"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES"

by
Marc Cherry









WRITER'S FINAL DRAFT
AUGUST 12, 2003



TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

We're DRIVING down a tree-lined suburban street. We finally
stop at a well-kept UPPER MIDDLE-CLASS house complete with
white picket fence.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
My name is Mary Alice Scott. When
you read this morning's paper you
may come across an article about the
unusual day I had last week.

CLOSE-UP - MARY ALICE SCOTT

The camera pulls back to reveal an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN HER
EARLY 30's wearing gardening gloves, emerging from the house.

She crosses to the flower bed and begins pruning.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Normally there's never anything
newsworthy about my life. But that
all changed last Thursday.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Mary Alice's HUSBAND AND SON are seated at a table. She is
busy serving them BREAKFAST.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Of course everything seemed quite
normal at first.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LAUNDRY ROOM - DAY

Mary Alice puts some clothes into the WASHING MACHINE.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
I performed my chores.

EXT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY

Mary Alice emerges from a dry cleaners with some CLOTHING
encased in PLASTIC.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
I ran my errands.

EXT. SCOTT HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Mary Alice paints some LAWN FURNITURE.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
I completed my projects.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Mary Alice DUSTS bric-a-brac around the room.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
In truth, I spent the day as I spent
every other day. Quietly polishing
the routine of my life until it
gleamed with perfection.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mary Alice stands completely still in the middle of the
IMMACULATE room.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Which is why it was so astounding
when late last Thursday afternoon...

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

Mary Alice stands on a chair and reaches up to the top shelf
of the hall closet. She brings down a REVOLVER.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...I decided to take a loaded gun
from the hallway closet and empty
its contents into my head.

CLOSE on A GUN FIRING.

MARY ALICE falls to the floor.

We see what appears to be BLOOD spreading out over some tile.
As a woman's HAND begins to wipe it away...

INT. HUBER HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

...we PULL BACK to reveal it's the hand of EDITH HUBER, a
plump woman in her late 40's, who has just spilled some TOMATO
SAUCE onto her kitchen counter. She wipes it up when she
suddenly HEARS something from outside.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
My body was discovered by my next-
door neighbor, Mrs. Edith Huber, who
had been startled by what she would
later describe to the police as a
strange popping sound.

EXT. HUBER HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY

Edith crosses to the FENCE and JUMPS up several times trying
to PEER OVER. Seeing nothing, she goes back inside her home.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber
quickly tried to think of a reason
for dropping in on me unannounced.

INT. HUBER HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Edith crosses to her pantry, and pulls out a BLENDER that
has a piece of TAPE on the side.

CLOSE ON TAPE: "PROPERTY OF MARY ALICE SCOTT."

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
After some initial hesitation, she
decided to return the blender she
had borrowed from me six months
before.

EXT. HUBER HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY

Edith exits her front door, CARRYING THE BLENDER, and crosses
to Mary Alice's front door. She KNOCKS. She waits for a
response. Nothing.

She goes to the side of the house and peers in the window.
She suddenly sees Mary Alice's lifeless BODY. She SCREAMS.

INT. HUBER HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Edith runs in, puts the BLENDER on the counter and quickly
picks up the PHONE.

MRS. HUBER
(emotional)
Hello?! You've got to send an
ambulance! It's my neighbor -- omigod --
there's blood everywhere! Yes! I
think she's been shot! Please. You've
got to send someone now!

Edith HANGS up the phone. She stands for a beat, TEARY-EYED.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And for a moment, Mrs. Huber wept in
her kitchen, overcome by this
senseless tragedy. But only for a
moment. If there was one thing Mrs.
Huber was known for, it was her
ability to look on the bright side.

Edith reaches down to the blender and RIPS off the tape that
reads 'PROPERTY OF MARY ALICE SCOTT'. She then puts the
BLENDER back into her PANTRY.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. SCOTT HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY

A SUNNY afternoon. Various people are walking up to the house,
dressed in BLACK and carrying COVERED DISHES.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
I was laid to rest on a Monday
morning. After the funeral, all the
residents of Wisteria Lane came to
pay their respects. And, as people
do in these situations, they brought
food.

EXT. SCOTT HOUSE - SIDEWALK - DAY

CLOSE ON LYNETTE SCAVO.

We PULL BACK to reveal a worn-down LYNETTE, late 30's,
carrying a large PLATE OF CHICKEN.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Lynette Scavo, who lives on the
corner, brought fried chicken. Lynette
had a great family recipe for fried
chicken.

INT. OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

An intense, yet CAPABLE-LOOKING Lynette is running a meeting.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Of course, she didn't cook much while
she was moving up the corporate
ladder. She didn't have the time.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Lynette and her husband, TOM, are staring in SURPRISE as a
doctor points to images on an ULTRA-SOUND machine.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
But when her doctor announced Lynette
was pregnant with twins, her husband,
Tom, had an idea.

CLOSE ON LYNETTE'S HUSBAND MOUTHING THE FOLLOWING WORDS:

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
"Why not quit your job? It'd be better
for the kids. You'd love being a
stay-at-home mom. And it would be so
much less stressful."

LYNETTE considers this for a moment, then nods in agreement.

END OF FLASHBACK

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS

The worn-down Lynette carries her PLATE of chicken.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
But this was not the case. In fact,
Lynette's life was now so hectic...

We PULL BACK even farther to reveal she also pushes a stroller
with PATSY, 18 months. PETER and PORTER, both 6, and PRESTON,
5, walk on the sidewalk in front of her.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...she was forced to get her fried
chicken from a fast food restaurant.

Lynette's TWINS start ELBOWING each other. Lynette looks at
them WEARILY.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
(continuing)
Lynette would've appreciated the
irony if she stopped to think about
it. But she couldn't. She didn't
have the time.

LYNETTE
Boys, knock it off!

One of the boys pushes another, sending him into the third.
All three boys start BRAWLING.

LYNETTE
(continuing)
DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID KNOCK IT
OFF!

She pushes the STROLLER aside and then rushes to SEPARATE
her FIGHTING children.

PORTER
But he was the one who...

LYNETTE
No buts! You're going to behave today!
I won't be humiliated in front of
the entire neighborhood. And just so
you know how serious I am...

Lynette reaches into her pocket and pulls out a SLIP OF PAPER.
She holds it up in front of the boys.

PETER
What's that?

LYNETTE
This is Santa's cell phone number.

PORTER
How did you get that?

LYNETTE
I know someone who knows someone who
knows an elf. Now if any of you acts
up, so help me I'll call Santa and
tell him you want socks for Christmas.
You willing to risk that?

The boys SHAKE their heads nervously.

LYNETTE
(continuing)
Good. Now let's get this over with.

As Lynette stands up, MRS. HUBER suddenly crosses by.

MRS. HUBER
Lynette. I see you brought the
children.

LYNETTE
My baby-sitter won't return my phone
calls. Get off my back.

Lynette BREEZES past Mrs. Huber towards the front door.

EXT. SOLIS - FRONT YARD - DAY

GABRIELLE SOLIS, a glamorous woman in her late 30's, emerges
from the front door carrying a large TUPPERWARE bowl.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Gabrielle Solis, who lives three
doors down, brought chilled gazpacho.

INT. MANHATTAN FASHION SHOW (FLASHBACK)

CLOSE ON GABRIELLE STRUTTING DOWN A RUNWAY.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Since her modeling days in New York,
Gabrielle had always had a thing for
Spanish cuisine and Spanish men.

As Gabrielle PASSES by we push in on CARLOS, who is seated
in the audience. He WATCHES her intently.

INT. MANHATTAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

Gabrielle and Carlos are SEATED in an ELEGANT restaurant.
Carlos takes a VELVET BOX out of his pocket and opens it.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Carlos, who worked in mergers and
acquisitions, proposed on their third
date.

Gabrielle NODS. Tears well up in Carlos' eyes.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
(continuing)
She was touched when tears welled up
in his eyes. But she soon discovered
this happened every time Carlos closed
a big deal.

