"FATAL INSTINCT" Screenplay by David O'Malley SHOOTING DRAFT FADE IN ON: EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER - NIGHT The sultry dampness of a blistering summer hangs in the night air. People stroll the boardwalk looking for a cool breeze. The soft rhythms of a jazz concert float from the band shell. CLOSE SHOT - A PAIR OF SEXY HIGH HEELS and a woman's shapely legs, walking along the wooden pier. OPENING TITLES & CREDITS OVER. After several steps, a discarded piece of gum sticks to one of her shoes, stretching out stickily. Two steps later, a piece of paper sticks to the gum, flopping awkwardly with each step. The MOVING CAMERA PANS UP her gorgeous legs and sensuous body. She wears a loose summer dress that floats like gossamer around her soft curves. Her hair is long and blond. NED (V.O.) To some guys, women are like a cheap puzzle... with pieces that just don't fit. They think the soul of a woman is darker than a back alley... more tangled than a telephone cord... and colder than a Klondike Bar in Canada. But those guys don't even have a clue. She stops at the railing. We see an incredibly beautiful face and cool, alluring eyes. This is LOLA CAIN. The term "femme fatale" was coined for her. She's on display... and knows it. NED (V.O.) When you know women the way I do, you understand exactly what what makes them tick... what makes them hum... what makes them jiggle up and down when they walk. And it's not the kind of thing you can learn from a correspondence course. The CAMERA MOVES with her as she walks on, passing TWO MEN whose eyes are glued to her. We HOLD ON THEM. One is NED RAVINE, in his thirties, stalwart, handsome, hair trimmed neatly, but with a feel of loose ends about him... coat slung over his shoulder, sleeves rolled up, the sweat dampening his shirt. He's a cop. A plain clothes detective who's been around the block a few times and still gets lost. Next to him is ARCH, his partner. Older, if not in years, at least in mileage. Dependable, solid, with no great aspirations except to reach the end of a shift intact. He's eating Nachos from a cardboard container, licking the cheese off his fingers. The CAMERA PUSHES IN to NED. His eyes are fixed on Lola. ANGLE - LOLA - NED'S POV She walks to the other side of the pier... as more paper sticks to the gum on her shoe. She stands at the railing. NED (V.O.) There are two kinds of women in this world... and I've known 'em both. ANGLE - ARCH Arch heaves an exasperated sigh and looks toward Ned. The CAMERA PULLS BACK to INCLUDE NED. It isn't "voice-over" narration at all. Ned is actually talking out loud. NED (V.O.) One will take you for a fast ride on a bumpy road with no seat belt. But the other kind... ARCH (interrupts) Jeez... knock off the chatter, will ya. NED Just trying to keep you awake, Arch. ARCH I'm awake! Where do you come up with all that crap about women? NED It's true. Women are very complex, but if you know how to read 'em... they're an open book. You can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches. ARCH Are you kiddin'? NED I'd stake my career on it. Anybody ever proves me wrong, I'll throw away my badge. ARCH Aayyhh... women are trouble... NED I used to believe that too. Until I married Lana. Now, she... is a peach. ARCH Yeah, well you're a lucky stiff, pal. Ya hold down two jobs. Got a beautiful wife waitin' for ya at home. Everything a guy could ever want, including NO kids. NED I'd love to have kids. ARCH What?! Rug-rats? Give me a break! (looks around) Jeez, I hate stakeouts. What makes you think Milo's gonna show up here? NED Logic. He knocked off all those banks. He's got cash. He's gonna want to spend it. This is one of the few places that still takes cash. Sooner or later... he's gotta turn up. ARCH And how we s'posed to recognize this scumbag? NED The "Support Hose Bandit"? When you see him... you'll know him. In the b.g., MILO CRUMLEY, the "Support Hose Bandit", ambles by casually, unnoticed, sucking on a cherry Snow-Cone through the panty-hose pulled down over his head. ARCH These are the best damn Nachos in North America. Maybe the world! He pops the last chip in his mouth, licks his fingers and turns the container over. ARCH I'm empty. I'm gonna get a refill. You want some? Ned shakes his head. Arch heads off to the Nacho stand. Ned steps over to the railing... gazes out at the ocean. A SAXOPHONE begins to wail a scorching, romantic melody... a recurrent tune that will come to be known as LOLA'S THEME. A beat later... Lola moves to Ned's side at the railing. He tries to ignore her presence, peering into the darkness. Lola digs in her purse for a pack of cigarettes. LOLA Got a light? NED Sure. Ned pulls out a small flashlight, shines it in her purse. She pulls a cigarette out of the pack, puts it to her lips... her eyes on Ned, sizing him up. LOLA How about a match? NED No thanks. I have plenty. He pulls out a handful of matchbooks, shows her, then stuffs them back in his pocket. He turns and walks along the pier. She falls into step beside him, lighting her own cigarette. A saxophone player named DIZZY follows behind them, continuing to play. He's the actual source of the romantic THEME MUSIC we've been hearing. LOLA You really are incredibly stupid, aren't you? I like that in a man. NED I'd be insulted, but I know you're serious. LOLA You sound so sure of yourself. NED I'm not as dumb as I look. LOLA Let me buy you a drink, Mr. uh... NED Ravine. Ned Ravine. And you are...? LOLA Thirsty. What about that drink? NED I'm on duty. LOLA Brain surgeon? NED Cop. LOLA Oooo... and I bet you have a big gun. NED You lose. Lola looks toward a nearby hot dog vendor. LOLA If I can't buy you a drink... (nods toward vendor) ...let me buy you one of those. NED Who can say no to a weiner? LOLA Not me. Lola turns to the hot dog VENDOR, raising two fingers. LOLA Two dogs. Hot. She takes them... hands