"In writing fiction, the more fantastic the tale, the plainer the prose should be. Don't ask your readers to admire your words when you want them to believe your story." - Ben Bova [ more quotes ]

"BEWITCHED"

PILOT EPISODE

Written by

Sol Saks



NAME CHANGES: Through script Cassandra (and Cass) is now
SAMANTHA and Darrin Douglas is now Darrin Stephens.

FADE IN:

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

ANGLE

NARRATOR
Once upon a time...

We discover CASSANDRA, attractively dressed in tailored suit,
shopping.

NARRATOR
...there was a typical American
girl... who happened to bump into...

We literally see her bump into DARRIN. They are obviously
taken with each other although no words are spoken. She turns
for a last glance as she walks away. He appreciatively sizes
her up from the top of her well-groomed head to her tiny
toes.

NARRATOR
...a typical red-blooded American
boy.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SAME STORE

CASS

is looking closely, examining a mannequin, and as she moves
around she comes almost nose to nose with Darrin examining
it from the other side.

NARRATOR
And she bumped into him...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SAME STORE

CASS

Coming around counter, arms full of packages, she bumps into
Darrin again and drops packages. He helps her pick them up.

NARRATOR
And bumped into him...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SAME STORE

CASS

coming into revolving door. Darrin, coming from other
direction, without seeing, gets into same section of door
with her. They start all around together and start making
another round trip as others wait for opening.

NARRATOR
And bumped into him...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

DARRIN AND CASS

at the table together, animatedly talking.

NARRATOR
So they decided they'd better sit
down and talk this over before they
had an accident.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT

DARRIN AND CASS

dancing.

NARRATOR
They became good friends.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. OPEN CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT

DARRIN AND CASS

kissing in open convertible.

NARRATOR
They found they had a lot of interests
in common.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MOVIE

DARRIN AND CASS

kissing.

NARRATOR
Movies...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM

MED SHOT

TV set is on. Darrin and Cass kissing on couch.

NARRATOR
Television.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GRASS - DAY

DARRIN AND CASS

on grass, kissing. A transistor radio is announcing used-car
sale.

NARRATOR
Radio.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT

DARRIN AND CASS

necking in convertible under bridge.

NARRATOR
Bridges.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

DARRIN AND CASS

on highway in car, waiting as train passes.

NARRATOR
Trains...

They are kissing. They hold kiss until train passes and horns
start honking.

NARRATOR
And when the boy found the girl
attractive, desirable, irresistible,
he did what any red-blooded American
boy would do. He asked her to marry
him.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. JUSTICE OF THE PEACE OFFICE

J.P.

performing wedding ceremony.

NARRATOR
They had a typical wedding...

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

CAR

with "Just Married" sign going down highway.

NARRATOR
Went on a typical honeymoon.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BRIDAL SUITE - NIGHT

DARRIN

-- in dressing gown -- is sipping champagne and impatiently
watching door.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM

CASS

-- in lovely nightgown -- fixing her hair.

NARRATOR
In a typical bridal suite... EXCEPT.

Cass looks around the room, sees her negligee on the bed.
She makes a slight motion.

MUSIC STING. The negligee flies across the room to her waiting
hand.

NARRATOR
It so happens that this girl is a
witch.

Cass is holding back a lock of hair with one hand as she
reaches for a hairbrush. The brush is too far away to reach.
Cass makes another motion.

MUSIC: STING. The brush moves within convenient distance.
She takes it and starts to calmly brush her hair.

BILLBOARD

MAIN TITLE

CREDITS

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. BRIDAL SUITE - NIGHT

CASS is just making final pats to her hair.

MUSIC: STING. Curtains flutter and fly. There is a clap of
thunder and a more mature witch (MOTHER) materializes before
eyes.

CASS
Mother, what are you doing here?

MOTHER
What am I doing here?! What are you
doing here?

CASS
I'm married.

MOTHER
I know!... Let you out of my sight
for one minute... Well, hold on to
me and we'll be home before...

CASS
I don't want to go, Mother.

MOTHER
I was afraid of that. He's got a
spell over you, huh? Those male
witches are the worst kind. Now,
let's see...

CASS
Mother, he's not a witch.

MOTHER
What?!

CASS
He happens to be, if you'll excuse
the expression, a normal, mortal,
human being.

MOTHER
Ah, that's easy, then. I'll just
have him trip over a rug and break
an arm.

CASS
Mother.

MOTHER
Or maybe I'll give him a little
stomach-ache. I love when doctors
start poking, trying to figure out
what it is.

CASS
Mother.

MOTHER
Or maybe I'll turn him into a-

CASS
(interrupts)
Mother, you'll leave him alone -
he's a dear, sweet, wonderful,
perfectly marvelous man.

MOTHER
My poor baby. He sounds horrible.
Now don't worry, dear... I'll get
you out of here and-

CASS
I'm not going.

MOTHER
Oh, really - how would you like to
spend your wedding night with a bull
frog?

