"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 205

"Conjoined Fetus Lady"

Written by

Trey Parker, Matt Stone, David Goodman



INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

The kids are all gathered around Chef.

CHEF
Okay, children, it's Friday and you
know what that means for P.E. class...
we're gonna play DODGEBALL!!

The kids all moan.

KYLE
We don't wanna play dodgeball it
hurts.

STAN
Yeah!

CHEF
-- So let's have half the children
on this side, and half the children
on that side.

The kids all whine and head for their respective corners.
Pip quickly catches up to the four boys.

PIP
Uh, excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I
don't believe I know how to play
dodgeball.

CARTMAN
What?! Don't you have dodgeball in
France?

PIP
Well, no. And actually I'm not from
France.

STAN
Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A
kid from that team is gonna try to
bean a kid on our team in the head
with a big red ball --

PIP
Oh, dear...

STAN
If the ball hits you, you're out.
But if you CATCH the ball, HE'S out.
And the last team to still have
anybody standing wins.

PIP
Oh what jolly good fun!

KYLE
No it isn't, it hurts. I can't believe
they let us play this in school.

The kids all line up. Chef blows a whistle.

CHEF
PLAY BALL!!

A kid from the B team (That's the team WITHOUT Stan, Kyle,
Cartman and Kenny) throws the ball as hard as he can.

The ball immediately SMACKS into the face of an unprepared A
team player (Clyde). Clyde flies to the ground, and starts
crying immediately.

KYLE
DAMMIT! WE'VE LOST ONE ALREADY!

CHEF
(laughing)
You're out, Clyde!!

STAN
JORDAN, SWANSON, PULL FORWARD!! WE
NEED BACKUP!!!

Jordan and Swanson take obediently take their spots. The B
team player again hurls the ball. SMACK!! It nails Jordan in
the stomach, sending him backwards into the wall.

STAN
WE'RE LOSING MEN FAST OUT HERE!!

Chef yells out some coaching tips.

CHEF
(still laughing)
Concentrate on your game... Be the
ball...

The team B player lets one fly. It heads for Kyle's face,
but at the last second, Kyle snags it from the air.

KYLE
I CAUGHT IT!! I CAUGHT IT!!!

CHEF
Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's
on offense!!

KYLE
Here, pip, you throw.

Kyle throws the ball to Pip.

PIP
Oh, no I couldn't.

KYLE
Come on, limey! Don't be a wuss!

PIP
But --

KYLE
Are you just gonna be a little French
pansy your whole life?!

PIP
I'm not Fren --

KYLE
Throw the ball you stupid frog!

Pip seems to be getting angry.

KYLE
God damn, maybe if you didn't eat
all those croissants you'd be able --

Suddenly, Pip throws the ball violently at Kyle. Kyle
immediately crashes to the floor.

KYLE
YOW!!!

Chef runs over.

CHEF
Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but
you're supposed to hit kids on the
other team.

Kyle gets up, holding his nose.

KYLE
OW! My nose! You broke my nose!!

CARTMAN
(to Pip)
Damn, Pip, I didn't know you had it
in you.

PIP
Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry...

CHEF
That nose is bleeding pretty bad,
Kyle. I think you might have to go
to the Nurse's office.

MUSIC STING. Kyle looks horrified. All the children look
horrified.

KYLE
No... No it'll be okay...

CHEF
Sorry, son. You'll have to let the
nurse look at it. Come on.

Chef pulls Kyle away by the arm.

KYLE
No! NOOooooo!!

CARTMAN
Dude... He's going to the nurse's
office.

CLYDE
I heard the school nurse is hideously
deformed!!

BEBE
I heard she has tentacles and eats
children for lunch!

Cartman slowly walks up to Stan, who is worriedly watching
Kyle be dragged away.

CARTMAN
Stan... Has anybody actually seen
the nurse, and come back to tell
about it?

STAN
No, Cartman... Nobody ever has...

The two boys swallow hard.

EXT. NURSES OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. NURSE'S OFFICE - DAY

Kyle is sitting alone on the Nurse's operating table.
Everything is silent and still...

Kyle looks scared shitless. He's shaking violently. There is
the smallest little BUMP. Kyle jolts and looks to his left
where a little mouse scurries away. Kyle breathes a sigh of
relief.

Then, he hears the door opening. CREEEEEEEAAKKKK.... Kyle
can't take it. He closes his eyes.

NURSE (O.S.)
Are you Kyle Broflovski?

KYLE
(eyes still shut)
Y-Yes.

NURSE
I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt
your nose?

KYLE
Y-Yes.

