"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 107

"PINKEYE"

by

Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Philip Stark



EXT. OUTER SPACE

A large metal object drifts slowly through space.

TITLE: MIR SPACE STATION

INT. MIR SPACE STATION

A Russian cosmonaut floats around inside the cockpit.

COSMONAUT #1
Vlad nyet chakesfski. Bordat comrade
daboolschnet.

SUBTITLES: "Propulsion systems stable. No problems with MIR."

Suddenly, a green-faced monster with 6 eyes pops out from
behind the control panel.

MONSTER
Graah!!

COSMONAUT
Aieeee!

The monster removes its mask, revealing it is actually
Cosmonaut #2.

COSMONAUT #2
Porchat! Vlidit shtadecht!

SUBTITLES: "Gotcha! Happy Halloween!"

COSMONAUT
Shtadt bodit but shtad!

SUBTITLES: "You scared me you communist bastard!"

A red light on the control panel starts to flash. Yet another
cosmonaut floats into frame.

COSMONAUT #1
Uh... Shtool.

SUBTITLES: "OH....CRAP"

COSMONAUT #2
Schtool.

SUBTITLES: "Crap!"

EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

The boys stand at the busstop.

They say nothing, just stare forward and blink.

Kyle sighs softly.

Cartman sniffles. Then --

SMACK!! The MIR Space Station drops from the sky and crushes
Kenny, killing him instantly.

STAN
OH MY GOD! They killed Kenny!

KYLE
You bastards!!

CARTMAN
What the hell is that thing?

KYLE
It looks like a UFO!

CARTMAN
There's no such thing as UFOs!

Just then an ambulance pulls up. Two paramedics get out.

The boys watch as the paramedics place Kenny's crushed body
into a plastic body bag.

PARAMEDIC
Let's get him to the Morgue.

They throw Kenny's body in the back, jump in the car and
drive away. The boys stand there for several seconds,
blinking. Then the school bus pulls up and they shuffle on.

CARTMAN
Hey, wait 'till you guys see my
Halloween costume tomorrow! It kicks
ass!

KYLE
Dude, it can't be cooler than mine!

STAN
Hey, man, we gotta get home and get
our costumes ready!

EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

Clouds pass in front of the moon behind a creepy building
ominously nestled between two large hills and surrounded by
a huge graveyard.

A large black bird swoops down and perches on a large sign
which reads: "SOUTH PARK Mortuary". The bird lets out a shrill
cry. Then it lets out a poop.

INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

Kenny's dead body lies on an embalming table, surrounded by
tubes and medical instruments. The MORTICIAN and his ASSISTANT
stand nearby. On the wall behind them is a calendar which is
marked off up till the day "OCTOBER 30".

The Assistant sets the bottle down on a nearby shelf. The
Mortician takes an IV needle and sticks it into Kenny.

MORTICIAN
(Sighing)
You know... I think death is least
funny when it happens to a child.

ASSISTANT
Oh Yeah, I know what you mean.

The Assistant pours some Worchestershire sauce onto a corn
dog and takes a bite.

MORTICIAN
Marty, do you have to put that stuff
on everything?

ASSISTANT
I don't know. It just makes everything
taste so... English!

MORTICIAN
Well, let's let him drain.

The Mortician and his Assistant leave the room. The syringe
drains Kenny's blood into a bucket.

CREEPY MUSIC starts up as we see another tube which runs
embalming fluid into Kenny. We FOLLOW the tube up to a shelf,
past a row of bottles, up to a vat labeled "EMBALMING FLUID".

We MOVE UP to see that on the shelf above the vat sits the
bottle of Worchestershire sauce. As the music gets LOUDER,
the bottle starts to rock back and forth.

Suddenly, it FALLS over and begins to pour out into the vat
of embalming fluid!

As the music reaches a CRESCENDO, Kenny's eyes pop open!

EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

The Mortician and his Assistant stand by the back door,
smoking cigarettes.

MORTICIAN
So then the necrophiliac says, if
this ain't a cadaver, then I...

Kenny leaps onto the Mortician and clamps onto his head like
a velociraptor. A short melee ensues as Kenny claws and bites
both men and runs away.

ASSISTANT
(holding his head)
God damn, that little turd bit me!

MORTICIAN
(clutching his arm)
Me too!

EXT. SOUTH PARK - EVENING

As CREEPY MUSIC plays, Kenny's zombie silhouette walks down
South Park avenue -- clouds drift in front of a bright, half
moon.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING

Kyle stands alone at the busstop, but we don't recognize
him. He is wearing a strange, furry mask.

Stan walks up dressed as Raggedy Andy.

KYLE
Ha ha! You look like a pansy!

STAN
Shut up, Kyle!

KYLE
What are you supposed to be?

STAN
I'm Raggedy Andy.

KYLE
(Laughing)
Why the hell did you dress up like
Raggedy Andy, dude?!

