"KRAMER VS. KRAMER" by Robert Benton FADE IN: INT. OFFICE – ADVERTISING AGENCY – MIDTOWN – EVENING WIDE SHOT A large and very comfortable office over-looking St. Patrick's Cathedral. At the moment the office is filled to bursting with men and women, slumped in chairs, sitting on desks, all of them very tense. Among the crowd of people we note: MURRAY FISHER, a young and very ambitious junior executive and PHYLLIS BERNARD, an attractive woman in her early thirties. She is a lawyer with the agency. At the moment, TED KRAMER, nice-looking without being what you would call a matinee idol, paces back and forth. His tie is loosened, he checks his watch every fifteen seconds. Clearly he is very distraught. TED (predicting the worst) They're not gonna call... I tell you they're not gonna call. I blew it. I don't know what I did wrong, but I – REVERSE ON JIM O'CONNOR Ted's boss and good friend. He is in his middle fifties, nattily dressed with the slightly bleary look of a heavy drinker. He sits back in his chair with his feet propped on the desk and a drink in one hand. O'CONNOR (not unfriendly) Ted, will you take it easy? Revlon's not about to drop an account that represents more than two million in gross billing receipts in a small agency like this, without making us sweat. Now just relax, okay? Everything's gonna be fine. TED (at this stage, nothing will help) I don't think so, Jim. Maybe I shouldn't have – Sound-effect: The phone rings. Everyone freezes. As O'Connor reaches for the phone, CUT TO: INT. CHILD'S ROOM, KRAMER APT. – EVENING The room is dark, the only light coming from a small night light. We SEE a beautiful five year old boy (BILLY KRAMER). He lies in bed, half asleep. HOLD FOR A BEAT as a beautiful woman (JOANNA KRAMER) leans over, kisses the child and hugs him tightly to her. JOANNA (intense) I love you, Billy... BILLY (drowsy) I love you too, mommy... Good-night... ON JOANNA She gets up from the bed and starts toward the door of the child's room. JOANNA Sleep tight... BILLY Don't let the bedbugs bite... Joanna stops in the doorway, silhouetted against the light. She turns, takes a last look at her son, then steps outside. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – EVENING ON JOANNA Now that the light is brighter, we can SEE her more clearly. In her mid-thirties, she is beautiful, dressed in a style that can best be described as Bloomingdale's. HOLD FOR A BEAT as she leans against the door. It is clear from her expression that she is terribly upset. Then, making up her mind, she crosses to a closet and takes out a suitcase. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HER as she carries it into the bedroom, lays it out on the bed and opens it. PAN WITH HER as she crosses to a closet, grabs an armload of clothes and dumps them helter-skelter into the suitcase. CUT TO: INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE – EVENING It is a few minutes later, the news has obviously been good because there is a general celebration in progress. Jim O'Connor, now standing, raises one hand for silence, then making a toast. O'CONNOR Here's to Ted Kramer. Cheers and good-natured jokes. O'CONNOR (putting an arm around Ted squeezing him tight) I wanna tell you something about this little runt. He went out there and sold the shit out of Revlon and that's why we got the account. It was his idea, it was his concept, right down the line... More hoots and cheers. People start to yell "Speech." TED (embarrassed, but cannot stop grinning) All I can say... All I can say is this is maybe one of the five best days of my whole life... CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM – KRAMER APT. – EVENING Joanna stands at the medicine cabinet, going through it, packing things in a travel kit: rollers, deodorant, makeup, birth control pills. She starts to take a small bottle of perfume that has only an eighth of an inch of fluid left inside, hesitates, then puts it back. CUT TO: INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE – EVENING Now some time has passed, most of the crowd has gone and only the regulars are left. TED (in the middle of a story) So anyway Jim and I are making the pitch, right? And all of a sudden this old guy starts to cough and I keep on going and he keeps on coughing and I keep on going and he keeps on coughing and – Murray Fisher leans over, shakes Ted's hand. MURRAY (interrupting) Congratulations, Ted. That was a hell of a job. TED (surprised) Where you goin' Murray, it's early? MURRAY Got to get home. TED (glancing at his watch) Oh, Christ, I'm late... I gotta get out of here. (however, instead of going, he settles back and resumes his story) So anyway, I look over and this old geezer is starting to turn blue and I swear to God the only thing I can think about is that this poor sonofabitch is gonna die on me and screw up the pitch. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN – KRAMER APT. – EVENING INSERT: A long and meticulous list that Joanna is making out of the phone numbers and addresses of doctors and hospitals, of what the various medicines are for, and of the foods that Billy is and isn't permitted to eat. WIDER ANGLE As Joanna puts the finishing touches on the list and carefully arranges it on top of the kitchen counter next to a box of unsweetened, whole grain cereal and a jar of honey. Note: It is this same set of notes that Ted will later unthinkingly throw away. CUT TO: EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – MIDTOWN – NIGHT WIDE SHOT As the doors to the outer lobby open and Ted and O'Connor appear. Ted starts to hail a cab, O'Connor stops him. O'CONNOR Hey, what's the rush? C'mon, walk me a couple of blocks. TED Jim, I've got to go. I'm already late – O'CONNOR Listen, Ted... I just want to tell you, when old man Schmidt retires next year, I've got a pretty good feeling they'll kick me upstairs... He turns and starts to walk off down the street, Ted, of course, follows. O'CONNOR ...and when they do, I just want you to know I'm takin' you along with me. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT CLOSE ON JOANNA As she goes through her jewelry case, taking some things, leaving others. In the B.G. we SEE a framed photograph of Billy, smiling, looking into the camera. CUT TO: EXT. STREET – NIGHT ON TED AND O'CONNOR Tracking with them as they walk. O'CONNOR (feeling no pain) Y'know, Ted, I mean what I said back there. You did a hell of a job on this and I want you to know I'm turning the whole show over to you. TED (thrilled) Wow! O'CONNOR I mean it Ted, you're running this one. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT WIDE SHOT The suitcase is now full. Joanna zips it shut and looks around to make sure that she hasn't forgotten anything. Then, she hefts her suitcase and starts out of the room. CUT TO: INT. FOYER – NIGHT WIDE SHOT Joanna carries in the suitcase, sets it by the front door, then she crosses to the living room and sits down at the dining table. CLOSER IN ON HER She takes out a list made on the back of an old envelope. As she begins to review it, checking off some items: OFF SCREEN Sound: A key turning in the lock. As Joanna looks up... CUT TO: HER POV As the door swings open to reveal Ted Kramer, an enormous grin on his face, a bottle of champagne in his hand. He is so full of himself that he doesn't notice there is anything wrong. Note: Throughout the entire scene he carries the bottle of champagne, never putting it down. TED I thought you might just like to know that at five-fifteen this afternoon we were officially handed the Fire and Ice account by Revlon. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: JOANNA (she takes a deep breath, then:) Ted, I'm leaving you. TED That represents a gross billing in excess of two million – (hearing her) What?! Joanna opens her purse, takes out her keys and wallet. JOANNA Here are my keys. I won't be needing them any more. Note: Ted does not for a moment believe that his wife will really leave him. All he can think of right now is that he will have to spend the rest of the evening coping with one of her moods. TED (sardonic) I'm sorry I'm late, all right? I'm sorry I didn't call – I was busy making a living. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: Joanna doesn't even bother to look up at him. She opens her purse, takes out her wallet and begins removing credit cards. JOANNA My American Express... My Bloomingdale's Credit Card... My check book – TED (the martyr) Okay, okay... What is it this time? What did I do now?... JOANNA (ignoring this) I took two thousand out of the savings account. That was what I had in the bank when we got married. TED Joanna, whatever it is, believe me, I'm sorry. JOANNA Here are the slips for the laundry and the cleaning. They'll be ready on Saturday. TED (hard lining it) Now listen, before you do something you'll really regret you'd better stop and think - JOANNA (not bothering to look up) I've paid the rent, the Con-Ed and the phone bill, so you don't have to worry about them. She checks off the last item on her list as her husband watches, dumbfounded. JOANNA There, that's everything. Joanna gets to her feet and starts toward the front door. In an instant Ted is after her. TED (panic starting) For God's sake, Joanna, would you at least tell me what I did that's so terrible! Would you do me that little favor? ON JOANNA At the door. JOANNA Look, it's not your fault, okay? It's me. It's my fault – you just married the wrong person. TED (placating her) So we've got problems. Everybody's got problems – that's normal – Joanna opens the door and they step out into the hallway. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE KRAMER APT. – EVENING JOANNA Ted, you're not listening to me. It's over, finished. TED I'm listening, Joanna – believe me, I'm listening. My wife is walking out on me after eight years of – JOANNA (bitter) You just don't get it, do you? (as though to a child) I – am – really – and – truly – leaving – you. TED I heard you, Joanna. I promise I heard you. JOANNA No you didn't. (quietly) You didn't even ask about Billy. TED (stiffening) What about Billy? JOANNA I'm not taking him with me. TED What? JOANNA (tears start) Ted, I can't... I tried... I really tried but... I just can't hack it anymore... TED C'mon, Joanna, you don't mean that. You're a terrific mother – JOANNA (from her gut) I am not! I'm a terrible mother! I'm an awful mother. I yell at him all the time. I have no patience. No... No. He's better off without me. (unable to look at Ted) Ted, I've got to go... I've got to go. TED (desperate) Okay, I understand and I promise I won't try and stop you, but you can't just go... Look, come inside and talk... Just for a few minutes. JOANNA (pleading) NO!... Please... Please don't make me stay... I swear... If you do, sooner or later... maybe tomorrow, maybe next week... maybe a year from now... (looking directly at him) I'll go right out the window. Sound-effect: The elevator approaching. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: There is nothing more that can be done, this is the last moment of intimacy. TED (quiet) Where are you going? JOANNA I don't know... The elevator door opens, Joanna steps inside. TED Do you want me to help you get a cab? Joanna shakes her head. The elevator door closes behind her and it starts to descend. ON TED KRAMER He stands for a moment, stunned, unable to move. Then he turns and races back into the apartment. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he rushes across to one of the living room windows, throws it open and leans out. HIS POV Looking down to the street from the eighth floor. We SEE Joanna step off the curb and hail a passing taxi. TED (calling out) Joanna!?... Joanna?! Either she doesn't hear him or else she pays no attention. She gets into the cab, closes the door behind her and it drives away. CUT TO: INT. APT. – NIGHT ON TED As he stands for a moment watching the taxi as it disappears. Then, slowly, he closes the window, turns, and AS THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM, walks into the bedroom. The bedroom is a mess: the closet door stands open, inside Joanna's section is empty except for some shoe-boxes and a few dresses that are scattered across the floor. Several dresser drawers have been pulled out and their contents emptied. HOLD IN A WIDE SHOT as Ted wearily picks up one of the dresses and hangs it back on its hanger in its proper place, ready for Joanna's return. As he continues straightening up the room, THE CAMERA SLOWLY FADES TO BLACK. FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM – VERY LATE AT NIGHT WIDE SHOT Ted Kramer paces back and forth, eyeing the phone. Then, coming to a decision, he crosses to it, picks up the receiver and starts to dial. CUT TO: EXT. APT. BLDG. – LATE AT NIGHT WIDE SHOT The building is dark except for the Kramer apartment which is ablaze with lights. HOLD as we HEAR: Sound: The phone ringing. Then: WOMAN'S VOICE (obviously asleep) Huh... Hello? TED (righteous) All right, Thelma... That's it. I've had it. You can call your good friend Joanna Kramer and tell her enough is enough, okay? I mean, I don't know what I did, but you can tell her she's made her point. WOMAN'S VOICE Ted, what are you talking about?! TED Don't play innocent with me, Thelma. You know perfectly well what's going on. WOMAN'S VOICE (exasperated) Ted, I don't understand a word you're saying. Where's Joanna? TED Ha! You tell me. Sound-effect, as Ted slams down the receiver. Instantly a light is turned on two floors below. CUT TO: INT. FOYER – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT ON THE FRONT DOOR As we HEAR: Sound-effect: the doorbell rings. A moment later Ted opens the door and THELMA PHILLIPS enters. She is a neighbor (Apt. 6-B) and Joanna Kramer's best friend. About four months ago Thelma and her husband Charley were divorced. Until then the two families had been very close, the Kramer's son (Billy) being about the same age as the Phillips' daughter (Kim). With the divorce, however, the Kramers tried to remain friends with both Thelma and Charley and that has caused a certain amount of friction. Thelma is an attractive woman in her mid-thirties. She dresses well, works out religiously at Jack LaLanne's and goes to a therapist twice a week. She is also given to acting the lay analyst with her friends. Thelma is generous with her advice, sharing the wealth so to speak. With all of this she is kind, loyal and a loving friend. At the moment, however, she is all business. THELMA (looking around, suspiciously) All right. What's going on? ON TED From his attitude it is clear that there is no love lost between them. TED All right, Thelma, you want to know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'll tell you exactly what's going on. THELMA Look, Ted, all I – TED (starting to really roll) I came home tonight. We just got the Fire and Ice account at the agency. Do you know what that means?! Do you understand what that means? It means that it was maybe one of the five best days in my whole life. THELMA Ted, all I wanted to know was where – TED (not letting her get a word in edgewise) I walk in the house and before I can say "How are you?", "Did you have a nice day?" before I can say anything. Pow she's out the door. THELMA OhmyGod. Didn't she say anything? She must've said something. TED (sarcastic) Yeah, she said it wasn't any use talking anymore. THELMA Ted, don't be so hostile. Ted draws himself upright with the dignity of the Ambassador to the Court of St. James. However, during the following, he begins pounding the pillows on the couch into shape with real vehemence. TED Hostile? (pow) Me? (whack) Thelma, I'm not hostile. (thud) I am anything but hostile. (sock) But if you want to know what I am. I'll tell you what I am. What I am is, I am hurt. I am very hurt. And I just want to know one thing, okay? Just one thing... Why? That's all I want to know... Why? THELMA (how to say this) Ted, Joanna and I used to talk a lot and... well, she told me a lot of... ah, things about the two of you. TED (instantly nervous) Things? What kind of things? THELMA (clearly she knows more than she's willing to say) I mean... things. Ted, Joanna's very unhappy and – TED (flash of anger) Listen, Joanna Kramer's got a goddamn good life. She's got a husband that loves her. She's got a terrific kid. She's got a wonderful home – THELMA (getting mad herself) What d'you know about how Joanna felt? You went off to an office every morning and you'd come dragging home at seven or eight every night and as long as dinner was on the table you thought everything was swell. TED Did it ever occur to you guys that Joanna Kramer's not the easiest person in the world to live with?! Did it?! For one thing she's always thirty minutes late. You can set your watch by it – THELMA (exasperated) So she's late. What's the big deal. That's just a way of saying, "Pay