"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 109

"STARVIN MARVIN"

by

Trey Parker



EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Establishing.

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The boys are all gathered on Cartman's couch watching
television. They are all laughing.

STAN
That was awesome!!

KYLE
Yeah!

Cartman's mother steps in front of the T.V.

MS. CARTMAN
Would you boys like some cheesy poofs?

CARTMAN
(Pissed)
Get out of the way, mom! The Terrance
and Phillip Thanksgiving special is
on!!

MS. CARTMAN
(Walking away)
Sure hon.

CARTMAN
(Calling after her)
And yeah we want cheesy poofs!!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

EXT. PLYMOUTH - DAY

Terrance and Phillip, wearing pilgrim hats, stand in front
of a boat.

PHILLIP
Hey Terrance, looks like this might
be a good place to start a new colony.

TERRANCE
It sure does Phillip. Nobody will
oppress our religion here!

Terrance farts loudly on Phillip.

PHILLIP
OH!! YOU STAINED MY PILGRIM HAT,
BUTT PIPE!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The boys all laugh merrily, now surrounded by bags of cheesy
poofs.

CARTMAN
Did you guys see that?! That was
sweet!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

NARRATOR
Coming up next on The Terrance and
Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip
farts on Terrance and laughs!

KYLE
Oh, Cool!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

NARRATOR
And now a word from our sponsor.

A commercial begins. An image of desolate, barren land.

FEMALE VOICE
(Voice over)
Here in the heart of Africa, children
are dying. Not from disease or war...
but from hunger.

An image of starving kids with flies all around them.

FEMALE VOICE
I'm Sally Struthers...

Sally steps in front of the camera; a big, fat pig.

SALLY STRUTHERS
These children are in desperate need,
and only you can help.

STAN
Hey, who's that fat chick?

KYLE
Sally Struthers, dude. She used to
be on Full House.

STAN
Oh.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

SALLY STRUTHERS
You see, here in the middle of Africa,
food is extremely scarce --

STAN
Doesn't look like she's having any
trouble finding food.

KYLE
Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.

CARTMAN
Yeah. ...Hey!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

SALLY STRUTHERS
For just five dollars a month, you
can sponsor a child.

CARTMAN
That's stupid. Who the hell would
want to do that?

SALLY STRUTHERS
Sponsor now, and we'll also send you
this Taiko Digital Sports watch as a
free gift.

CARTMAN
KICK ASS!!

STAN
Sweet!!

The boys all rush to the phone.

STAN
I'll call! I know my mom's credit
card number!!

Stan dials the number.

KYLE
Did they say if its water-proof?

STAN
Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?
(Pause)
Oh...

KYLE
What'd she say?

STAN
Shut up, butt pirate, I'm trying to
hear!

KYLE
Ass rammer.

STAN
(Into phone)
Yes... Yeah, we want to adopt a
starving Etheropian.

CARTMAN
When do we get the sports watch?

STAN
JUST A SECOND, FAT ASS!!

CARTMAN
You vas diferens!

STAN
(Into the phone)
Hello? No, it's a mastercard...

Stan suddenly stops and puts the phone down.

STAN
(To Cartman)
Vas diferens?!

The boys all look at Cartman, who just shrugs.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rpmh.

STAN
Oh.

KYLE
Ask her if we get the watch right
away!

STAN
(Back to the phone)
Do we get the sports watch right
away?
(to the other boys)
She says we do.

BOYS
Coooool.

CARTMAN
I get to wear it first you guys!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The class is decorated with Thanksgiving garb. The boys are
ancy in their seats.

KYLE
I can't wait to get out of school
and get our Taiko Sports watch!

CARTMAN
Yeah, but I get to wear it first. I
said!!

Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class.

MR. GARRISON
Children, children, to honor this
special time of year, we'll be doing
a canned food drive. Does anybody
know what a canned food drive is?

Cartman raises his hand.

MR. GARRISON
Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN
When they cut up a chick's stomach
to get a baby out?

MR. GARRISON
...No, that's a Caesarian section,
Eric... But that's okay. Remember
there are no stupid questions, just
stupid people.

Cartman thinks.

MR. GARRISON
A canned food drive is when we collect
canned food for poor people who can't
afford to eat on Thanksgiving.

