"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

SOUTH PARK

Episode 111

"Tom's Rhinoplasty"

by

Trey Parker



ACT I

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

WENDY
Stan, you know it's almost Valentines
day...

STAN
I know.

WENDY
Maybe we should go on a cruise or
something.

STAN
I can't afford a cruise, dude!

WENDY
(Sweet)
I know, but we could make a little
boat out of cardboard, and pretend
it's a cruise!

Cartman hears this and just starts laughing his ass off.

STAN
Shut up Cartman!

CARTMAN
HOO, HOO! OHH THAT IS SO LAME HA HA
HOO HOO!

WENDY
And then we could dress up in little
costumes and pretend like we're
getting married.

Cartman hears this and just starts laughing his ass off again.

CARTMAN
Stop, seriously. You're killing me
over here.

Principal Victoria steps in front of the class.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Children, I have some difficult news
for you... Mr. Garrison won't be
teaching for a while. He has to have
surgery.

The kids all cheer.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
So you're going to have a substitute
teacher. And I want you to show the
substitute the SAME respect you show
for Mr. Garrison... Yes, little boy?

KYLE
(Flatly)
We don't have respect for Mr.
Garrison.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh.

The kids just sit there.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Anyhoo, I want you all to meet your
new substitute... Ms. Ellen.

MS. ELLEN walks in, she is beautiful and classy.

MS. ELLEN
Hello, children.

STAN AND KYLE
Woa...

CARTMAN
Wow, she's PRETTY!!

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph!!

STAN
You can say that again!

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph!!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Good Luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get
out of control just use this tear
gas, okay?

Principal Victoria drops a can of tear gas on the desk and
walks out.

MS. ELLEN
Thank you, I'm sure I'll be fine.

The boys stare, enthralled with the beautiful teacher.

MS. ELLEN
Now, children, I know that you must
be very upset about your teacher
having surgery... But I promise I'll
try to make things as easy as possible
for all of us.

Stan, Cartman, Kyle and Kenny all have little hearts above
their heads and big smiles on their faces.

Wendy notices Stan's expression, and starts to get worried.

WENDY
Stan? Stan?

Stan is just focused on the teacher.

MS. ELLEN
Now, let me try and learn your names
by your seating assignments.
(Reading off of paper)
You are... Eric Cartman?

CARTMAN
Yes ma'am!

MS. ELLEN
Okay... And
(Turning to Stan)
YOU must be Stan Marsh!

Stan vomits all over his desk.

Wendy's eyes grow huge, she can't believe it.

MS. ELLEN
Do you need to go to the nurse's
office, Stanly?

CARTMAN
No, he always pukes when he's in
love.

STAN
I'll kick your ass, Cartman!!

MS. ELLEN
So you're alright?

Stan pukes.

KYLE
(Pointing)
Dude, you had waffles for breakfast,
huh!!

Wendy looks really sad.

INT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

Tom the Rhinoplast and Mr. Garrison sit in front of a large
computer screen.

MR. GARRISON
I have to admit I'm still embarrassed
about getting a nose job, Tom. I
didn't want people at school to know,
so I told them I had herpes.

TOM
You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr.
Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery
all the time.

Tom turns on the computer.

TOM
Before we start the surgery, this
computer can help you pick what kind
of nose you want.

MR. GARRISON
Wow, isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat?

MR. HAT
It sure is, Mr. Garrison.

Tom hits a few keys on the keyboard. An image of Mr. Garrison
comes up on the screen.

TOM
Now, we could go with something a
little smaller, which would make you
look like... This.

The computer image morphs, the little line of Garrison's
nose gets a little smaller.

MR. GARRISON
Hmm...

TOM
Or, we could straighten out the
bridge, which would make you look
like this...

Again the image changes slightly.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, that's not bad...

TOM
Of course we could narrow the bridge,
which would make you look more like --
This...

The image of Mr. Garrison morphs into a full color head shot
of David Hasslehoff.

MR. GARRISON
WOW!!! THAT'S IT!! THAT'S THE NOSE I
WANT!!