NURSE
Young man, why do you have your eyes
closed? I'm not going to hurt you.

KYLE
I know.

NURSE
So open them.

The music builds and builds and finally reaches a climax as
Kyle pops his eyes open.

Kyle smiles.

Standing before him, is a fairly attractive, quite normal
looking woman in her late thirties.

Kyle's smiles widens and he takes a deep breath.

KYLE
Oh, whew!!

NURSE
Now what seems to be the problem?

KYLE
Aw, I just hit my nose playing
dodgeball.

NURSE
Oh, well I'll get you an ice pack.

Now the nurse turns to her right. And Kyle sees, to his
horror, that she has a small, dead fetus growing outside of
her head.

KYLE
AAAGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!

Huge music STAB.

NURSE
What?

KYLE
AGHAGaGHGHGH!!!!!

NURSE
Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder.
I have a still born fetus growth
attached to my head.

KYLE
AGAHGAHGAHAHGGHH!!!!!!

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

All the boys are gathered around Kyle, who is relating his
story.

KYLE
And when she moved up and down, the
little fetus jiggled!!

BOYS
EW!!!

CARTMAN
Did it talk? The little fetus, did
it talk?

KYLE
No, no. It looked dead!

BOYS
EW!!!

STAN
Was it wearing clothes?

KYLE
Dude, where is she gonna get fetus
clothes?

STAN
Oh, yeah. EW!!!

BOYS
EW!!!

KYLE
And then she walked over to the --

KYLE'S MOTHER
KYLE! THAT IS ENOUGH!!

The boys all snap their heads towards Ms. Broflovski, who is
holding a large encyclopedia.

KYLE'S MOTHER
I've been reading up on your poor
nurse's condition, and it is nothing
to be made fun of. It's called
Conjoined Twin Msylexia.

CARTMAN
Who the hell cares what it's called,
as long as she doesn't touch me.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Now that's just the kind of
unawareness that we need to fight
against. Sit down, boys.

The boys reluctantly sit. Ms. Broflovski sits in a chair
with the encyclopedia entitled "Freaks A-Z" in her lap.

MUSIC begins like it's storytime.

KYLE'S MOTHER
You see, boys, sometimes when babies
are born, they're born as twins. But
sometimes the twins get hooked
together, and they're born as 'Siamese
Twins'.

She shows them a picture from the encyclopedia. (Use a real
picture)

BOYS
Gross!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
But sometimes, after the Siamese
twins are joined together, one of
the twins dies before birth. The
living baby is born with the dead
baby still attached.

The boys look petrified.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Sometimes this dead twin is inside
the living person. So even YOU could
have a dead twin inside you and not
even know it!!!

Stan and Cartman SCREAM and run out the door.

KYLE'S MOTHER
So now that you are educated about
her disease, you won't need to make
fun of her, right Boobie?

KYLE
Uh... yeah.

Kyle's mother gets up and walks away. Kyle just sits there,
scared stiff. He finally roles his eyes over to Kenny, who
breaks out laughing.

Kyle doesn't laugh with him, so Kenny eventually stops.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

Kyle's mom is in the kitchen cooking, as Kyle's father reads
the paper at the kitchen table.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?

KYLE'S FATHER
(not paying attention)
Mmm mm.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Feeling like an outcast, Being
ridiculed every day...

KYLE'S FATHER
Mmm mm.

The phone rings. Sheila answers it.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello?

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Stan's mother is on the other end.

STAN'S MOTHER
Hello, Sheila, it's Sharon, Stan's
mother?

CROSSCUT

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh yes, hello, Sharon.

STAN'S MOTHER
Sheila, I was wondering if you might
know why my son is trying to split
his head open with an ice pick?

In the background, we can see little Stan going crazy. His
father is holding him back.

STAN
No, no! I have to get it out!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, Sharon, I was just trying to
educate them about Conjoined Twin
Myslexia

STAN'S MOTHER
So this IS your fault. Would you do
me a favor? Next time you want to
scare the hell out of my child just
go outside and sit in the road until
a truck runs you over instead.

Click.

Kyle's mother just thinks with the phone in her hand.

KYLE'S MOTHER
That does it. I must educate the
entire town about this awful disease!!

KYLE'S FATHER
Mmm mm.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Morning establishing.

INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

The kids are all standing in their dodgeball uniforms, looking
confused.

STAN
Dude, I don't get it. Why are we
supposed to play dodgeball again?

CARTMAN
Yeah, I thought we only played on
Fridays.

Chef comes running in with a piece of paper.