one to Ned. He picks up the plastic mustard container to put mustard on her hot dog first. NED You come here often? LOLA Only when I'm in heat. Ned REACTS to this, squeezing the container. A stream of mustard squirts out, hitting the front of Lola's dress. NED Oh! Sorry. Flustered, he stuffs his hot dog into his inside jacket pocket, then tries to wipe the mustard off Lola's dress, smearing it all over her, making it worse. She watches him with a cool, detached gaze as he fumbles ingenuously. Suddenly, Ned stops, looking off. He sees... Milo Crumley going into the PUBLIC RESTROOM. Ned starts to leave. Lola grabs his hand, holding it tightly against her breast. LOLA Where ya going? NED Get something to wipe it off. LOLA That's okay. You're doing just fine. NED I'll get you a wet paper towel. He heads for the men's room... signaling to Arch, who's waiting in line at the Nacho stand. Arch motions at the long line... all UNIFORMED COPS... shrugging helplessly. INT. MEN'S ROOM ON PIER - NIGHT Several MEN are at the urinals. Milo, still wearing the panty hose over his head, washes his face at the sink. He looks up, sees Ned enter. Ned sees Milo... reacts, pulling the frankfurter out of his pocket and pointing it. NED Hold it right there, Milo! The Men turn, seeing Ned pointing the frankfurter. RESTROOM PATRON Look out! He's got a weenie! Milo bolts, slamming into Ned, knocking him back through the door of a stall, into the lap of the MAN inside. EXT. MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT Milo bursts out, colliding with Arch. They both go down in a flurry of Nacho chips and cheese. Arch helps Milo to his feet, apologizing profusely... picking up the gun that Milo dropped, handing it back to him. Milo sprints off down the pier. A beat later, Ned bursts out the door... dashing after Milo. ANGLE - ALONG THE PIER Milo runs frantically, knocking people aside! He ducks into... INT. BUMPER CAR PAVILION - NIGHT ...and drags a FLUSTERED MAN out of a bumper car, jumps in, and speeds away! A beat later, Ned runs up, followed by Arch. Ned flashes his badge at a FRECKLE-FACED KID in one of the bumper cars. NED Police emergency! I need your car! He pulls the kid out, jumps in, slaps a portable FLASHING RED LIGHT on the dashboard... then speeds off after Milo, a SIREN WAILING! He zig-zags through the crush of other bumper cars in the pavilion. Ned's bumper car catches up with Milo, pulling alongside. Milo turns the wheel, RAMMING Ned! Ned RAMS him back, both bumper cars swerving violently... spraying SPARKS! Ned SLAMS Milo's car again! Milo loses control, spins out and SMASHES into the pavillion railing! Ned swerves to avoid a collision, but RAMS into two other bumper cars, wrenching to a grinding halt. A BEAT. The AIRBAG inflates in his bumper car. Arch runs up as Ned pulls himself from the wreckage. They turn to see Milo leap from his mangled bumper car, leap over the pavillion railing and dash down the pier and into an alley between two buildings. A sign on the building says: DEAD END ALLEY. Ned and Arch eye each other, shake their heads, and follow after Milo. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. IN THE ALLEY Milo runs into a tall chain link fence at the end of the alley and scrambles up the wire mesh. Suddenly, Ned's hand shoots out, grabs Milo's ankle, yanking him down hard. Milo jumps to his feet, swinging at Ned, who catches Milo's fist with his hand, stopping it cold... neatly snapping a handcuff on his wrist. He shoves Milo's arm against the fence and snaps the other cuff to the chainlink. A SWITCHBLADE flashes out of Milo's other hand with a sharp CLICK! Milo slashes the blade at Ned, just missing his face. On the backswing, Ned parries with his own switchblade and flips Milo's knife away. Milo pulls a .45 Calibre REVOLVER with his free hand! Ned shoves his finger into the end of the barrel. Milo looks surprised... then sneers, clicking the hammer back. NED You take science in high school, Milo? MILO I skipped high school, cop! NED Then you're probably not familiar with the theory of inverse proportionate explosive dynamics. MILO What about it? NED If you fire a weapon with the barrel obstructed, the explosive force multiplies by twenty-three point five nine eight and reverses on itself with diametric polarity? MILO Yeah. So? NED The gun will blow up in your hand... and it won't even scorch my pinkie. MILO Ha! That's just theoretical hypothesis. Inverse proportionate explosive dynamics has never been demonstrated conclusively in a laboratory environment. NED Oh yeah. Then pull the trigger, smart guy. Let's find out. Milo hesitates, unsure. Finally, he releases the gun. Ned raises it up on the end of his finger. Arch pulls it off with a loud POP! Ned cuffs Milo's hands behind him... spins him around. NED You have the right to remain silent... next... if you waive that right, anything you say... next... REVEAL ARCH holding up a series of "cue cards"... as Ned reads from them. NED ...may be used against you in a court of law... next... You have the right to an attorney... Do you have an attorney? MILO Nahhhh! NED Then today's your lucky day... He flips out a business card, handing it to Milo. ANGLE - THE BUSINESS CARD It reads... "Ned Ravine - Defense Attorney" EXT. NED'S HOUSE - DAWN Large. Expensive. Impressive. The name on the mailbox reads "Ned and Lana Ravine." We begin to HEAR the O.S. SOUND of passionate lovemaking! OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOUSE - DAWN The CAMERA MOVES up the stairs, into the bedroom. Still O.S., we hear more heavy breathing... urgent whispers... lust... passion... squeaky bedsprings! A trail of clothes is scattered before us on the way to the bed... shoes, a dress, slip, bra, nylons, panties... greasy coveralls with a "Frank Kelbo - Mobile Mechanic" namepatch, dirty work boots, a wrench and a gigantic grease gun... The bed