"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 203

"Chickenlover"

Written by

Trey Parker, Matt Stone and David Goodman



ACT I

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

The Booktastic Bus, a rainbow colored bookmobile, is parked
out in front of the school.

GARRISON
Okay, children. Each of you gets to
choose two books from the booktastic
bus.

CARTMAN
Reading sucks ass.

GARRISON
Eric! Shut up!

The boys are looking at a wide selection of books that adorn
the shelves of the bookmobile.

KYLE
Boring... Boring... Gay... Boring...
Boring.

Stan digs at the front of the bookmobile.

STAN
Hey you guys, check out these books.

The other boys join him.

STAN
(reading the cover)
'Sabrina Unchained'.

The boys all grab books in the Sabrina series.

KYLE
Wow, these books look cool!

The boys open them. Their eyes grow wide.

CARTMAN
(Flipping through)
Hey, there's a lot of big words in
these books!

KENNY
Mrm pr mpm rpm rpmrp!

Just then the Bookmobile driver, a fruity little guy wearing
a rainbow shirt, notices them.

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
Hello kids! I see you're discovering
the magic of reading!

KYLE
Who are you?

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
I drive the booktastic bus! Where
magic begins! You see, reading opens
up whole new worlds to you. You can
take a canoe down the Amazon, or go
back in time to Camelot, or become a
race car driver... all by just opening
a book. Just like magic! The magic
of reading!

CARTMAN
God, shut up, dude.

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
Go ahead and pick any books you like.
Then give in... Give in to the magic!

He skips away.

STAN
If we read are we gonna become like
that guy?

KYLE
Yeah, this is stupid. Books aren't
magical.

CARTMAN
I don't know, I'm kind of getting a
tingly feeling looking at these...

Cartman is looking at Sabrina Unchained.

The boys hear some commotion from across the street. It's a
loud, screaming chicken, followed by some screams.

KENNY
Mph mmph?

STAN
I don't know. Let's go see.

EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - EST.

INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - DAY

Barbrady is driving in his car as a COPS film crew shoots
him. Everything is shot in COPS style. A TITLE at the bottom
reads 'Officer Barbrady South Park P.D.'

BARBRADY
Well, being an officer of the peace
means a lot of things. It's a hard
job, but then again, I'm a hard man.
A lot of people think that in a small
town there isn't a lot for the law
to do, well, they're wrong.

EXT. CUTAWAY OF BARBRADY'S CAR

RADIO
All units, all units, report to 254
Avenue De Los Mexicanos.

INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - MOVING

RADIO
...Possible hostile situation.

Barbrady throws on his lights and speeds away.

BARBRADY
There! You see! This could be a bank
robbery! Or possibly even a MURDER!
This ain't no podunk little town!

RADIO
And Barbrady, your wife called she
wants you to get some pizza on the
way home.

BARBRADY
God dammit!

EXT. RANCH - DAY

Title "Hostile Situation Downtown South Park".

The boys have already joined an angry crowd that has gathered
around a chicken cage.

Barbrady pulls up in his car, followed by the COPS camera
crew.

BARBRADY
Okay people, move along! There's
nothing to see here!

Barbrady gets up to the rancher.

BARBRADY
What's the trouble? Where's the body?!

RANCHER
Barbrady! I just caught some guy in
here having sex with one of my
chickens!!

Barbrady looks kind of embarrassed. He glances at the cops
crew.

BARBRADY
Uh... Oh.

The Rancher points to the cage. Inside, is a normal looking
chicken, eating some feed.

WOMAN
My God! That's disgusting!

STAN
Whoa dude! How do you have sex with
a chicken!

BARBRADY
Boys! You move along, this isn't for
young eyes to see!

The boys don't move.

BARBRADY
Did you get a good look at the
suspect?

RANCHER
Naw I didn't see anything! It just
happened so fast.

The COPS crew roll their eyes.

BARBRADY
Well, this is quite interesting, huh
guys?

COPS CAMERAGUY
Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch
and maybe get some shots of those
turtles down at the pond.

The Cops crew walks away. Barbrady is bummed.

BARBRADY
Aw, camel poo.

KYLE
Hey, what's this?

Kyle picks up a piece of paper off the ground.

STAN
It look's like a note.