TOM
Alrighty then.

Tom turns off the computer and takes a few notes.

TOM
Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison,
that there ARE risks...

Ominous MUSIC swells up.

TOM
You could wind up a hideous, foul,
shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly
ugly that you are forced to live in
the sewers, only emerging at night
to hunt for scraps of food.

Garrison thinks.

MR. GARRISON
I can live with that.

TOM
Alrighty then, let's get started!

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

The boys are all gathered on the playground.

CARTMAN
She wasn't looking at you, buttLord!
She was looking at ME.

KYLE
Well that goes without saying, Fat
ass -- How could she HELP but look
at you!!

STAN
You guys can stop fighting, it was
ME she was checking out.

CARTMAN
Until you puked on her.

Chef walks up.

CHEF
Hello there, children. What's all
this I'm hearing about a new teacher?

KYLE
Ms. Ellen, dude! She's BEAUTIFUL!

Wendy is sitting on the swingset next to her friend Bebe.
Bebe looks at Wendy who is hearing all of this and looking
pitiful.

CHEF
Is she like, Vanessa Williams
beautiful or Toni Braxton Beautiful?

The boys think.

CHEF
Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?

The boys don't know.

CHEF
Or is she Erin Grey in the second
season of Buck Rodgers beautiful?

STAN
Yeah, that one!

CHEF
WWOOH!!! I gotta meet this woman!!

Finally, Wendy walks up.

WENDY
Stan, Didn't you notice how her left
arm is longer than the right one?

STAN
No.

WENDY
Well it is!

CHEF
That's okay. You know what they say
about women with one arm longer than
the other...

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph!!

CHEF
That's right!

The boys all laugh merrily.

WENDY
Well did you notice that mole on the
back of her neck with the hair growing
out of it?

Everybody thinks.

CHEF
That's okay, you know what they say
about women with a mole on the back
of their necks with hair growing out
of it...

Pause...

Kenny looks at Chef, confused.

WENDY
Stan, we're still valentines, right?

STAN
Sure, Wendy, whatever.

The boys walk away AD LIBBING lines about Ms. Ellen (She is
so pretty) etc.

KYLE
Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen
Valentine's day presents!

STAN
Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!

CARTMAN
I'm going to buy a vacuum cleaner.
Chicks love vacuum cleaners.

Wendy looks like she's about to cry as SAD MUSIC swells up.
TRACK in on Wendy's sad little face as the song begins:

SONG
I remember when we were so in
love.........

As the SONG CONTINUES, we see a montage of Stan and Wendy
together:

From Ep.1: Stan Barfs in the cafeteria.
From Ep.1: Stan's Barfs at Stark's Pond.
From Ep.7: Stan Barfs in the cemetery.
From Ep.1: Stan barfs in Wendy's face.

SONG
The moments that we shared were
timeless...

The song ends, and poor little Wendy walks away, sniffling.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The children are back in their desks.

MS. ELLEN
Oh, goodness. Would anybody mind
cleaning my erasers after class?

The boys all shoot their hands up.

CARTMAN
ME! ME! ME!

Bebe Notices Wendy's pitiful expression.

BEBE
You guys are so immature! Act like
eight year olds!

MS. ELLEN
Stan, how about you?

Stan vomits.

STAN
I'd love to!

Wendy looks ready to kill.

MS. ELLEN
Now, children, let's review our
multiplication tables.

Cartman raises his hand.

MS. ELLEN
Cartman?

CARTMAN
What's a multiplication table?

MS. ELLEN
Didn't Mr. Garrison teach
multiplication?

The kids all shake their heads.

MS. ELLEN
Well, where did he leave off?

CARTMAN
We were learning about how Yasmine
Bleeth was going out with that Richard
Greico guy that used to be on "21
Jump Street", but then he got his
own show for just a little while.

Chef walks in unannounced.

CHEF
Oh, hello!

MS. ELLEN
Can I help you?

CHEF
(Suavely)
I'm Chef...

MS. ELLEN
And?

CHEF
I just, uh... I stopped by 'cause
little Kyle forgot his laundry
detergent on the playground.

