"THE BOONDOCK SAINTS" An original motion picture screenplay by TROY DUFFY Shooting Script: White August 28, 1997 Pages Blue July 9, 1998 Pages Pink July 13, 1998 Pages Yellow July 27, 1998 Pages Green August 12, 1998 (5_5A,6,7,26,40,42,52_2A,55,68,72,73,74,76,77,89,93,102,103, 104,104A,111,114,117,118) Registered WGAw TROY DUFFY INT. GOTHIC CHURCH 10:00 A.M. ST. PATRICK'S DAY DOWNTOWN BOSTON As we open we see the inside of an enormous church. A young looking PRIEST in his mid-thirties is finishing the delivery of the Lord’s Prayer. In the back of the church, in the last pew, there are two who kneel on the cold, stone floor. They do not stand to sing, nor do they offer signs of peace when told, but they pray. They grip and rub their rosaries. They mutter their words in Latin. CONNOR and MURPHY MacMANUS (mid-twenties) are shrouded in thick waist length navy P-coats, worn leather boots and the hungry clothes of the poor. The boys heads are shaved and they have facial hair. MONSIGNOR (dismissing young priest) Thank you Father Macklepenny, for coming all the way across town to be our guest speaker today. I hope you found our little parish to your liking. Macklepenny takes his seat on the alter along side the regular priests of the church. The MacManus brothers suddenly stand, as all others remain seated. Each church goer between them and the aisle shifts his/her position to allow the boys passage, as if on command. The two turn and begin to stride for the alter, eyes down, determined. ANNABELLE MACMANUS (V.O.) (thick Irish accent) They've never been like anyone else. From the moment they were born, of the same womb, on the same day, they just had their own way, my boys did. And I always knew that one day they would do something of true greatness. I just never expected they would bring about such a... such a reckoning. The MacManus brothers are fraternal twins. As Annabelle MacManus speaks, Macklepenny is taken aback as he scans the congregation amazed to find that he is the only one who thinks this out of the ordinary. The monsignor begins his sermon. Macklepenny rises to stop the boys from this disgraceful disturbance. The elder clergyman finds Macklepenny's arm, keeping him seated while shaking his head. Macklepenny's confusion gives way to awe as he watches the brothers step onto the altar, brush by the six seated priests, and approach the enormous crucifix. They both fall to their knees and kiss the feet of Christ. They rise and as abruptly as they came, they turn and head back down the aisle for the front door. They stop at the rear of the church, turning to listen to the sermon. MONSIGNOR (loud, authoritative) ...and I am reminded of this holy day of the sad story of Kitty Geneviese. This poor soul cried out time and time again for help but no person answered her calls. Though many saw, not one so much as called. Her assailant wiped the bloody knife off on her lifeless little body. They watched as he simply walked away. Nobody wanted to get involved. Nobody wanted to take a stand... We must fear evil men and deal with them accordingly but what we must truly guard against, what we must fear most (beat) Is the indifference of good men. The MacManuses turn and walk out the door. EXT. CHURCH STEPS SUNNY MORNING The boys put on their dark glasses and pause at the top of the steps to light up their cigarettes. They both roll their cigarette butts along their tongues and screw them into their lips. In this unique way they light up, seemingly oblivious to their synchronicity and mimic. CONNOR (Irish accent) I do believe the Monsignor finally got a point. MURPHY (Irish accent) Aye. They leave. INT. NOLAND'S MEAT PACKING PLANT 4:00 P.M. SAME DAY Murphy, wearing a white blood soaked smock and apron stands around the corner of the entrance to the loading dock. He grips a gigantic, bloody slab of meat and smirks. Connor flips his cigarette out the loading dock and passes his brother's hiding place. He notices the workers have stopped, and are looking at him. CONNOR What? Murphy slaps Connor square in the face with the bloody slab. Connor's face is caked with blood as he stands stunned. He then leaps on Murphy, sending him into a pile of nearby hamburger. He grabs a large cow tongue from a nearby heap and begins slapping Murphy in the face with it as they both laugh and the workers cheer. Their boss, McGERKIN approaches with a very large woman. Her head is clean-shaven. The two are still laughing, out of breath, they turn. MCGERKIN Boys this is Rose, Baum, Gurtle... Gurtle. ROZ Rozengurtle Baumgartner. MCGERKIN You'll be training her today, and do a good job. BOTH BOYS Aye. CONNOR (wipes hand and extends it) Pleased ta meet ya Rozie. She points to a tattoo on her neck that reads untouched by man. ROZ I prefer to be called Rozengurtle by men. CONNOR (taken aback) Okay then... let's get ya started. Connor exits with Roz. MURPHY Christ, that's the largest woman I've ever seen. MCGERKIN It's self-imposed affirmative action. If we hire big, fat, angry lesbians, then the leftist groups representing big, fat angry lesbians, won't think we're violating their rights. MURPHY Well, how politically correct you are. That's good stuff. MCGERKIN Hey, those people can shut ya down. They'll sue you into the ground claiming they were put under mental duress, inner pain. and sufferin'. MURPHY Well, as long as we're hirin' fat lesbians, give your ma a call. Murphy laughs as he jogs away. MCGERKIN Fuck you Murphy. INT. NOLAND'S MEAT PACKING PLANT CUT STATION SAME DAY Rozengurtle and Connor stand in front of a bunch of co-workers who are cutting meat as it goes by on assembly. CONNOR Okay, just cut off as much fat as you can as it goes by and the rule of thumb here is... ROZ Rule of thumb? CONNOR (questioningly) Yeah? ROZ Do you know where that term comes from? In the early 1900's it was legal for men to beat their wives as long as they used a stick no wider than their thumb. Connor holds up his thumb and stares at it. CONNOR Can't do much damage with that. Perhaps, it shoulda been the rule of wrist. Ha! (he elbows her) Rule of wrist. She returns an icy stare. He hands her the knife. The co- workers all seem wary of Roz. Murphy stands on one side of Roz, Connor on the other, surrounded by a tight group of workers. Everyone is within ear shot of one another, cutting meat as it goes by. Knowing glances are shared by everyone. It is an uncomfortable mood. CONNOR Hey Murphy? MURPHY Aye. CONNOR (slight smirk) How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? MURPHY How many? CONNOR Two. One ta screw it in and one ta suck my cock. Everyone burst out laughing. Rozengurtle jabs a knife in a piece of meat and turns to Connor. She pushes him and starts walking toward him. He starts backing up, laughing. ROZ (angry) I knew you two pricks would give me problems. Give me shit cause I'm a woman. I'm not gonna take your male dominance bullshit! CONNOR (trying to calm her, but still chuckling) Oh, come on now Rozengurtle. I was just tryin' ta get a rise outta ya. MURPHY Yeah. Just tryin' ta break the ice is all. ROZ (to Murphy) Fuck you... (to Connor) ...and fuck you! MURPHY Oh, come on its St. Patty's Day. It's all in good fun. Employees gather around all the excitement. ROZ (V.O.) Baumgartner sound Irish to you, fuck face? CONNOR Now look Rozengurtle, we're sorry. Just relax. She reaches back and punches Connor full force in the face. He takes the hit very well. He stops backing up. CONNOR Why don't you save all your aggression for protests and marches and what not. She suddenly drives her boot into his crotch, sending him to the floor reeling with pain. Two female co-workers leap to his aid. ROZ You fuckin' slaves. Kowtowing to the needs of men! Get up! Get the fuck up! Leave him there. Rozengurtle begins to turn, raising her fist to Murphy. Murphy winds up and punches her square in the face. She lands on her back. The on-lookers are stunned as he walks over and stands above her. MURPHY Guess you'll have ta change that tattoo now, won't ya Rozie!? INT. HALLWAY MACMANUS' TENEMENT APT BUILDING DAY The brothers get to the top of the stairs. Connor is hunched over and moving slowly. Murphy giggles. CONNOR Fuck you. Connor flicks his cigarette butt out the large open loading doors at the end of the hall. The red brick buildings stretch down the alley both ways. The glowing butt falls to a filthy resting place, directly next to a dented green dumpster with half the paint job scraped off. INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APARTMENT EARLY EVENING This is a decrepit, illegal loft. The boys enter, hang their rosaries by the door and begin taking off their clothes. Connor sits naked on the couch and gently places a bag of ice on his crotch. Murphy stands naked in the open quantity shower. Murphy turns on the water and sticks his hand in the stream. INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APT EARLY EVENING Connor, still seated, cracks