BARBRADY
(grabbing the note)
Give me that! That's a clue and you'll
get your stinky DNA all over it!

RANCHER
What does it say?

Over Barbrady's shoulder, we can see that it reads:

Another chicken gets it tomorrow!

Barbrady looks at the note and studies it for a second. He
appears to have trouble focusing on it.

BARBRADY
Uh... it says... Uh... Sorry I had
sex with a chicken, I won't do it
again. Bye-bye."

Barbrady folds the note and puts it away.

BARBRADY
Well, there you have it. Case closed.

RANCHER
Damnit Barbrady, what the hell's
wrong with you? Every time something
happens in this town you say, 'nothing
to see here', and 'case closed'. But
we want justice! We have to find
this sick-o.

BARBRADY
I said return to you homes! Before I
start arresting people!

PRIEST
For what? ORDERLY conduct!

BARBRADY
How about fishing without a license?

RANCHER
I'm not fishing!!!

BARRBADY
What do you call this then?

Barbrady pulls out a fishing pole from behind him.

BARBRADY
If you do not comply, I'll be forced
to execute each and every one of you
by gunshot to the head!!!

The crowd disperses, one by one.

BARBRADY
That's right, return to your simple
lives, just forget this ever happened.
Forget... FOR-GET...

Finally everyone but the boys is gone, and Barbrady walks
off.

KYLE
Wow... Barbrady sure is acting weird.

STAN
Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.

EXT. BARBRADY'S CAR - PARKED - EST.

Barbrady get's in the front seat and slams the door behind
him.

INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - PARKED

We see his point of view as he looks at the note found on
the ground.

It is written in Greek.

Barbrady sighs deeply, then crumples up the note and speeds
off.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Barbrady pulls up to a familiar red Stop sign. He looks at
it. It has Klingon letters on it.

EXT. FRAN'S DRIVE-THRU

Barbrady pulls up to the speaker.

SPEAKER
Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?

Barbrady looks at the menu. From his POV, the letters seem
to be twisting and turning incoherently. They don't make any
sense.

SPEAKER
Sir, can I help you?

The letters come to life, they seem to laugh at Barbrady.

BARBRADY
Uh... Just give me two cheeseburgers
and some jalapeno poppers.

SPEAKER
Sure, there's just one problem.

OFFICER BARBRADY
What's that?

SPEAKER
We're a bank.

Sure enough, right on top of the speaker is a sign that says
in big letters "Fran's National Bank".

BARBRADY
I know that, smarty-pants! What, do
you think I'm some kind of idiot?

SPEAKER
Yes.

Barbrady thinks for a moment.

BARBRADY
Hmm.

Finally, he speeds off.

INT. BARBRADY'S CAR - DRIVING

BARBRADY
I can't go on living this lie!

INT. TELEVISION

A graphic of scared chickens is beside the anchor's head.

ANCHOR
With chicken after chicken being
violated, the South Park police are
under increasing pressure to solve
the case of the chickenfucker. We
now go live to a press conference
where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor
are fielding questions --

INT. POLICE STATION

Barbrady stands behind a podium with mics in his face.

REPORTER
Officer Barbrady, what would drive a
man to such a disgusting act?

BARBRADY
Well, nobody can say for sure. No
motive has yet been established.

REPORTER
Do the police have any leads?

BARBRADY
Well, both 3-D computer modelling
and intensive seismology have not
given us any leads as of yet.

REPORTER #2
But has chickenfucker left any clues
at the crime -- ?

BARBRADY
ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I CAN'T READ!!!

Silence. Barbrady's voice reverberates for a second. Everyone
else stands in shock.

BARBRADY
There I said it! I can't read! Are
you happy now? You pushed and you
pushed and now you all know my
terrible secret!! I'm illegitimate!!
I'M NOT FIT TO BE A POLICEMAN!! I
RETIRE!!!

Barbrady storms off Silence. Nobody says anything.

MAN
Okay, thank you all for coming.
There's coffee and brownies out front.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

ANCHOR
And so, Officer Barbrady has taken a
leave of absence. And South Park
will have to manage without any police
force for a while --

A brick suddenly lands on the anchor's desk. He reads off
it.