STAN
Wendy's going as Raggedy Anne. And
she said this way we'd win the costume
contest for sure.

KYLE
No way, dude. I'm gonna win the
costume contest with this sweet
Chewbacca costume!

STAN
Wendy said that first prize is two
tons of candy!

KYLE
Wow, Cool!

Just then Cartman walks up dressed as Hitler.

CARTMAN
Hey dudes.

KYLE
Cartman... What kind of costume is
that?

CARTMAN
It's Adolph Hitler costume. SIEG
HIEL!! SIEG HIEL!!!

STAN
Where'd you get that?

CARTMAN
My mom made it. Isn't it Cool?

KYLE
NO IT'S NOT COOL!

CARTMAN
What are you supposed to be, Stan?
Howdy Doody?

STAN
No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat ass!

CARTMAN
Oh. Wow, you look pretty cool.

Long pause... Then Cartman and Kyle laugh loudly.

KYLE
Sissy

STAN
I'll kick your ass, Kyle!

CARTMAN
Oh look out! Holly Hobby is all pissed
off!!

Kenny walks up. One of his ribs juts out. Dark circles ring
his eyes. He looks like a Zombie.

KYLE
Hey look, Kenny's not dead.

Kenny slouches a little more.

STAN
You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.

KYLE
Yea, what's the matter? Couldn't
your family afford a costume for
you?

STAN
Yeah, why is your family so poor,
Kenny.

Kenny remains silent.

CARTMAN
Kenny's family is so poor, that
yesterday they had to put their
cardboard box up for a second
mortgage.

The boys laugh and wait for a smart ass comeback from Kenny,
but Kenny just stands there.

CARTMAN
(Agitated)
I said your family had to put a
cardboard box up for a second
mortgage!! Kenny!!!

No response.

CARTMAN
I'm talking to you, Kenny! Achtung!!
Poor piece of crap.

The school bus pulls up.

MS. CRABTREE
Come on, we're running late!

STAN
Ah, we're ALWAYS running late you
ugly skank.

MS. CRABTREE
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

STAN
I said I can't wait to own a fishing
tank.

MS. CRABTREE
Oh... neither can I.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

The Mortician and his Assistant sit on a little hospital
bed. The DOCTOR uses his stethoscope on their chests. The
Assistant moans softly.

DOCTOR
Very interesting...

MORTICIAN
What is it Doc?

The Doctor takes the stethoscope out of his ears.

DOCTOR
Well, your temperature is only 55
degrees, you have no pulse, no
heartbeat, and your eyes are all
puffy and sticky.

MORTICIAN
Oh, no. You mean...

DOCTOR
Yea, I'm afraid the two of you have
pink eye.

The Mortician and his Assistant gasp.

DOCTOR
I'd give you topical medicine but I
don't want to touch you.

ASSISTANT
Oh I'm so hungry and all I can think
about eating is is... BRAINS!

DOCTOR
Yeah, well, for God's sake don't
touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some
antibiotics.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The boys walk into the classroom.

KYLE
Just wait till everyone sees my sweet
Chewbacca costume! They're gonna be
so jealous --

The boys walk in and see:

The entire class is dressed up like Chewbacca.

STAN
Whoa dude!

KYLE
(Incredulous)
EVERYONE came as Chewbacca?

MR. GARRISON (O.S.)
It sure does seem to be a popular
costume this year Kyle.

The boys turn to see MR. GARRISON dressed up like MARILYN
MONROE. He lifts up his hands to reveal MR. HAT, who is
dressed as Chewbacca.

MR. HAT
(WOOKIE GROWL)

Kyle removes his mask and throws it down.

KYLE
Dammit!

STAN
Wendy?

The Chewbacca next to Stan takes off it's mask to reveal
that it's WENDY.

WENDY
Hi Stan.

STAN
You said we were going to be Raggedy
Anne and Andy, remember?

WENDY
Yeah.

STAN
We were going to enter the costume
contest as a pair!

WENDY
I know, but then... I guess I just
realized how stupid we would look.

Stan blinks.

STAN
You WHAT?!!

WENDY
I thought you would reach the same
conclusion, so I came as Chewbacca.

Stan slams his head down on his desk.

KID #1
Hey Stan, you look almost pretty
enough to kiss.

KID #2
Yeah, you want to be my girlfrind?

CARTMAN
You see? All of a sudden my costume
is pretty bad ass, huh?

KYLE
Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT
bad ass!

CARTMAN
You're just jealous. Why don't you
go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie!

KYLE
Wookies don't live on Endor!

CARTMAN
(Mimicing him)
Mama ma mi mo momo!

KYLE
At least my mom's not on the cover
of Crack Whore Magazine!

CARTMAN
What? What did you say?!

MR. GARRISON
Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas
take your seats.

The boys sit down.

