"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 110

"MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO"

by

Trey Parker



INT. SMALL STAGE - DAY

All the adorable children of South Park are on risers singing
merrily.

KIDS
(Singing)
We wish you a merry Christmas, We
wish you a merry Christmas, We wish
you a merry Christmas and a happy
New Year!

The SONG ENDS and little Stan steps out in front of the group.

STAN
Lights please?

The lights dim, and a small spotlight appears on Stan.

STAN
(echoing)
And there were in the same country
shepherds abiding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by
night. And, lo, the angel of the
Lord came upon them, and they were
so afraid. And the angel said unto
them, fear not: for, behold, I bring
you good tidings of great joy. For
born unto you this day in the city
of David is a Savior, 'tis Christ
the Lord. Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace, good will toward
men.
(Louder)
And now, SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
PRESENTS -- THE BIRTH OF JESUS!

Stan gestures with his hand to another area of the stage,
where --

A curtain opens and we see that Wendy is dressed like Mary.
She is lying on her back, with her legs up in the air, moaning
horrifically.

Cartman, Kenny and some other children surround her in this
adorable little nativity.

WENDY
Oooh!! Oooh!!

Dressed as Joseph, Kyle stands between Wendy’s legs, waiting
for the fetus.

KYLE
Come on, Mary, PUSH!! I can see its
head!!!

WENDY
UGGHHH!!!

WENDY
AAGHAGAH!!!

Wendy pushes some more and a small, plastic blood covered
fetus pops out. Kyle holds it up by the head.

KYLE
It's a boy!!

CARTMAN
Oooh!

The kids all go 'Oooh!' Kenny is dressed like an angel.

KENNY
Mph mph mph rm!!

MR. GARRISON
WAIT A MINUTE!!!! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!

Suddenly, the lights come up and we see that we are actually
in the school gymnasium.

Mr. Garrison is in front of the stage, directing. He has a
director's megaphone and is sitting in a director's chair.

MR. GARRISON
Kyle, what the hell was that? You
need to hold the baby by the legs,
not by the head... What kind of sick
weirdo are you?

KYLE
Sorry.

MR. GARRISON
And Wendy, I'm STILL not believing
the labor pains.

WENDY
Okay.

Just then, Kyle's irate mother walks up to Garrison.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you
think you're doing?!

MR. GARRISON
Well, I'm TRYING to direct the school
Christmas play, but YOUR son was
holding baby Jesus fetus by the head.

KYLE'S MOTHER
How DARE you include the nativity in
a school play!! Don't you realize my
son is JEWISH?!?!

Kyle looks embarrassed. Mr. Garrison looks confused.

MR. GARRISON
So?

KYLE'S MOTHER
So what makes you think he should
play JOSEPH of Arimathaea?!

MR. GARRISON
Because it's Christmas.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Our family doesn't celebrate
Christmas!

Cartman and the boys all look at each other, shocked.

Kyle just lowers his head.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, God, you're not gonna lay that
Hanukkah crap on me are you?

KYLE'S MOTHER
WHAT, WHAT, WHAAATT?!?! You're not
going to get away with this, Mr.
Garrison!

The children stand off to the side listening to the argument.

CARTMAN
Oh good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin
Christmas!

KYLE
Shut up, fat boy!

CARTMAN
I'm not fat! I'm festively plump!

STAN
Why are you Jewish on Christmas,
Kyle?

Meanwhile, Garrison and Kyle's mom have finished their
bickering.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, Okay! Kyle, is there anything
you can do for the Christmas play
that isn't related to Jesus?

Kyle thinks.

KYLE'S MOTHER
How about the dreidel song, boobie?

KYLE
I can sing the Mr. Hankey song!

MR. GARRISON
The Mr. Hankey song? How does that
go?

MUSIC

KYLE
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo!
He loves me, and I love you!

STAN
Christmas poo?!

CARTMAN
What the hell is Christmas poo?

KYLE
Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't
you guys ever heard of it?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle that is enough!

MR. GARRISON
See, that's what you get when you
raise your child to be a pagan.

KYLE'S MOTHER
NOW THAT DOES IT! I AM GOING STRAIGHT
TO THE MAYOR ABOUT YOU MR. GARRISON!!!

Kyle's mother storms out. Garrison chases after her.

MR. GARRISON
OH WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! I'm sorry. Was
it the pagan remark?!

WENDY
You guys! Look!

Wendy is standing next to the window, where big snowflakes
are falling.

WENDY
It's snowing!

The kids all rush to the door.