Chef holds out a box of Whoosh Laundry Detergent.

KYLE
My laundry detergent?

STAN
That's not Kyle's lau-

CHEF
Shh!

Chef puts the detergent on Kyle's desk.

CHEF
Crazy crackers are always leaving
their detergent all over the place.
What was your name again?

CARTMAN
(Aside, to Kyle)
Oh, oh, Chef's movin' in on Ms. Ellen!

MS. ELLEN
I'm the substitute.

CHEF
Well, I'm sure there's no substitute
for you.

MS. ELLEN
That's very nice, Mr. Chef. Now if
you're finished-

MUSIC kicks in.

CHEF
(Singing)
Nobody could take your place No way
they could match your face 'no, you
got it goin on in a way so clear...
I just wanna buy you a beer-or maybe
tonight at seven thirty or something
I could come by and pick you up in
my car... (No Substitute) No
substitute for you, (No substitute)
No baby there's... (No substitute)
for you girl (No substitute) for you
now. You know that it's true, (No
substitute) There's just no substitute
for you.

As abruptly as it started, the song ends.

STAN
We have GOT to learn how to do this,
dude.

KYLE
Yup.

MS. ELLEN
That was enthralling, Mr. Chef. But,
could I get back to teaching now?

CHEF
If we can have dinner tonight.

MS. ELLEN
Fine, Chef, just let me do my job
before I get fired.

CARTMAN
Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet
love to Ms. Ellen!

MS. ELLEN
WHAT?!

EXT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

Establish.

INT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

We see Tom the Rhinoplast from the camera's P.O.V. Tom is
splattered with blood.

TOM
Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison?

The camera JIGGLES a little.

MR. GARRISON (O.S.)
Where... Where am I?

*Note -- Garrison's voice should be EXTREMELY plugged up,
like he has a terrible cold.

TOM
The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, I feel... Weak... How do I look?

Now we see Mr. Garrison. His face is completely wrapped with
bandages and blood is smeared all over it. He looks like
shit.

TOM
You look great.

MR. GARRISON
I feel kind of nauseous...

TOM
Yes, well, that's to be expected. We
did some major reconstruction. Sawed
through some bone... snapped some
cartilage.

MR. GARRISON
(He's gonna puke)
wuhh...

TOM
All the blood and mucus... Just the
sound of bone and sinew coming
apart... KKKKGH!!

MR. GARRISON
wughhhh...

TOM
By the way... Did you ever see that
movie 'Contact'?

Now Garrison completely loses it. He bends over and vomits
through his bandages onto the floor.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, stop! That movie was terrible!!

TOM
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why
don't you get some rest? I'll check
on you a little later...

Tom walks out.

MR. GARRISON
(Weakly)
Waited through that entire movie to
see the alien and it was her goddamn
father...

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The school bell rings and the kids all start filing out.

MS. ELLEN
Okay, kids remember your homework.
We have a lot of catching up to do!

CARTMAN
Goodbye, Ms. Ellen!

KYLE
Stop kissing ass, Cartman!

CARTMAN
I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!

The boys all say goodbye on their way out. Finally, only
little Wendy is left.

WENDY
Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

MS. ELLEN
Of course, Wendy.

Wendy sits down in the little chair next to the desk.

WENDY
I couldn't help but notice you taking
a liking to my boyfriend Stan.

MS. ELLEN
(Laughing a little)
Oh... Well I've taken a liking to
ALL of you! You're all so young and
cute and full of life!

WENDY
Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?

MS. ELLEN
Of course, Wendy.

Wendy moves her face in towards Ms. Ellen so that they are
almost eye to eye.

WENDY
Don't. Fuck. With. Me.

MS. ELLEN
What?

WENDY
You heard me, stay away from my man,
bitch, or I'll whup you're sorry Ho
ass back to last year.

With that, Wendy hops down off the chair and heads out the
door.

WENDY
Bye, Ms. Ellen!

Wendy leaves. Ms. Ellen just sits there with her jaw wide
open.