open a Guinness and sips it lovingly. The phone rings. CONNOR Hello. MOM (V.O.) Connor, is that you? Something is obviously wrong in her voice. CONNOR (interested) Mother, is that you? MOM (V.O.) Is that worthless brother of your there? I want you both ta hear this. CONNOR Ma, what's wrong? Murphy shuts off the water. MURPHY No fuckin' hot water man. That... CONNOR Shut it. It's Ma. Murphy sees the concern in Connor's eyes and takes a step closer. MOM (V.O.) It's all your fault. Both you little bastards. I was a fool to believe you would bring me any peace. The day your Da left us when you were almost too young to remember, he said the two of you would do me right and make me proud, but he was wrong and I got nothin' ta live for. CONNOR Mother, what are you sayin'? You're talkin' crazy here. Murphy is drawing closer with concern. MURPHY What's the matter with her? INT. ANNABELLE MACMANUS' HOUSE IRELAND NIGHT A wrinkly female hand grabs a large revolver resting next to a half empty bottle of Hennessey. MOM I finally found your Da's army revolver, Connor. INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APT EARLY EVENING CONNOR What the hell are you doin' with Da's gun!? MURPHY (widening eyes) What the...? MOM (V.O.) I got it ta my head now. I got it ta my head now. CONNOR What?! What are you doin'? MOM (V.O.) I want ta tell ya one last thing before I pull the trigger. CONNOR (screaming) Pull the trigger?! Have ya lost it woman?! Now just calm down here. MURPHY (eyes widen) Oh my god! MOM (V.O.) I... CONNOR No ma! No! MOM (V.O.) BLAME... CONNOR & MURPHY Oh Jesus, No! No! Oh God! No Ma! MOM (V.O.) YOU...! Connor and Murphy are both screaming in panic. EXT. ANNABELLE MACMANUS' BACK STOOP NIGHT Mom stands on the back stoop holding the door ajar with her hip. She holds the phone receiver up in her left hand and the gun directly next to it, in her right. She squeezes off a loud shot toward the heavens. INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APT EARLY EVENING As soon as the deafening sound pierces through the receiver, Connor instinctively jumps up to a standing position. The bag of ice bursts as it hits the floor and spreads across it. He throws the receiver and covers his ears with both hands. The phone then falls to the ground, skipping through the cubes as the boys dive for it screaming. The two naked, hysterical boys fumble for the phone, flailing on their stomachs in the field of ice. They finally catch it and both put their ears to the receiver in panic. As they scream MA intermittently, the pauses get longer and longer. INT. ANNABELLE MACMANUS' APARTMENT NIGHT Mom's got her hand covering her mouth, face red from holding back laughter, as she walks back into the house. She can take it no longer and she bursts out with hearty guffaws. INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APARTMENT EARLY EVENING The boys are relieved, but angry. CONNOR (grabs his balls, rolls over) Aaaww, shit!... evil woman! MURPHY Lord have mercy. That was a good one ma. MOM (V.O.) Oh, Jesus! No ma! Christ ma! No! Murphy holds the receiver in the air. Mom's still laughing. MURPHY (to Connor) Oh, she's quite proud of herself. MOM Okay, seriously, both you listen ta me now. They both put an ear to the phone. CONNOR All right, we're both here. Mom pauses and cackles endlessly once again. MOM (finally) It's only 11:00 here boys so I got lot's more drinkin' ta do with your worthless relatives down at the Anvil. MURPHY Just called ta torture us did ya? CONNOR How's Uncle Sibeal? MOM Well, you know how it is with him. Always complainin' he's never turnin' a profit on St. Patty's. Whole damn family goes down there with no money, cause we know he can't bear ta charge us. They all laugh. MOM But he's been havin' himself a nip or two as well... Been up the waitress' skirt all night, poor girl. MURPHY Well you tell him ta take it easy with that. He's gotta learn ta respect women the way Connor does. CONNOR Oh, Jesus. MURPHY I gave him his first lesson in sensitivity toward the fairer sex just today. CONNOR Don't even do it, ya bastard. MURPHY (laughs) He got beat up by a girl. CONNOR If that was a girl I want ta see some papers. She had ta be just preoperative for Christ sakes. MOM (dogmatically) Lord's name. BOTH (genuflecting, impassionate) Mother Mary, full of grace. MOM What did you do, Connor? CONNOR Well, we tried ta make friends and she gave me a shot ta the nuts. MOM (aghast) What... the dirty bitch! I hope ya trounced her a good one! CONNOR Well, I didn't but... MURPHY (shaking his fist) Don't worry, I respected the hell out of her for ya, Ma. Mom laughs. MOM Well listen, I know how my boys take ta scrappin' when they take ta drinkin'. BOTH (semi-condescending) Yes mother. MOM (light-hearted anger) I mean it now. I carried the two of you little bastards around in my belly at the same time you ungrateful pissants. Ya ruined my girlish figure in one fell swoop, and then ya sucked me dry. (grabbing her breast) My tits are saggin' down ta my ankles. I trip over em for Christ sakes, now ya listen ta me, NO FIGHTEN! The boys laugh. MOM Promise me boys. MURPHY We promise. CONNOR Yeah, we promise. MOM Well, there's my boys. (pulls back curtain, looks out window) Shit. I gotta go. Looks like I caused a ruckus with that shot. Half the damn neighborhood is comin'. MURPHY All right, love ya ma. Listen, before ya go just give us the goods, eh? CONNOR Yeah. It's been twenty-seven years. MOM Still bickerin' over that, huh? CONNOR Come on, ma. Out with it. Who came out first? MOM All right, I suppose you have the right ta know. The boys stand shoulder to shoulder, naked. They peer into the distance, ears to the phone, awaiting this most important information. MOM Are ya ready? BOTH Aye. Slight pause as mom slams a shot of Hennessey. MOM (yells) The one with the biggest cock! Mom slams down the phone and lets out a throaty laugh. The boys sign angrily. Connor walks over and hangs up the phone. CONNOR Crazy woman. When he turns, he notices Murphy is fixated on his brothers crotch. A triumphant smile spreads across his face. CONNOR Don't start. I've had ice on mine. EXT. AN ALLEY MORNING PAUL SMECKER, F.B.I. agent, is lead by the Boston Chief of Police through a jungle of ravenous reporters, police lines and uniformed officers. He is impeccably dressed in a deep red suit. He is smiling, confident as he walks. He is a very good-looking, slender man. He looks intently, for a moment, at four uniformed officers. They approach two dead bodies, laying next to a dented green dumpster with half the paint job scraped off. One man, IVAN CHECKOV, lays on his stomach, closer to the dumpster than the other. The ass of his pants has been burnt out and a large cotton bandage is in its place. The other, VLADDY, has a blood soaked bandage around his head and is on his stomach as well. There are hundreds of pieces of porcelain of various sizes everywhere. Three plain- clothed homicide detectives, DUFFY, DOLLY and GREENLY hover close to the bodies. Dolly and Duffy listen to GREENLY, an obvious rookie, give his over-confident theory of what took place. The chief is about to interrupt them, but Smecker holds him back with a smile. The two wait and watch in a position, where the unsuspecting detectives have their backs to them. GREENLY (thick Boston accent) ...so these guys are just kickin' the shit out of each other. This guy (points to Vladdy) Picks up an old kitchen sink that some one threw out and crushes this guy (Checkov) With it. All right, so it makes a big bang and alerts their friend, who's standin' look out around the corner. So he comes over and gets into it with this guy, (Vladdy) He's angry at him, right? They get into an altercation in which the look out guy crushes this guy by jumpin on him. And look at the damage here. (Vladdy) I mean this guy's fuckin' hamburger man. His spine is crushed. He's all twisted and shit. That guy had to be one big mother fucker. Huge, 3-400 pounds, fuckin huge. Smecker listens. The Chief is embarrassed. GREELY Or, okay. Check this out. Say these two don't even know the huge guy. They're just staggerin' home from a bar this morning, still all fucked up from St. Patty's last night. So they figure they'll take a short cut down the alley and this big mother fucker, he's just waitin'. And what could be more perfect for strong arm robbery? Two drunk guys all bandaged up. They're already injured for Christ sakes. He takes a blunt object and whacks the guy with the bandage on his head, right? Cause he's smart. He knows the guy with the bandage on his ass, he ain't going nowhere. Matter of fact, this guy's probably helping his friend with the rectal problem along. They're limping around like a couple of decrepit old broads. So once this guy's out of the picture (denotes Vladdy) this poor asshole, he tries to run. But look how far he gets fore the huge bastard catches up with him. Only a few yards. And what does he