"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 106

"DEATH"

by

Matt Stone & Trey Parker



ACT I

INT. STANíS HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Stan's Family (Father, sister and Grandfather) are seated at
a table. Mother walks up holding a birthday cake with a
ridiculous number of number of candles.

STAN & FAMILY
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday
to you! Happy birthday dear grandpa!

Grandpa drools a little from his wheelchair.

STAN & FAMILY
Happy birthday to you!

STAN'S MOTHER
Now blow out the candles grandpa!

Grandpa manages the smallest wheeze, which doesn't even make
the flames of the candles flicker.

Stan's family members all applaud.

STAN'S FATHER
How does it feel to be a hundred and
two, paps?

GRANDPA
Shoot me.

STAN'S MOM
Make a wish grandpa!

GRANDPA
I wish I were dead.

FATHER
Ha, ha! That's our silly grandpa!

GRANDPA
I'm not being silly! Kill me! I'd do
it myself, but I'm too damn old!

STAN'S MOM
Oh, who wants ice cream with their
cake?

STAN
I will.

FATHER
Me.

Stan looks up and the clock and gasps.

STAN
It's eight o'clock! My favorite T.V.
show is on!

SHELLEY
That show's for babies, it's so
stupid!

STAN
Can I eat my cake in the living room,
mom? Please? Can I?

STAN'S MOM
Oh, alright. But take your grandpy
with you.

STAN
Aw, dammit.

STAN'S MOM
Language!

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Stan is sitting on the couch watching television and eating
cake.

NARRATOR
And now back to Terrance and Phillip!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Two average looking teens (animated in a slightly different
style) are sitting on a couch.

PHILLIP
Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart.

Stan laughs.

TERRANCE
Wait! before you do, Pull my thumb.

Phillip pulls Terrance's thumb. Terrance FARTS loudly.

The laugh track laughs. Stan laughs.

PAN OVER to reveal grandpa, who is trying to point a shotgun
at his head.

Grandpa pulls the trigger -- BLAM!! He misses, blowing a
picture of the wall.

GRANDPA
Aw Dammit!!

Grandpa looks at Stan.

GRANDPA
How would you like to make a dollar,
Billy?

STAN
My name's not Billy, grandpa, it's
Stan.

GRANDPA
Dammit, Billy! Do you want a dollar
or don't ya?!

STAN
Sure.

GRANDPA
Okay, you just have to do one thing
for me...

STAN
I'm not going to kill you, grandpa.

GRANDPA
WHY NOT?!

STAN
'Cause! I'll get in trouble!

GRANDPA
I killed my grandpa when I was your
age!

STAN
Leave me alone, grandpa.

GRANDPA
What has America's youth come to?!
Kids won't even kill their own
grandparents!!

INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Kyle is sitting in front of the T.V. watching the same T.V.
show.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

PHILLIP
Hey Terrance, now that you've farted,
I think I might fart too!

Phillip leans over and rips a big one. The laugh track laughs.

TERRANCE
Ooh! You farted!

The laugh track laughs again.

Kyle laughs painfully. He holds his stomach. Just then, Kyle's
mother walks in.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Kyle boopie, What are you watching?

But Kyle is laughing too hard to speak. His mother looks at
the television.

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?

PHILLIP
I sure would Terrance.

TERRANCE
Alrighty then, here's a Tulip PUUU!!
Terrance farts.

RESUME - KYLE AND MOTHER

Kyle is rolling around on the floor laughing wildly.

KYLE'S MOTHER
What is this? It's horrible!

KYLE
(Collecting himself)
Dude, it's 'Terrance and Phillip'.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

PHILLIP
Take that you stupid dick!

KYLE'S MOTHER
WHAT did he say?!

TERRANCE
You're an asshole, Phillip!

KYLE'S MOTHER
What-what-WHAAAATT?

Kyle's mom snaps the T.V. off.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Young man, you are not to watch that
show anymore! It's immature toilet
humor!

KYLE
But EVERYBODY watches Terrance &
Phillip!

KYLE'S MOTHER
Oh, really, is that SO?!

INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE

Cartman is on the couch eating cheesy poofs and watching
television.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Terrance and Phillip are floating out in space.

TERRANCE
Oh no, Phillip! looks like you're
about to fart!

PHILLIP
You're exactly right, Terrance!!

A huge FART sound. Cartman laughs wildly.

CARTMAN
Sweet!