shakes violently. A female VOICE calls the shots as various tools drop to the floor. LANA (O.S.) Oh yes, Frank! Adjust the stroke by ten percent! That's it. (CLUNK! A wrench) Now tweak my points. Oh yes, oh yes! (THUNK! Pliers) You got it! Stabilize your ball joints and grind my rear differential! (CLINK! Screwdriver) Now accelerate! Floor it! Lay rubber, baby! VRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM! A beat. The LIGHT clicks ON. LANA; a sexy redhead with a cool, manipulative edge, and FRANK; a slick, smarmy Lothario, lay under the sheets, panting, glistening with sweat. Lana reaches for a pack of "Fatal 100's" on the bedside table. LANA Not bad for an auto mechanic... FRANK (grins, cocky) Yeah, well you're not so bad yourself... for a lawyer's wife... LANA Better watch your tongue, sweetie, or I'll have my husband arrest you. FRANK Busy man. Cop and a lawyer. When does he ever find time for you? She lights a cigarette... exhales a soft, gloomy cloud. LANA He doesn't. That's why I need you to keep my engine tuned, Frank. Why drive a jalopy when you can have a hot rod? FRANK Maybe you should trade him in on a new model. LANA I would... if I could make any money on the deal. FRANK (reaches for her) Want to go for another test drive? The SOUND of an automobile engine outside. Lana stops him. LANA Pull over and park it, Frank. I'm still under warranty. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Ned glances at the white van parked in the driveway, then takes note of his wife's silver Mercedes... sitting on floor jacks, the hood raised, tools spread out around it. INT. HOUSE - THE KITCHEN - MORNING Ned enters. Lana wears a diaphanous dressing gown, buttoned unevenly, hair disheveled. She smokes a cigarette. NED Morning sweetheart. Ned kisses her on the back of the neck as he passes through the kitchen on his way to the dining room. She reacts with bored, contemptuous disinterest, picking up the coffee pot. LANA Uh huh. Want some coffee? Ned steps back into the kitchen with his briefcase. NED No thanks. Ned sees Frank sitting at the kitchen table, hair messed up, coveralls hastily pulled on inside-out. Frank is reading a copy of INSURANCE DIGEST magazine. A headline on the cover touts an article: "LIFE INSURANCE FOR YOUR CAT!... Cover All Nine Lives For The Price of One!" Ned's smile fades. LANA Frank here was just grabbing a little before going back to work on my car. He steps over to the table... gives Frank a cool stare. NED How long you been working on Lana's Mercedes, Frank? FRANK (shrugs) Oh... I don't know... six, seven weeks. NED And ya still haven't found the problem? FRANK (a leering smile) Think I got my finger on it though. Ned turns to Lana. NED I know what he's doing, Lana. I wasn't born yesterday. He's not fixing your car. He's SCREWING you! Lana tenses up at this. Frank freezes. He figures they've been busted. He sits there, holding the magazine, not moving a muscle... as Ned turns on him. NED YOU are screwing my wife! I can see what your game is, Frank. You open up her hood, poke around in there... squirt some lubrication in... play around with all her parts... then take an old used piston and stick it in... then pull it out... in, out, in, out! Every day! There's no end to it. You just keep coming and COMING!... and the bill just gets bigger and BIGGER! Lana braces herself against the sink, breathless... turned on by Ned's description. Ned goes to her, sympathetic. NED But you don't see it, do you, Lana? You're too good... too pure. You can't see the evil in people like him. (turns to Frank) Well, you're not getting away with it, pal. I'm pulling the plug! You're fired! LANA (breathless) Ned... don't you have to be somewhere? NED (checks his watch) Oh... yeah. Thanks, honey. I'm late for court. He goes to kiss her mouth and she turns her cheek to him. He looks at her lovingly... touches her face tenderly. NED You are so naive. He picks up his briefcase, gives Frank a nasty look, then exits thru the back door. Lana and Frank stare at each other lustfully, really hot now! Frank sweeps the dishes off the table with his arm. Lana leaps into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. He lays her down on the kitchen table, standing over her. Suddenly, Ned opens the back door, glaring right at Frank... not even noticing Lana on the table. NED Finish your coffee... then GET OUT! He slams the door. A beat. Lana and Frank begin to devour each other with passionate kisses. Another beat. The front doorbell RINGS once... then again. FRANK Who's that? LANA Just the postman. He always rings twice. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY Richly appointed with stately oak, walls lined with law books. As in all "Noir" thrillers, venetian blinds cast dramatic slashes of light and ceiling fans turn lazily in every room. Ned hurries in, rummaging through the files on his desk. LAURA, a strikingly lovely brunette, enters from the outer office, files in hand. She is Ned's astute, dedicated, self- sacrificing "girl-friday" and legal secretary. She keeps his life from spinning crazily apart. She absolutely adores him. NED Laura... do you know where...? LAURA (hands him file) Right here. The judge decided to skip arraignment and take Milo direct to trial. You're six minutes late, but don't sweat it. You got Judge Allen. He's always eleven minutes late. She picks up a lawbook, flips it open to a dog-eared page. LAURA I suggest you try Lemming versus Florida, 1956... where the guy jumped in the water and everybody followed. NED (thinks about it) Yeah. Good idea. He smiles gratefully... drops the file into his briefcase. Ned heads for the office washroom. Laura darts ahead of him into the washroom and turns the water on. Ned steps in... splashes some water on his face. Laura grabs a towel from the rack where three small towels hang neatly... hands it to Ned. He