"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

South Park

Episode 103

"VOLCANO"

By

Matt Stone & Trey Parker



EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

Cartman is standing outside by his mother with a bag of
camping gear at his side.

CARTMAN'S MOM
Now you be careful, Eric. The woods
can be very dangerous.

CARTMAN
Okay, mom.

A large truck pulls up, driven by Uncle Jimbo in hunting
clothes. Ned is in the passenger seat, and Stan, Kyle and
Kenny are in the back seat.

KYLE
Ready to go hunting, Cartman?

STAN
Yeah, my uncle Jimbo says we got to
get up there early! Right, Uncle
Jimbo?

JIMBO
That's right, Stanley, animals are
much easier to shoot in the morning!

CARTMAN'S MOM
Here, hon, I packed you some cheesy
poofs and Happy Tarts.

She hands him a brown bag. Cartman gets in the back seat
with the other boys.

JIMBO
Don't worry, Ms. Cartman, we'll take
good care of him. I brought my old
war buddy Ned to keep things safe.

NED
Hello Mrs. Cartman, how are you today?

Ned waves from the passenger seat. He only has one arm. Jimbo
and Ned exchange knowing glances. Cartman gets in the back
seat with the other boys.

CARTMAN'S MOM
Be sure to use lots of bug spray.
And if you have to poo-poo, don't
wipe with poison ivy.

The boys all laugh at Cartman.

CARTMAN
Dude, that's SICK, mom!

CARTMAN'S MOM
And I know it can get scary up in
those woods... But just remember
mommy's not far away.

The boys all laugh again.

CARTMAN
(To Uncle Jimbo)
Drive! Drive!

CARTMAN'S MOM
You give your mommy a kissy.

CARTMAN
Drive the car damnit drive.

Jimbo drives away.

INT. CAR - DAY

Cartman looks back to watch his mom waving goodbye.

KYLE
(Ms. Cartman's voice)
Don't get scared up in the mountains,
Cartman.

CARTMAN
Shut up! I'm not scared of nothing!

STAN
Maybe your mom can give me a kiss
too Cartman.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph mphr!

Jimbo Laughs.

JIMBO
Ho Ho, that's disgusting!

CARTMAN
You piece of crap! I'll kill you!

Cartman slugs Kenny. The two boys fight in the back seat.

JIMBO
That's the spirit, boys! Let's get
that testosterone flowing!!

Cartman and Kenny pound the shit out of each other.

JIMBO
Now boys, boys, I need to get serious
for a minute. I want you to understand
a few basic rules of hunting since
this is your first time.

The boys listen attentively.

JIMBO
First of all, don't ever walk with
your gun unless the safety's on.
Second, don't shoot anything that
looks human, and third never spill
your beer in the bullet chamber.

STAN
Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.

JIMBO
You what?

NED
Oh yeah, that's right, I don't think
8 year old kids drink beer.

KYLE
I like chocolate milk!

JIMBO
Well, we'll be doing plenty of
drinking on this trip. After all,
hunting sober is like fishing sober.
It sure will be nice to get out of
the city for a while. Away from
civilization.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY

The car drives out of the town, and up a little road that
goes up a mountain. The trip is ridiculously short.

EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS, JUST OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK - DAY

JIMBO
Well, here we are!

Ned's truck comes to a stop in a large clearing amidst a big
forest of pine trees.

Ned and Jimbo and the four kids pile out of the car.

JIMBO
Okay, each of you young'ins take a
gun, a beer and some smokes.

The kids divide up the supplies.

CARTMAN
Hey, I didn't get a gun!

Jimbo hands Cartman an Ak-47.

CARTMAN
Sweet. This is like the gun I used
in Nam.

STAN
You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman!

NED
Were you stationed in DaNang?

STAN
Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned.
You can't believe anything he says.

CARTMAN
Hey! I'll blow your friggin' head
off!

Cartman points his gun at Stan.

JIMBO
Hey, look out son, that's dangerous!
You're gonna spill your beer!

EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS, JUST OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK - DAY

The boys follow Jimbo and Ned, each holding rifles that are
WAY to big for them, a can of beer and a cigarette.

STAN
My Uncle Jimbo says that after this,
he's gonna take me hunting in Africa!

