"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 112

"Mecha Striesand"

Written by

Trey Parker, Philip Stark, and Matt Stone



ACT I

EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY

The children are all gathered around a small Archaeological
dig site. A plain looking Anthropologist talks to the boys
and girls.

ANTHROPOLOGIST
And so, these ancient arrowheads are
buried deep down in the Earth's crust!
We dig 'em up, polish 'em off and
find over twelve new arrowheads every
month!

CARTMAN
Booorrrring.

The kids all laugh.

MR. GARRISON
Eric, keep quiet! I'm trying to sleep!

Garrison is lying on rock with a newspaper over his face.

ANTHROPOLOGIST
Now, can anybody tell me WHO left
these arrowheads here?

STAN
(Hand raised)
Isn't that YOUR job?

ANTHROPOLOGIST
Well, yes, but I want to see if you're
learning anything.

STAN
(This is new)
Oh.

ANTHROPOLOGIST
Okay, I tell you what, why don't we
all grab our little anthropology pic
axes that were handed out, and we'll
dig for our very own Indian
Arrowheads!!

The kids all cheer and start digging.

As Cartman swings his pic axe, he immediately starts to sing.

CARTMAN
(Singing)
Day is never finished
Masa got me working
Some day masa set me free...

STAN
Dude, shut up, Cartman!

PIP
OOH! OOH! I think I found one!!

But Cartman has hold of the other end.

CARTMAN
No, I found it!

Cartman and Pip hold the large arrowhead by opposite ends.

PIP
Oh, I do believe I found it first.

CARTMAN
No, I did, Pip!!

PIP
Oh, dear...

CARTMAN
Well, guess we'll have to Roshambo
for it.

PIP
What do you mean?

CARTMAN
Well, first I kick you in the nuts
as hard as I can. Then you kick ME
in the nuts as hard as YOU can. And
we keep going back and forth until
somebody falls. Last one standing
gets the arrowhead.

PIP
Oh, my. Well, I suppose if I must...

CARTMAN
Okay, ready? I'll go first.

Cartman takes a step and hauls off, kicking Pip square in
the balls. Pip immediately turns blue and falls to the ground
coughing.

Cartman looks pleased.

After Pip stops coughing, he finally manages to speak.

PIP
Well, I guess you win.

CARTMAN
Oh, I don't care, you can have the
stupid arrowhead. I don't want it.

Cartman tosses the arrowhead down to Pip, who is still lying
painfully in the dirt.

The kids all go back to digging.

CARTMAN
Day is never finished
Masa got me working... Oh, look I
found another one!

Cartman cleans off the dirt, and sees that he is actually
holding a large, stone triangle with ancient symbols and
writing on it.

CARTMAN
Aw, this is just a stupid triangle!

Cartman tosses the triangle over his shoulder. It hits the
ground and Kyle picks it up.

KYLE
Woa, check it out, dude. It's got
little drawings on it.

Kyle holds up the large, stone triangle revealing that it
does have a strange symbol on it.

STAN
What's is it?

KYLE
I don't know.

Suddenly, the triangle lets out a small yellow glow.

STAN
Woa!

KYLE
That was cool!

CARTMAN
Hey, give me that back!

KYLE
You threw it away, Cartman! It's
MINE now!

CARTMAN
We'll Roshambo for it.

KYLE
No way, fatty! It's mine!!

CARTMAN
Anthropologist!!!!!!

The Anthropologist walks over.

ANTHROPOLOGIST
How's it going, boys?

CARTMAN
I found a magic triangle and this
greedy son of a bitch took it from
me!!

KYLE
You threw it away, fatso!!

ANTHROPOLOGIST
Let me see that.

Kyle gives him the triangle.

ANTHROPOLOGIST
Why, this is Anastasi writing! My
God, this must must be thousands of
years old!!

CARTMAN
Come on! Let me kick you in the nuts
for it!!

INT. TELEVISION SET - NEWS STUDIO

ANCHOR
And finally tonight, a young boy
from South Park, Colorado found
something very interesting during a
field trip today. Here with a special
report is a quadriplegic Swiss man
on a pony.

EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY

A Quadriplegic Swiss man sits on a pony with another person
holding a mic in front of his face.

QUADRIPLEGIC FIREMAN ON PONY
Thanks Tom, the little eight year
old was very shocked indeed when he
came across a very ancient triangular
object.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP on Kyle with a mic in his face.

KYLE
Well, I was just digging around and
I was all like 'Dude, I found this
triangle'. And my friends were all
like, 'dude'. And I was all 'Dude'.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP on Cartman with the mic on him.

CARTMAN
And I told him I said Kyle, I will
kick you in the nuts. But he didn't
give it back to me. So I kicked him
square in the nuts... And he cried
like Nancy Kerrigan.

KYLE (O.S.)
YOU LIAR, CARTMAN!!!

CARTMAN
Screw you, triangle thief!!

