"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 104

"BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOATRIDE"

by

Matt Stone & Trey Parker



EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY

The boys are waiting for their bus.

KYLE
Hey, where's the school bus? We're
gonna be late for football practice.

A dog comes walking up to Stan wagging it's tail.

STAN
Hiya Sparky!

KYLE
Who's that?

STAN
That's my new dog, Sparky.
(Proudly)
He followed me to the busstop!

KYLE
Wow, cool!

STAN
Good boy, Sparky! Who's my best buddy?
Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?

CARTMAN
Ugh, you're making me sick, dude.

STAN
He's part Doberman, and part wolf!
He's the toughest dog on the mountain!

CARTMAN
No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester
is the toughest dog in South Park!

WHIP PAN to a mangy mutt bull dog sitting on the curb that
looks ridiculously fierce and pissed off.

STAN
He's not meaner than Sparky!

CARTMAN
Oh yeah? Let's see... HEY SYLVESTER!

Sylvester angrily walks over to the boys. He and Sparky
immediately growl at each other.

STAN
Sparky'll kick his ass!

CARTMAN
I'll put a dollar on Sylvester!

KYLE
You're on, dude!

Sparky and the other dog circle each other. Finally Sparky
lunges!

STAN
That's it, Sparky kick his ass!

Sparky hops on top of the dog. We see only the top part of
Sparky and the boys' faces, which all look confused.

CARTMAN
Huh... He's doing something to his
ass. He's not kicking his ass, but
he's definitely doing something to
his ass.

STAN
Sparky?! Bad dog.

KENNY
Mphph rmph rm rmph!

STAN
WHAT?

CARTMAN
Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay!

STAN
What do you mean?

CARTMAN
That dog is a gay homosexual.

STAN
(To the boys)
He's just confused.

KYLE
I think the OTHER dog's the one that's
confused.

KENNY
Mph rmph rmph!

STAN
Sick, shut up, dude!

Finally, Sylvester runs away yelping.

CARTMAN
(Singing)
Stan's dog's a homo! Stan's dog's a
homo!

Cartman is cut off by the big yellow bus entering frame.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

The large football field sits behind South Park Elementary.
The boys are all dressed in cute little football uniforms,
with "South Park Cows" on the jerseys and a cow's head on
the helmet.

CHEF
Okay children, I know that you're
all extremely excited, nervous and
anxious about the homecoming game
against Middle Park --

KYLE
Who's Middle Park?

CARTMAN
What's homecoming?

CHEF
-- But just remember what I taught
you: That football is like making
love to a really beautiful women;
You can't always score, but when you
do it makes all the trying worth
while.

The kids blink.

CHEF
Now let's start practice!

Chef blows his whistle and the kids put on their helmets and
walk to the field.

PIP
Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

CHEF
Yes, Pip, what is it?

PIP
Well I still don't have a helmet.

CHEF
I know, Pip, the school can't afford
helmets for everybody.

PIP
Yes, but, couldn't we ROTATE who
doesn't have a helmet every week?
Does it always have to be me?

CHEF
Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.

PIP
Oh.

CHEF
Sorry, son, now get your ass in there.

Pip joins the other kids, who are in huddled positions at
the line of scrimmage.

Stan plays quaterback.

STAN
HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!
HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!

CHEF
HIKE THE DAMN BALL!!

Cartman snaps the ball, which goes flying past Stan.

The kids all yell and run around in circles. Kyle charges
Pip head first, smashing Pip's helmetless head open.

Chef rolls his eyes as Jimbo and Ned come walking up.

JIMBO
Hey, how's practice coming there,
Chef?

CHEF
Huh? Oh, fine, fine.

JIMBO
I don't have to remind you just how
important this game is to us South
Park alumni.

CHEF
Elementary school alumni?

JIMBO
That's as far as most of us got. You
think we have a shot at beating the
spread against Middle Park this year?

CHEF
I don't know? What's the spread?

JIMBO
Middle Park by seventy points.

CHEF
Hmmm...

Chef looks over at the kids who are running around in circles.
Cartman takes the ball and immediately falls over on top of
Kenny.

CHEF
I don't think we have a chance.

JIMBO
Nonsense, not with MY nephew at
quaterback! Right, Stanly?!

STAN
Huh?

Stan turns and gets smacked in the head with the football.
He falls down, but then quickly gets up, grabs the ball and
throws an incredible long bomb...

At the other end, Kyle catches the ball!

JIMBO
Atta boy!!

CHEF
Great pass, Stan!

JIMBO
C'mon, Ned, we gotta get our asses
to the bookie!