KYLE
Wow, that'd be cool!

CARTMAN
My mom says there's a lot of black
people in Africa.

JIMBO
Boys! Lookie there!

A cute, fuzzy little black bear sits in a nearby clearing,
licking its paws.

JIMBO
That there's a Rocky Mountain Black
Bear. One of the few remaining of
its kind. Isn't it beautiful?

The bear just sits there and blinks.

JIMBO
My God it's coming right for us!!!

Jimbo whips out his huge rifle and shoots the bear dead.

Stan can't believe his eyes.

STAN
Hey! It wasn't coming right for us!
It was just sitting there!

JIMBO
SHHH! Not so loud!! Now that there's
just a technicality.

KYLE
What d'ya mean?

JIMBO
You see boys, the Democrats have
passed a lot of laws trying to stop
us from hunting.

CARTMAN
Democrats piss me off!

JIMBO
They say we can't shoot certain
animals anymore unless they're posing
an immediate threat. Therefore, before
we shoot something, we have to say;
"It's coming right for us!"

STAN
Wow, you're smart, Uncle Jimbo!

NED
(pointing)
Jimbo LOOK!

A beautiful little doe comes over the hill.

JIMBO
Oh, it's a deer. Looks like about a
46 gauge, Ned.

Ned pulls out a HUGE bazooka and hands it to Jimbo like a
golf caddy. Jimbo props the bazooka on his shoulder. The
boys and Ned jump on the ground commando style.

JIMBO
IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!!!

The beautiful little doe looks on peacefully right where she
is.

BOOM!!! Jimbo fires the bazooka at the doe and totally
obliterates it into a million bloody little pieces.

CARTMAN
Kick ass!

But Stan looks sad.

JIMBO
Did ya see that? I was imperiled by
that ferocious charging buck!

NED
Rabbit, rabbit five o'clock!!!

Over the ridge is a little bunny rabbit.

JIMBO
Let's move! MOVE!!!

Jimbo hits the ground and starts crawling on his belly. All
the boys follow suit.

STAN
Is this hunting?

KYLE
I guess so.

The group crawls onward, holding their guns out in front of
them.

CARTMAN
Oh, dude... I'm starting to have
flashbacks!

KYLE
What?

CARTMAN
Danforth! Pull up flank, look out
for Charlies up in the trees!

The group scampers up to the top of ridge. Ned hands Stan a
big-ass double-barrel shotgun.

JIMBO
This one's yours, Stan!

Stan uncomfortably takes the gun, hitches it up on his
shoulders and looks over the barrel. The little cute bunny
looks up, sees Stan and smiles. Stan gulps.

JIMBO
'It's comin' right for us'!

NED
"It's coming right for us"!

Stan takes a deep breath and is about to pull the trigger
when the bunny gives him just the cutest little twitch of
his cute little nose.

KYLE
Shoot it, Stan!

CARTMAN
I got your back, soldier!

Stan looks over the barrel again, takes another deep breath...

STAN
I can't...

Stan lowers the gun. The little rabbit dashes off into the
woods.

JIMBO
What the-- What's wrong with you?!

STAN
I don't wanna shoot the bunny.

JIMBO
(shocked)
What the hell are you talking about,
you don't want to shoot the bunny?
You're babbling, you're not making
any sense! You're hysterical!

STAN
I'm not hysterical. I just don't
want to shoot the bunny.

JIMBO
No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree
hugger!

CARTMAN
Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock
if you can't shoot anything!

STAN
I can shoot you fat ass!

CARTMAN
I can shoot you too.

STAN
I'll kill you!

CARTMAN
I'll fill you full of lead.

Establish shot of volcano rumbling.

KYLE
Hey, what's that????

EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY

Establishing shot of the town. Right next to Tom's Rhinoplasty
is a small brick building with antenna on its roof and a
sign the reads "South Park Center for Seismic Activity."

INT. GEOLOGIST'S OFFICE

A very average looking GEOLOGIST is sitting at the seismograph
and just staring at it.

For a long time he just sits there and stares at the little
needle drawing a straight line.

Suddenly, the needle starts to move! The Geologist perks up
and moves in closer.

GEOLOGIST
What the heck is this?

