"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 108

"DAMIEN"

by

Matt Stone & Trey Parker



EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing.

INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

The children take their seats for another day of school.

Cartman is passing out envelopes to all the kids.

CARTMAN
Here you go, Kyle. And here's yours
Stan...

KYLE
(Opening the envelope)
What is this, Cartman?

CARTMAN
They're invitations to my birthday
party this weekend.

STAN
Oh, Sweet! Your mom is giving you a
big party again this year?

CARTMAN
Thaaaat's right!
(Singing)
'Cause it's my birthday! My Bu-Bu
Birthdayyy!

KYLE
Kick ass, dude. Cartman's mom throws
the best birthday parties ever!

CARTMAN
That's right!

STAN
Yeah, if MY mom could cook like
Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat ass
too.

CARTMAN
That's right!
(Catching himself)
HEY!

PIP
Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation.

CARTMAN
Oh really? Gosh, where could I have
put Pip's invitation?

Cartman pretends to look around.

CARTMAN
Let's see... Pip's invitation...
Pip's invitation... OH, I REMEMBER!

Pip lights up.

CARTMAN
I shoved it up my ass!

Pip looks sad.

CARTMAN
Yes that's right, I wrote it out,
put it in a envelope, sealed it, and
then PLOOP! Shoved it right my ass,
forever ruining any chance you had
of coming to my birthday party. Sorry,
Pip ol' chap.

Cartman walks past Pip and hands out more invites.

CARTMAN
Here's yours Wendy, and here's yours
Clyde...

Mr. Garrison walks in.

MR. GARRISON
Children, children... Today is a
very special day --

CARTMAN
No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.

MR. GARRISON
I'm not talking about your birthday,
Eric. We have a new student joining
our class today!

The kids all moan.

MR. GARRISON
Now, some of you know what it's like
to be the new kid in town. So I want
you all to take special care to make
him feel welcome.

An odd-looking child wearing all black steps up next to Mr.
Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
I want you all to meet our new
classmate... Uh... What's your name
again?

DAMIEN
Damien.

CLOSE UP on Damien's eyes. Demonic music plays.

MR. GARRISON
Say hi to Damien!

The kids don't respond.

MR. GARRISON
And where are you from, Damien?

DAMIEN
The seventh layer of hell.

MR. GARRISON
Ooh, that's exciting. My mother was
from Alabama.

Damien stands up on a chair.

DAMIEN
My arrival connotes the end of the
beginning the beginning of the end!
The new reign of my father!

MR. GARRISON
Your father?

DAMIEN
The Prince of Darkness!

Dramatic music.

MR. GARRISON
Wow, we have royalty in our class!
Why don't you take your seat, Damien,
we're going to finish our lesson on
great singers of the Baroque Era.

Damien gets down from the chair and sits next to Cartman.

Cartman glares at him.

MR. GARRISON
Now children, Nancy Sinatra was quite
a choice piece of ass...

As Garrison continues, Cartman leans over to Damien.

CARTMAN
Hey new kid, do you want an invitation
to my birthday party?

DAMIEN
Here begins the rule of pain. The
new domination of --

CARTMAN
PSYCHE!! I wasn't gonna GIVE you an
invitation!! HA, HA!!

Damien looks shocked.

CARTMAN
Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?

Damien turns his head to one side. CHOIR MUSIC kicks in as
Cartman's desk goes flying up into the air and out the window.

STAN
Woa, dude!

KYLE
Damn! What a FREAK!

CARTMAN
HEY! I had a poofie pie in that desk.

DAMIEN
NOW FEEL THE WRATH OF THE FALLEN
ANGEL!! THE PLAGUE OF NIGHT IS UPON
THE!!!

MR. GARRISON
Damien, do you need to sit in time
out for a few minutes?

Damien looks around, confused. Then he steps down from his
desk and sits calmly.

CARTMAN
(Singing)
You got in trou-ble! You got in trou-
ble!

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The boys are eating lunch. Stan is reading from an envelope.

STAN
Hey Cartman, how come the birthday
invitation you gave me says 'Green
Mega Man'?

KYLE
Yeah, mine says 'Red Mega-Man'.

CARTMAN
Right. That's what you're supposed
to get me for my birthday.

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

STAN
Dude! You're not supposed to TELL
people what to get you for your
birthday!

KYLE
Yeah, that's weak!

CARTMAN
Look, it's very simple, guys. Green
Mega Man goes with Red Mega-Man and
Yellow Mega-Man to make the Ultra-
Mega-Mega-Man. You have to have all
three or doesn't work, see?

