"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"M*A*S*H"

Screenplay by

Ring Lardner Jr.

Based on the novel by

Richard Hooker

Final Draft

February 26, 1969



FADE IN:

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH DAY

Our attention is concentrated on a sign reading: "THIS IS
WHERE IT IS PARALLEL 38." Below these words, arrows point
to "NORTH KOREA" in one direction, "SOUTH KOREA" in opposite
one. Two Air Rescue helicopters are coming in low from the
north, descending to a point just outside the entrance to
the hospital Admitting Ward.

Transferring our attention to the helicopters, our gaze goes
from the first sign to a second one, on which all we can
read at first are the very large letters: "M-A-S-H." Moving
closer to the helicopters as they hit the ground, we can
make out the rest of the sign. Above the four large letters
it says: "4077TH," and then we see there is the remainder of
a word following each of the large letters, but in much
smaller print, so that "M-A-S-H" becomes "Mobile Army Surgical
Hospital." The helicopters land and enlisted men of the U.S.
Army Medical Corps Carry two wounded soldiers from each into
the Admitting Ward.

LIEUTENANT COLONEL HENRY BLAKE, a permanent member of the
Medical Corps and Commanding Officer of the 4077th, watches
grimly as the wounded are borne from the helicopters into
his hospital. CORPORAL "RADAR" O'REILLY, with a long thin
neck, large ears and a knack for anticipating his Colonel's
wishes, moves up close behind him.

HENRY
(loudly)
O'Reilly!

RADAR
(at his side)
Yes, sir?

HENRY
Dammit, Radar, wait till I call you!
Tell Major Burns...

RADAR
One of the surgeons from the day
shift will have to stay on duty
tonight?

HENRY
Yes, dammit, and...

He interrupts himself, frightened by the intense expression
on Radar's face. The Corporal's head is turning back and
forth like an actual radar receiver, monitoring the northern
horizon where the valley of a river meanders between
mountainous ridges.

HENRY
O'Reilly, what is it?
(appalled at the
thought)
There aren't more choppers coming?

RADAR
I'm afraid so, Colonel.

HENRY
We've got too many wounded for us to
handle now! Get on the phone right
away and...

RADAR
Yes, sir, I'll see if I can reach
General Hammond in Seoul for you.
You think he'll finally break down
and give us two more surgeons?

The DISTANT SOUND of more HELICOPTERS becomes faintly audible
to the normal human ear, and a moment later one appears over
a ridge.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. MOTOR POOL AND RAILROAD DEPOT 325TH EVACUATION
HOSPITAL YONG-DONG-PA DAY

Two officers come from opposite directions toward a Jeep,
each carrying a Valpac and trailing a barracks bag. Though
they still wear such later-to-be-discarded refinements as
captain's bars on their caps and overcoats, they are far
from West Point standards in dress and manner. DUKE, 29, is
still solidly built like the fullback he once was. HAWKEYE,
28, a former end, is taller and rangier, wears glasses. Their
accents, Georgia and Maine respectively, are in sharp
contrast. A MOTOR POOL SARGEANT who has driven the Jeep up
climbs out.

MOTOR POOL DRIVER
You the guys going to the 4077th?

DUKE
I'm one of 'em.

HAWKEYE
(state of Maine
affirmative)
Ayuh. I'm the other then.

As they stow their gear in the back of the Jeep.

MOTOR POOL SARGEANT
Lots of luck.

He leaves.

HAWKEYE
My name's Hawkeye Pierce.

DUKE
Duke Forrest.

Hawkeye takes the driver's seat. Duke, getting into the right-
hand side, has no objection, just a question.

DUKE
You got directions?

HAWKEYE
Ayuh, only it's early, I need a drink
to wake me up.

DUKE
I got some.

He turns around and opens his barracks bag, where he finds a
pint bottle conveniently located near the top.

HAWKEYE
Make it yourself, or is it real?

DUKE
Georgia, where I come from, it's
real if you make it yourself. But I
been buying from the Yankee Government
since they put me in this soldier
suit and give me a rate.

HAWKEYE
Tax-free booze. It's about all you
can say for army life.

DUKE
(passing bottle)
Where you from with that crazy way
of talking?

HAWKEYE
Crabapple Cove. Maine.

DUKE
Damn! That must be about as far north
as you can get.

HAWKEYE
Pretty near. What do you know about
the outfit we're going to?

DUKE
C.O. is Colonel Blake. Lieutenant
Colonel Henry Braymore Blake. One of
them regular army clowns. Push you
around so it's hard to get any decent
work done.

HAWKEYE
We got to head them off, right at
the start. Push them around first.

They have exchanged the bottle a couple of times. In the act
of raising it to his mouth, Hawkeye looks toward the hospital
doorway.

HAWKEYE
I think we already caught their eye.

Two MPs have emerged from the hospital administration offices
and are heading toward them. Hawkeye goes into action quickly,
starting the Jeep engine.

DUKE
What's the initials 'MP' stand for,
Hawkeye?

HAWKEYE
Shore Patrol, Duke. Let's go!

The Jeep starts off at its maximum takeoff speed and
accelerates dangerously as it careens out of the hospital
grounds.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. ROAD NEAR OUIJONGBU DAY

Hawkeye and Duke are driving the Jeep along the muddy road
they come upon a sign which fills a large part of the screen:
"Last chance before Peking". A short distance behind the
sign, it is now revealed are three parked U.S. Army trucks,
in front of which parades a group of Korean prostitutes from
fourteen to forty-five.

Despite the autumn weather, their costumes, mixed American
mail order and Korean, are chosen for seductive appeal rather
than warmth.

HAWKEYE
Must be the Famous Curb Service Whore

(pronounced 'howah')
House. You in the market Duke?

DUKE
(in negation)
I done my shopping in Seoul last
night.

They now have a fairly clear view of a GI and a Korean female
lying in tight formation in the bed on one of the trucks,
their activity only partially concealed by a blanket.

DUKE
Curb service is right.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. APPROACH TO 4077TH MASH DAY

Hawkeye stops the Jeep as they come to a place in the road
where they can get a downward look at their future home. The
river valley in which the 4077th Mash is situated is almost
surrounded by mountains. The components of the post are spread
out in a rough horseshoe with a large compound of level ground
in the middle. At the closed end of the horseshoe is the
main hospital building, made of wood with a tin roof marked
by a large red cross; everything else is canvas. To the left
of the main building are strung out the Admitting Ward,
Laboratory, Dental Clinic, Mess Hall, PX, Showers Tent, Barber
Tent and the Enlisted Men's Tents. On the right side are the
Postop Ward, Officers' Tents, Nurses' Tents, Korean Domestics'
Tents and finally, the Officers' Club. In the f.g., from
Duke and Hawkeye's angle are four helicopters belonging to
the 5th Air Rescue Squadron, and the signs we have already
seen marking the post and the 38th Parallel.

HAWKEYE
Well, there it is. Jesus!

DUKE
The spot we picked to spend the
winter. Maybe we ought to look a
little harder.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. MASH MESS HALL DAY

As Hawkeye and Duke enter. The large tent has two floor levels
separated by a railing into a section for officers and one
for enlisted men, the two groups being much closer to
numerical equality here than in an ordinary military
installation. There is a further voluntary piece of
segregation within the officers' section: the men medical
officers plus a couple of administrative officers and a
helicopter pilot are at one long, rectangular table; the
nurses, ranging in rank from second lieutenant to captain,
at another.

Hawkeye starts to lead the way to an empty table in the
officers' section, but Duke calls his attention to the
outstanding feature of the nurses' table: LIEUTENANT DISH,
24, blonde and clearly, even in her winter fatigues, the
sexiest looking nurse in military history.

DUKE
What do you think of that piece of
scenery, Yankee boy?

HAWKEYE
Finest kind. We'll sit where we can
get the best view.

Accordingly, they select seats close to the nurses and facing
the Lieutenant. Some personnel are on duty in the hospital
during this lunch period, but beside Dish, two of the
following three nurses with whom we will become acquainted
are present here:

KNOCKO, who is black, a captain in her thirties, solidly
built, very strong and very competent in her job; LESLIE,
also a captain, not more than thirty, bright, attractive,
cheerful, the kind of girl that brings out the latent male
matrimonial instinct but who, strangely, is treated as
inviolate by the by the sex-starved men of the post; and
LIEUTENANT SCORCH, who can't match Dish or Leslie by physical
standards but has the asset of instant availability.

A Korean boy, not yet of military age, in green fatigue pants
and an off-white coat, appears promptly and heaps Duke and
Hawkeye's plates with food. Duke is hungry enough to turn
his whole attention to the meal, but Hawkeye is unable to
keep his eyes off Lieutenant Dish while eating. Thus neither
of them is aware of the attention they are getting from the
male officers' group, which includes HENRY, a couple of
medical captains named MURRHARDT and BANDINI; DAGO RED
(officially, Father John Patrick Mulcahy, red-haired Catholic
Chaplain of the area) and the PAINLESS POLE (Captain Walter
Zaldowski, Dental Officer), both in their thirties; and
CAPTAIN UGLY JOHN BLACK, an Australian anesthesiologist.

There is also curiosity about the newcomers from the unlisted
men's section, where we see among others RADAR; VOLLMER,
Henry's overweight Sargeant Major; CORPORAL JUDSON, young,
black and fresh from Mississippi; PRIVATE BOONE, who looks
too young and nervous to be in any man's army; and PFC
SEIDMAN, whose first trip out of New York has taken him
halfway around the world.

Henry, who alone has reason to be personally affronted by
Duke and Hawkeye's unmilitary behavior, gets up and crosses
to where they are sitting.

HENRY
I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows just
passing through?

HAWKEYE
Nope, we're assigned heah.

With which reminder we will abandon all indications of the
Maine accent.

DUKE
Y'all were short a couple cutters
and we're what the Army sent.

HENRY
Don't you know the first thing you're
supposed to do at a new post is
present yourself to the commanding
officer with your orders?

DUKE
Reckon so, but we been boozing all
day and you work up an appetite.

HENRY
(taking out orders
and handing Duke a
copy)
You're welcome to one of these,
whatever they are.

DUKE
(finding his orders)
They give you copies to burn.

Henry scans both papers to find what he considers the most
important part. There is a RUMBLE OF ARTILLERY in the
distance.

HENRY
Good. You've both been working close
to the front.

DUKE
(listening to artillery)
Never this close.

HENRY
They've hit us on Cherry Hill. I
just got word. We have our slack
periods but when the action starts,
you'll have more work in twelve hours
than a civilian surgeon does in a
week.

HAWKEYE
Colonel Blake, have no fear. Hawkeye
and Duke are here.

DUKE
(to Henry)
That's right, pal. You just sit up
front and sign the mail, and leave
the cutting to us.

HENRY
I may need you to go to work
practically immediately. But meanwhile
perhaps you'd like to meet some of
your fellow officers.

DUKE
Just one for a start.

HAWKEYE
The blonde dish.

HENRY
If you mean...
(looking toward
Lieutenant Dish)
She is a lieutenant in the Army
Nursing Corps, Captain.

HAWKEYE
Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess she's
already... involved with somebody
here.

HENRY
They've all tried. Nobody's got to
first base.

He is interrupted by the fact that Dish and Knocko have risen
from their table and are passing right by them on their way
to the door.

The Lieutenant has just as nice a walk as you would hope
for, and the men's eyes follow her till she is again out of
hearing distance.

HAWKEYE
Why bother with first base? I'd go
right for the home run.

The Painless Pole and Dago Red have come over.

DAGO RED
This the new talent, Henry?

HENRY
Captain Pierce, Captain Forrest...
Father Mulcahy, the Catholic Chaplain
of the area, and Captain Waldowski,
our Dental Officer.

PAINLESS
Better known as Painless Pole.

Murrhardt and Bandini come over and all ADLIB introductions
asking each other their backgrounds, etc.

BANDINI
We all call him Dago Red.

DUKE
I'm Duke and he's Hawkeye.

PAINLESS
Glad to know you. Drop in at my clinic
anytime you feel like playing a little
poker, or even if a tooth is bothering
you.

HAWKEYE
Poker sounds great. When do you play?

MURRHARDT
He said anytime. Day and night, seven
days a week. The players change but
the game never stops.

HENRY
(to Hawkeye and Duke)
You'll be living with Major Burns.
O'Reilly!

Before his name is uttered, Radar has already risen from the
enlisted men's group, and is now at Henry's side.

RADAR
Sir?

HENRY
Don't do that, Radar! You make me
nervous.

RADAR
Sir?

HENRY
Don't come so quickly when I call. I
want you to take these officers...

RADAR
To Major Burns' tent. Yes, sir.

HENRY
Stop that, O'Rielly!

RADAR
Sir?

HENRY
Oh, get out of here!

RADAR
Yes, Colonel.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

EXT. / INT. "THE SWAMP" (PRESENTLY FRANK'S TENT) DAY

Hawkeye and Duke drag their bags from the Jeep, which Radar
drives away. They look over their new residence, a standard
army tent, square with peaked roof, a wooden door attached
to the canvas. Then as they approach it, they become aware
of a youthful Korean voice reading, in heavily accented
English, words that have no meaning for the speaker.

HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.)
'Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death... '

DUKE
Jesus Christ!

HAWKEYE
One of his ancestors, I think.

HO-JON'S VOICE (O.S.)
'I shall fear no evil for Thou art
with me...'

They open the door of the tent and go in. There are three
canvas cots with sleeping bags on them, a plank floor, an
oil stove, electric light, a few crude shelves, one table
and one chair plus assorted crates serving as same.

MAJOR FRANK BURNS, 35, from Wisconsin, is sitting on one of
the two more favorably situated cots listening to HO-JON, a
Korean boy of 16, read from the Bible. He corrects the word
that has given Ho-Jon the most trouble.

FRANK
Thou. For Thou art with me.
(sees Duke and Hawkeye,
jumps up)
Welcome, welcome, welcome!

DUKE
What the hell's going on here?

FRANK
This is Ho-Jon, my houseboy. Our
houseboy. I'm teaching him English.

DUKE
Where's he gonna use that kind of
talk? 'The valley of the shadow of
death.' Wait a minute, Ho-Jon...
(rummages in barracks
bag)
I got something for you.

He takes out sex magazine, gives it to Ho-Jon in such a way
that we see the nude on the cover, but Frank doesn't.

DUKE
(to Frank)
Little light reading matter. Just
right for his age.

HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
Well, southern boy, I suppose you
want the sack that's convenient to
the door.

DUKE
And gets the wind every time it opens.
No, thanks. I'll take that one.

He indicates the unoccupied cot which, like Frank's, is at
the rear of the tent with the stove between it and the front
door. Hawkeye shrugs and reaches into his barracks bag.

HAWKEYE
Let's choose for it.
(finds baseball bat,
hands it to Duke)
You toss.

Duke tosses the bat vertically in the air. As it comes down
Hawkeye grabs it expertly at the tape with his left hand.
Duke puts his left hand above that, and Duke is left with
his right hand waving in the air with nothing to grab.

HAWKEYE
(to Ho-Jon)
Part of your education. Always use
your own bat.

He tosses Valpac onto the desired cot.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. ADMITTING WARD NIGHT

It's pretty full already and more wounded are being brought
in by corpsmen. In contrast to the opening scene, where the
casualties were a generalized fact seen at a distance, in
this scene they are viewed individually and at close range,
and the effect, both on the eye and the ear, is almost
unbearable. Hawkeye, in a white gown as are all the surgeons
and nurses, moves from a patient he has just examined to one
who is letting out a number of unintelligible SOUNDS mixed
in with such clear and frequently repeated words as "Christ,"
"Mother," "God damn" and "Please." As Hawkeye approaches,
Lieutenant Scorch removes enough of the bandaging done in
the field to display an abdomen with part of its contents on
the outside.

HAWKEYE
Two-man job. How much blood has he
had?

LIEUTENANT SCORCH
Second pint.

HAWKEYE
Duke...

Duke has just examined a patient. He takes a step towards
Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE
This kid's ready but we won't know
all the damage till we get in and
see what's happened. What have you
got?

DUKE
Nothing can't wait. Shall we check
it out with the Major?

He indicates a Major who is standing a short distance away,
looking like a boss but not actually doing anything. Also in
Admitting Ward are, Murrhardt, Lieutenant Dish, PFC Seidman,
Corporal Judson.

HAWKEYE
Naw, I already found out. The only
thing he doesn't like about being in
charge is making decisions.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

NOTE: All principal cast should be available for all operating
scenes.

There are three operations going on at once. Here all
personnel wear white caps and masks and it is hard to identify
individuals except that at close range we can distinguish
Hawkeye by his glasses and Duke by his eyes and his build.
They are working together with great efficiency and an
instinctive collaboration that seems to require no verbal
exchange. What we see them do, without necessarily recognizing
the portion of anatomy involved, is to cut out a section of
bowel damaged by a shell fragment, and start sewing the
divided ends together.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye and Duke are working together on the last stages of
a leg amputation. This time there is no doubt about the
surgical process we are watching; we see the almost severed
leg and the process of controlling bleeding; then the limb
is actually separated from its stump and handed by Duke to a
corpsman. Hawkeye speaks to the nurse standing behind him.

HAWKEYE
Hot pack.

Watching her dip the pack into a warm solution and wring it
out, he recognizes, despite cap and mask, that it is
Lieutenant Dish. His eyes linger on hers for a brief moment.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. OUTSIDE OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Lieutenant Dish comes out of the Operating Room, tears in
her eyes, trying to control her sobs, and moves just outside
the circle of light from the fixture over the entrance. There,
no longer under observation, she lets herself cry. Hawkeye
comes out the door, registers surprise at the sight of her
just as if he hadn't followed her out. He moves to her side
and puts a comforting arm around her.

She looks up just long enough to see who it is, then buries
her head on his shoulder as his other arm goes around her.

LIEUTENANT DISH
Isn't this ridiculous, Doctor? Six
months I've been here and there are
still times when I can't stand it. I
just go to pieces.

HAWKEYE
There's nothing ridiculous about it.
(turns her face up to
his)
A kid like you...

She doesn't move her head from the way he has arranged it,
and her lips are very close to his. He kisses her and it
turns out, from the ardent way she responds, that's what she
wanted him to do.

LIEUTENANT DISH
Thank you, Captain Pierce.
(her voice full of
need)
It's been so long.

HAWKEYE
No trouble at all.
(then)
Hawkeye.

LIEUTENANT DISH
How did you get called that?

HAWKEYE
'The Last of the Mohicans.' Only
book my father ever read.

He kisses her again and again she clings to him.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You're getting a workout, you and
Captain Forrest, your first night.

HAWKEYE
It isn't always this rough?

LIEUTENANT DISH
Oh, no. We have dull stretches every
week or so, thank God, when there's
nothing to do after midnight.

HAWKEYE
They don't have to be dull. I mean
if you and me put our minds
together...

LIEUTENANT DISH
Our minds?

HAWKEYE
For a start. I just have a hunch...
well, it isn't entirely a hunch...

LIEUTENANT DISH
You're an attractive man.

HAWKEYE
You have a certain modest charm
yourself.

LIEUTENANT DISH
(continuing her own
thoughts)
But I'm married.

HAWKEYE
Something else we have in common.

LIEUTENANT DISH
Very happily married.

HAWKEYE
Same here.

LIEUTENANT DISH
And absolutely determined to be
faithful to my husband. Do we have
that in common, Captain?

HAWKEYE
It's a matter of definition. Faithful
in spirit, yes.

LIEUTENANT DISH
I don't make the distinction. But
the sex urge is a powerful force. In
women just as much as men.

HAWKEYE
Ayuh.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You'd think now, with only six weeks
before they ship me back home, it
would be easier. But it isn't.

HAWKEYE
Of course not.

LIEUTENANT DISH
It's terribly hard. Sometimes the
temptation is just too much.

HAWKEYE
Then why not, as long as it wouldn't
hurt anybody...?

LIEUTENANT DISH
(not hearing him,
just continuing her
own thought)
But you've made me feel strong again,
Captain. Hawkeye.
(smiling, tears gone,
ready to return to
work)
You helped me pull together when I
needed it.

With a grateful look at him, she goes back inside. Hawkeye
contemplates the accomplishment she has credited him with,
and finds it appalling.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye and Duke are working across the table from each other
again, this time inside a man's chest, stopping a hemorrhage
and debriding the wound.