ACT II

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Ms. Ellen is sitting at her desk, surrounded by gift wrapped
boxes.

MS. ELLEN
Well, I certainly want to thank you
all you lovely children for the
presents you bought me...

Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny all glow.

MS. ELLEN
(Opening the box)
Oh! What a delightful scarf! Thank
you, Kyle!

Kyle gives a snooty look to other boys, who scowl back at
him.

STAN
(Coughing)
Loser-gift. Loser-gift.

MS. ELLEN
(Opening another)
And here's one from Kenny... Oh,
thank you very much, Kenny, this is
a very scrumtious looking sausage.

Kenny laughs, HARD.

MS. ELLEN
(Opening another)
Oh, and what a nice alarm clock!
Thank you Stan!

Stan vomits. Wendy fumes.

MS. ELLEN
And here's another present... From
Wendy!

She opens the present.

MS. ELLEN
Oh, why it's a dead animal. Thank
you Wendy!

Wendy fumes some more. Ms. Ellen puts the dead carcass under
her desk.

STAN
See? She liked my present the best!

KYLE
Where's your present Cartman?

CARTMAN
Oh well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate
pie, but I left it at home.

MS. ELLEN
Okay, kids, we're going to take a
spelling test now.

The kids all moan.

MS. ELLEN
But, as an extra incentive, I'm gonna
take whoever gets the highest score
on the quiz out to dinner!

The boys faces all light up.

CARTMAN
Oh, man! I wish I knew how to spell!!

MS. ELLEN
Are there any questions before we
begin? ...Yes, Wendy?

WENDY
When someone gets as old as you, do
they have to wear Depends under
garments?

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The boys are in line for lunch.

KYLE
Dude, I ACED that test! I'm gonna
win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!

STAN
No you're not, I don't think I missed
any!

Wendy walks up holding her lunch tray.

WENDY
Hi, Stan.

STAN
I bet I scored a hundred!

WENDY
(YELLING)
HI, STAN!!

STAN
Oh, hi Wendy.

WENDY
I was just in the bathroom, and Ms.
Ellen was in there taking the biggest
dump I've ever seen.

KYLE
No she wasn't!

WENDY
Yes she was!

STAN
That's impossible.

WENDY
Well, she did, and she has horrible,
horrible gas, too. She says she can't
control it.

CARTMAN
Nu-uh.

WENDY
It smelled like a dead calf rotting
in the hot sun.

KYLE
Oh Cool!

CARTMAN
Alright, Wendy, seriously, you need
to stop with this whole jealousy
thing.

KYLE
Yeah, you're acting like a freak,
Wendy.

WENDY
(Like a freak)
NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK!

Wendy walks away, pissed.

CARTMAN
Oh man, someone's got to pull that
monkey out of Wendy's ass.

The boys walk into the kitchen.

CHEF
(Sad)
Hello there, children.

CARTMAN
Oh hey, Chef.

KYLE
How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?

CHEF
Not too good.

Chef looks almost ready to cry.

STAN
What happened? Didn't you make sweet
love to her?

CHEF
No, no! She's not like that. You
see... How do I put this... Children,
Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for
the right team.

The boys look confused.

CHEF
In other words, children... She's
not a member of the heterosexual
persuasion.

The boys look more confused.

CHEF
Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!

STAN
A what-bian?

KYLE
A plebeian?

CHEF
You boys don't know what a lesbian
is?

The boys turn to Kenny.

STAN
Kenny?

Kenny thinks long and hard, and finally just shrugs.

STAN
No. Explain it to us, Chef.

CHEF
Uhh, that's okay. Uhh... Look, all
you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a
lesbian, and that means she only
likes OTHER lesbians.

STAN
Oh.

CHEF
Now, move along, children. You're
holding up the line.

The boys take their trays and head out.

KYLE
Weak, dude. She only likes other
lesbians?

STAN
Hey, man, if she only likes other
lesbians, then all we gotta do is
become lesbians too!

KYLE
Hey, Yeah!

The boys all head offscreen.