dries his face, looking at her with genuine fondness and gratitude. NED I don't know what I'd do without you? She glances toward the toilet, notices it hasn't been flushed. She FLUSHES it, lowers the seat. LAURA Really? She sits down on the toilet seat, watching him adoringly as he shaves with an electric razor. NED Laura, how long have you worked for me? LAURA Two years, seven months, twenty-three days, nineteen hours... (checks her watch) ...six minutes and fifty-two seconds. (softly, to herself) ...fifty-three... fifty-four... fifty- five... fifty-six... NED And when was the last time I gave you a raise? Laura neatly folds the end of the toilet paper into a point. LAURA Never. But that's okay. I don't need a raise. In fact... I was thinking of giving you a rebate on my salary. He clicks off the razor, turns to look at her for a long moment, considering this, then... NED Naw. That's okay. You keep it. He gives her a manly pat on the shoulder then casually tosses the towel onto the rack, where it hangs sloppily askew... right next to her face. He exits. Laura stares at the towel with a tortured expression. The CAMERA PUSHES IN to her face as we see... INT. ULTRA-MODERN BEACH HOUSE - DAY Scrawled on a steamed-up bathroom mirror - FLASHBACK - CAPE COD - THREE YEARS EARLIER. A hand wipes the mirror off, revealing Laura... younger, longer hair, with a nasty black eye. LAURA'S HUSBAND appears behind her, glaring insanely. He looks toward the towel rack. There are three towels... with HIS - HIS - HIS embossed along the bottom edge. One towel hangs longer than the others. LAURA'S HUSBAND Did we forget something? She meekly lines up all the towels. LAURA'S HUSBAND Did we forget something? She meekly lines up all the towels. INT. BEACH HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY Laura's Husband pulls the cupboard open. All the cans and boxes are neatly stacked in straight lines. All except one. She straightens it... trembling with fear. EXT. DECK OF BEACH HOUSE - DAY He pulls her outside, nodding toward a line of tall PINE trees behind the house. They are all straight and even... except one, whose tall branches tower conspicuously above the rest. He holds up a chainsaw, nodding toward the trees. Shaking and tearful... she backs into the house. END FLASHBACK BACK TO LAURA SCREAMING out in terror! Ned rushes in, shaking her. NED Laura. Laura! What is it? LAURA (coming out of it) I'm okay, I'm okay. I just get a bit... claustrophobic... in the bathroom. NED Maybe we should try some prune juice. He gives her shoulder a consoling squeeze, then exits. She shakily straightens the towels and regains her composure. Ned opens a wardrobe closet in his office. He walks along, looking at thirty exactly identical blue suits, hanging neatly. Laura follows behind him. He stops and stares, indecisive. LAURA Wear the blue one. INT. COURTROOM - DAY Ned turns dramatically to face the jury. NED Ladies and gentlemen... I ask you... does this look like the face of a crook? ANGLE - MILO CRUMLEY sitting next to Laura at the defense table... STILL wearing the panty hose over his head. BACK TO SCENE NED Of course it does. But the question of my client's guilt or innocence is not the issue here today. I'm certain every member of the jury can clearly see that he's guilty! BLIND JUROR I can't. ANGLE ON NED - JURY'S POV Ned ignores this, turning to look directly at the CAMERA as he addresses the jury... holding up a pair of nylon pantyhose. NED Put yourself in his shoes. Look through his eyes. See the world the way HE sees it! He puts the pantyhose over the LENS, obscuring our view. NED Things just don't look the same. It's fuzzy... and frightening! NEW ANGLE - TO INCLUDE NED AND JURY The nylon pantyhose are draped over the frightened face of a WOMAN JUROR. All the other Jurors are holding up their own socks and nylon stockings, trying to peer through them. Ned steps over to Milo, motioning toward him. NED Ladies and gentlemen... Milo Crumley is not the perpetrator here. He is the VICTIM! Milo unwraps a piece of bubble gum and pushes it into his panty-hose covered mouth, chewing the nylon and gum together. NED Like ALL of us... this man is the unfortunate victim of these tragically difficult economic times. And what does that mean? He can't support his family! Ned motions toward the gallery, where we SEE... ...MILO'S WIFE and TWO CHILDREN, all wearing panty hose over their faces. Ned motions toward Milo. NED For God's sake!... He can't even support his own FACE! JUDGE ALLEN notices that Milo is chewing gum. JUDGE ALLEN Mr. Crumley... you cannot chew gum in my courtroom... unless you have enough for everyone. Milo holds up a big plastic bag filled with bubble gum. Judge Allen grabs it, takes a piece of gum and hands it to the Bailiff. JUDGE ALLEN Bailiff. Pass these out. The Bailiff takes the bag, offers one to Ned... who takes a piece, unwraps it and starts chewing. The Bailiff then proceeds to pass out gum to EVERYONE in the courtroom. The JURY FOREMAN raises his hand and clears his throat. JUDGE ALLEN And don't forget the jury. NED And so, desperate and broke, with no other options before him, Mr. Crumley went to eleven Savings & Loans and did what any of you would have done. He stole back the money that the S&Ls had stolen from him! The courtroom erupts in CHEERS! Judge Allen raps the gavel. JUDGE ALLEN (interrupting) Mr. Ravine... please approach the bench. He does. The Judge leans toward him, reaching out to cover the microphone, covering the end of the gavel instead. The Judge's voice is AMPLIFIED over the courtroom speakers. JUDGE ALLEN You're not running for congress here, so knock off the speeches and quit inciting these brainless morons! Now pick up the pace and wrap this son- of-a-bitch up! Call your first witness. Ned turns... looking out over the courtroom. NED I call... Detective Ned Ravine. There is a surprised