DUKE
Now that's what I call real pretty.
We can close up here and go into his
belly.

HAWKEYE
He can't take much more time on the
table.

DUKE
So we got to cut him fast. I figure
from the X-ray it ain't just the
spleen. We also got to snatch his
right kidney.

EXT. MASH COMPOUND MORNING

Wearing fatigues now, Hawkeye and Duke are making their weary
way from the hospital to their tent after a night's work.
There is an announcement coming over the post-wide public
address system, but it doesn't concern them.

SARGEANT VOLLMER'S VOICE
(over P.A.)
Captain Murrhardt, please report to
the Colonel's office at the earliest
opportunity. Captain Murrhardt.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP MORNING

Ho-Jon throws a match into the oil stove, but it doesn't
work. He looks into it, strikes another match, and this time
it lights up so quickly he is almost singed by the flame.
Hawkeye and Duke open the door and come in. Ho-Jon straightens
and bows.

HO-JON
Good morning, Captain Pierce and
Captain Forrest.

HAWKEYE
You can cut the bow.

HO-JON
I have not understood what you means.

HAWKEYE
(demonstrating bow)
That. It's out of the act.

He and Duke remove their outer clothing during the ensuing:

HO-JON
Because is not democrash? All peoples
created equal?

DUKE
Hey, you been sneaking some reading
outside the frigging Bible!

HO-JON
I have great interest for America,
his peoples and his custom.

DUKE
Good, because we got a fine old
American custom we want to teach
you. You know what these are?

He gives Ho-Jon two bottles. The boy looks at the labels.

HO-JON
Gin. I know, yes.
(reads other label)
Dry...
(has trouble with the
word)
...vermouth.

EXT. MASH COMPOUND MORNING

Frank walks toward the tent from the direction of the
hospital.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP MORNING

Frank opens the door and is taken aback by the sight of the
two bottles on the table and Ho-Jon filling glasses held by
Duke and Hawkeye, who have climbed into their sleeping bags.
He is so disturbed he fails to shut the door.

FRANK
Is that liquor?

HAWKEYE
Finest kind. We're training Ho-Jon
to be a bartender. Join us?

DUKE
But first will you please kindly
shut the goddam door?

FRANK
I don't drink intoxicants.

HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
Christ Almighty, I think he means
it!

DUKE
We been had.

FRANK
I don't believe it's right for you
to involve a boy who's not seventeen
years old yet...

DUKE
The door, Frank, the door! Where you
from anyhow, Alaska?

FRANK
(closing door)
Wisconsin.

DUKE
Same general idea.

Frank proceeds to take off his outer clothing preparatory to
retiring.

HO-JON
Officer all sleep now, yes? And I go
wash clothes.

HAWKEYE
Right, Ho-Jon. See you later.

FRANK
So long, Ho-Jon.

DUKE
You make a mean martini, kid.

Ho-Jon goes out. Duke and Hawkeye settle back to enjoy their
drinks but they both come bolt upright when they see Frank
drop to his knees by his cot and begin to intone the Lord's
Prayer.

FRANK
Our Father who art in Heaven Hallow'd
be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy
will be done, On earth as it is in
Heaven...

Hawkeye and Duke find it hard to believe their eyes and ears.
They never expected to see a grown man behaving as Frank is
now.

FRANK
Give us this day our daily...

HAWKEYE
You ever caught this bread, and
forgive our syndrome before, Duke?

FRANK
...trespasses as we forgive those
who trespass against...

DUKE
Us. Lead us not into...

FRANK
...No cases over the age of temptation
but deliver us eight. from evil. For
Thine is the kingdom, the power and...

HAWKEYE & DUKE
...the glory forever. Amen.
(raising martini
glasses)
Amen!

DUKE
(singing)
Onward Christian soldiers...

DUKE & HAWKEYE
(singing)
Marching as to war. With the cross
of Jesus going on before. Christ our
Royal Master, leads against the foe.
Forward into battle...

DUKE
(breaking off singing,
points to Frank)
He ain't finished!

For a moment, before Hawkeye speaks, some of the words Frank
is mumbling come through.

FRANK
...And for our young men on the field
of battle, that they may return home
to their dear ones...

HAWKEYE
Come clean with us, Frank. Were you
on this religious kick back home, or
did you start to crack up here on
the post?

FRANK
(ignoring him)
...And for our Supreme Commander
over here and our Commander-in-Chief
in Washington.

DUKE
How long does the show go on, Frank?

Frank turns his head toward Duke while remaining in praying
position.

FRANK
It gets longer all the time. Now I
have your soul to pray for, and
Captain Pierce's.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE DAY

Sargeant Vollmer is working on some papers at his desk when
Hawkeye and Duke come in. They pass right by him and head
for Henry's door.

VOLLMER
Hey! That's a Colonel's office!

HAWKEYE
(hand on Henry's door)
Ayuh. Just who we're looking for.
(opens door)
Henry, you got to do something!

LESLIE exits from Henry's office as they enter.

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE DAY

Henry is at his desk. Duke and Hawkeye come in and seat
themselves in informal comfort. Both watch Leslie exit.

HAWKEYE
We've stuck it out for a whole week
now... Pretty girl.

DUKE
We sure don't aim to cause any
trouble... Yeah, she seems to grow
on you.

HENRY
You don't aim to cause any trouble
But?

HAWKEYE
But we strongly suspect something
will happen to screw up this splendid
organization of yours if you don't
get that sky pilot out of our tent.

HENRY
Your tent?

DUKE
Yeah, maybe move that nurse in. She
don't seem the type to keep you awake
praying.

HENRY
(pause)
I have been in this Army a long time.
I know just what you guys are up to.
But there are limits...

HAWKEYE
We'll find out what they are when
you throw us out.

HENRY
That's all the commitment you're
offering me?
(to Duke)
Or do you have some more extravagant
gesture of cooperation?

DUKE
No, Hawkeye just said it all.

HAWKEYE
Except we forgot one other small
thing.

DUKE
What's that?

HAWKEYE
The chest-cutter.

DUKE
Yeah, that's right.
(to Henry)
You better get us a chest-cutter
before there's trouble.

HAWKEYE
This outfit needs somebody who can
find his way around the pulmonary
anatomy when the bases are loaded.

DUKE
And it's the ninth inning.

HENRY
Forget it. No Mash unit has a chest
surgeon and we aren't about to get
one. Your housing problem I'll give
some thought to in the next couple
of weeks.

Radar O'Reilly comes in with "Emergency" written all over
his expressive face. He makes a hand gesture to Henry that
could loosely be construed as a salute.

HENRY
Yes, O'Reilly?

DUKE
How you, Radar?

RADAR
They're running behind in the OR,
sir, and the Preop Ward is all jammed
up. Two choppers and three ambulances
full.

This is the most serious kind of crisis for the outfit, and
Henry's expression shows it.

HENRY
(to Duke and Hawkeye)
You boys'll have to go to work early.

DUKE
You fixing to add overtime to a twelve-
hour day? The union ain't gonna like
it.

HAWKEYE
You work those kind of hours, you
got to have rest. Which you can't
get with somebody jabbering away on
a direct line to heaven.

HENRY
(crisply)
Major Burns will be out of your tent
in twenty-four hours.
(to Radar)
Tell them Captain Pierce and Captain
Forrest are on their way.

Radar goes out. Duke gets to his feet and Hawkeye makes a
preliminary move toward doing so.

HAWKEYE
About that chest-cutter...

HENRY
I'll try, d-d-dammit! You can't ask
any more than that!

HAWKEYE
We don't want any more than that.
(following Duke out)
Right now.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. MASH COMPOUND DUSK

Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish are walking close together in an
otherwise deserted area.

HAWKEYE
Cold?

He puts an arm around her without waiting for an answer. She
smiles at him fondly.

LIEUTENANT DISH
Even if I weren't.

HAWKEYE
Maria...

He kisses her and they cling together, standing outside a
tent identified by a sign: "OFFICER'S CLUB."

LIEUTENANT DISH
Oh, Hawkeye, I don't think I could
stick it out these next few weeks
without you.

Hawkeye opens the door of the Officers' Club, looks in.

HAWKEYE
Nobody here.

He steps aside to let her precede him in. There is nothing
inside except a pool table. She hesitates. He takes her in
his arms again, this time pressing his hands against the
seat of her fatigue pants.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You understand why I still can't...

Ho-Jon appears in his line of vision, not hers.

HO-JON
Captain Pierces...

Hawkeye lets go of her, and they try to look like innocent
strollers.

HAWKEYE
Hi, Ho-Jon. How they goin'?

HO-JON
Finest kind. Captain Forrests say
you better haul ass home quick. We
got new chest-cutter in our tent.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

EXT. THE SWAMP DUSK

The wooden front of the tent has a new sign identifying it
as "THE SWAMP."

INT. THE SWAMP DUSK

First we see Hawkeye sitting on his cot, looking across the
tent at the newcomer. Attached to the canvas wall behind him
is a photograph of his wife and two sons, aged four and two.
Next we turn our attention to Duke on the adjoining cot
(formerly Frank's). He also has a family picture on display:
his wife, two-year-old daughter and an infant. Then we get
our first glimpse of TRAPPER JOHN, their new tentmate, about
30, tall and very thin, his head pretty well hidden inside
the hood of a parka. He is using cellophane tape to install
one of the popular nude photos of the day (such as the one
of Marilyn Monroe that circulated so widely in the early
1950's).

Completing the group is Ho-Jon, who sits on the floor,
silently taking in everything that is done or said.

Finished with his decorating effort, Trapper reaches into
the depths of his parka to produce a can of beer. He digs
into the other side, finds an opener and opens the beer.
Then his head goes back inside the parka along with the can
as he takes a swig from it.

DUKE
(to Hawkeye)
Now I got you for a witness, I'm
going to try again. So far all I
dragged out of him is he's from
Bahston and he's only been in the
Army two months.
(to Trapper)
Where were you when they drafted
you?

TRAPPER
Home.

DUKE
I mean, what were you doing? Were
you a resident or on a staff
someplace?

TRAPPER
That's right.

DUKE
Where?

TRAPPER
Hospital.

DUKE
Which hospital?

TRAPPER
Back home.

DUKE
Is there any reason why we shouldn't
know the name of it?

TRAPPER
No.
(a long swig of beer)
Or why you should.

HAWKEYE
(to Duke)
I think I've seen this nut somewhere.
(to Trapper)
Haven't I?

TRAPPER
If you don't know what you've seen,
why should I?

Hawkeye is unsatisfied. He keeps staring at Trapper, sure
he's seen him before.

DUKE
(to Trapper)
You ready to switch to a little tonic
we generally take us about this time?
Ho-Jon...

Ho-Jon goes to the table and takes a few ice cubes from a
hospital ice-bag, puts them into the pitcher along with gin
and a dash of vermouth.

TRAPPER
Don't you use olives?

DUKE
Where you think you are, boy? They
probably never seen a olive in this
country.

Ho-Jon pours three water-glasses full of martini and starts
to distribute them.

HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
That's the front up the road a few
miles. We have to get by without
some of the comforts of home.

TRAPPER
I like an olive.

He reaches into his parka, comes up with a bottle of olives,
takes one out and puts it into the martini Ho-Jon serves
him. Then, as Hawkeye and Duke gape at him, he offers them
the bottle.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM DAY

There are two operations going on, one of them being a simple
procedure requiring one surgeon and one nurse. The other by
contrast is a very special event. Trapper is operating,
assisted by another surgeon, a couple of nurses, a corpsman,
and the anesthesiologist, UGLY JOHN BLACK. Beside these actual
participants almost all the nurses and doctors from both
shifts, including Duke, Hawkeye (with Lieutenant Dish), Frank
and Henry, are in a circle around the operating table as
spectators.

Trapper's job is repairing a lacerated pulmonary artery, or
some other delicate piece of surgery close to the heart and
involving a large chest incision. We see enough of the process
to observe that it is gory and deep inside a critical area,
but necessarily it is the reactions of the people watching,
especially Duke and Hawkeye, that tell us how tricky an
operation it is and how expertly Trapper is handling it.

The sequence is silent except for incidental operating room
noises.

Even Trapper's occasional terse instructions to his assistants
and his brief exchange with Ugly John are spoken too low for
us to hear.

There are four stages to the action:

1. The beginning of the operation before an attentive
audience, drawn by their interest in the new man and by the
fact that this is a surgical procedure they have never dared
to attempt.

2. Limited approval and professional respect for the assurance
with which Trapper plots his incision and starts working his
way to his destination.

3. Mounting tension as the crucial stage is reached. The
suspense reaches its crest during the few moments when Trapper
is doing the actual mending job to which all the preliminaries
have led. The faces of his colleagues express anxiety and
hope that he can accomplish what he set out to do, and
accomplish it quickly enough to permit the patient to survive.
Henry, not certain of his own judgment, looks to Duke for
confirmation, and Duke nods to indicate he thinks Trapper
has the situation under control.

4. The tension breaks as Trapper finishes the job to his
satisfaction and begins, along with his assistant surgeon,
to close up. Henry's smile of relief is unsure and only
tentative until he catches Hawkeye's signal that the job has
been done to perfection.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. MASH COMPOUND DAY

Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke emerge from the hospital in
fatigues. Some enlisted men are tossing a football around.
One of them makes a wild throw and the ball rolls to a stop
at Trapper's feet. He stops to look at it and the other two
halt with him. Then very slowly, Trapper leans over and picks
up the ball, waving Hawkeye downfield.

Hawkeye complies unquestioningly and when he is about thirty
yards away, Trapper whips a perfect pass into his arms.
Hawkeye just stands where he is, holding the ball, oblivious
of the enlisted men who want it back, as Trapper and Duke
continue toward him.

Revelation jolts him with apocalyptic force.

HAWKEYE
Jesus to Jesus and eight hands around!
Duke, did I ever tell you how I beat
Dartmouth by intercepting a pass?

DUKE
Sixteen times.

HAWKEYE
We didn't have a chance, little
Androscoggin College against the Big
Green, but there was this blizzard
and we held then nothing nothing
till the last twenty seconds. Then
this great passer of theirs let one
go, snow and all...

TRAPPER
Lucky you didn't have your mouth
open or it would have gone down your
throat.

HAWKEYE
He's Trapper John! Only man in history
who ever found fulfillment in the
ladies' can of a Boston and Maine
Railroad car! When the Conductor
caught him in there with his Winter
Carnival date, she screamed: 'He
trapped me!' What have you been doing
since those days, Trapper?

DUKE
What does he have to do? A score
like that, a man could just live on
his reputation.

The enlisted men, increasingly concerned about their football,
are muttering mutinously to each other. Hawkeye is too carried
away about Trapper's identity to notice this till Trapper
calls it to his attention.

TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye)
Ball.

Hawkeye looks at the football and at the enlisted men, and,
finally getting the point, throws it back to them.

TRAPPER
(relieved to find
another subject)
What gives over there?

They look across the compound to the Shower Tent, behind
which an Army truck full of GIs has just pulled up. While
Hawkeye and Duke explain what's going on to Trapper, and the
three of them move in for a closer look, we see the visiting
GIs drop one by one from the rear of the truck, pay their
admission fees and take their places in the line leading up
to the strategically placed peep hole in the rear corner of
the tent.

DUKE
Must be Painlees Pole Day in the
Shower Tent.

HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
You met him. Walt Waldowski, the
Dental Officer.

DUKE
Nice guy, for an enamel surgeon.

TRAPPER
What are they peeking at? Captain
Waldowski in the shower?

HAWKEYE
Part of him. Painless is the owner
and operator of the Pride of Hamtrack.
That's where he comes from...
Hamtrack, Michigan.

DUKE
Best equipped dentist in the whole
goddam Army. Care to have a look, a
man with your background?

HAWKEYE
Way we hear it, the Pride is supposed
to have run up the highest lifetime
batting average ever recorded in
Wayne County.

EXT. SHOWER TENT DAY

Corporal Judson from Mississippi takes his turn at the
peephole. His speech is that of the rural southern black.

JUDSON
Ah'd purely love to see it angry.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye and Duke are working on a patient about whose chances
their faces reveal extreme pessimism. The nurse in attendance
is Leslie.

Hawkeye takes the patient's blood pressure and frowns at the
reading.

HAWKEYE
This kid looks like a loser. Maybe
we better get the bead-jiggler to
put in a fix.

DUKE
(to Leslie)
Call Dago Red.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Without interfering with the administration of blood and
other medical measures, Dago Red is just finishing giving
last rites to the patient.

DAGO RED
...May God remit unto thee the pains
of the present and future life, open
to thee the gates of heaven, and
bring thee to everlasting life.
(makes the sign of
the Cross)
May Almighty God bless thee, Father,
Son and Holy Ghost.

LESLIE
(taking patient's
pulse)
Duke...

She wants him to feel it and he does, reacting excitedly.

DUKE
Slowing down!

Hawkeye meanwhile is checking blood pressure again.

HAWKEYE
Going up. Nice work, Red.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP DAY

Dago Red is the cocktail guest of the three Swampmen. Ho-Jon
sits in his usual place on the floor, following everything
that's said and refilling martini glasses wherever needed.

DAGO RED
There's sort of a built-in prayer
for the sick man to get well, but of
course that's not the basic intention.

HAWKEYE
I don't care about the intention. I
just know your Cross Action is a
plus on our side. I've seen it come
through four times.

DUKE
And you've had a natural four times
in a row in a crap game. Right? Does
that mean...?

HAWKEYE
Not without lots of praying and
kissing the dice.
(to Dago Red)
It's a different ritual but it works
the same.

DUKE
What do you think, Trapper?

TRAPPER
Me? I was raised a mackerel-snapper...

Dago Red gives him a quick, intent look, which Hawkeye notes.

TRAPPER
...But I turned in my knee pads.

HAWKEYE
Ho-Jon, give the Father some more
martini.

DAGO RED
Just a taste, Ho-Jon.
(to the group)
I'd better get to the point... what
I came here for today.

DUKE
You came because we asked you, for a
drink.

HAWKEYE
We wanted to tell you how you were
helping us with your fixes.

DAGO RED
Well, sure, but I'm also worried
about Walt Waldowski Painless. His
poker players got in an argument and
asked him for a ruling, and he said
what difference did it make, it was
just a card game.

It's obvious from the shocked reactions of the Swampmen that
the priest couldn't have reported a more ominous symptom.

HAWKEYE
I guess I'm getting a toothache I
better have looked at.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. DENTAL CLINIC DAY

There is no activity around the dental chair, but the nonstop
poker game is thriving as Hawkeye enters, carrying a bottle
in a paper bag. The players are evenly divided between
officers (UGLY JOHN, MURRHARDT and a visiting HELICOPTER
PILOT) and enlisted men (VOLLMER, RADAR and JUDSON).

UGLY JOHN
Take a seat, Hawk. We can use a fresh
pigeon.

HAWKEYE
Got to see the man about a tooth.
Where is he?

RADAR
(to Vollmer)
Call. With a pair of kings.
(to Hawkeye, pointing
to smaller tent
attached)
Inside.

Hawkeye goes on into Painless' private quarters.

VOLLMER
(indignantly, to Radar)
How can you call with one lousy pair?
Ought to be a house rule against
mind reading.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. PAINLESS' TENT DAY

Painless is lying on his back on the cot, staring blankly at
the ceiling. Hawkeye has poured drinks from his bottle and
is sipping his, but Painless' remains untouched.

PAINLESS
If a man isn't a man anymore, what's
he got left to live for?

HAWKEYE
Tell me the whole story, Walt.

PAINLESS
There's this native broad works in
the laundry. I don't know if you've
noticed.

HAWKEYE
There's only one worth noticing.

PAINLESS
You noticed. I wasn't going to fool
around over here. I've got these
three girls I'm engaged to back
home...

He indicates three photographs of young women, displayed
with equal prominence. Any one of them could make Miss
America.

PAINLESS
But I had this feeling I ought to
make the effort. To test myself. And
I flunked.

HAWKEYE
What did you have to test, for God's
sake... the dental Don Juan of
Detroit?

PAINLESS
Don Juanism is just a cover... I've
been reading up on it.
(emotionally overcome,
turning away)
I'm a fake, I'm a fraud, I've been
living a lie!