do? He gets creative. He picks up a sink and crushes the poor mother- fucker. Then, he ain't done yet. He comes over here, jumps on this guy's back and crushes him to death. (Vladdy) He steals their shit and beats it! Thanks for comin' out! (beat) And look at this print... Greenly points out a large foot print on Vladdy's back. Some detectives nod in agreement. Smecker chuckles as he shakes his head. GREENLY That's one big fuckin' shoe!... and think about it. Of all the ways to kill a guy, crushin' him to death. That's very particular. You don't get many of those. I dunno. I feel something big here. I wouldn't be surprised if we see more of these turning up. SMECKER (stepping into the open) Brilliant. So now we got a Huge guy theory and Serial crusher theory. Top fucking notch. (to Greenly) What's your name? GREENLY Detective Greenly. Who the fuck are you? Smecker saunters up to Greely and pulls his I.D. out of the breast pocket of his sport coat and lets it hang. The large, light blue letters, F.B.I. can be easily seen. SMECKER That's who the fuck I am. All the detectives seem disgruntled and look to the Chief for an explanation. CHIEF Listen, I gotta go by the numbers on this one. I.D. just came back on these guys. They've got connections to the Russian mob. That makes it a federal matter and Agent Smecker, here, is heading up the investigation with our full cooperation. SMECKER (transfixed on Greely) Why don't you get me a cup of coffee. GREENY What the fuck? SMECKER Café latte. GREENLY Who the... SMECKER Twist of lemon! GREENLY (to Chief) Chief, what the fuck is this? SMECKER Sweet-n-low! Greenly looks helplessly to the Chief, who simply nods. He storms off the scene, upset. Smecker turns his back on everyone and puts earphones in. He reaches down and hits play. The choir song "Agnus dei" overtakes. He begins to investigate. He kneels at the bodies for a moment then stares at the opposite brick wall. He picks up a piece of porcelain and scrapes it with his thumb. He quickly cocks his head toward the sky and begins to chuckle as he says Jesus Christ, under his breath. He brushes some paraffin on each of the dead men's hands. Duffy and Dolly watch defiantly. They start to smile at one another as they collectively realize his homosexuality. He is slightly effeminate buy not overly fey. SMECKER (loudly) Mitchell, Langley! Two uniformed officers approach. MITCHELL Yes sir. SMECKER Find the manager of this building. See if he has had any complaints of water coming down in any apartments, starting just this morning. If he's not there, knock on every door starting from the third floor up. Langley, you take this building, same thing. Mitchell and Langley exit. SMECKER Chaffey, Newman. Two more uniforms approach. CHAFFEY Yes sir. SMECKER (to Chaffey) Look in the trash around their hands. See if you can find me two bullet casings. 45's, if my eye serves me right. Don't disturb them. Mark them as they lay. Newman, root through this shit. (points to the mountain of garbage) If this was a sink find me some metal parts. Gimme a faucet or a drain cover or something. The two begin their tasks. Chaffey finds a casing near Checkov's hand, hidden under the edge of the pile. CHAFFEY Got it. It's a 45. The homicide detectives are surprised as Chaffey looks for the second shell. Smecker lights up a smoke. SMECKER Chief, could you get ballistics down here and tell them they have to dig a 45 slug out of a brick wall. He points to a bullet hole in the opposing and tattered wall. SMECKER ...and locate another that's been fired through a dumpster. He points to another bullet hole at the dumpster's base. CHIEF I got the best ballistics guy in the world. He's mobile. Got all his stuff right in the van. Can have him down here in 10 minutes. DOLLY How did you know that? SMECKER Paraffin came up positive. And bullet holes are usually a big clue. CHAFFEY I can't find the second one, sir. SMECKER Look under the body. CHAFFEY (obeys) Got it. Smecker turns to detectives with a smirk. SMECKER You guy's ready for this? They both nod. SMECKER This was no gangland assassination. Though creative, it was way too sloppy. Something went wrong here. This has personal written all over it. Now, these men were crushed and the first natural reaction the body has to such trauma is to tense up. So now the two shots fired here were reflex rounds. These guys weren't shooting at anything, but they were just about to. Mitchell returns. MITCHELL Agent Smecker, (pointing to MacManus building) This is all illegal loft housing so there's no manager on the premises but I found a lady on the fourth floor said she's had water dripping down on her whole place. Started just this morning. SMECKER Fourth floor huh? Then we're heading to the fifth. Let's go up and see just how right I am. INT. MACMANUS' APT. BUILDING FIRST FLOOR MORNING The detectives pile into the elevator, Smecker last. Greenly has rejoined them. Smecker sips his latte. DUFFY So what are you thinkin' here? SMECKER Really want to know? All the detectives chant the affirmative. The doors close. INT. MACMANUS' APT. BUILDING ELEVATOR FIFTH FLOOR MORNING As the doors open, all the detectives chorus their disbelief. GREENLY No way. You know how big a guy's gotta be to do that? Fuckin' huge. Smecker turns to Greenly in disbelief. SMECKER (beat) Oooo. I might be wanting a bagel with my coffee. Smecker exits the elevator leaving the three silent detectives with that thought. GREENLY (to Dolly) I ain't getting him no fuckin' bagel. The detectives exit the elevator. INT. MACMANUS' DOORWAY INSIDE APT LOOKING OUT TO HALL MORNING Smecker appears first, glancing in momentarily. The detectives pile in behind him. They survey the situation in total awe. SMECKER (to Greenly) We'll start the ass kissing with you. EXT. MACMANUS' APT. BUILDING FRONT STEPS MORNING Smecker saunters out, detectives on his heels. MITCHELL (approaches Smecker) Agent Smecker. I know this neighborhood pretty good. There's a bar called McGinty's down the block. It's a good bet they were there last night. SMECKER (turns to detectives) Good work, Mitchell. I'll check that out myself. Duffy starts walking down the street. A REPORTER is hot on his heels. REPORTER Hey, Duffy. What the fuck happened here? You owe me. This is the one I want. DUFFY Let's go get a cup of coffee. You ain't gonna fuckin' believe this one. Smecker is standing on the front steps in front of uniformed officers and homicide detectives. SMECKER I want A.P.B.'s put out. I want more uniforms on the streets. One thing's for sure, wherever these guys are they're hurting. INT. EMERGENCY ROOM DAY A potent song takes our ears as The MacManus brothers sit in the E.R. They have already received care. Their faces are beaten and there are bandages and dried blood in various spots. Connor's injuries exceed Murphy's. They are both clad in only their leather boots, boxer shorts and worn out old bathrobes. Young kids wait for medical attention, as their knife wounds bleed. Two nuns in the corner console a third, whose robes are ripped and face is beaten. A woman toward the end of the hall is so badly beaten she is unrecognizable. As the song builds to a more harrowing chorus, a man enters. His clothes suggest he's a pimp. He is not injured. He looks around as he stands, perturbed, at the end of the hall. He reaches over and grabs the beat up woman by the hair and begins to drag her out. She is kicking and screaming from the floor, grabbing at his wrists as he hauls her away. (Slo-mo) The boys, instantly furious, stand and begin to go toward the action, but Connor's legs give out on him and he falls to the floor. Connor, still trying to go after the pimp, crawls towards him. Murphy helps his brother to his chair and hold him tight. MURPHY Okay. Just calm down. Take it easy. He'll have his day. He'll have his (turns) FUCKIN' DAY! Music fades. INT EMERGENCY ROOM DAY FEW MINUTES LATER An old Irishman enters the E.R. DOC (70 yrs.) has a serious facial twitch and is prone to blinking uncontrollably. He has a mild stutter. He also has Tourette's Syndrome and is apt to yell his two chosen swear words every now and then, first fuck! and after a slight pause, ass! He rushes up as they stand to greet him. Murphy holds Connor up. MURPHY Thanks for comin', Doc. DOC (Irish accent, squeaky voice) J-Jesus. What the fuck happened? Are ya b-boys all right? CONNOR We're alive. DOC An F.B.I. agent came by the bar. He left me his c-c, he left me his c-c, he left me this. He hands them a card with Smecker's name on it. They survey it with interest. DOC (extremely loud) Fuck!..........Ass! Everyone in the E.R. looks at Doc in shock. Connor and Murphy don't even avert their eyes from the card. DOC What are you going to do? CONNOR We're going to turn ourselves in. It was self defense. DOC y-y-yeah that's what he said. MURPHY How the fuck's he know that? We haven't spoken to anyone yet. DOC Don't know. He didn't say. The boys look