The needle moves frantically. The Geologist grabs the
telephone and dials a number.

GEOLOGIST
Yeah, Frank? It's uh, Randy. Uh-huh...
Good. Yeah, listen, the, uh, the
little needle's moving.

Pause.

GEOLOGIST
Yeah, it's going back and forth really
fast. What does that mean?

Pause.

GEOLOGIST
Uh-huh... Uh-huh..., let me check...

The Geologist wheels back in his chair and looks at the peak
of Mt. Evanston which is smoking.

GEOLOGIST
Yeah, it's smoking... Uh-huh... Oh
really? Really?

ZOOM IN on the Geologist.

GEOLOGIST
Oh my God...... A volcano!

He drinks some coffee and sighs.

COMMERCIAL BREAK I

ACT II

EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

The boys and Jimbo and Ned sit around a sputtering little
fire trying to cook wienies.

CARTMAN
My wienies won't cook!

NED
This wood won't burn.

Jimbo takes a huge swig of Gin.

JIMBO
Well Ned, looks like we'll have to
use the ol' Indian fire trick.

NED
Yepper!

Ned jumps up and grabs a huge can of gasoline.

Ned douses the fire with gas. The flames explode about 50
feet high! The fire travels into the can of gas and Ned
suddenly catches on fire.

NED
AAAGGGHHH!!!

JIMBO
(Laughing)
HA, HA! HEY, STOP, DROP AND ROLL,
NED!! HA, HA!!

Ned drops the gas can as he drops to the ground. Both the
gas and fire flow underneath Jimbo's van, igniting it into a
blazing inferno.

KABLAM! Jimbo's van explodes in a huge fireball.

STAN & KYLE
Woa!

JIMBO
Godammit Ned, I just got that van!
How the hell are we supposed to get
home?

But Ned is busy rolling around on the ground, trying to stop
himself from burning.

NED
Oh it hurts! It hurts!

Cartman puts his wienie on a stick over Ned's burning body.

CARTMAN
Hey you guys! This works pretty good
right now!

EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING

The sun rises in South Park. Another day has begun.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Chef is sitting in the Mayor's office having a meeting.

CHEF
But you see, Mr. Mayor, you can't
stop serving Salisbury Steak in our
public schools... What's next? Meat
Loaf?

MAYOR
We are quite aware of your concerns,
Chef, but-

A buzzer on the Mayor's desk sounds.

VOICE
Mayor, the Geologist is here to see
you.

MAYOR
My Geologist? Now? Tell him the
infection is fine and I don't need
another check up.

VOICE
No, Mayor, that's a GYNECOLOGIST. A
GEOLOGIST studies the Earth.

The Mayor thinks long and hard.

MAYOR
Don't you think I know that?! How
dare you insult my intellect! I went
to Princeton for God's sake! You get
out of my office!!

VOICE
I'm not in your office Mayor, I'm
talking to you through a speaker.

MAYOR
Just send in the Geomotrist!

VOICE
Geologist.

MAYOR
YOU ARE FIRED BUDDY!

VOICE
Thank you, Mayor. It's been great
working for you.

Suddenly, the Geologist bursts into the room.

GEOLOGIST
Mayor! We have got A VERY BIG PROBLEM!
Mount Evanston is about to erupt!

MAYOR
What does this mean to the town?

The Geologist takes out another chart. It is very simple.

GEOLOGIST
Well this graph shows everything
from normal to bad. Right now, South
Park is here:

He points with the pointer to 'Totally Screwed'. The Mayor
stands up.

MAYOR
My God...

CHEF
Mayor! Some of the school children
are up camping on that mountain RIGHT
NOW!

MAYOR
Oh, oh, this IS Big!
(Through intercom)
Johnson! Johnson are you there?!

VOICE
Uh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor.
I'm his replacement, Ted.

MAYOR
Ted, we have got a MAJOR crisis here!
I want you to get on the phone, and
call Inside Edition, Rescue 911, oh
and Entertainment tonight. And you
better get my stylist on the phone,
too. Don't worry, things are under
control.

Chef and the Geologist blink at each other.

EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

Establishing shot of the moon over the starry, South Park
sky.

EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

The boys listen intently to Jimbo as he finishes his ghost
story.