STAN
(Pointing)
You mean like Kenny?

MR. GARRISON
Exactly.

CARTMAN
(Raising his hand)
Mr. Garrison, why do poor people
always smell like sour milk?

Garrison sighs and rolls his eyes.

MR. GARRISON
I don't know, Eric, they just do.

Kyle leans over and smells Kenny.

MR. GARRISON
Now children, I want each of you to
bring in ONE CAN of food, and later
the Mayor of South Park will divide
it up amongst Kenny's family and
other poor people.

CARTMAN
I'm not bringing in food for poor
people. Screw them!

WENDY
Don't you want to help those who are
less fortunate?

CARTMAN
Hey you guys, do you hear something?
I think I hear the flower children
calling.

WENDY
This is the one time of year you're
supposed to care about people who
can't eat.

CARTMAN
Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?!
What about the poor houses that I
pay for?!

WENDY
Many would rather die than go to
those places!

CARTMAN
Well then perhaps they should, and
decrease the surplus population!

MR. GARRISON
Okay, kids, that's enough Dickens
for one day. Let's get on with our
lesson. Right Mr. Hat?

MR. HAT
That's right Mr. Garrison, Englbert
Humperdink was the first person on
the moon, who was second?

Suddenly, a group of turkeys burst into the classroom and
gobble loudly.

CLYDE
AGHAGAGAH!!!!!

The turkeys peck and move wildly, causing all the kids to
jump up on their desks. Even Mr. Garrison gets up on his
desk.

MR. GARRISON
What the hell is going on?!

The Turkeys quickly tear the room apart. Knocking over desks,
and tearing everything off the walls.

Just as quickly as they came, the turkeys leave. Leaving the
classroom a disaster.

GARRISON
Well... You don't see that everyday.

EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Establishing.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The mayor is pacing in her office.

MAYOR
Okay, now once we have all the canned
foods collected... We'll need some
clever way to distribute them to the
poor...

ASSISTANT
It should be something festive!

Suddenly, the genetic engineer (Mr. Mephesto from ep. 105)
bursts into the office with his little monkey boy.

MEPHESTO
Mayor! We've got a very big problem!!

MAYOR
Ah... You're that insane genetic
engineer from up on the hill, right?

MAPHESTO
Yes, and I may have made a horrible
mistake! I was trying to genetically
engineer Turkeys for Thanksgiving...

MAYOR
(Skeptical)
Uh-huhhhh....

MEPHESTO
You know, to provide food for the
needy.

MAYOR
(Still skeptical)
Of course.

MEPHESTO
Well, something went wrong, and the
turkeys broke free, and the worst
part is... They're REALLY pissed
off!

MAYOR
(Still Skeptical)
Nnnaturally...

The Mayor turns to her assistants and does a 'crazy' signal
with her hand. The assistants laugh.

MAYOR
Oh do go on.

MEPHESTO
We have to stop them or they could
destroy everything! Time is short!!

The mayor again turns to her assistants, but this time pulls
out a koo-koo clock, and turns it on so the little bird comes
out -- 'Koo-koo'

The assistants laugh.

MAYOR
You were saying?

MEPHESTO
They act just like normal turkeys,
except they're evil.

MAYOR
Oh, my...

The mayor turns yet again to her assistants, this time, she
pulls a large mule out of nowhere. The mule goes 'heehorr'
and the assistants laugh.

MEPHESTO
Somehow I don't think you're taking
me seriously.

MAYOR
Now why would you say that?

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

The boys BURST in through Cartman's front door.

BOYS
(Ad libbing)
DID IT COME?! DID IT COME?! IS IT
HERE YET?! I GET TO USE IT FIRST YOU
GUYS!!

The boys look around and see nothing.

CARTMAN
Mom... Did our Digital Sports Watch
come yet?

CARTMAN'S MOM
(Peeping in)
Not yet, hon...

The boys all get bummed.

STAN
Damn!

KYLE
Hey look you guys!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

ANNOUNCER
And now back to part two of the
Terrance & Phillip Thanksgiving
Special

TERRANCE
I sure am cold Phillip.