END OF FLASHBACK

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS

GABRIELLE struts down her front walk. She joins CARLOS who
has obviously been WAITING for her.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
So Gabrielle now had everything she'd
ever wanted. A big house, lots of
credit cards and a housekeeper who
made her chilled gazpacho any time
she wanted.

Gabrielle SHOVES the gazpacho into Carlos' hands.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
But the gazpacho was not quite as
chilled as Gabrielle's current
relationship with her husband.

Gabrielle starts to cross the STREET. Carlos follows her.

CARLOS
Hey, if you talk to Al Mason at this
thing I want you to casually mention
how much I paid for your necklace.

GABRIELLE
Oh, eat me, Carlos.

CARLOS
He let me know how much he paid for
his wife's new Jag. Just work it
into the conversation.

GABRIELLE
There's no way I can just work that
in.

CARLOS
At the Donahues' party, everyone was
talking about mutual funds and you
found a way to mention you once
screwed Jon Bon Jovi and his brother.

GABRIELLE
You know, Carlos, there is a
difference between bragging and
entertaining cocktail conversation.

Gabrielle SWEEPS past Carlos up the walk to the SCOTT HOUSE
and KNOCKS on the front door.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

CLOSE ON A HAND REACHING FOR A DOOR KNOB.

The door opens to reveal two GIFT BASKETS. We pull back to
see they're carried by BREE VAN DE KAMP, late 30's. BEAUTIFUL
and immaculately PUT-TOGETHER, she enters with a confident
air.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Bree Van de Kamp, who lives down the
block, brought baskets of muffins
she baked from scratch. Bree was
known for her cooking.

INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - SEWING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Bree is at a SEWING machine.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And for making her own clothes.

EXT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - GARDEN - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Bree is RAKING a vegetable garden with a HOE.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And for growing her own vegetables.

INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Bree shoves a KNIFE into a sofa. She PEELS the old fabric
off. A bolt of brand NEW fabric sits beside her.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And for reupholstering her own
furniture.

END OF FLASHBACK

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

BREE stands at the door holding her two GIFT BASKETS. She
SMILES, then BREEZES into the party.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Yes, Bree's many talents were known
throughout the neighborhood. And
everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of
Bree as the perfect wife and mother.
(then)
Everyone, that is, except her family.

REX VAN DE KAMP, 40, ANDREW VAN DE KAMP, 16, and DANIELLE
VAN DE KAMP, 14, suddenly appear in the door frame. They all
wear a WEARY expression. They follow Bree into the wake.

We cut to PAUL SCOTT, late 30's , who SOMBERLY greets his
guests. Next to him is his son, ZACH, 16. BREE walks up to
them.

BREE
(gravely)
Paul. Zachary.

MR. SCOTT
(off baskets)
Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all
this trouble.

BREE
No trouble at all. Now the red basket
is filled with desserts for your
guests. But the blue basket is just
for you and Zachary. It's got rolls
and muffins. Breakfast-type things.

MR. SCOTT
Thank you.

BREE
The least I could do was make sure
you boys had a decent meal to look
forward to in the morning. I know
you're out of your minds with grief.

Mr. Scott and Zach nod EMOTIONALLY. They stand there SILENTLY
for a beat. Then:

BREE
(continuing)
Of course, I will need the baskets
back once you're done.

Bree CROSSES away. Mr. Scott and his son look at each other,
then over at Bree's family who are all clearly MORTIFIED.

EXT. MEYER HOUSE - FRONT YARD - DAY

CLOSE ON SUSAN MEYER.

We PULL BACK to see SUSAN, mid-30's and her daughter, JENNA,
12, crossing the street. Susan carries a CASSEROLE DISH.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Susan Meyer, who lives across the
street, brought macaroni and cheese.
Her husband, Karl, always teased her
about her macaroni saying it was the
only thing she knew how to cook and
she rarely made it well.

INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING (FLASHBACK)

CLOSE ON TWO HANDS PICKING UP A CASSEROLE DISH.

We pull back to see a BEAMING SUSAN taking the dish and
SETTING it on a TABLE. Seated at the table are her husband,
KARL, and a two-month old Jenna in a high chair. Moving boxes
are in the background.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
It was too salty the night she and
Karl moved into their house.

INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING (FLASHBACK)

CLOSE ON TWO HANDS PICKING UP A CASSEROLE DISH.

We pull back to see an ENRAGED SUSAN taking the dish and
slamming it down on the table. A DRESS SHIRT is slung over
one of the chairs. A four-year old Jenna sits at the table.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
It was too watery the night she found
lipstick on Karl's shirt.

Susan suddenly picks up the DRESS SHIRT and RIPS it in half.

INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING (FLASHBACK)

CLOSE ON TWO HANDS PICKING UP A CASSEROLE DISH.

We PULL BACK to see a DEVASTATED Susan taking the dish and
putting it down on the table. A ten-year old Jenna sits at
the table. Karl enters carrying two suitcases.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
She burned it the night Karl told
her he was leaving her for his
secretary.

Karl EXITS. Susan DISSOLVES into TEARS.

END OF FLASHBACK

EXT. SCOTT FRONT YARD - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Susan and Jenna head up the sidewalk.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
It had been two years since Susan
had divorced Karl. And though she
was content, she'd started to think
how nice it would be to have a man
in her life who'd make fun of her
cooking.

Just as they reach the front porch, Jenna looks up at Susan.

JENNA
Mom, why would someone kill
themselves?

Susan STOPS. This question has caught her OFF-GUARD.

SUSAN
Well... sometimes people can be so
unhappy they think it's the only way
to solve their problems.

JENNA
But Mrs. Scott always seemed happy.

SUSAN
Yes, but some people pretend to be
one way on the outside when they're
totally different on the inside.

JENNA
Oh. You mean like how Dad's new
girlfriend is always smiling and
says nice things but deep down you
just know she's a bitch.

SUSAN
I don't like that word, Jenna.
(then)
But, yes, that is a great example.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

There is a large crush of MOURNERS. Susan and Jenna ENTER.
They make their way to the DINING ROOM. Susan places her
MACARONI AND CHEESE on the buffet table.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

BREE and GABRIELLE are seated, drinking WINE. LYNETTE is off
to the side BREAST-FEEDING.

Susan ENTERS, She crosses to the table and SITS. The four
women are SILENT, lost in their own thoughts. Susan reaches
over and picks a wine GLASS off the table. She STARES at it.

CLOSE on the wine glass. WINE is poured into it. We pull
back to find we are in...

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN - 2 YEARS EARLIER (FLASHBACK)

The wine is being poured by MARY ALICE. SUSAN is in the same
chair, holding a wine GLASS. BREE and GABRIELLE are next to
her. LYNETTE, eight months PREGNANT, is off to the side.
MARY ALICE finishes pouring the WINE.

MARY ALICE
It's not the end of the world, Susan.

BREE
You want a handkerchief? I've got
one in my purse.

SUSAN
I'm fine. Really.

Bree offers a HANDKERCHIEF to Susan.

BREE
It's one of my good ones. See the
lace? I tatted it myself.

GABRIELLE
First of all, no one's impressed
that you tat your own lace. If
anything, it's weird. Secondly, Susan
doesn't need a hankie. She's not
even crying.

BREE
I don't see why not. If Rex had
cheated on me, I'd be hysterical.

LYNETTE
So what did Karl say when you
confronted him?

SUSAN
You'll love this. He looked me
straight in the eye and said "It
didn't mean anything."

All the women GROAN.

LYNETTE
What is that? Page one of the
philanderer's handbook?

SUSAN
Then I asked him why he'd even feel
the need to screw another woman? And
he just got this zen look on his
face and said, "You know, Susan,
most men lead lives of quiet
desperation."

GABRIELLE
Please tell me you punched him.

SUSAN
No, I said, "Really? And what do
most women lead? Lives of noisy
fulfillment"?

MARY ALICE
Good for you.

SUSAN
And of all people, did he have to
bang his secretary? My God, I had
that woman over for brunch!

GABRIELLE
It's like my grandma said, 'An erect
penis doesn't have a conscience'.

