FADE IN: EXT. ANDY'S FRONT PORCH - DAY OPIE lies on his stomach, listening to Andy reading Sunday comics aloud. Andy wears an open shirt and his Sunday trousers. Opie is still in his pajamas and bathrobe. ANDY And Orphan Annie she says: "Jumpin' Jehosaphat. The crooks are headin' for that nice Mr. Deacon's ranch!!... We better go tell the Chief of Police!!..." And Sandy, her dog, says "Arf." OPIE What? ANDY "Arf"... You know, when he agrees with her he says "Arf." OPIE Oh... Paw, how old is Little Orphan Annie? ANDY Oh, about forty-two, forty-three, I reckon. OPIE (startled) Little Orphan Annie?? ANDY No, the comic strip's that old. Little Orphan Annie's about your age, I guess. (continues to read) So anyway, the dog Sandy says "Arf" and... AUNT BEE sticks her head out the door. AUNT BEE Opie! You should be getting dressed. And Andy... you're not going to sit there reading the paper. We should get started. ANDY Aunt Bee, preachin' don't begin till eleven o'clock. AUNT BEE But we want to get a good seat. And it's bound to be crowded with that visiting preacher. ANDY Just 'cause he's from New York? AUNT BEE It's because he's famous, and everybody's read his book. ANDY I ain't. AUNT BEE Well, you. All you read... ANDY Aunt Bee, I hold with Reverend Tucker. He's good enough for me. AUNT BEE Andy... ANDY We been takin' from Reverend Tucker a good many years now, and I ain't about to change. AUNT BEE Andy, they're on the same side. Reverend Tucker invited him. And he wants a big turnout so we'll make a good impression. Opie, go get dressed now. Opie obeys. AUNT BEE --Andy... You, too. ANDY All right. With resignation, he drags himself up. AUNT BEE I'll tell Clara we'll pick her up. I want to find out what she's going to wear. ANDY Now you know what she's going to wear. AUNT BEE (crossing to door) I know, but I want to find out if she's going to wear it. Andy considers the logic of this, find none. Aunt Bee shoos him into the house. QUICK DISSOLVE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Aunt Bee is on the telephone. She is dressed for church and wears a hat and pearl earrings, and caries gloves. Andy is coming down the stairs, wearing his Sunday suit. AUNT BEE (into phone) ... she didn't... But how could she deny it? Everyone knows she's been henna-rinsing for years... Oh, natural red-head my foot. Why, she's been rinsing so long her temples are henna- colored. ANDY Aunt Bee... You still on with Clara? Opie comes down stairs. He, too, is all slicked up. AUNT BEE (into phone) Let's see, what was it I called you about? Oh yes... We're going to church and we'll pick you up. By the way, Clara, what are you going to be wearing? ANDY Come on Aunt Bee... AUNT BEE (into phone) Clara, what do you think about earrings? Do you think they're too much? ANDY Come on Aunt Bee. AUNT BEE (ignoring him) Of course, it is Sunday. But this preacher's from New York. ANDY Come on Aunt Bee. AUNT BEE (into phone) Well I haven't been there either, but I always imagine them with earrings. ANDY Aunt Bee, let's go. AUNT BEE (into phone) Well, I don't want to wear them if you're not going to wear them. ANDY Me and Opie ain't wearin' any. AUNT BEE (into phone) Well, what do you think? I know Reverend Tucker wants us to make a good impression. ANDY Play it safe and just wear one. AUNT BEE (into phone) You're right. And if we see the others don't, we'll go behind the bushes and take them off. Now what about perfume? ANDY Aunt Bee! You can talk it over at church--if you ever get there! AUNT BEE (into phone) Excuse me, Clara. Andy's shouting at me. She turns to Andy. ANDY I'm goin' to preachin'. You coming? AUNT BEE (into phone) I have to go, Clara. Call me later in the week, Clara. Oh, no! I'll be seeing you. We'll be right over. She puts the phone down. ANDY (wearily) Can we go now? AUNT BEE Well, I've been sitting here waiting for you. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CHURCH - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - CHURCH BILLBOARD From the church come the voices of the CONGREGATION singing a hymn, accompanied by the organ. The billboard reads: ALL SOULS CHURCH Rev. Hobart M. Tucker, D.D. Sermon: "What's Your Hurry?" Dr. Harrison Everett Breen of New York City INT. CHURCH - DAY - CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW Barney is next to the aisle, sharing a hymnal with Andy. Beside them in the pew are Opie, Aunt Bee, and Clara. Behind them is Gomer. All are singing earnestly. Clara nudges Aunt Bee and points across the aisle, without pausing in her singing. Aunt Bee turns to look. MED. SHOT - PEW ACROSS AISLE - AUNT BEE'S POINT OF VIEW An ACQUAINTANCE smiles and nods to Aunt Bee, and in pantomime compliments her on her hat--without missing a word from the hymn. CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW Aunt Bee smiles in acknowledgment, and return the compliment. Barney is distracted by a woman across aisle, loses his place in hymnal. Andy helps him find it. OMITTED OMITTED OMITTED MED. SHOT - DR. TUCKER Dr. Tucker, the local minister, has crossed to the lectern. He is easy-going, benign. Congregation sits. DR. TUCKER We are greatly honored today. It is out happy privilege to welcome to our midst a very dear friend of mine, Dr. Harrison Everett Breen, of New York City. He turns to bow to DR. BREEN, who is seated at one side of the chancel. Dr. Breen nods and smiles. He is younger than Dr. Tucker, and a more forceful type. DR. TUCKER Dr. Breen has interrupted his vacation to join us in worship this morning and to bring us, I know, an inspiring message. Dr. Breen... Dr. Breen rises and crosses to the pulpit, as Dr. Tucker withdraws. CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW - BARNEY AND ANDY Barney is about to applaud. Andy catches his hand and shakes his head. MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN Dr. Breen enters the pulpit, grasps it with both hands, and pauses impressively. CLOSE SHOT - FRONT PEW - ANDY AND AUNT BEE Andy and Aunt Bee slap at a fly that is annoying them, then settle back to give Dr. Breen their earnest attention. Aunt Bee fans herself with her program. MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN He waits for the throat-clearing to stop and the congregation to settle down. Then he begins. His delivery is dynamic. Every word is significant. He makes the pauses count, too. DR. BREEN As I stood here, during the singing of the hymn, I asked myself, "What message have I to bring to these good people of Mayberry?" And I was reminded of an incident. A young man came to me recently, and said he, "Dr. Breen... what is the meaning of it all?" And I said to him, "Young man... I'm glad you asked!" TWO SHOT - AUNT BEE AND ANDY They turn to each other and nod. Aunt Bee notices a bit of lint on Andy's lapel and picks it off, then turns back to give he attention to Dr. Breen. During this: DR. BREEN (over congregation) My friends, I wish more of us found the time to ask that question! MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN DR. BREEN Whither? Whither are we headed? And why? Why this senseless rush, this mad pursuit, this frantic competition, this pace that kills? Why do we drive ourselves as we do? TWO SHOT - ANDY AND BARNEY Andy turns to Barney and nods emphatically. Barney is caught in the midst of a yawn, but he stifles it and nods in agreement. Andy frowns, but the yawn is contagious, and he struggles with it himself. This bounces it back to Barney, who lets go with a real jaw-stretcher. Andy frowns again and shakes his head. Barney pantomimes his innocence. Through all this the voice of Dr. Breen continues: DR. BREEN (over congregation) In our furious race these days to conquer outer space, are we not, perhaps, neglecting inner space? Shall we hope to find the secret of the universe by hurtling through it? Shall we find the true meaning of life by fleeing from it? CLOSE SHOT - GOMER Gomer is sound asleep. He lets out a loud snore. Opie turns around to look. The man next to Gomer, whose head has been nodding too, snaps it up. He jabs Gomer with his elbow. Gomer comes to with a start and almost falls out of his seat. Through this the voice of Dr. Breen continues without interruption: DR. BREEN (over shoulder) Consider how we live our lives today. Everything is "run, run, run!" We bolt our breakfast, we scan the headlines, we race to