puzzled. Murphy helps Connor down to his seat. MURPHY Listen Doc, we need a favor. DOC A-anything. Murphy hands Doc a partially filled garbage bag. CONNOR Hold this shit for us, Doc. We'll be comin back for it when we get out. DOC Right. Doc exits, say one more "Fuck,...Ass", on the way out. INT. BOSTON POLICE STATION PRECINCT OFFICE DAY The station is abuzz with the story. Connor and Murphy's names are on all tongues. A legend starts. Every available officer is in the room along with the homicide detectives. Smecker walks right down the middle. SMECKER First of all, I'd like to thank whichever one of you donut munching, barrel-assed dip-shits leaked this to the press. That's just what we need now, some sensational story in the papers making these guys out to be super heroes, triumphing over evil. And let me squash the rumors now. These two aren't heroes. (rolls his eyes) They are two ordinary men who were put in an extraordinary situation and they just happened to come out on top. Yes, nothing from our far reaching computer system has turned up jack shit on these two. All we know is what we found out from their neighbors. And the general consensus is that they're... angels. (pause) But angels don't kill and we got two bodies in the morgue that look like they've been... Smecker looks to Greenly. Dripping with sarcasm. SMECKER ...serial crushed by a huge fuckin' guy. Some of the cops and homicide detectives laugh and chide Greenly. CHAFFEY Are these me considered armed and dangerous? SMECKER Well, not armed. If they had guns, they'd have used them. But dangerous? Oh yeah. MITCHELL What makes you think they're dangerous? They were just protecting each other. EXT. BOSTON POLICE STATION STEPS DAY The two are limping up the precinct stairs. Connor is draped over Murphy who helps his brother along, they are still attired as in the E.R. INT. BOSTON POLICE STATION PRECINCT OFFICE DAY SMECKER Look, look! I'm not saying one way or the other. Just be careful and go by the protocol on this one. CHAFFEY Any tips on where these guys may be? SMECKER (to Officer Mitchell) Any word back from the E.R.s? MITCHELL No help at all. Swamped from St. Patty's. Packed with drunk, bloody Irish. SMECKER Just hit the bricks nice and hard. Grunt police work is going to bring this one in. GREENLY (talking loudly) These guys are miles away by now. The brothers quietly enter in the back of the room. All the officers are seated with their backs to them. Smecker and the brothers make eye contact. He knows who they are. They don't interrupt Greenly. GREENLY But if you want to beat your head against a wall, then here's what you look for. These guys are scared like two little bunny rabbits. Anything in a uniform or flashing blue lights will spook them. So the only thing we can do is put a potato on a string and drag it through South Boston. There is light chuckling from the police at this crack. MURPHY (loud) You'd probably have better luck with a beer. Everyone turns and looks. INT. INTERROGATION ROOM BOSTON POLICE STATION LATER The boys sit in two chairs at a plain table with a recording device on it. They are very serious and alert. Mitchell enters with coffee for them. He shakes their hands and says he really respects what they did. Surprised, they thank him. Chaffey enters with donuts and a repeat performance of respect. Slowly officers start to gather around the interrogation room door. INT. INTERROGATION ROOM BOSTON POLICE STATION DAY LATER There are at least 20 officers and detectives packed in the tiny room. The MacManus' visit with the excited cops. All are in high spirits. The room is loud as Smecker walks in. SMECKER What the fuck is this!? This isn't a fuckin' tea party. Get out! Only thing I want in here is them. They all file out. Smecker and the boys look each other over. SMECKER This conversation is going to be recorded. Just answer to the best of your knowledge. Smecker reaches for the record button. Murphy puts out his hand to stop him. MURPHY (politely) Excuse me, sir. Murphy turns to his brother and speaks in Latin, in hushed tones. It is subtitled in English. MURPHY "What do we tell him about the guns and money?" CONNOR "We just got up and left. Bum musta rolled them before the police got there." MURPHY (to Smecker) Okay. We're ready. Smecker in intrigued with this tiny display. He hits the record button. SMECKER You guys are not under oath, here. I am assuming you knew these two guys from before, huh? CONNOR We... met them last night. SMECKER They had some pretty interesting bandages. Know anything about that? They look at each other. FLASHBACK. INT MCGINTY'S PUB NIGHT ST. PATRICK'S DAY McGinty's's is packed to the walls with drunken Irish. A lot of faces are recognizable from Noland's Meat. Connor is in front of the bar. He and Doc are staring at each other as if waiting for one man to give in. Connor has his arms across the chests of Murphy and some friends, holding them in place. They are interested in the competition. PRESENTLY... CONNOR (presently, imitating Doc's voice) Would someone please come over here and... DOC Fuck! CONNOR me up the... DOC Ass! Everyone falls down laughing. Doc is angry and starts throwing ice at them. DAVID DELLA ROCCO makes his way through the crowd. Rocco is thirty-two years old. He has shoulder-length, dark hair and a full beard and mustache that wrap around his big smile. He charges up to the bar and yells to Doc. ROCCO Hey! Fuck! Ass! Get me a beer! This sends everyone even further into laughter. Doc throws two huge fists full of ice at him. He backs away laughing. The boys get up off the floor and have a huge group hug with Rocco as they all scream each others names. They all laugh and commence drinking. INT. MCGINTY'S PUB NIGHT The bar is trashed. It's mostly empty now except for the brothers, Rocco, Doc and four friends. Everyone is very drunk, including Doc. ROCCO (trying to connect with Connor) ...It's not that I'm homophobic. I'm just afraid of faggots. Connor pauses then bursts out laughing. Doc calls everyone to gather round. DOC I got some bad news. Looks like I'm gonna have ta close d-down the bar. The Russians have been buying up buildings all over town, including this one... Fuck!... Ass! And they're not letting me renew my lease. I got 'til the end of the week to come up with 26,000 dollars, or they take the place. I left them a note telling them not to show their faces t- tonight. They been pressuring me ta close and take the last few days ta get all my shit outta here but it's my right to stay open ta the last. Long pause as everyone absorbs. They are upset. ROCCO Let me talk to my boss, may I can... He is cut off by everyone who obviously opposes Mafia involvement. DOC L-l-listen I don't want anyone ta know until the last possible moment. So you guys keep your traps shut. ya know what they say; People in glass houses sink ships. Everyone has quizzical looks on their faces. ROCCO Y'know Doc, I gotta get you a, a, like a proverb book or something. This mix and match shit's gotta go. DOC What? Everyone chuckles. CONNOR (imitating Doc) A p-penny saved is worth two in the bush. MURPHY (imitating Doc) Don't c-cross the road if ya can't get out of the kitchen. Everyone laughs heartily. Just then, three large Russians in suits enter. The obvious leader, CHECKOV, stands in front with VLADDY behind one of Checkov's shoulders, with another guy behind the other shoulder. They mean business. The laughter fades. CHECKOV (thick Russian accent) I am Ivan Checkov. You will be closing now. MURPHY (after a long pause) This is McCoy... we find Spock and we got enough for an away team. Everyone laughs. Ivan is angry. CHECKOV Oh, how extraordinary. A bunch of Irishmen... and they are being drunken idiots. You are killing the stereotype. I'm in no mood for discussion. (points to Doc) You! You stay. The rest of you go now. DOC Why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck outta here! The locals roll their eyes at Doc's blunder. CONNOR Calm down, Doc. I'm sure they're reasonable fellows. He and Murphy each grab a Guinness and a shot of Hennessey and they approach the Russians with the peace offering. CONNOR Listen fellas, Y'know he's got 'til this week's end. Ya don't have ta be hard asses, do ya? MURPHY Yeah, it's St. Patty's day. Everyone's Irish tonight. Now, why don't ya pull up a stool and have a drink with us? CHECKOV You insult me. I would never drink that sewage. Especially with you people. You are fools. Checkov slaps the beer to the floor. CHECKOV This is no game! If you won't go, we will make you go! The boys look at each other, remembering what Mom said. They still hold the shots. CONNOR If ya want a fight, you can see you're outnumbered. We're trying ta be civil here, so I suggest you take our offer. CHECKOV I make the offers, ass-hole. Rocco pushes off the bar. He's had enough. ROCCO (standing between the two brothers) Hey, there Boris. What would you say if I told you that your