STAN
Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you
whatever the hell I want!

CARTMAN
Oh! So maybe you don't want to have
any of my mom's cake pie and ice
cream then!

Stan shuts up.

STAN
Oh, Green Mega-Man it is.

CARTMAN
Now, as you can see, Kenny, YOU are
to get me Yellow Mega-Man. That's
because yellow Mega-Man is the
cheapest one, and I know how poor
your family is...

Just then, Damien sits down with his lunch tray. The boys
all looked shocked.

STAN
Hey, what do you think you're doing,
new kid?

CARTMAN
Yeah, you can't sit with us, weirdo!

Damien looks a little hurt.

DAMIEN
INFIDELS! I will turn you all into
beasts of burden!!

KYLE
You can't sit with us new kid! Go
find another table!!

Damien scowls and stomps off.

CARTMAN
Anyway, Kenny, yellow Mega-Man is
only $8.95, so maybe your mom can
put it on layaway and make payments
for a year or two.

Stan and Kyle laugh. Kenny punches Cartman.

As Cartman continues, Damien sits at a table that is empty
except for Pip.

PIP
Oh, good day, Damien! My name is
Phillip, but everyone calls me
'Pip'... Because they hate me.

DAMIEN
Then I will call you PIP.

PIP
Right-o.

Stan calls over from his table --

STAN
Hey new kid!

Damien turns to the boys.

STAN
Kenny says he saw your mom drop you
off this morning, and she's a REAL
DOG!

The boys all laugh. Damien scowls.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm!

The boys laugh even harder. Damien gets pissed. He cringes
his brow. More CHOIR music jumps in.

DAMIEN
THAT DOES IT!! OOF-FAAA!!!

Kenny shivers and shakes and then suddenly -- PWOOF! Kenny
is turned into a duck billed platypus. (Still wearing his
little orange coat.)

STAN
What the --

KYLE
Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck
billed platypus!

STAN
A what?

KENNY
Wack, wack.

CARTMAN
HEY!! Turn him back you butthole!!
He has to buy me the yellow Mega-
Man!!

CHEF
Hello there, children!

BOYS
Hey, Chef.

CHEF
How's it going?

STAN AND KYLE
Bad.

CHEF
Why bad?

KYLE
Chef, there's a new kid in school,
and he's a total weird-o freak.

CHEF
Oh children, children, you shouldn't
not like somebody just because they're
different. Here, let me sing you a
little song...

Music starts in.

CHEF
(Singing)
We're all special, in our own way
Everybody's different but that's
okay 'Cause even though we might
have different color skin, different
points of views, be tall or thin --
It doesn't mean I can't lay you down,
woman and touch your silky skin --
Put my love deep inside you where no
man has ever been -- Rub your legs,
caress your thighs and....

Chef stops himself.

CHEF
What were we talking about again?

KYLE
(Pointing)
The new kid.

Damien is now standing on the lunch table with his arms
raised.

DAMIEN
Death to the holy! The wrath of the
fallen angel now makes for you all!!!!

Damien throws his hands in the air and tables go flying
everywhere. Blood starts dripping from the ceiling.

STAN
WHOA!!!!

The cafeteria is like the eye of a hurricane.

CHEF
Ooh, that is one futched up little
cracker!!!!

KYLE
We told you, dude!

Damien continues to throw his hands up in the air. Shit
continues to fly everywhere.

CHEF
(Shouting)
We've got to do something, children!
He's tearing my cafeteria apart!!

DAMIEN
BRING ME JESUS!! MY WRATH SHALL
CONTINUE UNTIL I SPEAK WITH JESUS!!!

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

KYLE & STAN
Jesus?

INT. T.V. STUDIO - DAY

Jesus is sitting at a make-up table brushing his hair.

STAGE MANAGER
Two minutes to air, Jesus.

JESUS
Thanks, Roland. Blessed art Thou.

Stan and Kyle charge into the dressing room.

STAN
Jesus, Jesus!!

JESUS
Hi kids, I only do autographs after
the show.

STAN
No, no, there's a big problem at
school! Some new kid showed up wearing
all black and Chef thinks he's evil.

KYLE
Yeah, look what he did to our friend
Kenny.

KENNY
Wack, wack.

JESUS
Wow... That's pretty heavy.

STAN
This new kid keeps throwing things
around and saying stuff about his
Dark Prince Father coming. He said
he wants to talk to you.

JESUS
(Standing)
The Dark Prince?

STAN AND KYLE
Yeah.

ZOOM IN on Jesus who suddenly realizes what this all means.

