"FOUR ROOMS" Screenplay by Allison Anders Alexandre Rockwell Robert Rodriguez Quentin Tarantino MAIN TITLES As presentation credits begin, we hear Johnny Cash's "Home of the Blues." Then we see Allison's name, under it Alex's, under that Robert's, under that Quentin's, then under that the title logo for Four Rooms, followed by "Starring Tim Roth as the Bellboy." Then "The Guests" listed in alphabetical order of all the actors playing guests. After the actors' names, we... FADE UP ON A WALL The camera pans down a weathered wall covered with postcards from Miami Beach, Florida, the Copacabana, N.Y.C., "Wish You Were Here" from Niagara Falls, rickshaws and babes on beaches, etc.... The camera comes to rest on an old photograph of a 1930s hotel, the "Mon Signor," in its heyday, with a full staff of 30 people posed on the lawn in front. An old guy with a staccato voice delivers a monologue: VOICE-OVER There used to be a staff of fifty in this place. I'm the only one left from those days. It all comes down to one sap: the night-shift bellhop, that's me. What the hell is a bellhop? You know where the name comes from? (silence) Of course not... It's so simple it's stupid. They ring a bell and you hop. You hop to front and center. No heroes in this line, kid. Just men doing a job. No questions asked, none answered. I try to keep it simple, kid, not too personal... Another voice of a young man interrupts. TED You met any of those old stars? THE OLD GUY Stars! Are you kidding me? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes. I taught Shirley Temple how to roller-skate. I saw Fatty Arbuckle regurgitate three cheese sandwiches right on the spot you're sitting, kid. What did you say your name was? TED Ted. THE OLD GUY Ted, right. I remember Marilyn used to come down at night and doze off in the kitchen. She liked the sound of the fans out back spinning around. Sure, these were stars, kid. Errol Flynn used to call me "Alibi." You'll pick up a few stories yourself, kid. TED I don't think so, not like yours. THE OLD GUY What do you think a star does when he goes to the bathroom, kid? TED Beats me. THE OLD GUY He pulls his pants down and takes a crap just like you and me. Take my word for it. A wisp of smoke passes over a napkin pinned to the wall with a lip print on it signed "Marilyn." The camera pulls back to reveal Ted and the Old Guy sitting on a foldout cot in a small back room of the Hotel Mon Signor. The old man is dressed in a striped T-shirt with a bellhop's cap on. He looks like an old pirate. Next to him on the bed sits Ted, a young guy with a bellhop jacket draped over his knees. The old bellhop takes a long drag off a big cigar. THE OLD GUY Camacho! TED Who? THE OLD GUY The cigar. Cuban. A good cigar, wrapped in Miami. I get a box of them every Christmas from the chairman of the board. I think he sends them to me to keep my mouth shut. It's tough not to get a little personal in this business. The old bellhop takes a hit off his cigar and stares down at his cap, lost in thought. TED What do you mean? The old guy passes the cap over to Ted. THE OLD GUY Put it on. Ted puts the cap on. THE OLD GUY Frankly, you look stupid... like the Philip Morris guy. I can't believe I wore that thing for fifty years. You keep it. The Old Guy gets up from the bed and throws a jacket on. Pulls a few postcards off the wall, throws them in an old straw suitcase, and slams the lid down. He heads for the door. Ted follows. THE OLD GUY Stay away from night clerks, kids, hookers, and marital disputes. The Old Guy pauses for a second and looks Ted dead in the eye. THE OLD GUY Never have sex with the clientele. TED No way, not me. You got any other advice. THE OLD GUY Always get a tip. The door slams shut on the back room. INT. HOTEL LOBBY--TWILIGHT The big empty lobby of the Mon Signor. You can tell that at one point this used to be a swank place. It still is, kinda. It's also kinda decrepit. The concierge -- a snappy, fast- talking, red-haired young woman in a blue blazer named Betty -- stands behind the reception desk. The old man, suitcase in hand, makes a beeline through the lobby, heading toward the front door. Betty sees him. BETTY Sam! Hey, Sam, wait a minute! The Old Guy stops in his tracks and turns around. THE OLD GUY What? Betty comes from behind the desk. BETTY I just want to say good-bye. THE OLD GUY Who are you? BETTY Uhhh, Betty. The concierge. Your boss. The Old Guy squints his eyes at the young gal. THE OLD GUY Oh yeah. Gotta light, sister? Goddam cigar went out. BETTY Yeah, sure. She speaks to the Old Guy as she lights his cigar and he puffs away. BETTY I just want you to know, from the owner and all the staff, your fifty years of service have been an inspiration to us all. You're a legend in your own time, and the Mon Signor will never be the -- THE OLD GUY Just forward my cigars, Red. (He turns around the walks out, saying over his shoulder) Aufwiedersehen! Betty is left standing in the lobby. Ted appears behind her in his bellbody uniform, sans cap. TED Sam the bellboy. Now there was a man. BETTY Yeah. Oh, hi, Teddy. Ready to start the night shift? TED Yeah. BETTY Well, let me buy you a drink. TED You wanna buy me a drink? I'm starting my shift. BETTY You're not an alcoholic, are you; one drink won't kill you. TED Yeah, sure. They walk out of frame. In the empty frame we SUPER: NEW YEAR'S EVE 7:00 P.M. INT. BACK ROOM--NIGHT Betty and Ted sit in the back room, both with drinks in their hand. This dialogue is to be delivered rapid fire, Howard Hawks style. BETTY After fifty years, Sam retires, and you're taking over the night shift. TED Correct. BETTY You're filling some mighty big shoes. TED Oh, I know. BETTY Sam was a legend in the hotel business. TED Oh, I know... BETTY A bellhop's bellhop. TED An inspiration to us all. BETTY He ran the night desk for fifty years, all by himself. TED An amazing man. BETTY No desk clerk. No night man. No help. Just fuckin' Sam, and his wits. TED A man alone. BETTY And you're gonna do the same. TED I know. BETTY Tonight. Ted spews his drink. TED Tonight! BETTY Yes, tonight. TED I can't. BETTY Yes, you can. TED No, I can't. I never worked the night shift before. BETTY Oh night shift -- smight shift. TED We were supposed to work it together. BETTY I know, but I can't. TED Why not? BETTY I'm having a New Year's Eve party. TED Since when? BETTY Actually, I'm not having it. My roommate is. And there's this guy. German guy. He's gonna be there. And so am I. TED I can't run this place by myself. BETTY Oh, sure ya can. TED No, I can't. BETTY Sam ran this place by himself for fifty years. TED Yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. I haven't had a day. BETTY Look, Teddy, calm down -- TED -- Don't call me Teddy. BETTY Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. The day's when it's busy. During the night there's nothing to do. TED It's New Year's Eve. BETTY Which'll make it less busy than normal. Ever worked on Christmas? Unless you sell turkeys, business is dead. You just got butterflies, that's all. TED What I have ain't butterflies. I can't handle this hotel all by myself. Betty slows the scene down. BETTY Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow it down, cool it off. Let's just talk. TED You can say any goddamn thing you want -- BETTY -- Ted? I thought we were calming down? I thought we were cooling off? No hostility. Say good-bye to hostility. We're just talking. TED Okay... okay... okay... I'm calm, I'm cool, let's talk. BETTY Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to do is hold the fort. It's New Year's Eve. Most of the guests are going out. You'll just be giving them a little nod as they come staggering in at three... four... five... in the morning. Nobody's having any parties, a few get-togethers, but no parties. You got about three people checking in tonight, that's it. The only variable is Chester Rush in the penthouse. TED Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky Detective? BETTY Yeah, him and his entourage checked in last night. They're in the penthouse. The only reason I refer to it as a variable is that he's a movie star. Ya never know about movie stars. I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's cake. Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down. BETTY (continuing) And look, if you have any problems, call me at the party. Ted thinks about it for a moment. TED Okay. BETTY Great -- TED -- For fifty bucks. BETTY Fifty bucks! TED You're shirking your duties for this Nazi. For that you pay a price, and the price is fifty bucks. BETTY One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's not a fair price. You're taking advantage of the situation. Twenty bucks. Now, twenty bucks is a fair price. TED Yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. And, you are completely and totally taking advantage of me and your position. So fifty bucks is the perfect price. Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse. BETTY Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't bother me unless it's an emergency. In fact, for fifty bucks, you better not call me unless the fuckin' building's burning down. She gives him the money. BETTY Get ready to take the desk. Betty leaves. Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the night. FADE TO BLACK STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 321 "STRANGE BREW" FADE IN: EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL--DUSK Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena. Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to lift it. ATHENA Pleeze be careful -- my God. You have no idea... Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at Ted, who is out of breath. ATHENA I'm usually a good tipper, but this one -- this cab driver -- he had green all around him. I don't like that in a man. Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest. TED Green? Is that bad? Like you read auras or something like that? ATHENA Something like that. TED Yeah, well what color are you seein' around me... how's the tip lookin? ATHENA I see purple... in your face, and... As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly oblivious. Athena looks back into his face. ATHENA ...you're okay. Ted touches his face -- as if searching for the "purple" in it -- and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused side glance. INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation. ATHENA Athena Z. TED (scratching his head -- weird name, okay) You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite -- just one night? With all this luggage? ATHENA I will only need to stay till sunrise. TED Okay... and how will you be paying? ATHENA With gold. He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly -- she pulls out her Gold Card and smiles. EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room. AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub. Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety -- then looks in front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed. ATHENA Well -- the other bag -- I need it. TED Right. He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly. TED What the hell you got in here, lady? Nuclear weapons? She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag. ATHENA (dryly) The White Cliffs of Dover. Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented. ATHENA The others will be coming soon. Send them, pleeze. Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway. TED Oh -- I forgot to show you how to turn on the Jacuzzi. But Athena is ahead of him -- she flips a switch and water begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub. ATHENA I been in dis' place many New Year's. So... you send the others to me, huh. Go now. As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite. IN THE SUITE BEDROOM A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine having an orgasm in this room -- unless it were achieved by laughing. Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows. Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled slippers. And these she places with reverence on the bed. ATHENA On this night, oh great goddess Diana, we restore your virgin flesh and bring you back to real life. CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact. ATHENA Soon -- I take you to the pond for a cleansing. Well, it's a swimming pool, but it will be under the setting sun, okay? INT. FRONT DESK--DUSK FALLS Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder. TED May I help you? ELSPETH I... we... have a reservation. Then she snaps, irritated, behind her. ELSPETH Kiva! ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva. Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands. KIVA Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies for this boring ass night. ELSPETH (to Ted) We have a reservation in the Honeymoon Suite. TED Oh yeah... you must be one of "the others." And what're you carrying -- the Rock of Gibraltar? She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva lights up. ELSPETH What'd I tell you about smoking? KIVA You smoke. ELSPETH That's right -- I smoke, and I'm addicted to it, and I don't want the same thing to happen to you. KIVA (in game-show host voice) "Hello -- welcome to this week's edition of the Hypocrite of the Year Award --" As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand. ELSPETH Kiva! That's enough -- She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly. KIVA You're not my mother! ELSPETH Yes I am. KIVA Then why're we sleeping together? Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here. Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny. ELSPETH Well... I didn't mean it... literally. I... I happen to be the only one who... cares about you -- But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered. ELSPETH Please -- take us to our room! Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator. AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace. But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle. ELSPETH Flea powder. One of the others is bringing her cat. Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and leaves. ELSPETH You're gonna have to wait in the other room. KIVA Why? ELSPETH Because I said so. KIVA I'll watch TV. ELSPETH You can't watch TV because the noise will interfere with our ritual. Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession. KIVA Okay... Mommy. Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts. Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom. Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with tender affection. ATHENA Soon -- our goddess will come. I will go get her negligee. Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible youth. ATHENA What are you doing! Have you no respect -- who -- who is dis girl? ELSPETH Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the TV! I can't leave her at home -- she's on probation and I gotta keep an eye on her. ATHENA Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot stay here during the ritual. She may be one of your kind, but she is not one of us. ELSPETH She stays!! Or I go -- along with my offering! The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out -- ATHENA TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN! KIVA (in a seductive pout) Make me... Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly demands from Elspeth -- ATHENA Let's not forget -- I am the High Fucking Priestess. Deal with dis girl! Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverence and respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom. ATHENA (eyes lifted to heaven, wearily) Tell me -- did we have these problems in Salem? I don't think so... IN THE BEDROOM Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch. ELSPETH Kiva... you know what I love about you? Kiva smirks... yeah, she knows. ELSPETH Your sweet side. KIVA And what do I get if I'm sweet? ELSPETH You get whatever you want. And you know what else I love about you? KIVA (seduced now) What? ELSPETH Your nose. And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word. ELSPETH And I saw you checking her out. Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place -- for now. IN THE HALLWAY/EXT. ELEVATOR--DUSK The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage -- and lots of it -- behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess. JEZEBEL (talking to her cat in baby talk) Oh you little stinker... oh you sweet little muffin. Yes... Mama loves the baby. AT THE DOOR Jezebel bursts in, chattering. JEZEBEL Well, this is just darlin'! Just darlin' Hi-dee, girls... Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all the more transformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her cat -- upward toward heaven -- frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh." Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip. JEZEBEL Toodle-loo. And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself. JEZEBEL Well -- I see Elspeth has herself a new lil' fool -- what the hell is she doin' here on our night of annual ritual? ATHENA (wearily) I have sanctioned her presence, as long as she behaves. Come on -- there is more work to be done to welcome our great Diana. KIVA I WANT ROOM SERVICE!! ELSPETH Why do I always attract girls who are looking for a babysitter? JEZEBEL Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall ain't the best place to find serious relationship material. Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent. IN THE HALLWAY Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand -- at least these lunachicks tip well. Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes. No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself. RAVEN I'm looking for the room for making love. TED You might be referring to the Honeymoon Suite. Straight thata way... you can't miss it -- see all that furniture in the hallway -- RAVEN Oh I know the way. I just wanted you to know that I knew where I was going and that you needn't bother yourself with me. The others are here -- great! TED (wearily) Oh yeah -- it's so great -- it's fantastic. RAVEN (in deep empathy) Ohhh... I know it all seems very strange but you're coping with us much better than the bellboys of past New Year's. TED Past New Year's? RAVEN Oh yes -- we've been coming here every New Year... for a long time. Thanks for your patience. TED Oh hey -- no problem -- wreck the place. Bring in cats. Ruin the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the Jacuzzi. Throw the furniture out the... where're your bags? RAVEN I travel very light. Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off. INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva. TED (already weary of these girls) Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite. EVA Oh... yes... I'm late. She lowers her eyes, worried. TED All right -- lemme give ya a hand. EVA Oh... no, that's all right. I can carry them by myself. She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags. TED I'm a man doin' a job -- no hero. Eva smiles, beautifully. EVA Well gosh -- thank you! IN THE ELEVATOR Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy quiet tension here. EVA Tell me, how long have the others been here? TED About an hour. Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in. IN THE SUITE The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other- earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva enters. ATHENA You are very late, Eva. EVA I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth and the placenta was late in coming. Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back. EVA Oh, wait, lemme give you a little more than that... Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse. ELSPETH Which birth is more important to you, that of a mortal or that of a goddess? EVA All life is precious... but I do apologize for being late, Elspeth. JEZEBEL Back home, they jist yank on the umbilical cord, do a Karate chop on the mama's belly, and them things come right out. EVA They do that here, too, Jezebel, in the hospitals, but it causes hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl of comfrey tea and it brought the afterbirth down perfectly. The couple are going to use it for fertilizer to plant a lovely tree for their baby. KIVA Oh wow -- if they were really back- to-nature, they'd eat it, like other mammals do. CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out. RAVEN In some Native American cultures, they dry the umbilical cord, grind it to a fine powder, and put it in a leather pouch that the baby wears to ward off evil. But burying the placenta is also a very sound ecological practice -- 'cause of the oxygen it carries. EVA (cheerfully to the others) Yes -- because you see when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall... TED (wincing in disgust) Uh, thank you, ladies -- I'll be going now. If you need anything -- Eva places a nice tip in his palm. ATHENA Wait. We do need a few things. Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize into the garments. ATHENA We need fresh rosemary from the kitchen. Mostly what we need is from the kitchen. Hey, are you listening? Ted is watching Eva, enchanted. TED Yeah, yeah, rosemary. ATHENA And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher salt if you don't got no sea salt. A bottle of spring water -- Italian please, not French shit. KIVA And some french fries! ELSPETH Kiva, shut up. ATHENA (irritated) And some ginger, two of the eyes of a trout fish, and a piece of raw meat, liver if you have it. KIVA (whining) I want fries -- you dumb jerks with your stupid fucking ritual! ATHENA Shut up, you little shit. ELSPETH Don't talk to her that way! Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva. Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks. ATHENA Get to work, man. Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials. Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping irreverently in the water. ELSPETH Kiva... KIVA What? ELSPETH You have to go in the next room now. KIVA Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I can't watch. (whining at Elspeth) I'm bored! ELSPETH UP! She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet. KIVA Don't put me in there by myself. I'll miss you way too much. ELSPETH Kiva, don't do this to me. Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly. KIVA Please... if you just lemme... I'll play dress-up with you, the way you like it... you know what I mean... remember...? Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on softer seduction. KIVA We can pretend and I'll do it exactly... the way you want it... with the egg whites and the kilt. Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it lightly on her face. ELSPETH You mean... like last week? Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life -- in front of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an impatient and stern Athena. Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture. ELSPETH We'll talk about this later, Kiva. KIVA (angrily) No! She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair. JEZEBEL Aw, really now -- child abuse? ELSPETH You stay outta this! ATHENA I demand this stop now, Elspeth! Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her. KIVA I'm running away from you! ELSPETH Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your parole officer and she'll find you and send you back to Eastlake! Kiva stomps off into the bedroom. ATHENA Now that the fucking melodrama is over, can we start the goddamn ritual -- pleeze? Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They anoint themselves with oils. ATHENA We are communing here on New Year's Eve to bring to life the great goddess Diana, who was turned to stone in this very room forty years ago today. The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the circle. ATHENA Diana, great beautiful one, we make these offerings to you, that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you of the seed of your lover, your virginal blood, of your very life. We now form the symbolic rock with our bodies. And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi. They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi. ATHENA On this night, in this hour, we Call upon the Ancient Power O Goddess bride, I offer thee Milk from a mother's sweet titty! Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her offering in a vial. ELSPETH To reverse the evil which has been done I make this offering to the Divine One A whore not, an innocent was, For whom I seized a virgin's blood. JEZEBEL Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, To undo this awful spell is a real must. To bring you life and get you high I offer the sweat of five men's thighs. The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor. RAVEN Diana, oh great one, we live without sun Until this wicked curse is undone. In hope that you live, and to us appear, I have collected a year's worth of tears. She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she goes. Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant. EVA Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will, I was to bring fresh sperm from my Bill. I had him erect, and his semen would follow But alas I was hot, so hot that I swallowed. The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her eyes, wildly. ATHENA You stupid little witch! You swallowed the sperm! Aye-yi--yi! Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly. ELSPETH It just shows what an amazing lack of control you have over yourself, Eva! JEZEBEL Honey, why didn't you just use your hands? Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth? RAVEN I understand though... Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm. ATHENA There is no time to cry over swallowed sperms. You're gonna have to get some, baby. You have one hour to prove what kind of witch you really are. Just then: a knock at the door. ATHENA (calling out) What do you want?! TED Ted... the bellboy. Athena smiles and turns to Eva. ATHENA Mr. Bellboy, come right in! Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels in the cart. TED Here's the things you asked for. Oh, and uhh, sorry, but I'm not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish. He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him comtemptuously. ATHENA (handing Ted 50 bucks) Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar tip, only, you have to do one more thing... make our little Eva smile. Can you? We'll leave you alone. (to Eva, firmly) And don't use your mouth! The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl. IN THE HALLWAY The other witches listen at the door. ELSPETH If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to take him myself. JEZEBEL Ha! That'll be a first for you. ELSPETH Oh shit -- Kiva! She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the bedroom door. ELSPETH And just where do you think you're going? KIVA Well, gawd -- I need a candy bar or something -- you haven't fed me all day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood sugar's really low. JEZEBEL Elspeth -- honestly now -- some babysitter you're turnin' out ta be! ATHENA Enough, girls. I will collect fresh earth. Jezebel, I want you to gather damp moss. Raven, you bring me a birch branch. Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get this guy off. The witches disperse. INT. HONEYMOON SUITE--NIGHT Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly. TED Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this fifty bucks! EVA Oh look, they don't care if I smile or not! All they want is... Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand. EVA You won't understand, believe me. She begins to cry tearfully again. TED Try me. I've been around, y'know. He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain. EVA Well... okay. The five of us -- Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena, Raven and me -- are a coven. TED Ha, like a coven of witches? EVA Yes. TED (stunned) Oh. He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture... and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up. TED I knew that! EVA (getting calmer) And you see, our coven has spent forty years trying to perfect a ritual to undo a wicked curse put on our goddess Diana. TED Gee, you don't look a day over twenty! EVA Oh... ha ha... I mean the witches before us tried and failed. But Athena, our High Priestess, discovered a great potion to reverse the evil spell which turned our beautiful goddess into an old rock. TED (looking at the rock) Yeah? Is... is that her? Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone. EVA She was a beautiful virgin. An entertainer by trade, but a great sorceress by design. It was here in this very room, on her wedding night, a jealous rival placed the curse on Diana. TED She turned to -- that -- here? EVA Yes... and her young husband turned into a pink fish! They found him swimming in the pool in circles. While our dear goddess: a stone in her honeymoon bed. Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and hands it to Ted. EVA This was Diana. CLOSE ON photo: a Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked high heel. TED This girl here? This is the goddess Diana? The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek tango. CLOSE ON Ted as he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him? TED I hate to tell you this, but I kinda doubt she was a virgin. EVA Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. Which is the example I've tried to follow: to do everything but that till I marry... She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her. TED Hey, don't cry... a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. If you say she was a virgin, I'll believe it. EVA Well, it doesn't matter now... and she won't be resurrected tonight 'cause I failed her. I let my whole coven down! TED Wait a sec -- that rock was gonna turn back into this? He holds up the photo. Eva nods. TED Now, that would be something worth seeing! EVA Only, not now -- we were each supposed to bring something -- a life fluid. TED (wincing in disgust) If this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations, I don't think I wanna hear this. EVA Only... I swallowed it... TED You swallowed what? Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now. TED You mean, you were supposed to bring... like... like a guy's... and you...? She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless. EVA And now, you're my last chance! TED (laughing) Yeah, sure. (then -- panic) Whoa, what? You want my -- for the -- witchy poo -- ahh no -- no way -- nope. Besides, it's against hotel policy. I was warned: "No sex with the clientele"! Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle. TED Ha, c'mon now, joke's over. (seeing this is no joke) Hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder. EVA That's not flea powder, that's sacred dust ground from the horns of Albino goats. TED Right! I knew that! He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her gaze. TED What's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway? EVA Well, see, what I really want to do is be a midwife. I've attended four births already! I can prevent vaginal tears and everything. TED (trying to dodge her hexing eyes) Well, that's a good thing! A guy doesn't like surprises down there. All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle. EVA I joined the coven to attain greater understanding of my feminine power so I could become a truly great midwife! TED (the hex working now) Oh, well, I see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your... girl powers... Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast. EVA Do you really think so? TED (buckling under the temptation) Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be the case... (she licks his neck; his eyes roll back heavenly) Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me! EVA Who's Betty -- your girlfriend? TED No. My boss. EVA Oh good! TED Oh no! They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HALLWAY--NIGHT Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card. EVA My phone number in Topanga. Call me? TED (cocky) Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a call. She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb. KIVA What's that used for? RAVEN It's a birch branch, symbolizing eternal life. You can also use the bark for a tea which assists in astral travel. KIVA Hey -- I wanna be a witch! The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the room. IN THE SUITE Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles. EVA I'm a woman now! ATHENA But where is his "stuff"? EVA (pointing to the Jacuzzi) We did it right there, in the big cauldron! JEZEBEL Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore tomorra! Didn't your mama teach you that water strips a girl's lubrication? RAVEN Sex in water is great in the movies, not in real life... but you will learn. As we all did. JEZEBEL Yeah, when she can't walk... (to Elspeth) I guess you wouldn't have those kinds of problems -- without penetration. ELSPETH No. And virtually no cervical cancer, either. ATHENA Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with our ritual, goddammit. Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other witches -- not sure she likes this -- but she goes with it. The witches sway in a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering. EVA Goddess Diana, I offer you The jism of one I wooed for you That you may live and know such bliss Of getting laid by a guy like this. The witches all incant. ALL OF THE WITCHES So must it be. Three times three times three. They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over. DISSOLVE TO: HOURS LATER Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV... so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab. ATHENA I don't understand what went wrong. ELSPETH I say Eva pulled one over on us. EVA What? JEZEBEL Honey -- Eva was wearing the face of someone just fucked good... and the best actress in this world, or any other, can't fake a thing like that! ELSPETH Exactly -- if she was fucked so good, how could she save his come? RAVEN It could be done... ATHENA Girls, knock it off. (she looks up from the book) Maybe... maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male. EVA (dreamily) He was no virgin! The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes the slab. ATHENA Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come back for her before checkout time. I just... feel too sad to carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her. They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out. JEZEBEL (cuddling her cat) I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama would have a hissy fit! KIVA (flirtatiously) I'll carry your bags. ELSPETH (firmly) You're carrying my bags! They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore -- "ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab. ATHENA Next year, we try again -- with virgin sperm. She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!). FADE TO BLACK. FOUR ROOMS FADE UP ON: INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY--NIGHT Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side. TED Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and cookies, or do you not? (pause) I can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents. (pause, he checks his computer) That's not what the machine tells me. (pause) You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. He hangs up. TED (to himself) Goddamn kids. SUPER: 1:00 a.m. The phone rings again. TED Room Service. INT. ROOM 404--NIGHT A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background. YUPPIE SCUM What room am I in? INT. FRONT DESK--NIGHT BACK AND FORTH TED This is the front desk, sir. The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore. YUPPIE SCUM What room are we in? REAL THEODORE How should I know? I just got here. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) You know, don't you have one of those light things? TED If you care to go to the door and look on the other side, you'll find the room number. YUPPIE SCUM (to Real Theodore) Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on. REAL THEODORE Who's your assistant? YUPPIE SCUM The girl you party with every night. REAL THEODORE (to himself) Who? TED I'm here alone, sir. REAL THEODORE It's room 404, I think. YUPPIE SCUM I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor. REAL THEODORE Right. 404. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) Right. 404. TED What do you need, sir? YUPPIE SCUM (to Real Theodore) What do we need? REAL THEODORE Ice. YUPPIE SCUM Ice? REAL THEODORE Ice. YUPPIE SCUM (into phone) Ice. TED Ice. YUPPIE SCUM Yeah. Ice. TED Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily. CUT TO: STORY TITLE CARD: ROOM 404 "THE WRONG MAN" INT. DARK HALLWAY Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something like "Room 404." Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room. INT. ROOM TED Anybody home? A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness. MAN'S VOICE No one here but us chickens. TED Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir. MAN'S VOICE What do you expect, Theodore, a fuckin' floor show? TED Do I know you? MAN'S VOICE I don't know. Do you? In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the bucket to the floor. TED I brought your ice. SIGFRIED That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss. TED This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404? SIGFRIED Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore? TED A very upset man? Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela. SIGFRIED (to Angela) I am an upset man, Theodore. TED How do you know my name, sir? SIGFRIED I'm psychic, Theodore. TED Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time. SIGFRIED Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing, Theodore. The fact is you're here. Sigfried turns to Angela. SIGFRIED (continuing) And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve. TED Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're fucking wrong here. My name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I hate the name. But I'm a fucking bellhop. People call me Ted. I work here. Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock. SIGFRIED Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about things like when you broke in your first mitt -- (pause) That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E? But let's cut to the chase, okay? TED Okay. SIGFRIED So apologize! A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants. TED For what? Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back. SIGFRIED You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore. Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth. TED Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I could help you with your problem I would. SIGFRIED What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm FUCKING INSENSITIVE!! TED Look, is this about another man? Or something? Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends down next to Ted. SIGFRIED Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right? TED Ted's better. SIGFRIED Ted, okay... Are you saying my wife cheats on me? TED I didn't say that... I... SIGFRIED Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible response. I demand an apology! The phone rings. SIGFRIED Don't move. I've got to take this. Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone. SIGFRIED (into phone) What? (pause) We ain't got any needles here, kid. Just a big fucking gun. He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up. SIGFRIED (to Ted) Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember. Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position. SIGFRIED I want you to pray for forgiveness, Theodore. Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose. SIGFRIED (continuing) Now say after me, "I apologize..." TED I apologize... SIGFRIED For what? Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense, wide-open eyes. SIGFRIED For fucking what? TED That I said you might have been unfaithful? SIGFRIED "That I said you might have been unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore, you're in church here... you're kneeling in front of an altar. Truth... truth is all it hears. Say the following, "I, Theodore, must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you fucked another man!" Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela. SIGFRIED (continuing) Satisfied? Angela nods. SIGFRIED (continuing) Do you accept the fucking apology? Naturally, Angela says nothing. SIGFRIED (continuing) You always gotta get the last word, don't you? It's one way with you, Angela, isn't it? I give and I give and I get nothing back. Sigfried turns to Ted. SIGFRIED (continuing) She just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops... Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough. SIGFRIED (continuing) Stupid me, for a second I thought you were going to say something... something like, "I'm sorry." HA! "I'm sorry." You're absolutely right, love cakes, I wouldn't want it that way. That's one thing you can say about Angela. She'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. If the feeling ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. There is nothing in this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't want to. Never let that happen to you, Theodore. It makes you feel very little indeed. Ted beckons Sigfried. TED You mind if I...? SIGFRIED Go ahead. Spit it out. TED I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I think she was trying to say yes. SIGFRIED Are you condescending to me, Theodore? TED Absolutely not, I would never do that. SIGFRIED Why don't you just say it? TED Say what? SIGFRIED That you think I'm an idiot. TED I would never say that. SIGFRIED You think you're superior to me, don't ya, Theodore? You don't think I notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth. TED Of course you do. SIGFRIED Naturally "of course." And do you know how I know that? TED How, sir? SIGFRIED Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about communication, Theodore. It's all in the eyes... (points the gun at Ted) Him? (turns the gun on himself) Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's drag it out. Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom. INT. ROOM Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out. TED What! ANGELA We don't have time to play charades here, asshole! Untie me quick. TED Listen, lady, I don't know what in the hell is going on here, but I'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase that he's making a big mistake. ANGELA Look, whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a situation here you can't just wish your way out of. TED But I've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers. ANGELA Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, it's where we end up that counts. Hurry up. Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not. TED I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard. ANGELA Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many times you change your underwear in a lifetime? On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations. ANGELA I don't mean literally, you ignoramus. TED What? ANGELA Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind the bed, it's loaded... TED I'm not going to shoot anybody. ANGELA Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody." TED And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband? Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela. TED That's not fair. It just isn't fair. ANGELA Get a fucking grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here, fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping on tea. Ted collects himself. TED Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides to this thing. ANGELA There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one. Now GET THE GUN! TED So why's he got you tied up? ANGELA I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun! Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm. ANGELA Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy. Ted creeps towards her. ANGELA That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when you're self- assured. Sigfried suddenly comes to life... He's heard from the bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream... she-boom, she- boom." ANGELA (she panics) Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and remember the gun! Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth. TED Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the best of my estimation. INT. ROOM Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom. SIGFRIED I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore. Silly me. Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips. TED I was just trying to help her breathe a little. SIGFRIED Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling you Teddy, do you? TED That's fine. SIGFRIED I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you, Teddy... no need to play sneaky-poo. Ted starts to back toward the door. TED Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no way. SIGFRIED (shouts at the top of his lungs) I said, nibble, asshole! Now! The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close. TED (whispers) Sorry, lady. Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela. SIGFRIED What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not cramping your style, am I? TED Look, I'm not playing this game anymore. Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him. SIGFRIED It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to Mommy. Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts out the following monologue. TED My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T... E... D... TED... NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE... TED... Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED! Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand. SIGFRIED Sigfried. TED What? SIGFRIED My name is Sigfried. TED Sigfried? Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted. SIGFRIED Yah, Sigfried. TED Nice to meet you, Sigfried. Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand. SIGFRIED Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the Thumper?"... Ouch. It's a deal, kid. Ted it will be. TED Thanks. Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun. TED You okay, mister? I'll get help! Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom. TED (continuing) That's the wrong door, sir. Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his. SIGFRIED Get me the nitro... it's in the bathroom cabinet. Now! Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM--SAME TIME Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked "Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet. He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break. Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet- bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the apartment. SIGFRIED (O.S.) (shouting in the distance) It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, I'm fucking dying here! EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW--NIGHT Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW--NIGHT Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody hand print. It's not his blood. EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE--NIGHT Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself. TED Hi... No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from his face and he is mumbling something. TED Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation that I can't even begin to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? Could you call the police, please? Silence. TED (continuing) You okay? The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor. He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd... the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom. CUT TO: INT. HOTEL BEDROOM--MOMENTS LATER Ted looks around the still room. No one's there. TED Sigfried? He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him. ANGELA Where's the fucking nitro? TED I couldn't find it! ANGELA You took long enough. Untie me, for Christ's sake, you fucking upset him and he's dying. Ted struggles to untie Angela. TED I thought you wanted to kill him. ANGELA You'd make a great cop, Theodore. The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie. TED I can't handle this alone, I'd better get help. Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the whole conversation. SIGFRIED I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted? TED Thank God you're okay... SIGFRIED Never felt better. Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back. ANGELA You bastard! SIGFRIED (to Angela) Come on, honey, don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad I did it because now I'll know forever that you really do love me. Truly and deeply. ANGELA If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very fucking moment. SIGFRIED Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted? TED I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding. Ted edges his way toward the door. TED (continuing) You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger. ANGELA You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife. You should at least have the guts to stand by your convictions. Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting out of the room. TED That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God. Angela continues her tirade. ANGELA When I think of all the times you were inside me promising me a better life, it makes me want to puke. Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest. TED Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people? ANGELA What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock. The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest... his legs weaken. SIGFRIED (whimpering) He's got a huge cock? TED She's lying again, mister. It's not that big. SIGFRIED Show it to me. TED Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's fucking with you? ANGELA Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby with Ted here. SIGFRIED Show it to me. ANGELA Show him your cock, Theodore. Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her. SIGFRIED Stop talking about his cock, will you?! ANGELA It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang, thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool, Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee, wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle-leg, third- leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick. Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted watches the man crumble. ANGELA (continuing) Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft, sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter, instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log, pole. Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace. SIGFRIED Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on. TED It's not me, mister, I swear. SIGFRIED Personally, I don't give a fuck, Ted, it's just I don't want to be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable. Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit. SIGFRIED (continuing) No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't sink its teeth into. TED That's beautiful. SIGFRIED Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted? TED Yes, actually. SIGFRIED Things take on a whole new perspective... You'd like my trust, wouldn't you, Ted? TED Yes I would. SIGFRIED I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go. TED Okay. Okay. SIGFRIED Tell me straight now. TED What? SIGFRIED What was it like? TED What was what like? SIGFRIED You know, you and her. TED Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say? SIGFRIED Either way you're fucked, right? You ever gonna see her again, Theodore? TED If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way. SIGFRIED Promise? TED I promise. Sigfried releases Ted and stands up. SIGFRIED You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid. You open that box and they disappear forever. A bad secret will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. In the end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll have left are you secrets. And when you