"BACHELOR PARTY" Screenplay by Neal Israel and Pat Proft Story by Bob Israel SHOOTING DRAFT 1984 FADE IN: EXT. ST. ANN'S SCHOOL - DAY CAMERA PANS a group of freshly-scrubbed, innocent children, obediently standing in line, like recruits for the Holy Crusade. PULL BACK to REVEAL they are wearing the gray blazers, striped ties and navy slacks of St. Luke's School. They are waiting patiently at the curbside in front of the statue of the school's sainted namesake. One of the fifth grade BOYS pokes the KID next to him with his elbow. The other Kid is about to retaliate when SISTER MARY FRANCIS, a stern-faced nun, appears behind them, grabbing them both firmly by the shoulders. SISTER MARY FRACIS Make one more move and you'll both be staying late for the rest of the week. THE BOYS (softly; in unison) Sorry, Sister Mary Francis. SISTER MARY FRANCIS I didn't hear you. THE BOYS (louder) Sorry, Sister Mary Francis. Sister Mary Francis checks her watch. She scowls and looks out past the parking lot gate. Suddenly we HEAR the SOUND of an ENGINE roaring at full throttle. There is a SCREECHING of BRAKES, followed by the loud GRINDING of GEARS. It sounds like the Indy 500 is taking place around the corner. SISTER MARY FRANCIS (used to this) Step away from the curb, children. ANOTHER ANGLE Zooming through the parking lot gates is a large yellow school bus. It practically takes the last turn on just two wheels. The bus driver quickly slams on the brakes, leaving ten feet of rubber behind him as the bus comes to an ear-splitting halt right in front of them. The front door immediately swings open and RICK STAHL, the driver, hops out. Rick is the life of the party, even when there isn't any party going on. While chronologically older than the St. Luke students, the only thing that sets him apart from them is that he has a driver's license. Rick figures he'll live up to his capabilities and get serious in his next life... This incarnation's strictly for laughs. Sister Mary Francis steps up to him. SISTER MARY FRANCIS You're late again, Rick. RICK I know, Sister, but I have a very good excuse. SISTER MARY FRANCIS There can be no excuse for tardiness. RICK You're absolutely right. I should never have stopped to save that drowning infant. I'm just weak, Sister; I'm so weak. He starts sobbing softly into his hands. SISTER MARY FRANCIS All right, stop that... Children, on the bus. The kids obediently file past Rick, who makes like he is drying his tears with his handkerchief. RICK Sister, do you ever get lonely after vespers? If you do, why don't you give me a call. I'm in the book. SISTER MARY FRANCIS (smiling despite herself) Get going, Rick... you're late enough as it is. RICK Right... Think it over. He hops on the bus, closes the door and gently backs the bus out of the parking lot. INT. BUS - DAY As soon as the bus is out of sight of the school, all hell breaks loose. The formally well-mannered children are acting like normal kids... hitting each other over the heads with books, running up and down the aisles, screaming at the top of their lungs. ANGLE - RICK He removes the St. Christopher statue from the dashboard, revealing a hulaing Hawaiian girl in a grass skirt. He watches the madness behind him in his rearview mirror, picks up the P.A. microphone and rationally attempts to restore order. RICK (over mike) If you don't all calm down I'm gonna drive this thing over a cliff. The kids pay no attention to him. RICK (continuing; philosophically) Ah... youth. EXT. THE BUS Rick's bus pulls up to a light and another school bus filled with kids (from a public school) pulls up alongside of it. The other DRIVER gives Rick a competitive smirk and guns his engine. Rick counters by gunning his. INT. THE BUS All the kids start screaming "Race... race." "Wipe 'em out." "Go for it." Etc. Some of the kids even start taking out money and start betting one another on the race's outcome. ANGLE - RICK as he readies for action. EXT. THE BUSES The light turns green and they're off. Or as off as two lunky school buses filled with kids can be. WIDE SHOT - ANOTHER STREET The two buses come zooming down the street. INT. RICK'S BUS The kids are screaming at Rick to go faster. One of the little boys looks nauseous as he clutches the seat in front of him. EXT. THE STREET - LOW ANGLE The buses squeeze down a narrow street, neck and neck with one another. INT. THE BUS The kids are all yelling words of encouragement to Rick, who is hunched over in his seat, driving with the determination of Andy Granitelli. The nauseous kid is now turning a pale shade of green. He moves to an open window, straining to control the inevitable. EXT. THE BUSES They race down a steep hill. INT. THE BUS The nauseous kid can't hold it any longer. EXT. THE OTHER BUS Something hits with a splat against the windshield that resembles Campbell's Chunky Vegetable Soup. INT. THE OTHER BUS The other Driver turns on the windshield. It only makes it worse. EXT. THE STREET Rick's bus pulls out in front, accompanied by the cheering of his passengers. Suddenly a stop light looms ahead. Rick puts on his brakes. Both buses stop just in time. INT. RICK'S BUS Rick's kids are all piled in a clump right behind him in the front of the bus. Although disheveled, the kids still manage a victorious cheer. PHOTOGRAPHER'S POV We're LOOKING THROUGH the camera lens. We SEE a cute one- year-old baby boy. He's sitting on a cuddly blanket. We HEAR the VOICE of Jay O'Neill. He is a baby photographer at Sears. O'NEILL (O.S.) Okay, Timmy... hold that smile... and watch the birdie. He takes the picture and we SEE the camera flash. O'NEILL (O.S.) There. O'NEILL We see he has his camera and backdrop set up in the camera department behind a velour curtain which blacks out the rest of the store. He's conservatively dressed in a suit, vest and tie. He looks like he could be a Young Republican. But under those Sears clothes is a man a little off center. Rick's best friend. Need we say more? He takes the film out of the camera. The matronly mother is in the process of gathering up her baby. O'NEILL These should be in the mail to you by next Friday. She smiles and exits. O'NEILL (continuing) Next. A beautiful -- and we're talking gorgeous -- WOMAN enters. Her clothes hug every curve of her body. She has her baby in her arms. O'Neill immediately wants her, and now. His eyes settle onto her full breasts. These he likes. O'NEILL (continuing) Whoa. Look at those babies. She gets this innuendo and loves it. O'NEILL (continuing) How are we doing? My name is O'Neill. And you are...? WOMAN Klupner. (teasing) Mrs. Klupner. O'NEILL Mrs.? WOMAN I'm separated. O'NEILL Then there is a God. Why don't we take that baby picture. He takes the baby. He has a hard time taking his eyes off her breasts. He places the baby on the blanket. O'NEILL (continuing) If I were you, I'd breast feed until I was 17 or 18. (gets behind camera; sizing up the shot) Tell ya what... O'NEILL'S POV THROUGH CAMERA We SEE the baby sitting on the blanket. O'NEILL (O.S.) Why don't you lean into the picture with your child? She coyly leans INTO FRAME. O'NEILL (O.S.) (continuing) A-huh. A little more... good! She is totally blocking her baby out of the picture. O'NEILL He gets out from behind the camera. O'NEILL I'm getting one heck of a glare off your dress there. Could you undo a few buttons? WOMAN (seductively) Of course. She starts to unbutton her blouse. O'Neill looks into his camera. O'NEILL'S POV THROUGH LENS We SEE the Woman finish her last button. O'NEILL (O.S.) Now lean in a little more... more... more... As she complies, her breasts all but spill out of her dress. O'NEILL (O.S.) (continuing) Hold that pose. O'NEILL He runs from behind the camera and poses with the woman. THROUGH CAMERA LENS We SEE a QUICK SERIES of camera flashes. Each pose finds him near her breasts. He has them on his head. He's cheek to breast. Etc. RICK enters and witnesses the photo session. He immediately jumps into the shots. THROUGH CAMERA LENS Rick joins the craziness. After several beats, the Woman gets bored and EXITS the FRAME. THE WOMAN As Rick and O'Neill continue mugging like two 12-year-olds in a photo booth, the Woman takes her child and exits. A few beats pass and the guys notice they're alone. O'NEILL Where'd she go? RICK She probably had sex scheduled for 12:30. O'Neill, let's pick up