JESUS
(Standing up)
So it was written... And so the cycle
of years brings the son of the evil
one...

STAN
(To Kyle)
Oh brother, now HE'S talking like
the new kid.

JESUS
Thou must taketh me to the seedling
of Satan so mine eyes can confirm
the wretched truth.

KYLE
Kay.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY

A recess monitor blows her whistle as kids run around the
playground.

RECESS MONITOR
Five minutes until recess is over
you little bastards!!

Cartman is standing by the swingset with full on graphs,
charts and drawings. A few random kids are gathered around.

Cartman has a pointer in his hand and is using it to
demonstrate as he talks.

CARTMAN
Now, as you can see, the Red Mega-
Man uses the --
(Pointing)
Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will
be getting me for my birthday. Wendy,
YOU were supposed to get me the Mega
Power Chopper illustrated --
(Pointing)
HERE. But I am changing your present
to the Yellow Mega-Man, since Kenny
has been turned into a --
(Pointing)
duck billed platypus. That means
that the Mega-Man Beach House,
illustrated here... Will be a gift
given by two people at once...

The kids all try to follow along with their eyes. A few take
notes.

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE PLAYGROUND

Meanwhile, Damien is at another part of the playground setting
things on fire with his hands. Pip is standing next to him.

Damien spins around and burns down the slide. Several children
look sad.

BEBE
Our slide!

Damien spins around and sets the teeter-totter a blaze. Again
the children look sad.

DAMIEN
FEEL MY WRATH!!!

PIP
Oh dear, you shouldn't be so upset,
Damien. I know its hard being the
new kid, but the children may accept
you some day.

DAMIEN
(Insincere)
I DON'T NEED ACCEPTANCE! I'M THE SON
OF SATAN!!

Another flick of the hand, and Damien burns down the little
spring-animals.

Damien turns and burns down the jungle gym.

PIP
Believe me, I know what its like not
to have friends. Perhaps you should
speak to the school counselor, he
helps me a lot when I'm feeling
lonely.

Damien stops and thinks.

JESUS
DAMIEN!!!

Damien turns around and sees Jesus standing with Stan and
Kyle and the Kenny duck billed platypus.

DAMIEN
AH! Son of Stench!! Cursed ruler of
the weak!!

JESUS
So it IS Thou! Son of Lucifer!!

DAMIEN
Your time on this Earth is short!!
Soon my father comes!!!

Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman follow the biblical exchange
like a tennis match with their heads.

JESUS
Let him come then! I shall stop him!

DAMIEN
Behold! He is already upon us!!

Suddenly, clouds move all over the sky. The day becomes black.

KYLE
Oh, dude!

A huge booming voice comes from all around.

EVIL VOICE
Et dominous em pluribus unom som...

Damien closes his eyes and listens. Jesus looks around,
confused.

EVIL VOICE
Forente omi sanctum san ri en unibus.

Winds blow, thing fly all around. Half the townspeople come
running up to see what's happening.

JIMBO
What the hell is going on?!

Now a normal looking priest, (we call him PRIEST MAXI) walks
up and looks around.

PRIEST MAXI
(Pointing to Jesus)
Look! It's that guy from the public
access show!

Jesus looks around the flying debris. Chef comes running up
as well.

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

CHEF
(To the pretty women)
Come over here if you're scared,
womens! I'll protect you!

Mr. Garrison hides in Chef's bosom.

CHEF
Not, you dammit!

EVIL VOICE
En ri... En ri omnibus spiritus...

Finally, Damien opens his eyes.

DAMIEN
Jesus... My father says... He CHOOSES
YOU! He CALLS YOU OUT!

Jesus eyes grow wide. All the townspeople look at each other.

DAMIEN
Be here at this time tomorrow! There
the terms will be discussed!

JESUS
Very well! Let the final battle
between good and evil be fought...
Right here in South Park!

The townspeople all look thrilled.

JIMBO
Come on Ned! We gotta get our asses
to the bookie!!

Everyone disperses. Stan and Kyle walks up next to Jesus.

STAN
You're gonna fight Satan?

JESUS
This fight has been ordained since
the beginning. My children, this is
the most crucial and serious time of
all history...

INT. TELEVISION

An ad is playing on the television.

NARRATOR
Who will win our souls? Our savior
and Lord? Or the Prince of Darkness!

SERIOUS MUSIC plays as strange images fly past the screen.

NARRATOR
It's the Final Battle between good
and evil. AND IT'S ONLY ON PAY PER
VIEW!!