CARTMAN'S MOM
Eric dear, I just got a call from
your friend Kyle's mother. She said
that this show is naughty, and might
make you a potty mouth.

CARTMAN
That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom
is a dirty jew.

CARTMAN'S MOM
Oh, okay hon.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

Stan walks up to his bedroom door and looks at his list of
chores. 'Take Out Trash' followed by 'Feed Sparky' then 'clean
up room' and then, sloppily scribbled in crayon, 'Kill
Grandpa'.

Stan looks confused, then realizes that grandpa is down the
hall.

STAN
I'm not going to kill you, grandpa!

Grandpa appears in the background.

GRANDPA
Ingrate!

STAN
G'night grandpa.

Stan goes into his room.

GRANDPA
You pompous son of a whore!

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

The kids are filing into their desks.

Kyle gets into his desk, and immediately gets slugged in the
head by Cartman.

KYLE
OW! What the hell was that for?!

CARTMAN
That's for your stupid mother! She
made me miss Terrance and Phillip
last night!

CLYDE
Yeah, what's the big idea having
your mom call all our moms last night?

KYLE
Well, I didn't have her do it, she
did it on her own!

CARTMAN
Why does this happen every month? It
seems like right about the same time
every month Kyle's mom gets a hair
up her ass about something -- and I
always end up getting screwed by it!

Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class.

MR. GARRISON
Children, children, a certain
student's mother called me last
night...

CARTMAN
Oh gee, I wonder whose mother THAT
could have been!

MR. GARRISON
She informed me that some of you
might be watching a naughty show
called 'Terrance and Phillip'.

The whole class smiles and cheers.

CLASS
YEAH!

MR. HAT
Watching that show is bad, Mr.
Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
That's right, Mr. Hat, shows like
Terrance and Phillip are what we
call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand
your minds.

The kids blink.

MR. GARRISON
You see, children, these kind of
shows are senseless, vile trash.

Kenny walks in.

MR. GARRISON
Kenny, why are you late to class?

Kenny says nothing, but just hands Mr. Garrison a note.

ANGLE - NOTE

'Please excuse me from being late. I have explosive diarrhea'.

RESUME - GARRISON

MR. GARRISON
Oh. Okay, Kenny. Be seated.

Kenny walks to his desk.

MR. GARRISON
Now, as I was saying, the reason
that parents of South Park are so
upset is because you -- yes Kenny,
what is it?

Kenny has his hand raised.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm.

MR. GARRISON
I thought you just came from the
bathroom.

KENNY
Mph rm rmph rm mph mph rm rm mm.

MR. GARRISON
Oh okay, okay, go ahead.

Kenny walks into a little bathroom.

MR. GARRISON
As I was saying, you all seem to
enjoy this show, even though it isn't
based in reality. There is much more
to life than two young men farting
on each other.

Suddenly, we HEAR the sounds of splashing water and explosive
diarrhea.

MR. GARRISON
And throughout history there have
always been shows that have come and
gone that have been very bad. Usually
they get taken right off the air.
You see you should be spending your
time enlightening your mind with
more intelligent entertainment.

Kenny walks out of the bathroom and takes his seat again.

STAN
Whew! Smells like you slaughtered a
cow in there, Kenny!

MR. GARRISON
Pay attention, children! I'm going
to join your parents in requesting
that you don't watch Terrance and
Phillip anymore, ever.

CARTMAN
WHAT?!

CLYDE
Not watch Terrance and Phillip EVER?

MR. GARRISON
That's right, children, are there
any questions?
(Pause)
Yes, Stanly?

STAN
Is it okay to kill somebody if they
want you to?

Garrison is taken aback.

MR. GARRISON
What do you mean?

STAN

The whole class sits and thinks.

STAN
My grandpa keeps asking that I kill
him all the time, and sometimes I
wonder if I should.

KYLE
Well then you should. I think that a
person has a right to die if they
wanna.

STAN
Really?

KYLE
Yeah, there's this guy named Jack
Laborkian that goes around and murders
people that ask him to, and he doesn't
get in trouble at all.

STAN
Wow.

CARTMAN
Hey! Maybe we could get him to kill
Kyle's mom!

STAN
So IS it okay to assist somebody
with suicide, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison thinks.

MR. GARRISON
Uh, Stan... I'm not touching that
one with a twenty foot pole.

Stan looks bummed.

KENNY
Mph mph mph!!!

