"M*A*S*H" Screenplay by Ring Lardner Jr. Based on the novel by Richard Hooker Final Draft February 26, 1969 FADE IN: EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH – DAY Our attention is concentrated on a sign reading: "THIS IS WHERE IT IS – PARALLEL 38." Below these words, arrows point to "NORTH KOREA" in one direction, "SOUTH KOREA" in opposite one. Two Air Rescue helicopters are coming in low from the north, descending to a point just outside the entrance to the hospital Admitting Ward. Transferring our attention to the helicopters, our gaze goes from the first sign to a second one, on which all we can read at first are the very large letters: "M-A-S-H." Moving closer to the helicopters as they hit the ground, we can make out the rest of the sign. Above the four large letters it says: "4077TH," and then we see there is the remainder of a word following each of the large letters, but in much smaller print, so that "M-A-S-H" becomes "Mobile Army Surgical Hospital." The helicopters land and enlisted men of the U.S. Army Medical Corps Carry two wounded soldiers from each into the Admitting Ward. LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE, a permanent member of the Medical Corps and Commanding Officer of the 4077th, watches grimly as the wounded are borne from the helicopters into his hospital. CORPORAL "RADAR" O'REILLY, with a long thin neck, large ears and a knack for anticipating his Colonel's wishes, moves up close behind him. HENRY (loudly) O'Reilly! RADAR (at his side) Yes, sir? HENRY Dammit, Radar, wait till I call you! Tell Major Burns... RADAR One of the surgeons from the day shift will have to stay on duty tonight? HENRY Yes, dammit, and... He interrupts himself, frightened by the intense expression on Radar's face. The Corporal's head is turning back and forth like an actual radar receiver, monitoring the northern horizon where the valley of a river meanders between mountainous ridges. HENRY O'Reilly, what is it? (appalled at the thought) There aren't more choppers coming? RADAR I'm afraid so, Colonel. HENRY We've got too many wounded for us to handle now! Get on the phone right away and... RADAR Yes, sir, I'll see if I can reach General Hammond in Seoul for you. You think he'll finally break down and give us two more surgeons? The DISTANT SOUND of more HELICOPTERS becomes faintly audible to the normal human ear, and a moment later one appears over a ridge. TIME LAPSE: EXT. MOTOR POOL AND RAILROAD DEPOT – 325TH EVACUATION HOSPITAL – YONG-DONG-PA – DAY Two officers come from opposite directions toward a Jeep, each carrying a Valpac and trailing a barracks bag. Though they still wear such later-to-be-discarded refinements as captain's bars on their caps and overcoats, they are far from West Point standards in dress and manner. DUKE, 29, is still solidly built like the fullback he once was. HAWKEYE, 28, a former end, is taller and rangier, wears glasses. Their accents, Georgia and Maine respectively, are in sharp contrast. A MOTOR POOL SARGEANT who has driven the Jeep up climbs out. MOTOR POOL DRIVER You the guys going to the 4077th? DUKE I'm one of 'em. HAWKEYE (state of Maine affirmative) Ayuh. I'm the other then. As they stow their gear in the back of the Jeep. MOTOR POOL SARGEANT Lots of luck. He leaves. HAWKEYE My name's Hawkeye Pierce. DUKE Duke Forrest. Hawkeye takes the driver's seat. Duke, getting into the right- hand side, has no objection, just a question. DUKE You got directions? HAWKEYE Ayuh, only it's early, I need a drink to wake me up. DUKE I got some. He turns around and opens his barracks bag, where he finds a pint bottle conveniently located near the top. HAWKEYE Make it yourself, or is it real? DUKE Georgia, where I come from, it's real if you make it yourself. But I been buying from the Yankee Government since they put me in this soldier suit and give me a rate. HAWKEYE Tax-free booze. It's about all you can say for army life. DUKE (passing bottle) Where you from with that crazy way of talking? HAWKEYE Crabapple Cove. Maine. DUKE Damn! That must be about as far north as you can get. HAWKEYE Pretty near. What do you know about the outfit we're going to? DUKE C.O. is Colonel Blake. Lieutenant Colonel Henry Braymore Blake. One of them regular army clowns. Push you around so it's hard to get any decent work done. HAWKEYE We got to head them off, right at the start. Push them around first. They have exchanged the bottle a couple of times. In the act of raising it to his mouth, Hawkeye looks toward the hospital doorway. HAWKEYE I think we already caught their eye. Two MPs have emerged from the hospital administration offices and are heading toward them. Hawkeye goes into action quickly, starting the Jeep engine. DUKE What's the initials 'MP' stand for, Hawkeye? HAWKEYE Shore Patrol, Duke. Let's go! The Jeep starts off at its maximum takeoff speed and accelerates dangerously as it careens out of the hospital grounds. TIME LAPSE: EXT. ROAD NEAR OUIJONGBU – DAY Hawkeye and Duke are driving the Jeep along the muddy road – they come upon a sign which fills a large part of the screen: "Last chance before Peking". A short distance behind the sign, it is now revealed are three parked U.S. Army trucks, in front of which parades a group of Korean prostitutes from fourteen to forty-five. Despite the autumn weather, their costumes, mixed American mail order and Korean, are chosen for seductive appeal rather than warmth. HAWKEYE Must be the Famous Curb Service Whore – (pronounced 'howah') House. You in the market Duke? DUKE (in negation) I done my shopping in Seoul last night. They now have a fairly clear view of a GI and a Korean female lying in tight formation in the bed on one of the trucks, their activity only partially concealed by a blanket. DUKE Curb service is right. TIME LAPSE: EXT. APPROACH TO 4077TH MASH – DAY Hawkeye stops the Jeep as they come to a place in the road where they can get a downward look at their future home. The river valley in which the 4077th Mash is situated is almost surrounded by mountains. The components of the post are spread out in a rough horseshoe with a large compound of level ground in the middle. At the closed end of the horseshoe is the main hospital building, made of wood with a tin roof marked by a large red cross; everything else is canvas. To the left of the main building are strung out the Admitting Ward, Laboratory, Dental Clinic, Mess Hall, PX, Showers Tent, Barber Tent and the Enlisted Men's Tents. On the right side are the Postop Ward, Officers' Tents, Nurses' Tents, Korean Domestics' Tents and finally, the Officers' Club. In the f.g., from Duke and Hawkeye's angle are four helicopters belonging to the 5th Air Rescue Squadron, and the signs we have already seen marking the post and the 38th Parallel. HAWKEYE Well, there it is. Jesus! DUKE The spot we picked to spend the winter. Maybe we ought to look a little harder. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: INT. MASH MESS HALL – DAY As Hawkeye and Duke enter. The large tent has two floor levels separated by a railing into a section for officers and one for enlisted men, the two groups being much closer to numerical equality here than in an ordinary military installation. There is a further voluntary piece of segregation within the officers' section: the men – medical officers plus a couple of administrative officers and a helicopter pilot – are at one long, rectangular table; the nurses, ranging in rank from second lieutenant to captain, at another. Hawkeye starts to lead the way to an empty table in the officers' section, but Duke calls his attention to the outstanding feature of the nurses' table: LIEUTENANT DISH, 24, blonde and clearly, even in her winter fatigues, the sexiest looking nurse in military history. DUKE What do you think of that piece of scenery, Yankee boy? HAWKEYE Finest kind. We'll sit where we can get the best view. Accordingly, they select seats close to the nurses and facing the Lieutenant. Some personnel are on duty in the hospital during this lunch period, but beside Dish, two of the following three nurses with whom we will become acquainted are present here: KNOCKO, who is black, a captain in her thirties, solidly built, very strong and very competent in her job; LESLIE, also a captain, not more than thirty, bright, attractive, cheerful, the kind of girl that brings out the latent male matrimonial instinct but who, strangely, is treated as inviolate by the by the sex-starved men of the post; and LIEUTENANT SCORCH, who can't match Dish or Leslie by physical standards but has the asset of instant availability. A Korean boy, not yet of military age, in green fatigue pants and an off-white coat, appears promptly and heaps Duke and Hawkeye's plates with food. Duke is hungry