PHILLIP
Yes, and hungry too. Being a Pilgrim
totally sucks ass.

TERRANCE
Gosh, I hope we don't starve.

Phillip suddenly farts.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door! The boys all look at
each other with huge eyes.

After a pause, they RUSH to the door.

KYLE
THE DIGITAL SPORTS WATCH IS HERE!!!

Cartman opens the door.

The boys' faces all drop.

Standing there, looking pitiful and hungry, is a little
Ethiopian child.

CARTMAN
What the hell?!

STAN
Dude, that's not a digital sports
watch.

KYLE
Hey... It looks like one of those
Etheropians.

STAN
Oh, man! They must have accidentally
sent him instead of the Sports watch!

KYLE
Maybe they took it literally when we
said we wanted to adopt a kid!

The little kid speaks.

STARVIN' MARVIN
(Making clicking sounds)
Embaba dabubu.

KYLE
Whoa! That was cool!

STAN
Yeah, how'd he make those clicking
sounds?

KYLE
What's your name, dude?

STARVIN' MARVIN
Bubu da Barbin.

STAN
I think he said his name is 'Marvin'.

CARTMAN
(Laughing)
Yeah. STARVIN' Marvin!

The boys all laugh.

KYLE
Nice to meet you, Starvin' Marvin!

Marvin blinks.

CARTMAN
Hey Mom!

CARTMAN'S MOM
(Leaning in)
Yes, hon?

CARTMAN
We found a Etheropian; can we keep
him?

CARTMAN'S MOM
Sure, hon.

CARTMAN
Sweet.

STAN
Dude, let's bring him to school
tomorrow!

KYLE
Come on, Starvin' Marvin! I want you
to meet my little brother.

CARTMAN
No, No! He's my son, I adopted him.

STAN
It was MY mom's credit card!

KYLE
Okay, okay we'll switch off. Starvin'
Marvin can stay here for a week.
Then at Stan's, then with me.

CARTMAN
Yeah, and never with Kenny 'cause
his family is too poor.

KYLE
Totally!

The boys all laugh. Kenny kicks Cartman.

CARTMAN
OW!

EXT. STARK'S POND - NIGHT

A young couple is walking along the pond holding hands and
looking lovingly at one another.

WOMAN
Look how the leaves fall so delicately
on the surface of the pond. It's so
beautiful...

MAN
Not as beautiful as you.

WOMAN
Oh!

They kiss. Over the woman's shoulder the man sees a group of
turkeys. They have doubled in number.

MAN
Oh, Darling, look. Thanksgiving
turkeys.

WOMAN
Ooh, They're so beautiful...

MAN
Not as beautiful as you.

The turkeys come close and surround the couple. The man turns
to the woman.

WOMAN
Look at the way they foam at the
mouth. Like beautiful suds of beer.

MAN
Not as beautiful as --

Just then the group of turkeys attacks and tears the couples
clothes to shreds.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

INT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT

The boys and their families are gathered around a HUGE table.

STAN
This is a great way for you to
experience America, Starvin' Marvin.
This is what we call an 'All you can
eat buffet'.

Marvin looks around nervously.

CARTMAN
Yeah, here you can eat all you want
for only $6.99 That's why we all
come here on Tuesday nights. Except
for Kenny's family, 'cause to them
$6.99 is two year's income.

They all laugh merrily.

CARTMAN
Why is YOUR family poor, Starvin'
Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic
too?

Marvin just sits there. A waiter walks in and sets down a
large plate of shrimp.

CARTMAN
You see, Starvin Marvin, these are
what we call APPETIZERS.

STARVIN' MARVIN
Apee-tiser.

CARTMAN
This is what you eat before you eat...
to make you more hungry.

Marvin can't believe it.

The waiter reappears with several plates of food.

CARTMAN
Oop! Food's here! That's it for the
appetizers!

Cartman grabs the plate of shrimp and tosses it into a trash
can. Marvin's eyes absolutely pop.

The boys start to gorge themselves.

CARTMAN
No Starvin' Marvin that's my pot
pie!

STAN
Cartman you butt pipe, this is the
time of year you're supposed to share.

