"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

"Slumber Party"

By

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

CAST

JANE CURTIN
MADELINE KAHN
LARAINE NEWMAN
GILDA RADNER



A DARKENED LIVING ROOM, WITH SINGLE LANTERN-TYPE
LIGHT OF TYPE USED FOR CAMPING. GIRLS HUDDLED AROUND
MADELINE ON THE FLOOR WITH PILLOWS, BLANKETS,
SLEEPING BAGS, ETC. ASSORTED OLD PIZZA POXES, COKE
BOTTLES STREWN AROUND THEM.

MADELINE

(enormously confidential)

...so then, the man gets bare naked in

bed with you and you both go to sleep

which is why they call it sleeping

together. Then you both wake up and

the man says, "Why don't you slip into

something more comfortable?"--no, wait,

maybe that comes before--it's not

important--and then the man says...

LIGHT GOES ON AT TOP OF STAIRCASE.

MOTHER'S VOICE

Gilda, it's five A.M. When does the

noise stop?

GILDA

We're just going to sleep, Mother.

MOTHER'S VOICE

What are you talking about at this

hour?

GILDA

School!

MOTHER'S VOICE

Well, save it for the morning.

DOOR SLAMS. LIGHTS OUT.

JANE

(To Madeline, as if nothing

has happened)

And then the man...

MADELINE

Anyway...

(Brings girls closer,

whispers something

inaudible. We finally hear:)

...then the man...

(Whispers)

...in you and then you scream and then

he screams and then it's over.

MOMENT OF SILENCE. THE GIRLS SIT THERE, SHOCKED AND
HORRIFIED.

LARAINE

(Making throwing-up sounds,

pulling blanket up over

her head)

That's disgusting!

GILDA

You lie, Madeline.

MADELINE

Cross my heart and hope to die. My

brother told me in my driveway.

GILDA

Your brother lies, Madeline.

MADELINE

No, sir.

JANE

Come on. Isn't he the one who said if

you chew your nails and swallow them,

a hand will grow in your stomach?

MADELINE

Well, it's also true because I read it

in this book.

JANE

What'd it say?

MADELINE

It said, "The first step in human

reproduction is... the man...

(Whispers)

LARAINE

(Hysterical, coming out

from under covers)

It's disgusting!

LARAINE, GILDA, AND JANE ALL DO FAKE THROWING UP.

MADELINE

It's true.

JANE

Well, I just know it can't be true,

because nothing that sickening is true.

MADELINE

Boogers are true.

THE GIRLS ALL CONSIDER THIS FOR A MOMENT.

GILDA

Well, I mainly don't believe it because

I heard from my sister about this girl

who this guy jumped out of the bushes

and forced to have a baby.

MADELINE

(Smugly)

How?

GILDA

I don't know. I think he just said,

"Have a baby right now."

MADELINE

Oh, sure, Gilda. And you think that

would work if I tried it on you?

GILDA

(Scared)

Hey, don't. O.K.?

MADELINE

Well, don't worry. Ot wouldn't because

that's not how it's done. How it's

done is... the man...

LARAINE

Don't say it again, O.K.? I just ate

half a pizza, O.K.?

GILDA

(Thoughtfully)

So that's why people were born naked.

JANE

Yeah.

LARAINE

But how could you face the man after?

Wouldn't you be so embarrassed?

JANE

I'd have to kill myself right after. I

mean, I get embarrassed when I think

how people standing next to me can see

inside my ear.

MADELINE

Well, that's why you should only do it

after you're married. Because then you

won't be so embarrassed in front of

your husband after, because you're

both in the same family.

LARAINE

Oh, well, I really want to get married

now. Not.

MADELINE

But the worst thing is--your parents

do it, you know?

GILDA

Come on!

MADELINE

Gilda, think: none of us would be here

unless our parents did it at least

once.

MOMENT OF SILENCE. THEY ALL CONSIDER THE HORROR OF
THIS.

JANE

(horrorized)

My parents did it at least twice. I

have a sister.

GILDA

(Greater horror)

And my parents did it at least three

times. I have a sister and a brother.

THEY ALL TURN TO GIVE HER A "YOU'RE DIRT" LOOK.

GILDA

But, like, I know they didn't do it

because they wanted to. They did it

because they had to. To have children.

MADELINE

(Accusing)

They could have adopted children.

GILDA

Yeah, but adopted children are a pain.

You have to teach them how to look

like you.

LARAINE

Well, my father would never do anything

like that to my mother. He's too polite.

MADELINE

My father's polite, and we have six

kids.

LARAINE

He's obviously not as polite as you

think.

THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER.

JANE

I wonder whose idea this was.

MADELINE

(Offhand)

God's.

JANE

Oh, come on. God doesn't go around

thinking up sickening things like this

for people to do.

GILDA

Maybe God just wants you to do it so

you'll appreciate how good the rest of

your life is.

JANE

Maybe.

LARAINE

(To Madeline)

How long does it take?

MADELINE

Stupid! That depends on how big the

girl's stomach is and how fast she can

digest.

GILDA

Oh.

JANE

Can you talk during it?

MADELINE

You have to hold your breath or else

it doesn't work.

VARIOUS VOMIT-SOUNDING SHRIEKS, SCREAMS, ETC.

JANE

Well, I'm just telling my husband I'm

not going to do it.

(To heaven)

Tough beansies.

MADELINE

What if he says he'll get divorced

from you if you didn't do it?

THE GIRLS CONSIDER THIS.

JANE

I would never marry someone like that.

MADELINE

What if you did by accident? What if...

(making up story)

...you met him in a war and married

him real fast because you felt sorry

for him since he'd probably get killed

only he didn't and then you were stuck

with him?

GILDA

(Moved by emergency)

Look--let's make a pact right now that

after we get married, if our husbands

make us do it, we'll call each other

on the phone every day and talk a lot

to keep our minds off it, like our

mothers do.

JANE

Right.

MADELINE

Right.

LARAINE

Right, because it's disgusting.

LARAINE MAKES SAME THROW-UP SOUND. DUCKS UNDER
COVERS.

JANE

Well, don't worry, we'll never have to

keep this pact, because I'll never do

it.

GILDA

Me, neither.

MADELINE

Me, neither.

THERE IS A BEAT.

LARAINE

(Quietly)

I might.

FADE

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