MR. GARRISON
Children, since today is Halloween,
I thought we should learn something
about the great horror writer Jackie
Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins
first wrote her novel..

Kenny's arm falls off and hits the floor.

WENDY
Ew!

MR. GARRISON
Is there a problem Kenny? Let's try
to keep our hands and arms to
ourselves, okay?

KYLE
I'm never going to win that 2 tons
of candy looking like everyone else!

EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Ms. Cartman decorates the exterior of the house with Halloween
paraphernalia. It is already covered with plastic pumpkins,
skeletons, witches, vampires, graphic scenes from car crashes
and photos of mutilated bodies.

She hums happily as she hangs a photo of President Nixon.

MS. CARTMAN
Oh, I'm gonna decorate the house for
Halloween, With scary ghosts and
bats and creepy crawly things.

Just then the Mortician and his Assistant walk by, looking
completely Zombified.

MS. CARTMAN
Hello there! Happy Halloween!

MORTICIAN
Must... eat... brains... brains...

Another Townsperson walks past them and bumps into the
Mortician.

The Mortician and his Assistant immediately rip into the
Townsperson and gnaw on his head. The Townsperson SCREAMS
like a banshee.

Ms. Cartman continues to decorate, singing to herself happily.

MS. CARTMAN
(Singing)
It's the most wonderful time of the
year...

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The boys eat lunch.

KYLE
I'm gonna make a new costume during
recess. I can STILL win that candy!

CARTMAN
Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your
pudding?

Kenny sits there slumped over.

CARTMAN
(in a different voice)
No, Eric, go ahead and take my pudding
if you like.
(normal voice)
Why thank you, Kenny, how nice of
you!

Cartman takes Kenny's pudding.

KYLE
Aren't you hungry Kenny?

STAN
He hasn't moved an inch or said
anything.

CHEF approaches wearing a red white and blue jumpsuit.

CHEF
Hello children!

BOYS
Hey Chef.

Chef stops when he sees Cartman's costume.

CHEF
What in the hell are you doing dressed
up like that?

CARTMAN
(mouth full)
Eating Kenny's pudding.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA approaches.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Hello there, children. Oh, love the
Elvis costume, Chef.

CHEF
Elvis? I'm Evil Knieval! Why the
hell would I dress up like Elvis?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Why the hell would you dress up like
Evil Knieval? Anyway, I hope that
you kids are --

She stops when she sees Cartman's costume.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
AAAGH!! Eric! God bless it. What do
you think you're doing?

CARTMAN
Hey, he SAID I could have his pudding!
Ask him yourself!

Kenny drools.

CARTMAN
(in a different voice)
That's right Principal Victoria,
it's okay with me 'cause Eric is
cool.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Where did you get that costume young
man?

CARTMAN
My mom made it.
(loudly)
SEIG HIEL!! SEIG HIEL!!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
SHUSH!!
(Panicking)
Oh, God bless America. You get into
my office before anyone else sees
you! I have to show you an educational
video!

She drags Cartman away from the table. He squeals like a
hungry pig.

CARTMAN
Squueeee!! I don't want to see an
educational video.

Kenny leans over and bites into Clyde's arm -- CHOMP!

Clyde SCREAMS in agony.

CLYDE
OWWW! You bit my arm.

STAN
Oh Good! Kenny's back to normal!

INT. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA'S OFFICE - DAY

Cartman sits in a tiny chair opposite the Principal's desk,
watching a video monitor.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Watch the video Eric.

NARRATOR
Adolf Hitler was a very, very naughty
man.

The image on the TV becomes one of those famous shots from
WW2 footage of Hitler addressing a mass of Nazis.

HITLER
Sfinen! Loobin der Bruce Leeben! Ala
mencian verden brooder! Tauchter aus
elisium! Ala mention vereden brooder
vaus de modem stragal tout!

Cartman's smile grows. He seems impressed and intrigued.

He looks closely at the screen, but now the image of Hitler
has been replaced by Cartman on the stage.

CARTMAN
Juden est forbideen! Est una scrava
uts cafiga hoda!!

HITLER
Juden est forbideen! goddamit!

Now a little Smokey Bear type creature steps in front of the
camera.

SMOKEY BEAR
So remember kids, dressing up like
Hitler in school isn't cool.

These words appear across the screen as Smokey Bear says
them. Principal Victoria shuts the TV off.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Now, do you have any questions?

CARTMAN
Can I see that again? That was cool!

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
You must remove that costume
immediately!

CARTMAN
I can't, I have to win those two
tons of candy.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Well how about we make you a new
costume? Let's see now...

She looks around the office and spots a white sheet on a
shelf.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
Aha! Though of something. How about
we make you a nice scary ghost
costume?

CARTMAN
(whiny)
I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!

ANGLE ON: Principal Victoria, as she throws the sheet over
Cartman and starts SNIPPING away with a pair of scissors.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
(as she works)
And lemme just make a few quickie
alterations and... there you go young
man!