CHEF
Children! Great news! We've been
asked to play in the State FINALS
for dodgeball!!

Again the kids moan.

STAN
Aw, do we have to?

KYLE
Can't we just play with that big
parachute again or something?

CHEF
You don't understand, children! If
we can win State, we can play in the
nationals in Washington D.C.!!!

CARTMAN
Hey! They have a zoo there!!

CHEF
That's right! Now come on, we have a
LOT of practicing to do!!!

The kids start to take their places.

STAN
Aren't we supposed to have WON
something in order to go to State
Finals?

KYLE
Hey, Pip, you want to be on my team
again?

Pip looks absolutely thrilled.

PIP
I'd love to!

CARTMAN
Just try not to send anybody to that
monster nurse this time Frenchy.

PIP
Hey, I get quite disturbed when you
call me that. You shouldn't make fun
of foreigners. And besides, I hate
French people.

Chef blows his whistle and a "B" team member hurls the ball
and knocks Bebe out. The kids all laugh.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

Kyle's mother is sitting in the Principal's office with
Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly
is a thrill seeing your cheery face
again. What seems to be pissing you
off today?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Nothing is pissing me off. I just
want to start a movement.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Of course you do.

KYLE'S MOTHER
I want to talk to you all about your
school nurse.

The Principal and Mr. Mackey exchange looks.

COUNSELOR
Uh, Nurse Gollem is absolutely
qualified to --

KYLE'S MOTHER
No. no, no, I'm not upset about her.
I want to make the public aware of
her. Her disease should be brought
to light, so that it can be understood
rather than made fun of.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh... And what disease is that?

COUNSELOR
Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollem
has Conjoined Twin Myslexia

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
What's that?

KYLE'S MOTHER
She has a dead fetus attached to her
head.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
She does?!

COUNSELOR
You've never noticed that?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
No, I never did...

KYLE'S MOTHER
Well, that's exactly what I'm talking
about. This poor woman is forced to
live in the shadows because she feels
like an outcast. It is up to US to
make her feel comfortable and welcome
in our town.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Did you say a fetus? Sticking out
from her head?

KYLE'S MOTHER
I want to invite your nurse to a
dinner party at my house this evening.
I'd appreciate it if both you and
Mr. Mackey would attend.

COUNSELOR
Do we have to eat Kosher stuff?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollem, but
I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's
say around eight?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Wonderful.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Now you DID say she has a fetus on
her head?

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD

The big yellow school bus drives down the road, past a sign
that reads 'Denver - 45 miles'.

INT. SCHOOLBUS

Ms. Crabtree is at the wheel. Chef is in the front seat, and
the boys are in the back.

CHEF
Okay, children, now WHO'S GONNA WIN
THE STATE FINALS?!?!

The kids don't respond.

CLYDE
(very softly)
Denver?

CHEF
(chanting)
HERE WE GO CO-OWS, HERE WE GO, UH-
UH!! HERE WE GO CO-OWS, HERE WE GO,
UH-UH!!

Chef walks up next to the driving Ms. Crabtree.

CHEF
I think we need to get off on this
exit...

MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN, KID!!

CHEF
But it's quicker to get to the Denver
school THAT way!

MS. CRABTREE
DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!?!

CHEF
How many times do I have to explain
this to you? I'm not a student, you
can't give me an office referral,
and --

MS. CRABTREE
I SAID SIT DOOOOWWWWNNNN!!!!

CHEF
(sitting quickly)
Yes ma'am.

ACT II

EXT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL

The school bus pulls up to the immaculate, glass building.

KYLE
Woa, dude. This is a school?!

INT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL

Tons of parents have turned out for the dodgeball State
finals. The coach of the Denver team walks over to shake
Chef's hand.

DENVER COACH
Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas the
coach for the Denver Cougars.

CHEF
I'm Chef. Coach of the South Park
Cows.

DENVER COACH
Well, I certainly want to thank you
for bringing your team down.
Apparently nobody else would play us
because they know we'd just beat 'em
silly. So I told the school board to
find me some hick school from the
mountains, and here you are. You're
from South Park, yeah?

CHEF
Yeah.

DENVER COACH
My God, amazing where people can
live nowadays. Well, we might as
well get this over with, we gotta
start thinking about D.C. Promise we
won't make it too painful.

The coach slaps Chef on the back and trots away. Chef looks
pissed.

REFEREE
Play ball!

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Seated around the dinner table are Kyle's mother, Kyle's
father, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Nurse Gollem, and
the dead fetus.

Everybody just sits and eats, uncomfortably. Nobody says a
word. Finally, Kyle's mother tries to break the ice.