CASS
Mother, you wouldn't! - Don't you
understand - I'm happy with him.

MOTHER
Don't talk to your mother like that.
I'll tell you when you're happy.

CASS
(looking off into
space)
He's coming in.

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN sets down champagne glass and starts toward bedroom
door.

CUT TO INT. BEDROOM

CASS AND MOTHER

MOTHER
I'll take care of that.
(lifts hand)

CASS
Easy, now!

MOTHER
I'm not going to hurt him.

CUT TO INT. LOBBY

DARRIN

walking toward bedroom door - suddenly finds himself in lobby,
still walking, and still dressed in pajamas and dressing
gown. DESK CLERK looks up, startled. Darrin looks around
bewilderedly. Shakes his head.

DARRIN
(sheepishly)
Must be the champagne.

He starts toward the stairs.

CLERK
Wow - some honeymoon!

CUT TO INT. BEDROOM

ANGLE ON CASS fuming. Camera pulls back to reveal MOTHER.

MOTHER
...A girl with your advantages and
bringing up... You were eighteen
before you were allowed to stay out
after sunrise... Bringing scandal to
a fine family name by marrying a
normal human being.

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN has just come back in. He's still a little bewildered.
He looks with distrust at the champagne. Smells the bottle.

CUT TO INT. BEDROOM

CASS AND MOTHER

MOTHER
He's back again.

She starts to lift her hand. Cass stops her.

CASS
I'll handle it. I don't want my
husband walking around the lobby in
his pajamas.

She makes hand motion.

CASS
Sorry, darling.

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN has put the dangerous champagne into desk, closed
desk, then purposefully started toward bedroom door. Only,
the sash of his dressing gown has caught in drawer and as he
tries to open drawer, it's stuck. He tries to untie sash but
the knot won't get undone.

CUT TO INT. BEDROOM

CASS AND MOTHER

MOTHER
(admiringly)
Very good.

CASS
I just did that because it's an
emergency. I'm through with that
sort of thing.

MOTHER
(shakes head)
What a waste of talent.

CASS
(a bit flattered in
spite of herself)
True.
(then quickly)
Mother, you've got to get out of
here. Even witchcraft can't keep him
out there all night. It's our
honeymoon!

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN, still at bar, trying to free the sash.

CUT TO INT. BEDROOM

CASS AND MOTHER

MOTHER
...Do you realize the danger you're
in? If you live like one of them for
a year... without practicing your
trade... you become one of them.

CASS
Exactly... I want nothing more than
to be married, be a good housewife
and a helpmate to the man I love.

MOTHER
To think I would ever hear my own
daughter say a thing like that!

CASS
Mother, you're treating me like a
baby!

MOTHER
You are a baby. You've barely learned
to fly.

CASS
Well, Darrin and I hadn't planned to
do a lot of flying.

There is a withering look from Mother.

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN still tugging at the sash, finally gets it undone.

INT. BEDROOM

CASS AND MOTHER

MOTHER
I don't know where you get it. It
must be from your father. Certainly
not from MY side of the family.

CASS
Mother, he's coming and you're
leaving!

MOTHER
Oh, no I'M NOT!

Cass does her characteristic witch twitch and:

CASS
One re or re ickery ann, phillison
follosin Nicholas John!

Cass waves her hands in a traditional witch disappearance
gesture. Mother doesn't disappear at all. She stands very
much in evidence and smiles.

MOTHER
You ARE kidding?

CASS
I've never been so serious in my
life!
(starts again)
One re or re ickery ann, phillison
follison Nicholas John. Queevy quavy
english navy stiglam staglam Buck. B-
U-C-K spells Buck and out goes you.

Again, Cass waves her hands and Mother just stands there
watching her daughter make a fool of herself.

CASS
Please...?

Mother shakes her head, no. Does a gesture toward the door.

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN is just lifting hand to knock at door.

CUT TO INT. LOBBY

ANGLE

There is Darrin, still in position of knocking at door which
isn't there. He looks around confusedly, sheepishly avoids
clerk's curious stare and starts once again for the stairway.

CLERK
Boy! What a bride he must have!

CUT TO INT. BEDROOM

CASS AND MOTHER

MOTHER
I'm not leaving until I know you're
all right. You're still young and
inexperienced, dear. You don't know
the prejudice you'll run into. They
think witches work only one day a
year on Halloween... And that we fly
around on brooms. What if he finds
out you're a witch?

CASS
I'm going to tell him.

MOTHER
(aghast)
You're going to TELL him!

CASS
I don't think married people should
have secrets from each other.

MOTHER
When are you going to tell him?

CASS
Soon as you leave.

MOTHER
That should solve everything. You'll
be back home before you know it.

CASS
You're wrong. I think when two people
love each other and have
understanding...

She looks around. Mother is gone. She sighs with relief.

CASS
Good.

She starts toward door.

CUT TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN is just coming in, still bewildered. Cass opens bedroom
door.