enough to turn his whole attention to the meal, but Hawkeye is unable to keep his eyes off Lieutenant Dish while eating. Thus neither of them is aware of the attention they are getting from the male officers' group, which includes HENRY, a couple of medical captains named MURRHARDT and BANDINI; DAGO RED (officially, Father John Patrick Mulcahy, red-haired Catholic Chaplain of the area) and the PAINLESS POLE (Captain Walter Zaldowski, Dental Officer), both in their thirties; and CAPTAIN UGLY JOHN BLACK, an Australian anesthesiologist. There is also curiosity about the newcomers from the unlisted men's section, where we see among others RADAR; VOLLMER, Henry's overweight Sargeant Major; CORPORAL JUDSON, young, black and fresh from Mississippi; PRIVATE BOONE, who looks too young and nervous to be in any man's army; and PFC SEIDMAN, whose first trip out of New York has taken him halfway around the world. Henry, who alone has reason to be personally affronted by Duke and Hawkeye's unmilitary behavior, gets up and crosses to where they are sitting. HENRY I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows just passing through? HAWKEYE Nope, we're assigned heah. With which reminder we will abandon all indications of the Maine accent. DUKE Y'all were short a couple cutters and we're what the Army sent. HENRY Don't you know the first thing you're supposed to do at a new post is present yourself to the commanding officer with your orders? DUKE Reckon so, but we been boozing all day and you work up an appetite. HENRY (taking out orders and handing Duke a copy) You're welcome to one of these, whatever they are. DUKE (finding his orders) They give you copies to burn. Henry scans both papers to find what he considers the most important part. There is a RUMBLE OF ARTILLERY in the distance. HENRY Good. You've both been working close to the front. DUKE (listening to artillery) Never this close. HENRY They've hit us on Cherry Hill. I just got word. We have our slack periods but when the action starts, you'll have more work in twelve hours than a civilian surgeon does in a week. HAWKEYE Colonel Blake, have no fear. Hawkeye and Duke are here. DUKE (to Henry) That's right, pal. You just sit up front and sign the mail, and leave the cutting to us. HENRY I may need you to go to work practically immediately. But meanwhile perhaps you'd like to meet some of your fellow officers. DUKE Just one for a start. HAWKEYE The blonde dish. HENRY If you mean... (looking toward Lieutenant Dish) She is a lieutenant in the Army Nursing Corps, Captain. HAWKEYE Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess she's already... involved with somebody here. HENRY They've all tried. Nobody's got to first base. He is interrupted by the fact that Dish and Knocko have risen from their table and are passing right by them on their way to the door. The Lieutenant has just as nice a walk as you would hope for, and the men's eyes follow her till she is again out of hearing distance. HAWKEYE Why bother with first base? I'd go right for the home run. The Painless Pole and Dago Red have come over. DAGO RED This the new talent, Henry? HENRY Captain Pierce, Captain Forrest... Father Mulcahy, the Catholic Chaplain of the area, and Captain Waldowski, our Dental Officer. PAINLESS Better known as Painless Pole. Murrhardt and Bandini come over and all ADLIB introductions – asking each other their backgrounds, etc. BANDINI We all call him Dago Red. DUKE I'm Duke and he's Hawkeye. PAINLESS Glad to know you. Drop in at my clinic anytime you feel like playing a little poker, or even if a tooth is bothering you. HAWKEYE Poker sounds great. When do you play? MURRHARDT He said anytime. Day and night, seven days a week. The players change but the game never stops. HENRY (to Hawkeye and Duke) You'll be living with Major Burns. O'Reilly! Before his name is uttered, Radar has already risen from the enlisted men's group, and is now at Henry's side. RADAR Sir? HENRY Don't do that, Radar! You make me nervous. RADAR Sir? HENRY Don't come so quickly when I call. I want you to take these officers... RADAR To Major Burns' tent. Yes, sir. HENRY Stop that, O'Rielly! RADAR Sir? HENRY Oh, get out of here! RADAR Yes, Colonel. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: EXT. / INT. "THE SWAMP" (PRESENTLY FRANK'S TENT) – DAY Hawkeye and Duke drag their bags from the Jeep, which Radar drives away. They look over their new residence, a standard army tent, square with peaked roof, a wooden door attached to the canvas. Then as they approach it, they become aware of a youthful Korean voice reading, in heavily accented English, words that have no meaning for the speaker. HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.) 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... ' DUKE Jesus Christ! HAWKEYE One of his ancestors, I think. HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.) 'I shall fear no evil for Thou art with me...' They open the door of the tent and go in. There are three canvas cots with sleeping bags on them, a plank floor, an oil stove, electric light, a few crude shelves, one table and one chair plus assorted crates serving as same. MAJOR FRANK BURNS, 35, from Wisconsin, is sitting on one of the two more favorably situated cots listening to HO-JON, a Korean boy of 16, read from the Bible. He corrects the word that has given Ho-Jon the most trouble. FRANK Thou. For Thou art with me. (sees Duke and Hawkeye, jumps up) Welcome, welcome, welcome! DUKE What the hell's going on here? FRANK This is Ho-Jon, my houseboy. Our houseboy. I'm teaching him English. DUKE Where's he gonna use that kind of talk? 'The valley of the shadow of death.' Wait a minute, Ho-Jon... (rummages in barracks bag) I got something for you. He takes out sex magazine, gives it to Ho-Jon in such a way that we see the nude on the cover, but Frank doesn't. DUKE (to Frank) Little light reading matter. Just right for his age. HAWKEYE (to Duke) Well, southern boy, I suppose you want the sack that's convenient to the door. DUKE And gets the wind every time it opens. No, thanks. I'll take that one. He indicates the unoccupied cot which, like Frank's, is at the rear of the tent with the stove between it and the front door. Hawkeye shrugs and reaches into his barracks bag. HAWKEYE Let's choose for it. (finds baseball bat, hands it to Duke) You toss. Duke tosses the bat vertically in the air. As it comes down Hawkeye grabs it expertly at the tape with his left hand. Duke puts his left hand above that, and Duke is left with his right hand waving in the air with nothing to grab. HAWKEYE (to Ho-Jon) Part of your education. Always use your own bat. He tosses Valpac onto the desired cot. TIME LAPSE: INT. ADMITTING WARD – NIGHT It's pretty full already and more wounded are being brought in by corpsmen. In contrast to the opening scene, where the casualties were a generalized fact seen at a distance, in this scene they are viewed individually and at close range, and the effect, both on the eye and the ear, is almost unbearable. Hawkeye, in a white gown as are all the surgeons and nurses, moves from a patient he has just examined to one who is letting out a number of unintelligible SOUNDS mixed in with such clear and frequently repeated words as "Christ," "Mother," "God damn" and "Please." As Hawkeye approaches, Lieutenant Scorch removes enough of the bandaging done in the field to display an abdomen with part of its contents on the outside. HAWKEYE Two-man job. How much blood has he had? LIEUTENANT SCORCH Second pint. HAWKEYE Duke... Duke has just examined a patient. He takes a step towards Hawkeye. HAWKEYE This kid's ready but we won't know all the damage till we get in and see what's happened. What have you got? DUKE Nothing can't wait. Shall we check it out with the Major? He indicates a Major who is standing a short distance away, looking like a boss but not actually doing anything. Also in Admitting Ward are, Murrhardt, Lieutenant Dish, PFC Seidman, Corporal Judson. HAWKEYE Naw, I already found out. The only thing he doesn't like about being in charge is making decisions. TIME LAPSE: INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT NOTE: All principal cast should be available for all operating scenes. There are three operations going on at once. Here all personnel wear white caps and masks and it is hard to identify individuals except that at close range we can distinguish Hawkeye by his glasses and Duke by his eyes and his build. They are working together with great efficiency and an instinctive collaboration that seems to require no verbal exchange. What we see them do, without necessarily recognizing the portion of anatomy involved, is to cut out a section of bowel damaged by a shell fragment, and start sewing