the guys for a drink... I have major news to announce. O'Neill crosses to his camera and takes out the film. O'NEILL Okay... be right with ya. RICK He picks up some photographs of today's work. INSERT - PHOTOS Each one has a different mother in several seductive poses. Their babies are barely visible, if at all. RICK (O.S.) Pictures a family will cherish forever. EXT. CHULO'S AUTO SHOP - DAY Rick's school bus pulls into the yard of the auto shop. Several Chicanos are working on various cars. Rick and O'Neill hop out. RICK Hey, Chulo, where are you, man? ANGLE - LATE-MODEL CAR We SEE a very large pair of shoes sticking out from under the chassis. Slowly, a large, bear-like body rolls out and we catch our first glimpse of CHULO. A happy-go-lucky mechanic of Mexican ancestry. CHULO Hey, you guys, what's going on? RICK We're going for a little liquid refreshment. CHULO Great. I'll go with you. Wait a second. Hey, Raul! Move that car, will you? A SMALL MECHANIC with an eye patch gets into a car behind them as we DOLLY WITH the guys THROUGH the lot. CHULO (continuing) Roberto, you finished fixing that lighter yet? Another MECHANIC sticks his face out of another car and shakes his head. Just then Raul, the eye-patched worker, whizzes by behind the guys, driving the car in a zig-zag pattern right into traffic. CHULO (continuing; to Rick) I'm glad you guys came by... What's the occasion? O'NEILL Rick's got an important announcement to make. CHULO Yeah. What is it? RICK I've decided not to run for President. CHULO Too bad, man, that blows my chance to be Ambassador to France. Behind them we can SEE Roberto fiddling with the lighter. Suddenly flames leap out of the car, blowing Roberto ten feet into the air. ANGLE The guys all start to pile into the bus. Nearby another employee is washing down the garage with a hose. Chulo turns to another mechanic, who has his head under the hood of a car. CHULO Manuel, be sure and finish up the electrical system on that Chevy. Manuel waves at Chulo, who turns, hops on the bus. Rick starts it up and starts to drive away. Just as the bus CLEARS FRAME, we SEE Manuel connect two wires together at the same moment the guy with the hose washes down the area around his feet. Manuel lights up like a Christmas tree, screaming in pain. There is a beat, and then Robert falls INTO FRAME, still holding the cigarette lighter, and the car Raul is driving enters the lot and smashes into the side of the garage. INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY A sign on an office door says "CONCERT TICKET AGENCY." From inside we HEAR someone TALKING loudly on the phone. Chulo, Rick and O'Neill open the door and go inside. On the walls in the cramped office there are rock 'n' roll concert posters advertising rock bands like Men At Work, The Clash and Barry Manilow. Behind a cluttered desk we FIND a little man with a thin mustache and horn-rimmed glasses. This is GARY MELNITZ, wheeler-dealer, entrepreneur and coward. Gary yells a lot, which is a definite overcompensation for his size and inability to deal with the opposite sex. GARY (yelling; into phone) Screw you... Screw that... Don't jerk me around. You promised me 1500 seats for the Police Concert... 1500, not fifteen!... Screw that... Screw you -- Screw Sting. (hangs up and sees the guys standing there) Hi, guys. RICK Gary, you're quite an animal. GARY Screw you... The PHONE RINGS. GARY (continuing; into phone) Hello, Concert tickets... What? Pat Benitar has a yeast infection? She's cancelling? Screw her. You know what this is gonna cost me?... (he hangs up) Okay. Let's go. He gets up and they start for the door. Just then the PHONE RINGS. Gary picks it up. GARY (annoyed) Screw you... That's crap... Suck my... (softly) Oh, Mom, I didn't know it was you... eggs and milk... Okay, I won't forget. He hangs up the phone and they start for the door again. GARY Let's go. RICK Isn't he incredible, gets along with everybody. CHULO Yeah, he's really got his thing together. GARY Oh, eat me! The guys all laugh and exit. INT. HARBORSIDE INN - DAY It's a quiet restaurant near a Marina. A lot of business- people in suits are eating. TWO MALE CUSTOMERS CUSTOMER ONE calls for a waiter. CUSTOMER ONE Waiter. The WAITER approaches them from OUT OF FRAME. CUSTOMER ONE We'd like to order now. ANOTHER ANGLE We see their waiter, RYKO, a blond, tanned, muscular beach bum who has definitely stayed out in the sun too long. RYKO How you guys doin'... Could you believe how overcast it was this morning? Bad day for sailin', waves are too rough and... CUSTOMER (annoyed) You can skip the small craft warnings. We're in a hurry. RYKO No prob, bud... Here's today's dealie... He holds up a blackboard with the day's menu. RYKO We got... uh, veal... ah... veal... (to customer) What's this word? CUSTOMER ONE Parmisan. RYKO Yeah right. I always want to say Paramisian when I see that. We looked at them under the jigamabob in biology once. Little squirmy, creepy things that live in your intestine and... CUSTOMER Please... We have an appointment in a half hour... RYKO Wow, sounds stressful. What do you guys do for a living? CUSTOMER ONE We're lawyers. RYKO Whoa... You got to go to school for that or what? CUSTOMER (he's had enough) Look, forget the specials. We'll take three hamburgers. RYKO Okay, great... Any of you guys got a pencil by any chance? One of the customers shrugs and hands him a pen. RYKO (impressed) All right, a Bic... How 'bout a piece of paper? Ryko's customers look totally disgusted as Ryko's short attention span is interrupted by something he sees O.S. ANOTHER ANGLE Rick and the guys appear in the bar. RICK Ryko. Come on! They all disappear into the bar area. RYKO Be right there. (to customers) Nice rappin' with you guys. Unfortunately I'm outta here. Someone else will have to help you. (calling off) Skip! The customers are pleased to get rid of Ryko. SKIP enters. He's a clone of Ryko. SKIP Like um... What's the deal, you guys gonna order? The customers give each other a "Here we go again" look ANGLE - THE GUYS They're laughing uproariously and carrying on as Ryko comes over and sits down. RYKO Hi pals. The guys acknowledge him. GARY Okay... We're all here. Rick, what's the big announcement? ANGLE - RICK RICK All right, gentlemen, I'm not gonna sugar-coat this thing. I've known you guys since grade school, so I'm gonna give it to you straight from the hip... right from the shoulder... without beating around the bush... Nothing fancy, just the plain, hard facts... tell it like it is. CHULO Man, you're losing your audience. RICK Okay... This is it... I'm getting married. O'NEILL What? CHULO You're kidding. GARY I don't believe it. RYKO Fuck me! RICK Yes, gentlemen. Saturday after next, I lose my amateur standing and turn pro. CHULO Hey, man, congratulations! Chulo gets up and gives Rick a big bear hug... The other guys shake his hand. GARY Wait a minute. You been living with Debbie! Why do you want to get married? RICK Because I love her. What can I tell you? RYKO You sure? This means no more partying. RICK No more raping and pillaging, either. You'll have to carry on without me. GARY Next Saturday... That's just two more weeks to live. O'NEILL Hold it... As long as you're gonna go through with this, the least we can do is make sure you go out in style. CHULO (warming to this) Yeah, man. Let's throw a bachelor party with drugs, booze and broads. O'NEILL Yeah. Right. All the things that make life worth living. RICK Sounds swell... I'm really touched. And my getting married's not gonna change a thing between me and my pals. We're still gonna go bowling on Tuesdays, play cards on Fridays and wear women's clothes on Sunday night. I love you guys... I always will. GARY Let's have a toast. The guys all raise their glasses. O'NEILL To Rick. GARY To us. CHULO To girls with big pairs. ALL THE GUYS Yeah, right on, etc. As they down their drinks, we: CUT TO: EXT. THE JEAN MACHINE - DAY We SEE a couple of very contemporary looking 15-year-olds going into a very "now" clothing store -- like Fred Segal's... When the door opens, loud ROCK 'N ROLL MUSIC blasts out. INT. THE JEAN MACHINE - DAY Inside the store we see all the sales clerks grooving narcissistically to the music like they're at a disco. The cashier, PHOEBE, has devoted her life to following the current trends and fads no matter how