Moved by the intensity of his self-denunciation, Hawkeye
bends down close to Painless, puts a comforting hand on his
shoulder.

HAWKEYE
Painless, you mustn't talk that way.
It's a lot of crap. Cover for what?

PAINLESS
Homosexuality.

Hawkeye straightens abruptly, his hand rising from Painless'
shoulder as from a hot stove.

PAINLESS
Now I know that's been my problem
since I was a kid. But it only caught
up to me last night.

HAWKEYE
You've been drawn to other males?
Since you were a kid?

PAINLESS
No, never in the slightest.

HAWKEYE
Just in dreams?

PAINLESS
Or in dreams either. I repressed it
completely. Classic pattern of
inhibition.

HAWKEYE
That's what you've been doing all
these years with every dame you could
lay your hands on? Repressing your
real self?

PAINLESS
But it's all over now, and I can't
face it. Imagine if you found out
you were one, you wouldn't like
breaking the news to your wife. Well,
I got the same problem multiplied.

HAWKEYE
You don't have any problem. You've
got thirty good years ahead of you,
easy. Maybe you'll have to cut down
as you grow older, get along with
just two fiancees, but...

PAINLESS
No, one thing I finally know for
sure, I'll never function with a
woman again.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP NIGHT

Hawkeye is reporting to Duke and Trapper. Murrhardt and
Bandini are there, as well as Ho-Jon.

HAWKEYE
There ought to be a law against
dentists reading. Matter of fact, I
thought there was. Anyway, this is
an obsession. He can't be persuaded
out of it.

HO-JON
(appearing in doorway)
He's comin' this-a-way! The jaw-
breaker!

DUKE
Y'all just act natural.

HAWKEYE
Get out the scotch, Ho-Jon.
(to the others)
Don't mention the sex thing unless
he brings it up.

A perfunctory knock on the door is immediately followed by
the entrance of Painless.

DUKE
How you, Walt? We was just fixing to
have a nightcap.

TRAPPER
(to Ho-Jon)
Pour one for Painless.

Ho-Jon serves drinks all around. There is a silence as each
of the hosts tries to think of a conversational opening.

PAINLESS
I thought you guys ought to know.
I'm going to commit suicide.

This leads to another silence, broken by Trapper, who doesn't
go so far as to stand up but leans way out from his sack to
grasp the dentist by the hand.

TRAPPER
Miss you, Walt.

DUKE
He said it for us all, Walt.

BANDIDI
How about leaving me your record
player?

HAWKEYE
How do you figure to go? Forty-five
between the eyes?

DUKE
Powerful sloppy.

MURRHARDT
Reliable though.

PAINLESS
That's really what I came here for.
See what you guys recommend.

HAWKEYE
(as in a medical
consultation)
Well, I'm sure my colleagues will
agree there are a number of dependable
measures for extinguishing the vital
forces.

TRAPPER
Black capsule.

HAWKEYE
The black capsule. Finest kind. Thank
you, Dr. McIntyre.

PAINLESS
What is it?

TRAPPER
Easy, pleasant, never-miss ride.

HAWKEYE
In the direction you want to go.

PAINLESS
You guys got any black capsules?

DUKE
For a buddy we got whatever it takes
to stamp out the last spark of life.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. DAGO RED'S TENT DAY

The priest is sitting at his desk reading his breviary when
Hawkeye and Trapper enter. Trapper goes over to Red's beer
supply, opens it and distributes three cans while Hawkeye
greets their host.

HAWKEYE
How they goin', Losing Preacher?
What do you hear from the Pope?

DAGO RED
You talked to Walt?

HAWKEYE
He's parted his moorings.

TRAPPER
We're throwing him a Last Supper. We
came to invite you.

HAWKEYE
The Painless Pole plans to cross the
Great Divide tonight and we need
your help to straighten him out.

DAGO RED
What do you want me to do?

HAWKEYE
Put in one of your fixes. Walt knows
he's loused himself with the Church,
but it's part of our plan to make
him think he has the keys to the
kingdom. Which he will think if you
grease the skids for him.

DAGO RED
I don't think I can give absolution
to a man who's about to commit
suicide. It's a mortal sin.

HAWKEYE
What is, Red, the intention or the
act?

DAGO RED
(confused)
I believe it takes both. I'd have to
look it up.

HAWKEYE
Just use common sense. Your job is
preventing sin, and the way to do
that is give him your best Cross
Action.

TRAPPER
Or you can let him knock himself
out. You personally'd be sending him
to his grave.

HAWKEYE
An eternal damnation.

DAGO RED
(feeling cornered)
I don't know. I'm not sure what the
Military Vicar's office would think...

TRAPPER
They sure as hell won't hear about
it from us.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. DENTAL CLINIC NIGHT

The poker table, and dental chair have been removed to make
room for two long tables from the Mess Hall. At these a
sumptuous, candlelit, stag banquet is coming to an end. The
guests are doctors, administrative officers, chopper pilots
and enlisted men. Duke is on his feet, raising a glass of
champagne in a toast. (All our male cast except Henry and
Frank)

DUKE
Y'all come here to say a final goodbye
to our old friend Walt. But maybe it
ain't so final. Maybe he's just going
on ahead into the Unknown to do a
little recon job for us all.

During this tribute the guests rise, their eyes on the guest
of honor, who sits with his food untouched, a vacant
expression on his face. When Duke has finished and everyone
has drunk the toast, they applaud and sit down again. Trapper
raps for attention and indicates Hawkeye, who rises.

HAWKEYE
I just got this one thing to say.
Nobody ordered Walt to take on this
mission. He volunteered, for certain
death. That's what we award our
highest medal for. That's what being
a soldier is all about.

Except for Painless himself, the gathering is deeply moved
by this thought, some of them to the point of tears. Again
Trapper restores order.

TRAPPER
Only one man here can add anything
to that.

He looks to Dago Red, who stands up, dressed for the first
time in the priestly vestments he wears for Sunday Mass. He
walks to where Painless sits and there begins the viaticum
(holy communion for those in danger of death).

DAGO RED
Receive, my brother, this food for
your journey...

A coffin, borne into the room by two enlisted men while Red
is still speaking, is lined with blankets, equipped with a
pillow for comfortable reclining prior to the onset of death,
and furnished with mementos of Painless' earthly career: two
fresh decks of cards, a box of poker chips, a fifth of scotch,
some basic dental instruments and the photographs of his
three fiancees. It is set down on the floor next to Painless,
who regards it with the first show of interest he has
manifested during the proceedings.

DAGO RED
(bestowing the sacred
host)
...The body of our Lord Jesus Christ,
that He may guard you from the wicked
enemy and lead you into everlasting
life. Amen.

Red is making the sign of the Cross when Painless' curiosity
asserts itself.

PAINLESS
What the hell's that?

TRAPPER
Coffin. Yours.

PAINLESS
I'm not even dead yet.

HAWKEYE
You're a pretty heavy guy to lug
around. Be a hell of a lot more
convenient for everybody if you got
into the box as soon as you've taken
the capsule.

He produces and opens a small box, inside which, surrounded
by pure white cotton, a black capsule is displayed like a
rare jewel. Dago Red, meanwhile, preferring not to know what
happens from here on, makes his way out.

PAINLESS
(scrutinizing the
capsule)
How do you take it?

DUKE
(appearing at his
side with tumbler of
whiskey)
With whiskey. A good swallow first
and a big one afterwards. Speeds it
into the bloodstream.

Painless takes the tumbler from him with one hand, the capsule
with the other. He downs a good-sized swig of whiskey, then,
with the capsule in front of his face, hesitates.

PAINLESS
You guys sure this'll do the job?

DUKE
We wouldn't give you nothing but the
best.

TRAPPER
We stand behind all our work.

HAWKEYE
You want it straight? Medical history
records no instance of anyone taking
this particular prescription and
surviving.

PAINLESS
Here goes nothing.

He pops the capsule into his mouth and washes it down with a
large drink of whiskey. Hawkeye gestures to the waiting
coffin. Painless gets up and lowers himself into it.

PAINLESS
How much time do I have?

HAWKEYE
Just about enough to say goodbye to
everybody.
(announcing)
Line up over here, men, if you want
to pay your last respects. Keep moving
and file on out when you're through.

PAINLESS
I wonder, if Red's fix swings it for
me, what's heaven really like?

TRAPPER
It's a bedroom where a man is always
at his peak and doesn't have to take
any time outs.

HAWKEYE
And all the angels are built like
Lieutenant Dish.

The Last Supper guests are filing by the coffin, bending low
to shake Painless' hand and murmur words of farewell.

DUKE
Drink up, Walt. One for the glory
road.

He holds the glass to Painless' lips, helps him down the
rest of the whiskey.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. POSTOP WARD NIGHT

Hawkeye finishes checking a patient, looks to doorway and
sees lieutenant Dish standing there. He crosses to join her.

HAWKEYE
Thanks for coming, Maria.
(takes her arm and
leads her through
exit)
Sorry it had to be so late.

EXT. MASH COMPOUND NIGHT

Hawkeye and Lieutenant Dish walk from the Postop Ward.

LIEUTENANT DISH
I couldn't have slept tonight anyhow.

HAWKEYE
You're leaving tomorrow?

LIEUTENANT DISH
In less than twelve hours I'll be on
my way.

HAWKEYE
That's when the real strain starts.
Three weeks on a troopship.
(embraces her)
Poor baby.

LIEUTENANT DISH
(kissing him)
Dear, sweet Hawkeye.

HAWKEYE
Though I guess who it'll really be
rough on is your husband.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You're on his side all of the sudden?

HAWKEYE
A man would be more considerate. He
wouldn't come home to his wife a
nervous wreck.

LIEUTENANT DISH
How would he avoid it... as if I
needed to ask?

HAWKEYE
It could be a purely impersonal thing.
What matters is the therapeutic value
of relieving your tensions.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You should have been a marriage
counselor.
(drawing his head
closer to hers)
But I'll show you what's wrong with
your theory.

They kiss passionately. Dish is shaken by it and that shows
in her voice when she continues making her point.

LIEUTENANT DISH
Do you think anything between us
could be impersonal? Or pure? You
better forget logic, because you're
proving why I shouldn't go to bed
with you.

HAWKEYE
(after a moment of
massive internal
struggle)
I didn't mean with me.

It takes a couple of seconds for what he has said to penetrate
her consciousness. She looks at him incredulously.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You're asking for somebody else?

HAWKEYE
It happens to be a matter of life
and death.

LIEUTENANT DISH
A man is going to die if he doesn't
have my fair young body?

HAWKEYE
Precisely, Maria. Tonight you have
the same privilege that comes on
rare occasions to the chief executive
of some state or nation... the
privilege of restoring life, by one
tender act of mercy, to a doomed
fellow creature.

While he is speaking, a blue light goes on in a tent in the
background. As they turn to see what is going on, four men
carrying a heavy box approach the tent.

EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT NIGHT (OFFICER'S CLUB)

At closer range the box is revealed to be Painless' coffin
with the departed dentist inside it. The four men who carry
it into the tent are Radar, Judson, Boone and Seidman. This
tent doesn't have a wooden door like the Swamp, just a flap.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT NIGHT

The four enlisted men carry the coffin, empty, out of the
tent. Then Hawkeye and Dish appear, moving slowly toward the
tent as he continues to break down her resistance.

HAWKEYE
He should come to now for a while,
but he's got so much dope in him by
tomorrow he won't know fact from
fantasy.

LIEUTENANT DISH
You think he won't.

HAWKEYE
What do you care? You'll be on your
way to Japan.

LIEUTENANT DISH
I'm fond of Painless, and I'd feel
terrible if anything happened to
him...

HAWKEYE
It's your decision, Maria. I don't
want to high-pressure you.

LIEUTENANT DISH
I'd be crazy to think my virtue,
such as it is, was more important
than his life...

HAWKEYE
In fact I'd rather not try to
influence you at all.
(opening tent flap)
Let's just go in and take a look,
and then you think it through for
yourself.

INT. BLUE-LIT TENT NIGHT

The tent has been fixed up with all the resources at their
disposal cushions, parachute cloth, mirrors and little
touches of elegance gathered from all over the post to
resemble a luxurious bedroom on the home front. Lying in bed
(the pool table) between clean, inviting sheets is Painless.
The boys have undressed him as we can see by his bare
shoulders. Hawkeye takes Dish by the hand and leads her to
the side of the bed.

HAWKEYE
One last look at him...
(raises sheet,
uncovering Painless
to the knees)
...still alive...
(slips raised sheet
into Dish's grasp)
...the whole man.

Dish's eyes pop at what she sees. So astounded is she that
she doesn't notice Hawkeye has given her the sheet and made
off.

LIEUTENANT DISH
My God, Hawkeye, I never realized...
I never even dreamed...
(becoming aware he's
no longer at her
side)
Hawkeye! Hawk...

She finds he's disappeared altogether. She can't resist
turning her gaze back to the uncovered Painless. Then she
drops the sheet.

EXT. BLUE-LIT TENT NIGHT

The tent flap drops into place, continuing the movement of
the sheet. Our attention is drawn up the front of the tent
to its peak, which points firmly upwards.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. THE SWAMP MORNING

There is the SOUND of a HELICOPTER overhead. Hawkeye emerges
from the tent to look at it, verifying that it is coming
from the peaceful south rather than the embattled north.
Then he sees Lieutenant Dish coming out of her tent, wearing
her Army uniform and followed by one of the enlisted men
carrying her bags. Hawkeye waves goodbye but Dish doesn't
see him. Her face, seen up close, has a serene, faraway look,
neither happy nor unhappy, but enriched by experience.

Hawkeye is not distressed by her failure to acknowledge him;
he understands it's a question of preoccupation and not a
deliberate snub. He starts across the compound to the Mess
Hall, noting that the helicopter is descending to land on
the far side of the hospital.

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH MORNING

There is a small welcoming party on hand, headed by Henry
himself, to greet the passenger arriving in the helicopter.
When it lands the door is opened and HOT LIPS (as she will
soon be known) gets out smartly, which is the way she does
everything. Her official name is Major Margaret Houlihan and
she is tallish, willowish, blondish, fortyish, prettyish.
She and Henry exchange salutes and then shake hands. The
others in the greeting party are out of the habit of saluting,
and have to be reminded by a stern look from their Commanding
Officer.

As Henry and Hot Lips, followed by the others, head for the
hospital entrance, Lieutenant Dish appears with the enlisted
man behind her.

She gets into the helicopter and he lifts her bags in after
her. A moment later the chopper is airborne again.

INT. MESS HALL DAY

One of the first people Hawkeye sees in the officer's section
is Painless, who is eating an enormous breakfast with great
gusto.

HAWKEYE
Morning Painless. How they goin'?

PAINLESS
Big day. Two jaws to rebuild.

INT. POSTOP WARD DAY

Frank is listening gravely to a wounded soldier's heartbeat
through a stethoscope. Standing by awaiting orders is Private
Boone. Frank has a disturbed reaction to the lack of vital
signs from the patient.

FRANK
(to Boone)
Get me one c.c. of adrenaline and a
cardiac needle.

BOONE
What's a...?

FRANK
Never mind questions. Get them!

As Boone dashes off with no comprehension of the errand he
is supposed to perform, Trapper, a couple of beds away, in
the soiled fatigues he wears on nonoperating room duty, can
see and hear what is going on. While he watches, Frank checks
the patient further and establishes that he is dead. With a
disappointed sigh, he drops the man's lifeless arm and throws
the bedcovers back over him up to his neck.

INT. OPERATING ROOM DAY

Henry is showing Hot Lips through the hospital and introducing
her to personnel. At the moment he is presenting Knocko.

HENRY
Captain Williams, Major.
(to Knocko)
Major Houlihan is our new Chief Nurse.

Knocko holds out her hand in friendly greeting, and is
startled to find Hot Lips expects a salute instead.

INT. POSTOP WARD DAY

Trapper, having observed Frank's recognition of the fact his
patient is dead, is unprepared for what the Major does when
Boone comes running back with a syringe, a small vial and an
ordinary hypodermic needle.

BOONE
(anxiously)
This what you wanted, Major?

FRANK
(looking at vial)
No, you idiot. I said adrenaline.
And a cardiac needle.

He turns back to the patient and goes all over again through
the same checking process he followed before.

BOONE
(desperately)
I'll ask a nurse!

FRANK
It's too late. You killed him, Boone.

A ghastly look appears on Boone's face. He tries to say
something, can't get it out, and bursts into tears instead.
Then additionally ashamed of himself for this weakness, he
runs out. Frank, deciding not to discipline the boy for the
display of unsoldierly conduct, is proceeding about his
business when Trapper accosts him.

TRAPPER
You got a moment, Frank?

He indicates the Utility Room, which leads off the Operating
Room and the Postop Ward. When Frank assents, Trapper opens
the door and ushers him in.

INT. UTILITY ROOM DAY

It's a small room containing, among other items, a table
with a pot of coffee and cups which are available to medical
personnel at all hours.

TRAPPER
You all through work for the day?

FRANK
Yes, I am. Why do you want to know?

TRAPPER
Make sure you got time to sleep this
off.

He puts his whole hundred and thirty pounds behind a right
uppercut that lands squarely on Frank's jaw. At the same
instant the door from the Operating Room opens, and Henry
gallantly makes way for Hot Lips to precede him.

HENRY
This is the...

Frank drops to the floor, momentarily knocked out.

HENRY
T-Trapper!... C-C-Captain McIntyre...
what the hell... ?

HOT LIPS
(staring at Trapper
incredulously)
That's a captain?

Frank is coming to and could probably get back into the fight
by a count of eight if he had any desire to.

HENRY
(to Trapper)
What's going on? Who started this?

TRAPPER
You mean who hit who?

HENRY
Yes, that's what I mean.

TRAPPER
I did. First and only blow. So far.

FRANK
(getting up)
He wouldn't have touched me if I'd
had my guard up. Let us settle this
between ourselves, Colonel. Alone.

HENRY
What do you think I'm running, an
English boarding school? McIntyre,
you're under arrest. Confine yourself
to quarters, pending an investigation.

TRAPPER
If you say so, Henry. But remember
my claustrophobia.

HENRY
(to Hot Lips)
I deeply regret this unfortunate
incident. We try to remember we're a
military organization.

HOT LIPS
I certainly would have thought so.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP NIGHT

Henry is standing indignantly over Trapper, who is sipping a
beer in his sleeping bag. Duke, Hawkeye and Ho-Jon are
witnesses to the encounter.

HENRY
(yelling)
What's wrong with you?

TRAPPER
I don't know. I must have lost my
punch. I didn't think the son-of-a-
bitch would get up.

HAWKEYE
Stop acting like a colonel, Henry.
You know Trapper wouldn't sock him
without a good reason.

HENRY
There's no reason good enough for
one medical officer to strike another.

DUKE
That there Frank Burns is a menace.
Whenever a patient croaks on him
it's either God's will or somebody
else's fault.

HAWKEYE
This time he did it to a kid who's
simple enough to believe him. Why
don't you dump the mother, Henry? He
creates more work than he gets done.

HENRY
I should fire him because he got in
the way of Trapper's fist? No. I've
put up with a lot from you guys, but
now I finally have to take
disciplinary action.

HAWKEYE
Christ. All of a sudden it's West
Point.

DUKE
What are you going to do with him?

HENRY
Well...
(to Trapper)
I was going to name you Chief
Surgeon...
(to Hawkeye)
To consult on both shifts, yours and
Frank's.

DUKE
Hey, that's great, Henry! Good
thinking!

HAWKEYE
First decent idea you've had in a
month.

HENRY
Now I'll have to wait at least a
week. If I announced it tomorrow,
after what our new Chief Nurse saw
this afternoon, they'd hear her
yelling from Seoul to Washington.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. MESS HALL DAY

Hot Lip's handsome face is relaxed into her most charming
smile as she approaches Hawkeye at the table where he sits
by himself having a late breakfast after a long night's work.
Hawkeye (like Trapper and Duke) no longer makes any attempt
at a proper military appearance.

HOT LIPS
Captain Pierce, would I be
imposing...?

HAWKEYE
Honey, nobody as pretty as you could
ever impose... please sit down.
Coffee?

He offers her some from the pot beside him, and she holds
out a cup while he pours it.

HOT LIPS
Captain, I've been observing the
nurses on your shift. But naturally
your own opinion is more informed
than mine.