pinko, commie mother sucked so much dick... Wham! Ivan punches him in the face. He is quickly down and out. Connor and Murphy's faces turn to stone as they speak the next few lines in flawless fluent Russian with English subtitles. CONNOR "Now, that wasn't too polite, was it?" MURPHY "I'm afraid we can't let that one go, Ivan." Checkov is completely taken aback. All the Irish are fairly impressed as well. CONNOR I don't think Ma would mind. They clink the glasses together, throw back the Hennessey, ball up the thick glasses in their fists, drop to one knee and both deliver a devastating blow to each of Checkov's quads. Murphy on the left, Connor on the right. He's down for the count, writhing on the floor. The boy's each take a Russian guy and start fighting as the others start kicking and spitting on Checkov. This is a bar brawl, lots of punches don't connect. Connor dismantles his man quickly. Murphy is still fighting as all the Irish try to jump in and help Murphy but Connor goes into psycho mode, pushing them all back. CONNOR Let the boy go. He knows what the fuck he's doing! They all back off and start to cheer him on. Murphy and Vladdy are ripping each other apart. Vladdy backs him against a wall and pulls back, exhausted, for one good punch. Murphy reaches up behind his head with both hands and pulls two bottles of wine from a wall rack. He swings them toward each other with Vladdy's head as the mid-point. The bottles haphazardly connect, one on each side of his head. He crumples to the ground in an explosion of glass and wine. There is shock and silence. CONNOR Nicely done, boy! INT. MCGINTY'S PUB NIGHT A FEW MINUTES LATER They have Ivan Checkov tied down to the bar on his stomach. Connor stands with an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips next to Ivan. He pours Hennessey all over Checkov's buttocks. They all cheer. Ivan's face is battered as Rocco wakes and approaches. He punches Checkov in the face in complete rage. Two friends subdue him as all chuckle. CONNOR Now, like my fine brother says, on St. Patty's everyone's Irish. And this piece of shit is about to be initiated. As they cheer, Connor lights up his smoke and tosses the match on Ivan's butt. The Hennessey is instantly ablaze and Checkov is screaming and wiggling in horror. Some just stand there stunned, but most of the remaining onlookers leap to Ivan's aid. They furiously pat him out and turn on Connor. FRIEND #1 Are ya tryin' ta kill him, ya fuck? INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APT EARLY NEXT MORNING Connor and Murphy, fairly beat up, sit up on their beds. They wear tattered bathrobes and boxer shorts. They put their feet down into their leather boots. The boys examine the extent of one another's injuries and reflect on their hangovers. They both laugh and grab their heads in pain. Boom! The door breaks open and in hobbles Checkov and Vladdy, guns drawn. Checkov is all beat up and the ass of his pants is burnt out. A bulky bandage covers his buttocks. Vladdy has a large bandage around his head. The boys stand in surprise. Ivan smashes Connor in the forehead with his gun, sending blood gushing down his face as he falls to the floor. Murphy helplessly yells his brother's name as he is brought to his knees by Vladdy. Ivan positions Connor on his knees before the toilet, which is open to the room. Checkov puts his foot on Connor's head and proceeds, as he struggles, to hand cuff him to the old toilet. So now Connor is bleeding and hugging the commode with his hands cuffed behind the bowl base. CHECKOV (almost whispering) I was going to kill you. But I'm not... I'm going to kill your brother. I'm going to take him down to the dumpster and I'm going to shoot him in the head. Then I'm going to throw his dead body in the garbage. (looks at this watch) Trash guys are coming in 10 minutes, gotta go. Checkov walks towards the door and says "let's go" to Vladdy. MURPHY It was just a bar fight. You guys are fuckin' pussies! Vladdy pulls him to his feet and leads him away following Checkov. Connor, blood running from his face, listens to absolute silence for just a moment. Suddenly his face reads the gravity of the situation. In a split second he turns into an animal. He's yelling, pulling, tugging and growling. His body is a whirlwind of motion. The skin on his wrists bleeds profusely. EXT. ALLEY MORNING Vladdy and Checkov lead Murphy out back into the alley. Murphy is on his knees next to the dumpster. Checkov has his gun to the boy's head. He acts like he's going to pull the trigger, but he stops. Vladdy is standing twenty feet away with his back to them keeping a look out, gun in hand. INT. CONNOR AND MURPHY'S APT. MORNING Connor becomes so venomous, that he pulls the entire toilet right out of the floor. INT. TO EXT. MACMANUS' TENEMENT LOADING DOORS MORNING (slo-mo) Connor steps out onto the sill of the huge, open loading doors. He is five stories up. His muscles ripple with the weight of the toilet. His face is barbaric. EXT. ALLEY MORNING From his kneeling position, Murphy can see his brother perched 50 feet overhead. He does not let his face betray him. CHECKOV I hope your conscience is clear, Irishman. EXT. MACMANUS' TENEMENT LOADING DOORS MORNING (slo-mo) Connor bends his knees and heaves the toilet upward and swings one arm directly beneath it. He is no longer tethered around the basin. He holds it at a cocked angle. The heavy porcelain tank cover slips off the toilet. He tosses the toilet in a left and outwardly trajectory, then he jumps off the sill to the right. He is sailing through the air about twenty feet behind, and to the right of the toilet, cuffed hands above his head, robe up like a cape behind him. Murphy screams EXT. ALLEY MORNING (slo-mo) Checkov begins to laugh heartily. The tank top lands pristinely on a garbage bag just behind Murphy. Ivan's look turns to one of terror. Bam! He is crushed by the toilet. Boom! His gun goes off, punching a hole in the dumpster near the bottom. Vladdy hears the bang and crouches as he turns to see a wave of tiny porcelain bits. Connor lands squarely on Vladdy's back. His gun discharges firing a hole in the brick of the opposing wall. He is savagely crushed against the ground. Connor bounces off and hits the wall, landing in the garbage completely unconscious. Murphy takes his hands from his head. There is dead silence. He runs to his brother, pulls him from the trash and checks his vital signs. He seems okay. Vladdy, still alive, slowly crawls for his gun, inadvertently covering his own bullet casing. Murphy goes over, picks up the tank cover and clubs the man to death with two hard and fast blows, then throws it up and behind him. It lands in the dumpster with a resonating boom. Murphy quickly takes everything from the scene; guns, money, wallets, watches and a pager. He shoves it in a garbage bag and throws Connor over his shoulder and runs out of the alley. BACK TO PRESENT. INT. BOSTON POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM AFTERNOON Smecker stares astounded at Connor and Murphy. The boys examine Smecker for a reaction. He slowly builds to a chuckle. The brothers join in. SMECKER (gathering himself) So, how is it that you guys are fluent in Russian? CONNOR We paid attention in school. SMECKER Know any other languages? MURPHY Aye. Our mother insisted on it. French. Murphy speaks flawless French with subtitles. MURPHY (subtitled) How do you think he figured all this out without talking to us? CONNOR Italian. Connor speaks flawless Italian with subtitles. CONNOR (subtitled) I have no idea. Maybe someone saw and talked. MURPHY German. (subtitled) Not in our neighborhood, man. A hundred percent Irish. No one talks to cops. Period. CONNOR Spanish. (subtitled) Then I guess he's just real... real good. SMECKER What are you guys doing working at a fucking meat packing plant? The brothers laugh. Chaffey enters. CHAFFEY Ah, Agent Smecker, we have a problem. SMECKER What? CHAFFEY The press is everywhere outside. They're going nuts for these guys. What do you want to do? SMECKER You're not being charged. It's up to you. Do you want to talk to them? CONNOR Absolutely not. MURPHY No pictures, either. SMECKER Well, we could try the bag over the head thing. Walk you right out the front. CONNOR Our mother can see through bags. MURPHY Aye, she can. (beat) Any way we can stay here? CHAFFEY Sure, we have an empty holding cell, They can... can they stay? SMECKER Well, we'll have to check with your mother, but it's ok with me if your friends sleep over. They all chuckle. Chaffey is embarrassed. Smecker stands. SMECKER Time to feed the dogs. Smecker leaves. CONNOR He's a nice guy. Murphy speaks with the characteristic gay man's lingering "S". MURPHY Yes... he is. They laugh. EXT. BOSTON POLICE STATION FRONT STEPS EARLY EVENING The police chief is standing on the front steps of the police station making a statement to the ravenous press: cameras and pushy