LYNETTE
Come on. Even the flaccid ones aren't
that ethical.

BREE
This is half the reason I joined the
NRA. When Rex started going to those
medical conferences, I wanted it in
the back of his mind that he had a
loving wife at home with a loaded
Smith and Wesson.

MARY ALICE
Lynnie, Tom's always away on business.
Do you ever worry he might...?

LYNETTE
Please. The man's gotten me pregnant
three times in four years. I wish he
was having sex with someone else.

GABRIELLE
So, is the dirtbag begging for
forgiveness now?

SUSAN
No. He won't even promise to stop
seeing her.

Susan starts to CRY. Bree turns to Gabrielle.

BREE
Now can I give her the hankie?

Gabrielle reacts. Bree HANDS Susan a HANDKERCHIEF.

SUSAN
I'm sorry. I just don't know if I
can survive this.

Mary Alice REACHES across the table and takes Susan's HAND.

MARY ALICE
Sweetie, I'm not gonna listen to
that kind of talk. Yes, it's gonna
be rough for a while. And there will
be days you won't feel like getting
out of bed. But this, too, shall
pass. And until it does you've just
gotta deal with it. Because, at the
end of the day, what other freaking
choice do you have?

Mary Alice gives Susan a KNOWING smile. Susan, immediately
sensing the truth of this statement, begins to LAUGH through
her tears. Soon the other women JOIN IN.

After a beat the laughter starts to FADE into the background.

BREE (V.O.)
Susan!

END OF FLASHBACK

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - KITCHEN CONTINUOUS

STARTLED, Susan looks over to see Bree STARING at her.

BREE
I said Paul wants us to come over
Friday and go through Mary Alice's
closet and pack up all her clothes.
He can't face doing it himself.

SUSAN
(preoccupied)
Oh, Sure. That's fine.

BREE
Are you okay?

SUSAN
Yeah. I'm just so angry. If Mary
Alice was having problems, she
should've come to us. She should've
let us help her.

GABRIELLE
But what problems could she have
had? She was healthy, had a great
house, a nice family. Her life was --

Gabrielle STRUGGLES for the word. Finally:

LYNETTE
Our life.

GABRIELLE
No. We'd have known if Mary Alice
was having some sort of crisis. We
all live fifty feet away, for God's
sake.

SUSAN
Gaby, something must have been going
on. Why else would she have done
something so desperate?

As all the women PONDER this, the camera drifts off to the
side of the kitchen door...

PAUL SCOTT (Mary Alice's husband), who's been EAVESDROPPING
on their conversation. The malignant look in his eyes suggests
he may know the answer to that question,

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

MIKE DELFINO, 39, is at the buffet table DISHING up some
food. He's GOOD-LOOKING in a BLUE-COLLAR sort of way. Susan
walks by just in time to see Mike REACH for the MACARONI AND
CHEESE.

SUSAN
I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

MIKE
Why?

SUSAN
I made it. Trust me.

Mike, completely CHARMED by Susan's candor, starts to SCOOP
a big helping of the MACARONI AND CHEESE. Susan STOPS him.

SUSAN
Hey! Do you have a death wish?

MIKE
I refuse to believe anyone could
screw up macaroni and cheese that
badly.

Mike SCOOPS the MAC 'N CHEESE onto his plate, winks at Susan,
then tries some. He instantly GRIMACES.

MIKE
Omigod! How did you...? It tastes
like it's burned and undercooked.

SUSAN
I get that a lot.

Susan hands him a NAPKIN. After he discreetly spits out the
food, they both start to LAUGH.

MIKE
By the way, I'm Mike Delfino. I'm
renting the Sims house next door.

SUSAN
Susan Meyer. I'm across the street.

MIKE
Oh, Mrs. Huber told me about you.
She said you write children's books.

SUSAN
I'm very big with the under-five
set. What do you do?

MIKE
Plumber. So if you ever have a clog
or something...

Mike FLASHES a killer SMILE. Susan realizes she's being
flirted with. She becomes FLUSTERED.

SUSAN
(re: macaroni)
Well... now that everyone has seen I
brought something, I should probably
throw this out.

Susan starts to cross off, then looks back and is THRILLED
to see Mike is watching her walk away.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Lynette sits, trying to discreetly BREAST-FEED her toddler.
She flinches in PAIN.

LYNETTE
Ow! Ease up, you little vampire!

Mrs. Huber suddenly crosses over.

MRS. HUBER
Lynette, I've been looking all over
for you. Are you aware of what your
sons are doing?

A look of PANIC crosses Lynette's face.

INT. KITCHEN - SCOTT HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Susan enters the KITCHEN. Her daughter, Jenna, is THERE.

JENNA
Who was that guy you were talking
to? He's a hottie.

SUSAN
Yes, he is. Would you do me a favor?

JENNA
Want me to find out if he's single?

SUSAN
Just be subtle like Mommy taught
you.

Jenna turns and EXITS.

EXT. SCOTT BACKYARD - DAY

Various MOURNERS are in the BACKYARD. In the center is a
POOL.

LYNETTE, carrying the baby, emerges from the house to see
her three SONS are in the pool SWIMMING. Three piles of
CLOTHING are at the pool's edge. Mortified, Lynette RACES
over.

LYNETTE
What are you doing? We are at a wake!

PETER
When we got here you said we could
go in the pool.

LYNETTE
I said you could go the pool!
(looking closely)
Are you wearing swimsuits?

PETER
Yeah. We put 'em on under our clothes
before we left the house.

LYNETTE
You three planned this? That does
it. Get out!

PORTER
No!

LYNETTE
No? No?! I am your mother! You have
to do what I say!

PORTER
We want to swim! And you can't stop
us!

The twins CROSS their ARMS in DEFIANCE. PRESTON looks over
at his brothers, then crosses his arms as well. LYNETTE stares
at them in SHOCK. She then looks up at the crowd around her.

LYNETTE'S P.O.V.: EVERYONE in the BACKYARD is watching to
see what she'll do. Each person silently JUDGING her as a
MOTHER.

LYNETTE thinks for a beat then suddenly thrusts her toddler
into a stranger's arms. She DESCENDS into the POOL, WADES
over to an ASTONISHED Peter and Porter, GRABS them by their
ears and FORCES them out of the pool. She throws back a look
at Preston, who quickly SCURRIES out.

Lynette PICKS up the boys' clothing, SHOVES it into their
arms, and gestures for them to EXIT. They do. Lynette then
takes her toddler from the stranger and crosses, SOAKING
WET, to Paul Scott.

LYNETTE
(totally dignified)
Paul, we have to leave now. Once
again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

As Lynette EXITS, all the ASTOUNDED mourners WATCH her go.
All of them, that is, but Paul, who stares intently at the
EMPTY pool. There is an anguished LOOK on his face. This is
a man with a SECRET.

ANGLE from under the water: We see the lone figure of Paul
Scott staring into the water. The RIPPLES of the water DISTORT
his face into something GROTESQUE and THREATENING.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. WISTERIA LANE - EARLY MORNING

The TREE-LINED street is barely touched by SUN-LIGHT.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
The morning after my funeral my
friends and neighbors quietly went
back to their busy, busy lives.

INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

In a messy kitchen, an EXHAUSTED Lynette serves bacon and
eggs to her four children.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
While some did their cooking...

INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - KITCHEN - MORNING

Bree cleans her OVEN. She wears a HAIR NET and latex GLOVES.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...and some did their cleaning...

INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING

Gabrielle is in an awkward position STRETCHING.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...and some did their yoga...

EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - MORNING

Jenna knocks on the front door.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...others did their homework.

Mike answers the door.

JENNA
Hi. I'm Jenna. I was kicking my soccer
ball, and it went into your back
yard.

MIKE
Oh. Well, come in. We'll go get it.

Mike opens the screen door, and Jenna heads inside.

INT. MEYER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Susan and Jenna are there.

JENNA
...So, his wife died of cancer two
years ago. He left L.A. because there
were too many memories. He does over
six figures a year, and he's just
renting for tax purposes.