QUADRIPLEGIC FIREMAN ON PONY
And so the little boy will take his
discovery home, and perhaps donate
it to science... A little later.
Back to you, Dave.

INT. TELEVISION SET - NEWS STUDIO

Back in the studio, the guy is at his desk, with a live image
of the reporter behind him.

ANCHOR
Thanks, Tom. Those are some cute,
cute kids. Except for that last one,
he's a little tubby.

The image WHIPS to Cartman.

CARTMAN
HEY!!

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

The boys walk into Kyle's house.

STAN
What are you gonna do with it, dude?

KYLE
I'm gonna put it in my room, where
Cartman can't find it!!

CARTMAN
Oh I'll find it, don't worry!!

Kyle goes into his room and slams the door. Cartman tries
the knob, but the door is locked.

CARTMAN
Goddammit! Give my triangle! Kyle!
Seriously!

STAN
You DID throw it away, Cartman.

CARTMAN
I was just setting it aside.

STAN
Well, you might as well let it go.

CARTMAN
Never! I'll get that triangle if
it's the last thing I do!!

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

Chef is in the kitchen, stirring up a large bowl of something
indistinguishable.

CHEF
(Rap/Singing)
Gimme a little bit of that pepper.
Gimme a little bit of that salt. Put
it in the skillet and cook it-

VOICE
Excuse me, sir...

Chef turns around to see a plain looking man with a beard.

CHEF
Can I help -- Hey, you're that movie
critic guy on TV!

LEONARD MALTIN
Leonard Maltin, yes.

CHEF
Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage
at an Aerosmith concert! Leonard
Maltin in MY cafeteria! I'm Chef.

LEONARD MALTIN
I know who you are. You must listen
to me, Chef. We have precious little
time. Have you seen Barbara Streisand
recently?

CHEF
Barbara Streisand? You mean like,
THE Barbara Streisand?

LEONARD MALTIN
(Snapping)
HAVE YOU SEEN HER?!?!

CHEF
No! Not since Yentl!

LEONARD MALTIN
Thank God, then I'm not too late.

CHEF
Too late for what?

Leonard steps closer to Chef.

LEONARD MALTIN
Chef, it is of the utmost importance
that you tell me where those little
boys from the news report on TV are.

Chef thinks.

CHEF
Why do you care?

EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

The boys are building a snowman.

STAN
I have a button we can use for his
nose!

KENNY
Mph mm mrph mrph mm mph.

KYLE
What would you use a marble sack
for?

CARTMAN
Be careful where you put that carrot.
Kyle might steal it.

KYLE
I didn't STEAL anything.

CARTMAN
Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm
not speaking with him.

KYLE
GOOD!!

A loud CHOPPING sound surprises the boys. They look around.

CARTMAN
What's that noise?

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a very large, black helicopter
drops down from the sky.

STAN
Woa!

CARTMAN
AAGH!! ALIENS!!

The helicopter lands, and a figure steps out from inside.
She walks into the light, it is Barbara Streisand.

MS. STREISAND
Who is the boy I saw on the News
report tonight?

The other boys all point at Kyle.

MS. STREISAND
Hello there, little boy. Do you know
who I am?

KYLE
No.

Babs looks shocked.

MS. STREISAND
Oh I bet you do-
(Singing)
I'm going... Where there's lucky
clovers in the sun...

KYLE
(Covering his ears)
AGH! Stop that!

STAN
Yeah, that sucks, dude.

Now Babs looks pissed off.

MS. STREISAND
I'm Barbara Streisand!

STAN
So.

MS. STREISAND
So?!
(Composing herself)
So... I'm a VERY famous and VERY
important individual.

STAN
Like John Elway important?

MS. STREISAND
WHAT?!

STAN
Do you know John Elway?

MS. STREISAND
No!

STAN
(To the boys)
Oh, so you're really famous and
important but you don't know John
Elway.

Babs looks ready to kill. But she takes a deep breath and
tries another approach.

MS. STREISAND
Look, little boy, I understand that
you found a neat little triangle
near here. You know what I'm talking
about?

KYLE
(Suspicious)
Yeah...

CARTMAN
No, I found it, HE stole it!

KYLE
YOU THREW IT AWAY, CARTMAN!!!

CARTMAN
(To Streisand)
I'm not talking to him, because he's
a dirty thief.

Babs ignores this and kneels down next to Kyle.

MS. STREISAND
(Excited)
Little boy, does the triangle have a
symbol of two snakes joined at the
middle?

KYLE
Yeah, how'd you know?

Bab's eyes get huge. She takes in a deep breath, and looks
into Kyle's eyes.

MS. STREISAND
Okay, now this is VERY important...
Where is the Triangle of Zinthar
now?

KYLE
Triangle of Zinthar?

STAN
Why do you want to know, lady?

MS. STREISAND
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU PISSANT
LITTLE HICK!!!

STAN
Woa, dude!

Stan reels back. Babs grabs Kyle's arms and shakes him.

MS. STREISAND
WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE, DAMMIT?

