"THE BATTLE OF SHAKER HEIGHTS" by Erica Beeney FADE IN: EXT. FOREST – DAY DISTANT GUN AND MORTAR FIRE Muffled by the wet green forest. The very earth seems to tremble. A RABBIT Darts out of a log, lifts itself on its hind legs and sniffs the air. LOBBED GRENADE EXPLODES VOICES and SHOUTS, closer now, mix with the rumbling WAR SOUNDS in a veritable symphony of violence and confusion. A DEAD AMERICAN GI lays splayed out, careless in death. A pair of SOLDIERS flash among the trees, running hunched over and low, and disappear into the gray blooms of SMOKE. For a moment the forest takes a breath. Nothing but trembling leaves. Then – The RATTLE of a Jeep Coming closer in fits and starts, GRINDING through low gears. A Willys MB appears, CRASHING through the undergrowth. It's driven by Private First Class KELLY ERNSWILER. Eighteen, if that. Not much meat on him. His insignias indicate he's in the 29th Infantry. His face might be attractive, under other conditions. He pauses and pulls a map from the pocket of his M41 standard- issue field jacket. KELLY Where the hell are those Krauts? To give himself courage, he SINGS Tommy Dorsey's "I'll Be Seeing You [in all the old familiar places]" while maneuvering the Jeep through the bushes and rocks. He drives straight for a fallen LOG, GUNS the engine and tries to go over it. The Jeep's FRONT WHEELS catch on the log. The BACK TIRES spin. Kelly gets out. Takes off his M1 combat helmet and wipes his face. Assesses the situation. He grabs a BRANCH. Jams it under the wheel, trying to lever the Jeep free. When -- The STUTTER of a nearby MACHINE GUN startles him. The branch SNAPS against Kelly's weight. He slips and falls in the mud. KELLY Shit. Determined, he grabs his pack and carbine and sets off on foot through the forest. EXT. CLEARING Kelly strides purposefully out of the woods. Pauses against a split-rail fence beneath the innocent sun. Across the clearing stands a seemingly abandoned BARN. But not for long, as TWO GERMAN INFANTRYMEN appear around the corner of it. Kelly moves behind a tree to assess the situation. Unaware, the Germans smoke and talk. Kelly's too far away to hear them but he watches their every move. They're relaxed, not as on guard as they should be. Their Karabiners rest slung across their backs. KELLY Bingo. AGAINST THE TREE Kelly focuses himself. Then he shoulders his carbine. Pulls out his dog tags and kisses them grimly. KELLY "And so they buried Hector, breaker of horses." He takes his Smith & Wesson 1917 PISTOL from his pistol belt and steps out into the SUNLIGHT FIELD in plain sight of the guards. Surely he knows they can see him. He must want them to see him. But they don't. Too busy passing nudie wallet photos. Halfway across the open grass, Kelly raises the pistol but does not aim it. Just strides steadily closer, arms spread out, making himself an easy target. Crazy as it seems, Private Kelly Ernswiler is trying to get himself killed. EXT. BARN Kelly pauses not twenty feet from the Germans, FIRES into the air and waves -- -- when from behind him comes a voice. GERMAN OFFICER (O.S.) Eine maus findet den kase. Kelly whips around to face a third German, the OFFICER. His pistol points right into the Officer's shocked pink young face. Point blank range. Only – Kelly doesn't fire. He just lowers the pistol. The German smiles. KELLY Kill me Adolf. GERMAN OFFICER Mien Prisoner! The Infantrymen have recovered from their idle and come running. One of them yanks Kelly's hands behind his back and pushes him into the barn roughly. Kelly doesn't struggle. KELLY Hey, Siegfreid and Roy. What are you waiting for? Kill me. INT. BARN Kelly sits slumped in a chair, legs tied up. One of the Germans shines a flashlight in his face. Kelly squints. KELLY Come on you pussies. Let's get this over with. The German Officer produces a piece of paper and a fountain pen. GERMAN OFFICER (German accent) You will write your mother. Tell her how you will die now. Kelly takes the pen and examines it. KELLY Genuine Third Reich issue, no less. Nice work. The Officer pokes the paper. GERMAN OFFICER You will write. How you die alone. KELLY My mother and I don't have that kind of relationship. GERMAN OFFICER (hisses) Write. Kelly thinks about it for a minute – should he or shouldn't he – but sighs and begins writing. After a few lines, the Officer snatches the paper away and passes it to an Infantryman. GERMAN OFFICER Enough. Now you will beg for your life. KELLY What don't you understand? INFANTRYMAN (interrupts sheepishly in German accent) The protocol says we should – The Officer wheels around and scowls at the speaker. He seems to be getting a bit hysterical. GERMAN OFFICER I am the fucking protocol. (to Kelly) Beg! He and Kelly glare at each other. The Officer FIRES his Luger into the rafters. GERMAN OFFICER Beg – for – your – life! KELLY You got to be kidding me. The Officer grabs his throat. GERMAN OFFICER Silence. Now I have a little fun. Kelly laughs. The officer slaps him. Kelly jerks away. KELLY Now that's against the rules. GERMAN OFFICER (sneers) There are no rules in war. Suddenly another AMERICAN GI appears behind the German in the shadows. Only Kelly can see him. The GI motions to Kelly "keep talking" while he gets into a better position with his M-1 rifle. KELLY (to Officer) You've never killed anyone before, have you? GERMAN OFFICER I shower in the blood of my victims -- The GI shoots the two infantrymen who fall in exaggerated pain and commence death throes. Quick as a flash, the GI's Colt 1911 PISTOL is at the German Officer's neck, his M-1 in his other hand. GI No wonder you smell so bad. GERMAN OFFICER Don't shoot, please. The GI's eyes widen. He looks at Kelly. GI Will you look at the manners on this guy? (to German) Remember to thank me when I kill you. GERMAN OFFICER No, really, not in the neck – But the GI does anyway. The Officer SHRIEKS, grabs at his neck, and falls. GI (to Kelly) You all right? KELLY Yeah. My elaborate death scene wasn't going anywhere anyway. GI You want me to give you a minute? KELLY That's okay. They'll get me eventually. If you can't get killed in a war, when can you? GI That's right. Look on the bright side. The GI holds out his hand. GI Bart. Bart Bowland. Kelly takes the hand of the grinning all-American type guy. About his own age, but BART takes up more space. KELLY Kelly. Kelly Ernswiler. BART Kelly? KELLY (mimics) Bart? BART I mean – that's Irish, right? GERMAN OFFICER (from the floor, now with a decidedly American accent) Wow man, this is a really beautiful scene and all, but I have to interrupt. (to Bart) Why the fuck did you have to shoot that cap so close to my neck? You gave me a powder burn. KELLY Listen you wienerschnitzel. You should talk. You slapped me. I'm not your bitch. The Officer gets up and dusts off his uniform. GERMAN OFFICER Well, what was that whole creepy death wish thing about? KELLY Well it didn't work, now did it? GERMAN OFFICER (shrugs) Sometimes I get so caught up in the moment. KELLY And what was that ridiculous shit about making me write to my mother? The Officer grins. GERMAN OFFICER Inspired, wasn't it? BART Dude, you made him write to his mother? Who are you, Dr. Phil? INFANTRYMAN (also with American accent) Can we get up now? Bart helps him up and checks his regulation-issue Timex. BART Might as well. There's only an hour left anyway. The German Officer crosses his arms. GERMAN OFFICER (to Kelly) Admit it. You were scared. KELLY (snorts) Right. Kelly gets up from the chair and falls over. His legs are still tied. EXT. FOREST The DEAD GI gets up and walks off with the GERMANS and some other SOLDIERS, done for the day. Bart and Kelly walk back to the stranded Jeep. BART That Willys yours? KELLY Yup. Just got her. Three summers packing out at Shop Rite. Bart unfolds an entrenching tool from his belt and digs under the back wheels, building up dirt. Then he goes around to the front and puts his shoulder against the hood. Bart rocks the Jeep while Kelly pumps the gas. The Jeep finally pulls free and SPRAYS Bart with mud. KELLY My bad. Thanks though. Kelly looks over his shoulder and starts backing away. KELLY See you. Bart stands there, dripping with mud, shocked. About a hundred feet away Kelly stops. KELLY Well, come on. Bart walks towards the Jeep. Kelly backs it up again. KELLY I couldn't