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY

The kids all run outside, where big, beautiful flakes of
snow are falling from the sky.

STAN
WOW! Christmas snow!

WENDY
Try to catch snowflakes on your
tongue, it's fun!

VINCE GUARLDI piano MUSIC kicks in as all the kids catch
snowflakes.

A flake lands on Stan's tongue.

A flake lands on Cartman's tongue.

Kenny points his head up, but just then a bird flies by and
shits in Kenny's mouth.

KENNY
PLMPH!!!

STAN
OH SICK, DUDE!!

Kyle sticks out his tongue, but --

CARTMAN
Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
Jewish people can't eat Christmas
snow!

KYLE
We can too!

STAN
No, I think it's against the law,
dude.

KYLE
OFFICER BARBRADY!!

Barbrady is standing in an intersection, directing traffic.

BARBRADY
What?

KYLE
IS IT ILLEGAL FOR JEWS TO EAT
CHRISTMAS SNOW?!

BARBRADY
Yes.

Kyle stares down at the ground, pouting.

KYLE
DAMMIT!

STAN
Hey, come on guys, we have to go to
the mall and tell Santa Claus what
we want for Christmas!

CARTMAN
Yeah, we'll see you later, Kyle.
Guess there's no reason for you to
come since you don't get Christmas
presents.

KYLE
No, but I get Hanukkah presents for
EIGHT DAYS!!

CARTMAN
Too bad it's usually a dreidel or
something lame like that.

Stan walks away from Kyle.

STAN
We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.

The kids all start to walk away from Kyle.

KYLE
Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do
have Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo!

The boys all stop.

STAN
What is this about Christmas poo
dude?

KYLE
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet
every year and gives presents to
everybody who has a lot of fiber in
their diet.

CARTMAN
Oh Kyle, c'mon seriously, you are
really reaching right now.

KYLE
Well, you're gonna be sorry when you
see me riding around on Santa's sleigh
with Mr. Hankey, fat ass!

CARTMAN
(Super snooty)
You're not gonna ride on Santa's
sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, KYLE.

STAN
See ya, dude.

Everyone leaves. Kyle stands there alone... Sad. Sad, soft
music begins.

KYLE
It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any
games
And I can't sing Christmas songs
Or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph
'Cause there's something wrong with
me
My people don't believe in Jesus
Christ's Divinity
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas...

Kyle walks over to where he sees children laughing and playing
and sitting on Santa's lap. Kyle watches from the distance,
behind a tree.

KYLE
Hanukkah is nice, but why is it that
Santa passes over my house every
year?
And instead of eating ham I have to
eat kosher latkeef.
Instead of Silent Night
I'm singing Ooo chach to ga vive and
what the fuck is up with lighting
all these fucking candles tell me
please!
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew
On Christmas.

The song ends. Kyle slowly walks away.

EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

It appears that the whole town has come to protest.

Everybody is AD LIBBING complaints and shouts.

The Mayor tries to quiet everybody down as she walks up to a
podium on the steps.

MAYOR
Okay, everybody, settle down!

A random WOMAN steps up, followed by a few townmembers.

WOMAN
Mayor, we are deeply offended by the
nativity scene in front of the capital
office! Church and State are
SEPARATE!!

Her followers cheer. The town erupts again into complaints.

Kyle walks up to where the other boys are.

KYLE
What's going on you guys?

STAN
The whole town is pissed off at each
other. It's really sweet.

KYLE'S MOTHER
That isn't all Mayor! The school
play is doing a nativity scene! It
isn't being sensitive to the Jewish
community!

MR. GARRISON
You ARE the Jewish community!

The townspeople all AD LIB shouts and complaints again.

CARTMAN
Oh boy, super bitch is at it again.

KYLE
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

The town Priest steps up to the front of the crowd.

PRIEST
Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas
is all about! If you remove Christ,
you must remove Santa and Frosty and
all that garbage too!!

The Christians all cheer, some 'Boos'. The Mayor rolls her
eyes.

OLDER MAN
And we must put a STOP to the cutting
down of Christmas trees!!

JIMBO
And I'm sick and tired of those little
flaps on coffee lids! If you don't
want to spill your coffee then you
shouldn't be driving with it!!

Silence... The townspeople all look around...

Finally, they all cheer again, in spite of themselves.

MAYOR
(Quieting them again)
Okay, people... Clearly we need to
reach a compromise... Perhaps we
need a new icon for Christmas.

The mayor makes a specific 'all encompassing' gesture with
her hands (see Trey).