inane they may be. Today she's in a reggae mode, her hair wound into tight dreadlocks, as she sways lost in the ozone to the music. A CUSTOMER approaches her with a purchase. CUSTOMER I'd like to pay for these. PHOEBE Huh... What... Oh sure, wait till this song is over. She floats off again... One of the young MALE CUSTOMERS approaches an attractive salesgirl. This is DEBBIE THOMERSON, Rick's intended. She seems to be the only sane employee in the place because she's actually working, putting clothes on the racks. This impression of sanity fits her, as she is level-headed, and has a clear sense of herself. She can also take a joke, thus her engagement to Rick. CUSTOMER Excuse me, where can I try on these pants? DEBBIE Right over here. She leads the Customer to the try-on booths. The Customer enters one. We SEE that the saloon-style doors of the booths have been hung too high, so as he takes off his pants, his underwear is exposed to the world. We PULL BACK, REVEALING other people in other booths, their bare asses clearly in sight. No one in the store seems to care, however, as they are much too busy dancing. The front door opens and BOBBIE, a very sultry and earthy- looking girl with long, dark hair, pushes inside. She is O'Neill's girl and Debbie's best friend... She's also someone who would party every night if given half a chance. BOBBIE (excited) Debbie... I don't believe it. I'm so excited. DEBBIE Bobbie, what are you talking about? BOBBIE O'Neill just tole me. It's sooo great... I don't believe it. Phoebe crosses to them. PHOEBE What's happening? BOBBIE Debbie's marrying Rick. PHOEBE ...Really? DEBBIE Yes, it's true. PHOEBE Ohmygod. The girls screech and jump around, hugging each other in sheer joy. A MALE CUSTOMER, moved by this outpouring of affection, moves over and gets in the middle of the girls, enjoying every moment of being hugged by three women at once. DEBBIE (to Customer; realizing) Would you get out of here. Reluctantly the guy retreats back to the Calvin Klein jeans rack. BOBBIE Does Cole know about this? PHOEBE Really -- you went with him for two years. DEBBIE He still thinks I'm going with him. I'm going to break the news to him tomorrow. BOBBIE He's not gonna be happy. And your parents can't be too thrilled either. DEBBIE No. As far as they're concerned the only good Rick is a dead Rick. But I don't care... it's my decision. PHOEBE (oblivious) I'm totally blown away. You're getting married. It seems like only yesterday I showed you how to have oral sex. BOBBIE Deb, I want to throw you a shower. DEBBIE Oh, that's really sweet. I'd love that. PHOEBE We'll invite all the girls. BOBBIE I don't believe it... Mrs. Rick Stahl. The girls all start to scream and carry on all over again. INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Rick is cooking dinner in the cramped combination kitchen / living room. He has about five dishes going at once as he dashes from stove to refrigerator. He grabs some hamburger meat, rolls it into a ball, then slaps it on the counter. He then takes a steam iron and presses it on the patty. Debbie comes in the front door and crosses to him and hugs him tightly, kissing him sweetly. DEBBIE (between kisses) God, you're a slob. RICK But a fabulous cook. DEBBIE What are we having? RICK It's either meatloaf, Swiss steak or charred flesh. I won't know till it's finished. DEBBIE (looking at the stove) I think your dinner's burning. Rick crosses to the stove. A small fire is coming out of one of the frying pans. He douses it with water. RICK Don't worry... it's supposed to do this. DEBBIE (setting the table) Want to hear something great? Bobbie and Phoebe are throwing me a shower. It's really gonna be fun. RICK Not as much fun as the bachelor party the guys are throwing for me. DEBBIE You're going to have a bachelor party? RICK Of course. I'm a traditional guy... It's a traditional event. (he brings all the food to the table) Well, what do you think? DEBBIE It looks awful. RICK Yes, but looks are deceiving... (takes a bite) Not in this case, however. DEBBIE Are you going to have women at your party? RICK No, sweetheart, it's a stag party. Does stay home. DEBBIE I'm not talking about does. I'm talking about hookers. RICK Oh, those. Why do you ask? DEBBIE Because from what I've heard, it's a tradition and you're a traditional guy. Rick grabs her; starts kissing her passionately on the neck. RICK Deb, you is my woman now. I is yo man. No painted lady ever gonna come between us. DEB I need you to promise. RICK Okay, you got it. I got a way we can seal the deal -- what'd you say? He grabs her. They kiss and slide down onto the table, knocking the dishes to the floor. EXT. BEL AIR-TYPE ESTATE - DAY Through the iron gates of an impressive-looking estate comes Debbie in her convertible VW Rabbit. She pulls up behind a new Porsche 911 and a Jeep, all decked out with rifles, nets and other hunting equipment. As she walks down the path toward the house, she sees something off in the distance that startles her. DEBBIE'S POV A large brown grizzly bear appears to be entering the side door of the house. ANGLE - DEBBIE DEBBIE (calling O.S.) Cole?... Cole! DEBBIE'S POV The "Bear" turns around. We SEE that the bear is, in fact, dead. It is being carried by a tall, handsome HUNTER. He waves to Debbie and indicates for her to follow him inside. INT. COLE'S SMOKEHOUSE - DAY Debbie opens a rustic-looking door and peers in. DEBBIE Cole? COLE (O.S.) Over here, Deb... in the Smokehouse. CAMERA PANS WITH Debbie as she enters the room. She passes several trophies, guns and stuffed animal heads hanging from the wall. She makes her way past some sections of an undetermined animal's anatomy hanging from hooks suspended from the ceiling. Finally we see COLE WHITTIER, a Steve Garvey look-alike... rugged all-American, and heir to the Whittier Plastic Wrap fortune. Despite his jockish good looks and outward arrogance, there's something in his manner that is definitely unsavory. As Debbie approaches him we SEE that he is butchering some unfortunate friend of the forest on the table in front of him. (NOTE: For the squeamish, all of this is done OUT OF FRAME. The only thing we should HEAR are the delightful SOUNDS of TAXIDERMY.) COLE Hi, Deb. Just got back from the mountains. (as he cuts in with a surgeon's skill) Isn't this a beauty?... It's gonna look great in the den. Debbie tries her best not to look down at what he's doing. DEBBIE Cole, we've got to talk. COLE Finally realized Rick's a jerk, huh? DEBBIE No, Cole, I... COLE (lifting an organ of some sort O.S.) It's all right, I forgive you. I'm not the vengeful type. We'll forget what happened. Why don't we take a trip together? Maybe kill a few lions in Kenya over Christmas. DEBBIE Cole, listen to me... I've got to tell you... COLE You know, when you dumped me for that wimp, I thought, Cole, she'll be back. God wants the two of you to be together, and sure enough... DEBBIE Cole, I'm marrying Rick. COLE (confused) You're marrying him? Then why are you coming back to me? DEBBIE I'm not. I just thought I should tell you myself before you heard it somewhere else. Cole stops what he is doing for a beat and just stares at Debbie intensely. Then he returns to his work with a renewed enthusiasm, chopping, slashing and slicing. COLE You know how that makes me feel, Deb? Wanta know how that makes me feel? (softly) Angry, Deb. (a little louder) Yesss, that's the word, angry. But if he makes you happy, you go right ahead. I want you to be happy, Deb. (a little nuts) No matter what, no matter how angry it makes me, no matter how much it hurts. Be happy, Deb. Be oh, so very, very happy. DEBBIE Cole, I'm sorry, I... COLE That's all right, Deb. Go be happy and smile a lot, Deb. Do it for me. DEBBIE (uncomfortable) I'm going now, Cole. COLE I understand, Deb. 