Kenny dashes to the bathroom, slams the door, and let's go
of horrible, explosive diarrhea.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

The boys are in line for lunch.

CARTMAN
Man, I can't believe we're gonna
miss Terrance and Phillip today! I
think I'm already having withdrawal!

Cartman starts shaking and quivering uncontrollably.

STAN
Don't worry, dude. We can all go
watch it at my house! My parents
don't get home until late.

KYLE
But won't your grandpa be there?

STAN
Yeah...

CARTMAN
Just kill him, dude, maybe he'll
give you some money.

CHEF
Hello there, children!

STAN
Hey Chef.

CHEF
How's it going?

STAN
Bad.

CHEF
Why bad?

STAN
Chef, Is it okay to kill your grandpa?

CHEF
You can't kill my grandpa, Stan,
he's already passed on.

STAN
No I mean kill MY grandpa.

CHEF
No I don't think that's okay, Stan.
In fact I think that's illegal.

STAN
See, I told you, dude.

KYLE
Well yeah, but what if the grandpa
wants to die, 'cause he's really
old, and he's just asking for help?

CARTMAN
Yeah, like assisted suicide, what
about that?

Chef thinks again.

CHEF
I don't want to touch that with a
forty-foot pole.

Chef runs away.

They boys just sit there and blink.

STAN
What's the big deal? Why won't anybody
talk about this?

INT. PTA MEETING - DAY

A large group of parents have gathered in a small meeting
hall. Kyle's mother is at the head of the group, speaking at
a podium.

KYLE'S MOTHER
...and I myself was not aware of
this outrageous, horrible show until
recently. I have a clip of this show
to demonstrate exactly what I mean.

Kyle's mom hits a button of a remote. A video image of
Terrance and Phillip starts.

ANGLE - TELEVISION SCREEN

TERRANCE
Hey, Phillip, guess what?

PHILLIP
What?

FARRRRRRT...

The clip ends.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Now, apparently that's supposed to
be FUNNY.

Laughing is heard from the back of the room. CUT TO Stan's
Father, who is giggling to himself.

STAN'S DAD
Ha, ha... He farted right on his
head!

The other parents look at Stan's dad, disgusted.

Kyle's mom sighs.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Not allowing our kids to watch this
show is not enough. We need to BOYCOTT
THE ENTIRE NETWORK!! ALL THOSE IN
FAVOR?!

Hands bolt up into the air.

Suddenly, violent poo sounds emerge from the toilet.

Mr. Garrison steps out.

MR. GARRISON
Ooh, I think I've caught a touch of
flu from little Kenny this morning.
I've got the green apple splatters.

Some of the men in the audience laugh.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

Stan walks in the door followed by the other boys.

Grandpa is sitting in his wheelchair trying to stick a fork
into a light socket.

STAN
Hi, Grandpa. I brought my friends
over to watch T.V. if that's okay.

GRANDPA
Billy, help grandpa stick this fork
in the outlet.

STAN
No Grandpa, I'll get in trouble!

GRANDPA
Kill me God damnit!

STAN
No! I can't even kill a deer!

GRANDPA
Well then have one of your little
friends do it!!
(To Cartman)
You can kill me, can't you?

CARTMAN
I would never kill somebody -- not
unless they pissed me off.

GRANDPA
Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me
tell you something, Porky, your mom
was over here earlier and I humped
her like a little bitch.

CARTMAN
WHAT?!

GRANDPA
That's right.

STAN
GRANDPA!!

GRANDPA
And then I dug up your great grandma's
skeleton and had my way with her
too! Choice piece of ass, your great
grandma!!

CARTMAN
HEY! YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I'LL KILL
YOU!!

GRANDPA
That's the spirit, Tubby!!

STAN
Come on, Cartman, he's just trying
to get to you!

Stan grabs Cartman and pulls him away.

CARTMAN
Don't talk about my mom like that!!

STAN
We can go watch Terrance and Phillip
in the kitchen.

GRANDPA
(Calling after him)
I ever tell you 'bout the time I
boofed your dad, fatso?

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

The boys are standing next to a small T.V. set and a phone.
Cartman is still fuming.

CARTMAN
I can't believe that son of a bitch!

STAN
Here, Cartman, have some snacky cakes.

CARTMAN
(Suddenly fine)
Ooh, snacky cakes? Good deal...

Cartman starts to gorge himself.

STAN
I don't know what to do, dude. My
Grandpa really wants to die.

KYLE
I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe
you should ask the Lord for guidance.