KYLE'S MOTHER
So... Uh... Where did you get your
degree, Nurse Gollem?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Colorado State.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh...

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ah...

More uncomfortable silence.

KYLE'S FATHER
Sheila, could you pass me the dead
fetus -- I mean, gravy.

Kyle's mother smacks Gerald under the table.

KYLE'S FATHER
Ow!

EXT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL

Establishing.

INT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL

A WHISTLE blows, and Token is smacked in the head with the
ball. He falls to the ground, bleeding. The parents in the
stands cheer wildly.

That leaves only Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Pip on the
cows side and --

The entire Denver school team still standing on their end of
the court.

CHEF
Dammit! Come on, somebody catch the
ball!!

Behind Chef, all the kids sit looking like war victims.

DENVER COACH
Alright boys, just five more of the
little bastards to go!

The cocky Denver player winds up to take another shot. But
this time, the ball sticks into Cartman's stomach. Cartman
quickly puts his arms around it.

CARTMAN
I caught it! I caught it!

DENVER PLAYER
Aw, that's not fair! He's so fat it
stuck in his belly!!

REFEREE
South Park on Offense!

CHEF
Great job children! Just stay focused
now!

KYLE
Go for it, Pip.

Kyle tosses Pip the ball.

PIP
Oh, bother.

Pip looks at the ball like it smells.

KYLE
COME ON YOU FRENCHY LITTLE FROG!!!

PIP
GAAA!!

Pip hurls the ball. It knocks two Denver kids out at once.

CHEF
WOA! Great shot, Pip!!

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The adults are still eating in uncomfortable silence. Finally,
Principal Victoria pipes up.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
So, I hear that the South Park Cows
are playing for State Finals in
dodgeball tonight.

COUNSELOR
Yeah... But it doesn't matter, though.
The Denver team always wins, okay?

KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, I don't know. I think our boys
might just have the dead fetus to
win. Heart!

Kyle's mother smacks Gerald so hard he falls out of his chair.

KYLE'S MOTHER
GERALD!! KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT!!

NURSE
It's okay, Ms. Broflovski, really.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Please forgive us. I'm terribly sorry,
Nurse Gollem.

NURSE
No, I'm quite secure with it.

KYLE'S MOTHER
I have felt so bad ever since I heard
the boys making fun of you.

NURSE GOLLUM
They're just young boys. Joking is a
way for them to come to terms with
what they don't understand.

COUNSELOR
Could I get some more pork?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
So did you ever think of just, you
know, having it cut off?

NURSE GOLLUM
(with a sigh)
Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought
had occurred to me. Unfortunately,
it would mean my death.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, so I suppose that's out... How
about a hat, then?

NURSE
No, really, I --

KYLE'S MOM
Yes, we could get you a FEW hats,
and wear a different one every day,
no big whoop.

NURSE GOLLUM
I really appreciate what you are
trying to do here, but it's not
necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.

KYLE'S MOM
I've got it!! We could set aside a
whole WEEK to make the public aware
of folks just like you!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ooh, yes, a 'Conjoined Twin Myslexia
Awareness Week'. You know that has a
nice ring!

NURSE
But I relly don't think --

COUNSELOR
The school could put out pamphlets,
okay? and we could have seminars to
educate, okay?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, this is so exciting! I'm going
to get the mayor on the phone RIGHT
NOW!!

Kyle's mother, Principal Victoria and the Counselor all get
up from their chairs and dash towards the phone. Nurse Gollem
sits for a few seconds, then looks at Gerald, who fakes a
smile.

INT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL - NIGHT

Chef is standing next to the boys with the ball.

CHEF
You just got one more, Pip...

We see that there is indeed only one Denver player left. He
looks very nervous.

CHEF
You get this kid and we're State
Champions.

Chef walks away.

CARTMAN
Yeah, and if you don't... You're a
big dumbass European Hippie piece of
crap.

Pip stares the Denver player down. The Denver player gets in
a stance, starts to look confident.

Pip winds up to take the shot --

KYLE
Get 'em Frenchy!

PIP
GAAA!!

The ball soars into the poor Denver player's mouth. In slo
mo we see the little kid get bathed in blood and fly
unconscious to the hard ground.

REFEREE
SOUTH PARK WINS!!!

CHEF
We did it children!! We did it!!
We're going to Washington D.C.!!!

The South Park kids all fall down and moan from pain and
exhaustion. Two paramedics dressed as clowns appear with a
stretcher.

DENVER PLAYER
(crying horrifically)
OWIIEE!!! MOMMY IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!!

