"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 113

"Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut"

Written by

Trey Parker and David Goodman



ACT I

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting for the bus.

STAN
Dude, the bus will be here any minute
and Cartman didn't show up for school.

KYLE
Yeah, this is like the third day in
a row. I wonder what's wrong.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm.

The boys all laugh.

KYLE
Yeah!

STAN
Hey, maybe we should ditch school
and go check on him.

But just then, the school bus pulls up.

MS. CRABTREE
COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!!

STAN
We're not getting on, you fat, ugly
bitch.

MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

STAN
I said 'We're not getting on, you
fat ugly bitch'.

MS. CRABTREE
Oh, alright then.

Ms. Crabtree closes the door and drives away.

KYLE
Woa, dude!!

STAN
I always wondered if that would work.

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

The boys walk up to Cartman's door and knock. Cartman's mother
answers.

MS. CARTMAN
Hello, boys!

KYLE
Hi, we were wondering why fat ass --
I mean, Cartman -- hasn't been showing
up for school.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh, he's just been feeling under the
weather. Maybe you boys can cheer
him up. He's in the back yard.

The boys look at each other suspiciously.

STAN
In the back yard?

EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD

It's a nice little yard. Cartman is sitting at a small,
rectangular table covered with a white tablecloth. Cartman
is at the head of the table, serving tea with an adorable
little plastic tea set.

Also seated at the table, are five of Cartman's stuffed
animals, one in each chair, and each with a little teacup
and saucer in front of them.

CARTMAN
Would you like some more tea, Polly
Prissy Pants?

CARTMAN
(Polly voice)
Yes, Eric, I would love some tea,
thank you.

CARTMAN
You're very welcome, Polly
Prissypants.

Unbeknownst to Cartman, the boys sneak in from behind some
bushes. They can't believe what they see.

CARTMAN
Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?

CARTMAN
(Frog voice)
Yes, please. Eric, why are you so
cool?

CARTMAN
Oh, I don't know, Clyde Frog, I just
am.

CARTMAN
(Polly voice)
You are so strong and smart, Eric.
Everybody likes you.

CARTMAN
Why thank you, Polly Prissypants,
how nice of you.

The boys stay hidden in the bushes.

STAN
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right
here.

KENNY
(Laughing)
Mph rm rmph rm rm!

KYLE
Come on! Let's go make fun of him!!

Stan grabs Kyle, stopping him.

STAN
No, dude... This looks really serious.
I think we better get help.

KYLE
Really?

Cartman pours tea for a large, stuffed Panda.

CARTMAN
(Panda voice)
Wow, Eric, you are the coolest guy
in the world. This is tremendous
tea!

CARTMAN
Why thank you, Peter Panda, It's a
distinctive Earl Grey.

CARTMAN
(Polly voice)
Eric is the best!

CARTMAN
(Frog voice)
Hooray for Eric!

CARTMAN
(Panda voice)
Eric Kicks ass!

EXT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The boys are gathered around the counselor's desk. Behind
them is a LARGE poster that reads 'FATHER & SON DAY IS
COMING'.

KYLE
Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong
with Cartman.

COUNSELOR
Oh, well there's a news flash.

STAN
No, no. We saw him having a tea party
with his stuffed animals.

KYLE
Yeah, he was doing their voices and
pouring tea for them.

COUNSELOR
Oh okay... Eric is obviously suffering
from some kind of emotional distress,
okay?

KYLE
What do you mean?

COUNSELOR
Have you boys noticed anything
recently that troubled Eric?

STAN
No.

*Note - the poster should be very visible in this shot.

COUNSELOR
Well, obviously something is bothering
him, okay?

Finally the Counselor looks up at the wall.

COUNSELOR
Oh, of course!

The counselor walks over, right in front of the poster, then
reaches past it and grabs a video camera.

COUNSELOR
My video camera! Boys, if you could
videotape Eric's behavior, then I
can study him psychologically and
find out what's wrong, okay?

STAN
Is that legal?

COUNSELOR
Oh, hell yes.

EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD

Cartman is sitting at his cute little table.

CARTMAN
My goodness that's a lovely dress
you are wearing, Polly Prissypants.