the office. The full schedule and the split second-- these are the gauges of success. We drive ourselves from morn to night. MED. SHOT - DR. BREEN DR. BREEN My friends, we've forgotten the meaning of the word, "Relaxation!" He pauses to survey the congregation, and slows down his tempo. His delivery becomes soothing and mellifluous. DR. BREEN What has become of the old-fashioned ways... the simple pleasures of the past? Who can forget, for example, the old-fashioned band concert at twilight on the village green? The joy and serenity of just sitting and listening? OMITTED LONG - SHOT - SHOOTING OVER THE CONGREGATION TO PREACHER Andy folds his arms and leans back reminiscently, with his eyes on the ceiling. Barney's head is nodding. DR. BREEN This is lost to us today, and this we should strive to recapture. A simple, innocent pleasure. And so I say to you dear friends: "Relax, slow down, take it easy. What's your hurry? What, indeed, friends, is your hurry?..." DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CHURCH - DAY Inside, the organ is still playing the recessional. Dr. Tucker stands at the door, with Dr. Breen, greeting the parishioners as they come out. Gomer leads Opie off. AUNT BEE A lovely service, Dr. Tucker. Just lovely. (turns to Breen) And I thought the sermon was magnificent. CLARA Simply magnificent. DR. BREEN Well, thank you. DR. TUCKER Dr. Breen, may I introduce Sheriff Taylor... his Aunt Bee... Mrs. Johnson and Deputy Fife. They ad lib greetings and shake hands. AUNT BEE Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such a wonderful lesson for us. ANDY Yes, sir, you really hit the nail right on the head there. BARNEY Yes, sir, that's one subject you just can't talk enough about... SIN. They all look at him. Barney shifts uneasily. DR. BREEN Well, thank you. AUNT BEE Will you be around long? We'd be very honored to have you come to dinner. DR. BREEN I wish I could but I did promise to drive over to Mt. Pilot this afternoon to preach a service. But on my way back this evening, I'll stop and have coffee with you, if I may. AUNT BEE Oh, we do hope you will. ANDY Oh, that'd be mighty nice. We'll look forward to seeing you. DR. BREEN Bye. Ad lib goodbyes. They start out. Bee and Clara comment about Dr. Breen to themselves. As Andy and Barney pass Camera: ANDY Talk about sin! BARNEY Huh? They exit shot. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. ANDY'S FRONT PORCH - DAY Andy and Barney seated in rocking chairs. BARNEY Man, we really packed it away, didn't we? ANDY Yeah, boy. BARNEY (pats tummy) Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle. ANDY Does, huh? BARNEY It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle. (pats tummy) See there? ANDY I see. BARNEY My mother was the same way. She could eat and eat and eat... ANDY Never went to fat... BARNEY (nods) Know where it went? ANDY Muscle? Barney nods. BARNEY It was a mark of us Fifes... ANDY You know what I believe I'll do? Run down to the drugstore and get some ice cream for later. BARNEY You want me to go? I'll go. ANDY No, I'll go. BARNEY I don't mind going. ANDY I don't either. I can go. BARNEY You're probably tired... Why don't you let me go? ANDY No, I'm not tired. I'll go. BARNEY I sure don't mind going. ANDY Why don't we both just go? BARNEY Okay. ANDY You ready? BARNEY Uh huh. Now both rise slowly. BARNEY Where we goin'? ANDY Down to the drugstore to get some ice cream for later. Aunt Bee comes out on porch. AUNT BEE Andy, where you boys going? ANDY We thought we'd run down to the drugstore to get some ice cream for later. AUNT BEE Well, why do you want to run to the drugstore, as if it can't wait... ANDY Huh? AUNT BEE That's exactly what the preacher was talking about this morning. Seems as if nothing can wait. Everything is rush rush rush! Both sit down. GOMER (over shoulder) Hey Andy! Andy spies Gomer over shoulder. ANDY Hey Gomer! Where are you headed? Now Gomer comes up on porch, his jacket slung over his shoulder. GOMER Oh, I just thought I'd run over to Cousin Goober's and watch him wash his car. AUNT BEE See? There's another example. Run run run. Exactly what Dr. Breen was talking about this morning. People