CARTMAN
Oh yeah you're right.
(to Marvin)
Are you going to eat all of your
peach cobbler? No you don't want all
that. Why don't you share it with
me... Let me just have some of that.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

Garrison stands before the class holding a box that reads
"Canned Food Drive."

GARRISON
Children, children, I'm a little
disappointed in your Thanksgiving
spirit. Only a few cans have been
donated to our canned food drive...

Garrison pulls out a few cans.

GARRISON
And can't we do a little better than --
(Reading the cans)
Creamed corn, creamed corn and creamed
corn?

The class stares blankly.

GARRISON
Please bring in more diverse food
children, or else Kenny's family is
going to have a pretty 'corny'
Thanksgiving.

Garrison pauses, and then starts laughing wildly.

The kids all just sit there, Kenny just stares, as Garrison
slaps his knee and laughs like he just told the best joke in
the world.

GARRISON
Corny... Corny... Gravy... Corny
Thanksgiving... Hoo!

Finally, Garrison contains himself.

GARRISON
Anyway, children, I understand a few
of you have brought in something
special for show and tell...

Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny raise their hands.

BOYS
(ad lib)
Yeah, yeah... We did. We do! We do!

GARRISON
All right, boys, show us what you've
brought.

The boys walk with Starvin' Marvin to the front of the class.

KYLE
This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin'
Marvin.

Marvin looks around nervously. He peeks into the box of canned
food.

STAN
He can do really cool stuff with his
voice. Show 'em, Starvin' Marvin.

Marvin says nothing, but instead reaches into the box and
pulls out a can of cream corn.

CARTMAN
No! Starvin' Marvin, that's KENNY's
creamed corn!

Cartman grabs the can and puts it back in the box

CARTMAN
No Starvin' Marvin... That's a BAD
starvin' Marvin!

GARRISON
Boys, what the hell are you doing?
This is horribly, horribly WRONG!!
How did you get this child?

STAN
He was accidentally delivered to us
instead of a sports watch.

GARRISON
The sports watch from the commercial?

KYLE
Yeah, that one.

BEBE
I want a Starvin' Marvin!

CLYDE
Me too!

PIP
Yes I'll pay fifty dollars for one!

All of a sudden, all the other children go crazy. AD LIBBING
'I want a Etheopian' etc.

GARRISON
Boys, you're too young to take care
of a child. I'm afraid I'm going to
have to call the Red Cross and have
him returned.

KYLE
(To Stan)
Aw! I TOLD you we shouldn't have
brought him to school, dude!!

INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you
can pick him up tonight. Bye now.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Now, boys I hope you've learned your
lesson.

STAN
No.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You can't care for this child!

KYLE
But I thought we were supposed to
care on Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Yes, but you don't actually get
involved with the child's lives.
You're supposed to just send money.
And once in a while they write you a
letter.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a
normal place like South Park.

STAN
So why can't he live here now?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Because he can't!

KYLE
Because why?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Because 8 year olds can't be parents.

KYLE
Then you take care of him.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
I can't. I'm, ah, very busy. I send
my $5 a month. See?

STAN
This sucks. Starvin' Marvin is our
friend.

CARTMAN
Oh well, back to the poor country
with you.

KYLE
You better watch what you say Cartman.
You might be poor and hungry some
day.

CARTMAN
Oh yeah, right.

EXT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - DUSK

Establishing. Lightning strikes.

INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - DUSK

Inside his lab, Mephesto is looking through a microscope.

MEPHESTO
I knew you were the only person who
would listen to me, Chef.

CHEF
Yeah, well let's get it over with.
This place gives me the Bubujeebies.

MEPHESTO
Look here, my microscope. Tell me
what you see...

Mephesto gestures towards his microscope. Chef puts his eye
on it.

CHEF
Uhh... I see an extreme close up of
Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.

MEPHESTO
Oh, whoops.

Mephesto quickly switches the plates under the microscope.

MEPHESTO
NOW tell me what you see.

CHEF
Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say
it looks like Turkey DNA.

MEPHESTO
Precisely. But look how rapidly its
dividing.

CHEF
What does it mean?

MEPHESTO
It means the turkeys are growing at
an exponential rate. If we don't
destroy them all...

ZOOM IN

MEPHESTO
They'll take over the town. Maybe
the WORLD!!!