STAN
Hey yeah, good idea.

Stan picks up the phone.

INT. JESUS AND PALS SET

NARRATOR
And now back to 'Jesus and Pals' on
South Park Public Access.

JESUS
Yea, believe in me and ye shall find
peace. ...First caller, you're on
Jesus and Pals.

VOICE
Yeah, is this Jesus?

JESUS
Yes, caller, you need to turn your
T.V. down, that's why you're getting
that weird feedback.

VOICE
Oh sorry... Uh, this is Mar --

JESUS
Martin from Aspen Park, yes I know.

VOICE
...How the hell did you know that?

JESUS
Well, maybe because I'm the son of
God, brainiac, now do you have a
question?

VOICE
Oh yeah, uh, I have this cousin who
cheated on the SAT's to --

JESUS
Tell little Gregory that cheating is
lying and lying is wrong, no matter
what the circumstance.

VOICE
Oh, Okay, thanks for the advice,
Jesus.

JESUS
Next caller, you're on the air.

STAN
Jesus?

JESUS
Yes my son.

STAN
Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody
if they ask you to because they're
in a lot of pain? You know, like
assisted suicide. Is that okay?

JESUS
My son...

STAN
Yes?

JESUS
I'm not touching that with a sixty
foot pole.

Jesus QUICKLY reaches over and switches phone lines.

JESUS
Next caller --

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

STAN
GOD DAMMIT!!

JESUS
I heard that.

STAN
What the hell is wrong with
everybody?!

CARTMAN
Hey you guys! 'Terrance and Phillip'
is on!

STAN
Yeah!

Stan starts to change the channel.

KYLE
Hey, do you think we'll get in trouble
for watching it?

STAN
Kyle, don't be a butthole!

CARTMAN
Yeah, just 'cause your mom is a stupid
bitch doesn't mean the whole world
has to suffer.

KYLE
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

CARTMAN
Oh, Bitch... your mom is a Bitcha
Bitcha Bitch...

ANGLE - TELEVISION

ANNOUNCER
And now back to Terrance & Phillip.

The two very plain looking teens are sitting on a couch.

TERRANCE
Hey Philip, would you like to eat
some beans?

PHILLIP
Oh yeah! I love beans!

RESUME - KITCHEN

CARTMAN
(Laughing)
Oh oh... I bet I know what's coming!

Grandpa wheels himself in and nonchalantly hands Stan a piece
of rope.

GRANDPA
Billy, would you mind holding this
for grandpa, please?

Stan doesn't take his eyes off the T.V.

STAN
Okay, grandpa, okay. Just get out of
the way of the T.V.

Stan takes the rope. Grandpa heads to the background.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, it looks like those
beans might make me fart!

PHILLIP
Well, don't fart on me, Terrance!

RESUME - LIVING ROOM

The boys all laugh merrily. Meanwhile, Grandpa is doing
something odd in the background.

He is throwing the other end of the rope around a crossbeam.

KYLE
Dude, he's gonna fart on his head
again!!

Suddenly, Kenny jumps up and rushes to the bathroom. We HEAR
a door SLAM and then the sounds of splashing water and
explosive diarrhea.

KENNY
Mmmf Mrph mamm Mrmmm!

CARTMAN
Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny!

A fart sound comes from the T.V. The boys all break out
laughing hysterically.

PHILLIP
You're such an ASSHOLE Terrance!!

TERRANCE
Ha Ha charade I am.

The boys laugh even harder.

CARTMAN
Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna miss
the fart!!

Just then, Shelley walks in!

SHELLEY
JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING?!?!

Stan jumps up and stands in front of the T.V.

STAN
We're not watching Terrance and
Phillip, I swear! I mean... CARTMAN
was watching it.

SHELLEY
No, I mean what the HELL ARE YOU
DOING TO GRANDPA?!

Stan looks down at the rope in his hand, then follows it up
over a crossbeam, and finally sees grandpa at the other end,
hanging by the neck.

GRANDPA
(Choking)
Tug... a... little... harder...
Billy...

STAN
AGH!

Stan lets go of the rope and grandpa crashes to the ground.

SHELLEY
You little jerk, you were trying to
kill grandpa!! I'm telling mom!!

GRANDPA
(Coughing)
Dammit, I was so close!

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

REPORTER
Four third graders from South Park,
Colorado were found trying to
viciously murder an innocent,
grandfather.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

The boys are on some kind of talk show.