ANCHOR
-- This just in! South Park has just
plunged into TOTAL ANARCHY!! Exactly
2 seconds after the retirement of
Officer Barbrady, looting and
pillaging erupted in the quiet
mountain town!

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Once again the town is being destroyed. Only this time, it
is by the citizens themselves. Buildings are on fire. Women
and men booze it up. Cars crash into buildings.

TOWNSPERSON
Whoopeee! This is killer!!

TOWNSMAN
With no cops around, we can do
whatever we want!

The boys are watching the South Park riots from across the
street.

KYLE
Woa, dude, what's going on?

STAN
I don't know.

Some random people overturn a car. It lands on top of Kenny.

STAN
OH MY GOD!! THEY'VE KILLED --

But then, the overturned car door opens, and Kenny walks
out, brushing himself off.

STAN
Oh, never mind.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE

The mayor is looking out the window at the chaos.

MAYOR
I don't believe it... All this time
Barbrady actually did keep this town
peaceful.

ASSISTANT #2
Who knew? I always thought he was a
complete idiot...

MAYOR
He is...

Suddenly, all the reporters break into the Mayor's office.

REPORTER
Mayor! What do you plan to do about
the South Park riots?

MAYOR
(holding up her hands)
No reason for concern. I want to
assure all of you -- that Officer
Barbrady is STILL our active police
force.

REPORTER
But he's illiterate. What do you
plan to do?

MAYOR
Uh, plan? I don't actually --

The Mayor's assistant pops in frame and answers for her.

ASSISTANT
Reading classes. Plain and simple.
By the Mayor's order, Officer Barbrady
is on a temporary leave of absence
to learn to read. Effective
immediately.

MAYOR
Yes, that's right. It's back to school
with Officer Barbrady!

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM

Garrison stands at the head of the class.

MR. GARRISON
Now children, we have a new student
joining us today. Please say hi to
Officer Barbrady.

Barbrady is sitting in the middle of the kids, sticking out
like a sore thumb.

STAN
(Behind Barbrady)
I can't see, dude!

MR. GARRISON
Okay, now since our focus has been
on reading, let's review some of the
basics.

Barbrady raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON
Yes, what is it?

OFFICER BARBRADY
I need to go poopies.

Garrison thinks.

MR. GARRISON
Officer Barbrady, in school we go to
the bathroom before and after class.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?!

GARRISON
Now, does anyone have any suggestions
where we should begin with Officer
Barbrady?

KYLE
How about a brain transplant?

GARRISON
Now Kyle, let's be supportive of our
new student give him the nurturing
environment he needs to thrive. Now,
I'm going to write a sentence, and I
want us all to help Officer Barbrady
read it.

Garrison writes a sentence on the blackboard; 'Oprah Winfrey
has huge knockers.'

MR. GARRISON
Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Uh... O... O...

MR. GARRISON
BZZZT!!! WRONG!! Try again, dumbass!!

Garrison slaps his knee and laughs.

GARRISON
(drying his eyes)
Okay, okay... Maybe we should try
something a little easier. We can
work our way up to the hard ones --

He writes 'The hat is red.' on the board.

GARRISON
Go ahead, Barbrady. Don't be scared.

BARBRADY
Uh....... O.....

GARRISON
BZZZZZ!!!!! DER!! DID YOU HEAR THAT
MR. HAT?!!!

MR. HAT
I SURE DID MR. GARRISON!!! WHAT A
RETARD!!!

Garrison laughs so hard he falls on the floor. He just laughs
and laughs and laughs.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Did you kids actually learn how to
read this way?

STAN
No, we just fake it to shut him up.

Garrison is up at the front, still laughing and tearing up.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, okay, I'm sorry... I'm
sorry..Let's try again...

EXT. SOUTH PARK - FARM

Three chickens are in their coop, bawking quietly.

Then, a human shadow falls over the chickens as the door the
coop opens. The chickens look over and rustle their feathers.

VOICE (O.S.)
Say... What are nice chickens like
you doing in a coop like this?

ACT II

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The kids and Barbrady sit in their desks.

MR. GARRISON
Now children, I hope you all had a
good time reading your books, and
are prepared for your book reports.

Cartman looks around nervously.

MR. GARRISON
Who should we have go first, Mr.
Hat? Let's see...