They load the kid on the stretcher, but then walk off with
just the stretcher not the kid. The crowd cheers with delight
as the Denver coach looks on with disbelief.

CHEF
Oh, sorry about whooping your ass
there, Coach!
(singing)
Ooh baby, come on, just whooped
Denver's ass. Gonna need some cream
for your ass. It's turnin' red.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

The large stage (from Weight Gain 4000) is again set up in
the middle of town. The Mayor addresses the large crowd of
townspeople.

MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed
a great week for South Park. Ms.
Hermans has opened the East wing of
the library, and our own South Park
Cows Elementary school dodgeball
team is going to the national finals!
Where they will undoubtedly be beaten
senseless by the Washington team.

The townspeople cheer.

MAYOR
But most importantly, this week has
brought to my attention a very serious
and dreaded disease. Conjoined Twin
Myslexia.

Kyle's mother nudges his dad.

MAYOR
And so it is in honor of this, that
I declare this exciting week as
'Conjoined Twin Myselxia Week'!

The crowd cheers.

MAYOR
And now, let's kick off our week
long festivities with the first annual
'Grand Conjoined Parade'!

PARADE MUSIC begins. We can see a parade route, and everybody
standing on the sidewalks to get a view.

MAYOR
Let's hear it for these brave souls!!

The parade music gets louder, and Nurse Gollem, all by
herself, walks through frame, waving to a couple people
halfheartedly.

As she walks out of frame, the parade music gets softer.

MAYOR
What a glorious parade that was!!
Let's hear it for the parade
coordinators!!

The mayor gestures to about eleven guys in suits, who stand
up and take a bow. Everyone applauds.

NURSE
You know, Mayor, I really should be
accompanying those kids to Washington
in case they get hurt. That IS my
job.

MAYOR
Nonsense! This is YOUR week! You
aren't going anywhere!

INT. SCHOOLBUS

Ms. Crabtree drives the kiddies again.

CHEF
How much further is Washington D.C.?

MS. CRABTREE
SIT DOWN KID!!

CHEF
I need to know how far it is, lady!!

MS. CRABTREE
I SAID SIT DOWN!!!

CHEF
Yeah, whatever, you old dried up fat
hog.

MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!

CHEF
I said 'I've always wanted to visit
Prague'.

MS. CRABTREE
Oh, me too.

Meanwhile, the boys are in the back of the bus.

STAN
Okay, what have you got?

Kyle looks through his brown paper bag.

KYLE
Some hadkafish... Some Gafagga...

CARTMAN
I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly
roll!!

STAN
Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!!
Places!!!

Kyle holds one side of a rod, Cartman holds the other. Stan
loads the pie into onto the rubber band like a giant sling
shot.

Stan lets it go -- Ms. Crabtree gets SMACKED in the back of
the head with the Jelly roll.

MS. CRABTREE
OW!!

Her face hits the windshield. The bus swerves out of control.

BOYS
Woa!!

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C.

Establishing.

The school bus drives in and plows right into the side of
the Vietnam memorial.

EXT. ULYSSES S. GRANT ELEMENTARY

A lot of people have showed up for the big game. Chef and
the kids walk in to the large, decorated auditorium.

CHEF
Damn man, this is the big time
alright...

STAN
Chef, we're hungry.

CHEF
You can eat after the game. You
children win this one and your
national champions! Then you go on
and play the Chinese.

CARTMAN
My mom says there's a lot of black
people in China.

CHEF
What?

But Chef is interrupted by a geeky looking referee.

REFEREE
Are you Chef?

CHEF
Yeah.

REFEREE
The Washington team has forfeited
the game. Congratulations, you're
national champions.

CHEF
What?! WE DID IT, CHILDREN WE WON!!

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.

KYLE
Wow, that was easy.

The crowd boos.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, let's hear a
round of applause for the new national
champions of dodgeball... THE SOUTH
PARK COWS!!!

Everyone Cheers halfheartedly.

Stan and the boys walk over to the Washington bench, where
all the kids are getting ready to leave.

STAN
Hey, why did you guys forfeit?

WASHINGTON KID
You mean you don't know?

KYLE
Know what?

The lights dim... OMINOUS MUSIC begins.

WASHINGTON KID
Last year's national champions were
the Austin Pirates. They played China
for the world championship... Only
four of them came back alive.

The boys eyes pop.

WASHINGTON KID
The Chinese dodgeball players aren't
like us...

EXT. CHINA SCHOOL

Establishing.

INT. CHINA SCHOOL

The Chinese children, (who all look alike, naturally) are
dressed in little red uniforms. They do their exercises
preparing for the big game.