FULL SHOT OF CARTMAN, WHO NOW LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE KLANSMAN
IN HIS WHITE ROBE AND HOOD.

EXT. SOUTH PARK

The Mortican Zombie and his Assistant Zombie-walk down the
street.

They come across a pair of Joggers.

JOGGER #1
Ooh, looks like they got a touch of
that pink eye that's going around...

The Zombies attack the joggers. The Joggers SCREAM
horrifically.

INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

The gym is decorated for Halloween. A large banner reads
'Costume Contest!'.

The Chewbacca children all stand in line. At the end are KKK
Cartman, Stan (still as Raggedy Andy) and Zombie Kenny.

CARTMAN
Boo! I'm a ghost!

STAN
Oh man, I feel like a total chode.

CARTMAN
Oh c'mon Stan. Maybe that's just
because you LOOK like a total chode.

CHEF
Hello, children.

CARTMAN
Hey Chef.

Chef turns around and JUMPS when he sees Cartman.

CHEF
AHH!!

Chef runs away.

CARTMAN
Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts
huh!

STAN
Hey, where's Kyle?

Just then, the gym doors fly open and Kyle walks in wearing
a HUGE solar system costume.

KYLE
Check THIS out!

STAN
Whoa, dude!

CARTMAN
What is that?

KYLE
I'm the whole solar system!! The
planets even all revolve the right
way! That tub of candy is as good as
mine!

Mr. Garrison tweets on a little whistle.

MR. GARRISON
Okay children, let's get you lined
up so the judge can get a good look
at your stupid little costumes.

The kids line up.

MR. GARRISON
Children, this year we have a
celebrity judge. The star of 'Family
Ties'... Miss Tina Yothers!

Tina Yothers prances out on stage. The kids are unimpressed.

CARTMAN
Who?

KYLE
Dude, I thought she was dead.

STAN
Yea, me too.

Tina Yothers approaches Mr. Garrison and hands him an
envelope.

MR. GARRISON
Thank you, Miss Yothers.

Mr. Garrison opens the envelope.

MR. GARRISON
Okay, The Second Place award for
best costume goes to... Kenny, for
his Edward James Olmos costume!

Tina Yothers pins a red ribbon on Kenny. He drools.

MR. GARRISON
And the award for the Very Best
Costume goes to....

Kyle's eyes widen.

MR. GARRISON
WENDY! For her Chewbacca costume!

Wendy walks past all the other identical Chewbaccas and
receives the blue ribbon.

KYLE
WHAT?! But she looks just like
everybody else!

Wendy receives her two tons of candy.

KYLE
Up yours Tina Yothers!!!!

MR. GARRISON
And the award for the WORST costume
this year goes to... STAN for his
stupid little clown thing costume.

Let's all point at Stan and laugh children.

Everybody points and laughs at Stan.

Wendy stands next to Stan.

STAN
(muttering)
Thanks a lot, Wendy. You RUINED my
Halloween!

WENDY
Relax Stan, You'll feel better once
we're out trick or treating.

Stan can't believe it. He looks bitch-slapped.

STAN
I don't want to trick or treat with
you! You lied to me!!

MR. GARRISON
Okay, children let's all gather around
and bob for stupid apples now.

The kids gather around a large barrel of water.

MR. GARRISON
You go first bebe...

Bebe steps up and dunks her head in the water.

MR. GARRISON
That's good, just use those mouth
muscles like the girls in Beijing.

Just then, a little zombie Clyde steps up next to zombie
Kenny.

CLYDE
Brains...

Clyde dunks his head in after Bebe's head. Bebe screams in
pain.

MR. GARRISON
Wait your turn, Clyde!!

EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DUSK

Chef walk up to his house with a bag of groceries under his
arm. He pulls out his keys, when suddenly --

BAM!! A townsperson, JOHNSON, throws himself against the
door. He is a Zombie.

JOHNSON
ARRGGHH!!!

CHEF
AGH!!

Chef drops his groceries.

CHEF
Damn, Johnson, what the hell's gotten
into you?

JOHNSON
Piiinnnkkk... eyyeee...

Johnson lunges at Chef. Chef dodges and unlocks the front
door.

CHEF
Get the hell out of here, Johnson! I
don't want no God damn pink eye!

Chef goes inside and slams the door shut.

INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER

Chef sits in front of the TV, squeezing one of those
handmuscle things.

ANGLE: TELEVISION

ANCHORMAN
...and the President responded to
the incident by saying, quote, "Screw
those commie bastards, and screw
their little wussy space station".

The Anchorman turns to another camera.

ANCHORMAN
In other news, a pink eye epidemic
is now sweeping the town of South
Park. Here with a live report is a
midget wearing a bikini.

A midget wearing a bikini stands in front of South Park
avenue.