reporters. Agent Smecker stands slightly behind him. Rocco stands amidst the sea of reporters as the chief begins. CHIEF This is our official statement. The MacManus brothers are not being charged with a crime. It was a clean- cut case of self defense. We have thanked them for their cooperation and we thank you, the media, for your tireless pursuit of the truth. The press is ablaze with questions. Smecker turns and walks down the precinct steps, passing Rocco, who carries a bunch of folded clothes, and heads for the police station. Smecker glances in Rocco's direction, barely noticing the man who has already passed him. INT. MACMANUS' CELLS EARLY EVENING Rocco approaches the wide open cell as Chaffey and Mitchell play cards with the brothers. Happy to see each other the boys and Rocco embrace. He hands them their clothes. INT. MACMANUS' CELL NIGHT The boys are in a tight cell with a bed on each side. They are in their own clothes now. The brothers are fast asleep. Suddenly, they lurch forward, throwing their chests out, lips tight, still asleep. INT. POLICE STATION BATHROOM NIGHT. An officer turns on the faucet of a sink and begins to wash his hands. We go down to the pipes beneath the porcelain basin. An old leak seeps water through a crack in the floor. INT. MACMANUS' CELL NIGHT A water leak starts on the ceiling. It drips faster and faster. The water begins to follow a water damaged crack along the ceiling. It slowly spreads in two directions. The brothers struggle for air in their sleep. Then slowly, and at the same time, they each reach up one arm apiece and simultaneously curl their hands as if grabbing something. Their straining faces are brought from darkness to light as they sit up quickly, face to the ceiling. Their eyes open wide and they each draw their first breath as drops of the creeping water land on their foreheads. They look at each other across the room in shock as the drips of water still fall between them. CONNOR Destroy all that which is evil... MURPHY ...so that which is good may flourish INT. MANMANUS' CELL NEXT MORNING Murphy and Connor sleep. Murphy awakes to a beep, beep, beep. He removes Checkov's pager from the pocket of his bathrobe. INT. PRECINCT OFFICE MORNING Connor and Murphy enter as Greenly, Dolly, Duffy, Chaffey and Mitchell are having coffee and donuts. They greet each other warmly. Connor grabs a pen and walks to the hallway. CONNOR Be right back... DUFFY We would be honored, sir, if you would join us peasants, in a donut. Duffy hands Murphy a jelly donut and a cup of coffee as Dolly spreads a copy of the Boston Globe in front of Murphy. The headlines read "The Saints of South Boston." All the detectives chuckle as Murphy is momentarily absorbed. He takes the paper. MURPHY Saints? (beat) I will not accept this pizzle until my feet have been properly anointed. They laugh. INT. PRECINCT OFFICE MORNING Connor cradles the receiver of a pay phone between his cheek and shoulder. He pockets the pager. As the phone rings, he readies his pen. The other end of the line picks up and a thick Russian accent instantly begins speaking. Connor responds by speaking a few words in Russian before he realizes it's a recorded message. He begins writing. He hangs up the phone and smiles as he lights up a cigarette. INT. POPPA JOE YAKAVETTA'S OFFICE DAY. A.K.A. THE JOKE. Rocco, still sporting a shiner, enters an office. There are papers everywhere and it is a cluttered mess of telephones, filing cabinets, lamps and chairs. Rocco clutches a brown paper bag as if it is made of gold. POPPA JOE YAKAVETTA, Rocco's boss, is on the phone. He is in his late forties. He's always comfortably dressed; sleeves rolled up, collar unbuttoned. VINCENZO LIPAZZI swaggers across the office to Rocco. He is in his late thirties. He goes out of his way to look like Elvis; open shirt, gold chains and medallions. He is overweight and has a bouffant hairdo, accompanied by Elvis shades. Vincenzo flips a half dollar in his hand constantly. Rocco and Vincenzo hate each other. Yakavetta talks on the phone. VINCENZO (hushed) Well, it's the funny man. Give it here, package boy. ROCCO (a bit defiant) Joey Bevo said it was important. Said I had to give it to him myself. VINCENZO (snatching the package) Gimme the fuckin' thing. Now sit the fuck down! Rocco obeys like an angry child. Vincenzo puts it in front of Yakavetta. He sits on a filing cabinet and flips his coin. Vincenzo giggles and whispers as he pokes fun at Rocco. The two of them resemble kids behind the teacher's back. VINCENZO (hushed) I'm Rocco. I'm the funny man. Heee Hee. I'm so fuckin' funny. Hee Hee. ROCCO Fuck you Vincenzo. VINCENZO (hushed) Tell me a joke funny man. Hee Hee. ROCCO I caught your show down at the velvet room at the Holiday Inn, loved it when you busted into Viva Las Vegas. Vincenzo's face drops he gets up and starts walking toward Rocco. Roc points at him from a seated position. He's scared. ROCCO Hey, hey, hey... Suddenly Yakavetta jumps to a standing position. He yells. YAKAVETTA Fuck you! I could snap my fingers and have you dead in four hours, rotting in a truck off of Boyleston! You insignificant little fuck! I always get my fuckin' money! He slams the phone down. Rocco and Vincenzo are shocked but try to look composed. YAKAVETTA Fuckin' 90's are killin' me. I shouldn't a done that. You're not supposed to tell a guy you're gonna kill him anymore. I gotta tip-toe through the tulips with these assholes. I prance. I'm a prancer. It's what I do... sucked all the fun right out of this job. As he speaks he unwraps the wax paper in the bag. Rocco looks over his shoulder. It's a sandwich. He's embarrassed. Vincenzo smirks at him. ROCCO Poppa Joe, you want me to go now? YAKAVETTA Yeah. Thanks, Rocco. See ya. Rocco starts for the door. Vincenzo begins whispering in Yakavetta's ear. YAKAVETTA Hey, Rocco, wait. Come back here. ROCCO Yeah boss? Vincenzo continues whispering for a few more seconds, long enough for Rocco to see. Vincenzo's lips are tight. His teeth grind. YAKAVETTA I always see you talking to the boys and making them laugh. They always come around telling me what a crack up you are. What is it they call you? ROCCO (totally intimidated) The... The funny man. YAKAVETTA The funny man. Well, I got a new job for you, just for now. Roc, I'm having a real shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny story or a joke. ROCCO (terrified) Uh. Okay... um... you hear the one about the, no fuck that one... uh... oh! oh! Well... shit. Okay, there's a white guy. He's walkin' along the beach and he finds a, a pot, y'know and ah, he rubs it and this genie pops out. But this genie, he's a ni... he's a black guy. YAKAVETTA He's a nigger. ROCCO Yeah. And uh, he's pissed off. He says, "Why you crackers always gotta find my mother fuckin' pot? And he tells him he's gonna grant all his three wishes but he's gonna give all the black guys... VINCENZO AND YAKAVETTA Niggers! ROCCO Sorry! Sorry! All the niggers on the planet get double what he wishes for. "I'll take a million dollars," he says. Genie give it to him and says every nigger on earth just got two million. "I don't care gimme a yacht." Poof there it is. (intimidated, losing steam) E-every bl... every nigger just got two yachts. Genie goes... (gives up) I'm sorry Poppa Joe. I can't. This joke sucks. Yakavetta takes a long pause. YAKAVETTA Continue the joke. ROCCO (deflated) He says, "What's your third wish?" And the guys says, "I-I want you to beat me half to death." There's a long tense pause. Suddenly, Yakavetta throws his head back and roars with laughter. Vincenzo joins in. Rocco lets out a semi-audible sign of relief and gradually starts laughing himself. YAKAVETTA (still in guffaw) Very good stuff, Rocco. Very good stuff. Tell me another one. Rocco returns to terror. Yakavetta erupts again pointing at Rocco. INT COMMON BOSTON HOME ANTEROOM TWILIGHT Connor and Murphy give a huge Irishman guns, money and gold watches. He hands them two big black duffle bags and motions for them to help themselves as he counts the money. They enter a well equipped arsenal. They are giddy as they go on their first shopping spree. They toss in masks and gloves. They toss in four identical black finished 9mm handguns with silencers. CONNOR Know what we need, man?... some rope. MURPHY For what? CONNOR Charlie Bronson's always got rope. MURPHY What? CONNOR Yeah, these guys always got a lot of rope strapped around em in the movies and they always end up using it. MURPHY Oh, you've lost it, haven't ya? CONNOR I'm serious. MURPHY Me too. That's stupid. Name one thing we're gonna need it for. CONNOR I don't know they just always need it. MURPHY What is all this "they" shit? This ain't a movie. Connor pulls a large hunting knife from Murphy's bag. CONNOR Is that right, Rambo? MURPHY All right, get the stupid fuckin' rope. INT. SMECKER'S BEDROOM NIGHT Paul Smecker lies in bed with his young lover, Reuben (mid- twenties). He has an