TITLES fly into frame 'JESUS VS. SATAN'

NARRATOR
Jesus verses Satan! Live from the
South Park Forum on Saturday! Call
now to order, only $49.95!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Duck Billed Kenny are watching T.V.

CARTMAN
Hey, wait a minute! Saturday is my
birthday party! They can't have the
fight on Saturday!

KENNY
Mwack, mwack!

STAN
I don't know what to do, dude. Do we
go to the fight or Cartman's birthday?

CARTMAN
Cartman's birthday!

KYLE
We can't miss the final apocalyptic
battle between good and evil.

CARTMAN
You guys! My mom's getting a ferris
wheel!

STAN
Well, come on, we have to at least
see the weigh in.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny head out.

CARTMAN
WHO THE HELL DECIDED THIS FIGHT HAD
TO BE ON SATURDAY HUH?!! THIS WHOLE
THING IS A PLOT AGAINST ME, ISN'T
IT!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK 1

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

A large group of people have gathered around Jesus in downtown
South Park.

PRIEST MAXI
When is Satan going to show up?

Another Townsperson shrugs as he prepares his camera by
cleaning off the lens.

The boys walk up.

STAN
Did The Devil show up yet?

JESUS
Not yet.

KYLE
Hey Jesus, If you win the fight can
you turn Kenny back to normal?

Jesus looks at the little duck billed platypus.

JESUS
What the hell do you mean IF I win
the fight?

CARTMAN
(Aside)
Don't mind him, Jesus. He's Jewish.

JESUS
(Understanding)
Oh.

Still more townspeople show up.

JIMBO
We're all with you Jesus! We put
every dime we have on you beating
that Dark Prince!

The townspeople all cheer.

JESUS
Thank you for your faith. But I think
perhaps you don't understand the
severity of the situation...

PRIEST MAXI
You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus!

The Townspeople all cheer again. Suddenly, a HUGE booming
sound starts.

JESUS
Behold, the evil one approaches.

In walks Satan. Seven feet two inches, three hundred and ten
pounds -- A BIG, BAD ASS MOTHER FUCKER.

Jesus' eyes get HUGE.

The Townspeople's jaws all drop in unison.

MR. GARRISON
Holy poop on a stick!

SATAN
(Deep, bellowing voice)
Puny son of Jehovah. Prepare to enter
thy house of pain.

STAN
Holy crap, dude, Satan is HUGE!

JIMBO
Now that is a man who has eaten a
lot of beef.

Jesus tries to look tough, but he's obviously scared. Stan
and Kyle look at each other with deep concern.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

Everybody is still gathered around for the weigh in. Satan
stands in front of Jesus looking tough and confident.

SATAN
Son of God, I will smash thy face
into small little bits.

Jesus swallows hard, then tries desperately not to sound
scared.

JESUS
Oh... Oh yeah?

SATAN
I have such delightful horrors to
unleash upon thee.

JESUS
Oh yeah?

The Townspeople look at each other, concerned. The Weigh In
Guy stands with a large scale. He gestures for Satan to step
up, and he does.

WEIGH IN GUY
Satan weighs in at... Three Hundred
and Twenty pounds four ounces!

The townspeople all gasp. Jesus replaces Satan on the scale.

WEIGH IN GUY
Jesus Christ weighs in at... A hundred
and thirty-five pounds -- one ounce!

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

CHEF
Ooh, crap.

JESUS
(Checking the scale)
Oh come on, I weigh more than that!

Satan throws his arms in the air.

SATAN
LET THE NEW PRINCE BE DECIDED ON
SATURDAY!! FIRST SOUTH PARK, THEN
THE WORLD!!!!!!!!

Satan leaves. Jesus stands there, still obviously shaken.

The Townspeople look around, with knowing nods.

JIMBO
Well... I think I'll uh... I think I
left the oven on...

MR. GARRISON
Yeah... I think I left your oven on,
too...

All the Townspeople slowly back away. Jesus looks at them
suspiciously.

PRIEST MAXI
See ya, Saturday, Jesus. Good Luck...

INT. SPORT'S BOOK - DAY

The townspeople suddenly burst through the doors and storm
the bookie.

JIMBO
I want to change my bet to Satan!!

NED
Me too!!

MR. GARRISON
I was here first!

INT. SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S OFFICE

A wiry, dorky man sits at a desk with his hands folded. A
sign on the desk tells us very clearly that this is the SCHOOL
COUNSELOR.

COUNSELOR
Now, as your counselor, I want you
to feel like you can tell me ANYTHING
OK?... Being the new kid can be tough,
but I'm your friend Okay.

Sitting across from the counselor is little Damien, actually
looking a little bummed for the first time.

