"LITTLE NICKY" Written by Tim Herlihy, Adam Sandler & Steve Brill FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBIA - NIGHT A beautiful late summer night. Crickets chirping, sprinklers sprinkling. We PAN across one particular lawn, up one particular tree, where we see THE PEEPER (Jon Lovitz) sitting on a limb. He has a bottle of wine, some sandwiches, a Walkman. Suddenly the lights turn on. PEEPER (whispering) Showtime! We see a young mother walk into the room outside the Peeper's window. She is wearing business attire. PEEPER Rough day at the office Mrs. Dunleavy? (takes bite of sandwich) Well you'll feel better once you slip off those work clothes and get into some sweats. The mother sits on the bed and pulls off her shoes, rubbing her feet. PEEPER Oh my God, yes! I wish you would let me rub those feet. Of course I wouldn't use my hands. Heh heh heh heh... He sips some wine. The mother starts to unbutton her blouse. She takes it off, revealing a nice bra. PEEPER Looks like Victoria just told me her secret. The peeper frantically writes in a dirty notebook. Mouthing the words as he goes. PEEPER Thursday the ninth, eight-thirty p.m., first brassiere sighting... (stops writing) I will pleasure myself to this image for months. MONTHS I TELL YOU! The mother starts to unbutton her pants. Her young son walks in wearing a scouts uniform. PEEPER Young Scottie Dunleavy. What unfortunate timing. You mother was just getting comfy. The son talks to his mother excitedly. PEEPER Yes, yes, I'm sure you tied many great knots today or whatever. Now get out. The son, not going anywhere, sits in a chair. PEEPER Now what. This simply won't do. The peeper takes out a cell phone and dials. The son answers. SCOTTIE Hello? PEEPER Hello, Scottie. Why don't you go downstairs like a good boy and let your mother freshen up. SCOTTIE Who is this? PEEPER Just a little birdie. A birdie who wants to see if your mother's panties match her bra. MOTHER Oh my God Scottie. Is there a man up our tree? The peeper gets nervous. PEEPER Tell her no. Tell her it's just a big bird. The peeper starts flapping his arms and making bird noises. We SEE Scottie with his sling shot. The mother nods yes. He shoots it. It hits the peeper square in the head. He falls to the ground with a thud. PEEPER Mrs. Dunleavy, please come help me. And wear your bikini. The peeper looks up. He sees Scottie pushing a television out the window. It lands on top of the peeper. He's dead. HARD CUT: INT. HOLE - DAY The peeper is zooming down a hole, walls of dirt racing by on all sides. The peeper is falling down, down, down. The whole way screaming like a five-year old girl. PEEPER'S POV We see the tunnel turn into more of a slide now and the peeper races towards the opening which is lit by fire. He SCREAMS. EXT. FIRE GATES OF HELL We see the GATE/WALL OF FLAMES. We hear screaming. Wham! We see the peeper come flying through the flames and land in a heap in a shallow pit of coals. Dazed, he stands and we see other people shooting through the fire wall at different levels. (NOTE: All the arrivals clothes are now burned & shredded). GATEKEEPER (O.S.) Welcome! The peeper looks left to see the GATEKEEPER standing at his station greeting the new SOULS with mock cheer. PEEPER Am I in hell? GATEKEEPER What do you think? A GIANT BIRD appears and bites the peeper's crotch area. We leave the peeper in the pit and tilt up to... MATTE PAINTING HELL MUSIC UP: "RUNNING WITH THE DEVIL" BY VAN HALEN The VAST and insane kingdom of Hell. A road leads toward it like the yellow brick road only with fire and coals. We see the black castle in the distance. The camera zooms into the castle, to one particular window. INT. NICKY'S ROOM - DAY Looks like an American teenager's room -- models, a dresser, heavy metal posters (tons of OZZY stuff) everywhere (but no bed -- Devils don't sleep). Nicky is air guitaring to the song. Over at the stereo, we see the cassette playing titled "NICKY'S MONSTER METAL MIX." The head demon, JIMMY THE DEMON, opens the door, scaring NICKY who falls backward into the table, breaking it. NICKY (embarrassed) Hey... JIMMY THE DEMON Your father wants to see you and your brothers in the throne room. NICKY Okay, but Jimmy, when the house is rockin', don't forget the knockin'! INT. BLACK PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY ADRIAN and CASSIUS are playing darts. They're aiming for people's faces that are coming through the wall. CASSIUS I knew it. He's finally retiring. ADRIAN I've been waiting on this day for ten thousand years. He throws a dart that hits one of the heads in the forehead. HUMAN DARTBOARD Aaaah! CASSIUS If the old man picks me to take over Hell, I'll keep the torture going twenty four seven. No breaks. ADRIAN Well Dad says it's the breaks that make the torture. You have to let people feel a sense of relief. Cassius whips a dart which hits one of the HUMAN DARTBOARDS in the eye. HUMAN DARTBOARD Aaaaaaaaaaaah! ADRIAN Then again, the beauty of Dad retiring is what he says doesn't matter anymore. Cassius pulls out the dart. The eye comes with it. CASSIUS I'll take that. Cassius throws the eye on the ground and stomps it. THWACK! It splatters like a grape. HUMAN DARTBOARD Was that really necessary? Nicky enters sheepishly. CASSIUS Hey, how's Daddy's little girl doing today? NICKY Good, thanks. Cassius snaps his fingers in Nicky's face. CASSIUS Hey. Hey. Hey. Wanna mind wrestle? Cassius' eyes start glowing red. NICKY Actually, I'll take a rain check on... Nicky is slammed into a nearby desk as if by an invisible force. CASSIUS Got ya! NICKY (picking up his head) Yes, you got me... Nicky's head slams back down again. CASSIUS Got ya, again! NICKY (picking head up) Got me for sure, yes... He grabs a lamp off the desk and cracks himself over the head. CASSIUS Got ya! Now here's the big finish... Nicky frowns as he finds his own right hand heading for his own crotch. NICKY Oh no. Please Cassius... Nicky's hand is being possessed. It gets closer and closer until it latches on to Nicky's crotch. NICKY Aaaaah. Cassius concentrates even harder, making Nicky twist his own hand. Nicky screams even louder. Adrian smiles. They don't notice that DAD, wearing a sweatsuit (and with very small devil horns), enters behind them. DAD What are you boys doing? Cassius releases Nicky's hand. NICKY Nothing, Dad. Just re-arranging the furniture. DAD Cassius, didn't I tell you to stay out of your brother's mind? CASSIUS I forgot. DAD Maybe this will help you remember. Dad's eyes flash red and Cassius punches himself hard in the nose, sending him back against the wall and down to the floor. Dad gives Nicky a wink. Nicky smiles. Dad has an air of confidence and power. DAD Now everybody sit down. NICKY Hey, Dad, I'm almost finished laying down my monsters of metal compilation tape. I really think it's a masterpiece. DAD Okay, kid, we'll listen to it later. He leads the boys to the throne area. We see outside the window the peeper staring in sexily. Dad looks, shakes his head. Just then, THE BIRD appears and attacks him. Dad closes the curtains. Nicky, Adrian and Cassius sit on little stools at the foot of his throne. Dad lights a cigarette with his finger, the tip of which glows red like a cigarette lighter and looks down at his three sons. DAD My dad, your granddad, Lucifer, was thrown out of Heaven by God and rules here in hell for ten thousand years. And after this ten thousand years had passed, he decided to abdicate his throne... Confused, Nicky sheepishly raises his hand. DAD ...to step aside. (Nicky lowers his hand) ...and let me become the ruler of hell. This, as some of you might know, is my ten thousandth year as Prince of Darkness. So I think the time has come to discuss who will succeed me. Jimmy the Demon walks in. JIMMY THE DEMON Knock, knock. DAD Yes, Jimmy. He whispers in Dad's ear. DAD No, no, that's not what I said. He can keep his thumbs, but the fingers gotta go. JIMMY THE DEMON (turning to leave) Oh, and don't forget, you're shoving a pineapple up Hitler's ass at four o'clock. Dad nods, and Jimmy shuffles out. Dad turns his attention back to his sons. DAD This was a very difficult decision, because I have three wonderful sons. I mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless. And Cassius, so strong, so tough. And Nicky, so... so... NICKY Don't worry about coming up with anything. It's cool. DAD Such a sweet boy. But after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next ten thousand years is going to have to be... me. CASSIUS AND ADRIAN (dumbfounded) What!? NICKY Hallelujah. They all look at Nicky. NICKY I mean... tough break. DAD The important thing for the stability of our rule is to maintain the balance between good and evil. And I don't think any of you are ready for that responsibility yet. You need the wisdom that comes only with the passage of time. CASSIUS Dad! This is Hoyashit. Dad glares. Cassius goes FLYING BACK. One of the Human Dartboards laughs. Cassius whips a dart and hits him in the tongue. Jimmy enters and points at his watch. DAD Right. Right. Send him in. (to the boys) I'm sorry, boys. I've got to get back to work. Nicky, Cassius and Adrian start filing out. Adrian stops. ADRIAN You sure about this decision, Dad? DAD I'm telling you, pal, it's the right thing to do. HITLER (in a French maid's outfit), is being brought in by Jimmy. They head towards the closet. Inside the closet is a crate of pineapples. Hitler picks out a relatively small one. Dad shakes his head "no." Dad walks over to the closet. Hitler picks out a really big pineapple. Dad nods "yes." Hitler sadly hands it to Dad. Jimmy bends Hitler over and as Dad raises the fruit... CLOSE ON HITLER'S EYES As the pineapple's jammed up his ass. HITLER Holy schnit!! EXT. HIGHWAY TO HELL - DAY Cassius and Adrian are standing by the road still flowing with souls. Both are pissed. There's a big, ugly, Bigfoot looking MONSTER hanging out with them, kind of nodding along. CASSIUS You work your ass off for ten thousand years, hurting people, helping others hurt people, then you get a decision like that. ADRIAN And he's dead serious. CASSIUS It's just such a slap in the face. Adrian turns to the Monster. ADRIAN Um, excuse me, we're having a private conversation here. CASSIUS Yeah, get out of here! Beat it! Cassius insanely snaps his fingers in the Monster's face. The Monster shrugs and walks off. ADRIAN Twenty-thousand years ago, Grandpa Lucifer said, "It is better to rule in hell than serve in heaven." Well, I'm getting tired of serving in Hell. We need a place where we can rule. Cassius throws a rock at the Monster. He yelps, then turns around, motioning like he's thinking about coming back. Cassius sees this and gets enraged. CASSIUS Oh you wanna be a big man? Bring it on!! Let's see what you got! The Monster, upon further reflection, throws his hands up in an "aw phooey" gesture and continues walking away. CASSIUS That's what I thought! ADRIAN (to Cassius) Could you concentrate for five seconds? CASSIUS I am concentrating. Where can we rule? ADRIAN What do you think about... Earth? Cassius seems to think this isn't a bad idea. ADRIAN We could create our own hell there. CASSIUS You saying we go up there and kill everyone? ADRIAN Eventually, Cassius. But first we corrupt as many as we can so that when we do destroy them... CASSIUS ...their damned souls will be ours. ADRIAN It's our time, brother. The two look at each other. They start running toward the fire wall. Knocking souls out of their way. GATEKEEPER Hey, what are you doing?!? They get closer to the fire. GATEKEEPER You can't go through there. The fire flows in, not out. They dive through the fire wall. It FREEZES. GATEKEEPER You know something? You guys suck! You really suck! Sirens go off. Dogs start barking. Lights flash. And we hear the sound of DAMNED SOULS hitting the back of the firewall hard. INT. THRONE ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER Dad and Nicky are listening to one of Nicky's metal mix tapes. We hear the end of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb." Pause. Dad exhales. DAD Now that was an experience. "You are only coming through in waves." That line blows my mind every time. NICKY Definitely. DAD I don't care what kind of mood you're in at the start of that song. When it's over, that mood has been altered. Wow. Great shit. What's next? NICKY Well, I thought that after messing with your head, I'd give you a little kick in the keester. Hits the tape player. "Enter Sandman" blasts. DAD Who is this, Metal-lick-a? NICKY Metallica, Dad. Come on. DAD I was just playing with you. Dad and Nicky dance to the song. INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER CLOSE ON DAD. DAD I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I regretfully have to decline. ON PERSON HE'S TALKING TO: DAN MARINO. DAN C'mon, man, I'm just asking for one Superbowl ring. DAD In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino. DAN You did it for Namath. DAD Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways. Just go back to Earth and enjoy your records and the Hall of Fame and the beautiful family and all that. DAN This is bullshit, man. (gets up to leave) I'm gonna win the Superbowl this year, with or without you! DAD Now you're talking. Dan exits. NICKY You're a good devil, Dad. DAD And I also happen to be a Jets fan. Nicky and Dad share a laugh which is interrupted by faint sirens. The Gatekeeper enters in a hurry and falls to his knees. GATEKEEPER Your highness, Cassius and Adrian have escaped from hell. They went through the fire, and they broke it. I think they took the New York tunnel. I tried to stop them, but they overpowered me, sir. DAD Oh, boy. Oh boy. Calm down. Get off your knees. The Gatekeeper stands up. GATEKEEPER Thanks for being so understanding, your worship. You're the man. You've always been the man. Dad's EYES GLOW RED as the Gatekeeper stands up. Two huge boobs grow out of either side of the Gatekeeper's head. We only see them from the front for a second. From behind the gatekeeper, we see the boobs but not the nipples as he talks to Nicky. GATEKEEPER (to Nicky) I'm lucky to get away with just the head boobs, right? NICKY Coulda been much worse. GATEKEEPER That's what I'm thinkin'... Dad is staring off. He looks shaken. DAD This is bad, Nicky. NICKY How bad? DAD I'm gonna die, Nicky. If the gates are broken, no new souls can get in, which means I'll start to deteriorate into nothing. GRANDPA LUCIFER enters. LUCIFER What's with all the whoo-whoo noises? DAD Everything's fine, pop. LUCIFER Last time you said that the renaissance happened. DAD Please, pop, just go back to your room. LUCIFER (regarding gateskeeper) Can I take him with me and have sex with his head? DAD Sure, pop. Whatever you want. The gatekeeper walks towards Lucifer. GATEKEEPER Oh, this is gonna be a whole new lifestyle for me, isn't it. EXT. GATES OF HELL - SHORTLY AFTER We see the coals are cooling down on the road and the DAMNED SOULS in hell are sneaking off. The DEMONS are baffled and don't quite know what to do. Dad, Jimmy and Nicky walk to the frozen fire. DAMNED SOULS (O.S.) What's going on? Where are we? We keep HEARING people hit behind the frozen fire with loud thuds. JIMMY THE DEMON Nothing's getting through that. The fire is solid as a rock. NICKY We gotta get this bad boy burning again. Ideas? DAD To do that Cassius and Adrian have to come back through the other way. NICKY So go get 'em, Dad! DAD I'm too weak. The process has already begun. Dad holds up his hand. His pinky is hanging by a thread. We see the bigfoot MONSTER grunt disgusted by the sight. NICKY So go get 'em, Jimmy! JIMMY THE DEMON I'm just a demon, Nicky. I don't got devil blood in me. I'd last two minutes up there with your brothers. NICKY You're not saying it's up to me? The MONSTER puts his hands over his eyes shaking his head as if to say, "oh no." NICKY I've never been to Earth. I've never even slept over at some other dude's house! JIMMY THE DEMON You're the spawn of Satan. You got it in you. DAD Nicky, the worst thing that could happen on Earth is you get killed, in which case, boom, you end up back here. NICKY Are you telling me I have to go to Earth and kill my brothers? JIMMY THE DEMON Not go. They left together at the exact same time. They gotta come back together at the exact same time. Dad takes an ornate flask from his robe. DAD Here. Get them drunk from this. One sip and they'll be trapped inside. Once you've got both of them, you bring the flask back through the gate. Dad's pinky is hanging. Jimmy pulls it off and examines it. The Monster gags. JIMMY THE DEMON Your ol' man's got less than a week. Nicky looks petrified. NICKY No. This can't be happening. DAD Son, just do your best. Nicky looks teary eyed. The moment is broken by the Monster, who runs in and pushes Nicky through the fire. Nicky goes through the solid fire wall. PAUSE. The Monster taps his own wrist and looks at Dad as if to say, "gotta get a move on." INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY SIGN: 42ND ST. GRAND