attention to me." TED (not listening) Two. She is getting to be a real hermit or recluse or whatever it is you call it. Thelma, do you know where I could be in this business if I had a wife that entertained or went out socially – THELMA Oh for shit's sake, Ted, you are the most selfish human being I have ever met. No wonder she said you came first, then Billy, then, if there was anything left over, she got the scraps. TED Joanna said that? Thelma nods. TED Then how come she never said anything like that to me? THELMA Maybe she didn't feel like she should have to. Maybe she felt like if you'd been paying any real attention to her to start with, maybe you would've noticed. TED (stung) Boy, you guys are really something, y'know? I'd like to know one thing, okay – just one little thing. Did you tell Joanna she should leave me? THELMA (stiffly) No. She turns and starts toward the front door, Ted at her heel. TED Y'know something Thelma – you are the typhoid Mary of divorce. I mean it. Joanna and I never had any trouble until you and Charley split up. THELMA Ted, divorce is a terrible thing. I know, I went through it. You've got to believe I did everything I could to get Joanna to stay. (pause) But I'll tell you something. You may not want to hear it, but it took a lot of courage for Joanna to do what she just did. TED I'd like to know what the hell kind of courage it takes to walk out on your husband and your child? CLOSE ON THELMA That stops her dead in her tracks. She had always assumed that Joanna took Billy with her when she left. THELMA Joanna left Billy? She didn't take him with her? Ted shakes his head. There is a long beat of silence. THELMA (stunned, quiet) Oh Shit. CUT TO: FADE IN: EXT. KRAMER APT. BLDG. – EARLY MORNING WIDE SHOT It is a beautiful sunny morning and the super stands in front of the building hosing down the sidewalk. HOLD as a garbage truck enters FRAME and the garbage men begin loading sacks of trash into the back of the truck. As it begins to grind up the garbage with an ungodly sound, THE CAMERA PANS UP TO THE EIGHTH FLOOR WINDOWS. CUT TO: INT. BILLY KRAMER'S BEDROOM – EARLY MORNING MEDIUM SHOT Billy Kramer lies in his bed, fast asleep. HOLD FOR A BEAT as we HEAR: OFF SCREEN Sound: From the street below, the garbage truck grinding up garbage. A moment later, Billy opens his eyes, struggles to his feet and, AS THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM, trudges sleepily out of his room, across the hall and into the bathroom. INT. BATHROOM – EARLY MORNING As the child stands in front of the toilet, eyes closed, we HEAR: OFF SCREEN Sound-effect: as the child pees noisily. Then, when he is finished, he turns and, without bothering to flush the toilet, shuffles down the hall and into his parents' bedroom. HIS POV The bed is empty, there is no sign that anyone has slept in it. ON BILLY A look of suspicion on his face, he turns and starts back down the hall toward the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM – EARLY MORNING As Billy enters, looks around. HIS POV Ted Kramer, still fully dressed, looking like the wrath of God is asleep in the chair. ON BILLY As he marches across to his father. BILLY Where's mommy? ON TED His eyes open, he looks around startled. TED Huh?... Oh God... What time is it? CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: BILLY (suspicious) The little hand is on the six and the big hand is on the nine. Where is mommy? TED (trying to pull himself together) Oh, Christ... Ah, yeah... you want to know why mom's not here, right? Billy nods. TED (bullshit) Okay, I'm going to tell you... It's like this. Mommy and daddy had a little argument and mommy decided she wanted to go off by herself for a little while. You know how sometimes you get mad and want to go off and be by yourself? Well, it's like that, okay? Okay. (subject closed) Now how about some breakfast? Ted struggles to his feet and THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH THEM as they start toward the kitchen. BILLY When is mommy coming back? TED (lying) Soon. Very soon. By now they are inside the kitchen, Ted looks around. HIS POV There, on the kitchen cabinet is a box of "natural grain" cereal, a jar of honey, some wheat germ, and a banana, with carefully written instructions from Joanna underneath. ON TED He takes one look at the note, crumples it up and tosses it in the wastebasket. TED (the camp counselor) I'll tell you what, kiddo – why don't I fix us some French toast? BILLY (impressed) Wow! French toast, really? TED (the camp counselor) Sure. Didn't I ever tell you French toast was my specialty? I'll bet I never told you that. Now then, the first thing we need is... (trying desperately to remember) ...eggs! Right? Billy nods. Ted opens the refrigerator and takes some eggs. TED This is terrific... isn't this terrific? As Ted begins the process of making French toast, it soon becomes obvious that he has no idea of what he is doing. What follows is a symphony in incompetence on Ted's part. He breaks the eggs into a bowl and ends up with most of the shell mixed up with the egg. Then he takes a piece of bread and drops it into bowl. TED (saying it will make it so) I'm having a good time... Are you having a good time? ON BILLY Watching all of this with increasing apprehension. BILLY You forgot the milk. TED (still the camp counselor) That's right. You're absolutely right... It's been a long time since I made French toast. Ted takes a container of milk, pours it into the bowl so that it is filled to the brim. Then he sloshes the bread around until it is half-dissolved. TED Look at this, isn't this something?! He lops off a huge hunk of butter, drops it into an omelet pan and turns up the flame. ON BILLY Watching. He looks as though he is about to throw up. BILLY What about my orange juice? TED (the counterman) Right. One O.J. coming up. He opens the refrigerator and starts to get the orange juice. As he does, black smoke begins to billow ominously from the frying pan. BILLY (scared) Daddy!!! Ted turns, spots the smoke. TED Don't worry... Everything's fine... He lunges for the handle of the frying pan, which by now is very hot. He grabs it, lets out a howl of pain and the whole mess, frying pan, butter, bread, goes crashing to the floor. CLOSE ON TED Suddenly all the rage comes pouring out. TED Goddam! Son of a bitch! REACTION – BILLY Terrified. WIDE SHOT As Ted kneels down and begins to clean up the mess. TED (to himself as much as to Billy) It's okay. It's gonna be okay... Everything's going to be all right. CUT TO: EXT. STREET – DAY ON A BUS As it pulls to a stop. The doors open and a stream of mothers and children get off. Among them we spot Ted Kramer with Billy. As they start across the street, Ted reaches down and takes hold of Billy's hand. The moment they get to the far side, Billy takes his hand away from Ted's and wipes it on his pants. Clearly Ted's hands are very sweaty. CLOSER IN ON THEM As they start down the block toward Billy's school. CLOSER IN ON THEM BILLY When is mommy coming back? TED Soon. I told you before, very soon. BILLY (nervous) Will she pick me up after school? TED No. If I'm not here, you go home with Thelma and Kim. BILLY What if she forgets? TED (weary) I'll call Thelma and remind her, okay? Don't worry. They walk in silence for a few steps, then: BILLY But what happens if she's on her way to school and she gets runned over by a truck and killed? What happens them? Ted looks at Billy in amazement. WIDE SHOT As the two of them enter the school and disappear from view. CUT TO: INT. OFFICE, TED'S AGENCY – DAY ON THE ELEVATOR DOORS As they open and Ted steps out looking like the wrath of God. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he crosses the waiting room toward the inner offices. ON THE RECEPTIONIST Glancing up as he passes. RECEPTIONIST (cheerful) Congratulations, Mr. Kramer. ON TED Looking at her like she has lost her mind. Nevertheless he continues on, passing through swinging doors into a long corridor lined with secretaries' desks and offices leading off of it. Suddenly a younger man rushes up, grabs Ted's hand and starts to pump it vigorously. YOUNG MAN Terrific news, Ted. Another nut. Ted smiles at the man, humoring him and continues toward his office. O'Connor appears, throwing his arm around Ted, squeezing him in a bear hug. O'CONNOR Hey... Look who was out celebrating last night. Suddenly Ted realizes that all these people are congratulating him for getting the Fire and Ice account. TED (trying to appear nonchalant) Uh, Jim... Can I talk to you? CUT TO: INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE – DAY Ted and O'Connor sitting across from one another. O'Connor has just heard the news. O'CONNOR Jesus Christ. That's a real blockbuster. (shakes his head) I always figured you guys had it made. TED (morose) You want to know the real kicker? The real kicker is, for the first time in my life – the first time – I feel like a loser. O'Connor nods sympathetically. Actually he is praying that Ted won't start to cry. O'CONNOR (stiff upper lip) Listen, don't let it get you down. (doesn't believe it for a second) You're going to be fine. TED (toujour gai) Me? I've never been better. I mean having my wife walk out on me after seven years of marriage agrees with me just fine. O'CONNOR Look, Ted, I'm the oldest whore on the beat, okay? Three marriages, two divorces... You're gonna be okay. TED (wishful thinking) I'm going to be okay. The way I see it, Joanna'll come home, it's just a matter of time. O'CONNOR (emphatically) She'll be back... Ted nods in agreement. There is a beat of silence as both men consider Joanna's imminent return. Then: O'CONNOR (trying to be tactful) But... just in case... I mean, just on the off chance she doesn't. What are you going to do about the kid? TED (the wind goes out of him) I don't know, Jim. This whole thing has happened so... Pow – like that. O'CONNOR (a friend having to say something very difficult) Look, it's none of my business, so you can tell me to butt out, okay? But if you want my advice, you'll send Billy away to stay with relatives for a while. Just until you get yourself straightened out. TED (doubtfully) I don't know, Jim... O'CONNOR (the Dutch uncle) Ted, this may sound a little rough, but we've just landed the biggest account in the history of this agency, right? And now it's up to us – that's you and me – to deliver the goods. Ted, you're my main man, and if I can't depend on you a hundred and ten percent, twenty-four hours a day, because you're worried about a kid with a runny nose – TED Jim, I appreciate what you're saying. I mean it, but I really think Joanna's coming back. ON O'CONNOR Clearly he doesn't believe this. O'CONNOR I hope you're right, Ted... I really hope you're right. CUT TO: INT. FOYER – KRAMER APT. – DAY INSERT: TIGHT ON AN ENVELOPE It is postmarked Denver, Colorado. The letter is addressed to Billy Kramer and it is from Joanna. ON TED As he rips open the letter. TED Billy! ON BILLY He sits in the living room watching television, a chocolate doughnut in one hand and a remote control device for watching television in the other. Off-screen Sound: a Saturday morning kiddie program from the television set. BILLY (focused on T.V.) Uh, huh... TED You got a letter from mom. Instantly, Billy turns down the volume of the television. BILLY (excited) When is she coming home?! ON TED As he starts to read, slowly, carefully, so that Billy can absorb it. TED "My dear, sweet Billy: Mommy has gone away. Sometimes in the world daddies go away and mommies bring up their little boys. But sometimes a mommy can go away too, and you have your daddy to bring you up." As Ted continues to read, Billy starts turning up the sound on the television, using the remote control device. TED (raising his voice so he can be heard) "I have gone away because I must find some interesting things to do for myself in the world. Everybody has to, and so do I. Being your mommy was one thing, but there are other things and this is what I have to do. I did not get a chance to tell you this, and that is why I am writing you now." By now the volume from the television is so loud that Ted has to shout to make himself heard over it. TED "I will always be your mommy and I will always love you. I just won't be your mommy in the house. But I will be your mommy of the heart. And I... " (he looks up, about to tell the child to lower the volume) Billy. HIS POV Billy sits, watching television with an almost ferocious intensity on his face, doing his best to block out Ted's voice. ON TED He watches his son for a second, then carefully refolds the letter, puts it away. TED (as he reaches across, turns down the sound on the T.V.) It's okay... It's okay. We'll talk about it some other time. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN – KRAMER APT. – LATER THAT DAY CLOSE ON THELMA Reading Joanna's letter. THELMA Oh, God... OhmyGod... She finishes the letter, looks up at Ted. THELMA What are you going to do? TED I don't know, Thel... This whole thing has happened so... Pow, like that. THELMA I mean, what are you going to do about Billy? TED (stiff) I'm gonna keep him, why? THELMA Look, this is nothing personal, but I don't think you can do it. TED Thelma, I've lost my wife, I'm not losing my child. THELMA (backing off) All right... Okay... But let's get something straight, right now. I mean, I'm sorry about what happened between you and Joanna, but it's not my problem, understand? REVERSE ON TED He nods. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: THELMA I'm not going to have you calling every fifteen minutes just because you can't find a hot water bottle, understand? Ted nods. THELMA I've got enough trouble raising my own kid. I don't need another one. Got it? TED Got it. THELMA You're on your own, understand? TED I understand. THELMA You're sure? TED I'm sure. ON THELMA A long pause, she looks at him with all the warmth of a top sergeant facing a raw recruit. Then: THELMA All right. Who's Billy's pediatrician? ON TED He hasn't the foggiest idea. THELMA (machine-gun delivery) Ed Davies. 230 East 76th Street. 472- 8227. Fifty bucks a house call, thirty for an office visit. Write this down: I'm not telling you twice. What's the nearest hospital? ON TED As he grabs a piece of paper and starts writing frantically. TED Wait a minute! Wait a minute! THELMA (not waiting) Lenox Hill. 77th Street between Park and Lex. The emergency number is 327- 0800. TED Slow down... Slow down... CUT TO: INT. TED'S BEDROOM – DAY WIDE SHOT Ted stands in the middle of the room, sorting out a huge pile of dirty clothes. Thelma sits on the edge of the bed, watching. THELMA Colors in one pile, white things in another and shirts in a third. In the BACKGROUND we SEE the bathroom door as it opens and Billy Kramer steps out, freshly bathed and wearing clean clothes. THELMA (without looking around) Brush the teeth. Hang up the towel and flush the toilet. Billy immediately turns on his heels and heads back into the bathroom. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM – KRAMER APT. – DAY CLOSE ON A SILVER CIGARETTE BOX That is inscribed, "Ted and Joanna Kramer, Married April 4, 1970." HOLD FOR A BEAT then Ted's hand reaches into FRAME and picks it up. MEDIUM SHOT TED As he takes the cigarette box and balances it on a stack of scrap books, photographs, ash trays, etc., etc., that he is carrying. He crosses to another table, picks up a framed photograph of Joanna and Billy and piles that on top of everything. We realize that Ted is going through the apartment from top to bottom and methodically cleaning out every trace of Joanna that he can find. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT WIDE SHOT As Ted goes through the room, picking up Billy's clothes which have been strewn every which way. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he carries them into Billy's room. INT. BILLY'S ROOM – NIGHT Billy is fast asleep, the only light coming from the night lamp on the dresser. Ted dumps the soiled clothing in a hamper, hangs up Billy's jacket, then he neatly folds the boy's sweater and crosses to the dresser. CLOSER IN ON THE DRESSER As Ted opens a drawer and starts to put the sweater away. Suddenly he spots something. CUT TO: HIS POV There, in the drawer, sitting on top of a pile of clothing is one of the photographs of Joanna that Ted put away this afternoon. Billy has retrieved it and hidden it here, hoping that Ted wouldn't find it. CLOSE ON TED As he takes a long look at the photograph, then turns to his son. HIS POV Billy asleep, tangled up in the covers. ON TED He removes the photograph from the drawer, crosses to the bed and places it on the nightstand nearby so that Billy will be able to see the picture of Joanna when he wakes up in the morning. He sits for a moment longer on the side of the bed and reaches across and smooths down his son's rumpled hair. FADE TO BLACK: INT. TED'S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON ON TED Clearly in a rush, loading his briefcase with work to do that evening. He starts for the door and THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM as he walks along the outer office corridor, heading for the elevator. As he passes the door to O'Connor's office: TED (calling out) 'Night, Jim. O'CONNOR (O.S.) (calling out) Hey, Ted. C'mon in. I wanna' talk to you. Reluctantly Ted stops, turns around and walks back to the door to O'Connor's office. CUT TO: INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON O'Connor sits back in his chair, his feet propped on the desk a drink in one hand. O'CONNOR (jovial) What's the big rush. C'mon in, put your feet up, have a drink. REVERSE ON TED Hanging in the doorway, clearly anxious to leave. TED Can't do it tonight. Gotta pick up Billy. I'm late. O'CONNOR (paying no attention to that) Listen, I heard a terrific joke today. There's this Polish skydiver – TED (urgent) Sorry, Jim I've got to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow. And before O'Connor can say anything he is gone. REVERSE ON O'CONNOR Obviously displeased. He sits for a moment, drumming his fingers on the desk top, then reaches for the phone and starts to dial. A moment later: O'CONNOR Murray? Jim O'Connor, why don't you drop by and have a drink... CUT TO: EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – LATE AFTERNOON WIDE SHOT As Ted emerges from the building, starts to hail a cab. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT HOUSE, EAST EIGHTIES – LATE AFTERNOON WIDE SHOT As the cab pulls to a stop. Ted leaps out and rushes inside. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY – APARTMENT BLDG. – LATE AFTERNOON The elevator doors open and Ted steps out. THE CAMERA PANS WITH HIM as he crosses to the doorway of an apartment, rings the bell. CLOSER IN As the door is opened by a pleasant-looking woman in her thirties. This is MRS. KLINE. She has the slightly haggard look of someone who has just survived a birthday party with eight five-year-olds. In fact, behind her we SEE an abundance of crepe paper and balloons. TED (apologetic) Mrs. Kline, I'm sorry I'm late, but – MRS. KLINE That's all right, but I'm afraid Billy was a little nervous... (she glances off screen) THEIR POV Billy, his coat on, his goody bag in his lap sits alone on a bench in the foyer. The moment he sees his father, he gets up and starts for the door. BILLY (to Ted, accusingly) You're late. TED I'm sorry, pal, but I had a meeting and – BILLY (to Mrs. Kline anxious to get away) Goodbye. MRS. KLINE Goodbye, Bill. Thank you for coming. (calling out to her son in the next room) Mark. Say goodbye to Bill. MARK (O.S.) (preoccupied) Bye. BILLY Bye. And he hustles his father out into the hallway. Once door is shut behind them: BILLY (sullen) I was waiting a long time. By now they have crossed to the elevator. Ted rings the bell. TED (this ain't exactly the greeting he's expected) It wasn't so long, I'm only... (checking his watch) ...twenty minutes late. The elevator doors open. BILLY All the other mothers got here a long time ago... And the doors close, blocking them from view. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT WIDE SHOT Ted and Billy sit at the dining table, a large pizza between them. Ted is working hard, trying to establish some kind of rapport with his son. Billy is silent, he picks at the slice of pizza in front of him. TED (more of the camp counselor) How was school today? BILLY Okay... Same as usual... TED Billy, don't eat with your fingers. BILLY (morose) Sorry. There is a long beat of silence. TED (like pulling teeth) Well, I see the Yankees finally won a game. BILLY Mom, I mean dad? TED Yeah? BILLY Can I be excused? I'm not hungry. I think I'll go to bed. TED Sure. Too much birthday cake, right? BILLY (as he gets up from the table) I guess... WIDE SHOT As Billy shuffles off toward his room. Ted sits for a beat picking at the food on his plate. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH BILLY as he gets up from the table and walks into his room. HOLD IN THE DOORWAY as he takes off his shirt and pants and leaves them lying on the floor. The boy crosses to the closet, gets his pajamas and puts them on. REVERSE ON TED Standing in the doorway, watching. TED Goodnight. ON BILLY He starts to crawl into bed. BILLY (aloof) 'Night. ON TED THE CAMERA PANS WITH HIM as he crosses to where Billy dropped his clothes on the floor, picks them up. TED Listen, pal, I'm sorry, okay? Silence. TED I know how you feel. Silence. Ted crosses, sits on the edge of the bed. TED Look, I remember one time when. I was a couple of years younger than you are now and... I was staying with this cousin of mine and my parents were supposed to come and pick me up by three, but it got later and later and they didn't and they didn't show up and I remember I got really scared that something had happened to them and I remember when they finally came instead of being happy to see them I was very angry and... Billy, I promise I'll never do that to you again, okay?... Silence. TED Billy? Okay? CLOSEUP BILLY His face is turned to the wall. HOLD FOR A BEAT as we SEE him nod. INT. LIVING ROOM – TED KRAMER'S APT. – NIGHT Note: The following scene, which is written as one, is actually to be played so that each time we cut back to the woman who is being interviewed as housekeeper, it is a different woman: sometimes nervous and excited, sometimes large and lugubrious, with six shopping bags, sometimes looking like a headmistress at Dachau. They are uniformly (until the last) unappetizing. Throughout this, we SEE Ted becoming increasingly desperate. WOMAN (looking around nervous) It's very big... They didn't tell me it was this big. TED (apologetically) No... No, actually it's only two bedrooms. SECOND WOMAN (sniffing) Phew... This place is a real pig sty. TED (defensively) Look, my wife just walked out on me. Okay? It's been a tough week. THIRD WOMAN Don't tell me your troubles, mister. I got enough of my own. Note: With the FOURTH WOMAN we begin on a CLOSEUP and PULL BACK to REVEAL that we are in Ted's office and it is the middle of the afternoon. INT. TED KRAMER'S OFFICE – DAY FOURTH WOMAN The first thing is, I don't do floors. At that point the door behind her opens and O'Connor pokes his head in. O'CONNOR Ted. FOURTH WOMAN (ignoring him) Or windows. I come in at ten and I get Wednesdays off. O'CONNOR Ted. TED (brisk) I'll be with you in a minute, Jim. (back to the woman) You couldn't make that Saturday, could you? CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT ON THE FIFTH WOMAN (MRS. WILLEWSKA) She is a slightly built attractive woman in her early sixties. There is a long pause as she looks around. MRS. WILLEWSKA What kind of boy is your son? REACTION – TED This is the first person that ever asked about Billy. TED (taken aback) Well, he's... ah, he's a good kid. He's shy and... I think he's probably very creative and... MRS. WILLEWSKA Could I see him? TED Sure. He's right in here. As they start toward the child's room. CUT TO: INT. BILLY'S ROOM – NIGHT In the darkness we can SEE Billy, all scrunched up in the covers. HOLD FOR A BEAT as the door opens and the light from the hall falls across the sleeping boy. ON THE DOOR Ted and Mrs. Willewska stand silhouetted against the light. MRS. WILLEWSKA Oh... He's very beautiful. ON BILLY As he stirs, in his sleep. MRS. WILLEWSKA (O.S.) Mr. Kramer, you are a very lucky man. REACTION, TED This is the first time since Joanna left that this has occurred to him. TED Mrs. Willewska, could you start on Monday? CUT TO: INT. SUPERMARKET – DAY ON BILLY AND TED TRACKING JUST IN FRONT OF THEM as they wheel a shopping cart along the aisle. Ted has a shopping list in his hand. Ted stops, takes a box of detergent off of the shelf, starts to put it in the shopping cart, when: BILLY (worried) Mom, I mean dad... TED (his mind elsewhere) Uh huh... BILLY That's not the right soap. We use the kind in the green and yellow box. TED C'mon, there's not much difference – BILLY (firmly) We use the green and yellow. Ted looks at his son for a moment, then carefully replaces the detergent that he had originally picked and reaches for the green and yellow kind. They continue on for several steps and Ted stops again, this time looking for a dishwashing liquid. He starts to reach for one, stops, looks around at