CARTMAN
(Throwing his voice)
Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?

MR. GARRISON
Eric, why don't you go first.

CARTMAN
Ooh...

MR. GARRISON
What's the matter, Eric? Are you not
prepared again?

CARTMAN
I'm prepared!

Cartman storms to the front.

CARTMAN
(Hands behind back)
For my book report, I read 'The Lion
The Witch and the Wardrobe'. It was
very very good. Have you read it Mr.
Garrison?

MR. GARRISON
No, I can't say that I have.

CARTMAN
(Lighting up)
Oh, good!
(Happily)
In 'The Lion, The Witch and the
Wardrobe', a bunch of, uh, hippies
walk around and paint stuff. They
eat lunch, and then they find a
magical... camel, which they have to
eat to stay alive. And that's pretty
much it, I give it a B minus.

Cartman smiles broadly.

MR. GARRISON
And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit
down.

CARTMAN
Aw, DAMMIT!

The kids all laugh merrily.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't
you give us your book report?

Barbrady walks up to the front.

OFFICER BARBRADY
I have just finished reading the
heart warming novel 'Go Dog Go'. I
found it a compelling and disturbing
look at the canine psyche'. If I may
read a passage:

Barbrady pulls out the book.

OFFICER BARBRADY
(Reading)
Big dog..... Little dog..... A red
dog..... On a.....

The kids blink.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, anyway, I don't want to give
away the ending, but I will say that
it spirals toward an incredible twist
turn that parallels my own life.

Barbrady heads back to his desk.

MR. GARRISON
Thank you, Officer Barbrady, that
was a very good book report, indeed.
I'll give you an A.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Hooray!!

CARTMAN
(Quietly, to Barbrady)
Goodie two-shoes!!

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

PAN along the playground, where all the children are enjoying
various activities.

SETTLE on the swingset, where Barbrady and Kenny and a little
girl are swinging.

BARBRADY
(Singing)
Swingset, swingset up and down I
go... Whoosh goes the willy wind
blowing through my toes...

Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand off to the side, tossing a red
ball back and forth.

STAN
Dude, I think Officer Barbrady enjoys
being at school at little too much.

KYLE
Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be
learning how to read?

Barbrady swings higher on the swingset, higher.

BARBRADY
SWINGSET! SWINGSET! UP AND DOWN I
GOOO!!!!

Suddenly, the Mayor and her assistants walk in.

MAYOR
OFFICER BARBRADY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Suddenly, Barbrady stops swinging. The force of the sudden
stop causes Kenny to fly out of his swing, and smash into a
brick wall.

STAN
Oh, my God! They killed --

Kenny gets up and waves it off.

STAN
Oh, never mind.

MAYOR
Well, how's the reading coming along?!

OFFICER BARBRADY
Oh, pretty good...

MAYOR
Barbrady... We really need you to
speed this up. The chickenfucker
struck again last night.

KYLE
Oh, no!

BARBRADY
Oh Mayor please, when we're around
children we prefer to call him the
Chicken LOVER.

ASSISTANT
This time he made love to Carla
Weathers prize chicken. She's
catatonic

OFFICER BARBRADY
Who, Carla Weathers or the chicken?

MAYOR
The perpetrator left this clue at
the crime scene.

BARBRADY
I can't read this, it has silent
e's.

The Mayor gets in Barbrady's face.

MAYOR
You have to learn to read faster,
Barbrady!

BARBRADY
I'm doing the best I can!! I even
got an A on my book report!

MAYOR
Listen, buddy, either you learn to
read QUICK or else I'm going to find
a law officer to replace you FOREVER!!

The Mayor and her assistants walk off.

While leaving, one of the assistants grabs the red ball from
the boys and pops it.

The boys look sad.

ASSISTANT #2
Hey, What'd ya do that for?

ASSISTANT
Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry.

They all leave.

Barbrady looks sad as the other boys gather around him.

BARBRADY
Oh boy, I am in big trouble... I'll
never learn to read fast enough, and
the town is in chaos.

STAN
It's cool dude, we'll help you.

BARBRADY
Hey, that's right... You CAN help
me!! Under Article 39 section 2 of
Police code, I am allowed to deputize
citizens in a time of crisis.

Cartman eyes light up!