the divided ends together. TIME LAPSE: INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT Hawkeye and Duke are working together on the last stages of a leg amputation. This time there is no doubt about the surgical process we are watching; we see the almost severed leg and the process of controlling bleeding; then the limb is actually separated from its stump and handed by Duke to a corpsman. Hawkeye speaks to the nurse standing behind him. HAWKEYE Hot pack. Watching her dip the pack into a warm solution and wring it out, he recognizes, despite cap and mask, that it is Lieutenant Dish. His eyes linger on hers for a brief moment. TIME LAPSE: EXT. OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT Lieutenant Dish comes out of the Operating Room, tears in her eyes, trying to control her sobs, and moves just outside the circle of light from the fixture over the entrance. There, no longer under observation, she lets herself cry. Hawkeye comes out the door, registers surprise at the sight of her just as if he hadn't followed her out. He moves to her side and puts a comforting arm around her. She looks up just long enough to see who it is, then buries her head on his shoulder as his other arm goes around her. LIEUTENANT DISH Isn't this ridiculous, Doctor? Six months I've been here and there are still times when I can't stand it. I just go to pieces. HAWKEYE There's nothing ridiculous about it. (turns her face up to his) A kid like you... She doesn't move her head from the way he has arranged it, and her lips are very close to his. He kisses her and it turns out, from the ardent way she responds, that's what she wanted him to do. LIEUTENANT DISH Thank you, Captain Pierce. (her voice full of need) It's been so long. HAWKEYE No trouble at all. (then) Hawkeye. LIEUTENANT DISH How did you get called that? HAWKEYE 'The Last of the Mohicans.' Only book my father ever read. He kisses her again and again she clings to him. LIEUTENANT DISH You're getting a workout, you and Captain Forrest, your first night. HAWKEYE It isn't always this rough? LIEUTENANT DISH Oh, no. We have dull stretches every week or so, thank God, when there's nothing to do after midnight. HAWKEYE They don't have to be dull. I mean if you and me put our minds together... LIEUTENANT DISH Our minds? HAWKEYE For a start. I just have a hunch... well, it isn't entirely a hunch... LIEUTENANT DISH You're an attractive man. HAWKEYE You have a certain modest charm yourself. LIEUTENANT DISH (continuing her own thoughts) But I'm married. HAWKEYE Something else we have in common. LIEUTENANT DISH Very happily married. HAWKEYE Same here. LIEUTENANT DISH And absolutely determined to be faithful to my husband. Do we have that in common, Captain? HAWKEYE It's a matter of definition. Faithful in spirit, yes. LIEUTENANT DISH I don't make the distinction. But the sex urge is a powerful force. In women just as much as men. HAWKEYE Ayuh. LIEUTENANT DISH You'd think now, with only six weeks before they ship me back home, it would be easier. But it isn't. HAWKEYE Of course not. LIEUTENANT DISH It's terribly hard. Sometimes the temptation is just too much. HAWKEYE Then why not, as long as it wouldn't hurt anybody...? LIEUTENANT DISH (not hearing him, just continuing her own thought) But you've made me feel strong again, Captain. Hawkeye. (smiling, tears gone, ready to return to work) You helped me pull together when I needed it. With a grateful look at him, she goes back inside. Hawkeye contemplates the accomplishment she has credited him with, and finds it appalling. INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT Hawkeye and Duke are working across the table from each other again, this time inside a man's chest, stopping a hemorrhage and debriding the wound. DUKE Now that's what I call real pretty. We can close up here and go into his belly. HAWKEYE He can't take much more time on the table. DUKE So we got to cut him fast. I figure from the X-ray it ain't just the spleen. We also got to snatch his right kidney. EXT. MASH COMPOUND – MORNING Wearing fatigues now, Hawkeye and Duke are making their weary way from the hospital to their tent after a night's work. There is an announcement coming over the post-wide public address system, but it doesn't concern them. SARGEANT VOLLMER'S VOICE (over P.A.) Captain Murrhardt, please report to the Colonel's office at the earliest opportunity. Captain Murrhardt. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: INT. THE SWAMP – MORNING Ho-Jon throws a match into the oil stove, but it doesn't work. He looks into it, strikes another match, and this time it lights up so quickly he is almost singed by the flame. Hawkeye and Duke open the door and come in. Ho-Jon straightens and bows. HO-JON Good morning, Captain Pierce and Captain Forrest. HAWKEYE You can cut the bow. HO-JON I have not understood what you means. HAWKEYE (demonstrating bow) That. It's out of the act. He and Duke remove their outer clothing during the ensuing: HO-JON Because is not democrash? All peoples created equal? DUKE Hey, you been sneaking some reading outside the frigging Bible! HO-JON I have great interest for America, his peoples and his custom. DUKE Good, because we got a fine old American custom we want to teach you. You know what these are? He gives Ho-Jon two bottles. The boy looks at the labels. HO-JON Gin. I know, yes. (reads other label) Dry... (has trouble with the word) ...vermouth. EXT. MASH COMPOUND – MORNING Frank walks toward the tent from the direction of the hospital. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: INT. THE SWAMP – MORNING Frank opens the door and is taken aback by the sight of the two bottles on the table and Ho-Jon filling glasses held by Duke and Hawkeye, who have climbed into their sleeping bags. He is so disturbed he fails to shut the door. FRANK Is that liquor? HAWKEYE Finest kind. We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender. Join us? DUKE But first will you please kindly shut the goddam door? FRANK I don't drink intoxicants. HAWKEYE (to Duke) Christ Almighty, I think he means it! DUKE We been had. FRANK I don't believe it's right for you to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet... DUKE The door, Frank, the door! Where you from anyhow, Alaska? FRANK (closing door) Wisconsin. DUKE Same general idea. Frank proceeds to take off his outer clothing preparatory to retiring. HO-JON Officer all sleep now, yes? And I go wash clothes. HAWKEYE Right, Ho-Jon. See you later. FRANK So long, Ho-Jon. DUKE You make a mean martini, kid. Ho-Jon goes out. Duke and Hawkeye settle back to enjoy their drinks but they both come bolt upright when they see Frank drop to his knees by his cot and begin to intone the Lord's Prayer. FRANK Our Father who art in Heaven Hallow'd be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, On earth as it is in Heaven... Hawkeye and Duke find it hard to believe their eyes and ears. They never expected to see a grown man behaving as Frank is now. FRANK Give us this day our daily... HAWKEYE You ever caught this bread, and forgive our syndrome before, Duke? FRANK ...trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against... DUKE Us. Lead us not into... FRANK ...No cases over the age of temptation but deliver us eight. from evil. For Thine is the kingdom, the power and... HAWKEYE & DUKE ...the glory forever. Amen. (raising martini glasses) Amen! DUKE (singing) Onward Christian soldiers... DUKE & HAWKEYE (singing) Marching as to war. With the cross of Jesus going on before. Christ our Royal Master, leads against the foe. Forward into battle... DUKE (breaking off singing, points to Frank) He ain't finished! For a moment, before Hawkeye speaks, some of the words Frank is mumbling come through. FRANK ...And for our young men on the field of battle, that they may return home to their dear ones... HAWKEYE Come clean with us, Frank. Were you on this religious kick back home, or did you start to crack up here on the post? FRANK (ignoring him) ...And for our Supreme Commander over here and our Commander-in-Chief in Washington. DUKE How long does the show go on, Frank? Frank turns his head toward Duke while remaining in praying position. FRANK It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for, and Captain Pierce's. TIME LAPSE: INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE – DAY Sargeant Vollmer is working on some papers at his desk when Hawkeye and Duke come in. They pass right by him and head for Henry's door. VOLLMER Hey! That's a Colonel's office! HAWKEYE (hand on Henry's door) Ayuh. Just who we're looking for. (opens door) Henry, you got to do something! LESLIE exits from Henry's office as they enter. INT. HENRY'S OFFICE – DAY Henry is at his desk. Duke and Hawkeye come