KYLE
AGHAGH!!

Just then Officer Barbrady steps up.

OFFICER BARBRADY
What seems to be the problemo, here?

Babs let's go of Kyle, stands up and fixes her hair.

MS. STREISAND
Problemo? There's no problemo,
Officer. I was just introducing myself
to these... CHARMING little boys.

CARTMAN
Nu-uh! She was being a total bitch!

Babs gets pissed again, but contains herself.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Boys shouldn't you be in school?

STAN
It's Saturday.

OFFICER BARBRADY
NO EXCUSES! MOVE ALONG YA LITTLE
TROUBLE MAKERS!!

The boys all look at each other and walk away. Babs and
Barbrady are left alone.

MS. STREISAND
Well?

OFFICER BARBRADY
Well what?

MS. STREISAND
YOU know who I am, don't you?

Barbrady looks her up and down.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, you ain't Fiona Apple. And if
you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a
rat's ass.

MS. STREISAND
AAAGHGH!!!!!

Streisand fumes and walks away.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Hoo! What a bitch!

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE

Chef knocks on Kyle's door with Leonard Maltin.

CHEF
I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.

LEONARD MALTIN
Damn! Then we must look for them
elsewhere!

CHEF
Now, come on, man! What is this all
about?!

LEONARD MALTIN
If Barbara Streisand saw the same
news report I did, then those boys
are in grave danger... If YOU were
Barbara Streisand, where would you
be right now?

Chef thinks...

CHEF
Hmmm...

EXT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

Establishing.

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE

LEONARD MALTIN
No, no! I mean where would she be
staying?

CHEF
Oh... Uh, well, I always heard that
Mrs. Streisand had her own four
million dollar condominium up near
the ski slope.

LEONARD MALTIN
Where?!

CHEF
I don't know, it was just a rumor!

LEONARD MALTIN
Dammit, man, where is your car?!?!

EXT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

A huge, all glass immaculate condo sits perched on a mountain
above South Park.

A TITLE reads 'Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar
Mountain Condo'.

INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

Babs stands on her balcony overlooking the town and tapping
her fingers much like the Grinch.

MS. STREISAND
He has it Milo... That little bastard
has the triangle.

MILO
Are you sure?

MS. STREISAND
I'm sure! He knew about the symbol
of Krulock!!

Bab's walks into the living room. Milo follows her.

MILO
Then why don't we go get it?

MS. STREISAND
A cop showed up. He's a clever one.
I can't blow everything now that I'm
this close. Everything must be handled
very carefully.

Now babs walks over to a bookcase and hits a button on it.
Immediately, the bookcase spins around and a huge, hidden
glass case reveals itself.

MS. STREISAND
How many years has it been, Milo?
Thirty? Forty?

Streisand walks up to the case and peers in.

MS. STREISAND
For so long I have waited to find
the other triangle...

We ZOOM in on the glass case.

Inside, in a very strange display, is a small, blue triangle.
An empty space next to it, awaits another triangle... Kyle's
Triangle.

MS. STREISAND
And now I am so close... The dawn of
Zinthar is close at hand!!!!

Babs starts a horrible, maniacal laugh.

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT II

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE

The inside of Kyle's house is lit softly by moonlight.

PAN ACROSS Kyle's room.

Kyle is sleeping soundly in his bed.

PAN ACROSS further, where we see the triangle displayed
proudly on Kyle's dresser.

A STRANGE SOUND cues the camera to TILT UP to the ceiling,
where a circle is being cut by a blue flame.

The circle completes, and the piece of ceiling falls to the
floor.

Kyle turns a little, but stays asleep.

Now a rope falls from the ceiling, and a figure, dressed all
in black, slides down it.

We see through the masked eyes of this person. It looks over
at Kyle, who tosses and turns, then back to the triangle. It
nears the triangle, reaches its black gloved hand towards
it...

IKE
BABA MAMA BABA MA!!!!

The figure is startled, and knocks over a glass framed picture
on Kyle's dresser. It hits the ground. SMASH!!!!! Kyle jolts
awake. Ike jumps in front of the figure.

KYLE
Cartman?!

Cartman takes off his black mask.

CARTMAN
You scared the crap out of me, Ike!

KYLE
What the hell are you doing?!

CARTMAN
I'm trying to get my triangle --
Wait a minute, I'm not talking to
you!

Cartman turns to Ike.

CARTMAN
Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was
just trying to get MY triangle back?!!

IKE
Baba simi babangle ba.

KYLE
Well Ike, YOU can tell CARTMAN that
it's MY TRIANGLE!!

IKE
Baba MY babamama.

CARTMAN
Well, you can tell Kyle he's a dirty
goddamn son of a bitch!!

IKE
Koyle a goddam sonna ba.

KYLE
Alright, alright! If it means that
much to you, TAKE the stupid
triangle!!

CARTMAN
Huh?

Kyle storms over to the dresser and picks up the triangle.

KYLE
If it'll make you leave me alone,
then just take the damn thing, here!!