DARRIN
The strangest things have been
happening. I took one glass of
champagne and I found myself...

His voice trails off as his eyes take in the vision of
loveliness framed in the doorway. All other thoughts are
swept from his mind. She is all his and it's legal. He starts
for her.

CASS
Sweetheart... let's sit down and
talk.

DARRIN
What!!!

FLIP TO INT. SITTING ROOM

DARRIN AND CASS

DARRIN
You're a what???!!!

CASS
(quickly)
I'm a witch!

DARRIN
(patronizingly)
That's wonderful. We'll talk about
it tomorrow.

CASS
Now! I am a witch - a real broom-
riding, house-haunting, cauldron-
stirring witch.

Darrin thinks this over carefully. He figures it out.

DARRIN
It MUST be the champagne. Now,
darling, it's been a hectic day for
both of us. This getting married is
tougher than it looks.

CASS
Would I say I am a witch if I'm not?

DARRIN
I don't know. I have an aunt who
thinks she's a lighthouse.
(slowly turns head
from one side to the
other, opening mouth
wide as he does so)
Whenever it rains she insists on
climbing up on the garage roof to
warn the sailors.

CASS
How do you know she isn't a
lighthouse?

DARRIN
Huh?

CASS
Maybe you were the one who was looking
straight at a lighthouse and thought
you were seeing an old lady on a
garage roof.

Darrin thinks this over a little and then shakes his head
bewilderedly.

DARRIN
Okay, so my aunt is a lighthouse and
you're a witch.
(puts his arm around
her)
Look, honey we've been married only
four hours... we can go see a good
doctor... after our honeymoon.

CASS
(sadly)
You don't believe me.

DARRIN
(humoring her)
Okay, if you're a witch where's you
black hat and broom? And how come
you're out when it isn't even
Halloween?

CASS
Mother was right... You're prejudiced.

DARRIN
I thought your mother was in India.

CASS
She is, but she dropped in on me
this evening.

DARRIN
(stage whisper)
Is she here now?

CASS
No.

DARRIN
Good; I don't care for even an
invisible mother-in-law on my
honeymoon.

CASS
I guess I'll just have to prove to
you that I'm a witch.

DARRIN
(indulging her)
That's a good idea. Why don't you
prove it?

CASS
I wasn't going to do any more
witchcraft... for your sake.

DARRIN
I'll overlook it this time.

CASS
Of course, I'm not very experienced
at it.

DARRIN
Well, you're young yet.

CASS
I can only do little things.

DARRIN
A little thing will be fine.
(picks up cigarette)
Any little old thing.
(tries to light it
with table lighter
that won't work)
I never yet saw a table lighter that
worked... just once I'd like...

She makes hand motion. Miraculously the lighter lights. He
looks at it in surprise for a moment, looks suspiciously at
her, then dismisses the thought.

DARRIN
Look, honey, we all imagine things.
I, myself...

As he is talking he looks for an ashtray on which to put his
cigarette. It's across the table, but before he can reach
for it, it moves under his cigarette. He snatches up his
cigarette, stares at the ashtray for a second and then decides
to ignore it.

DARRIN
I, myself, have been imagining...

He flicks the ash of his cigarette toward ashtray. It would
miss, except that the ashtray swiftly moves to catch the ash
neatly. This he can't ignore. He picks up ashtray and examines
it. He flicks ash about 6 inches away from ashtray, which
efficiently moves to catch ashes again. He turns his back on
ashtray. Then suddenly flicks his ashes diametrically opposite
to where the ashtray is. Ashtray swoops around in a ninety-
degree semicircle to catch ashes.

DARRIN
I need some air...

He starts for window, but before he can get there the window
opens.

DARRIN
I wish I had a drink.

A highball appears in his hand.

DARRIN
An old-fashioned.

The highball is replaced by an old-fashioned.

DARRIN
With a cherry on top.

A cherry appears on top of the old-fashioned. He downs a
drink in one swallow. Stares at Cass.

DARRIN
You're a witch!

CASS
That's what I've been trying to tell
you.

Darrin, stunned, starts to sit down. He would have ended up
on the floor but a chair quickly moves under him.

DARRIN
(dully)
Thanks.

Cass crosses to him.

CASS
Darling, are you all right?

DARRIN
Yes - No - No, I'm not all right.

Cass starts to sit in his lap. He holds up his hand to stop
her.

DARRIN
Would you mind moving that ashtray
again?

CASS
Do I have to?

DARRIN
(firmly)
Yes.

Cass makes the ashtray move.

DARRIN
(complete acceptance)
You're a witch all right.

Cass sits in his lap and snuggles.

CASS
I suppose I shouldn't have married
you but... I love you so much Darrin.

DARRIN
I love you too, but I hadn't figured
on this.

CASS
I'll make you a good wife, Darrin...
I promise.

DARRIN
This is not something like somebody
who just thinks she's a lighthouse.