SUSAN
Did you get any sense of when he
might be ready to start dating again?

JENNA
No, but I can lose my frisbee
tomorrow.

Susan SMILES.

INT. SOLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Gabrielle and Carlos are in the kitchen, in the middle of a
FIGHT.

GABRIELLE
I am not going to that party!

CARLOS
It's a business dinner. Tanaka expects
everyone to bring their wives.

GABRIELLE
Every time I'm around that man he
tries to grab my ass!

CARLOS
I made over two hundred thousand
doing business with him last year.
If he wants to grab your ass for a
couple of seconds, let him!

Carlos EXITS as Gabrielle SMOLDERS

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS

JOHN, 16, a muscular, handsome neighbor, does YARD WORK.
Carlos emerges from the house.

CARLOS
John!

STARTLED, JOHN catches his hand on a THORN.

JOHN
Ow! Mr. Solis, you scared me.

CARLOS
(pointing to bush)
Why is that bush still here? You
were supposed to dig that up last
week.

JOHN
I didn't have time last week cause...

CARLOS
I don't want to hear your excuses.
Just take care of the bush!

Just then, Gabrielle EMERGES from the house. As Carlos crosses
to his car...

GABRIELLE
You know, Carlos, I really hate the
way you talk to me.

CARLOS
And I really hate that the diamond
necklace I bought you set me back
five thousand dollars. But I'm
learning to deal with it.
(then)
So can I tell Tanaka we'll be there?

GABRIELLE sees that John is BLEEDING.

GABRIELLE
John, we have bandages. Top shelf in
the kitchen.

JOHN
Thanks, Mrs. Solis.

John EXITS into the house. GABRIELLE turns back to Carlos.

GABRIELLE
All right, I'll go. But I'm going to
keep my back pressed against the
wall the entire time.

CARLOS
(suddenly smiling)
See? This is what marriage is all
about. Compromise.

Gabrielle registers a look of disdain as Carlos gets into
his CAR and takes off.

INT. SOLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

John wraps a BANDAGE on his finger. GABRIELLE enters.

GABRIELLE
Is your finger okay?

JOHN
Yeah. It was just a small cut.

GABRIELLE crosses to JOHN. She takes his HAND. She examines
it for a beat, then unexpectedly KISSES his FINGER softly.
They lock eyes. Before we know it, they're KISSING
PASSIONATELY. Suddenly, he PULLS away.

JOHN
You know, Mrs. Solis, I really like
it when we hook up, but... you know,
I gotta get my work done. I can't
afford to lose this job and --

Gabrielle REMOVES her top and lets it DROP to the floor.
John, overcome by the sight of her BODY, drops his TOOLS.
Gabrielle takes John and LEADS him into the DINING ROOM.

GABRIELLE
(indicates table)
This is hand-carved. Carlos had it
imported from Italy. It cost him
fifteen thousand dollars.

JOHN
Want to do it on the table this time?

GABRIELLE
Absolutely.

John PICKS Gabrielle up and LAYS her on top of the TABLE. He
pulls his SHIRT off, then GETS on the table with her. They
kiss for a beat, then Gabrielle begins LAUGHING.

JOHN
What?

GABRIELLE
I was just thinking. The last thing
my husband said was to make sure you
took care of the bush.

Gabrielle and John both laugh UPROARIOUSLY. The camera pans
up the wall to reveal a painting with a BOWL OF FRUIT on it.

EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - FRONT YARD - EARLY EVENING

SUSAN carries a BASKET OF FRUIT. She walks up Mike's front
door and knocks. Mike OPENS the door.

MIKE
Hey, Susan.

SUSAN
I got you a little housewarming gift.

MIKE
Wow. The welcome wagon moves fast
here. I haven't even unpacked yet.

Mike TAKES the basket. Susan smiles

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
It was true. Susan had moved quickly.
Because she knew when word of Mike's
marital status spread...

A WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Hello there!

Susan and Mike turn and LOOK. Susan's smile FADES when she
sees...

EDIE BRITT, 37, sexy and DETERMINED, striding up the walkway.
She CARRIES a casserole dish.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...there'd be competition.

CLOSE ON EDIE BRITT STRUTTING UP THE WALKWAY.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Edie Britt was the most predatory
divorcee in a five block radius.

INT. BRITT HOME - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)

Edie grabs a man in a BLUE UNIFORM and kisses him
PASSIONATELY. He drops his TOOLBOX.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Her conquests were numerous...

INT. BRITT HOME - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)

Edie grabs a man wearing TENNIS WHITES and kisses him
PASSIONATELY. He drops his tennis RACQUET.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...varied...

INT. BRITT HOME - LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (FLASHBACK)

Edie grabs a man wearing a BLACK SHIRT AND A WHITE COLLAR
and kisses him PASSIONATELY. He drops his BIBLE.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...and legendary.

END OF FLASHBACK

EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Edie WALKS up and joins Mike and Susan.

EDIE
Hi, Susan. Hope I'm not interrupting.

Susan FORCES a smile.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Yes, Susan Meyer had met the enemy.
And she was a slut.

Edie EXTENDS her hand to Mike.

EDIE
You must be Mike Delfino. I'm Edie
Britt. I live down the street.
(handing him casserole)
Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

MIKE
Thank you. What's this?

EDIE
Sausage puttenesca with cream sauce.
Just something I threw together.

Susan glares at Edie.

MIKE
Thanks, Edie. This is great. You
know, I'd ask you both in, but I was
in the middle of something when you --

EDIE
No problem. Just wanted to say 'hi'.

SUSAN
I'm late for an appointment anyway.

The women both turn and begin to WALK down the walkway.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And just like that, the race for
Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment,
Susan wondered if her rivalry with
Edie would be a friendly one.

Edie stops and turns back.

EDIE
Oh, Mike. I heard you're a plumber.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
But she was quickly reminded that
when it came to men...

EDIE
Do you think you could stop by later
tonight and take a look at my pipes?

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...women don't fight fair.

MIKE
Sure.

Mike SMILES and goes inside. Edie smiles SLYLY at Susan.
Susan reacts.

Susan turns and starts RAPIDLY down the sidewalk. We FOLLOW
her as she WALKS. Susan PASSES by the VAN DE KAMP house.

The camera STAYS on the house and we PUSH in towards the
front window. We continue PUSHING in until we see the ENTIRE
Van De Kamp family eating DINNER through the window. We push
through the window and we're now...

INT. VAN DE KAMP HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

...in the VAN DE KAMP dining room. BREE and REX sit at
opposite ends of the table. In the middle are ANDREW, 15 and
DANIELLE, 14. They're all QUIETLY eating dinner at an
ELEGANTLY set table.

DANIELLE looks up from her BOWL.

DANIELLE
Why can't we ever have normal soup?

BREE
Danielle, there is nothing abnormal
about basil puree.

DANIELLE
Just once couldn't we have soup people
have heard of? Like French onion or
Navy bean?

BREE
First of all, your father can't eat
onions. He's deathly allergic. And I
won't even dignify your Navy bean
suggestion.
(then, cheerily)
So does everyone like their Osso
Buco?

ANDREW
(indifferent)
It's okay.

Bree GENTLY places her fork on her plate.

BREE
Andrew, I spent four hours cooking
this meal. How do you think it makes
me feel when you say 'it's okay' in
that sullen tone?

ANDREW
Well, who asked you to spend four
hours on dinner?

BREE
Excuse me?

ANDREW
Tim Harper's mom gets home from work,
pops open a can of pork and beans,
and boom! They're eating. Everybody's
happy.

Bree stares COLDLY at her son. Beat.

DANIELLE
(sotto, to Andrew)
Apologize now. I'm begging.

BREE
You'd rather I serve pork and beans?!

ANDREW
I'm just saying does every dinner
have to be one of Martha Stewart's
greatest hits?

Bree throws her NAPKIN down. She rises and PACES around the
room. She suddenly CROSSES to Andrew and LEANS into him.

BREE
You're doing drugs, aren't you?

ANDREW
What?!