Kyle hands Cartman the triangle. Cartman is speechless.

KYLE
There! Now get out of my house and I
hope you feel really, REALLY good
about yourself!

Cartman thinks.

CARTMAN
Hell yeah I do! I got the triangle!

Cartman happily walks out. Kyle jumps back in bed and pulls
the blanket over his head.

CARTMAN
(Offscreen in distance)
I got the tri-angle! I got the tri-
angle!

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD

Chef's family car drives up the snowpacked mountain road.

INT. CHEF'S CAR

LEONARD MALTIN
Are you sure Barbara Streisand has a
condo up here?

CHEF
It was just a rumor... A lot of big
celebrities have mountain condos.

LEONARD MALTIN
Then we've got to keep looking...

Chef stops the car.

CHEF
Alright, Leonard Maltin, this has
gone far enough! I ain't driving
another mile until you tell me what
this is all about!!

Leonard Maltin takes a deep breath.

LEONARD MALTIN
Haven't you ever been curious about
the insanity Barbara Streisand
exhibits?

CHEF
Well, I always heard she was kind of
a bitch, but-

LEONARD MALTIN
MORE THAN A BITCH, Mr. Chef!! She is
a calculating, self-centered
egotistical... bitch. She was born
in a small town, her mother was a
Jackel and her father was an insurance
salesman!

CHEF
(He gets a chill)
Woo... Insurance salesman?

LEONARD MALTIN
(Rapidly)
When she was five, she knew that she
wanted to be a famous singer. But by
the time she was six, her ambitions
became to rule the universe. She
learned of an ancient diamond. The
diamond of Pantheous.

CHEF
Okay, you know what? Never mind. I
don't need to know all this -- forget
I asked.

Chef starts to drive again.

LEONARD MALTIN
(Very quickly)
Before she was seven, the keepers of
Pantheous learned of this insane
little girl's wish. The diamond was
split up and buried at opposite ends
of the world. But then, during the
shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbara
Streisand found one of the
triangles...

CHEF
And the other triangle is the one
that little Kyle has?

LEONARD MALTIN
Yes... Mr. Chef, if Babs gets a hold
of that other triangle, she will
fulfill her prophecy and become the
most threatening thing ever known to
mankind...

ZOOM IN on Leonard Maltin.

LEONARD MALTIN
MECHA-STREISAND.

CHEF
Mecha-Streisand? Oh man, I don't
know what the hell that means, but
it doesn't sound good!

EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

The boys are waiting for the bus to come.

STAN
Man, the bus sure is late.

CARTMAN
Hmmm, I wonder what I should do with
MY triangle, now that it is MY
triangle...

KYLE
Dammit, Cartman! I gave it to you so
you would SHUT UP!!

Just then, a nice, tan Honda Accord four door pulls up, and
a strange looking person gets out.

Actually, it's just Barbara Streisand wearing groucho glasses
with a mustache. She talks with a ridiculously disguised
voice.

DISGUISED BABS
Oh, hello there little boys. How are
you today?

STAN
Fine.

DISGUISED BABS
That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones.
And I am a very friendly, nice person.

The boys don't respond.

DISGUISED BABS
I hear that one of you found my
triangle.

KYLE
YOUR triangle?

DISGUISED BABS
Yes. You see, that triangle is part
of my Kidney Dialysis machine. I'm
so glad you found it, because without
it, I was sure to die within hours.

CARTMAN
Oh no you don't! Finders keepers!

DISGUISED BABS
But I'll die!

CARTMAN
Well I guess we'll have to Roshambo
for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as
hard as I can, then you kick me square
in the nuts as hard as you can.

DISGUISED BABS
I want to give you a BIG cash reward
for finding it. It's worth a lot of
money to me.

CARTMAN
It is?!

STAN
Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand
lady wanted it!

Babs eyes get wide.

DISGUISED BABS
Oh, ha, ha... Who is that?

KYLE
Oh, just this really, really old
lady who wishes she was still only
forty-five.

The boys all laugh. Babs gets furious.

STAN
Yeah! And you should have seen her
nose, it was big enough to land
Stealth Bombers on!

The boys laugh harder. Babs starts shaking with anger.

CARTMAN
Yeah, and talk about a bitch! I
haven't seen-

DISGUISED BABS
(Screaming)
ENOUGH!!!

The boys all reel back.

DISGUISED BABS
(Getting back in
character)
Uh, ha-ha... Anyway, if you'll come
with me in my car, I'll take you up
to my condo where I'll kill you -- I
mean -- give you money for the
triangle.

CARTMAN
Sweet! I'm gonna be rich!! Bet you
wish you wouldn't have given me back
that triangle NOW, huh, Kyle! DUMBASS!

Cartman follows Barbara to her car. The other boys shrug and
follow too.

KYLE
Wait, isn't there some rule about
not getting into cars with Strangers?

CARTMAN
No, not when money is involved,
stupid!

EXT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

Establishing shot of a lush, Hollywood Studio.