REPORTER
Thanks, Tom. Already more than half
of the townspeople here in South
Park have been infected with the
pink eye virus.

CUT TO:

Footage of townspeople walking around lik Zombies, arms
outstretched, attacking people and eating their brains.

REPORTER
Symptoms include a complete loss of
heart functions, blood pressure,
lung activity, and of course, sticky,
puffy eyes.

Chef puts down the remote control.

CHEF
Pink eye my ass! I've seen this kind
of thing before...

EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

Stan and Cartman stand on the sidewalk, ready to trick or
treat.

CARTMAN
Where the hell is Kyle? We don't
have all night to wait for him!

STAN
I bet I get more candy than you,
dude.

CARTMAN
Are you crazy? I'm the Candy Master!

STAN
No no, you're the ASS Master. There's
a difference.

CARTMAN
Hey, I'm not the one who walked around
all day looking like Pippi
Longstockings!

STAN
Oh yeah?! Well, at least MY mom's
not on the cover of Crack Whore
Magazine!!

CARTMAN
God Dammit! My mom is NOT on the
cover of Crack whore magazine!!!

Kyle walks in dressed as a little vampire.

KYLE
Hey dudes.

STAN
Oh good you're here. Now, let's make
sure we've got everything. Flashlight?

CARTMAN
Check.

STAN
Plastic pumpkin pails?

KYLE
Check.

STAN
Tazer?

KYLE
What's that?

STAN
For shocking people who try to give
us granola treats or something.

CARTMAN
Yeah, granola pisses me off!

Kenny approaches, looking completely Zombified.

STAN & KYLE
Hey Kenny.

CARTMAN
Whew! You stink, Kenny!

The boys consider him for a moment.

KYLE
You STILL didn't get a costume, Kenny?

Kenny doesn't respond.

CARTMAN
Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying
job or else Kenny's dad would be a
millionaire!

Kenny doesn't respond.

CARTMAN
I said YOUR DAD WOULD BE A
MILLIONAIRE!! KENNY!!! Kenny your
family is poor!! Kenny your family's
poor!!!

No response.

CARTMAN
(To Stan)
I don't like Kenny anymore. He just
doesn't communicate.

The boys start to walk away. Just then, Wendy shows up.

WENDY
Hi guys.

CARTMAN
Hi Wendy.

STAN
(Sarcastic)
How's your barrel full of candy,
Wendy?

WENDY
Oh, I didn't want all that sweet
stuff. I gave it away to hungry
children in Narobi.

CARTMAN
YOU WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?!

WENDY
Let's go trick or treats!

STAN
I don't think so, Wendy. I think
you've had enough candy for one day!

WENDY
Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed
up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't
be mad.

CARTMAN
How can he be mad with such pretty
hair and rosy cheeks?

STAN
Trick or treat with yourself, Wendy!

WENDY
But Stan.

STAN
No buts Wendy, I wish you were dead!

The boys walk away. Wendy looks sad. She stands there alone,
when suddenly a shadow looms over her. Wendy turns around
and screams.

WENDY
AAAGGHHH!!!!

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Chef rushes into the office, where the Doctor is examining a
patient.

CHEF
Doctor!

DOCTOR
Why hello Chef. Let me guess -- pink
eye, right?

CHEF
No, Doctor! I've seen this type of
thing before...

Chef pulls the Doctor aside.

CHEF
This ain't no pink eye... It's THE
LIVING DEAD!

DOCTOR
What the hell are you talking about?

CHEF
Think about it! Dead people getting
up and walking around... and Tina
Yothers comes to town! Coincidence?
Oh I don't think so!

DOCTOR
Chef, I think maybe the pink eye has
made you a little delirious. Let me
give you some topical cream --

CHEF
Damnit! Don't you see? These people
have been Zombified! They got no
heartbeat, no feeling... I'll show
you.

Chef goes over to the patient and rips off his arm. Blood
spews everywhere as the patient SCREAMS in agony.

DOCTOR
Uh Mr. Torres was here for a routine
checkup, Chef.

Mr. Torres collapses to the ground.

CHEF
Oh. Sorry. But my point is that
topical cream ain't gonna fix what's
wrong here!

DOCTOR
Hey... Hey now, there have been a
lot of incredible advances in topical
creams over the last few years!

The patient passes out from loss of blood.

CHEF
Doctor, who was the first person to
come in here with the sickness?

DOCTOR
Well, it was the Mortician and his
assistant at the Morgue yea.

Just then four Zombies burst into the office!!

CHEF
AAGHHH!!!!

Chef jumps out the window and escapes.

DOCTOR
Now now, fellas, let's form a line.
I've got enough topical cream for
everybody!

The Zombies attack the doctor, who SCREAMS out in pain.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

The boys stand on the front porch. The door opens revealing
an older lady.

BOYS
Trick or Treat!

Kenny's other arm falls off.

LADY
Oh, how cute!