in and seat themselves in informal comfort. Both watch Leslie exit. HAWKEYE We've stuck it out for a whole week now... Pretty girl. DUKE We sure don't aim to cause any trouble... Yeah, she seems to grow on you. HENRY You don't aim to cause any trouble – But? HAWKEYE But we strongly suspect something will happen to screw up this splendid organization of yours if you don't get that sky pilot out of our tent. HENRY Your tent? DUKE Yeah, maybe move that nurse in. She don't seem the type to keep you awake praying. HENRY (pause) I have been in this Army a long time. I know just what you guys are up to. But there are limits... HAWKEYE We'll find out what they are when you throw us out. HENRY That's all the commitment you're offering me? (to Duke) Or do you have some more extravagant gesture of cooperation? DUKE No, Hawkeye just said it all. HAWKEYE Except we forgot one other small thing. DUKE What's that? HAWKEYE The chest-cutter. DUKE Yeah, that's right. (to Henry) You better get us a chest-cutter before there's trouble. HAWKEYE This outfit needs somebody who can find his way around the pulmonary anatomy when the bases are loaded. DUKE And it's the ninth inning. HENRY Forget it. No Mash unit has a chest surgeon and we aren't about to get one. Your housing problem I'll give some thought to in the next couple of weeks. Radar O'Reilly comes in with "Emergency" written all over his expressive face. He makes a hand gesture to Henry that could loosely be construed as a salute. HENRY Yes, O'Reilly? DUKE How you, Radar? RADAR They're running behind in the OR, sir, and the Preop Ward is all jammed up. Two choppers and three ambulances full. This is the most serious kind of crisis for the outfit, and Henry's expression shows it. HENRY (to Duke and Hawkeye) You boys'll have to go to work early. DUKE You fixing to add overtime to a twelve- hour day? The union ain't gonna like it. HAWKEYE You work those kind of hours, you got to have rest. Which you can't get with somebody jabbering away on a direct line to heaven. HENRY (crisply) Major Burns will be out of your tent in twenty-four hours. (to Radar) Tell them Captain Pierce and Captain Forrest are on their way. Radar goes out. Duke gets to his feet and Hawkeye makes a preliminary move toward doing so. HAWKEYE About that chest-cutter... HENRY I'll try, d-d-dammit! You can't ask any more than that! HAWKEYE We don't want any more than that. (following Duke out) Right now. TIME LAPSE: EXT. MASH COMPOUND – DUSK Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish are walking close together in an otherwise deserted area. HAWKEYE Cold? He puts an arm around her without waiting for an answer. She smiles at him fondly. LIEUTENANT DISH Even if I weren't. HAWKEYE Maria... He kisses her and they cling together, standing outside a tent identified by a sign: "OFFICER'S CLUB." LIEUTENANT DISH Oh, Hawkeye, I don't think I could stick it out these next few weeks without you. Hawkeye opens the door of the Officers' Club, looks in. HAWKEYE Nobody here. He steps aside to let her precede him in. There is nothing inside except a pool table. She hesitates. He takes her in his arms again, this time pressing his hands against the seat of her fatigue pants. LIEUTENANT DISH You understand why I still can't... Ho-Jon appears in his line of vision, not hers. HO-JON Captain Pierces... Hawkeye lets go of her, and they try to look like innocent strollers. HAWKEYE Hi, Ho-Jon. How they goin'? HO-JON Finest kind. Captain Forrests say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest-cutter in our tent. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: EXT. THE SWAMP – DUSK The wooden front of the tent has a new sign identifying it as "THE SWAMP." INT. THE SWAMP – DUSK First we see Hawkeye sitting on his cot, looking across the tent at the newcomer. Attached to the canvas wall behind him is a photograph of his wife and two sons, aged four and two. Next we turn our attention to Duke on the adjoining cot (formerly Frank's). He also has a family picture on display: his wife, two-year-old daughter and an infant. Then we get our first glimpse of TRAPPER JOHN, their new tentmate, about 30, tall and very thin, his head pretty well hidden inside the hood of a parka. He is using cellophane tape to install one of the popular nude photos of the day (such as the one of Marilyn Monroe that circulated so widely in the early 1950's). Completing the group is Ho-Jon, who sits on the floor, silently taking in everything that is done or said. Finished with his decorating effort, Trapper reaches into the depths of his parka to produce a can of beer. He digs into the other side, finds an opener and opens the beer. Then his head goes back inside the parka along with the can as he takes a swig from it. DUKE (to Hawkeye) Now I got you for a witness, I'm going to try again. So far all I dragged out of him is he's from Bahston and he's only been in the Army two months. (to Trapper) Where were you when they drafted you? TRAPPER Home. DUKE I mean, what were you doing? Were you a resident or on a staff someplace? TRAPPER That's right. DUKE Where? TRAPPER Hospital. DUKE Which hospital? TRAPPER Back home. DUKE Is there any reason why we shouldn't know the name of it? TRAPPER No. (a long swig of beer) Or why you should. HAWKEYE (to Duke) I think I've seen this nut somewhere. (to Trapper) Haven't I? TRAPPER If you don't know what you've seen, why should I? Hawkeye is unsatisfied. He keeps staring at Trapper, sure he's seen him before. DUKE (to Trapper) You ready to switch to a little tonic we generally take us about this time? Ho-Jon... Ho-Jon goes to the table and takes a few ice cubes from a hospital ice-bag, puts them into the pitcher along with gin and a dash of vermouth. TRAPPER Don't you use olives? DUKE Where you think you are, boy? They probably never seen a olive in this country. Ho-Jon pours three water-glasses full of martini and starts to distribute them. HAWKEYE (to Trapper) That's the front up the road a few miles. We have to get by without some of the comforts of home. TRAPPER I like an olive. He reaches into his parka, comes up with a bottle of olives, takes one out and puts it into the martini Ho-Jon serves him. Then, as Hawkeye and Duke gape at him, he offers them the bottle. TIME LAPSE: INT. OPERATING ROOM – DAY There are two operations going on, one of them being a simple procedure requiring one surgeon and one nurse. The other by contrast is a very special event. Trapper is operating, assisted by another surgeon, a couple of nurses, a corpsman, and the anesthesiologist, UGLY JOHN BLACK. Beside these actual participants almost all the nurses and doctors from both shifts, including Duke, Hawkeye (with Lieutenant Dish), Frank and Henry, are in a circle around the operating table as spectators. Trapper's job is repairing a lacerated pulmonary artery, or some other delicate piece of surgery close to the heart and involving a large chest incision. We see enough of the process to observe that it is gory and deep inside a critical area, but necessarily it is the reactions of the people watching, especially Duke and Hawkeye, that tell us how tricky an operation it is and how expertly Trapper is handling it. The sequence is silent except for incidental operating room noises. Even Trapper's occasional terse instructions to his assistants and his brief exchange with Ugly John are spoken too low for us to hear. There are four stages to the action: 1. The beginning of the operation before an attentive audience, drawn by their interest in the new man and by the fact that this is a surgical procedure they have never dared to attempt. 2. Limited approval and professional respect for the assurance with which Trapper plots his incision and starts working his way to his destination. 3. Mounting tension as the crucial stage is reached. The suspense reaches its crest during the few moments when Trapper is doing the actual mending job to which all the preliminaries have led. The faces of his colleagues express anxiety and hope that he can accomplish what he set out to do, and accomplish it quickly enough to permit the patient to survive. Henry, not certain of his own judgment, looks to Duke for confirmation, and Duke nods to indicate he thinks Trapper has the situation under control. 