CARTMAN
You guys, you know what? My grandma
was Dutch-Irish and my grandpa was
lesbian! That makes me quarter
lesbian!

STAN
You're just saying that Cartman!!

KYLE
Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat ass!

CARTMAN
I am TOO!!

INT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY

TOM
Okay, only a few more bandages to
go...

Tom unwinds the last of the bandages.

MR. GARRISON
Well?

TOM
Take a look for yourself.

Tom hands Garrison a mirror, as soon as the mirror comes up,
we TRACK AROUND to a front view of Garrison.

His face looks EXACTLY like David Hasslehoff. In fact, it IS
David Hasslehoff. A color photo cut out slapped on Garrison's
body.

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
Wow! That's a pretty good nose job!
What do you think, Mr. Hat?

MR. HAT
I think it looks great!

TOM
Yes, I think once the swelling goes
down you'll really notice a
difference.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The boys walk in to find Cartman down on all fours with his
face to the floor.

STAN
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman sits up.

CARTMAN
My mom said if you want to become a
lesbian you have to lick carpet.

KYLE
Really?

STAN
Well I got a Indiglo girls CD. The
guy at the record store said it was
perfect.

Stan puts the CD in a CD player.

KYLE
And I got these killer Berkenstocks.

Kyle puts on the shoes.

The boys all get down on their hands and knees and start
licking the carpet as the Indigo girls play in the background.

CARTMAN
This is a bunch of crap! I've been
licking this carpet for THREE HOURS
and I still don't feel like a lesbian!

EXT. SOUTH PARK MALL - DAY

The song SHADOW DANCIN' by Andy Gibb starts up as we follow
Mr. Garrison's feet walking down the street a la Travolta.

The camera PANS UP to reveal Mr. Garrison (still with is
Hasslehoff head, of course) walking proudly.

He passes an attractive forty-something woman, Mrs. Kimble.

MR. GARRISON
Hi, Mrs. Kimble.

MRS. KIMBLE
(hot for him)
Oh, howdy, Mr. Garrison. Say honey,
you look kinda different...

MR. GARRISON
Really?

MRS. KIMBLE
Did you get a haircut?

MR. GARRISON
No, but thanks for asking.

Garrison struts on down the street as the song continues,
with a big smile on his face.

MRS. KIMBLE
Call me! I'm in the book!

MR. GARRISON
Wow, Mr. Hat... Having a nose job is
even better than I thought! There's
a whole WORLD of opportunity opening
up in front of us!

EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

It looks like every other house in South Park.

INT. WENDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Wendy answers her door.

WENDY
Thanks for coming over, Bebe.

BEBE
That's okay, Wendy. I brought my
make-up kit like you asked me. What
are we doing, anyway?

WENDY
That mean ol' substitute isn't going
to stop until she takes everything
from me, Bebe.

BEBE
Really?

WENDY
Yeah. What I'd really like to do is
load her into a rocket and have her
shot into the center of the sun.

Bebe's eyes get big.

WENDY
But instead, I'll just get Stan to
notice ME again. Bebe, I need a
MAKEOVER!

BEBE
Oh, cool!

EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

It's day again in South Park.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The boys are settling into their desks.

STAN
I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see
what a raging lesbian I am!

CARTMAN
I'm a bigger lesbian than you!

STAN
No, you're a FATTER lesbian than me.

KYLE
Screw you guys, I'm KING lesbian!!

Suddenly, all the children GASP.

CLYDE
WOA!!! Is that Wendy Testaburger?!

The boys all turn their heads to the door, where Wendy has
just walked in.

She is dressed all in black leather, with her hair frizzled
out like Olivia Newton John in 'Grease'.

'Grease' type music plays as Wendy makes her way across the
classroom.

WENDY
(Bitchy and cool)
Hi guys, What's up?

CARTMAN
Wow... Wendy looks just like that
chick from grease, Elton John.

STAN
Wow.

Wendy sits down.

STAN
Hi, Wendy.

WENDY
Oh, hi Stan.

Wendy leans over and whispers to Bebe.

WENDY
I think it worked, Bebe!