INT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY

A large film crew is shooting around a large set of a living
room.

DIRECTOR
And... ACTION!!

Two actors, SIDNEY POITIER and SALLY STRUTHERS are doing a
scene together.

SIDNEY POITIER
Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any
other, with dreams and emotions. And
that's why I'll NEVER put a foreign
object up my ass.

DIRECTOR
Cut! Great, print that! Excellent
work, Sid. Take five guys, let's set
up for the next shot.

Sidney Poiter goes into his dressing room. The star on his
door does tell us this IS Sidney Poitier.

INT. SIDNEY POITIER'S DRESSING ROOM

Sidney walks in and plops down in front of his make-up table.

VOICES
HELLO?!

SIDNEY POITIER
Ho?

Sidney looks down on his make-up table where two very small
Japanese girls are standing in an oyster shell.

JAPANESE TWINS
You must hurry. A young man has found
the Triangle of Zinthar!

SIDNEY POITIER
Where?!

JAPANESE TWINS
A small, pissant white-bread mountain
town in Colorado called 'South Park'.

SIDNEY POITIER
Excellent...

Sidney smiles, is he evil or good?

INT. BARBARA'S CONDO - DAY

Barbara is back to her normal, bitchy self.

MS. STREISAND
Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will
be mine, and I WILL BE THE BIGGEST,
MOST FAMOUS PERSON EVER!!!!

The boys are all chained to the wall. The have shackles around
their ankles and wrists.

Cartman is in the middle, hooked up to some kind of torture
device.

CARTMAN
Let me go! Seriously!

STAN
Yeah! Let us go!!

MS. STREISAND
You fools have no idea the powers
that you are meddling with! I'll
teach you to meddle with MY TRIANGLE!!

Barbara pulls a lever. The ropes holding Cartman start to
pull him apart.

CARTMAN
AGHAGH!!!! IT'S NOT MY TRIANGLE!!
IT'S KYLE'S!!!!

KYLE
HEY! DON'T TRY TO PASS IT BACK ON
ME, FAT ASS!!

CARTMAN
(Still being pulled
apart)
SCREW YOU, HIPPIE!!

The torture continues. Cartman gets stretched further.

BARBARA STREISAND
WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE OF ZINTHAR?!

CARTMAN
I don't remember!

KYLE
Goddammit, tell her!! I wanna go
home!!

BARBARA STREISAND
Well... Maybe THIS will help JAR
YOUR MEMORY-

CARTMAN
No! Don't!

BARBARA STREISAND
(Singing)
There's a place for us...

CARTMAN
AGHAGHAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!

The boys all shake and struggle to break free.

MS. STREISAND
(Music stops)
NOW do you remember?!?!

The boys all gasp for breath, as if they've all been beaten
severely.

CARTMAN
Damn your black heart, Barbara
Streisand!!

STAN
I don't know how much more I can
take, dude.

MS. STREISAND
Alright, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!
(Singing)
I'm gonna tell you now...

BOYS
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

INT. CHEF'S CAR

Chef and Leonard Maltin are still driving.

CHEF
I don't know, man... Maybe Barbara
Streisand doesn't have a place up
here after all.

LEONARD MALTIN
Looks like we'll have to go to plan
B.

CHEF
There's a plan B? Why the hell have
we been driving around all night and
day for when there's a plan B?!?!

LEONARD MALTIN
Have you ever heard of the band called
'The Cure'?

CHEF
Oh, come on. Don't tell me The Cure
has something to do with this too!

LEONARD MALTIN
No, no... Just the lead singer. AGH!!

Suddenly, Leonard Maltin grabs his temples.

LEONARD MALTIN
AGH!!

CHEF
Woa, what's the matter, Leonard
Maltin?!

LEONARD MALTIN
She's close! She's very close! I can
feel her.

CHEF
Where?!

LEONARD MALTIN
She has the boys! They're in trouble!!

CHEF
Oh, fudge!!

LEONARD MALTIN
Keep going this way, hurry!!

Chef turns a corner and speeds up.

INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

BARBARA STREISAND
(Singing)
Happiness with you is like happiness
with...

BOYS
AAGHAGHAG!!!!

STAN
OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE
TRIANGLE IS!!!

Babs stops singing.

CARTMAN
IT'S INSIDE MY SHOE!!

Milo dashes over and takes off Cartman's shoe. As soon as he
does, the boys all react to the smell.

KYLE
Oh, for Christ's sake Cartman! When's
the last time you changed your socks?!

CARTMAN
And I suppose YOUR socks smell like
the botanical gardens!

Milo takes the triangle over to Babs. She holds it up and
looks at it with awe.

BARBARA STREISAND
Finally, the triangle is mine!!

Barbara storms over to the glass case and hits a button on
top.

BARBARA STREISAND
After centuries of waiting, I finally
have the triangle of Zinthar!!!

She reaches into the case and grabs the other triangle.

