"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 204

"Ike's Wee Wee"

Written by

Trey Parker



EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Mr. Garrison stands in front of the chalkboard. It reads
"Drugs are Bad". The students are in their seats.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, let's take our seats.
This morning we're going to have a
special lecture from your school
counselor, Mr. Mackey.

The counselor steps in front of Mr. Garrison.

STAN
(under his breath)
Booooo.

COUNSELOR
Now, now who was that? That is not
appropriate behavior. Okay?

STAN
(in Mr. Mackey's voice)
I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, Okay?

COUNSELOR
Oh, that's okay. Just don't let it
happen again.

KYLE
(in Mr. Mackey's voice)
We won't let it happen again, Mr.
Mackey, Okay?

The boys laugh merrily.

COUNSELOR
Okay, Okay that's fine.

CARTMAN
(in Mr. Mackey's voice)
Okay?

COUNSELOR
Okay. Now, uh, as your counselor,
I'm here to tell you about drugs and
alcohol and why they are bad, okay?

The kids just sit there and blink.

COUNSELOR
So, first of all... Smokin's bad...
You shouldn't smoke. And uh, alcohol
is bad, you shouldn't drink alcohol.
And as for drugs, well, drugs are
bad you shouldn't do drugs. Okay,
that about wraps up my introduction,
now are there any questions? Yes,
Stan?

STAN
Why do dogs have cold noses?

COUNSELOR
Uh... I'm not sure.

STAN
Oh.

COUNSELOR
Now, uh, let's focus our discussion
first on Marijuana. Marijuana is
bad. And it also has a very distinct
smell, Okay? I'm going to pass around
just a little tiny bit, and I want
you all to take a smell, so you know
when someone is smokin' Marijuana
near you.

He hands a small tray with a bud of pot on it to the first
kid on the end. (Pip). Pip smells it, grimaces, then passes
it on.

COUNSELOR
Okay, Just take a smell, pass it on,
and when it gets back up to me, we'll
finish talking about it. In the
meantime, I want to get into alcohol
a little... Okay, Uh, alcohol is
bad... If you drink alcohol...

As the counselor AD LIBs the rest of his speech, the boys
whisper to each other.

KYLE
Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's
party this weekend?

STAN
Your little brother is having a party?
Why, is it his birthday?

KYLE
No, It's his Bris.

CARTMAN
What the hell is a Bris?

KYLE
I dunno. But there's gonna be lots
of food and a band!

CARTMAN
Oh, kick ass. I wanna have a Bris!

COUNSELOR
...and so that's why alcohol is bad.
Has that marijuana made it back up
here yet?
(no response)
No? Okay, let's talk about LSD... uh
children, LSD is bad. it's a drug
made famous by John Lennon and Paul
McCartney...

STAN
Hey, are we supposed to get your
little brother presents for a Bris?

KYLE
Uh... I'm not sure.

STAN
Well, dude, you better find out.

COUNSELOR
Boys are you paying attention?

STAN
(Mr. Mackey's voice)
Sorry, Mr. Mackey, okay?

COUNSELOR
Okay. Now children, has that marijuana
made it around yet?

No response.

COUNSELOR
Uh, who has the marijuana now?
(silence)
Okay, whoever has the marijuana just
pass it up to the front row.

No response.

COUNSELOR
Oh oh.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Principal Victoria is sitting at her desk with a stern look
on her face, and her hands folded.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I am VERY disappointed in you young
man... You should be ashamed of
yourself! What could have possessed
you to be so stupid?

Now we see who's sitting opposite the Principal: Mr. Mackey.

COUNSELOR
(Looking down)
I'm sorry, Principal Victoria.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, sorry isn't going to cut the
cheese, this time, mister. I'm afraid
I'm going to have to suspend you
from school.

COUNSELOR
You mean I'm fired?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, I guess that's the grown up
way to put it, yes.

COUNSELOR
But it was an honest error of
judgement, okay? I really thought it
was important for the kids to know
the smell of marijuana so that --

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
It was an error of judgement, Mr.
Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let
you go for it. We searched each one
of those kids but came up empty. We
had to let them go home, and one of
them now has half a lid of Jamaican
grass because of you.

COUNSELOR
(crying)
How am I going to make ends meet,
okay? What will I do for money?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
There, there now, maybe this will
all blow over someday and we can
give you a job as a janitor cleaning
up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.

COUNSELOR
(crying harder)
Ohh, okay? Oh-woa, okay?