BREE
Change in behavior is one of the
warning signs and you've been as
fresh as paint for the past six
months. So is it crack? That would
explain why you're always locked in
the bathroom.

DANIELLE
Trust me. That's not what he's doing.

ANDREW
(to Danielle)
Shut up!
(to Bree)
Mom, I'm not the problem here. You're
the one always acting like she's
running for the mayor of Stepford.

BREE
Hey! I work myself to the point of
exhaustion to create a lifestyle for
my family that is both elegant and
wholesome. And it's astonishing to
me that the only reaction I get for
my efforts is cold indifference.

ANDREW
Whatever.

Andrew sullenly resumes EATING. Bree SITS back down. Beat.

BREE
Rex, seeing how you're head of this
household, I would really appreciate
you saying something.

Rex LOOKS UP from his food.

REX
Everybody just be quiet so I can eat
this slop in peace.

Bree STARES at Rex in utter SHOCK. Rex gives her a look of
complete DISDAIN. After a beat, the entire family resumes
eating their food in SILENCE.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON

A SUBURBAN supermarket, Various SHOPPERS walk about.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Two days after my funeral, my friends
started to let go of their grief.

Susan, Gabrielle, Bree and Lynette stand together in an aisle,
deep in CONVERSATION. Patsy, Lynette's daughter, rides in
the cart; her sons, Peter, Porter and Preston are off to the
side completely bored.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
The healing process officially began
with the trashing of a "dear" friend
and neighbor.

SUSAN
...and she brought him sausage
puttenesca!

LYNETTE
That is so like Edie to come up with
a phallic entree.

BREE
I can't help but feel responsible. I
gave her that recipe.

GABRIELLE
Hey, you had no idea she was going
to use it for evil.

PETER
Mom, let's go! We're missing 'Sponge
Bob.'

LYNETTE
Just a minute, honey. Mommy's
gossiping with her friends.

SUSAN
I hate acting like some love struck
teenager, but it's just... I think
we could be good together. From the
first moment we met we had this
amazing connection.

BREE
This was when he was spitting out
your macaroni?

SUSAN
Yeah.

PORTER
Mom !

LYNETTE
Okay, okay. Why don't you help Mommy
shop? Go to the next aisle and pick
up that Cool Aid you love.

The three boys take off. Lynette shouts after them.

LYNETTE
And come right back!

The boys disappear around the corner.

GABRIELLE
I'm rooting for you, Susan. Just be
aware Edie is going for it. I saw
her at the salon yesterday. She was
getting a bikini wax.

SUSAN
So she's thrown down the gauntlet.

LYNETTE
Totally.

BREE
You know, Lynette, that Cool Aid is
right next to the grape juice, which
is all in glass bottles.

LYNETTE
Oh, crap... I gotta go.

Lynette turns to leave. We FOLLOW HER into the next aisle,
where she finds Preston standing by himself.

LYNETTE
Preston? Where are your brothers?

PRESTON
They found an empty shopping cart.

LYNETTE
Oh, crap...

WOMAN (O.S.)
Lynette Scavo! Is that you?

Lynette looks around to see NATALIE WELLMAN, late 30's ,
dressed in business attire.

LYNETTE
Natalie Wellman? I don't believe it.

NATALIE
Lynette! How long has it been?

LYNETTE
Years. How are you? How's the firm?

NATALIE
Good. Everybody misses you. We all
say if you hadn't quit, you'd be
running the place by now.

LYNETTE
Yeah, well...

NATALIE
So... what's it like? Do you just
love being a mom?

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And there it was. The question that
Lynette always dreaded. For the people
who asked it, only one answer was
ever acceptable. Any other and she'd
be found lacking as a woman. So
Lynette responded as she always did.
She lied.

LYNETTE
Oh, yes. Best job I've ever had.

WE SEE behind Lynette an ELDERLY LADY waiting in the checkout
line. Suddenly WE HEAR a commotion, and an EMPTY CART thunders
into frame, broadsiding the elderly lady, knocking her over.

Lynette closes her eyes, knowing that whatever just happened
behind her -- she's gonna have to answer for.

INT. SOLIS HOUSE - BEDROOM - AFTERNOON

Gabrielle and John are LYING quietly and contentedly in bed.
They've obviously just finished MAKING love. Gabrielle is
smoking a CIGARETTE.

JOHN
You know what I don't get?

GABRIELLE
What?

JOHN
Why you married Mr. Solis.

Gabrielle gives John a SURPRISED look. She sees he's SERIOUS.

GABRIELLE
Well... he promised he'd give me
everything I ever wanted.

JOHN
And did he?

GABRIELLE
Yes.

John THINKS about this for a beat.

JOHN
Then why aren't you happy?

GABRIELLE
As it turns out, I wanted the wrong
things.

JOHN
So... do you love him?

GABRIELLE
I do.

JOHN
(suddenly irritated)
Then why are we here? Why are we
doing this?

Gabrielle FIXES John with an INTENSE stare.

GABRIELLE
Because I don't want to wake up one
day with the urge to blow my brains
out.

She KISSES him. She then takes a DRAG off her CIGARETTE.

JOHN
Hey, can I have a drag?

GABRIELLE
Absolutely not. You're much too young
to smoke.

Gabrielle SMILES at John and blows smoke in the air.

INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

SUSAN fries a pan of BACON at the stove. She takes out the
bacon and THROWS it in the TRASH. She then takes the pan and
empties the GREASE into the SINK.

On the COUNTER are OPEN JARS of peanut butter, cooking oil
and lard. After she pours the grease into the sink, Susan
SCOOPS out a large SPOONFUL of lard and starts JAMMING it
down the DRAIN.

Jenna SITS at the table, watching this SPECTACLE.

JENNA
You're crazy. You know that?

SUSAN
Mike's a plumber. Unclogging drains
is what he does. And I've got to
make my move before Edie makes hers.

JENNA
Can't you just ask him out on a date?

SUSAN
We need to get to know each other
first. This way we can talk and it'll
feel spontaneous and casual. I don't
want him to think I'm desperate.
(indicates hair brushes
on counter)
Hey, come here and start pulling the
hair out of these brushes.

Jenna RELUCTANTLY gets up and crosses to the counter.

JENNA
Mom, how can you be so hung up on
this guy? You just met him.

SUSAN
You're right. He'll probably turn
out to be an ax murderer, or married,
or gay. Or with my luck, all three.
But until the sad truth comes pouring
out, Mike is a definite 'maybe.' And
it's been a while since I've had
that! No, I'm not in love with him.
But damn, I am in love with the
possibility.
(then)
Does that make sense?

Jenna is FROZEN, staring out the window. Susan SEES this.

SUSAN
Honey, what's wrong?

Susan LOOKS out the window and SEES what Jenna is STARING
at.

Susan's P.O.V. - EDIE BRITT is in the driver's seat of a RED
convertible. She's parked in front of MIKE'S house. Suddenly
Mike EMERGES from his house. He WALKS to the car and GETS
in. Edie pulls AWAY.

Susan is in shock for a beat. Then:

SUSAN
Get my car keys.

EXT. FREEWAY - MOMENTS LATER

Susan and Jenna are in Susan's car SPEEDING down the HIGHWAY.

JENNA
Mom, this is crazy.

SUSAN
Be quiet! I'm concentrating.

Up ahead, Edie's car WEAVES in and out of TRAFFIC.

INT. COWBOY BOB'S STEAKHOUSE - AFTERNOON

Susan and Jenna ENTER. They walk to the hostess' PODIUM.

HOSTESS
How many?

SUSAN
Two, please.

The hostess takes them to a TABLE. They SIT. The hostess
hands them MENUS and crosses away. Susan LOOKS around, She
suddenly spots MIKE and EDIE on the other side of the ROOM.

SUSAN
There they are.

JENNA
Okay. So what're we doing?

SUSAN
I have to see if this is a date.

JENNA
Mom, why are you torturing yourself?
What else could it be?

SUSAN
It could be lunch, okay? A simple,
innocent meal between two platonic...
why is she touching him?

Susan sees Edie STROKE Mike's hair. Mike subtly PUSHES her
hand away.