BEBE
Yeah!

MS. ELLEN
Good morning children!

The camera WHIP PANS over to Ms. Ellen, who happens to be
wearing black leather pants and a stylish black leather
jacket.

STAN
WWOOOWW!!!!

'Grease' style music plays as Ms. Ellen walks over to the
chalkboard.

CARTMAN
Damn! Get down!

STAN
Yeah!

Wendy and Bebe just sit there open mouthed.

MS. ELLEN
Oh, Wendy, you wore black leather,
too!

Wendy can't speak.

MS. ELLEN
We're like sisters!!

WENDY
DIE!!!!

MS. ELLEN
Alright, kids, I've finished grading
your papers, and the person with the
highest score is...

Just then, the Garrison-Hasslehoff thing walks into the room.

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
Hello there, children!

STAN
Oh no, Mr. Garrison's back!

CARTMAN
Oh, weak, dude.

Wendy, however is absolutely ecstatic. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays
as the camera ZOOMS IN on her happy, happy face.

WENDY
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr.
Garrison!

Wendy does some cartwheels as happy MUSIC kicks in.

WENDY
(Singing)
He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison
is back!

She cartwheels up to Ms. Ellen.

WENDY
So long, SUBSTITUTE! Don't let the
door hit your ass on the way out
now!

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
Children, I have a very important
announcement to make...

Wendy calms down.

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
I'm quitting my job as a teacher.

SCREECH!! The music comes to a halt.

WENDY
WHAT?!

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
It's strange, but suddenly I feel
really confident about myself, and
I've decided to quit teaching and do
what I've always dreamed of doing...
Hang out and screw hot chicks.

The kids are all stunned.

WENDY
You... You can't!

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
But the good new is, I've already
talked to principal Victoria about
it, and Ms. Ellen can stay on as
your PERMANENT teacher!!

The kids all CHEER.

MS. ELLEN
Really?

Principal Victoria walks in.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
That's right, will you stay?

MS. ELLEN
Well, SURE!

WENDY
(Screaming at the top
of her lungs)
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

MS. ELLEN
Oh, by the way kids, the person who
scored highest on the quiz and gets
to have dinner on me is... STAN!!

Stan vomits.

STAN
Kick ass!

WENDY
NOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh, and Wendy I almost forgot. We
just got a call in the office, your
grandma just died.

WENDY
AAAAAGGHHGHGHGH!!!!!!! AAGAHGAH!!!
AGHAGAHGAH!!!!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Oh my! What an exciting day!!

ACT III

SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK

INT. PHOTO STUDIO - DAY

Garrison, with his Hasslehoff head, is posing for a
photographer. Behind him is a white sheet, and lights are on
either side. Garrison has his shirt unbuttoned.

Funky MUSIC jams as the photographer rolls off shots.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Great, baby! You're looking great!

MR. GARRISON
I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat!

MR. HAT
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!

PHOTOGRAPHER
Okay, just a few hundred more shots
and we'll be done.

MR. GARRISON
A few HUNDRED?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Hey, that's the life of a model,
baby.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, boy, I'm gonna need some more
smack.

PHOTOGRAPHER
You got it.

The music starts up again and Garrison goes back to posing.

EXT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

Stan and Ellen are at a table eating and laughing.

MS. ELLEN
I'm very glad we could have dinner
together, Stanly. I want you to know
that I really care about your
education.

Stan looks like he's gonna puke, but holds it down.

STAN
Are we making love?

Silence...

MS. ELLEN
Excuse me?

STAN
They don't have a fireplace here, we
shouldn't be making love yet.

MS. ELLEN
What are you talking about?

STAN
You have to make love down by the
fire. That's what Chef always says.

MS. ELLEN
Stan, I'm your TEACHER. Okay? We're
only FRIENDS.

STAN
But why?

MS. ELLEN
Well, first of all, you're eight.

STAN
It's because I'm not a lesbian isn't
it!

MS. ELLEN
Oh, boy...

EXT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

Over somebody's shoulder, we can see into the lit up window
of the restaurant, where Ms. Ellen and Stan are talking.