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

The bus pulls away and the boys start walking home.

STAN
Man, that sucked getting searched.

CARTMAN
Yeah, my ass is killing me.

KYLE
Why did they search US? That marry-
Jew wanna never even made it to us.

CARTMAN
I wonder who took it...

INT. MR. GARRISON'S LIVINGROOM

Mr. Garrison is lit, and watching "tele-tubbies".

ANGLE ON TV.

ANNOUNCER
And now it's almost time for Bobo's...

Mr. Garrison just laughs.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Just then, Chef pulls up in his car.

CHEF
Hello there, children.

BOYS
Hey Chef.

KYLE
How's it going?

CHEF
Bad.

KYLE
Why bad?

CHEF
Children, I heard about what happened
at school today. Now... none of YOU
took that nasty marijuana, did you?

STAN
No dude, we never even saw it.

CHEF
Okay, because I just want to tell
you that drugs are bad.

STAN
We know, we know. That's what
everybody says.

CHEF
Right, but do you know why they're
bad?

KYLE
(quickly)
Because they are an addictive solution
to a greater problem causing disease
of both body and mind with
consequences far outweighing their
supposed benefits.

CHEF
And do you have any idea what that
means?

KYLE
No.

CARTMAN
I know. Drugs are bad. Because if
you do drugs, you're a hippy, and
hippies suck!

CHEF
Look, children, this is all I'm going
to say about drugs... Stay AWAY from
them. There's a time and a place for
everything -- and it's called college.
Do you understand?

BOYS
Sure.

CHEF
Okay.

Chef starts to walk away.

KYLE
Hey, are you gonna come to Ike's
Bris this weekend?

CHEF
Oh hell no. I can't bear to see that.

STAN
What do you mean?

CHEF
Don't you boys know what a Bris is?
They're going to circumcise him.

CARTMAN
What's that?

CHEF
Oh boy, here we go again...
(thinking)
Children, uhh... What's the one thing
that is more sacred to a man than
anything else in the world?

STAN
Uh, bicycles?

CARTMAN
Ham?

STAN
Not not ham, you fat fuck!

CARTMAN
Screw you! It's ham isn't it!

CHEF
No, no, no children, I'm talking
about the most important part of a
man's body.

The boys look confused.

KYLE
Your heart?

STAN
Your eyes?

Finally, Kenny gets it --

KENNY
OH! Mph rmpmh rm!

CHEF
That's right.

CARTMAN
Hey! My mom says you're not supposed
to call it a penis Kenny! You're
supposed to call it a fireman.

CHEF
A fireman?

CARTMAN
That's the proper way to say it. Or
else you get a spanking.

CHEF
Dammit, children, why do I always
have to be the one to explain all
this stuff to you. Ask your parents
for once!

Chef drives away.

KYLE
Hey! Wait!

The boys just stand there for a while.

STAN
Dude, something tells me this Bris
thing isn't good.

EXT. BAR - DAY

The counselor is walking alone down the desolate Avenue De
Los Mexicanos. His head is down, is hands in his pockets, as
snow gently falls around him. Just then a car drives by with
two parents in the car.

PARENT
HEY, MACKEY! YOU GOT ANY MORE POT?
MY FOUR YEAR OLD NEEDS A FIX!!

The parents laugh and drive away. Mackey lowers his head,
but another car pulls up.

PARENT #2
HEY, MACKEY! NOW WE SEE WHAT YOU AND
HOMER SIMPSON HAVE IN COMMON...
DOPE!!!

The parents laugh hysterically. Mackey cowers. Another car
pulls up.

PARENT #3
Hey, MACKEY!!

Mackey looks up to see a FULL STREAM OF CARS, hundreds of
them, all waiting in line to pull up and insult the counselor,
BEEPING their horns and YELLING.

COUNSELOR
UGH!!!

Mackey takes off into a building.

TILT UP to reveal that it is the South Park bar.

INT. SOUTH PARK BREW PUB

Mackey hops over to the bar and sits down.

BARTENDER
Hey, I don't think I've seen you
around here, before.

COUNSELOR
No, I just, I had to get away.
Okay?... I just lost my job...

BARTENDER
Oh, that's weak man. You know what
you need? You need a good stiff drink.

COUNSELOR
Oh, I don't drink. Okay?

BARTENDER
Trust me, man, it'll make you feel
better.

The bartender pushes a beer in front of Mr. Mackey.