JIMBO
And then Ned picked up the grenade
and BLOOM!! Blasted his arm clear
off!

The boys all shudder with fear. Ned smiles.

JIMBO
We spent three hours looking for
that damn arm. But it was never to
be found! Some say it's still crawling
around to this day!

Suddenly, Ned grabs Cartman with his prosthetic arm. Cartman
screams in horror.

NED
RAAAAAR!!!

Jimbo, Ned and the boys all laugh.

JIMBO
Ha, ha! Got'chya!

CARTMAN
(Obviously scared)
Huh-huh... That's not scary...

KYLE
You were scared, Cartman! You almost
peed your pants!

CARTMAN
SHUT UP! I DIDN'T PEE MY PANTS!!!!

JIMBO
Hey Ned, hand me that gin.

Ned gladly hands it over.

JIMBO
You boys want to tie one on?

STAN
No, no thanks, that stuff tastes
like pee.

KYLE
Yeah, Cartman's pee.

CARTMAN
Oh, you would taste my pee.

The boys all shake their heads.

JIMBO
What the hell's wrong with you? Can't
you handle a little alcohol?

Kenny grabs another can of gas and starts chugging it.

JIMBO
Christ! Look at the little bastard
go!

Kenny finishes the can.

JIMBO
Now you see that Stan? Now now that
is a dirty little bastard.

STAN
Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too.

Stan slouches his shoulders and sulks.

CARTMAN
Hey you guys... I know a scary story.

KYLE
Shut up, Cartman, you can't scare
anybody.

Cartman takes the flashlight and shines it under his face.

CARTMAN
Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard
of... Scuzzlebutt?

STAN
Whattlebutt?

CARTMAN
Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives
up on this very mountain and kills
anybody who dares climb to the top.

STAN
Why?

CARTMAN
Because it loves the taste of blood!
And likes to add pieces to its
deformed body!

The boys gather in around Cartman, entranced.

KYLE
Deformed how?

CARTMAN
Well, on his left arm, instead of a
hand he has...

STAN
A hook!

KYLE
A knife!

CARTMAN
No!
(Pause)
...A piece of celery.

STAN
Celery?!

CARTMAN
Yes, and he walks with a limp, because
one of his legs is missing... And
where his leg should be, there's
nothing but... PATRICK DUFFY!

The boys look utterly confused.

KYLE
Patrick Duffy?! Dammit, Cartman,
that's not scary!

CARTMAN
What do you mean? Have you ever seen
'Step by Step'?!

The boys all think.

CARTMAN
So he lives alone on this mountain,
and weaves baskets and other assorted
crafts. They say that on quiet nights,
you can hear him weaving his
baskets... Ka shink... Ka-shink...
Ka-shink.

STAN
Cartman, you suck at telling scary
stories!

KYLE
Yeah, gimme that flashlight!

KENNY
Mph rmph rmm rmph!

Suddenly, the ground starts to rumble again. The boys all
look around, scared.

KYLE
What is that?

STAN
(Laughing)
Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to
weave us into wicker baskets!

CARTMAN
(Suddenly scared)
HEY! It might be!!

KYLE
Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with
his celery hand.

Stan and Kyle laugh.

CARTMAN
Screw you guys!

JIMBO
Hey Ned, Why don't you whip out the
old cancer Kazoo, let's do a little
song.

NED
Koom by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Koom
by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Koom by
ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Oh Lord Koom
by ya. Someone's crying my Lord Koom
by ya.

CARTMAN
They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary
huh, Let's see how they like it when
they actually see Scuzzlebutt. I'll
scare the hell out of 'em tomorrow.

NED
Oh Lord Koom by ya. Someone's crying
my Lord Koom by ya......

EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY

Stan is snoozing away in his sleeping bag.

KYLE
Stan! Stan wake up!

STAN
(Groggily)
What, dude?

KYLE
I don't know where Cartman is. I
think something took him away!

STAN
Well, where's my Uncle Jimbo and
Ned?

KYLE
They're out fishing with Kenny.

STAN
(Hurt)
With Kenny? But, but this was supposed
to MY camping trip... Why do they
like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like
me anymore?

KYLE
Well Stan, you want to know what I
think?

STAN
What?

Kyle rips a fart.