ASSISTANT #2
Ooh! Brilliant idea Mayor!

The townspeople think.

The townspeople all AD LIB agreement.

KYLE
(Shouting out)
Hey, how about Mr. Hankey The
Christmas Poo?

Everybody turns and looks at Kyle.

Cartman and Stan roll their eyes.

MAYOR
Excuse me?

STAN
Oh boy, here we go again.

Kyle's Mother and Father look scared.

KYLE
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet
every year and gives presents to
everybody who has a lot of fiber in
their diet.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle, shush!

KYLE
It's true! He doesn't care what faith
you are!
(Singing)
Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo!
He loves me!
And I love you!
Therefore, vicariously, he loves
you!
Even if you're...

CARTMAN
Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed
little boy.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm!

STAN
(Laughing)
Yeah!

Kyle's mother rushes over and grabs Kyle by the arm.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Okay, Kyle, we're leaving RIGHT NOW!

KYLE
Wait!

Kyle's mom hurries him off.

MAYOR
Anyway... I'll put together a crack
team of my best workers to make sure
this will be the most non-offensive
Christmas ever to any religious or
minority group of any kind. Are there
any other suggestions?

Mr. Garrison raises his hand.

MAYOR
Yes, Mr. Garrison?

MR. GARRISON
Could we get rid of all the Mexicans?

MAYOR
No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid
of all the Mexicans.

MR. GARRISON
Rats.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Kyle's house is GARISHLY decorated with Hanukkah crap. A
menorah has six candles lit.

Ike is entertaining himself with a dreidel.

KYLE'S FATHER
It is SICK and disgusting and we
simply will NOT HAVE IT!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Your father's right, Kyle.

Kyle just looks down at the floor.

KYLE'S FATHER
Sheila, let me handle this. Having
imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but
this simply will NOT DO!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Listen to your father, Kyle.

Ike goes chasing after his dreidel and crashes head first
into the Menorah.

KYLE'S FATHER
Now, I want you repeat after me.
'There is no such thing as Mr.
Hankey'.

KYLE
But dad! He always --

KYLE'S FATHER
SAY IT!

Kyle sighs deeply.

KYLE
(defeated)
There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

KYLE'S FATHER
Again.

KYLE
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.

KYLE'S MOTHER
This is for your own good, boobie.

KYLE'S FATHER
Now you go brush your teeth, and
march in to bed! You won't be opening
your Hanukkah present tonight.

Kyle hangs his head low and slinks into the bathroom.

KYLE
(Under his breath)
Probably just another stupid dreidel
anyway...

KYLE'S FATHER
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

KYLE
I said Ike's on fire.

As Kyle leaves, his mother and father turn around and see
that Ike, sure enough, has caught on fire. They run over to
him and cover him with a blanket.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh my God!

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Kyle stands on a little stool, brushing his teeth in the
mirror.

KYLE
It isn't fair! I don't want to be an
outcast!

After a few seconds, Kyle hears a small noise coming from
the toilet... drip... drip...

Kyle looks down at the toilet, then quickly looks away and
goes back to brushing his teeth.

MR. HANKEY
Hellllooo!

KYLE
I'm not hearing that.

MR. HANKEY
Hellllooo!

Drip... Drip...

Now Kyle walks over to the toilet and peers in.

KYLE
Mr. Hankey?

Just then, from the depths of the toilet bowl, comes
laughable, lovable MR. HANKEY, a jolly old piece of poo with
a red and white Christmas hat.

MR. HANKEY
HOWDY HO!!!!

Hankey flies up into the air, bounces off a wall, and lands
on the counter.

MR. HANKEY
Howdy Ho, Kyle! Gosh you're lookin'
swell.

KYLE
Go away, Mr. Hankey.

MR. HANKEY
You know something, pal? You smell
an awful lot like flowers.

KYLE
I said go away. My dad says you aren't
real.

MR. HANKEY
Not real? Well shucks, if I weren't
real, could I sing this jolly
Christmas song?

Music kicks in. Mr. Hankey throws his arms up.

MR. HANKEY
(Singing)
Santa Claus is on his way
He loaded goodies on his sleigh
He'll drop 'em off on Christmas Day
And I'll say HOWDY HO!!

As Hankey sings, he does a little dance. Leaping all around
the bathroom, and leaving a small trail of brown wherever he
goes.

KYLE
Mr. Hankey! SHHH! I'll get in trouble!