REPORTER
Boys, how did you get driven so far
to the edge? What changed you into
such demonic little bastards?

STAN
We didn't know what we were doing.
We were just sitting there watching
'Terrance and Phillip' and --

REPORTER
Terrance and Phillip!! Ah HA!!! SO
it IS that show that is to blame!

EXT. SOUTH PARK

Kyle's mother is standing in front of the town with yet
another reporter.

KYLE'S MOTHER
These boys' minds have been tainted
by the garbage on television that
they see, and we are FED UP!

A random TOWNSPERSON holds his stomach and runs into a
bathroom where thundering shit sounds emerge.

Garrison runs up to the bathroom door and pounds on it.

KYLE'S MOTHER
We have to stop this smut from going
on the air! We will march to the
network and PROTEST UNTIL OUR DEMANDS
ARE MET!! NEW YORK, HERE WE COME!!!

The parents all cheer.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

ACT II

EXT. NEW YORK

Establishing shot of the filthy, violent, rancid city that
is New York.

EXT. CARTOON CENTRAL - DAY

Within the city, a mob is gathered out front of the towering
skyscraper of Cartoon Central. Kyle's mother stands in front
of the crowd with a bullhorn, addressing the crowd.

KYLE'S MOTHER
We are spreading the word to this
establishment -- That we DEMAND better
television for our children!

The people cheer.

KYLE'S MOTHER
We want more QUALITY television like
'Full House'!!

Several of the South Park residents, however, are waiting in
line for one of the two port-o-pottys.

STAN'S FATHER
Ooh, I think you gave me the stomach
flu, Mr. Garrison.

MR. GARRISON
No, no, it was that little Kenny
bastard that gave it to me.

Mayor McDaniels steps out.

STAN'S DAD
Whoa, Mayor, you making gravy in
there?

MAYOR MCDANIELS
I just had a brown baby boy!

They all laugh, in spite of themselves.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

The boys are running around the house like crazy. Garbage
and food is everywhere.

KYLE
Dude! This is SWEET not having any
parents around!

STAN
Yeah! I hope they protest T.V. shows
forever!

The boys start jumping up and down on the sofa.

STAN
WHOOPEE!!!!

GRANDPA
Come here, Billy, I want to show you
something...

STAN
Aw, do I have to?

GRANDPA
Yes you do you little pecker!

Stan sighs and follows his grandfather.

GRANDPA
I realized that the reason you won't
kill me, is because you don't
understand how I feel, Billy.

They walk to one of the bedroom doors.

GRANDPA
But I found out a way to show YOU
what it feels like to be grandpa.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM

Grandpa leads Stan into a little bedroom and closes the door,
locking both himself and Stan inside.

STAN
Hey, what are you doing?

Grandpa hits a switch, and the lights in the room go out.

Stan tries to look around the dark room.

Grandpa reaches down and puts a tape into a tape player.

EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY

The other boys have their ears pinned against the door.

KYLE
What are they doing in there?

CARTMAN
I don't know...

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM

GRANDPA
Now, you're about to see what it's
like to be as old as me. Are you
ready Billy?

STAN
I guess.

Grandpa flips the switch on the tape player. A slow ENYA
Song begins to play.

ENYA
(Singing)
Take a look, take a look...

As the song continues, Stan is forced to just sit in the
dark room and listen to it.

Finally, Stan grabs the doorknob, but its locked.

STAN
Okay, you can let me out now.

GRANDPA
Not just yet.

Grandpa turns the song up louder. Stan pulls on the door.

STAN
LET ME OUT, GRANDPA!!

The song gets even louder still.

STAN
I can't take it anymore! This music
is terrible!! It's cheesy but lame
and eerily soothing at the same time!!

GRANDPA
THAT'S IT!!!! NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE TO BE GRANDPA!!!!

EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY

Grandpa opens the door. Stan falls out, looking terrible and
beaten.

Grandpa flips off the Enya music, and goes over to Stan.

STAN
Grandpa... I... I had no idea how
bad it was for you... Now I
understand...

GRANDPA
So now will you kill me, Billy?

STAN
Sure I will grandpa... I will.

EXT. TOON CENTRAL

The people of South Park are still gathered around South
Park, only now, they have chained themselves to the building.

STAN'S MOM
It doesn't look like our protest is
working.

KYLE'S MOM
It'll work... It has to...

Suddenly, a well dressed businessman emerges from the doors
of the building.