It's Wendy. She's looking in from outside in the rain.

Like a scene from a movie, she just stands there, with a
demented look on her rain soaked face -- The light from the
neon sign flickering slowly.

WENDY
It's over... I give up.

Wendy lowers her sad little head, and walks away, as sad
PIANO MUSIC plays.

EXT. AVENUE DE LOS MEXICANOS - DAY

Garrison is walking down the street slowly.

GARRISON
Boy, I'll tell you something Mr.
Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a
while, but it sure does get boring.

MR. HAT
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!

Just then, Garrison hears a growing sound. Women screaming...

Garrison looks over and sees about fifteen South Park women
all charging towards him with love in their eyes. They all
ad lib ('ooh, there he is' and 'It's him! It's Mr. Garrison!')

GARRISON
What the...

The charging, screaming women surround Garrison, and like
crazed Elvis fans start kissing him and tearing off his
clothes.

GARRISON
Hey wait, wait, wait....AGHAGAH!!!
Mr. Hat save yourself.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The boys are taking their seats.

KYLE
So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen
go?

CARTMAN
Did you make love?

STAN
I think so!

CARTMAN
No way!

STAN
Yup.

KYLE
Down by the fire?

STAN
Yup.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph rm rmphm
rm?

STAN
Did I WHAT?!

Ms. Ellen walks in. Stan immediately sits upright in his
seat and quiets down.

MS. ELLEN
Good morning, children.

Wendy walks up to Ms. Ellen's desk.

WENDY
Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?

MS. ELLEN
Sure, but can it wait until after
class, Wendy?

WENDY
No. I just have to apologize for the
way I've been acting.

MS. ELLEN
Oh, that's okay, Wendy.

WENDY
No, it's not. Since you're here to
stay, I just hope we can be friends.

MS. ELLEN
Well I would LOVE that, Wendy.

Now Wendy turns to the entire class.

WENDY
And I want to apologize to everybody.
The way I acted was wrong, and I've
learned from it. I just wish Stan
and Ms. Ellen would have all the
happiness in the world.

Now Stan actually looks kind of sad.

MS. ELLEN
Wendy, there's NOTHING between me
and Stan!

CARTMAN
That's not what we just heard!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK SOMEWHERE

Garrison-Hasslehoff stops running and tries to catch his
breath. His clothes are torn to shreds.

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
Oh, Mr. Hat... I hate this, I wish
I'd never had a nose job!!

In the distance, the SCREAMING WOMEN can be heard.

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
Damn this beautiful face of mine!!
Damn it to hell!!

The screaming women round the corner. Garrison has to take
off running again.

MR. GARRISON-HASSLEHOFF
We have to go get surgery again, Mr.
Hat!! I want to be the old me again!!

The screaming women chase Garrison through town.

Garrison runs into Tom's Rhinoplasty. The screaming women
run by.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

MS. ELLEN
Okay, children, let's catch up on
our cursive handwriting.

Wendy is slouched over her desk, looking sad and miserable.

Suddenly LOUD COMMOTION is heard and 8 fatigue wearing Iraqi
soldiers BURST into the room!

IRAQI
DOWN! DOWN! EVERYBODY DOWN!!

CARTMAN
What the hell?!

The kids all get under their desks. The soldiers take over
the room.

IRAQI
So, we meet again, Ms. Ellen!!

Ms. Ellen looks confused.

Principal Victoria comes running in.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
And just what is going on here,
mister?

IRAQI
I am Hakeem Korashki of the mighty
nation of Iraq! This woman is a
traitor to our government!

Ms. Ellen stands behind her desk.

MS. ELLEN
It's a lie!

IRAQI
She has killed thousands, and will
kill again I assure you!!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Ms. Ellen is this true?

MS. ELLEN
NO!

IRAQI
We must take her back to Iraq
immediately!

WENDY
OH, COOL!!!

MS. ELLEN
Principal Victoria, please!

IRAQI
Here is a black and white photo of
Ms. Ellen with our leader-

A black and white photo of Ms. Ellen and Sadaam Hussein.

