"SO I MARRIED AN AXE MURDERER" Screenplay by Robbie Fox SHOOTING DRAFT FADE IN: OPEN ON: MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SHOTS OF SAN FRANCISCO - DUSK Over this we hear a recording of Jack Kerouac's poem, San Francisco which is accompanied by a BE-BOP trio. Kerouac's poetry coincides with the various shots of San Francisco. We come to a sign for Jack Kerouac Street. We PAN OVER to "THE CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE" and continue along to the ALLEYWAY where there is a large high-contrast black and white sign depicting Jack Kerouac in his famous "I'm looking into the distance, having a brilliant thought" pose... CHARLIE MACKENZIE, in his late twenties, wearing a flannel shirt and torn jeans, walks INTO THE FRAME, right in front of the picture of Jack Kerouac and inadvertently strikes the exact same pose. We PULL BACK to reveal that Charlie has a bag of garbage in his right hand, which he deposits in the alleyway. We FOLLOW Charlie into... INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE We FOLLOW him through the store. By day he is the Assistant Manager, by night he is a poet. A MAN in his fifties, wearing a beret and a goatee is reading, Charles Bukowski's, Playing The Piano Like a Percussive Instrument, Until Your Fingers Begin To Bleed A Bit. Charlie takes his place behind the cash register and resumes writing in his handsome leather-bound poetry journal. CHARLIE (sotto) O' SCOTLAND YOUR SUCKLED TEET OF SHAME CUSTOMER approaches. CUSTOMER Do you have the book On The Road by Jack Kerouac? Every day there is a steady stream of tourists who come in to get copies of On The Road. Charlie is use to this and without looking up he points to a huge, well marked display of thousands of copies of On The Road. Another TOURIST COUPLE approach. TOURIST Do you have a copy of On The Road by Jack Kerouac? Again not looking up, Charlie just points. TOURIST Thanks. EXT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - NIGHT Charlie puts the "CLOSED" sign on the door and proceeds to walk home. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS The sights and the sounds of the city are accentuated by the BEBOP as he sees life, warts and all. As the streets become less populated, he can now hear the sounds of his own FOOTSTEPS and, a COUPLE BICKERING. The streets become even more deserted. The night is closing in on him. A cat darts out from an alleyway and startles him. He quickens his pace. RUMBLINGS make him cross the street to avoid the danger. Headlights of a slow moving car approach from the distance. Charlie, frightened, turns another corner onto: HIS STREET He approaches a 3-story Victorian home, in which he has an apartment on the second floor, he notices a light on in his window. A CRASHING sound from within. CUT TO: HANDS taking papers out of a desk drawer. CUT TO: CHARLIE carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing it. He reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand. Sound of BREAKING GLASS from his apartment upstairs. CUT BACK TO: SHATTERED PICTURE FRAME with a photo of Charlie and an angelic blonde. CUT BACK TO: CHARLIE finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing. CUT TO: THE HANDS clasp a jewelry box on the top of the dresser and stuff them into a dufflebag; the jewelry is followed by CD's. CUT TO: CHARLIE pushing open his apartment door in a mock SWAT maneuver, then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in the bedroom. He stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop making a loud metal VITTSWINGGGG's sound. He freezes, terrified. CUT TO: THE BEDROOM where the HANDS, freeze. CUT BACK TO: CHARLIE Like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats... then springs Samurai style into... THE BEDROOM He freezes. REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL that the HANDS belong to the angelic blonde in the broken picture. It's Charlie's girlfriend, SHERRI. CHARLIE Sherri! What are you doing? SHERRI I'm leaving you. CHARLIE Oh, thank God... I thought you were robbing our own home, because frankly, that's insane. I mean, what could you possibly gain by robbing your own home? I don't mean to meddle, but isn't it better to rob other peoples' homes? Start accumulating their wealth as opposed to just reaccumulating your own wealth. SHERRI That's not funny, Charlie. I'm really leaving. She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things. CHARLIE What?! Just because we had a fight last night? SHERRI We've had a fight every night for two months. Ever since I brought up the subject of marriage, you've found fault with everything I do. Why couldn't we have gotten married, Charlie? CHARLIE (beat) I'm too young to get married. (begins putting her things back) I'm only twenty-nine and a half. We love living together. SHERRI It's been two years now. I need something more. CHARLIE See, Sherri, this is frustrating for me, okay. When we first started going out I thought we agreed that we weren't the sort of people who got married. SHERRI That's like saying we're not the sort of people who are going to grow old. We're not going to fall into that "growing old" trap. Face it, you've got a problem with commitment, Charlie. Take a look at your other girlfriends. Every time you get close to a commitment there's something wrong with them. CHARLIE Hey, I broke up with them for good reasons. SHERRI What about Sandy? CHARLIE Sandy was an alcoholic. SHERRI No-no-no. You thought she was an alcoholic. She just drank more than you drank. What about Jill? CHARLIE She hated my family. SHERRI You thought she hated your family. Nobody hates your family. Everybody loves your family. What about Julie? CHARLIE She smelled like soup. SHERRI What does that mean? CHARLIE She smelled exactly like Campbell's Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty, physically dirty. SHERRI Well, Charlie, I wonder what you're gonna say were my problems? Are you gonna tell your friends that I was a junkie, that I wasn't supportive enough or that I smelled like relish? Charlie, I loved you. It could have worked out. (she goes to the door) Think about it. She leaves. ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE'S CAR - DUSK Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a night on the town. Tony is second generation Italian-American with very Mediterranean features. They're listening to Teenage Fan Club. They pass Ghierardeli Square. CHARLIE Tony, Teenage Fan Club, they're Scottish you know? TONY Oh. CHARLIE I had that dream again. TONY Oh, is that the one where you suspect that a fat man in a diaper, on a lazy susan has interfered with your plans for the evening? CHARLIE No, but I have had that one. No, in this one I'm in love... TONY Yeah. CHARLIE And I say to myself, 'I've finally found somebody that I'm truly comfortable with.' You know when you're so comfortable that you'll let them put makeup on you to see what you would look like if you were a girl. Anyways you know what I do in the dream next? TONY You propose? CHARLIE (after a pause) No. I die. TONY But Charlie, you're a normal suburban guy at heart, from a normal suburban family. Didn't you tell me you always wanted to get married and have a family. CHARLIE Yes, but, I'm afraid, okay? There are seven main rites of passage in a man's life. Birth, first day of school, last day of school. Marriage. Kids. Retirement. Death. I'm at marriage. I'm two rites of passage away from death. TONY I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Tony is doing three-sixties, scoping out beauties, when suddenly his roving eyes lock on a police car directly behind them. He slouches down into his seat. TONY Christ. It's the cops. CHARLIE Tony, you are a cop. TONY I know. Isn't it awful? I work with those guys. They're assholes. The police car passes. INT. SPILETTI'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT Tony and Charlie enter. There is a poet on stage. The club is full of art tarts and college bohemians. They are greeted by the club's owner, GIUSEPPI, an Italian man in his fifties. TONY Salve zio mio. UNCLE Allora? Che catzo fai, Charlie? CHARLIE Hi, Uncle Giuseppi. UNCLE Tony, come' stai bello il tuo pappa e' in galera per la terza volta. Tony's uncle shows them to a table. UNCLE I'll have the waitress bring you cappuccino. CHARLIE What did your uncle say? TONY He says my Dad's back in jail again. CHARLIE Ah, I'm sorry, man. TONY You know, it's funny I don't even feel related to my parents anymore. I feel like your mom and dad are more like my parents. I feel more Scottish than Italian. CHARLIE Tony Spiletti, I don't think you could get more Italian than that. Unless of course your name was Tony Italian Guy. Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar. CHARLIE I'm so bummed. Sherri was great, wasn't she? I'm an asshole, aren't I? TONY Yes. CHARLIE You've got to help me get through this night. TONY You've just got to get back on the horse. The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large cups like they have in France. CHARLIE Waitress, I'm sorry, there seems to be a mistake. I ordered the large cappuccino. Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange, "This could be promising." looks. CHARLIE (to the girls) Do you think these cups could be larger? They're practically bowls. The girls laugh again. CHARLIE I feel like I'm having Campbell's Cuppuccino. TONY Join us in a cup of coffee? There's enough room? GIRLS Sure! The girls come over. SUSAN My name's Susan and this is June. We think you're funny. TONY My name's Tony. This is my friend Charlie. CHARLIE Look, Tony, I'm going home. See you later, girls. Tony grabs him and pulls him aside. TONY You really don't understand, do you? When a girl comes over to your table and says, 'I think you're funny.' It means you've pretty much been given the keys to the city. Charlie, this is big. CHARLIE Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. Here's what's gonna happen, Tony. We'll end up going out with them tonight, maybe even home with them. Well go out for two months. Soon she'll move in, we'll be happy, She'll want more of a commitment. I'll be terrified and I'll do something to ruin it. Just like I did with Sherri. He leaves. Tony is left with the two girls. JUNE Poor, guy... He seemed so nice. TONY (talking, choked up) I just broke up with somebody as well. She left me high and dry. The girls try to comfort him. INT. CHARLIE'S APARTMENT Three quarters of the furnishings and items have disappeared with Sherri. Charlie sits dejectedly on the floor over his Poetry Journal. He is missing Sherri. We see... CHARLIE'S FACE He looks out and is struck by an idea and begins to write. ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL I AM LONELY CHARLIE'S FACE Again he looks out, finds his inspiration and continues to write IN THE JOURNAL IT'S REALLY HARD CHARLIE'S FACE A gentle tear rolls down his left cheek. He pauses, then finishes off the stanza. IN THE JOURNAL THIS POEM SUCKS After the last line he scratches out the entire poem. He closes the book and turns on the TV set to CNN to veg out. The show is "What's Cooking! With Burt Wolf." EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET Charlie is driving in his car. He drives slowly looking for an address. Finds it, slips in to a parking spot in front. EXT. BUTCHER'S SHOP - MEATS OF THE WORLD Adorning the front are a "GRAND OPENING" sign and miniature flags of the world. Charlie goes inside. INT. BUTCHER'S SHOP It's a small, hip shop selling specialty meats from around the world. Charlie looks around. Suddenly, an attractive woman in her late twenties, wearing a blood-stained smock enters. It is HARRIET MICHAELS. She has a cleaver in one hand and something bloody in the other. HARRIET (angry) Goddamn shoplifter. (conscious of Charlie's presence; holding up bloody meat) But I got him! (smiles) You're next. CHARLIE (backing out the door; terrified) I've come at a bad time. HARRIET No stay! CHARLIE No, no, really... Obviously you've got things you have to do. You've got to dismember the rest of his bloody torso. Dig a makeshift shallow grave. Cover the body with quick lime. Really so much to do, so little time and I'm only in the way here, I'm just gonna go. Good luck. HARRIET (referring to meat in hand) Oh, this! Oh, no, this is what he stole. This isn't a piece of him or anything. This is Icelandic Shank. CHARLIE I bet it goes well with a nice Chianti. Fittfittfitt. HARRIET (laughs) Can I help you? CHARLIE Yes. Do you have haggis? HARRIET Yes, we do. It's over here in our Scottish Cuts section. One? This is a section under glass flying a Scottish flag, with haggis and various cuts of Scottish meat. CHARLIE Yes! I've never been able to find haggis anywhere, except at my parents' house. They're Scottish. Harriet rounds the counter and wraps up the haggis. Behind her is the large "PRUSSIAN VENISON" sign. HARRIET (ringing up his order) That'll be fifteen, seventy-nine. Will there be anything else? CHARLIE Yes. I know it's a long shot, but you wouldn't by any chance happen to have any Prussian Venison? HARRIET Now where in the world would I get Prussian Venison? Charlie's charmed. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET Charlie is driving along listening to Kerouac. We absorb the flavor of San Francisco as he drives down Lombard Street. EXT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT An old crappie apartment building in San Francisco. Charlie's car pulls up. We hear "SATURDAY NIGHT" by the Bay City Rollers. INT. OUTER HALLWAY OF CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT - NIGHT Charlie approaches a door. CHARLIE (calling up) Mom, Dad, I'm here. STUART (O.S.) We're in here, son. The apartment is a shrine to Scotland. Scottish paraphernalia, miniature Scotty dogs, shortbread tins and, on wall, framed pictures depict famous Scotsmen, Sean Connery, Jackie Stewart, Alexander Graham Bell, James Doohan (Scottie from "Star Trek"), Sheena Easton, Billy Connolly. CHARLIE'S POV - AS WE ENTER THE LIVING ROOM We see STUART, MAY, TONY, and little WILLIAM, Charlie's fourteen year old little brother all singing: ALL (singing) S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y... NIGHT STUART (noticing Charlie) Come give your old man a kiss or I'll kick your teeth in. The group are eating dinner on TV trays. Charlie walks over and turns off the record. MAY Charlie, put on Charlie Pride, would ya? Oh, I love Charlie Pride. (begins singing; in thick Scottish accent) HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD... STUART May, shut it. STUART MACKENZIE is in his late fifties, a butcher, with Coke bottle glasses and thick head of black hair. His red- haired wife, MAY, is in her fifties, attractive with a soft, but tough appearance. Little WILLIAM, has a very large head and a skinny neck. Like Charlie, he was born in America. Charlie gives his Mom a hug, his father a kiss. CHARLIE Hey, William. WILLIAM (on his stomach on the floor; watching TV) Hey, Charlie. STUART SCORES! MAGIC GOAL! On the television, Stuart's team, Glasgow Celtic, has scored. TONY Aye -- magic. STUART Let's have a look at the re-play. William, move your head. Look at the size of that ooy's heed. I'm not kidding. It's like an orange on a tooth pick. MAY Stuart, you're going to give the boy a complex. STUART I'm not kidding. That's a huge noggin'. It has it's own weather system. It's a virtual planetoid. (shouting to William) Heed! Move! We see the re-play of the goal on TV. Tony sits down and May brings over a plate of stew and three types of potatoes, piled very high. MAY Is that enough potatoes, Charlie? CHARLIE Enough to recreate Devil's Tower in "Close Encounters". STUART (sniffs the air) Do I smell haggis? CHARLIE Aye, you do. MAY (taking it) I'll put it in the frig. Charlie notices Tony reading some papers. He realizes it's literature from the Lyndon H. LaRouche Society. CHARLIE Dad, what are you doing to Tony now? Why do you abuse his mind like this? STUART That's the latest report from Lyndon H. LaRouche, outlining how the Queen and the Rothschilds masterminded the Soviet overthrow, so that they could reclaim lands they had annexed during the Holy Roman Empire. TONY (goading Charlie) You know a lot of this makes sense. CHARLIE I think you're suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages start to relate to their captors. STUART Listen, Sonny Jim, it's a known fact there's