CARTMAN
(Polly voice)
Oh, thank you, Eric, you are a perfect
gentleman. And you are smart and
cool.

CARTMAN
(Panda voice)
Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart
and cool. Everybody likes you very
much.

CARTMAN
That' nice, Peter Panda...

Meanwhile, the boys are in the distance, with the camcorder
on a tripod, trying hard not to laugh.

STAN
Dude, this is gonna be the funniest
tape ever made!

KYLE
How much do you think Mr. Mackey
needs?

STAN
I dunno, just keep rolling.

Cartman continues, unaware of the video camera.

CARTMAN
More tea, Rumper Tumpskin?

CARTMAN
(Tumpskin voice)
Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and
handsome.

CARTMAN
Thank you, Rumper Tumpskin. And what
do you think about me, Clyde Frog?

CARTMAN
(Frog voice)
I think you're a big, fat piece of
crap.

Cartman thinks for a minute.

CARTMAN
HEY!!!

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The sun goes down in South Park. Passage of time.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman and his mom are sitting at the dinner table.

Kitty walks up and meows.

CARTMAN
No, Kitty this is MY corned beef
cabbage.

KITTY
Meow.

CARTMAN
No, kitty!! That's a BAD KITTY!!!

Kitty hisses.

MS. CARTMAN
How is your beefy roast, snookums?

CARTMAN
Mom... Can I ask you a question?

MS. CARTMAN
Sure, hon.

CARTMAN
You know how my friend Stan has,
like, a DAD?

MS. CARTMAN
Uh-huh.

CARTMAN
And my friend Kyle has a DAD... And
my friend Kenny has a DAD?

MS. CARTMAN
Yes...

The two just sit there in silence for a LONG TIME.

MS. CARTMAN
Well what's your question, hon?

CARTMAN
(Pissed)
GODDAMMIT!! Do I have a dad?!?!

MS. CARTMAN
Oh...

CARTMAN
I wanna know where I came from.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh... Hmmm... Well, you see, Eric,
sometimes when a man and a woman are
attracted to each other, they want
to be... CLOSE to each other.

CARTMAN
Uh-huh...

MS. CARTMAN
And, sometimes, the man puts his Hoo-
Hoo Dilly in the woman's Cha-Cha.

Cartman tries to understand.

CARTMAN
So, WHO put his Hoo-Hoo Dilly in
your Cha-Cha?

Cartman's mother thinks.

MS. CARTMAN
Eric, the day I met your father, it
was like magic... It was a beautiful
autumn night, when the aspen trees
were turning; At the twelfth annual
drunken barn dance...

EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT - 8 YEARS AGO

A large barn with a banner that reads 'Twelfth Annual Drunken
Barn Dance'.

From inside, music, screaming, laughing and crashing can be
heard.

INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

Inside the barn is absolute chaos. People are singing,
dancing, fighting... but most of all, drinking.

Beer flows from huge steins, steel kegs, and glass bottles.
Everyone is absolutely bombed.

MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
I was young and na´ve then...

Now we see the younger Ms. Cartman. She looks pretty much
the same except that her hair is longer. She is chugging a
yard of Beer.

MAN
Wow! I've never seen a woman drink
that much!! You're amazing, Ms.
Cartman!!

MS. CARTMAN
(totally drunk)
Oh, heck, I haven't even started
yet! I baked cookies... would anybody
like one?

OFFICER BARBRADY
I wouldn't mind gettin' a hold of
YOUR cookies, Ms. Cartman!

MS. CARTMAN
(Sexy)
Well... Go right ahead, Officer
Barbrady...

Barbrady leans into Ms. Cartman... Then grabs a cookie, bites
into it and walks away.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Mmm, that's a good cookie7!

Square Dancing MUSIC kicks in.

JIMBO
Come on everybody, let's do the
drunken barn dance!!

Ms. Cartman stumbles over to the dance floor.

MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
And then I saw him... He was the
most beautiful, charming piece of
ass I'd ever seen in South Park.

The camera settles on Jimbo for a moment... Was Jimbo
Cartman's dad?! No, just then, the crowd parts, and standing
there... Is a large, buff Native American Ute man. He and
Ms. Cartman stare at each other.