KYLE'S MOM (CONT'D)
Look! It's the president of the
network!!

JOHN WARSOG
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is
John Warsog. I have prepared a
statement for you on behalf of the
network...

The people all stand up. Warsog puts on glasses and pulls a
piece of paper out of his pocket.

He clears his throat, and unfolds the piece of paper.

Finally he begins to read.

JOHN WARSOG
'Fuck you.'

John folds the piece of paper and puts it back into his
pocket. He takes off his glasses.

JOHN WARSOG
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If
there are any questions, you may
direct them to that brick wall over
there.

John walks back into the building. Kyle's mother is furious.

KYLE'S MOTHER
HEY, YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH
THIS!!!

John pauses to pull down his pants and moon the crowd, then
continues on into the building.

KYLE'S MOTHER
THAT DOES IT! NO MORE MR. NICE
PROTESTERS! It's time for PLAN B!

CARTMAN'S MOM
Oh Carol, where are the port-o-
potties?

KYLE'S MOTHER
Over there hon. What, you need to
drop some friends off at the pool?

CARTMAN'S MOM
Oh yes indeedy!

The two women laugh, in spite of themselves.

Cartman's mom runs to the toilet, slams the door, and shits
up a storm.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT

Grandpa is sitting below a large tree.

STAN
Okay, grandpa, all you have to do is
sit there. We'll do the rest. You
got the cow all tied up?

Kyle finishes putting a rope around a scared cow's waist.

KYLE
Yep, all done.

STAN
Kay, come on, guys.

The boys all grab the rope, and start to hoist the cow up,
using a branch above grandpa's head as a pully.

CARTMAN
Why don't we just shoot him?

STAN
You dumbass, Cartman! It has to look
natural, or else we'll all get busted.

KYLE
Yeah, stupid.

The boys pull on the rope and the cow gets hoisted up over
grandpa.

GRANDPA
That's good, Billy... A little higher
now...

The cow dangles in the air. The boys wrap their end of the
rope around the base of another tree.

EXT. TOON CENTRAL - NIGHT

Kyle's mother walks up to the news cameras and the
microphones.

KYLE'S MOTHER
The network isn't taking us seriously.
In the past, people have had to die
for what they believed in, and we
are prepared to do the same. Ready?

The people near the sling shot all nod.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Mr. McKormick, you shall be a martyr
to us all. God speed.

KYLE'S MOTHER
WE WILL NOT LET THESE CORPORATE
HALFWITS RUIN OUR CHILDREN'S MINDS!!
LAUNCH!!!

The sling shot is cut, Mr. McKormick goes flying into the
air and hits SPLAT!! into the side of the Toon Central
building, dying instantly.

The news people all gasp.

KYLE'S MOTHER
We will all follow suit! One by one
if that's what it takes!!

The line to the port-o-potties is getting longer. People
moan with stomach aches.

EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT

The cow dangles dangerously above grandpa. The other end of
the rope is tied around a tree.

Stan holds a knife in his hand, ready to cut the rope, and
send the cow on top of his grandfather.

STAN
Are you ready grandpa?

GRANDPA
Does the Pope crap in the woods?

Stan is about to cut the rope when suddenly, a light flashes!

The boys all look over at the road, where Officer Barbrady
has pulled up in his patrol car.

Barbrady studies the scene from his car, he looks at the
cow, the grandpa below it, Stan with the knife in his hand...

The boys' eyes all grow wide.

A long time passes.

BARBRADY
...Carry on.

Barbrady drives away. The boys all sigh.

STAN
Okay, here we go... Bye Grandpa, it
was nice knowing you.

GRANDPA
Cut the damn rope already!

But now another FLASH!! This one is HUGE. The boys all reel
back from its glow.

KYLE
Whoa, what is that?!

When the smoke clears, the boys see a tall figure, dressed
in black and carrying a sythe.

STAN
Whoa... It looks like... death!

GRANDPA
It's about time you late ass lazy
son of a whore!

Death looks down at Grandpa.

GRANDPA
Come on! Let's go!

But death walks past grandpa and heads towards the boys.

GRANDPA
What the --

STAN
Hey, he's coming towards US!

CARTMAN
Why is Death coming after us?

But death relentlessly heads for the boys. The boys all scream
and run.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

The boys run inside. Death is just behind them. It makes a
horrible sound.

DEATH
Mrrrrr...