HAWKEYE
I'm glad you feel that way, Major,
because you see it's a team effort...
doctors, nurses, enlisted men... and
I feel responsible for my whole team,
and I want you to know I'm satisfied
with them.

HOT LIPS
All of them?

HAWKEYE
That's right. We work well together.

HOT LIPS
Major Burns is far from satisfied.

HAWKEYE
That don't surprise me. If you're a
good observer, you must have observed
by now that Frank Burns is a jerk.

HOT LIPS
On the contrary, I've observed he's
not only a good technical surgeon,
he's a good military surgeon. And
that includes how a man dresses and
how he bears himself and his sense
of what it means to be an officer in
the United States Army.

HAWKEYE
And his track record, that don't
count? Look, honey, when you watch
the two shifts try to notice which
one does the most work with the least
fuss.

HOT LIPS
I've noticed that both nurses and
enlisted men address you as 'Hawkeye.'

HAWKEYE
It's my name. Maybe that sounds silly
to you but...

HOT LIPS
That kind of familiarity is
inconsistent with maximum efficiency
in a military organization.

HAWKEYE
Okay, Major, honey.
(pushes back his chair)
I'm going to have a couple shots
scotch and go to bed. I'd normally
ask you to join me but obviously
you're a female version of the routine
Regular Army clown. And that turns
me off, so just leave my outfit alone
and we'll get along fine.
(stands up to go)
See you around the campus.

HOT LIPS
(icily)
I wonder how a degenerated person
like you could have reached a position
of responsibility in the Army Medical
Corps.

HAWKEYE
Sister, if I knew the answer to that
I sure as hell wouldn't be here.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. / INT. MESS HALL DAY (SNOW ON GROUND)

People are going in and out of the Mess Hall, when an
announcement comes over the public address system.

VOLLMER'S VOICE
(over P.A. system)
Attention, everybody. I have an
announcement. 'Effective today,
Thirteen April, Captain John S.
McIntyre, U.S. Army Reserve, is
appointed Chief Surgeon at 4077th
Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. Henry
B. Blake, Commanding Officer.'
(informally, on his
own)
Nice going, Trapper.

Ugly John and Captain Bandini shake Trapper's hand in
congratulations. The only two officers in the outfit who
don't like the news come out of the Mess Hall together: Major
Burns and Houlihan.

HOT LIPS
There's no point appealing to Colonel
Blake. They've got him bewitched.

FRANK
No. The only thing to do is write
General Hammond.
(knowing perfectly
well she has her own
tent)
But it's hard to find a place around
here for a private discussion.

HOT LIPS
I have a tent to myself.

FRANK
People will talk.

HOT LIPS
I don't mind. If we give them
something to talk about.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. HOT LIP'S TENT NIGHT

Hot Lips finishes reading the letter she and Frank have
drafted, signs it and stands up as she folds it and puts it
in a prepared envelope.

HOT LIPS
I think it's a marvelous letter.

FRANK
We're a good team.

HOT LIPS
We think the same way.

FRANK
It's supper time.
(as casually as he
can say it)
But you're not hungry are you?

HOT LIPS
Ravenous. What about you?

FRANK
(trying to hide his
disappointment)
Well, sure, if you are, Margaret...

HOT LIPS
Anyway, we want to get this letter
off.

He grabs her and kisses her and from her reaction we get a
clear picture of the kind of female she is. She responds to
the kiss fervently, pressing her lips and body against his,
but the moment she decides to end it she switches right back
to her businesslike manner.

HOT LIPS
The sooner it reaches him, the sooner
we can turn this into a tight military
outfit.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. MASH MAIN BUILDING AT MAIL DEPOSIT BOX NIGHT

Frank deposits the letter in the box while Hot Lips stands
by. Then they proceed on their way to the Mess Hall, unaware
that they have been observed by Radar on the other side of
the partition into which the mailbox is set.

INT. MASH MAIN BUILDING NIGHT

Radar picks up the letter Frank deposited and reads the
address.

INT. THE SWAMP NIGHT

There is a party going on. Present, in addition to the three
occupants, are Painless, Ugly John, Bandini, Judson, Vollmer,
Ho-Jon, Boone, Murrhardt and Seidman. Radar enters, engages
Hawkeye's attention and shows him the letter. Hawkeye glances
through it, looks to Radar for confirmation and, getting it,
tears up the letter. Meanwhile under Duke's leadership, a
bedpan is affixed with adhesive tape to Trapper's head.

DUKE
Hail to the chief! We-all got a
responsibility, men. He's crowned
like a king ought to be, but he can't
just walk to the Mess Hall by himself.
He has to be carried by native
bearers.

HAWKEYE
Good thinking, Duke. How about it,
Ho-Jon? Can you round up a few of
the boys?

HO-JON
I don't get what you mean, native
bearers.

MURRHARDT
Bear is the same thing as carry.

HO-JON
It's the other word I'm not sure.

HAWKEYE
(afraid of where this
is leading)
Never mind. Forget it.

DUKE
(simultaneously)
A native is someone who is born in a
particular place.

HO-JON
And if I go to New York, the natives
there will carry me? I don't think
so.

HAWKEYE
I don't think so either.

DUKE
I don't think I should have opened
my big mouth. Sorry, Ho-Jon.

HO-JON
(smiling)
That's okay. Live a little, learn a
little.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. MESS HALL NIGHT

Frank and Hot Lips, sitting by themselves in a corner are
disgusted, and the rest of the people there are mildly amused,
by the spectacle of Trapper's entrance. The new Chief Surgeon,
still wearing his bedpan crown, is borne in on his cot by
Hawkeye, Duke, Painless and Ugly John. They set him down and
break into song.

DUKE, HAWKEYE, PAINLESS AND UGLY JOHN
(singing)
Hail to the Chief And King of all
the surgeons He needs a queen To
satisfy his urgin's.

TRAPPER
(loudly, pointing at
Hot Lips)
I'd like to try out that one over
there.

HAWKEYE
Very well, Your Majesty.
(starting toward Frank
and Hot Lips)
Congratulations, Frank. He picked
you.

TRAPPER
No, no, that one.

HAWKEYE
Oh, you want to play it straight?
(to Hot Lips)
I guess I owe you an apology.

Her eyes blazing with indignation, Hot Lips gets up and stalks
out.

Frank follows her.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. HOT LIPS' TENT NIGHT

Frank is sitting next to Hot Lips on her cot with a soothing
arm around her.

FRANK
Godless buffoons, all of them.

HOT LIPS
(her hands on his
face, turning it
towards her)
It's that disrespect for you, that's
what I can't forgive them.

FRANK
Oh, I'm used to it. What makes me
sore is how they behave towards you.
(pulling her into a
tight embrace)
They ought to be grateful to have
you.
(kisses her, his hand
vanishing beneath
her skirt)
I certainly am.

HOT LIPS
(undoing one of his
buttons and sliding
her hand under his
blouse)
And I'm grateful for you, Frank,
especially with those boors around.
We've grown very close in a short
time.

He kisses her around the neck and bosom, removing such of
the clothing as gets in the way.

FRANK
It isn't just chance, I'm sure of
that. God meant us to find each other.

Instead of lingering on a scene that threatens to become
pornographic, our attention is drawn down beneath Hot Lips'
cot, where a strange object is being inserted under the canvas
wall of the tent. It is a microphone.

HOT LIPS
His will be done.
(then, in excited
response to an
inflammatory move on
his part)
Da-a-arling!

EXT. HOT LIPS' TENT NIGHT

Radar, who has just planted the microphone, lets a coil of
wire spin out as he moves away.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. HENRY'S OUTER OFFICE NIGHT

Gathered here illicitly, in what is not only Sergeant
Vollmer's domain but the communication hub of the post, are
Trapper, Duke, Radar and Ugly John. They are listening, on
their own private speaker, to what is being said in Hot Lips'
tent.

HOT LIPS' VOICE
(over speaker)
Frank... Frank... Frank... Frank...
Frank...

DUKE
What'd'y'all reckon he's doing to
her?

TRAPPER
Casting her horoscope.

FRANK'S VOICE
(over speaker)
Give me your lips, love. Set me on
fire.

DUKE
(to Radar)
Plug it in, boy. We got no call to
be selfish with a show like this.

Radar accordingly transfers the lead from the microphone to
the outlet for the post loudspeaker system.

EXT. ENLISTED MEN'S TENTS NIGHT

The occupants of one tent are engaged in a crap game, while
the men in the adjoining one are settling down for the night.
They are all dumbfounded to hear Hot Lips' voice over the
public address speakers.

HOT LIPS' VOICE
(over speaker)
I want you to make love to me all
night. I don't want anything to take
you away from me.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye is performing surgery on a patient, assisted by
Captain Bandini. Both doctors and Leslie, the nurse working
with them, have stopped to listen to the lovers' dialogue
coming over the OR speaker.

FRANK'S VOICE
(over speaker)
Nothing can, with the Colonel gone.
I'm in charge tonight.

INT. HOT LIPS' TENT NIGHT

Frank is on top of Hot Lips and, though the details of their
amorous activity are hidden under the covers, we can see
enough to know it is reaching a climax.

HOT LIPS
I like a man who is in charge.

Each word she speaks is instantly echoed on the speaker system
so that the word "charge" is still sounding after she has
finished saying it. She suddenly realizes there is something
wrong, though she doesn't immediately figure out what it is.

HOT LIPS
(disturbed)
Frank...

FRANK
Don't stop now! Please...

The word "please" is repeated so distinctly outside that,
while Frank in his critical condition remains unaware of it,
Hot Lips sits bolt upright, pushing him aside.

HOT LIPS
Wait a second...

FRANK
I can't... couldn't.

EXT. FRONT OF THE 4077TH DAY

A Jeep driven by Henry pulls up near the hospital entrance,
from which Radar emerges to meet him. Leslie also joins them.

RADAR
Good morning, Colonel.

HENRY
Morning, Radar. How were things?

RADAR
Splendid, sir. No problems.

HENRY
Morning, Captain.

LESLIE
Morning, Colonel.

INT. MESS HALL DAY

Hot Lips is finishing breakfast at a table with some of the
other nurses. Frank is sitting near her but at another table
with a handful of male officers, including Hawkeye directly
opposite him.

Duke and Trapper enter together as Hot Lips rises to leave.

TRAPPER
(cheerily, to nurses)
Morning, girls. Good morning Major.

HOT LIPS
(coldly)
Good morning.

DUKE
Hiya, Frank. Hiya, Hot Lips.

Duke and Trapper continue on their way to their table in the
officers' section. Frank reacts angrily and is about to go
after Duke when Hot Lips touches his shoulder and speaks in
a low tone.

HOT LIPS
No, leave all the rowdiness to them.
Calm down, drink your coffee.

Hawkeye probably can't make out her exact words, but his
gaze follows her as she goes out the open door. The he looks
at Frank, bending low across the table as if he, too, had
something confidential to say, but actually speaking quite
distinctly.

HAWKEYE
Tell me, Frank, is that stuff you're
tapping any good?

Frank reacts with such rage he can't speak for a moment.

EXT. MESS HALL DAY

Henry, Leslie and Radar, passing by the Mess Hall entrance,
encounter Hot Lips on her way out. Her salute catches Henry
by surprise, but he makes a quick stab at returning it though
his attention is on what he sees through the Mess Hall
windows.

HENRY
(to Radar)
Hawkeye and Frank Burns. That's
encouraging.

INT. MESS HALL DAY

Hawkeye, who can see Henry outside (which Frank can't),
affects surprise at receiving no answer to his question.

HAWKEYE
I was just asking...

FRANK
Shut up or I'll tear you apart.

EXT. MESS HALL DAY

HENRY
Can you make out what they're talking
about?

RADAR
I can try, sir.

INT. MESS HALL DAY

HAWKEYE
I only wanted to know what she's
like in the sack. Do those big boobs
hold up or are they kind of droopy?

EXT. MESS HALL DAY

RADAR
(to Henry)
Hawkeye's asking the Major's opinion
on a point of anatomy.

INT. MESS HALL DAY

HAWKEYE
Also I'm curious whether she's a
moaner or...

FRANK
Say that again and I'll kill you.

EXT. MESS HALL DAY

RADAR
The Major wishes to have the question
repeated.

INT. MESS HALL DAY

HAWKEYE
You know, does she go in for sound
effects...?

He keeps a wary eye on Frank while talking, and thus is able
to duck the coffee pot Frank hurls at him. From where Henry
stands in the doorway, this act of unprovoked aggression is
astonishing enough, for he can see Hawkeye innocently eating
his cereal, but the Colonel is even more amazed when Frank
follows it by springing across the table onto Hawkeye and
raining blows on him. Hawkeye puts up no resistance but simply
covers his head and screams.

HAWKEYE
Help! He's gone mad! Help, somebody!

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. MASH COMPOUND DAY

Two MPs are dragging Frank in a straitjacket to an MP Jeep.
They load him into the back and one of them gets in alongside
him while the other takes the wheel.

Watching the MPs drive off with their prisoner are Henry,
Duke and Trapper.

DUKE
Fair's fair, Henry. If I get into
Hot Lips and jump Hawkeye Pierce, do
I get to go home, too?

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. REPUBLIC OF KOREA ARMY INDUCTION CENTER IN SEOUL DAY
(SNOW IS GONE)

It is now February. A jeep with Hawkeye at the wheel, Ho-Jon
beside him, drives up to the entrance. Hawkeye gives Ho-Jon
a final instruction as the boy gets out of the Jeep and goes
into the building. Hawkeye finds a place to park in the shade.
Lieutenant Scorch is with them.

LIEUTENANT SCORCH
It was really nice of you to take me
along.

HAWKEYE
I didn't have much choice.

LIEUTENANT SCORCH
You really say the cutest things.

HAWKEYE
Yeah!

INT. KOREAN ARMY INDUCTION CENTER DAY

The locale is established by the presence of military
personnel in uniform and the fact that a KOREAN ARMY DOCTOR,
with the aid of one assistant, is examining in quick
succession a long line of naked young Korean boys. Ho-Jon's
turn comes up and we see how perfunctory the process is: a
brief overall scrutiny for visible defects, a blood pressure
reading, and the application of a stethoscope to a few key
spots. Ho-Jon looks healthy and the doctor is startled by
the unexpected reaction he gets on applying the stethoscope
to the boy's heart. He turns to check the blood pressure
figure which his assistant is about to record on the form he
has taken from Ho-Jon.

Apparently the pressure is just as out-of-line as the
heartbeat, and the doctor feels Ho-Jon is ineligible for
military service.

KOREAN DOCTOR
(to assistant, in
Korean)
We can't take this one. His heartbeat
is much too fast, and his blood
pressure is dangerously high.
(to Ho-Jon)
Have you ever seen a doctor before?
(abruptly, to assistant)
Wait a minute! What does it say there
about where he's been working?
(takes Ho-Jon's form
and reads the
information for
himself; then, to
assistant)
Get the check on his urine sample
right away.
(to Ho-Jon)
You'll have to wait around for a
while, young man. I need some more
information before I talk to you
again.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

EXT. KOREAN ARMY INDUCTION CENTER DAY

Hawkeye, with Lieutenant Scorch, waiting in the Jeep, is
startled at being addressed by a stranger, whom he recognizes
as the doctor that examined Ho-Jon. Ho-Jon is with him.

KOREAN DOCTOR
(in English)
You please excuse...
(as Hawkeye turns and
sees them)
I have been making examination of
this young man to find if he will be
soldier in our army.

HAWKEYE
Yes, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon. How did it
go?

KOREAN DOCTOR
I don't liking it at all, what I
hear when I listen to the heart. And
such a blood pressure for so young a
boys. Is frightening.

HAWKEYE
I'm sorry to hear that. You think
he's unfit for military service?

KOREAN DOCTOR
At first is no doubt. But then I am
seeing on his paper he work in
American hospital. And I think there
are so many drugs in such a places,
he could take some by mistake.

HAWKEYE
Why would he do that?

KOREAN DOCTOR
Who is knowing? But the drug I have
find in his urine is solving all
mysteries. By tomorrow will be gone
his fast heart and high blood
pressure. So I think maybe you will
like to tell him goodbye. Okay?

He gives Hawkeye a warm smile and leaves the two of them
alone. It's clear from Hawkeye's expression that he has no
choice but to admit defeat.

HAWKEYE
Sorry, Ho-Jon. I didn't think they'd
be that sharp. But I'm still going
to start the ball rolling for you to
go to college in America when you
get out. My old school, Androscoggin.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. OFFICERS' LATRINE DAY

It's a warm spring day in a climate much like the northeastern
part of the United States. At first we see nothing but the
latrine tent, which is identified by a sign. A couple of
small missiles propelled with considerable force strike the
canvas, but it is only when they roll back to the ground
that we can identify them as golf balls. A closer look at
the ground area reveals a dozen other balls scattered around,
and then we see two Korean Houseboys appear from protected
places on the sides of the tent, looking carefully to make
sure there are no more balls coming, and proceed to gather
up those on the ground. During this action there is the SOUND
of a helicopter landing near the hospital.

EXT. FIELD BEHIND OFFICERS' LATRINE DAY

The disreputability in clothes and grooming that has been
increasing with each view of the Swampmen has reached an
extreme stage in the view we now get of Hawkeye and Trapper.
ALong with their soiled fatigue pants, Hawkeye wears a torn,
dirty T-shirt of some unlikely color, Trapper a sport shirt
that looks as if he had picked it up in Hawaii on the way
over and worn it ever since. Both are unshaven.

Each has a well-equipped golf bag into which he now replaces
the iron club he has been using for the medium-range shots
they have been practicing. Taking out drivers, they set tees
in the ground and, as the houseboys run up with the balls,
Trapper indicates they will be shooting down the longest
dimension of the field. After addressing the balls with a
few practice swings, they deliver expert drives that are not
only in the 250-yard range but fairly straight in the intended
direction.

HAWKEYE
(pleased with himself)
I came within about ten yards of
you. You know something, Trapper,
the way we been going, if we ever
got to see a real golf course again,
I bet we could burn it up.

TRAPPER
As far as the greens maybe. I don't
know if my putting would come back
or not, without some practice.

The SOUND of the helicopter taking off again doesn't concern
them till they realize it is headed directly toward them. It
comes down so close to them they step back to avoid the wind
from the propeller blades, which the PILOT keeps going as he
and Vollmer climb out.

VOLLMER
(to pilot)
That's him on the right.

PILOT
That's Captain McIntyre?

VOLLMER
(to Trapper)
The Lieutenant's flown up from Seoul
just to find you.

PILOT
You're Captain McIntyre?

TRAPPER
That's what the Army calls me. Stick
out your tongue, take off your shirt
and tell me where it hurts you.

His face showing his bewilderment, the Pilot silently hands
Trapper a long white envelope and a large brown one. Trapper
tears open the white one, glances at the top copy of the
order it contains.

TRAPPER
'...Proceed immediately to Kokura,
Japan...'
(to Pilot)
Do you know what this is about?

PILOT
There's a GI there whose father's a
Congressman. A grenade went off in
training and they think there's a
piece of it in his heart.

TRAPPER
(opening brown envelope)
These his X-rays?

PILOT
Yes, sir. Apparently some big chest
surgeon in Boston told the Congressman
the only man to take care of his son
was Captain John McIntyre.
(his doubt undiminished)
I suppose there could be more than
one doctor with that name...

Trapper meanwhile has held the X-rays up to the sunlight and
invited Hawkeye to look at them at the same time.

TRAPPER
(looking back at
orders; to Hawkeye)
General Hammond says I can take anyone
along I need to assist me. Want to
come?

Hawkeye uses the pretense of scanning the X-rays from another
angle to draw Trapper aside, so they can speak without the
Pilot and Vollmer hearing them.

HAWKEYE
I'm not so sure the goddam thing's
in his heart.

TRAPPER
'Course it isn't, but how many chances
do we get to go to Japan? With our
golf clubs.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. AIRPORT IN KOKURA, JAPAN DAY

It is a bright, sunny afternoon in peaceful Japan. Hawkeye
and Trapper, in the same outlandish clothes, walk from the
military transport plane in which they have made the trip
from Seoul, and approach a car with "25TH STATION HOSPITAL"
emblazoned on its side.