CASS
And you've got to take into
consideration that I'm not one of
those...
(waves arms)
...big, important witches who cause
typhoons and things. I'm just a...
(moves her hands
together to show how
small)
...little witch.

DARRIN
Maybe we should go see a marriage
counselor.

Cass holds him close.

CASS
I love you so much, Darrin.

She snuggles even closer. He's now becoming aware that he
has a lovely girl wearing a negligee in his arms and it's
getting to him. She kisses him.

DARRIN
We've got to figure this out.

This time, he kisses her, long, languorously. Comes up for
air.

DARRIN
...later.

Bends her back in passionate kiss, as we PULL BACK through
window to reveal a cat moving along the window ledge high
above the city. It meows.

FADE FOR:

COMMERCIAL

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. BAR - DAY

DARRIN is at bar with his friend, DAVE.

DAVE
And if you can't talk to your best
friend, who can you talk to? I know
all about marriage... That's why I'm
a bachelor.

DARRIN
Well, here's my problem, Dave.

DAVE
The Sea of Matrimony is beset with
hidden shoals and reefs.

DARRIN
I found out that Cassandra is a witch.

DAVE
And it takes tolerance and
understanding to find the channel of
true love.

Neither really hears the other as they're both off on their
own tangents.

DARRIN
I didn't believe it at first, until
she started to move things around.

DAVE
Marriage is a partnership where two
people, side by side, face life's
obstacles together.

DARRIN
I can't tell my family...

DAVE
And when two people love each other,
really love each other, it will work
out.

DARRIN
They got enough trouble getting my
aunt off the garage roof whenever
it's raining.

DAVE
Adjustment... that's the foundation
on which every lasting marriage is
built... adjust.

DARRIN
Of course, there might be certain
advantages... like if you want a
drink in a dry state.

DAVE
(consults watch)
Well, I've got to go.
(slaps Darrin on back)
Look, if you ever need any help or
advice again, feel free to call me.

DARRIN
Thanks.
(sits glumly as Dave
exits)

DISSOLVE TO INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

DARRIN is sitting facing Doctor's desk.

DARRIN
Doc, you and I have been friends for
a long time. I don't know whether
you can help, but I just had to bring
this problem to you.

DOCTOR
(calmly)
Darrin - that's what I'm here for.
Just tell me what's bothering you.

DARRIN
I'm married to a witch - a real,
live, house-haunting, broom-riding,
cauldron-stirring, card-carrying
witch.

There is a pause.

DOCTOR
Very simple problem... now that you've
had your honeymoon, why don't you
take a vacation.
(writes prescription)
Take these three times a day and get
plenty of rest.

INT. BAR - DAY

DARRIN is now sitting there alone. He has obviously had a
couple of drinks. BARTENDER wordlessly points to Darrin's
glass. Darrin nods. Bartender refills glass.

DARRIN
Al... my wife is a witch.

BARTENDER
You should see my wife.

DISSOLVE TO INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

CASS AND DARRIN

He is pacing floor. She is sitting quietly in the corner of
a couch before the fire, watching his every move, hanging on
every word.

DARRIN
And I've gone over it and over it in
my mind and I've come to a decision...

He turns to face her. She waits breathlessly.

DARRIN
I love you and I can't give you up.

She flings herself into his arms happily.

CASS
Oh, darling, darling... I'll be the
best wife any man ever had.

DARRIN
(holds her off)
Now wait... we're going to live a
normal life...
(sits down)
You're not to...

Miraculously the hassock comes under his feet.

DARRIN
Cut that out!

CASS
I'm sorry, dear. I forgot myself.

DARRIN
No more witchcraft. You promise?

CASS
I Promise.

DARRIN
It's not going to be easy. It's tough
enough to be married to an advertising
man if you're normal. You'll have to
learn to be a suburban housewife.

CASS
(eagerly)
I'll learn... you'll see... I'll
learn.

DARRIN
You'll have to learn to cook...
(Cass nods agreeably)
...keep house...
(she nods)
...go to my mother's for diner every
Friday night...
(she nods)
...entertain clients...
(she nods)
...and spend quiet evenings watching
TV and pasting trading stamps into
books.

CASS
Sounds wonderful, dear, we'll be
just like everybody else... and after
we're settled, maybe my mother could
come to visit for a...
(she trails off as
she sees the startled
look on his face)
Maybe we'd better work up to that
gradually. Oh, darling, I'll try...
I promise I'll try.

He puts his arm around her fondly.

DARRIN
I'm glad that's settled. Let's drink
to it.

CASS
An old fashioned?

DARRIN
With a cherry on top.

She starts to make a motion with her hand. Stopped at his
glare.

CASS
(happily)
I'll make it all by myself.

Throws a kiss at him and exits. Darrin is lost in thought.

DARRIN
We'll work it out some way... so my
wife is a witch...
(looks directly into
camera)
Every married man has to make some
adjustments. Nobody's perfect.