4. The tension breaks as Trapper finishes the job to his satisfaction and begins, along with his assistant surgeon, to close up. Henry's smile of relief is unsure and only tentative until he catches Hawkeye's signal that the job has been done to perfection. TIME LAPSE: EXT. MASH COMPOUND – DAY Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke emerge from the hospital in fatigues. Some enlisted men are tossing a football around. One of them makes a wild throw and the ball rolls to a stop at Trapper's feet. He stops to look at it and the other two halt with him. Then very slowly, Trapper leans over and picks up the ball, waving Hawkeye downfield. Hawkeye complies unquestioningly and when he is about thirty yards away, Trapper whips a perfect pass into his arms. Hawkeye just stands where he is, holding the ball, oblivious of the enlisted men who want it back, as Trapper and Duke continue toward him. Revelation jolts him with apocalyptic force. HAWKEYE Jesus to Jesus and eight hands around! Duke, did I ever tell you how I beat Dartmouth by intercepting a pass? DUKE Sixteen times. HAWKEYE We didn't have a chance, little Androscoggin College against the Big Green, but there was this blizzard and we held then nothing nothing till the last twenty seconds. Then this great passer of theirs let one go, snow and all... TRAPPER Lucky you didn't have your mouth open or it would have gone down your throat. HAWKEYE He's Trapper John! Only man in history who ever found fulfillment in the ladies' can of a Boston and Maine Railroad car! When the Conductor caught him in there with his Winter Carnival date, she screamed: 'He trapped me!' What have you been doing since those days, Trapper? DUKE What does he have to do? A score like that, a man could just live on his reputation. The enlisted men, increasingly concerned about their football, are muttering mutinously to each other. Hawkeye is too carried away about Trapper's identity to notice this till Trapper calls it to his attention. TRAPPER (to Hawkeye) Ball. Hawkeye looks at the football and at the enlisted men, and, finally getting the point, throws it back to them. TRAPPER (relieved to find another subject) What gives over there? They look across the compound to the Shower Tent, behind which an Army truck full of GIs has just pulled up. While Hawkeye and Duke explain what's going on to Trapper, and the three of them move in for a closer look, we see the visiting GIs drop one by one from the rear of the truck, pay their admission fees and take their places in the line leading up to the strategically placed peep hole in the rear corner of the tent. DUKE Must be Painlees Pole Day in the Shower Tent. HAWKEYE (to Trapper) You met him. Walt Waldowski, the Dental Officer. DUKE Nice guy, for an enamel surgeon. TRAPPER What are they peeking at? Captain Waldowski in the shower? HAWKEYE Part of him. Painless is the owner and operator of the Pride of Hamtrack. That's where he comes from... Hamtrack, Michigan. DUKE Best equipped dentist in the whole goddam Army. Care to have a look, a man with your background? HAWKEYE Way we hear it, the Pride is supposed to have run up the highest lifetime batting average ever recorded in Wayne County. EXT. SHOWER TENT – DAY Corporal Judson from Mississippi takes his turn at the peephole. His speech is that of the rural southern black. JUDSON Ah'd purely love to see it angry. TIME LAPSE: INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT Hawkeye and Duke are working on a patient about whose chances their faces reveal extreme pessimism. The nurse in attendance is Leslie. Hawkeye takes the patient's blood pressure and frowns at the reading. HAWKEYE This kid looks like a loser. Maybe we better get the bead-jiggler to put in a fix. DUKE (to Leslie) Call Dago Red. TIME LAPSE: INT. OPERATING ROOM – NIGHT Without interfering with the administration of blood and other medical measures, Dago Red is just finishing giving last rites to the patient. DAGO RED ...May God remit unto thee the pains of the present and future life, open to thee the gates of heaven, and bring thee to everlasting life. (makes the sign of the Cross) May Almighty God bless thee, Father, Son and Holy Ghost. LESLIE (taking patient's pulse) Duke... She wants him to feel it and he does, reacting excitedly. DUKE Slowing down! Hawkeye meanwhile is checking blood pressure again. HAWKEYE Going up. Nice work, Red. TIME LAPSE: INT. THE SWAMP – DAY Dago Red is the cocktail guest of the three Swampmen. Ho-Jon sits in his usual place on the floor, following everything that's said and refilling martini glasses wherever needed. DAGO RED There's sort of a built-in prayer for the sick man to get well, but of course that's not the basic intention. HAWKEYE I don't care about the intention. I just know your Cross Action is a plus on our side. I've seen it come through four times. DUKE And you've had a natural four times in a row in a crap game. Right? Does that mean...? HAWKEYE Not without lots of praying and kissing the dice. (to Dago Red) It's a different ritual but it works the same. DUKE What do you think, Trapper? TRAPPER Me? I was raised a mackerel-snapper... Dago Red gives him a quick, intent look, which Hawkeye notes. TRAPPER ...But I turned in my knee pads. HAWKEYE Ho-Jon, give the Father some more martini. DAGO RED Just a taste, Ho-Jon. (to the group) I'd better get to the point... what I came here for today. DUKE You came because we asked you, for a drink. HAWKEYE We wanted to tell you how you were helping us with your fixes. DAGO RED Well, sure, but I'm also worried about Walt Waldowski – Painless. His poker players got in an argument and asked him for a ruling, and he said what difference did it make, it was just a card game. It's obvious from the shocked reactions of the Swampmen that the priest couldn't have reported a more ominous symptom. HAWKEYE I guess I'm getting a toothache I better have looked at. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: INT. DENTAL CLINIC – DAY There is no activity around the dental chair, but the nonstop poker game is thriving as Hawkeye enters, carrying a bottle in a paper bag. The players are evenly divided between officers (UGLY JOHN, MURRHARDT and a visiting HELICOPTER PILOT) and enlisted men (VOLLMER, RADAR and JUDSON). UGLY JOHN Take a seat, Hawk. We can use a fresh pigeon. HAWKEYE Got to see the man about a tooth. Where is he? RADAR (to Vollmer) Call. With a pair of kings. (to Hawkeye, pointing to smaller tent attached) Inside. Hawkeye goes on into Painless' private quarters. VOLLMER (indignantly, to Radar) How can you call with one lousy pair? Ought to be a house rule against mind reading. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: INT. PAINLESS' TENT – DAY Painless is lying on his back on the cot, staring blankly at the ceiling. Hawkeye has poured drinks from his bottle and is sipping his, but Painless' remains untouched. PAINLESS If a man isn't a man anymore, what's he got left to live for? HAWKEYE Tell me the whole story, Walt. PAINLESS There's this native broad works in the laundry. I don't know if you've noticed. HAWKEYE There's only one worth noticing. PAINLESS You noticed. I wasn't going to fool around over here. I've got these three girls I'm engaged to back home... He indicates three photographs of young women, displayed with equal prominence. Any one of them could make Miss America. PAINLESS But I had this feeling I ought to make the effort. To test myself. And I flunked. HAWKEYE What did you have to test, for God's sake... the dental Don Juan of Detroit? PAINLESS Don Juanism is just a cover... I've been reading up on it. (emotionally overcome, turning away) I'm a fake, I'm a fraud, I've been living a lie! Moved by the intensity of his self-denunciation, Hawkeye bends down close to Painless, puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. HAWKEYE Painless, you mustn't talk that way. It's a lot of crap. Cover for what? PAINLESS Homosexuality. Hawkeye straightens abruptly, his hand rising from Painless' shoulder as from a hot stove. PAINLESS Now I know that's been my problem since I was a kid. But it only caught up to me last night. HAWKEYE You've been drawn to other males? Since you were a kid? PAINLESS No, never in the slightest. HAWKEYE Just in dreams? PAINLESS Or in dreams either. I repressed it completely. Classic pattern of inhibition. HAWKEYE That's what you've been doing all these years with every dame you could lay your hands on? Repressing your real self? PAINLESS But it's all over now, and I can't face it. Imagine if you found out you were one, you wouldn't like breaking the news to your wife. Well, I got the same problem multiplied. HAWKEYE You don't have any problem. You've got thirty good years ahead of you, easy. Maybe you'll have to cut down as you grow older, get along with just two fiancees, but... PAINLESS No, one thing I finally know for sure, I'll never function with a woman again. TIME LAPSE: INT. THE SWAMP – NIGHT Hawkeye is reporting to Duke and Trapper. Murrhardt and Bandini are there, as well as Ho-Jon. HAWKEYE There ought to be a law against dentists reading. Matter of fact, I thought there was. Anyway, this is an obsession. He can't be persuaded out of it. HO-JON (appearing in doorway) He's