a society of the five wealthiest people in the world, called the Pentaverate, who run everything and meet three times a year at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as "The Meadows." CHARLIE (sarcastic) And that's obviously why we haven't heard about it in the newspapers. STUART (inappropriately angry & loud) That's right. They fuckin' own the papers, smartass. And everything else. Why do you think Scotland's not been able to get independence? Because the Queen the Pentavirate and those English dome heads in West Minster won't have it. CHARLIE Who are the other members of this pentaverate? STUART The Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with his wee beady eyes. And that smug look on his face. CHARLIE Dad how can you hate "the Colonel?" STUART Because the Colonel puts an addictive chemical in it that makes you crave it fortnightly. CHARLIE Interesting... coo-coo MAY Would anyone like a juice? Charlie, did I tell you, we bought a Juice Tiger? CHARLIE A Juice Tiger? MAY Aye, it's a juicer. It's part of my National Enquirer, Garth Brooks diet. Would you like potato juice? CHARLIE Thank you, no. MAY Sherri's late. CHARLIE Yeah, uh, Sherri and I broke up. MAY Oh, you didn't. Sherri was the daughter your father was never able to give me. CHARLIE I'm just not ready for marriage. I'm twenty-nine and my poems haven't even been published yet. STUART But it's not just the poetry is it son? You're afraid if you get married you'll lose your muse. Look at me, I was a strapping young butcher, at the height of my creative powers. When it came to de-boning a side of beef, there was nobody that could touch me. Then I married your mother. And people would still stand in awe as I filleted a shoulder of lamb. MAY Maybe it's just as well not to get married, look at the news. Where did I put it? STUART Heed. Move that melon of yours into the bathroom and get the paper for your mother. William gets the National Enquirer and brings it back. CHARLIE That's not news, Dad. That's bullshit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with that paper. STUART What are you talking about? It's the fifth highest circulating paper in the United States, I'll have you know. MAY Oh, here it is. Mrs. X. The Honeymoon Murderer. She marries men under fake identities, and then murders them. She killed some German martial arts expert, and some plumber named Ralph Elliot. Her whereabouts are unknown. There's another goal on the TV set. STUART Scores! Two nil. Magic! TONY Ah, beautiful goal. We HOLD on the TV set. Time passes. The TV set CROSS FADES: TO THE END OF THE GAME The two teams are shaking hands. And the final scores chyron shows Celtic beating Rangers three nothing. We see Charlie and Tony are leaving. Stuart is blind drunk. STUART (singing Rod Stewart's song) YOU'RE IN MY EYES, YOU'RE IN MY DREAMS... YOU'RE CELTIC, UNITED AND BABY I'VE DECIDED... MAY Ah, you're steaming. She meets Charlie and Tony at the door and kisses him good- bye. She turns to kiss Tony, and holds on the kiss far too long. TONY (pulling away) See you later, Mrs. MacKenzie. MAY Oh, you've turned into a sexy Italian bastard. CHARLIE See you later, mom. (calling out) See you later, Dad. STUART Fine. Go! You've stayed your hour. Charlie and Tony leave and enter... THE HALLWAY where they find William sitting on the stairs waiting for them. WILLIAM Take me with you. EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD - LATE AFTERNOON Charlie's drives by and notices Harriet, who's unwinding the store awning in Dutch national costume. The banner announces "DUTCH WEEK." "MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES DUTCH MEAT." Charlie slows down to look at her. She looks great in her little Dutch costume. INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY Charlie is again writing at the counter. Another PERSON enters. MAN Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to have... Charlie again points to the Kerouac section without looking up. MAN Thanks. ON THE PAD Charlie writes... OH MEAT MAID, IF THE CATTLE HAD HAD A CHOICE, THEY WOULD HAVE SLAUGHTERED THEMSELVES WILLINGLY FOR A CHANCE TO BE TOUCHED BY YOUR FINGERS CUT TO: CHARLIE'S FACE She's on his mind. EXT. MEATS OF THE WORLD Charlie's car pulls up. The sign reads, "WELSH WEEK" "MEATS OF THE WORLD SALUTES WELSH MEATS" INT. MEATS OF THE WORLD The store is very busy. There is a line at the meat counter seven people deep. Charlie takes his place at the end of the line. We see a montage of a persons hands chopping a rack of lamb into lamb chops, and carving meat with surgical efficiency. HARRIET (spotting Charlie in the crowd) Oh, hi haggis, right? CHARLIE It was a big hit. HARRIET (finishing up with a customer) I remember you told me you were Scottish, but do you really like haggis. CHARLIE No. I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Harriet laughs. HARRIET (to the next customer) Can I help you? (to Charlie) Sorry, I'm really busy. CHARLIE Look, um, my dad's a butcher, do you need a hand? HARRIET Well, actually, Yes. Charlie puts on a very stylish butcher smock and crosses behind the counter. HARRIET Can you get me four Belgian porterhouses? Do you know what a porterhouse looks like? CHARLIE I'm meat literate. Time passes we see a montage of Harriet and Charlie serving customers. Ending on a customer's POV of Charlie. CUSTOMER (O.S.) Yes, do you have any fresh blubber? CHARLIE I'll check. (pause) You want blubber, right? CUSTOMER Yeah. We see Charlie's POV of an Eskimo with a "lower forty-eighth" accent. CUSTOMER My parents are coming to town. You know how parents are. They'll drive you nuts. The Eskimo exits, there are no customers left. HARRIET Look, I'm really grateful. Can I offer you some meat as payment? Please, help yourself to some meat. CHARLIE I'm trying to be a vegetarian. HARRIET Trying to be a vegetarian? CHARLIE Yeah, the problem is I really love hot-dogs. HARRIET I think the meat industry invented hot-dogs to stop people from becoming vegetarians. There's got to be something I can do to repay you. CHARLIE You could take me to a nice romantic dinner. EXT. PIER - NIGHT Charlie and Harriet are eating hot-dogs. As Charlie puts the relish on, he smells the relish. CHARLIE (sniffing the relish) This reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. HARRIET I hate talking about old relationships. CHARLIE Then let's not and say we did. HARRIET (she laughs) That was easy -- What a nice guy. You've probably never done a mean thing in your life. CHARLIE You'd be surprised. HARRIET I'd like to hear. (to his confused look) Name me something bad you've done in your life. CHARLIE Are you kidding me? HARRIET No. Did you ever steal anything? You ever hit someone? CHARLIE Well, I've been in fights. Let me think. HARRIET (as Charlie thinks) Not one bad thing, Charlie? CHARLIE Tell me something bad you've done. And it better be bad. I mean, evil. HARRIET How evil? CHARLIE Really evil. (thinks) Like how many people have you brutally murdered? HARRIET "Brutal" is such a subjective word. I mean, what's brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to another. Next to them is a German couple, speaking German, looking through a coin-operated binocular. He says something which causes her to cry. CHARLIE This just reminded her of that scene in "Brian's Song". HARRIET Actually, he just proposed to her. Those are tears of joy. She lifts her soda to toast them. HARRIET Prost. The man and woman smile and nod. MAN Danke, Fraulein. CHARLIE You're very smart. It's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you. HARRIET Do bright women intimidate you? CHARLIE No, not at all. HARRIET Really, what do you look for in women you date? CHARLIE (thinks) Well, I know everyone always say "sense of humor", but I'd have to go with breast size. (she laughs) How about you? In a guy. HARRIET Income of course, and then... (thinks) ...savings. He smiles at her. CHARLIE Me likey how you thinkey. INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The lights turn on, and then they enter a very bohemian apartment. There is artists paraphernalia strewn around. A small bar separates the living area from the kitchen. She smiles and walks off into the kitchen. HARRIET