The boys all run up into Stan's room and slam the door shut.
Death is just on the other side, pounding on the door.

THE BOYS
Help, run run run!

CARTMAN
What are we gonna do?!

Stan looks over at his telephone.

EXT. TOON CENTRAL - DAY

REPORTER
As the day progresses, more and more
South Park residents continue to
sling shot their bodies into the
side of the Toon Central building.

Behind him, an OLD LADY flies through the air and splats
into the building.

REPORTER
Toon Central is under incredible
pressure to cancel the show, and has
already lost over 20 percent of their
sponsors...

Kyle's mother walks up to Stan's mother and hands her a cell
phone.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Here, Carol, I think it's your boy.

STAN'S MOTHER
Oh, thanks.
(Into the phone)
What is it, Stanly hon? Did you break
something?

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

STAN
Mom, death is here and he's trying
to take all of us away with him.

The boys all look worriedly at the door which is still
pounding and shaking.

EXT. TOON CENTRAL

STAN'S MOTHER
Stanly honey, you need to leave Mommy
alone, I'm doing something very very
important for your little well-being
there.

STAN
Yeah, but mom --

STAN'S MOTHER
Here honey, talk to your father.

Stan's dad gets on the phone.

STAN'S FATHER
Did you turn the heat down?

STAN
Dad, death is coming --

STAN'S FATHER
Keep the thermostat under 70. Take
care of your grandfather.

Click.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE

Stan hangs up the phone. Death starts carving away at the
door with his sicle.

STAN
Dammit! You know, I think that if
parents would spend less time worrying
about what their kids watch on T.V.
and more time worrying about what's
going on in their kids' lives, this
world would be a much better place.

KYLE
Yes, I think that parents get only
get so offended by television because
they rely on it as a babysitter and
the sole educator of their kids.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph mmm rmph
mph mph rmp mm.

KYLE
Totally dude.

STAN
Good point man.

Suddenly death BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR!!!

STAN
AAGH!!

KYLE
Quick! Jump out the window!!

Just before Death can reach them, the boys jump out the
window.

COMMERCIAL BREAK 2

ACT III

EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT

The boys run screaming down South Park avenue. Death pursues
them on a tricycle.

Grandpa is pursuing Death in his wheelchair.

GRANDPA
Come back here you pompass son of a
panzy!

Slowly, Death catches up to the boys, he stretches out his
bony hand...

STAN
AAGH!!

KYLE
Don't let him touch you! You die if
he touches you!!

GRANDPA
I'm over here you son of a whore!

Death chases the boys past a TV shop, where dozens of TVs
are on in the window.

They are all playing Terrance and Phillip.

ANGLE - TELEVISION

Terrance and Phillip are floating through space with little
space suits on.

PHILLIP
Oh Terrance... What color is the
wind?

Death looks intrigued.

TERRANCE
I don't know why don't you check --

Terrance turns his ass towards Phillip and farts.

PHILLIP
OH! YOU FARTED!!

Death laughs loudly. He has to lay down his scythe to hold
his stomach.

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip, you know what my space
suit smells like?

PHILLIP
No, Terrance, why don't you tell me.

TERRANCE
Well, it smells like... A dirty fart!

They laugh. Death laughs even harder.

STAN
Hey look!

The boys stop running and notice that death is watching the
show.

Everybody gathers around the TV and watches. Laughing happily
together.

EXT. TOON CENTRAL

The reporter is standing out front of the Toon Central
building.

REPORTER
Hours have passed and still the die
hard South Park parents are killing
themselves in front of the Toon
Central building one by one.

Another person splats into the side of the building.

REPORTER (CONT'D)
Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems
to be going around is... Wait, wait...
I'm getting word that John Warsog,
the president of the network is going
to make a statement!

Warsog again takes the stand, just as another MAN is about
to be released from the sling shot. A look of relief crosses
the man's face.

JOHN WARSOG
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Nazi-esque
tactics of trying to stink us out
with your rancid feces... has worked.

The people look confused. The port-o-potties are indeed backed
up.

JOHN WARSOG
Therefore, today we will officially
be taking 'Terrance and Phillip' off
the network, and replacing it with
reruns of 'She's The Sheriff.'
Starring Suzanne Summers.

The people all rejoice and cheer.

JOHN WARSOG
Now get away from here and take your
diarrhea with you!

The townspeople all cheer and rejoice. The two guys at the
sling shot accidentally let it go, and the man goes flying
into the air and splats against the building.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Now at last we can return to
normality!