comin' this-a-way! The jaw- breaker! DUKE Y'all just act natural. HAWKEYE Get out the scotch, Ho-Jon. (to the others) Don't mention the sex thing unless he brings it up. A perfunctory knock on the door is immediately followed by the entrance of Painless. DUKE How you, Walt? We was just fixing to have a nightcap. TRAPPER (to Ho-Jon) Pour one for Painless. Ho-Jon serves drinks all around. There is a silence as each of the hosts tries to think of a conversational opening. PAINLESS I thought you guys ought to know. I'm going to commit suicide. This leads to another silence, broken by Trapper, who doesn't go so far as to stand up but leans way out from his sack to grasp the dentist by the hand. TRAPPER Miss you, Walt. DUKE He said it for us all, Walt. BANDIDI How about leaving me your record player? HAWKEYE How do you figure to go? Forty-five between the eyes? DUKE Powerful sloppy. MURRHARDT Reliable though. PAINLESS That's really what I came here for. See what you guys recommend. HAWKEYE (as in a medical consultation) Well, I'm sure my colleagues will agree there are a number of dependable measures for extinguishing the vital forces. TRAPPER Black capsule. HAWKEYE The black capsule. Finest kind. Thank you, Dr. McIntyre. PAINLESS What is it? TRAPPER Easy, pleasant, never-miss ride. HAWKEYE In the direction you want to go. PAINLESS You guys got any black capsules? DUKE For a buddy we got whatever it takes to stamp out the last spark of life. TIME LAPSE: INT. DAGO RED'S TENT – DAY The priest is sitting at his desk reading his breviary when Hawkeye and Trapper enter. Trapper goes over to Red's beer supply, opens it and distributes three cans while Hawkeye greets their host. HAWKEYE How they goin', Losing Preacher? What do you hear from the Pope? DAGO RED You talked to Walt? HAWKEYE He's parted his moorings. TRAPPER We're throwing him a Last Supper. We came to invite you. HAWKEYE The Painless Pole plans to cross the Great Divide tonight and we need your help to straighten him out. DAGO RED What do you want me to do? HAWKEYE Put in one of your fixes. Walt knows he's loused himself with the Church, but it's part of our plan to make him think he has the keys to the kingdom. Which he will think if you grease the skids for him. DAGO RED I don't think I can give absolution to a man who's about to commit suicide. It's a mortal sin. HAWKEYE What is, Red, the intention or the act? DAGO RED (confused) I believe it takes both. I'd have to look it up. HAWKEYE Just use common sense. Your job is preventing sin, and the way to do that is give him your best Cross Action. TRAPPER Or you can let him knock himself out. You personally'd be sending him to his grave. HAWKEYE An eternal damnation. DAGO RED (feeling cornered) I don't know. I'm not sure what the Military Vicar's office would think... TRAPPER They sure as hell won't hear about it from us. TIME LAPSE: INT. DENTAL CLINIC – NIGHT The poker table, and dental chair have been removed to make room for two long tables from the Mess Hall. At these a sumptuous, candlelit, stag banquet is coming to an end. The guests are doctors, administrative officers, chopper pilots and enlisted men. Duke is on his feet, raising a glass of champagne in a toast. (All our male cast except Henry and Frank) DUKE Y'all come here to say a final goodbye to our old friend Walt. But maybe it ain't so final. Maybe he's just going on ahead into the Unknown to do a little recon job for us all. During this tribute the guests rise, their eyes on the guest of honor, who sits with his food untouched, a vacant expression on his face. When Duke has finished and everyone has drunk the toast, they applaud and sit down again. Trapper raps for attention and indicates Hawkeye, who rises. HAWKEYE I just got this one thing to say. Nobody ordered Walt to take on this mission. He volunteered, for certain death. That's what we award our highest medal for. That's what being a soldier is all about. Except for Painless himself, the gathering is deeply moved by this thought, some of them to the point of tears. Again Trapper restores order. TRAPPER Only one man here can add anything to that. He looks to Dago Red, who stands up, dressed for the first time in the priestly vestments he wears for Sunday Mass. He walks to where Painless sits and there begins the viaticum (holy communion for those in danger of death). DAGO RED Receive, my brother, this food for your journey... A coffin, borne into the room by two enlisted men while Red is still speaking, is lined with blankets, equipped with a pillow for comfortable reclining prior to the onset of death, and furnished with mementos of Painless' earthly career: two fresh decks of cards, a box of poker chips, a fifth of scotch, some basic dental instruments and the photographs of his three fiancees. It is set down on the floor next to Painless, who regards it with the first show of interest he has manifested during the proceedings. DAGO RED (bestowing the sacred host) ...The body of our Lord Jesus Christ, that He may guard you from the wicked enemy and lead you into everlasting life. Amen. Red is making the sign of the Cross when Painless' curiosity asserts itself. PAINLESS What the hell's that? TRAPPER Coffin. Yours. PAINLESS I'm not even dead yet. HAWKEYE You're a pretty heavy guy to lug around. Be a hell of a lot more convenient for everybody if you got into the box as soon as you've taken the capsule. He produces and opens a small box, inside which, surrounded by pure white cotton, a black capsule is displayed like a rare jewel. Dago Red, meanwhile, preferring not to know what happens from here on, makes his way out. PAINLESS (scrutinizing the capsule) How do you take it? DUKE (appearing at his side with tumbler of whiskey) With whiskey. A good swallow first and a big one afterwards. Speeds it into the bloodstream. Painless takes the tumbler from him with one hand, the capsule with the other. He downs a good-sized swig of whiskey, then, with the capsule in front of his face, hesitates. PAINLESS You guys sure this'll do the job? DUKE We wouldn't give you nothing but the best. TRAPPER We stand behind all our work. HAWKEYE You want it straight? Medical history records no instance of anyone taking this particular prescription and surviving. PAINLESS Here goes nothing. He pops the capsule into his mouth and washes it down with a large drink of whiskey. Hawkeye gestures to the waiting coffin. Painless gets up and lowers himself into it. PAINLESS How much time do I have? HAWKEYE Just about enough to say goodbye to everybody. (announcing) Line up over here, men, if you want to pay your last respects. Keep moving and file on out when you're through. PAINLESS I wonder, if Red's fix swings it for me, what's heaven really like? TRAPPER It's a bedroom where a man is always at his peak and doesn't have to take any time outs. HAWKEYE And all the angels are built like Lieutenant Dish. The Last Supper guests are filing by the coffin, bending low to shake Painless' hand and murmur words of farewell. DUKE Drink up, Walt. One for the glory road. He holds the glass to Painless' lips, helps him down the rest of the whiskey. TIME LAPSE: INT. POSTOP WARD – NIGHT Hawkeye finishes checking a patient, looks to doorway and sees lieutenant Dish standing there. He crosses to join her. HAWKEYE Thanks for coming, Maria. (takes her arm and leads her through exit) Sorry it had to be so late. EXT. MASH COMPOUND – NIGHT Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish walk from the Postop Ward. LIEUTENANT DISH I couldn't have slept tonight anyhow. HAWKEYE You're leaving tomorrow? LIEUTENANT DISH In less than twelve hours I'll be on my way. HAWKEYE That's when the real strain starts. Three weeks on a troopship. (embraces her) Poor baby. LIEUTENANT DISH (kissing him) Dear, sweet Hawkeye. HAWKEYE Though I guess who it'll really be rough on is your husband. LIEUTENANT DISH You're on his side all of the sudden? HAWKEYE A man would be more considerate. He wouldn't come home to his wife a nervous wreck. LIEUTENANT DISH How would he avoid it... as if I needed to ask? HAWKEYE It could be a purely impersonal thing. What matters is the therapeutic value of relieving your tensions. LIEUTENANT DISH You should have been a marriage counselor. (drawing his head closer to hers) But I'll show you what's wrong with your theory. They kiss passionately. Dish is shaken by it and that shows in her voice when she continues making her point. LIEUTENANT DISH Do you think anything between us could be impersonal? Or pure? You better forget logic, because you're proving why I shouldn't go to bed with you. HAWKEYE (after a moment of massive internal struggle) I didn't mean with me. It takes a couple of seconds for what he has said to penetrate her consciousness. She looks at him incredulously. LIEUTENANT DISH You're asking for somebody else? HAWKEYE It happens to be a matter of life and death. LIEUTENANT DISH A man is going to die if he doesn't have my fair young body? HAWKEYE Precisely, Maria. Tonight you have the same privilege that comes on rare occasions to the chief executive of some state or nation... the privilege of restoring life, by one tender act of mercy, to a doomed fellow creature. While he is speaking, a blue light goes on in a tent in the background. As they turn to see what is going on, four men carrying a heavy box approach the tent. EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT (OFFICER'S CLUB) At closer range the box is revealed to be Painless' coffin with the departed dentist inside it. The four men who carry it into the tent are Radar, Judson, Boone and Seidman. This tent doesn't have a wooden door like the Swamp, just a flap. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT The four enlisted men carry the coffin, empty, out of the tent. Then Hawkeye and Dish appear, moving slowly toward the tent as he continues to break down her resistance. HAWKEYE He should come to now for a while, but he's got so much dope in him by tomorrow he won't know fact from fantasy. LIEUTENANT DISH You think he won't. HAWKEYE What do you care? You'll be on your way to Japan. LIEUTENANT DISH I'm fond of Painless, and I'd feel terrible if anything happened to him... HAWKEYE It's your decision, Maria. I don't want to high-pressure you. LIEUTENANT DISH I'd be crazy to think my virtue, such as it is, was more important than his life... HAWKEYE In fact I'd rather not try to influence you at all. (opening tent flap) Let's just go in and take a look, and then you think it through for yourself. INT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT The tent has been fixed up with all the resources at their disposal – cushions, parachute cloth, mirrors and little touches of elegance gathered from all over the post – to resemble a luxurious bedroom on the home front. Lying in bed (the pool table) between clean, inviting sheets is Painless. The boys have undressed him as we can see by his bare shoulders. Hawkeye takes Dish by the hand and leads her to the side of the bed. HAWKEYE One last look at him... (raises sheet, uncovering Painless to the knees) ...still alive... (slips raised sheet into Dish's grasp) ...the whole man. Dish's eyes pop at what she sees. So astounded is she that she doesn't notice Hawkeye has given her the sheet and made off. LIEUTENANT DISH My God, Hawkeye, I never realized... I never even dreamed... (becoming aware he's no longer at her side) Hawkeye! Hawk... She finds he's disappeared altogether. She can't resist turning her gaze back to the uncovered Painless. Then she drops the sheet. EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT – NIGHT The tent flap drops into place, continuing the movement of the sheet. Our attention is drawn up the front of the tent to its peak, which points firmly upwards. TIME LAPSE: EXT. THE SWAMP – MORNING There is the SOUND of a HELICOPTER overhead. Hawkeye emerges from the tent to look at it, verifying that it is coming from the peaceful south rather than the embattled north. Then he sees Lieutenant Dish coming out of her tent, wearing her Army uniform and followed by one of the enlisted men carrying her bags. Hawkeye waves goodbye but Dish doesn't see him. Her face, seen up close, has a serene, faraway look, neither happy nor unhappy, but enriched by experience. Hawkeye is not distressed by her failure to acknowledge him; he understands it's a question of preoccupation and not a deliberate snub. He starts across the compound to the Mess Hall, noting that the helicopter is descending to land on the far side of the hospital. EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH – MORNING There is a small welcoming party on hand, headed by Henry himself, to greet the passenger arriving in the helicopter. When it lands the door is opened and HOT LIPS (as she will soon be known) gets out smartly, which is the way she does everything. Her official name is Major Margaret Houlihan and she is tallish, willowish, blondish, fortyish, prettyish. She and Henry exchange salutes and then shake hands. The others in the greeting party are out of the habit of saluting, and have to be reminded by a stern look from their Commanding Officer. As Henry and Hot Lips, followed by the others, head for the hospital entrance, Lieutenant Dish appears with the enlisted man behind her. She gets into the helicopter and he lifts her bags in after her. A moment later the chopper is airborne again. INT. MESS HALL – DAY One of the first people Hawkeye sees in the officer's section is Painless, who is eating an enormous breakfast with great gusto. HAWKEYE Morning Painless. How they goin'? PAINLESS Big day. Two jaws to rebuild. INT. POSTOP WARD – DAY Frank is listening gravely to a wounded soldier's heartbeat through a stethoscope. Standing by awaiting orders is Private Boone. Frank has a disturbed reaction to the lack of vital signs from the patient. FRANK (to Boone) Get me one c.c. of adrenaline and a cardiac needle. BOONE What's a...? FRANK Never mind questions. Get them! As Boone dashes off with no comprehension of the errand he is supposed to perform, Trapper, a couple of beds away, in the soiled fatigues he wears on nonoperating room duty, can see and hear what is going on. While he watches, Frank checks the patient further and establishes that he is dead. With a disappointed sigh, he drops the man's lifeless arm and throws the bedcovers back over him up to his neck. INT. OPERATING ROOM – DAY Henry is showing Hot Lips through the hospital and introducing her to personnel. At the moment he is presenting Knocko. HENRY Captain Williams, Major. (to Knocko) Major Houlihan is our new Chief Nurse. Knocko holds out her hand in friendly greeting, and is startled to find Hot Lips expects a salute instead. INT. POSTOP WARD – DAY Trapper, having observed Frank's recognition of the fact his patient is dead, is unprepared for what the Major does when Boone comes running back with a syringe, a small vial and an ordinary hypodermic needle. BOONE (anxiously) This what you wanted, Major? FRANK (looking at vial) No, you idiot. I said adrenaline. And a cardiac needle. He turns back to the patient and goes all over again through the same checking process he followed before. BOONE (desperately) I'll ask a nurse! FRANK It's too late. You killed him, Boone. A ghastly look appears on Boone's face. He tries to say something, can't get it out, and bursts into tears instead. Then additionally ashamed of himself for this weakness, he runs out. Frank, deciding not to discipline the boy for the display of unsoldierly conduct, is proceeding about his business when Trapper accosts him. TRAPPER You got a moment, Frank? He indicates the Utility Room, which leads off the Operating Room and the Postop Ward. When Frank assents, Trapper opens the door and ushers him in. INT. UTILITY ROOM – DAY It's a small room containing, among other items, a table with a pot of coffee and cups which are available to medical personnel at all hours. TRAPPER You all through work for the day? FRANK Yes, I am. Why do you want to know? TRAPPER Make sure you got time to sleep this off. He puts his whole hundred and thirty pounds behind a right uppercut that lands squarely on Frank's jaw. At the same instant the door from the Operating Room opens, and Henry gallantly makes way for Hot Lips to precede him. HENRY This is the... Frank drops to the floor, momentarily knocked out. HENRY T-Trapper!... C-C-Captain McIntyre... what the hell... ? HOT LIPS (staring at Trapper incredulously) That's a captain? Frank is coming to and could probably get back into the fight by a count of eight if he had any desire to. HENRY (to Trapper) What's going on? Who started this? TRAPPER You mean who hit who? HENRY Yes, that's what I mean. TRAPPER I did. First and only blow. So far. FRANK (getting up) He wouldn't have touched me if I'd had my guard up. Let us settle this between ourselves, Colonel. Alone. HENRY What do you think I'm running, an English boarding school? McIntyre, you're under arrest. Confine yourself to quarters, pending an investigation. TRAPPER If you say so, Henry. But remember my claustrophobia. HENRY (to Hot Lips) I deeply regret this unfortunate incident. We try to remember we're a military organization. HOT LIPS I certainly would have thought so. TIME LAPSE: INT. THE SWAMP – NIGHT Henry is standing indignantly over Trapper, who is sipping a beer in his sleeping bag. Duke, Hawkeye and Ho-Jon are witnesses to the encounter. HENRY (yelling) What's wrong with you? TRAPPER I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I