MS. CARTMAN (V.O.)
His name was Chief Running Water.

As the camera ZOOMS IN on their faces, that gay 'Near/Far'
song from Titanic plays.

Ms. Cartman walks over to the Chief and starts to mosh with
him, vulgarly.

Finally, Ms. Cartman trips, falls down, gets back up, vomits,
and keeps dancing.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

Cartman is sitting, listening to the story.

MS. CARTMAN
I don't recall exactly how the rest
of the night went, but the next
morning, I was pregnant with you, my
little blueberry muffin.

CARTMAN
So where is Chief Running Water -- I
mean, DAD, now?

MS. CARTMAN
Oh, I never saw him after that. I
wasn't really that interested in
him.

Cartman sits there and thinks for a moment.

CARTMAN
That isn't a very romantic story,
mom!

Ms. Cartman goes back to eating.

MS. CARTMAN
I heard he still lives on the Ute
reservation just outside of town.

CARTMAN
Wow... To think all this time I'm
actually a na´ve American.

Kitty walks up and meows.

CARTMAN
NO KITTY! That's a BAD KITTY!!!

EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

Stan, Kyle and Kenny are on the couch watching television.
Grandpa is watching the T.V. too, but he has the remote
control.

ANGLE - TV

NARRATOR
Coming this Sunday... A major
television event that will blow you
away.

Explosions on the T.V. screen. The boys perk up.

NARRATOR
Terrance...

Zoom in on Terrance's face.

NARRATOR
Phillip...

Zoom in on Phillip's face.

NARRATOR
In the harrowing made for T.V. drama,
'Not Without My Anus'. Based on a
true story.

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, I have to go to Iraq
and find my kidnapped daughter!

PHILLIP
Then I'm going to go with you,
Terrance!

Phillip farts, they both laugh merrily.

NARRATOR
See Canada's hottest stars in the
HBC movie of the week.

STAN
Wow! Kick ass, dude! We have to
remember to tape Not Without My Anus
next week.

KYLE
Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.

STAN
C'mon grandpa?! We wanna watch
Terrance and Phillip!

GRANDPA
No, Billy, we're gonna watch the Bob
Saget show.

The boys MOAN.

ANGLE - TV

NARRATOR
And now back to America's Stupidest
Home Videos. Here's your host, Bob
Saget!!!

A clean shaven Bob Saget takes the stage.

BOB SAGET
Hey, I just flew into the studio,
boy are my arms tired.

The audience doesn't react, but Grandpa laughs.

BOB SAGET
Why didn't the skeleton cross the
road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.

The audience again remains silent. Grandpa slaps his knee,
laughing. The boys just sit there.

BOB SAGET
Knock, Knock.

BOB SAGET
Bob.

BOB SAGET
Bob Saget.

The audience is stumped for a moment. Silence...

Suddenly they ERUPT with laughter. They roll around on the
floor, laughing uncontrollably.

So is grandpa. Stan can't believe it.

STAN
This guy sucks!

KYLE
Yeah, he's almost as bad as that guy
on Full House.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. The boys walk over to answer
it.

When Stan opens the door, he finds Cartman dressed in all
Indian garb.

STAN
Cartman? What the hell are you doing
dressed up like an Indian with a
bear necklace?

CARTMAN
Naive American, Stan. And the bear
is very important to my people.

STAN
What?

Kyle and Kenny walk up behind Stan and check Cartman out.
Kenny immediately starts laughing uncontrollably.

CARTMAN
HEY! THE WHITE MAN HAS MOCKED MY
PEOPLE LONG ENOUGH! YOU KEEP YOUR
GODDAMNED MOUTH SHUT!!!
(Back to normal)
Stan, I need to borrow your bike to
ride over to the reservation.

STAN
What are you talking about, Cartman?

CARTMAN
My name isn't Eric Cartman. It's
Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow
your bike, or do I have to kick you
in the nuts and steal it?

STAN
Go ahead, dude.

Cartman leaves, closing the door behind him. The boys head
back to the couch.

KYLE
Man, Cartman's more screwed up than
I thought.

STAN
(holding out VHS tape)
Yeah, we better get this video tape
over to Mr. Mackey quick.

