he and
his mother ate beetles.

KYLE
Dude... That's a pretty fucked up
dream.

STAN
Yeah... I must be having some real
emotional problems.

KYLE
Hey, me and Cartman and Kenny are
going down to Happy Burger. You wanna
come?

STAN
Sure. I definitely don't want to
sleep anymore. See ya later.

Stan gets out of bed.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Crabtree is in the lily covered forest with her lover.

MS. CRABTREE
I want to thank you for making me
feel alive again, Marcus.

MARCUS
Ms. Crabtree...

MS. CRABTREE
What is it? What's wrong?

MARCUS
You realize I can't stay. None of
this is real. It's all been a little
eight year old's dream.

MS. CRABTREE
Oh I know... I know, Marcus. But let
me just pretend as long as I can.

MARCUS
Sure.

Marcus puts his arm around Ms. Crabtree. The camera PULLS
BACK as they are silhouetted against a gorgeous sky.

THE END

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