Billy. Billy shakes his head. Ted points to another. BILLY (shaking his head again) The pink stuff. Ted takes a bottle of the pink stuff, puts it in the shopping cart and consults his shopping list. TED Okay, what color cereal do we get? CUT TO: EXT. PLAYGROUND, CENTRAL PARK – DAY WIDE SHOT It is that same afternoon and Billy (his clothes are much dirtier by now) is running back and forth with a group of other children. MAN'S VOICE (O.S.) Walk him over to Bethesda Fountain and buy him an ice. ON TED He sits on one of the playground benches, the work he took from the office stacked beside him on the bench. Sitting next to him is a personable-looking man of about Ted's age. He is nattily dressed in a suit complete with vest, tie and polished Gucci loafers. We will call him THE SATURDAY FATHER. Note: The Saturday Father and his daughter (a pretty young girl of about ten) will appear from time to time throughout the film. He is a divorced father, putting in his time, not giving a shit about the child. The Saturday Father insists on treating Ted as though they were members of the same secret fraternity. And he comes to represent Ted's nightmare of what might happen to him. TED (looking in the direction of the voice) What? SATURDAY FATHER Walk him over to Bethesda Fountain, buy him an ice. It'll kill twenty minutes. TED I've got a lot more than twenty minutes to kill. SATURDAY FATHER Tough... (checking his watch) ...I get off duty at five-thirty. (bored, anxious to make conversation) How long you been divorced? TED (surprised) Three months. How can you tell? SATURDAY FATHER You've got that look. My lady and I split two years ago in August and I'm an old pro at this shit. First thing, stay away from the Children's Zoo. It's pure hell – if I never see another chicken, I'll be happy. (calling out to his daughter OFF SCREEN) I'm here, darling. Don't worry... CLOSER ON TED Finding this distinctly unpleasant. He glances around, looking for Billy. HIS POV The sprinkler area. Other children are running around, but there is no sign of Billy. TED (calling out) Billy? HIS POV Another area of the playground. Billy is nowhere in sight. WIDER ON TED As he grabs his stuff and starts toward the exit of the playground. TED (louder) Billy? HIS POV Looking in another direction. Nothing. WIDE ON TED Standing among a crowd of people just outside the entrance to the playground. He is looking around wildly. TED Billy?! HIS POV There in the distance is Billy Kramer, running as hard as he can away from Ted. ON TED TRACKING IN FRONT OF HIM as he starts to chase after Billy. HIS POV – TRACKING FORWARD It is clear that Billy is running with a purpose. TED (V.O.) Billy! Billy pays no attention to him. ON TED TRACKING IN FRONT OF HIM as he continues to chase his son. HIS POV – TRACKING FORWARD Closer now, we can SEE that ahead of Billy is a woman that, from behind, looks remarkably like Joanna. CLOSER ON TED As he realizes what is about to happen. CLOSER ON BILLY Catching up to the woman. BILLY Mommy! Mommy! A moment later he gets close enough to grab onto her skirt. As the woman turns around: CLOSEUP WOMAN Quite clearly it is not Joanna. CLOSEUP BILLY His face becomes impassive again. All the excitement vanishes. BILLY Oh. I thought you were my mommy. CLOSEUP TED His face reveals all of the pain that Billy's can't. CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM, NURSERY SCHOOL – DAY CLOSE ON A HOMEMADE CURTAIN As it opens and Billy Kramer, wearing an outsized moustache, a makeshift cape and a stovepipe hat made from construction paper. He stands for a moment, looking around, finally he spots someone, grins and begins waving. HIS POV Across the room eighteen to twenty mothers (Ted Kramer is the only man present) are gathered, sitting on tiny chairs and at work tables watching as their children put on a show. ON BILLY Suddenly he forgets his lines, looks around nervously. A moment later a very pretty young teacher leans over, whispers in his ear. TEACHER Ladies and gentlemen... BILLY Ladies and gentlemen... TEACHER Welcome to the greatest show on earth. BILLY Welcome to the... (he forgets again) REVERSE ON TED He leans forward mouthing the words as the teacher prompts Billy. TEACHER Greatest. BILLY Greatest... TEACHER Show. BILLY Show... TEACHER On earth. BILLY On earth. Ted breathes a sigh of relief, his son having gotten through it. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THE CHILDREN PUTTING ON THE SHOW AND TED KRAMER SITTING IN THE AUDIENCE WATCHING: A look of total pleasure on his face. From time to time when Billy does something particularly difficult, Ted nudges the woman next to him. Note: In all of the shots of Billy we SEE the teacher there guiding, helping, over and over and over we cannot help but notice how attractive she is. Toward the end of the show Ted's POV occasionally follows the teacher rather than the child. DISSOLVE TO: WIDE SHOT The show is over and the parents and children mill around eating popcorn, drinking lemonade from paper cups. Ted stands off to one side, talking to the teacher as Billy runs around. CLOSER IN ON THEM TEACHER Mr. Kramer, I just wanted to tell you what a wonderful boy your son is. TED (clearly attracted to her) I don't know... I've been worried... (glancing around, making sure Billy is out of earshot) I mean, with what he's been through and everything. I – TEACHER (solicitously) No... No... Billy is doing just fine. TED (giving himself a few points) Well, you know it's not easy raising a kid on your own and I thought if we could get together and, uh, discuss – At that moment one of the class mothers interrupts, reaches across Ted and takes hold of the teacher's hand. WOMAN (effusive) Barbara! Congratulations! When is the baby due? TEACHER (BARBARA) Oh, God. Not 'til August. CLOSE ON TED Inadvertently glancing at the teacher's stomach, nothing shows. ON THE TEACHER As she turns back to Ted. TEACHER Excuse me. You said you wanted to talk, Mr. Kramer. TED (embarrassed) Yes, but... ah, not now... (checking his watch) I've got an appointment... I forgot all about it... As Ted begins beating a hasty retreat, CUT TO: EXT. STREET – DAY ON TED TRACKING IN FRONT OF HIM as he walks down the street carrying a large and elaborate papier-mβchι art thing that Billy made in school. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN TED AND HIS POV: As he manages to notice every single pretty girl that passes, thread his way through the crowd and still balance Billy's enormous work of art. CUT TO: INT. AGENCY – DAY ON THE ELEVATOR DOORS As they open, Ted squeezes off and AS THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM, he crosses the waiting room and enters the offices proper. He pauses at his secretary's desk and deposits Billy's papier-mβchι thing. She jumps up from her desk, takes the papier-mβchι thing and her notebook in hand, and follows Ted as he walks down the corridor towards O'Connor's office. SECRETARY Mr. O'Connor called. There's a meeting with the Revlon people in the board room and you're fifteen minutes late. TED (in a rush) I know... I know. SECRETARY Mr. Schmidt can't have the figures on the television buy until Monday. TED No. Uh, uh. Tell him I asked for it Friday. I want it Friday. Period. SECRETARY Mr. Lombardo from packaging wants to meet on Friday. TED Fine. By now they have reached the board room. He enters without knocking, his secretary still in tow. SECRETARY And Mrs. Kelsey called to ask if Billy can come to Stephanie's birthday party on Tuesday. CUT TO: INT. BOARD ROOM – DAY The room is filled with executives in three piece suits and O'Connor who is doing a lot of backing and filling. TED (as he enters) Yes. Remind me to pick up a "Crying Chrissie" doll at lunch on Tuesday. ON O'CONNOR Clearly he is very irritated at this. O'CONNOR (sardonic) If it's all right with you, Mother Kramer, can we get down to work now? CUT TO: INT. PHYLLIS BERNARD'S OFFICE – DAY It is a real mess, legal files and law books scattered everywhere. In the midst of all this chaos sits PHYLLIS BERNARD, as we said before, she is about thirty, very pretty in spite of her glasses. ON PHYLLIS She looks up as Ted enters. It is clear from their attitude that they have known one another for a long time and are very relaxed together. PHYLLIS Hello, Kramer. ON TED He drops into a chair and shoves a stack of papers across the desk to her. TED Hiya, Phyllis. These are the Revlon contracts. I thought you ought to check