'Bye... be happy. Debbie exits and we PUSH IN ON Cole. Something on his face says, "Hi! I'm really out of my mind." INT. DR. STAN STAHL'S OFFICE - DAY DR. STAN is Rick's older brother and a proctologist. Although he's only in his early thirties, he thinks and acts like someone in their early 70's. A little on the pompous side, Stan is never without his pipe. STAN Okay, Rick, hold out your arm. He crosses to a sterile container and takes out a syringe. RICK You wouldn't hurt your own brother, would you? (looking at the needle cautiously) I changed my mind. I don't need a blood test. The marriage is off. I -- Just then, Stan sticks the needle in his arm. RICK (continuing) You always were sneaky, Stan, very sneaky. STAN Rick, marriage will be good for you. It's done wonders for me. RICK True, you're a lot handsomer now. Don't you have enough blood already? STAN (without much conviction) You won't miss a thing about being single... The wild parties, the different girls every night, running around like a maniac... God, I miss that. RICK Stan, you're depressing me... Hey, I didn't know you were going to fill 'er up. Just take a couple of gallons, okay? Stan removes the needle and hands Rick a cotton ball. RICK (continuing) That's an even trade... a cotton ball for all my blood. STAN (returning to this world) Okay, Rick, all finished. I can't wait for that bachelor party... I need the action. CAMERA FOLLOWS them as they go out into the hall. STAN (continuing) Don't say anything to my wife about it. They pass an open examining room. Stan's wife, TINA, is also a doctor and is examining an old man. She's not as tiny as her name suggests. In face, she's more like over-sized. RICK Hi, Tina. Rick moves to hug her and he notices that Tina has her finger up the old guy's ass. TINA (looking up) Rick... (to PATIENT) Mr. Goldsmith, this is my brother-in- law. He's getting married. PATIENT (without turning around) Congratulations. Tina turns to a NURSE. TINA Nurse, will you take over? The nurse shrugs and sticks her finger up the patient's rear end as Tina hugs Rick. TINA (continuing) I'm so happy for you. Rick hugs her, uneasily trying to make sure her right hand doesn't come anywhere near his face. EXT. DEBBIE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - BACKYARD - DAY Debbie and Rick and her MOM and DAD are having a frustrating game of tennis behind her parents' plush home. Mr. Thomerson is a stockily-built guy in his fifties who prides himself on being tough and competitive. His wife loves to shop. As far as she's concerned, appearances are everything. Neither of them likes Rick's appearance or anything else about their future son-in-law. Mr. Thomerson slams the ball to Rick; Rick slams the ball back and drives it over the fence, out of the court. RICK Oops! MR. THOMERSON (frustrated) All right, who serves? DEBBIE You do, Daddy. Mr. Thomerson serves the ball to Debbie, who hits it over the net to her mother, who hits it to Rick, who slams it over the fence, out of the court. Mr. Thomerson does not look pleased. MR. THOMERSON Rick, hit the ball easier, son. You don't have to kill it. RICK Can't I just maim it a little? MRS. THOMERSON Er... perhaps we ought to stop now. MR. THOMERSON No. Let's at least finish the set. Rick starts humming the "ABC Wide World of Sports" theme loudly. Mr. T. gives him a disgusted look and serves the ball. Rick smashes the ball and sends it over the fence, out of the court. EXT. THE THOMERSON'S NEIGHBORS' BACKYARD - DAY A middle-aged COUPLE are sitting on some lawn furniture trying to read the newspaper. A tennis ball comes down from the sky and hits the guy squarely on the top of the head. PULL OUT to REVEAL that they're surrounded by dozens of tennis balls. MAN One of these days I'm gonna burn Thomerson's court to the ground. EXT. THE THOMERSON'S - MEDIUM SHOT - DAY Rick and Mr. Thomerson are having a heart to heart chat over some lemonade in front of the tennis court. RICK Well, I have to admit my game's a little rusty, but I love polo. It's unrelenting, a constant challenge to the senses. Really a beautiful experience. MR. THOMERSON Rick, I want to cut through the b.s. RICK I'd love that. MR. THOMERSON (sitting on his anger) Good. I think you're an asshole. No, let me correct that, an immature asshole. Which is fine, except you're marrying my daughter and I'm afraid my grandchildren are going to be little assholes. RICK Mr. Thomerson, I... MR. THOMERSON Let me finish. Debbie's an adult. She can do what she wants. But if you want your marriage to last, you're going to have to change some things about yourself. If I may make some suggestions... RICK Feel free. MR. THOMERSON First, you're a slob. You have to dress for success. Second, your outlook on life... As Mr. Thomerson drones on, Rick shifts uncomfortably in his chair, focusing his attention on Debbie, her mother and her older, cynical cousin, ILENE, who are sitting nearby on the rear patio. ANGLE - DEBBIE, MRS. THOMERSON AND ILENE MRS. THOMERSON I'm using the same caterer for the shower I had for our Christmas party last year. DEBBIE Great, Mom. ILENE If I were you, I'd worry less about the shower and more about Rick's bachelor party. DEBBIE Ilene, why would I want to do that? I trust Rick. ILENE Of course you do. I trusted my ex, Mel, too. Cousin, I can only talk from experience. What do you think they do at these parties, have tea and play scrabble? DEBBIE Ilene, Rick promised... ILENE Debbie, don't be naive. Men are pigs. MRS. THOMERSON (trying to change the subject) Girls, why don't we go inside for lunch. (calling to Mr. T) Boys, would you mind bringing in that lemonade? ANGLE - MR. THOMERSON AND RICK MR. THOMERSON In a second... (to Rick) And you're irresponsible. Show some initiative, try to better yourself, stop showing off, actions speak louder than words. RICK Well, sir, that's quite a list. But you're absolutely right. And if I work hard at it, I think I can be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch... Mr. Thomerson rolls his eyes, knowing he's been wasting his breath. He grabs the pitcher of lemonade and Rick grabs the tray, which is filled with fresh lemons. They get up at the same time and collide, sending the lemonade all over Mr. T., and the lemons bounding over the fence. EXT. THOMERSON'S NEIGHBORS' HOUSE The Neighbor we saw before is reading his paper when an avalanche of lemons comes flying at him, joining the tennis balls on the lawn. NEIGHBOR I hate those people... I really do. INT. THOMERSON HOUSE - DAY The Thomersons, Rick, Debbie and Ilene are just finishing lunch. The DOORBELL RINGS. Mr. Thomerson gets up to answer it. Standing there is Cole, wearing his tennis shorts. COLE Hi, everybody. Am I late? MR. THOMERSON Not at all. We're just finishing lunch. Cole crosses to the table and kisses Mrs. T's hand gallantly. COLE Good to see you, Mrs. Thomerson. Hello, Debbie. He turns to Rick. COLE (continuing) And... RICK Bond... James Bond. Cole gives him a quick look of contempt and exits with Mr. T. MR. THOMERSON (O.S.) So, Cole, you been practicing your game? COLE (O.S.) Sure have... DEBBIE Why is Cole here? MRS. THOMERSON You know your father enjoys his company. RICK Much the way Hitler enjoyed hanging out with Mussolini. EXT. THOMERSON TENNIS COURT - DAY Mr. T. and Cole are having a fast-paced game. MR. THOMERSON Nice shot. COLE Thank you, sir. MR. THOMERSON I know you're as unhappy as I am about Debbie's marriage to Rick. COLE Yes, sir, I am. MR. THOMERSON Cole, I don't want you to give up on her. COLE I've tried to change her mind. MR. THOMERSON It's not her mind you need to change. It's Disneyland head in there. COLE But how can I do that? MR. THOMERSON If it were me, I'd reason with him first. Then, if that failed... (with malice) ...I'd take more persuasive action. Mr. T. drills a wicked forehand shot straight at Cole, who swings at it and misses. COLE (conspiratorily) Thanks for the advise, sir. MR. THOMERSON Keep me informed. PUSH IN ON Cole. This is a man with a plan... EXT. PARK ON A BLUFF - DAY The bluff overlooks the ocean. It's a beautiful spot. Just the right setting for an outdoor wedding. Some folding chairs have been set up and a canvas canopy. Gathered for the rehearsal are Gary, Ryko, Chulo, O'Neill who is with Bobbie, Debbie's mother and Mr. Thomerson, Phoebe, Ilene, Tina, Stan, a gray-haired priest. FATHER FALWELL and, of course, Rick and Debbie. Everyone is admiring this picturesque setting. Everyone but Mr. Thomerson. He's very underjoyed at the sight of Rick and his friends. Mr. and Mrs. Thomerson are standing with Father Falwell. They are watching Rick holding Debbie. MR. THOMERSON The thought of that person marrying my daughter makes me want to upchuck. MRS. THOMERSON You can tell a man by his friends. FATHER FALWELL They're not such a bad bunch. MR. THOMERSON No? (he points off) That's his best man peeing on a tree. ANOTHER ANGLE In the b.g. we SEE O'Neill's back TO US. He is definitely relieving himself on a weeping willow. The wind begins to pick up. FATHER FALWELL If everyone would take their positions... Everyone takes their places for the wedding procession. The wind now takes this time to blow with much greater force. As Father Falwell opens his Bible, the wind rips the pages out of the Holy Book. They blow to the four corners of the Earth. FATHER FALWELL (continuing) Oh, dear. Well, let's begin. And... He hums the Wedding March. Chulo hums along. His humming is a driving Jimi Hendrix-like guitar lick that all but drowns out Father's humming. FATHER FALWELL He's orchestrating the proceedings. FATHER FALWELL Flower Girls... Now Rick... (he gestures for him to start down the aisle) Good... Debbie and Mr. Thomerson. As he gestures for them to make their walk to him, a gust of wind lifts up Father's cassock, exposing his bare ass. He quickly grabs his cassock and covers himself. RICK He begins to walk toward the priest. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Cole appears at his side. RICK Cole. Don't you know it's bad luck to see the groom before the wedding? COLE I want Debbie. RICK Cole... COLE You dump her and I'll give you cash. RICK What's Debbie's blue book value right now? COLE Five thousand dollars. RICK No. They are now standing near Father Falwell. Debbie is approaching them with Mr. Thomerson. Mr. T. shoots Cole a signal to up the ante. COLE Seventy-five hundred. RICK Not interested. COLE Okay, ten thousand plus a G.E. toaster oven, a Litton microwave, a Cuisinart... RICK I'm marrying Debbie. COLE Michelin tires... brand new. A set of Sears Best metric tools... RICK (to O'Neill) What is this person's story here? O'NEILL The way I see it, the big lug is in love and he's got a lot of major appliances lying around. Debbie and Mr. T. have joined Rick. DEBBIE Cole, what are you doing here? MR. THOMERSON He's just trying to save you from making a mistake. (to Rick) A big mistake. RICK Thanks, Dad. (to Cole) Cole, go away. COLE He's gonna hurt you, Debbie. He'll never be true to you the way I would. RICK Thank you. We'll all keep that in mind. 'Bye now. Cole turns red with anger. COLE (pissed) Rick, me and you aren't through yet. He runs off. RICK (a la talk show host) Ladies and gentlemen, Cole Whittier. Let's hear it for him -- a funny, funny guy. We love ya, babe. The wind suddenly picks up. A storm is coming in off the sea. Father Falwell's cassock blows up again. It starts to rain and hail. Everyone runs for cover but Rick and O'Neill. RICK (to O'Neill) You think the gods are telling me something? INT. RICK AND DEBBIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Rick is snuggled cozily on his side of the bed, fast asleep. Debbie is staring anxiously at the ceiling. After a couple of beats, she tugs at Rick's shoulder. RICK (drowsy) Huh? Wha... DEBBIE I can't sleep. RICK Oh... I got something for that. He groggily reaches into the nightstand, pulls out a hammer. He raises it as if to hit Debbie over the head. DEBBIE Stop fooling around... I need to talk. RICK What's the matter? DEBBIE I don't know... I just feel scared. RICK (he sits up) About what? DEBBIE The wedding, my parents, your family, our friends, my job, the future, our relationship, the caterers, my gown, your tuxedo, our honeymoon, the apartment, my shower, your bachelor party... RICK I think the only think you've left out are our relations with the Soviet Union. Sweetheart, everything's gonna be all right. DEBBIE Before or After I have my nervous breakfown? RICK C'mere. He starts to gently rub her shoulders. She breathes deeply, trying to let go. DEBBIE That feels so great. RICK Good... DEBBIE Um... that's very relaxing. RICK Now, I want you to lie down and drift off to slumberland. He slowly lowers her to her pillow and tucks the covers in around her. RICK (continuing) Close your eyes... that's it... There's nothing to worry about... I love you... I'm a great guy... (yawning) In two days you're gonna be Mrs. Great Guy. He yawns again and turns off the light on the night table. There is a beat of silence in the dark. We PUSH IN ON their faces, which are faintly illuminated by a street light outside the open window. Both of them have their eyes wide open as they stare at the ceiling in fearful anticipation of the next day. INT. AIRPORT - DAY The guys (except Gary) are walking through the busy airport. RYKO You sure Gary's got this whole party deal together? CHULO Yeah, man, he's got us a great room at the hotel and lots of chicks. RYKO I hope so. Hundred bucks apiece is a lot of dinero. CHULO What time are we supposed to get to the hotel? O'NEILL Don't worry, Chulo, the party's not gonna start without you. We got plenty of time. STAN I can't wait to see old Larry... It's been five years. RICK At least. ANGLE - THE EXIT RAMP People are streaming out of the plane. Finally the last person exits. O'NEILL Where the hell is he? RICK Knowing Larry, he probably missed the flight. STAN There he is... Hey, Larry! LARRY (talking very slowly) Guys... guys... guys... RICK 'Ludes... 'ludes... 'ludes. Larry floats toward them and stops in front of them. He stares at them strangely, looking from face to face. LARRY God, I love you guys. To the guys' surprise, he goes around hugging each one of them. LARRY (continuing) This makes me so happy. They start walking toward the baggage claim area. O'NEILL So, Larry, how have you been? LARRY Just in love with everybody. It's really a beautiful planet. I love you, Rick. I love you guys. I love everybody. RICK So how's your wife? Larry stops walking and immediately breaks down. LARRY I hate her. I hate her guts, the bitch. O'NEILL Larry, you and your wife got problems? LARRY I don't want to talk about it. I love you guys. I love my friends. Larry reaches into his pocket, takes out a Quaalude. LARRY (continuing) You want to share it? RICK Naw, two on a Quaalude... bad luck. LARRY Right. He pops it in his mouth. EXT. TERMINAL The guys exit the Baggage Area. Rick is pushing Larry who is sprawled out on top of his bags in a luggage cart. LARRY My marriage is the worst. All crap. A big pile of shit. RICK Maybe your marriage should lay off grains for a while. LARRY She hates me. It's over. You'll see, as soon as you get married, everything changes. You sure you want to go through with it, man? RICK (his interest peaked) What do you mean, it changes? Before Larry can answer they reach the bus where Debbie is waiting for them. DEBBIE (hugging Larry) Larry, how are you? LARRY Hi, Debbie, congratulations. Hey, do you know where there's a pharmacy around here so I can get a prescription filled? RICK Come on, get him on the bus. As a couple of the guys pick Larry up and carry him into the bus we CUT TO: INT. BUS - DUSK Rick is driving the bus with Debbie sitting next to him in the driver's seat. The guys sit in the row of seats behind them. RICK Well... twenty-four more hours to go and tonight we'll share with our friends and loved ones the joys of those last moments of singleness. DEBBIE You better not have too much joy. RICK Wouldn't think of it. Because tomorrow... (starts singing) We're going to the chapel and we're... DEBBIE (singing) Gonna get married... ANGLE - THE GUYS They start to join in the song in a little less than perfect harmony. EVERYBODY Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married. DEBBIE Gee, I really love you... RICK And we're gonna get ma-a-a-ried. EVERYBODY (whooping it up) Going to the chapel of love. RICK Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. EXT. BUS The bus zooms down the street. EVERYBODY (V.O.) Going to the chapel of love. EXT. THOMERSON'S - DUSK Rick's bus comes up to the driveway in front of the house and stops. INT. RICK'S BUS - DUSK RICK This is it, lady. Last stop. DEBBIE Can't I just go with you guys? RICK Sorry, we got men's business to do. It's no place for a lady. He opens the door, picks Debbie up and carries her out to the sidewalk. DEBBIE Remember, you promised... no screwing around. RICK Did I promise that? I don't remember that... DEBBIE You're really pissing me off. She grabs Rick and wraps her arm around him in a playful headlock. RICK Okay, I promise... I swear on my mother's grave. DEBBIE Your mother's not dead. RICK Well, if I go back on