Jimbo and Ned dash off.

EXT. NEAR FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

The boys are all taking off their uniforms.

CHEF
Okay, that was a good practice
children, we'll see you here again
tomorrow.

KYLE
Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?

Stan looks to see that Sparky is prancing onto the playing
field.

STAN
Yeah, he must have followed me to
football practice. You see? He IS
smart!

KID (CLYDE)
Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football
practice all the time.

Little Rex just sits there. Sparky walks over to it.

STAN
Yeah, but MY dog found his own way
here! That makes him smarter than
your -- SPARKY get down!!

KID
OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING TO MY
DOG?!?!

CARTMAN
There he goes again!

STAN
GET DOWN SPARKY! DOWN!

CARTMAN
Stan forgot to mention that his dog
is a gay homosexual.

KID
Make him stop!!

Finally, Rex runs away, yelping with his tail between his
legs. All the other children start to laugh.

KID #2
Ha, ha! I'm sure glad MY dog isn't
gay!

KID #3
Yeah, maybe you should name your dog
SparkETTE Stan!

KID #2
Gay dog!

Stan looks at Sparky and sulks.

INT. CLASSROOM

Cartman is at the head of the class, giving what appears to
be a book report.

CARTMAN
And so you see, Simon and Simon were
not brothers in real life, only on
television.

MR. GARRISON
Thank you for that presentation,
Eric, but the assignment was on Asian
cultures. You get a D-.

CARTMAN
Aw, Dammit!

MR. GARRISON
Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?

MR. HAT
Well how about Stan, our little South
Park quarterback star?

MR. GARRISON
Oh, good idea. Okay, Stanly, you're
next.

Stan gets up.

STAN
Umm... I'm not really prepared either.

MR. GARRISON
Well, just make something up like
Eric did.

STAN
Okay... Uh... Asian culture has...
plagued our fragile Earth for many
years. We must end it --

MR. GARRISON
Excellent! A-.

CARTMAN
AY!

STAN
Wow, cool!

CARTMAN
Wait a minute! Why the hell does he
get an A-?!

MR. GARRISON
Eric, Stanly just might lead our
team to victory against the Middle
Park Cowboys for the first time in
decades, and we treat star athletes
better, because they're better people.

CARTMAN
That's not fair!

MR. HAT
Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to
it.

CARTMAN
(To himself)
Stupid puppet.

The school bell rings. The kids all start to get up.

MR. GARRISON (CONT'D)
Don't forget your assignments tonight,
children. They're due tomorrow for
everybody but Stan.

The kids all walk out, but Stan stays behind and walks up to
Garrison's desk.

STAN
Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a
question?

MR. GARRISON
Of course Stanly, what is it?

STAN
What's a... homosexual?

Mr. Garrison's eyes get a little wide, he takes a deep breath.

MR. GARRISON
Oh... Well, Stanly, I guess you came
to the right person... Sit down.

Stan sits down, Mr. Garrison folds his hands.

MR. GARRISON
(Soft and calm)
Stanly... Gay people... Well, gay
people are evil. Evil right down to
their cold black hearts, which pump
not blood like yours and mine, but
rather a thick, vomitus oil that
oozes through their rotten veins and
clots in their pea sized brains which
becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque
patterns of violent behavior. Do you
understand?

STAN
I guess.

MR. GARRISON
Good, I'm glad we could have this
little talk, Stanly. Now you go
outside and practice football like a
good little heterosexual.

Stan blinks.

EXT. BUSSTOP

The boys get off the bus and head home.

CARTMAN
You see me block that defense today?
I was kicking ass.

KYLE
You're gonna need to kick more ass
than that to beat the Cowboys.

CARTMAN
Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here
comes Stan's little homo dog.

STAN
Shut up, dude!

Sparky walks up wearing a pink scarf.

STAN
Sparky! Where'd you get that pink
scarf?!

Sparky wags his tail. Stan grabs the scarf, pulls it off and
tosses it away. Sparky barks extremely gayly.

SPARKY
(Feminine)
Bark, bark.

CARTMAN
Man, that is the gayest dog I have
ever seen.

STAN
He just needs some training, that's
all... Sit Sparky!

Sparky sits.

STAN
Good boy... Now, Shake...

Sparky gives Stan his paw.

STAN
Good boy... Now, DON'T BE GAY.

Sparky cocks his head to one side. Stan holds out a doggie
snack.

STAN
DON'T BE GAY, Spark. DON'T BE GAY.

Sparky frowns.

KYLE
Did it work?

STAN
I dunno.

CARTMAN
He still looks pretty gay to me.

Some of the other kids walk by.