didn't think the son-of-a- bitch would get up. HAWKEYE Stop acting like a colonel, Henry. You know Trapper wouldn't sock him without a good reason. HENRY There's no reason good enough for one medical officer to strike another. DUKE That there Frank Burns is a menace. Whenever a patient croaks on him it's either God's will or somebody else's fault. HAWKEYE This time he did it to a kid who's simple enough to believe him. Why don't you dump the mother, Henry? He creates more work than he gets done. HENRY I should fire him because he got in the way of Trapper's fist? No. I've put up with a lot from you guys, but now I finally have to take disciplinary action. HAWKEYE Christ. All of a sudden it's West Point. DUKE What are you going to do with him? HENRY Well... (to Trapper) I was going to name you Chief Surgeon... (to Hawkeye) To consult on both shifts, yours and Frank's. DUKE Hey, that's great, Henry! Good thinking! HAWKEYE First decent idea you've had in a month. HENRY Now I'll have to wait at least a week. If I announced it tomorrow, after what our new Chief Nurse saw this afternoon, they'd hear her yelling from Seoul to Washington. TIME LAPSE: INT. MESS HALL – DAY Hot Lip's handsome face is relaxed into her most charming smile as she approaches Hawkeye at the table where he sits by himself having a late breakfast after a long night's work. Hawkeye (like Trapper and Duke) no longer makes any attempt at a proper military appearance. HOT LIPS Captain Pierce, would I be imposing...? HAWKEYE Honey, nobody as pretty as you could ever impose... please sit down. Coffee? He offers her some from the pot beside him, and she holds out a cup while he pours it. HOT LIPS Captain, I've been observing the nurses on your shift. But naturally your own opinion is more informed than mine. HAWKEYE I'm glad you feel that way, Major, because you see it's a team effort... doctors, nurses, enlisted men... and I feel responsible for my whole team, and I want you to know I'm satisfied with them. HOT LIPS All of them? HAWKEYE That's right. We work well together. HOT LIPS Major Burns is far from satisfied. HAWKEYE That don't surprise me. If you're a good observer, you must have observed by now that Frank Burns is a jerk. HOT LIPS On the contrary, I've observed he's not only a good technical surgeon, he's a good military surgeon. And that includes how a man dresses and how he bears himself and his sense of what it means to be an officer in the United States Army. HAWKEYE And his track record, that don't count? Look, honey, when you watch the two shifts try to notice which one does the most work with the least fuss. HOT LIPS I've noticed that both nurses and enlisted men address you as 'Hawkeye.' HAWKEYE It's my name. Maybe that sounds silly to you but... HOT LIPS That kind of familiarity is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization. HAWKEYE Okay, Major, honey. (pushes back his chair) I'm going to have a couple shots scotch and go to bed. I'd normally ask you to join me but obviously you're a female version of the routine Regular Army clown. And that turns me off, so just leave my outfit alone and we'll get along fine. (stands up to go) See you around the campus. HOT LIPS (icily) I wonder how a degenerated person like you could have reached a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps. HAWKEYE Sister, if I knew the answer to that I sure as hell wouldn't be here. TIME LAPSE: EXT. / INT. MESS HALL – DAY (SNOW ON GROUND) People are going in and out of the Mess Hall, when an announcement comes over the public address system. VOLLMER'S VOICE (over P.A. system) Attention, everybody. I have an announcement. 'Effective today, Thirteen April, Captain John S. McIntyre, U.S. Army Reserve, is appointed Chief Surgeon at 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Henry B. Blake, Commanding Officer.' (informally, on his own) Nice going, Trapper. Ugly John and Captain Bandini shake Trapper's hand in congratulations. The only two officers in the outfit who don't like the news come out of the Mess Hall together: Major Burns and Houlihan. HOT LIPS There's no point appealing to Colonel Blake. They've got him bewitched. FRANK No. The only thing to do is write General Hammond. (knowing perfectly well she has her own tent) But it's hard to find a place around here for a private discussion. HOT LIPS I have a tent to myself. FRANK People will talk. HOT LIPS I don't mind. If we give them something to talk about. TIME LAPSE: INT. HOT LIP'S TENT – NIGHT Hot Lips finishes reading the letter she and Frank have drafted, signs it and stands up as she folds it and puts it in a prepared envelope. HOT LIPS I think it's a marvelous letter. FRANK We're a good team. HOT LIPS We think the same way. FRANK It's supper time. (as casually as he can say it) But you're not hungry are you? HOT LIPS Ravenous. What about you? FRANK (trying to hide his disappointment) Well, sure, if you are, Margaret... HOT LIPS Anyway, we want to get this letter off. He grabs her and kisses her and from her reaction we get a clear picture of the kind of female she is. She responds to the kiss fervently, pressing her lips and body against his, but the moment she decides to end it she switches right back to her businesslike manner. HOT LIPS The sooner it reaches him, the sooner we can turn this into a tight military outfit. BRIEF TIME LAPSE: INT. MASH MAIN BUILDING – AT MAIL DEPOSIT BOX – NIGHT Frank deposits the letter in the box while Hot Lips stands by. Then they proceed on their way to the Mess Hall, unaware that they have been observed by Radar on the other side of the partition into which the mailbox is set. INT. MASH MAIN BUILDING – NIGHT Radar picks up the letter Frank deposited and reads the address. INT. THE SWAMP – NIGHT There is a party going on. Present, in addition to the three occupants, are Painless, Ugly John, Bandini, Judson, Vollmer, Ho-Jon, Boone, Murrhardt and Seidman. Radar enters, engages Hawkeye's attention and shows him the letter. Hawkeye glances through it, looks to Radar for confirmation and, getting it, tears up the letter. Meanwhile under Duke's leadership, a bedpan is affixed with adhesive tape to Trapper's head. DUKE Hail to the chief! We-all got a responsibility, men. He's crowned like a king ought to be, but he can't just walk to the Mess Hall by himself. He has to be carried by native bearers. HAWKEYE Good thinking, Duke. How about it, Ho-Jon? Can you round up a few of the boys? HO-JON I don't get what you mean, native bearers. MURRHARDT Bear is the same thing as carry. HO-JON It's the other word I'm not sure. HAWKEYE (afraid of where this is leading) Never mind. Forget it. DUKE (simultaneously) A native is someone who is born in a particular place. HO-JON And if I go to New York, the natives there will carry me? I don't think so. HAWKEYE I don't think so either. DUKE I don't think I should have opened my big mouth. Sorry, Ho-Jon. HO-JON (smiling) That's okay. Live a little, learn a little. TIME LAPSE: INT. MESS HALL – NIGHT Frank and Hot Lips, sitting by themselves in a corner are disgusted, and the rest of the people there are mildly amused, by the spectacle of Trapper's entrance. The new Chief Surgeon, still wearing his bedpan crown, is borne in on his cot by Hawkeye, Duke, Painless and Ugly John. They set him down and break into song. DUKE, HAWKEYE, PAINLESS AND UGLY JOHN (singing) Hail to the Chief And King of all the surgeons He needs a queen To satisfy his urgin's. TRAPPER (loudly, pointing at Hot Lips) I'd like to try out that one over there. HAWKEYE Very well, Your Majesty. (starting toward Frank and Hot Lips) Congratulations, Frank. He picked you. TRAPPER No, no, that one. HAWKEYE Oh, you want to play it straight? (to Hot Lips) I guess I owe you an apology. Her eyes blazing with indignation, Hot Lips gets up and stalks out. Frank follows her. TIME LAPSE: INT. HOT LIPS' TENT – NIGHT Frank is sitting next to Hot Lips on her cot with a soothing arm around her. FRANK Godless buffoons, all of them. HOT LIPS (her hands on his face, turning it towards her) It's that disrespect for you, that's what I can't forgive them. FRANK Oh, I'm used to it. What makes me sore is how they behave towards you. (pulling her into a tight embrace) They ought to be grateful to have you. (kisses her, his hand vanishing beneath her skirt) I certainly am. HOT LIPS (undoing one of his buttons and sliding her hand under his blouse) And I'm grateful for you, Frank, especially with those boors around. We've grown very close in a short time. He kisses her around the neck and bosom, removing such of the clothing as gets in the way. FRANK It isn't just chance, I'm sure of that. God meant us to find each other. Instead of lingering on a scene that threatens to become pornographic, ou