DAMIEN
Everybody hates me.

COUNSELOR
Well... Why do you suppose that is?

DAMIEN
(Thinking)
Because I'm the son of the devil?

COUNSELOR
Uh-huh. That's a good start. Why
else?

DAMIEN
(Thinking)
Because I burn them and kill them?

COUNSELOR
Well, yes, maybe that's it... What
you need to do Damien is to be overly
nice. No matter how mean the other
kids are to you, just don't retaliate.

Damien thinks.

COUNSELOR
Be passive, Okay? that's what I taught
the little British boy, Pip, and
just look at how much the other
children like him now!

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - DAY

A few children are standing in a circle with Pip in the
middle.

CLYDE
I bet I can spit the most on him!

Clyde let's a loogie go on Pip.

BEBE
Oh yeah, I bet I can get spit in his
hair!

Bebe spits a wod in Pip's eye.

PIP
Oh, nice try! A little higher and
you've got it.

At another part of the playground, the boys are all just
standing around, since all the playground equipment was burned
down by Damien.

STAN
Man, recess sucks without any slides
or nothin'.

CARTMAN
Oh, here comes unholy butthole now.

Damien walks by.

CARTMAN
Hey! Thanks a lot for burning
everything down, you little bitch!

Damien takes a deep breath.

DAMIEN
I apologize for ruining your
playground and turning your friend
into a duck billed platypus. I was
doing my father's bidding. I didn't
have a choice.

The boys all think.

CARTMAN
Oh, oh!

Cartman walks up to Damien and farts on him.

CARTMAN
Oh, excuse me, new kid! I didn't
mean to fart on you, I didn't have a
choice!

Damien looks pissed, but he holds back.

STAN
Whew! You stink new kid! You smell
like a fart!

KYLE
Yeah, we're gonna call you fart boy
from now on!

Damien walks off, pissed off and sad.

STAN
Bye Bye, Fart boy!

KYLE
See ya!

Damien leaves and walks up to Pip.

PIP
Good day. How are you, Damien?

DAMIEN
Those guys farted on me and then
called me --

PIP
Fart boy? Oh good, perhaps they won't
call ME that any more!

INT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT

The Townspeople are all sitting around tables, drinking beer
and conversing.

Suddenly, Jesus walks in through the front door looking very
upset.

JESUS
Excuse me!

And the room goes silent.

JESUS
(Pissed)
I just talked to the BOOKIE at the
sports BETTING bar...

CHEF
Oh, oh...

The townspeople all look around and whistle.

JESUS
I HAVE BEEN FORSAKEN!! It seems that
several bets were changed to Satan
this morning!

The townspeople look at each other.

JESUS
In fact, it seems that only ONE PERSON
in this ENTIRE TOWN is still betting
on me!

Jimbo looks at the townspeople with disapproval.

PRIEST MAXI
You should all be ashamed of
yourselves! Betting against your
Lord and savior! I am disgusted!

JESUS
YOUR bet was changed as well. YOU
Forsaked me too!

PRIEST MAXI
Uh, right... Well, he does have a
couple hundred pounds on you, Jesus.

JESUS
I implore you all -- Don't bet on
the Dark one! It is a bet that you
will NEVER win!

PRIEST MAXI
Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned
against you. I am gonna march right
over to that bookie and change my
bet RIGHT NOW!

MR. GARRISON
Oh Yeah, me too!

JIMBO
Yeah!

PRIEST MAXI
Praise the Lord. Thank you sweet
Jesus for showing us the light, See
ya later!

Jesus pauses, then again looks suspicious and walks out. As
soon as the door closes, everybody immediately sits back and
starts drinking again.

PRIEST MAXI
What the hell, does he think we're
crazy?

Everybody laughs. Jesus pops back in.

JESUS
You're all a bunch of Judases!

EXT. SOUTH PARK BAR - NIGHT

Jesus walks out of the bar huffingly and bumps into the boys.

STAN
Hey, Jesus.

JESUS
What are you doing out so late, kids?

KYLE
We have to find red and green mega-
mans for Cartman's birthday party.

JESUS
Oh...
(thinking)
Kids... YOU believe I can beat Satan,
right?

STAN
Sure, dude, you're the son of God.

KYLE
Yeah. You aren't having doubts are
you?

JESUS
No, no...
(Pause)
But could you help me train a little?

INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY

Several cameras are surrounding a table where Satan is sitting
behind a plethora of microphones.

REPORTER
Satan, what do you expect the outcome
of the fight to be?

SATAN
I will crush him like a little bug.