CHEF
Oh Fudge!!

Dramatic MUSIC!!

CHEF
(Pause)
Aah, lemme' see that Vanessa Redgrave
thing again...

MEPHESTO
Sure.

EXT. SOUTH PARK

The sun sets, and night falls on South Park,

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Starvin' Marvin sits in the dark in Cartman's living room.

We hear car doors slam. Starvin' Marvin's eyes grow wide.

The front door bursts open. Two men in suits burst in.

AGENT 1
Hello there little boy, we're looking
for a starving African child who was
accidentally sent here instead of a
Taiko Sports Watch.

Marvin thinks for a LONG time...

Finally, Marvin points to Cartman's bedroom. The agents exit
offscreen.

We HEAR the agents bust into Cartman's room.

CARTMAN (O.S.)
Hey! Hey! What's going on? Hey, let
go of me! I'll kick you in the nuts!
Okay man?

Marvin is looking in the direction of the bedroom. The agents
enter. One has Cartman wrapped in a blanket slung over his
shoulder. We HEAR Cartman mumbling.

AGENT 1
(TO Marvin)
Here's your sports watch, son. Sorry
for the mix up.

Marvin takes the watch. The agents leave.

CARTMAN
(O.S. and distant)
HEY!!!! seriously. You're pissing me
off...

We HEAR the screech of tires. There is a pause. Marvin looks
down at the watch on his wrist. Then he looks up.

STARVIN' MARVIN
Sweeeet.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

There is a large crowd gathered in the middle of South Park.
We see the canned food grab capsule. There is a podium and
microphone set up.

The mayor and her assistant stand next to the can grab
capsule.

MAYOR
So, how does this thing work?

ASSISTANT
Well, Mayor. Its based on the cash
grab. But instead of money, the cans
of food are blown around inside the
capsule. The pov catches as many as
he can to feed his family.

MAYOR
Pov?

ASSISTANT
POVerty stricken citizen.

MAYOR
Oh, brilliant!

Suddenly the flock of wild turkeys (it is bigger now) attacks
the Thanksgiving decorations. A flurry of feathers,
decorations and gobbling.

MAYOR
Aaaah! What the HELL is THIS?

ASSISTANT
I don't know, Mayor.
(looking at a program)
I don't think it's listed on the
program.

Mephesto appears again.

MEPHESTO
They're increasing in number!! Mayor,
these are the vicious Turkeys I warned
you about!!

Chef appears Stan, Kyle and Kenny are following him.

CHEF
It's true, Mayor! those turkeys just
ripped apart my cafeteria!! WHOA!!

Just then the turkeys run past Chef, gobbling.

CHEF
YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS YOU
BASTARDS!!!

KYLE
Wow! Those are some PISSED OFF
turkeys!!

MAYOR
Okay, people, don't panic. Bring out
the defense squad!

Jimbo and Ned appear with shotguns. They immediately start
firing their guns, and the turkeys start running away.

MEPHESTO
We need more than that! They'll only
come back in increased numbers!!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Starvin' Marvin is sitting on Cartman's couch eating a pot-
pie and watching TV.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Terrance and Phillip are both wearing pilgrim costumes sitting
at a thanksgiving table with Native Americans.

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?

PHILLIP
Beans? Oh, oh, looks like we'll be
at war with these Indians soon. Wait
wait wait, here it comes... Oh, I
crapped my pants.

Terrance lets out a good fart. They both laugh. Marvin laughs.

PHILLIP
Oh, I think you got some spatter on
Chief Running Wolf!

TERRANCE
I spattered his face.

PHILLIP
Now he's a smelly Indian.

ANNOUNCER
We'll be back to Part Fourteen of
the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving
Special right after this:

COMMERCIAL - EXT. AFRICA

SALLY STRUTHERS
Hunger is an enemy that we ALL must
fight...

The camera PANS across the starving people.

ANGLE - MARVIN

Who perks up.

RESUME - TELEVISION

SALLY STRUTHERS
These children desperately need your
support...

The camera PANS across more starving Ethiopians. Now we see
Cartman in the background.

CARTMAN
(In the distance)
HEY! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!
THIS SUCKS!!

