JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK Screenplay by Kevin Smith OVER BLACK WE SEE: CHYRON A long time ago, in front of a convenience store far, far away-- EXT. QUICK STOP YEARS AGO--DAY We FADE IN on the block of stores (Quick Stop/RST), from sometime ago, In fact, RST isn't RST; it's THE RECORD RACK -- a 45's store with head shop paraphernalia in the window. A white-trash MOTHER (maybe seventeen) wearing a baseball cap comes into frame carrying a chubby BABY. The Baby wears an oversized t-shirt under what looks like a little bathrobe, and messily eats a CHOCOLATE BAR. There are food stamps in the Mother's hands. MOTHER Bobby-Boy stay here while mommy picks up the free cheese, 'kay? She looks up at the bright sun, shielding her eyes slightly, then looks back at the baby on the ground. She takes off her baseball cap and places it on the baby. MOTHER This'll keep the sun out of your eyes. You be good now. She walks away, leaving the baby sitting against the wall. With the backwards baseball cap and the chocolate around his mouth forming something that resembles a beard, the kid looks kind of familiar. Then, another MOTHER (also very young) decked out in a KISS concert shirt from years gone by and huge, feathered hair enters, with a black skullcap wearing BABY slung at her hip. She sees the first Baby, sitting against the wall and sets her Baby down beside him. MOTHER Don't fucking move, you little shit- machine. Mommy's gonna try to score. A PASSERBY enters, heading toward the convenience store. He takes note of the Babies and the Mother heading into the record store, and then stops and addresses her, disgusted. PASSERBY Excuse me--who's watching these babies? MOTHER The fat one's watching the little one. PASSERBY Oh, nice parenting. (walking away) Leave'em out here like that and see what happens. The Passerby walks away. The Mother flips him the bird. MOTHER FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE! PASSERBY (waving her off) Ah, keep on truckin'. MOTHER (to baby) D'jou hear the crazy fuck tellin' me how to fuckin' raise you? Motherfucker, man! Who's he fucking think he is? What's the worse fuckin' thing could happen to you sitting outside the fuckin' stores? Fuck! The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat. Then, they look at each other. The larger one says nothing. The smaller one says-- BABY Fuck, fuck, fuck... DISSOLVE TO: THE PRESENT JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The Record Rack is now RST VIDEO. Jay is mid-chant. JAY (as a chant) --fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother- fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! A pair of TEENS approach them. TEEN 1 Lemme get a nickel bag. JAY Fifteen bucks, little man. Put the money in my hand. If the money does not show, then you owe-me-owe-me- owe. (changing up to Morris Day) My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh! I think I want to know ya', know ya'-- TEEN 1 (digging in pockets) What the hell are you singing? JAY You don't know "Jungle Love"? That shit is the mad notes. Written by God Herself and handed down to the world's greatest band--the motherfucking Time. TEEN 2 The guys in that Prince movie? TEEN 1 Purple Rain. TEEN 2 Man, that shit was so gay--fucking eighties style. Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against the wall. JAY Bitch, don't you NEVER say an unkind word about The Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and Tubby here's my black manservant! Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door behind him. RANDAL What'd I tell you two about dealing in front of the store? Drop the kid and peddle your wares someplace else, burn-boy. (walking away) And for the record, The Time sucked ass. He exits. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. After a beat-- JAY Yo-youse guys wanna hear something fucked up about him and the Quick Stop guy? INT. QUICK STOP-DAY Randal joins Dante behind the counter. Dante rings up a customer, a half-eaten submarine sandwich sitting on the counter. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a newspaper. RANDAL Hey, can't we do something about those two stoners hanging around outside all the time? DANTE Why? What'd they do now? RANDAL I'm trying to watch Clash of the Titans, and all I can hear is the two them screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. DANTE I thought the fat one didn't really talk much. RANDAL What, am I producing an A&E Biography about 'em? I'm just saying they shouldn't be loitering around the stores like they do. DANTE Neither should you, but we let you stay. RANDAL See, man--if you were funnier than that, ABC never would've canceled us. DANTE What? RANDAL Nothing. Enter Teen 1 and Teen 2, chuckling. TEEN 1 Two packs of Wraps. (beat) Yo--how was the service? RANDAL What service? TEEN 2 The one at the Unitarian church where you two got married to each other last week. RANDAL What the hell are you talking about? TEEN 1 Jay said you had a Star-Wars--themed wedding and you guys tied the knot dressed like storm troopers. TEEN 2 Yeah. And he said you're the bitch and you're the butch. Oh, sorry--the Leia and the Luke. DANTE I'm the bitch?! RANDAL Well if we were gay, that's how I'd see it. DANTE Would you shut up?! TEEN 1 (to TEEN 2) Holy shit, dude. The honeymoon's over. DANTE We're not married to each other. TEEN 1 Well, sure. Not in the eyes of the state or any real church, Skywalker. RANDAL (heading for the phone) That does it. I'm gonna do something about those two. I shoulda done a long time ago TEEN 2 In a galaxy far, far away! TEEN 1 (exiting) May the Foreskin be with you. Hand Jabba the Hutt. RANDAL (into phone) Yeah, I want to report a couple of drug dealers out in front of the Quick Stop. EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY Jay and Silent Bob are thrown against the wall outside by a COP, who frisks them. JAY What the Fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? COP We got a report that two guys were hanging around outside the stores, selling pot? JAY We don't smoke pot, yo. Teen 1 enters and hands Jay rolling papers. TEEN 1 Here're the rolling papers you wanted for your pot. And your change. Thanks. (getting in Jay's face) And The Time sucks ass! Teen 1 races off. Jay and Bob move to follow, but the Cop stops them, grabbing the rolling papers out of Jay's hand. He eyeballs the pair. COP No pot, hunh? What do you need this for? JAY What? I got a wiping problem. I stick these little pieces of paper over my brown-eye, and bam--no shit stains in my undies. (unbuttoning pants) You don't believe me? Lemme show you. Jay drops his pants and leans against the wall, looking back over his shoulder. JAY Just spread my cheeks a little and you can see the fucking stink nuggets-- COP Pull up your pants up sir, Now! Jay bends down to pull up his pants and FARTS. Silent Bob cracks up. The Cop grabs them both, leading them toward the car. COP Let's take a ride down to the station. JAY What? It's suddenly a crime to fart, motherfucker?! EXT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--DAY An ESTABLISHING SHOT of Brodie's store in the heart of Red Bank. BRODIE (O.S.) No fucking way! WE GO TIGHT on the huge, cartoon sign of BRODIE outside to-- INT. BRODIE BRUCE'S SECRET STASH COMIC BOOK STORE--LATER BRODIE himself, holding a stack of comics in one hand and a Dixie cup in the other, Jay and Silent Bob follow him as he puts new books in the racks. BRODIE Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order?! JAY Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the stores, we get thrown into County. BRODIE So you gonna abide by the court's ruling or you gonna go Bandit-- Reynolds style? JAY Fuck yeah! You know what they make you do in county? Toss the fucking salad! I don't like this fuck's asshole; I'm gonna do it for some stranger? BRODIE I guess if you really wanted to hang out in from of a convenience store, you could just buy your own now-- what with all that money you guys made. JAY Hell yeah, bitch. (beat) Wait a second--what money? BRODIE The money from the movie, dumb-ass. JAY What the fuck are you babbling about? BRODIE (pulling a bagged-and- boarded issue down from the wall) The Bluntman and Chronic movie. (dawns on him) Oh my God--don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for. JAY What?! Since when? BRODIE Goddamit, man-- (taps his wrist) Here's the pulse, alright. And here's your finger-- (shoves his hand down the back of his pants) --far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. (extracts hand and extends it to Jay) Say--would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? Brodie leads them back to the counter. BRODIE You see, kids, if you read Wizard, you'd know it's the top story this month. Check it out. Brodie hands Jay and Silent Bob a copy of Wizard, opened to the headline: Snootchie Bootchies! Bluntman and Chronic Get Big Screen Treatment! There are pictures of HOLDEN MCNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS, as well as drawings of Bluntman and Chronic. JAY When the fuck did this happen?! BRODIE Well, after X-Men hit at the box office, all the studios started buying up every comic property they could get their hands on. Miramax optioned Bluntman and Chronic. JAY Miramax? I thought they only made classy flicks like The Piano and The Crying Game? BRODIE Yeah, well once they made She's All That, everything went to hell. So you're saying you haven't gotten a cut of the movie? Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? JAY We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie! BRODIE Well boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky owe you some of the proverbial phat cash. I mean they're making a movie based on characters that are based on you and Quiet Robert. JAY It ain't me and Quiet Robert. It's a pair of stupid-ass superheroes that run around saying "Snitchy-Nitchies" or something. BRODIE I believe it "Snootchie Boochies." Regardless--you're getting screwed. If I was you guys, I'd confront Holden McNeil and ask him for my movie check. JAY Shit yeah. We gotsa get paid. BRODIE And on that note, we cue the music. Jay lays down a House bass beat. Brodie complements it with his own beat. EXT. POTZER'S INC--DAY Jay and Silent Bob mosey past the front door of the building and knock. INT. POTZER'S INC--DAY Holden McNeil, opens the door and smiles. HOLDEN Well! I have been waiting years to do this. (smiles) Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Smells like someone shit in their cereal. Bunngg! Jay and Silent Bob enter. Holden closes the door, following them. JAY What the fuck took you so long answering your damn door? You trying to talk another girlfriend of yours into some of that gay-ass three-way action with your buddy? HOLDEN No, I was just showering your mother's stink off me after I gave her a quick jump and sent her home. But now that you mention it-- (to Bob) Thanks, you know. You could've made the moral of that story you told me a bit more clear. Silent Bob shrugs. HOLDEN So what brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods? JAY Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods-- Silent Bob holds up the Wizard article. JAY Where's our motherfucking movie check? HOLDEN You heard about that too, Hunh? Well, I've got nothing to do with it. That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now. I signed my half of the Bluntman and Chronic right over to him years ago. JAY Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? HOLDEN Because I'm almost thirty, for God's sake--why on earth would I want to keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? You gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want more for yourself? (off Silent Bob) I know this poor, hapless sonovabitch does. I look in his doe eyes and I see a man crying out, "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, and who bombards me and those around us with grade-A foolishness that prevents me from even getting to kiss a girl? Fuck! When?! Silent Bob nod like he's finally understood. Jay looks at him, hurt, and Bob tried to downplay the comment's truth. JAY I'm the chucklehead? Fuck you--you're the dumb-ass who gave away his comic, and now you ain't got no fat movie check neither. HOLDEN When you're right, you're right. I wish I'd broken off a little piece for myself. Because if the buzz is any indication, the movie's gonna make some huge bank. JAY What buzz? HOLDEN The Internet buzz. JAY What the fuck is the Internet? INT. OFFICE OF POTZER'S INC--LATER Holden's at a computer terminal. Jay and Silent bob look over his shoulder. HOLDEN The Internet is a communication device that allows people the world over to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. (off monitor) Here's what we're looking for: "Movie PoopShoot.com" JAY (to Bob) "PoopChute." Yeaaahhh. HOLDEN This is a site full of militant movie buffs: sad bastards who live in their parents' basements, downloading scripts and trading what they believe to be inside info about movies and actors they despise yet can't stop discussing. This is where you go if you wanna hear frustrated would-be filmmakers mouth off with their two- bit, arm-chair-director's opinions on how they all could've made a better Episode One. On the computer monitor, we see the site mainpage load up. Holden begins navigating the site. HOLDEN Here. This is about the Bluntman movie. (reading) "Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday on their adaptation of underground comic fave Bluntman and Chronic." JAY Friday?! Shit. Does it say who's playing us in the movie? HOLDEN No, but if it's Miramax, I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put'em in a bunch of movies. JAY Who? HOLDEN You know--the guys from Good Will Hunting. JAY You mean the fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? HOLDEN Yeah, I'm not too big a fan either. Though Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms. JAY Word, bitch. Phantoms like a motherfucker. Holden and Jay slap hands. Holden points at the monitor again. HOLDEN Now down here is where you can gauge the buzz. This is the Shoot Back area. It's where people who read the news get to chime in with their two cents. Here's what a guy who goes by the chick-magnet Net handle of "Wampa- One" thinks about Bluntman and Chronic. (reading) "Bluntman and Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all. They don't deserve their own movie." (to Jay) He's got a point. JAY Fuck him. What's the next one say? HOLDEN (reading) "Bluntman and Chronic is the worst comic I ever read. Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters. A couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catchphrases like a third-rate Cheech and Chong or Bill and Ted. Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses." JAY Who the fuck said that shit?! HOLDEN A guy who calls himself "Magnolia- Fan." Check out what the guy after him said: "Jay and Silent Bob are terrible, one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at. They're fucking clown shoes. If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid. I can't believe Miramax would have anything to so with this shit. I, for one, will be boycotting this movie. Who's with me?" (leans back) And then there are about fifty more posts from people who agree to join Spartacus-here's boycott of the flick. JAY (grimly) I'm gonna kill all these fucks-- HOLDEN Ah, let it go. Number one, they're a bunch of jealous little dicks who use the anonymity of the Net to insult people who're doing what they wish they were doing, and number two, they're not really talking about you guys--they talking about Bluntman and Chronic. JAY But they said Jay and Silent Bob! They used our real names. It doesn't matter that there's a comic book version of us and a real version, 'cause nobody knows we're real in real life. HOLDEN Really. JAY Yeah! And all these people who read that shit think the real Jay and Silent Bob are a couple of faggots 'cause of that all these dicks are writing about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob! And maybe one night, me and Lunchbox'll be macking some bitch, and she'll be like "Oooo! I want to suck youse guys dicks off. What's your names?" And I'll be like, "Jay and Silent Bob." And she'll be like, "Oh--I read on the Internet that youse guys were little fucking jerkoffs." And then she goes and sucks two other guys's dicks off instead! Well fuck that! We gotta put a stop to these hateful sonsa- bitches before they ruin our good names! HOLDEN First off, I don't know how good your names really are. Secondly, there's not much you can do about stopping this bile. The Internet's given everyone in America a voice, and everyone in American has chosen to use that voice to bitch about movies. As long as there's a Bluntman and Chronic movie, the Net-nerds are gonna have something