just don't know how to relax. ANDY She's right, you know that? BARNEY Yeah. ANDY Sit down, Gomer! GOMER Crazy. I guess I just wasn't thinking. ANDY 'Member when we used to have them band concerts Dr. Breen was talkin' about? AUNT BEE (reminiscing) Yes, that was relaxing, wasn't it? Sitting around on a Sunday evening listening to music... ANDY Yeah... I'm kind of sorry we don't have the town band anymore. BARNEY Sure wish we had it again. AUNT BEE (beat) Andy, do you think you could? ANDY Could what? AUNT BEE Organize the band again? ANDY Well, I don't know. AUNT BEE I bet you could if you put your mind to it. ANDY You know, the boys might enjoy getting together again. BARNEY Of course they would. AUNT BEE Uniforms need a bit 'o repairin', but I could call Clara to help me fix them up. ANDY I'd hafta get the boys together. AUNT BEE Fine. ANDY Well, the band stand's all busted and layin' over there in the junk heap. It'll need some carpenterin'. GOMER I'll lend you a hand with it. ANDY (inspired now) You know the way we're talkin', we're talkin' about gettin' up a band concert by tonight. AUNT BEE Why not? BARNEY Yeah, why not? If we all pitch in, Gomer'n me'll get started on the stand. GOMER I'll borrow us some tools. AUNT BEE I'll call Clara. We can get started on the uniforms. ANDY I'll just go out to the garage and get my horn. Now they are all up and buzzing with excitement over their new project. AUNT BEE (on way to the door) Oh, we're actually gonna have a band concert tonight. And they scurry to their tasks in different directions, as we, FADE OUT - END OF ACT ONE - - ACT TWO - FADE IN EXT. AREA BEHIND SHERIFF'S OFFICE - DAY The bandstand is a smallish platform, big enough to accommodate about six musicians. Andy is sawing a two-by- four. Barney walks into scene carrying a large poster. Andy wipes brow. BARNEY Bandstand's gonna be a lot more work than we thought, huh? ANDY Yeah, but if we stick with it, we can get 're done. Then we'll just haul 're over to the square... Whatcha got? BARNEY Poster I made to put on the back of the squad car. You know--let folks know. Andy turns poster around and reads: "CONCERT TONIGHT- RELAX TO MUSIC UNDER THE STARS." BARNEY Ya like that? I made it up. ANDY Good... (looks up at sky) Might be cloudin' up, though. BARNEY Well... I could change it to "Music Under the Clouds"? Andy shakes his head. BARNEY "Music Under the Sky"? ANDY It's outdoors... That's obvious. BARNEY How about I just leave that part out altogether? ANDY Well, what have ya got left here: "Concert Tonight Relax To"? BARNEY How about just "Concert Tonight"? ANDY When they hear the music, they'll know it's a concert. BARNEY And they'll know it's tonight too, right? ANDY Right. BARNEY Forget the poster, huh? ANDY I would. Now Gomer comes into scene carrying hammer and saw. ANDY You get Goober? GOMER Goober wouldn't come, but he borrowed us these tools. Only thing is I'm the only one can use 'em. He don't want strangers usin' 'em. Only a relative. BARNEY (rolls eyes) Oh, brother. GOMER No... it don't hafta be. Can be a cousin like me. BARNEY I meant--oh, skip it. ANDY Why wouldn't Goober come? He still washin' his car? GOMER (nods) I begged him but him and his maw are goin' visitn', and he said he wouldn't put his mother in a dirty car. ANDY (shakes his head) Just like Dr. Breen said--everything's rush, rush, rush. GOMER Goober says hey, though. ANDY (disgruntled) Hey to Goober... Come on, grab hold. Lend us a hand. GOMER Grab hold o' what? Andy crosses to the bandstand. ANDY Well, we've got to prop up those timbers, and get that sag out o' the middle. BARNEY Yeah, if she's goin' to go, that's where she goin' to go. ANDY Have to crawl in under there somehow and heave up on those timbers, so's to wedge this in. He indicates the two-by-four he has cut. BARNEY Why don't we use a jack. We got one in the car. ANDY Barn! That's an inspiration! Here, I've got to go see how Aunt Bee's comin' with the uniforms. I promised I'd get her another sewing machine. Take charge here. Andy departs, and Barney takes over. He folds his arms and leans against the bandstand, prepared to supervise. BARNEY Okay, Gomer, you heard what Andy