CARTMAN
REALLY? I wanna be a cop!

BARBRADY
You boys will be my deputies, you
can help me restore order, catch the
chickenlover, and swing me on the
swingset.

CARTMAN
Do I get a nightstick?!

BARBRADY
Sure, nightsticks for everybody!!

Barbrady throws Cartman his night stick.

BARBRADY
You keep a tab on crime in the city,
and we'll try to solve the
chickenlover case!

CARTMAN
10-4, Sergeant!

Cartman dashes off.

BARBRADY
Now, what did that clue say again?

STAN
'If you want to know where I'll strike
next, read Bumbly Wumbly And the
Spotted Spacecraft'!

BARBRADY
To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We
haven't a moment to spare!

BOYS
Hooray!!

EXT. BOOKMOBILE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. BOOKMOBILE

The boys burst in.

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
Good day good friends! Welcome to
the magical world of reading.

BARBRADY
We need a copy of "Bumbly Wumbly and
the Spotted Spacecraft" right away!

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
Ooooow! That's a very magical book,
full of wondrous --

BARBRADY
Aw, just give us the damn book,
fruitcake!

The driver hands over the book. Barbrady opens it.

KYLE
What's it say?

BARBRADY
It says 'Mah... Mah...' Uh, what's
this word?

STAN
I.

BARBRADY
Oh yeah, 'I... Mah... Mah...'

KYLE
Here give me that.
(Reading)
'I am Bumbly Wumbly, I live in the
pond'.

STAN
A pond. Hey, maybe that means Stark's
Pond.

BARBRADY
That's quick thinking, deputy! Let's
get to Stark's pond immediately!

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Starsky and Hutch THEME MUSIC kicks in as Cartman comes
driving in a BIG-WHEEL cop car.

Cartman puts on some shades as he drives down the street,
chewing gum and feeling ultra cool.

Suddenly, a nice car speeds past him.

CARTMAN
Hey!

Cartman hits the uplights and sirens.

The car pulls over. Cartman gets out of the Big wheel, pulls
up his pants and approaches the car.

He knocks on the window with his billy club. Stan's dad rolls
it down.

STAN'S DAD
Yes Officer?

CARTMAN
I clocked you at 40 miles an hour
back there. Do you know what the
speed limit is here?

STAN'S DAD
Well according to that sign right
there, it's 40 miles an hour.

Sure enough, there is a sign right in front of them that
reads 'SPEED LIMIT 40 MILES AN HOUR.'

CARTMAN
Step out of the car please, sir.

STAN'S DAD
(Stepping out)
Wait a second, aren't you Stan's
little friend?

CARTMAN
Sir, step out of the car please.

STAN'S DAD
Yeah! You're the one who always plugs
up the toilet at our house.

CARTMAN
AY! I'm a COP! And you WILL respect
my authority.

STAN'S DAD
(laughs)
Yeah right! You better get back to
school, little boy.

Cartman takes out his nightstick.

CARTMAN
GET YOUR ASS TO JAIL!

Suddenly, Cartman smacks Stan's Dad in the knee with his
nightstick.

STAN'S DAD
Ow!!! Hey what the hell are you doing?
You can't do that!... Ow!

CARTMAN
Sweet.

Cartman starts beating Stan's dad senseless.

EXT. STARK'S POND - NIGHT

A small crowd has gathered around a solitary chicken that
looks completely normal and eats feed.

BARBRADY
Oh weak, dude, we're too late!

STAN
Well, the chickens don't seem to
really mind.

PRIEST
Well this is terrible. Now who would
have sex with a chicken?

HALFIE
I would!

Everyone looks over.

MR. GARRISON
You couldn't screw anything, halfie!
You don't have any legs!!

HALFIE
Oh... yeah.

Halfie walks on his arms away. The priest calls after him.

PRIEST
Have some respect for people's
feelings! Would ya Halfie?

Kyle, Stan and Barbrady run up.

BARBRADY
Come on, dudes, we need to look for
another clue.

Kyle starts searching the ground. Stan follows.

KYLE
Here! Here!! I found one!

STAN
What's it say? What's it say?!!!

KYLE
It says read 'Teetle the Timid Taxa...
Taxa..' the Taxi... What's this word?

STAN
I don't know.