resist. Bart climbs in. BART Real funny, Ernswiler. You might still get your chance to die today. INT. DINER – DAY The customers are all REENACTORS. Some Yanks, some Germans, a few Scottish and North African irregulars. "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" plays on the jukebox. Bart and Kelly sit in a booth together. Bart has an easy, confident manner and expansive gestures. Kelly eats hunched over, like someone might try and steal his food. BART Character building? Those crazy guys from Ann Arbor tied them to a dock. KELLY (shrugs) That's what you get for invading Wisconsin. BART D-Day at Kenosha was nothing. At Guadalcanal Chillicothe there was a guy who actually injected himself with malaria. KELLY That's crazy. They both eat for a minute. BART Where do you live, anyway? KELLY Shaker Heights. BART That explains the death wish. Me too. What street? KELLY Penn Place. BART (chewing) Hmm, don't know it. KELLY It's not technically in Shaker Heights – but I go to Shaker Heights High. Pause. Kelly looks at Bart. BART Langely Prep. KELLY Sorry to hear that. BART Well, I got kicked out of Shaker Heights High because my birdhouse came unglued in honors woodshop. KELLY Of course. I would have gone to Langely myself only my polo pony had the fits. Bart throws his napkin on his plate. BART No matter. (raises his voice to address the room) We're all soldiers here. CROWD That's right./Here, here./ Whooping, cheers, etc. EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE – DAY Kelly pulls up into the circular gravel drive. Bart's house is fancy. A nice yard and a pool. Bart hops out. BART You should come over some time. Service our lawnmower. KELLY I would, but then I might soil my croquet whites. You understand. BART How bourgeois. Cheerio then. Kelly watches Bart go into his house and smiles in spite of himself. EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE – DUSK Kelly's house is a also pretty nice, nothing to be ashamed of. It is smaller and weirder. The flowers and bushes are overgrown and strange sculptures dot the yard, some leaning at precarious angles. Kelly washes his Jeep in the driveway. EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE – NIGHT Kelly buffs the headlamps with a chamois. The Jeep looks good as new. He pulls a canvas cover over it. KELLY Sleep tight Hot Lips. INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, KITCHEN – NIGHT Kelly walks in on his dad ABE making sandwiches. A great big pile of cheese and PB&J. ABE Sergeant Keller! How was the war? Did we win? Kelly doesn't smile at this. He looks at the sandwiches and puts his finger to his chin in a gesture so facetious it's downright angry. KELLY Let me guess. Happy Meals for the wavy gravy wellness center? Abe grabs two pieces of bread from a loaf. He looks kind. A bit ill-used by life. The phrase "rode hard and put away wet" comes to mind. ABE As usual, your cynicism is refreshing. He finishes that sandwich and adds it to the pile. Kelly pauses while opening the refrigerator. His back tightens. He slams the door with his foot. KELLY As usual, your cheerful optimism makes me ill. Abe pauses over a slice of bread only briefly. The hostility is nothing new. ABE (lightly) You should get that checked. Kelly walks through the kitchen and out the back door. KELLY (O.S.) Sure thing, doc. Say hello to Leif Garrett for me. INT. ERNSWILER GARAGE – NIGHT Kelly opens the screen door and pokes his head in. A family of Chinese immigrants, the Lings, paints canvases at long worktables. There's a MOTHER, father MAO, grandmother XIOU-XIOU, SON and DAUGHTER. Finished canvases hang from the walls and lean in piles against it. All of them are portraits of animals. Some have on hats or clothes. Kelly's mom EVE shows grandmother XIOU-XIOU a few strokes with a paintbrush. Eve wears jeans. She's one of those young-looking mothers Kelly's friends would have crushes on. If he had any friends. MAO (to Kelly) Son of Eve. You are very dirty. KELLY (awkward) A rough charge. You know. EVE (to Kelly) Don't touch anything. We have to get ready for the Starving Artist show. (to Xiou-Xiou) Now Nana, the gold has to be feathery, not gloppy – see? Eve demonstrates on the painting – a pair of monkeys in French court dress. Kelly looks over his mom's shoulder. EVE Now you try. Grandmother Xiou-Xiou dabs at the painting. EVE (to Kelly) She loves the gold. Always overuses it. And usually her touch is so light. XIOU-XIOU Gold is the color of the sun. Eve moves along the row, stopping to look at the paintings in progress. KELLY You know why we never have anything to eat in this house? But Eve has stopped behind Mao's painting. She's not paying attention to Kelly. EVE Mao, what did we say about the eyes? She gestures at the image of a horse done Santa Fe style, lots of pastels, very abstract. Mao looks at her quizzically. MAO More – empathy? EVE That's right. And didn't I tell you to put in more cacti? MAO (shakes head) No, no more cacti. Too busy. Simplicity is best. His family nods in support of this rash aesthetic statement. Eve rolls her eyes. EVE Oh boy. I'm not having this battle with you again. Kelly breaks in. KELLY Because your husband takes food from his own family to feed every loser druggie in Cleveland. Eve moves down the line. EVE Well, you can always chip in here. We're ordering pizza later. At this the family nods and smiles to each other, pleased with the news. KELLY No. Some people have to work later. (casual) Will you drop something off at the dry cleaners for me tomorrow? Eve looks up at him for the first time. Takes in his filthy uniform. EVE Sweetie, you know what we said about paying for the war things. Nothing's changed. KELLY It's the only thing I ever ask you for -- EVE Don't be dramatic. KELLY But it's important to me. Eve stops at Mother Ling's painting. EVE You're just going to have to find a way to pay for it yourself then, I guess. (to Mother Ling) No – not that way – the sky should be stormier. Angry clouds. Mother Ling looks up at Kelly, who's scowling. She smiles and nods, understanding. KELLY Why do I bother? Kelly leaves. Eve's busy talking. EVE More brown, less blue. INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT Kelly comes back in a grabs a sandwich off the pile. ABE Now Keller, who needs that sandwich more – you or the daughter of a crack addict trying to make a new life? Kelly looks at him and bites into the sandwich. KELLY How about the son of a heroin addict trying to get ready for work? Kelly leaves with the sandwich. Abe sighs and picks up more bread. ABE That went well. INT. KELLY'S ROOM – NIGHT On the walls a poster for the Civil War miniseries next to one of Led Zeppelin. Some maps. A globe. Models of fighter planes and a set of old tin soldiers. Oh yeah, and his mom's ORIGINAL PAINTING, the one that started it all, this one signed by her – a very intense looking pink rabbit glaring out of the canvas with huge eyes. He sits on the edge of the bed for a minute staring into space before he peels off his muddy uniform piece by piece. INT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT Ah, the graveyard shift. Musak Steely Dan. Kelly unpacks cat food. Thousands and thousands of little cans of it. It's hard to keep the rows straight on the shelves. SARAH, the night cashier, stands at her register. She's plain- looking now but she'll be beautiful later when she figures out who she is. Not another soul in the store. Sarah wanders over to Kelly's aisle as if pulled by a magnet. SARAH So how'd your battle go today? I still don't understand how you could reenact the Battle of the Bulge in seventy-two degree weather. (plays with hair) Didn't all those guys freeze to death? Kelly doesn't stop working. He's got a system. KELLY Well, a Port-a-John fell over on a couple of guys. SARAH That's gross. KELLY War is hell. Kelly grabs another handful of cans. SARAH Then why do you do it? Kelly pauses. He puts two cans on the shelf very deliberately. KELLY You're never more alive then when facing simulated death. SARAH Really? Maybe I should try it. Kelly looks at her, thinks about this, and stands up. KELLY You are William J. Stone of the 1st Airborne, pinned down in Noville. The Germans have the high ground and they're shelling your position heavily. (starts throwing cans) You're holed up in a stone