The lady takes a handful of candy and starts to put it in
Cartman's bag --

Suddenly, Kenny lashes out and bites the woman's arm almost
in half.

LADY
AAIIIEEE!!

STAN
Dude, Kenny!

Blood spews everywhere.

LADY
OH MY GOD!

She slams the door shut. From inside we hear hear muffled
screams.

LADY (O.S.)
CALL 911! CALL 911!! CALL 911! CALL
911!!

CARTMAN
Oh nice going, Kenny! She was about
to give us the candy!

STAN
Yeah! She had Sweetie Pops!

Cartman slaps him in the head.

CARTMAN
You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Chef bursts into the office.

CHEF
Mayor, we've got a BIG problem --

Barbrady stands in front of the desk in women's underwear.
The Mayor pops up from behind her desk.

MAYOR
Why... Why Chef, what a surprise!

OFFICER BARBRADY
You're probably wondering why we're
standing here with a pile of money
and no pants on.

CHEF
Actually, I...

MAYOR
Well, I can assure you that it has
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the
Japanese Mafia

OFFICER BARBRADY
Not a thingy dingy.

CHEF
I don't really give a crap. We've
got to do something about THE LIVING
DEAD!

MAYOR
You mean Tina Yothers?

The Mayor and Officer Barbrady LAUGH hysterically.

CHEF
No, dammit! I'm talking about the
Zombies that have taken over South
Park!

OFFICER BARBRADY
Well, Evil Knieval, why don't you
jump over them with your rocket cycle?

The Mayor and Officer Barbrady laugh even harder.

CHEF
Aw, to hell with you both!

Chef leaves, slamming the door behind him.

The Mayor and Officer Barbrady laugh for a moment more, then
stop abruptly.

MAYOR
Well, let's get back to it.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Righteeo.

EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - NIGHT

The front door opens revealing an obese man.

BOYS
Trick or Treat!

The man holds out some candy.

MAN
Hope you kids like chocolate peanut
butter cream puffies --

Kenny JUMPS onto the man's back and SLASHES at his face.

The man tries unsuccessfully to pull him off.

MAN
AAGH! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF ME!!!

Kenny rides the man as he spins around and COLLAPSES.

The boys look on with blank expressions.

Kenny bites into the man's skull and digs into his brains.

CARTMAN
(pissed)
Dammit! We'll never get any candy if
Kenny keeps eating people!

STAN
Yeah! That's it, Kenny! You can't
trick or treat with us anymore!

The boys leave Kenny eating the man's brains.

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

The boys walk down the street. Behind them, several zombies
tear down a house, we HEAR screaming coming from inside.

EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - NIGHT

Kyle rings the doorbell. The door opens to reveal a huge man
in a KKK robe. Behind him stand several other Klansmen.

The Klansmen look down at Cartman in his KKK costume.

KIDS
Trick or Treat.

CARTMAN
Hey... They're all dressed up like
ghosts too!

The Klansman throws something into Cartman's pumpkin pail
and slams the door.

Cartman pulls it out and looks at it.

CARTMAN
ONE Tootie bar?! You cheap bastards!

EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The boys stand at the front door of Chef's house. Stan rings
the doorbell.

ANGLE ON: The boys, as the door opens.

BOYS
Trick or --

The boys SCREAM as they see:

Chef burst out at them, wielding two chainsaws.

CHEF
GET OFF MY PROPERTY YOU BRAIN EATIN'
ZOMBIE BASTARDS!!

BOYS
AHHH! CHEF!! NO!!!!

Chef realizes that the boys look normal.

CHEF
Oh, sorry children, I thought you
were one of them!

CARTMAN
Can we have candy now, please?

Chef frowns when he sees Cartman.

CHEF
Dammit boy, what the hell are you
doing dressed up like that?

CARTMAN
I'm TRYING to trick or treat God
Dammit!!

CHEF
Remind me to whup your ass good next
time I see you. Now get in here before
those Zombies get you!

INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The boys sit on the couch while Chef talks to them.

STAN
What are you talking about Chef?

CHEF
Zombies, children! South Park is
overrun with THE LIVING DEAD! Haven't
you noticed anything strange lately?

KYLE
Well, not really, except that Kenny
keeps eating peoples' brains...

CHEF
Don't you children see? Kenny's turned
into a zombie, along with everyone
else in town!

STAN
(realizing)
Oh my God! That means...

KYLE
(also realizing)
...if everyone has been turned into
Zombies...

CARTMAN
(having an epiphany)
...then there won't be anyone to
give US CANDY!!!!!!!!!

All the boys gasp at the same time.

CARTMAN
AAHHHH!

KYLE
Chef! You've got to help us!

CHEF
I'm working on it, children.

Chef throws a bunch of chainsaws and other assorted weapons
into a duffel bag.

STAN
Wait, where are we going?