GASP from the crowd... and a loud MURMUR. The BAILIFF holds out a video box. It's titled HOLY BIBLE - THE VIDEO. Ned puts one hand on it, raises the other. BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? NED I do. Ned sits down... then gets up, his demeanor changing. NED Detective Ravine, at the time of the arrest, did you read the defendant his Miranda rights? He slips back into the witness box. NED Of course. That's standard procedure. Ned steps over to Arch, who is sitting in the first row of the gallery. Arch hands him the Miranda "cue cards." NED Are these the cards Officer Brooks used to prompt you while reading Mr. Crumley his rights? He lays them on the corner of the stand... then slips into the chair. He picks the cards up and flips thru them. On the back we can see scribbled... "NED'S IDIOT CARDS" NED Yeah. These are them. Ned jumps to his feet, pacing dramatically, grabbing the cards. NED Reading from the cards now... quote "You have the right to remain silent, if you waive that right, anything you say... may be used against you in a court of law." Is that right? NED (back in the chair) That's right. NED (stands up, announces) WRONG! The official Miranda warning is... "anything you say CAN be used against you in a court of law." Not "may"... "CAN!" (on the attack) Don't you know the difference between "can" and "may", Detective? Every school kid knows "can" is a verb that indicates ability to perform, while "may" is a verbal auxiliary indicating the permission to act. Ned pivots into the witness stand, changing his attitude from aggressive attorney to defensive, angry witness as he hits the chair. NED I didn't have time to worry about past participles or interrogative pronouns! I was trying to protect society from a deranged MADMAN! (leaps up, pointing) But this ivy league fop...!!! The courtroom ERUPTS! The Judge bangs the gavel. Ned strides proudly toward the defense table. NED I have no more use for this witness. JUDGE ALLEN Mr. Ravine... Ned turns. The Judge motions with a finger for Ned to approach the bench. Ned does, resting his hand on it. JUDGE ALLEN I'm dismissing this case on the grounds of improper grammar. The Judge smacks Ned's hand with a ruler! NED Ow! PROSECUTOR (jumps up) But your Honor...! JUDGE ALLEN I know, I know. It's a technicality. But it's the kind of technicality that makes the American legal system what it is today! Court's adjourned! The Judge mistakenly picks up the microphone and whacks it on the bench like a gavel. BAM! BAM! BAM! It is DEAFENING! Everyone covers their ears in pain. The THX Sound System Logo appears at the bottom of the screen... along with "The Courtroom Is Listening" INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - LATE AFTERNOON Ned turns the key... enters through the private door. He HEARS the plaintive sound of a saxophone playing Lola's Theme... his eyes drawn to the slightly opened door to the outer office. ANGLE - NED'S POV THRU OPENING A gorgeous pair of legs, sleek nylons, high-heeled shoes. There are several CANDY WRAPPERS, CIGARETTE BUTTS and other pieces of TRASH stuck to the bottom of one shoe. NED pushes the door open. It's Lola. She wears a tight white dress, long white gloves and broad-brimmed hat. The hat tips up slowly, revealing her eyes. LOLA I waited. You never came back. Ned reaches in his pocket, pulls out a wet paper towel. NED I got busy. Here's that paper towel I promised. LOLA Thanks... NED How'd you get in? The door was locked. Lola proudly holds up a tiny bobbie pin. She smiles. LOLA It's miraculous what a real woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing something, heaves a sigh, goes back to the door. He tries the knob, but the door is locked. He looks through the small window. He sees Lola standing inside... breathing heavily, bracing herself against the staircase bannister, hand to her heaving chest as if to calm a pounding heart. He pushes against the door. It won't budge. He goes to the large window, gazing inside. She slides one hand enticingly across her breast and thigh, striking a seductive pose. He points toward the door, motioning for her to unlock it. She looks away. Frustrated, Ned tries the window. It's locked. He picks up a wrought iron chair, SLAMS it into the window! The heavy chair falls apart. The glass doesn't even vibrate! He sees a riding power mower in the driveway... jumps into the seat, starts the engine... barreling toward the front of the house! THUNDER CRASHES and LIGHTNING FLASHES in the sky! He PLOWS into the side of the house, SMASHING a huge hole thru the wall!... MOWING a swath in the carpet! Lola GASPS. Ned climbs off the mower, moving toward her. She opens her arms, breathless. The MUSIC SWELLS dramatically! She intercepts him, embracing him passionately. LOLA I knew you'd come back... NED (looking past her) I forgot my car keys. He struggles free, grabbing his car keys from the hall table. She follows, embracing him again, even more tenaciously. LOLA That's not what you came back for. NED Yes it is. Impatient, she crushes her mouth against his, kissing him hard, desperately clawing at his clothes. She's relentless... devouring him with her lips and tongue. Overwhelmed, he succumbs to her passion. His car keys drop from his hand. She pushes him down toward the floor. LOW ANGLE - AT FLOOR LEVEL Her hands grasp his shirt, ripping it open. The buttons fly in all directions! She grabs at his leather belt, twisting it in her hands... ripping it in two! She grabs his pants by the cuffs... rips one pant leg off! Then the other!... tossing them over each shoulder! Ned and Lola tumble across the floor, arms and legs entangled... rolling themselves up in a rug in the process. ANGLE - FIREPLACE A roaring fire. We HEAR O.C. MOANING and HEAVY BREATHING. The CAMERA TILTS DOWN to a sheepskin rug in front of the fireplace. No one is there! A crystal vase falls, CRASHING on the stone hearth. The CAMERA TILTS UP to REVEAL Ned and Lola... stretched out on the mantle, ravishing each other. ANGLE - THE REFRIGERATOR The door suddenly BURSTS OPEN! Ned and Lola tumble out... wrapped in each other's arms, food tumbling out with them. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. ANGLE - THE DINING ROOM TABLE The table wiggles. The CAMERA MOVES UP to REVEAL Ned and Lola kissing passionately. She lays on the table, arms and legs stretched upward... a spinning plate balanced on the pointed finger of each hand... and a large spinning platter balanced on the end of her pointed left toe. Her right foot brushes the platter to keep it spinning. The Ed Sullivan Show position. SEVERAL ANGLES - IN BED -- Ned and Lola's entangled legs, moving under the sheets. -- Ned sitting, wrists tied to the brass bed with silk scarves. -- Lola, also with her wrists tied to the bed with silk scarves. -- Then... A WIDER ANGLE... revealing that they are BOTH tied... at opposite ends of the same bed! ANGLE - THE BASEMENT STAIRS Wrapped in each other's arms, they tumble down the stairs... crashing into a workbench, still kissing passionately! ANGLE - A WALL SOCKET Ned's hand plugs in a cord. RACK FOCUS to a soft lamb's wool BUFFER WHEEL rising into frame, WHIRRING. It dips into an open can of FLOOR WAX... then moves over to Lola's naked body, buffing the surface of her skin to a high gloss. The CAMERA MOVES to her EYES. They're CROSSED in ecstasy. ANGLE - THE BEDROOM FLOOR HEAVY BREATHING. SQUEAKY BED NOISES. The CAMERA MOVES up along the mattress. The bed moves with a jerky rhythm. The CAMERA REVEALS Lola's hand, grasping the sheet tightly. WE MOVE UP to Lola, lying face down against the pillow. LOLA (breathless) ...don't... stop... FULL SHOT - THE BED Ned jumps up and down on the bed like a trampoline! Lola is on her stomach, bouncing each time Ned's feet hit the bed. LOLA ...Oh Ned... please... don't... stop... He does a complete BACK FLIP!... then keeps bouncing. EXT. THE ROOFTOP - NIGHT The wind blows. THUNDER and LIGHTNING! RAIN pours down. Ned and Lola, both in yellow rain slickers, ravish each other lustfully on the roof, sliding down the incline of shingles. Oblivious to the peril, they slip right over the edge! They hang from the eaves trough, each clutching it with one hand while still holding one another with their free arms... kissing passionately. The trough breaks! They fall! ANGLE - THE GROUND BELOW They roll out of the bushes onto the lawn, arms and legs entangled. They fall apart, gasping for breath. A beat. LOLA That takes care of foreplay. Ned's eyes widen. Lola grins lustily, rolling on top of him. INT. PRISON CELL - MORNING The cell wall is a clutter of PHOTOS: Hitler... Mussolini... Charles Manson... and his mother, Mrs. Shady. A man's muscular naked torso rises into frame, his back to us. He's doing pull-ups, his body covered with TATTOOS! Quotes on each arm... "Don't have a cow, man!" - Bart Simpson... and "I know you are, but what am I?" - Pee Wee Herman. On one shoulder, a gravestone with the epitaph "I told you I was sick!" In the center of his back... we see a big tattoo of Ned's face labeled "DEAD MEAT." A GUARD opens the cell door. GUARD It's time, Max. The prisoner turns. He's butt-ugly, hard, nasty looking. It's MAX SHADY... with a HUGE "Double Corona" CIGAR in his mouth. On his chest is a tattoo that reads: THIS SPACE FOR RENT. He walks right toward the CAMERA LENS and the FRAME goes TO BLACK. MATCH CUT TO: BLACK FRAME EXT. FEDERAL PRISON - MORNING Two huge iron doors swing open and a mob of milling REPORTERS rushes forward, surrounding Max Shady. He wears a blue suit just like Ned's. The Reporters have no microphones, but shove their empty hands at Max as if they do. They shout questions. REPORTER #1 Mr. Shady! What's the first thing you're gonna do now that you're out? MAX SHADY Find Ned Ravine... rip his head off and use it for a bowling ball! REPORTER #2 Are you a good bowler? REPORTER #3 You ever bowled a three-hundred game? REPORTER #4 How would you handle a seven-ten split? REPORTER #1 Say, aren't you wearing one of Ravine's "trademark" blue suits? MAX SHADY Yeah. The bastard gave it to me as a gift... to make up for losing my case. Now I'm going to wear it to his friggin' funeral!! Shady sees someone o.s., waves like a gleeful little kid. MAX SHADY Ma! INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - MORNING A ceiling fan rotates slowly... a pair of shorts and a nylon stocking hanging from the blades. The house is a wreck! The CAMERA MOVES DOWN to Ned and Lola, both reclining in a big claw-foot bathtub, facing each other, their arms draped lazily over the sides. Ned's eyes are closed. "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" plays on the stereo in the b.g. Lola's hand reaches for an ICE PICK on the floor, raising it up slowly. Then... CLICK!... ignites the cigarette lighter in the handle, touching the flame to the end of her cigarette. She chips away a big chunk of ice from the block in a silver ice bucket beside her... then sensuously rubs the ice across her breasts. Ned winces at the sight of this. Lola smiles at him, then lets the chunk of ice slide into the water... and pushes it between Ned's legs. He cringes, eyes crossed. The familiar repetition of MUSICAL notes from the stereo DRONES LOUDER... grabbing Ned's attention. NED That's Madam Butterfly, isn't it? LOLA Iron Butterfly. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. NED (listening) Oh yeah, sure... now I can hear it. LOLA It tells the sad story of a woman who is rejected by her lover after a brief, but torrid, affair... so she stalks him with an ice pick and stabs him with it more than a thousand times. NED Really? I never could understand the lyrics. He lifts his feet out of the water, dangles them over each side of the tub. He's still wearing one blue sock. Lola raises her feet out of the water. She's still wearing her high heel shoes. They are dripping. NED You know, what happened last night was very, uh... LOLA Yes... it was. I should check on my homeowners insurance. NED But we can't ever let it happen again. Ever! LOLA What are you saying, Ned? That you're rejecting me, your lover, after a brief, but torrid, affair?! Ned pulls his feet in, sits up... suddenly feeling vulnerable. He measures his words very, very carefully. NED I wouldn't put it exactly like that. It's just that... well, I'm married to a wonderful woman... who is very, very attractive... (but adds quickly) ...not that you aren't very attractive! His voice begins to ECHO and FADE as the CAMERA MOVES IN to a CU of Lola's enraged EYES! NED (voice echoing) ...you aren't very attractive... you aren't very attractive... you aren't very attractive... And then WE SEE... A CLOSE SHOT of her hand, grasping the ice pick... scratching it along the side of the tub, peeling back the porcelain. A GRATING SCREECH OVERLAPS to... INT. PET STORE - DAY TIGHT on a SCREECHING TROPICAL BIRD. We PULL BACK to reveal Ned looking around the store. His ripped pants have been temporarily repaired with big pieces of masking tape. A CLERK steps over with two big Parrots on her shoulders. CLERK Don't touch anything. You bond with it... you buy it. Whatdya want? NED I'd like to buy a pet. She eyes him suspiciously. CLERK Yeah. For what purpose? NED It's a gift... for my wife. CLERK Right. They all say that. NED She spends a lot of time alone. I thought it might be nice if she had something to keep her company. CLERK Yeah. Sure. I bet. How do I know you're not the kind of guy who punches out parakeets? Or takes some poor defenseless animal, throws it in a sack and runs over it with your car five or six times. NED I would never hurt an animal. CLERK Boy, I would. They're driving me CRAZY! Turns and SHOUTS at the noisy birds. CLERK Shuddup! They do. She turns back to Ned. CLERK Okay... tell me more about this broad you're married to. I like to match people with the pets they deserve. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY A typical police squad room... smoke-filled, cluttered, busy. Arch sits at a desk doing paperwork, surrounded by the Gang Members... who are also filling out papers. Arch SINGS to himself, munching on nachos from a big pile of chips. The Gang Members harmonize with him. A Gang Member reaches for a nacho chip. Arch grabs for the gun in his shoulder holster. ARCH Uh-uh. The Gang Member drops the chip. Arch pops it in his mouth, continues singing. The Gang Members join in with harmony. Ned enters in the background, carrying a box with airholes in it. He steps over to his desk, looking at the singing Gang Members, then motions like a choir leader, cutting them off neatly. NED (doubtful) You do all my paperwork? They all hand over their completed paperwork. Ned stares at them for a beat... surprised. NED Get out of here. They do. He opens the files... checks out the papers. Arch notices something O.S. and gets up. ARCH And a damn good job, too. One of 'em even did it in Spanish. Arch turns the sound up on a wall-mounted TV monitor. ARCH Hey Ned! Catch this! Friend of yours. On the screen... it's Max Shady speaking to the press. MAX (O.S.) (on T.V.) ...I'd like to reach down Ned Ravine's throat and pull out his guts with my bare hands! ARCH (shocked) Jesus... you hear that? NED He's just working through his anger, trying to find a constructive outlet. ARCH Are you kiddin'! He'll do it! The guy's a friggin' looney! NED Trust me, I spent a lot of time with him when I was preparing his case. He's really a very sweet, sensitive human being. MAX (on T.V.) I'd like to mash his head like a ripe melon... NED He gets a little melon-dramatic. MAX (on T.V.) ...then cut off all his fingers and rip out his liver with my teeth! NED (shrugs) See. Loves to exaggerate. Arch slumps in his chair, really stunned. ARCH Christ, Ned... you're in deep shit. Ned laughs it off. He starts checking through the messages and paperwork on his desk. The PHONE RINGS. He picks it up. NED Lieutenant Ravine. Ned's face darkens. He turns away. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - TIGHT SHOT - LOLA'S MOUTH - DAY Speaking into the phone... intense, obsessive. LOLA I want to see you, Ned. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM - DAY NED (whispering harshly) I told you not to call me! It's finished between us. No. No, I'm not sucking anything of yours anymore! (voice gets louder) It's done! OVER! He SLAMS the receiver down, shattering the phone! Everyone stares at Ned in stunned silence. NED (shrugs it off) Wrong number. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - DAY She's in the bathtub, phone receiver in one hand, still jabbing at the porcelain tub with the ice pick. Water squirts from the holes she's punctured in the side of the tub. She flings the ice pick at the wall. It sticks! EXT. PARK - DAY Lana is seated on a park bench wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses. Frank walks up, looks around nervously, pretending not to know Lana. He sits down next to her. FRANK How come we gotta meet here? LANA We have to be careful now. We can't risk being seen together at the house or someone might connect us to the murder later on. She hands him a hat. LANA Here... put this on. She takes her sunglasses off, looks at him. He hesitates, staring at the hat. A dignified looking OLDER GENTLEMAN approaches. Frank quickly slips the hat on his head. The Older Gentleman sits on the bench across from them. He opens a paper sack and begins neatly laying his lunch out next to him. An apple, sandwich, napkin, Mountain Dew. LANA (whispers to Frank) Speak Yiddish. FRANK What? LANA Red Yiddish. We see the SUB-TITLE "Speak Yiddish." From this point on, all their dialog is in