SLOW FADE

MIDDLE BREAK

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Close shot - sink full of dirty dishes.

CUT TO:

CLOSE SHOT - Disordered array of ingredients for cake.

CUT TO:

CLOSE SHOT - two opened eggs on plate, behind which is a
book propped open at page reading: "Angel Food cake separate
the yolks from the whites of two eggs..."

We see a spoon come into shot trying to separate the white
from the yolk, unsuccessfully, of course, because the white
keeps oozing back. Then the spoon tries to pick up the yolk.
It breaks, mixing with the white. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal
Cass in a very disordered kitchen. Her hair is disheveled,
her demeanor rather desperate. She puts the eggs into the
mixture under a mixmaster and turns the switch. The entire
concoction whirls around, spraying her and the room. Cass
gives up.

CASS
(wails)
Mother!

Mother appears. She peers into bowl.

MOTHER
That's an interesting brew. What
does it do?

CASS
I was trying to bake a cake. Mother,
I don't know how I'm going to manage.
I've got to do the dishes, clean the
kitchen, vacuum and dust, make the
beds, shop and then prepare dinner.

MOTHER
Tsk... tsk... How did a nice witch
like you get into a spot like this?

Phone rings. Mother squeals in surprise.

MOTHER
What's that?

CASS
(wearily)
The phone again. It's been ringing
all morning with people trying to
sell me encyclopedias and roofing
for the house.

MOTHER
(eagerly)
Can I answer it?

CASS
Go ahead.

Cass starts to put dishes in sink while Mother picks up phone.

MOTHER
(in phone)
Hello?
(to Cass)
Somebody wants to know when the
Revolutionary War was fought.

CASS
Oh Mother...!
(takes phone from
Mother and speaks
into it)
I beg your pardon?
(hands phone back to
Mother in surprise)
You're right.

MOTHER
(in phone)
Which Revolutionary War were you
referring to honey? I've seen them
all... Oh, that one... Let's see...
that's when Salem was THE place to
live... oh, yes... that was in 1776...
Of course I'm right, I was there...
Oh, isn't that sweet...
(to Cass)
He says I just won four free Bossa
Nova lessons...
(in phone)
That's very kind of you, honey, and
since you're so sweet, I'll teach
you a dance in exchange... we've got
to wait for a full moon... and then
if you get a cauldron and grind up
some bats and--
(to Cass)
He hung up.

Cass meanwhile has finished stacking dishes in dishwasher.
Only she simply stacks them instead of putting them in the
racks.

MOTHER
What's that?

CASS
It washes dishes.

MOTHER
Imagine! Do you know the right words?

CASS
(reading directions)
You don't use words... you just press
this button.

She presses the button and through glass door we can see the
jets of water and agitator smashing dishes to smithereens.

MOTHER
Unbelievable... And a great
improvement over those complicated
incantations.

CASS
Mother, if you could help me instead
of...

MOTHER
Okay, okay...

She walks out of shot. Cass, in cleaning up, notices electric
can opener. She studies it, puts a can in, presses button
and then looks at opened can, awed.

CASS
What do you know!

She turns to Mother. But Mother isn't there. Concerned, Cass
goes into living room looking for her.

INT. LIVING ROOM

ANGLE

Mother is serenely resting on couch thumbing through Science
Fiction magazine while the vacuum cleaner is working by itself
and a dustcloth, untouched by human hands, is dusting.

CASS
Mother, stop that.

With a wave of her hand, Mother does.

MOTHER
You wanted me to help.

CASS
I told you. I intend to be a good
wife and housekeeper without ever
again resorting to witchcraft.

MOTHER
Offhand, I'd say that's impossible.
(gets up - tosses
magazine on chair)
I'm in the middle of a story about a
mad doctor who has an invention that
counteracts the law of gravity...
And they're chasing him across a
ceiling... so he opens a skylight
and they all fall UP.

CASS
Mother, we've got work to do.

MOTHER
(climbing down)
Where do writers GET those cockamamie
ideas?

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENES 43 THRU 48 OMITTED

EXT. DARRIN'S OUTER OFFICE

Angle on door reading "McMann AND TATE, ADVERTISING, Darrin
Stephens, vice-pres." Sheila comes into SHOT and opens door.

INT. DARRIN'S OUTER OFFICE

Secretary looks up as Sheila enters.

SECRETARY
Oh, Miss Sommers! I'm afraid Mr.
Stephens is still all tied up, and--

SHEILA
Don't give it a thought, Helen. I
know he'll be glad to see me. I'll
just dash in for a moment.

Secretary rises to protest but Sheila has already opened the
door to Darrin's inner office and is exiting.

INT. DARRINS OFFICE

ANGLE

Sheila enters. Darrin scrambles to his feet.

SHEILA
Darrin!

DARRIN
(not too sure of the
reception he will
receive)
Sheila!

He laughs nervously, tries to pretend nothing is wrong, offers
his hand stiffly. She ignores it and plants a kiss on his
mouth.