barn. Sustaining heavy casualties. Running low on ammo. The cries of wounded men fill the air like the cries of hungry babies. Sarah covers her head, huddled behind the boxes of cat food, dodging cans. KELLY Your commanding officer gets hit in the face, dies. At 1 p.m. you lose radio contact with headquarters. If you withdraw, the Germans will flank the entire Allied forces arrayed along Bastogne and break the front. What do you do? What do you do? SARAH Stop it! Kelly goes back to stocking, satisfied. KELLY Battle of Bulge, the Southern Shoulder, December '44. SARAH Sorry I asked. Sarah stands up and starts to wander away but Kelly makes a peace offering. KELLY Hey. Want a snack? We got a whole shipment in of busted Oreo's. Sarah looks at her feet, considering whether or not to accept it. SARAH I'll accidentally drop a couple pints of milk and meet you over there. INT. DAIRY BACKROOM Sarah and Kelly sit on milk crates, pass the cookies back and forth and get philosophical. SARAH The frozen food woman came in with her kids. They must eat out of those little cardboard trays every night. One of the kids looked like cardboard. KELLY Do you know we stock more flavors of cat food than we do baby food? SARAH No. KELLY Sixteen flavors of baby food including the toddler meals-in-ajar, thirty- one flavors of cat food. He fishes for a cookie. KELLY Next time you should tell that woman to buy her kid some cat food. An ANGRY WOMAN pushes open the swinging door of the backroom with her loaded shopping cart. WOMAN Is this store open? I've been waiting up front. If the store's closed, it shouldn't have a sign that says twenty- four hours. Sarah gets up. Kelly stays right where he is, finishing a cookie. SARAH Sorry about that. WOMAN I have a lot of coupons and I don't want to be here when they expire. KELLY (to Sarah) Charge her double for everything. Sarah smiles and hurries away. INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH – DAY Kelly walks down the hall with his army-issue BACKPACK slung over one shoulder. Besides a serious case of bedhead, he looks normal. No one says hi to him as he makes his way to his locker. As he twirls the combination and opens it, he notices LANCE -- short and wide, built like a tank, prematurely balding, and his girlfriend BRIDGET embracing a few lockers down. They kiss raunchily, their tongues darting in and out of each other's mouths. Lance sees Kelly looking and stops kissing. LANCE What the fuck are you looking at, GI Jane? Kelly shakes his head and gets a book out of his locker. LANCE No really, what makes you think you can look at me? KELLY I honestly didn't know it was you. I thought it was a free preview of the Spice Channel. LANCE That's pretty funny. You got dental insurance? Kelly closes his locker and walks away. Bridget wipes her mouth guiltily. Lance shakes his head and pulls Bridget to him, grinding his pelvis against hers. BRIDGET Stop it. She walks away. LANCE What? What? INT. CLASSROOM -- DAY The lights are off in history class. The teacher MR. NORMAN shows slides on the Civil War. The more we see the clearer it becomes that they are his own photos from a vacation spent visiting the memorials. Mr. Norman smiles out at his class in shot after shot. He clicks the remote and a photo of his WIFE, crouched over and wearing shorts, drinking from a garden hose appears on screen. MR. NORMAN Whoops! He hurries through to the next slide. It doesn't matter anyway. Everyone is almost asleep. Except Kelly, who becomes increasingly irritated the more Mr. Norman talks. MR. NORMAN And here, at Gettysburg, the ranks of Union soldiers fought bravely on. They were willing to give their lives so that others might be free. Kelly shifts in his seat. MR. NORMAN Is there a problem Mr. Ernswiler? KELLY No. But Mr. Norman doesn't start talking again. He waits, looking at Kelly, smiling blandly. Until the silence becomes uncomfortable. And Kelly gets mad. KELLY Come on. Isn't this analysis a tad simplistic? I mean, maybe for a second grade history class, sure – but to insist on still characterizing the Civil War as some moral struggle? The soldiers were drafted – the only ones who had to fight were the ones who couldn't afford to pay their way out. (losing it) Why don't you talk about the Draft Riots? Where are your slides for that? INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER Fresh flowers and a crocheted tissue box hoodie make the place cozy. Kelly sits across the desk from PRINCIPAL HOLMSTEAD, a well- groomed woman with a gentle talk show host demeanor. HOLMSTEAD What gives you the idea that you can or ought to question the curriculum? Kelly doesn't move. He's not into this. HOLMSTEAD Or question your teacher? KELLY I know. I mean, who ever heard of a classroom dialog? Not Socrates. Ms. Holmstead is exasperated, but she likes him in spite of herself. He's a smart cookie. She's got to change her strategy. She leans back in her chair. HOLMSTEAD Kelly, you're a very bright boy. But you're making some serious mistakes. KELLY I don't need to. Everyone else makes them for me. Her chair SQUEAKS as she leans forward and looks at Kelly intently. HOLMSTEAD This anger must be masking a lot of hurt. KELLY I was wondering what the tissues were for. Holmstead tries again. She looks down at his file. HOLMSTEAD I see you're not going to college next year. What are your plans? Kelly shrugs. Holmstead searches his face for any clues. HOLMSTEAD How do I get through to you? KELLY Advertisers use status and sex to appeal to my demographic. She shakes her head and swings her chair towards the window and gazes out at the front walkway of the school. Her face clears. Something's clicked. HOLMSTEAD I think we can come up with a punishment which might actually be more of an opportunity for you to realize your true potential. EXT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH – DAY School's been out for a while. The first rush had already left. Kelly comes down the front steps and starts across the parking lot to his Jeep. Lance steps out from behind an SUV and intercepts him. LANCE You upset Bridget. Kelly hardly stops walking. KELLY Give me a break. LANCE You need to apologize. KELLY What are you going to do, make out with me? Lance runs and grabs Kelly's backpack. LANCE Why are you fucking with me? You little fucker. Want to play, fuckface? KELLY You just used fuck as a verb, noun, and adjective. Impressive. Kelly tries to start walking again but Lance has hold of him. LANCE Let's see what Beetle Bailey's got in his knapsack. Lance grabs Kelly's arm and yanks it back. Kelly still seems unconcerned. Suddenly he pulls away, but Lance keeps hold of his backpack. Lance holds the backpack up next to his head and points at it, gleeful. Lance walks away towards his car. Kelly runs after him. Lance holds Kelly off easily with one hand and throws the backpack into his SUV. They STRUGGLE for a minute, until Lance pushes Kelly away, gets in the car. Kelly runs next to the car and pounds on the window as Lance drives off. Finally, Kelly gives up. Lance turns out of the parking lot and HONKS the horn. Kelly shakes his head. KELLY Rim job. INT. ARMY NAVY STORE – DAY Kelly sifts through a pile of backpacks looking for a replacement. From his post behind the counter, Bart sees him and comes over. BART Kelly. Hey. KELLY You work here? BART Just a couple days a month, to get a heads-up on the latest stuff. What are you doing? KELLY Looking for a backpack. BART Is that all? Don't bother. I have a couple extras at home. I could give you one if you want. KELLY (beat) Sure, I guess. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, DAD'S LIBRARY – DAY Kelly stands a bit awkwardly waiting for Bart to get the key from the desk to open the door in the corner. The door finally swings open. INT. STOREROOM Bart and Kelly stand between shelves piled high with war memorabilia. Uniforms in vacu-pac sealed bags, weapons in shoeboxes, cannonballs and tattered and gunsmoke-darkened flags. KELLY Very impressive. BART My dad's real into hoarding. Kelly holds up a flask in a leather case. KELLY What's this? BART Grant's field flask. KELLY Wow. Your dad should meet my history teacher. He sent me to the principal's office today for questioning his G- rated interpretation of the Civil War. BART Forget him. KELLY I would, but now the principal's making me give a speech on the Civil War at an assembly. BART (laughing in sympathy and amusement) What is he, some kind of sadist? KELLY She thinks she's doing me a favor. BART Jesus, she must think you're really screwed up. Are you? KELLY Depends on who you ask. Everyone's got an opinion. BART (grabs box) Take this. That'll shut them up. Bart opens the long box. Nestled inside is a leg bone with a foot attached to it. BART Stonewall Jackson's. KELLY Yeah right. BART Can you imagine that? Losing your leg and getting back up on your horse? Unbelievable. What balls. Kelly nods. That is balls. BART He's got so much crap crammed in here he doesn't even notice when it's missing. I saw a backpack in here somewhere. Bart puts down the box carelessly and paws through the piles. INT. BOWLAND KITCHEN Bart and Kelly sit at the kitchen table drinking sodas, waiting for MINNIE, the housekeeper, to finish making them dinner. BART I thought he had a couple. KELLY I'd feel weird taking one out of the tomb of Tutenkamen anyway. BART Trust me, you shouldn't. (burps) Where'd your old one go? KELLY I lost it. BART How? A pause. Kelly decides to tell him. KELLY Someone took it. BART You let someone take it? KELLY I didn't let him. I told off some idiot -- BART Sounds like your mouth gets you into trouble a lot. KELLY I'm telling you, it's not me, it's the world. TABBY, Bart's older sister comes in. She's older. Definitely in college, if not out. And totally shockingly beautiful. Otherworldly. BART Tabby, this is Kelly. TABBY (to Kelly) Don't give him any money, whatever you do. BART Shut up. TABBY All these little old ladies are looking for him in Arizona. He took their retirement money and bought defective bazookas with it. Kelly laughs. And looks at Tabby more closely. BART Very funny. We're paying attention to you, are you happy now? TABBY Finally, my life is complete. Fait accompli. BART (to Tabby) Minnie's making sloppy joes. Want one? TABBY Sloppy joe? Sloppy no. She opens the fridge and gets a yogurt. TABBY I have to go take a shower. Will you call me when Miner gets here? Tabby leaves. Kelly's distracted. KELLY Who's Miner? BART The fiancι. Bart rolls his eyes, indicating what he thinks of good old Miner. Kelly nods, doesn't say anything. BART Listen, I'm going to the flea market on Saturday. I have a line on a couple dealers. You could get a backpack there. Kelly glances at the door Tabby left from. KELLY Oh yeah? Flea market, land of bargains. BART Especially if you know who to talk to. Kelly looks at Bart with suspicion -- and respect. EXT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH – MORNING Kelly hops out of his Jeep and walks towards the front of the school. Lance is there, hanging out with Bridget and some of his Cro- Magnon FRIENDS. He wears a WW II CAP, overseas airborne style, obviously Kelly's. LANCE Hey fuckface. Like my new hat? I just joined the Boy Scouts. The Cro-Magnons grunt approvingly at this witty repartee. KELLY If you stay in it long enough, maybe you'll get your fudgepacker badge. Ooh. The Cro-Magnons laugh at Lance and EGG him on – "You gonna take that?"/"He just called you a fag", etc. Lance frowns and grabs Kelly. LANCE You're a regular Howie Mandel. Still holding on to him with one arm, he SLAPS Kelly hard across the face with the other. Kelly's knees give a bit. Lance holds him up. BRIDGET Lance! Lance looks over at her and releases Kelly. LANCE Okay babe. (to Kelly) One day you and me will be alone. And won't that be nice? Kelly is hurt but covering. KELLY Too bad my mom won't let me date yet. Kelly frowns and adjusts his clothes. Tries to re-wet the dry inside of his mouth with his tongue. He turns slowly and trudges up the stairs. Sarah has been watching the whole thing from the door. SARAH Why do you mess with him? KELLY You're right. I should give him a break. INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE – DAY Kelly watches TV in the living room. His cheek has a nice bruise on it. Eve enters. EVE Oh, Kelly, you're home. Good. I need you to go to the art supply store for me. Kelly looks at the TV. KELLY Get Abe to do it. Eve goes to her purse and rifles through it to find her wallet. EVE He was going to but he had to go lead a meeting at Care House. KELLY What a surprise. EVE I'll make it up to you. KELLY Where have I heard that before? Eve sighs. EVE When are you going to give me a break? Kelly jabs at the remote. KELLY Let me think – maybe when I finally forget every single word of The Little Mermaid soundtrack I'd listen to in the car waiting for him to score. No, probably when I don't prepare myself before I go into the bathroom, expecting to find him passed out on the floor. Eve waits through this. KELLY Actually, you know what? I know I'll be able to put it all behind me when I go away to college. (slaps his forehead, pretend remembering) Only, I can't go because someone spent my college fund on Mexican Black Tar. So looks like I'll have to try to forget at Shop Rite, where I'll be working for the rest of my life. EVE You're right. You have every reason to crawl into the corner and give up. But please just get me some paints first. Eve comes over to Kelly. He sighs and puts his hand out. KELLY What do you need? She gives him the money. EVE We need burnt sienna, cadmium red, and midnight blue. Two tubes of blue. (looks at him) What happened to your face? She puts her hand up but he moves away from it. KELLY Forget it. INT. ART SUPPLY STORE – DAY Kelly looks through the paints, picking out tubes. He looks up and sees Tabby browsing the paintbrushes. He's suddenly nervous. He knocks over a few cans of thinner. Almost leaves. Instead, he gathers his courage, goes to the display opposite hers and waits to catch her eye. KELLY They're having a sale on glitter. It takes Tabby a second to recognize him. TABBY Oh, hello. What happened to you? KELLY (shrugs) Tennis injury. Tabby looks at him suspiciously like she's not sure whether to believe him. Tabby finishes with the mediums and moves onto the paints. Kelly follows her, staying in the opposite aisle. TABBY You paint? KELLY Well, you see... That's a difficult question. TABBY How so? KELLY I don't really feel comfortable calling anything done since the Renaissance "painting." We might have a more experimental interaction with the picture plane, but our skills have suffered from it. In spite of herself, Tabby laughs at this. This gives Kelly more confidence. He leans over the aisle to see what she's looking at. KELLY You're working with acrylic. Why? Oil's much – richer. TABBY Oh you're not one of those oil snobs are you? KELLY Of course not. Kelly comes around and leans nonchalantly against the shelves, knocks more things over and fumbles to replace them. KELLY It's just – isn't acrylic a bit – jejune? TABBY Jejune? You're jejune. How old are you anyway? KELLY Older than my years. Tabby walks to the counter with her brushes. TABBY And you paint? Kelly looks down and partially confesses. KELLY Well, you know, my mother's kind of an artist, so – TABBY That explains it. Tabby signs the slip and takes the bag. She walks out, Kelly with her, matches her pace, talking. KELLY That explains nothing. Doesn't anyone believe in innate knowledge anymore? Michelangelo was fifteen when he painted the Infanta. TABBY Infantas are Spanish. Michelangelo was Italian. Tabby gets into her car. Kelly leans into her window. KELLY Exactly. One world, one people. Just like Jesse Jackson envisioned. Tabby tries to conceal her smile and starts her car. TABBY Well – Kelly. Nice talking to you. She drives away. Kelly stands there watching. Then he winces. KELLY What the hell did you just say? EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE – DAY Kelly pulls up in his Jeep. He turns off the engine but doesn't get out. Just sits there. He doesn't want to go in. EXT. FLEA MARKET – DAY Colored plastic flags droop in the sun. MILITARY STALL Bart sweeps his eye over everything. A SKINNY GUY wearing a wife beater has some not half-bad stuff. Kelly, bruise faded to yellow and green, examines a glass mason jar of what seems to be dirt. SKINNY GUY (to Kelly) That there's actual sand from Iwo Jima. BART Or your sister's sandbox. The guy shrugs. SKINNY GUY Well, it don't come with no certificate of authenticity. (considers) I