innocent, feminine look and a GQ air about him. The two have just had sex and Reuben is far more excited about it than Smecker. Reuben pants and gestures that it was a wonderful experience. Smecker watches TV. Reuben reaches over and affectionately places a hand on Smecker's chest. Paul tosses it off with indifference. Reuben has a pouty look. The phone rings. SMECKER Uh,huh. (pause) Room number. Reuben throws an arm over Smecker's abdomen and places his head on Paul's bare chest as if to now force affection. SMECKER We got a time of death? He is visibly miffed with Reuben's sudden display. He tries to pull the arm away but Reuben holds tight. SMECKER (sighs) What's the body count? Smecker is annoyed. He slaps Reuben semi-gently once on his exposed cheek. Reuben closes his eyes and holds even tighter. SMECKER Uh, huh. He bites his lower lip in anger and smack Reuben again on the same cheek, hard. Reuben jumps to a sitting position holding his cheek. He is shocked and hurt. SMECKER I'll be down there in a bit. Keep the press out. He hangs up. Immediately to Reuben, semi-angry. SMECKER What are you doing? REUBEN (beat) I was just trying to cuddle. SMECKER Cuddle?... (yelling) What a fag! INT. PLAZA HOTEL HALLWAY NIGHT 12:30 A.M. Smecker saunters down the hall, his usual confident smile. He is impeccably dressed in a brightly colored suit. Greenly stands directly outside an open door at the hall's end. A steady flow of detectives and forensics filter in and out. Smecker halts before Greenly and looks straight into his eyes. SMECKER (intrigued) He's struck again, hasn't he, Greenly? GREENLY Why do you always disrespect me like that? SMECKER Respect is earned, Greenly, never given. Guys like you should have to follow me around squabbling for the scraps from my table. INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE LIVING ROOM NIGHT Smecker and Greenly walk into a large sunken living room with high ceilings. There is a huge white shaped pit couch in the center with seven dead bodies draped across it. All the bodies have been turned so they are either seated or on their backs and bright new pennies have been place in their eyes. There is one corpse directly in the middle of the living room, making eight. This victim (THE FAT MAN) is overweight and is lying in debris made up of sheet rock and broken wood which spreads thinly for a five foot radius around him. The victims' body positions are in a circle with the fat man as the hub. Smecker is instantly engulfed. The regular homicide detectives are on hand with their I.D.s hanging out of their breast pockets. They see Smecker and back off. Duffy wears an especially loud tie. Smecker lights up a smoke. He circles around and sees another body behind the couch, which makes nine. The victim is on his back, with pennies stuck in his eyes. SMECKER How many bodies, Greenly? GREENLY (still Dejected) Eight. Smecker's eyes widen as he turns to Greenly. GREENLY (catching himself) No! Shit! I didn't see that one. Nine! Nine! Smecker takes a beat. He addresses the detectives. SMECKER While Greenly's getting coffee, anybody else want anything? GREENLY (as he walks to the door) Shit! Shit! Smecker surveys the scene. SMECKER So Duffy, got any theories to go with that... tie. DUFFY (looks down) These guys were pros. I think they were coming for one target, the fag man, he was the... SMECKER The what man? DUFFY (surprised) The fat man. SMECKER Well, Freud was right. So you think they came for the fag man, huh? And what do you base this upon? DUFFY He was the only one done right. Two in the back of the head. SMECKER And the pennies? DUFFY New hitman wants to leave his mark SMECKER That's a possibility. Y'know you Boston cops are perking up. That's two sound theories in one day, neither of which deal with abnormally sized men. (pause) Another possibility is that they were placed there with religious intent. DUFFY Yeah. Some cultures still put pennies in the eyes of the dead, or silver. SMECKER The Greeks. The Italians. DUFFY The Sicilians. DOLLY What's the symbology there? Smecker tosses the Idiot glance to Dolly. SMECKER Symbology? Well, now that Duffy has relinquished his King Bone Head crown I see we have an heir to the throne. I'm sure the word you were looking for was symbolism. What's the symbolism there? Let me explain it to you. In Greek and Roman mythology when you died you would have to pay the toll to Charon, the boatman who ferried you across to the gates of judgment. This made sure the dead came to atone for what they did during their lives, Detective... Smecker looks at his I.D. SMECKER Dollapoppaskalious. The detectives are impressed. DOLLY (DOLLAPOPPASKALIOUS) Holy shit. You're the first one that's ever got that. SMECKER (aside) Yeah, well... I'm an expert in name- ology. The detectives chuckle. INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE LIVING ROOM NIGHT Smecker is chain smoking. His clothes appear unkempt. His eyes show emotion at every new found clue. The detectives watch closely. He is hunched over the body of the fat man probing his wounds with his gloved fingers. Greenly has re- entered. He defiantly holds a cup of coffee but is too intimidated to interrupt Smecker. He sets it down and folds his arms. SMECKER I've seen burns like these before. They used silencers. Look at these entry and exit wounds. They're identical. He stands up and gives a lesson to the now eager detectives. He points his two index fingers to the back of his own skull. SMECKER The two bullets went in here, through the top of the skull, criss-crossed and exited through the eyeballs. This one clue tells us three distinct facts. Number one... Duffy. DUFFY They shot him at a downward angle. (makes connection) They put him on his knees. SMECKER Excellent! Number two. Greenly. GREENLY Uh. (thinking hard) Shit, I, uh... SMECKER It tells us that he was the last to die. All these men (fans across the corpses with his hand) Were carrying. They came in, dropped all in seconds and then took their time with fag man. Didn't they, Duffy?! (psychotic laugh) They sure as fuck did! A wide-eyed Duffy joins with Smecker, by nodding his head. Smecker is seducing all of them. SMECKER And number three, Dolly. DOLLY Uh... two shooters! SMECKER Fan-fuckin-tastic! Greenly and Duffy want to know how. SMECKER Now stay with me, boys. What did they do to make two such identical wounds? Did one guy put him on his knees, pop a cap in, sit him back up and shoot him again the same way? No. Two men of similar height dropped this guy down, each put some iron to his head and boom! That's all she fuckin' wrote! DUFFY What about one guy with two guns? SMECKER Possible, but unlikely. The angles are too extreme. A guy holding two guns to the back of your head is gonna shoot straight ahead. He wouldn't cock out his elbows, makes no sense. Besides, you telling me one guy came in here and killed eight men with eight extremely well aimed shots in just a few seconds? No way. Had to be at least two. INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE LIVING ROOM NIGHT LATER Smecker is now a complete mess. His hair is totally frazzled. He is sucking on cigarettes long and hard. His clothes are completely disheveled. SMECKER Television,... television is the explanation for this. Smecker points toward the ceiling revealing a huge gaping hole in it just above the living room. SMECKER You see this is bad television. (again pointing out the hole in the ceiling) The little assault guys creeping in through the vents and coming in through the ceilings. That James Bond shit never happens in real life. Professionals don't do that. So we've got this up here, which has novice written all over it. And all this down here that's simply a perfect textbook assassination. So here's our two possibilities. We either have rank amateurs that got lucky or consummate professionals that fucked up. The detectives nod in agreement. They are now completely taken in by Smecker's spell. SMECKER Join me in a drink, gentlemen. They go over and grab seats at the bar. Smecker mixes himself a gin and tonic on the other side. He is calming down now and going back into cool mode. He starts to tuck his clothes back in and fix his hair. He leans over the bar and sips his drink. The three detectives lean in. SMECKER With the exception of my coffee boy, you Boston detectives are starting to show signs of intelligence. So, I am going to make you privy to some information that you would not normally be. These men are all Russian mob. Not like those two peons in the alley the other day. These guys are all syndicate bosses and underbosses. I have a dossier on every man in this room. Since the Iron Curtain has gone down, the Russian syndicates have started to come here. And in the spirit of Glasnost the Soviets have opened their borders to the mafia. But the Italians, they're not convinced that the grounds in mother Russia are fertile enough for organized crime yet. So