EXT. LAKE - DAY

Jimbo, Ned and Kenny are on a little canoe on the lake.

Oddly, they have no fishing poles.

JIMBO
What a beautiful morning for fishing.
There's one!! There's a fish right
there!!

Jimbo pulls the pin out of a grenade and throws it in the
water. BLOOOOMM!!!!! Water explodes, and the dead fish goes
flying into the air.

NED
Got it!!

Kenny grabs a grenade and tosses it toward the shore.

BOOOM!!! A few fish go flying.

JIMBO
Great instincts, boy!

Stan runs up to the shore and calls out to the canoe.

STAN
Uncle Jimbo! Cartman's missing!

JIMBO
Who, the fat kid?

STAN
Yeah.

JIMBO
Oh hell, I guess we better go look
for him. Ned, we gotta cut it short.
Fire up the 12-20.

Ned presses a button on the huge rocket mounted on the side
of the boat.

FWOOM!!

The rocket fires deep into the water, a large surge follows,
and then hundreds of dead fish float to the surface.

JIMBO
Well, I think that's about the limit
for our fishing permit.

Jimbo starts to row ashore.

NED
Man, it smells like dead fish here.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm rmph!

Jimbo and Ned laugh hysterically.

NED
Oh, man! That is NASTY!!

JIMBO
Yeah! I don't think I've ever seen a
kid as cool as you, Kenny. I'm making
you my honorary Nephew!

KENNY
Mrph.

Stan frowns.

COMMERCIAL BREAK II

EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY

The whole city has turned out to see the spectacle of news
crews that has overtaken South Park.

NEWS ANCHOR
The people of South Park are humble
and friendly. But now, a ticking
time bomb of hot lava waits to engulf
these people and end their miserable
lives with one last fleeting moment
of excruciatingly painful, burning
agony.

The camera pans onto the townspeople who all cheer and wave
at the camera happily. All trying to be seen on television.

TOWNSPERSON
Hey, I'm on TV, I'm on TV!!!

NEWS ANCHOR
Mayor, what are you doing to prepare
for this inevitable catastrophe?

MAYOR
All we know right now is that some
of our children are camping on that
mountain, and. I'm sorry can I start
over?

NEWS ANCHOR
Huh?

MAYOR
Well you can edit this, right? Ready?
3,2,1 - "All we know right now is
that some of our children are up
camping on that mountain. We can't
do anything until we get them."

The Mayor stands proudly in front of the townspeople.

MAYOR
Okay people! Let's go get those kids!

The rescue crew, compiled of Chef, Barbrady, Garrison and
several other townspeople, look extremely concerned for their
lives.

CHEF
C'mon everybody, You got to help the
children!

EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

Ned, Jimbo, Stan, Kyle and Kenny traipsing through the
mountains.

JIMBO
Well, he couldn't have gone far...
Unless something drug him off...

Stan and Kyle look at each other.

NED
There's not many animals out today
Jimbo.

JIMBO
Yeah, it's almost like something
funny's going on...

The ground rumbles a little bit.

JIMBO
Christ Ned, what'd you have for
breakfast?

NED
I don't know man, I've got some bad
gas.

JIMBO
Wait, There's a ram! It's coming
right for us!

Jimbo uses an M-16 automatic and blows holes through the ram
like swiss cheese. Kenny stands next to Jimbo and fires some
last remaining shots.

JIMBO
Nice shooting, Kenny! Here, you need
a bigger gun!

Jimbo grabs the large rifle out of Stan's hands, then grabs
the smaller rifle out of Kenny's hands and then switches
them. Stan fumes.

KYLE
Look!

On top of the ridge, they see a strange creature moving. It
has a pot for a head and two huge branches for arms.

CARTMAN
I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the
Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy
leg.

NED
What is it?

KYLE
Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't
lying!

JIMBO
Holy crow! We could make a MINT
killing this thing!!

NED
We'll be on the cover of Guns and
Ammo!

JIMBO
This calls for some HJ-14!

Jimbo reaches into his backpack.

EXT. RIDGE - DAY

Cartman jumps up and down and makes wild noises.

CARTMAN
Huh-huh... Those guys are totally
scared.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Jimbo has two huge rockets strapped onto his shoulders. He
grabs hold of a chord--

JIMBO
Fire in the hole!