ANGLE - TV

BOB SAGET
Just a friendly reminder to all of
you out there, send us your stupidest
home videos! The grand prize this
month will be for ten thousand
dollars!!

GRANDPA
Ten thousand dollars!! Holy smokes!!

KYLE
Wow! I wish WE had a stupidest
homevideo!

Suddenly, the boys all seem to get the same idea. The camera
PANS along each kid's face as MUSIC kicks in. They look at
their tape with wide eyes.

EXT. UTE INDIAN RESERVATION - DAY

A NATIVE AMERICAN man walks up to a campfire, where several
other Utes are sitting.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
...And Bear cried to Eagle...

NATIVE AMERICAN
Running Water, there's some kid here
to see you.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
What kid?

NATIVE AMERICAN
He claims to be YOUR kid.

Just then, Cartman walks up, wearing all kinds of Indian
garb.

CARTMAN
Hi, dad!

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Who the hell are you?

CARTMAN
I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you
put your Who-Who Dilly in her Cha-
Cha at the drunken barn dance.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Your mother?

CARTMAN
Liane Cartman.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
CARTMAN?!
(Laughing)
Oh, boy I was worried there for a
second!! Look, kid, I'm not your
father.

CARTMAN
But my mom said YOU were the guy she
was with.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Kid, I hate to break this to you,
but your mother is what we Native
Americans refer to as 'Bear with
wide canyon'.

CARTMAN
What do you mean?

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
She is 'Doe who cannot keep legs
together'.

CARTMAN
Huh?

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Your mom's a slut.

CARTMAN
HEY!

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Don't feel too bad, your mom was
just too drunk to remember what
happened. Let me tell you...

EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

We are again outside the drunken barn dance.

INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

The younger Chief Running Water and Ms. Cartman laugh and
dance into the hay loft, a few yards away from the party.

Ms. Cartman giggles as she and the Chief fall into the hay,
embracing each other.

They look into each other's eyes for a beat...

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
We got tired of dancing, so we went
off to find a private spot. I knew
that she wanted me because she kept
saying romantic things.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh Chief, I want your hot manchowder.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Woa! Hello!

The two start going at it, as random townspeople dance and
vomit past them.

MS. CARTMAN
Wait, wait!!

Ms. Cartman sits up.

MS. CARTMAN
Who is THAT?!

Again the crowd parts, and this time we see a younger CHEF
standing in the crowd with a big afro.

Again, the Near/Far faggot song from Titanic plays as the
camera zooms in on Ms. Cartman's and Chef's faces.

MS. CARTMAN
Chief... Could you excuse me for a
minute?

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
Huh?

Ms. Cartman gets up and walks over to Chef.

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
You gotta be kidding me!!

MS. CARTMAN
Why, hello there... I don't think
I've seen you around before.

CHEF
Naw, I'm new in town.

MS. CARTMAN
Well, what's a nice, handsome,
(looking down)
BLACK... man like yourself doing in
a pit like South Park?

CHEF
I'm gonna open up my own restaurant
here!

MS. CARTMAN
My, how exciting! Would you... Care
to put your tongue in my mouth?

CHEF
Damn, baby, you cut right to the
chase, don't you.

MS. CARTMAN
I'm plastered.

Ms. Cartman grabs Chef and starts violently French kissing
him.

EXT. UTE INDIAN RESERVATION - PRESENT DAY

CARTMAN
His TONGUE?! CHEF?! Chef is my dad?!

CHIEF RUNNING WATER
He's the last person I saw with your
mom that night.

CARTMAN
Oh my God! I'm a black African
American!!

ACT II

EXT. BUSSTOP -DAY

Stan, Kyle and Kenny are hanging out at the busstop with a
little go-cart.

Kenny is pulling at the lawn-mower type engine, trying to
get it to start.

STAN
Come on, Kenny. Get the go-cart going.
I wanna ride it!!

KYLE
Did you send the videotape to
America's Stupidest Home Videos?

STAN
Yeah, I mailed it last night. What
sucks it that now we'll have to
actually watch that Bob Saget guy to
find out if we won.

KYLE
If we win, we can buy a NEW go-cart
that actually RUNS!

STAN
Shh! Here comes Cartman!