they ain't ready to commit. The Russians are coming here anyway. They are unwelcome. What we have here, gentlemen, is possibly the beginning of the first international mob war... unless I've totally missed something. All their faces read the gravity of the situation. SMECKER Now, what is this going to look like to those who do not know what I just told you? DUFFY It's gonna look like the bad guys are killing each other. SMECKER And is there an American, shit is there a man seated among us that hasn't thought about it many times, let's just put them all on an island, give them guns and let them kill each other. This is our wet dream come true. You can expect federal and local law enforcement to go only deep enough to satisfy the law, then bury it from here on out. DOLLY So, what do we do now? SMECKER That depends. You either do your job or get ethical. INT. ROCCO'S APARTMENT NIGHT Rocco comes out of the bathroom. He storms out to his small, round, living room table at which the boys are seated. He is wearing a white, polyester shirt with gold trim that is a uniform of some kind for perhaps a chain of restaurants. It is unbuttoned all the way down and his white t-shirt is hanging out. He is wearing a name tag that reads "Jaffar". He is upset. He slams down a chair across from the brothers who are sitting there cleaning guns and silencers. All the accouterments of death are sprawled before them. They are smoking as they carefully disassemble their firearms. ROCCO This better be good. (viciously ties his hair back) Talk! The boys look at each other. FLASHBACK EXT. SIDEWALK DOWNTOWN BOSTON NIGHT The boys are walking across Copley Square. Connor looks at the note he wrote at the police station. They stand on the sidewalk and light smokes. They are in their regular garb; thick naval P-coats, jeans and leather boots. They each carry a mid-sized, black, duffle bag. They are serious and business- like. They scan the Plaza Hotel from across the street. The elite exit and enter the hotel. Connor glances at his pocket watch. It's 8:45. INT. PLAZA HOTEL ELEVATOR NIGHT They enter. They look ahead, stone-faced, as the elevator climbs. MURPHY Nervous? CONNOR A bit. MURPHY Me, too. The elevator stops at the lobby level. Nine, well-dressed men enter. Their faces are not shown. The boys move to the back wall. One guy says something quickly to another in Russian. The other gives a one word Russian response. They boys look at each other. As the elevator climbs, their eyes focus. The door opens. As the men exit the elevator, each face is seen individually, all are victims from Smecker's crime scene. The elevator goes up half a floor. They hit the stop button and rummage in their bags. They suit up; black gloves and black masks. They strap on four 9mm. pistols with silencers, in shoulder holsters, one under each arm. Connor takes a large coil of black rope and drapes it around himself. He looks at Murphy and at the rope in his bag. Murphy is too excited to argue. MURPHY You and your fucking rope. He puts it on. They drop to their knees, making the sign of the cross. Then, up through the ceiling they go. INT. PLAZA HOTEL ELEVATOR SHAFT NIGHT They stand on top of the elevator before a long air shaft. CONNOR (smiling) See. I told you there'd be a shaft. MURPHY (smiling) Just like on TV. They jump into the air shaft. INT. PLAZA HOTEL AIR SHAFT NIGHT They start crawling with Connor in front and Murphy behind. INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE NIGHT The plump boss is standing in the middle of the sunken living room. His eight Russian comrades are around him seated on the U- shaped pit couch. They speak Russian, but no subtitles are seen. The fat man yells. He's mad about something. INT. PLAZA HOTEL AIR SHAFT NIGHT Connor is taking lots of random turns, left and right. He is starting to look a bit confused. INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE NIGHT The fat man is really yelling at them now. He is screaming and pointing at each man. They seem to be taking it seriously. INT. PLAZA HOTEL AIR SHAFT NIGHT Their brows are drenched with sweat. Murphy crawls up next to Connor. There is only enough room for the two to lie on their sides facing each other. MURPHY Where the fuck are you going? CONNOR We'll find it. Just calm down. MURPHY No, fuck you. This rope is bullshit. I'm sweatin' my ass off draggin' this stupid thing around. Must weigh 30 pounds. Murphy takes off the rope. CONNOR We're doing some serious shit here. Now, get a hold of yourself, asshole. MURPHY Asshole!? I'm not the rope-totin' Charlie Bronson wanna-be that's getting' us lost! CONNOR Sh, sh! Fuck you! Connor grabs Murphy's shirt. MURPHY No, fuck you! The boys get into a close quarters battle. An occasional insult is thrown as feet kick and fists fly. They begin to get tangled in their own rope. The seam of the duct breaks and a tangled mess of rope and MacManuses pour out. INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE NIGHT They crash through the ceiling right above the fat man's head. The rope gets caught and slams the boys to a halt, hanging them upside down, back to back about six feet above the floor. They are turning in circles. The boss is balled up in the fetal position on the floor. The shocked Russians say only a word or two in panic before the MacManus brothers react, reaching for their guns. The Russians start to reach for their guns. It's too late. The boys draw and fire as they spin. Taking four shots apiece. There are eight dead Russians. Chests explode as they fall back on the couch in a loose circle. One victims is blasted over the couch. They notice the fat man directly beneath them. Murphy grabs his Rambo knife, reaches up and cuts the rope. They land in a heap, scramble over to the doomed man and place him on his knees. They each put a gun to the back of his head and recite this prayer in perfect unison. BOTH And shepherds we shall be. For thee, my Lord, for thee. Power hath descended forth from thy hand that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to thee and teeming with souls shall it ever be. E nomini patri, et Fili e spiritu sancti. With the silenced pop from their guns we cut the sound and go to black and white. (Slo-mo) Choral music starts with Latin script being read in the background. They take their rosaries out. They slowly walk around, mumbling prayers as they care for the dead. They gently turn over the bodies that were on their stomachs. They brush the hair back from the victims faces. They place pennies in the eyes of al the corpses. When they finish their ritual, they pull off their masks and look at each other. They start to grin and look around. They work each other into a healthy chuckle. CONNOR (looks up) That was some good fuckin' rope. They both laugh. MURPHY That was way easier than I thought. CONNOR Aye. MURPHY On TV ya always get that asshole that jumps behind the couch. CONNOR Yeah, and ya gotta shoot at him for ten minutes. MURPHY Oh, we're good man. CONNOR Yes, we are. They are already striding for a suitcase full of money. Murphy picks up a wad of bills. MURPHY I love our new job. Just then, there's a knock at the door. They snap into action. They stand at each side of the double doors, looking through the peepholes. They see Rocco on the other side dressed as a hotel employee. He wears a polyester shirt with gold trim and a name tag that reads Jaffar. He has a good cart in front of him. They look at each other and grin. Murphy nods. As they open the door, Murphy grabs the food cart and pulls it in. Connor seizes the mortified Rocco and pulls him in, slamming the door shut behind him. They run, dragging him and then throw him in the midst of the bodies. They put their guns right in his face. ROCCO Oh, God! Don't kill me! We're on the same side! The boss musta sent you in as back up, huh? Oh, shit, please! I'm Rocco. I'm the funny man. (almost crying) They call me the funny fuckin' man! CONNOR (attempting to hide accent) Where's your gun? ROCCO Chest pocket. (they take it) Shit! CONNOR This is a six-shooter. MURPHY (hiding accent) Nine bodies. CONNOR Oh, you're good. What were you gonna do? Laugh the last three to death, funny man? ROCCO Poppa Joe said there was only two. In and out. (trying to make friends) Boy, you guys sure did a good job. You're good, huh? Cool masks. Where'd you get them? CONNOR Let's do him right here. MURPHY Right now. ROCCO (screaming like a baby) Don't kill me. Oh shit, please no. I'm Rocco. I'm the funny man!... the funny man... the funny. The boys put their faces close to his and demask. They start laughing but Rocco just lays there, wide-eyed, in shock. They boys saunter to the bar. Rocco takes a long beat. ROCCO What did you do?! Fuckin'... what the fuckin' fuck! Who the fuck, fucked this fuckin'? fuck. How did you two fuckin', fucks?......... FUCK!!! CONNOR Certainly illustrates the diversity of the word. The brothers laugh. ROCCO What the fuck a