MR. HANKEY
(Singing)
Folks'll gather round the fire
Sing a song form a choir
Pretty soon they'll all retire
And I'll say HOWDY HO!!

As the song continues, Hankey jumps up to the mirror and
writes 'Noel' in brown on it.

POUNDING at the door.

KYLE'S FATHER
Kyle? What are you doing in there?

KYLE
NOTHING!

KYLE'S FATHER
Open this door!

MR. HANKEY
I hope that Santa comes real soon
been waiting since the first of June --

KYLE
Mr. Hankey come here!

Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey --

But suddenly, the door bursts open. We see only the expression
on Kyle's Father's face. He is almost in shock.

Now we see what dad sees. The entire bathroom, the walls the
floors the mirrors, are smeared with poo.

Slowly, the camera pans to Kyle who is just standing there
with a lifeless, plain lump of poo in his hand.

KYLE'S FATHER
KYLEEEEE!!!

Kyle looks at the piece of poo in his hand.

KYLE
Say something Mr. Hankey!

The poo is motionless.

INT. KYLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Kyle's father stands at the door. Kyle is in bed. Dad flicks
the light off.

KYLE'S FATHER
NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP AND THINK ABOUT
HOW YOUR POOR MOTHER HAS TO CLEAN
THAT BATHROOM UP!!

KYLE'S MOTHER
(very distant)
Wh... Wha... WHAT Me?!

Kyle's father slams the door shut.

Kyle is left alone in the darkness.

MR. HANKEY
HOWDY HO!!

Mr. Hankey jumps down on the bed next to Kyle.

KYLE
Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you
go?!

MR. HANKEY
You should be wearing socks to sleep,
Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.

KYLE
NOBODY believes in you! Not even my
friends!

MR. HANKEY
Ooh, gee that's too bad...

KYLE
Hey, how about you come to school
with me tomorrow, so I can at least
prove I'm not crazy to my friends?

MR. HANKEY
Say, that sounds like a swell idea!
We can show everyone the true spirit
of Christmas!

KYLE
Yeah! We'll show them!

Mr. Hankey tucks himself in next to Kyle, and the two fall
asleep.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

Establishing shot of morning on festively decorated South
Park avenue.

MAYOR
Okay people we've got to turn this
place around! Take down anything
that is offensive to any specific
group!

The townspeople start taking decorations off the front of
the buildings.

Jimbo is on a ladder in front of his store's doorway.

JIMBO
Is mistletoe offensive?

MAYOR
(Calling out)
Is anyone offended by mistletoe?

One guy in the corner raises his hand.

MAYOR
Lose the mistletoe!

EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

Cartman, Stan and Kenny are waiting at the busstop.

STAN
You guys!! I'm getting that John
Elway football helmet for Christmas!

CARTMAN
How do you know?

STAN
'Cause I looked in my parents closet
last night!

CARTMAN
Yeah, well I sneaked around my mom's
closet too and saw what I'm getting:
The 'UltraVibe Pleasure 2000'.

STAN
What's that?

CARTMAN
I don't know, but it sounds pretty
sweet.

Kyle walks up, carrying a little shoebox.

KYLE
Hello, everybody!

STAN
What's in the box, Dude?

KYLE
It's a surprise!

CARTMAN
Lemme see!

KYLE
Oh, okay, but don't scare him...

Stan slowly opens the lid and peers into the box. Cartman
and Kenny look in as well.

Silence...

Silence...

Kyle is the only one smiling, the other boys look deeply
disturbed.

STAN
Dude! SICK!!!

Kyle looks in the box, again Mr. Hankey is just a lump of
shit. No eyes, no hat, no gloves...

CARTMAN
Is this some kind of Jewish
tradition?!

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph!

KYLE
Wait you guys! He's alive!

STAN
Kyle... I think you better get home
and get some sleep.

KYLE
(To the box)
COME ON, DANCE!! DANCE!!!

Cartman, Stan and Kenny look at each other with deep concern.

KYLE
DANCE DAMN YOU!!

INT. LABORATORY - DAY

The second Mayor's assistant is in a white lab coat, and
standing at the front of a group of people, holding a
clipboard. (Is that a shitty sentence or what?)

ASSISTANT #2
Now, this is very simple. I'm going
to say words, and the computer will
measure how offended you are by them.
In this way, we can find out which
words are least offensive for use in
the holiday season... Are we ready?

The townspeople just sit there, connected to wires and
computers.

MAN
Here we go... Christ.

A few beeps go off.

MAN
Okay... CHAIR.

No computer sound.

MAN
CAMEL.