KID
Hey Stan, your dog been to any pride
marches lately?

KID 2
Yeah, maybe you should take him to a
Barbara Streisand concert.

KID
Ha Ha Yea.

KID 2
Stupid little gay dog.

KID
Gay dog.

The mean kids walk away. Stan fumes.

STAN
Come on you guys, I have an idea!

EXT. SMALL WOODEN BUILDING

Jimbo and Ned walk up to the humble, small building and open
the door.

INT. SPORTS BAR

The interior is ridiculously huge. Like the sports book at
Ceasars Palace.

Ned and Jimbo walk up to the booking counter.

JIMBO
I want five hundred dollars on the
South Park Cows!

BOOKIE
Are you crazy?

JIMBO
No siree, I'm telling you I got the
line. My nephew Stan is the best
quarterback the school has ever seen.
I GUARANTEE they'll beat the spread!!

Suddenly, all the South Park residents go crazy placing bets
at the counter.

TOWNSPERSON 1
I'm gonna put all my money on the
Cows!

TOWNSPERSON 2
I'll put three hundred on the cows
if they guarantee it.

TOWNSPERSON 3
Hey I wanna put some money on the
cows too!

TOWNSPERSON 1
He guarantees it?

JIMBO
Uh -- Woa... Woa... Don't get TOO
carried away, now... I...

The place is an absolute frenzy, everyone in South Park is
betting their life savings.

TOWNSPERSON 3
You better be right about this, Jimbo.

JIMBO
(A little uneasy)
Huh, huh... yea, don't, don't worry
yourself.

NED
Are you sure Stan is that good?

JIMBO
(Quietly)
Not THAT sure... I think we better
come up with a back up plan... Uh
let's see. Hey Bookie, what's the
half time show gonna be?

BOOKIE
You haven't heard? John Stamos' older
brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing
'Loving You'.

NED
I love that song.

JIMBO
Loving You?? THAT'S PERFECT!!! Come
on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a
halftime show they'll never forget!

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1

EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

The boys and Sparky are standing next to a very large box.

STAN
Okay, Sparky, we got you a present.
Now, why don't.... Dammit Sparky,
where do you keep getting this thing?!

Stan pulls the pink bandana off of Sparky and again tosses
it away.

STAN
NO PINK BANDANA, SPARKY! BAD DOG!!

Sparky turns his head.

STAN
Now pay attention, Sparky...

Stan opens the box, and out walks a gorgeous white poodle,
with pink ribbons in her ears and a sparkling diamond collar.

STAN
This is Fifi.

Fifi struts around and shakes her rump.

KYLE
Ooh la la!

Sparky actually starts to look interested! Fifi walks in
front of him and Sparky slowly starts to follow her!

CARTMAN
There he goes!

STAN
Atta boy, Spark! Get her!

Sparky hops up on top of Fifi --

STAN
YES!!

-- Sparky grabs Fifi's diamond collar with his teeth, rips
it off, and throws it over his own head.

Stan looks incredibly disappointed as Sparky struts around
with his new jewelry.

STAN
AW CRAP!! Now what do I do?!

KYLE
Who cares if your dog is gay. Maybe
it's not that bad.

CARTMAN
No way, dude! My mom says God hates
gay people... That's why He smote
the sodomies in France.

KENNY
Mph rmphrm rmph rmph.

STAN
I know, Mr. Garrison said that
homosexuals are evil... But, but
Sparky doesn't seem evil.

KYLE
Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong.
You should ask somebody else.

STAN
Like who?

INT. TELEVISION

NARRATOR
And now back to Jesus and Pals on
South Park public access.

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY

Jesus sits at a desk with his hands folded.

JESUS
Yea, many of you are seeking answers.
And I am the way for you my children.
Let's open the phone lines back up
for some questions.

Jesus hits a button on the desk.

JESUS
Hello caller, you're on the air.

MAN
Yeah, is this Jesus?

JESUS
Yes my son.

MAN
This... this is Robert from Torrey
Pines. I called last week asking for
advice on my Ex-wife.

JESUS
Of course, Robert, how are things
now?

MAN
Everything's much better, Jesus, she
hasn't mouthed off since. I just
wanted to thank you for the advice.
Oh, and for dying for my sins, too.
That was really nice of you.

JESUS
Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller,
you're on the air.

STAN
Uh, hi, Jesus? I have a dog... And
he's... Uh... He's a homosexual.

JESUS
My son, a lot of people have wondered
what my stance on homosexuality is.
So I'd like to state once and for
all my true opinion. You see --

Suddenly, the image is replaced by a card that reads 'South
Park Public Access'.