I'll make us some tea. He checks out her apartment. On the wall there is a huge poster of the BOARDWALK IN ATLANTIC CITY. CHARLIE Hey, you know what this apartment needs? A really large oversized poster of Atlantic City. HARRIET I used to live there. That's where I had my first supermarket job. On his way out, he peeks into the bedroom, where he finds a bed that is facing neither parallel nor perpendicular with the wall. It is just kind of "there". HARRIET (O.S.) (coming into room) I only have chamomile. I hope that's all right. He looks at her and then at the "Oddly-placed" bed. HARRIET It's North-South. (to his confused look) For health reasons. See... I had this friend, he was a martial arts expert. Anyways, he used to sleep North-South. I don't know... It's a martial arts thing and it just sort of became a habit with me. CHARLIE (walking into living room) You know Scotland has it's own martial arts. It's called FUCKU. It's mostly head butting and kicking people when they're on the ground. Harriet starts laughing. Then so does Charlie. They lean into each other. Pretty close. Too close even, and when it seems like they're going to kiss, Charlie suddenly gets uncomfortable and looks at his watch. HARRIET Late? CHARLIE No. No. Not for me. HARRIET Who for then? CHARLIE Who for then what? HARRIET Well, you looked at your watch and said it wasn't late for you... I wondered who it was late for. CHARLIE Not me. No, Sir. Not here. (after a pause; checking watch) Maybe it is late. She gets him his coat. He starts to leave. CHARLIE Look, the truth is, yes, I had a great time, and I'd like to kiss you, but if we do kiss, then we'll kiss on the couch and if we kiss on the couch, then we'll kiss in the bedroom, and once you're in the bedroom -- Well, the thing is, I always rush it. And this time I feel like maybe I should wait. Maybe we should let it build naturally and grow, instead of just immediately spending the night together. HARRIET I want to spend the night together. CHARLIE (sold) I have no problem with that. THE BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT They are both fast asleep. She is curled up in his arms. Suddenly, she begins to speak. HARRIET Yes! Yes! Charlie's eyes open. He smiles. HARRIET Yes Ralph. I will. Ralph. Charlie's smile fades. He sits up and looks at her. She is lying completely still on the bed, her eyes closed, and still sleep-talking. HARRIET (O.S.) Now now Ralph! CHARLIE (waking her) Harriet...? Harriet...? (as her eyes open) You were having a dream, or...? You kept saying the name Ralph. HARRIET Ralph? CHARLIE Ralph. I heard you say it. HARRIET (sleepily) That's odd. Just today I was thinking about, her. She's a friend. CHARLIE (starting to leave) Is she nice --? Ralph... HARRIET Yeah. She's great. DISSOLVE INTO: INT. HARRIET'S BEDROOM - MORNING Charlie is sleeping alone in the bed, and the sound of RUNNING WATER is heard off in the distance. His eyes slowly open, he looks around, remembers where he is. He puts on his shorts and walks towards the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM - MORNING Through the steam we can just make out Harriet in the shower washing her hair. Charlie walks over. CHARLIE You know... with this drought in California total strangers are urged to shower together. He opens the curtain. It's not Harriet. The woman, ROSE, calmly looks at him and closes the curtain. ROSE Go away. CHARLIE Oh God. I'm sorry. Jesus. Excuse me. He backs out of the room. INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT The door opens and a hurriedly dressed Charlie emerges. Before he gets to the door he once again encounters Rose. She's completely dressed. Even her hair is dry. CHARLIE Hi. I'm really sorry. I must have scared the... I'm Harriet's friend, Charlie, and you must be... (hopefully) Ralph? ROSE I'm Harriet's sister, Rose. And this is Harriet's note. He reaches for it, but she reads it aloud to him. ROSE (reading) 'Dear Charlie, I didn't want to wake you, make yourself at home, thanks for making me smile.' Harriet. CHARLIE That's a very nice note. ROSE I'll make you some breakfast. CHARLIE Gee, I'd love to but I'm running late. ROSE What would you say to blueberry pancakes, bacon, fresh squeezed grape juice and Kona coffee? INT. KITCHEN - LATER Charlie and Rose sit at the table each eating a bowl of dry cereal. ROSE I'm sorry I didn't have any of those other things. CHARLIE Hey, that stuff'll kill you while Fruit Loops are light and probably reasonably high in Fiber. I like Apple Jacks too. ROSE Got 'em. CHARLIE So this is your apartment? Rose starts sketching Charlie. ROSE Yes. She's been here the past three months... ever since she came back from Miami. I used to visit her occasionally. She didn't speak of me? CHARLIE (shakes his head, no) She told me about a martial arts guy and there was some discussion about Ralph... ROSE She spoke of them...? CHARLIE She spoke of the martial arts guy and screamed about Ralph... ROSE (affectionately) Well, you know Harriet. CHARLIE Actually, I really don't. ROSE (puzzled) But you did have sex with her? CHARLIE (taken aback) Hello. ROSE Yet you still don't know her. (contemplates this) See, that's the problem with sex. It's not very revealing. CHARLIE My, look at the time. He stands up. ROSE (after a pause) You should be careful, Charlie. CHARLIE I am... usually. I just... You should know, this is very unusual that I would do this so soon, in this day and age particularly, but... We just really hit it off. We did. And... ROSE I'm gonna go now. I won't tell Harriet that anything happened. CHARLIE But... nothing did happen. ROSE Exactly. Or she would be jealous. And when she gets jealous, we both know what she's capable of. CHARLIE No, we don't. You do, like I said, I just met her. ROSE You'll be okay, Charlie. Just be careful. She leaves. Charlie is baffled. INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - DAY As Charlie walks by, FRED, a lanky customer in his late teens is buying a book. FRED Hey, Charlie. How you doin'? CHARLIE Good. Good. Look, Fred... (leaning in) You got a lot of girlfriends, right? You know any girls named Ralph? FRED Ralph? Gee, Charlie. Isn't that a guy's name? CHARLIE Well, not necessarily, but... Never mind. Thanks, Fred. Charlie catches the store manager, PENNY, on her way into her office. CHARLIE Hey Penny, I wanted to ask you -- you know some girls named Ralph, right? I mean, that's a girl's name also, isn't it? PENNY (confused) I don't think so, Charlie... Uh... CHARLIE (walking away) Forget it. Thanks. She walks into her office totally confused. EXT. DOCKSIDE - ALCATRAZ TOUR KIOSK - MAINLAND - DAY Tony and Charlie are waiting in line. AERIAL VIEW OF BOAT as they travel to the island. TONY (V.O.) You know I've lived in this city all my life and I've never been to Alcatraz. ALCATRAZ We open on the LOUD BANGING of a CELL DOOR. We find our tour group in the holding area. The PARK RANGER is a beefy man in his late fifties and talks with emotionless, military precision. PARK RANGER Hello, everyone I'm a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All the park rangers here at Alcatraz were at one time guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicki. Will you please follow me? They are led out. We see that Alcatraz is a sinister place. Cold and unforgiving. The Park Ranger leads them to the center of a cell block. TONY You're glowing, Charlie. The man's in love. CHARLIE Sssh... Stop it. I'm trying to listen. PARK RANGER This is the main cell block area. Home to such famous criminals as Al Capone, Micky Cohen, Joseph "Dutch" Critzer, and Robert Stroud, the famous Bird Man of Alcatraz. Follow me, please. The Park Ranger leads them past the famous visiting rooms, the mess hall, all the way to the solitary confinement area. A CELL PARK RANGER This is the cell for solitary confinement, that over the years has come to be known as Times Square. Tony and Charlie are at the back of the tour group. TONY So did you and Harriet?... you know... CHARLIE (grinning) Sssh I don't want to talk about it. TONY With that look, you don't have to talk about it. The grin alone could get you five to seven years. CHARLIE Tony, get your mind out of the gutter. All you