my word, I'll kill her. Debbie lets go of his neck. DEBBIE Have a good time. Don't make it too late. RICK Anything you say, ma'am. Have a fun shower. Use soap. DEBBIE I love you. They kiss, and the guys whistle in the background. Then Debbie starts toward the house and Rick hops back into the bus. He gets into the seat and sits there for a moment, watching Debbie with a guilty look as she goes into the house. O'NEILL (to Rick) What's the matter? RICK (snapping out of it) Nothing... Let's get crazy! RYKO All right! CHULO When do the girls get to the party? O'NEILL Don't worry, Gary's taking care of that now. The guys holler and whoop it up as Rick puts the bus in gear and takes off down the street. DISSOLVE TO: INT. GRIMY STREET CORNER - EVENING JUMBO, a well-dressed behemoth in a sky blue suit and widebrimmed hat, is standing on a street corner talking to Gary. GARY So we want your best girls, the cream of your crop. JUMBO Let's see your bread. Gary takes out a roll of bills, which Jumbo grabs and quickly counts. JUMBO (continuing) Okay, I got just what you're looking for. (calling off) Margot... Darlene... Two shapely HOOKERS in tight-fitting clothes come up to them. GARY They'll do just fine. Hiya, girls. Look, after the orgy, maybe we could have coffee. The girls look at him with "Is he for real?" in their eyes. JUMBO Shorty, where's the party? Gary takes some slips of paper out of his pocket and hands Jumbo one. GARY Park View Hotel, Room 1002. JUMBO They'll be up there in a half hour. GARY Okay. Nice to meet you both. Gary turns, almost collides with a garbage can, and starts walking down the street. He passes a parked Porsche. After a beat, Cole Whittier sticks his head up and watches Gary walk off. Then he hops out of his car and approaches Jumbo and the girls. COLE Hi. I must have just missed my friend. He hired you for a bachelor party. JUMBO At the Park View Hotel, Room 1002. What about it. Cole's face lights up. This is the information he needed. COLE Yeah. Right. (takes out piece of paper) This is the new address. We changed our minds and decided to send the girls over to his house instead. He takes out a fifty-dollar bill. COLE (continuing) And here's a fifty... I want this to be a surprise, so you never saw me, okay? JUMBO (pocketing the money) No problem. Cole smiles happily as he slithers back to his car. COLE (to himself) Now she'll see what kind of jackoff he is. ANGLE - HOTEL A parking VALET crosses to the bus as Rick hands him the keys. RICK Be careful with it. It's a rental. The guys hop out with the enthusiasm of a home team that's just won the state championship. They race in the front door. A banner over the door reads: "WELCOME MISS MOOSEHEAD BEER PAGEANT." INT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT This is a pretty plush place. The kind of hotel that prides itself on its classy image. The guys are totally unaware of the sedate atmosphere in the lobby as they go screaming toward the elevators. O'NEILL (to some dignified guests) We who are about to go ape shit salute you. RYKO All right, I'm stoked! Just as they are about to get into the elevator, a hand comes INTO FRAME and holds the door so it will not close. WIDEN TO INCLUDE the MANAGER. All their carrying-on stops when the guys see him staring grimly at them. If he wasn't a hotel manager, he'd be a mortician. He has a constant expression on his face that suggests he's constantly sucking lemons. MANAGER Just where do you guys think you are? O'NEILL The Library of Congress? CHULO Detroit? LARRY Beyond the sun? RICK Are any of those right? MANAGER This is the Park View Hotel. I'm the Hotel Manager. Are you looking for someone? RICK Yes, you. We're looking for our room... 1002. Rick takes out his key. MANAGER It's on the tenth floor. RICK What do you know, they moved it. Catch you later. The door starts to close and the guys start yelling. MANAGER Keep your voices down. This is a respectable establishment. We don't go for any funny business here. Just then a GUY with a Moosehead Beer hat and TWO GUYS in a moose costume pass him and enter the elevator with the boys. RICK I see what you mean... You're a beautiful guy. And you're doing a damn good job. The door slams shut before the Manager can say anything else. INT. THE THOMERSON'S - NIGHT Several of Debbie's friends have arrived and are chatting amiably in the living room. Phoebe is dipping potato chips into a bowl that says "Muffy" on it. PHOEBE Do you have any more of this dip, Mrs. Thomerson? It's really excellent. MRS. THOMERSON You just ate Purina Cat Chow. PHOEBE Gross me out... Debbie comes into the living room and sits next to Bobbie. DEBBIE (concerned) What do you think's gonna go on at the guys' party? BOBBIE They'll probably get drunk, and watch dirty movies. But don't worry about the dirty movies. DEBBIE What do you mean? BOBBIE I forgot to tell you. Yesterday I found a bunch of pornos in the back seat of O'Neill's car. DEBBIE You're kidding. BOBBIE Nah. Everything's cool... I took care of 'em. (starts to giggle) EXT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT Rick, Ryko, O'Neill, Chulo, Larry and Stan are walking down the hallway, looking for their room. O'NEILL 1004, 1003... (spots the room) Aha! 1002. The guys give out a hearty cheer as they huddle around the door. O'Neill grabs the doorknob. He takes his time, playing up the moment. O'NEILL (continuing) And now... The guys lean forward, anticipating the opening of the gates of heaven. O'NEILL (continuing) ...to our honored guest Rick, and his life-long friends, I say... (turns the doorknob) ...gentlemen, start your boners. He flings open the door and everyone but he and Rick burst into the room. INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT The guys all but dive into the room. It is a two-room suite with living room/kitcheonette and separate bedroom. The room has been decorated with balloons. A sign reads: "Happy Bachelor Party!" It looks far from professionally decorated. Chulo frantically checks out the rooms. RYKO Bitchin' place. He hangs a chin-up bar in a doorway and starts to chin himself. O'NEILL I did the balloons myself. He takes a prophylactic out of a Trojan carton. He blows it up. On closer examination, we SEE all the balloons are inflated prophylactics. ANOTHER ANGLE Chulo returns from his search of the rooms. CHULO (crazed) Where's the women, man? We gotta have women. O'NEILL Chulo, one thing at a time. CHULO Sex is my one thing. I'm good at it. STAN What's first? O'NEILL A bit of a warm-up. He threads a film projector. O'NEILL (continuing) We'll spend an hour with "Nymphos Without Pants"... RICK Olivier's in that, right? O'NEILL Then it's on to the real thing. GUYS (cheering) All right! Ryko flips off the lights as O'Neill puts the projector into forward and the title flashes on a movie screen. All the guys yell in anticipation. HOME MOVIE SCREEN We SEE a man stepping out of a shower. He puts on his robe and exits the bathroom. To his surprise and to the delight of our guys, two young, beautiful Nordic looking women, dressed in micro-minis and see-through blouses stand waiting for him. CHULO (O.S.) They're Danish, I know it. I'm crazy for Danes. RYKO AND CHULO sit watching the screen. RYKO (to Chulo) Denmark makes great Nautilus equipment. CHULO I'd like to jerk and press those babies. RICK AND O'NEILL RICK (to O'Neill) And I thought we wouldn't have any meaningful conversation. ON SCREEN The man takes off his robe. The girls start to seductively undress. GUYS (O.S.) (excitedly) All right, yeah, yeah, yeah... Suddenly an abrupt jump cut. The girls are undressed and lying on top of the man. Our guys are seriously let down. GUYS EVERYONE (disappointed) Awwww... O'NEILL He can't figure it out. ON THE SCREEN As the women kiss the man from his head slowly down his chest, past his navel and heading south... GUYS Their eyes start to widen like a child in a Keene painting. GUYS Yes, go, go, yes, go... ON THE SCREEN Another abrupt jump cut spliced together with what looks like a band-aid, and the girls are sitting on the side of the bed. The man is recovering from the best sex he's ever encountered. GUYS GUYS (disappointed) Awwwwww... Rick turns to a shocked O'Neill. RICK Excuse me, but this is as arousing as a stroll through the Vatican. O'NEILL This isn't right. GUYS' POV They watch the