NARRATOR
That's all the time we have left for
Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for
Marty's Movie Reviews!

INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Stan angrily hangs up the phone.

STAN
DAMMIT!

KYLE
What'd he say?

STAN
I got cut off for Marty's stupid
Movie Reviews!

CARTMAN
Oh Marty's Movie reviews are on?!
Kick ass!!

Cartman leaves.

STAN
ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CAN HELP
ME?!?! ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CARES?!

KYLE
Come on, dude, we have to get to
practice.

STAN
NO IT'S NOT OKAY!! I DON'T WANT A
GAY DOG!!!

EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Sparky is standing in his little fenced yard. He looks up at
an open window in the house where he can hear Stan clearly.

STAN
I WANT A BUTCH DOG!! I WANT A RIN
TIN TIN!!

Sparky lowers his head sadly. He turns, digs a quick little
hole under the fence, and walks away.

Sparky looks back only once, then makes his way out into the
great unknown.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

CHEF
Now children, we've got to handle
the ball better.

The boys are all standing there holding footballs.

CHEF
You've got to hold your football
like you would hold your lover.

The boys just stand there.

CHEF
Gently, yet firmly.

The boys blink. Funky music kicks in.

CHEF
You want to be both nurturing and
clinging at the same time... Oh
yeah... just like making sweet love
to the football... Be naughty with
the football --

CHEF
(singing)
Spank it, ever so gently. Just..

KYLE
Ah chef,

CHEF
Spank it! Spank it!

KYLE
CHEF!!!

CHEF
Spank the football, Spank it.

KYLE
CHEF!!!!!

The music stops.

CHEF
Huh? Oh... Sorry, children... Let's
run some plays.

The kids head for the field.

PIP
Ah, Mr. Chef, sir?

CHEF
No, Pip we still don't have a helmet
for you.

PIP
Right-o... But how about I'll use a
helmet today, and one of the other
children goes without.

CHEF
That wouldn't be very fair to the
other children now would it.

PIP
Um, no... I guess not.

EXT. BOMBSMITHS

A small wooden building with a sign that reads 'Carl's' and
under that 'Bombs, Explosives, and Accessories'.

INT. BOMBSMITHS

Jimbo and Ned are sitting at a small table looking at a small
bomb.

JIMBO
What we want to do, Carl, is put a
trigger on that bomb that makes it
go off at a specific moment during
halftime.

CARL
And what moment would that be?

JIMBO
Well, John Stomos' older brother is
all set to sing 'Loving You' during
halftime. We want that bomb to go
off when he hits that high F.

CARL
What high F?

JIMBO
You know --

(SINGING)
Loving you, is easy 'cause you're
beautiful... Doot'n Doot'n Doo Doo
AAAAHHH!!!

CARL
So you want it to trigger on the
Doot'n Doo?

JIMBO
No damnit the AAAHHHH!!

CARL
(Hitting wrong note)
Aaahhhh?

NED
Ahhhhhh

JIMBO
AHHHHHH!

CARL
Ahhhhh

JIMBO
Doot'n doot'n doo doo. Ahhh

NED
Doot'n doot'n doo doo.

JIMBO
You got it.

CARL
Doot'n doot'n doo doo. Ahhhhh, Uh
yea okay.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Practice is over. The boys are taking off their uniforms.

CHEF
What's the matter, Stan? You seem
down.

STAN
I just can't concentrate, 'cause my
dog is gay.

CHEF
Well, you know what they say; you
can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.

MR. GARRISON
Oh, stop filling his head with that
queer loving propaganda.

CHEF
Say what? You of all people should
be sympathetic.

MR. GARRISON
What do you mean?

CHEF
Well you're gay aren't you?

MR. GARRISON
WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?! I am not gay!

CHEF
Well you sure do act like it.

MR. GARRISON
I just act that way to get chicks,
dumbass.

Chef blinks.

KYLE
What's the matter, dude?

STAN
I don't know where Sparky is. He
usually follows me to football
practice.

CARTMAN
Maybe he went shopping for some
leather pants.

Stan slugs Cartman in the head.

CARTMAN
OW!!

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF SOUTHPARK

All alone in a vast blizzard, Sparky trudges on. He walks
slowly and sadly.

He turns his head one way, and then another, uncertain where
to go.

Finally, he spots a large structure and walks towards it.

The sign slowly becomes visible. It reads "Big Gay Al's".

EXT. BIG AL'S

Sparky walks up to large wooden doors, from where a large
gay man emerges.

BIG GAY AL
Hello there, little pup. I'm Big Gay
Al.