said. I'm in charge. Let's get cuttin' here... You crawl in under there, and I'll go get the jack. Gomer squats down and peers dubiously under the bandstand. GOMER Damp under there. Could be spiders. BARNEY (impatiently) Now what makes you think there's spiders under there? GOMER Cause... if I was a spider, that's where I'd go. BARNEY Gomer, there are no spiders under there. Now let's get movin'. GOMER (hesitant) I don't know. Sure looks spidery to me. BARNEY There are no spiders under there. Now will ya stop worryin'? GOMER But, Barney, if I crawl under there... BARNEY Look... Are we gonna do this or ain't we? We all agreed we wanted to have a band concert tonight. Well, it ain't gonna happen if you just stand around. Now let's get moving. GOMER But, Barney, I'm sure that... BARNEY Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'! QUICK DISSOLVE TO EXT. ANDY'S PORCH - DAY Andy enters to go into house. He carries a portable sewing machine. INT. ANDY'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Aunt Bee and Clara are busily and noisily engaged in fitting uniform on a model. They part as Andy enters and we see they have been covering Opie, who stands on a footstool acting as a model. Opie wears a jacket that reaches to his ankles, also a cap that covers his eyes. ANDY Somebody I know under there? He lifts cap off Opie's eyes. OPIE (wearily) Paw, can I go now? I'm tired of bein' a tailor's dummy. AUNT BEE In a little while... Land sakes, don't be so impatient. ANDY Got ya another machine over at Louise Palmer's AUNT BEE Well, I hope it'll do some good. ANDY Whatsa matter? AUNT BEE These uniforms are in terrible shape. But we'll do the best we can. ANDY You need me for anythin' else. Aunt Bee? I got to get on with band rehearsal. AUNT BEE No, you run along. ANDY Call me if ya need anything. He exits. Clara comes to her. CLARA Bee, I think we're going to have to restitch every one of those seams. Cheap thread, that's what it is. Clara holds up jacket. CLARA And will you look at that: mildew. You can't expect me to do anything about mildew. AUNT BEE (testy) Well, don't blame me for it. It's not my fault these uniforms are in such bad condition. I didn't store them, you know. CLARA Well, neither did I, Bee. AUNT BEE I didn't say you did... But we aren't going to get any work done if we stand around arguing like this. CLARA We have been working, Bee. We just can't perform miracles. OPIE Can I go now, Aunt Bee? AUNT BEE (turning on him) No you cannot! Now just hold still! And they fall to work again. QUICK DISSOLVE TO INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Andy is in front of desk playing tuba faces four musicians seated in front of music stands. They are just finishing "The Skater's Waltz," which is hardly recognizable. At finish Andy sighs. ANDY I knew we was outa practice, But I didn't know we was that much outa practice. (to saxophonist) Luther, you're a little late now and then. LUTHER (cups hand) What say? ANDY (louder) I say you're late... you're draggin'. LUTHER Sounded real good to me, too. ANDY No... it was off, way off. LUTHER (hand to ear) How's that? ANDY It was off. Boys, we just got to get with it. Let's take "The Skater's Waltz" once more. And let's do it better this time. LUTHER What'd ya say, Andy? ANDY (patiently, louder) I say let's do it again, and do it better... LUTHER Sounded real good to me. ANDY Ready? One, two... They play. It sounds horrible. Andy stops. He waves his hands to stop the others. Intent on their music, and unable to hear him, they keep right on. ANDY Hold it!... Whoa!... Fellers! All stop except saxophonist, who blissfully plays on. ANDY (shouts) Luther! Hold it! Hold it! Luther stops. Looks around. LUTHER What'd ya say, Andy? What'd ya stop us for? We was goin' real good that time. ANDY We got the spirit all right. We just got to get together on the tune. CLARINETIST I'm together. It's him. He points to the trombonist. TROMBONIST (indignantly) Don't tell me! I'm playing what's wrote here. Look at the notes! CLARINETIST You read 'em. You're the one that's missin' 'em. TROMBONIST Don't tell me! Ad lib argument. During this Aunt Bee and Clara enter arguing as