them out. PHYLLIS Sure. She takes the papers and starts to rifle through them, stopping every so often and making a note in the margin. As she does, we notice that the second and third buttons of her blouse have come undone and that she is not wearing a bra. CLOSER ON TED As he realizes this. ON PHYLLIS She glances up to ask Ted a question about some point or other, notices the direction of his gaze and, unself- consciously buttons up her blouse. She goes back to her papers as Ted continues to watch her. ON PHYLLIS Not looking up from her papers. PHYLLIS Yes. TED (baffled) Yes, what? PHYLLIS (looks up, serious) Yes, I'll have dinner with you. CUT TO: INT. TED KRAMER'S BEDROOM – LATE AT NIGHT ON THE BED Although the room is dimly lit, we can SEE quite clearly that Ted and Phyllis are in bed together. They have finished making love and Ted lies back, half asleep. Phyllis reaches across to the nightstand, puts on her glasses and checks her watch. PHYLLIS Kramer, I've got to go. I've got an eight o'clock closing tomorrow down on Centre Street. TED (half asleep) Mmmmnph... I'll get you a cab... But he makes no move to get up. Phyllis gets to her feet and in the dim light we can SEE that, except for her glasses, she is naked. PHYLLIS (as she crosses the hall on the way to the bathroom) That's okay. It's just that I've got these clients that are – CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT There is Billy Kramer, standing by the toilet, buttoning his pajamas. He looks up at Phyllis. HIS POV There stands Phyllis, naked as the day she was born, a look of stunned amazement on her face. PHYLLIS (softly to herself) Oh, God. Too startled to cover herself. ON BILLY He looks her up and down, then: BILLY (very serious) Do you like fried chicken? ON PHYLLIS Suddenly remembering to cover herself. PHYLLIS (hoping desperately it is the right answer) Ah... Yes. SHOT – PHYLLIS AND BILLY BILLY So do I... And he shuffles off to bed. Phyllis waits, frozen until he disappears into his room. Then, she turns and flees back into the bedroom. CUT TO: INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT ON PHYLLIS As she bursts into the room, closes the door behind her, leans against it. PHYLLIS (eyes wide) I just met your son. ON TED Who has leapt out of bed and is scrambling into his pants. TED Like that?! Phyllis nods. TED And? PHYLLIS He wanted to know if I liked fried chicken. TED Do you? Phyllis nods rather frantically. TED (grinning) So what's your problem? CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN – KRAMER APT. – EVENING ON TED AND THELMA Stand side by side. He is cutting, chopping, making some kind of stew. Thelma stands nearby watching, sipping a glass of white wine. FROM OFF SCREEN we can hear Billy and Kim running around, playing. TED You ever think about getting married again? THELMA No, not really... (she thinks for a moment, then:) I guess it's different if you don't have children, but... I dunno, even if Charley and I don't live together, even if we're sleeping with other people, even if Charley was to marry again... He'd still be my husband. That stuff about "Till death do you part?" That's really true. TED (nodding toward a cookbook that is propped open nearby) How many onions does it say to use? THELMA (without bothering to look in the book) Three. And add some basil. TED (as he does) D'you think you and Charley'll ever get back together again? THELMA No. I don't think so. TED C'mon, Thel. So Charley had a little fling. So what? All in all he was a pretty good husband. THELMA Look, I know this isn't gonna make any sense, okay? I mean forget the logic part... But I keep thinking if Charley really loved me, he wouldn't have let me divorce him. CUT TO: EXT. CENTRAL PARK – DAY WIDE SHOT The Saturday Father and his daughter, clearly with nothing to say to one another, stand eating ices from a nearby vendor. THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM THEM across to Billy, Ted and Phyllis. She is dressed in a very nice suit, silk blouse, high heeled shoes and looks distinctly out of place in Central Park on a Saturday afternoon. At the moment, Ted is trying to teach Billy how to bat. TED Now look, you hold it like this... (he places Billy's hands on the bat just so) ...and you swing like this... (taking him through the motions) ON PHYLLIS Watching. She can't believe what she's seeing. Finally, she can't stand it any longer. PHYLLIS (impatient) No, no, no, Kramer. That's not how you do it. Look... She crosses to Billy, gently takes the bat from him and demonstrates. PHYLLIS ...you hold it like this... (showing him her grip) Farther down the bat. And you swing like this... (to Ted) Throw me one. ON TED As he gives Billy a look that says, we have to humor her. He throws a ball. ON PHYLLIS As she swings, connects and slams a ball in a long, looping fly that goes at least two hundred feet. ON TED Watching the ball disappear in the distance, he turns back to Phyllis, open-mouthed. CLOSE ON PHYLLIS Embarrassed, she grins, shrugs and hands the bat back to Billy. CUT TO: INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE – DAY WIDE SHOT O'Connor, Murray and the Art Director are in O'Connor's office as the door opens and Ted enters, carrying a pile of papers, charts, graphs, etc., etc. TED Okay, Jim. Here's the report on... He stops in mid-sentence, looks around. HIS POV On the walls are a series of mock-ups of the various Fire and Ice ads, none of which are what Ted and O'Connor had agreed upon. TED (surprised) What the hell is this? O'CONNOR (innocent) Murray had some ideas about the Fire and Ice campaign and he had the art department make up a few roughs... (weakly) I think they're kind of interesting. TED (bugged) I don't. Jim, this isn't anything like what we talked about. It's not even close. MURRAY (oily) Ted, basically it's still your concept. O'CONNOR (chiming in) Murray just added a few things, that's all. TED Now hold it right there, I'm the one that went in and sold Revlon on this idea to start with, remember? You said I was going to be – Sound-effect: The phone rings. O'Connor picks it up. ON TED O'CONNOR Yeah? He listens for a moment, then hands the phone to Ted. O'CONNOR It's for you. ON TED As he takes the receiver. TED (puzzled) Yes? Then, embarrassed, he turns his back and lowers his voice. TED Look, Billy, I told you before, one hour of T.V. a day, that's the rule... No... (clearly, Billy is giving him an argument) I don't care what the other mothers do... Listen, I can't talk now, I'm in a meeting... (firm) Billy, I'll talk to you later, good- bye. Note: During the phone call, the CAMERA PANS AWAY to Murray & O'connor, looks of bored Condescension and smug superiority on their faces. Ted hangs up the phone and turns back around. MURRAY (smooth) Ted, I appreciate what you're saying, but I really think you're just too close to it right now. O'CONNOR (quickly) Murray's right. (reassuring) Look it's just some ideas, okay? I mean nothing's locked in cement. I promise you this is your show... ON TED Not very reassured. O'CONNOR Trust me on this one, Ted... CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT Ted is sitting at the dining room table, working. Spread out all across the table are layouts, rate sheets, etc., etc. Billy sits across from him drawing on a pad with felt-tipped pens. HOLD FOR A BEAT, then: BILLY (worried about something) Mom, I mean dad... TED (busy) In a minute... beat of silence then: BILLY What do you do when an elephant sits on your fence? Silence. BILLY You get a new fence. TED (he hasn't heard a word) C'mon, Billy. I'm trying to work for God's sake... Another beat of silence, then Billy reaches for his glass of Hawaiian Punch and accidentally tips it over, spilling purple liquid across all of Ted's papers. Instantly, Ted is on his feet, yelling. TED Goddamnit, can't you watch what you're doing! CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: BILLY (quiet) I'm sorry. TED Je-sus Christ! I catch all kind of shit at the office because I'm not pulling my weight because I'm busting my butt trying to be a decent goddamn father and – BILLY I'm sorry. TED (sardonic) That's terrific. That's really terrific, but I notice I'm the one that's cleaning up this – (noticing an important paper covered with grape juice) Oh, crap, I'll have to do this one over. BILLY (starting to help) I'm sorry. By now there is nothing the boy can do right. TED Look, it's after your bedtime, okay? Just