A few little beeps go off.

MAN
SAND.

Silence.

MAN
STUPID WHOP DEGO.

BEEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!!!

MAN
BENCH...

EXT. SOUTH PARK - ELEMENTARY

Establishing.

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

The nativity stuff has been taken down. A small crew is in
the process of taken down all the pictures of Santa Claus as
well.

Two big guys start to drag the Christmas tree out.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, do you have to take the Christmas
tree too?

BURLY GUY
Mayor's orders.

The children all watch with sad eyes as their cute little
set is dismantled.

MR. GARRISON
Okay children, I'm really having a
hard time with our Christmas play.

The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with
Jesus OR Santa Claus...

CARTMAN
Thanks to Kyle's mother.

KYLE
Shut up, Cartman!

MR. GARRISON
So does anybody know any non-Santa
or non-Jesus Christmas songs?

Cartman raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON
Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN
How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom is a
Stupid Bitch in D minor'.

KYLE
I told you NOT to call my mom a bitch,
CARTMAN!!

CARTMAN
Oh!

MUSIC kicks in.

CARTMAN
Wellllllll....
(Singing)
Kyle's mom's a bitch!
She a big fat bitch!
She's the biggest bitch
In the whole wide world!
She's a stupid bitch if there ever
was a bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and
girls.

KYLE
Shut up, Cartman!

As Cartman continues, Mr. Hankey hops out in front of Kyle.
Nobody notices except for Kyle.

MR. HANKEY
Howdy ho!

KYLE
(Softly)
Mr. Hankey!

CARTMAN
Monday she's a bitch!
On Tuesday she's a bitch!
And Wednesday through Saturday
She's a bitch!
And then on Sunday just to be
different
She's a super King Kamayamaya BITCH!

MR. HANKEY
Golly, that isn't very nice! I'd
sure like to teach him a lesson!

Kyle reaches for Hankey, but Hankey slips through his hands,
leaps off the desk and hurls himself at Cartman.

CARTMAN
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's
mom
She's the biggest bitch in the whole
wide world
She's a mean ol' bitch and she has
stupid hair, she's a bi... bi...
bi... bi bitch...
She's a stupid bitch.
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's a
just a dirty bitch.
Kyle's mom is a BITCH!

The singing and music stops.

KYLE
Mr. Hankey, NO!

MR. HANKEY
Aah!

MR. GARRISON
What the...

Garrison looks down at the little lifeless lump of poo on
the floor.

CARTMAN
GROSS, KYLE!!

MR. GARRISON
OH MY LORD!! KYLE, DID YOU JUST THROW
DOO-DOO AT ERIC?!?!

Kyle is just sitting there, wide eyed, with a big brown stain
on his hand.

KYLE
Uhh...

The whole class erupts into AD LIB 'GROSS!'s and 'SICK's.

CARTMAN
YOU SICK BASTARD!

Kyle slinks in his desk as the children all point and laugh
at him.

INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Kyle is sitting in the counselor's office, facing the odd,
wiry counselor.

COUNSELOR
Now, Kyle as your school counselor,
I want to try and help you confront
your problem, okay.

KYLE
I don't have a problem!

COUNSELOR
Well it's MY understanding that you...
(checking his notes)
...You have an acute case of
fecalphelia.

KYLE
What's that?

COUNSELOR
Well, a fecalpheliac is somebody who
is obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.

KYLE
Mookie-stinks?

COUNSELOR
Now, I also understand that you're
Jewish, is that right Kyle?

KYLE
Well, not on purpose!

COUNSELOR
So, this must be a pretty hard time
of year for you... Being Christmas
and all. Do the other kids make fun
of you?

KYLE
Well, sometimes.

COUNSELOR
And that must make you mad.

KYLE
Well, sure.

COUNSELOR
Mad enough to KILL, Kyle?

DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS UP QUICKLY.

KYLE
No, dude!

THE MUSIC ENDS.

COUNSELOR
Oh, that's good.

Kyle looks confused.

COUNSELOR
You see Kyle, sometimes we feel like
an outsider, we create friends, okay?
in our minds, okay?

KYLE
But Mr. Hankey seems so real.

COUNSELOR
Well, of course he does. In your
screwed up little head he's the only
friend you have.

The counselor takes a sip of his coffee. When he sets the
mug back down, Kyle notices that Mr. Hankey is in the mug,
wearing a shower cap and brushing his back with a scrub brush.
He is whistling merrily, then he waves at Kyle.