Kyle turns to Barbrady.

BARBRADY
(struggling to read)
'T...Ta....Ta... TAXIDERMIST!!

Everyone gasps. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC blows, Barbrady looks
extremely proud of himself. A few townspeople applaud.

BARBRADY
I read it! I read it all by myself!

Everyone CHEERS.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Video style footage of Cartman on his Big Wheel.

*NOTE - All of the following scene should parody COPS.

CARTMAN
Yeah, I've been working this beat
for about three days now... You
definitely have to have pretty thick
skin, or else these people they just
walk all over you. Sometimes you
have to go undercover to get the
worst of 'em.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

Cartman is standing in the street, still in COP gear, but
with a pink skirt around his waist.

He is walking up and down the street pretending to be a
hooker. A title comes up 'Prostitution Sting 9:42 p.m.
westside.'.

Finally a car comes pulling up.

MAN
Hi there, little lady.

CARTMAN
Well hi there. What are you doing
tonight?

MAN
Well, hopefully spending some time
with you, gorgeous. Is twenty dollars
enough?

CARTMAN
Sir, step out of the car please.

MAN
What? Oh oh, is this a bust?

CARTMAN
Sir, step out of the car.

The guy gets out.

MAN
Hey wait a minute... You're just a
KID!

CARTMAN
Maybe THIS will teach you to listen
to AUTHORITY!!!

Cartman smacks the guy in the shins.

MAN
OWWWW!!!... Owwww. Hey man, what are
you doing? Owww, stop it.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Cartman's back on his big wheel.

CARTMAN
(To camera)
Yeah, sometimes upholding the law is
messy. But you get by...

FADE TO TITLE 'CARTMAN' written like 'COPS'

CARTMAN
...One day at a time.

FADE OUT:

ACT III

EXT. LIBRARY - NIGHT

Establishing.

TOWNSPERSON
I got a TV. Shhhh come on.

INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT

Barbrady is alone at a large desk with a huge book in front
of him.

BARBRADY
(Reading)
Teetle the timid Taxidermist... Loves
to...
(to himself)
Oh, God damn reading is lame!

Stan and Kyle walk up.

KYLE
How's it going, dude?

BARBRADY
Terrible. I give up. I'm not fit to
be a cop!!

Barbrady breaks down crying.

STAN
Come on dude, it's not that hard!

BARBRADY
IT IS TOO!!

KYLE
Just read the sentence.

BARBRADY
Teetle the Timid taxidermist, loves
to go to the pet -- pet --

KYLE
Come on, dumbass, you can do it!

BARBRADY
Pet... Wait a minute...

A flashback balloon of Mr. Garrison pops up.

MR. GARRISON
Conjugate the verb... Conjugate the
verb.

MR. HAT
Yes, conjucate the verb.

DRAMATIC MUSIC! Barbrady stands up.

BARBRADY
PetTING. PETTING ZOO. He loves to go
to the petting zoo!! Boys! We're
off!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

Cartman is driving his big wheel down the street. (Everything
is shot from a 'passenger' seat POV)

A small TITLE reads "Dep. Eric Cartman Street Patrol".

Suddenly, a crackling comes over the radio.

RADIO
All units, all units 512 at 635 Avenue
De Los Mexicanos, request
assistance...

Cartman hits his lights and drives faster down the street.

EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE

Now the TITLE changes to 'Domestic Disturbance 4:38 pm Lower
East Side'.

Cartman walks up to the door and knocks on it with his
nightstick.

The door opens to reveal Kenny's father.

CARTMAN
Sir, could you step out of the car
please?

KENNY'S DAD
We're fine, officer.

The video camera ZOOMS IN to reveal that Kenny's Dad has a
black eye.

CARTMAN
And, uh, who, who's in here with
you?

KENNY'S DAD
Just me and my wife and my brother,
and my wife's cousin and his son and
my brother's girlfriend and our two
kids --

Kenny and his brother appear in the doorway.

KENNY
Mrph mrmmh mremm.

KENNY'S DAD
-- and my brother's girlfriend's
mother and this guy Bob who I met
last year.

CARTMAN
(To camera)
Poor people tend to live in clusters.

KENNY'S DAD
What, what did you say?