they come in. Aunt Bee holds the torn, mildewed jacket. CLARA Bee, I told you before we started, we couldn't do it. AUNT BEE I know what you told me, Clara. But it didn't hurt to try, did it? CLARA If you ask me, it was just a waste of time. AUNT BEE Well, I don't think so. ANDY Wait a minute, ladies, wait a minute. Whatsa matter? AUNT BEE Oh, it's no use, Andy. These uniforms are just too far gone. Look at this. (holds up jacket) And the others are even worse. CLARA I told you it was a waste of time. AUNT BEE Yes, I know you said that, Clara. (to Andy) We worked and worked, but we just couldn't do it. ANDY That's a shame, boys... looks like no uniforms. TROMBONIST Well, I wished I'd a known, Andy. I sure can't play without a uniform. CLARINETIST You sure can't play with one. TROMBONIST That supposed to be funny? Ad lib argument. During it, Barney and Gomer enter, quarreling. GOMER Wasn't my fault. It was you and your jack. BARNEY Oh, pipe down, Gomer. Just pipe down! The others have stopped their argument and now turn to Barney and Gomer. ANDY Don't tell me you got bad news, too. BARNEY Well, it's about the bandstand. ANDY What about it? BARNEY You tell him. You did it. GOMER I didn't do nothin'. BARNEY You and Goober's hammer. GOMER You and your jack! I told you I heard somethin' give. Ad lib argument between them. ANDY Wait... Hold it! What happened? GOMER Well, was was under there, see, and you know how dark it is. Spiders and all... BARNEY (to Andy) I don't know what he hit, but it musta' been holdin' up the whole shebang. GOMER I didn't go to hit nothin'! Just took a whack at a spider. I told ya there was spiders under there. BARNEY Anyways, she begun to creak and rumble... and (makes a crashing sound) ANDY (appalled) The whole thing? Barney nods. ANDY (desperately) Well, is there any chance of proppin' it up again? GOMER It's a whole day's work, and I'm just too pooped to start. BARNEY Well, I'm too pooped, I'll tell you that. I don't see how you're going to have a band concert without a bandstand. AUNT BEE And then, I've no uniforms. CLARA Oh, I knew they weren't going to have uniforms. Now all parties fall to arguing with each other. Andy tries to stop them. ANDY (shouting) Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold it! We can still practice! Listen! LUTHER Practice? You ready to go again, Andy? And Luther starts to play his saxophone to add to the din. Andy sags defeated. FADE OUT - END OF ACT TWO - - TAG - EXT. ANDY'S PORCH - DAY Opie lying on stomach with one arm hanging over the edge of porch. Barney sits soaking feet in a pail of water. Aunt Bee sits exhausted fanning herself. Clara is there. Andy is spread out on chair and rubs salve in palms of his hands. Gomer sits on top step with head propped against porch post. He rubs his neck. ANDY Well... nobody can say we didn't at least try to have a band concert. BARNEY Sure can't say that. Gomer is looking at his hand. GOMER Spider bite! (he looks at Barney about to say something--) At this point Dr. Breen drive into driveway, gets out, crosses to porch. DR. BREEN Good evening, folks... All ad lib greetings. DR. BREEN Well, I said I'd stop by on my way back and have coffee with you, but now I'm afraid I won't even be able to do that. AUNT BEE Oh--what a shame! DR. BREEN (surveying them) Well, it seems as if my sermon this morning had some effect. ANDY Scuse me? DR. BREEN Look at you all... nice and relaxed. A picture of contentment. Yes, you all look as serene and relaxed as if... as if you just finished listening to a pleasant band concert... yes. All look at each other. DR. BREEN Good, good... I'm happy to see it. Well, if you'll all excuse me, I have to rush back to New York now... Goodbye, again... He starts toward car. Gomer calls after him. GOMER Oh, reverend, we ain't relaxed. As a matter of fact, we're pooped... See, we tried to organize a-- ANDY Gomer! Dr. Breen has stopped and taken a step back to them. DR. BREEN I beg your pardon? ANDY Oh, nothin', Reverend... Gomer was uh... Gomer was just sayin: "What's your hurry?" DR. BREEN Hm?... Oh... Yes... yes. He smiles, slows his move to the car, as all wearily wave goodbye. FADE OUT THE END