IRAQI
Her REAL name is Makesh Alak
Makarakesh!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well, Ms. Makarakesh, you certainly
tried to put one over on US, boy
howdy!! Take her away!

The soldiers run toward Ms. Ellen. But Ms. Ellen grabs one
of their swords and it slips out of her hand.

The sword flies throughout the air and hits Kenny between
the eyes pining him to the wall.

STAN
Oh my God! She killed Kenny!

KYLE
You bastard!!

Ms. Ellen can't believe it either. The soldiers grab Ms.
Ellen by the arms and lead her out.

MS. ELLEN
NO!! NOOO!!!

WENDY
Wow! What incredible irony!

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Police cars, fire trucks, ambulances and helicopters swarm
the little school.

Stan and Wendy stand amongst the horde of onlookers.

STAN
Wow... I can't believe Ms. Ellen was
a criminal Iraqi fugitive...

WENDY
Yeah, you just never know.

STAN
Well, I guess...I'm sorry that I was
ignoring you and stuff.

Wendy smiles.

WENDY
Happy Valentines Day, Stan.

Wendy puckers. Stan looks a little scared, but then moves
his mouth towards hers...

Both kids open their mouths slightly...

Stan vomits into Wendy's open mouth.

WENDY
EW!!!

STAN
Sorry.

WENDY
No, it's okay Stan! Everything's
going to be okay!

KYLE
Cartman, are you still trying to
become a lesbian?

CARTMAN
Yeah dude, my mom says all I have to
do is chow on this box.

THIRD COMMERCIAL BREAK

EXT. IRAQ

Ms. Ellen is being escorted into what appears to be a large
missile.

IRAQI
For crimes against this country, you
are hereby sentenced to be shot into
the center of the sun.

MS. ELLEN
(Struggling)
THIS IS ALL A MISTAKE!! THIS CAN'T
BE HAPPENING!!

Ms. Ellen is thrown in the missile and the large door is
closed. We can see her through one of the windows, banging
on it.

MS. ELLEN
(Muffled)
PLEASE!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

IRAQI
SHAVA!!!

Another Iraqi hits a switch-

-and the missile blasts off into the sky. FWWWOOOMMM!!!!

EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - DAY

Establishing.

EXT. WENDY'S BACK YARD

Wendy has a little pool in her backyard, where she is having
a medium sized party.

Adults are CHATTERING and drinking as Wendy sits in a small
little lounger next to Bebe. Both of them have frozen drinks
and sunglasses on.

Several Women walk over to Wendy with their cocktails, oddly
enough, they are the women who were chasing Garrison.

MRS. KIMBLE
Great Party, Wendy.

WENDY
Thanks, Mrs. Kimble, thanks for
helping me get Mr. Garrison to come
back as a teacher.

MRS. KIMBLE
Anything for you, sugarpie.

Kyle walks up.

WENDY
Oh, hi, Kyle.

KYLE
I've been thinking, Wendy... This
whole outcome is pretty strange...

WENDY
Uh-huh, excuse me.

Wendy to turns to a bunch of Iraqi's who are waiting in line.

WENDY
Ga pharat ket latn blak.

IRAQI
Koorat de latn blak.

WENDY
Latn korat de pharat ket latn blak.

IRAQI
Laken blak ba la laken.

WENDY
Kraken blak la blaken lak

IRAQI
Iraken blak laken pharat.

The Iraqis walk away, pleased.

KYLE
How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly
arrested for...

WENDY
Wait, wait!! Shh!! It's time to whip
out the eclipse shoe boxes!

Wendy holds up a shoebox to her eye.

ANGLE - SHOEBOX

We see the tiniest little splotz hit the sun and immediately
get engulfed.

RESUME - WENDY

WENDY
Bye, bye, Ms. Ellen.

KYLE
Wendy, you didn't!

Wendy says nothing. She just starts laughing.

Kyle's eyes grow wide as Wendy's laugh turns completely
insane.

WENDY
I told her! Don't fuck with Wendy
Testaburger!!

THE END

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