ANOTHER REPORTER
Satan, what about the rumors of your
involvement in the Gulf War?

Satan starts to speak, but suddenly a hand jumps in and covers
up the microphone.

WHIP PAN RIGHT to reveal DON KING sitting next to Satan.

DON KING
Let's focus on the fight, can we
please? I'm so sick of people talking
smack about my fighters. All this
'He's mean', 'He's a dirty fighter',
'He the cause for all violence and
death in the world', it's just getting
old. Let's just let everything be
decided in the ring.

INT. GYM - DAY

Jesus is wearing large boxing gloves, and punching a bag
that Stan and Kyle are holding.

CARTMAN
You guys, shouldn't you be out
shopping for my birthday presents?

KYLE
(Ignoring him)
Here, Jesus, drink these raw eggs.

JESUS
No way, dude.

Jesus steps into the little ring. Chef is standing there
with boxing gloves.

CHEF
I can't... I can't hit Jesus Christ.
My mother would never speak to me
again.

STAN
But you're his sparring partner,
Chef.

KYLE
Yeah, you have to hit him.

JESUS
Satan must be defeated, Chef. Please
help me to train.

CHEF
Okay, but I'm just gonna tap you,
alright?

JESUS
Give it your best sho --

SLAM!!!! Chef punches Jesus in the face, and Jesus flies to
the canvas.

CHEF
Oh, God in Heaven!! What have I
done?!?

JESUS
Oof... Anybody get the number of
that truck?

COMMERCIAL BREAK 2

EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

Cartman's birthday party is an AMAZING event. There are
elephants, clowns, mimes, and even a ferris wheel.

A large Banner reads 'Happy Birthday, Eric!'

Cartman's mother walks through the huge crowd of kids,
carrying an ENORMOUS amount of food.

CARTMAN'S MOM
Come on, kiddies! Eat more!

Cartman is walking tall, wearing a little pointed birthday
hat. He greets children as they walk in.

CARTMAN
Welcome, Clyde. Please put your
present on the table to your left...
Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your
left... Welcome Chef...

Chef walks in.

CHEF
Yup, here's your present, children.
Well, nice party, see you later.

Chef starts to walk out.

KYLE
Hey, you just got here, Chef!

CHEF
I know, but the fight is starting!

STAN
But dude, check it out, Cartman's
mom made chili.

Mrs. Cartman gives Chef a wink.

CHEF
Mmmm, that's my favorite kind of
chili.

EXT. OUTSIDE CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Damien and Pip are sitting alone on the curb.

DAMIEN
I guess all the kids are at that fat
boy's birthday party.

PIP
Yes... It's always such a huge event.
Sometimes I like to sneak up to the
fence and close my eyes, and pretend
I'm there.

DAMIEN
The other kids have ALWAYS hated
you?

PIP
Oh, yes. Actually, I think they make
fun of the fat boy a lot too, but
now I think they like him because he
picks on me.

Damien suddenly gets an idea.

EXT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY

A good sized place for a boxing match.

INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM

The arena is huge. Just like the ring at Ceasar's or MGM.

Banners and decorative posters are everywhere.

The place is absolutely packed.

ANNOUNCER
In the blue corner, wearing white
trunks, weighing in at a mere one
hundred and forty pounds -- Jesus El
Saviorrrrrrrrrrr CHRIST!!!!

Everybody cheers.

ANNOUNCER
And in the very very black corner,
wearing very very black trunks, the
King of all that is evil, BEEEEEEE
EL ZEBUB!!!!

The crowd cheers. Jesus shoots them all a dirty look. They
stop.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies & Gentlemen. LLLLLLLLLLLet's
get ready to RUMMMMMBLLLLLE!!!!!

Jesus and Satan meet in the center of the ring. The little
bald ref steps between them.

REF
Okay, I want a good, clean fight
guys, no punches below the belt,
holding or miracles.

The bell rings. Jesus and Satan go to their corners.

EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

The big birthday party continues. Boys and girls run around
and play and laugh.

Suddenly, Damien and Pip walk in.

CARTMAN
HEY! What the hell do you think you're
doing here?!

STAN
Yeah, YOU aren't invited, new kid!

KYLE
And neither are YOU, PIP!

PIP
Yes, I tried to tell Damien that we
weren't invited, but --

DAMIEN
Wait a minute, give me a chance! I
want to do something special for
your party...

Just then, Damien touches Pip -- and something incredible
happens. Demons come up from the ground and grab onto Pip.

PIP
Oh NOOOO!!!!!!

The demons hoist Pip up into the air. Pip's clothes catch on
fire. He screams horrifically.