Sparky looks around.

BIG GAY AL
Have you been outcast?

Sparky gives a little nod.

BIG GAY AL
Well then I'm so glad you found my
big gay animal sanctuary. We're all
big gay friends here. Would you like
to live with us?

Sparky seems to smile.

BIG GAY AL
Come on in, little fellow. Nobody
will ever oppress you here...

Sparky Follows Big Gay Al into the large wooden doors.

EXT. BUSSTOP - THE NEXT DAY

Stan walks up to the other boys.

STAN
Have you guys seen Sparky? He still
hasn't come back.

KYLE
Wow, it's been like two days.

STAN
I think he might have run away.

CARTMAN
Did you check the shopping mall?

Stan slugs Cartman in the head.

CARTMAN
OW!

KYLE
Well, we'll help you look for him
after the game.

STAN
I'm not playing.

KYLE
You what?

STAN
I'm not playing in that stupid game.
I have to find my dog.

Stan walks away.

EXT. MIDDLE PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Middle Park is a much nicer, larger school.

Jimbo and Ned quietly tiptoe around the exterior of the
school. Ned is carrying the bomb.

JIMBO
Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.

NED
Okay.

They walk up to a little fenced-in horse. A sign above it
reads 'Middle Park Cowboys Mascot - "Enrique"'.

JIMBO
Hello there, Enrique.

NED
What are we doing here?

JIMBO
Well, Ned, we always kidnap middle
park's mascot... But THIS year we're
gonna booby trap it instead!

Jimbo attaches the bomb to the horse.

JIMBO
And when John Stamos older brother
hits that high F in 'Loving You'
BOOM!! No more middle park players!!

Jimbo and Ned laugh. The horse looks extremely worried.

JIMBO
God damn I love football!

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK

Stan walks along looking for Sparky.

STAN
Sparky! Where are you??!!

Stan stops and looks around.

STAN
Where could he be?!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - FIGHT

Now a large crowd has gathered at the football field. The
Middle Park Cowboys, looking sharp in silver and blue uniforms
warm up for the game by doing stretches.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond
at South Park public radio AM 900,
welcome to tonight's match up between
the Middle Park Cowboys and the South
Park Cows. Well, looks like Chef,
the South Park Cows' coach is a little
nervous... This is probably because
his star quarterback has yet to show
up.

CHEF
(nervously checking
his watch)
Come on, Stan...

PIP
Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't
show up, can I use his helmet?

CHEF
No, Pip, I'm sorry.

EXT. SOUTH PARK

Stan looks tired and beaten as he walks through the frozen
tundra of South Park.

STAN
Sparky?! SPAAAARKY?!

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - FIGHT

REFEREE
PLAY BALL!!

CHEF
You're gonna have to quaterback,
Kyle.

KYLE
But I never practiced quarterback.

CHEF
Well it's a little late for that
bullcrap now.

The ref blows his whistle and the kids head for the field.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Filling in for quarterback is number
12, Kyle Broslofski.

The townspeople all MOAN and GASP.

MR. GARRISON
Hey, hey, where's little Stanly?

MR. HAT
Yeah, why the hell is that little
Jewish kid playing quarterback?!

Jimbo and Ned look at each other worriedly.

JIMBO
Ned! Look!

Jimbo points to the Middle Park sidelines, where Enrique is
just barely visible in a little cage. Strapped around
Enrique's torso, is the large, obvious bomb.

JIMBO
They've got Enrique on their
sidelines! And it looks like that
bomb is still attached!

NED
Yea!

Jimbo and Ned rejoice.

EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

Stan walks up upon the HUGE compound on the outskirts of
town. A large man with a pencil mustache comes out of the
front gate.

BIG GAY AL
Hi, little fella, how are you doing
today?

STAN
Fine, how are you?

BIG GAY AL
I'm super, thanks for asking!

STAN
My gay dog ran away and I was
wondering if maybe he came here.

BIG GAY AL
Well... Let's see. Come on in!

Big Gay Al whisks Stan inside the compound.

EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

A huge outdoor compound with swimming pools and volleyball
sandpits and every animal imaginable.

STAN
Do you have lots of gay dogs here?

BIG GAY AL
We have all sorts of gay animals
here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we
have a gay lion --

A big GAY LION lounges in the corner.

GAY LION
Roar.

BIG GAY AL
And we have gay water buffalo, gay
hummingbirds -- here's a gaggle of
gay gooses.

A bunch of gooses walk by wing in wing and blow a kiss to
Al.

BIG GAY AL
Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!

STAN
Wow, it seems like the animals here
are really happy.