CHINESE COACH
Pur chyang ler sher!! Won ton pooya
chyung chyang!!

WASHINGTON KID (V.O.)
They do nothing but dodgeball day
in, and day out. They use steroids
and advanced training equipment to
make them not kids, but animals...

The kids work harder and harder. A Chinese man in a white
coat walks up and down giving the kids steroid shots in the
arm.

INT. WASHINGTON D.C. - GYMNASIUM

The boys are listening with horror.

WASHINGTON KID
Well, good luck. We've got our futures
to think about.

The Washington kids leave.

CHEF
(happily)
Okay children, back in the bus!

ACT III

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

There is a large banquet hall in the Mayor's building. It is
quite large, and has lots of round tables with immaculate
place settings.

Everybody is dressed formally in black tie and dresses.

MAYOR
And so, at this honorary dinner, we
take a look back at our beloved Nurse
Gollem and the brave life she has
lived. Roll the tape please, Mr.
Garrison.

Nurse Gollem is sitting at a table looking embarrassed.

NURSE
Oh no...

Mr. Garrison, in his tux with a fetus on his head, turns on
a projector. The film begins

SCREEN

A title comes up 'CONJOINED COURAGE: The life of Nurse Hilary
Gollem'

CHEESY MUSIC begins ala Neil Diamond.

SONG
YOU'VE GOT THE STRENGTH, YOU'VE GOT
THE COURAGE, EVEN WITH A DEAD FETUS
ON YOUR HEAD. YOU CARRY ON, YOU FIGHT
FOR TOMORROW DEAD FETUS OR NO, YOU
NEVER LET GO. YOUR MY CONJOINED TWIN,
DEAD THING HANGING OFF OF YOUR HEAD
WOMAN.

As this song plays, still images of Nurse Gollem doing stupid
mundane things like driving, painting her house, shopping
and doing a puzzle.

RESUME - MAYOR'S BUILDING

When the film is over there isn't a dry eye in the house.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh that was so touching.

MAYOR
And now, friends, it's time to present
the lifetime conjoined twin
achievement award. This award goes
to outstanding conjoined twins who
have made a mark on society and the
winner is...

She opens an envelope.

NURSE
(knowing what's coming)
Nurse Gollem.

MAYOR
(Reading envelope)
NURSE GOLLEM!!!

Glorious music begins everybody applauds. A spotlight hits
the nurse.

NURSE
Oh boy...

But just then, Jimbo runs up to the podium.

JIMBO
Excuse me Mayor, but I just received
some news you might all be interested
in. Our South Park cows have just
BEATEN the Washington dodgeball team,
and are on their way to the WORLD
CHAMPIONSHIP IN CHINA!!!

The room erupts with cheers.

INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY

The school bus makes its way down a nondescript road.

CHEF
Okay children, now we're almost to
China. I want you all to try and
focus on your game.

STAN
But Chef, we don't WANT to play the
Chinese!

CHEF
Nonsense! If we win this one we're
WORLD CHAMPIONS!!

KYLE
But we could get killed!

CHEF
And what price would you pay for
eternal glory? Just imagine a big
yellow 'dodgeball champions' banner
hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine
it!!

STAN
Dude, Chef has lost it.

CHEF
It'll be on the news all over the
world! South Park will finally have
a sport that its good at! Oh children,
it'll be glorious!

CARTMAN
So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale,
huh?

Chef stops and looks at Cartman.

KYLE
Dude what does that mean?

Cartman shrugs.

CARTMAN
I don't know.

STAN
Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?

Kevin, who looks just like any other kid but with black hair,
turns around.

KYLE
Yeah, you're from China!

KEVIN
No, I'm from AMERICA. My PARENTS are
Chinese.

STAN
Tell us how the Chinese play
dodgeball.

KEVIN
I have no idea, dude.

CARTMAN
Come on, ricepicker!

CHEF
HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!!

Silence.

CHEF
Children, that's NOT COOL. You don't
make fun of somebody because of their
ethnicity

STAN
You don't?

KYLE
But Chef, YOU just ripped on Chinese
people.

CHEF
No, no, no, no, no, that's different.
I made fun of them because they are
FROM China. You see, it's NOT okay
to make fun of an American because
they're black or brown or whatever,
but it IS okay to make fun of
foreigners because they're from
another country.

KIDS
Ohhh...

KEVIN
Yeah!

EXT. CHINA SCHOOL - DAY

The big, yellow school bus pulls up in front of the shitty
little Chinese school.