Cartman walks up, wearing all kinds of black hip hop street
garb and sporting a large afro.

CARTMAN
Ssup, homies?

STAN
Cartman?

CARTMAN
I was just down in the SPC kicking
it with some G's on the west side.

KYLE
You live on the EAST side, Cartman!

STAN
Dude, I thought you said you were
Native American.

CARTMAN
Oh, right. Like I'm some hippy Indian!
You know what I'm sayin'? Check you
later, I'm gonna go chill with my
dad.

Cartman walks off.

STAN
Dude, we should be videotaping THIS!
We could make ANOTHER ten thousand
dollars!

Just then, Kenny manages to get the go cart running. It takes
off at an amazing speed! Kenny is dragged behind it, holding
desperately onto the cord.

STAN AND KYLE
HOLD ON KENNY!!!

The go-cart runs wild up and down the street, though the
trees, Kenny being dragged and beaten to a bloody pulp.
Finally, after horrible bounces and bumps, the go-cart comes
to a stop.

Kenny manages to slowly sit up. He waves to Stan and Kyle.
He appears okay.

KENNY
Mrph mfrr mphr.

Until a train runs him over going seventy.

STAN
Oh my God!! They've killed Kenny!!

KYLE
YOU BASTARDS!!!

EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY

Cartman knocks on the door. Chef answers.

CHEF
Hello?

CARTMAN
Yo, pops.

Cartman is standing there with his afro.

CHEF
Boy, what the fudge are you doing?!

CARTMAN
You know, just laying down some rhymes
for my G-folk. You know what I'm
saying?

CHEF
Get in here!

CARTMAN
West side!

Chef grabs Cartman by the arm and yanks him into his house.

INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY

CHEF
(Grabbing the afro)
Take off that wig!! Now what's gotten
into you?

CARTMAN
YOU'RE my dad, Chef! Chief Running
Water said you got together with my
mom at the drunken barn dance.

CHEF
What? No...
(Thinking to himself)
Uh... Did I?

CARTMAN
He said you kissed her with your
tongue.

CHEF
Oh! Oh, that's different! Women don't
get pregnant from tongue kissing,
children!

Cartman just stands there, blinking.

CARTMAN
(Looking sad)
So, you're not my dad?

CHEF
Of course not. Here,
(Helping Cartman onto
a stool)
You children sit down and let me
explain something to you about where
babies come from. Then you'll see
why I can't be your dad.

Music kicks in. Chef gets ready to sing.

CHEF
(Singing)
When a man loves a woman and a woman
loves a man (Actually, sometimes the
man doesn't love the woman, but he
acts like he does in order to get
some action.) The magic starts to
happen and the two take off their
clothes -- that's right. They caress
and touch each other until a part of
the man grows. Oooh, they roll around
and now things are really starting
to get hot. And the man say, "I love
you" and the woman says, "Hold on a
second, I gotta go to the bathroom."
So you wait and you wait and you
wait and you wait and... You wait
and you wait and you wait. You wait
and you're cooling down and she's
still going to the bathroom. Finally
she comes back and she says, "Baby
I'm getting hot." And that's when
you gotta jump her butt and pump her
full of...

Cartman is tremendously confused.

CARTMAN
WHAT?! So who the hell did that to
my mom at the drunken barn dance?!?!

Chef thinks.

CHEF
Oh, children, that was a long time
ago... But I'll tell you what I
remember...

EXT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

Same old establishing shot. Loud noises and music inside.

INT. LARGE BARN - NIGHT

Chef and Ms. Cartman are rolling around in the hay, with
their tongues in each other's mouths. Ms. Cartman is on her
back, Chef is on top of her.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh, Chef! You're so strong!!

JIMBO
Hey everybody! Look who's here!! The
AFC champion Denver Broncos!!!

Sure enough the entire Denver Bronco team walks in.

BRONCOS
(Ad libbing)
Are we too late for the party? Where's
the beer. etc.

Ms. Cartman, still on top of Chef, turns to look at the Denver
Broncos.

Once again, the gay Near/Far Titanic song starts, this time
the camera ZOOMS in on Ms. Cartman's face and then ZOOMS in
on the entire 1991 Denver Broncos team.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh, Chef! OH, CHEF!!