SHEILA
Darling, I just got back from Nassau
yesterday. I've been trying to reach
you. I left a message with your
secretary. When I didn't hear from
you, I decided to invade your office.
Why didn't you call me?

DARRIN
Well, Sheila... uh... you see... I
just got back from... actually I...
well... I was... I mean I am... that's
some tan you've got there.

SHEILA
Thank you, sweetheart. But why didn't
you...

DARRIN
(takes a deep breath
and plunges)
I'm married!

SHEILA
I know, dearest! Congratulations.

DARRIN
(numb)
Thank you.
(she's smiling)
Don't you care?

SHEILA
(warmly)
Oh, sweetheart. Care? Of course I
care. After all, if I hadn't left
for Nassau when I did, it might have
been me. But no hard feelings, you
sneak. I couldn't be happier for
you. I'm sure she's an angel.

Darrin reacts.

SHEILA
Darling, I stopped by to ask the two
of you to drop over tonight if you
hadn't any other plans. A few of the
gang are coming over for pot-luck...
nothing fancy... very relaxed. Sitting-
on-the-floor kind of stuff.

DARRIN
Well, that's very nice of you, Sheila.
But, I don't know.

SHEILA
Darrin, I don't understand.

DARRIN
Well... it's just that it might be
too soon to spring a whole new set
of people on her. She's not quite
used to...

SHEILA
Too soon? Don't be silly. Darrin,
we're your friends. We are dying to
meet her. That is... unless YOU'D be
uncomfortable...

DARRIN
ME? Not at all.

SHEILA
Fine. It's all set, then. Seven thirty
tonight. I've got to dash. See you
later.

Sheila leaves and he is happy.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KITCHEN DAY

CLOSE SHOT OPEN DISHWASHER

Every dish is in smithereens.

MOTHER'S VOICE
They're clean, all right. Now how do
you get them back together again?

CAMERA PULLS BACK, REVEALS Mother and Cass staring into
dishwasher, the latter very sadly. The kitchen is a mess.
Cass starts to sob.

CASS
Everything's going wrong. I'll never
learn.

Buries her head on Mother's shoulder.

MOTHER
(sympathetically)
Dishwashers... women's clubs...
freeways... I'd be frightened to
death, too. This normal world is
crazy.

Sound: phone rings.

MOTHER
(starts for phone)
That must be that nice man who wants
to teach me the Bossa Nova...

CASS
(stops her)
I'd better get it...

Cass crosses to phone.

CASS
(on phone)
Hello...

MOTHER
Ask him if I can bring a friend.

Cass puts hand over mouthpiece.

CASS
It's my husband...
(happily)
I won't have to make dinner tonight!

During following phone conversation, Mother wanders over to
electric waxer. Curiously she handles it. It goes on as she
accidentally touches button. She jumps away but the waxer
keeps following her. She tries to reach over and turn it off
but it keeps attacking. In desperation, she makes magical
move with her hand and the waxer stops. She makes another
move of her hand and it retires to corner. One more angry
move and it obediently lies down. Mother gives the defeated
waxer a triumphant "that'll show you" look.

CUT TO:

INT. DARRIN'S OFFICE

DARRIN, ON PHONE

DARRIN
...and she asked us to drop over for
a potluck supper with a few of my
old chums... it's just sort of a
last minute thing - wear something
casual. Hmm? Oh, she's just an old
friend.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN

CASS ON PHONE

CASS
How old?

DARRIN'S VOICE
Well, Sheila and I were... were...
FRIENDS.

CASS
You mean like you went fishing with
her and played poker with her and...

DARIN'S VOICE
(laughs)
No... not Sheila. Sheila's more the
indoor type.

CASS
What!

DARRIN'S VOICE
(hastily)
Darling, it's... well, nothing. Don't
worry, you'll enjoy yourself tonight.

CASS
All right, dear. I'll be ready. Good-
bye.
(hangs up phone)

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SHEILA'S HOME NIGHT

FULL SHOT

Car drives up. It's rather an imposing-looking house. Darrin
and Cass get out and approach door. Cass is dressed in simple
skirt and blouse with hair tied in back, and flats.

CASS
My, it's a pretty fancy looking house.

DARRIN
(starts to press
doorbell; stops)
Now Cass, I want you to promise...
No tricks.

CASS
Darling, I told you I'm not...

DARRIN
Promise.

CASS
Scout's honor.

She raises her right hand with fingers crossed.

DARRIN
Not that way.

He uncrosses her fingers and puts the thumb and little finger
in scout's salute. He presses doorbell.

DARRIN
This will be a good opportunity to
start learning to fit into a normal
life... a casual little get-together
with friends.

Door is opened by butler who stands aside. Cass is transfixed
with one hand still held up in scout salute, until Darrin
nudges her and they enter foyer.

INT. ENTRY HALL - NIGHT

CASS AND DARRIN

They stop dead as they see drawing room of impeccably dressed
guests having cocktails.