do me a favor and go to bed, okay? Billy gets to his feet, collects his stuff and walks into his bedroom. HOLD ON TED who sits for a moment, then gets wearily to his feet and as THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM crosses to the door of Billy's room. He stops in the doorway, looks OFF SCREEN. HIS POV Billy struggling to get his pajamas on, having a hard time. CROSS-CUTTING BETWEEN THEM: TED Look, I'm sorry I yelled, okay? BILLY (quiet) That's okay. TED It's just... I've been catching a lot of flack at the office... BILLY That's okay... INT. OFFICE – DAY ON THE DOOR TO O'CONNOR'S OFFICE As it opens and Phyllis comes out. In the background in O'Connor's office we SEE O'Connor and Murray, talking, laughing. THE CAMERA TRACKS ALONGSIDE Phyllis as she walks to Ted Kramer's office and opens the door without knocking. PHYLLIS How about lunch, Kramer. I'm buying. CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT, MIDTOWN – DAY ON TED AND PHYLLIS As they sit across from one another. A waiter stands over them, setting drinks in front of them. WAITER Perrier and lime... (placing a drink in front of Phyllis) ...and scotch with soda. (putting Ted's drink in front of him) The waiter bustles away. TED Okay, Phyllis, what's up? PHYLLIS Kramer... She breaks off, uncertain whether or not to go on. Then, making up her mind, she reaches across, takes Ted's scotch and soda and drinks half of it down in one gulp. PHYLLIS (in a rush) O'Connor's out to get you. He's going to take the Fire and Ice account away from you. TED (stunned) What?!? Phyllis nods. TED (angry) I don't believe it! That's crazy! Why would Jim do something like that? Phyllis polishes off the rest of Ted's drink. PHYLLIS (angry herself) You want to know why? I'll tell you why... (signaling to the waiter) Another scotch and soda for the gentleman. (back to Ted) I'll tell you exactly why. Because you're not his buddy anymore. Because he can't count on you to sit around the office every night until eight or nine and shoot the shit with him. TED I can't. I've got Billy to take care of. PHYLLIS (exasperated) You dope. O'Connor doesn't give a damn about Billy. All he wants is somebody that'll hang around with him every night so he won't have to go home. TED (stiff) I don't believe you. The waiter sets Ted's drink on the table in front of him. He starts to reach for it, but Phyllis is quicker. PHYLLIS (taking a stiff drink) All right. Okay. But tell me something, Kramer. Who do you think is palling around with O'Connor these days? Ted shrugs. TED How should I know? PHYLLIS Murray. REACTION, TED Stunned, but trying to be nonchalant. TED So... what's so terrible about that? PHYLLIS (would like to take him by the shoulders and shake him until his teeth rattle) Oh, for God's sake, Kramer. You have got to be the world's most naive human being. (leaning forward) Murray has gone in and changed every single ad you've done on the entire Fire and Ice campaign. Every layout... Every idea... Every single thing, right down the line. TED No. No, I don't believe it. Jim O'Connor would never let anything like that happen. He gave me my shot in this business. If it wasn't for Jim O'Connor I'd be – I don't know where I'd be. He's a wonderful man... PHYLLIS (apologetic for having upset Ted) Kramer, I'm sorry. All I was trying to do was – TED (cutting her off) I don't want to hear another word against him. Not another word. He's a wonderful man... a wonderful man... CUT TO: INT. TED KRAMER'S OFFICE – DAY INSERT: The finished proof of the ad that Murray had done, that Ted had seen in O'Connor's office. ON TED TRACKING WITH HIM as he steams out of his door and marches along the corridor to O'Connor's office. SECRETARY (as Ted brushes past her) I'm sorry, Mr. O'Connor is in conference. But it is too late. Ted barrels into O'Connor's office without bothering to knock. CUT TO: INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE – DAY O'Connor is alone in the office. He looks up startled as Ted comes barging in. TED (furious) All right, Jim. You said I was running this show, right? You said no decisions without my approval, right? (brandishing the ad) Well what the hell is this? What's going on, Jim? O'CONNOR (embarrassed) Well, ah... I thought it over and I decided we're doing it Murray's way. TED Jim, this is garbage. This isn't anything like what we talked to Revlon about. None of it. You can't – O'CONNOR (tough) That's my decision, Ted and that's final. CUT TO: INT. DINING AREA – KRAMER APT. – NIGHT ON BILLY Who sits looking down at the plate of food in front of him as though it was a coiled rattlesnake about to strike. BILLY What is it? ON TED Preoccupied, jumpy. He is eating, but he doesn't taste a thing. TED Salisbury steak. BILLY I hate it. TED You don't hate it. We had Salisbury steak last week and you liked it fine. BILLY (stubborn) No I didn't. I hate the brown stuff. It's gross. TED (strained patience) All it is is onions and gravy. BILLY I'm allergic to onions. TED You are not allergic of onions. You've had them lots of times. BILLY (sullen) I want a pizza. TED (trying not to lose patience) No. This is fine. Just take a bite, you'll like it fine. Reluctantly, Billy takes a tiny bite. He barely puts it in his mouth before he spits it out with a great show of being physically ill. BILLY I think I'm going to throw up. TED (getting pissed off) Oh, for God's sake... Here. He reaches across and scrapes most of the sauce off of the meat. TED There, okay? Now that's just plain old hamburger. BILLY Some of the brown stuff is still there. TED (through clenched teeth) Then eat around it. BILLY No. TED (anger building) Now listen to me, young man. Do you know what I had to go through to put this goddamn food on the goddamn table? BILLY (obstinate) I don't care. I hate it. I want pizza. TED (blowing up) Not on your life. That's it. I've had it with crap around this house. From now on, no more pizza! Get it? Starting right now you can eat real food like a normal human being! BILLY No! By now both of them are out of control. TED You want to know something?! You are a spoiled selfish little brat! Now eat – Billy takes his plate and looking his father straight in the eye deliberately overturns it, spilling food everywhere. ON TED He is out of his chair like a shot, crosses to Billy and jerks him to his feet. TED (yelling) Goddamnit! Go to your room! He half-carries, half-drags the child kicking and screaming into his room. THE CAMERA TRACKS ALONGSIDE THEM. BILLY (at the top of his voice) Owwww... You're hurting me... You're hurting me... I hate you... I hate you... TED (seething) You're no bargain either, pal. BILLY I want my mommy... I want my mommy.. By now they have reached Billy's room. Ted dumps him on the bed unceremoniously and starts out of the room. BILLY (sobbing) I want my... mm... ommy... I want mmmy... mommy... TED (at the door) Tough shit. You're stuck with me. And he slams the door behind him. CUT TO: WIDE SHOT The dining area. Ted sits down and tries to resume his meal alone. BILLY (O.S.) (sobbing, fighting to catch his breath) I want my... mmmo... mmmy. I want mmmy mmo... mmy... CLOSER IN ON TED As he lifts his glass to take a drink and we can SEE that he is shaking like a leaf. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT ON TED As he finishes doing the last of the dishes, dries his hands and looks around to make sure that everything has been put away. He flips off the light and, as THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH HIM, he walks from room to room, turning off the lights, until he reaches the door to Billy's room which is still closed. Ted hesitates for a moment, then eases open the door and steps inside. CUT TO: INT. BILLY'S ROOM – NIGHT TED'S POV Billy lies sprawled across the bed, all tangled up in the covers. ON TED As he crosses to the sleeping child and starts to straighten the covers. BILLY (tentatively) Daddy? TED (all anger gone) Yeah? BILLY I'm sorry... TED (kisses him) That's okay, pal. Go back to sleep. It's very late. He starts to get up, when: BILLY Daddy? TED Uh huh? BILLY (very quiet) Are you... gonna go... away? ON TED Stunned at the question. TED Of course I'm not going away. I love you very much. I'll be right here. There is a beat of silence, then: BILLY (it comes pouring out) That's why mommy left... isn't it? 'Cause I was bad... The boy begins to weep. TED (he puts his arm around Billy and holds him close) Oh, Christ...