Chef looks surprised.

CHEF
Damn woman, what's gotten into to
you?

MS. CARTMAN
WHOOPEE!!!

Suddenly, a hand emerges from beneath Ms. Cartman. Chef pulls
the hay away to reveal... MR. GARRISON!!

CHEF
Garrison!! What the hell are you
doing?!

Garrison looks at his hand.

MR. GARRISON
You're DRUNK, Mr. HAT!!

As Ms. Cartman looks at Garrison, that gay Near/Far song
from Titanic swells up yet again. ZOOM IN on Ms. Cartman's
and Garrison's faces.

CHEF
Ah, MAN!! I'm outta here!

MS. CARTMAN
Come on, Chef. Haven't you ever heard
of a manage' au three?

CHEF
Yeah, when two women are involved!

Chef gets up and leaves.

MR. GARRISON
Damn! Damn, Damn! Oh well, guess
It'll just have to be you and me,
Ms. Cartman.

They roll around in the hay.

INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DAY

CHEF
And THAT'S who she was with last...
Mr. Garrison.

CARTMAN
No! NOOOO!!!! NO GOD NO!!!!!!

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

ANGLE - TV

ANNOUNCER
And now back to America's Stupidest
Home Videos.

BOB SAGET
Here's a video sent to us, that shows
a VERY disturbed little boy...

ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

A clip of what Kyle filmed of Cartman. No voice-over. Just
Cartman's insanity.

CARTMAN
(on the monitor)
'Why thank you Polly Prissypants,
you are my best friend.'

The audience begins to laugh.

CARTMAN
(on the monitor/as
Polly)
'I think you are one of the coolest
people in the world Eric, and you
are not fat at all!'

CARTMAN
Really? You don't think so?

CARTMAN
(on the monitor/as
Clydefrog)
No you're not fat.

The audience goes apeshit. They are hysterical.

ANGLE - KIDS

Stan and Kyle are laughing. Just then, Stan's mother and
father walk in.

STAN'S MOTHER
Oh, Stanly, we just heard the news
that your little friend Kenny was
killed by a train this morning.

STAN
Huh? Oh, yeah.

STAN'S FATHER
Is there anything we can do for you,
son?

Stan thinks.

STAN
How about some ice cream!

KYLE
Yeah! With butterscotch!

STAN'S MOTHER
You bet... You poor dears.

Stan's father and mother walk out.

ANGLE - TV

BOB SAGET
Now the moment you've all been waiting
for, when one of our lucky videos
qualifies for the TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR
grand prize to be chosen TOMORROW
NIGHT. The winner is:
(Drumroll)
Little Boy's Tea Party!

ANGLE - KIDS

The boys go absolutely wild, jumping and hollering. Clapping
is heard from the TV.

BOYS
(Ad lib)
Yeah! Wooo! I knew we'd win!

STAN
We're in the finals!

KYLE
We're going to win $10,000!

STAN
Man, Cartman's going to be famous.

INT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT

Garrison is drinking at the local bar with most of the
townspeople of South Park.

MR. GARRISON
Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat...

MR. HAT
Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan Mr.
Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
Mr. Hat you need to admit you have a
drinking problem... Another Cosmo
please!

Just then, Cartman slams the door open. He's standing in the
doorway, eyes fixed on Garrison, looking pissed off.

CARTMAN
All this time... Why didn't you tell
me, father?

MR. GARRISON
What the hell are you talking about,
Eric?

CARTMAN
It was YOU all along!!

Garrison doesn't answer... Perhaps he IS Eric's father!

CARTMAN
YOU were with my mother the night of
the drunken barn dance!

JIMBO
Garrison?! That's impossible! He's
gay!

MR. GARRISON
I am NOT GAY!!

CARTMAN
Then you DID sleep with my mom?

MR. GARRISON
No!

JIMBO
He's gay!

Garrison thinks. He doesn't know what to say.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, okay! I admit it!! I might
have made love to your mother at the
Drunken Barn Dance!!

Cartman's face lights up.

MR. GARRISON
But Who here DIDN'T?!?!

The room is silent.