INT. CHINA SCHOOL

All the Chinese parents are gathered on one side of the gym.

CHINESE ANNOUNCER
It is a with great pride, that we
welcome our American friends. Now,
let the champions of dodgeball be
decide!

Chinese music and pageantry begins. Gongs and whistles, woman
throwing silk.

STAN
Damn, dude. China is fucked up.

REFEREE
TAKE PLACES!

The cows go to their end of the gym. Chef goes to the
sidelines.

CHEF
ALRIGHT, LET'S GO COWS! LET'S SHOW
'EM WHAT WE GOT!!

Two Chinese announcer guys are in a booth, just like the two
white guys in Big Gay Al's.

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER
Okay, Tom rooks rike the Americans
are getting ready to play... I don't
suppose they'll have any problems
SEEING the ball with their BIG
American Eyes!

The two sportscasters laugh.

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER 2
Yea! Good thing they have those big
eyes so they don't have to rely on
that AMAZING AMERICAN INTELLECT!!

The laugh even harder.

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER
Oh, you say such things.

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER 2
That's a zinger!

REFEREE
PLAY BALL!!

The Chinese player hurls the ball like a bolt of lightening.

It hits Clyde between the eyes, flipping head over heels
right off the playing field.

CHEF
Holy crap...

Another Chinese player throws the ball. Again the speed and
accuracy is amazing. It knocks Kyle in the balls. Kyle
doubles, over holding himself.

Before he can recover, the Chinese player again launches the
ball, the time hitting Kyle right between the eyes. He falls
to the ground.

CHEF
God damn...

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER
Hey, hey, what you call white American
person with P.H.D. in Physics and
math?

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER 2
I don't know, what?

CHINESE SPORTSCASTER
Stupid American!

The two sportscasters laugh merrily.

The Chinese player hands the ball to another teammate. This
Chinese kid winds up and throws a ball at Cartman.

CARTMAN
AAGH!

Cartman tries to run, but the ball catches him in the back,
knocking him head over heels.

ANNOUNCER
OH! Another American is down! It's,
number... uh... Oh I don't know all
Americans look alike!

They laugh merrily.

Another ball is quickly launched. This one hits Kenny dead
on, blowing him backwards into the cement wall, where he
breaks every bone in his body and sticks like a wet sponge.

STAN
OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY!

Kyle is still lying on the floor, but manages to barely lift
his arm. We don't even see his face.

KYLE
(weakly)
you... bastards...

Another Chinese player lines up.

CHINESE ANNOUNCER
Oh my, I haven't seen an American
die like that since Abraham Lincoln!

CHINESE ANNOUNCER 2
Dude! That is not cool. You're gonna
get us into trouble again!

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

On the stage, the Mayor again takes her place at the
microphone.

MAYOR
Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth
day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia week,
all our prayers are with our little
South Park Cows now playing their
hearts out in China. Now, join me in
saluting our Cows, and help make
Nurse Gollem not feel like an outcast,
with our first official CONJOINED
TWIN MYSLEXIA HATS!!

The mayor puts a hat on her head, that says 'go cows' and
also has a large plastic fetus hanging off the side. The
townspeople follow suit, putting on their ridiculous looking
hats. Now everybody has a little fetus hanging off their
head.

Nurse Gollem can't believe her eyes.

EXT. CHINA SCHOOL

Establishing. Time passes.

INT. CHINESE GYMNASIUM - DAY

Chef is standing on the sidelines looking desperate. All the
South Park players are on the bench behind him, looking in
desperate need of medical attention.

ANNOUNCER
And there is only one South Park
player left. Still all Chinese
players... This should be over very
shortly.

The Chinese players all smirk and take aim at poor, lonely,
scared shitless Pip.

The Chinese players wait for Pip to throw the ball.

CHINESE PLAYER #1
Come on! Throw Ball!

ANNOUNCER #2
Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation
of American?

ANNOUNCER
Yeah! yeah!

ANNOUNCER #2
Okay --
(American accent)
Hey I really really want that, that
looks good.

The announcers laugh their asses off.

ANNOUNCER
Hey, hey, hey, let me try, let me
try.
(American accent)
I'll use my Credit Card.

They laugh even harder. They fall out of their chairs.

ANNOUNCER
Do you have any non-dairy creamer?

ANNOUNCER #2
Yes!!!! Yes!!!!!... Y'all come a
back now ya hear.

Chef looks around sadly at his beaten little players.

CHEF
Oh what have I done?

Cartman pulls up a seat next to Chef and starts eating a
tootie bar.