CARTMAN
Nothing. Now, sir, is there some
kind of --

Suddenly, Kenny's mom appears in the doorway.

KENNY'S MOTHER
I WANT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE! HE AIN'T
WORTH A (BEEP) HE CAN'T EVEN HOLD A
(BEEEP) JOB!!

KENNY'S DAD
SHUT UP, BITCH!

Kenny looks at his mother.

CARTMAN
Okay, let's try to watch the language.
There's children present here.

KENNY'S MOTHER
YOU LAZY ASS MOTHER(BEEEP)!

KENNY'S DAD
LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO MY (BEEEP)ING
EYE!!!

KENNY'S MOTHER
I'LL DO IT AGAIN!

Kenny's mom smacks his dad in the eye. Kenny laughs his ass
off.

KENNY'S BROTHER
Mom hit dad again.

CARTMAN
(To camera)
Now, the first thing to do in domestic
disturbance calls like this one is
to just calm everybody down.
(To parents)
RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!

Cartman hauls off and starts beating the crap out of both of
them. Kenny's mother and father YELL and SCREAM as they get
pummeled IN THE SHINS with Cartman's vengeful stick.

Kenny and his brother laughs hysterically.

Just then, a voice blasts over Cartman's radio.

RADIO
ALL UNITS! ALL UNITS!! WE HAVE A 5-
20 ON THE SUSPECT! REPORT TO THE
SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO IMMEDIATELY!!

CARTMAN
(To himself)
Chickenlover...

EXT. SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO

PAN along the animals, all of which are being petted by
children, who all look completely bored.

The Pan SETTLES on a chicken, which looks scared, and is
surrounded by Barbrady, Stan and Kyle who are all trying to
protect it.

BARBRADY
Keep your eyes peeled, boys.
Somebody's going to make love to
this chicken any minute...

The chicken's eyes grow wide.

STAN
Maybe we were wrong about the clue.

KYLE
Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.

BARBRADY
Oh, no...

But just then, a loud rustling is heard.

BARBRADY
Shh!

All is quiet... Barbrady and the boys look around carefully.
Behind them, a hand reaches out and grabs the chicken!!

CHICKEN
BA-GWAKK!!

-- But nobody notices.

BARBRADY
Keep your eyes peeled!

STAN
LOOK!!

Stan turns to the bush, where rustling is going on.

KYLE
HE'S HERE!!

BARBRADY
GRAB HIM!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

Cartman races down the street, with lights and sirens blaring.

CARTMAN
DAMMIT! Can't this thing go any
faster?!?!

Cartman bites into a donut.

EXT. SOUTH PARK PETTING ZOO

Barbrady emerges from the bushes with the chickenfucker in
hand. He is wearing an obvious Richard Nixon mask on his
face, and has a small gun in his hand.

The suspect spins around and pushes Barbrady away. He fires
his gun, but Barbrady dodges it, and the bullet hits Kenny.

STAN
Oh my God! They've killed --

But again, Kenny gets up. He looks at his hand which has
been shot, but appears fine.

STAN
God dammit!

Barbrady finally gets a hold of the suspect and subdues him.

BARBRADY
I knew it was you all along, Richard
Nixon!!

STAN
Uhh... I think that's a mask, dude.

BARBRADY
Oh.

Barbrady rips off the mask to reveal --

KYLE
Woa dude! It's the bookmobile driver!!

BARBRADY
Caught you red handed!!

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
Indeed you did!! How did you know I
would strike here?

BARBRADY
By reading Teetle the Timid
Taxidermist!

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
YOU DID?! REALLY?! THEN IT WORKED!!
MY WHOLE PLAN WORKED ABSOLUTELY
PERFECTLY!!!

STAN
What are you talking about dude?

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
When I heard that Officer Barbrady
couldn't read, I knew I had to
motivate him somehow! So I formulated
a plan to encourage him to learn the
magic of reading!!

KYLE
So you fucked a bunch of chickens?

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
YES! YES! EXACTLY!!! Don't you see,
only by fucking chickens could I get
Officer Barbrady to become literate!

Everyone thinks, and tries to make this make sense.

STAN
That doesn't make a whole lot of
sense dude.

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
Oh no? He who was blind can now see!
I got Officer Barbrady to read. My
plan worked perfectly!!!