screen. The two women seem to be taking a liking to each other. They begin to fall onto the bed and entwine. GUYS Please, yes, do it, yes, yes, oh yes... A jump cut and they are dressing. Stan can't take it anymore. He jumps to his feet. STAN Where are the dirty parts? I'm a doctor. I can see these things. CHULO What a waste of two women. O'Neill rises abruptly. O'NEILL I don't get it, but at least Gary's got the real stuff coming up here in a few minutes. CHULO (in ecstasy) Women! Everyone cheers. INT. THOMERSON HOUSE The girls are having a great time. The front DOORBELL RINGS. Mrs. Thomerson answers it. Standing in the doorway is Tina Stahl, Stan's wife; she's late for the shower. Behind her are two obvious hookers: Margot and Darlene. Tina doesn't know either of the girls. MRS. THOMERSON Yes? Before Tina can speak, Margot speaks up. She's reading from the piece of paper Cole gave her. MARGOT (through heavy gum chewing) Yeah, hi. Look, is this... INSERT - PIECE OF PAPER Margot reads the address. MARGOT (O.S.) 838 North Franek Avenue? BACK TO SCENE MRS. THOMERSON Yes. MARGOT We're here. MRS. THOMERSON How nice. TINA I'm Tina Stahl. MRS. THOMERSON Of course. Stan's wife... Everyone come in. REVERSE ANGLE - THE STREET Cole sits in his car and watches happily as the hookers go inside. INT. THOMERSON'S LIVING ROOM Debbie spots Tina. She is oblivious to the two hookers. DEBBIE Tina! They give each other a big hug. The hookers watch closely. Debbie leads Tina to the other women. DEBBIE (continuing) You know everyone here, don't you? TINA Yes. The girls hug and give big hellos. Meanwhile, Margot and Darlene have come to the conclusion they've been hired for a kinky scene. MARGOT One of these, huh? DARLENE Looks that way. MARGOT Buck's a buck. They start to unbutton their coats. Tina hands Debbie her present. DEBBIE It's so heavy. She sits and the girls gather around as she starts to open the gift. Phoebe happens to look off and is stunned by what she sees. The others are curious at what she is looking at and they too stare O.S., stunned to silence. MARGOT AND DARLENE dressed in leather and mesh stockings. Margot carries a whip. Darlene is holding a phallic electrical device. DARLENE (business-like) Is there an empty outlet in here? Debbie unconsciously points to a nearby wall. Margot and Darlene stand amidst the girls. Darlene plugs in her device. She and Margot start to embrace and fondle one another. The girls watch in stony silence. Dumbfounded at what they see. Margot and Darlene start to sink to the floor, OUT OF OUR SIGHT. Before they disappear, we see Margot take out her gum and park it on an end table. Now OUT OF SIGHT, the girls watch for a beat. Then we hear the WHIRRING of Darlene's implement. Our girls screech in horror and hold onto one another in a protective clump. INT. HOTEL SUITE The guys are sitting around drinking, eating and looking generally bored. Chulo sits in front of the TV, glumly watching an old "I Love Lucy" re-run. CHULO If I was Ricky Ricardo I would beat the shit out of that chick. LARRY (totally ripped, staring at the black and white image) Wow! The colors are sooo beautiful. Chulo gives him a strange look. RYKO (opening a beer, reading the label) Isn't there any beer that's not imported? All this stuff's from St. Louis. RICK (calling to imaginary person O.S.) Bartender, round of brains for my friend here. Gary enters the room. He's all smiles. Confident he's done a great job arranging for the entertainment. GARY How's it going, guys? Everyone crowds around him like children greeting Daddy. Looking for candy hidden in his coat. EVERYONE Where's the girls? Where's the girls? Rick pushes them away from Gary like a referee separating two fighters. RICK Give the guy air. Everyone to a neutral corner. GARY What's going on? CHULO Nothing. We got no women. GARY Screw you. RICK It's true. GARY This place should have been wall to wall tits by now. RICK (to O'Neill) Guy paints a beautiful picture. GARY I'm going to see what the hell happened. RICK Looks like the only one who got screwed here was you. GARY Screw that. He exits out the door. O'NEILL So, what do you guys think of the party so far? The guys toss sandwiches and empty beer cans at him. RICK (putting his arm around O'Neill) Well, I think you've done a damn fine job. Everyone pelts Rick and O'Neill with more junk. Suddenly the door bursts open. The guys look up and are surprised to see Cole enter. COLE Rick, I want to talk to you. RICK Ah, Cole. (turns to the others) I don't remember ordering an asshole from room service. Cole enters, closing the door behind him. COLE I don't want any trouble. RICK Oh, come on, just a little. COLE I'm ready to make you another deal. RICK (mock excitement) Ooh, be still, my heart. COLE (points out window) See that down there? That's my most prized possession. My new Porsche. RICK'S POV Cole's Porsche parked in the hotel parking lot. RICK (O.S.) Very nice... BACK TO SCENE Rick gestures to Chulo to look out the window. RICK (his voice tells us he has something in mind) Isn't that a great car, Chulo? Chulo gets Rick's drift. CHULO Yeah... real nice. Ah, excuse me. I'll be right back. He starts to exit. Before he does, he grabs a hanger out of the closet. COLE Great car. RICK The best. COLE I love that car. RICK I'm very happy for you two. They back away from the window. COLE I'll trade you my Porsche for Debbie. An even swap. RICK (surprised) The car for Debbie? COLE (getting a little excitable) I mean it. The car is yours. Dump Debbie. RICK Gee, guys, what should I do? The car or Debbie? All the guys treat this as if it's "Let's Make A Deal". They take sides, yelling out, "Take the car," "Keep Debbie." Over the din we hear a befuddled Rick. RICK (continuing) What a decision here. He walks over to the window. Cole follows closely. He's trying to convince Rick to take the car. COLE Low mileage... Handles like a dream. RICK So does Debbie. EXT. HOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT Chulo is using the hanger to jimmy the car lock on Cole's Porsche. He's successful. He jumps into the car and drives off. INT. HOTEL SUITE Rick and Cole are at the window. The guys are still trying to convince Rick on his decision. COLE I got the car only two months ago -- it's got -- As he looks out the window we see with him that his car is gone. COLE (continuing) Shit, shit, shit, shit. My car's gone! RICK Maybe it had something to do. COLE Shit! He charges out of the room. O'NEILL Odd. He's only been gone a few seconds and I already miss him. EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT Gary spots Jumbo on the same grimy street corner. He's pimping for one of his ladies and makes a sale to an anxious young Marine as Gary approaches him. GARY Jumbo, where the hell are the women? JUMBO What are you talking about, asshole? GARY Your whores never showed up. JUMBO They left an hour ago, pink nuts. GARY Screw you! Jumbo has had enough. He backs Gary against a wall and pulls a knife on him. JUMBO (irritated; a lot) That's it, prick lips. GARY What are you... JUMBO I've had it, numb nuts... How much money you got? GARY Why? JUMBO Because I'm pissed off. Now give me your cash. Gary hurriedly digs into his pockets and gives Jumbo his money. GARY This is bad public relations. I was planning to do a lot of business with you. But now I'm going to have to go elsewhere. JUMBO (mock sincerity) Hey. I'm sorry. You want girls. I'll give you girls. He snaps his fingers and TWO of his LADIES come forward. JUMBO (continuing; to girls) Give him the works. GARY That's more like it. The girls walk over to Gary and proceed to beat the crap out of him. EXT. CHIPPENDALE'S - NIGHT It is a garish nightclub. A large lighted billboard proclaims "ALL MALE... ALL NUDE." Two cars pull into the parking lot. Debbie and all of her shower guests get out. DEBBIE Are you sure this is a good idea? ILENE Look, you heard what those hookers said. They were supposed to go to a bachelor party. DEBBIE That doesn't mean it was Rick's party. ILENE Debbie, men are pigs -- if they can have women, we can have men. BOBBIE (agreeing) Yeah. MRS. THOMERSON (reluctantly) I don't know about this. DEBBIE C'mon, Mother, it'll be fun. The girls giggle as they enter the place, with Mrs. Thomerson following reluctantly behind. INT. CHIPPENDALE'S - NIGHT PHOEBE Look at that