MR. GARRISON
Now come on! Honestly, who has NEVER
had sex with Mrs. Cartman?

Everybody looks to one another. Nobody speaks up... Not even
the preacher or Jesus.

MAN
I haven't!

MR. GARRISON
You don't count, halfie! You don't
have any legs!

MAN
Oh, yeah.

Cartman can't believe it.

MR. GARRISON
So you see, Eric. Anyone here could
be your father. I'm afraid you're
never going to know...

Cartman puts his head down.

JIMBO
Don't feel too bad there, kid. I
never knew who my father was either...
(Pause)
I mean, I DID know who he was, and,
well, we had great times together
and huntin' and fishin', but -- well,
hell, you know what I mean.

Cartman slowly walks out of the bar very sad violin music
begins to play.

Everyone looks like they genuinely feel bad for Eric.

MEPHESTO
Wait! Wait! I know a way to find
out!

CARTMAN
How?

MEPHESTO
At my laboratory! We can do DNA
genetic testing! I'll take some of
your blood, along with the blood of
everyone here and we can determine
who your father is!!

Cartman looks happy! Everybody else looks worried.

CARTMAN
REALLY! YOU CAN?!

MEPHESTO
Yes! Of course... I mean, that much
testing will cost a pretty penny...
but...

CARTMAN
How much?

MEPHESTO
Three thousand should cover it!

CARTMAN
I don't have three thousand dollars!

MEPHESTO
Oh, never mind.

Everyone just turns around and starts drinking.

ACT III

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

STAN
Dude, I can't wait to win that ten
thousand dollars on America's
stupidest home videos! I'm gonna buy
the coolest go-cart ever!

KYLE
I'm gonna buy a walkman with MY half!

Cartman walks up, with his head down.

CARTMAN
(Very slow and sad)
Hey guys.

STAN
How's it going, Cartman?

CARTMAN
Oh... Fine. How are you guys?

The boys can't believe how mellow and normal Cartman is.

KYLE
Dude, what the hell is wrong with
you?

CARTMAN
Oh, nothing, it's just -- Nothing...

STAN
Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?

CARTMAN
Well, I want to know who my dad is.
But to find out, they have to do
these DNA tests, and that costs three
thousand dollars. I don't have three
thousand dollars...

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

STAN
Wow, We're sorry your mom's a whore,
dude!

CARTMAN
Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who
my father is. I just have to. Maybe
I could work at a sweat shop for a
while... Well, see you guys, I'm
gonna go play in my back yard for a
while...

Now Stan and Kyle look really guilty.

KYLE
Uh... Cartman, we know how we can
get you three thousand dollars.

CARTMAN
You do?

STAN
Yeah... We have a videotape that's
in the finals for America's Stupidest
Home Videos... And... And if we win,
we'll GIVE you three thousand of our
ten thousand dollar prize!

CARTMAN
You will?! WOW!! You guys are the
BEST!!! THANKS, YOU GUYS!!

STAN
Uh... Yeah.

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - ESTABLISHING

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Stan and Kyle and Cartman are gathered in front of the
television, enthralled.

NARRATOR
And now back to America's stupidest
home videos!!

CARTMAN
What kind of video did you guys make?

STAN
Uh... You'll see.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT

BOB SAGET
Well, it's time to crown the ten
thousand dollar winner. Our judges
have narrowed it down to only three
videos. First, it's: Dog who puts
hat on master's head!

Applause.

ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

We see a lame video clip of a little dog.

BOB SAGET
(High voice)
Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a
little dog. Oh, oh!

The dog puts a hat on a bald guy's head.

BOB SAGET
(High voice)
Oh, I've got to put a hat on my
master's head, ha, ha!

Back in the studio, the audience is laughing wildly. CLOSE
UP on one woman in a 3/4 view laughing so hard, she's crying.

BOB SAGET
And now our second finalist... LITTLE
BOY HAS A TEA PARTY!!

Applause.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman's eyes widen.

ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

The tape of Cartman comes up, he's pouring tea for Polly
Prissypants.

CARTMAN
(on the monitor)
'Why thank you Polly Prissypants,
you are my best friend.'

CARTMAN
(in Polly voice)
Oh thank you Eric.