SALLY STRUTHERS
So please call and adopt a child
today.

CARTMAN
(Still in distance)
I'M SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF
OVER HERE!!!!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Marvin smiles at the television and takes another bite of
his pot-pie.

CARTMAN'S MOM
(Leaning in)
You want some more cheesy poofs,
hon?

Marvin thinks...

STARVIN' MARVIN
Ya I won da cheesy poof!

CARTMAN'S MOM
Okay!

STARVIN' MARVIN
Sweet.

EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

In the barren, desolate African landscape, Cartman is walking
among the starving masses, pissed off.

CARTMAN
This is SERIOUS BullSHIT!! There has
to be a Happy Burger around here
somewhere...

Cartman walks by a starving family.

CARTMAN
(Innocent and Sweet)
Excuse me, I am a lost little boy.
Could you help me?

The family just lies there, dying.

CARTMAN
Well SCREW YOU TOO!!

Cartman storms off.

CARTMAN
(Waving his arms around)
What the? ...Who the hell let all
these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody
ever heard of insect repellent?!

EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY

The whole town has gathered for the Thanksgiving day canned
food grab.

Kenny is onstage with the mayor.

MAYOR
Alright everyone, it's time to give
out canned food to the poor.

The townspeople cheer. Stan and Kyle look at each other with
concern.

STAN
Hey, where's Cartman?

KYLE
I don't know. Do you know where he
is Marvin?

MAYOR
Looks like we have the turkey problem
under control. It's time to embrace
the spirit of giving with the canned
food grab!

MAYOR
(To Kenny)
Come on. Hurry up!

Kenny walks into the capsule. The air-tight door closes behind
him.

Now we see Kenny's family for the first time. His mother,
father, brother and sister are all average looking, but
dressed poorly.

KENNY'S MOTHER
Grab a lot, son!!

MAYOR
HAPPY HAPPY THANKSGIVING. LET'RRRRR
RIP!!!

A whirring sound is heard and the cans begin to fly.

MAYOR
C'MON, GRAB THOSE CANS LITTLE BOY!!

Kenny gets hit with cans and tossed around roughly.

STAN AND KYLE
Come on, Kenny!!

KENNY'S DAD
C'mon son!!

It gets more violent as the power of the air actually picks
Kenny up off the ground and makes him fly around like the
cans.

For a moment we can't even tell what's happening, just a
blur of whirling cans and Kenny. Finally the mayor shuts the
machine off.

Kenny stumbles out, dizzy and holding just one little can.

MAYOR
Now let's see all the goodies you're
gonna take home to your family!!

The mayor grabs the can from Kenny, who passes out.

MAYOR
It looks like he got a... a can of
string beans!

The audience cheers.

But they stop when they hear a familiar, ominous sound...

Gobble, gobble, gobble!!

CHEF
What the...?

STAN
DUDE! THE MUTANT TURKEYS ARE BACK!!!

Everybody panics! They turn to see the turkeys, now a huge
mass, heading towards them!

The turkeys attack! There are hundreds of them and they
immediately tear into everything. It is total pandemonium.
Barbrady tries to keep control.

BARBRADY
Okay, people, move along! Nothing to
see here, lookie loos!

But the chaos continues. There is screaming and blood and
feathers. Finally, the turkeys run off.

Chef climbs onto the stage.

Mephesto runs up to the Mayor.

MEPHESTO
I tried to tell you but you didn't
listen!!

CHEF
(Into the microphone)
Gather 'round everybody, and listen
good! Go to your homes and arm your...
(looking at Monkey
Boy)
What the hell are you supposed to be
anyway?

MEPHESTO
That's not important right now.

CHEF
No! What the hell is this little
thing supposed to be? It doesn't
look like anything.

MAYOR
Chef! The turkeys!

CHEF
Oh alright. Listen up everybody, and
listen good. Go to your homes and
arm yourselves with whatever you
can. We'll meet back here in fifteen
minutes. Hurry!

The people scatter.

CHEF
We're not gonna let our thanksgiving
be ruined by a bunch of turkeys!

EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

Cartman now looks beaten, tired and hungry as he roams the
African landscape.