ZBAM!! Jimbo pulls the chord and the rockets fire towards
Cartman.

Cartman quickly stops laughing and drops his smile.

CARTMAN
Holy crap!!!

Cartman jumps to the side. The rockets just miss him and
explode into the rocks with an enormous boom.

JIMBO
Dammit, I think I missed!

CARTMAN
What the hell is wrong with you
people?!

JIMBO
Come on, let's move! MOVE!!

Cartman tries to pull his costume off, but it's stuck.

CARTMAN
Hey wait. Arhhhhhhh!!!

The group dashes up the ridge. Cartman yelps and runs away.

EXT. BASE CAMP - DAY

The townspeople have set up a large camp at the base of Mt.
Evanston. Everyone is gathered around the Mayor, ad libbing
shouts and concerns.

MAYOR
(Seeing she's on camera)
Is it on? OK, Okay, people! Form
groups and search the mountain! Report
back here every hour! You got that?

GEOLOGIST
Mayor! I might have an idea!

MAYOR
Oh, what?

The geologist takes out a huge map.

GEOLOGIST
If we can dig a very large trench,
we can divert the lava into a Canyon!
And then it would bypass South Park
pretty much completely!

MAYOR
And... that would be good, right?

GEOLOGIST
I'm pretty sure!

MAYOR
Well what are we waiting for! Okay,
people, change of plans! Half of you
grab shovels!

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Jimbo and the kids traipse through the woods.

JIMBO
These look like his tracks! He must
have gone this way! Ned!

Ned joins Jimbo's side.

JIMBO
Prepare some HK-12 and some
plasticine.

Ned salutes.

JIMBO
I'll bet that sucker's headed for a
higher elevation. The higher up it--
BIRD!!

Jimbo shoots a bird out of the sky.

JIMBO
The higher up it goes, the better it
can breathe.

KYLE
Look up there!

Everybody looks up to where a little figure is standing near
a cave. In the EXTREMELY FAR DISTANCE we can hear a voice.

CARTMAN
(Very faint)
You guys, it's just me.

JIMBO
Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?

STAN
Does it have Patrick Duffy for a
leg?

JIMBO
Well I can't tell. Let's kill it.

CARTMAN
I've got to get out of this stupid
costume.

JIMBO
Kenny, you take the front.

Stan comes to the front with a huge shotgun.

STAN
No, I can do it, Uncle Jimbo. I wanna
bag that animal!

JIMBO
That's the spirit, kiddo! Let's hunt!

Everybody rushes towards Cartman.

CARTMAN
You guys, you guys I was just kidding.

EXT. RESCUE BASE CAMP - DAY

The trench is already huge and deep. Everyone works on it
feverishly when suddenly Officer Barbrady calls everybody
together.

T.V. ANCHOR
As some people of South Park try
desperately to save their mountain
town, others look for the missing
townspeople, but all must take every
precaution necessary.

OFFICER BARBRADY
Okay people, listen up!

Barbrady opens a large white projection screen.

OFFICER BARBRADY
As we near the top of the mountain,
the chances of our encountering some
lava becomes great. Therefore, I
have special ordered this training
film to assist us in volcano safety.
Mr. Garrison, if you would please.

Garrison turns on a rickety old projector. A black and white,
scratched up 50's style film begins.

FILM

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Our 50's style narrator sits at an old oak desk with his
hands folded.

NARRATOR
Harbingers of sorrow, natural
disasters can be the cause of
troubling and undesirable stress;
And a volcano is no exception. But
what should you do if a volcano erupts
near you or your family?

EXT. MEADOW - DAY

A pleasant 50's style family is gathered on a blanket, having
a picnic.

NARRATOR
Here we see the Stevens family
enjoying Sunday picnic. But suddenly,
Daughter hears a noise.

The family all looks around.

NARRATOR
It's a volcano. Junior seems worried.
But have no fear, junior, Jane learned
in school what to do when you hear a
volcano erupt.

Jane takes the picnic blanket and covers the family with it.

NARRATOR
That's right, Jane. Duck and cover.

Lava flows over the family. But as soon as the lava is gone,
the family emerges from underneath the blanket safe and sound.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

Two young boys ride bicycles down the road.