BIG GAY AL
Of course they are silly buns! It's
the one place where gay animals can
really be themselves. Do you like to
dance?

Big Gay Al hits a switch on the wall and raging TECHNO music
kicks in. All the animals start to gyrate.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

The South Park team is in a huddle.

KYLE
Cartman you hike me the ball. Then
somebody run and I'll throw it or
something. Ready...

PLAYERS
BREAK!

The kids step up to the line of scrimmage and look over the
ominous Middle Park players.

MIDDLE PARK PLAYER
You guys are toast.

MIDDLE PARK PLAYER #2
Yeah! We're gonna pound your heads
in!

CARTMAN
We'll just see about that!

Kyle gets behind Cartman, Cartman gets ready to hike the
ball.

KYLE
Set... Set...

Cartman farts.

KYLE
DAMMIT CARTMAN!!

Suddenly Kyle backs off.

CHEF
(Shouting)
What's the matter?!

KYLE
Cartman farted!

CARTMAN
No I didn't! That was just my shoes.

Chef rolls his eyes.

CHEF
Come on, Kyle, we'll get a delay of
game penalty!

KYLE
No way, dude!

CHEF
HIKE THE BALL!!

KYLE
Oh, dude, weak.

Kyle lifts his jersey up over his nose and gets back behind
Cartman.

CARTMAN
That's right you get back there now.

KYLE
HIKE!

The ball snaps.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
The ball is snapped... Middle Park
Blitzes!!

The Middle Park kids charge Kyle and pound the shit out of
him.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
FUMBLE!! Middle Park gets the ball...
They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN!! The
score is seven -- nothing Middle
Park with 14:57 remaining in the
first quarter.

In the stands, Ned and Jimbo look at each other with concern.

JIMBO
Hell's bells.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
I haven't seen a beating like that
since Rodney King.

Sportscaster Phil quickly covers the microphone.

SPORTSCASTER PHIL
Now Frank, that's not very P.C. you're
gonna get in trouble again!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Right, right, I gotta watch that...

TOWNSPERSON
If we lose our money 'cause of your
nephew, we're gonna hang you up to
dry, Jimbo!

JIMBO
Don't ya'll worry... You just wait
'til halftime!

INT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

The animals continue to dance. Stan dances techno with them,
when suddenly he spots something.

STAN
SPARKY!!

SPARKY
Bark.

Sparky walks over with his pink bandana, happy to see Stan.

STAN
Hiya Sparky, how's it going?

SPARKY
Bark.

STAN
I missed you, old pal, you really
had me scared.

SPARKY
Bark.

STAN
Come on, let's go home, I can still
make it in time for the game.

Sparky starts to follow Stan out.

STAN
We can work on making you not gay
together.

Sparky stops in his tracks. Stan turns back around, puzzled.

STAN
Sparky?

Just then, Big Gay Al walks up behind Stan.

BIG GAY AL
Young man it appears you still don't
understand.

STAN
What don't I understand?

BIG GAY AL
Come this way, I have to show you
something.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

ANNOUNCER
With just over a minute to go in the
half, the score is Middle Park Cowboys
52, South Park cows 0.

Kyle again hikes the ball, he hands off to Pip, whose head
is a bloody, dirty mass. Pip charges the line of scrimmage
and is immediately pummeled.

One of the Cowboys scoops up the ball and runs it in for a
touchdown.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
I haven't seen an Englishman take a
blow like that since Hugh Grant.

SPORTSCASTER PHIL
(Covering the mic)
Dude! Now that is NOT COOL!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Sorry, sorry.

INT. BIG GAY AL'S

Stan follows Big Gay Al through a large Corridor.

BIG GAY AL
Okay Stan, I think you should get in
line for my big gay boat ride.

Big Gay Al points to a Disneyland-esque ride with 'Big Gay
Al's Big Gay Boat Adventure' sign above it.

Little wooden boats travel along a man-made canal, similar
to the Jungle Cruise.

About four people are standing in line.

BIG GAY AL
Step aboard, Stanly.

Stan and Big Gay Al get on one of the little boats, which
heads down the canal. Big Gay Al picks up a microphone at
the front of the boat.

BIG GAY AL
Hello everyone, and welcome aboard
the big gay boat ride. On this
adventure, we'll be seeing the world
of gayness throughout time.

Stan blinks.

INT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

The Cowboys kick off the ball to the Cows.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
And the South Park Cows are set to
receive... There's the kick... It's
taken by number 23, Kenny McKormik.

Kenny grabs the ball and runs down the field. He actually
manages to dodge some tacklers!