KYLE
Wow!

Pip's body flies up into the sky and PWOOF!!! An explosion
like beautiful fireworks illuminate the party.

The kids all cheer and applaud.

STAN
Wow, that was COOL!!!

KYLE
Hey... You're not such a bad guy
after all, Damien!

CARTMAN
Yeah, come on in and join the party!

Damien absolutely beams with happiness.

INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY

The bell rings! Jesus and Satan come from their corners.

Satan immediately throws a punch that connects and knocks
Jesus back.

The crowd all goes wild! Jesus turns and looks at them in
disgust. The crowd just as immediately gets quiet.

Jesus takes another couple of blows to the body. The punches
are hard and painful. Jesus looks incredibly sad and scared.

Now Jesus drops his arms and just let's Satan pound on him.

SATAN
Come on you little wuss! FIGHT!!

Satan dances around.

SATAN
Throw a punch!

EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

Cartman is wearing a little birthday hat on his head and
standing at a table opening gifts.

CARTMAN
Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my
birthday... Oh look! A blue Mega-
Man!

Cartman pulls out the toy and smiles.

CARTMAN
Thank you, Stan, you may eat pie and
cake and ice cream, now.

Stan dashes off.

CARTMAN
And what did Wendy get me?
(Before he even opens
it)
Oh, it's The Yellow Mega-Man!

Now Cartman opens the present and sure enough, The Yellow
Mega Man is inside.

CARTMAN
Help yourself to pie, cake and ice
cream, Wendy.

Wendy dashes off.

CARTMAN
Oh! Look what Kyle got me! it's a
Red Mega --
(Opening the gift)
Ants in the Pants?!

Cartman pulls out the game.

CARTMAN
ANTS IN THE PANTS?! ANTS IN THE
PANTS?!

KYLE
It's a game, dude. It's really fun.

CARTMAN
YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

Cartman tackles Kyle and knocks him to the ground.

KYLE
AAGHGH!!

CARTMAN
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED
MEGA MAN!!! NOW I CAN'T MAKE ULTRA
MEGA-MEGA MAN!! YOU DIRTY CHEAP ASS
PIECE OF CRAP!!!

Cartman slugs Kyle repeatedly.

KYLE
THEY WERE ALL OUT OF 'EM, DUDE!!!

CARTMAN
I HATE YOU!!! I WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!
DIE!!!!!!!!!

Cartman suddenly gets up and yells to everybody.

CARTMAN
THAT'S IT!! PARTY IS OVER!!! EVERYBODY
GO HOME!!!

The kids all look stunned. Cartman walks over to a HUGE switch
and pulls it down. Immediately the entire party shuts down --
The ferris wheel stops, the lights go off and all the music
stops.

CARTMAN
GET THE HELL OUT I SAID!! PARTY'S
OVER!!! GET OUT GODAMNIT!!

The kids all start to file out.

STAN
(Walking out)
Whoa dude, you need to mellow out.

Cartman throws the box at Kyle.

CARTMAN
Take you stupid ants in the pants
with you!!!

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

All the kids are gathered outside, in shock.

DAMIEN
Wow, that kid has some real emotional
problems.

STAN
Aw, he does this all the time.

Chef starts running down the street.

CHEF
Come on, children!! We can still
catch the end of the fight!!!

Pip drops out of the sky.

PIP
Oh, what a splendid party.

INT. SOUTH PARK FORUM - DAY

Jesus is still getting his ass kicked by Satan. Satan is
dancing around, landing blows. Jesus still won't fight.

Jesus takes a smack to the face.

SATAN
Fight Dammit!

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

The boys run up to Jesus' corner.

STAN
Dude, Jesus is getting his butt
kicked!

Just then, the bell rings. Jesus returns to his corner and
plops down in his seat.

STAN
You've got to FIGHT, Jesus!

JESUS
Why? What's the point? No one believes
in me. Everyone put their money on
Satan... My Father forsaked me...
The Town forsaked me... I'm completely
forsook.

KYLE
SOMEBODY bet on you, Jesus. You said
yourself that one person still has
money on you.

JESUS
It doesn't matter. He's way to strong
for me anyway. I give up.

Stan gets in Jesus' face and starts yelling.

STAN
GOD DAMMIT, JESUS SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

Jesus looks surprised.

STAN
What would Nancy Karrigan do?! HUH?!
Nancy Karrigan wouldn't give up!!
When things were looking their darkest
Nancy Karrigan fought to be the BEST!!

Kyle looks confused.

STAN
She wouldn't stop until she was NUMBER
ONE!!!