EXT. SOUTH PARK TV SHOP - NIGHT

The boys and death are still happily watching Terrance and
Phillip.

TERRANCE
Hey Phillip.

PHILLIP
Yes Terrance.

TERRANCE
Is there a penny stuck in my butt?

PHILLIP
I don't know Terrance, let me check...

CARTMAN
Oh, oh. Don't look there Phillip,
you're going to get farted on!!

Phillip moves his head towards Terrance's ass when suddenly
FWOOP! A second of static and then the Toon Central logo.

The boys and death look confused.

NARRATOR
We interrupt this program to bring
you some loud static.

Loud static fills the screen.

Death goes absolutely ballistic. It lets out a horrible cry.

DEATH
MARRRR!!!!!

And turns back on the boys.

KYLE
AAGH!!

Death stretches out its skeleton hand and touches Kenny.

Kenny immediately falls to the ground.

KYLE
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!!

The boys stop and look at Kenny's motionless body.

KYLE
(To Death)
You bastard!!

STAN
Wow, I guess Death was just coming
after Kenny the whole time.

Grandpa wheels himself up, panting.

GRANDPA
HEY! You were supposed to kill ME!!

Death shakes its head.

GRANDPA
That's not fair, God Dammit! My
grandpa asked me to kill him and I
did it!

Death says nothing, but points his boney finger to a glowing
fog.

STAN
Whoa...

In the glowing fog, another EXTREMELY OLDER man appears,
floating above the ground.

OLD OLD MAN
Billy...

GRANDPA
Grandpa?

OLD OLD MAN
That's right, Billy.

GRANDPA
My name's not Billy, Grandpa! And
what's wrong with you? Why do you
look all haggard?

OLD OLD MAN
I asked you to kill me, Billy, but I
was wrong... And now I am forced to
spend eternity in limbo.

GRANDPA
Limbo?

OLD OLD MAN
I was wrong to put you in that
position, Billy. Just like you're
wrong to put little Billy in it now.
You're so obsessed with ending your
life, you're not thinking about what
you're doing to his.

Grandpa thinks.

OLD OLD MAN
You must wait to die of natural
causes.

GRANDPA
But I've been waiting for twenty-
five years! Let nature run its course,
or else end up in limbo...

The old old man starts to fade away. He, death and Kenny all
float up to the sky.

OLD OLD MAN
Natural causes, Billy... Natural
causes...

STAN
C'mon you guys, let's go home.

Rats come and pull Kenny away.

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Stan's mom and dad walk in the door. Kyle's mom is with them.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Here they are!

STAN'S DAD
Well, we did it son! We have fought
a battle for your well-being and
won!

STAN
What do you mean?

STAN'S MOM
We got Terrance and Phillip taken
off the air!

The boys all look terribly disappointed.

CARTMAN
(To Kyle)
You son of a bitch! Your mom sucks!

KYLE'S MOTHER
But look what they put on!

Kyle's mother flips on the television.

TELEVISION
And now back to 'She's the Sheriff!'!

The boys look horribly disappointed.

CARTMAN
NOOOOO!!!! GOD NOOOOOO!!!!!

ANGLE - TELEVISION

SUZANNE SUMMERS
You were the one behind all these
shenanigans!

MALE ACTOR
Yeah, well, you're the stupid ho
that started it.

KYLE'S MOTHER
What did he say?

SUZANNE SUMMERS
Up yours, buttmunch!

RESUME - LIVING ROOM

The parents are all staring at the T.V. Kyle's mom is furious.

KYLE'S MOTHER
WHAT-WHAT-WHAAAT?!?!

Kyle's mother picks her sign back up.

KYLE'S MOTHER
Come on everybody! Back to New York!!

The parents all dash out the door.

KYLE
Hey Stan, now that Terrance and
Phillip has been taken off the air,
what are we going to do for
entertainment?

STAN
I dunno... We could start breathing
gas fumes...

CARTMAN
My uncle says that smoking crack is
kinda cool...

KYLE
Hey! Why don't we go watch some of
those porno movie thingies?

STAN
Cool!

CARTMAN
Yeah!

Grandpa wheels out wearing tourist garb and holding pamphlets.

STAN
What are you doing grandpa?

GRANDPA
I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did
you know over 400 people are eaten
naturally by lions in Africa every
year?

STAN
That's my silly grandpa!

The boys all laugh and fart.

THE END

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