need to know is that she's a sweet, kind and loving person. PARK RANGER Now this is something none of the other tour guides will tell you. In this particular cell block Machine Gunn Kelly had, what we call in the prison system, a "bitch." And one day, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a makeshift knife, or "shiv," and cut out his "bitch's" eyes. CHARLIE Look, what can I tell you. I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit. I dunno. I just don't wanna talk about it, because then I start analyzing and that's not good for me. TONY Good. I think that's good. Just let it happen. CHARLIE Exactly. That's what's gonna be different this time. Something strange happens, let it go. It's not my business... Like Ralph. She says Ralph in her sleep. TONY Who's Ralph? CHARLIE I don't know who Ralph is. Moreover, I don't want to know. TONY Good. PARK RANGER And as if blinding his "bitch" wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the "bitch's" ocular cavity. Tony and Charlie look at each other. They're a little queasy. CHARLIE Exactly. (beat) Tony, I'm happy. Don't let me screw this one up. INT. EL TORO - IN THE MISSION - DAY They are eating Bay burrites. ROSE Did you have a nice date last night? HARRIET Rose, I don't really -- ROSE He disturbed me while I was naked in the shower this morning. HARRIET Yeah, he stayed over? ROSE I didn't mind. Charlie and I laughed about it over breakfast. HARRIET That's good. ROSE He said you had great sex last night. HARRIET He did? (a beat) Yeah. ROSE He seems really stuck on you. I hope for you that it lasts. HARRIET Rose he's a sweet, kind and loving person. We like each other, but I don't want to think any further. It's taken me a long time to get back to dating, and I want to take things real steady this time. ROSE Well, you can trust me not to tell him anything. HARRIET He was quite happy not to talk about the past. ROSE I did a sketch of him. Rose shows the sketch to Harriet. HARRIET (looking at the picture) That's good. ROSE Think I've caught him? HARRIET The eyes are good. ROSE Charlie really liked it. HARRIET It's a good likeness. ROSE Boy, I really hope it works out. HARRIET Rose, I don't wanna screw this one up. EXT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY Charlie enters the building, holding a handful of poetry books. He passes a UNIFORMED DELIVERY GUY coming out. The guy nods and Charlie nods back. INT. HARRIET'S APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Charlie gets three feet down the hallway. Stops in his tracks and heads back to the front door. He opens it and yells to the delivery guy: CHARLIE Hey, uh... Ralph...? DELIVERY GUY (turning around) I'm Gilbert. CHARLIE Shit. HARRIET'S DOOR - MOMENTS LATER She opens the door enough to see that she is wearing only a blouse that goes below her hips. She looks fantastic. He hands her the poetry books. HARRIET (teasing him) Charlie, they're beautiful. I'll put them right in water. He follows her inside and puts the books on the bureau. He goes over and kisses her. CHARLIE You look great. HARRIET I was just getting dressed. (picking up skirt off couch) What do you think of this skirt? CHARLIE Honestly? (pulls her close) I'd leave it off. HARRIET So then you think I could go to a poetry concert like this? She drops the skirt and stands there. She's fantastic. CHARLIE Let's forget the poetry concert. It's already been nine hours since I last made love to you. HARRIET (smiling; walking away) Come on we're meeting your best friend. I wanna look good. The second I go to the ladies room he's gonna tell you what he really thinks of me. He follows her to the bedroom door, constantly trying to kiss her. HARRIET Come on, Charlie. We have to be there in fifteen minutes. CHARLIE (following her into bedroom) Fifteen minutes. Perfect. She closes the door on his face. CHARLIE (through door) Maybe later. ROSE (O.S.) I thought of calling you. CHARLIE (startled) Aaaahhh! Charlie turns on his heel. Rose has appeared out of nowhere. ROSE (after a pause) To warn you, Charlie. (after a pause) There are just some things you should know, about Harriet. CHARLIE About Harriet? ROSE About her past. CHARLIE I don't wanna know. I mean, look everyone has some skeletons in their past. I only care about the future. Not the past. ROSE Here's the thing. I may have to tell Harriet. CHARLIE Tell her what? ROSE That we're lovers. CHARLIE We're not lovers. ROSE I know, and it's a damn shame. Harriet walks in the room, fully dressed, and fully dazzling. HARRIET I hope I'm not interrupting. CHARLIE (feeling weird) No, not at all. We were just talking about... Rose and I met yesterday, so... HARRIET So I heard. Harriet hugs Rose and then stands right next to her. HARRIET So, don't you think we look alike? ROSE Oh, we do not. Harriet was always prettier than me. And a heck of a lot more popular. She always had boyfriends. The only thing I ever got was good grades. CHARLIE (slightly uncomfortable) Good grades are good. HARRIET She's just being kind. Show Charlie one of your photographs, Rose. Rose is a great artist. ROSE No, Harriet. I don't want to. They're not good. HARRIET You're so modest. If I weren't here to brag for you, I just don't know... (taking out a posterboard from cabinet) Show it to him, Rose. Do it. He turns it over and there is a picture there. A collage of unrelated images put together. And it is beautiful. But it's very abstract. Violent perhaps. Confused definitely. He likes it. CHARLIE It's beautiful... ROSE Thanks. CHARLIE What is it? ROSE I dunno. CHARLIE What do you call it? ROSE I dunno. CHARLIE A lot artists don't like to title their work. They feel it biases the viewer. ROSE It is titled. It's called "I dunno". Charlie looks at it again, then at Rose, then at Harriet. It's all a little bizarre, but in a funny way he feels for Rose. A hidden talented overshadowed by her sister's beauty. HARRIET We should get going, Charlie. Thanks, Rose... See you later. ROSE Bye, Charlie. CHARLIE Rose, great to see you. We should all go out together some time. The three of us. That would be great. That would be... interesting. Charlie and Harriet walk out. EXT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT Charlie and Harriet wait in line with bohemian types and poetry lovers from the suburbs, and all walks of life. Directly behind them are TWO OLD LADIES. The marquee reads: "POETRY FESTIVAL - TONIGHT ALLEN GINSBERG." CHARLIE I think you're going to love Alan Ginsberg. He's great. HARRIET Oh, I know all about him. TONY (O.S.) Hey Charlie! Tony is getting out of a cab accompanied by Susan, the girl from Spiletti's Coffee House. He approaches Charlie. TONY Sorry we're late. Tony throws his arms wide open and hugs one of the Little Old Ladies on the other side of Charlie. TONY You must be Harriet. I've heard a lot about you. CHARLIE (to Tony; re: Harriet) This is Harriet. TONY Oh. Sorry. Of course. (whispering to Harriet) I apologize. Charlie described you as much older. And heavier. HARRIET (smiling) Oh, he did...? CHARLIE Thank you, Tony. This is my best friend. TONY And this is Susan. Charlie, you remember her from Uncle Giuseppi's. CHARLIE Yes, I do. SUSAN You're funny... Then she GIGGLES. The girls start inside, Tony lags back with Charlie. TONY (whispers to Charlie) I give Susan one night. INT. POETRY FESTIVAL - NIGHT ALLEN GINSBERG is on stage. He is brilliant. Tony, Charlie, and Harriet are all amused. Susan is bored stiff. Charlie is looking at Tony. Tony glances over at Susan and gives Charlie an "Oh, well." look. Then he looks at Harriet and nods in approval of her. EXT. FISHERMAN'S WHARF - NIGHT The four of them walk along the wharf. Charlie is at one of those arcade games where you throw bean bags at the puppets and try and knock them down. Charlie knocks two down. ARCADE MAN One more and you get your pick. CHARLIE (to Harriet) You do it. HARRIET No, Charlie. I'm the worst. TONY Come on, you'll be great... The arcade man turns around to watch. Harriet winds up and throws the bean bag directly into his neck. ARCADE MAN Hey! HARRIET Sorry... I told you Charlie. CHARLIE No, no, you're okay, you're just having control problems. They both start laughing. He puts his arm around her. In