He runs faster and faster! He just might make a good play!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
He's at the 50! The 40! The 30!

Suddenly, two Middle Park players tackle Kenny, violently
ripping off one of his arms. Kenny starts bleeding profusely,
then gets his head ripped off by another Cowboy player.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
The little running back is DOWN! I
think he's... Yes he's been
decapitated!

KYLE
OH MY GOD! THEY'VE KILLED KENNY! YOU
BASTARDS!!

SPORTSCASTER PHIL
That's gotta hurt, Frank!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Ouch-a-roo!

CHEF
Hey, come on, that was roughing!!
...At least let us scrape him off
the field!!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Looks like the South Park Cows aren't
even going to beat the 72 point
spread, not by a long shot.

INT. BIG GAY AL'S

BIG GAY AL
You see, Gayness has existed since
the beginning of time...

The boat passes little animatronic cave men. Two of the cave
men are holding hands.

BIG GAY AL
From the Egyptian Pharaohs...

The boat passes two gay Egyptian men.

BIG GAY AL
To the Shoguns of Japan...

Two Shoguns in a techno dance club.

BIG GAY AL
Oh, oh! Look out! It's the oppressors!
Christians and Republicans and Nazis
OH MY!

Three lame animatronics dressed respectively as a Christian,
a Republican and a Nazi, beat an innocent homosexual with a
pipe.

Just like the jungle cruise, Big gay Al takes out a fake
pistol and fires blanks at the animatronics.

BIG GAY AL
Hoo! Oh gosh That was close! Okay
let's steer our big gay boat out of
here, and into a place where gays
are allowed to live freely...

The boat passes through to large doors, which open into a
HUGE, colorful, festive room where tons of animatronics dance
and sing merrily.

SONG
We're all gay and it's okay! 'Cause
gay means happy and happy means gay!
We're not sad anymore 'cause we're
out the closet door! It's OKAY to be
GAY!!

Stan looks around in disbelief. All the gay things dance,
sing and do silly things.

SONG
It's okay to be Gay! it's okay to be
Gay! La La La La La...

BIG GAY AL
So what do you think, Stan?

STAN
This kicks ass!

Stan looks down at Sparky.

STAN
I'm sorry I tried to change you,
Spark. I just didn't understand.

Sparky barks and pants happily. Stan pets him on the head.

BIG GAY AL
Isn't this precious?

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - HALFTIME - NIGHT

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
And now here to sing the touching
song 'Loving You' is the one and
only... John Stamos' brother!!!

The crowd let's out a small smattering of applause. Music
begins.

Jimbo and Ned give each other knowing glances and then look
over at the Middle Park sidelines.

ANGLE - SIDELINES

Enrique is absolutely horrified, waiting to explode in the
midst of the Middle Park players.

RESUME - FOOTBALL FIELD

Patrick Stamos steps up to the mic and starts to sing.

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
Loving you... Is easy 'cause you're
beautiful...

ANGLE - JIMBO AND NED ANGLE - ENRIQUE RESUME - FOOTBALL FIELD

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
Do du doot'n da doo...

And then the big note is about to come...

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
(Low register)
Ahhha.....Ahhhh.......Ahhhhh.

Jimbo and Ned look shocked.

JIMBO
What the hell?! He didn't sing the
high F!!!

MR. GARRISON
Richard Stamos can't sing a high F.
He always screws it up like this.

Jimbo and Ned look absolutely defeated.

JIMBO
Ned... We're gonna get our asses
kicked.

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
Loving you...

MR. GARRISON
(heckling)
It's obvious where all the talent in
THAT family went!

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
Doot'n doot'n doo doo...

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3

EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

Stan, Sparky and Big Gay Al stand outside the Animal
Sanctuary.

STAN
Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!

SPARKY
Bark!!

BIG GAY AL
No problem kids! Are you sure you
don't wanna stay for some toasted
cheese sandwiches?

STAN
No thanks, I've gota get back for
the big football game. Come on boy!

Stan and Sparky run off.

BIG GAY AL
Oh Stan --

Stan turns around.

BIG GAY AL
When you get back to town... Tell
them about us, will you? Tell them
there are gay animals here who need
homes desperately.

STAN
I will Big Gay Al, I will.

Stan waves goodbye and runs off. Big Gay Al watches Stan go
fondly, and then suddenly panics.

BIG GAY AL
Ooh, my carrot cake!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

The little football clad kids crash violently into each other.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
And these South Park cows are being
absolutely MOLESTED by Middle Park.
I haven't seen so many children
molested since --

In the stands, the townspeople are just sitting there, bored
and disheartened.