CENTRAL PAN DOWN to the darkened bowels of the old station, between two tracks, to a putrid puddle. Nicky breaks through the surface, sputtering. We hear a rumbling in the near distance. NICKY Okay. Earth. The Blue Marble. This doesn't look too bad. Nicky sees a fast approaching light, furrows his brow and WHAMMM! EXT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER Nicky comes shooting through the solid fire wall and lands in the coal pit. His Dad limps back to him. JIMMY THE DEMON You were gone ten seconds. What happened? NICKY I got hit by a big light that was attached to a lot of metal. DAD That's a train, son. Don't stand in front of them. NICKY Well, I guess I'm going to have to take a mulligan on this one. DAD Please, Nicky, get back up there. (his ear falls off) Try to hurry. Nicky climbs up and heads back toward the fire wall. INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION PLATFORM - DAY Nicky makes it back through the hole. Looks both ways and hops out of the hole. He carefully crosses the tracks and is stopped by the sight of a bulldog, BEEFY, on the other side. In his mouth is one of those signs car service drivers use to identify their passengers at the airport. On the sign is scrawled "NICKY." Nicky and Beefy stare at each other a beat. NICKY I'm Nicky. Beefy drops the sign from his mouth. BEEFY (voice of Sandy Wernick) Hey, terrific!! Now get off the track and come with me, shitstains. INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - PAVILLION - DAY The throng of commuters making their way through the terminal are giving a wide berth to the filthy man who's looking around suspiciously, talking to the dog. BEEFY My name's Beefy. I'm an old friend of your father's. He's asked me to help you out. NICKY I just need to find my brothers and be on my way, Beefy. BEEFY It's not gonna be easy. Your brothers can possess people. So they probably won't look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone. Nicky looks at Beefy warily for a beat. NICKY Okay, "bro," this jig is up... (pulling out the flask) Just get in the bottle. Just slide right on in there. BEEFY It's not me, moron. NICKY Oh. Sorry. EXT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - DAY A BLIND PREACHER rants outside the entrance. People put money in his pot. PREACHER Oh how the Lord loves you. All his children. (passerby puts in money) He thanks you for your kindness. (another woman puts in money) God bless, Ma'am. The Lord loves you... The Lord loves you... We see Nicky and Beefy walk up from behind. The PREACHER sniffs. PREACHER The Lord does not love you. I sense... pure evil. (thrusts his cross in Nicky's face) You make the Lord very nervous. (feeling hot) I'm burning... ahhh. (running away) The Devil walks among us! He runs off screaming, wildly bumping into people. PREACHER Oh Lord, save us from Hell's beast! He gets off course and runs right into a subway entrance. He disappears. Beefy turns to Nicky. BEEFY Makin' friends already. NICKY (shivering a little) It's freezing up here, Beefy. BEEFY You're on Earth now, kid. Gonna have the same physical needs and limitations a human has. We'll stop by K-mart. Get you some warm clothes. NICKY I also have this odd pain in my mid section. Kind of a hollow feeling... BEEFY That pain is hunger. EXT. BENCH - DAY K-mart bag is next to a bench. PAN UP to see Nicky wearing an extra warm SKI OUTFIT. Sitting next to him on the bench is Beefy. Between them is a big bucket of POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN. Nicky takes out a drumstick. NICKY So far, so good. Now what? BEEFY Put it in your mouth. Nicky puts it in his mouth. Holds it there. BEEFY Move your teeth up and down. Nicky does. He chews for a long time. BEEFY Now you gotta swallow it. Tilt your head back and let the meat slide down your throat-hole. Nicky does. He gets a looks of complete joy on his face. NICKY Hey... Popeye's chicken is ass kickin'! BEEFY It sure is. Now eat it up. You're gonna need your energy. NICKY I got energy up the ying-ying. Let's get cracking! NICKY stands with a drumstick and jogs off the curb right into the path of a moving bus. INT. GATES OF HELL - MOMENTS LATER The Monster is rubbing the gatekeeper's boobs. The gatekeeper is wearing a modified bra. He seems to be enjoying it. We hear a THUD. They look down to see Nicky on the ground. (We didn't see him flying through this time.) The Monster and Gatekeeper immediately stop. Kind of embarrassed. GATEKEEPER Hey. NICKY That's a pretty brassiere. GATEKEEPER Thanks. NICKY Could you maybe not tell anyone about this? GATEKEEPER You got it. Could you maybe not tell anyone about this? NICKY You got it. Nicky turns and walks toward the firewall. As soon as his back is turned, the monster pantomimes to the Gatekeeper, "I love your boobs." The Gatekeeper gives a flirtatious laugh (we don't see him morph back through the wall here.). EXT. VILLAGE STREET - DAY Beefy is walking with him down the street. Nicky is crazy cautious. NICKY From now on. I'm just going to avoid all moving metal objects. BEEFY Great. Now your father gave me some deposit money for a nice pad on the Upper East Side. But I misplaced it. FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT Beefy is sitting on a bench/booth at a strip club. Champagne is on the table. Bills in his mouth. We see THREE DANCERS dancing for him. FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: EXT. VILLAGE STREET Nicky and Beefy. BEEFY So I found this other joint for you. But you're gonna have a roommate. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT A scruffy, thirtyish buy, TODD (Allen Covert), is on the phone in his small, bohemian apartment in the Village. TODD (on phone) I know exactly how you feel... The night Reagan was elected, I said to my mother, "Is this man going to blow up the world, Mommy?" Then we both cried for like an hour. (knock at the door) Somebody's here. Call you later. Todd gets up and opens the door. It's Nicky, with Beefy by his side. Nicky is nervous, and his speech sounds practiced. NICKY Hello, friend, my name is Nicky. I understand you're seeking a roommate, as per your advertisement in the Village Voice. Would it be possible for me to fill the slot? TODD Uh, don't you want to know what the rent is? Nicky looks down at Beefy. Beefy looks up at Nicky. Both nod imperceptibly. NICKY Yes. What is rent? TODD Eight-hundred, split down the middle. Tuesdays and Thursdays I rehearse with my scene partner so the living room will be off limits. NICKY Off limits. TODD Right. And as far as household items: we can share the soap, but we'll split the cost 60/40. Cause the person who physically goes out and buys the soap shouldn't have to pay as much as the other guy. (looks at Nicky) Aren't you boiling in that outfit? NICKY No. TODD It's like eighty degrees in this hallway. You from the South? NICKY Yeah. The deep South. Nicky laughs a little too hard. TODD Why is that funny? NICKY I don't know. TODD And sorry, man, but no dogs allowed. Todd turns and goes into the apartment. BEEFY You'll be alright. Go on. Big day tomorrow. Don't forget to do that sleep thing I told you about. NICKY Got ya. (to Todd) Is it okay if I do the sleep thing? TODD Yeah, your bedroom is right over there. The door closes. Beefy looks down at the welcome mat. It reads: I "heart" METHOD ACTING. Beefy raises his leg over it. INT. NICKY'S ROOM Nicky is sleeping on top of the hissing radiator, fully clothed. When he inhales through his nose, we hear that familiar snoring/snorting sound. But when he exhales, we hear disturbing "speaking-in-tongues", Exorcist-style voices. SLOW PAN across the room to the doorway where Todd stands, looking concerned. EXT. CATHEDRAL - MORNING We HEAR the bells toll. We see the beautiful exterior of a large church. INT. CATHEDRAL CLOSE ON an ELDERLY, kind looking CARDINAL. He ascends the steps to the pulpit and looks out on his large congregation. We see that TV cameras are covering the SUNDAY service. He begins his homily. CARDINAL In today's gospel, the Lord tells us who we are to live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven... or something like that. Jesus sure says a lot of stuff in the Bible. Moses this. Moses that. Abraham hit me with a whiffle ball bat. The crowd stares dumbfounded. We see that the Cardinal is standing on a steaming hot pizza which is still in the box with the top open. CARDINAL Yep, the Lord sure did say a bunch of hibbity-jibbity. But has he ever really done anything for us? Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway? Has he ever given any of my enemies the herpes? No. He hasn't done a damn thing for any of us. A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN stands up. MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs. CARDINAL Ma'am, I know your son, and believe me, he was better off on drugs. He's a bore. At least when he was smoking hashish, he made me laugh occasionally. A YOUNG MAN and his PREGNANT WIFE stand up. YOUNG MAN After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby. CARDINAL No, your best friend Fitzie helped your wife conceive a baby. He helped her conceive it all night long. Fitzie, who's sitting on the other side of the Wife, starts to "raise the roof." Then thinks better of it. The Cardinal points to a well-dressed man in the front pew. CARDINAL How about you, Mr. Mayor? The Lord ever do anything for you? The Mayor has tinfoil on his feet. MAYOR (standing) Well, I wish I could think of something, Cardinal, but to be honest with you, I can't. Kind of makes you wonder if there even is a Lord. If there is any ultimate punishment for our so-called "sins." Maybe we should all just have fun and do whatever the hell we want. A hubbub is raised by the crowd. Fitzie raises the roof again, this time energetically. CARDINAL Amen to that. Let the sin begin! The hubbub grows to a roar. Several PEOPLE start fighting over the money in the collection plate. The Cardinal smiles knowingly at the Mayor. We hear the Cardinal's thoughts -- in Adrian's voice. ADRIAN (O.S.) Oh, this is delicious. ON MAYOR He's smirking. WE HEAR his telepathic response. CASSIUS (O.S.) (laughing) "Let the sin begins" -- that was a good one. ADRIAN (O.S.) Well, we must get people sinning if we want to fill up our New Hell. How are things going down at City Hall? CASSIUS (O.S.) I lowered the drinking age to ten. ADRIAN (O.S.) Brilliant. This is so much fun. I never want it to end. CASSIUS (O.S.) Why should it end? Who's gonna stop us? The Mayor/Cassius laughs. As he does, his eyes slowly cross. EXT. STREET - DAY Beefy is taking a dump on the sidewalk. PAN OVER TO: Nicky, his pants around his ankles. He's trying to do the same. NICKY This is intense! And it happens every day? Sometimes twice? I gotta tip my hat to you people! BEEFY Look, it's okay for me to shit the street. But you gotta use a toilet. NICKY (pulling up pants) Okay, just point me in the right direction next time. BEEFY Come on, there's like ten million people in this city and the clock is ticking. NICKY Well, let's rock and roll. Nicky looks at the next person walking by. It's a CHINESE DELIVERY GUY on a bicycle. Nicky clotheslines him, taking him off the bike in a sleeperhold/headlock. NICKY Get in the bottle. Dad's falling apart. You froze the gate and you're killing him. Drink! Nicky puts the flask to the Chinese Guy's lips. CHINESE DELIVERY GUY I'm not thirsty! I'm not thirsty! NICKY Just get in the flask! The Chinese Guy breaks loose, gives Nicky a roundhouse kick to the head and runs away. Nicky gets up. NICKY Adrian and Cassius! You think a kick to the head is gonna make me throw in the towel? Well, in the immortal words of Judas Priest, "You got another thing comin'." Beefy shakes his dog head and sighs as we see Nicky hold the bottle up to a few more PEDESTRIANS. EXT. STREET - DAY Nicky approaches various people as they pass. (To be shot long lens, real people, real reactions.) INT. POPEYE'S - DAY Nicky gets to the front of the line and tries to get the Cashier to drink. The Cashier yanks his head away and gives Nicky a dirty look. Nicky shrugs and points to the menu, ordering some chicken. EXT. STREET - DAY Nicky walks up to a homeless man. He thrusts the bottle in his face. To Nicky's surprise, the homeless man gladly takes it and drinks. Nothing happens. Nicky is baffled. He tries to take the flask back, but the man won't let go. Finally he grabs it away from him. The man starts throwing garbage at Nicky as he walks away. INT. CENTRAL PARK ZOO - DAY Beefy is looking around for Nicky. He spots him -- inside the polar bear cage. Nicky approaches the bear holding the flask. INT. HELL - MOMENTS LATER Nicky shoots through the firewall, having been killed again. The Gatekeeper is wearing tassels on his boobs. GATEKEEPER Bus? NICKY Beast. The Monster laughs. GATEKEEPER (to Monster) You like that? You think that's funny? The Gatekeeper swirls his tassels. GATEKEEPER How about that? You like that? The Monster howls with delight. EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY Nicky sits on the rocks, beaten and exhausted, eating a Popeye's drumstick. NICKY All that running and chasing is making the sleep thing want to come early. BEEFY I think we have to work on narrowing down our list of suspects. Now I'm going to go check in with some of my contacts uptown. Beefy hears Nicky's strange terrible snores. He's asleep. Beefy sighs. BEEFY Kid's got a lot of evil in him, just begging to come out... Beefy walks away. EXT. VARIOUS CENTRAL PARK LOCATIONS - DAY Nicky snores. Masses of birds fly out of the trees. Nicky snores. Squirrels run out of trees. Nicky snores. ON WORRIED PEOPLE Staring at Nicky who continues to snore. Two HEAVY-METAL GUYS, JOHN AND PETER, are listening to Danzig and doing a goofy dance. They hear something and turn the music down: it's the distant sound of Nicky's snore. PETER Sounds like our devil dance actually worked this time. JOHN 'Bout time... Nicky snores. It sounds like "I will eat your hearts." The worried people run away. Nicky snores. Children on the Carousel, going real fast, upset. Nicky snores. Peter and John walk over to a position near Nicky's bench. JOHN There's our man. PETER Mr. Sleepyhead must have some major ties to the dark side. A sleazy STREET VENDOR shuffles over towards Nicky. He eyes the flask which is half hanging out of Nicky's pocket. JOHN What's with that guy? PETER Gotta be one of his disciples or something. Suddenly, the Vendor grabs the flask (and Nicky's half-eaten drumstick) and runs off. JOHN Yo, man, I think that devil guy just got ripped off. PETER Should we wake him up? JOHN Yeah. You do it. Peter gets up and shakes Nicky who comes to with a loud SNORT. PETER Rise and shine, devil guy. Some dude just stole your shit. Nicky feels for the flask. It's gone. NICKY Oh nooooo... Fire shoots out of Nicky's mouth. NICKY Which way did he go? JOHN That way. Nicky is about to run off. Looks at John's shirt. NICKY Iron Maiden live double disc is simply phenomenal. He runs off. PETER Did you check out the dragon mouth? JOHN The Dark Prince is here. EXT. SIDE STREET - DAY Nicky is searching the street for his flask. He walks past several STREET VENDORS who have set up their wares on the sidewalk. PAUSE. Nicky comes walking back into frame as he sees his flask (and half-eaten drumstick) laying on the blanket of the VENDOR. NICKY Hey... STREET VENDOR See something you like, my man? NICKY Yes. I would like my flask back. The street vendor stands, very angry. STREET VENDOR You callin' me a thief, my man? NICKY No, I'm just calling you... a guy who has my flask. STREET VENDOR And if that is your so-called "flask," how would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief? NICKY (not sure what the answer is) I don't know? A YUPPIE JOGGER is checking out the flask. MAN Yeah, how much for the silver flask there? STREET VENDOR Well, that's a very special item. The cap itself is one hundred percent plappium. It's a value is over three thousand dollars. MAN Really. Where's it from? NICKY It was handcrafted in hell by Satan himself and is only to be used for the capture and containment of my blood brothers so that the firefall of Hades will burn brightly once again. MAN Really. I think we'll let you keep it then. He walks away. STREET VENDOR Okay, now you gone and done it. You done messed with my business bitch! NICKY Sir, I would prefer if you didn't raise your voice. It's making my muscles tighten. We see that Nicky's eyes are starting to glow red. STREET VENDOR Oh, you gonna go all crazy eyes on me? I'll show you some crazy eyes. Let's get busy. The vendor makes an even crazier face at Nicky and starts swinging his fists around. Nearby, VALERIE, an unsure, sweetly unstylish young woman, is selling clothes off a spread out blanket. She notices what's going on. Nicky's eyes widen in panic. Just then, Valerie steps in. VALERIE Excuse me, does that flask belong to this man? STREET VENDOR (frustrated) Now you callin' me a thief? Damn. VALERIE Look, I know you come out here and sell stolen stuff all the time. But today, the guy you stole from just happened to walk by and bust you. So why don't you admit today's not your day and give him his flask back? STREET VENDOR Or what're you gonna do about it? Ugly me to death? VALERIE No, but maybe that cop over there might have something to say. Valerie points to a cop across the street. The Street Vendor ponders this for a second, then... STREET VENDOR Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy. (looking at Valerie) And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes and find a new corner. Before I show you what real crazy is. The vendor does crazy eyes again. VALERIE Fine. I will. Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick. NICKY Hey, mister. I'll be seeing you in a few years. Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky follows her. NICKY That was amazing. Thanks so much. You didn't have to do that. VALERIE That's okay. I get messed with all the time and when I saw him doing that to you I just lost it. I hate when people take advantage of tourists. It ruins it for the rest of us. NICKY You think I'm a tourist? VALERIE I'm sorry. I just assumed. Your accent maybe. Where are you from? NICKY The South. VALERIE Really? NICKY Yeah. Deep south. (laughs hard) She laughs along with him, not sure why. VALERIE Why are you laughing? NICKY I don't know, but I like it. Say. Your glasses are nice. They make your eyes look sparkly and big. It's fun to look at them. VALERIE My dad's an optometrist. NICKY My dad's in hell, and he's falling apart. VALERIE I'm sorry. It's really tough when your parents get older. NICKY If I don't save him, I don't know what I'm gonna do. VALERIE Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like you will figure something out. Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her. He hands her the half-eaten drumstick. NICKY Here, have a Popeye's. This drumstick ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'. VALERIE That's alright. I already ate lunch. I actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati. NICKY Could I come with you to getting a Gelati? VALERIE If you want to. NICKY Want to? A million angry octopus people couldn't hold me back! VALERIE "Octopus people?" NICKY Uh, it's a deep south expression. Nicky laughs. EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati. NICKY It's freezing my hands. VALERIE It's not that cold. Here, let me wrap it. Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky. Just then the PREACHER walks by. He quickly turns his head, sensing Nicky. PREACHER Why do you taunt me with your darkness?! Your evil is stinking up our streets! We're all gonna die! He takes off running right into a lamp post. VALERIE This town is really going to hell lately. (Nicky nods) So what part of the city do you live in? NICKY I have an apartment. I don't remember exactly where. My dog knows, though. VALERIE (laughs) You have a dog? What kind? NICKY I'm not sure. I'd ask him, but he's uptown talking to his contacts. EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind. BEEFY Remember, it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. GIRL DOG Just finish. EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY VALERIE I'd love to have a dog. But I go to school full time. It wouldn't be fair to the dog. NICKY School? VALERIE Parsons School of Design. I knew growing up I wasn't much to look at, so I put my energy into making things that are pretty. NICKY What's that pleasant smell coming from, your skin? VALERIE My perfume? He takes her wrist to his nose. He stares at it, licks it. VALERIE (laughs) It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Which I think is the French word for coconuts. Nicky stops and looks at her. NICKY Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch of butterflies flapping around in my stomach. Is that normal? VALERIE Sometimes, sure. NICKY Good. I was concerned. EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall. We hear loud wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side. GATEKEEPER Doesn't sound very good behind there. I hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth. The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather biker's hat. He nods along in agreement. PAN TO LUCIFER Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of fire/pond. LUCIFER You know, I was the one who created Hell. GATEKEEPER I know, your wickedness. LUCIFER I started slow, though. For years, I was just giving people hot foots. Actually, you can give all the credit for Hell to my first wife; she was the inspiration. She was an ugly one, too. One day, she asked me if I wanted super sex. I said I'll take the soup. The Monster laughs really hard. LUCIFER Take it easy there, Chewbacca. In fact, you look like her mother, except she had more hair. The Monster laughs even harder. LUCIFER You know what was in Hell when I came down here, Cassius? GATEKEEPER It's Stanley, sir. LUCIFER Nothing. No mountains. No castles. Looked like a giant parking lot. It wasn't even called Hell. GATEKEEPER What was it called, sir. LUCIFER Boogerland! GATEKEEPER That's nice, Grandpa. Why don't you just enjoy the fishing? LUCIFER I can't enjoy anything. I go fishing. I catch nothing. I go to orgies, I catch everything... We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's fishing line to: EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook. A giant fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body. Only his head is sticking out. PEEPER I deserve this! EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk. KID I just stole twenty-five bucks off the bar. KID #2 How many beers did you have? KID # 3 Eight sips. KID I had five! I'm so wasted. They both high five, throw up and fall. PAN over to ADRIAN sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS. ADRIAN When an adult goes to Hell, that's terrific. But when a child goes... that's why I'm in this business. Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with Valerie. He's shocked. Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her collection. NICKY So you're saying, make all pants with a drawstring, then heavier set gals don't have to feel humiliated by telling their waist size in front of the whole store? VALERIE Basically, yeah. NICKY Wow. Maybe you should make drawstring socks for gals with fat ankles. Valerie laughs. VALERIE You know what's nice about you? You just seem happy being yourself. You don't try to act cool. NICKY Thanks much. You know what's nice about you, Valerie? VALERIE What? Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden. NICKY looks like he's been stunned by something. NICKY Your juicy, heart-shaped ass. VALERIE What was that? NICKY (shocked and confused) I... I don't know why I just said that. I meant to say that... QUICK CUT TO: Adrian's eyes flashing. NICKY ...I've always wanted to have sex with a gross pig. What do you say we go behind that dumpster, pull our pants down and see what happens? Valerie's very hurt. VALERIE You're a jerk. She turns and walks away. Nicky looks over and sees Adrian. His inner voice speaks to him. NICKY (O.S.) ADRIAN! ADRIAN (O.S.) You shouldn't have come here. NICKY (O.S.) Please, get out of my mind! Adrian's eyes flash. NICKY Hey, Valerie! She stops and turns. Nicky RAISES his fist to resist Adrian's force. It's too much. His middle finger comes up, giving her the "finger." VALERIE What the hell's your problem? She runs away crying. Nicky turns to Adrian who's still across the street. NICKY (O.S.) Adrian, you gotta come back to Hell. Dad's sick. ADRIAN (O.S.) He's sick? NICKY (O.S.) Yeah, he needs souls to live. When you guys left, you broke the gates. We gotta get the gates burning again before he dies. Adrian processes this. ADRIAN (O.S.) He should have thought of that before he denied me my birthright. NICKY (O.S.) Well maybe you should go back and talk it over with him. ADRIAN (O.S.) How about this? I stay here enjoying my Schnapps and you go back. Nicky's body jerks around. NICKY (O.S.) Adrian, please... Nicky, fighting control over his body, walks slowly and crazily into the middle of the street where he sees a large truck bearing down on him. JOHN and PETER get blood splattered on them. Peter looks down to see the "666" forms in blood on their clothes. PETER Check this out. The number of the beast. They laugh and hi-five. ON THE TV - DAY INT. CBS EVENING NEWS PROGRAM Dan Rather speaks to the camera. Over his shoulder we see a graphic of the Arch-Decon's face. NOTE (Arch-Decon is a made up religious figure that appeared earlier in the script.) DAN RATHER Reverberations from Arch-Decon Donnelly's shocking speech are still being felt throughout the city. Today, some disgruntled cast members of the play CATS broke the fourth wall in a most hostile manner. VIDEO FOOTAGE A few CATS are down in the aisle physically pushing around shocked audience members. BACK ON DAN RATHER DAN RATHER ...But even that does not come close to what happened today on Live with Regis and Kathy Lee. VIDEO FOOTAGE The set of Regis and Kathy Lee. REGIS So I was driving to work today, and some bozo in a Cadillac cut me off... KATHY LEE Oh, that's terrible, Reege... REGIS So I followed him... KATHY LEE You followed him? REGIS I followed him all the way downtown, and when he gets out of the car, I reach under my seat and pull out an aluminum bat. KATHY LEE You keep a bat under your seat? REGIS Recently, yes! So I run up behind this guy, and start bashing his brains in with this bat, and it made me feel happy! Did you ever see THE UNTOUCHABLES? KATHY LEE Yes, great movie... REGIS I was DeNiro! The blue haired lady AUDIENCE is crying. The TV turns off. We PULL BACK to see that we are in. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY Beefy turns to Nicky. BEEFY Your brothers are upsetting the balance of good and evil. NICKY What can I do about it? BEEFY You can't do jack shit... unless you learn your evil powers. NICKY Nobody's as evil as my brothers. Those dudes put the wick in wicked. BEEFY Go get a soda out of the fridge. NICKY But those are my roommate's sodas... BEEFY (high-pitched mocking) "But those are my roommate's sodas..." Does that sound like a statement the son of the devil would make? Nicky, ashamed, gets a Coke out of the fridge and places it on the coffee table. He and Beefy sit on the couch and stare at the Coke. BEEFY You have the power to change the cola in that can into any other liquid -- engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss. You just have to release the evil within you. NICKY Release the evil? BEEFY I'm just saying, there's wickedness in you... I can tell from your snores. Nicky stares at the can. BEEFY Release your evil... Nicky frowns and bites his lip. The can rattles a little. TODD What are you doing? Todd is standing in the doorway. Beefy runs to the fire escape. [ MISSING PAGE ] TODD I know it's your living room night. But can I finish watching the Globetrotters' game out here? To me it's classic Comedia Dellarte. CUT TO: INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER The TV clicks on. We see TODD sit down and look at the TV. Nicky's behind him. ON TV INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY BILL WALTON What an odd game, folks. The powerhouse 85-0 Harlem Globetrotters, who normal run circles around the 0- 85 Nationals, seem to be struggling to find their groove in front of their hometown fans. A Globetrotter makes a fancy pass to another player, who makes a fancy pass to CORNROWS who starts doing some VINTAGE GLOBETROTTERS FANCY DRIBBLING. The REF blows the whistle and makes the traveling signal. REF He's walking, get him a bus! BILL WALTON Oh, another awful call. There is no way that was traveling. Ref takes ball from Cornrows, who gets in the Ref's face. CORNROWS What's with all these crazy calls? You gotta watch that shit, we haven't lost a game in 53 years. REF Technical foul! Ref snaps just like Cassius in the players' face. ON TODD AND NICKY NICKY That guy in the striped shirt snaps his fingers like someone I know... ON TV The ref mind wrestles four globetrotters to simultaneously slam their heads on the scorers table again and again. ON TODD AND NICKY NICKY It looks like the work of a brother... TODD A black guy? NICKY If it's Cassius, yes. Nicky races for the door. INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - DAY As the ref taunts the crowd, a fan wearing a Globetrotter's shirt yells out. GLOBETROTTER FAN Get your head out your ass, ref! The kids came to see the Globetrotters win. REF Oh, so you wanna lip off to me? Unsportsmanlike conduct on the big mouth in the Globetrotter's shirt. Take ten points off for the Globetrotters. The Globetrotter's score on the board goes from 46 to 36. ON STANDS The KIDS are crying. ON COURT The halftime buzzer sounds. The Globetrotters walk off the court. The crowd BOOS. BILL WALTON In all my years of basketball, I was never so happy to hear a halftime buzzer. Folk, I'm afraid if the second half doesn't get any better, I expect a full scale riot. A spotlight points to an announcer at mid-court. COURT ANNOUNCER It's time for the Globetrotter's halftime half-court heave throw, where one lucky fan will have a shot at ten thousand dollars! A brick lands at the announcer's feet. COURT ANNOUNCER And if he makes it, everyone in attendance today will receive a free pizza. INT. ARENA TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS MIGUEL, wearing a big basketball jersey, looks nervous. He has a pass on. MIGUEL I ain't goin' out there and taking the shot. These people have gone crazy. NICKY I'll take the shot. INT. BASKETBALL ARENA STANDS - CONTINUOUS As Nicky runs out on the court, Peter turns to John. PETER Look who's back from the dead. JOHN Six, six, six, pick up sticks. They high-five. The only happy fans in their section. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Todd's baffled, looking at his roommate on TV. Beefy is watching from the fire escape. TODD What's Nicky doing down there? BEEFY Trying to capture his brother in a flask and preserve the balance of good and evil on Earth. Todd looks over, suspicious. TODD Did you just talk? BEEFY No. INT. BASKETBALL ARENA - CONTINUOUS The court announcer covers his mic and whispers to Nicky. COURT ANNOUNCER You better win these people some free pizza. Looks like they're about to start killing each other. STANDS A BUSINESSMAN pushes a very old SODA GUY down an aisle of stairs. COURTSIDE The court announcer hands Nicky the ball. He looks at it. NICKY Release the evil. His eyes get red. Staring at the ball, it explodes. NICKY Okay, too much evil.. Bill Walton's hair is on fire. BILL WALTON I think that ball just blew up. And yes, my hair is aflame. NICKY (turning to sideline) Could I get another ball? The court announcer throws out another ball. Nicky stares at it again with red eyes. NICKY I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle. Nicky throws an underhand shot. The ball arcs through the air and is about to go in when the ref comes out of nowhere and swats it away. REF Get that crap outta here! The crowd BOOS! Nicky and the ref stare at each other. NICKY (O.S.) I know you're having fun, Cassius, but you gotta come back to Hell. CASSIUS (O.S.) Look around you, Nicky. We're in Hell. The New Hell. STANDS We see FITZIE, sitting between TWO PREGNANT WOMEN, raising the roof. COURTSIDE As the crowd BOOS, Nicky runs over and grabs the microphone. NICKY Listen up, New York. Your souls are in great danger... Nicky gets hit by a hot dog. NICKY Alright, how about this? I get one more shot. The ref will cover me. I miss it, the Globetrotters forfeit the game. I make it, he doesn't ref the second half and we all start conducting ourselves like decent human beings again. The crowd is silent. NICKY And we get free pizza. The crowd roars. INT. ANNOUNCING BOOTH - CONTINUOUS Bill Walton's hair is now burnt looking. BILL WALTON I think it's safe to say we're all rooting for this bizarre and hideous looking man. Bill Walton reaches over to an old lady sitting near him. He takes off her wig, leaving behind her bald head, and puts her wig on his head in order to cover his burnt hair. The crowd starts YELLING. CROWD Nicky! Nicky! Nicky! STANDS John and Peter are yelling the loudest. COURTSIDE The ref walks to half-court and hands Nicky the ball. NICKY You know, Dad got very sick when you left. REF I heard. I'm glad he's dying. It's my turn now. Nicky's eyes get red, he starts dribbling. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Beefy is watching, transfixed. BEEFY Take him to the hole, Nicky. (Todd stares) I mean, woof! Woof! Todd looks at Beefy, terrified. INT. TUNNEL We see CORNROWS and some other Globetrotters are coming back from the locker room. They stop to watch. INT. BASKETBALL COURT - MIDCOURT - CONTINUOUS Nicky pushes the ball up the court while the ref plays extremely tight defense. Nicky fakes one way, then heads toward the basket. The ref stays tight. Nicky's eyes are redder than ever. He fakes left, he fakes right. He dribbles behind the back, dribbles between the legs, then takes his momentum up toward the basket. He jumps from the foul line and flies through the air. He emits a crazy, blood curdling, devil yell. CUT AWAY DURING DEVIL YELL TO: SHOT CLOCK It reads: 666. Popcorn and sodas EXPLODE. Cornrow's cornrows POP open into a GIANT AFRO. BACK ON NICKY Nicky's head starts turning and does a 360 (like the Exorcist). He ends his flight by slamming down a thunderous dunk, cracking the backboard's glass into pieces. He hits the ref on the way down. The crowd CHEERS, finally happy again. NICKY Never doubt my skills. INT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS CORNROWS Damn, I gotta learn how to do that. MID-COURT Nicky sees the ref is lying on the basketball arena floor, covered in glass. He gets up slowly REF That's nuts. When'd you learn that shit? NICKY Sorry, Cassius. Maybe it was the super devil juice Dad gave me. HE thought I might need it for just such an occasion. REGIS Super devil juice? Give it over. Let's go best two out of three. NICKY (pulls out the flask) No. No way. Dad said it was only for me. The ref rips the flask from Nicky and drinks. Cassius screams like bloody hell as he is sucked out of the ref's mouth and into the bottle. WHOOSH! The ref slumps to the floor. STANDS Still quiet until John and Peter rush to Nicky and bow. COURTSIDE Nicky peers into the flask. CASSIUS (O.S.) Damn you, Nicky! There ain't no super devil juice in here! Nicky caps the flask. Nicky waves to the stunned, but appreciative crowd. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT A homemade cake is laid out. It reads: CONGRATULATIONS, NICKY. JOHN, TODD, PETER AND BEEFY are there. TODD So your father's the devil, you're a talking dog sent from Hell, and you guys are who? PEEPER Just a couple of big fans of Nicky and the work his Dad does. JOHN By the way, Nicky. Check this out. He spins his Black Sabbath backwards. JOHN What's Ozzy trying to say there? NICKY Absolutely nothing. The Blizzard always came straight with his messages. But wrap your minds around this one. Nicky gets up and we see his is sitting on a hibachi. He pus on a James Taylor album and plays it backwards. VOICE I command you in the name of the Lucifer to spread the blood of the innocent. John and Peter look at each other, shocked. JOHN No wonder your uncle's so weird... TODD I gotta say this cake tastes a little funny. PETER Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix. Tried to spice up the bash. Nicky takes a big bite of cake. NICKY What's reefer? DISSOLVE TO: INT. APARTMENT - LATER PAN UP from Popeye's laying everywhere. Everyone's laughing hard. JOHN Come on. One more time. NICKY Not again, fellas. It kind of hurts. PETER Please. You got to. NICKY (resigned) All right... Nicky loosens up his neck and makes his head go around 360 degrees. Everyone cracks up, high fives. Even Todd LAUGHS. PAN OVER to Beefy, who has bloodshot eyes. BEEFY I used to get baked like this with my first girlfriend, Heather. We'd get so stoned she would forget I was a dog. JOHN She was human? BEEFY Actually, she was a sewer rat. Man, that pissed my parents off. JOHN I dated a Japanese girl once. My parents disapproved. Not cause she's Japanese, but cause she was only fifteen. NICKY I'm only fifteen... thousand years old. Everyone cracks up. TODD I was in love one time but she said I wasn't financially reliable enough. And she needed that. JOHN By she, do you mean he? TODD No. BEEFY Busted. (laughs) PETER How you feelin' over there, Satan Abdul Jabar? NICKY A little strange. I can't stop thinking about this girl, Valerie. TODD Why? Did she hurt you? Do you miss her? Need a shoulder to cry on? JOHN Easy, Liberace. TODD Oh, would you grow up. NICKY We had the greatest afternoon of my life until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped ass. BEEFY Maybe you love her. But what do I know? I'm baked out of my mind. PETER Me, too. We're gonna get going. TODD You guys want to stay? I have a futon in my bedroom. JOHN That's a big pass, Elton John. PETER We're going to see Ozzy play at the Meadowlands, right now. Wanna come, Nicky? NICKY No thanks. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to give Ozzy the focus he deserves. JOHN Whoa, that chick must be the real deal, then. Later on. NICKY See ya, fellas. They leave. BEEFY (O.S.) You better snap out of it soon, kid. Cause we're going after Adrian tomorrow. Seven AM. Nighty, night. He falls asleep and starts snoring. We hear the SOUND of THREE LITTLE GIRLS singing "Ring Around The Rosie" as he exhales. TODD That is the most frightening thing I have ever seen. Nicky stands and moves to the window. He looks out longingly over the sleeping city... achingly. RACK FOCUS behind him, we see Todd nodding encouragingly in the reflection. NICKY Todd. Which way to the Parson's School of Design? EXT. PARSON'S SCHOOL OF DESIGN - NIGHT Nicky walks around the corner. SIGN READS: "Parson's School - Student Housing" Nicky is standing in front of the dorm rooms. He looks up. Scanning the windows, he picks up a scent. NICKY (he sniffs) Coconuts... Nicky goes to the fire escape and starts to climb. His nose leads him. He reaches the window, sniffing heavily. INT. DORM ROOM WINDOW - CONTINUOUS A STUDENT is standing in the window draped in silks, feeling his nipples with his legs crossed like the guy in "Silence of the Lambs." The student is startled. STUDENT Hello. NICKY You smell like coconuts. STUDENT It's "Comptoir Sud Pacific." Makes me feel like a hula girl. Which is kinda what I'm going for. Wanna come in? NICKY No thanks. I'm looking for a girl named Valerie who also smells like coconuts. STUDENT Valerie Doran? Two floors up, one window over. NICKY Thanks, much. Good luck with the genital tucking. STUDENT I don't need luck. I'm good. Nicky floats away. A few seconds later, he floats back, holding up the flask. NICKY Adrian? STUDENT Andrew. Nicky nods and floats off. EXT. VALERIE'S WINDOW - MOMENTS LATER Nicky crouches outside her window and peers in. INT. VALERIE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS Cool music. She is up late. Working by candlelight on a fantastic design. Something's not working. She drapes a beautiful fabric over another. She smiles at the combination. She is happy being creative. Nicky feels his heart swell as he watches her. ON NICKY He's so enraptured he leans forward trying to kiss her. His head bumps the window. She turns, startled. She sees the beaming Nicky. NICKY Hey. VALERIE Nicky? Oh my God. Stay right there. Pause. Valerie opens the window and sprays a can of mace right in Nicky's face. NICKY Oh that stings! My eyes are on fire! Nicky stands up and stumbles around. VALERIE What were you thinking coming here? NICKY I'm not sure, but it didn't involve getting blinded with poison. He bounces off the front rail, stumbles backward and goes flying over the back rail. EXT. VALERIE'S STREET - NIGHT We see Nicky hurtling toward the street. Holding his eyes. VALERIE Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Suddenly he stops. Suspended above ground. Valerie doesn't hear the expected thud. VALERIE Nicky? He floats up, but he can't see. NICKY Valerie? VALERIE Are you dead? NICKY No. VALERIE What are you doing? NICKY I think I'm floating. VALERIE Why would you be floating? NICKY I don't know. Maybe it's because of your sweet voice. VALERIE Am I supposed to not be freaked out right now? Because I am. He's floating up. He slows down. NICKY I can't see you but I can smell you. And you make me feel alive in a way I've never felt before. CUT TO REVEAL he's floating outside the student's window. The student's dripping candle wax on his belly. STUDENT You got the wrong window again, man. NICKY Oh. Sorry, Andrew. Valerie? Nicky resumes floating up. VALERIE I'm over here, Nicky! To the left. Nicky is parallel with her. He hovers in front of her, eyes still watering. She punches Nicky in the face, and he flies back ten feet. VALERIE Look, just because you're floating doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about you giving me the finger. NICKY That wasn't me. I was being possessed by my brother, Adrian. He's the one who call you a gross pig. VALERIE What do you mean, "possessed?" NICKY Remember when I told you my Dad was in Hell? VALERIE Yes... NICKY Well, that's because he's the Devil. And he wants to keep his throne for another ten-thousand years. Which is fine with me, but not with my brothers, so they broke out of Hell, causing my dad... VALERIE ..."The Devil?"