The driver, SERGEANT GORMAN, is asleep. With their golf clubs
slung over their shoulders, they get into the back seat.
Hawkeye pulls the door closed with the loudest possible BANG,
and succeeds in waking Gorman, who turns on them with outraged
indignation.

GORMAN
Garrada there!

TRAPPER
What?

HAWKEYE
Let me translate. I've had some
exposure to the language. The young
man is from Brooklyn and he wants us
to vacate this vehicle.

TRAPPER
(to Gorman)
But weren't you supposed to meet the
surgeons who are going to slice up
the Congressman's son?

GORMAN
You guys are the quacks?

HAWKEYE
You betcher ever-loving A, buddy-
boy.

GORMAN
Poor kid. Goddam Army.

TRAPPER
But besides the operation, we've got
to get in at least eighteen holes of
golf.

HAWKEYE
So let's haul ass, Sergeant.

GORMAN
Goddam Army.

But he starts the engine.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. ARMY CAR DAY

There is silence between Sergeant Gorman and his passengers
as the military hospital comes into view. But something else
comes into view in the distance at the same time: the
unmistakable contours of a golf course.

TRAPPER
Look.

HAWKEYE
Beautiful. What do you think? Should
we stop and play nine holes now and
operate on the kid later? If he's
still alive.

GORMAN
Goddam Army.

TRAPPER
I think we ought to operate first,
no frills, get through it on the
double. Then we'll be nice and relaxed
on the course.

HAWKEYE
Good thinking.

GORMAN
Goddam, goddam Army.

They are coming to a stop in front of the hospital.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL DAY

A PRETTY WAC sits behind a reception desk doing a job so
utterly routine she doesn't even look up from her magazine
when Hawkeye puts a question to her.

HAWKEYE
Where's the Congressman's son at,
honey?

PRETTY WAC
Ward Six.

But then she does glimpse enough of their costumes to take a
full look, and her reaction indicates clearly that she is
not prepared for unkempt, unmilitary-looking men carrying
golf bags.

PRETTY WAC
Hey you can't go in there! Who are
you?

HAWKEYE
I'm the pro from Dover and this is
my favorite caddie.

PRETTY WAC
Well, you can't go in. No till you
tell me your business and I check
with Colonel Merrill's office.

HAWKEYE
(relenting)
Well, if you must know...

But Trapper has meanwhile made a feint toward the door, to
which the Pretty Wac responds by rising and interposing
herself in his path.

TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye)
Hold it. If this soldier enforces
her own orders. I'm ready to take
her on. Anxious. Single combat.

He moves toward the girl, who holds her ground staunchly
till they are almost in contact. Then she takes a step back,
and continues to take one step backwards for each one of his
in her direction. When they get close to the door, her
resistance collapses entirely and she scurries back to her
seat at the desk, where she grabs the phone as Trapper and
Hawkeye march through the door.

PRETTY WAC
(into phone)
Colonel Marril's office.

INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL DAY

All personnel, American and Japanese (who, like the Koreans
at MASH, do the menial work) react in surprise to the sight
of Trapper and Hawkeye making their way around a few corners
till they find Ward Six.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. WARD SIX DAY

Two golf bags are propped against the foot of the
Congressman's son's bed. Trapper listens closely to the boy's
chest while Hawkeye bends down to his ear to reassure him. A
WARD NURSE hovers near him, not actually cooperating with
them but not defying them either.

HAWKEYE
(to Congressman's son)
Don't worry, son. That's Captain
McIntyre, and he's the best chest
surgeon in the Far East and maybe in
the whole U.S. Army. He'll fix you
up fine. Your daddy saw to that.

TRAPPER
Just like we thought, it's a routine
problem. Nurse, who's in charge of
operating room preparations?

By the time he has begun his question to her, the WARD NURSE
has spotted someone approaching of whom she is in obvious
dread. And it is at this figure that she points by way of
answer: a firece looking NURSE CORPS CAPTAIN.

WARD NURSE
Sh-sh-she is.

Anticipating that a major confrontation is about to take
place, Trapper and Hawkeye decide to keep it away from their
patient's beside. Accordingly they pick up their golf bags
and go to meet the advancing Captain.

NURSE CORPS CAPTAIN
What are you hoodlums doing in this
hospital?

HAWKEYE
(politely)
We're surgeons, ma'am, we're here to
work. All we want is our starting
time.

NURSE CORPS CAPTAIN
You can't even look at a patient
here till Colonel Merrill says it's
okay. And he's still out for lunch.

TRAPPER
(quietly)
Look, Mother. I want to go to work
in one hour. We're the pros from
Dover and we figure to crack that
kid's chest and get out to the golf
course before it's dark. So find the
gas-passer and tell him to premedicate
the patient. Then bring me the latest
pictures on him; the ones we saw
must be forty-eight hours old by
now. And tell the kitchen to rustle
up some lunch. Ham and eggs'll do;
steak would be even better. And give
me at least one nurse who knows how
to work in close without getting her
tits in my way.
(as she hesitates)
You're going to have to move quicker
than that. I said an hour.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM DAY

CAPTAIN E.B. (ME LAY) MARSTON is the anesthesiologist at the
25th.

Wearing gown, cap, and mask, he is busily at work checking
the Congressman's son to make sure he is properly
anesthetized. At that moment the doors open and in come
Trapper and Hawkeye, also wearing OR outfits, as are the two
nurses who stand by waiting for them. Trapper looks
questioningly at Me Lay, who answers with a nod that all is
ready.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM DAY

The atmosphere in the OR is tense. Hawkeye is maintaining
proper traction on the clamp that holds the lung in place,
while Trapper concentrates on removing the fragment.

TRAPPER
Got it.

COLONEL MERRILL
I demand an explanation!

COLONEL MERRILL, Commanding Officer of the hospital, has
stormed through the OR swinging doors in full military uniform
without any antiseptic precautions.

HAWKEYE
(to circulating nurse)
Get that dirty old man out of the
operating room!

COLONEL MERRILL
I'm Colonel Merrill!

HAWKEYE
Beat it, Pop. If this chest gets
infected, I'll tell the Congressman
who did it.

To everyone's astonishment, including the Colonel's, it works.
He turns around and walks out without another word. Most
affected of all by Hawkeye's audacity is Me Lay, who reacts
with a sharp look in Hawkeye's direction and then by picking
up his anesthesia chart and writing, in the space labeled
"First Assistant," the name "Hawkeye Pierce."

TRAPPER
Okay, I'm closing up. Everybody relax.

ME LAY
(to Hawkeye)
May I have the surgeon's name, please?

HAWKEYE
He's the pro from Dover and I'm the
Ghost of Smokey Joe.

ME LAY
Save that crap for the rest of the
clamdiggers back home.

Both surgeons stop working in their surprise. Hawkeye looks
at the anesthesia chart and sees where Me Lay has written
his name. Then he takes a closer look at Me Lay himself, or
what shows of him between his cap and his mask.

HAWKEYE
(to Trapper)
Did I ever tell you about Me Lay
Marston?

TRAPPER
Your high school friend who went
around saying 'Me lay, you lay?' to
all the young females in the
community. As I remember, you said
it was quite a successful approach.

HAWKEYE
Well, he wouldn't score more than
once in seven or eight tries, but
the important thing was he didn't
waste time socializing. Anyway,
Trapper John, this is Me Lay.

ME LAY
The real Trapper John? The one who
threw you the famous pass and went
to greater glory on the Boston and
Maine Railroad?

HAWKEYE
The one and only.

ME LAY
Proud to know you, Trapper. Like to
shake your hand if you'll hurry up
and get that chest closed.
(looks around to make
sure the nurses can't
hear)
You still working the trains?

TRAPPER
Planes mostly. May take a crack at
rickshaws. How does the direct
approach work over here?

ME LAY
I been out of action since I got
over here five months ago.

HAWKEYE
You don't go after the local scrunch?

ME LAY
I'm too busy, actually. Not for the
Army, of course, but where I live.
Dr. Yamachi's New Era Pediatric
Hospital and Whorehouse. I'm serious.
The guy has this crude hospital for
kids and a whorehouse on the side to
finance it, all in the same building.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. SURGEONS' DRESSING ROOM, 25TH STATION HOSPITAL DAY

Hawkeye and Trapper have washed and put their golf practice
clothes back on. Me Lay is dressed in fresh fatigues with
Captain's bars.

HAWKEYE
(to Me Lay)
What do you do in the joint besides
pimp?

ME LAY
That's about the only thing I don't
do that I'm built for. I inspect
the girls and take care of some of
the kids in the hospital. Sometimes
I tend bar and act as bouncer.

A CORPORAL enters with the manner of a messenger from on
high.

CORPORAL
Captain Pierce? Captain McIntyre?
Colonel Merrill wishes you to report
to his office immediately.

HAWKEYE
Tell him we'll think about it.
(to Trapper)
I suppose we do have to reach some
sort of understanding with the old
boy.

TRAPPER
(to Me Lay)
What's the bastard really like?

ME LAY
(for the Corporal's
benefit as well as
theirs)
Colonel Merrill is a veteran of twenty-
five years in the Regular Army, a
soldier first and a doctor second. A
member of several patriotic
organizations, he believes it's
America's God-given mission to
maintain a foothold for freedom on
the Asian mainland.

TRAPPER
That bad?
(to Hawkeye)
But I guess you're right. We might
as well see him.
(reaches for golf
bag, to Corporal)
Got any caddie carts?

CORPORAL
What?

Trapper just slings his golf bag over his shoulder with a
sigh, as does Hawkeye. Me Lay, meanwhile, has written a few
words on a scrap of paper.

TRAPPER
(to Corporal)
Never mind.

ME LAY
(hands paper to Hawkeye)
The address of the N.E.P.H. and W.
Why don't you meet me there when
you're through golf for drinks and
dinner and whatever strikes the fancy?

TRAPPER
Mine's already been struck, and it
doesn't have to be very fancy.

HAWKEYE
(to Corporal)
Lead the way.

The Corporal does so and they follow him out.

INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL DAY

Hawkeye and Trapper come out of the dressing room after the
Corporal and follow him down a corridor. Then they realize
to their surprise that there are two other soldiers following
them who have been stationed outside the dressing door. Their
invitation from the Colonel is getting to seem less casual
every moment.

INT. COLONEL MERRILL'S OUTER OFFICE DAY

A SECOND LIEUTENANT and a Sergeant seated on opposite sides
of a desk look up with interest as Trapper and Hawkeye come
in with escorts fore and aft.

SECOND LIEUTENANT
These the prisoners?

CORPORAL
Yes, sir.

Hawkeye and Trapper exchange looks.

SECOND LIEUTENANT
They can wait in the Colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.

The Corporal opens the door to the Colonel's empty and quite
luxurious office. Trapper and Hawkeye go in with their golf
bags.

INT. COLONEL MERRILL'S OFFICE DAY

Trapper and Hawkeye enter, the door closing behind them, and
look around. It is a long time since they have seen
surroundings like these, with Western upholstered furniture,
pictures on the walls and high quality wall-to-wall carpeting.
It is this last feature that attracts Hawkeye's attention.
He squats down to feel its texture and with a look invites
Trapper to do the same. Trapper is also impressed with the
smoothness of the surface, and without having to exchange a
word about it, they each find a putter and a golf ball and
start lining up targets for their brief sorely missed putting
practice.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. COLONEL MERRILL'S OFFICE DAY

The Colonel comes in militarily, which is the way he makes
all his entrances.

COLONEL MERRILL
You men are under arrest!

TRAPPER
Quiet! Can't you see I'm putting?

COLONEL MERRILL
I'll have you...!

HAWKEYE
Please!
(completes a putt,
walks over and picks
up ball)
Face it, Colonel, you don't have us,
we have you. Your boys blew this
case, we bailed you out. We figure
we ought to hang around a day to
check the Congressman's kid, and we
also figure to play some golf. So if
that's okay with you, we got a deal.

TRAPPER
And if it isn't, why don't we call
Washington on your telephone? You
tell your story, we'll tell ours.

HAWKEYE
(picking up his clubs)
When you make up your mind, get in
touch. The golf club is probably the
best place to leave a message.

Trapper has also taken his golf bag, and the two of them
walk out serenely together. The Colonel supports himself on
his desk as he makes his way to his chair and sits down to
absorb the shock to his system.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. JAPANESE GOLF CLUB PRO SHOP LATE AFTERNOON

The shop features an assortment of Western style golfing
attire, all about two decades behind the times. Trapper is
holding a pair of 'plus fours' in front of him to test the
size. The GOLF PRO looks on with the studied approval of the
dedicated salesman everywhere; Hawkeye with amusement.

TRAPPER
These the longest you've got?

GOLF PRO
Wonderful. They are looking like
they are made for you.

Hawkeye has discovered a pair of knee-length argyle socks,
which he exhibits to Trapper.

HAWKEYE
We got to have these to wear with
them.
(glances out window)
You know, by the time we get all
this stuff on, it'll be practically
dark.

Two GIRL CADDIES enter the shop while he is speaking. They
are very young, not more than seventeen, dressed in slacks.
They see Trapper and Hawkeye's golf bags and start to sling
them over their shoulders.

TRAPPER
(agreeing)
Yeah, maybe we ought to...
(sees caddies)
Hey, who are they?

GOLF PRO
Your caddies. But perhaps it is
becoming too late to start.

TRAPPER
(walking over to
caddies for closer
look)
Not at all.
(touches the prettier
one under the chin
to raise her downcast
head)
What's your name, honey?

HAWKEYE
Come on, Trapper. We got to forget
golf for today.

TRAPPER
I don't know why. As long as it's
light enough to see your caddie.

HAWKEYE
(to Golf Pro)
What's the age of consent in this
country?

GOLF PRO
Which? I do not know what you mean.

HAWKEYE
Never mind.
(to Trapper)
Let's take one sport at a time. The
place for tonight's is the New Era
Pediatric Hospital Et Cetera.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. DR. YAMACHI'S N.E.P.H. & W. DINING ROOM NIGHT

Trapper and Hawkeye, dressed in kimonos, are sitting Japanese
style on the floor with Me Lay around a low table. Three
girls serve them attentively, doing everything for them except
actually feeding them.

A girl named MICHIKO takes away a plate that Trapper has
left virtually untouched and puts a bowl of thick soup in
front of him.

The second girl serves soup to Hawkeye and Me Lay, and the
third brings in a large bowl of rice.

TRAPPER
Soup? Rice? What are we doing,
beginning all over again?

ME LAY
No, we had a clear soup to start.
This is a thick one and you ought to
taste it. There's nothing like it
back home.

TRAPPER
How can I taste it now? We've already
had like twelve courses.

MICHIKO
You are not wishing to eat more? I
bring you most special plum brandy.

TRAPPER
I don't want it. I don't want to
eat, I don't want to drink.
(reaches out and grabs
Michiko's ankle)
All I want...

There is a KNOCK on the door, followed immediately by the
entrance of a Japanese nurse, who indicates an urgent desire
to speak to Me Lay. Me Lay gets up and listens to what she
tells him in an undertone. Trapper meanwhile has succeeded
in pulling Michiko off her feet, and makes clear the general
direction of his intentions by sprawling out on the floor
with her in his embrace.

ME LAY
(to Hawkeye and Trapper)
Can you guys take one minute to look
at a kid for me?

TRAPPER
Now?

HAWKEYE
(to Me Lay)
Why can't you look at him?

ME LAY
I have but well, you know, I've been
mainly an anesthetist a long time
now and... well, I'd like you guys
to take a look at him.

HAWKEYE
What's the story?

ME LAY
Well, one of the girls got careless
and two days ago she gave birth to
an eight-pound American-Japanese
male.

HAWKEYE
What's wrong with him?

ME LAY
Every time we feed him, it either
comes right back up or he coughs and
turns blue and has a hell of a time.

TRAPPER
(releasing Michiko
and sitting up
reluctantly)
We don't have to see him. Call that
halfassed Army hospital and tell
them to be ready to put some lipiodol
in this kid's esophagus and take X-
rays.

ME LAY
But it's ten-thirty at night. We
can't get military personnel out for
a civilian. A foreign civilian.

HAWKEYE
Don't give them any unnecessary
details. Just say the pros from Dover
are on their way with an emergency.
And you'd better get the OR cranked
up because I got a feeling you're
going to pass some gas while I help
Trapper close a little bastard's
tracheo-esophageal fistula.

INT. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Three OR nurses are at work getting things on order when the
swinging doors open and Me Lay, carrying the two-day-old
baby, enters, accompanied by Hawkeye and Trapper. Nothing
has led the nurses to expect an infant patient, and they are
distinctly taken aback.

FIRST OR NURSE
Where did that baby come from? Is
that what you got us up for?

HAWKEYE
Yes, ladies, that's why we got you
up. Me Lay, put him down there...
(indicating operating
table)
...and get ready to start giving him
the anesthetic.
(to nurses)
We stumbled on this deal. We didn't
want it but we don't see how we can
walk away from it, no matter whose
rules are broken. This baby has no
legal right to be taken care of in
an Army hospital, though his father
was probably an American soldier.
But he's going to die if we don't
fix him now, tonight. So what about
it?

FIRST OR NURSE
Let's get going.

Me Lay places the mask attached to his gas container on the
baby's face ans starts to administer a carefully limited
quantity.

COLONEL MERRILL
This time I will not be intimidated!

He has come into the OR while he is talking, and he is so
menacing that all preparations are halted while he finishes
his pronouncement.

COLONEL MERRILL
I command that this improper and
illegal use of Army facilities cease
immediately. Twice you men have forced
me into appeasing your aggression by
threatening me with what you'll say
to a certain Congressman. Well, I
don't care what you tell him or anyone
else! I don't care if it costs me my
command and my whole career in the
Army. On this point I stand as a
matter of principle, as unshakable
as the Rock of Gibraltar.

HAWKEYE
Me Lay? Trapper?

Moving in concert, Hawkeye and Trapper grab Colonel Merrill
and drag him over to Me Lay's end of the operating table. Me
Lay takes the anesthetic mask from the baby's face and clamps
it firmly on the Colonel's. The Colonel struggles for a while
but they manage to hold him and pretty soon he is quiet.

HAWKEYE
Is he out?

TRAPPER
Like the Rock of Gibraltar.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. DR. YAMACHI'S N.E.P.H. & W. HALLWAY NIGHT

Trapper, Hawkeye and Me Lay are half-dragging, half-carrying
Colonel Merrill along a corridor, and girls, including Michiko
and the others we have seen before, have come out of their
rooms to watch.

ME LAY
He's coming to.

HAWKEYE
Let's get his clothes off quick.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. DR. N.E.P.H. & W. BEDROOM NIGHT

Colonel Merrill is stirring on the bed as Hawkeye and Me Lay
remove the last item of his clothing. The Colonel opens his
eyes but he is still too drugged to have any idea where he
is or how he got there.

ME LAY
Okay, Michiko.

Michiko moves toward the bed, removing the kimono which is
her only garment. At the same time Hawkeye grabs a camera,
which is all ready for use with a flashbulb attachment and
starts to take a series of shots of the Colonel and Michiko,
both naked in the bed. The Colonel reacts to the intermittent
bursts of light.

COLONEL MERRILL
What the hell's going on?

MICHIKO
Please, you no worry, sweetheart.
Just keeping close.

HAWKEYE
(after five or six
shots)
All right, that's plenty. You can
put your clothes on, Colonel.

Michiko reaches for her kimono and puts it back on as she
gets out of bed. The Colonel sits up, still a bit dazed but
becoming more aware of what's happening all the time.

COLONEL MERILL
I've been framed!

HAWKEYE
That's what they all say. But I have
photographic evidence here that you're
a lecherous old man and a disgrace
to the uniform. However, I won't
even develop the film if your people
watch that baby we operated on like
he was the Congressman's grandson.
Which for all we know he may be.

INT. DR. YAMACHI'S N.E.P.H. & W. HALLWAY NIGHT

Michiko joins Me Lay.

MICHIKO
Where is Captain McIntyre? I am
waiting so long for him.

Me Lay open a bedroom door, revealing Trapper fully dressed
and sound asleep on the bed.

ME LAY
Give him a few hours, Michiko. Right
now he couldn't get up a flight of
stairs.