ANGLE ON SHEILA

as she comes forward to greet them. She is beautifully
dressed, perfectly coiffured, assured... the type any woman
can hate.

SHEILA
Darrin, DARLING.

She throws her arms around Darrin and gives him a very warm
kiss. Cass watches. This is a little too affectionate for
the casual friendship Darrin described.

SHEILA
And this is your little bride?

She takes Cass's hand.

CASS
How do you do.

SHEILA
Oh, Darrin, she's SWEET.

CASS
(uncomfortably)
I guess I should have dressed more...

SHEILA
Not at all, dear. You look... sweet.
I can tell you're the type that always
dresses so... so... so SENSIBLY...
you know - the capable type. Darrin,
I'll bet she's good at typing, cooking
and taking care of the household
accounts and playing golf and all
those things poor little me can't do
at all.

Cass opens her mouth to answer but Sheila continues.

SHEILA
Won't you come in and meet my friends?

She precedes them into the living room. Darrin speaks through
the side of his mouth to Cass.

DARRIN
Sweetheart, I think you're being
jobbed. Want to get a sudden headache
and leave?

CASS
(through clenched
teeth)
I will not.

She forces a smile as she walks into the living room.

SHEILA
Folks, I want you to meet Darrin's
little bride.

They all, including Darrin, turn toward Cass who tries to
make a brave little smile but would much rather disappear
through the floor.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

GROUP SHOT

They are all around table. Darrin is sitting on Sheila's
right and she has him monopolized in intimate conversation.
Cass is at the foot of the table next to a portly middle-
aged man more interested in his food than anything else.
Cass looks uncomfortably lonely.

DARRIN
Are you all right dear?

CASS
Fine, fine... thank you.

SHEILA
Now don't worry about Cassandra.
Since she's a stranger, we're going
to help her. Now first dear, we'll
have to get you a GOOD dressmaker.

CASS
But I don't need...

SHEILA
And then we'll introduce you to
Pierre. He does wonders with hard-to-
manage hair... Incidentally, we must
have met somewhere before... Newport?

Cass shakes her head.

SHEILA
The Riviera?
(sudden idea)
The Debutantes Ball! When did you
come out?

CASS
Three weeks ago

All look at her in amazement.

DARRIN
(nastily)
She means she came out of NEW YORK
three weeks ago. She's been traveling
with her parents.

SHEILA
Talking about traveling... do you
remember the time, Darrin, we ran
into each other in Paris and you...

She whispers something obviously wickedly amusing in Darrin's
ear. Cass angrily starts making gestures with her hand and a
plate of soup starts to slide toward Sheila. Cass thinks
better of it, stops in mid-motion and soup plate stops
sliding. Cass turns to see if her dinner companion has
noticed.

MAN
Good soup.

CASS
Yes, it is.

MAN
Sheila always looks so beautiful.
Never a hair out of place. Wonderful
girl. Nothing she can't do. Did you
know she owns her own plane?

CASS
Oh?

MAN
Do you fly?

CASS
Oh yes.

MAN
How long have you been at it?

CASS
Ever since I was a little girl.

MAN
Remarkable!

CLOSE THREE SHOT WOMAN-DARRIN-SHEILA

Woman is speaking to Darrin.

WOMAN
Darrin, only last night, at dinner,
Harry was telling me that you were
the brightest young prospect in the
agency business - real Madison Avenue
know-how.

DARRIN
That's nice to hear, Mr. Rutherford.

They continue en sotto as Sheila takes advantage of his
distraction with:

SHEILA
Do you know Dr. Hafter, dear?
Cassandra!

CASS
I beg your pardon?

SHEILA
Dr. Hafter... Do you know him?...
the plastic surgeon... does the
beautiful nose work.

CASS
I don't know him.

SHEILA
Funny... I could have sworn... oh
well...

She goes back to talking to Darrin.

CLOSE SHOT CASS'S FISTS

clenched tightly in her lap.

CASS
(half to herself)
I won't do it... I promised Darrin...
I won't do it.. I won't do it.

MAN
You won't do what?

CASS
I won't...

Her attention is caught by Sheila who has started an animated
conversation with Darrin.

SHEILA
Do you remember that delightful time
we had with the countess at Maxim's?
(Darrin nods dully)
You know, of course, she finally
married that darling man you
introduced her to. What was his name?
The last I heard they were involved
in the most delicious scandal...

Sheila leans close to Darrin and whispers naughtily. Cass
looks at the chatty couple with a smile.

CASS

CASS
Maybe I will.

Cass makes a slight hand move at her shoulder. And as Sheila
straightens to go on with her conversation:

SHEILA
Oh, and the tennis matches... start
in East Hampton...
(hair falls in face,
she pushes it back -
irritated)
on Saturday so I thought we could
get the same group we had last...
(hair falls again)
year. My house is open and we could
make a weekend of it.