the b.g. the wounded arcade man is being led away by a co-worker. They continued down the boardwalk stand in front of a House of Horrors. It looks somewhat run down and Harriet looks questioningly at Charlie. CHARLIE I know this is really, really cheesy, but in a way this is one of the places in San Francisco I'm most proud of. HARRIET Yeah, let's go in. Tony nods agreement. Susan looks bored. They go inside the HOUSE OF HORRORS it's as low rent as Charlie described. The "KEEPER OF THE THRESHOLD" so described in a poorly written sign, is an overweight man in his late twenties, wearing jeans and a denim jacket and a little bit of scary makeup. He looks like a roadie for the band, KISS. He stands at a podium, smoking and reading a paper. As Charlie, Tony, Harriet and Susan pass the Threshold Keeper, he takes a casual drag of his cigarette, lets out a little smoke and with zero commitment utters: THRESHOLD KEEPER Boo. INT. WAX MUSEUM - DAY Harriet and Charlie enter Bill's Wax Museum. The OWNER of the wax museum greets them. OWNER Hi. I'm Bill, welcome to my wax museum. They walk over to the exhibits. There are exhibits of Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton. As they look more closely they notice that the faces are exactly the same as Bill's. They laugh. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Pouring rain. THUNDER. Charlie and Harriet, wrapped in each others arms, walking through the rain. HARRIET I feel so safe with you right now. You're never going to leave me, are you? I feel like I could be here forever. CUT TO: TIGHT SHOT OF RAIN HITTING CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE MATCH DISSOLVE TO: THE REFLECTION OF RAIN ON CHARLIE'S PANIC-STRICKEN FACE PULL BACK to see Charlie in bed. He lies awake on his side, his back up to Harriet's. She is sound asleep. Suddenly: HARRIET (sleeptalking) Ralph! No, Ralph! Charlie sighs, then just shrugs and tries to fall asleep. What can he do. FADE IN: INT. CHARLIE'S PARENTS' APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT Charlie and Harriet wait outside his parents' door. CHARLIE Well, this is it. HARRIET It'll be fine. They enter the door. INT. CHARLIE'S PARENT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT We again move along the hallway. We pass the Scottish wall, of fame, Scottie from "Star Trek", Sir Walter Scott, Sir Harry Lauder, Sheena Easton, Al Pacino, Billy Connolly, then the CAMERA BACKTRACKS to Pacino, where it HOLDS MOMENTARILY. CHARLIE Mom, Dad, we're here. May comes up, wearing a fancy country and western outfit. MAY Ah, Charlie is this the wee Harriet. Ah, she's beautiful. HARRIET Thank you. MAY She's so sweet. I hope you keep her. (calling) Stuart, come out here. You tube. When he comes up, Stuart is wearing only a shirt with his boxer shorts. STUART Ah, it's the wee Harriet. MAY Stuart, put your pants on. STUART Hold your horses. (calling to William) Heed! Pants! William comes around the corner with his pants. CHARLIE Dad, what's Al Pacino doing on the Scottish wall of fame? STUART Oh, that's for Tony. So, Charlie tells me you're a butcher. Let's talk meat. CHARLIE Dad, no one wants to talk shop. Especially butcher shop. STUART Come here. Stuart gets him in a half-Nelson. CHARLIE Ah! Dad, dad I have a back zit, man it kills. Charlie struggles to free himself. Stuart turns to greet Harriet. As he reaches out his hand. Totally instinctively, Harriet grabs Stuart's hand and twists it behind his back. Charlie is startled, as his date has just gotten Stuart into a Half-Nelson. HARRIET (releasing his hand) I'm sorry. I just... You just surprised me. I'm sorry. STUART I like this one Charlie. She's quite a filly. HARRIET I'm really embarrassed. STUART Don't be embarrassed about having a good strong butcher's grip. Do you link your own sausage? MAY Oh, ignore him. Come have a look at some photos of Charlie when he was a wee'n. CHARLIE Oh Mom, don't start with the pictures. MAY Ah, Charlie, lighten up. You've got a pickle up your ass. CHARLIE (whispering to Harriet) I'm gonna use the bathroom. You be okay alone with them? HARRIET (kissing) Fine. Don't worry about it. Hurry. They smile as he leaves the room. STUART Make sure there's paper, Charlie. Charlie picks up the pace, scared of what he might hear next. MAY Make sure you leave the seat down. CHARLIE (shutting her up) Ma, just show her the pictures. STUART And light a match. MAY (to Harriet) He always leaves the seat up. He's gotta learn. INT. BATHROOM AT PARENTS' - NIGHT He closes the door, and shakes his head. What can he do? Those are his parents. On the wall opposite the toilet is a well-used dart board with pictures of the Queen Mother and Colonel Sanders. Hooked to the magazine caddie is a small container of darts. INT. THE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT May excitedly shows Harriet family photo albums. MAY This is Charlie with his Uncle Ecky. He's a policeman in Canada. And our cousins Ruth and Jack. He's just got a restraining order from his wife. She's a lovely girl. This is Billy. He's a member of parliament. He drinks. HARRIET What a nice family you have. CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM He doesn't seem in any hurry to leave either. He listens through the door to Harriet enthusiastically looking through old photos. Charlie glances down at a stack of National Enquirers on the magazine rack. He flips through a few. He sees one of the absurd headlines: "ALIEN UFO SEX DIET" Charlie shakes his head. HARRIET (O.S.) (through door) Charlie was the cutest baby. STUART (O.S.) (through door) You okay in there, Charlie? You didn't fall in, did you? CHARLIE (through door) Jesus... Charlie then looks down at another article in the Enquirer and reads: "WHO'S NEXT FOR MRS. X - THE HONEYMOON KILLER?" It is the article about Mrs. X -- the axe-murderer who kills her husbands on their honeymoons and then marries again under a different identity. IN THE LIVING ROOM May is quickly flipping through a photo album, pointing out pictures of relatives as she goes: HARRIET I can't believe the resemblance between you and Charlie, Mrs. MacKenzie. INT. CHARLIE IN THE BATHROOM With Harriet speaking in the b.g., Charlie continues reading, now absorbed in the article about the 3 victims: HARRIET (O.S.) (through door) You have the same smile. It's so incredible. "VICTIM #1 - THE GERMAN MARTIAL ARTS EXPERT FROM MIAMI" "VICTIM #2 - THE LOUNGE SINGER FROM ATLANTIC CITY" "VICTIM #3 - THE SAN FRANCISCO PLUMBER - RALPH ELLIOT" INT. CHARLIE'S CAR - NIGHT - C.U. - HARRIET'S FACE Sitting in the front seat of Charlie's car, smiling, content, a great meal, a great night out with Charlie and a nice evening with his parents. Slowly PAN across the front seat to Charlie. A nervous anxious "what the hell am I getting myself into" look on his face. CHARLIE So, that was some move you put on my Dad, there. Did you study Karate, or...? HARRIET No. Not officially. I dated a guy for a while who ran a studio. CHARLIE Oh, the martial arts expert. The north-south guy. Here in San Francisco? HARRIET Actually, Miami. He looks straight ahead, trying to act unfazed. But, he's very phased -- his expression is covered in it. CHARLIE Was that before Atlantic City, or after? HARRIET Oh, that was years ago. Atlantic City was recent. I didn't care for Atlantic City. A town full of gamblers and lounge singers. He keeps driving. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Charlie walks through the precinct towards Tony's office, holding the National Enquirer in his hand. DESK SERGEANT Hey Charlie! CHARLIE Is Tony back there? The Sergeant nods and Charlie heads back to the office. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY CAPTAIN O.K., Tony. Do you have the K673 form completed yet, that street vendor incident on Powell Street? TONY (really bummed) Yes, Captain. CAPTAIN Tony, do you mind my saying that you seem a little down? TONY Captain. It's about my work. About being a policeman. CAPTAIN Tony, if there's anything wrong, I'm here to listen. TONY I know. And that's what's irritating, you're too nice. CAPTAIN Too nice!? TONY Yes, You're my captain for gods sakes. You should be constantly on my case, like the captain on Starsky and Hutch. Once a week you should routinely haul my ass into your office, accuse me of being a maverick and complain to me that you're sick and tired of defending my screwball antics to the commissioner. CAPTAIN Well, as you may know, Tony. I don't report to a commissioner. I report to a committee, some of whom are appointed, some elected and the remainder co-opted on a bi-annual basis. A quorum -- TONY Police work should be all about running around, following up crazy hunches that turn out to be right, going out on a limb. CAPTAIN Well Tony, I've never seen it that way. For me police work is all about following procedure and remaining accountable to the general public. TONY (exasperated) Captain! When I joined the police force, I thought I was going to be Serpico and unfortunately I ended up being Toma. I would have settled for Beretta. CAPTAIN That's interesting Tony. I'm perturbed that you should be so disillusioned. Charlie enters. CHARLIE Hey, Tony, I gotta talk to you. CAPTAIN Oh, hello, Charlie. Look, I'm in the way here. You guys probably have something you want to talk about, and Tony, if you've still got stuff you want to sort out, please, you know where the suggestion box is. The Captain exits. CHARLIE Nice guy. Hey, what's up? TONY I'm having doubts about being a cop again. It's not like how it is on cop shows. All I do is fill out papers and reports. CHARLIE Let me get this straight, your Captain hasn't threatened to have you up on charges so fast you won't know what hit you? TONY No! He's never once said to me that he was going to "throw the book at me so hard it'll knock my ass from here till Tuesday." Anyways what's up? Charlie pulls out the National Enquirer (the one on MRS. X, the Honeymoon Killer). CHARLIE Have you heard of this case? Mrs. X? She murders her husbands on their honeymoons and then changes her identity and marries again. TONY I never heard of it. So what? CHARLIE Curious, that's all. I read about it, and... (after a pause) I think I'm dating Mrs. X. TONY (after a pause) Two words, Charlie. Get therapy. They have doctors that deal specifically with this illness. CHARLIE Everything's adding up, Tony. One of the victims was a martial arts expert. Last night at dinner, she put a martial arts move on my dad. TONY There about twenty thousand people in San Francisco who are martial arts experts. Should I arrest all of them too? CHARLIE If they also say Ralph in their sleep I think it'd be a good start. (showing him paper) Ralph Elliot. A plumber from San Francisco. Missing since his honeymoon. TONY You're just getting scared. Like the dream, you feel Harriet could be the one, so you start to suspect her of things, 'cause deep down you're scared that if she is the one, you'll marry, and marriage to you is death. CHARLIE Hey, don't analyze my dreams, okay? They're my dreams. Analyze your own dreams. (a beat) It's not a marrying thing, Tony. It's a murdering thing. (showing him paper) Harriet lived in Atlantic City, right? Well so did this guy, right around the same time she left town. TONY (reading article) "Larry Leonard, a crooner who made a name for himself for being able to sing in six different languages the song "Only You". (putting paper down) Does she know the song "Only You?" CHARLIE I don't know. It hasn't come up yet. TONY Charlie, move past it. You're running your life by the National Enquirer. CHARLIE (defensively) What? It's the fifth highest circulating newspaper in the United States. (taking paper back) Mrs. X. Please. Look it up. COMPUTER ROOM AT POLICE STATION - MINUTES LATER Charlie and Tony are in the back with KATHY, a stocky black woman in uniform, who works in the files department. KATHY There's no record of any deaths. All three of these guys were reported missing around the time of their honeymoon, but so were the wives. No pictures of any of the brides. For all we know they just picked up and moved away. CHARLIE And Ralph Elliot, too? TONY Charlie, you're talking about three guys over a seven year span. That's hardly news. No deaths. Elopement in this state, as of this day, is still not illegal. CHARLIE (re: the article) Yeah well murder is. And this article says that these men were murdered by the same woman. KATHY Mr. MacKenzie, we've found that, most National Enquirer articles are actually based on our own police reports. They take the facts and fabricate a story around them. TONY It's true, Charlie. You gotta realize that. I mean, personally, I would lie to you, but Kathy... has this crazy notion of always telling the truth. (patting his back) You feel better now? CHARLIE It guess so. It's just... if I had a photo of Harriet, I could show it to the relatives or friends of Mrs. X's victims to identify her. TONY Charlie, listen to me! There is no Mrs. X! Drop it! Okay? INT. HALLWAY - HARRIET'S APARTMENT - EVENING Charlie knocks on the door. Rose answers. ROSE (thrilled) You're back. But Harriet's not here yet. CHARLIE Maybe I could wait. ROSE Sure. That would be fine. She then starts to slowly close the door. He props it open with his hand. CHARLIE Inside? I was hoping... ROSE (letting him in) I'm glad you asked. I didn't want to be so forward. I mean, if you're waiting inside, then you feel obligated to entertain me and keep up the conversation just to be polite, and really your head might be totally elsewhere and then there's the chance that you would really want to talk and it's me who'd be busy, but in an attempt not to be rude, I sit there and listen to some story that you don't really want to tell and I don't really have time to hear. You know? CHARLIE I couldn't agree with you more. ROSE I think about a lot of things. CHARLIE Look, if you have work to do, you go right ahead. ("ah, here's an angle") I mean, to tell you the truth, I'd love to see your work. ROSE Okay! What would you like me to do? CHARLIE No, I don't want to see you work. I was talking about your work. Your photographs. That one that I saw was so, wonderful, and... ROSE Harriet's far more talented than I am. CHARLIE Well, I'm sure it's so subjective anyway and... (out of patience) Rose, show me your photos. CLOSE ON PHOTOGRAPHS There are two kinds. Beautiful travel pictures and very erotic black and white portraits of young men and women. All with a slight sadomasochistic quality. At the bottom of every photo is says: "Seasons Greetings". CHARLIE Hey, these are some interesting photos here. Very impressive. Nice shots of Sauselito and... some good bondage shots. A lot of people wouldn't think to mix the two subjects, but they're really a natural together. (new thought) Hey, you wouldn't happen to have any pictures of Harriet by chance, would you? ROSE (re: her cards) Well, I don't think she'd wanna do this sort of... CHARLIE No, no, not that. Just, in general some photos. Any little snapshot would do. ROSE I doubt I'd have any. Harriet hates being photographed. The sound of a key in the door as Harriet enters the apartment. HARRIET (O.S.) Rose -- did I see Charlie's car out in front? ROSE We're in here, Harriet. HARRIET (walking in) What are you guys doing? CHARLIE (covering up) Oh, nothing. Just looking through some of Rose's work. ROSE ...Charlie wanted a photo of you. CHARLIE And that. That too. HARRIET Why of me, Charlie? CHARLIE Well, sentimental reasons. Something to remind me of you when we're not together. She takes him in her arms and gives him a knee buckling kiss. HARRIET There, can you remember that? CHARLIE Okay, it's just, I was gonna give one to my parents, too, and... (getting nowhere) Another time would be fine. It's hardly a matter of life and death. TV SET - PLAYING THE EVENING NEWS NEWS ANCHORMAN (ON TV) In the news tonight, regarding a Beverly Hills Jeweler, Morris Cohan, who died last week, police are now suspecting that Morris's partner, Lawrence Sachs, may have murdered him with an untraceable poison. Reveal: we are in... INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Charlie is on a Stair Master, as Harriet walks in wearing a robe. The TV is on in the b.g. CHARLIE Where you been? HARRIET Downstairs. I have a surprise for you. CHARLIE Great. I just wanna do a quick twenty minutes on the Stair Master before bed. Harriet drops her robe, and from over her shoulder