COUNSELOR
Uh... Drinkin's bad...

Mackey looks at the glass... A deep, thinking gaze... Just
then, a little devil Mr. Mackey appears next to the
counselor's head.

DEVIL MACKEY
Go ahead... Drink the beer! It'll
calm you down.

Then, a little angel Mr. Mackey pops up on the other side.

ANGEL MACKEY
Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a
beer. Don't be such a pussy. Okay?

Mackey reaches out, takes the beer, and gulps down a large
sip very quickly.

BARTENDER
How do you feel?

The counselor belches.

COUNSELOR
About the same.

BARTENDER
Oh, you just need something a little
stronger...

The bartender pulls out a large bottle of scotch.

EXT. SOUTH PARK

Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are outside building a snow castle.

Suddenly, Stan comes running up.

STAN
Kyle!! You have to stop them!!!

KYLE
Stop who?

STAN
Dude! I found out what a Bris is! I
found out what they're gonna do to
Ike!!

KYLE
What?

STAN
They're gonna chop off his wee-wee!!

Perspective zoom on Kyle.

KYLE
Chop off his wee-wee?! Are you sure?!

STAN
Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition!
It's called a circumstition!

CARTMAN
Dude! That is NOT COOL! Chopping off
wee wees is NOT COOL!!!

KYLE
That can't be true! My parents
wouldn't DO that!

STAN
Dude, I asked FIVE DIFFERENT people!
They said all Jewish boys have
circumstitions, and they make it
into a party called a Bris!

CARTMAN
Dude! You... You don't just CHOP off
somebody's fireman!!

KYLE
I won't believe it! I won't! I have
to ask my mom and dad!!

Kyle runs towards his house. The boys follow.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Mackey walks down the lonely street, drunk off his ass.

COUNSELOR
(singing)
We are young... Okay? Heartache to
heartache we stand... Okay? No
promises, no demands.

Mackey stumbles up to a house, and tries the key, but the
key doesn't fit.

COUNSELOR
Is this my house?

HOMEOWNER
YOUR KEY AIN'T GONNA WORK, MACKEY! I
changed the locks!

Mackey turns to see the elderly homeowner, who has a stern
look on his face.

COUNSELOR
Why, Mr. Freely?

HOMEOWNER
I'm not renting to you anymore! I
heard you got fired from your job
for selling drugs to children!

COUNSELOR
No, no, no, Okay? ... It wasn't like
that.

HOMEOWNER
DRUGS ARE AN ILLEGAL NARCOTIC! AND
HAVING NEVER TAKEN DRUGS, I CAN SAY
THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER!

COUNSELOR
But I've never taken drugs either...

HOMEOWNER
I'VE never taken drugs and look at
me! I'm totally FINE!! Now get off
my property before I lose control
and KILL YOU!!!

The homeowner picks up a rock, and hurls it at Mackey. The
rock hits him in the head.

COUNSELOR
OW!! Okay?

The counselor falls to the ground.

HOMEOWNER
DRUG USER!! DRUG USER!!!

The counselor picks himself up and runs away to avoid more
rocks which fly at him.

ACT II

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Kyle and the boys bolt into the dining room, where his mother
and father are decorating.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Just a little higher.

KYLE
MOM! DAD!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh hi, boobala. I'm glad you're here,
you can help us decorate for the
party.

KYLE'S FATHER
Your mother made GaHekgafuga.

CARTMAN
What the hell is GaHekgafuga?

KYLE
Mom, dad... What EXACTLY is this
party for?

Kyle's mom and dad look at each other.

KYLE'S MOTHER
To celebrate your little brother's
passage into life.

KYLE
Meaning what?

KYLE'S FATHER
Meaning we're going to circumcise
him.

CARTMAN
They ARE gonna cut off his fireman!

KYLE'S MOTHER
It's Jewish tradition, boobie.

KYLE'S FATHER
Normally we do it right after the
baby is born. But we had to do it
later for Ike because he's a --

KYLE
Aaahhhhh

Kyle runs into his room.

Stan, Cartman and Kenny are left alone with the parents.

KYLE'S FATHER
Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan,
will you go talk to him?

The boys start to shake. From Stan's POV the parents mutate
into horrible monsters. They have huge, metallic claws for
hands.

KYLE'S PARENTS
LET US CUT OFF YOUR PEE-PEE STAN!!!

STAN
Aagh!!!