guy. What a hunk. BOBBIE Check out the other guy's buns. TINA Let's sit over here. They head for some empty tables. Debbie notices her mother is still standing transfixed by the MAN on display on stage. Debbie grabs her by the shoulder. DEBBIE C'mon, Mom. On the way to the table they pass MICHAEL, the bartender, who looks at them and immediately recognizes Debbie. Finding this interesting, he picks up a phone and dials. MICHAEL (softly; into phone) Yes... is there a Rick Stahl registered there? INT. HOTEL SUITE Gary, beaten up, his clothes ripped, stands amidst the guys. RICK Hookers beat you up? GARY Yes. RICK I didn't know you were into that. CHULO How could you be so stupid. I'm gonna kill you. GARY Go ahead, but if you want women, we need more money. RYKO This just isn't righteous. GARY (angered) Screw you... Do me a favor, join this decade, will ya, pal! RICK (as if he's working a fundraiser) Hey, now, our buddy needs help. Come on, dig into those pockets. Help this man. (puts his arm around Gary) Help this person help others get laid. Give till it hurts. He needs you. The guys take out money. Larry stands and digs into his pocket for his wallet. Along with the wallet comes dozens of pills. The PHONE RINGS. RICK And there's our first pledge coming in -- Rick picks up the receiver. RICK (continuing) Hello. End Horniness Telethon. Yeah. Michael... how you doing? INT. CHIPPENDALE'S - MICHAEL He's standing behind the bar. MICHAEL I'm working... Right. At Chippendale's. Guess what. Debbie and her friends just walked in. INT. HOTEL SUITE RICK (surprised) Really? That's very interesting. (he brightens) I'll tell you what... stay there and we'll be right down. I want to check this out. He hangs up the phone. Gary, meantime, has collected his money. GARY I'll be back with women. STAN I might as well have left my genitals at home, the good they're doing me here. CHULO (calling after Gary) Hurry back. Gary exits. RICK (it's obvious he has something in mind) While we're waiting for Gar, why don't we all go for a little fresh air. RYKO Where we going? RICK Out. The guys start toward the door. LARRY (zonked and depressed) Guys, I think I'd rather stay here. RICK C'mon, Larry. Be good for you. LARRY I just want to be alone. RICK All right. Now, there's milk and cookies in the refrigerator. Go to bed right after "Falcon Crest." As Larry slumps on the couch, the guys exit. EXT. HOTEL Rick and the guys exit the hotel. As they exit, Mr. Thomerson enters. Both parties are oblivious to the other's presence. INT. HOTEL Mr. Thomerson is greeted by a Moosehead Beer EXECUTIVE who is wearing a straw hat that says "Moosehead Beer." EXECUTIVE Ed, we're so glad you could come over at the last minute and judge our little beauty pageant. MR. THOMERSON My pleasure, Al... Always happy to help out in a pinch... (looking around) Excuse me. I better call my service... tell them where I am. He enters a phone booth and starts to dial. MR. THOMERSON (to executive, covering mouthpiece) I had to get out of the house anyway tonight. The wife is throwing a bridal shower for my daughter. (into phone) This is Ed Thomerson. Please transfer my calls to... (reading number off phone) 220-1892. Right. He crosses with executive toward the ballroom. EXECUTIVE Congratulations on your daughter's wedding. Who's she marrying? MR. THOMERSON A real turd. EXECUTIVE (at a loss for words) Well... hope she'll be very happy. They exit into ballroom. INT. CHIPPENDALE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT Amidst the kitchen activities we SEE Rick, O'Neill, Ryko, Stan, and Michael. RICK So will your friend Nick do it? MICHAEL He'll do anything for money. RICK I love his attitude. (calling off) They still out there? STAN He's peeking through the kitchen door. We SEE Debbie and the shower girls whooping it up at a ringside table. Stan turns back to Rick. STAN Breathing heavy at ringside. He joins the other guys. RICK (a la Long John Silver) So, they want action, eh? Are you with me, me hardies? The guys shout approval as NICK, one of the male dancers, enters carrying a tray of food. Nick is a muscled hunk. MICHAEL Guys, this is Chippendale's star attraction, Nicholas Carter... better known as Nick the Dick. RYKO Nick the what? Nick drops his pants. Since he's being SHOT only from the WAIST UP, we can't see what the guys see. NICK (proudly) The Dick. ALL OUR GUYS (astonished at this O.S. sight) Jesus Christ! RICK Let's get this thing going. Tray, please. Nick holds the tray waist high. Rick arranges the food. RICK (continuing) Looks good. Can I have the bun, Michael? Michael hands Rick a hot dog bun. Rick places it on the tray. He turns to Nick. RICK (continuing) And now, Nick... or is it Mr. Dick? NICK Nick. RICK Nick, if you would be so kind... NICK He holds the tray with one hand. With the other he reaches OUT OF FRAME. In a nutshell, what he does is place his honker in the hot dog bun. As he slaps his business into the bun, we HEAR a solid THUMP. RICK Nick, the rest is all yours. NICK (excusing himself) Gentlemen. He exits. As he does, our guys crowd around and peek through the kitchen door. NICK We FOLLOW him as he approaches the girls' table. NICK If you ladies would like to serve yourselves... The girls grab their orders. Mrs. T. is last. Hers is the hot dog. She points to it. MRS. THOMERSON Is this the foot long? NICK And then some. Mrs. T. grabs the hot dog. It won't come off the tray. She yanks harder. Nick drops the tray and Mrs. T. finally comes to realize what she is pulling on. She screams in terror. Because of sheer fright, she can't seem to drop Nick's schlong from her grip. The rest of our ladies look to see Mrs. T. 's hot dog. They scream in shock. Debbie spits out her marguerita, hitting Phoebe in the face. OUR GUYS They are busting a gut watching the girls' reactions. ILENE She looks up just in time to see the guys close the kitchen door. MRS. T still frozen in a state of shock. The girls try to pry her hands off. EXT. STREET CORNER Several HOOKERS are standing around. Gary approaches them. GARY Ladies... come here. HOOKER Talk to the pimp. She gestures to a MAN with his back TO US. GARY Let's talk. The PIMP turns around and we SEE he is the stereotypical pimp. One big difference: he's an Indian straight from the streets of Calcutta. He's soft-spoken and ever smiling and he still hasn't quite mastered English. RAJAH (oh-so-heavy Indian accent) What can I be doing for you? GARY You're a pimp? RAJAH I'm telling you I am, Joe. GARY I want women. RAJAH That I got. Very good women. They sit on your face, anything you want. GARY I'll take some. RAJAH Big problem now. Soon they go to customers. GARY I need them for a bachelor party at the Park View Hotel. RAJAH You are being in luck. Customers in same hotel. I let you have them at cut-rate price for 45 minutes. GARY Sold. 45 minutes. No problem. RAJAH Not one minute longer or Milt will come for you. GARY Milt? ANOTHER ANGLE MILT joins them. Milt is a massive hulk. A bearded exbiker. He could have come out of an MX silo. A menacing mountain of a man decked out in a cowboy hat. RAJAH This being Milt. Milt casually takes off his hat and immediately sticks his face through a nearby window, smashing it to pieces. He pulls his head out, smiles and puts his hat back on. RAJAH (continuing) Girls back in 45 minutes or Milt cuts your balls off. Fair enough? Shake! Gary extends his hand and they shake. GARY (to himself as he walks to his car) I just bet my balls and shook on it. EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT The guys are piling back out of the bus into the hotel. The Manager watches them suspiciously. INT. HOTEL SUITE Rick, O'Neill, Ryko and Stan come back into the room. RICK (concerned; calling O.S.) Larry! Yo, Larry. Rick crosses to the bathroom door, opens it and goes in. RICK'S POV Larry is on his knees on the side of the tub with his head submerged fully under several inches of water. RICK (continuing) What are you doing? Larry comes out of the water. He gasps for breath and speaks. LARRY I'm killing myself. He takes a deep breath and submerges his head again. Rick unplugs the tub and it begins to drain. RICK Larry... you've got to lighten up. You and the wife can work it out. The water has drained from the tub, leaving Larry high and dry. He lifts his head out of the tub. In his stat