... NICKY ...to decompose. And I love my Dad very much. So I came to Earth to save him but then crazy eyes stole my flask and I met you and... well, my dog tells me I just might be in love with you. His vision is clearing and he can start to see her. She is totally in shock but still here. VALERIE Okay, now I get that "deep south" joke. Nicky laughs. Valerie joins in. VALERIE I don't know if I should believe you. Nicky starts to drop. NICKY You gotta believe me. You gotta believe in the butterflies. VALERIE Okay, I do. Get back up here. He floats up to her holding out his hand. Nervously, she takes his hand and suddenly she is lifting off and they are flying. EXT. MANHATTAN - SKY - NIGHT They fly past the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. VALERIE This is amazing. They soar past some more buildings. EXT. STREET - NIGHT The preacher senses something. He looks to the sky, then holds the cross from around his neck as high as he can. PREACHER The hellbeast is above us. He's invading our skies! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! EXT. SKY - NIGHT VALERIE He's kind of ruining the mood. NICKY Let me take care of that. EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS The preacher is still angrily shouting towards the sky. PREACHER We're all gonna die! A fire hydrant cap turns and comes off. A powerful blast of water shoots out and hits the preacher, KNOCKING him across the street into a plate glass window. EXT. NYC SKY - CONTINUOUS VALERIE Can we go fly over Central Park? NICKY Next time. Tonight, I want to share the most beautiful thing I could possibly imagine. EXT. OVER THE HUDSON RIVER - NIGHT They fly over it, away from NYC. VALERIE We're going to Jersey? NICKY East Rutherford. EXT. MEADOWLANDS - NIGHT They float high above the Meadowlands. There is an outdoor concert going on. OZZFEST. We hear the Ozz on stage in his encore. He is singing "Mr. Crowley." Nicky turns to Valerie. NICKY I never thought I'd ever see Ozzy live until he was dead. (he looks at her) Please tell me you like metal. VALERIE (sings along to song) "Mister Crowley, what's inside of your head..." Nicky's jaw drops as he stares at her. NICKY My dog was right. I'm in love with you. They slow dance tighter. The music swells. John and Peter look up from their seats far below. Nicky sees them while he's holding her tight. They give thumbs up. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING Feeling great. Spring in his step, we see Nicky walking down the street. He stops and smells some flowers at a Korean Tommet. The KOREANS point and seem agitated by him. Nicky gives them a friendly wave. NICKY (in Korean) Moo ya san jie bay! The Koreans just glare. Nicky's confused. MUSIC CUE: A dissonant, nervous score accompanies the rest of the sequence. EXT. STREET - DAY A NUT VENDOR leaves his cart and starts following. Nicky looks back a little, unnerved. A TAXI screeches in front of him. The DRIVER gets out and goes after him. EXT. STREET - DAY A group of school girls in uniform break loose from their teacher and start chasing Nicky. EXT. BROWNSTONE STOOP - DAY A gigantically fat guy sees Nicky run by. He thinks about going after him but decides not to and takes a big bite of a candy bar instead. EXT. BASKETBALL COURT - DAY Ten guys playing wheelchair basketball see Nicky. They point and start wheeling after him. EXT. HILLY STREET - DAY Nicky is putting some distance between him and the mob. NICKY What's going on here? But when he heads downhill, the GUYS IN WHEELCHAIRS start to catch up. They get closer and closer until... Nicky makes a last second right turn into an alley. The wheelchairs can't slow down and crash into a double decker tourist BUS at the bottom of the street. The TOURIST on the top level look over the edge to see the crash. EXT. ALLEY - DAY Nicky is panicking, out of breath. A BUM (RADIOMAN) rises up out of his cardboard box. The bum raises his bottle and thunks Nicky on the head. It doesn't break. NICKY Ow... what was that for? BUM Fifty million dollars. The bum holds up a NEW YORK POST. It reads "MONSTER WANTED!" And has a picture of Nicky. Nicky is shocked. Nicky turns to run out of the alley, but the mob is there blocking the entrance. He's trapped. They start running right at him. He closes his eyes. NICKY Release the evil. Nicky's body splits into about five-hundred horrifying insects, all with a miniature NICKY HEAD. The Nickysects run right at the crowd, and the crows immediately starts running the other way, completely freaked out. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - DAY Beefy and Todd are watching TV. They look over to see the insects scurry under the front door and morph back into one exhausted Nicky. NICKY I seem to be in trouble, Beefy. BEEFY The shit has hit the fan, kid. Take a look. TODD Been breaking all morning. ON THE TV - DAY We see Dan Rather addressing the camera. DAN RATHER At a news conference earlier today, Chief of Police Andy Shaifer gave this beleaguered city its latest dose of bad news. He revealed that the man who caused a sensation at basketball arena last night is no hero... he is, in fact, a mass murderer. We see the chief of police behind a bunch of mics. He's holding up a picture of Nicky taken at the Basketball arena. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Nicky's outraged. NICKY I didn't murder anybody BEEFY Look. You were really high. Things happen. NICKY I was with Valerie, I swear. This is Adrian's work. I've got to find him. BEEFY I think you're looking at him. ON THE TV - DAY We reveal that the chief is standing on a grilled-cheese press to keep him warm. CHIEF OF POLICE (on TV) This video shows what he did after he left the basketball arena yesterday... ON THE VIDEOTAPE - DAY Scarface shooting his AK-47. Nicky's face has been crudely superimposed over his. GUY (Adrian's voice) My name's Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all you suckers for no reason! CUT TO FOOTAGE ON "SCARFACE" ON TV - DAY The Chief shakes his head. CHIEF OF POLICE Difficult to watch, I know. In response to this vicious crime, I am authorizing the largest reward in law enforcement history: fifty million dollars to the person or persons who bring this man to me. INT. TODD'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Nicky stands outraged. NICKY This is baloney! BEEFY He superimposed your head onto "Scarface." TODD ...which is by far DePalma's best work... LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR The pounding increases. NICKY I'm not Nicky. I'm not home! I don't live here! PETER Dude, it's us. Let us in. Nicky opens the door. Peter and John stumble in. JOHN There's like a total mob scene coming this way. We hear VOICES of an approaching crowd coming outside. NICKY I thought for sure I gave 'em the slip. Todd is looking out the window. TODD Looks like they're following a giant trail of bug shit. PETER What'll we do now, Beefy? BEEFY I don't know, this is a little out of my league. Voices grow louder. VOICES (O.S.) Come on. Let's get 'em. JOHN What would your dad do, Nicky? NICKY Good idea... kill me. PETER Dude. Seriously? NICKY Yes. I'll meet you at Grand Central at noon. Okay. Do me. I command you. JOHN AND PETER (psyched) Alright! John takes Nicky's head and slams it hard into the kitchen counter. Nicky is dazed. NICKY That just hurt a lot. TODD I've always wanted to kill someone. Can I do it? JOHN Look at Queen Latifah steppin' up. INT. BATHROOM - DAY Nicky is in the bathtub being angrily drowned by Todd. John and Peter watch happily. TODD Die, Grandma, die! Nicky's arm comes out with a thumbs up. Pause. The hand drops back in. He's dead. INT. THRONE ROOM - LATER Start on a CLOSE UP of Lucifer. He's holding cards, looking at his hand. LUCIFER Royal flush, you lose. Off with the bra. The Demons and Gatekeeper are sitting around playing strip poker. The Gatekeeper takes off his bra. From behind, we see his breasts flop out. LUCIFER Last time I saw a pair of jugs that big, two hillbillies were blowing on them. The Gatekeeper throws his hand down and storms out. The Monster laughs uproariously. Nicky enters and moves to what's left of his dad. Arms, torso, and a head (with one ear). NICKY Dad, Adrian's got the whole city after me. He's always a step ahead. What am I gonna do? DAD What are you gonna do? Look at me, Nicky! I got no legs, I got no hips, I got one ear... Dad's remaining ear falls out. DAD I got no ears! I can't hear! JIMMY THE DEMON Now he's got no ears! You happy, Nicky? Your father's got no ears!