CHEF
You know, Eric... I just realized
something. I've been obsessed. And
obsession isn't good.

Cartman looks at Chef, smacking his lips.

CHEF
If we had won the world
championship... What then? It would
only be a bigger let down the next
year if we DIDN'T win.

Cartman says nothing.

CHEF
Our lives would have to revolve around
dodgeball... Our lives were fine
before.

Cartman scratches his ass and farts.

Meanwhile, little Kevin quietly walks over to the Chinese
team.

Chef stands up and addresses his beaten players.

CHEF
Oh, I'm sorry children. I let it all
go to my head. Can you ever forgive
me? Come on, forget this stupid game.
Let's go home!

On the field, Pip is standing with the ball facing the
plethora of Chinese players. Pip still looks extremely
nervous.

CHINESE PLAYER #1
COME ON THROW BALL!!

Kevin walks up to the Chinese player and whispers in his
ear.

KEVIN
Hey, if you want to make him throw
the ball, say this.

Kevin hands the Chinese a piece of paper.

CHINESE PLAYER #1
Thanks. You American dumb ass.

Kevin walks away.

CHINESE PLAYER #1
(reading)
YOU FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP! THROW BALL!!

Pip's eyebrows raise.

CHINESE PLAYER #1
WHAT'S MATTER FRENCHY?! YOU GOT CREPES
IN YOUR EARS?!

The Chinese players all laugh. Pip turns red and starts to
shake. Another Chinese player grabs the piece of paper and
reads off of it.

PIP
AAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!!

Pip spins around and around. He becomes like a starburst of
energy.

The Chinese kids look nervous, as Pip let's the ball fly. It
bounces around the entire gym, knocking down every Chink in
its path.

The Chinese kids all scream in pain and fall to the ground.

As Pip's violent fury ends, not a single China player is
standing.

ANNOUNCER
AND WINNER IS SOUTH PARK COWS!!

Chef can't believe it. VICTORY MUSIC begins.

PIP
Everyone, everyone look, I won the
game. we're world champions! Mr.
Chef, Mr. Chef, South Park is the
World Champion in dodgeball. Oh
glorious day.

CHEF
Shut up Pip.

The kids all moan.

STAN
Yeah, shut up pip. Can we go home
now?

PIP
Did you all see? I can't believe I
threw such a ball with my own arm.
It was...

KIDS
SHUT UP PIP!

EPILOGUE

The Mayor's voice chimes out from the P.A.

MAYOR
As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia
Awareness week draws to a close, I
would like to personally thank all
of you for your enthusiastic
cooperation. Now let's hear it ONE
MORE time for our WORLD CHAMPION
South Park Cows!!!

The townspeople cheer with fetuses attached to their heads.

The boys, all still bandaged and bruised look confused.

KYLE
What the hell is everybody wearing
on their heads?

Stan shrugs.

MAYOR
And now let's hear from the woman of
the week! The incredible, courageous
NURSE GOLLEM!!!!!

The townspeople all cheer again as Nurse Gollem takes the
stage.

KYLE
AAAGHHH!!!

STAN
DUDE IT'S THE FREAK NURSE!!

CARTMAN
HOLY CRAP!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all
WEEK against that kind of behavior!!

KYLE
Well, sorry, dude, we weren't here.

Nurse Gollem takes the stand.

NURSE
Thank you, Mayor... I, uh... I don't
know what to say, this has been quite
a week.

Kyle's mom wipes a tear from her eye.

KYLE'S MOTHER
She's really touched.

NURSE
What I really want to say is... Well,
this may sound odd coming from a
woman with a fetus sticking out of
her head, but you're all a bunch of
freaks.

Everyone looks surprised.

MAYOR
Uh... freaks with big hearts. And
now --

NURSE
Don't you realize that the last thing
I ever wanted was to be singled out?
I just wanted to do my job and live
my life like any normal person, but
instead you've made everybody focus
on my handicap all week long.

Everyone looks at each other.

NURSE
Look, I don't want to be treated
different. I don't want to be treated
special. Or treated gingerly. I just
want to be ridiculed, shouted at and
made fun of, like all the rest of
you do to each other. And take those
stupid things off your heads.

Nurse Gollem walks away, leaving the whole town to sit in
silence with their fetus masks.

Just keep cutting to different groups of people, all of whom
feel ridiculous and have nothing to say.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh my, what an ungrateful bitch.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Yeah, the nerve of some people.

KYLE
Hey! You know that nurse is actually
pretty cool!

STAN
Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes
her smarter.

CARTMAN
I love you guys... Oh screw you guys!

THE END

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