Stan runs away too. The parents, who of course are just their
normal selves, look at each other with puzzled faces.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oi, What is the matter with them?

INT. KYLE'S ROOM

KYLE
I can't believe my parents are
cannibals!

STAN
What are you gonna do, dude?

KYLE
I have to save my little brother! I
have to send him away until my parents
come to their senses!

Kyle opens his window and steps outside.

KYLE
Come on, Ike!

IKE
Baba mama simi sma!

KYLE
Cover me for a while, I'll find a
place to hide him and come back!

CARTMAN
No way, dude! We're not staying alone
in your house with your wee-wee
chopping parents!!

KYLE
Just give me thirty minutes! Come
on, IKE!

Kyle and Ike run off into the night. The boys swallow hard
and look scared.

EXT. ALLEY - SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

The counselor is curled up covered in newspaper trying to
sleep.

COUNSELOR
Oh... I can't sleep it's too cold.
Okay?

Suddenly, another bum pops up.

BUM
Hey, you want something to warm you
up?

COUNSELOR
Oh, I didn't know this dark alley
was taken...

BUM
Here, try this, it'll warm you up.

The bum hands the counselor a joint.

COUNSELOR
Uh... Marijuana's bad.

BUM
What?

COUNSELOR
Marijuana makes you feel depressed
and low. Okay?

BUM
And you don't feel that way now?

COUNSELOR
Good point.

The counselor grabs the joint and takes a huge drag.

COUNSELOR
Hmm... I don't feel any diff --
oooooooh. Baby, get down... Okay?

BUM
Uh huh.

COUNSELOR
Man, this alley is cool! It's so
alive and beautiful.

BUM
Oh boy.

EXT. SOUTH PARK TRAIN STATION - DAY

Kyle leads Ike by the hand up to the ticket window.

KYLE
Come on, Ike, hurry up!

IKE
Ay toda nur!

Kyle leads Ike up to the train guy.

KYLE
Where is the next train going?

TRAIN GUY
Lincoln, Nebraska train leaves in
five minutes.

KYLE
You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?

IKE
(No fucking way)
AH BABA SAMA!!!

KYLE
I need one ticket for my little
brother.

TRAIN GUY
That's a little brother? I thought
it was a trash can or something.
What's wrong with his head?

KYLE
Huh?

TRAIN GUY
I'm sorry, but we can't just throw
Caucasian babies on an outbound train.

KYLE
But my parents are gonna cut off his
ding dong!

TRAIN GUY
What?! Why the hell would they do
that?!

KYLE
They've just gone crazy for a while.
Please, mister, I have to hide my
brother until they come to their
senses.

TRAIN GUY
No can do, sonny.

KYLE
Dammit!

Kyle walks away.

But as he passes the train, he notices an open door. Kyle
looks around to see if anybody is watching.

KYLE
Ike, if you want to keep your penis,
you have to get on this train.

Just as the train starts to make noise and leave, Kyle kicks
Ike onboard.

KYLE
Ready Ike? Kick the baby!

IKE
Don't kik da --

KYLE
Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come
find you in Nebraska when mom and
dad are back to normal.

The train heads off.

EXT. WOODS

Mackey is walking around in the woods, looking haggard and
beaten.

COUNSELOR
Oh man, where am I?

A couple long haired hippies walk up to Mr. Mackey.

HIPPIE
Hey wow, it's that counselor from
elementary school, Mr. Mackey.

HIPPIE 2
Woa, dude.

COUNSELOR
Hi boys, how are you today?

HIPPIE
Pretty good, man, how are you?

COUNSELOR
Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked
out of town for doing drugs.

HIPPIE
Hey! US TOO!!

HIPPIE 2
Yeah, remember you caught us smokin'
weed in the bathroom and got us
suspended.

COUNSELOR
Oh... Oh fortune, how you mock me.

HIPPIE
Oh cheer up, bro, all you need is
some clear liquid to get your head
straight.

The hippie hands the counselor some clear liquid.

COUNSELOR
Uh, boys, LSD is bad.

Mackey quickly drops the acid.

COUNSELOR
(echoing)
Hmmm... Man, who put all this cotton
in my mouth?

Mackey's head starts to inflate like a giant balloon.

COUNSELOR
Yeah, baby. The world is so small.

Mackey's head detaches from his body and starts to float
away delicately.

COUNSELOR
I'm Free... I'm Free...

HIPPIE 2
Sweet dude, totally killer.

HIPPIE
That guy's totally tripping.