NARRATOR
So what will you do when you hear a
volcano erupting?

The ground shakes, the boys look around, then quickly jump
off their bikes and crouch next to a nearby tree.

NARRATOR
That's right. Duck and cover. Looks
like you got the idea.

More people ducking and covering as lava passes harmlessly
over them.

NARRATOR
Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye.

The filmstrip ends.

EXT. RESCUE BASE CAMP - DAY

OFFICER BARBRADY
Okay, any questions?

CHEF
That has got to be the most ridiculous
load of pigcrap I have ever seen.

OFFICER BARBRADY
That's enough out of you!

EXT. MOUNTAIN - FOREST - DAY

The group continues their hot pursuit.

STAN
I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt, then we'll
see who's a little bastard!

Stan takes aim at Cartman through the gunsites.

CARTMAN
Hey!! Seriously you guys...

But the group can't hear him. Stan levels the gun.

KYLE
Kill it Stan. Kill it!

As hard as he tries, Stan can't shoot. He still can't kill.

He takes a deep breath and tries again. But he just can't.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ACT III

KYLE
C'mon Stan kill it!

STAN
AW, DAMMIT! I CAN'T DO IT!

JIMBO
You pansy! Give me that gun!

Jimbo rips the gun out of Stan's hands. Just then, Cartman
manages to get off his disguise.

CARTMAN
HEY!!!!

STAN
Cartman?

CARTMAN
God Dammit, don't shoot me!

JIMBO
What the Sam Hell?

CARTMAN
I was just trying to scare you guys.
You can put that gun down now.

Jimbo and Ned sighs with disappointment.

NED
So much for the cover of Guns & Ammo.

JIMBO
Yepper. But I think we've learned
some important lessons Ned- I think
that -

KA-BAM!!!! The top of the mountain blows its top and lava
fires up into the air.

STAN
WOA!!

NED
Holy crap!

JIMBO
The Mountain, it's BLOWN IT'S TOP!!!

Suddenly, a huge lava bomb shoots up into the air from the
volcano.

The lava bomb drops from the sky. SCRUNCH!! It lands directly
on top of Kenny.

KYLE
Oh my God! they killed Kenny!

Just then, Kenny appears from behind the lava bomb,
apparently, it landed in front of him.

KENNY
Mph rmph rm!

Kenny waves happily. But just then, the large, round lava
bomb rolls over on top of Kenny, smothering and burning him
instantly.

EXT. BASE CAMP

The hot molten rock rushes down the mountain. A large group
of rescue workers spot the flow.

RESCUE WORKER #1
Look!! The volcano!!!

RESCUE WORKER 2
Quick! Duck and Cover!!!

The group ducks down and huddles on the ground.

WHOOOSH! The hot lava covers them, burning them instantly to
death.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The lava continues to flow down the mountain.

EXT. RIDGE - DAY

JIMBO
That lava's coming right for us!

EXT. FOREST - DAY

CHEF
Oh, no! LOOK!

Everybody turns to see Jimbo, Ned and the boys all running
for their lives down the mountain. But they are on the other
side of the large trench.

JIMBO
What the hell is this trench doing
here? We can't get across!

EXT. BASE CAMP

The T.V. Anchor is reporting the scene to the camera.

T.V. ANCHOR
It now looks as if the missing
children are trapped in the path of
hot, nasty lava!

The camera turns to the Mayor.

MAYOR
God, please deliver those darling
kids from... Wait, wait wait wait.
3,2,and 1: God, please deliver...

The townspeople can't do anything but watch in horror.

EXT. RIDGE - DAY

The lava rushes towards the group.

CARTMAN
HELP!!!!

Just then, the group hears a strange noise.

NOISE
Grrrrrr.

All of a sudden, a large bipedal creature appears! Covered
in purple fur, the creature is HUGE and hideous.

JIMBO
Jiminy Poke! It's the REAL
Scuzzlebutt!

CARTMAN
What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!

KYLE
Oh my God!! Look at his leg!

The boys look down to see that the creature, sure enough,
has Patrick Duffy instead of a leg.

PATRICK DUFFY
Hi, kids. I'm T.V.'s Patrick Duffy.

Everybody screams with horror.