SUSAN
Okay, that's good. He's not into
her. He thinks she's too pushy.

Edie puts her HAND on Mike's SHOULDER and WHISPERS something
in his ear.

SUSAN
Well, now she's just throwing herself
at him. It's pathetic.

Mike and Edie LAUGH uproariously at something. As they laugh,
Mike takes Edie's HAND.

Susan is DEVASTATED. She turns to Jenna.

SUSAN
Let's get out of here.

EXT. PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

Susan and Jenna get into their car.

JENNA
Mom? You okay?

SUSAN
I'm not this pathetic. I can't not
possibly be this pathetic. I make
fun of women who act like this.
Dammit! Okay, this was it for me. I
know the score and he is officially
out of my mind. I'm gonna walk away
with my dignity intact. Let's go.

Susan backs up the car, but OVERSHOOTS and backs into a RED
CONVERTIBLE. She and Jenna turn to see what they've hit.

SUSAN
Please tell me that's not --

JENNA
Yeah. It's Edie's car.

They exchange a look. A beat, Jenna suddenly slumps down in
her seat as Susan PEELS out of the parking lot.

On their way out, we catch a CAR coming in, containing Bree,
Rex, Andrew and Danielle.

INT. COWBOY BOB'S STEAKHOUSE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER

Bree, Rex, Andrew, and Danielle are seated at a booth. A
waiter wearing a COWBOY hat taking their ORDERS.

WAITER
...I'll put your orders in and then
1'11 be back soon with your drinks
and your plates for the salad-bar.

He crosses away. Andrew looks ACROSS the room.

ANDREW
Hey, they got video games! Is it
okay if we play until our food gets
here?

BREE
This is family time, Andrew. I think
we should all...

REX
(interrupting)
Go ahead and play.

Bree SHOOTS Rex a look. The KIDS leave the booth. Beat.

BREE
I know you think I'm angry about
coming here. But I'm not.

Rex STARES at Bree and says nothing.

BREE
You and the kids want a change of
pace. something fun. I get it.

Rex continues to STARE at her.

BREE
But I do think tomorrow we'll all
probably want something healthier.
I'm thinking about serving Chicken
Saltimbocca. Doesn't that sound good?

REX
I want a divorce.

Bree LOOKS at him in shock.

REX
I just can't live in a freaking
detergent commercial anymore.

The waiter walks up and sets a PLATE in front of Rex.

WAITER
Salad bar's over there. Help yourself.

The waiter LEAVES. Rex and Bree sit in SILENCE for a beat.

BREE
Why don't I get your salad for you?

REX
Bree. Did you hear what I just said?

Bree ignores him and CROSSES to the salad bar. As she starts
putting together a salad, EDITH HUBER, walks over.

MRS. HUBER
Bree Van de Kamp!

BREE
Oh, hello, Mrs. Huber...

MRS. HUBER
We didn't get a chance to talk at
Mary Alice's wake. How're you doing?

EXPRESSIONLESS, Bree stares at Mrs. Huber.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
For a moment Bree considered pouring
her heart out to this woman she barely
knew. She considered telling her how
alone and hurt and betrayed she felt.
But to do so would be admitting
failure. And that was simply not an
option.

BREE
(with a big smile)
Everything is great. Just great.

Bree crosses BACK to the table. She sets the salad plate
DOWN in front of Rex and SITS.

BREE
I got you the honey mustard dressing.
The ranch looked a little suspect.

Rex just stares at her. Then:

REX
Are we gonna talk about what I said?

BREE
If you think I'm going to discuss
the dissolution of my marriage in a
place where the restrooms are labeled
'Chicks' and 'Dudes', you are out of
your mind. Eat your salad.

Rex gives up, and takes a few angry BITES of the salad.
Suddenly, a strange LOOK comes over his FACE. He drops his
fork, then GRABS his throat. Bree looks up.

BREE
What is it? What's wrong?

REX
(re: salad)
What's in this?

BREE
What do you mean 'what's in this'?
It's salad.

REX
With... onions?

BREE
What?

Rex tries to STAND. He is unable to BREATHE.

REX
You put onions in my salad!

BREE
No, I didn't. You're allergic to...
(then; horrified)
...oh, wait.

Rex falls over onto the floor, UNCONSCIOUS. As he falls, he
knocks a plate off the table, which CRASHES to the floor.

INT. SCOTT HOUSE - BEDROOM - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Zachary Scott (Mary Alice's son) sits bolt upright in bed.
He's just heard something. A SMASHING sound. He hears it
again, and again. He slips out of bed to go investigate.

EXT. SCOTT BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER

Zachary comes out to find his father, Paul, at the bottom of
the now DRAINED swimming pool, HACKING away at the plaster
with a pick-axe. Drenched in sweat, he's obviously been
working for hours.

Zach watches him for a moment, confused, Then ...

ZACH
Dad?

Paul doesn't hear his son. He continues to feverishly SWING
away with the PICK-AXE. He is a man OBSESSED.

Zach steps down into the pool; goes to his father.

ZACH
Dad! What are you doing?

Paul, STARTLED, turns around.

PAUL
Zach, what are you doing up?

ZACH
Why is the pool drained? What is
going on?

PAUL
Go back to bed.

ZACH
Dad, listen to me. I think you need
some help. We should call Dr. Lee.

PAUL
(vehement)
I'm not calling anybody. And neither
are you? Do you understand me?

Zach is STUNNED. This is a side of his father he's never
seen. We pull back on the image of these two men standing in
the middle of a DRAINED swimming pool in the middle of the
NIGHT.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. WISTERIA LANE - EARLY MORNING

The TREE-LINED street is barely touched by SUN-LIGHT.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
The Friday after my funeral was the
day that everything changed forever.

INT. STARBUCKS COFFEE - MORNING

There is a line of people waiting to get coffee.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And it all began with a morning cup
of coffee.

Susan steps to the front of the line.

SUSAN
I'll have a large decaf, and a sweet
roll... No, I shouldn't... Aw, what
the heck -- make it two.

The counter person goes to fill her order. As she waits, she
overhears TWO TEENAGE GIRLS in line behind her, talking.

TEENAGE GIRL #1
So, are you gonna go to the mall
with me tonight, or not?

TEENAGE GIRL #2
I can't. I'm babysitting for Edie
Britt.

Susan's ears perk up. She begins to listen intently.

TEENAGE GIRL #I
Can't you get out of it?

TEENAGE GIRL #2
No. She's dropping her kid off to
spend the night. She's paying me
time and a half -- it's major bank.

TEENAGE GIRL #1
Spending the night? What's that about?

TEENAGE GIRL #2
It means she's getting laid.

Susan's face goes ashen.

TEENAGE GIRL #1
By who?

TEENAGE GIRL #2
I dunno. Somebody new, I guess.

Susan thinks for a beat, then grabs her purse and BOLTS for
the door -- KNOCKING people out of her way en route. The
Counter Person, holding her order, shouts after her:

COUNTER PERSON
Ma'm? Your order!

Susan exits.

INT. SCAVO HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

Lynette feeds strained peaches to Patsy at the table. The
kitchen is in complete disarray and Lynette looks even worse.
After a beat Patsy FLINGS a handful of peaches at her mother.
A look of utter DEFEAT crosses Lynette's face.

PORTER (O.S.)
Mommy!! Mommy!!

LYNETTE
(wearily)
Now what?

Porter comes rushing in.

PORTER
Daddy's home!

Lynette's eyes widen with DELIGHT

INT. SCAVO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

TOM is in the entry way. His boys SURROUND him excitedly.
Lynette rushes in holding Patsy.

LYNETTE
Honey! I wasn't expecting you for
another week.

TOM
I'm just here for the night. I'm
going to Frisco in the morning.

PRESTON
Daddy, did you bring us presents?

TOM
I don't know. Let's see.

Tom reaches into the SHOPPING BAG. He pulls out a FOOTBALL.
The boys CHEER.

TOM
Now I'm not gonna give it to you
unless you promise to go outside
right now and practice throwing for
twenty minutes. Promise?