negative to say about it. Jay steams, thinking. Then, a light dawns on him. JAY But wait a second--if there wasn't a Bluntman and Chronic movie, then no one would be saying shit about Jay and Silent Bob, right? HOLDEN They're not saying anything about you now--they're talking about fictional characters! JAY (oblivious to Holden; to Bob) So all we gotta do is stop 'em from making the movie! HOLDEN Yeah, and kiss-off the hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties you're due in the process. Are you fucking retarded? Look, I'm probably not alone in the opinion that this flick is the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. I mean, a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? Holden, Jay and Silent Bob pause and look at the camera for a beat. Then-- HOLDEN But since it is happening, you might as well just ignore the idiots on the Internet, go find Banky, and get your "motherfucking movie check." As you so succinctly put it. That's what's important here. JAY No, Holden McNeil--what's important here is that there's a bunch of motherfuckers we don't even know calling us assholes on the Internet to a bunch of teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. (off monitor) When did it say they're making that movie? HOLDEN They start this Friday. JAY So if today's Tuesday, that gives us-- (counts) Eight days. HOLDEN It's more like three days. JAY Right. Three days to stop that stupid fucking movie from getting made! C'mon, Silent Bob-- Jay and Bob stand and look at each other, filled with purpose. JAY We're going to Hollywood. They stride off. Holden shakes his head. HOLDEN Now that's what I call the Blunt leading the Blunt. EXT. BUS STATION--DAY Jay and Silent Bob approach a bus that's labeled "Los Angeles." They nod at each other and then climb aboard. After a beat, they re-emerge. JAY Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? They head toward the depot. JAY Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every day for free? EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The bus roars past a sign that read: Leaving New Jersey. INT. BUS--SAME Jay makes his way up to the DRIVER. JAY We in Hollywood yet? DRIVER It's a three--day ride to Los Angeles, sir. We left twenty minutes ago. JAY I didn't ask you about Los Angeles. I asked you about Hollywood. DRIVER Hollywood's in Los Angeles, sir. JAY Don't change the subject! Are we in Hollywood yet or not? DRIVER Please sit down, sir. Jay glares at the Driver and heads back to his seat. JAY Why don't you take your seat Ralph Kramden-- Jay slumps into the seat beside Silent Bob. JAY I'm fucking bored, man. There ain't shit to so on this bus. Silent Bob mimes jerking off. JAY I already did that. Twice. Silent Bob shrugs, looking out the window, Jay looks across the aisle and spots a CHILD IN A HELMET playing a handheld video game. He leans over to him. JAY Yo, Gretzky--lemme get a turn. CHILD Leave me alone, little kid. The Child gives him the finger. Jay goes wide-eyed, turning to Silent Bob. JAY That fuck called me a little kid and gave me the finger! Go kick his ass! Silent Bob offers an incredulous look, as if to say, "He's ten years old." JAY You're my muscle, ain'tcha? Silent Bob kind of nods. JAY So go open a can of whup-ass on that little fuck, and get me his game! Silent Bob sighs and stands. He climbs over Jay into the aisle and stands in front of the child. He looks at him and registers doubt. He looks back to Jay, who waves him on. Silent Bob steels himself, looks back to the kid and reaches for his game. The Child emits a high-pitched scream and starts punching himself in the head. Silent Bob dives back into his seat, trying to look nonchalant. The Child stops crying. Jay looks at Silent Bob. JAY You're one tough motherfucker, you know that? EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The bus pulls over by the side of the road. INT. BUS--DAY The Bus Driver heads down the aisle toward the back of the bus, followed by pissed-off PASSENGERS. PASSENGER They been in there going on half an hour now! Two of them! Doing God knows what! The Bus Driver bangs on the bathroom door and shouts. DRIVER This bus isn't moving another inch unless you clear out of there right now! No answer. The Bus Driver bangs on the door harder. DRIVER DO YOU HEAR ME?! OPEN THIS DOOR! NOW!! The door handle turns, the door swings wide, and massive amounts of smoke suddenly billow through the back of the bus. The smoke clears to reveal Jay and Silent Bob squeezed into the bathroom, holding a massive joint. JAY Um--I think something's burning back here. EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER As the bus pulls away, Jay and Silent Bob are revealed, left behind. JAY The whole fucking world's against us, dude. I swear to God. Silent Bob nods. Jay sticks out his thumb and starts hitching. EXT. ROADSIDE--LATER Jay and Bob are walking backwards, hitching still. JAY This sucks balls, man. How come we ain't getting no rides? VOICE 'Cause you're doing it all wrong. Jay and Bob look behind them. There's a GUY hitching as well. GUY You gotta induce the drivers a little. JAY Like how? GUY Like this. The GUY holds out his sign to them. It reads: Will Give Head For Ride. JAY Yeah, but what happens when you get in the car, and you don't make with the head? Don't they kick your ass to the curb? GUY Sure--if you don't make with the head. Jay and Bob look at him for a long beat. Then-- JAY Eww! You eat the cock?!? GUY Yeah. If it'll get me a few hundred miles across country. I'll take a shot in the mouth. JAY Yeah, but we ain't gay. GUY Well, neither am I. But have you seen the price of bus tickets lately? Shit--I don't wanna cough up two hundred bucks just to get to Chicago. JAY Well, I don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm! GUY Don't be so suburban--this is the new millennium. Gay, straight--it's all the same now. There're no more lines. Jay draws a line on the ground with his foot. JAY There's one. On this side of it, we ain't gay. GUY All hitchers do this. Why do you think people pick us up? If you get a ride, it's expected--I don't care who the driver is. It's the first rule in the Book. JAY What book? GUY The unwritten Book of the Road. A TRUCK starts to pull over to the side of the road. The Guy points to it, as if to say "See?" The passenger-side door opens. The Guy climbs into the truck and closes the door. He looks out the window at Jay and Bob. GUY Follow the rules of the Book, and you'll get where you're going in no time. Excuse me. Through the windshield, Jay and Silent Bob see the Guy go face-first into the TRUCK DRIVER'S lap. The Truck Drivers smiles, and the truck takes off, roaring down the road. Jay and Silent Bob watch the truck disappear. Then, a CAR pulls up. The NUN driving rolls down the passenger side window and leans toward them. NUN You two boys need a ride? INT. CAR--LATER The NUN drives, smiling. Jay and Silent Bob sit in the back seat, huddled close together, their eyes glued on the Nun. NUN You both don't have to sit back there. One of you can sit up here with me. Silent Bob shakes his head "no" to Jay. Jay shrugs and climbs up front. NUN So where are you boys from? JAY New Jersey. NUN What brings you to Indiana? JAY We're going to Hollywood. NUN Hollywood, hunh? That's a long ways away. JAY Yeah--we're lucky you picked us up. NUN Well, do unto others. That's what the Book says. JAY (misinterpreting completely) Wait a minute--you follow the Book, too? NUN I live my life by it. JAY Really? You? NUN Of course. You know how lonely it gets on the road? Thanks to the Book, I'm never alone--if you know what I mean. JAY I guess. This guy back there explained it to us. But I didn't think you'd be into that. NUN Are you kidding? I've dedicated my life to it. Every hour of every day. JAY Shit--you nuns are alright. NUN You live by the Book, too? JAY You picked us up, didn't you? I gotta. NUN That's good to hear. But it takes deed, not words. It's a lot easier to say you live by the Book than to actually do it. (looks at him) Can you do it? JAY You want me to do it right now? NUN No time like the present, right? Jay looks back at Silent Bob. Silent Bob shakes his head "no." Jay shrugs them flips his hair over his shoulder, and starts to bend down. JAY Alright. (he suddenly stops) You hear that? She's not a Catholic. She's a Presbyterian. Jay disappears below the dash, The Nun goes wide-eyed. EXT. ROADSIDE--DAY The Nun's car screeched to the side of the road. Jay gets kicked our of the front seat by the screaming Nun. Silent Bob rushes out too, and the car races off. Jay's wipes his mouth. He pulls a long curly hair from between his teeth. JAY Dude--she had seventies bush. EXT. HIGHWAY--NIGHT Jay and Bob continue hitching. JAY I can't believe this shit. Five hours and not a single ride. Every day, millions of people hitch to Hollywood and stop studios from making movies about 'em. But when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fucking cartoon! A familiar-looking VAN pulls up in the other side of the raid, The horn beeps. Jay and Bob look at each other, shrug, and race across the street, get in. The van pulls off. INT. VAN--NIGHT Jay and Bob sit in the back of the can and stare at-- A clean-cut GUY, a Bookish woman in glasses, a red headed Beauty, a stoner DUDE, and a GREAT DANE. Jay looks at Silent Bob. JAY Zoinks, yo GUY And now we can finally solve the mystery of the Hitchhiking Ghouls! Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are! BOOKISH I don't think they are masks. BEAUTY I don't think they're Hitchhiking Girls either. BOOKISH Ghouls, you fucking moron. Not Girls. (to herself) Though I wish they were hitchhiking girls. Sexy, skimpily clad hitchhiking girls-- GUY Let's kick them out. We've got a mystery to solve. DUDE The only mystery here is why we take our cues from a dick in a neckerchief! GUY Keep it up, Beatnik! I'll feed you to the fucking dog! BEAUTY (covering her ears; shrieking) I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS FIGHTING! JAY YO! The Gang look to Jay and Bob. JAY Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down! And we got just the thing for that. (pulls out a bag of joints) We call them Doobie Snax. INT. VAN--WEED VISION As Jay and Bob toke up, we go all SLO-MO and 70's freaky (with the image seeming to SWIM). Through their stoned haze, we see old-school witches, skeletons, and ghouls swirling about their heads--the latter of which gets his mask taken off to reveal a man inside a costume. Jay and Bob look at the gang, then take a hit off their joint and look back. Suddenly, the gang's engaged in total debauchery: the Dude rides the windshield while the Guy cackles insanely, blindfolded by his neckerchief. Bookish and Beauty are in their underwear, making out with each other. The Great Dane looks at Jay and Bob and says-- GREAT DANE Ri, Ray rand Rirent Rob The Great Dane rolls over, revealing its RED THING sticking way out of its sheath. It's monstrous. Jay and Bob go wide- eyed. JAY Look at his fuckin' lipstick!!! He's got a stoner-boner!!! Jay and Bob smile and pass out. We cut back to the gang, who now appear as they did prior to Weed-Vision. They stare at the O.C. Jay and Bob. BEAUTY I think they passed out. GUY Great. What do we do with them now? DUDE Let's cut out their kidneys to sell on the black market and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. BOOKISH Oh God, not again? INT. SEEDY MOTEL BATHROOM--NIGHT Jay lies in a bathtub full of ice, screaming. There's a scar on his back. EXT. KANSAS CITY PARK--DAY Jay wakes up suddenly, screaming. He startles Bob awake as well, as he clutched at this back lifting his shirt to see the scar. It's not there. JAY Holy shit, I had a horrible dream. (looks around) Yo, I'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast? Bob looks around, and then locks on something O.C. He points, and Jay looks, smiles widely, and nods. EXT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--DAY An ESTABLISHING SHOT of the fast food eatery, as Jay and Bob enter. INT. MOOBY'S FAST FOOD JOINT--SAME As the pair head for the counter, Jay notices a public INTERNET TERMINAL. He tugs at Silent Bob's arm. JAY Yo--check that shit out: the Internet. Let's see if those fucks said something new about us and that stupid flick. Bob shrugs, heading for the terminal. He inserts a dollar and types, following it up with a mouse click. The pair look at the screen and go wide-eyed. JAY "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob is gonna lick balls, because they both, in fact, lick balls. Namely each other's." Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, wide-eyed. JAY Eww. (reading further) "Yes--they are real people. Real stupid people. Signed, Darth Randal." (to Bob) Motherfucker! It's time we wrote something back! Type this shit down. Silent Bob starts typing as Jay dictates. JAY All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball- lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers whole you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit our shit, then eat their shit which is made of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then all you motherfuckers are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob. Silent Bob finishes typing and presses "Return". He and Jay nod at each other, then head over to the counter line, looking up at the menu board. JAY That'll fucking show 'em. Now we eat our Egga-Mooby-Muffins, then get back on the road, get to Hollywood, and stop that fucking movie from getting made. No more hairy-bush nuns, no more dogs. We keep our eye on the prize, and not let nothing-- and I mean NOTHING--distract me. As Jay finishes speaking, he looks to the O.C. doors and freezes. A gorgeous GIRL walks through the front doors, all in SLO-MO to the tune of Prince's The Most Beautiful Girl in the World. She's bathed in light, glowing. She bats her eyelashes, gliding toward us. Jay is mouth-agape wide eyed. Silent Bob looks at him, then at the O.C.Girl. He slowly waves his hand in front of Jay's eyes, getting zero response. JAY'S POV The Girl smiles at us. His POV goes from her face, down to her breasts, then down to her crotch. Jay moves past Silent Bob and meets the Girl in the middle of the floor. He embraces her and lands a long, sweet kiss on her mouth. After a beat, he starts fumbling like a teenager to get to second base under her shirt, totally incongruous with the music. The Girl kindly tries to deter him. But it's just a fantasy. Jay's still standing there next to Silent Bob, but he is sporting a huge BONER. Silent Bob rolls his eyes. He grabs a soda cup off the counter and sticks it over Jay's boner, just as the Girl joins them in line. She smiles at the zombified Jay. GIRL (off cup) Oh my God. Do you get free refills with that? JAY Oh, what--this? I just wear this for protection. You know--so no guys try to grab my shit. GIRL Hi. I'm Justice. JAY (dreamily) And I am so fucking yours-- Silent Bob pokes Jay, who shakes of his daze. JAY I mean hi. I'm Jay. And this is my hereto life-mate, Silent Bob. JUSTICE It's nice to meet you. JAY Justice, hunh? That's a nice name. (under his breath, to Bob) Jay'n'Justice, sitting in a tree. F- U-C-K-I-N-G-- (back to Justice) So you come here often? JUSTICE Oh, I'm not from around here. My friends and I are taking a road trip, and we just stopped to grab something to eat. JAY Your friends, hunh? Where they at? JUSTICE (pointing) Out there. By that van. Jay and Bob look past Justice to see a VAN with three other gorgeous GIRLS stretching outside of it, throwing their hair around, looking incredibly sexy. Without looking at Silent Bob, Jay quietly says to him-- JAY Dude--I think I just filled the cup. INT. VAN--DAY Jay and Bob climb into the can, getting odd looks from the other Girls, Justice follows them in, tossing the fast food to her friends. JAY Ladies, ladies, ladies! Jay and Silent Bob are in the Hizz-ouse!!! SISSY Who the fuck are these guys? JUSTICE This is Jay and Silent Bob. (to Jay and Bob) Guys, this is Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy. CHRISSY Where the fuck did they come from? JUSTICE I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride. SISSY I don't know if that's such a great idea. Jussy. JAY Sure it is, Juggs. MISSY Oh my god--he just called Sissy "Juggs"! CHRISSY I'm on it. Chrissy lunges toward Jay, pulling a knife. JUSTICE Chrissy, no! Sissy stops Chrissy, shoving a burger into her hands. SISSY We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy. Let's try to act like it. CHRISSY And what-stupid ass little foul- mouthed bitch-boys don't get their balls cut off in suburbia? JAY (oblivious) What's with the knife? We having cake or something? CHRISSY Holy shit--he's retarded, to boot. JAY (to Silent Bob) Yo--she called you retarded. SISSY (to Justice) What's wrong with you, Justice? You do remember where we're going, don't you? MISSY That we do have a job to do? JUSTICE They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. They won't get in the way, I promise. (cutesy) Please? SISSY Fine--they can ride with us. But they're so out of here before we get to Boulder. JUSTICE Honest Injun. CHRISSY "Honest Injun"? (to Sissy) I can't believe what a pushover you are. JAY And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? Suddenly, Jay and Bob are parted by BRENT, who's getting into the van. BRENT Say--what's all this talk about farting? Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy immediately go from disgusted to sweet and airy, totally switching characters. SISSY/CHRISSY/MISSY Hi Brent! SISSY This is Brent. He's with us, too. CHRISSY Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. BRENT Of course they don't! Only skeevy stoners fart. The very white Brent puts his hand out to be slapped by Jay and Silent Bob. BRENT What up, homies? (off the Girls) Wow, Three guys, four girls-- (to Jay and Bob) What's the count boys? Jay and Bob look at each other and roll their eyes. EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The van drives down the road. We hear singing from inside. INT. VAN--DAY Brent strums a guitar and sings, as the Girls and Jay and Bob listen, rolling eyes. BRENT Hey there mister science-guy. Don't spray that aerosol in my eye. For I don't really want to die. I'm a noble rabbit! JAY What're you guys, like a cover band or something? SISSY We're the Kansas State chapter of S.A.A.C.--Students Against Animal Cruelty. CHRISSY And we're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds! Everyone lets out a whoop, except Jay and Bob. JAY What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? BRENT Hey! Watch the language little boy. There are females present. Jay and Silent Bob eyeball Brent, until Justice distracts them. JUSTICE Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical lab where they perform gross experiments on animals. JAY So, what kind of animals are we talking about here--like bears and rhinos? BRENT No--more like rabbits, dogs, cats... heck, even monkeys, If we don't speak for them, who will? (touches Justice's arm) Right, Jussy? Jay sees this and his eyes flare over the competition. After a beat, he relaxes. JAY Hey, uh--Brent? Can I talk to you over here for a second? Brent joins Jay, strumming his guitar. Jay addresses him confidentially. JAY Be honest, yo--you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right? BRENT I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid. JAY Even sheep? BRENT Of course. Sheep are beautiful creatures. JAY They are beautiful, aren't they? BRENT Oh God, yes. JAY So then you'd fuck a sheep? BRENT What is your damage little boy? You've got a sick and twisted world perspective. JAY No, you misunderstand me, Prince Valiant. I mean if you were another sheep. Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? BRENT I--suppose so. JAY That's what I thought. (suddenly loudly, to all) YO! THIS MOTHERFUCKER AIN'T ONE OF US! HE JUST SAID HE'D FUCK A SHEEP! EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY The side door of the van slides open and Brent gets hurled out of the moving vehicle. Jay throws his guitar at him as well, yelling and flipping the bird as the van drives off. JAY YA DIRTY SHEEP FUCKER!!! EXT. HIGHWAY--LATER The van drives down the road. INT. VAN--SAME Missy drives. Sissy sits in the passenger seat. Chrissy kneels between them. CHRISSY What the fuck are we gonna do now? SISSY Shut up, I'm thinking. In the back, Justice studies some blueprints. Jay joins her, and she quickly folds them up. JAY Is Hollywood near where we're going? JUSTICE Is that where you guys are from? JAY Ch'yeah, right. Jersey represent! JUSTICE Oh, a Jersey Boy. What brings you all the way out here? JAY Well, we couldn't hang in front of the Quick Stop no more, 'cause of the strainen-en order, which sucks ass 'cause it's been like our home since we were kids. Silent Bob even busted his cherry there. JUSTICE (to Bob) You did? I'll bet she was a lucky girl. Bob blushes, Jay doesn't like that Justice's attention has strayed. JAY Look, fuck that fat fuck--I'm trying to tell a story here. JUSTICE Sorry. JAY Anyway, we were talking to Brodie and he said there's gonna be a Bluntman and Chronic movie. So we went to see Holden McNeil, and he showed us the Internet, and that's where we found all these fucking little jerkoffs were saying shit about us. So we decided to go to Hollywood and stop the movie from getting made. And now we're here. JUSTICE Wow. I have no idea what you just said. JAY Yeah, I get that a lot. So you like animals, huh? JUSTICE Sure. JAY That's cool. Even snakes? JUSTICE You can't exclude an animal just because it's not cuddly. Of course I like snakes. JAY How about trouser snakes? JUSTICE What's a trouser snake? Just then, a little JAY DEVIL appears on Jay's left shoulder. JAY DEVIL (to Jay) What the fuck are you waiting for? She went for the setup! Reach in your fucking pants, and pull yer cock out, bitch! That's the kinda shit girls like! Suddenly another little JAY DEVIL appears in Jay's right shoulder. JAY DEVIL 2 Right about here's where the angel's supposed to show up and tell you not to pull your dick out. But we bitch- slapped that little fuck and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing. Let 'er rip, boy! They disappear in little puffs of smoke and Jay shoves his hand down his pants, getting ready to whip out his dick, when suddenly a little JAY ANGEL appears on his shoulder, rubbing a swollen jaw. JAY ANGEL Sorry I'm late. So what's the deal here? (looks down) Oh, shit--you're not thinking of whipping your dick out at this fine piece of woman, are you? Jay thinks, then nods "Yes." The Jay Angel rolls his eyes, and slaps him. JAY ANGEL Tell you what: look at Silent Bob. See if he thinks it's a good idea to whip your dick out. Jay looks to Silent Bob. Silent Bob looks from Jay's hand in his pants to Jay and shakes his head "no," sternly. Jay withdraws his hand from his pants. The Jay Angel nods, satisfied. JAY ANGEL That's it, boy--put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit will do for this one. Be smooth. Be Don Juan de la Nootch. Now I gotta go beat the shit out of two suckerpunching little bitches. Remember--don't pull your dick out until she asks you to. (beat) Or until she sleeping. Bunnnnggg! The Jay Angel blinks away. Justice looks at Jay, a bit confused. JAY Don't ask. (beat) So, uh--what can a pimp-daddy like me do to help the animals? JUSTICE You really don't want to help us-- JAY What the fuck are you talking about? Sure I do. I'd do anything for you. Justice smiles. Jay tries to recover. JAY I mean, youse guys! I'd do anything for youse guys. For the lift and shit. JUSTICE You sure? JAY Sure, I'm sure. I said it, didn't I. Fuck JUSTICE Well--okay. Let me talk it over with the other girls and get back to you. JAY You do that. Jay takes Justice's hand and kisses it. JAY I'll be right here. He winks at her, smiles and moves to the other side of the can, near Silent Bob. He's still smiling at Justice and winking when he looks to Silent Bob who stares at him blankly, then imitates Jay's hand-kissing back at him, Jay scowls. JAY Fuck you. Fatty. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORY--DAY The van pulls up and all pile out, stretching. The Girls head toward the store. Justice calls over to Jay and Silent Bob. JUSTICE You guys want anything from inside? JAY No, we're cool, thanks hon. Justice smiles and heads inside. Jay and Silent Bob study the front of the foreign convenience store. They look for a place to lean, try a few spots out, then settle into one. After a beat-- JAY It just ain't the same, is it? This place licks balls compared to Quick Stop. Silent Bob shakes his head "Yeah." JAY And speaking of licking balls--how 'bout that Justice chick? She is too fine. And she smells so fucking pretty. She's got a nice voice, too. And that body? Smoking. You know, she never once said "fuck off," when I was talking to her, or pulled out the pepper spray, or nothing. I tell ya, Lunchbox--she could be the one. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY Justice is at the microwave when she's suddenly surrounded by the other girls. MISSY Smooth move, Justice. CHRISSY (slapping Justice upside the head) Nice going, Four Eyes! JUSTICE Ow! SISSY Why the fuck did you let that little stoner throw Brent our of the van?! JUSTICE Oh please--if I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs, I was going to throw him out myself. SISSY We needed Brent, Justice! He was our patsy! JUSTICE We'll find someone else. Besides, I didn't see you trying to stop Jay from throwing him out. SISSY Because I didn't want to blow our cover! JUSTICE Cover, shmover--you all hated his songs, too. CHRISSY Not as much as I hate you. Justice offers Chrissy a cold glance, CHRISSY Fuck, if I don't get to kill someone soon, I'm gonna--fucking kill someone! SISSY (rubbing Chrissy's shoulders) Don't mind Chrissy. She's just a little too wound for sound. CHRISSY Then how about you help me take the edge off? Chrissy grabs Missy forcefully and the pair make out, hot and heavy in the middle of the convenience store. Other customers regard them wide-eyed. JUSTICE (to Customers) They're really good friends. SISSY (TO CHRISSY AND MISSY) Would you two knock it off? We're in the fucking heartland here! Try to blend! JUSTICE They already do--she's the milkmaid, and she's the cow. CHRISSY Oh, I'm a cow, am I? I'm a mad cow, bitch. And now I'm gonna rip your head off and fuck your spine stump. SISSY Enough! (calm to Justice) We have a very simple gang here, Justice. I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn, and Missy's the tech-girl. But lately, I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're doing here. JUSTICE That makes two of us. CHRISSY Shit--your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. JUSTICE That's because very few names rhyme with "douchebag." CHRISSY (getting in her face) You're dancing on my last nerve, Strawberry Shortcake. (to Sissy) You deal with the weak link. I'm gonna take Missy into the dirty convenience store bathroom and hate- fuck the shit out of her. Chrissy drags Missy off. Justice and Sissy watch them go. JUSTICE And you said letting them read all that Anais Nin wouldn't amount to anything. SISSY Don't change the subject. You know what you have to do now, right? Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince the little kid and that fat guy to take his place. They've gotta break into Provasik now. JUSTICE Uh-uh! SISSY Uh-huh. You'll do it; or you're out of this gang. Just use the little one's crush to convince him, since he's so fucking in love with you. JUSTICE Jay? No he's not. SISSY What--am I blind? He wasn't kissing your hand back in the van like he was fucking Lord Byron? JUSTICE Well, maybe he was just raised with manners. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY A GIRL walks past Jay and Bob, heading out of the store. JAY (to exited Girl) YO, BABY! YOU EVER HAVE YOUR ASSHOLE LICKED BY A FAT MAN IN AN OVERCOAT?! (to Bob) Yeah. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--DAY Sissy continues to confront Justice. SISSY You're the one that brought the kid in, Jussy. So you've gotta make amends. JUSTICE Jay is not taking Brent's place as the patsy. SISSY That kid and his quite friend are our only options at this point. Now we got about two hours before we get to Boulder. That gives you plenty of of time to work on him. JUSTICE I'm not gonna do it. SISSY Why the fuck not? JUSTICE Because he's just to so innocent! Justice looks out the window and smiles, seeing Jay dancing alongside Bob. JUSTICE Look at him-- EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME Jay's dancing still, but now we hear what he's SINGING to Silent Bob. JAY I'm gonna finger-fuck her tight little asshole! Finger-bang and tea-bang my balls--in her mouth! Where? Where? In her mouth--balls-a-plenty in her mouth! Balls, balls, sweaty balls-- INT. CONVENIENCE STORE--SAME Sissy eyeballs Justice, who's still looking out at Jay. SISSY Who's it going to be, Jussy--him or us? Justice looks at Sissy. Sissy nods at her. Justice looks back out at Jay. INT. VAN--DAY Justice talks to Jay and Silent Bob. JAY Steal a monkey? Shit--no problem. JUSTICE It's not really stealing--it's liberating it, and-- (finally hears him) Wait a second--did you say, "No problem"? JAY Yeah, Fuck--we steal monkeys all the time. (to Bob) Right, Lunchbox? Silent Bob glares at Jay. JUSTICE It's not like it's a bad thing. It's for a good cause. JAY Oh, it for the best cause, mon cheri-- (takes her hand) The cause of love. (kisses her hand, then releases) Snoogans-- JUSTICE What the heck is that? JAY What's what? JUSTICE "Snoogans," I believe it was. JAY What the fuck do you think it means? It means "I'm kidding." JUSTICE Ohhh. Well, that's too bad. She smiles at Jay, touches his chin and heads to the front of the van. Jay plays it cool until she's out of sight, then humps silent Bob's leg like a dog. JAY (singing) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey! (speaking) If I'd known it was that easy, I'd've been stealing monkeys since I was like seven and shit. Jay looks at Silent Bob, who clearly disapproves. JAY Don't, motherfucker. Don't you ruin this for me. Me and Justice are gonna get married one day, so don't be giving me that "we-ain't-stealing-no- monkey" look. I'm Morris Day; you're Jerome, bitch. Don't forget that. That girl? That girl's in love with me. Up front, Justice talks to Sissy, while Missy drives. JUSTICE They're gonna do it. SISSY Good. They do their part-- (pats a video camera) And we'll do ours. Justice eyes Sissy, then slumps in her seat. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT The Van rolls up across the street from the Provasik Labs, parking in front of another large building. INT. VAN--SAME Jay and Silent bob get out, along with Justice. They wear Ninja masks. Missy and Chrissy follow. JUSTICE Remember--we meet back here when you're done. You sure you're okay with this? JAY As sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I ever seen. Chrissy lunges at Jay, Missy holds her back, dragging Chrissy away. JAY What's twisting that bitch's tits? JUSTICE Maybe it's because women don't like to be called "bitches," Jay. JAY They don't? Well how 'bout "piece of ass"? JUSTICE How about not. JAY Well, what the fuck am I supposed to call you, then? JUSTICE Something sweet, you big goof. Something nice. JAY (thinks; then) Boo-boo kitty fuck. JUSTICE (laughing) Okay. That's a start. Sissy jumps out of the van, holding the video camera, aiming it at Jay and Bob. SISSY Jay, before you go, could you say something into the camera about the clitoris. JAY What? JUSTICE (to Sissy) Man you are such a bitch-- SISSY (off Justice; to Jay) She's just a little embarrassed. See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary for our Human Sexuality class, and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. JAY The female clitoris? SISSY Uh--yeah. JUSTICE Jay, you don't have to do this. She elbows Sissy. JAY Nah, it's cool, hon. There's a few things I can say about the clit that I's like you to hear. (clears throat; into camera) I am the master of the clit! I make that shit work! It does what ever the fuck I tell it to do! No one rules the clit like me! (off Silent Bob) Not this little fuck! None of you little fucks out there! I am the clit commander!!! Remember that-- commander of all clits! Jay proceeds to make some pussy-eating faces. Justice shakes her head at Sissy, who snaps the camera closed and smiles. SISSY Awesome. Knock 'em dead, Tiger. Sissy climbs back into the van. JAY (to Justice) So--can I get a little kiss for good luck? Justice smiles at Jay, then kisses him sweetly on the lips. JAY So--can I get a little blow job for good luck? Justice smiles and pulls Jay's mask down. He heads off, revealing Silent Bob behind him, lips puckered, handing in midair. Jay reached back into the frame, pulling Bob out. Justice watches them go. SISSY Jussy. C'mon. Justice climbs back into the van. INT. VAN--SAME Justice sits, glaring at Sissy. SISSY Hey, Lover-girl. You cock-block my authority again, you lose your fucking fronts, you got that? JUSTICE Yes, sir. Sissy takes the tape out of the camera and hands it off to Missy, beside whom is a bag full of high-tech equipment. SISSY Phase One, down. While we're executing Phase Two, you edit that tape and grab a new car. MISSY No sweat. SISSY Let's suit up. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT Jay and Silent bob tuck-and-roll across the front lawn, stopping at the building. Silent Bob pulls a GRAPPLING GUN out of his coat. He fires it into the air as Jay quickly gives the "metal" sign, and the pair are lifted out-of-frame. INT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT It's dead quiet and still. Then, the pair smash through a window, landing in the floor in a ball. They lift their Ninja hoods. Jay glares at Silent Bob. JAY You fat fuck-- INT. VAN--NIGHT Missy peers through binoculars out the window. SISSY They in? MISSY You can say that. SISSY Time to shine. Let's go. EXT. VAN--NIGHT The quartet piles out of the van, and we get our first look at them: sexily geared up for action, wearing all black. They head for a SEPARATE BUILDING. Stopping at the front door. Sissy gestures elaborately to Missy, and Missy gestures elaborately back, racing away into the night. Justice offers Sissy a look. JUSTICE You are so gay. Chrissy sticks a box on the door and presses a button. On a digital readout, numbers roll until they stop on four different digits. The door lock CLICKS open. SISSY Once we're inside, I want complete silence. (holding up high-tech device) Missy whipped this up. It counts our decibel level. If it goes into the red--alarm, we're dead. So not even the slightest noise, got it? Justice blows her off. Sissy enters the building, followed closely by Chrissy. Justice lingers at the door, taking one last look back at the Provasik Building, fretting for Jay and Bob. SISSY (pokes her head back out) Justice! Move your ass! Justice heads inside. We PAN up to reveal a sign that reads: BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE. INT. PROVASIK TESTING ROOM--NIGHT Jay and Bob stand there, looking around the room. It's lines with cages, all of which contain sad-looking ANIMALS. A tear forms in silent Bob's eye. Jay rolls his eyes and hits him. JAY Stay frosty, you big fucking softie. We've got a job to do. Silent Bob nods and clicks on a flashlight. The pair wade through the cages. Jay stops at an EMERGENCY BOX hanging on the wall. Inside it, there's a pistol. JAY Check this out, Lunchbox. Animal tranquilizer. This shit fucks you up like Percocets! Jay elbows the glass, breaking it. He takes the gun out and tosses it to Bob. JAY Hold this. Later, me and Justice can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies. Bunnggg. Silent Bob rolls he eyes and sticks the gun in his coat. The pair look through the cages, until HEAR the distinct SOUND OF A MONKEY. Jay directs Silent Bob's flashlight to the cage from where the sound emitted. He smiles. JAY (reading) "Suzanne." Boo-yah. INT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT The three Girls stand at the end of a large hallway. At the other end is a glass case, full of DIAMONDS. Sissy pulls and aerosol can from her utility belt and sprays the air in the hallway. She watches the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly at the sound of the spray. Suddenly, within the mist, laser beams become apparent. Sissy hands the decibel monitor to Chrissy and takes a few steps back, shaking her hands to limber up. She then runs forward and does an impressive series of flips down the hallway, not touching a single laser beam. Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly. Once Sissy's flipping comes to a stop at the other end of the hallway near the Diamond case, she makes a hand gesture to Justice. Justice nods, and proceeds to do the same series of flips down the hallway, not tripping the alarm. Chrissy checks the decibel monitor, which rises only slightly. Justice lands beside Sissy, and then Sissy gestures to Chrissy. Chrissy tosses the decibel monitor over the laser beams, Sissy catches it, and the monitor rises only slightly. Then, Chrissy proceeds with her series of flips, which are even more impressive than the other two, including running up walls and pushing into handstand flips. When she passes the last laser beam, she lands between Sissy and Justice, arms in the air like a gymnast. Then, she lets out a loud, manly FART. The decibel monitor goes red and an alarm starts RINGING through the building. CHRISSY Holy fuck--the little stoner was right-- Sissy shutters the glass surrounding the Diamonds. She ours them into a bag, and races back down the hallway, followed by Justice and Chrissy. EXT. BOULDER DIAMOND EXCHANGE--NIGHT The Girls emerge from the Diamond Exchange, just as Missy pulls up in a CONVERTIBLE. CHRISSY Boom Box! Missy tosses a metal box to Chrissy, who catches it and races toward the van, while Sissy and Justice pile into the convertible. SISSY I can't believe it. Months of planning and it's all blown by a fucking fart. JUSTICE We can't just leave them like this! That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute! SISSY That was always the plan, Justice! They take the heat off of is long enough until we can get out of town! Chrissy attaches the metal box to the side of the van. CHRISSY Kaboom, you little stoner fucks. The girls pull up in the convertible and Chrissy jumps into the car with them. CHRISSY It's set. Let's roll. The convertible screeches away, leaving the can sitting there. The metal has magnetically attached to the side is counting down from two minutes. INT. PROVASIK TESTING LAB--NIGHT Jay and Bob carry a large canvas bag between them. Something seems to move inside it. The head for the exit, but Silent bob hesitates, offering a sad look to the animals in all the cages. Jay hits him. JAY What the fuck are you looking at? There ain't no snacks here, man! Now we got what we came for, so let's get the fuck out! Silent Bob half-gestures to the cages, forlorn. Jay shakes his head frustrated. JAY Yeah, it's sad! But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? Silent bob offers Jay a look. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--NIGHT The front doors burst open, spilling out Jay, Silent Bob (carrying their bag), and HUNDREDS OF ANIMALS--cats, dogs, birds, rabbits. All race off into the night. Jay and Bob race toward the van. Jay screams at it. JUSTICE JUSTICE! OPEN THE DOORS! Suddenly, Jay and Bob stop dead in their tracks. JAY Oh shit-- Three COP CARS screech up, the van between them and Jay and Bob. The COPS leap out of their cruisers, guns drawn. Jay looks to Bob, pissed COP DROP THE BAG! BEFORE THIS THING TURNS EXPLOSIVE! The counter on the device attached to the van hits "0," and the van BLOWS UP. Jay and Bob get thrown backwards in one direction, the Cops in the other. On all fours, Jay looks at the burning shell of the van, a tear forming in his eye. JAY Justice-- We crane up from him as he bellows-- JAY JUUUSSSTTTTIIIICCCCEEEE!!!!!! Silent Bob grabs Jay and drags him out of frame, still carrying the bag. EXT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY We start on a sign on the door that reads: Federal Wildlife Marshal, Colorado Field Office, then pull back to see a DEPUTY opening the door and heading inside. INT. FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL'S OFFICE--DAY The Deputy enters just as a FAX is coming through at an operations board. He rips it off, reading it. His eyes go wide. DEPUTY Oh, fudge... (calling off) Marshal Willenholly! INT. BATHROOM--SAME MARSHAL WILLENHOLLY sits on the bowl, staring at Four Legged Law-Man magazine, eyeing it lustily. Below frame, he jerks off. WILLENHOLLY Yeah, you chug that ass-cock baby-- It takes two hands to hold doesn't it--? Uhhh-- As he climaxes, a ganging at the door disrupts him. WILLENHOLLY WHAT?! WHAT?! I'M READING! DEPUTY (O.S.) Sir, we got a report of a break-in at Provasik Pharmaceuticals' testing lab. Willenholly emerges from the bathroom, holding the magazine. There's a massive wet spot on the front of his pants. WILLENHOLLY Have you read this article on the mule-suckers in Tijuana? Good God, I wish that was in our jurisdiction-- I'd shut down every last one of those ass-cock chuggers, personally. The Deputy looks at the stain on Willenholly's pants, then at Willenholly. WILLENHOLLY What? "Ass" means "donkey." DEPUTY Yes, sir. (hands him a fax) WILLENHOLLY (looks at fax) Boulder, hunh? Well, gas up the jet. DEPUTY We don't have a jet, sir. And Boulder's only ten minutes away. WILLENHOLLY Then gas up the next best thing. EXT. PROVASIK MEDICAL LABS--DAY There are FIRE TRUCKS all over the place now. The burned out van is being poured over by Cops. Just then, Willenholly pulls up on a MOPED. He parks it and surveys the wreckage. WILLENHOLLY My, oh my, oh my. Who let the cats out? (thinks) Wait--is that right? COP 1 (O.S.) Excuse me--who the hell are you? Willenholly rips down the Velcro patch on his jacket, revealing a