JIMBO
Quick Ned! Shoot it!!!

Ned fires his rifle. CLICK! It's empty.

NED
Oh no! out of ammo!

Scuzzlebutt approaches menacingly, making strange Scuzzlebutt
sounds.

SCUZZLEBUTT
Grrrrrr.

The group turns to run, but the wall of lava is but fifty
feet away and there is no way to go. They turn back around,
but there is the looming Scuzzlebutt.

EXT. BASE CAMP

MAYOR
What is that thing?

CHEF
That's Scuzzlebutt!

MR. GARRISON
Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg
and weaves baskets.

BARBRADY
This isn't happening. Everyone look
away, please. Nothing to see here.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

The lava flows closer.

JIMBO
Well, boys... I'm sorry I got you
all killed.

Scuzzlebutt picks up a HUGE tree and starts to shred it with
his claws and teeth.

KYLE
AAAAGGHHH!!

With lightning speed, Scuzzlebutt makes the tree into a large
wicker basket and gestures for the hunters to step in.

KYLE
Whoa, he built a wicker basket.

JIMBO
Hey! He's saving us!!

SCUZZLEBUTT
Grrrrrr.

Using a rope, Scuzzlebutt hoists the basket safely up over
the trench, and then sets it down among the other townspeople.

MRS. CARTMAN
Scuzzlebutt saved the day!

Everybody cheers.

GEOLOGIST
And my calculations worked! The lava
is following the trench into the
Canyon!

Sure enough the lava hits the trench and immediately diverts
away!

MAYOR
Hmnn, Where exactly does the Canyon
go?

The Geologist thinks.

GEOLOGIST
Uh...

EXT. DENVER - DAY

The hot lava travels down the canyon and smothers all of
Denver, destroying the entire city, burning buildings and
killing millions.

EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY

MR. GARRISON
South Park is saved!

KYLE
Hey look, Kenny's OK.

KENNY
Mafmm Mmmfm Mma

T.V. ANCHOR
And now these humble people can
rejoice and celebrate their jovial
victory over nature. I'm getting
word that the Chef of the school
cafeteria wants to sing a song about
this thrilling struggle of humanity.

The press people and rest of South Park rejoice with Ned,
Jimbo and the boys. The whole town goes crazy with happiness.

Music kicks in, Chef starts to sing.

CHEF
(Singing)
Ooh, baby, every time that we kiss
HOT LAVA! And every time we make
love - That's lava, HOT LAVA! Lava
so hot it makes me sweat, Lava so
warm and red and wet - Lava !

T.V. ANCHOR
Mayor, what do you have to say about
this wonderful outcome?

MAYOR
Well, we owe everything to this
friendly, yet misunderstood creature.
Thank you, Scuzzlebutt.

Scuzzlebutt leans down, plucks a flower and hands it to the
mayor.

Scuzzlebutt starts to make a noise... A word is audible:

SCUZZLEBUTT
...Friend.

MAYOR
Oh, how sweet!

Everybody smiles. The Mayor beams.

Just then, Stan walks up to Scuzzlebutt, points the gun, and
blows its head off. His bulky body falls to the ground.

Everyone gasps.

STAN
I did it! I did it! I finally killed
something!

Jimbo and Ned look on in shock.

T.V. ANCHOR
Oh my God! What has he done?!

MAYOR
Turn off the cameras.

STAN
Hey! That was EASY!

PATRICK DUFFY
NOOOOO... Why God why?

JIMBO
Damnit Stan, you shouldn't have done
that!

STAN
What? Why?

KYLE
Yea, make up your mind dude.

JIMBO
Stan, some things you kill and some
things you don't. See?

STAN
No.

NED
Only now in this late hour do I see
the folly of guns. I'll never use a
gun again.

Ned throws down the gun and it misfires killing Kenny.

STAN
But I just wanted you to be proud of
me like you were with Kenny.

JIMBO
But Kenny's dead now Stan, and you're
always going to be my nephew. And
you just can't kill anything. You
understand?

STAN
Dude, I don't understand hunting at
all.

KYLE
Yeah, it's stupid. Let's go watch
cartoons.

CARTMAN
Yeah, cartoons kick ass.

The boys walk away.

FIN

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