PORTER
We promise!

Tom hands the boys the FOOTBALL and they RUSH outside.

LYNETTE
I'm so glad you're back, Tom. Even
if it's for one night.

They kiss PASSIONATELY, trying to maneuver around the BABY
in Lynette's arms. Tom suddenly takes PATSY out of Lynette's
arms and places her in the CRIB.

TOM
Here. Come with me.

Tom PULLS Lynette into the BEDROOM.

INT. SCAVO HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Tom immediately starts TAKING off Lynette's CLOTHES.

LYNETTE
You've got to be kidding. I look
awful. And I'm exhausted.

TOM
Sorry, baby. But I gotta have it.

LYNETTE
Is it okay if I just sorta lay there?

TOM
Absolutely.

Tom lays Lynette down on the BED. He RIPS off his shirt and
pants and then LAYS on top of Lynette and begins KISSING
her. After a beat Lynette begins EAGERLY kissing him back.

LYNETTE
God, I love you.

TOM
I love you more.

Tom begins undoing the BUTTONS on Lynette's BLOUSE. She
suddenly PULLS away.

LYNETTE
Wait. I gotta tell you. I was having
problems with swelling so the doctor
took me off the pill. You'll have to
put on a condom.

TOM
(annoyed)
Oh, what's the big deal? Let's risk
it.

Lynette stares in DISBELIEF at Tom's SMILING face.

She then REARS back and PUNCHES him in the face, sending Tom
REELING. She grabs her CLOTHES and EXITS, leaving a stunned
Tom clutching his face in pain.

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - NIGHT

Carlos, still in his business SUIT, is bent over PEERING
closely at the LAWN. Gabrielle EMERGES from the front door.
She is DRESSED in a stunning evening GOWN.

GABRIELLE
I found my earrings. We can go now.

CARLOS
I don't think this lawn has been
mowed. Was John here today?

GABRIELLE
Of course.

Carlos gets down on his KNEES. He starts feeling the GRASS.

CARLOS
Feel this. It hasn't been mowed.
That's it. We're getting a real
gardener.

GABRIELLE
(alarmed)
Why?

Carlos turns and looks at Gabrielle.

CARLOS
Are you deaf? I just said he's not
doing his job!

GABRIELLE
It's dark. You just can't see that
the lawn has been mowed.

CARLOS
It hasn't been! Feel this grass.

GABRIELLE
I think you're being silly, but if
you want to fire him, fine. We can
talk about it in the morning. Let's
just get going, okay?

ANNOYED, Carlos turns and HEADS for the car. An INTENSE look
comes over Gabrielle's FACE as she watches him go.

INT. TANAKA HOUSE - ENTRY HALL - A LITTLE LATER

A SWANKY party. The place is loud and packed. Carlos and
Gabrielle ENTER. Carlos immediately SPOTS an elderly JAPANESE
gentleman who waves him over.

CARLOS
There's Tanaka. Time for me to go
into my dance.

GABRIELLE
Carlos, wait. I need the car keys. I
left my purse in the front seat.

Carlos DIGS into his pocket and hands Gabrielle the KEYS. He
heads into the PARTY. Gabrielle WATCHES him cross away, then
GRABS a young waiter as he is PASSING by her.

GABRIELLE
(to waiter, re: Carlos)
See that man over there? Can you
make sure he's got a drink in his
hand all night long?

Gabrielle HANDS the waiter a twenty dollar bill. The waiter
smiles and nods. Gabrielle turns and EXITS the front door.

INT. CAR - MOMENTS LATER

Gabrielle is SPEEDING through the neighborhood with an INTENSE
look on her face.

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER

The garage door LIFTS up automatically. Gabrielle QUICKLY
pulls up and JUMPS out of the car. She DISAPPEARS into the
garage. Moments later she APPEARS pushing the LAWN MOWER.

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - A WHILE LATER

Gabrielle, still in her evening GOWN, is hurriedly MOWING
the lawn.

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - A WHILE LATER

Gabrielle is FURIOUSLY trimming her hedge.

Across the street, a man in a BATHROBE pulls his trash CAN
to the curb. He looks up to see Gabrielle doing YARD WORK in
her GOWN. He is nonplussed.

INT. TANAKA HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Gabrielle SLIPS in. Calm and collected, she immediately LOOKS
for Carlos.

She sees him standing with a group of men. He is LAUGHING
uproariously. He is obviously DRUNK.

As Gabrielle is watching, the waiter crosses up and takes
the GLASS from Carlos' hand and REPLACES it with another.
Carlos doesn't NOTICE. Gabrielle BREATHES a sigh of relief.

She looks in the mirror and sees a piece of SHRUB in her
hair. She removes.

INT. SOLIS HOUSE - KITCHEN - THE NEXT MORNING

Gabrielle READS the morning paper. Carlos enters putting on
his jacket. He is clearly suffering from a HANGOVER.

CARLOS
Honey, how did I get home last night?

GABRIELLE
Don't worry. I drove. So what would
you like for dinner tonight?

CARLOS
Food's the last thing I want to talk
about right now. I'll call you later.

GABRIELLE
(demurely)
I'll be here.

Carlos gives Gabrielle a KISS on the cheek, then exits the
front door. Gabrielle WAITS for a beat, then RUNS to the
window.

EXT. SOLIS HOUSE - FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS

Carlos is in the middle of the walkway staring down at the
LAWN, which has obviously been MOWED. He bends down to FEEL
it. He stands up, thoroughly CONFUSED.

CLOSE on GABRIELLE who's watching from the window. She SMILES

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

Rex is lying awake in a BED. Bree is in a chair by his side.
There is SILENCE. Then:

REX
I can't believe you tried to kill
me.

BREE
Yes, well, I feel badly about that.
(then; off Rex's stare)
I told you. Edith Huber came over
and I was distracted. It was a
mistake.

REX
Since when do you make mistakes?

BREE
(beat)
What's that supposed to mean?

REX
It means I'm so sick of your need to
be so goddamned perfect all the time.
I'm sick of the bizarre way your
hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you
making our bed before I've had my
morning pee. You're this plastic
suburban housewife with her pearls
and her spatula who says things like
'We owe the Hendersons a dinner.'
Jesus, Bree. Where is the woman I
fell in love with, who used to burn
the toast and drink milk out of the
carton? And laugh. I need her. Not
this cold, perfect thing you've
become.

Bree STARES at Rex for a moment. She is DEVASTATED. Then,
with all the DIGNITY she can MUSTER, Bree walks over and
PICKS UP a vase of FLOWERS off the table next to Rex.

BREE
These need water.

Bree CROSSES into the bathroom.

INT. HOSPITAL BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Bree shuts the door. She goes to the sink and begins to FILL
the vase up with WATER. She looks up and SEES herself in the
MIRROR. She begins to SOB. She quickly puts her HAND over
her mouth to MUFFLE the sound.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom
for twenty minutes. But her husband
never knew. Because when Bree finally
emerged...

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - A LITTLE LATER

Bree EMERGES from the bathroom looking as POISED and as
COLLECTED as she did going in.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...she was perfect.

INT. MEYER HOUSE - KITCHEN - EVENING

Jenna watches as her mother paces back and forth. Susan is
clearly AGITATED.

SUSAN
They're doing it. I know they are.

JENNA
Mom, it's over. Let it go.

SUSAN
If he just got a chance to know me
better.
(then)
Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I didn't
fight hard enough.

JENNA
Maybe you didn't. But there's not
much you can do about it now.

A look suddenly comes over Susan's FACE.

SUSAN
Do we have the stuff to make a cake?

JENNA
(confused)
I think so. But we're out of sugar.

SUSAN
(meaningfully)
Then I guess I'll have to go borrow
a cup.

EXT. BRITT HOME - FRONT YARD - MOMENTS LATER

Susan STRIDES up the WALKWAY, carrying a glass MEASURING
CUP. She KNOCKS on the front door. NO ANSWER. She PEEKS into
the window. NOTHING.