CARTMAN
You guys... Seriously... I'm HUNGRY!!!
I HAVE TO EAT!!!

Just then Cartman notices a group of Americans. Several red
cross members with a box.

CARTMAN
Oh sweet, the Red Cross. I'll have
fried chicken and a side of mashed
potatoes please.

RED CROSS MEMBER
Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We
ran out of funding.

CARTMAN
What!!!!

RED CROSS MEMBER
We just couldn't get enough sponsors
back home. So now we've got to pack
it up.

CARTMAN
But I'm not a starvin' ethernopian.
I have to get back home too.

RED CROSS MEMBER
Sorry dude, we just don't have any
funds. Here have a Taiko sports watch.

CARTMAN
WEAKKKKK!!!!!!

EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS

The residents of South Park are armed and ready for battle
atop a hill. It's like a scene out of braveheart.

They are armed with guns, knifes, baseball bats and pieces
of wood.

MAYOR
People... We all have to do our part
against the evil turkeys...

TOWNSPERSON
There's too many of them.

The townspeople moan.

MAYOR
Come on, where is that Thanksgiving
spirit?

TOWNSPERSON
We can't stop them.

They moan again. But then:

Chef rides in on a horse. His face is painted half blue,
half white.

CHEF
Today you fight for your city! You
fight for your honor! These turkeys
will continue to push until they
have taken everything from us!!

The townspeople listen on, enthralled.

CHEF
These fudged up turkeys from the
crustaceous era can take our lives,
but they can never take our FREEDOM!!!

The townspeople all cheer.

EXT. THE OTHER HILL

On the other side, the turkeys are rallying too.

They are gathered in a mass, ready for battle. One turkey
stands in front of them, it's face is painted half blue,
half white, it appears to be giving a speech.

TURKEY LEADER
Gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble
gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble!!

The turkeys watch on, enthralled.

TURKEY LEADER
Gobble gobble! Gobble, Gobble gobble
gobble gobble gobble gobble!!! gobble
gobble GOBBLE!!!

The turkeys all cheer/gobble.

They turn and face the townspeople.

The townspeople face the turkeys.

KYLE MOONS THE TURKEYS

KYLE
Here you go turkeys!

The turkey leader gives a war gobble! The turkeys all follow.

THE TWO MASSES CHARGE EACH OTHER!!!!

MAYOR
(To Assistant)
Does my hair look okay?

EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

CARTMAN
Can't... go on... need appetizer...
(Shouting to the sky)
I'M SORRY GOD, I'M SORRY I MOCKED
POOR PEOPLE!! I'M SORRY I WASN'T
MORE SENSITIVE!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE
GOD!!!!

Cartman falls down.

He just lays there looking dead for several seconds.

CARTMAN
(Quietly)
My God has forsaken me...

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

Finally, he picks his head up and sees a small building.

Cartman gets up and walks to the building.

CARTMAN
Whoa, I wonder what's in here?

Cartman opens the door --

INT. SMALL BUILDING

The inside is incredible. STACKS upon STACKS of food!

Cheesy Poofs, Pot-pie's, Snacky cakes!!

Cartman's eyes grow huge.

CARTMAN
SNACKY CAKES!!!

There's a big screen television, a beautiful stereo and a
decadent furniture set.

Cartman rounds the corner to find a fat white woman sitting
on the couch eating cake, watching T.V., and being fanned by
two Ethiopians.

CARTMAN
SALLY STRUTHERS?!

SALLY STRUTHERS
(Eating cake)
Who the hell are you?

CARTMAN
Give me that cake!!

SALLY STRUTHERS
(A la Cartman)
Nooo, this is MY cake!

CARTMAN
NO SALLY STRUHTHERS, GIMME THE CAKE!!

SALLY STRUTHERS
Nooo! You can't have any!!

CARTMAN
Oh yeah?!

Cartman walks back out the door.

EXT. SMALL BUILDING

Cartman bursts out the door and shouts to all the Ethiopians.

CARTMAN
YOU GUYS!! SALLY STRUTHERS IS HOLDING
FOOD FROM US!!!

The Ethiopians all stand up.

INT. SMALL BUILDING

SALLY STRUTHERS
Oh, oh...

EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS

The two masses collide. An incredible battle ensues.

Blood and gobbling everywhere. Graphic shots of turkeys
getting pummelled with baseball bats and South Parkers being
smothered.

The children, armed, are standing close to Chef.

CHEF
Stay close, children!

Chef guards the children, killing a few attacking turkeys.

The children cheer Chef.

But just then, several turkeys jump on Kenny! Kenny flails
around, but the turkeys hold tight.

More Turkeys jump on Kenny as he jumps around and tries to
get away. But the turkeys overpower him.

Kenny falls to the ground where turkeys pluck out his
eyeballs.

STAN
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!!

KYLE
You bastards!!!

JIMBO
The last three are getting away.
Shoot 'em Ned!

Ned fires on the remaining turkeys.

TOWNSPERSON
We did it!

EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS

Finally, the battle slows as the last of the turkeys is
destroyed.

The townspeople all cheer.

MEPHESTO
(standing over the
turkey carcasses)
My God, what have we done?

CHEF
We've saved Thanksgiving!

MEPHESTO
But all those poor turkeys... They're
all dead!

CHEF
Every turkey dies. Not every turkey
truly lives.

MEPHESTO
As horrible as they were, they felt
like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't
be toying with God's creations...
Perhaps I should just --

CHEF
(We've all heard this
before)
Yeah, yeah, yeah......

The two agents step through the carnage and approach the
kids and Chef. Marvin is not visible.

AGENT 1
Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a
little starving Ethiopian boy who
was accidentally delivered to South
Park instead of Taiko sports watch.

AGENT 2
Have you seen anyone fitting this
description?

BARBRADY
Oh, that could be a hundred kids in
this town, Mister.

But suddenly, Marvin walks up and tugs on the agents pantleg.

AGENT 1
There you are!

AGENT 2
Are you ready to go home now?

Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, Chef, Barbrady... And then
nods his head quickly.

The agents take Marvin's hand and lead him past the Turkey
carnage.

STAN
Wow... It sucks he has to leave.

KYLE
Yeah, I like him a lot more than
Cartman.

STAN
You know, I think I've learned
something today. It's really easy
not to think of images on TV as real
people, but they are. That's why
it's easy to ignore those commercials.
But people on TV are just as real as
you or I.

KYLE
Yeah...
(Thinking)
And that means that McGyver is a
real person too.

EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

Three red cross members are escorting Cartman through the
village. Cartman is eating a pot-pie as he walks.

RED CROSS MEMBER
We're terribly sorry about the mix-
up little boy. We'll get you back
home immediately.

CARTMAN
That's right you will, God dammit!

They walk past the food line.

Cartman breaks into the line.

CARTMAN
Move it, Povs! I'm an AMERICAN!!

EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY

A large plane lands in the midst of the desolate village.

Little Marvin steps off and is immediately surrounded by his
friends and family.

ETHIOPIAN
Ababa!! Dlook dlook baba raka!

STARVIN' MARVIN
Baba dlook ri nama bam!

As more people gather around, Starvin Marvin gestures to the
plane. Everyone looks on as hundreds of dead Turkeys are
dropped from cargo hold.

Everyone rejoices and cheers.

Several Ethiopians start grabbing the turkeys as others hoist
Marvin up on their shoulders and victoriously march him into
the town --

-- passing, on the way, Sally Struthers is bound and gagged
and tied to a pole.

EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE

It is indeed a POV house; small and cheap.

INT. KENNY'S HOUSE

Kenny's family (mother, father, sister, brother) are gathered
around a humble table. The dishes are set, and in the middle
of the table, on a little serving tray, is the can of green
beans.

The family joins hands in prayer.

KENNY'S FATHER
(Sarcastically)
Lord, on this day of thanks we would
like to extend our DEEPEST gratitude
for this INCREDIBLE BOUNTY of green
beans you have bestowed upon us. And
though you for some reason found it
necessary to take our son from us,
and though you for some reason find
pleasure in watching us suffer...
Still, we give thanks... Amen.

FAMILY
Amen.

The family sits there for a long time.

KENNY'S MOTHER
...Does anybody have a can opener?

Silence.

KENNY'S FATHER
God dammit.

THE END

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