CHEF
The Doctor said the first people he
treated were the Mortician and his
Assistant. Now, I've got a hunch
we'll get to the bottom of this at...
THE MORGUE!

The children sit on the couch frightened until Cartman farts.

CARTMAN
It was Kyle.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

Chef, clutching the duffel bag, leads the children up the
path to the Mortuary.

STAN
I don't know about this, Chef.

KYLE
Yeah. I'm scared.

CARTMAN
Remember candy. Focus on the candy.

INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT

Chef and the boys look around the room.

STAN
What are we doing here, Chef?

CHEF
Just look for anything suspicious.

Everybody looks around.

KYLE
I found it!! I found it!!!

Kyle pulls out a porno magazine. Bold letters on the cover
read: "CRACK WHORE MAGAZINE". On the cover is Cartman's mom,
posing in lingerie with a glass pipe in one hand and a butane
torch in the other.

STAN
What?

KYLE
See Cartman?! Your mom IS on the
cover!

Cartman's eyes bug out.

STAN
We TOLD you, dude!!

CHEF
(grabbing magazine)
You better let me take that, Kyle.

STAN
Hey Chef, look!

Chef comes over to Stan, who stands by the embalming table.

ANGLE ON: The plastic tubing. We FOLLOW it up onto the shelf,
past the row of bottles, up to the vat of embalming fluid,
then up to the empty bottle of Worchestershire sauce.

Chef grabs the empty bottle and reads the label. It says:

"WARNING: NOT TO BE USED AS EMBALMING FLUID. EMERGENCY
HOTLINE: 1-800-382-5633"

CHEF
Uh oh... We gotta call this hotline
number children!!

Just then, a window CRASHES open!! It is ZOMBIE PIP!!

PIP
PIIIINK EYYYEEE... PIIIINK EYYYEEE...

CARTMAN
It's the British kid!! He's a little
limy zombie now!!

Several other windows crash in. A horde of zombies is breaking
into the room!!

STAN
AAAGH!!!

CHEF
LOOK OUT, CHILDREN!!!

The zombies come at Stan and Kyle. Stan grabs a baseball bat
and smashes their heads in.

(FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT)

STAN
Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!!

Silence...

STAN
Chef?

WHIP PAN around the room and STOP on Chef -- who looks just
like Michael Jackson in 'Thriller'.

KYLE
Chef!!

Chef starts dancing and getting funky with the zombies.

CHEF
(Singing)
I'm gonna make love, even when I'm
dead. My body might get cold, but
it's always hot in my bed! Make love,
don't you be afraid. Just because my
heart ain't beating don't mean you
wont get laid.

STAN
Let's get outta here!!

The boys run away.

CHEF
Ooooohhhh!

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

The boys gulp nervously, look at each other, then SCREAM and
run away from the Zombies, who give chase.

STAN
We gotta call that Worchestershire
hotline!

CARTMAN
Hey! There's a payphone!!

The boys stop at a little payphone. Stan hands Kyle the
bottle.

STAN
You call the number, Kyle!

KYLE
But the zombies are coming!

STAN
We'll hold 'em off!!

Stan and Cartman grab their weapons and head towards the
zombies.

Kyle dials the number and An AUTOMATED VOICE comes on.

AUTOMATED VOICE
(English accent)
Welcome to the Worchestershire sauce
customer service hotline! For
Worchestershire sauce recipes please
press 1 followed by the pound sign.
For Worchestershire sauce product
placement please press 2. If
Worchestershire sauce has been used
as embalming please press --

BEEP!! Kyle quickly presses 3.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

CARTMAN
Nobody screws up my Trick or Treats
and gets away with it.

An EPIC battles rages. Stan and Cartman stand together as
the Zombies come at them.

Cartman cuts off both arms and the head of a Zombie.

CARTMAN
Yeah cool!

Stan cuts off the heads of two Zombies in one fell swoop.

STAN
Sweet!

We see a MONTAGE of Zombies getting beheaded from all
different angles. The chainsaws WHIR hellishly as Cartman
and Stan are sprayed with purple blood and bits of gore.

INT. MORTUARY

ANGLE ON: A photograph of three lovely ladies fondling each
other on a king-sized bed.

Zombie Chef sits at the table, quietly flipping through the
porno mag.

EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

ANNOYING HOLD MUSIC plays. After a moment, a voice.

OPERATOR (O.S.)
(English accent)
Worchestershire sauce emergency
hotline, this call might be monitored
to ensure you the highest quality
service, how may I help you?

KYLE
There's a bunch a zombies here!!

OPERATOR (O.S.)
Please hold.

The HOLD MUSIC starts up again.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

Cartman slams his chainsaw into the gut of a Zombie and lifts
him up off the ground, the chainsaw WHIRRING.

Stan finishes decapitating another Zombie, then turns to
see:

Zombie Wendy!

STAN
Wendy?