Susan looks around to make sure the coast is clear, then
walks to the backyard gate. She surreptitiously SLIPS in. We
follow Susan as she SLINKS along the side of the house. She
PEERS into a side window. Still NOTHING.

SLOWLY, she comes upon the back patio, where she peeks through
the SLIDING GLASS DOOR. Inside the house she sees...

Lit CANDLES everywhere. Plates of HALF-EATEN food and EMPTY
wine glasses lay on the dining room TABLE. However, Edie and
Mike are nowhere to be found.

Beat. Susan gingerly slides the glass door OPEN.

INT. BRITT HOME - DEN - CONTINUOUS

Susan pokes her head INSIDE.

SUSAN
(softly)
Hello? Anybody home? I need to borrow
sugar.

No answer. Susan QUIETLY lets herself in. She walks a few
steps when she suddenly spots various articles of CLOTHING
scattered on the floor. She reaches down and picks up a pair
of men's TROUSERS. She winces. She WALKS a few more steps
and picks up a woman's BRA. She EXAMINES it for a beat, then:

EDIE (O.S.)
Omigod! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Susan, hearing the OBVIOUS sounds of LOVE-MAKING, slowly
sits down onto the coffee table. She is clearly HEARTBROKEN.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And just like that the possibility
that Susan had clung to, the maybe
of Mike Delfino, was gone forever.
And despite the precariousness of
her situation, Susan took a moment
to mourn her loss.

Susan DROPS her measuring cup and TOSSES the bra aside. She's
too busy CRYING to notice the bra has landed on a lit CANDLE.

As Susan buries her head into her hands, the FLAMES from the
bra quickly SPREAD to the DRAPES.

Susan, smelling smoke, looks over and sees the BLAZING FIRE.
She JUMPS up, grabs the trousers and beats them against the
drapes, trying to put out the flames.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
It didn't take Susan long to realize
this was just not her night.

Suddenly, the trousers catch FIRE. Susan quickly DROPS them.

EDIE (O.S.)
(calls off)
Is somebody out there?

Susan freezes. She realizes she's SCREWED. She makes a mad
dash out the sliding glass door, leaving in her wake a room
full of flames.

As the flames continue to mount, our attention is drawn down
to the floor where we see... the GLASS MEASURING CUP.

EXT. BRITT HOME - BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS

Susan runs to the back fence. She turns back to take one
last look: The ENTIRE den is on FIRE.

Susan grimaces, then heaves herself over the fence and
DISAPPEARS from view.

EXT. BRITT HOME - FRONT YARD - AN HOUR LATER

The street is filled with fire trucks and police cars. A
crowd of ONLOOKERS, all in bathrobes, has gathered. They
watch as the firemen try to put out the FLAMES.

LYNETTE, BREE, GABRIELLE, and SUSAN are all gathered TOGETHER
watching the scene.

GABRIELLE
So do they know what caused it?

BREE
Apparently, Edie left some candles
unattended in the den.

LYNETTE
Poor Edie. Although, I'm not gonna
miss that lime-green carpeting she
had in there.

GABRIELLE
Really. It's a shame it didn't spread
to her guest bathroom. That wall of
waves and seashells. Eeuuckk.

LYNETTE
I know. Everytime I went in there, I
felt like I needed a dramamine.

Gabrielle and Lynette share a laugh. Susan glares at them.

SUSAN
(emotional)
Come on, guys.

GABRIELLE
Susan, we were just kidding.

SUSAN
I know. I just feel so bad for Edie.
This will be so devastating for her.

GABRIELLE
Don't you worry about Edie. She's a
strong lady.

LYNETTE
Yeah. She'll find a way to survive
this.

BREE
Besides, what other choice does she
have?

The four women stare at the FLAMES. They consider the truth
of these words as the light from the fire FLICKERS on their
faces. Just then, Mrs. Huber shuffles over in her slippers.

MRS. HUBER
Have you heard the dirt? The fire
started while Edie was having sex.

LYNETTE
Do we know who the guy was?

MRS. HUBER
No. Apparently he's at the hospital.
He suffered some smoke inhalation.

SUSAN
(anguished)
Oh, god.

GABRIELLE
Susan, you don't look well. I think
you should sit down.

Gabrielle takes Susan to the CURB. Susan sits for a beat
lost in her own guilt. Suddenly:

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
So what's going on here?

Susan looks up to see MIKE DELFINO standing next to her.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And suddenly, like a phoenix rising
from the ashes, there he was.

Susan, obviously STUNNED, rises.

SUSAN
Mike? I thought you were...? Where
have have you been?

MIKE
I just got home from the movies. Did
Edie have a fire?

SUSAN
Yeah. But she's fine.
(relieved)
Everything's fine now.

Mike and Susan share a smile.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
And just like, Susan Meyer was happy.
For once again her life had...
possibilities.

EXT. DELFINO HOUSE - FRONT YARD - A LITTLE LATER

Mike and Susan WAVE goodbye to each other. Mike stands on
his porch and watches as Susan exits into her home. He turns
and ENTERS his.

INT. DELFINO HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
...not to mention a few unexpected
surprises.

Mike reaches under his coat and takes out a GUN. He puts it
on the table. The phone rings. He answers it.

MIKE
Hello? Yeah, I'm back. No, nothing
yet.
(listens for a beat)
Relax. I'm getting close.

EXT. SCOTT HOUSE - FRONT YARD - MORNING

The driveway is littered with boxes. Susan, Lynette, and
Gabrielle are busy loading up Susan's SUV.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
The next day my friends came together
to pack away my clothes, my personal
belongings, and what was left of my
life.

Bree emerges from the house carrying a box.

BREE
This is the last one.

LYNETTE
So are we good?

SUSAN
Wait. Before we go...

Susan pulls a bottle of champagne and paper cups from her
car.

GABRIELLE
What's that?

SUSAN
I bought some champagne at the store.
It was Mary Alice's favorite. I
thought before we carted her stuff
away we'd have a toast.

GABRIELLE
Great idea.

Susan pops the cork and begins to pour.

SUSAN
All right, ladies. Lift 'em up.
(they do)
To Mary Alice, a good friend and
neighbor. Wherever you are we hope
you've found peace.

Everyone ad-libs 'To Mary Alice' and takes a sip. Beat. Bree
bends down to pack away the final box into the car.

GABRIELLE
Hey, did you guys check out Mary
Alice's dresses? She always said she
was a size six. She was a size eight.
I guess we found the skeleton in her
closet.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
Not quite, Gabrielle. Not quite.

Suddenly a COAT falls out of the BOX Bree is CARRYING. When
she BENDS over to PICK it up, she sees a LETTER, stuffed in
one of the POCKETS. Bree PULLS the letter out.

GABRIELLE
What's that, Bree?

BREE
Some kind of letter. It's addressed
to Mary Alice.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
How ironic. To have something I tried
so desperately to keep secret, treated
so casually...

Gabrielle takes the letter and starts to OPEN it.

BREE
What are you doing? That's private.

GABRIELLE
It's already been opened. What's the
big deal?

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
But keeping secrets is hard. And
keeping them from your friends is
even harder.

Gabrielle unfolds the letter. The girls READ over her
shoulder.

MARY ALICE (V.O.)
I'm so sorry, girls. I never wanted
you to be burdened with this. I really
didn't.

INSERT LETTER:

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. IT MAKES ME SICK. AND I'M GONNA TELL.

BACK TO SCENE

The women stare at it in STUNNED silence. Then:

SUSAN
What does this mean?

LYNETTE
I don't know. But look at the post
mark.

BREE
She got this the day she died.

GABRIELLE
Do you think this is why she...?

Gabrielle STOPS, but everyone knows what she was about to
say. The same thought is OCCURRING to all of them. Finally:

SUSAN
(whispering)
Oh, Mary Alice. What did you do?

As our women remain FROZEN on the LAWN we PULL BACK. A man
JOGS by. Two girls jump rope. PULL BACK further to show
another man MOWING his lawn. Cars are PASS. A beautiful day
in SUBURBIA.

And nobody seems to be DESPERATE.

FADE OUT.

THE END

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