we see that Charlie prefers what he sees to working out. CHARLIE I'll do forty tomorrow. HARRIET (getting into bed) I got something much healthier for you than that. She pulls out a milkshake from behind her back. CHARLIE What is it? HARRIET It's a health shake. Eggs, malt, cinnamon, oranges. It's great. I mixed it up downstairs. THE TV SET continues on about poisons and poisoners. Charlie glances at it. NEWS ANCHORMAN (ON TV) Poisoning has become the second leading method of murder in recent years, due to... Charlie watches the TV, looking a bit disturbed. Harriet offers him the shake. CHARLIE Oh, look, I'm full. Dinner and... No... HARRIET You'll like it Charlie. CHARLIE No, really, thanks. HARRIET (putting it up to his lips) You won't try it. I spent twenty minutes making it. He takes it. Lifts it to his mouth... then puts it on the table. CHARLIE (sniffing it) Ummm. Smells good. Maybe I'll take some to the office tomorrow. (running into bathroom) I'm gonna brush my teeth. Be right back. Charlie goes into the bathroom. CHARLIE'S BATHROOM Harriet comes into the bathroom and lays the empty glass down on the counter. HARRIET I'm gonna take a quick shower. Charlie notices the empty glass on the counter. CHARLIE Harriet, where did the shake go? HARRIET What do you care? I drank it. (getting into shower) You could have at least tried it. You make me feel bad sometimes, Charlie. I don't know why. With her in the shower, he sneaks back into the bedroom and checks the trash can. Nothing. Then he runs around the bed to the other trash can. Nothing. He looks thoroughly confused as she enter the bedroom, wearing a towel. She takes the towel off as she slips underneath the covers. He gets into bed next to her. She gives him a kiss. HARRIET Sorry. I'm a little sensitive. You didn't want to drink my milkshake. So what -- right? NEWS ANCHORMAN (ON TV) Regarding the murder between the two partners, we talked to Toxicologist Dr. Show on the issue. Charlie and Harriet are watching the news show. DOCTOR SHOW is patched in via the Anchorman's close circuit TV. NEWS ANCHORMAN (ON TV) Doctor, is it possible that one could be poisoned with no trace at all? DOCTOR SHOW (ON TV) Certainly. There are plants that grow very commonly in our own backyard that could easily be fermented into poison. Take for instance the... CHARLIE (getting nervous; blocking out TV) Harriet, why don't we shut the light off. NEWS ANCHORMAN (ON TV) Really? And how easy it that to do? DOCTOR (ON TV) Scarily enough, quite simple. You merely take the... CHARLIE (blocking out the TV again) Maybe we should turn the light back on. Yeah that's better. HARRIET Charlie, what's the matter? CHARLIE Nothing. HARRIET Charlie... CHARLIE Well, it's just... (re: the TV) The TV. You can't even watch the news these days without getting depressed. HARRIET I know, Charlie. And it's not just that. Look at the things people are doing. Partners killing each other... I mean, you hear a story like that, and... who can you really trust these days? CHARLIE What do you mean? HARRIET It's like, have you ever stood with someone at the edge of a cliff, or the edge of a subway platform, and you think, just for a split second, "What if I pushed him?" CHARLIE Well, I don't really take the subway ever, so... Charlie turns over on his side, she cuddles up behind him. HARRIET I'm just making a point of how many times we trust people with our lives. I mean, look at us. If you didn't trust me, you would never be able to fall asleep. CHARLIE Why do you say that? HARRIET Look at you, you're sleeping. Look how vulnerable you are. I mean, I could do anything at that point. CHARLIE (nervous) What could you do? HARRIET (sweet and innocent) Anything. You're lying on your side, asleep, I could... stick a needle in your ear. CHARLIE (grabbing his ear at the thought) Aahhh! HARRIET I'm just making a point of what a good relationship we have. Goodnight, sweetheart. He looks very uneasy. She kisses him and shuts off the light. The moon gives the room an eerie glow. HARRIET Well, good night. CHARLIE Good night. She doesn't close her eyes. He's scared to close his. Pause. CHARLIE Well... good night. HARRIET (smiling) Good night. They both look over at each other. She closes her eyes. He takes a deep breath and then closes his eyes. And covers his ear with his hand. INT. BART PLATFORM - DAY Charlie is on the crowded platform. Next to him is an old lady with a lot of shopping bags. Three kids on skateboards whiz by and accidentally knock bags out of her hands. Cat toys and cans of cat food go everywhere. Charlie bends down and starts to help her gather her stuff. LADY Thank you very much, young man. I've gotta get all this stuff back to my children. CHARLIE Your children? LADY When I say my children I mean my cats. You see my children moved out years ago, so all I've got is my cats. I have over one hundred of them. CHARLIE That's a lot of cats. HARRIET (O.S.) Charlie. Charlie looks up and sees Harriet waving to him from the subway stairs. He waves back and motions. "I'll be there in a second", and continues to help the old lady. She watches from the stairs. LADY You see this red toy? That's for the Captain, he's finicky. and this blue one? That's for Marco Polo. Two train headlights are seen off in the distance. CHARLIE Do you have a name for all of your cats? LADY Oh, yes. Charlie glances over at Harriet, who slowly makes her way down the platform towards him. LADY Let me see! There's Winston Churchill, Reda Sovine, Thomas Edison, Andrew Carnegie... The train is getting closer and closer, and so is Harriet. CHARLIE ...He was Scottish. Harriet moves forward a step, Charlie moves back a step. LADY Wasn't he Irish? As Harriet seems to get closer Charlie continues to back up, picking up cat toys. Charlie realizes he has no where else to turn. so he side steps down the platform, never stopping his conversation with the lady. CHARLIE Actually he was Scottish. Trust me, I know these things. Harriet is moving in on him. Charlie steadily makes his way down the platform, feigning accidentally kicking cat food down the platform. The old lady is unsure what is going on, she tries to keep up with him. LADY Now that you say it, he was Scotch. Charlie runs out of platform. Harriet is very close to him. The train is closer, so is Harriet. Charlie lets out a scream. CHARLIE Noooooo! Charlie is standing at the edge of the platform, Harriet is a good six or seven feet away as the train passes by. Charlie is safe. People are all staring at Charlie curiously, including Harriet and the old lady. Charlie is embarrassed. CHARLIE (embarrassed) Nooooooo, Scotch is a drink. Scots are a people. Sorry, that just always bugged me. No one knows what is going on. LADY I'm sorry, I didn't know it meant so much to you. CHARLIE Hi, Harriet. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE BUILDING - DAY INT. CHRONICLE ANNOUNCEMENTS DESK. WE SEE A LONG DESK WITH DIFFERENT SIGNS THAT READ; BIRTHS, DEATHS, AND MARRIAGES. We find Charlie at the marriage counter. ASSISTANT Yes, Sir, can I help you? CHARLIE I'd like to put in an announcement of my parents forty-fifth wedding anniversary. ASSISTANT Sure, it's $4.50 per word, and you've got a choice of standard or bold. CHARLIE Bold, and here, I've written it out. Charlie looks over to the deaths counter. He overhears two obituary assistants having a conversation. OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1 Hi, Frank, busy week? OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2 I've only got two. It's dead around here. Both assistants laugh. Charlie is mildly bemused. OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2 Well, I've got this one guy, a tourist. He had a heart attack on a cable car. OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1 Looks like he left his heart in San Francisco. MARRIAGE ASSISTANT Hey, that's a real person you're talking about. OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1 You're right, I'm sorry. OBITUARY ASSISTANT #2 Well, there's this other guy Elliot, Ralph. Plumber, disappeared four months ago. Body found in a sewer. (pause) OBITUARY ASSISTANT #1 (despite himself) I guess he took his work too seriously, and his life went down