CARTMAN
Finish her, dude! She's a Zombie
now!

STAN
I know, but... but

CARTMAN
Come on, Stan! Remember how she dissed
you at the costume contest!

STAN
Hey yeah...

Wendy slowly advances on Stan.

INT. WORCHESTERSHIRE HQ - NIGHT

OPERATOR
With the regular sauce, the first
thing you need to do is make sure
that you DO NOT just go out and start
decapitating Zombies left and right,
do you understand? DO NOT start
decapitating Zombies left and right!

EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

Kyle looks out and sees Stan and Cartman killing Zombies
left and right.

KYLE
Uh... okay. Then what?

EXT. CEMETERY

Zombie Wendy continues to advance on Stan.

STAN
Wendy! I know we had a fight, and I
did wish that you were dead, but I
didn't mean it!

Zombie Wendy pauses for a moment, but then continues towards
Stan.

CARTMAN
Kill her, Stan!!

INT. WORCHESTERSHIRE HQ

OPERATOR
All you have to do is kill the
original Zombie, the one that started
the whole mess. Once you kill the
original Zombie all the other Zombies
will turn back to normal.

EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS

KYLE
Original Zombie? Well, how the hell
do we know who the original Zombie
is?

OPERATOR
We realize you have a choice in
Worchestershire sauces. We are
delighted that...

Kyle hangs up the phone.

KYLE
Wait a minute... That thing landed
on Kenny... And they took HIM to the
mortuary...

EXT. CEMETERY

STAN
I... I can't!

Everyone stops and watches as Kyle runs up with his mule
chainsaw. He approaches Kenny and SLAMS the chainsaw down on
top of his head.

He pushes down until the chainsaw gets caught in Kenny's
neck. GRUNTING, Chef pushes harder, until the saw goes clear
down to Kenny's feet, cutting him in half.

Immediately Wendy turns back to normal and collapses into
Stan's arms.

KYLE
Oh my god I killed Kenny! You
bastard!!

WENDY
(groggy)
Oh. What happened... Stan?

STAN
Don't worry, babe. Everything's gonna
be okay.

KYLE
It's working! They're turning back
to normal!

SFX: CHEESY MAGIC-WAND SOUND as the many Zombie corpses all
over the place lose their Zombie features and turn into
regular corpses.

CHEF
You did it, children!

Everyone cheers.

CARTMAN
Okay let's go trick or treating now
come on!

WENDY
I'm sorry I dissed you at school
like that, Stan. I guess I just wasn't
very considerate of your feelings.

STAN
That's okay, Wendy. I'm sorry I wished
you were dead.

They smile, gazing into each other's eyes.

WENDY
Maybe we could... Actually kiss
tonight Stan...

They lean forward and are about to kiss when Stan VOMITS on
Wendy.

WENDY
Eww! Gross Stan, Sick!! Barf is gross.

Wendy steps through the rotting corpses to run away.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

Stan, Kyle and Cartman, in normal clothes, are standing in
front of a tombstone.

STAN
Oh, man... I can't believe he's
gone...

The small grave reads 'Kenny McCormick' and then 'Sleep well,
little child, the Lord holds thee now'.

KYLE
Yeah... He was too young to be taken
from us!!

STAN
Dude, you're the one who cut him in
half with a chainsaw.

Cartman pulls out a small Kleenex and wipes his eyes.

CARTMAN
Let us remember the good times...
Kenny would have wanted it that way.

Cartman chokes himself up saying this. He really starts to
weep. Kyle puts his arm around him.

All the boys appear to be sobbing. But then, suddenly, Cartman
pops out of it.

STAN
You know I've really learned something
today... Halloween isn't about
costumes or candy... It's about being
good to one another and giving and
loving.

KYLE
No, dude, that's Christmas.

STAN
Oh... Then what's Halloween about?

KYLE
Costumes and candy.

STAN
Oh.

CARTMAN
(Suddenly fine)
Well, let's get home and start eating
candy.

The boys smile and start to walk away.

KYLE
We can eat it at Cartman's house and
see more naughty pictures of his
mom!

CARTMAN
Knock it off, you guys!! She said
she was young and she needed the
money!!

STAN
(Off-screen)
Cartman! The pictures were taken
like last month!!

CARTMAN
(Off-screen)
Screw you guys!!

The boys fully exit frame, and we are left alone in the
graveyard.

The camera TILTS DOWN to Kenny's grave...

Suddenly a brown gloved hand BURSTS through the ground!!!

As Horrific MUSIC plays, Kenny slowly pulls himself out of
his grave!!!

Finally, the music reaches a CRESCENDO as Kenny stands above
his grave and gives out a muted cry!!

PULL BACK

Just then, a large statue from the grave next-door falls on
top of Kenny, killing him instantly.

Music ends, all is silent...

After a few seconds, a small plane crashes on top of that...
As if that were necessary.

THE END

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