Michiko's answering smile indicates superior feminine wisdom
in these matters. She goes into the room, closing the door
behind her.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. WARD SIX. 25TH STATION HOSPITAL DAY

Hawkeye, dressed in the Japanese adaptation of the well-
dressed American golfer of the 1930's, and carrying his golf
bag, is at the Congressman's son's bedside. He looks at the
boy's chart and then at the patient himself, finding both of
them quite satisfactory.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM DAY

Trapper, similarly outfitted with individual variations of
his own, has just examined the baby they operated on. He
writes out some instructions and gives them to a nurse. Then
he picks up his golf bag and goes out to a corridor where
Hawkeye is waiting for him.

They start to walk toward the hospital entrance, finally
ready for a few hours of relaxation on the golf course.

VOICE
(over loudspeaker
system)
Captain Pierce and Captain McIntyre!
Please contact the message center.
Captain Pierce and Captain McIntyre!

They look at each other with foreboding.

HAWKEYE
It couldn't be good news.

By joint unspoken agreement, they quicken their pace in the
same direction. Then their resolution falters.

TRAPPER
(to a passing nurse)
Where's the goddam message center?

TIME LAPSE:

INT. 4077TH MASH LATE AFTERNOON

OR facilities are being utilized to capacity. For the first
time we see Henry himself in surgeon's working dress, winding
up an operation. Completing his work, looking tired and
anxious, he walks through the crowded OR to the Preop Ward,
which is also jammed up with cases awaiting surgery. Leslie
comes to meet him.

HENRY
What's the lineup, Major?

LESLIE
Six cases ready for surgery, sir,
and four more that just need a little
more blood or a little more time for
the antibiotics to take hold.

HENRY
I guess we can handle them, if there
aren't any six o'clock choppers.
Every time they fly while it's still
daylight, they've got wounded that
can't wait.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH LATE AFTERNOON

Henry's watch says a minute or two after six o'clock. Once
more, as at the beginning, he is standing outside the
Admitting Ward with Radar, listening for helicopters coming
from the north. Radar, straining his superhearing to listen,
reacts unhappily to a sound neither we nor Henry can catch.

RADAR
Chopper coming in, Colonel. Two of
them, I'm afraid.

HENRY
Damn.

RADAR
(a puzzled look)
And another one, but it's from the
south.
(looking south)
There.

Henry looks eagerly to the south as the COMBINED SOUND of
three helicopters becomes audible and quickly mounts in
intensity.

EXT. SKY TO THE SOUTH DAY

A helicopter (the type that came from Seoul to pick up Trapper
and Hawkeye, rather than the Air Rescue Squadron ones that
bring the wounded from the front) approaches the landing
area and starts to make its descent. There is a golf bag
full of clubs attached to each of its pods.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. ADMITTING WARD DAY

Trapper and Hawkeye, conspicuous because they are still in
their golf costumes, are among the surgeons checking the
newly arrived wounded. More cases are still being brought in
from helicopters and ambulances, mainly on stretchers, a few
under their own power assisted by a Medical Corpsman or two.
This is really the most hideous face of war; the mangled
bodies and limbs and faces, the expressions alive with pain
and dulled by shock, are more terrible than any number of
quiescent corpses. Trapper finishes examining a man and speaks
to Hot Lips.

TRAPPER
This one goes right to the OR. Tell
Duke to do him ahead of the busted
spleen.
(moving on to another
patient, a Korean)
And this kid can't wait. I'll take
him myself, before I get to that
ruptured diaphragm.

HOT LIPS
Captain...
(securing his attention)
'This kid' is a prisoner of war.

TRAPPER
Yeah?

HOT LIPS
It's an American boy's rupture you're
supposed to close.

TRAPPER
Listen, we get a deluge like this,
just deciding priorities on a medical
basis is hard enough. So never mind
the side issues.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

A few days later. Duke is working deep inside a belly with a
new young surgeon, CAPTAIN LAPHAM, assisting him. Lapham
glances at the patient's face.

LAPHAM
Duke...

Duke looks, too, and the patient's eyes are enough to tell
him the job he's doing no longer has any function. After an
almost superfluous check of the heartbeat, Lapham closes the
man's eyes.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye, with Ugly John handling the anesthetic, is digging
out pieces of metal from a face that will never quite look
like a face again.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Trapper, with Painless filling in as anesthesioloigist, is
working in close to a patient's heart. Suddenly all the lights
in the OR go out. This is not an unprecedented event, and
one by one three corpsmen appear in different locations around
the operating table with flashlights whose combined beams
make it possible for Trapper to carry on.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

With the electric light restored, Duke and Lapham are at
work on another case, removing several feet of small bowel
no longer useful to the owner.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Henry and Murrhardt, with Scorch assisting, are amputating
an arm.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

A dead patient, face covered with a sheet is removed from an
operating table by two corpsmen. Immediately two other
corpsmen bring a stretcher to the other side of the table
and unload a new patient onto it. Ugly John and a nurse start
to prepare him for surgery.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye, with Knocko helping, is sewing up an incision which
we can see is in the area of the groin. Dago Red comes by.

DAGO RED
Nice looking kid. Going to be okay?

HAWKEYE
He'll live if that's what you mean.
But somebody better be around when
he comes to and finds out there's
nothing left between his legs.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. ADMITTING WARD DAY

A few days later. A new group of patients is being brought
in on stretchers by corpsmen. Trapper and Duke are examining
an unconscious Negro private. Trapper looks at him with
special attention to the eyes. The right pupil is dilated
and fixed. Duke meanwhile checks his pulse and blood pressure.

DUKE
Pulse, slow, very little pressure.

TRAPPER
Look at that right eye.

DUKE
Epidural hematoma?

TRAPPER
I don't know what else. You've been
that route a little, haven't you?

DUKE
Not enough to be a pro.

He moves to another case. Duke continues to examine the
private with particular attention to the right side of the
head. The more he observes, the more alarmed he becomes.

DUKE
(to corpsman)
Into the OR! Right now.

He runs ahead of the stretcher through the Preop Ward. At
the entrance to the OR he runs into Knocko.

DUKE
Quick, Knocko, get me gloves, knife,
hammer, chisel, Gelfoam and a drain.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM DAY

Knocko finishes saving and cleaning the right temporal area
of the unconscious private's head, and Duke wastes no time
making an incision down to the bone.

DUKE
Okay, give me the hammer and chisel.
There are drills you can make nice,
neat holes in the skull with, but we
ain't got none.
(taking hammer and
chisel, fortifying
himself for the act)
So here goes.

He pounds the chisel into the private's skull and keeps at
it till he cracks his way through. Blood flows out in a
torrent. Duke pulls his tools away and just watches. Very
quickly he is rewarded by the sight of a torrent diminishing
to a dribble.

KNOCKO
What happens now?

DUKE
We sew him up.

He stuffs Gelfoam down into the bleeding site, puts in a
rubber drain and starts to sew the skin back together with
silk sutures.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM DAY

The private is moaning and stirring restlessly on the table
as Duke finishes closing the incision and Knocko takes the
Patient's pulse.

KNOCKO
Pulse is way back. Nearly sixty.

DUKE
We took the pressure off his brain.
You know, Knocko, this boy might
just make it, and if he does you and
me ought to be ready with a story.

KNOCKO
What do you mean?

DUKE
One thing everybody knows for sure
that don't know hardly anything else,
is how delicate any kind of brain
surgery is. So I certainly wouldn't
like it if there was somebody going
around saying all I did was crack
him on the head with a hammer and
chisel.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. ADMITTING WARD DAY

Hawkeye is examining a young PRIVATE FIRST CLASS who is in
shock, semiconscious and saturated with mud over his whole
uniform, hair and skin. There is a muddy, bloody bandage
around his neck.

HAWKEYE
(to a corpsman)
Get that bandage off so I can see
what the hell's underneath.

He moves on to the next stretcher. The corpsman undoes the
bandage and pulls it away. The Private First Class turns his
head to the left, and blood spurts two feet into the air
from a hole in the right side of his neck.

PRIVATE FIRST CLASS
Mama, Mama! Oh, Mama, I'm dying!

The blood continues to gush as the people in the immediate
vicinity watch in fascination. As it comes down again if
falls on the PFC's face and into his mouth. He reacts by
coughing, spraying his audience with blood. Hawkeye runs
back and sticks his index finger down the hole, blocking off
the severed artery and stopping the flow of blood.

HAWKEYE
(to corpsmen)
Bring him to the OR right on this
stretcher. I can't take my finger
out. Somebody find Ugly John and get
his ass in there.

They are already in motion toward OR, Hawkeye moving along
beside the stretcher with his finger in the hole. On the way
they pass near Leslie.

HAWKEYE
This one is urgent, Les. Start
somebody cutting off his clothes.
Tell the lab to come in with a couple
of pints of low titre O, and type
and cross-match him for five or six
more. Get somebody to do two
countdowns and start the blood. Come
to think of it, get somebody to start
rounding up donors, and send some
cowboys to Seoul for all the goddam
blood they can get. And get that
miserable gas-passer in here!

UGLY JOHN
(at OR entrance)
I'm here.

HAWKEYE
Good. Get him asleep and a tube in
him if you can. His common carotid
is cut and I can't do anything with
the son-of-a-bitch jumping all over
the place.
(to Leslie)
Find somebody to help me. I got to
keep a finger on this or we lose
him, and I can't get it clamped with
my left hand.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM DAY

The PFC has been transferred to an operating table without
Hawkeye losing his finger pressure on the artery. The clothes
have been cut off him, and Ugly John has both blood and
anesthetic going into him, the latter through an intratracheal
tube. Hawkeye has a scalpel in his left hand and with it he
enlarges the wound around his right index finger. Then he
tries to slide a Kelly clamp down his finger into the wound
to clamp the artery but he can't manage it lefthanded.

He looks desperately around the OR only to observe that every
surgeon and nurse is fully engaged, including Henry and Hot
Lips. Ugly John is having a hard time fulfilling his dual
function as it is, and can't possibly take on another. Hawkeye
tried again with the clamp and fails, and then, to his great
relief, there appears within in his peripheral vision as he
concentrates his attention on the PFC's neck, a male figure,
gowned, capped, masked and gloved. It doesn't matter to
Hawkeye which of his colleagues it is; he just tells him
what assistance he needs from him.

HAWKEYE
Grab this Kelly, ride it down my
fingers and we'll have this mother
under control.

The newcomer, though Hawkeye doesn't realize it, is Dago
Red.

Following instructions, he takes the clamp and inserts it in
the wound.

DAGO RED
What do I do with it Hawk? This is a
little out of my line.

HAWKEYE
Didn't recognize you, Red. When you
get the clamp all the way down, open
it as wide as you can and see if you
can close it on the artery.

Dagor Red obeys these orders cautiously. When he widens the
clamp and starts to close it again, he has the satisfying
sensation of feeling something substantial, and seizes it
vigorously.

DAGO RED
I got it! I got it!

But what he has grabbed with the clamp is Hawkeye's finger
and Hawkeye, by reflex action, pulls it out to where we can
see it with the clamp grasping it. The blood starts to spurt
again and Hawkeye goes back into the wound, but this time
with his left index finger.

HAWKEYE
You got my finger for Christ's sake.
But maybe I can do better with my
right hand.
(inserts a retractor
into wound, puts the
working end of it in
Dago Red's hands,
taking back the Kelly
clamp)
Pull it toward you. More. Good.
(rides clamp down his
left index finger
and this time he
closes it on the
right place)
There. That does it for now.
(to Ugly John)
We'll keep him right where he is
till Trapper John can give me a hand
sewing that artery back together.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH LATE AFTERNOON

Two helicopters descend to the ground, and corpsmen start
unloading the wounded. Also visible are a couple of ambulances
that are being unloaded. Henry and the three Swampmen have
stepped outside the Admitting Ward entrance to watch. They
are all haggard, unshaven and groggy, but Henry, the oldest,
is the one who shows the strain the most.

HENRY
Fifteenth straight day there've been
six o'clock choppers. How long can a
battle go on?

HAWKEYE
You got to relax, Henry. Since the
deluge started, you been working in
the OR and running the outfit, too.

TRAPPER
Best thing you could do for all of
us is grab some sack time.

HAWKEYE
(calling)
Radar!

Radar appears as usual on the instant.

RADAR
Yes, sir? I've been trying to persuade
the Colonel to take some rest.

DUKE
Well, stop persuading, just make
him.

RADAR
(to Duke)
Yes, sir.
(to Henry)
Come along, sir.

Henry is so fatigued he allows himself to be led away by
Radar.

HAWKEYE
Believe me, Henry, outside of us, no
one'll even know you're gone.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. PREOP WARD DAY

Here the more seriously wounded of those brought into the
Admitting Ward are getting transfusions, have had Foley
catheters inserted in their bladders and/or Levin tubes in
their stomachs, and have their X-rays on display on wires in
front of each cot. Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke are checking
them to establish priorities. They reach the last cot, on
which Ho-Jon is lying, attended by a Corpsman we haven't
seen before.

CORPSMAN
This kid is pretty bad.

Out of habit Hawkeye looks at the X-ray first.

HAWKEYE
For you, Trapper.

TRAPPER
(looking at X-ray)
Okay, but I'll need you to help.
Duke, will you take that belly back
there? The Australian?

Duke turns back to undertake his assignment. Trapper and
Hawkeye continue to study the X-ray.

HAWKEYE
It's in pretty deep.

TRAPPER
Yeah, and he's lost a lot of blood.
I'm afraid it's hit more that just
the lung.

Ho-Jon opens his eyes and smiles at the sight of his old
friends.

CORPSMAN
(to Ho-Jon)
You'll be okay, boy.

HO-JON
I know. I got the best there is.
Captain Pierce and Captain...

HAWKEYE
Christ, it's Ho-Jon!

TRAPPER
Hiya, Ho-Jon. You got a piece of a
shell in your chest, but we'll take
it out as soon as you've had more
blood. Hey, Radar!

Radar, passing through the ward, comes over in response to
the summons.

TRAPPER
(to Radar)
Has that A-negative come from Seoul?
We'll need some in the OR.

RADAR
There isn't any. We keep ordering
and they don't deliver.

HAWKEYE
We got to have at least one pint.
It's for Ho-Jon.

Radar reacts in surprise and looks toward Ho-Jon's cot.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye is assisting Trapper in making the incision in Ho-
Jon's right chest. Ugly John is giving the boy additional
anesthetic.

HAWKEYE
If we squeeze him through, I'm going
to get him into Androscoggin College.

TRAPPER
How about squeezing him through into
Dartmouth? If all he wants to do is
catch lobsters, he can learn that
here.

HAWKEYE
Dartmouth's too big and too expensive.
If he's as good as I think he is, he
can move into the big league later.
But Androscoggin first.

TRAPPER
(studying the incision)
We'll need room. The sixth rib goes.

HAWKEYE
Never mind the conversation. Do it,
Dad.

TRAPPER
You aspirate the blood from the chest
cavity. Damn, there's more of it
than I thought.

HAWKEYE
(preparing to use
suction device)
If we don't get that pint, he's in
trouble.

EXT. AND INT. HENRY'S TENT NIGHT

Radar, followed by an associate lab technician, enters Henry's
tent.

Henry is snoring away in deep sleep. Gently Radar straightens
Henry's right arm and deftly injects Novocaine over a vein.
Henry stirs.

HENRY
(mumbling in sleep)
Not now, honey. Gobacksleep.

The lab technician tightens the sleeve of Henry's T-shirt to
serve as a tourniquet, and Radar expertly inserts a needle
into the vein and starts extracting blood into a pint
container.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye has finished aspirating the blood. Trapper reaches
down into the wound.

TRAPPER
(triumphantly)
I got it. Here, feel. In the cava.

He takes his hand out and lets Hawkeye put his in.

HAWKEYE
I don't feel anything.

TRAPPER
Oh, Jesus.

He indicates that he wants to feel again. Hawkeye withdraws
his hand and Trapper puts his back in again.

TRAPPER
I can't feel it now either. The mother
must have gone in.

HAWKEYE
I don't get it.

TRAPPER
It was in the cava and the hole sealed
itself off. I must have jiggled it
just enough to turn it loose. I can't
feel it in the heart or the right
pulmonary artery. So it's in the
left pulmonary artery.

HAWKEYE
What do we do?

TRAPPER
We'll have to close this hole and
make one on the other side.

HAWKEYE
Be kind of rough on him if there's
no blood. Why don't we close up and
sit on him a couple of days?

TRAPPER
Sure, that's the right way... at
John Hopkins or someplace. But how
do we know there won't be even more
of a jam-up a few days from now?
Maybe we won't be able to get to him
when we want to. Maybe the goddam
thing'll erode the artery when
nobody's looking. Our best shot is
now.

Radar comes up to the operating table with a container of
blood.

RADAR
A-negative. I've cross-matched it.

HAWKEYE
I though you said we didn't have a
drop.

RADAR
I found a doner.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Trapper has exposed Ho-Jon's left pulmonary artery. Duke and
Hawkeye are assisting him by applying traction to the tapes
on either side of where Trapper is now cutting the artery,
so that there is only a small flow of blood from the incision.
Trapper brings out his hand and displays the tiny metal
fragment which is the object of their efforts.

TRAPPER
(to Ugly John)
How is he?

UGLY JOHN
Nice.

TRAPPER
(to nurse)
Arterial silk.

He starts to sew the artery back together.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM

The artery is joined again.

TRAPPER
(to Hawkeye and Duke)
Ease off on those tapes, and let's
see how much it bleeds.
(sees a few drops of
blood come through
incision)
How is he?

UGLY JOHN
Nice.

TRAPPER
Boys, we're home free.

HAWKEYE
When will he be able to write?

DUKE
What's he got to write, for God's
sake?

HAWKEYE
An application to Androscoggin
College.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE DAY

Henry is on the phone. Hawkeye, Duke, Painless and Radar
wait eagerly for the news.

HENRY
(into phone)
Colonel Blake here.

INT. GENERAL HAMMOND'S OFFICE, 325 EVAC HOSPITAL DAY

HAMMOND, a one-star general, has a major and a lieutenant
colonel with him as he talks to Henry.

GENERAL HAMMOND
(into phone)
I got news for you, Henry. You've
been so concerned about that battle
for Old Baldy. It's all over.

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE DAY

Henry nods happily to the others to tell them that the word
is favorable.

HENRY
(into phone)
Thanks, General. Thanks for calling.

He hangs up and turns to the others to pass on the General's
exact words.

INT. GENERAL HAMMOND'S OFFICE, 325 EVAC HOSPITAL DAY

The General wasn't through talking and didn't expect Henry
to hang up at that point. He is quite startled, in fact,
because he has been saving the most important piece of
information for the end.

GENERAL HAMMOND
(to major and
lieutenant colonel)
He didn't wait to hear who won.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. FIELD NEAR RIVERBANK DAY

A very hot day in late August. Standing all by itself in an
empty field is a sign on which some fairly careful carpentry
and lettering work has been expended. It reads: "38TH PARALLEL
MEDICAL SOCIETY MEETS HERE SUNDAYS."

CAMERA PANS to the river, where Trapper, Hawkeye and Duke
are lying on their stomachs, naked or nearly so, on air
mattresses. The heat from which they seek relief is obviosly
intense, and they are pampering themselves further with tall,
ice-filled drinks. On the riverbank near them stands one
empty cup and one half-full bottle of Pimms No. 1 Cup, and
all three surgeons are more noticeably drunk than we have
previously seen them.

TRAPPER
She had this shiny black hair piled
up on her head, but later on she let
it hang loose and I'll be damned if
it didn't come all the way down to
her ass.

DUKE
I've always had a hankering for blonde
pussy myself. My wife's hair is a
wonderful golden yellow, and this
time of year it gets even lighter.

HAWKEYE
I guess that's why you go for Hot
Lips Houlihan.

DUKE
You know damn well I nearly puke
when I look at her. I don't even
think she's a real blonde.

HAWKEYE
How can you say a thing like that
about an officer in the United States
Army?

DUKE
I not only say it, I'll back it up
twenty buck's worth.

HAWKEYE
You got yourself a bet, Georgia boy.
(to Trapper)
You're a witness.

TRAPPER
Okay, I'm a witness, but how do you
prove who's right?