BARBARA STREISAND
NOW THE DIAMOND OF PANTHEOS IS
COMPLETE!!!

She slips the smaller blue triangle into the other triangle.
Immediately, the pair LOCK together and begin to spin, the
levitate of the ground in between the kids and Barbara
Striesand.

BARBARA STREISAND
SUGOI! KONO HI WA ATARASHII HAJIMARU
DA!! IMA KARA ATASHI NO NAMAE WA...

A FLASH of brilliant bright light and a laser shoot from the
levitating triangles.

STAN
Woa dude!!

It hits Barbara Streisand right in the chest. Instantly she
starts to grow. She busts right out of the roof of her condo
and keeps growing.

She keeps growing and expanding until she is a 800 FOOT TALL
HUGE METALLIC MONSTER BARBARA STREISAND!

MECHA STREISAND
MECHA-BARBARA STREISAND DA!!!!

Mecha-Babs lets out a tremendous ROAR! and walks off towards
South Park leaving the boys chained up in the roofless condo.

STAN
Dude, this is pretty fucked up, right
here.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

We see several of the little buildings, one of which is
Jimbo's gun shop.

Silence... Then FWOOM!!! A HUGE, MECHA FOOT Stomps on the
building, shattering it to bits.

BOOM UP to reveal Mecha Streisand in a typical Godzilla pose.

MECHA STREISAND
EYAAA!! ARGH!!!

JIMBO
Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest
goddamn deer I've ever SEEN!!

SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

A normal looking NEWS REPORTER stands in front of South Park
avenue.

All is very peaceful and quiet.

NEWS REPORTER
And so, just weeks after the
devastating attack of Mutant Genetic
creatures, zombies and Thanksgiving
Turkeys, The town of South Park has
managed to rebuild itself, once again
becoming-

KRAAA!!! Townspeople of South Park run screaming as Mecha
Barbara makes her way down South Park avenue, destroying all
the buildings as she goes.

NEWS REPORTER
Oh, goddammit not again...

Barbara easily destroys the buildings on South Park avenue.
People run screaming as a Japanese-style song takes over the
audio.

JAPANESE SINGER
Bar-Boo-RA!! Bar-Boo-RA!!! Ichiban
kirai no hito!! BA-BOO-RA!! BA BOO-
RA!!! Hana ga OOKII!!!!

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

We are looking towards the Mayor's desk and Window. The Mayor
is standing with her back to us looking out the window.

In the Window, we can see Mecha-Streisand destroying the
town.

Now angle reverses and we see the Mayor's shocked face with
wide open jaw.

In the background, the door opens and one of the aides pops
his head in.

AIDE
Mayor! Barbara Streisand is-

MAYOR
(Still staring out
window)
I noticed!!! CALL THE NATIONAL
GUARD!!!

The aide dashes off, closing the door.

The Mayor keeps looking out the window as we hear SCREAMING,
SIRENS and CRASHES in the distance.

MAYOR
We'll get you, you bitch... And to
think, I actually WATCHED your HBO
special...

INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO

Chef and Leonard Maltin run into Barbara's evil lair, where
the boys are still chained to the wall.

CHEF
CHILDREN!!

BOYS
CHEF!!!

LEONARD MALTIN
Oh, no!

Leonard stands next to the broken case where the triangles
once were.

LEONARD MALTIN
She has joined the two triangles?

CARTMAN
YEAH! SHE STOLE MY TRIANGLE!

STAN
Get us down from here!!

Chef runs up to the boys and tries to free them.

CHEF
(Struggling)
I can't break these locks!!

LEONARD MALTIN
Stand back, Chef!

Chef takes a step away. Leonard Maltin gets in a martial
arts pose.

LEONARD MALTIN
(Japanese Accent)
MARUTIN RAY!!

Suddenly, red lasers shoot out of Leonard Maltin's eyes,
strike the chains and free the boys.

KYLE
Woa! That was cool!!

LEONARD MALTIN
I've got to go after Mecha-Streisand!
Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith
of The Cure at this number.

STAN
Robert Smith?! Sweet!!!

INT. RECORDING STUDIO - ENGLAND

In the FOREGROUND a red telephone rings.

ROBERT SMITH of The Cure walks over and picks up the phone.

ROBERT SMITH
Hello?

CHEF
Uh, yes, is this Robert Smith of the
Cure?

ROBERT SMITH
Yes it is.

CHEF
This may sound kind of strange, but
Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.

Suddenly, Robert Smith's expression becomes very dismal.
(More than usual).

ROBERT SMITH
Oh, Barbara Streisand's found the
other triangle, eh?

Chef looks suprised.

EXT. DENVER - DAY

The national guard has turned out to try and fight Mecha
Babs.

CAPTAIN
Alright, men!! Give her everything
you've got!!

A row of tanks pulls up in front of Mecha-Babs and starts
firing missles at her.

They seem to have no effect.

Five army helicopters fly in front of Mecha-Streisand's face.

INT. ONE OF THE HELICOPTERS

Jimbo is holding a large rocket launcher as Ned Pilot's the
helicopter.