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

The boys are standing around Kyle who is making a ragged,
crappy looking doll.

KYLE
There, what do you think?

CARTMAN
What the hell is that supposed to
be?

KYLE
I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My
parents think he's out with me right
now, and I have to bring him back
for dinner.

STAN
Dude, I think your mom's gonna notice
that that isn't Ike.

KYLE
Not if I say he's sick and put him
to bed right away.

Just then, a large dog (The big mean one from Big Gay Al's)
comes up to the dummy and starts sniffing at it.

KYLE
No! go away! Bad dog!

STAN
Dude, what did you make that doll
out of?

KYLE
I used a bunch of bones from the
butcher shop.

CARTMAN
Is that why it stinks so bad?

Just then, the great balloon head of Mr. Mackey floats through
frame.

COUNSELOR
Hi boys...

BOYS
Hi, Mr. Mackey.

COUNSELOR
Are you boys staying out of trouble?

KYLE
Yes.

COUNSELOR
Okay, I'm just gonna go over here
for a while...

Mr. Mackey floats on through.

KYLE
Anyways, I need you guys to help me
so that my parents don't realize Ike
is gone.

The dog again tries to bite into the doll.

KYLE
Knock it off, asshole!

CARTMAN
No way! I'm NEVER going back to your
parents house!

STAN
Come on dude, if it were YOUR little
brother we'd help you!

The boys start to walk away. Just when they're all about out
of frame.

CARTMAN
Wait a minute! No you wouldn't!!

EXT. NEBRASKA TRAIN STATION

The train comes to a stop. Ike gets tossed out. Ike just
stands there looking around.

Finally, a conservative looking couple walks up.

WOMAN
Would you look at that, honey?
Somebody dropped off a perfectly
good trash can.

The couple walks off. Ike blinks, and then bounces off to
the corn fields of Nebraska.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Kyle walks in the door with his dummy Ike.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Boobie, where have you been?! Dinner's
been ready for five minutes.

KYLE
Sorry, mom, I just had to deal with
Ike. He's being cranky.

KYLE'S MOTHER
How is my little jelly bean?

KYLE
(throwing his voice)
Baba mimi sama.
(his own voice)
I'm gonna take him to the bathroom
to get washed up.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay, but first let mommy give you a
kiss.

The boys look worried.

KYLE
Uh, no mom, he doesn't want you
kissing him.

Mom walks over, Kyle tries to hold the Ike doll away. Just
then, the huge dog runs in the door and grabs the Ike doll
with his sharp teeth.

KYLE'S MOTHER
AAGHGH!!

In a split second, the dog rips the dummy Ike from Kyle's
grasp and starts shaking it violently around the room.

KYLE'S MOTHER
OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP!!

KYLE
PUT IT DOWN YOU STUPID DOG!!

But the dog tears the doll to shreds. Then runs outside with
it, and eats it in the road.

KYLE'S MOTHER
MY BABY, OH GOD THE HORROR!!!

KYLE'S FATHER
Get out of here you mutt. Let him
go.

Finally, a gas truck slams on its brakes, slams into the dog
and bursts into flames.

Kyle's mother hides her head in Gerald's chest.

KYLE'S MOTHER
(weeping)
Oh he's dead! He's dead! My little
boobala's dead!

KYLE'S FATHER
There, there, Sheila. There's nothing
we can do.

Kyle's father breaks out crying as well.

Kyle just stands there, looking nervous.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

A small coffin is lowered into the ground. Everyone is dressed
in black.

Kyle and Stan peer down into the large hole as the coffin
settles on the ground.

PRIEST
Yea... Usher us unto the Lord sayeth
some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes
dust to dust.

The priest throws some crap into the grave. A bagpipe player
starts to play 'Hava negila', horribly.

Everybody starts walking away.

KYLE
Hey wait a minute, how come Ike's
tombstone has a Canadian flag on it?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Well Boobie, there's something you
have to know. Ike wasn't really your
brother. He was adopted.

KYLE
WHAT?!

KYLE'S FATHER
He was not really a Broflovski. He
was Canadian. But we loved him all
the same.

KYLE
You mean to tell me that all this
time I've been trying to protect Ike
from having his fireman cut off and
he's not even my real brother?!

KYLE'S MOTHER
What are you talking about?

KYLE
Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in
Nebraska.

Kyle storms off with a pissed off look.

KYLE'S MOTHER
What what what?!?!