MR. HANKEY
Kyle, Howdy Ho!

Kyle's eyes widen hugely.

COUNSELOR
Right now you're nuttier than Chinese
Chicken Salad, okay?

Kyle nervously looks back to the counselor.

COUNSELOR
I mean, you're one screwed up little
kid, do you understand?

The counselor takes another sip of coffee. Kyle cringes.

MR. HANKEY
Santa's loaded up his sleigh Soon
he'll be on his merry way...

COUNSELOR
So just try to stay positive, stay
away from drugs and alcohol, and in
the meantime, I'm going to put you
on a heavy regimen of Prozac.

Finally, the counselor looks down at his mug.

COUNSELOR
WAGAHAGHAGHA!!!! OH MY GOD YOU SICK
LITTLE MONKEY!!

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, we've just received
word from the Mayor that the Christmas
play can't include any Christmas
lights, since they offend people
with epilepsy.

The children all moan.

MR. GARRISON
So, Kenny, would you please go over
and pull the light cords out of the
wall?

Kenny looks a little scared, but walks over to where the
HUGE mass of Christmas light wires are plugged into the wall.

MR. GARRISON
Careful now Kenny, those are very
very dangerous.

The children all watch on as Kenny grabs the cords and pulls
them out. There is a SPARK!!

But Kenny just stands there, unharmed. He sighs with relief
and walks back to the group.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, now let's practice our --

COUNSELOR
No! Get away from me!!!

The counselor runs in, followed by innocent little Kyle.

KYLE
Here, just look more closely at it!

COUNSELOR
NO!! GO AWAY!! Stan, you need to do
something about your friend, okay?
Get him outta here before he hurts
anybody, okay?

EXT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY

The same institution that Garrison was in episode 2.

INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY

The boys walk Kyle into the front office, which is decorated
with Christmas things. He walks up to a plain looking nurse.

STAN
Hello, we need to commit our friend
Kyle, please.

NURSE
Reason?

KYLE
I'm a clinically depressed
fecalpheliac on prosaic.

NURSE
Any allergies?

KYLE
No.

NURSE
JACKET!!!

Suddenly, two burly men in white burst out, slap a straight-
jacket on Kyle and drag him away.

CARTMAN
Bye, Kyle! Happy Hanukkah!

FADE OUT:

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

The kids are all dressed in festive costumes, darting around
and getting ready for their big night.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, children, does everyone have
their leotards on?

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

It appears the entire town has turned out for the Christmas
Play. The townspeople all fill the bleachers in anticipation.

MAN
Good, it looks like they've taken
the Christmas trees down.

WOMAN
Yes, and there's nothing Christian
either. This should be great.

KYLE'S MOTHER
(Sniffling)
Oh, this could be such a wonderful
Christmas play. I wish our little
Kyle was here to see it.

INT. PADDED CELL - NIGHT

Kyle is in an all white padded cell wearing his all white
straight jacket.

KYLE
(Singing)
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
With dreidel I will play.
Second verse, same as the first!
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel...

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

The townspeople sit in the bleachers.

ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the South Park Elementary
Holiday.....

TOWNSPERSON
Wait wait!! There's a star above the
stage! That's very offensive to non-
Christians!

JIMBO
Oh, come on!

TOWNSPERSON
HEY! Don't push your beliefs on ME
buddy!!

STAN'S FATHER
I agree!

MR. GARRISON
Oh, brother... Kenny would you please
climb that ladder and take down the
star above the stage?

Kenny nervously looks over to a rickety old ladder.

Like a trooper, Kenny walks over and takes the first few
steps.

MR. GARRISON
And be careful not to fall in that
little pool below you Kenny, the
shark for the third act is in there.

Kenny looks down and sees that there is indeed a huge
maneating shark in the pool below him.

KENNY
Mmph!

Kenny climbs the ladder quickly.

The lights dim.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
South Park Elementary Holiday
EXPERIENCE!! Before we bring out the
kiddies for the play here's a
nonoffensive, non-denominational
Holiday song by the school Chef!

The townspeople applaud. Chef takes the stage as MUSIC begins.

CHEF
I'm gonna lay you down by the yule
log
I'm gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silent your night...

Kenny shakes a bit at the top of the ladder. He looks down
and sees the ominous shark below him.

CHEF
You'll hear the herald angels sing
when I'm sliding off your bra.
I Just can't wait to jingle your
bells and
Fa La La your La!
Baby it's Christmas!!

STAN
I wish Kyle was here, it just doesn't
seem right without him.