could write one up for you, I suppose. Get it notarized. BART No, that's quite all right. Actually, I'm in the market for medals. SKINNY GUY Sure. I got a couple purple hearts. A Silver Star. DSC. Can't sell them to you though. They were gramp's. (wink) Bart acts casual, hands clasped behind his back. BART Are you sure? SKINNY They have a lot of sentimental value – BART Yeah. How much? SKINNY GUY A lot. Bart pulls out a paper bag and offers it to the skinny guy, who looks inside. SKINNY GUY What's this? BART General Ulysses S. Grant's field flask, my friend. Kelly is shocked. The skinny guy looks at his suspiciously. BART Throw in one of those backpacks and we'll call it even. The skinny guy looks at Bart, and in the bag again. He goes to get the backpack. Kelly's impressed by this smooth exchange. FLEA MARKET – BETWEEN ROWS Kelly and Bart weave through the maze of stands. Kelly now holds the backpack. KELLY Buying and selling US service medals is illegal. BART Exactly. That's why the resale value is so high. KELLY Is that what they teach you at Langely? BART Don't be so naοve. We all have our skeletons. Some of them just pay more than others. KELLY And I'm not even going to ask about the flask. BART Don't ask, don't tell. The army gets everything right, don't they? CAMPAIGN PIN STALL A frowsy WOMAN in a muumuu sits fanning herself in front of an extensive display of pins and buttons. WOMAN You boys look like Goldwater fans. KELLY I've never been accused of that before. WOMAN Well jeez, you don't have to be insulted. BART Anything military? The woman considers this, her fan working back and forth lazily. WOMAN Fish around in that cigar box. Bart paws through the box. Acts casual. BART What do you want for the box? WOMAN Twenty dollars. BART Fifteen. WOMAN Don't be so hasty. (fanning) I got a few Geraldine Ferraro pins I'm looking to unload. FLEA MARKET FOOD COURT Kelly and Bart, now wearing the smiling black & white face of Geraldine Ferraro, eat disgusting yet delicious flea market food and watch a slow-motion bingo game. KELLY Goldwater fan. I think that's some kind of insult. BART Not at Dartmouth. Where are you going to go to school? KELLY I'm not. BART Ah, you have that luxury. KELLY You don't? BART (shrugs) I didn't have much say in the matter. Everything has been decided for me since birth. I'm not whining about it. Play the hand you're dealt, right? KELLY Easy for you to say. You got a royal flush. BART Are you crazy? My life sucks. Everyone's always telling me what to do. You can't fight it. Go with the flow. They eat for a minute to the soothing sounds of the BINGO CALLER: TWENTY-ONE, THIRTEEN, FOUR, SEVENTY-EIGHT. KELLY What about Tabby? BART She got to go where she wanted. Sarah Lawrence. Six years. She's almost done with grad school. Yale. KELLY I didn't think people actually went to Yale. BART (thinking) I don't know. I mean, she drives off in her car in September. For all we know, she could just pull her car over in Albany and sleep there until May. KELLY What do you mean? BART It was a joke. Joke? Bart does some fake sign language to help Kelly out. KELLY Oh. Is that what one of those sounds like? Somehow, I always imagined they would be funnier. Bart pushes Kelly, who grabs his arm like it got hurt. KELLY Sarah Lawrence? Isn't that for lesbians? Bart shrugs. BART What happened to your face? KELLY Remember the backpack incident? BART Same guy? KELLY The one with mad cow-diseased hamburger meat for brains? That would be the one. Interested, Bart leans forward. BART What are you going to do about it? KELLY I'm not going to lower myself to his level. BART Of course not. But there are alternatives… KELLY Alternatives? BART Haven't you ever heard of the 193rd Special Operations Wing? Kelly shakes his head. BART Well do you want to get this guy or what? KELLY Yes. BART All right. Let's get the fuck out of here, then. Bart tosses his wrapper at the trashcan. Kelly watches it hit the rim and go in. BART (on the move) I have some things to show you. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, KITCHEN – NIGHT Bart and Kelly sit amidst a spread of books, papers, and electronic equipment. BART Once we've gathered the intelligence, the plan will reveal itself. KELLY We don't plan first? Bart opens a pad. BART No, it limits our scope – what's the objective? KELLY Humiliation. Rage. Despair. BART Easy enough. 'Nam's probably our go- to war for that sort of thing. I have the declassified briefs from the Phoenix Project around here somewhere. Bart grabs a book and starts flipping through pages. Tabby enters with an armful of art supplies. TABBY Hey. I have some stretcher bars out in the car. Can somebody help me bring them in? BART Of course we'll drop what we're doing because what you're doing must be more important. Bart doesn't look up. He grabs another book. KELLY Sure. I mean, I'll help. Bart raises his eyebrow. Kelly shrugs off the look. BART I'll find those reports. INT. TABBY'S STUDIO – NIGHT Tabby drops the canvas and points at the table. Kelly dumps the bars and stands there looking around. At the wood floors and skylights. Couch covered with a sheet. Painting, serious ones, with layers of paint and mysterious objects stuck to them lay against the walls. They all seem faded, like a vacation photo that's been through the wash. Kelly moves to the PAINTING on the easel. Very yellow and pink. Kind of looks like castles. KELLY Gold. The color of the sun. Tabby wrestles with the bolt of canvas. TABBY That's the Cleveland waterfront. KELLY As the viewer, I get to decide what it is, I'm afraid. And it doesn't look a thing like it. TABBY It's the light. I was playing with diffusion. KELLY Well make sure you put it away when you're done with it. TABBY Very funny, wiseass. Kelly resumes his tour of the room. KELLY It must be nice to have a place like this to get away to. TABBY It is. KELLY What about Farmer? TABBY Farmer? Tabby unrolls the canvas and measures lengths. KELLY The boyfriend. TABBY (laughs) Miner? What about him? KELLY Is he an artist, too? TABBY No. Definitely not. Thank god. Kelly is silent for a while, fiddling with a clamp light. TABBY You said your mom was a painter? KELLY She was, well – is I guess. Tabby cuts the canvas. TABBY What do you mean? KELLY She used to be. But then my dad – wasn't working anymore so she turned it into a business. She has a family of Chinese immigrants in the garage making them for her. TABBY Like Andy Warhol's Factory. KELLY More like Andy Warhol's tool shed. It was nice before, though. My playpen used to be in her studio. TABBY Wow. So you really grew up with it. What does, did, your dad do? KELLY He's a VH-1 documentary without the music. TABBY "Tragedy struck?" Kelly nods. KELLY "And then, things took a turn for the worse." TABBY Well, just wait. Those burnout types always have a triumphant comeback tour. KELLY I already changed the channel. Tabby sits back on her heels and looks at him. Bart's head appears in the open door. BART Christ Kelly, I let you go out on a little supply line assist and you're gone for days. Come on. TABBY Have fun, boys. KELLY If only it were fun. War's deadly serious, ma'am. TABBY (to Bart) And I used to think you were the only crazy one. BART Enough with the mind pollution, Hanoi Hannah. Bart leaves. Kelly stands by the door. This is his only chance. KELLY I'm worried about you playing with diffusion unsupervised. TABBY Are you? KELLY Yes. I might have to come by and show you the proper safety procedures. Some time in the presence of an art prodigy would do you good. TABBY I don't think I have room for a playpen in here. KELLY Ouch. Tabby smiles. Kelly leaves. EXT. BOWLAND YARD – NIGHT Bart and Kelly walk across the yard. BART So, you have a thing for my sister? KELLY What? No, no. BART Everybody does. They skirt around the pool. KELLY We just have a few things in common. BART Oh really, like what? KELLY I can't tell you. It's my feminine side. BART You don't wear women's clothes when you're alone, do you? INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT Kelly comes out of the kitchen with a glass of water in pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. The TV's on static. He sees a FIGURE sleeping on the couch and starts to walk through the room. Then he stops, sighs, and backtracks. He turns