STAN
Dude, you shouldn't have told them
that. Now they're gonna find him and
cut off his penis.

CARTMAN
FIREMAN.

KYLE
Oh, who the hell cares. He's not
even my responsibility.

Kenny walks into an open grave and a tombstone falls on him
killing him.

STAN
Oh my God they killed Kenny!

KYLE
You bastards.

The crowd gathers around the open grave.

PRIEST
Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

The counselor, now wearing some cool clothes and beads walks
down Avenue De Los Mexicanos.

He passes Jimbo and Ned.

JIMBO
Get out of the way ya damn hippie.

COUNSELOR
I don't need to take your right wing
authoritative bull shit.

JIMBO
What?!

COUNSELOR
Oh, you're just like the government,
man. Trying to prosecute out of one
side of your mouth, Okay? While
supporting guns out of the other.
Okay?

JIMBO
Ah, why don't you go to a Grateful
Dead concert.

Jimbo and Ned walk off.

COUNSELOR
I Can't, man, Jer-bear's dead. Okay?

RACK FOCUS to an attractive young woman standing next to a
building.

HIPPIE WOMAN
Hey man, I overheard what you said.
That was cool.

COUNSELOR
What? Oh, thanks man.

HIPPIE WOMAN
Would you like to come over to my
place and fingerpaint?

COUNSELOR
Sure, man, fingerpaintin's cool.
Okay?

They walk off arm and arm.

EXT. NEBRASKA - DAY

Kyle gets off the train along with his mother and father.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Now where did you leave him, young
man?!

KYLE
Aw, how the hell should I know.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Gerald! Do something about your smart
ass son!!

KYLE'S FATHER
Uh... mind your mother, smart ass.

KYLE'S MOTHER
If we don't find him, so help me
you're gonna be grounded for a month!

The mother and father start looking around. Under benches
and inside mail boxes.

KYLE
All this time... 'Look out for your
little brother KYLE. Take care of
your little brother, KYLE'. And he
wasn't even really my little brother!!

KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle, just because Ike is adopted
doesn't make him any less your
brother.

KYLE
Yeah, right.

They come across the Nebraska Train Conductor.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Excuse me, we're looking for a two
year old Canadian Boy.

TRAIN GUY
(thinking)
Two year old Canadian boy... Two
year old Canadian boy... Oh, I think
they might have one of those down at
Haps bar.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Come on!!

EXT. HAPS BAR - NEBRASKA

It's a shithole.

INT. HAPS BAR - NEBRASKA

Kyle and his mom and dad walk into the crappy old bar and
look around.

They see a few truckers, drinking and listening to a slow
country song.

PAN along the room, slowly. It's pretty dead, nothing
unusual... Then the PAN does a double take --

There's Ike. Holding up a table with his head. Somebody has
chosen to use him as a table post. Ike blinks, happily.

KYLE'S MOTHER
IKE!!!

Kyle's mother runs to him, takes the table off his head and
embraces him.

BARTENDER
Hey lady! That's my table post! You
can't have that!

EXT. SOUTH PARK

The sun sets.

EXT. SOMEBODY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Mr. Mackey is lying naked (except for his tie) next to the
hippie girl. Both of them are staring up at the ceiling.

Fingerpaints are all over the place.

COUNSELOR
Wow, man... You know it's like...
You go through life thinking that
you're an individual, Okay? and then
you realize you're more than that.
We're all just one big individual.
Okay?

They just sit there for a few moments.

HIPPIE WOMAN
Let's get married... And have a
honeymoon in India.

COUNSELOR
Okay.

The counselor finally removes his tie. His head actually
balloons down to an almost normal shape.

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

KYLE'S FATHER
Now you march to your room! And think
about what you've done!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
But first, apologize to your brother!

KYLE
HE'S NOT MY BROTHER!!

KYLE'S FATHER
APOLOGIZE TO HIM!!!

KYLE
(very insincere)
I'm sorry Ike.

IKE
Baba toda nur!

Kyle walks into his room and slams the door. Ike looks sad.

EXT. INDIA - DAY

Mr. Mackey is hiking up a beautiful mountain that overlooks
the entire country. Ravi Shankar music plays in the
background.

HIPPIE WOMAN
Wow, this is so beautiful.

A white bird flies down and lands on Mackey's shoulder.

COUNSELOR
I am one with the animals. And the
trees.

HIPPIE WOMAN
And I am one with you.

MUSIC swells up.