The audience howls with laughter.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman can't believe it.

BOB SAGET
Boy, it looks like THIS kid needs
some therapy!!

Cartman's eyes are HUGE his teeth are clenched.

ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

The audience erupts with laughter as little Eric pours tea
for his stuffed animals.

STAN
We're sure to win Cartman! Then you
get your DNA money!

CARTMAN
(Shaking violently)
I... AM... SO... PISSED... OFF...
RIGHT... NAAAAA!!!!

KYLE
They laughed hardest at our video!
We're gonna win! We're gonna win!!

INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

BOB SAGET
And finally, our third contestant,
'Young child gets hit by a train'!!

ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

The image comes up. Sure enough, it's Kenny, somebody
videotaped him trying to get the go-cart started.

BOB SAGET
(High voice)
Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.
Hmmm... I wonder if I can get this
go-cart started?

ANGLE - CARTMAN'S

The boys watch on in disbelief.

ANGLE - VIDEO SCREEN

We again see the horrific dragging of Kenny. He stops on the
train tracks, checks his head, then gets pummeled by the
train.

In the TV studio, the audience is laughing hardily.

STAN
Oh my God! They've videotaped killing
Kenny!!!

KYLE
YOU BASTARDS!!!

The audience is still laughing.

BOB SAGET
Now THAT'S what I call a joy ride!

The audience laughs even harder.

BOB SAGET
And the winner is, naturally...
'little boy being hit by a train'!!

Applause.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

STAN
Dude! We LOST!!

KYLE
DAMMIT!!!

CARTMAN
I... AM... GOING... TO... FUCKING...
KILL... YOU GUYS... SERIOUSLY...

INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

BOB SAGET
Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.

Stan's grandfather stands up in the crowd and waves.

GRANDPA
I won! I won!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

STAN
Grandpa!!!

INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

BOB SAGET
Our other finalists will have to
settle for their three thousand dollar
runner up prizes. Well, see you next
time!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

KYLE
Did you hear that, dude?! We still
get three thousand dollars!! That's
enough for you to get your DNA tests!!

CARTMAN IS CATATONIC

CARTMAN
KILL... YOU GUYS... KILL YOU
GUUUYYYYSSSS!!!!!

ACT IV

EXT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

Establishing.

INT. MEPHESTO'S LAB

Cartman and his mother are in Mephesto's laboratory, along
with most of the men of South Park.

MEPHESTO
Alright, from everyone's accounts, I
have narrowed down Eric's possible
father to the people in this room...

As Mephesto lists off the names, we see their worried
expressions.

MEPHESTO
Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo, Mr.
Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water,
Gerald BROVLOFSKI, Myself, my friend
Kevin, or the 1989 Denver Broncos.

The little monkey guy looks worried.

The Broncos all look worried, too.

STAN
Wow, I always knew Cartman's mom was
a slut, but goddamn!

MEPHESTO
The test results are in this
envelope... Shall I open it?

MR. GARRISON
Yes! For God's sake get on with it!!

Mephesto opens the envelope and reads the paper inside. His
expression grows huge.

MEPHESTO
The father of Eric Cartman is INDEED
someone in this room!!

Everybody looks around nervously.

MEPHESTO
The father is...

A drum roll starts. The camera starts to focus on different
people in the room.

NARRATOR
Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is
it... Chief Running Water?!

Chief looks around nervously.

NARRATOR
Or is it... Chef?! Is it Mephesto?
Or that little monkey guy that follows
him around?

The little monkey guy raises his eyebrows.

NARRATOR
Or is it Mr. Garrison?!

JIMBO
No, he's gay!

MR. GARRISON
You go to hell! You go to hell and
you die!!

NARRATOR
Is it Jimbo?

JIMBO
Agh!

NARRATOR
Or is it Officer Barbrady?

OFFICER BARBRADY
Huh, where?

NARRATOR
Or could it be Ned.

NED
Could be.

NARRATOR
Or Mr. BROVLOFSKI?

KYLE
Dad! How could you?

NARRATOR
Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos?
THE ANSWER IS COMING ON AN ALL NEW
SOUTH PARK IN JUST FOUR WEEKS!!!

CARTMAN
What? Son of a bitch!

THE END

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