off the TV. Then he sees the empty bottle of wine next to the couch. KELLY Dad. The figure doesn't move. Kelly doesn't know what to do. KELLY (louder) Dad? Kelly looks around, worried. In this house an unresponsive dad isn't necessarily sleeping. Should he wake up his mom? He shakes the figure slightly. It rolls over, only it's not his dad. It's some scabby ADDICT. Kelly yanks his hand away. ADDICT Wha? A moment. KELLY Sorry. EXT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, BACK YARD – NIGHT Abe sits on a lawn chair. Kelly comes out, unfolds another chair and sits next to his dad – a good distance away. They both look up at the sky. ABE Keller. There's a meteor shower. Kelly frowns. KELLY A funny thing just happened. A little trip down memory lane. I thought you were on our couch, dead. Abe laughs. ABE Oh, you mean Emmett? They didn't have an empty bed for him at Care House. Kelly nods, considering this. KELLY Well that's one of your more brilliant ideas. (anger rising) Have you thought about the fact that it might be dangerous? That he might steal something, or go into cardiac arrest? Drink all our cooking wine? Which he seems to have done. ABE He just needs a place to sleep for the night. KELLY You're right. Besides, having him here makes it feel like home. Abe slams his hands down on the arms of his chair. ABE I've been straight for four years, almost five. A third of your life. Kelly claps slowly. KELLY Big whoop. I've been straight the whole time. Abe closes his eyes. ABE I hate to tell you this, but I'm not your problem anymore. Kelly gets up. KELLY No. That's the one thing I get to decide. Abe looks at Kelly. ABE Let me know. I can wait. They look at each other. Kelly shakes his head and goes inside. Abe looks up at the sky. ABE (to himself) Keller, there's a meteor shower. EXT. LANCE'S HOUSE – DAY In a backyard tree house next door sit Kelly and Bart, Kelly looking through a pair of M3 field glasses. KELLY I have the target in sight. BINOCULAR MATTE Through the twin circles Lance gets into his car in front of his house. KELLY I think he's leaving. BART Let me see. Don't be a farb, give them up. Kelly hands the glasses over. Bart looks through them. Then he puts them down. BART The coast is clear. The boys looks at each other. BART Let me prepare to deploy. Bart opens up a duffel bag and pulls out a yellow jumpsuit which he puts on. Kelly looks through the binoculars. KELLY Is this going to work? BART We've planned for every contingency using the tried and true techniques of the last great world power. KELLY Save it for the press conference. THE LAWN The boys climb down out of the tree house. Bart is dressed in an official-looking yellow jumpsuit with telephone repairmen's tool hanging from his belt and a hard hat on. Kelly carries a toolbox. BART Stay low. On my signal. He looks at Kelly. Then he holds up one finger and gestures "go." They sneak hunched over towards the fence. A LITTLE GIRL comes out of the house and stops when she sees them. Bart and Kelly look at each other. Bart takes the toolbox and gestures to Kelly by pointing at the girl and covering his mouth. Kelly peels off towards the girl while Bart continues across the lawn. The girl starts to SCREAM. Kelly swoops up and covers her mouth with his hand. He tucks her under his arm and runs towards the opposite side of the house. He puts the girl down, still covering her mouth. KELLY We're the good guys. If you scream, the bad guys are going to come and burn down your house. Okay? So stay here and be quiet. The girl nods. Kelly takes his hand off her mouth and starts to sneak away. GIRL My dad has a gun. Kelly runs across the street to get a view of the front door. IN FRONT OF LANCE'S HOUSE Bart turns up the driveway and RINGS the doorbell. LANCE'S MOTHER opens the door. Bart confers with her briefly and steps inside. The door closes behind him. Kelly stares so hard at the door he doesn't see the NEIGHBOR come up behind him. NEIGHBOR Can I help you, young man? Kelly starts and turns. KELLY I was just inspecting your lawn. Kelly grabs a few blades of grass. KELLY Have you thought about Astroturf? It takes a lot less water to keep green. I mean, no water, technically. NEIGHBOR I'm not interested. KELLY Oh. I see. Okay then. Kelly gets up and starts to walk down the street, only – Lance PULLS UP in his SUV. Kelly darts behind a parked car and watches Lance go into the house. KELLY Oh, shit. Lance comes right back out. He forgot something in his car. KELLY Oh, shit. Kelly moves around the car, trying to keep it between him and Lance. Bart comes down the front walk whistling and eating a cookie. He smiles at Lance, now coming back up the walk. LANCE Smile worker bee. I'll be your boss some day. Bart nods and tips his HARD HAT. Kelly follows him on the other side of the row of cars until Lance's house is out of sight. Then he gets in step beside Bart. BART What an asshole. His mom gave me cookies, though. KELLY Did you get it done? BART Don't ask stupid questions. Let's go home and listen. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S ROOM – DAY The boys sit around an FM receiver/recorder. BART It was a five-watt FM bug, so we should be in range – Bart FLIPS the ON switch and Lance's Mom's voice fills the room. The boys smile with delight. LANCE'S MOM (O.S.) So then I told her, "Harriet, with potato salad like that it's no wonder Ray-Ray's cheating on you." WOMAN (O.S.) You didn't. LANCE'S MOM You're right. But I was thinking it. Instead I just told her to add more vinegar next time, and – Kelly shakes his head as the women natter away. KELLY I don't think we can use any of this. BART Be patient. It's voice activated, so we'll get everything. Trust me. It's going to be great. KELLY All right, then. Kelly gets up to leave while Bart fiddles with the knobs. BART We reconnoiter tomorrow at nineteen hundred hours. INT. ERNSWILER HOUSE, KITCHEN – NIGHT Abe and Eve have dinner together. EVE -- And if we don't sell them there, we'll set up on the corner of Stevens and Lane, by the gas station. That's a good location. Eve looks at her husband and sees he's not paying attention. He seems a little out of it. He's pushing his food around on his plate. EVE Are you listening to me? ABE Did you make this with more chili pepper than usual? EVE The same as always. Kelly comes in, walks through the kitchen and up the stairs. EVE Kelly. Want dinner? KELLY (O.S.) I ate. His parents eat for a minute in silence. Abe winces and puts down his fork. Eve smiles tenderly at him. EVE One day, we're all going to be happy. Abe puts his hand over hers. ABE That sounds nice. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S ROOM – NIGHT Bart moves around the room excitedly. BART It's really too perfect, actually. KELLY What? What? BART I can't describe. Just hit play. It's all cued up. Kelly hits a button. The tape clicks ON. From the speakers comes: BRIDGET (recorded) I told you, that makes me nervous. Me no likey. LANCE But baby, my birthday's coming up. BRIDGET Still. That's not a good enough reason. LANCE Come on. A little action. A little prime time action. BRIDGET But people might see us. LANCE That's the point. That's what makes it sexxxy. Dangerous. Kelly stops the tape. KELLY Dangerous. BART Exactly. Bart and Kelly share a look. Kelly grins. KELLY Let's draw up the plans. BART I have a few notes jotted down. All we have to do is fill in the details and let Operation Deadmeat begin. INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH – DAY Bridget primps at her locker while Kelly watches nervously from his. When she starts to close the locker door, Kelly rushes towards her and BUMPS into her. Her books and papers spill to the floor. KELLY Oh Jesus, I'm so sorry – He starts picking them up. BRIDGET Oh, it's okay – She looks around. If Lance showed up it wouldn't be good for either of them. Kelly hands her the rest of her stuff. They part ways. Kelly shoves a piece of paper into his pocket. Principal Holmstead CLICKS down the hall in her heels and Kelly DUCKS into a doorway just in time. He turns and pretends to look at a posted announcement as she passes. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, BART'S BEDROOM – NIGHT Bart inspects Bridget's book report with a jeweler's loop. He swings over to a piece of stationary Kelly's working on. BART She dots her I's with hearts. And her L's are loopier. The L is very important. KELLY I'm working on it. They both crouch over the paper. KELLY I feel kind of bad for her. She's a nice girl. BART Sometimes collateral damage can't be avoided. KELLY Stop it. He pushes back from the table. KELLY How does that look? BART (inspecting) Pretty good. I think we're ready to manufacture a document. Kelly takes out a fresh sheet of paper. BART (clears his throat) Begin. "Hey Daddy. It's your birthday and you've been a very bad boy. But so has the baby. Both baby and Daddy have to get punished, only this time – INT. LANCE'S ROOM – NIGHT Lance, shirtless, reads aloud from the letter. LANCE (Cont.) – baby makes the rules. Await further instructions at school tomorrow -- EXT. STREET – DAY Bart wears his school uniform and sits in the passenger seat next to Kelly. LANCE (V.O. cont'd) -- Baby will be waiting where Daddy least expects her. Love, Bridgie." Yes! BART Do you have everything? Kelly just looks at him. Bart's already asked this question. BART We can't afford any errors. KELLY You don't need to tell me. It's my ass on the line. Kelly pulls up in front of Bart's school. Bart turns to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. BART I wish I could be there to see it. KELLY You'll get the de-brief. BART It's a day that will live in infamy. KELLY You couldn't do any better than that? BART I don't hear you coming up with anything. Bart hops out and salutes Kelly, who give him the thumbs up in response and pulls away. INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH – DAY Lance can't keep his hands off Bridget. BRIDGET What's gotten into you? LANCE Nothing, you bad girl. Lance cackles. BRIDGET Did you drink a bottle of Robitussin before school again? The bell RINGS. LANCE See you soon, my naughty baby. Bridget looks a little scared. INT. HISTORY CLASS Lance slouches into a seat next to Kelly, who drops another STATIONARY NOTE into Lance's open backpack. Kelly watches as Lance grabs his book, sees the note, opens it, and leers. LANCE It's my birthday! I'm going to get a present. Kelly looks down at his desk and smiles. LANCE Damn it, fuckface. What're you smiling about? You wish you were me. Lance raises his hand. LANCE Mr. Palmer? May I be excused? Lance leaves like a house afire. KELLY (to himself) Eine maus findet den kase. INT. HALL Lance sneaks down the hall towards the STORAGE CLOSET and whispers into the door. LANCE Daddy's here for the Easter egg hunt. He pulls open the door. Nothing. INT. STORAGE CLOSET Lance turns on the light. No one there. But propped up on the shelf next to a vase with a rose in it is another note. LANCE Ooh, push my buttons. He snatches the note. His eyes widen as he reads. LANCE Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You little minx. INT. LANGELY PREP, BATHROOM – DAY Bart crouches in the stall, looking at his watch. When the second hand sweeps past the twelve, he opens his cell phone and punches in a number. BART (serious grownup voice) Yes, I need to get a message to Bridget Shumann. This is MENSA. INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH, CAFETERIA/GYM – DAY Lunchtime. Typical bedlam. KIDS mill around. At one end of the cafeteria/gym is a small stage, the kind pep rallies are held on. Lance edges his way through the crowd, making a beeline for the STAGE DOOR. INT. SHAKER HEIGHTS HIGH, MAIN OFFICE A confused Bridget stands at the SECRETARY'S desk. BRIDGET But I just got this note last period. SECRETARY Well I don't have anything here for you – let me look again. Oh yes, the MENSA called. The secretary hands Bridget the message. She looks at it. BRIDGET Cool. They want me to be an honorary member. (pause) Is that like a sorority or something? INT. BACKSTAGE Lance looks around eagerly. He peeks through the curtains at all the kids and can barely contain his excitement. LANCE Bridgie? Come on, daddy's sick. He needs his medicine. He spots a WOMAN in the shadows. It must be Bridget. He unbuckles his pants and lets them drop to him knees. LANCE I brought our friend along. He's happy to see you. He rips off his shirt and shuffles across the dark stage toward her. INT. LIGHTING BOOTH Kelly looks at his watch. INT. LANGELY PREP CLASSROOM Bart looks at his watch in anticipation. INT. LIGHTING BOOTH Kelly flicks a switch and presses a button. INT. CAFETERIA The crowd falls silent and turns towards the mechanical sound of the STAGE CURTAIN OPENING. They squint from the BRIGHT STAGE LIGHTS. SHOCK ripples through the crowd as they take in the tableau revealed to them: A frozen half-naked Lance on his knees before a BLOW-UP DOLL tied to a chair. LANCE What the fuck are you all looking at? Bridget, standing in the doorway, covers her mouth in horror. STUDENT 1 Look, he's got a hard on. STUDENT 2 Eeeeew. Lance stumbles off stage to HOOTS and CATCALLS, but mostly hysterical LAUGHTER. INT. LIGHTING BOOTH Kelly smiles, laughs and claps his hands with delight. Then he returns to military precision. He turns all the switches back to how they were and uses his shirtsleeve to cover the doorknob so as not to leave fingerprints. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, DAD'S LIBRARY – NIGHT Bart pours them two glasses of his dad's scotch. He's overjoyed. BART You're kidding me. KELLY Yup. There it was. The whole school saw it. Wasn't too impressive either. They raise their glasses to each other. BART To Operation Mincemeat. KELLY To the 193rd. They both take swallows of scotch. Kelly retches. BART How does it feel to give better than you get? Kelly finishes his scotch. KELLY Good. Real good. BART You want some more? KELLY (croaking) Don't mind if I do. BART That's my boy. The drink again. Kelly's feet are up. For the first time, he looks comfortable. INT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT Sarah stands at her register, flipping through a magazine. Kelly pulls up on the ELECTRO-SHOPPER with field goggles on. KELLY You know what this is? He puts his foot down like a kickstand. KELLY Eighteen volts of pure freedom. SARAH Sounds dangerous. KELLY Oh, it is. Unless you know how to handle it. Kelly runs his hand lovingly along the frame. Then he looks up at Sarah. KELLY You ever seen the freshly waxed floor in the produce section glistening under full florescence? It's breathtaking. Sarah gets on behind him. KELLY Hold on tight. He puts his foot up and kicks it into gear. The Electro-shopper takes off – barely. Kelly takes the corner too sharp and clips the edge of an END CAP DISPLAY of cereal boxes -- they fall to the floor. The Electro-shopper inches forward. KELLY Close call. SARAH Have you been drinking? INT. PARENT'S BEDROOM – MORNING Kelly looks in at his parents, checking to make sure they're still asleep. When he leaves ABE opens his eyes and listens to the door CLOSE downstairs. INT. EVE'S STUDIO Kelly throws some paints and brushes into his backpack. EXT. BOWLAND HOUSE – DAY Kelly stands awkwardly on the front stoop with his backpack. Minnie opens the door. MINNIE Kelly? Bart's not here, he – KELLY Oh, that's all right. Actually, I'm here to see Tabby. Just to do a little painting with her. MINNIE She's out back in her studio. KELLY Thanks. INT. TABBY'S STUDIO Tabby stands barefoot in the sunlight, a palette knife in her hand. Music's playing. Jeff Buckley. She looks over as the door opens, surprised. TABBY Kelly? KELLY Hey. I warned you I'd come. TABBY You did. She goes back to painting. Kelly stands there for a minute, waiting for her to say something else, give him an invitation. She doesn't. Until she looks up and sees him standing in the same place. KELLY Maybe I should go -- TABBY Well you're here now. Go ahead. Set your canvas up. Use one of the ones in the corner. Kelly looks through them and picks one. TABBY Brushes are in the jar. Paint's in the drawer. KELLY I brought my own. He takes off his backpack and opens it. TABBY Well then. Kelly busies himself pulling out paints and other supplies. He can't help but look at her. The light hits her hair and she glows. She catches him looking. KELLY Does it mess up your concentration? Me being here? TABBY No. She turns back to her painting. KELLY Oh. That's good. Kelly sets up his canvas. TABBY Just don't talk. KELLY Why would I? TABBY (pause) I'm kidding. KELLY