COUNSELOR
(singing)
At long last I have found A true
reason to be... Now I feel I can
start a new....

Suddenly a group of five men, the "A-Team", jump Mackey and
start beating the shit out of him.

COUNSELOR
OW! HEY!

The men throw Mackey into the A-Team van and speed away,
leaving the hippie girl all alone.

HIPPIE WOMAN
Woa...

INT. CAR - INDIA

Mackey struggles to get up in the back seat, and sees that
he is in the moving car with Jimbo, Principal Victoria, Mr.
Garrison, Ned and A big buff guy.

COUNSELOR
What the hell is going on?!

JIMBO
Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking
you to rehab.

COUNSELOR
I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't
even done drugs in weeks!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
We were wrong for shunning you, Mr.
Mackey and we apologize. We should
have realized that you needed help.

MR. GARRISON
Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure
you get the help you need.

COUNSELOR
I don't want help!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Believe me, you'll thank us later.

The car speeds on.

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

A large banner is strung outside the house it says 'Welcome
to Ike's Funeral'. But 'funeral' is crossed out and BRIS is
written in its place.

A few cars pull up, and people are getting out with presents.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

The party has started. Several people are conversing and
drinking merrily.

Kyle's mother and father are standing by the door, welcoming
guests.

A man and woman walk in, bearing Bris gifts.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for
coming to Ike's Bris!

IKE
Oh, oh.

Another man walks in.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Look, Ike! It's your Uncle Murray!

UNCLE MURRAY
Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?

KYLE'S MOTHER
He's been sent to his room for being
a bastard. He's decided that Ike
isn't his brother, since he's adopted.

Ike looks sad, and bounces off towards Kyle's room. Another
guest walks in.

GUY
Hi there!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello... Do I know you?

GUY
Oh no, but I never miss a Bris! Here,
I brought some dip.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh... Thanks.

INT. KYLE'S ROOM

Kyle is pouting on his bed. Stan and Cartman are on the floor.

CARTMAN
Well... I guess the chopping is about
to commence.

Just then, Ike comes running in, holding a photo album.

IKE
A baba simi mama!

KYLE
What do you want?!

IKE
A baba simi

Ike hands Kyle the photo album, and opens it up to a page
with a picture of a younger Kyle, with a younger Ike. Kyle
is holding Ike in his arms.

KYLE
Oh no you don't... That isn't gonna
work on me, Canadian!

STAN
Maybe you're being too hard on him,
dude.

KYLE
No way. There's no real connection
between us. It was all a big lie.

Ike turns the page and points to more pictures. Then Kyle
looks up and sees that Ike has put on a green Kyle hat.

IKE
Cookie monter!

KYLE
Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through
getting in trouble for you!

Ike sadly bounces away.

Kyle looks again at the picture in the photo album, and
actually looks sad himself.

EXT. BETTY FORD CLINIC

It is peaceful and calm.

INT. BETTY FORD CLINIC

Mr. Mackey is in a room filled with other people getting
counseling.

SOCIAL WORKER
You have to admit you have a problem
before anybody can help you.

COUNSELOR
But I don't think I really have a
problem.

SOCIAL WORKER
Nonsense. You did DRUGS. I suppose
you forgot all about your family.

COUNSELOR
I don't really have a family.

SOCIAL WORKER
And you lost your job.

COUNSELOR
No, I lost my job before that.

SOCIAL WORKER
Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an
adult. The problem with drugs is
that people forget to stop doing
them. There's a time and a place for
everything Mr. Mackey, and it's called
college.

CUT TO:

Hippies are on the couch watching teletubbies.

SOCIAL WORKER
Now I want you to repeat after me...
Drugs are bad.

COUNSELOR
Drugs are bad.

SOCIAL WORKER
Drugs are bad.

COUNSELOR
Uh....Drugs are bad...

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

Kyle's mother answers the door. A Doctor makes his way in.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Hello, doctor Schwartz! Thank you so
much for coming all this way to
perform Ike's Bris.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought
the normal cutting device...

Doctor Schwartz holds up a metal tool.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
...But then I remembered that Ike
was Canadian. So I brought the right
one.

Doctor Schwartz holds up a completely different looking
device.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
Where is the little rugrat?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Right over here...

The doctor approaches Ike, who backs away slowly, looking
very scared.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
Come here, you...

IKE
AAAGHAGH!!!

Ike runs away.