CARTMAN
Well, old Kyle is going to be locked
up for a while, so get used to it.

MR. GARRISON
Okay kids, get ready to take your
places.

INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

NARRATOR
Thank you Chef. And now South Park
Elementary presents the happy non-
offensive non-denominational Christmas
play! With music and lyrics by New
York minimalist composer Phillip
Glass!

Phillip glass stands at his keyboard and waves.

Stan, Cartman, Kenny and all the other kids take the stage
in their drab, brown outfits.

The extremely lame and gay Phillip Glass music starts.

The boys and girls all start to sing.

PHILLIP GLASS
AS I TURN AND LOOK INTO THE SUN, THE
RAYS BURN MY EYES HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

The parents all look confused.

PHILLIP GLASS
HOW LIKE A TURTLE THE SUN LOOKS...

KYLE'S MOTHER
What the hell is this? This is
horrible!

PRIEST
This is the most god-awful piece of
crap I've ever seen!

Philip Glass looks around, worried.

MR. GARRISON
Hey! YOU'RE the ones who made it
this way!!

PRIEST
Yeah! It's because the Jews said it
couldn't be Christian!

KYLE'S FATHER
It wasn't our idea to take out Santa
Claus!!

ENVIRONMENTALIST
ALL YOU BASTARDS RUINED CHRISTMAS.

The townspeople all lash out at each other. In a fury, they
charge and start beating the crap out of one another.

KYLE'S FATHER
Get him in the ribs.

ENVIRONMENTALIST
Damn tree hugger!

The children just look on helplessly as their parents fight
like dogs.

STAN
This sucks, dude. This is like the
worst Christmas I've ever seen!

WENDY
Yeah.

CHEF
Say, where's Kyle?

STAN
We committed him.

CHEF
What? Why?

STAN
'Cause he kept seeing this little
brown piece of Christmas poo
everywhere that he went.

CHEF
Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey?

The boys all freeze.

STAN
Huh? Uh-Oh!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THE COMMERCIAL

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A wholesome, pretty mother walks into the dining room, where
her two kids, a ten year old BOY and an eight year old GIRL
are looking bored at the table.

MOTHER
Say kids, why the long faces?

BOY
We're bored.

GIRL
There's nothin' to do.

MOTHER
Well, maybe this will help!

The mother pulls a box out from nowhere. It is a very colorful
box with Mr. Hankey on the front.

BOY
WOW! MR. HANKEY CONSTRUCTION SET!!!

GIRL
COOL!!!

Happy MUSIC kicks in.

ANNOUNCER
That's right, kids, now you can make
your very own Mr. Hankey!

The girl dumps the box out onto the table.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

The kids and mom are kneeled down by the toilet bowl.

ANNOUNCER
Just use this special fecal fishing
net, and select your best Mr. Hankey.

GIRL
That one!

The mom dips the little fishing net into the toilet.

ANNOUNCER
Then use the hand-crafted Hankey-
stand to add whatever eyes, mouths
and hats you want!

The little girl puts the finishing touches on a little Mr.
Hankey, perched on a wooden platform.

BOY
I made a mariachi Mr. Hankey.

GIRL
Now it's a Mrs. Hankey.

BOY
Let's put the fez hat on him.

GIRL
I wish daddy was still alive.

The mother smiles.

ANNOUNCER
The Mr. Hankey construction set comes
with everything seen here.

MOTHER
Hey, where's Mr. Hankey?

The baby claps its hands and laughs, covered in brown
(chocolate, of course).

MOTHER
I love you sweetheart.

GIRL
I love you too.

The mother laughs merrily with her children.

FADE OUT:

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK - ELEMENTARY

ESTABLISHING

STAN
This is horrible. Everybody's fighting
and my best friend is in an
institution... All because we didn't
believe in Mr. Hankey.

CHEF
Well, you can believe in him now.

Two parents go hurling through frame, beating the shit out
of each other.

STAN
I believe!

Stan looks at Cartman.

WENDY
I believe in Mr. Hankey!

MR. HANKEY
HOWDY HO!!!

The boys all turn to see Mr. Hankey! Who has flipped out of
his shoebox and is magically floating in the air.

MR. HANKEY
HOWDY FOLKS! Gosh you sure do smell
nice and flowery!

STAN AND CARTMAN
Whoa!!!

MR. HANKEY
Howdy Ho, Chef!

CHEF
Howdy Ho, Mr. Hankey.

CARTMAN
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys,
I'm going home. Talking poo is where
I draw the line.