Right. Irony. I like that. Kelly feels the tubes of paint. Nervous. Squirts some color out. Looks over his shoulder at her. He's trying to get his act together, to be cool about being there, in the studio, alone with her. Trying to figure out how to play it. MINER (O.S.) Hey! Hey babe. Miner opens the door. See Kelly. Smiles like the stockbroker he is and crosses to him. MINER Miner Webber. Miner holds out his hand for a good old-fashioned shake. Kelly takes it. KELLY Webber Miner. Miner looks confused. TABBY Kelly. This is Kelly – KELLY Kelly Ernswiler. Sorry. I – MINER Quite all right. (smiles as an afterthought) So, what do we have here, a little painting class? TABBY Kelly's a friend of Bart's. He paints. MINER Oh? What's your real job? Kelly smiles eagerly at Miner over the edge of his canvas. KELLY That would be stock boy at the Shop Rite. But, as President Don Kaminsky says, every employee is part owner. So you could say I'm a captain-of- industry in training. Kind of capitalist larva. MINER That's quite an image. KELLY Only if you see the most magical part. Do you see? MINER What? Kelly spreads his arms out and flaps them a little. KELLY One day I'll be a beautiful butterfly. First I'll have to be a pupa though. I figure I won't be going out much then. Pupa: the awkward adolescence of the insect world. Miner stares at Kelly. He can't tell what he might be making fun of, or if it might be him. MINER Whatever it takes to get you through the day. Kelly rolls his eyes at this uninspired response, though Miner doesn't see it. He grabs Tabby's paintbrush and pulls her to him. MINER I have the afternoon off. Come away with me. TABBY I'm not at a good stopping point. MINER Oh, come on. They'll still be here. (to Kelly) I know you'll still be here. Kelly smiles his most idiotic energetic smile and slaps paint on his canvas in exaggerated strokes. TABBY I really shouldn't. MINER But everyone will be coming soon. And it will get all crazy, and we won't have any time to ourselves. TABBY We will. I promise. Tabby kisses Miner. He realizes there's no convincing her and sighs. MINER Like tonight? We can practice honeymoon suite. TABBY Maybe. Probably. Miner looks at Kelly, who looks away. Then he puts his hands in his pockets and leaves. Tabby and Kelly paint in silence for a while. Kelly moves around to look at his canvas from different angles, like he's copying what he thinks a painter would do. KELLY Is he always like that? TABBY Like what? KELLY Overbearing. Tabby stops and puts down her brush. TABBY Just because he didn't want to picture you as a pupa? KELLY Oh, he will – later. When he's alone. Whether he wants to or not. Kelly paints. KELLY Not that though. How he wanted you to stop. TABBY He wants to be with me. What's so bad about that? KELLY Just because some one wants to be with you doesn't mean they're good for you. Kelly is suddenly very involved with his painting. He has a hard time making eye contact with Tabby. KELLY No one should ever ask you to stop. If you stop, you might not be able to start again. Or you might start again, only things will be different. TABBY Well, that's sweet – KELLY It's not sweet, actually. It's just the truth. TABBY Hey, I can take care of myself. She picks up her brush. KELLY When's the wedding? TABBY At the end of the month. But don't ask me about it. It makes me nervous. Kelly looks at her seriously. KELLY Why? Is something wrong? TABBY No. Awkward silence. TABBY What are you painting? Kelly stops and sighs, now back in serious artist mode. KELLY Really, there are so many layers of – imagistic symbolism – that I really don't feel comfortable summing it up, but, well – it's a recurring dream image. A mermaid riding a rocket ship. Tabby stops painting. TABBY How? KELLY What do you mean, "how?" Sidesaddle. She's riding it sidesaddle. She's got a fish tail, for chrissake. I haven't decided yet if she's got scuba gear on or not. TABBY Do you have any idea what you're talking about? Kelly puts up his thumb in an approximation of an artist's gesture. KELLY Does that matter? TABBY Well, some people actually say what they really think. KELLY What if they don't know what they really think? TABBY It doesn't matter. It's called being yourself. KELLY Sounds boring. TABBY Not boring. Scary and wonderful and exciting. Kelly stops squeezing paint onto his palette. His gestures slow down. He's taking this in. Then he shakes it off. KELLY Hey. I'm trying to create here. Stop distracting me. INT. EVE'S STUDIO – NIGHT Kelly comes in to return the art supplies. Xiou-Xiou's alone working. She looks up and smiles at Kelly. KELLY Mom's got you working late? XIOU-XIOU No. Kelly walks over and sees what she's working on. A beautiful spare Chinese landscape. KELLY Wow. You're really good. Why do you make those stupid animals for mom? XIOU-XIOU Each painting is a lesson. Here – She gets out a piece of paper for him. KELLY I'm making a lot of art these days. I guess that means a lot of lessons. XIOU-XIOU Each line has a whole drawing contained in it. Each drawing has a whole life contained in it. KELLY Oh, that's all? Kelly watches her for a minute, the delicate whoop and swirl of her strokes. He dips a brush into the ink and watches Xiou-Xiou's restrained and confident movements. Eve leans against the doorframe. EVE Hey you two. I'll try not to act surprised. It might spoil the moment. Kelly puts down the paintbrush. KELLY I can't do this. I have to go. EVE Keller, I think I'm missing some art supplies. Have you seen them around the house? Kelly avoids her eyes as he leaves. KELLY No, I haven't. EVE I don't know what to do with him. XIOU-XIOU You son is not yet cooked. Give him time. Eve looks over Xiou-Xiou's shoulder. EVE When are you going to let me give you your own show? We could do it for real. XIOU-XIOU No problem. When you offer me an eighty-twenty split. INT. BOWLAND HOUSE, DINING ROOM – NIGHT Kelly eats with the Bowlands – Bart's mom, MATHILDA, his dad HARRISON, and Tabby and Bart. The Bowlands dress up a bit for dinner, like any good Wasp family. BART (to Harrison) -- But I told you I want to take German -- HARRISON German's a Cold War language. You can't get any kind of State Department position without more diverse linguistic training than that. You'll take Chinese. Bart frowns. HARRISON Are we on the same page? BART (mutters) Same page. Everyone eats in silence. MATHILDA (to Tabby) So darling, when are you going to bite the bullet and do the seating arrangement? Tabby puts down her fork. TABBY I can't deal with that stuff, ma. I don't care who sits next to whom. I should have eloped. KELLY After all, Mrs. Bowland, sometimes when you bite the bullet, it explodes in your mouth. Mathilda looks surprised. This could go either way. MATHILDA (tentatively) Why, I've never thought about it before but that is a rather strange expression, isn't it? You wouldn't say, "Sooner or later you've got to put the grenade in your pants," would you? HARRISON But have you ever noticed how in movies they always bite the grenade before they throw it? KELLY Yeah, but they never take a bite out of their pants. Everyone but Bart LAUGHS. Tabby throws Kelly a grateful glance, for getting her out of a conversation she didn't want to have. MATHILDA What an unusual conversation! Do you have similar discussions at the dinner table with your family, Kelly? KELLY Basically. I ask why all the furniture is missing and my Dad reminisces about dropping acid and watching Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. All but Bart LAUGHS again. TABBY He talks about art. BART/MATHILDA You do? Kelly looks down at his plate. KELLY My mother's kind of an artist, so - HARRISON You come from a creative family, do you? Mathilda salts her food. MATHILDA I wish my boys would talk to me about my passions. I can't get them anywhere near the subject of my garden. KELLY I noticed your magnolias. Very fine specimens. MATHILDA They are fine, aren't they? Mathilda beams. BART (ironic) Is there nothing you can't discuss? If anyone notices the slight edge to Bart's voice, they ignore it. HARRISON Here, Kelly, try a bit of these leeks. Minnie has a way with the white sauce. INT. BART'S ROOM Kelly and Bart play PlayStation II "Medal of Honor" in Bart's bedroom. Bart is sulking, almost imperceptibly. BART My dad has this friend who's a