DUKE
There's only one way.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. SHOWER TENT NIGHT

Twelve hours later. The shower tent is simply an ordinary
Army tent enclosing a row of showers supplied by a water
tank on a high platform in back of the tent. Duke and Hawkeye
are working under cover of darkness to loosen each of the
stakes that secures the tent to the ground around it.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. THE SWAMP DAY

The following afternoon. Trapper and Hawkeye sit in chairs
outside their tent, glasses in hand, still on their tall,
hot-weather drink kick. Trapper looks at his watch.

TRAPPER
It's five minutes into nurses' shower
hour. Where are they?

HAWKEYE
They're coming.

EXT. MASH COMPOUND DAY

The Swamp is at the end of the officers' row nearest the
nurses' tents, so they have a good view of the women as they
emerge from their quarters dressed in bathrobes and carrying
towels, shower caps and bars of soap. The first two to appear
are Knocko and Lieutenant Scorch. Next, from her own private
tent, comes Hot Lips.

HAWKEYE
Hey, Knocko, I got those pictures
you promised to look at of my kids.
You too, Wilma. It won't take a
minute.
(to Hot Lips politely)
You can see them too, if you want.

HOT LIPS
No, thank you. I'm not the slightest
bit interested.

She continues on across the compound and enters the shower
tent.

Knocko and Lieutenant Scorch come over to the Swamp while
Hawkeye goes inside to find the pictures. Then two more nurses
emerge from a tent and head for the showers. Trapper gets up
and saunters over to intercept them.

EXT. SHOWER TENT DAY

The door of the tent is closed behind Hot Lips, and after a
moment there is the sound of water being turned on. Then our
attention is drawn to the peak of the tent, to which a thin
scarcely visible strand of wire has been attached. The wire
is drawn taut and runs across the peak of the barbershop
tent next door and down the far side of it to where Duke
sits on the ground operating a sort of windlass upon which
the wire is wound. He turns the crank with a quick burst of
energy.

Back at the shower tent the force of the wire pulls the canvas
tight, the loosened stakes come out of the ground, and the
whole tent is whisked right off its center pole, revealing
Hot Lips nude under the shower.

EXT. BARBERSHOP TENT DAY

Duke abandons his machine and moves to where he can get the
crucial view of Hot Lips. The he calls across the compound
to Hawkeye.

DUKE
Okay, Yankee know-it-all! Pay up!

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. HENRY'S TENT DAY

Hot Lips, in her robe, her hair still wet from the shower,
carrying her towel and shower cap, is expressing her wrath
forcefully to Henry, ignoring the facts that he is in bed
and that Leslie is in bed with him, which explains why we
have never seen anybody make a pass at her.

HOT LIPS
This isn't a hospital, it's an insane
asylum! And it's your fault because
you don't do anything to discourage
them!

HENRY
What do you expect me to do?

HOT LIPS
Put them under arrest! See what a
courtmartial thinks of their drunken
hooliganism. It started with their
calling me Hot Lips and your letting
them get away with it. You let them
get away with everything! And if you
don't turn them over to the MPs now,
I'm going to resign my commission
and...!

HENRY
Oh, g-g-goddamit, Hot Lips, resign
your ggodam c-commission!

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. FRONT OF 4077TH MASH NIGHT

Two days later. An Army car bearing the single star of a
brigadier general drives up to the entrance. The sergeant at
the wheel jumps out and open the rear door for General Hammond
and his aide, a captain.

GENERAL HAMMOND
(to aide)
Tell them I want to talk to all the
officers on the post except those on
emergency duty.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. MESS HALL NIGHT

Most of the officers of 4077th Mash are assembled to listen
to General Hammond. Henry and Hot Lips are both in the front
row but separated by some distance and not looking at each
other. All the Swampmen are on hand.

GENERAL HAMMOND
...These are very serious accusations,
and without prejudging the charges
against him, I am suspending Colonel
Blake from all his duties during the
investigation, which I will conduct
myself. I will also serve as your
Commanding Officer during that time.
I shall be calling on a number of
you for your individual testimony on
the points at issue.

Thank you. Carry on.

INT. DENTAL CLINIC NIGHT

Hawkeye, Duke and Painless are playing poker with a British,
a Norwegian and an Australian officer. It is close to two
o'clock the same night. General Hammond opens the door and
looks in, doesn't like what he sees and steps inside. All
six players are immediately aware of his presence but decide
to act as if they weren't.

HAWKEYE
(to British Officer,
who is dealing)
Gimme three.

GENERAL HAMMOND
At ease. Captain Pierce, you have a
seriously wounded patient for whom
you are responsible. Yet I find you
in a poker game.

HAWKEYE
You betcher ass, Dad.

GENERAL HAMMOND
What?

BRITISH OFFICER
One to the dealer.
(to Hawkeye)
You're the opener.

HAWKEYE
Check.

GENERAL HAMMOND
Pierce! That soldier requires
immediate attention. I'm a surgeon
and I know.

HAWKEYE
You betcher ass, General.

BRITISH OFFICER
I'll wager a dollar.

DUKE
I fold.

PAINLESS
See the bet.

NORWEGIAN OFFICER
Me likewise.

Hawkeye and the Australian throw in their hands.

GENERAL HAMMOND
Are you going to take care of your
patient or are you going to play
poker?

BRITISH OFFICER
King-high flush.

Painless and the Norwegian throw in their hands, and the
Englishman pulls in the pot.

HAWKEYE
(to the general)
I'm going to play poker until three
a.m. or until the patient is ready
for surgery. However, if you'd like
to operate on him yourself right
now, be my guest. I get the same
dough whether I work or not.

GENERAL HAMMOND
I want to talk to you, Pierce.

HAWKEYE
There's nothing to talk about,
General. You take the case yourself
or join me at three o'clock. Either
way you're liable to learn something.

The General is far from pleased with the disrespect accorded
him, but as the poker players start a new hand, he decides
against making an issue on terms selected by Hawkeye. Instead
he turns around and goes out.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Ugly John is attending a Korean soldier on the operating
table with a belly wound. The OR clock reveals that the time
is 2:55. Hawkeye and Seidman look in.

UGLY JOHN
He's practically there.

HAWKEYE
(to Seidman)
Please ask General Hammond to join
us.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. SURGEONS' WASH-UP ROOM NIGHT

General Hammond joins Hawkeye at the scrub sink, prepared to
take part in the coming operation.

HAWKEYE
General, at one-thirty when I checked
him last, this guy had had less than
a pint of blood, and he'd lost two
or three. His pulse then was 120 and
his blood pressure was about 90.
Now, at three o'clock, he's had three
pints of blood. His pulse is 80 and
his pressure 120. His collapsed lung
has been expanded and he's had a
gram of terramycin intravenously. We
can operate on him safely and we
should do it quickly, but we don't
have to do it frantically or
carelessly.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Hawkeye has been doing the repair work in the patient's belly,
with General Hammond functioning as a largely nonparticipating
assistant.

The incision is still open with sections of bowel on which
repairs have been done still exposed.

HAWKEYE
Now, General, I'm going to sandbag
you. Do you think we're ready to get
out of this belly?

GENERAL HAMMOND
Obviously you don't think so, and I
don't know why.

HAWKEYE
Well, Dad, we haven't found any holes
in the large bowel. They've all been
in the small bowel, but the smell is
different. I caught a whiff of large
bowel, but it ain't staring us in
the face, right?

GENERAL HAMMOND
Right.

HAWKEYE
So if it ain't staring us in the
face, it's got to be retroperitoneal.
And that, along with the look of the
wounds, makes me figure he's got a
hole in his sigmoid colon that we
won't find unless we look for it.

He has been working all the time he has been talking, and
now, after a little more manipulation within the incision,
is able to indicate the perforation he has hypothecated.

HAWKEYE
And there it is.

GENERAL HAMMOND
I'm impressed, Pierce. Naturally,
the kind of job I have, I don't get
much chance to keep up with what
goes on in the OR.

HAWKEYE
Neither does Henry Blake. But I'll
tell you what makes him the best
C.O. you've got in any of your
hospitals. He leaves all the medical
decisions to the men who do the day-
to-day work and understand what
meatball surgery is.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. THE SWAMP DAY

The following day. General Hammond is having a drink with
Hawkeye, Trapper and Duke. Ho-Jon keeps the glasses full.

TRAPPER
It certainly isn't Henry's fault Hot
Lips Houlihan doesn't like her name.

DUKE
Or her figger.

HAWKEYE
She's so square she's even against
our having a football team.

This stirs the General's curiosity, but Duke speaks before
he has a chance to ask his question.

DUKE
You don't think we'd be speaking up
for a goddam Regular Army colonel,
do you, if it wasn't important?
Begging your pardon, General. I
forgot.

GENERAL HAMMOND
(to Hawkeye)
Football?

TRAPPER
Anybody you replaced Henry with
couldn't last. We guarantee that.

GENERAL HAMMOND
I didn't know you had a football
team.

HAWKEYE
Well, it's still pretty much in the
talk stage.

GENERAL HAMMOND
We had a team at the 325th Evac last
fall. I coached the boys myself.

HAWKEYE
I think I heard about that.

GENERAL HAMMOND
Now we're working out a schedule of
the outfits we're going to play this
year. We all chip into a pool and
make bets.

HAWKEYE
Must be fun. But the point we want
to make about Henry...

GENERAL HAMMOND
(rising)
I'm sure we could find a date for
your team. Why don't I take it up
with Henry?
(exiting)
Thanks for the drink, boys.

After the General has left, the other two Swampmen look at
Hawkeye uncomprehendingly.

DUKE
Where the hell we going to get us a
football team?

HAWKEYE
All three of us played for our
schools. And there are at least four
other guys...

TRAPPER
But he's got five times the man-power
to draw on.

HAWKEYE
We can balance that by getting
ourselves a ringer. Henry has to say
he needs a neurosurgeon and put in a
specific request for Dr. Oliver Harmon
Jones.

DUKE
Never heard of him.

HAWKEYE
Sure you have, only as 'Spearchucker'
Jones.

DUKE
The nigra boy with the Philadelphia
Eagles?

TRAPPER
He only lasted one season.

HAWKEYE
On account he got caught in the doctor
draft. He was a surgical resident
playing semi-pro ball weekends when
the Eagles signed him.

DUKE
How come nobody knows about him? And
you do?

HAWKEYE
I worked with Spearchucker my first
month over here, at the 72nd Evac in
Taegu. Most of the colored guys know
who he is but they're not talking
because he asked them not to.

TRAPPER
So what makes you think he'll play
for us?

HAWKEYE
We'll cut him in on the bets we make.
And still have enough profit to send
Ho-Jon to college.

TRAPPER
Might make kind of a social issue,
not having any other Negro officer.

HAWKEYE
He can move in here with us.

DUKE
Now wait a minute, Hawkeye. I come a
long way, learning to put up with a
couple of crazy Yankees, but...

HAWKEYE
Don't tell me about your problems,
boy. Explain them to Ho-Jon.

INT. HENRY'S OFFICE DAY

Henry, nervous at what he thinks is going to be his showdown
with General Hammond, is startled by the General's unexpected
proposal.

GENERAL HAMMOND
If we had closer relations, there
wouldn't be any misunderstandings.
That's where a football game would
help. Between your outfit and mine.

HENRY
A football game?

GENERAL HAMMOND
Special Services in Tokyo are all
for it. They say it's one of the
main gimmicks we have to keep the
American way of life going here in
Asia.

HENRY
But what about Major Houlihan?

GENERAL HAMMOND
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.

HENRY
N-n-no thanks, G-General.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. LANDING AREA OUTSIDE 4077TH MASH DAY

It is September. A helicopter descends to the ground in the
familiar location and, as on earlier occasions, Medical
Corpsmen come from the hospital to aid in unloading it. But
this time the cargo, instead of wounded men, turns out to be
boxes which the corpsmen rip open and which contains football
uniforms: black shoes, cardinal red jerseys, white helmets
and white pants.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. FIELD BEHIND OFFICERS' LATRINE DAY

A day or two later. Fifteen men are wearing uniforms from
the chopper load. Practice at this point is confined to
kicking and passing the three footballs at their disposal,
and the uniforms still look clean and new. Trapper is a good
passer, Hawkeye is a better-than-average receiver, and Duke
punts well, but generally speaking, the balls are dropped
more often than they are caught, and the overall effect is
pretty ragged. Among the other players are Vollmer, Ugly
John, Boone, Painless and Judson. On the sidelines watching
are Henry, with a whistle tied to a piece of rubber hospital
tubing around his neck, and, in uniform, SPEARCHUCKER, a
very big, broad-shouldered black man in his early thirties.

SPEARCHUCKER
If I can make a suggestion, Coach.

HENRY
The way I run an organization, any
man in it has the right to speak his
mind.

SPEARCHUCKER
In that case, here are ten basic
plays. I think that's about all this
bunch can handle.

He hands Henry ten sheets of paper, on each of which a running
or pass play is diagrammed down to the finest detail.

HENRY
Thank you, Spearchucker. I'll
certainly take a look at these. Where
the hell did you ever get that name?

SPEARCHUCKER
I used to throw the javelin.

Hawkeye catches a pass from Trapper and runs with the ball
right to where Henry and Spearchucker are standing.

HAWKEYE
Listen, we look pretty lousy out
there, right?

SPEARCHUCKER
Well, for college players that have
been out of training seven or eight
years...

HAWKEYE
I'm thinking about how we can make
more money.
(to Henry)
Suppose we bet only part of our dough
and keep this big animal out of the
game the whole first half and let
them roll up some points. Then you
could bet the rest of our bundle
between the halves and get the General
and his friends to give us some real
odds.

HENRY
It's a nice idea. I mean it has style.

HAWKEYE
It's the only way we can make enough
to put Ho-Jon through Androscoggin.

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL DAY

It is November. The Mash team, in uniform, comes out of the
quonset hut assigned to it as dressing quarters. Already on
the bench toward which the players head are a few supporters
including Dago Red, Knocko and Leslie. Radar is also there
serving as water boy.

Spearchucker has a blanket wrapped over his head and held
together at the chin to eliminate the chance of his being
recognized as he looks over their opponents, who now file
out of their quonset hut.

The first notable thing about them is that they number twenty-
five as opposed to a total of fifteen in uniform for the
Mash team.

Second is the even more discouraging fact that two of them,
one black and one white are enormous, bigger than
Spearchucker. The uniforms are orange and black.

SPEARCHUCKER
Those two big guys were tackles on
the Cleveland Browns, and the redhead
played halfback with the Rams.

HENRY
They can't do that to me!

HAWKEYE
The bastards outconned us.

SPEARCHUCKER
I think we could still have a chance.

HAWKEYE
If you start the game instead of
waiting, you mean?

SPEARCHUCKER
No, let's stick to that strategy
till we see whether you boys can do
two things. The first is get that
halfback out of the game. He had one
year with the Rams before the Army
got him, but he didn't play too often
because he's one of those hot dogs.

DUKE
What?

SPEARCHUCKER
When he sees a little running room,
he likes to make a show... you know,
stutter steps and cross-overs and
all that jazz. Also he never learned
to button up when he gets hit, so if
you two can get a good shot at him
once, you can hurt him.

HAWKEYE
But we'd have to break his leg or
something to keep him out of the
game for good.

TRAPPER
Not necessarily.

UGLY JOHN
As long as there's a pile-up, we can
do our bit to encourage his permanent
withdrawal from the contest.

TRAPPER
It's a technique Ugly John and I
worked out in case something like
this came up.

DUKE
(gazing across at
opposition tackles)
Look at the size of those two beasts.

HAWKEYE
I don't think I could hurt one of
them with a sledgehammer.

SPEARCHUCKER
You can make them run. They've got
the occupational disease of oversized
ex-athletes. They're carrying thirty
pounds extra apiece. So we run
everything wide, wide, wide... make
them move more then they want to on
every play.

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL DAY

The Mash team is lined up to kick off, which is Duke's
function.

There is only one official, a REFEREE, dressed in conventional
white.

HAWKEYE
The pro halback is playing safety.
Kick it to anybody else.

Duke accordingly kicks the ball about thirty yards and angled
to his left. But the player who takes it on the thirty-yard
line simply runs to his left and back a little toward his
own goal line in order to hand it to the RAM HALFBACK as he
charges downfield from his safety position. He sidesteps,
straight-arms or otherwise eludes all eleven of the Mash
players and runs unimpeded for a touchdown. A few moments
later he kicks the ball over the bar for the point after
touchdown.

HENRY
(screaming from
sidelines)
Stop him! Stop that man!

DUKE
(as they line up to
receive)
Sure, you just blindfold him first
and tie him to a stake.

Duke is the one to receive the kickoff, which he takes on
the ten.

He runs it back about twenty yards, dodging several enemy
tacklers, then sees the black tackle from Cleveland bearing
down on him. Duke runs back and forth sideways a few times,
not gaining any ground but making the other man move.

DUKE
Hawkeye!

He throws a lateral pass to Hawkeye, toward whom both tackles
from Cleveland now run. Hawkeye leads them almost from one
side of the field to the other, then reverses direction,
keeping them on the move till he sees a chance to throw a
lateral to Trapper.

SPEARCHUCKER
(from the bench)
That's the stuff! Run the hams off
those big hogs!

Trapper returns the ball to Duke, who manages to make a couple
of yards forward and a lot more sideways before the Ram
halfback cuts him down from the rear. The Mash team goes
into its first huddle.

TRAPPER
(to huddle)
Okay, don't give them a chance to
get their breath. Hawkeye wide to
the right.

They are near the sideline to their left, playing a winged T
formation. Trapper takes the ball from Vollmer, the center,
runs back as if to pass but really gives it to Hawkeye at
left half as Hawkeye goes by him in a wide sweep that takes
him all the way to the right sideline with the two Cleveland
tackles in pursuit.

Hawkeye then cuts in quick and tries to get by them but one
of them brings him down for a gain of no more than two yards.

On the next play Trapper really goes back to pass, but his
blockers are of no use against the pro tackles, whom he sees
descending on him. Trapper starts running straight back for
a while, then makes a dash to the right followed by a dash
to the left. He is almost tackled again, and his only route
of escape is back toward his own goal line.

SPEARCHUCKER
(from the sideline)
Throw it! Throw it!

Faced with a loss of about twenty-five yards, Trapper spots
Hawkeye in the area of the line of scrimmage and whips the
ball to him.

Hawkeye catches it but there are tacklers all around him and
he goes down almost immediately for no gain on the play.
Moving faster than they have to in order not to give the
opposition any rest, the team huddles.

TRAPPER
(to huddle)
Wide to the left. Duke, you're the
pacesetter this time.

They go into action again. This time Trapper, taking the
ball from Vollmer, gives it to Duke, who makes a feint at an
off-tackle play, then turns back and into a wide end run
instead. Duke is still a good ball carrier by college
standards and he has little trouble shaking off the amateurs
who try to tackle him, and is thus able to make it a running
duel with the professionals. When they finally nab him, he
is no more than two or three yards ahead of the scrimmage
line, but the ex-tackles from Cleveland are visibly panting
and wishing they hadn't allowed all that extra poundage to
accumulate. On the fourth down, of course, they have to punt.
Duke goes back to receive the ball from Vollmer at center.

HAWKEYE
Don't try to get it far down. Kick
it up high so we can get there and
surround that son-ofa-bitch.

DUKE
Yeah, if I can.

He does a good job of it. The kick is high enough so there
are several red jerseys around the Ram halfback when he gets
under it.

He raises his right arm for a fair catch. The would-be Mash
tacklers, including Hawkeye and Trapper are frustrated. They
array themselves defensively while their opponents have a
huddle and line up to take the offense.

HAWKEYE
(to Duke and Trapper)
Let's get him this time. I don't
think they've got anyone else who
can carry the ball.

As Hawkeye anticipated, the opposing quarterback slips the
ball to the Ram halfback, who starts to go wide of the tackle,
sees Hawkeye, untouched by blockers, closing in from the
outside, and makes his beautiful cross-over to cut back in.
At the same time he is hit at the knees by Hawkeye, and high
by Duke. And there are quite a few other Mash players in the
immediate vicinity, Trapper and Ugly John in the forefront,
so that a lot of weight is piled up on top of the flashy
halfback.

A close look at Ugly John reveals him to be reaching inside
his jersey and under a shoulder pad, from which he extracts
a hypodermic needle. With the skill of an expert
anesthesiologist he pulls up the sleeve of the tackled and
stunned halfback, and plunges the needle into his arm.