MR. GARRISON
I thought you said beating the spread
was a sure thing, Jimbo!

MR. HAT
Yeah, we all put our lives' savings
in this game!

TOWNSPERSON 1
You're a DEAD MAN, Jimbo!!

Jimbo shrinks in his seat as all the townspeople start YELLING
at him and throwing their food at him.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Well, this should just about wrap it
up for -- Wait a minute, what's this?

Suddenly, Stan and Sparky come running over the hill. The
townspeople all CHEER!!

SPORTSCASTER PHIL
It's Stan, the South Park star
quarterback!!

CHEF
Where the hell of you been, Stan?

STAN
I've been getting my best friend
back.

Sparky pants happily.

CHEF
Just get in there, boy!

Chef throws a helmet on Stan's head and pats his ass toward
the playing field.

JIMBO
Give 'em hell, Stanly!!

Stan walks up to the line of scrimmage.

JIMBO
(Praying)
Jesus... Now I haven't asked you for
much... But all we need is one little
score. PLEASE? PLEASE Jesus??

Pull back to reveal that Jesus is sitting next to him in the
stands.

JESUS
Leave me alone.

STAN
HIKE!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Stan hikes the ball... He steps back
to pass!!

KYLE
Hey Stan! I'm open I think!!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
And he throws it to Kyle, the little
Jewish kid!

Kyle catches the ball and runs down the field.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like
that since Poland, 1938!

SPORTSCASTER PHIL
DUDE!!

Kyle runs into the end zone and falls down.

SPORTSCASTER PHIL
TOUCHDOWN!!!!!

The crowd goes wild.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
The clock runs out! And the Final
score is Middle Park Cowboys 73,
South Park cows six! South Park beats
the spread.

Everybody cheers and hugs. The South Park Cows all converge
on Stan and rejoice.

Stan is heroically hoisted onto a small stage, where everybody
is gathered around.

TOWNSPERSON
Speech!

Sportscaster Frank steps up and shoves a microphone in front
of Stan.

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Stan, what do you want to tell the
world about this stunning almost
victory?

STAN
Uh... It... It's really cool that we
beat the spread against the Cowboys.

The townspeople all cheer.

STAN
And... And maybe we can beat 'em
even more next year!

The townspeople all cheer.

STAN
And it's okay to be gay!

The townspeople all get incredibly quiet.

JIMBO
What?!

STAN
Being gay is just a part of nature,
and a beautiful thing!

MR. GARRISON
What the hell is he talking about?!

SPORTSCASTER FRANK
Uh... Stanly you arrived very late
in the game, where were you that
whole time?

STAN
I was with my new friend Big Gay Al.
He showed me his Big Gay Animal
Sanctuary and took me on a Big Gay
Boat ride where I learned all about
the wonders of gayety.

The townspeople all look at each other and blink.

STAN
It's true, I'll show you.

EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY

Nestled between the two mountain peaks are... Nothing. No
Big Gay Al's... Nothing.

STAN
But it was here... It was all right
here. There was a techno dance club...

CARTMAN
Stan, you need to lay off the cough
syrup, alright, seriously I'm worried
about you man.

TOWNSPERSON
OLIVER!!

A townsperson runs over to where all the gay animals are
standing and picks up a cat.

TOWNSPERSON
I thought you ran away all those
months ago!

Now other townspeople walk toward the gay animals and start
to reunite.

TOWNSPERSON 2
SIDNEY!!

TOWNSPERSON 3
WHINNY!!

TOWNSPERSON 4
CARLOS!!

The townspeople all rejoice with their gay animals, leaving
Stan all alone.

BIG GAY AL
I want to thank you for bringing
everybody here.

Big Gay Al is standing there with a small suitcase, which he
sets on the ground and opens.

STAN
Oh, there you are, dude. How's it
going?

BIG GAY AL
I'm super, thanks for asking. It
looks like now my work here is done.

Big Gay Al steps into his suit case, and presses a large
blue button.

BIG GAY AL
Goodbye, Stanly, peace be with you.

The suitcase closes with Big Gay Al inside, then powers up
and shoots up into the sky to outer-space.

STAN
Wow...

Stan watches as the little suitcase ship becomes just another
twinkling star.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #4

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS!! I CAN DO IT!!

Everybody looks at Patrick Stamos.

MR. GARRISON
Do what?

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
(Singing)
Loving you... Is easy 'cause you're
beautiful. Doot'n Doot'n...

Enrique looks absolutely horrified. Jimbo and Ned look even
more horrified.

JIMBO
NO!!!

JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER
Doo Doo! AABOOOOMMM!!

THE END

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