CASS

as she smiles demurely and makes a hand motion to her nose.

SHEILA AND DARRIN

Sheila is breezing along in spite of irritations.

SHEILA
Wouldn't that be divine...
(hair falls again)
I hope the weather will be good...
I'd love...
(her nose suddenly
itches - she twitches
it as she continues)
...to have another one of those divine
clambakes.
(another twitch. He
picks up on it)

Sheila can stand it no longer, especially with Darrin
twitching along with her. She grabs a napkin and has a
desperate and very unladylike nose scratch behind it. Covering
it with a smile she turns to her soup.

WOMAN
(says to Darrin)
We'd so like to have you and Cassandra
for dinner next week. If Tuesday is
good for you and Cassandra, Harry's
having Mr. Donahue of Donahue and
Thomas over for dinner. I thought it
might be a good opportunity for you
two to meet.

Sheila waits patiently and then jumps in with:

SHEILA
I'll never forget how cozy it was
sitting by the fire.
(she smiles wickedly -
we see a piece of
watercress caught on
a tooth, blacking it
out)
How the others slipped away...

Darrin, embarrassed, tries to tell her what's wrong by working
his mouth, as if dislodging something from his own tooth.

She realizes, pauses, trying to maintain her composure. Takes
napkin, places it to her mouth and does the necessary digging
behind it.

SHEILA
(continuing)
...is still beyond me.

She laughs raucously and turns to her salad, daintily takes
a nibble and turns to Darrin - fully composed and assured...
except there is a lettuce leaf oily perched on her chin.

SHEILA
(continuing; radiant)
And, darling, wasn't that sunrise...
magnificent.

Cass looks on bewildered by her perseverance. As Sheila starts
to put her elbow on the table so she can get even closer to
Darrin, the soup bowl slides under her arm so her elbow ends
up in the soup. Darrin tries to help her with his napkin.

SHEILA
You know Gregory the painter?
(he nods)
Well, don't plan to be home early
for dinner Wednesday night. Gregory's
asking a few close friends in to see
his new paintings and you must come
with me to tell me what to buy. I'll
pick you up at your office at six.

As Sheila reaches the end of the sentence she sneezes one
huge sneeze right into her soup bowl. EVERYTHING HAPPENS AT
ONCE. The soup goes all over the table, her hair falls,
both straps go, and her zipper breaks. She's furious.

SHEILA
(continuing)
My zipper!!!

The MAID, holding an empty platter, tries to help. Suddenly
a plate of cooked food (beets and carrots) slides onto
Sheila's lap.

SHEILA
(continuing shrieks)
What are you doing???!!!

MAID
(bewildered)
I don't know. I thought I was carrying
an empty tray.

Sheila, holding her hair with one hand and zipper with the
other, starts to hurry out. Her heel catches in the rug and
breaks off.

SHEILA
My heel!!!

As she limps toward the hall she drops her bracelet. Darrin
rises, picks up bracelet and heel and goes to help her with
zipper. As he starts to touch her he gets an invisible kick
in the pants, which stops him. Suddenly the front door is
blown open and a gigantic blast of wind hits Sheila. Her
clothes are whipped madly about her and much to her horror
her wig is ripped off her head. She bursts into tears of
fury and frustration and dashes up the stairs. Everyone in
the room is in a state of shock, except Cass.

CUT TO:

CASS

She is sympathetically batting her innocent eyes.

CASS
(to man)
The soup IS wonderful... I'll just
HAVE to get the recipe.

FADE FOR COMMERCIAL

SCENES 63 AND 64 OMITTED

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

ANGLE

Cass is there looking around disconcertedly. It is in the
same mess she left it and she doesn't know where to start.
Darrin comes in wearing dressing gown. From behind, he puts
his arms around her waist.

DARRIN
I'm sorry things went wrong at
Sheila's.

CASS
Yes - she's a little hysterical,
isn't she?

DARRIN
Cass, wouldn't it have been easier
to go to that Italian restaurant?

CASS
Why should you think that I--

DARRIN
Never mind. She sure had it coming.
Incidentally, honey, you looked
wonderful and outside of Sheila, I
think you made a big hit with
everyone.

CASS
Thank you, darling.

DARRIN
People like you for your normal self,
so no more of that--
(makes a motion with
his hand)
--stuff. Tonight it's finished. Right?

CASS
Right. I'm never going to do it again.

DARRIN
That's my girl...
(nuzzles her frequently)
Why don't we get out of this kitchen?

CASS
I've just GOT to get it straightened
up first.

DARRIN
(whispers into her
hair)
Hurry.

He exits. Cass determinedly makes start at dishes. The first
one slips out of her hand. She gives up.

CASS
Oh, well...

She makes a motion with her hand. Kitchen is immediately
cleaned up, with dishes stacked and everything in it's place.

CASS
Maybe I can taper off.

DARRIN'S VOICE
Sweetheart...

CASS
Coming, darling.

FADE OUT

THE END

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