The Referee meanwhile is indignantly pulling at the Mash
players on top of the pile and orally expressing his
disapproval.

REFEREE
Get off the guy! He's tackled. You
don't all need to jump on.

The Mash players quickly remove themselves. Duke and Hawkeye
are the last to get up. Remaining on the ground is the former
halfback for the Rams, still firmly clutching the ball but
looking as if he needed to get a lot of air into his lungs.
His captain, the white pro tackle, takes one look at him and
speaks to the Referee.

325TH CAPTAIN
Time! Time!

The Referee blows his whistle to stop the clock. The captain
waves for assistance from the sidelines, and the trainer and
water boy come running in. Radar also appears from the
opposite sideline with water for his team. Ugly John takes
advantage of his presence to slip the hypodermic he has been
concealing in his hand into Radar's pocket.

Meanwhile there is agreement in the opposition camp that the
Ram halfback should go out of the game for a while to rest
up. A couple of his teammates assist him to the bench. The
Mash players observe this.

TRAPPER
Well, he's taken care of. Scratch
one hot dog.

DUKE
You really think we hurt him that
bad?

TRAPPER
Hell, no, all you did was knock the
wind out of him. But he won't be
playing any more football today.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. 325TH EVAC TEAM'S DRESSING ROOM DAY

It is between the halves and the General's players are
resting, especially the ex-Cleveland tackles, who are
stretched out prone.

General Hammond and his TRAINER (a medical Corps Captain)
are concentrating on the ex-Los Angeles halfback, who sits
on a table looking groggy. Henry sticks his head in the door.

TRAINER
(to Ram halfback)
The Trainer has to assist the man,
and the moment he lets go of him,
the halfback crumples to the floor.

HENRY
(starting out again)
Sorry. You obviously won't be wanting
any more bets.

GENERAL HAMMOND
The hell we won't! You bastards pulled
something, I don't know what, but
we've been beating you without him.
Ane we'll go on beating you!

HENRY
You willing to b-back that up with
odds?

GENERAL HAMMOND
Damn right. Three to one, as much as
you want to put up.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL DAY

The two teams have taken the field again. Hawkeye has switched
to left end, Spearchucker replacing him in the backfield.
This time General Hammond's men are kicking off to Henry's.
It's a long kick but it doesn't go toward the center of the
goal line, where Spearchucker is waiting for it, but to Duke,
who runs toward Spearchucker and tosses him an easy lateral.

The two pro tackles from the Browns run down the field so as
to converge on Spearchucker around the Mash twenty-five. But
the other Mash players divide themselves into equal units of
five to do nothing but take out the two tackles. The other
opposing players are no problem for Spearchucker, who runs
around or right through them, and crosses their goal line
for a touchdown. The ball is brought out for the extra point
which Duke scores with a place kick. Before the teams
reassemble for the next kickoff, the captain of the 325th
team detours a few yards toward his bench and calls something
to General Hammond, whose reaction is to stand up and shake
his fist in Henry's direction. On the Mash bench, Radar leans
over to Henry.

RADAR
General Hammond, sir, has just been
informed about the identity of Captain
Jones. His ringers recognized our
ringer.

On the field Duke is preparing to kick off.

HAWKEYE
(to Spearchucker)
What's the matter?

SPEARCHUCKER
We may be in trouble, I can't catch
my breath. I've got the occupational
disease of oversized ex-athletes.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. ATHLETIC FIELD, 325TH EVAC HOSPITAL DAY

Spearchucker is trying to block or intercept a forward pass,
but the two tackles from Cleveland still have enough strength
left to put him out of action with their combined efforts.
They block him so forcibly, in fact, that he drops to the
ground and has some trouble getting up. The pass is completed
and the receiver tackled on the Mash thirty-five yard line.

SPEARCHUCKER
Timeout!
(to Referee as latter
blows whistle)
How much left?

REFEREE
Minute and twenty-five seconds. And
that's a first down.

Radar comes out to the Mash huddle with his water-bucket and
towels.

SPEARCHUCKER
We got to stop them right here.

DUKE
And get ourselves another touchdown
to win.
(looking to opponents'
huddle)
I wish to hell we knew what they
were plotting.

HAWKEYE
(getting an idea)
Radar!

RADAR
All you have to do is ask.
(concentrates on the
huddle twelve yards
away)
The quarterback is saying they'll
run the old Statue of Liberty. Their
left end will come across and take
the ball out of his hand and try to
get around our left end.

SPEARCHUCKER
What else?

RADAR
Everyone's talking at once, but now
the captain is telling them to shut
up. The quarterback says, if the
Statue of Liberty doesn't work,
they'll go into the double wing with
the left halfback taking the handoff
first and then slipping it to the
right halfback heading to the left.

The Referee blows the whistle and the two teams line up to
resume action. The 325th Evac quarterback drops back as if
to pass, his left end starts to his right, and the whole
Mash eleven starts to their left. Only Ugly John finds himself
temporarily buried under a 265-pound tackle. The other ten
men in red meet the enemy left end after he takes the ball
off the quarterback's hand, and they bring him down for a
loss. The opposing team goes into another huddle but their
strategy remains as Radar overheard it. When the left halfback
starts to his right, the Mash players start to their right,
and after the right halfback takes over possession and tries
to turn in, he finds himself hopelessly outnumbered.
Spearchucker hits him first with a tackle so fierce it throws
him back five yards and induces him to fumble the ball. A
pile of half a dozen MASH players pounces on it, causing
some damage to each other.

SPEARCHUCKER
(to Referee)
Time!

He goes over to the Referee and exchanges a few words with
him, then walks into his team's huddle.

TRAPPER
(to Spearchucker)
You got to be the one. We're all
agreed on that.

SPEARCHUCKER
No, it's too far and we're all too
bushed. I just told the referee we're
going to try something different. We
make the center eligible by...

VOLLMER
Me? I can't catch a pass.

SPEARCHUCKER
You don't have to. We line up with
everybody to the right of center
except Hawkeye, who drops back a
yard just before the snap. At the
same time Duke moves to the right
side of the line.
(to Vollmer)
That makes you eligible but all you
have to do is take the ball right
back from Trapper between your legs
and hide it under your belly. Trapper,
you make like you got the ball, fake
to me and keep going. One of the big
guys will hit you, maybe both...

TRAPPER
No! I only got my GI insurance.

SPEARCHUCKER
(to Vollmer)
As soon as that happens, Sergeant,
you start walking, not running to
their goal line. Remember that, don't
run! Come on, we just got time!

They break out of the huddle and line up as directed, with
all the linemen except Hawkeye on Vollmer's right. Their
opponents have trouble adjusting to this and are even more
confused when, just as Trapper bends down to take the ball
from Vollmer, Hawkeye steps back into the backfield and Duke
squeezes into the already crowded right line. Returning the
ball to Vollmer, Trapper turns his back, fakes a pitchout to
Spearchucker, who is racing toward the line, and continues
backward, holding himself as if he still had the ball and
were fading for a long pass. So successfully does he create
this impression that the two tackles from Cleveland, seeing
clearly that Spearchucker hasn't received the ball, descend
on Trapper with their last burst of energy. Two other orange-
and-black linemen also fall on top of him. Meanwhile, Vollmer,
holding his arms crossed under his stomach to further hide
the ball, and looking as if her were suffering from a painful
blow beneath the belt, starts walking down the field at an
angle toward his own sideline, making the opposition think
he is heading for the bench to seek relief from his injury.

Spearchucker stops running at about the enemy thirty, looks
back to where Trapper's tacklers are beginning to remove
themselves, but also notes out of the corner of his eye that
only the opposing safety man is anywhere near Vollmer and
that he isn't paying much attention to him.

From the bench a frantic Henry looks indignantly at the sight
of his center and Sergeant Major coming off the field.

HENRY
What's going on? What the hell are
you doing?

He opens his arms enough for Henry to see the pigskin cradled
there.

HENRY
Then run for God's sake! Run!

Vollmer begins to run straight toward the goal line, which
has the unfortunate effect of alerting the safety man to
what is happening.

He races across the field to cut Vollmer off. Spearchucker
starts into motion at the same instant and gets down there
so fast that just as the safety man is tackling Vollmer in a
way that would throw him out of bounds on the two-yard line,
Spearchucker hurls himself against the safety man with a
strong and well-aimed block that sends both men across the
goal line.

General Hammond runs onto the field in vehement protest.

GENERAL HAMMOND
Illegal! Illegal!

The Referee, looking at his watch and raising his Army .45
to signal the end of the game, goes over to meet the General
and explain the sad truth to him.

INT. MASH TEAM'S DRESSING ROOM DAY

Some of the players are partly undressed but most of them
are too exhausted to begin that process. Trapper is stretched
out on a bench, apparently unconscious. Henry enters
triumphantly, waving a thick stack of paper money.

HENRY
We got it, men... Ho-Jon's keep as
Androscoggin... if there is such a
place. And the big news is, the
General wants a rematch.

TRAPPER
I'll tell you my news. I'm retiring
from football.

DUKE
Me, too. Y'all just seen me play my
last game.

HAWKEYE
Same here. You can retire my number.

HENRY
Well, there's one big satisfaction.

SPEARCHUCKER
What's that, Henry?

HENRY
I out-coached that General Hammond.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. FRONT OF 4077TH MASH EVENING

A covered Army truck pulls up with the victorious football
team breaking the normal rule for hospital zones by singing
a boisterous old drinking song. Several of them have bottles
in their hands as they descend to the ground. Hawkeye and
Duke are among the first and the noisiest until they notice
Lapham (the new surgeon we saw the first time during the
deluge) standing under the light at the hospital entrance.
There is something in his expression that makes them break
off their singing abruptly. Trapper and Spearchucker, jumping
down after them, react the same way, and their sudden silence
affects the others so that in a matter of seconds the singing
has died out entirely. Hawkeye and Duke run toward the
hospital entrance, Trapper and Spearchucker a little behind
them.

BRIEF TIME LAPSE:

INT. AT HO-JON'S BEDSIDE EVENING

Ho-Jon is unconscious. Lapham holds an X-ray while Trapper
scans it.

TRAPPER
It's a massive one.

The X-ray is passed on to Hawkeye, Duke and Spearchucker in
turn.

SPEARCHUCKER
Isn't he awful young...?

TRAPPER
That's the artery we sewed up last
summer. Had to end up smaller, that
much easier for the thrombosis to
occur.

Ho-Jon opens his eyes, slowly reacting to the pressure of
all the doctors.

HAWKEYE
Pain bad, Ho-Jon?

HO-JON
(with considerable
effort)
I wouldn't wish it on a
maneating shark.

TRAPPER
(to Lapham)
More demerol.

Lapham goes off to get the medication.

HO-JON
You must open me up again?

DUKE
No, Ho-Jon, we're not going to open
you up.

Duke's words are intentionally ambiguous, and when Ho-Jon
looks from one doctor to another to find the real meaning of
them, they all try not to reveal it. But he knows.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. DENTAL CLINIC DAY

Hawkeye and Trapper are in a stud poker game along with
Painless, Vollmer, Radar, a helicopter pilot and the Norwegian
Officer we saw playing before. There is an entrance to the
hospital visible through a window, and an ambulance is parked
outside it.

VOLLMER
Pair of sevens'll say a buck.

The ambulance driver and another soldier come out of the
hospital bearing a shrouded corpse on a stretcher. Hawkeye,
choosing not to call the bet, turns over his cards, stands
up restlessly and sees the body on the stretcher. Trapper,
who has a view out the window from the seat, also sees it,
and the effect on him is to take his attention momentarily
from the game.

PAINLESS
Make it two.

The helicopter pilot folds his hand, and it's Trapper's turn
to be next. Radar, who is dealing, waits a moment to see if
he has to be reminded.

RADAR
Two dollars to you, Trapper.

Ho-Jon's body is tossed into the back of the ambulance.
Trapper checks his cards and turns them over.

TRAPPER
Sorry. I'm out.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. MASH COMPOUND NIGHT

Three months later, a cold winter night with snow on the
ground.

Hawkeye, in a heavy sweater, is running toward the brightly
lit hospital.

INT. OPERATING ROOM NIGHT

Spearchucker is doing a brain operation with Duke assisting.
Hawkeye comes in excitedly but stops within a few feet of
the operating table because he isn't sterile. He grabs a
surgical mask and holds it in front of his face as he speaks
to Duke.

HAWKEYE
Henry's got our orders! We're going
home!

DUKE
When?

HAWKEYE
Any time. Whenever we want.

DUKE
Be right with you.

SPEARCHUCKER
You mind if we get out of this guy's
brain first?

DUKE
What's there to do? You found the
sliver.

SPEARCHUCKER
There might be another tiny piece we
missed. I want to look around before
we close up.

DUKE
(to Hawkeye, referring
to Spearchucker)
Perfectionist.

He works the retractor he is holding to spread the incision
while Spearchucker probes it.

HAWKEYE
There's no transportation anyway
this time of night.

DUKE
We could steal one of the choppers.

HAWKEYE
I looked. Suspicious bastards got
them all locked up.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. THE SWAMP DAY

The next day, snow still on the ground. Ugly John is at the
wheel of a Jeep into which Hawkeye and Duke are storing the
same Valpacs and barracks bags they arrived with more than a
year before. There is a small group gathered to say goodbye,
including Dago Red, Lapham and Vollmer, who is Regular Army,
but none of the others who were part of the outfit when they
first arrived. When they are all ready to take off, Hawkeye
and Duke go back inside the Swamp.

INT. THE SWAMP DAY

Trapper is drunk and gloomy, Spearchucker in fairly good
spirits.

Duke pours small drinks into three glasses and adds some to
the drink Trapper is already holding.

DUKE
Y'all mind the store.

TRAPPER
Four goddam months. And they don't
even give you time off for good
behavior.

HAWKEYE
(shaking hands with
Spearchucker)
See you.

SPEARCHUCKER
It's possible

HAWKEYE
(extending hand to
Trapper)
Hang in there.

TRAPPER
Why don't you for Christ's sake get
the hell out of here?

And that's what they proceed to do.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. JAPANESE SEAPORT DOCK DAY

A couple of days later. Hawkeye and Duke are inspecting the
troopship on which they will make the long voyage to Seattle.
They have undergone a startling transformation: they have
had shaves and haircuts, and they have abandoned their
fatigues for clean, new-looking uniforms with Eisenhower
jackets adorned with their proper insignia, including a
caduceus of the Medical Corps. There is a lot of activity on
board the ship and on the dock, where a MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
with a notebook accosts them.

MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Excuse me, gentlemen, but are you
sailing on the troopship tomorrow?

DUKE
That's right.

MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
May I have your names, please?

DUKE
Sure, my...

HAWKEYE
(overlapping)
What for?

MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
We need medical officers for short-
arm inspection starting the first
afternoon out.

HAWKEYE
Oh, certainly, Sergeant. My name is
Captain George Limburger, and this
is Captain Walter Camembert.

MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
(writing)
C-A-M-E-M...?

HAWKEYE
B-E-R-T, right. See you tomorrow.

MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Oh, I'm not sailing with you. I work
out of the hospital here.

He salutes them and goes on his way.

DUKE
(indicating his
shoulder insignia)
I thought we were heading for trouble
putting on all these trinkets.

HAWKEYE
We got to start rehabilitating, Duke,
if we want to be halfway human by
the time we get back to our wives.

DUKE
But no short-arm inspection. I'm
with you there.

HAWKEYE
Screw it. We been earning our keep
as respectable knife artists. Why
should we do work any pill-rolling
punk could handle?

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. HARBOR DAY

The big troopship is making its way out of the harbor and
heading for open ocean.

EXT. TROOPSHIP DAY

A SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT walks along the deck at the
officers' end of the ship.

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Captain Limburger! Captain Camembert!

All he gets in response are funny looks and laughter. By the
time he comes near where Hawkeye and Duke are standing, the
Sergeant is beginning to wonder if there is something peculiar
about the names he is calling. For added protection Hawkeye
and Duke have replaced their Medical Corps insignia with the
simple cross of the Chaplain's Corps.

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Captain Camembert! Captain Camembert!

HAWKEYE
Excuse me, Sergeant.

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Yes, Reverend?

HAWKEYE
What do you want with those two
medical officers?

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
They're supposed to hold short-arm
inspection.

DUKE
You can't be serious, man.

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Why not?

DUKE
The reason they're being shipped
home is they're the two biggest
fairies in the Far East Command.

HAWKEYE
Be the longest short-arm inspection
you ever held!

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
Thanks, Reverend. Thank you both for
tipping me off.
(consulting list)
You don't know a Captain Forrest or
a Captain Pierce, do you?

HAWKEYE
They missed the boat.

SECOND MEDICAL CORPS SERGEANT
(making a note)
Thanks.

HAWKEYE
Glad to help.

The Segeant goes off in one direction, Duke and Hawkeye in
another.

Pretty soon they come across a dice game and stop to watch.

DUKE
This a closed game or you take
anybody's dough?

A couple of the DICE PLAYERS look up and react adversely to
the Chaplain's Corps insignia.

FIRST DICE PLAYER
Well, almost anybody's.

SECOND DICE PLAYER
(apologetically, to
Duke)
Kind of a rough game, Reverend.

DUKE
Hell, man, that don't matter. We're
loaded. We were big wheels in the
black market in Seoul.

HAWKEYE
Plus running the opium concession
for the whole Eighth Army.

These confessions arouse the interest of all the players.
One, a SIGNAL CORPS CAPTAIN, looks at them intently, then
smiles.

SIGNAL CORPS CAPTAIN
They're not chaplains at all. They're
doctors from the 4077th Mash. I had
a piece of steel dug out of my back
there.

The player who told them it was a rough game, an infantry
captain, extends his hand to greet them.

SECOND DICE PLAYER
Pleasure to have you. Lot of my men
went through your outfit.

HAWKEYE
Glad to know you. Listen, we're
ducking short-arm inspection but our
cover isn't going to last long. How
would you two boys like to do us a
favor? Be Forrest and Pierce of the
Medical Corps between here and
Seattle.

SIGNAL CORPS CAPTAIN
We wouldn't know how to go about it.

HAWKEYE
Nothing to it. You just turn a chair
around backwards and rest your chin
on the top. You sit there with a big
cigar in your mouth and and every
now and then, just to show you're
looking, you say, 'Don't wave it so
close to my cigar, soldier.' That's
all you do. You can't go wrong.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. U.S. CIVILIAN AIRLINER NIGHT

It is March. A STEWARDESS with a stern look approaches Duke
and Hawkeye. Duke is sucking on a bottle of scotch.

STEWARDESS
I've told you twice to put away that
bottle. Now I'll have to ask the
captain to come back and speak to
you.

HAWKEYE
Never mind your captain, honey.
(takes bottle from
Duke and puts it
away)
I'll take care of mine. Till we land
in Chicago.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. MEN'S ROOM MIDWAY AIRPORT CHICAGO NIGHT

The bottle of scotch stands on a shelf over the wash basins.
Duke is combing his hair, Hawkeye shaving.

ANNOUNCER'S VOICE
(over loudspeaker
system)
Flight 616 for Cincinnati, Knoxville
and Atlanta, now boarding at Gate
Five.

Hawkeye reaches for the bottle, hands it to Duke, who takes
a sip and passes it back. Hawkeye kills it and throws it
into a trash can.

DUKE
Let's hear from you, you goddam
Yankee. Be nice to see you some time.

HAWKEYE
Like the Spearchucker said, that's
possible. Anyway, it's been an
interesting association.

Duke picks up his bags and starts out. Hawkeye resumes
shaving.

TIME LAPSE:

INT. ATLANTA AIRPORT DAY

Duke is among the passengers entering the airport from an
incoming flight. He spots his wife and two daughters, now
three and one-and-a-half. He starts eagerly toward them but
we never get a distinct look at them.

TIME LAPSE:

EXT. ROCKLAND, MAINE AIRPORT DAY

Here incoming passengers can be met outside the terminal
building.

Hawkeye disembarks from a Northeast Airlines Convair and
sees his wife waiting for him with their sons, aged five and
three. The older one lets go his mother's hand, dashes out
to his father and jumps into his arms.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD
How they goin', Hawkeye?

HAWKEYE
Finest kind.

He looks toward his wife, but we don't see her in clear focus.

FADE OUT:

THE END

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