badge. WILLENHOLLY Federal Wildlife Marshal. This investigation is now under my jurisdiction. COP 1 Oh really? And why is that? WILLENHOLLY Because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir. COP 1 Well, we believe that was just a diversionary tactic used to call attention away from the real heist over here at the Diamond Exchange. WILLENHOLLY Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. It sounds more like something out of a bad movie. Willenholly and the Cop look at the camera. Then, another COP joins them. COP 2 Sir, the Provasik people say they've rounded all their animals up, except for one: an orangutan. WILLENHOLLY Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! Our fugitive has been on the run for 6 hours! Average simian foot speed over uneven ground--barring injuries or preoccupation with tire tubes, mites or bananas--is four miles an hour. That gives us a radius of twenty miles. COP 3 (calling out from crowd) Twenty-four, sir! WILLENHOLLY What? COP 3 Six hours times four miles an hour is twenty-four. WILLENHOLLY (doing the math in his head) Yes. Yes, you're right. My bad. Twenty- four miles. Now what I want out of all of you is a hard target search. COP 4 Excuse me, sir? WILLENHOLLY Yeah? COP 4 What does that mean, exactly--a "hard target search"? What's a "hard target"? WILLENHOLLY Well. It's--a target--that's--hard. Anyway-- COP 4 So are you referring to the search's level of difficulty? Or is the hard target the monkey? COP 3 Or the people who stole the monkey? The COPS now chatter amongst themselves, to the effect of "Yeah--It could mean that too--He's got a point--,"etc. Willenholly rubs his temples. WILLENHOLLY Okay, how about this? What I want out of all of you is a thorough search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in that area! Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles! COP 1 Wouldn't it make sense to put them up at every twenty-four miles--seeing as that's how far they'd have gotten in the last six hours? They begin chattering amongst themselves again. Willenholly looks at them all, defeated. He starts to cry. WILLENHOLLY This is so frustrating. It's just so hard sometimes-- (yelling) YOUR FUGITIVE'S NAME IS SUZANNE! GO FIND HER! Another COP joins Willenholly, carrying a large, fat envelope. COP 5 Sir, this was just delivered to the station. WILLENHOLLY What is it? COP 5 It's a tape from the terrorists who're claiming credit for the break-in. WILLENHOLLY Is it VHS or Beta? You know what-- never mind. Do you have a VCR? INT. OFFICE--DAY Willenholly and the Cops stare at the O.C. TV, shocked, as the video ends. WILLENHOLLY Oh my God-- (without looking up) Have the jet gassed up and ready to go at a moment's notice. COP Sir, we don't have a jet; just a helicopter. WILLENHOLLY (dialing his cell phone) Doesn't anybody have a jet anymore? (into cell phone) Plafsky? It is Willenholly. You gotta get me on the national news, pronto. Why?! Because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet! EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY Jay and Silent Bob sit close to each other, staring at-- SUZANNE (the ORANGUTAN)--who sits on a log across from them, staring back. JAY This is Jussy's monkey (to Suzanne, angrily) JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEY FUCK! Suzanne covers her eyes with her hands suddenly. Jay and Silent Bob, startle, with Jay leaping behind Silent Bob and pulling back as if he's going to strike. JAY (to Silent Bob) Do something. Tons of Fun! Silent Bob offers the ape a weak wave. Suzanne drops her hands from her face and waves back. Jay cranes his neck to see over silent Bob. JAY Is that fucking thing waving at us? Suzanne nods. Jay steps out from behind Bob. They state at the ape. JAY Holy shit? That monkey understood us! Maybe it's some sort of super- monkey! Suzanne offer them a "raspberry." Spitting as if the comment was ridiculous. Jay and Silent Bob react with surprise at this. JAY What the fuck was that for? It's not a stupid idea! I seen it in Congo? Suzanne holds her nose, as if to say, "Congo stunk." Silent Bob smiles in agreement and amusement. Jay looks at him, stung. JAY You're my bitch. You get my back. Don't go joining this chimp's side. Jay looks around the woods, formulating a thought. Silent Bob moves toward the ape, extending his hand to shake hers. JAY Yo--what if there's more super monkeys up in the lab? Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there! Holy shit! Maybe it's a conspiracy--like on the X-Files Roswell--style! JAY'S DELUSION: We enter into JAY'S HEAD and see-- INT. LAB--DAY We PAN over from a chimp in a chemist's coat measuring liquids in a pair of beakers to a chimp at a drafting table sketching blueprints for an insidious war machine. An orangutan shakes hands with a group of five well-dressed men, one of which looks like the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files. JAY (V.O.) Working in secret with a crew of double-dealing, nicotine-fiending fucks that're selling out the human race, these supermonkeys will use simian science and their genius IQ's to make man and monkey alike believe that they're the superior species! EXT. BALCONY--DAY A monkey dressed like Mussolini addresses a huge crowd of apes, who wave fists in the air. JAY (V.O.) Then all it'll take is one little monkey in a spiffy suit to whip the dumber chimps into a frenzy, until they go all ape-shit and start demanding more bananas, better pay, and human flesh! EXT. FIELD--DAY Randal leads a pack of humans racing through a cornfield, and is shot in the neck. He collapses, revealing a GORILLA on horseback holding a rifle. Two other Gorillas throw a net over him. JAY (V.O.) You'll have to be faster than Walt Flanagan's Dog to outrun the warrior gorillas, who hunt humans for sport, profit, and the occasional inter- species blow-job. And if you don't wind up with a monkey hog in your mouth, you'll be captured, killed or worse... INT. LAB--DAY Cornelius and Zera-looking chimps dissect the brain of a living, screaming, Dante. JAY (V.O.) Eaten alive! EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY The Quick Stop is overrun by vines in a jungle like atmosphere. Monkeys exit the store carrying bunches of bananas. The sign now reads: Ape Stop JAY (V.O.) Then these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. EXT. BEACH--DAY We start on a FULL SHOT of Jay on the beach, looking up, then SNAP ZOOM OUT to REVEAL Jay kneeling before the beach buried Statue of Liberty, screaming, his arms raised. JAY (V.O.) And only those who outwit those damn dirty apes'll ever remember that it was MAN who once ruled the earth! JAY (at statue) YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!! WE DISSOLVE FROM THIS IMAGE TO: EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY Another close-up of Jay's painted face. Behind him, Suzanne and Silent Bob are playing patty-cake. Jay eyes Suzanne angrily. JAY Not on my watch, motherfucker! Jay turns and rushes Suzanne, ferociously. JAY DIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY FUCK! DIE!!! Jay trips on a root poking out of the ground and hits the dirt. Suzanne then goes over to Jay, pulls his face to hers, and kisses him on the lips. JAY Alright--you can live. For now. Silent Bob helps Jay to his feet. JAY You see that? Bitches love me. (heading off) Besides--we're in the fucking clear, yo. It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. INT. TV NEWS STATION--DAY An ANCHORMAN addresses the camera. ANCHORMAN I'm Reg Hartner and this is a News Now bulletin. A Provasik animal testing facility in boulder was the focus of an attack by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling themselves the Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree-Dwellers. Or simply, C.L.I.T. A graphic of the C.L.I.T. logo appears beside him, nailing home the joke. ANCHORMAN In a videotape sent to authorities this morning, credit for the liberation of an orangutan from the lab last night is taken by these men-- A VIDEO CAPTURE of JAY and SILENT BOB from pre-break--in appears on screen. ANCHORMAN --identified in literature that accompanies the tape as Jay and Silent Bob. In this chilling clip, they make it very clear that they are in control of the C.L.I.T. On screen is the C.L.I.T. Logo. A digitized voice narrates. DIGITIZED VOICE We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are safe. Now tremble before the might of our merciless leader.