KYLE
Uh... Stan...

STAN
Nancy Karrigan wouldn't settle for
second best!!

KYLE
Stan...

STAN
She wouldn't quit until she brought
home the gold!!

KYLE
Stan!!

STAN
What?!

KYLE
Nancy Karrigan got the silver, dude.
She came in second.

Stan thinks for a long time.

STAN
Really?

KYLE
Yeah, dude.

STAN
Oh... Never mind Jesus, Nancy Karrigan
sucks.

The snapping sounds means it's almost time to go back into
the ring. Jesus drinks some water and spits it out.

Now Stan gets right in Jesus' face.

STAN
You know... Somebody once said 'Don't
try to be a great man, just be a
man'.

Jesus thinks for a while.

JESUS
Who said that?

STAN
YOU did Jesus.

Stan puts his hand on Jesus' shoulder. MUSIC swells up. Jesus
gives a little smile and nods.

JESUS
You're right, Stan.

Just then the bell rings.

JESUS
Thank you, boys.

Jesus steps into the ring.

KYLE
Wow, did he say that in the bible?

STAN
No, I saw it on Star Trek.

KYLE
Hmmn.

Jesus and Satan meet in the ring.

Satan takes a couple of shots, Jesus ducks, and the punches
miss.

SATAN
Come on you SISSY! Hit me! Hit me!

JESUS
Okay, pal, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!

Jesus winds up his arm. Stan and Kyle watch intensely. The
Townspeople's eyes get wide...

Finally, Jesus delivers the blow -- He hits Satan EXTREMELY
SOFTLY in the arm. Satan doesn't even flinch.

Stan and Kyle roll their eyes.

But suddenly, Satan grabs his arm --

SATAN
AAAGHH!! YOU GOT ME!!!

Satan falls to the canvas, eyes closed.

REF
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

The Townspeople are in shock.

JIMBO
No way! He barely touched him!

REF
FIVE! SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT!

Satan opens one eye, but doesn't move from the canvas, a
little smile crosses his face.

REF
NINE! TEN! YOU'RE OUT!!!

The bell rings over and over. Jesus throws his hands in the
air and jumps up and down.

STAN AND KYLE
OUR SAVIOR!!!!

ANNOUNCER
The winner by knockout and still
undisputed ruler of your spiritual
kingdom. Jesus Elllllll Saaaavior
Christ.

Just then, Satan gets up, looking just fine.

MR. GARRISON
Hey! He isn't hurt! He took a dive!
He threw the fight!

JIMBO
Yeah.

SATAN
Fools!! You are all fools! Of course
I took a dive! Don't you see -- who
do you think was the ONE PERSON that
bet on Jesus to win?

The townspeople all think.

SATAN
ME you idiots!! And now I will take
all your hard earned money and return
to hell a MUCH RICHER Prince of
Darkness and buy some real estate!
Ha HA HA!!!

Satan dances out of the ring.

PRIEST MAXI
I don't believe this!

MR. GARRISON
Yeah, what a mean thing to do!

SATAN
Farewell fools!!

JIMBO
Man... That guy is a JERK!!

Satan disappears into the ground.

STAN
Jesus TOLD you guys not to bet on
Satan!

MR. GARRISON
Boy, did we get screwed.

CHEF
Jesus, we're sorry... Can you ever
forgive us?

Jesus thinks.

JESUS
Aw, heck, do I have a choice?

JIMBO
Well Jesus, I definitely learned MY
lesson. Never bet on evil, because
when you do -- Ned, look! That's a
rare duck billed platypus! It's comin'
right for us!!!

Jimbo pulls out a gun and blows Kenny's head off.

STAN
OH MY GOD!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!!!

KYLE
You bastard!!!

DAMIEN
Well, goodbye guys, it was nice
getting to know you.

STAN
You're leaving already?

DAMIEN
I have to. My dad's always on the
move.

Damien hangs his head and walks away.

STAN
Wow... I feel kinda bad for that
kid.

KYLE
Yeah, just when he was being accepted
he has to leave and start over.

STAN
Parents can be so cruel. Don't they
realize that what a child needs more
than anything is security?

EXT. CARTMAN'S BACK YARD - DAY

Cartman is sitting at a table by himself surrounded by half
eaten cakes, pies, and all kinds of other crap. Food is all
over the place.

Cartman's face is covered with food, his eyes are half closed.
It looks like a food war has been fought, but actually Cartman
has just gorged himself.

MS. CARTMAN
More pie, hon?

CARTMAN
(Weakly)
No... more... pie...

THE END

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