JIMBO
GET AROUND SIDE HER, NED!! I CAN'T
GET A SHOT IN FROM HERE!!

NED
Okay.

They fly up near Bab's scary face, her huge eye looks at
them with anger.

NED
(Flatly)
Aaagh. Aaaagh. I'm scared.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

Mecha-Babs looks at the helicopter with Jimbo and Ned inside
just as Jimbo fires his rocket launcher.

Babs reels back only slightly from the rocket's impact, then
with a huge ROAR swings her large mechanical arm at the
helicopter, sending it spinning to the ground.

JAPANESE SINGER
Ba-Boo-RA!! Ba-Boo-RA!! Sugoi na
Bitchu da!!!

CAPTAIN
It's no use!! Our firepower has no
effect!!

Suddenly, Kyle's mother comes running up.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh my God! It IS YOU!!!

Mecha-Barbara looks down.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh I am SUCH a huge fan, Ms.
Streisand!! I never thought I'd live
to see you in person!!

MECHA STREISAND
KRAGHGHGH!!!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
I hate to ask this, but, could I get
an autograph? My sister would DIE!

MECHA STREISAND
KRAGHGHG!!!

Mecha-Streisand leans down, picks up the small pen and head
shot from kyle's mother, signs it, and hands it back.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!!

MECHA STREISAND
GRAGHGHGH!!!!

Mecha Streisand stomps on a couple more buildings and lays
waste to the entire town of South Park!

Buildings, cars and trains are thrown around like toys.

MR. GARRISON
We're doomed!! Goodbye, Mr. Hat!

JAPANESE SINGER
BA-BOO-RA!!! BA-BOO-RA!!!

Mecha-Babs lets out a huge cry, then continues through the
town.

LEONARD MALTIN
BARBARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Babs stops and looks down at the ground, where Leonard Maltin
stands in front of her. BABS almost looks scared for a
moment... Then lets out a loud cry.

Leonard Maltin crosses his arms over his chest.

LEONARD MALTIN
KITTE! KITTE! CHURI-PU!!!

Suddenly, Leonard Maltin starts to grow!! Babs watches in
shock as Leonard Maltin becomes ULTRA-LEONARD MALTIN!!

JAPANESE VOICE
(Out of nowhere)
ULLLTURAAA MARUTIN!!!!

Finally, when Leonard is the same size as Babs, he gets in a
Kung-Fu fighting stance.

Babs gets in a stance of her own, and the two start fighting
each other.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

Chef and the boys come running in to see Mecha-Streisand and
Ultra-Maltin fighting.

Everything around them is burning and crashing to the ground.

CHEF
Look out, children!!

Mecha-Streisand's huge foot crashes down next to Kenny and
smashes a car. People run through frame, screaming.

A flaming storefront then crashes down, the boys jump out of
the way, just in time.

Just then, Kenny walks over to a Tetherball pole and boredly
hits the ball. The rope to the ball gets caught around Kenny's
neck, and Kenny gets strangled up next to the pole.

Kenny turns blue, then purple, then pink.

Mecha-Streisand hits Ultra-Maltin and his huge body falls to
the ground, just missing Chef and the boys.

Kyle turns around and sees Kenny, wrapped around the
Tetherball pole.

STAN
Oh my God!! They killed Kenny!!

KYLE
You bastards!!

Suddenly, an older black man flies down next to Chef.

SIDNEY POITIER
What's going on, here?!

CHEF
Sidney Poitier?!?!

SIDNEY POITIER
That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier.

CHEF
Damn man, it's nice to meet you! THE
Sidney Poitier in MY home town!!

SIDNEY POITIER
Barbara Streisand has found the
triangle of Zinthar?

CHEF
Yup. She's made the diamond of
Pantheos, alright.

SIDNEY POITIER
KOO_RA KOO RA SUKI!!!

Sidney Poitier turns into a Gamera-turtle thing Sidney Poitier
and flies over to help Leonard Maltin do battle.

JAPANESE SINGER
MEGA POITIER!! MEGA POITIER!! SUGOI
KUROI DA NE!!! MEGA POITIER!! MEGA
POITIER!!

Chef looks to his right, where we actually see the Japanese
singer, in a suit, singing into a microphone.

CHEF
Is that really necessary?

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

Now shit is REALLY going down.

The boys watch in awe as Helicopters, tanks and missles fly
at Mecha-Babs as she wrestles and fights with both Ultra
Maltin and Mega-Poitier.

Mecha-Streisand is the obvious stronger, as she picks up
Mega Poitier, spins him over her head and throws him over
the mountains.

Ultra-Maltin tries his eye lasers, but Mecha-Babs just puts
out her hand, and stops them easily.

Then she tilts her head back, and shoots BIGGER lasers out
her nose, which strike Leonard Maltin and send him flying
backwards in pain.

Mecha-Babs throws her arms up in victory.