MR. HANKEY
What's all the ruckus?

CHEF
I'm glad your here Mr. Hankey, the
whole town is about to kill each
other.

Stan and Cartman watch this exchange with open mouths and
wide eyes.

MR. HANKEY
I reckon this could be a job for Mr.
Hankey!

INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT

The townspeople are all still beating the shit out of each
other, when suddenly, they hear a loud whistle.

MR. HANKEY
STOP FIGHTING!!!

Everybody turns and sees little Mr. Hankey standing on the
edge of the stage.

MAYOR
Oh my God, what the hell is that
thing?

MR. HANKEY
Come on, gang, don't fight!

The townspeople look at each other.

MR. HANKEY
You people have focused so hard on
the things wrong with Christmas,
that you've forgotten what's so right
about it! Don't you see? This is the
one time of year we're supposed to
forget all the bad stuff. Stop being
sad about the state of world... And
for just one day, say 'Oh to heck
with it! Let's sing and dance and
bake cookies!'

The townspeople just sit there. In shock.

Silence...

Finally, the sound of one person clapping echoes in the
distance. Everyone turns to see Kyle's father, clapping
softly, but slowly getting louder and faster.

Kyle's Father claps even harder and then a few people join
in... Then more people join in.

Finally the whole auditorium erupts into glorious applause.
They stand and cheer.

Mr. Hankey smiles.

STAN
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right
here.

INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY

Kyle is sitting in his padded cell all alone. A very sad
Christmas.

KYLE
(Softly)
I'm a Jew A lonely Jew
But... what's that?

JINGLE BELLS are heard in the distance. Kyle picks his head
up and looks around.

A little figure drops onto the windowsill.

MR. HANKEY
HOWDY HO, KYLE!!!

Kyle rolls his eyes.

KYLE
Oh, no! I'm not sane yet.

MR. HANKEY
I brought some friends with me!

KYLE
Friends?

Suddenly, the whole place illuminates with colorful lights
and festive voices.

Kyle looks down out of his window and sees that the ENTIRE
TOWN has come and gathered in front of the mental institution.
Kyle can't believe his eyes -- EVERYBODY is there with
candles, trees, lights and joy.

EVERYBODY
MERRY CHRISTMAS KYLE BROFLOVSKI!!

KYLE
You mean you can see him?! I'M NOT
CRAZY?!

Kyle runs outside and joins the group, just as they all join
hands and start to sing.

ALL
(Singing)
Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo!
He loves me!
I love you!
Therefore, vicariously, he loves
you!
Even if you're a Jew!

Mr. Hankey bounces over and gives Kyle a big kiss. Kyle
laughs, in spite of himself.

SINGER
Sometimes he's nutty!
Sometimes he's corny!
He can be brown or greenish brown!
But if you eat fiber Christmas Eve
He Might come to your town!

Mr. Hankey stands on top of a roof and starts tossing out
presents to all the townspeople.

ALL
MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO, HE
LOVES ME, I LOVE YOU.....

Mr. Hankey jumps back down on the ground, and then starts
hopping away.

MR. HANKEY
Well, I've got a LONG night ahead of
me!! BYE, BYE! AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

CARTMAN
Goodbye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of
presents! I always believed in you!!!

SANTA
HOWDY HO, HO, HO...

Mr. Hankey crosses a full moon and disappears.

STAN
You know, I learned something today.
I learned that Jewish people are OK,
and that Hanukkah can be cool too.

The boys just stand there.

KYLE
Yeah, you know... It seems like
something's still not right...

Kyle looks around and focuses on Kenny, who is just standing
there, looking fine.

CARTMAN
Yeah... Something feels unfinished.

The boys look at Kenny. Kenny starts to look a little nervous.

STAN
Well, what could it be?

The boys stare at Kenny as a TITLE FADES UP

TITLE: THE END

Kenny puts his arms up in victory and jumps up and down with
the merriest holiday cheer ever.

KENNY
Mmmf mrrr rmmmm.

Credits begin to roll.

EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCESS STATION - NIGHT

INT. TELEVISION SET - NIGHT

Jesus sits at a large rectangular table (a la the last supper
table) which is decorated with birthday goodies, on the set
of 'Jesus and Pals'.

Several places are set, but the chairs are empty.

Jesus sits sadly in the middle with a birthday hat on his
head, singing softly to himself.

JESUS
(Sadly)
Happy birthday to me...
Happy birthday to me...

Jesus sighs and blows out his candles.

Darkness.

THE END

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