SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE "Slumber Party" By Marilyn Suzanne Miller CAST JANE CURTIN MADELINE KAHN LARAINE NEWMAN GILDA RADNER A DARKENED LIVING ROOM, WITH SINGLE LANTERN-TYPE LIGHT OF TYPE USED FOR CAMPING. GIRLS HUDDLED AROUND MADELINE ON THE FLOOR WITH PILLOWS, BLANKETS, SLEEPING BAGS, ETC. ASSORTED OLD PIZZA POXES, COKE BOTTLES STREWN AROUND THEM. MADELINE (enormously confidential) ...so then, the man gets bare naked in bed with you and you both go to sleep which is why they call it sleeping together. Then you both wake up and the man says, "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?"--no, wait, maybe that comes before--it's not important--and then the man says... LIGHT GOES ON AT TOP OF STAIRCASE. MOTHER'S VOICE Gilda, it's five A.M. When does the noise stop? GILDA We're just going to sleep, Mother. MOTHER'S VOICE What are you talking about at this hour? GILDA School! MOTHER'S VOICE Well, save it for the morning. DOOR SLAMS. LIGHTS OUT. JANE (To Madeline, as if nothing has happened) And then the man... MADELINE Anyway... (Brings girls closer, whispers something inaudible. We finally hear:) ...then the man... (Whispers) ...in you and then you scream and then he screams and then it's over. MOMENT OF SILENCE. THE GIRLS SIT THERE, SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED. LARAINE (Making throwing-up sounds, pulling blanket up over her head) That's disgusting! GILDA You lie, Madeline. MADELINE Cross my heart and hope to die. My brother told me in my driveway. GILDA Your brother lies, Madeline. MADELINE No, sir. JANE Come on. Isn't he the one who said if you chew your nails and swallow them, a hand will grow in your stomach? MADELINE Well, it's also true because I read it in this book. JANE What'd it say? MADELINE It said, "The first step in human reproduction is... the man... (Whispers) LARAINE (Hysterical, coming out from under covers) It's disgusting! LARAINE, GILDA, AND JANE ALL DO FAKE THROWING UP. MADELINE It's true. JANE Well, I just know it can't be true, because nothing that sickening is true. MADELINE Boogers are true. THE GIRLS ALL CONSIDER THIS FOR A MOMENT. GILDA Well, I mainly don't believe it because I heard from my sister about this girl who this guy jumped out of the bushes and forced to have a baby. MADELINE (Smugly) How? GILDA I don't know. I think he just said, "Have a baby right now." MADELINE Oh, sure, Gilda. And you think that would work if I tried it on you? GILDA (Scared) Hey, don't. O.K.? MADELINE Well, don't worry. Ot wouldn't because that's not how it's done. How it's done is... the man... LARAINE Don't say it again, O.K.? I just ate half a pizza, O.K.? GILDA (Thoughtfully) So that's why people were born naked. JANE Yeah. LARAINE But how could you face the man after? Wouldn't you be so embarrassed? JANE I'd have to kill myself right after. I mean, I get embarrassed when I think how people standing next to me can see inside my ear. MADELINE Well, that's why you should only do it after you're married. Because then you won't be so embarrassed in front of your husband after, because you're both in the same family. LARAINE Oh, well, I really want to get married now. Not. MADELINE But the worst thing is--your parents do it, you know? GILDA Come on! MADELINE Gilda, think: none of us would be here unless our parents did it at least once. MOMENT OF SILENCE. THEY ALL CONSIDER THE HORROR OF THIS. JANE (horrorized) My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister. GILDA (Greater horror) And my parents did it at least three times. I have a sister and a brother. THEY ALL TURN TO GIVE HER A "YOU'RE DIRT" LOOK. GILDA But, like, I know they didn't do it because they wanted to. They did it because they had to. To have children. MADELINE (Accusing) They could have adopted children. GILDA Yeah, but adopted children are a pain. You have to teach them how to look like you. LARAINE Well, my father would never do anything like that to my mother. He's too polite. MADELINE My father's polite, and we have six kids. LARAINE He's obviously not as polite as you think. THEY GLARE AT EACH OTHER. JANE I wonder whose idea this was. MADELINE (Offhand) God's. JANE Oh, come on. God doesn't go around thinking up sickening things like this for people to do. GILDA Maybe God just wants you to do it so you'll appreciate how good the rest of your life is. JANE Maybe. LARAINE (To Madeline) How long does it take? MADELINE Stupid! That depends on how big the girl's stomach is and how fast she can digest. GILDA Oh. JANE Can you talk during it? MADELINE You have to hold your breath or else it doesn't work. VARIOUS VOMIT-SOUNDING SHRIEKS, SCREAMS, ETC. JANE Well, I'm just telling my husband I'm not going to do it. (To heaven) Tough beansies. MADELINE What if he says he'll get divorced from you if you didn't do it? THE GIRLS CONSIDER THIS. JANE I would never marry someone like that. MADELINE What if you did by accident? What if... (making up story) ...you met him in a war and married him real fast because you felt sorry for him since he'd probably get killed only he didn't and then you were stuck with him? GILDA (Moved by emergency) Look--let's make a pact right now that after we get married, if our husbands make us do it, we'll call each other on the phone every day and talk a lot to keep our minds off it, like our mothers do. JANE Right. MADELINE Right. LARAINE Right, because it's disgusting. LARAINE MAKES SAME THROW-UP SOUND. DUCKS UNDER COVERS. JANE Well, don't worry, we'll never have to keep this pact, because I'll never do it. GILDA Me, neither. MADELINE Me, neither. THERE IS A BEAT. LARAINE (Quietly) I might. FADE