YIDDISH... but it appears in ENGLISH SUB-TITLES across the bottom of the screen. FRANK Ich hobe getracht, efsher iz der nisht geshtoigen un nisht gefloygen. (I been thinkin'... maybe this plan is too complicated.) LANA Zein nisht azoy meshige! Der plan iz kosher vi yosher. (Quit worrying. The plan is perfect.) INTERCUT - ANGLE ON OLDER GENTLEMAN He tosses crumbs of his sandwich to the pigeons, occasionally glancing up at Frank and Lana. Whenever they speak, however, his eyes look down toward their legs. INTERCUT - MEDIUM TWO-SHOT ON FRANK AND LANA with SUB-TITLES across the bottom of screen, about knee-level. FRANK Yo! Ober mir darfen imvarfen in tsug. Un schissen un schtippen in vasser arein. Oy a broch! Mir zenen git bakackt. (Yeah, but we gotta get him on the train, shoot him... then push him in the river. There's a million ways we can screw up.) LANA Vus iz mit idr? Die host a vaichen schmoke? (You're not going soft on me, are you?) FRANK Ven hob ich gehat a vaichen schmoke? (When have I ever gone soft on you?) LANA Lest'n Yomkippur. (Last Yom Kippur.) FRANK Nu shoin, ein mul. Es paseert tsie yeyden man. (Okay... once! It happens to every guy.) He looks around nervously. FRANK Oy! Mir vellen zein oif groise tsures. Me'vet unz chap'n. (We're going to be in big trouble. They're going to catch us.) OLDER GENTLEMAN There's very little risk involved. Statistics reveal that less than thirty-two percent of all murderers are ever apprehended. They both look at him... stunned. A long beat. LANA You speak Yiddish? OLDER GENTLEMAN No. But I can read sub-titles. Frank and Lana are speechless. But across the bottom of the screen we see a SUB-TITLE reflecting their thoughts. SUB-TITLE Oy vay! INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY Ned enters, carrying the box. He sets it down on her desk. LAURA Oh gee, you shouldn't have... NED I didn't. It's for my wife. He goes into his office, starts to change out of his tattered suit. Laura talks to him from the outer office. LAURA She called. Wondered why you never came home last night. I told her you were working with a client, undercover. She steps into the doorway of his office. LAURA Were you? NED What? LAURA There's lipstick on your collar. She returns to her desk. Disturbed, Ned quickly pulls the shirt collar out, checks it. NED No there isn't. LAURA No... there isn't. But you answered my question. She's a real looker, huh? NED Who? LAURA Lola Cain. NED I hadn't noticed. She opens the blinds behind her and looks at Ned through the window between their offices. LAURA Yeah, I noticed how you hadn't noticed. (returns to work) That's alright. She noticed enough for both of us. She picks up a stack of papers from the FAX machine. Ned steps into the doorway, wearing a clean shirt. LAURA I worry about you, Ned. I worry a lot. (hands him papers) Max Shady's been faxing death threats to you all morning. NED (reading bits) ...stick a knife in your... (reacts, next) ...rip the eyeballs out of your... (next) ...drive razor-sharp spikes under your... LAURA Did you get to the one...? NED ...cut it off... shove it in a blender. LAURA Yeah... that one. NED (tosses them aside) He's just getting it out of his system. Once they say it... they never do it. You know... like the President. There's a KNOCK at the door. They look up to see an ominous SILHOUETTE of a MAN on the milkglass. Ned starts toward the door. Laura grabs his arm, stopping him. LAURA (whispers) Wait. It might be him. She opens her purse, pulls out a big COLT .45, holding it out to him. Ned stares at it, taken aback. NED Where did you get that? LAURA (as if obvious) From my purse. NED What are you doing with it? LAURA (still obvious) Handing it to you. NED Jeez, Laura, what do you use a gun for? LAURA You shoot it. A bullet comes out. Gosh, Ned, after all your years as a cop, I'd think you'd know these things. NED Laura... put the gun away. He hands the gun back to her... goes to the door... opens it. There's a young DELIVERY MAN holding a bouquet of flowers. DELIVERY MAN (checks card) Flowers for Ned Rav... (looks up) Hey... aren't you that lawyer guy? Man, you are dead meat! Ned grabs the flowers, slams the door. Laura takes the envelope from the flowers... opens it. LAURA Is this another sick joke from Max Shady? She looks at the card... her expression turning cold. NED What is it...? LAURA (hands it to him) Lola Cain. She grabs the flowers... takes them into the bathroom. LAURA I'll put these in water for you. Ned opens the envelope. An audio cassette drops into his hand. Written on the label: PLAY ME. From the bathroom, we hear the LOUD SOUND of a TOILET FLUSHING. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT It's raining. Ned pops the cassette into the tape player. LOLA'S VOICE Ned, darling... I know this seems like a strange way to talk with you... but since you won't take my calls, I have no other choice. (then suddenly) Watch it! That red car's turning left! Ned swerves to avoid a collision, HONKING his horn. LOLA'S VOICE I love you, Ned. We're meant to be together... forever. (then suddenly) The light's changing! Floor it! Go! Go! Go! Ned guns it!... accelerating through a yellow light. LOLA'S VOICE Nice move! (then sincere again) Nothing can keep us apart, Ned. Not even your wife. I'd hate to have to tell her about us, but if necessary... I will. We see HEADLIGHTS behind Ned's car. INT. LOLA'S CAR - NIGHT She is following him, her eyes intense, obsessed. Dizzy sits in the back seat, noodling softly on his saxophone. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT Ned steps into the living room carrying the box. Lana comes down the stairs, pulling on a bathrobe. LANA What happened to you last night? NED (guilty as charged) Why? What have you heard? LANA (sarcastic) You could have called. But then, I suppose you were tied up. NED (reflecting back) Only part of the time. LANA