INT. KYLE'S ROOM

Kyle is sitting on his bed, pouting. Stan, Kenny and Cartman
are standing next to Kyle as he looks through the photo album.

Ike comes running in.

IKE
Bo ham me!!

Kyle looks at Ike, then at the door...

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
Ike? Ike...

Ike jumps into Kyle's lap. Kyle looks surprised.

IKE
Kyle... Protect me.

Kyle looks almost like he wants to cry. MUSIC SWELLS. Ike
wraps his little arms around Kyle's neck. Kyle is shocked.

Just then, Kyle's door opens and the doctor walks in holding
his metal tool.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
There you are. Come on, Ike. It's
time. Kyle stands, Ike is still
holding onto him.

KYLE
YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE
BROTHER!!!

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
But son, I just --

KYLE
You aren't going to cut off his wee-
wee. Not today you sick ass weirdo!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, what are you talking about?

KYLE
AND YOU! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELF! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT
US MALES ARE DEFINED BY OUR FIREMEN?!

CARTMAN
Yes, the fireman is very magical. If
you rub his helmet he spits in your
eye.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
Kyle... A circumcision is very common
thing for Ike to have. His father
had it... His grandfather had it...
And... his BROTHER had it.

Kyle's eyes grow wide.

KYLE
No... No, it isn't true!

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
We're not going to cut it off. We're
just going to snip it, so that it
looks bigger.

STAN
Oh... Hey that doesn't sound like a
bad idea.

CARTMAN
Yeah, I wanna get a circumstition
too!

Kyle thinks.

EXT. BETTY FORD CLINIC

Mr. Mackey looks like his old self as he is led out the
clinic's door.

SOCIAL WORKER
Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are
fully recovered.

COUNSELOR
I can't thank you enough for
everything, okay. I feel like my old
self again.

SOCIAL WORKER
Just one more thing...

She takes Mackey's tie and puts it around his neck. She
tightens it so tight that his head goes back to the odd shape
it always was.

SOCIAL WORKER
Remember that you CAN stay sober!

COUNSELOR
I will, Ms. Social Worker, I will!
Okay?

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

Everybody is gathered around Ike and the Doctor in a big
circle with wide eyed anticipation.

KYLE
It's okay, Ike. I'm here.

DOCTOR SCHWARTZ
And a one, and a two and a... BRIS!
SNIP!

IKE
ABA BABA!!

Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny all pass out.

The small crowd does a cocktail clap and then immediately
starts dispersing and conversing.

Ike hobbles over to Kyle.

IKE
Baba ama mama.

Kyle wakes up.

KYLE
Ike... You're okay.

The boys all get up.

STAN
Wow, dude. I guess having a Bris
isn't all that bad.

KYLE
Yeah, you know I've learned something
today. Family isn't about who's blood
you have. It's about who you care
about.

STAN
Yeah.

KYLE
And that's why I feel like you guys
are more than just friends. You're
my family.

Everybody smiles and starts to wonder off.

KYLE
Except for Cartman.

STAN
Naturally.

CARTMAN
Screw you guys! I don't WANT to be
in your penis chopping family anyway!

EPILOGUE

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MR. GARRISON
And so now, children, your school
counselor is back. To tell you FIRST
HAND about his nasty experience with
drugs and alcohol.

Mr. Mackey walks up to the front looking like his old self.

COUNSELOR
Okay, kids, you shouldn't do drugs.
Okay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was
at the bottom of the barrel. I was a
wreck.

The kids stare on, wide-eyed.

COUNSELOR
Why, I didn't even care about
money....

Garrison shakes his head.

COUNSELOR
I was wasting my life, hiking in the
Himalayas.....

CARTMAN
Hey, you guys want to come to my
Bris tomorrow?

STAN
You can't have your Bris tomorrow
Cartman. That's when I'm having mine.

CARTMAN
No way, I set up mine first hippie.

COUNSELOR
Now boys, you need to listen up.
Okay? What I'm talking about might
save your life someday? Okay?

STAN
Okay, Mr. Mackey Okay?

COUNSELOR
Okay?

KYLE
Okay?

COUNSELOR
Okay?

CARTMAN
Okay?

COUNSELOR
Okay, Now as I was saying, Drugs are
bad. You shouldn't do drugs. If you
do them you're bad. Because drugs
are bad, Okay? It's a bad thing to
do drugs. So don't be bad by doing
drugs. Okay? That'd be bad, 'Cause
drugs are bad. Okay?

THE END

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