Stan and Kyle look at each other, absolutely baffled.

BARBRADY
Well... I guess I should say thanks?

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
You're welcome. And now, my reading
friend, you've proven that you are
ready for the big time. I give you
this hardback copy of 'Atlas Shrugged'
by Ayn Rand.

The driver hands Barbrady the book.

Suddenly --

CARTMAN
FREEZE! Put your hands in the air!!

KYLE
Cartman!

They look over. Cartman is there holding up his mighty
nightstick.

CARTMAN
I got reports that the suspect is in
this area.

KYLE
Well, he is... It turns out that the
bookmobile driver here was the one
making love to chickens.

CARTMAN
Ah-HA!!

Cartman walks over and starts beating the bookmobile driver
in the shins relentlessly.

BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
AAGHAGH!! That hurts!!

KYLE
Woa, dude!

STAN
Cartman!

Barbrady rushes over and picks Cartman up.

BARBRADY
No, no! That's not how you uphold
the law!

CARTMAN
But he is not listening to my
AUTHORITY!!

BARBRADY
Oh, oh, you've got it all wrong my
little friend. You do it like this --

Barbrady whips around and starts beating the chickenfucker
in the head with his stick.

BARBRADY
You got to get them in the head,
they go down quicker.

The chickenfucker falls to the ground unconscious.

CARTMAN
Ohhh...

KYLE
I guess you should leave police work
to the professionals, huh Cartman?

BARBRADY
Well, anyway, I'm relieving you of
your duties. I've proved that I can
read and now I'm BACK ON THE JOB!!

STAN AND KYLE
Hooray!!

Barbrady starts to walk off.

STAN
Hey, so what are you going to do
now?

BARBRADY
(Stopping)
Now?

Barbrady holds up 'Atlas Shrugged'

BARBRADY
Well, I... I think I'll get in the
bathtub, and then curl up with a
good book!

Triumphant MUSIC plays as Barbrady gives a happy thumbs up.
FREEZE FRAME on Barbrady while the music plays for quite a
while.

Title: Executive Producer "Robert T. Pooner"

CUT BACK to the kids, who are all standing there, blinking
with confusion.

CUT BACK to Barbrady, who is still in a freeze frame, with
his thumb in the air, and music playing.

CUT BACK to the kids who look to one another, and finally
shrug and walk away.

ACT IV

ANGLE - TELEVISION NEWS

ANCHOR
And so today, South Park held a parade
to honor Officer Barbrady, and his
heroic work on the Chickenfucker
case.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

A parade is in progress for Barbrady. The crowd cheers him
on.

BARBRADY
Thank you everybody! Thank you!

TOWNSPERSON
Speech! Speech!

The crowd quiets in anticipation of a speech.

BARBRADY
What?

STAN
They want you to give a speech Officer
Barbrady, about the whole experience
over the last couple of days.

BARBRADY
Oh. Okay...
(to the crowd)
Well, first of all I'd like to thank
the town of South Park, the town
that borne me and eventually will
rob me of my life precious.

The crowd cheers.

BARBRADY
Second, I'd like to say to all those
out there who think they can screw
chickens just to teach people to
read... Your days are numbered!!!

The crowd goes wild.

BARBRADY
And finally, I'd like to say that
READING TOTALLY SUCKS ASS!!

KIDS
Hurray.

The crowd looks confused.

BARBRADY
Yes, at first, I was happy to be
learning how to read. It seemed
exciting and magical. But then I
read this --

Barbrady holds up a copy of ATLAS SHRUGGED, by Ayn Rand. All
1085 pages of it.

BARBRADY
Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read
every last word of this garbage and
because of this piece of SHIT, I'm
never reading again!

STAN AND KYLE
Hurrah for Barbrady!!!

The crowd goes wild again!!!

KYLE
Wow, I guess reading really does
suck ass.

CARTMAN
Hey, that's what I've been saying
all along, you guys.

STAN
I'm just glad everything turned out
okay and Barbrady got his job back.

KYLE
It's poetic justice.

Barbrady looks down with a smile.

BARBRADY
Thanks boys.

He gives them a thumbs up. FREEZE-FRAME and play survivor
music.

A big tree falls over on top of Kenny, killing him.

THE END

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