SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Marilyn Suzanne Miller
A DARKENED LIVING ROOM, WITH SINGLE LANTERN-TYPE
LIGHT OF TYPE USED FOR CAMPING. GIRLS HUDDLED AROUND
MADELINE ON THE FLOOR WITH PILLOWS, BLANKETS,
SLEEPING BAGS, ETC. ASSORTED OLD PIZZA POXES, COKE
BOTTLES STREWN AROUND THEM.
...so then, the man gets bare naked in
bed with you and you both go to sleep
which is why they call it sleeping
together. Then you both wake up and
the man says, "Why don't you slip into
something more comfortable?"--no, wait,
maybe that comes before--it's not
important--and then the man says...
LIGHT GOES ON AT TOP OF STAIRCASE.
Gilda, it's five A.M. When does the
We're just going to sleep, Mother.
What are you talking about at this
Well, save it for the morning.
DOOR SLAMS. LIGHTS OUT.
(To Madeline, as if nothing
And then the man...
(Brings girls closer,
inaudible. We finally hear:)
...then the man...
...in you and then you scream and then
he screams and then it's over.
MOMENT OF SILENCE. THE GIRLS SIT THERE, SHOCKED AND
(Making throwing-up sounds,
pulling blanket up over
You lie, Madeline.
Cross my heart and hope to die. My
brother told me in my driveway.
Your brother lies, Madeline.
Come on. Isn't he the one who said if
you chew your nails and swallow them,
a hand will grow in your stomach?
Well, it's also true because I read it
in this book.
What'd it say?
It said, "The first step in human
reproduction is... the man...
(Hysterical, coming out
from under covers)
LARAINE, GILDA, AND JANE ALL DO FAKE THROWING UP.
Well, I just know it can't be true,
because nothing that sickening is true.
Boogers are true.
THE GIRLS ALL CONSIDER THIS FOR A MOMENT.
Well, I mainly don't believe it because
I heard from my sister about this girl
who this guy jumped out of the bushes
and forced to have a baby.
I don't know. I think he just said,
"Have a baby right now."
Oh, sure, Gilda. And you think that
would work if I tried it on you?
Hey, don't. O.K.?
Well, don't worry. Ot wouldn't because
that's not how it's done. How it's
done is... the man...
Don't say it again, O.K.? I just ate
half a pizza, O.K.?
So that's why people were born naked.
But how could you face the man after?
Wouldn't you be so embarrassed?
I'd have to kill myself right after. I
mean, I get embarrassed when I think
how people standing next to me can see
inside my ear.
Well, that's why you should only do it
after you're married. Because then you
won't be so embarrassed in front of
your husband after, because you're
both in the same family.
Oh, well, I really want to get married
But the worst thing is--your parents
do it, you know?
Gilda, think: none of us would be here
unless our parents did it at least
MOMENT OF SILENCE. THEY ALL CONSIDER THE HORROR OF
My parents did it at least twice. I
have a sister.
And my parents did it at least three
times. I have a sister and a brother.
THEY ALL TURN TO GIVE HER A "YOU'RE DIRT" LOOK.
But, like, I know they didn't do it
because they wanted to. They did it
because they had to. To have children.
They could have adopted children.
Yeah, but adopted children are a pain.
You have to teach them how to look
Well, my father would never do anything
like that to my mother. He's too polite.
My father's polite, and we have six
He's obviously not as polite as you
THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER.
I wonder whose idea this was.
Oh, come on. God doesn't go around
thinking up sickening things like this
for people to do.
Maybe God just wants you to do it so
you'll appreciate how good the rest of
your life is.
How long does it take?
Stupid! That depends on how big the
girl's stomach is and how fast she can
Can you talk during it?
You have to hold your breath or else
it doesn't work.
VARIOUS VOMIT-SOUNDING SHRIEKS, SCREAMS, ETC.
Well, I'm just telling my husband I'm
not going to do it.
What if he says he'll get divorced
from you if you didn't do it?
THE GIRLS CONSIDER THIS.
I would never marry someone like that.
What if you did by accident? What if...
(making up story)
...you met him in a war and married
him real fast because you felt sorry
for him since he'd probably get killed
only he didn't and then you were stuck
(Moved by emergency)
Look--let's make a pact right now that
after we get married, if our husbands
make us do it, we'll call each other
on the phone every day and talk a lot
to keep our minds off it, like our
Right, because it's disgusting.
LARAINE MAKES SAME THROW-UP SOUND. DUCKS UNDER
Well, don't worry, we'll never have to
keep this pact, because I'll never do
THERE IS A BEAT.
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