CHEF
It's over... She's too strong for
them children. We'll have to leave
town.

CARTMAN
Make it go away!! I hate Barbara
Streisand! I hate her!!

STAN
My mom always said there are no
monsters, but there are, aren't there,
Chef...

CHEF
We have to say goodbye to South
Park...

Mecha-Babs continues her havoc.

Just then, Robert Smith walks up to Chef and the boys.

ROBERT SMITH
Am I too late?

CHEF
Who are you?

STAN
Dude! That's Robert Smith of The
Cure!

CARTMAN
Sweet!!

ROBERT SMITH
Here, you boys hold this walkie. You
can help me fight her.

Robert hands the boys a small walkie talkie.

CHEF
You can try Robert Smith, but that
thing just beat the crap out of
Leonard Maltin AND Sidney Poitier!!

ROBERT SMITH
I have to try. I can't let Barbara
Streisand do this to the entire world.

Robert Smith spins around...

JAPANESE SINGER
ROB-ATO SUMISU!! ROB-ATO SUMISU!!

Mecha-Babs turns around and sees the thriving metropolis of
Denver in the distance. She smiles a big mechanical smile
and heads towards it.

But then, behind her another huge figure appears. It is
Mothora Robert Smith!!!

Now Babs looks really, really scared.

Robert opens his huge mouth and lets out one of his high
pitched screams.

Babs tries to cover her ears as windows all over the buildings
still standing shatter.

Mecha-Babs retaliates with her own high pitched note. Robert
covers his ears and even more windows break.

Stan has the little talkie around his wrist. Leonard Maltin,
back to normal size and looking severely beaten, walks up
next to the boys.

LEONARD MALTIN
We must tell him that her weak point
is the nose...

Stan talks into the walkie.

STAN
Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot
punch!

The huge Robert Smith looks down at Stan and nods.

Just then Mecha-Babs charges Smith!! But Smith hits a switch
on his arm which sends the end of his arm flying!!

It hits Babs square in the nose.

Babs reels back with a horrific scream. The Diamond of
Pantheos flies out of her nose and lands right at Kyle's
feet.

KYLE
The diamond of Pantheos!! She must
be powerless now!!

STAN
(Into walkie)
Quickly, Robert Smith, she's
powerless!!

Robert runs up to the Dazed Mecha-Streisand and grabs her by
the mechanical tail.

He spins her round and round and round...

JAPANESE SINGER
ROBAT-O SUMISU!! ROBAT-O SUMISU!!!

Finally, after gaining enough momentum, Robert lets go. And
Mecha-Streisand goes flying into outer space.

EXT. SPACE

Mecha-Streisand flies outward from Earth and continues on
past the moon.

She lets out a horrific cry. As her huge body gets past the
moon, it explodes like a nuclear bomb. Body pieces flying
everywhere.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

The explosion in the sky looks beautiful from South Park.
Like a huge firework.

STAN
He DID IT!!!

KYLE
NO MORE BARBARA STREISAND EVER!!!

STAN
Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest
person that ever lived!!

JESUS
Our Savior!!

Robert Smith shrinks back to normal size.

ROBERT SMITH
Can I have my walkie talkie back
now, please?

Cartman is holding it now.

CARTMAN
No way! You gave it to us!! It's
MINE now!!

ROBERT SMITH
Alright, I'll Roshambo you for it.

CARTMAN
Huh?

Robert Smith kicks Cartman in the nuts.

Robert Smith walks away.

CHEF
Hey, where is he going?

STAN
Goodbye Robert Smith!!!

CARTMAN
Thank you for your help. Visit us
again.

KYLE
'Disinigration' is the best album
ever!!

Robert Smith walks away to the setting sun.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE

Kyle has the two triangles of Zinthar.

STAN
Well, what should we do with the two
triangles now?

KYLE
We've got to get rid of them. NOBODY
should have the kind of power Barbara
Streisand wanted.

Kyle throws the triangles in the trash.

STAN
Well, at least I have this sweet
walkie talkie Robert Smith gave me.

CARTMAN
No! That's MY walkie-talkie! He gave
it to ME!!

KYLE
Dammit, Cartman don't you ever learn
anything?!

In the back ground, Ike hops over to the trash and reaches
in.

CARTMAN
Come on, Stan! it's MINE! I'll
Roshambo you for it!

STAN
Go to hell, Cartman!

The boys walk outside as Ike picks the two triangles out of
the trash.

EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE

KYLE
Well, that whole experience sure did
suck.

STAN
Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with!

KYLE
But you know, I've learned something
today. I've learned that people who
want power, a lot of power, always...
end up dead.

STAN
Yeah.

CARTMAN
Yes, and I've learned something too.
Robert Smith kicks ass.

The ground rumbles. The boys look around in panic.

CARTMAN
Oh, no!! She's back!!!

STAN
Oh my God! LOOK!!

A HUGE, HUGE IKE steps out from behind the house.

BOYS
AGHGHGH!!!!! MECHA-IKE!!!!

THE END

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